Original subtitles

[Welker] From Nashville, Tennessee,

it's the final presidential debate.

I'm Kristen Welker, the latest in a long line

of female journalists the President hates more than ISIS.

Tonight, I will be muting the candidates' mics

during their opponent's remarks, which tells you

all you need to know about one of these candidates.

Wow! Isn't this great? Things are going so well for me!

I'm down by ten points,

and my hail mary's calling Lesley Stahl the C-word.

The "C" stands for -- -[click]

And Vice President Biden.

Hey there, America! This is the last time

you'll be seeing me in public till Election Day,

so get a good looky-loo!

Mr. President, as COVID cases rise nationwide,

how do you plan to fight the pandemic?

Kristen, the election's in like three days.

I got major senioritis.

Basically, I'm only thinking

about the post-election trip to Six Flags.

This country is a rabid dog that ran off with the shotgun

that's supposed to put it out of its misery.

I'm gonna actually listen to the scientists.

Especially if there's a real pretty one

who puts her hair up with a pencil

then lets it down after a long night in the lab!

Look at me!

Brains and beauty! Yoo-hoo!

President Trump, do you believe

America has a systemic race problem?

No one has done more for Black Americans than I have,

except for Abe Lincoln, the only president I know about.

You're dang right America has a race problem!

Which is why I want to take us back to the days

when Barack Obama was President

and white Americans could feel fine

ignoring the race problem!

Mr. President, do you see Russia

as a threat to U.S. election integrity?

For my response, I'd like to rehash the latest Hunter Biden

revelations using keywords that can be cut into an attack ad.

Hard drive. Ukraine. Criminal. Not nice. Bad stuff.

Hey! I'm proud of my unemployable son!

Thanks, Dad. You love me so much, it makes me PISSED OFF!

I am the least-racist person in this room.

Kristen, I'm looking at you!

I heard you say backstage

that you think Italians are a little much.

When I'm president, my number-one priority

will be making windows tiny!

I knew it!

As we all know, Barack Obama

was about to start nuclear war with North Korea,

and I had to run into the Oval Office

in slow motion and scream...

[slowly] N-o-o-o-o!

Think of the children!

Of which I have four! Or five!

Shit. We're almost out of time,

and we need to cover the biggest threat to mankind.

Just some up your climate-change thing in five words.

Green New Deal but less!

74 years old. Don't care.

By the way, Kristen, I respect very much

the way you're handling this. -Nope. We're not doing that.

Kristen, you're acting like a real Lesley Stahl right now.

Enough! This whole thing is rigged!

It's completely unfair that Joe is more likable than me!

I'm leveling the playing field with a surprise guest

who answered the phone halfway through the first ring.

Did someone say "likability problem"?

Listen up, Dangerous Donald.

Healthy Hillary says you better kick

this Pokémon COVID in the Cardi B-hind.

-[audience groans] -Oh, that's the stuff.

She's like a warm, unbearably itchy blanket.

Kristen, you couldn't mute me if you tried.

Stay strong, Ghislaine!

That's all the time we have. Thanks for joining us.

And don't forget --

the election is in...two weeks?!

Holy fucking shit!

Grab anything that's not bolted to the White House floor!

[news-intro music plays]

Welcome to Meet the Press. I'm your host, Chuck Todd.

And contrary to popular opinion, I have lost all my baby teeth.

Today we're discussing Trump's latest

"Work From School" initiative, which would turn our nation's

public schools into underage workhouses.

Here to respond are two Democrats so powerful,

they don't feel the need to flaunt it

with a bunch of fancy legislative accomplishments --

Senator Schumer and Speaker Pelosi.

We'd like to go on the record

disavowing the Work From School program

as "not nice"!

Let me be clear -- the Democratic Party

only tolerates child labor abroad.

If President Trump is not careful,

we will have no choice but to strongly denounce him.

We're not there yet, but that strong denunciation

is locked and loaded on the tips of our tongues.

Strong language, Chuck.

Powerful words from a powerful Chuck.

-Chalk it up to Chuck, Chuck. -That's enough, Chucks!

