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00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,708
[Welker]
From Nashville, Tennessee,
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00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,668
it's the final
presidential debate.
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00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,545
I'm Kristen Welker,
the latest in a long line
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00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:48,548
of female journalists the
President hates more than ISIS.
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00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,592
Tonight, I will be muting
the candidates' mics
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00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,719
during their opponent's remarks,
which tells you
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00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,929
all you need to know
about one of these candidates.
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00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:58,600
Wow! Isn't this great?
Things are going so well for me!
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00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:00,101
I'm down by ten points,
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00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:03,438
and my hail mary's calling
Lesley Stahl the C-word.
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00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,606
The "C" stands for --
-[click]
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00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,608
And Vice President Biden.
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00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:08,568
Hey there, America!
This is the last time
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00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,945
you'll be seeing me in public
till Election Day,
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00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:12,906
so get a good
looky-loo!
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00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:16,242
Mr. President,
as COVID cases rise nationwide,
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00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,078
how do you plan
to fight the pandemic?
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00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:20,080
Kristen, the election's
in like three days.
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00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,082
I got major senioritis.
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00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,333
Basically, I'm only thinking
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00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:25,668
about the post-election trip
to Six Flags.
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00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,922
This country is a rabid dog
that ran off with the shotgun
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00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:30,924
that's supposed to
put it out of its misery.
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00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,259
I'm gonna actually
listen to the scientists.
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00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,928
Especially if there's
a real pretty one
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00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,429
who puts her hair up
with a pencil
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00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:39,099
then lets it down after
a long night in the lab!
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00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:40,391
Look at me!
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00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,185
Brains and beauty!
Yoo-hoo!
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00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,187
President Trump,
do you believe
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00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,439
America has
a systemic race problem?
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00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,192
No one has done more for
Black Americans than I have,
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00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,611
except for Abe Lincoln,
the only president I know about.
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00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:53,780
You're dang right America
has a race problem!
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00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:56,116
Which is why I want to
take us back to the days
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00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:57,909
when Barack Obama
was President
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00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,828
and white Americans
could feel fine
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00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,788
ignoring the race problem!
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00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:03,623
Mr. President,
do you see Russia
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00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,959
as a threat to
U.S. election integrity?
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00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,920
For my response, I'd like to
rehash the latest Hunter Biden
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00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:12,465
revelations using keywords that
can be cut into an attack ad.
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00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:15,135
Hard drive. Ukraine. Criminal.
Not nice. Bad stuff.
44
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:17,929
Hey! I'm proud of
my unemployable son!
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00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:21,266
Thanks, Dad. You love me so
much, it makes me PISSED OFF!
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00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,518
I am the least-racist
person in this room.
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00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,186
Kristen,
I'm looking at you!
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00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:26,855
I heard you say backstage
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00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,482
that you think Italians
are a little much.
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00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,818
When I'm president,
my number-one priority
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00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,820
will be making
windows tiny!
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00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,113
I knew it!
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00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,948
As we all know,
Barack Obama
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00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,742
was about to start nuclear war
with North Korea,
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00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:41,494
and I had to run
into the Oval Office
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00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,121
in slow motion and scream...
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00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,497
[slowly] N-o-o-o-o!
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00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,916
Think of the children!
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00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:51,462
Of which I have four!
Or five!
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00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:53,089
Shit. We're almost out of time,
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00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,341
and we need to cover
the biggest threat to mankind.
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00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,927
Just some up your climate-change
thing in five words.
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00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,429
Green New Deal but less!
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00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,389
74 years old. Don't care.
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00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,349
By the way, Kristen,
I respect very much
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00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:05,727
the way you're handling this.
-Nope. We're not doing that.
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00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,855
Kristen, you're acting like
a real Lesley Stahl right now.
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00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,815
Enough!
This whole thing is rigged!
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00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:14,027
It's completely unfair that
Joe is more likable than me!
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00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:16,362
I'm leveling the playing field
with a surprise guest
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00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,531
who answered the phone halfway
through the first ring.
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00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,910
Did someone say
"likability problem"?
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00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,037
Listen up,
Dangerous Donald.
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00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,539
Healthy Hillary says
you better kick
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00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:30,043
this Pokémon COVID
in the Cardi B-hind.
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00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:32,295
-[audience groans]
-Oh, that's the stuff.
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00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,131
She's like a warm,
unbearably itchy blanket.
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00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,675
Kristen, you couldn't
mute me if you tried.
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00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,302
Stay strong, Ghislaine!
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That's all the time we have.
Thanks for joining us.
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00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:42,555
And don't forget --
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00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,349
the election is in...two weeks?!
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00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,017
Holy fucking shit!
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00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:51,189
Grab anything that's not bolted
to the White House floor!
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00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,988
[news-intro music plays]
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00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,241
Welcome to Meet the Press.
I'm your host, Chuck Todd.
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00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:04,160
And contrary to popular opinion,
I have lost all my baby teeth.
