All language subtitles for Jessie.S02E27_0

BERTRAM: No, no, no!

You just have to watch
the kids for
one measly weekend.

Please?

No! Walking away.
Don't follow.

You're following.

Bertram, it's a big deal
that my dad invited me home.

He was really mad
when I left for New York

instead of joining
the military.

But just think
how glad the military was.

Please. This is my chance
to clear the air with him,

and prove that
I made the right decision.

By being a failed actress
and a mediocre nanny?

(CHUCKLING)

Okay, I may not have joined
the military,

but I can still snap
your windpipe with one finger.

Better that than
taking care
of those monsters.

Please!
They're such good kids.

What could possibly
go wrong?

Three!
Two!

One!
Blast off!

(EXPLODING)

That.

I can't believe
we blew up
the water tower.

Awesome!

Ravi, you said it would
only go up 15 feet!

Oops. It turns out
rocket science

is as difficult as...
Well, rocket science.

On the plus side,
now we have a skylight.

Jessie, we are very sorry.

Please do not
send us to our rooms,

especially since
the structural integrity

of the roof
has been compromised.

Oh, you're not going
to your rooms.

You're going to spend
this weekend
on a military base.

In Texas!

(SHRIEKING) No!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party
every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling
me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing
Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy
Yeah, they're shaking
the ground

♪ But they took a chance
on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them
down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party
every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, Jessie ♪

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

March.
SOLDIERS: Hut.

(COMMANDING OFFICER
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
SOLDIERS: Hut.

It's so hot,
I think my freckles
are melting off.

It's like the surface
of the sun,

but with humidity!

For Texas in August,
this is a cold snap.

For great barbecue,
it's worth it.
(CHUCKLING)

I'm gonna find
the nearest all
you-can-eat rib shack,

and by the time
I'm done,

they'll have enough
bones to build a dinosaur!

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMING)

Jessie, were you not popular
here on the base?

The men seem
to be fleeing from you.

Just like the men in New York.

They're fleeing
from the dang lizard!

(MRS. KIPLING GROWLING)

Well, here's our barracks.

Barracks?

I hope that's military
for "ugly building
near our hotel."

Well, if you don't like it,
you can sleep outside.

Although the state
bird of Texas is the vulture,

so I wouldn't lie too still.

Why couldn't
you be from Hawaii?

Well, you scared
her in there,

but now
you'll never get her out.

We're on a military base.
I have access to tear gas.

After that three-bean
burrito on the plane,

so do I.

Ooh, I love bunk beds.
I call top!

It'll take him all weekend
just to get up there.

(GRUNTS) I got it.

I got it. I don't got it.

See.

I can't wait for you guys
to meet my dad,

but please, please behave.

I need him to see
that my moving
to New York

was not, "The worst mistake
since we gave back
the Panama Canal!"

We promise.

But if you want
to convince your father
you're doing well,

maybe you shouldn't
mention your acting career.

Unless he's impressed
with a callback

for a foot fungus commercial.
(LAUGHS)

I should have gotten that!

Lousy hammer toes.

(EMMA SCREAMING)

BOTH: Ow!

What is it?
A tarantula? Rattler?

One of those giant
hairy beetles
with the freaky eyes?

Worse! The bathroom
has no shelf space

for my make-up,
no towel warmer,

and eight toilets
with no dividers!

Emma, not everyone
in the world has
a private bath.

That's a world
I don't want to live in.

I can't believe you
survived growing up here.

Survived?
I loved it.

My mom used to
drive me to school
in a tank.

She never had to wait
in the drop-off line.

You know,
you don't talk about
your mom much.

What was she like?
Oh, she was the best.

She was sweet, and loving,

and we always
did fun girl
stuff together.

I remember when
she bought me
my first make-up kit.

I remember when my mom
bought me my first make-up
company.

When my mom
was done putting it on me,
she said I looked beautiful.

(LAUGHS) But then my dad
got worried about boys,

and made me wear camouflage.

I looked like a bush
with cheekbones.

Stand straight,
you miserable maggots!

Oh, did I spit on you, son?

Tough toenails!

Okay, men, fan out.
See if you
can take me down.

(GRUNTING)

Dad!
Jessie!

I've really missed you.

I've missed you too, pumpkin.

Oh, you look great.

So sophisticated.

Thank you. In New York,

I buy clothes
at a store that doesn't
also sell grenades.

I'm sorry, I couldn't
pick you up at the airport.

(GRUNTING)

(YELLS)

Work's just really
been piling up.

So how'd you know I was here?

Oh, I just followed
the line of soldiers
heading to the infirmary.