With the President's popularity sinking faster

than the tit-titular ship, uh, in the movie Titanic,

Democrats seem poised to control the House and Senate,

which means a lot of power for the both of you.

-Yes! -I haven't a--

I haven't asked my question yet.

Exactly.

[Pelosi] Look at us. Televised as hell!

We are damn good at our jobs.

Bust out the Aspercreme! 'Cause you're getting a workout

when the Dems win the Senate.

First? Defund the police. Then universal healthcare.

Then we enter Phase Four,

which I like to call "Guillotine Time"!

Please. We're the Democratic Party.

We don't do things. We let the other guys do things

then look at what they did and say, "What are ya gonna do?"

As famous old guy Peter Parker once said,

"With great power comes great responsibility."

The left will not squander a Senate majority.

Not on my Apple Watch.

[Collins] Delicious!

This is exactly how I like my steak --

overcooked on the outside and frozen on the inside.

That way, I can have all the temperatures at once

and don't have to choose.

Eat up, Susie! You deserve it!

You never call me out, and you always defend my behavior!

You're a true friend to me and democracy!

I'm happy to serve a small minority of my country,

but I'm worried I might lose re-election

if I endorse or don't endorse Trump.

If you want, I can teach you to sob

until they let you keep your job!

I just wish reporters would stop bullying me.

Whatever happened to the Grand Old Party

of zero accountability?

Just say the first thing that comes to your mind

then let everyone elevate you to a station of power.

Although, results may vary because you're a --

[retching] a woman! I'll try.

[reporter] Senator Collins, will you be voting

for President Trump's re-election?

Uh...um...um...

[Collins] Ouch! That window was closed!

However, it was very clean. Five stars on Yelp!

-[cheers and applause] -Change! Forward! Yes, we can!

When they go low, we go high hopes!

Join me in celebrating our tag team

of legislative responsibility,

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi!

-[cheers and applause] -Do you hear this?

He's selling them hope and change again!

Don't worry. He'll be a good Democrat

and keep his promises frustratingly vague.

Remember what we did the last time

Democrats controlled the House and Senate?

We passed Obamacare. - ominous chord strikes

And all we had to do was leverage the political power

of every elected Democrat in the United States,

burn all the good will earned from electing the nation's

first African-American president,

and fuel the rise of the far-right Tea Party movement.

We gave many, but not all people moderately expensive healthcare

for four glorious years of congressional gridlock.

And with Pelosi and Schumer, we can do more.

[crowd member] Whoo!

We're setting them up for failure, baby!

I'm Bolf Witzler,

and, yes, I just made a mistake.

Senator Collins suffered a humiliating gaffe

when she dodged a reporter's question

by plunging through a glass window.

But the public still wants to know...

will Collins vote for President Trump's re-election?

It used to be that a public official's vote

was between them, their ballot box,

and the donors who filled in the ballot for them.

What? Yeah! Uh-huh! Just tell them to check in

after Squee's annual OctSqueeberFest bash!

If I tell them I'm voting for Trump,

I'll lose my trademark

"will she, won't she, she will" reputation.

Life was easy back then.

I just went to the family bar, shook a few barnacled hands,

and won my first Senate race.

If only I could do that now...

[snoring]

Moose! I'm horny! [sighs]

[Schumer] We brought you here today

to discuss the future of the Democratic Party.

-Universal Healthcare?! -Enacting policies that improve

the American people's lives for the better?!

-Amy Klobuchar?! -No. No. And no way in hell.

We're announcing an agenda for the first 100 days of office

if Democrats take control of the Senate.

A radical plan that will change politics as we know it!

This is the same agenda as always,

but in a different fuckin' font!

Yeah! A cool new font.

[together] Garamond, to be specific. Jinxies!

I represent the people,

and the people want what the people want,

and the people, they don't want that, people!

Calm down, Bernard.

This isn't the "Joe Roegman" Radio Hour.

I came out of super-max quarantine for this?

Shape up, or this party will be sabotaged by millennials

who have a lot of anger towards JK Rowling

and nowhere else to channel it!

[Collins] You got this, Collins.

Just say nothing and everything at the same time.

You will not jump out of a window again.

[reporter] Senator Collins!