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00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:05,995
Today we're discussing
Trump's latest
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00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,914
"Work From School" initiative,
which would turn our nation's
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public schools
into underage workhouses.
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00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,126
Here to respond
are two Democrats so powerful,
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00:04:12,168 --> 00:04:13,878
they don't feel the need
to flaunt it
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00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,922
with a bunch of fancy
legislative accomplishments --
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00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,715
Senator Schumer
and Speaker Pelosi.
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00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,259
We'd like to go
on the record
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00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,761
disavowing
the Work From School program
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00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,388
as "not nice"!
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00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,765
Let me be clear --
the Democratic Party
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00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,059
only tolerates
child labor abroad.
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00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,270
If President Trump
is not careful,
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00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,147
we will have no choice
but to strongly denounce him.
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00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:35,858
We're not there yet,
but that strong denunciation
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00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,361
is locked and loaded
on the tips of our tongues.
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00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:39,612
Strong language, Chuck.
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00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,364
Powerful words
from a powerful Chuck.
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00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,116
-Chalk it up to Chuck, Chuck.
-That's enough, Chucks!
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00:04:43,157 --> 00:04:45,034
With the President's
popularity sinking faster
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00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:48,037
than the tit-titular ship, uh,
in the movie Titanic,
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00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,123
Democrats seem poised to control
the House and Senate,
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00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:51,958
which means a lot of power
for the both of you.
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00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,251
-Yes!
-I haven't a--
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00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,294
I haven't asked
my question yet.
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00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:55,628
Exactly.
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[Pelosi] Look at us.
Televised as hell!
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00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,383
We are damn good
at our jobs.
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00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,885
Bust out the Aspercreme!
'Cause you're getting a workout
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00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,721
when the Dems
win the Senate.
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00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:07,557
First? Defund the police.
Then universal healthcare.
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00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:08,975
Then we enter Phase Four,
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00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:11,060
which I like to call
"Guillotine Time"!
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00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,979
Please.
We're the Democratic Party.
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00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,648
We don't do things.
We let the other guys do things
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00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,817
then look at what they did and
say, "What are ya gonna do?"
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00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,320
As famous old guy
Peter Parker once said,
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00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:23,364
"With great power comes
great responsibility."
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00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,616
The left will not squander
a Senate majority.
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00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,909
Not on my Apple Watch.
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00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,537
[Collins] Delicious!
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00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,415
This is exactly
how I like my steak --
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00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,793
overcooked on the outside
and frozen on the inside.
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00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:38,463
That way, I can have
all the temperatures at once
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00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:40,173
and don't have to choose.
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00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:42,008
Eat up, Susie!
You deserve it!
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00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:45,261
You never call me out, and you
always defend my behavior!
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00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:48,639
You're a true friend
to me and democracy!
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00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,809
I'm happy to serve a small
minority of my country,
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00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,437
but I'm worried
I might lose re-election
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00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,190
if I endorse
or don't endorse Trump.
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00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,025
If you want,
I can teach you to sob
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00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,943
until they let you
keep your job!
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00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:04,030
I just wish reporters
would stop bullying me.
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00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,783
Whatever happened
to the Grand Old Party
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00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,785
of zero accountability?
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00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,453
Just say the first thing
that comes to your mind
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00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:13,164
then let everyone elevate you
to a station of power.
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00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,666
Although, results may vary
because you're a --
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00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,127
[retching] a woman!
I'll try.
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00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,171
[reporter] Senator Collins,
will you be voting
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00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,714
for President Trump's
re-election?
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00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,175
Uh...um...um...
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00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:28,262
[Collins] Ouch!
That window was closed!
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00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:32,225
However, it was very clean.
Five stars on Yelp!
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00:06:32,266 --> 00:06:35,478
-[cheers and applause]
-Change! Forward! Yes, we can!
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00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,189
When they go low,
we go high hopes!
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00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,441
Join me in celebrating
our tag team
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00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,193
of legislative responsibility,
157
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,487
Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi!
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00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,239
-[cheers and applause]
-Do you hear this?
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00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,366
He's selling them
hope and change again!
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00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,326
Don't worry.
He'll be a good Democrat
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00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,620
and keep his promises
frustratingly vague.
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00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,247
Remember what we did
the last time
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00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:56,499
Democrats controlled
the House and Senate?
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00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,084
We passed Obamacare.
- ominous chord strikes
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00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:01,337
And all we had to do
was leverage the political power
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00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,090
of every elected Democrat
in the United States,
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00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,342
burn all the good will earned
from electing the nation's
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00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,594
first African-American
president,
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00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:11,597
and fuel the rise of the
far-right Tea Party movement.
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00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:15,601
We gave many, but not all people
moderately expensive healthcare
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00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,438
for four glorious years
of congressional gridlock.
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00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:20,898
And with Pelosi and Schumer,
we can do more.
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00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,275
[crowd member] Whoo!
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00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:25,278
We're setting them up
for failure, baby!