Well, welcome home.

Sure took you long enough
to come back to visit.

Well, this is the first time
you've asked me back.

I thought you were
still mad that I left.

Mad? Why should I be mad?

Just because you
snuck off to New York

while I was getting
my tank detailed?

I didn't sneak.
That's sneaking.

(GRUNTS)

See how much fun this is?

The Army rocks!

I still don't understand
why you don't wanna follow
in my footsteps.

Your footsteps
lead to a minefield.

I wanted to make
my own choice.

I gave you plenty of choices!

Army, Navy,
Air Force, Marines.

Yeah, don't forget
the Coast Guard.

Exactly! There, see? Choices!

Dad, for the last time,
I'm artistic and creative.

I'm not cut out
to be a soldier.

(GRUNTING)

Bet that comes in handy
on the subway.

You know,
the way you flipped
that private

reminds me
of my first date with
your mom at the drive-in.

Aw, is it because
you were head over
heels for her?

Nah, I lean in for a kiss,
and she tossed me

into the pick-up
truck behind us.

Woke up, I was AWOL
in Oklahoma.

Mom was feisty.

That's why I always
did the dishes.

Hey, guys, look what I found?

(GASPS)
Whoa. Check out
this ATV.

I have got to drive it.

I am sure
that is not allowed.
Tell him, Emma.

Let's drive it
to a five-star resort.
(LAUGHS) Yes.

Not the prudent,
mature response
I was looking for.

Besides, we would
never get permission.

What's the point
of getting permission?

We ask. They say no.
We do it anyway.

Might as well
cut out the middleman.

So, Dad, I'm really
looking forward to

spending some
time with you this
weekend.

Me too. Oh, and great news.

Your old friend,
Darla, is here.

Friend?
She threw me down a well!

Darla Shannon is evil.

When the devil
makes a bad decision,

it's because he has
Darla on his shoulder!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Jessie, you remember
Colonel Shannon,
my commanding officer.

And Darla's mom.

Sure.

You know,
when I said Darla was evil,

I meant it as a compliment.

Evil as in "e-ville."

That's what the kids
are saying.

And I'm a kid.
I mean sort of.

I mean, compared to you.
Not that you're old.

Does she have an off switch?

Nope. I just used
to crank up the TV.

So, Jessie,
last time I saw you,

you were doing
the backstroke in a well.

Yeah, because your daughter
pushed me...
(CLEARS THROAT)

To become such
a good swimmer.

Oh, yeah. She's a giver.
You know,
she's a flight attendant now.

And every time she comes home,

she brings me
little sacks of nuts.

She's quite a gal.
Yes, she is.

Please, she's a squirrel
with a beverage cart.

LUKE: Yay!
(KIDS SCREAMING)

Sweet Stonewall Jackson!

(SCREAMING) No!

Get this soldier off of me!

Hey, it could've been worse.
He could've been
on a horse.

Ugh.

That statue has stood
there for 70 years.

Then he's probably
happy to take a load off.

So, when I say,
"Stay in the barracks
and unpack,"

you hear,
"Go for a joyride and
mow down a monument"?

You have to admit,
what we hear is a lot more
fun than what you say.

Why are you driving
my Battle Attack Transport?

Jessie, are these your kids?

Nope.

Ugh, okay.

Emma, Luke,
Ravi, Zuri,
this is my dad,

Lieutenant Colonel Prescott.

And Colonel Shannon,
the post commander.

Oh, can either of you
get me a room
with a private bath?

Or at least a toilet
with a seat?

I'm a colonel,
not a concierge.

I do not deal
with potty problems!

Then can we talk
about the thread count?

Because single digits
is totes unacceptable.

(BARKING)
(HISSING)

(WHIMPERING)
No!

You keep that overgrown
iguana away from my Patton!

She is not an iguana!

And it is not my fault
that your pet looks like
a big, fat, wrinkly rat!

Believe it or not,
he's the polite one.

So, yesterday you broke
the penthouse.

Today, you broke a statue.

What are you planning
on breaking tomorrow?

Not sure. We kind
of like to play it by ear.

Sorry Jessie,
but that B.A.T. was so cool.

It was calling to me.

Well, next time pretend
it's me and ignore it.

What'd you say?

Well, I just got
the short end
of the short rib.

That all-you-can-eat
barbecue place
is closed down.

They probably
heard you were coming.

(BOTH SPEAKING
GIBBERISH MOCKINGLY)

Ugh! Is this food or spackle?

Is that your head
or is your neck
blowing a bubble?

Hey, watch it, mister!

I'm a woman!

That would have been
my third guess.