Will you be supporting Trump's re-election?

Um, uh, b-- Well -- Uh, d-double talk.

Uh -- Aah!

Uh-oh, oh, no

Susan Collins has to have an opinion

-[tires squeal] -What the hell?!

Uh-oh, uh-oh

Susan Collins has to make up her mind

Oh, she's so indecisive!

Uh-oh, oh, no

Susan Collins has to state a point of view

[Collins] Susan is unavailable for comment.

Uh-oh

-Brett, is that you? -Yes.

Oh, thank God you're not some journalist here

to ask me personal questions like,

"Why are you covered in glass?"

Anyway, why are you in the wall?

Ohh! That's where I am?

I just woke up from a two-day bender

and assumed I was in my coffin!

I can't live like this anymore.

How about we get the heck out of here?

-But where will we go? -Far, far away,

to a land where the city seal

is a reindeer drunk-driving a snowmobile.

Caribou, Maine.

Awesome! A place where no one will call me out!

All my demons live in the Washington area.

Escape your demons with me!

As long as I can drink in the backseat!

Is that legal?

I don't know! Do you know?

I don't know, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Shouldn't you know?

I don't know!! Case closed!

-[Pelosi] I had the worst dream. -[Schumer] Me too.

[together] I dreamed I was talking like...

-Bernie Sanders! -Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!

Promise me we'll never have to know the chaos of a blank

Word document titled "Green New Deal Brainstorm."

Controlling the House is only symbolic power.

It grants me access to the

Speaker of the House-only bathroom.

There's only one option. Let's destroy

Democrats' chances of winning the Senate

so we never, ever have to be accountable for our power.

Let's get our asses kicked!

So... what are you wearing?

A type of girdle that was made illegal in 1982.

Good night, Chuck!

If we're going to lose the Senate,

we must target these three marks.

North Carolina. Colorado. Arizona. Got it.

And who better to sink our chances

than agent of chaos Hillary Rodham Clinton.

You know what to do. Lose!

You do it better than anyone else.

Ha ha! Well, I won the popular vote.

Yes! Talk to everyone exactly like that!

Pokémon Go... to the mines!

[Collins] This is it.

Where is the booze? Where's P.J. and mah boys?

Where's the body shots and the bodies

that the shots go on top of?

This place is a dump! And not the cool kind like O'Shittery's!

I don't think bars come with the "party."

We have to "start" the business.

Oh. How do you "start" "a" "business"?

Good question.

How do you find new places to drink?

Me and the Kavasquad drive till I hit a telephone pole,

then we make the tow-truck driver stop at his favorite bar.

But how do you find a bar when your license is suspended?

Sometimes I'll see a commercial

that says my favorite radio jockey,

Ramiro the Freakin' Albanian, is making a club appearance!

Hmm. It sounds like you're suggesting we make an ad.

Yeah! Holy shit! I'm gonna be on TV!

I'll start working on my crying face!

[sobbing wildly]

[somber organ music playing]

[Schumer] Because Hillary made coal miners

do the Renegade dance at gunpoint,

We are gathered here today to mourn our tanking poll numbers

in Senator Hickenlooper's Colorado race.

If we could please bow our heads for a moment of silence.

[reporter] Sorry for interrupting whatever this is,

but President Trump has just outsourced the management

of his Work From School program

to mercenary Blackwater Contractors?

So...that's bad?

This has caused a polling upswing for Senate Democrats.

[angrily] Damn it!

I mean -- [sweetly] Damn it. I mean, uh, damn it.

Press conference over! Go home to your Games of Throne.

I know I will.

Even when we try to lose, Trump makes us win.

It's time for a hail mary.

Get into the mind of Mitch McConnell

to tank Democrats' chances of re-election for good?

Sounds invasive. We can't do that to a friend.

-Then what? -Let's find out how to sink

the Democratic party from our frenemies, Bernie and AOC.

Ugh! But Bernie chews with his mouth open

whether he's eating or not!

[both shudder] Jinxies!

Do you like bar? Do you like restaurant?

Well, then, have we got a place for you or you!

Come on down. Or don't!

I'm not going to tell you what to do either way.