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00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:27,822
I'm Bolf Witzler,
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00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,574
and, yes,
I just made a mistake.
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00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:31,951
Senator Collins suffered
a humiliating gaffe
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00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,078
when she dodged
a reporter's question
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00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,122
by plunging through
a glass window.
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00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,957
But the public
still wants to know...
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00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:41,210
will Collins vote for
President Trump's re-election?
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00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,838
It used to be that
a public official's vote
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00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,965
was between them,
their ballot box,
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00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,801
and the donors who filled in
the ballot for them.
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00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:52,138
What? Yeah! Uh-huh!
Just tell them to check in
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00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:55,183
after Squee's annual
OctSqueeberFest bash!
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00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:57,268
If I tell them
I'm voting for Trump,
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00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,769
I'll lose my trademark
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00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:02,732
"will she, won't she,
she will" reputation.
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00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,609
Life was easy back then.
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00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:08,279
I just went to the family bar,
shook a few barnacled hands,
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00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,323
and won my first
Senate race.
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00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,492
If only I could
do that now...
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00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:13,951
[snoring]
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00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,454
Moose! I'm horny!
[sighs]
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00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,332
[Schumer]
We brought you here today
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00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:21,459
to discuss the future
of the Democratic Party.
198
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,961
-Universal Healthcare?!
-Enacting policies that improve
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00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:25,963
the American people's lives
for the better?!
200
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:29,675
-Amy Klobuchar?!
-No. No. And no way in hell.
201
00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:32,845
We're announcing an agenda
for the first 100 days of office
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00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,764
if Democrats take control
of the Senate.
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00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:38,559
A radical plan that will
change politics as we know it!
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00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,436
This is the same agenda
as always,
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00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:42,355
but in a different
fuckin' font!
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00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:43,940
Yeah! A cool new font.
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00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:46,400
[together] Garamond,
to be specific. Jinxies!
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00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,236
I represent the people,
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00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,321
and the people want
what the people want,
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00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,740
and the people,
they don't want that, people!
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00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,158
Calm down, Bernard.
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00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,369
This isn't the
"Joe Roegman" Radio Hour.
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00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:59,705
I came out of super-max
quarantine for this?
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00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:02,833
Shape up, or this party will
be sabotaged by millennials
215
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:05,711
who have a lot of anger
towards JK Rowling
216
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,838
and nowhere else
to channel it!
217
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,384
[Collins]
You got this, Collins.
218
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:14,845
Just say nothing and everything
at the same time.
219
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,139
You will not jump
out of a window again.
220
00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:18,808
[reporter]
Senator Collins!
221
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,226
Will you be supporting
Trump's re-election?
222
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,979
Um, uh, b--
Well -- Uh, d-double talk.
223
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:25,356
Uh -- Aah!
224
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,024
Uh-oh, oh, no
225
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,235
Susan Collins
has to have an opinion
226
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,320
-[tires squeal]
-What the hell?!
227
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:33,114
Uh-oh, uh-oh
228
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:35,157
Susan Collins
has to make up her mind
229
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:37,326
Oh, she's so indecisive!
230
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,287
Uh-oh, oh, no
231
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:42,206
Susan Collins has to
state a point of view
232
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,918
[Collins] Susan is
unavailable for comment.
233
00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:48,254
Uh-oh
234
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,631
-Brett, is that you?
-Yes.
235
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,050
Oh, thank God you're not
some journalist here
236
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,011
to ask me
personal questions like,
237
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:56,721
"Why are you covered
in glass?"
238
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,472
Anyway, why are you
in the wall?
239
00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,266
Ohh! That's where I am?
240
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,226
I just woke up
from a two-day bender
241
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,353
and assumed
I was in my coffin!
242
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,314
I can't live
like this anymore.
243
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,649
How about we get
the heck out of here?
244
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:11,569
-But where will we go?
-Far, far away,
245
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,738
to a land
where the city seal
246
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,532
is a reindeer
drunk-driving a snowmobile.
247
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,117
Caribou, Maine.
248
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:21,037
Awesome! A place where
no one will call me out!
249
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:23,372
All my demons live
in the Washington area.
250
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,583
Escape your demons
with me!
251
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,585
As long as I can drink
in the backseat!
252
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,878
Is that legal?
253
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,630
I don't know!
Do you know?
254
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,466
I don't know, Supreme Court
Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
255
00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,634
Shouldn't you know?
256
00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:36,719
I don't know!!
Case closed!
257
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:39,639
-[Pelosi] I had the worst dream.
-[Schumer] Me too.
258
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,432
[together]
I dreamed I was talking like...
259
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:44,310
-Bernie Sanders!
-Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!
260
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,854
Promise me we'll never have
to know the chaos of a blank
261
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:49,440
Word document titled
"Green New Deal Brainstorm."
262
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,692
Controlling the House
is only symbolic power.
263
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,152
It grants me access
to the
264
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,321
Speaker of the House-only
bathroom.