Ugh. There's nothing
here that looks good.

Except him!

Excuse me,
is this seat taken?

Yeah, I'm saving it for the
prettiest girl in the room.

Oh, okay.

Wait.

I meant you.

I'm Caleb.

And I'm... Uh...
Emma.

Right, Emma.

But you can call me Mrs.
Whatever-Your-Last-Name-Is.

Ugh. What is this?

It's juice, from that fruit
that grows out on
the nuclear test site.

When you pick it,
it screams.

(SPITS)

Hey, want to sneak back
to the kitchen and I'll make
us some grilled cheese?

That's my fave!

Especially with...
BOTH: Tomato.

It's like you can
see into my soul.

Yeah, that's a side effect
of the nuclear juice.

Ew.

These mashed potatoes
are runnier than my nose.

Zuri, you have
to eat something.
No!

No, Zuri, you have to drink
these mashed potatoes.

No!

(LAUGHS)

Jessie?

Jessie Prescott?
Is that you?

Aha! I see you're
still having trouble
with your table manners.

Hey, Darla.

Nice to see you, too.

That's Darla?

She doesn't look
like a witch.

Oh, yeah?

Throw some water on
her and we can send
her home in a bucket.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I see you're
still baby-sitting.
Mmm.

What happened
to that big acting
career you were gonna have?

Oh, it's going well.

It just takes time.

Talent might help, too.

Meanwhile,
I've been traveling
all over the world

as a flight attendant.

Really? Because I heard
you're on the Galveston
to Amarillo run.

I'm just glad
I don't have a job

where I have to run
around waiting on people.

Jessie, I need milk!
Jessie, take my tray!

Jessie, my nose
is still running!

Well, at least they
are calling you,

unlike all the boys
in high school.

Hey, that's my lady
you're talking to.

You finally did
catch a man.

But this one is so small,
you might want
to throw him back.

(SNORING)

Aw.

(PLAYING FANFARE)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SPITTING)

Do you have
a snooze button?

'Cause I'd slap it silly!

It's 5:00 a.m.

There better be presents
under a tree,

or things are
going to get ugly!

Uglier.

Welcome to my world.

On an Army base,
we do morning calisthenics.

Because,
when in Rome...

When in Rome,
I go shopping,
not exercising!

The only thing
that sweats
is my credit card.

Listen, I want to show
my dad that even though
I didn't join the Army,

I'm still a good leader.

So your plan to look
good in front of your father

is for me to show
off my athletic prowess?

Last week he dislocated
his shoulder
lifting a glass of milk.

(CRACKING)

Good point.
Ravi, stay in the back.

Ew, ew, ew.

The grass is all wet!

(COUGHS)

And worse, I think
this is where Patton
"dropped off the troops."

Guys, it's not that hard!

I think I just
swallowed a slug.

(LUKE SNORING)
Jessie, is your squad asleep?

No! No. No.
They're just, uh,
taking cover.

You know,
in case of enemy attack.

Good work, soldiers!

(GRUMBLING)

I heard you were bickering
with Darla yesterday.

Can't you try to get along
with my commanding
officer's daughter?

Darla threw me down a well!

What do
you want me to do,
kiss her?

Just try to get
along with Darla, please?

You owe me.

Especially after your kids
destroyed that
expensive statue.

Can't they just
write you a check?
They're loaded.

Yeah, they are
loaded and weak.

They are not weak.

Jessie, I believe I aggravated
my old milk-lifting injury.

What part of "stay in the
back" do you not understand?

♪ Gorgonzola, mozzarella
Cheese makes me
a happy fella ♪

Ah!

What are you doing
in my kitchen?

Making food that actually
has some flavor.

Not everything
should taste like brown.

Hey, that was hurtful.

But not as
hurtful as this.

Ow! You just purpled
my nurple!

Serves you right
for criticizing my cuisine.

I'd like to see you
do better.

Challenge accepted.

Pass me a colander.

(CLATTERING)

Here.
Ugh! Urgh!

This explains
why your pasta had dandruff.

Oh, actually,
that was me.

What am I supposed to do,
wear a hairnet?

Yes!

♪ I don't know
but I've been told...

KIDS: ♪ Exercise
is getting old! ♪

Good rhyme,
bad attitude.

I thought you
were gonna stop.

I thought you were gonna stop.

Aw, we both thought
the same thing!

And now we have
matching forehead bumps!

Emma, what are you doing
with Darla's brother?

Watching his eyes sparkle
in the sunlight.

See, it's happening
right now.

And now! And now!

Caleb!
(PATTON WHIMPERS)

Stay away from them!
You don't want to be seen
with these weaklings.