Are we advertising a bar or a restaurant?

I don't know. I don't want to make that decision.

What if we call it...

The Bar Or Restaurant Restaurant?!

That's a great idea!

We'll let customers decide what we sell to them.

The Bar Or Restaurant Restaurant --

where a drunk can be a drunk.

Or not! Puuughh!

So, what do you panhandling Antifa generals want?

Remember -- we're going to do the opposite

of everything they say.

Chuck, we are on your side.

Yeah. Sure. The same s-- same side.

We want you to listen to constituents

and then pass legislation that reflects their concerns.

"Listen...to... constituents."

[Bernie] We want you to --

Eh, I'm not done writing that line yet.

"Pass...legislation."

And call out Trump but use stronger language

than, "Hey, get a load of this guy."

"Call...out...Trump."

Do you really need to write this down?

This doesn't come naturally to me, okay?!

I'll keep it simple, stupid.

Just denounce Trump at every turn.

Every turn. Or we'll tear this party apart

like it was a budget-line item

promising to buy the police a bazooka.

Okay. Got it. Thank you for your time.

-[door closes] -You know what that means.

[together] Time to align ourselves with Trump

to lose the Senate for Democrats! Jinxies!

Buy me an ice-cream freezer.

Ooh. Not sure I can afford one right now.

How 'bout a Tesla?

[Kavanaugh] Is the new social-distancing rule

that bars can only have one blackout drunk patron at a time?

We need to do something to get the party going.

I can't decide for myself.

I need you sober enough to tell me what to do.

N-o-o-o!!

[grunting]

Stupid idiot sign with the idiot nails!

[crashing]

Brett, what did you do?

I ripped this off the sign because it looked at me funny!

You think you're better than me, word-on-a-sign?!

I went to law school!

[customer] The Bar Restaurant Restaurant.

That sounds like a great place to get piss-drunk

and yell at my dad!

[Kavanaugh] Whoo! To Squee!

[Schumer] On behalf of the Democratic party,

we'd like to commend President Trump

on his brilliant Work From School program

which will kickstart our economy with little children-sized feet.

It's time to put these youngsters to work.

And if they're old enough to work,

they're old enough to date.

Ah-ah-ah! No need to speak, Mr. President.

You've done enough. Thank you for your fearless leadership.

You're right! I am a fearless big boy!

The only thing I'm afraid of is the drug-induced Babadook

who appears each night to sit on my chest

until I agree to nuke Iran.

Great speech, Mr. President. Let's quit while we're ahead.

Cool. I gotta call the prime minister

of some [bleep]-hole country anyway.

-Photo opp over! -It's working, Nancy!

Polls show support for Democrats

has plummeted after party leaders

did what one voter described as "literally the only thing

they had to avoid doing to pull this one out."

We're projected to lose every toss-up Senate race!

Crisis averted!

[indistinct conversations]

[man] Hey. What's today's special?

Um, uh, um...

Today's special is... Narsty Lite.

Okay. I'll take one of those.

Brett! Did you just see that?!

I made a decision, and I shamelessly stuck by it!

I'm a regular Sophie from that movie where she makes a choice.

I didn't see it, but I bet she'd be proud of me.

Susie! Hand me another Narsty Lite!

-O-kay! -[gulping]

A yearbook is like a diary! It is private!

This is actually kind of fun!

Choosing Narsty Lites is like choosing sides.

Maybe I can do it!

[Schumer] We did it. Soak it in, Nancy.

This is the Senate chamber we'll never control.

[Bernie] We knew it! The establishment

is sabotaging the Democratic party!

We're done. We're starting a new party.

Your ass is grass, Chucky. -Excuse me?

You heard him! Swing left dot com,

hashtag defund democrats,

backslash America's canceled dot gov!

Look at me. Look at me. We're the captains now.

This is all just a big misunderstanding.

Uh, falso! You blew up the party to spite your base.

Now we're not only losing in the Senate;

we're projected to lose the House!

Lose the House?!

-[together] Obvi! -Jinxies.

Buy me a pair of sustainable TOMS slippers

so another pair will be donated to shoeless children in Africa.

But that means I'll lose the Speaker of the House bidet!