265
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,198
There's only one option.
Let's destroy
266
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,158
Democrats' chances
of winning the Senate
267
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,869
so we never, ever have to be
accountable for our power.
268
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,163
Let's get our asses kicked!
269
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,165
So...
what are you wearing?
270
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:08,834
A type of girdle that
was made illegal in 1982.
271
00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:10,503
Good night, Chuck!
272
00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:12,838
If we're going to
lose the Senate,
273
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,007
we must target
these three marks.
274
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,885
North Carolina. Colorado.
Arizona. Got it.
275
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,762
And who better
to sink our chances
276
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,932
than agent of chaos
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
277
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,850
You know what to do.
Lose!
278
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:27,186
You do it better
than anyone else.
279
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,897
Ha ha! Well, I won
the popular vote.
280
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,608
Yes! Talk to everyone
exactly like that!
281
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:36,278
Pokémon Go...
to the mines!
282
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,114
[Collins] This is it.
283
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,950
Where is the booze?
Where's P.J. and mah boys?
284
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,451
Where's the body shots
and the bodies
285
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,161
that the shots
go on top of?
286
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:47,498
This place is a dump! And not
the cool kind like O'Shittery's!
287
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,834
I don't think bars
come with the "party."
288
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,086
We have to "start"
the business.
289
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:55,089
Oh. How do you
"start" "a" "business"?
290
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,507
Good question.
291
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,176
How do you find
new places to drink?
292
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,846
Me and the Kavasquad drive
till I hit a telephone pole,
293
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,724
then we make the tow-truck
driver stop at his favorite bar.
294
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:07,560
But how do you find a bar
when your license is suspended?
295
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:09,270
Sometimes I'll see
a commercial
296
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:11,230
that says
my favorite radio jockey,
297
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:14,859
Ramiro the Freakin' Albanian,
is making a club appearance!
298
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:18,279
Hmm. It sounds like you're
suggesting we make an ad.
299
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,782
Yeah! Holy shit!
I'm gonna be on TV!
300
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,076
I'll start working
on my crying face!
301
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:28,497
[sobbing wildly]
302
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,957
[somber organ music playing]
303
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,917
[Schumer] Because Hillary
made coal miners
304
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,753
do the Renegade dance
at gunpoint,
305
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:37,339
We are gathered here today to
mourn our tanking poll numbers
306
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,759
in Senator Hickenlooper's
Colorado race.
307
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,846
If we could please bow our heads
for a moment of silence.
308
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:46,432
[reporter] Sorry for
interrupting whatever this is,
309
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,934
but President Trump has just
outsourced the management
310
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,352
of his Work From School program
311
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:52,855
to mercenary
Blackwater Contractors?
312
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,690
So...that's bad?
313
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,777
This has caused a polling
upswing for Senate Democrats.
314
00:12:57,818 --> 00:12:59,278
[angrily] Damn it!
315
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,113
I mean -- [sweetly] Damn it.
I mean, uh, damn it.
316
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,240
Press conference over! Go home
to your Games of Throne.
317
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:04,658
I know I will.
318
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,827
Even when we try to lose,
Trump makes us win.
319
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,162
It's time for a hail mary.
320
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,914
Get into the mind
of Mitch McConnell
321
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,166
to tank Democrats' chances
of re-election for good?
322
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,293
Sounds invasive. We can't
do that to a friend.
323
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,128
-Then what?
-Let's find out how to sink
324
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:19,006
the Democratic party from
our frenemies, Bernie and AOC.
325
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,175
Ugh! But Bernie chews
with his mouth open
326
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,469
whether he's eating
or not!
327
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,845
[both shudder]
Jinxies!
328
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:28,766
Do you like bar?
Do you like restaurant?
329
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,937
Well, then, have we got a place
for you or you!
330
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:35,314
Come on down. Or don't!
331
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:38,734
I'm not going to tell you
what to do either way.
332
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,945
Are we advertising
a bar or a restaurant?
333
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:44,240
I don't know. I don't want
to make that decision.
334
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:45,658
What if we call it...
335
00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:48,118
The Bar Or Restaurant
Restaurant?!
336
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,287
That's a great idea!
337
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:53,249
We'll let customers decide
what we sell to them.
338
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,334
The Bar Or Restaurant
Restaurant --
339
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,169
where a drunk
can be a drunk.
340
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,505
Or not!
Puuughh!
341
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:03,634
So, what do you panhandling
Antifa generals want?
342
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,469
Remember -- we're
going to do the opposite
343
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,679
of everything they say.
344
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,639
Chuck, we are
on your side.
345
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,475
Yeah. Sure.
The same s-- same side.
346
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,519
We want you to listen
to constituents
347
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,563
and then pass legislation
that reflects their concerns.
348
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:18,023
"Listen...to...
constituents."
349
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:19,567
[Bernie]
We want you to --
350
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:21,694
Eh, I'm not done
writing that line yet.