Who you calling weak?

You should see
this one tear through
the mall on Black Friday.

I sharpen my nails
with diamonds
the night before.

I love a girl who fights
for what she wants.

I'd shop for you
in the hunks department.

DARLA AND JESSIE:
Knock it off!

CALEB AND EMMA:
Why?

Because the Prescotts
and the Shannons
are sworn enemies.

But I'm not a Prescott
or a Shannon!

Oh, there's a babysitting
clause in the feud.
It's complicated.

But trust me,
you're covered.

But I really like Caleb.

Well, tough.
You can't go against
the feud.

Ha! Which has gone
back for years and years,

all the way
to the 20th century.

I don't even know
why our families are fighting.

It all started when our
Grandpappy Shannon

loaned Old Man Prescott
a corn picker,

and he returned it broken.

It was already broken!

Your grandpappy lied to try
to get a new corn picker.
(SCOFFS)

That's why they called
him Shifty Shannon.

But that's
all ancient history.

No one even remembers
the 20th century!

Well, I do remember
when Jessie borrowed
and broke

my Queasy Bake Oven.

It was already broken!
Typical Prescott.

Well, Caleb and I
don't care about

your shifty grandpappys
and their queasy
corn pickers!

Then you're no Prescott!

Correct! Despite whatever
paperwork you have
to the contrary!

(GROWLS)

(WHIMPERING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIPPING)
(RECORD SCRATCHING)

See? Even Mrs. Kipling's
tiny lizard brain
understands the feud!

Sorry.

Caleb, stay away
from Emma, okay?

Like all us cool kids
stayed away from
Jessie in high school.

(SMIRKS) Come on.

Like I wanted to
hang out with you anyway,

in the jerk lounge.
'Cause you're a jerk.

Jessie!

I can't believe you said that!

I know. I should have
gone with "loser lounge."

I mean, I can't believe you
just insulted her.

I can't believe
you and Darla
are ruining my life.

Okay, she didn't
break it down,
but it's like 95% Darla.

I specifically told you
to get along with Darla.

And once again,
you can't follow
a simple order.

You're my dad,
not my drill sergeant.

You can't order me around
anymore.

I'm an adult.
Oh, really?

Because you're sure
acting like a child.

Nuh-uh! She started it!

I rest my case.

You know, I was really
hoping we wouldn't argue
this weekend,

but instead,
we're right back
where we left off.

This visit's turning
out to be pretty
disappointing.

I never saw anyone
coming back for seconds
of your gruel.

Ugh! I don't get it.

What does your food
have that mine doesn't?

Hmm... Flavor, texture,
fewer fingernails.

I need three gallons
of Neapolitan and
a weapons-grade spoon.

Sorry, tonight's dessert
is mini fruit compotes.

That'll do.

You're not gonna
believe what's going on.

I'm not gonna care either.
I'm busy.

I came back here to smooth
things over with my dad,

but all he seems
to care about is if
I connect with Darla.

When all I wanna do
is connect her face
to a hornets' nest.

No!
I'm not actually gonna do it.

It wouldn't be fair
to the hornets.

I meant no,
don't drown
my chicken in sauce!

Drizzle it!
Oh, you mean like this?

Hey, you spilled
that on my fake
designer shoes!

You owe me
20 bucks.
Plus shipping!

Does this one ever stop
yakking about her problems?

No. Just wait
till she starts in about
her ex-boyfriends.

(SARCASTICALLY)
She's single?
I'm shocked.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thanks for the sympathy.

Hey, take it easy.
I only made 3,000 of those.

Hey!
(GASPS)

(GROANS)
Caleb, I am so sorry.

Did I hurt you?
Oh, no, I'm fine.

The thorns broke my fall.

Aw, they're beautiful.

I love stems.

Did Jessie teach you
that move for self-defense?

No, to get to the front row
of a One Direction concert.

Yeah, sorry I'm late.

I had to sneak past Darla.

We don't have long,
because every hour
she finds me

and serves me a beverage.

And offers me a tiny,
useless pillow.

It's not fair
that we have to
sneak around

because
of their stupid feud.

I know. It's like
we're the original
star-crossed lovers.

Bella and Edward?

No, Romeo and Juliet.

"'Tis but my name
that is my enemy

"That which we call a Ross

"by any other name,
would smell as sweet."

Roses are red
Violets are blue

You talk pretty
Me likey you, too.

(MRS. KIPLING GROWLING)

(PATTON WHINING)

Looks like he's finally
winning her over.

Girls love uniforms.

I haven't been this bored

since Ravi
told us about
his summer at math camp.