I can't pee in the same bathroom as Liz Cheney.

She hums!

[rock music playing]

Randy. Heard about you and the wife.

You gotta leave her, man. She's holding you back.

I've decided.

Paula, you're deciding between tequila and vodka.

Hm. Let's go with tequila since vodka makes you play

with that handgun in your purse.

Decided!

A dirty Narsty Lite with six shots of absinthe.

You got it, Brett Kavanaugh.

A decision...I've made!

[gurgling]

You know, for a Supreme Court justice,

your taste in drinks is kinda "small-claims court."

-[patrons laughing] -Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

Okay, okay. I can take it.

It's not like I publicly cry all the time.

I mean, you really do have bad taste.

No wonder you're always on the same side

as that pube freak Clarence Thomas.

-[patrons laughing] -Um, hello!

He's the only other guy whose confirmation was tainted

by credible claims of sexual misconduct! We clicked!

You are the Narsty Lite of appointed judges --

regrettable in the moment and even worse the next day.

-[patrons laughing] -You can come for me,

but don't you dare insult my Narsty Lite!

You've crossed the line, Collins!

[sobbing]

[Pelosi] What'll happen to democracy

and my "hashtag boss babe" status if the Democrats

lose the House?! Chuck?!

Are you even listening?! -I hear you.

Well, aren't you gonna say anything?

I'm not worried about it.

You're not worried because you have a plan

or you're not worried because things will be fine?

As long as I'm the last Democratic senator standing,

I'll always have an exclusive pot to piss in

and oil money to shill. I'm golden.

Have you no shame, sir?

I was fine with doing nothing when the police

were body slamming 90-year-olds.

I was okay with inaction when millions of Americans

lost their jobs because of a global pandemic

that we knew was coming and in many instances made money from.

I was even okay when the Arctic started

looking like a melted raspberry slushie.

But I will not lose the Speaker of the House

bathroom privileges!

Don't worry, Nance. This will all be worth it in the end.

No power, no problem.

For the first time in our decades-old political alliance,

I regret co-conspiring with you.

[country music plays]

[glass shatters]

Hey, who spilled my dirty Narsty Lite?!

[man] Uh, you did. We just saw you.

-Shut up! -[bottle shatters]

[shouting, punches landing]

Stop it! Stop it!

This is not what The Bar Restaurant

Restaurant Bar Restaurant is about!

Get out, Brett Kavanaugh. I'm cuttin' you off.

[gasps] How dare you call me out on my destructive behavior!

I thought you were my friend!

[sobbing]

[door closes]

Nobody holds Brett Kavanaugh accountable!

Brett! Don't do it! How could you?

How could me? How could you?!

You made fun of me in front of all those people

like I'm some kind of drunk clown.

Well, I mean, c'mon...

You're the clown!

The sad little clown named...Susan Collins.

Fuck! I can't think of anything!

Fair is fair! You call me a mean name,

I burn your life to the ground!

That's the Brett Kavanaugh Experience!

-[flames rush] -[Collins gasps]

Oh, you are the worst choice I ever made in my life!

And to think, I could have started

The Bar Restaurant Restaurant Bar

with Merrick Garland!

You made your decision. Live with it.

Buuuughhh!

[sobbing and vomiting]

I'm here to lightly condemn the GOP's newest anti-LGBT bill

mandating a new season of Will & Grace

where every episode ends with Will marrying Grace.

-[funky music playing] -It is very...not nice.

And I denounce --

I'm sorry, but it's just not the same

without anyone to jinxies with.

[reporter] Sorry. Excuse me. Jinxies?

Is that on the record?

[funky music playing]

-Isn't this awesome? -I guess. Heh.

I don't know. Not really.

Then why did the DSA just repost us on their Finstagram?

I don't even know what those words mean.

[Collins] Thanks for nothin'.

I'm just going to retire from the Senate in dignity.

I've decided.

[incoherent mumbling]

Why's that?

Oh. You're right.

Another terrible decision in a long line

of terrible decisions from me.

[crying] You're right.

I don't, either. What's done is done.

-What's that? -[grumbles]

-Puuugggh! -[vomit splashing]

[Obama] Thank you both for coming.