351
00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:24,321
"Pass...legislation."
352
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,699
And call out Trump
but use stronger language
353
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,826
than, "Hey, get a load
of this guy."
354
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,579
"Call...out...Trump."
355
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,914
Do you really need
to write this down?
356
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,166
This doesn't come
naturally to me, okay?!
357
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,626
I'll keep it simple,
stupid.
358
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,378
Just denounce Trump
at every turn.
359
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,630
Every turn. Or we'll
tear this party apart
360
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,340
like it was
a budget-line item
361
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,509
promising to buy
the police a bazooka.
362
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:48,137
Okay. Got it.
Thank you for your time.
363
00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:49,805
-[door closes]
-You know what that means.
364
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,724
[together] Time to align
ourselves with Trump
365
00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:53,976
to lose the Senate
for Democrats! Jinxies!
366
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,561
Buy me an ice-cream
freezer.
367
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,230
Ooh. Not sure I can
afford one right now.
368
00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,690
How 'bout a Tesla?
369
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,693
[Kavanaugh] Is the new
social-distancing rule
370
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,988
that bars can only have one
blackout drunk patron at a time?
371
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:09,199
We need to do something
to get the party going.
372
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:11,076
I can't decide for myself.
373
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:15,039
I need you sober enough
to tell me what to do.
374
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,082
N-o-o-o!!
375
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,417
[grunting]
376
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,754
Stupid idiot sign
with the idiot nails!
377
00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:22,922
[crashing]
378
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:25,132
Brett, what did you do?
379
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:28,093
I ripped this off the sign
because it looked at me funny!
380
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:30,429
You think you're better than me,
word-on-a-sign?!
381
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,973
I went to law school!
382
00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:34,767
[customer]
The Bar Restaurant Restaurant.
383
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,810
That sounds like a great place
to get piss-drunk
384
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:37,978
and yell at my dad!
385
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,814
[Kavanaugh]
Whoo! To Squee!
386
00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:43,567
[Schumer] On behalf of
the Democratic party,
387
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,611
we'd like to commend
President Trump
388
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:48,238
on his brilliant
Work From School program
389
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,700
which will kickstart our economy
with little children-sized feet.
390
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,410
It's time to put
these youngsters to work.
391
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:54,870
And if they're
old enough to work,
392
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,246
they're old enough to date.
393
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:59,416
Ah-ah-ah! No need to
speak, Mr. President.
394
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:03,045
You've done enough. Thank you
for your fearless leadership.
395
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,214
You're right!
I am a fearless big boy!
396
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,716
The only thing I'm afraid of
is the drug-induced Babadook
397
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,593
who appears each night
to sit on my chest
398
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,428
until I agree to nuke Iran.
399
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,806
Great speech, Mr. President.
Let's quit while we're ahead.
400
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:15,474
Cool. I gotta call
the prime minister
401
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,142
of some [bleep]-hole
country anyway.
402
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,103
-Photo opp over!
-It's working, Nancy!
403
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:20,521
Polls show
support for Democrats
404
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,481
has plummeted
after party leaders
405
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,984
did what one voter described
as "literally the only thing
406
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:27,194
they had to avoid doing
to pull this one out."
407
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,655
We're projected to lose
every toss-up Senate race!
408
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,865
Crisis averted!
409
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,534
[indistinct conversations]
410
00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:35,119
[man] Hey. What's
today's special?
411
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,162
Um, uh, um...
412
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:40,082
Today's special is...
Narsty Lite.
413
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,626
Okay. I'll take
one of those.
414
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,628
Brett!
Did you just see that?!
415
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:48,340
I made a decision, and
I shamelessly stuck by it!
416
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,969
I'm a regular Sophie from that
movie where she makes a choice.
417
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:55,639
I didn't see it, but I bet
she'd be proud of me.
418
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,684
Susie! Hand me
another Narsty Lite!
419
00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:00,602
-O-kay!
-[gulping]
420
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:04,314
A yearbook is like a diary!
It is private!
421
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:06,483
This is actually
kind of fun!
422
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,945
Choosing Narsty Lites
is like choosing sides.
423
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:12,239
Maybe I can do it!
424
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,660
[Schumer] We did it.
Soak it in, Nancy.
425
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,996
This is the Senate chamber
we'll never control.
426
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,998
[Bernie] We knew it!
The establishment
427
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,833
is sabotaging
the Democratic party!
428
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,376
We're done.
We're starting a new party.
429
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,837
Your ass is grass, Chucky.
-Excuse me?
430
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,006
You heard him!
Swing left dot com,
431
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,674
hashtag defund democrats,
432
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,302
backslash America's
canceled dot gov!
433
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:36,263
Look at me. Look at me.
We're the captains now.
434
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,224
This is all just
a big misunderstanding.
435
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:41,769
Uh, falso! You blew up the party
to spite your base.
436
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,812
Now we're not only losing
in the Senate;
437
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,814
we're projected
to lose the House!