We got to play
Capture the Fraction!

Look, the B.A.T.

Well, clearly,
faith has brought this to us.

No, no.
It was that soldier.

Guys, Jessie has specifically
told us not to drive
the B.A.T.

I don't remember that.

She wrote it on your arm!

Oh, yeah.
But I'm sure she
didn't really mean it.

(SCOFFS) Doesn't count,
she knows I don't read.

Plus, you could've
taken a bath.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Let the record state,

I'm reluctantly
succumbing to vicious
peer pressure.

We don't care
if you come or not.

Quit twisting my arm!

Wow! This thing
even has a microwave oven.

Where?

Right here,
next to the toaster!

That is our tax dollars
hard at work.

Zuri, help me find popcorn.
Ravi, keep a lookout.

I strongly suggest
we refrain from
touching anything.

LUKE: That goop
is sticking her
to the wall!

(SPITS)

Did you not hear
the word "refrain"?

I heard it,
I just don't know
what it means.

JESSIE: Darla?

I told you guys
not to go near
that thing.

No, you said not to drive it.

Exhibit A!

PRESCOTT: Jessie!

Oh, my stars and stripes!

Dar-Dar, is that you?

Yes, Mommy!
Look what they did to me!

Oh, dear.

You look like one
of those hideous aliens
from Area 51. (GASPS)

Which completely
does not exist.

And if any of you
dare to mention
this conversation,

there will be a probing
in your future.

Dad, I know
what you're thinking.

But anytime there's trouble,
Darla is the
one who starts it.

So did she start this?

Okay, maybe this time
is a bad example.

I asked you to try
to get along with Darla,

but instead, you attack her
with experimental weaponry?

Why do you care
so much if I get along
with Darla?

After this trip,
I'll never have
to see her again!

Oh, yes you will,
because you and Darla
are going to be sisters.

What?

SHANNON:
That's right, girls.

My armored heart
has been captured
by this uniformed yum-yum.

Ew! Ew!

So we wanted
you girls to become friends
before we told you,

but now
we're out of time.

Our wedding is tomorrow.

Tomorrow?
As in, the day after today?

Yes, if I can wait that long.

The only man
I've had in my life

in the last 10 years
is Uncle Sam.

And now, I want you!

Wait, wait, wait.
So that's why you
invited me to come home?

Yes, and I invited you,

not these little threats
to national security.

Now get out of my B.A.T.
I had the seat
just where I liked it.

We are extremely sorry, sir.

Even though I did not do
anything, and it was
all Luke's fault.

Okay, that one is on me.

By the way, for the wedding,
could you put me down
for a vegetarian meal?

I can't believe my dad
is getting remarried
to Darla's mom.

Darla is a total...
(MIXER WHIRRING)

(INAUDIBLE)
(MIXER TURNS OFF)

And my dad knows how I feel,
but clearly
he doesn't give a...

(MIXER WHIRRING)

Bertram, I feel like you
don't care
about my problems.

What makes you say that?

There's nothing
in that blender.

Listen! The rehearsal
brunch is today.

They're getting
married tonight,

and my whole world
is falling apart!

Ooh, so,
there's gonna be a brunch?

You're missing the point.
There's going
to be a wedding!

Ooh, so there's
gonna be cake!

Well, I better bake it
instead of Corporal Cookie,

or even the little bride
and groom on top
of the cake will hurl.

(LAUGHING)

Hey!
(BOTH EXCLAIM IN SHOCK)

And no one is baking
the wedding cake
of my officers except me.

Well, get ready
for a dishonorable
discharge.

Which everybody's
gonna have,
if you make it.

(LAUGHS)

You know what?
You make your cake,

I'll make mine,
and we'll see who gets
the last laugh.

Besides your barber.

Have I mentioned
Darla and I have to wear
matching bridesmaid dresses?

We'll look like
a couple of...
(MIXER WHIRRING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Emma, to celebrate
the end of the feud,

I drew a picture
of us together.

See, the Pegasus represents
our love,

which has lifted us
above all the obstacles
in our path.

Aw, that is so deep.

Who are these two people?
That's you and me.

Oh, thank goodness.
I was afraid it was you
and Blake Lively.

So then the trapezoid
said to the triangle,

"Quit being obtuse!"
(LAUGHING)

You're the reason
the Math Club meets
in the boiler room.

Hey, let's go find that B.A.T.

No! Jessie forbade it,

and I will not leave
this place no matter what.

(FEEDBACK CRACKLING)
Okay, everybody,
time for speeches.

Wait for me!

I just want to thank you
all for coming
to our rehearsal brunch.