I'm surprised you're not too busy

flossing with your new comrades.

I'm surprised you're not taking a dump on the House floor.

Enough. I brought you together to work out your differences.

I am sick of constantly cleaning up your messes.

I'm retired. I got a Netflix deal.

I've secretly been to space. Now's the time for party unity.

Enough speeches. Chuck, do you have anything to say to me?

You were being a selfish prick!

We're always selfish pricks.

I don't understand why it's suddenly a problem.

Because it affected me!

It's okay for you not to care about anyone or anything,

but don't direct that narcissistic apathy towards me.

We're a team.

And while there is no "I" in team,

there is an "M" and "E,"

as in "don't fuck with ME ever again"!

Nancy, I'm sorry. I should have never put

your Speaker of the House bathroom at risk.

-I forgive you. -I'm so glad we're making up.

Life wasn't the same without you.

I had no one to do jinxies with.

Same. I got carpal tunnel filming AOC's TikToks.

But how do we move forward?

I still don't want to be in charge of anything.

Me neither. But we need to win,

for the sake of our political alliance.

Oh, don't be scared of winning. Nothing will change regardless.

You're Democrats. You're gonna water down

all your proposals anyway.

-[both] Yes, we can. -[Obama] Yes, we can.

can a brother get a jinxies?

This is going to be the hardest

we've ever fought for the American people.

Nurses, schmurses! We're the real heroes!

[telephone rings, woman screaming]

Yes, constituent. I hear your concerns.

-We're listening. -[woman screaming]

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

inspirational rock music plays

[Schumer and Pelosi] President Trump is a racist...

authoritarian...The Hague!

[crowd cheering]

[reporter] Will you or will you not be voting

for President Trump's re-election?

Yes, I am here to speak to you all today.

But, no, I did not come here all on my own.

Yes, I did, in fact, get help from Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

No, he is not here right now.

Yes, he is currently unconscious.

No, he refuses to get off of my bathroom floor.

Let's do this one more time.

Will you or will you not

be voting for President Trump's re-election?

Yes...to be... or not to be.

That is the question that Hamlet raised

in the movie, uh, Hamlet...

Come on! Some of us have second jobs selling plasma!

Okay, okay. I have made a decision.

And, no, I will not be sharing it with you

until after the winner is announced.

-[reporters groan] -I've decided.

[man] At least she didn't jump out the window this time.

To Squee!

[Schumer] We're supposed to get the e-mail with the Senate race

poll data any minute now. -[ding]

Look, Chuck! There it is! How do we read what's inside?

-Open the attachment. -I don't know how!

Usually Pete Buttigieg does that for me.

-Then call him. -God, no.

I'm not talking to Politico's Doogie Howser.

Just double-click it!

-I am clicking it. -No, double click it.

Do you hear that "click, click, click"?

I'm clicking it, Nancy!

[ding]

Well, we're in a dead-heat race

with the party responsible for an economic recession,

the rise of fascism, and a pandemic outbreak.

[together] So, yes, we're winning. Jinxies!

I'm Anderson Cooper, and my eyes

are what the inside of a glacier looks like.

In congressional news, Senator Schumer and Speaker Pelosi

have pledged to use a Democrat-controlled Senate

to do absolutely nothing.

And sources confirm that Senator Collins

hasn't crashed through a Capitol Building window in days.

I'm sure this is exactly how the Founding Fathers

intended the two-party system to function.

Great job, Susie! You decided to not not take a stand.

And hopefully I won't have to.

With any luck, the Supreme Court will decide the election.

Democracy lies in your trembling, vomit-covered hands.

[both laughing]

Ah. That is the case!

[laughing]

Hey, can I pick the next Supreme Court justice?

I got a Delta Kappa buddy

in a real bad spot, child support-wise!

['80s-style pop music plays]

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump is the president

Is Donald Trump the president?

Yes, he is

Yes, he is, we elected him president

Is Donald Trump the president?

Yes, he is

We had a vote and elected him president

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump

He is our president

We made him president

We did it

Donald Trump is the president

We elected Donald Trump

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump is the president

Yeah

Trump!