438
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,274
Lose the House?!
439
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:48,692
-[together] Obvi!
-Jinxies.
440
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,736
Buy me a pair of
sustainable TOMS slippers
441
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,822
so another pair will be donated
to shoeless children in Africa.
442
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:56,492
But that means I'll lose
the Speaker of the House bidet!
443
00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,869
I can't pee in the same
bathroom as Liz Cheney.
444
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,162
She hums!
445
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,539
[rock music playing]
446
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,209
Randy. Heard about you
and the wife.
447
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:08,378
You gotta leave her, man.
She's holding you back.
448
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,089
I've decided.
449
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:13,550
Paula, you're deciding
between tequila and vodka.
450
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:16,053
Hm. Let's go with tequila
since vodka makes you play
451
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,180
with that handgun
in your purse.
452
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:19,765
Decided!
453
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,601
A dirty Narsty Lite
with six shots of absinthe.
454
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,186
You got it, Brett Kavanaugh.
455
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,355
A decision...I've made!
456
00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:27,564
[gurgling]
457
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,109
You know, for
a Supreme Court justice,
458
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:34,113
your taste in drinks is kinda
"small-claims court."
459
00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:35,656
-[patrons laughing]
-Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
460
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:37,825
Okay, okay. I can take it.
461
00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,993
It's not like I publicly cry
all the time.
462
00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:43,205
I mean, you really
do have bad taste.
463
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:46,041
No wonder you're always
on the same side
464
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,710
as that pube freak
Clarence Thomas.
465
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,754
-[patrons laughing]
-Um, hello!
466
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,298
He's the only other guy
whose confirmation was tainted
467
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:56,468
by credible claims of sexual
misconduct! We clicked!
468
00:18:56,510 --> 00:19:00,013
You are the Narsty Lite
of appointed judges --
469
00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:03,684
regrettable in the moment
and even worse the next day.
470
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,644
-[patrons laughing]
-You can come for me,
471
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,272
but don't you dare insult
my Narsty Lite!
472
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,440
You've crossed the line,
Collins!
473
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:13,485
[sobbing]
474
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,654
[Pelosi] What'll happen
to democracy
475
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,574
and my "hashtag boss babe"
status if the Democrats
476
00:19:18,615 --> 00:19:19,908
lose the House?!
Chuck?!
477
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,785
Are you even listening?!
-I hear you.
478
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,579
Well, aren't you
gonna say anything?
479
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:24,997
I'm not worried about it.
480
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:26,832
You're not worried
because you have a plan
481
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,792
or you're not worried
because things will be fine?
482
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,003
As long as I'm the last
Democratic senator standing,
483
00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:33,005
I'll always have an exclusive
pot to piss in
484
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:34,882
and oil money to shill.
I'm golden.
485
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:36,675
Have you no shame, sir?
486
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,594
I was fine with doing nothing
when the police
487
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:40,929
were body slamming
90-year-olds.
488
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,599
I was okay with inaction
when millions of Americans
489
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,893
lost their jobs because
of a global pandemic
490
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:49,146
that we knew was coming and in
many instances made money from.
491
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,106
I was even okay
when the Arctic started
492
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,817
looking like
a melted raspberry slushie.
493
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,445
But I will not lose
the Speaker of the House
494
00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:58,071
bathroom privileges!
495
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,157
Don't worry, Nance. This will
all be worth it in the end.
496
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,950
No power, no problem.
497
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:05,495
For the first time in our
decades-old political alliance,
498
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:08,207
I regret co-conspiring
with you.
499
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:13,045
[country music plays]
500
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:14,630
[glass shatters]
501
00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:17,174
Hey, who spilled
my dirty Narsty Lite?!
502
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,468
[man] Uh, you did.
We just saw you.
503
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,178
-Shut up!
-[bottle shatters]
504
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,055
[shouting, punches landing]
505
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:24,973
Stop it! Stop it!
506
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,851
This is not what
The Bar Restaurant
507
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,687
Restaurant Bar
Restaurant is about!
508
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:34,233
Get out, Brett Kavanaugh.
I'm cuttin' you off.
509
00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:37,402
[gasps] How dare you call me out
on my destructive behavior!
510
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:39,863
I thought you were
my friend!
511
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,574
[sobbing]
512
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,952
[door closes]
513
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:51,416
Nobody holds Brett Kavanaugh
accountable!
514
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:54,628
Brett! Don't do it!
How could you?
515
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,922
How could me?
How could you?!
516
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,091
You made fun of me in front
of all those people
517
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,385
like I'm some kind
of drunk clown.
518
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:02,928
Well, I mean, c'mon...
519
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,388
You're the clown!
520
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,933
The sad little clown
named...Susan Collins.
521
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,102
Fuck! I can't think
of anything!
522
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:12,104
Fair is fair!
You call me a mean name,
523
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,772
I burn your life
to the ground!
524
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:16,149
That's the Brett Kavanaugh
Experience!