Even though you had
no choice, because it was
an order. (LAUGHING)

I just want to say
that I cannot wait

wait for this officer
to stop acting like
a gentleman.

Okay, J.W., it's your turn.

Oh, no. No, thanks.

Did it sound
like I was asking,
soldier?

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

I'm not much for speeches.

If you talk in a foxhole,

the enemy's likely
to find you
and take you out!

Next, my future daughter,
Darla.

Hmm, okay. Um...

I am so glad my mom
is marrying J.W.

I've always admired
his daughter, Jessie.

Wait for it.

Not everyone could fail
so miserably at acting,

and still have
the courage to keep trying,

Even though
she gets rejected over
and over and over.

And there it is.

Kind of like the way she was
rejected by all of
the boys in high school.

She was so unpopular,

even the vending
machines rejected
her quarters.

Okay, all right.
Thank you, Darla.

That was fascinating.

Just like your
stories about collecting
barf bags at 30,000 feet.

And your "how
to-put-on-a-seatbelt"
speech

is always a big hit
at parties.

And I know that
whenever I need advice,

Jessie will always be there,

because, Lord knows,
she's never out on a date.

Let's hear
it for Darla Shannon.

If her name sounds familiar,
it's probably because

you wrote a complaint
letter to an airline
about her.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

This is awesome!

This is fun!

This is going
to be the day I die!

And I was so looking
forward to puberty!

You should've seen
Darla's face in high school.

The moon had less craters.

Then again,
the moon didn't eat

four personal pan
pizzas for lunch every day.

Okay, at least
I didn't have to eat
with the cafeteria lady.

Olga was a sparkling
conversationalist.

At least, I assume so
I don't speak Russian.

Congratulations, Luke.
You have driven us
to the mess hall,

the one place
we are sure to get caught.

That's where
the rush comes in.

I'll just go in reverse.
It must be this "R" button.

(GUESTS SCREAM)

Incoming!

(WHISPERS)
You think anybody noticed?

Luke, did it ever occur
to you that

"R" might stand
for "rocket"?

I told you kids
never to set foot
in that thing again.

We can explain!

Ravi made us do it!

Okay, I can fix this.

All I need is a hammer,
a screwdriver,
and a time machine.

Dad, I can explain.
It was an accident.

You think maybe

if you had been
watching these kids

instead of trading
insults with Darla,

this accident would
never have happened?

Okay, I got carried away.

That was a mistake.

But so is ambushing
your daughter with
a surprise wedding!

PRESCOTT:
I was afraid if I told you

I was marrying
Darla's mom over
the phone, you'd freak out!

What do you think
I'm doing now?

I came back here
to try and make things
right between us.

But instead I'm stuck
with a new family,

and you didn't
even ask me!

Why should I ask you?

You didn't ask
me when you ran off
to New York!

Because I knew you wouldn't
be supportive!

It's a lot easier
to be supportive when
somebody makes good decisions.

Leaving home
was a good decision.

Mom always told me
to follow my dreams.

She'd be proud
that I moved to New York.

Not if she saw
what a disaster
it's turned into.

Well, if that's how you feel,
then maybe I just should
just not come to your wedding.

If that's what you want.

It wouldn't be the first time
you went AWOL
from this family.

That's it.

Kids, we're going back
to New York, right now.

They're going
to tear us apart!

We have to run away!

Okay, but I'm wearing
high heels, so you might
have to carry me.

Done.

And I thought our private jet
was a fun way to travel!

Jump in. I'll drive us
to the airport.

Get out of that vehicle!

Or you know what?
Don't. I don't care.

I'm done.

What do you mean?

I mean you knew how important
this weekend was to me,

but you obviously didn't care.

You deliberately disobeyed me,

over and over,
and I'm sick of it!

We promise it will
never happen again.

You're right, it won't.

And it's not
my problem anymore,
because I quit.

I hope you two
are satisfied.

Because of your malfeasance,
we are going to
lose Jessie!

Hey, her quitting
is your fault, too!

You're the one
who's supposed to stop us

from doing
stupid stuff like that.

Yeah, you're like our smaller,
more annoying Jiminy Cricket.

Jessie, you have
every right to be angry,

but please, do not quit.

Yeah, we're really,
really, really sorry.

Sorry doesn't
cut it this time.

I promise, we've
learned our lesson.

Good, then I hope
you'll be more respectful
to your next nanny.

We do not want another nanny!

We just want you.

You're the best nanny
in the whole wide world!

And Emma would agree,

if she had not run away
with Caleb when
you were not paying attention.

What?
Why didn't you tell me?

After you quit,
there was a power vacuum.