525
00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:17,693
-[flames rush]
-[Collins gasps]
526
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:21,947
Oh, you are the worst choice
I ever made in my life!
527
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:23,824
And to think,
I could have started
528
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,326
The Bar Restaurant
Restaurant Bar
529
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,620
with Merrick Garland!
530
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,956
You made your decision.
Live with it.
531
00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:32,457
Buuuughhh!
532
00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:34,501
[sobbing and vomiting]
533
00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:45,095
I'm here to lightly condemn
the GOP's newest anti-LGBT bill
534
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,264
mandating a new season
of Will & Grace
535
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:49,975
where every episode ends
with Will marrying Grace.
536
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:52,644
-[funky music playing]
-It is very...not nice.
537
00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:53,979
And I denounce --
538
00:21:54,021 --> 00:21:55,856
I'm sorry,
but it's just not the same
539
00:21:55,897 --> 00:21:57,482
without anyone
to jinxies with.
540
00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:59,151
[reporter] Sorry.
Excuse me. Jinxies?
541
00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:00,485
Is that on the record?
542
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:02,154
[funky music playing]
543
00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,656
-Isn't this awesome?
-I guess. Heh.
544
00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,491
I don't know.
Not really.
545
00:22:06,533 --> 00:22:10,996
Then why did the DSA just
repost us on their Finstagram?
546
00:22:11,038 --> 00:22:13,665
I don't even know
what those words mean.
547
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:17,502
[Collins]
Thanks for nothin'.
548
00:22:17,544 --> 00:22:20,797
I'm just going to retire
from the Senate in dignity.
549
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:22,299
I've decided.
550
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:24,259
[incoherent mumbling]
551
00:22:24,301 --> 00:22:26,636
Why's that?
552
00:22:31,391 --> 00:22:33,143
Oh. You're right.
553
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,355
Another terrible decision
in a long line
554
00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:38,690
of terrible decisions
from me.
555
00:22:41,401 --> 00:22:43,236
[crying] You're right.
556
00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:51,578
I don't, either.
What's done is done.
557
00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:01,880
-What's that?
-[grumbles]
558
00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:04,633
-Puuugggh!
-[vomit splashing]
559
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:07,094
[Obama]
Thank you both for coming.
560
00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:08,553
I'm surprised
you're not too busy
561
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:10,347
flossing with
your new comrades.
562
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:13,350
I'm surprised you're not taking
a dump on the House floor.
563
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:17,229
Enough. I brought you together
to work out your differences.
564
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:20,273
I am sick of constantly
cleaning up your messes.
565
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:22,192
I'm retired.
I got a Netflix deal.
566
00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:25,278
I've secretly been to space.
Now's the time for party unity.
567
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,073
Enough speeches. Chuck, do you
have anything to say to me?
568
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:29,741
You were being
a selfish prick!
569
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,159
We're always
selfish pricks.
570
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,828
I don't understand why
it's suddenly a problem.
571
00:23:32,869 --> 00:23:35,163
Because it affected me!
572
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:37,666
It's okay for you not to care
about anyone or anything,
573
00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:41,670
but don't direct that
narcissistic apathy towards me.
574
00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:43,004
We're a team.
575
00:23:43,046 --> 00:23:45,090
And while there is
no "I" in team,
576
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:46,842
there is an "M" and "E,"
577
00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:49,678
as in "don't fuck with ME
ever again"!
578
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:51,847
Nancy, I'm sorry.
I should have never put
579
00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:53,682
your Speaker of the House
bathroom at risk.
580
00:23:53,723 --> 00:23:56,184
-I forgive you.
-I'm so glad we're making up.
581
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,103
Life wasn't the same
without you.
582
00:23:58,145 --> 00:23:59,771
I had no one
to do jinxies with.
583
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:03,400
Same. I got carpal tunnel
filming AOC's TikToks.
584
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,068
But how do we move forward?
585
00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:07,487
I still don't want to be
in charge of anything.
586
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,281
Me neither.
But we need to win,
587
00:24:09,322 --> 00:24:11,324
for the sake of our
political alliance.
588
00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:14,244
Oh, don't be scared of winning.
Nothing will change regardless.
589
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,329
You're Democrats.
You're gonna water down
590
00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:17,956
all your proposals anyway.
591
00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:19,624
-[both] Yes, we can.
-[Obama] Yes, we can.
592
00:24:19,666 --> 00:24:20,959
can a brother
get a jinxies?
593
00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:23,086
This is going to be
the hardest
594
00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:24,963
we've ever fought
for the American people.
595
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:28,758
Nurses, schmurses!
We're the real heroes!
596
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,635
[telephone rings,
woman screaming]
597
00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:32,804
Yes, constituent.
I hear your concerns.
598
00:24:32,846 --> 00:24:34,389
-We're listening.
-[woman screaming]
599
00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:36,558
Do you kiss your mother
with that mouth?
600
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,811
inspirational
rock music plays
601
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:46,651
[Schumer and Pelosi]
President Trump is a racist...
602
00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:49,112
authoritarian...The Hague!
603
00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:50,739
[crowd cheering]
604
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:54,159
[reporter] Will you or
will you not be voting
605
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,119
for President Trump's
re-election?
606
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:59,998
Yes, I am here to
speak to you all today.
607
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:04,336
But, no, I did not come here
all on my own.
608
00:25:04,377 --> 00:25:09,341
Yes, I did, in fact, get help
from Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
609
00:25:09,382 --> 00:25:12,511
No, he is not here right now.
610
00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:16,056
Yes, he is
currently unconscious.
611
00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:20,477
No, he refuses to get off
of my bathroom floor.
612
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,395
Let's do this
one more time.
613
00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:23,980
Will you or will you not
614
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:26,525
be voting for President
Trump's re-election?
615
00:25:26,566 --> 00:25:29,861
Yes...to be...
or not to be.
616
00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:33,198
That is the question
that Hamlet raised
617
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,200
in the movie, uh, Hamlet...
618
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:38,537
Come on! Some of us have
second jobs selling plasma!
619
00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:41,998
Okay, okay.
I have made a decision.
620
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,544
And, no, I will not
be sharing it with you
621
00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:48,380
until after the winner
is announced.
622
00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:51,341
-[reporters groan]
-I've decided.
623
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,718
[man] At least she didn't
jump out the window this time.
624
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,638
To Squee!
625
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,140
[Schumer] We're supposed to get
the e-mail with the Senate race
626
00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:00,892
poll data any minute now.
-[ding]
627
00:26:00,934 --> 00:26:03,853
Look, Chuck! There it is!
How do we read what's inside?
628
00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:05,981
-Open the attachment.
-I don't know how!
629
00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:07,816
Usually Pete Buttigieg
does that for me.
630
00:26:07,857 --> 00:26:09,317
-Then call him.
-God, no.
631
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:11,027
I'm not talking to
Politico's Doogie Howser.
632
00:26:11,069 --> 00:26:12,696
Just double-click it!
633
00:26:12,737 --> 00:26:14,239
-I am clicking it.
-No, double click it.
634
00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:15,907
Do you hear that
"click, click, click"?
635
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:17,284
I'm clicking it, Nancy!
636
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:18,535
[ding]
637
00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,036
Well, we're in
a dead-heat race
638
00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,247
with the party responsible
for an economic recession,
639
00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:24,791
the rise of fascism,
and a pandemic outbreak.
640
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,794
[together] So, yes,
we're winning. Jinxies!
641
00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,379
I'm Anderson Cooper, and my eyes
642
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,423
are what the inside
of a glacier looks like.
643
00:26:31,464 --> 00:26:33,633
In congressional news, Senator
Schumer and Speaker Pelosi
644
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,594
have pledged to use
a Democrat-controlled Senate
645
00:26:35,635 --> 00:26:37,262
to do absolutely nothing.
646
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,222
And sources confirm
that Senator Collins
647
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:41,600
hasn't crashed through a
Capitol Building window in days.
648
00:26:41,641 --> 00:26:43,977
I'm sure this is exactly
how the Founding Fathers
649
00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:46,354
intended the two-party system
to function.
650
00:26:46,396 --> 00:26:49,691
Great job, Susie! You decided
to not not take a stand.
651
00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:52,027
And hopefully
I won't have to.
652
00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:55,614
With any luck, the Supreme Court
will decide the election.
653
00:26:55,655 --> 00:27:00,452
Democracy lies in your
trembling, vomit-covered hands.
654
00:27:00,493 --> 00:27:02,245
[both laughing]
655
00:27:02,287 --> 00:27:03,788
Ah. That is the case!
656
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:05,624
[laughing]
657
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:08,043
Hey, can I pick the next
Supreme Court justice?
658
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,086
I got a Delta Kappa buddy
659
00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:13,798
in a real bad spot,
child support-wise!
660
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,383
['80s-style pop music plays]
661
00:27:15,425 --> 00:27:18,303
Donald Trump
is the president
662
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:21,890
Donald Trump
is the president
663
00:27:21,931 --> 00:27:24,351
Is Donald Trump
the president?
664
00:27:24,392 --> 00:27:26,144
Yes, he is
665
00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:28,938
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
666
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:31,524
Is Donald Trump
the president?
667
00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:33,360
Yes, he is
668
00:27:33,401 --> 00:27:35,987
We had a vote
and elected him president
669
00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:41,117
Donald Trump
is the president
670
00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:44,871
Donald Trump
671
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:48,416
He is our president
672
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:51,753
We made him president
673
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,089
We did it
674
00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:58,009
Donald Trump
is the president
675
00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:01,137
We elected Donald Trump
676
00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:04,683
Donald Trump
is the president
677
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:08,311
Donald Trump
is the president
678
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:11,856
Yeah
679
00:28:11,898 --> 00:28:13,858
Trump!
52699
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