We did not know
who to report to.

Emma's not picking up.
How am I supposed
to find them?

Well, I know where
there is a computer

that can triangulate
her cell phone signal
and pinpoint her location.

Great, where is it?

In the B.A.T.

Of course it is.

Well, then I guess
we're taking that B.A.T.

Yes! I am so proud of you
right now.

Which will probably
never happen again,
so enjoy it.

Okay, everybody buckle up.

I hope this thing is fast.

There's a button marked "F."
Maybe that means fast.
Right there.

It means "fly"!

Or "fetal position,"
which I will now assume.

And I'm gonna assume
the whoo-hoo position.

Whoo-hoo!

I want one of these
for Christmas,

but pink and with streamers!

I'm glad you guys
are both having fun.

Meanwhile,
I think I just
got a bug in my teeth.

Although my vision
is blurred from fear,

I believe the computer
has located Emma's
cell signal!

Great, where is she?

I have good news
and bad news.

What's the good news?

Emma appears
to be in a munitions bunker.

The munitions bunker
is where they keep all
of the deadly explosives!

And that was the bad news.

Way to steal my thunder.

(SIGHS)

Sorry, I couldn't find us
a more romantic place to hide.

Any place with you
is romantic.

I just won't be lighting
these candles I brought.

Oh, you look cold.

Do you want my jacket
or something?

LUKE: Sweet!
ZURI: Yeah!

RAVI: God protect us.

(THUDS)

Are we in heaven?

Am I playing washboard
for the late, great country
legend, Tammy Wynette?

Then no.

Okay, I'll run in and grab
Caleb and Emma.

You guys stay put.

And don't touch anything!

But I want a snow cone.

It has a
snow cone maker, too?

No wonder you guys
keep stealing this thing.

Jessie,
I am not going back
to New York.

Don't even bother to ask.

Oh, I'm not asking.
I'm grabbing and pulling.

You can't separate us!

We're two souls
that have become one.

Your two souls
can video chat.
We're leaving.

No! I'm staying here
with Caleb. I love him!

(ALARM BLARING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Munitions bunker in lock down.

Emma! You just locked us
in a room packed
with deadly explosives.

As opposed to safe explosives?

Sorry, I get sarcastic
when I'm nervous.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Munitions bunker in lock down!

Cool!

I know I should care
that Jessie and Emma
are trapped,

but I'm all hopped up
on snow cones!

Want some?
Want some?
Want some?

Emma, why did you do that?

You left me no choice.

No choice?
You didn't hear me mention
the video chat option?

And you shouldn't have run
away in the first place.

That never solves anything.

Says the girl who's running
away from her own
father's wedding.

(SCOFFS) That is
completely different!

Somewhat different.

Okay, it's exactly the same.

But I'm running away
from the demon seed, Darla!

No offense.
None taken.

She used to hold
me down and make me
smell her armpit.

That is a terrible thing
to do to a little kid.

It was this morning.

So you're going to let Darla
make things worse between
you and your dad?

(SIGHS)

Look, it's not just Darla.

I never thought my dad
would get married again.

But he's fallen in love.

Don't you want him
to be happy?

Well, of course I do, but...

Everything
is happening so fast.

I don't want
my family to change.

You wouldn't understand.

Actually, I do understand.

When my parents adopted Luke,
then Zuri, then Ravi,

I was upset, because
I didn't want my family
to change.

But now I love them
more than anything.

Even Luke,
who's about as
demon seed as they come.

But my dad and I have been
through a lot together.

We've always been a team.

You can still be a team,
you're just adding
a few more players.

Yeah, but I'm getting Darla
on my team.

Well, I got a 7-foot
lizard with rat breath
and a scary, forked tongue.

Okay, it's a draw.

I guess my dad deserves
to start a new chapter
in his life.

Like I did when I moved
to New York and started taking
care of you guys.

Exactly, and look
how great that turned out.

It did, didn't it?

How did you get so smart?

I've had a great teacher.

Besides, I know
a lot about love.

After all,
I've been in it
for two whole days.

Just wait until you can
finally make a guy really care
about you, too.

Okay, moment over.

But you're right.
I should get to that wedding.

Except, I can't,
because thanks to you,
I'm locked in!

Maybe Luke, Ravi and Zuri
will try to blast us
out of here with the B.A.T.

(SCOFFS) We are in
a room full of explosives

equipped with
a hair-trigger
self-destruct system

in case someone
tries to steal them.

Not even they
would be dumb
enough to fire on it.

Ready, aim, fire!

(LAUGHS)

Nimrods.

(SIREN BLARING)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Munitions bunker under attack!

Activate self-destruct
sequence!

Well, that's not good.

ALL: Help! Let us out.

I can't believe
Jessie's really not coming.

Maybe I was too hard on her.

Aw, she wouldn't miss
your wedding.

I know it.
She'll be here.

I don't know.

I haven't seen her this mad
since she broke curfew

and I took away
the keys to her tank.

Hey, Dar-Dar,
have you seen Jessie?

No. With any luck,
she fell down that well again.

Oh, hey, if she's been
in that cold water
long enough,

she could be your
something blue.

Peanuts?

We're going
to get blown to bits!

And you're too pretty
to be rubble!

I know!

Jessie, do something!

(SPEAKING HINDI)

Okay, you have been spending
way too much time with Ravi.

(LAUGHS)

See? I told you "G"
was for "grappling hook"!

Even a broken clock
is right twice a day.

Guys,

I never thought
I would say this,

but thank you
for disobeying me!

You're welcome.
And you can thank us

by becoming our nanny again.

Jessie, please,
you cannot quit.

You are part of our family.

And we love you.

I love you guys, too!

And I'm not going anywhere.

LUKE: Yes!
Except to that wedding.

Wow, Jessie quit
and I didn't even know?

I really am self-involved.

All right. Everyone in?
Buckled, buckled.

Okay. Brace yourselves.

I'm hitting "T" for "turbo."

Or toast.

I gotta say, both these cakes
would definitely
pass inspection.

Agreed.

But I think my confection
is perfection.

Oh, yeah? Well.

Your icing tastes like dirt.

That's your finger.

Oh, yeah. I really
should wash my hands
more often.

Ugh.

Look, we're both great chefs.

It doesn't really matter
who wins.

(WHIRRING)

Oh.
(LUKE LAUGHS)

But I just did!

What kind of twisted
sicko laughs at someone
else's misfortune?

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, now I get it.
This is fun.

(SHRIEKS)

This icing tastes like dirt.

Ha ha, told ya.

(LAUGHS)

Darla, I am so...
Happy that happened.

(LAUGHING)

Jessie! You came!

Dad.

I'm sorry I crashed
your wedding. Literally.

That's okay.

It was considerate
of you to crash through
the same hole in the wall.

Yeah, that was the plan.

I'm just glad you're here.

And I'm very sorry
to have sprung
all this on you.

It's okay, Dad.

You deserve to be happy.

Thank you, pumpkin.

That's the best wedding
present you could give me.

Do you, John Wayne Prescott,
take Beverly Shannon,
to love, honor and cherish?

I do.
And do you, Bev...

Affirmative!

(KISSING)

Well, I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may now...

Uh, well, just keep on
doing what you're doing.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

(GROWLS SUGGESTIVELY)

(EXPLOSION)
(GUESTS GASP)

Hey, who set off
the fireworks?

Uh-oh. Someone forgot
to shut down
the self-destruct sequence

on the munitions bunker.

Ravi...

So, Darla, now that
we are "sisters,"

should we try
and get along?

Absolutely.

Do you wanna take
a walk by the old well?

And the feud continues.

I hope you have
nine airsick babies
on your next flight!

So, we're gonna
video chat every day, right?

Right. Let's start now.

Hi!
Hi!

I miss you.
I miss you more.

You know,
once you pick off
the floor lint,

your cake tastes great.

Yours is great, too.

But I think I've found
something even sweeter.

Oh, the mini-churros?

No... You,
you big love-burger.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Well, Corporal Cookie,
I'm flattered,

But uh...
I have two weeks
leave next month.

I'm gonna come stay with you,

and take a bite
out of the Big Apple!

(GROWLS SUGGESTIVELY)
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

But just the Apple, right?

You know, Jessie,
it's very impressive

that those kids saved you
from that bunker.

Yeah. I got a pretty
good squad.

Well, a squad is only
as good as its leader.

You've obviously been
a good influence on them.

Wow, marriage
really agrees with you.

No, I mean it.
They are lucky to have you.

And...

I think you did make
the right decision
going to New York.

Really?

Thanks, Daddy.
That means a lot.

Your mother would be
so proud of you.

And she'd be happy for you.

We're never gonna
forget her, right?

How could I?

Whenever I look at you,
I see her.

All right,
all the single ladies,
fall in.

Come on.

(EXCITED CHATTERING)

Not Cookie, not Cookie.

Well, that's the first time
I've prayed for that.

ALL: Me, me!
Over here.

(GROWLS)
(BARKS)

Hello.

(CHUCKLES) Goodbye.

Darla, I assume
you know where the exits are.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)