Original subtitles

And talk about crimes against clothing.

For his latest collection,

designer Arturo Vitalli should get life in prison without parole.

Huh. Maybe he'll bump into my uncle Lenny.

We all told him making his own lottery tickets was a bad idea.

I'm Kitty Couture. Join us next week in the Glitter Box!

Meow!

(COUGHING)

Great job. But can we stop with the glitter?

(COUGHING) I'm getting sparkle-lung.

But the glitter got 93 likes!

And my kitty-claws are trending!

How long are you gonna keep up the disguise?

Like, forever?

No one can know that I'm Kitty Couture.

I want people to focus on my opinions, not my famous parents.

JESSIE: Emma!

Your mom's on her way home!

Yay! When will she be here?

She said 15 minutes if traffic's good.

Oh, there she is.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

She must've used the carpool lane!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Fresh-squeezed, especially for you, ma'am.

Mmm. Thank you, Bertram. You're always so attentive.

ALL: Ugh!

So, guess what, guys.

I am launching a new teen fashion line,

Fer Shur Couture!

What, is it, like, clothes inspired by the 80's?

The most hideous era in fashion history? (CHUCKLING)

It's clothes from the 80's, isn't it?

Yes.

I loved the 80's!

I still have my leg warmers.

Obviously I've ditched the mullet.

Well, I am reworking those rad fashions for today's teens,

and I want all of you to be models in the show.

(GASPS) I'd love to!

Oh, you meant the kids.

I'll just keep making these sandwiches.

Thanks, Mom, but I prefer to observe and judge.

Modeling clothes? Boring.

(SCOFFS) I don't even like changing my clothes.

We noticed.

Count me out.

Last time I posed for you,

I ended up on a billboard dressed like a giant pepperoni.

You sold a lot of frozen pizzas.

And I never saw a dime.

Mrs. Mommy, if you need me to perform this sacred duty for you,

I would be honored.

I will not disappoint you.

Relax, dude. She's just trying to save some money on models.

Jessie, would you be willing to be my assistant on this project?

You mean I'm off peanut butter duty?

You got it!

Kids, meet your new nanny: Bertram!

Oh, there is no way...

I'd pass up the chance to help out my little angels,

and their heavenly Mommy.

Did you hurt your neck making that turn?

Why would Mom design a teen clothing line without consulting me?

Why would she have me put a live angora kitten in each of these gift bags?

(KITTENS MEWING)

The rich are different.

(KITTENS MEWING) Hey!

(MEWING STOPS)

Emma, she probably just forgot.

You know how busy your Mom is,

but she would never do anything to hurt anyone's feelings.

Jessie! I am tired of you wandering off. Here. Wear this.

That's a dog collar.

No, it's a necklace with a GPS system.

And rhinestones.

(GPS BEEPING) See? Pretty.

These are the sketches for my new line.

File it under G for genius.

Can I see them? Sure.

So, what do you think?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I have no words.

I knew you'd love them!

(COLLAR BEEPS)

Oh, so my collar also emits an ear splitting shriek?

How nice.

So I won't lose you in a parking garage.

That's how Javier got away.

Sadly, still the best piece of jewelry I've ever received.

I'm ready for my bike riding lesson.

Can't this wait until Jessie's back on nanny duty?

Okay. We can go shopping for training bras instead.

Get on the bike.

Now, the most important thing to remember is not to fall over.

Ha! Yeah! (SQUEAKS HORN)

Well, duh. How do I not do that?

Make sure your arms are out. Like this.

Then how do I steer?

Oh, right. Scratch that.

Doesn't this thing have cruise control?

Do you even know how to ride a bike?

Wha...!

(SCOFFS)

No! I'm so ashamed.

You never learned?

No.

The first time I got on a bike, it didn't go well.

I was the only kid in the neighborhood who couldn't ride.

All the other kids used to say,

"Bert, Bert, what a squirt, tried to ride and ate some dirt!"

(LAUGHING)

Those horrible kids.

Lyrically gifted, but horrible.

I'm hopeless. I'll never be normal.

Yes, you will, because I'm going to teach you.

I will not quit until you can ride a bike.

How are you going to teach me? You can't ride.

I'm eight years old. I think I can figure it out.

No offense.

One, a two, a three.

Four, five, six.

(CHUCKLES) What was that?

It is known as the end-of-runway pivot and jacket pop.

Modeling is an art.

You have to tell a story with nothing but your clothes,

your attitude, and your eyes.

The story you're telling is, "I'm a loser."

Hi. I'm looking for Christina?

Diamond Bloodworth, teen supermodel?

I've dreamed of this moment,

but Ravi wasn't here, we were fighting aliens.

And you were in a bikini.

Ignore him.

I loved your commercial for After Gym Class aftershave.

When I wear it, people actually believe I shave!

And go to gym class!

Well, I better find Christina.

I'm Christina's son, Luke.

I'll be joining you in the fashion show.

You will? You will?

Uh, of course.

I've been walking the runway since I could crawl.

I love telling a story with nothing but my clothes, my attitude and my thighs.

(SNIGGERS) I think you mean your "eyes".

Not the way I do it.

Hey, Mom! Wanna go to lunch?

I could give you some fashion feedback on your new line.

Oh, I wish I could.

How about we go on a spa weekend

right after the fashion show?

You can tell me how much you love the clothes then.

Actually... (PHONE DINGS)

Oops! Hold that thought.

My marketing director is waiting.

We're gonna sell Fer Shur Couture to every kid in America!

If you're trying to sell kids these clothes,

they better come with a free pony.

Bertram, you can do it.

There's no reason to be embarrassed.

Is Emma's bike really the only other one we have?

You're gonna be humiliated anyway, so what's the diff?

Now just push off, and try to find your balance.

(GRUNTING)

This is like trying to fit a ten pound bowling ball into a teacup.

(EXHALES)

Okay.

I think I got it! This is so easy!

(MOCKING) "This is so easy."

Okay, Bert-man. You can do this.

You're not going to be left behind this time.

Come on, Bertram! You can do it!

I can do it! Yeah! I'm gonna do it!

(YELLS) I can't do it!

Bertram, don't be scared. I'll be here for you every step of the way.

I promise, I will not let go.

You won't let go? I promise I won't.

Hold on. Okay.

(EXCLAIMS) Hold on! Okay.

Ooh, a penny!

That's good luck!

(BERTRAM SCREAMING)

(WATER SPLASHING)

(SWAN QUACKING)

Ooh! Not so lucky for Bertram.

(SWAN QUACKING)

Or that swan.

No! I am not vlogging from my mom's fashion show.

You have to!

I already posted that Kitty Couture

is gonna be reporting live from there!

I can't trash my mom in public!

Look, our vlog is blowing up,

and your followers expect you to trash any fashion that deserve it.

So we are going to that show!

You just want the gift bags!

I heard they're giving out kittens!

My apartment has rats!

Jessie, what do you think of the length of this?

The length is good.

Yeah, the length is probably what I like best about it.

More than the bow?

Oh, yeah.

Ow! Okay. You missed the pincushion.

Again.

Oops.

Ow!

Okay, that drew blood.

Good thing the dress is red.

(PHONE DINGS)

Jessie, can you get my phone?

Uh, yes, I will.

Just come here, just come here.

Oh. My. Gauchos.

What?

Kitty Couture is coming to my show?

She hates everything!

Well, I hate her!

She said I was an embarrassment to jeggings.

How did she even get a ticket to your show?

We must have a leak. I blame my office staff.

Clear my calendar for Monday!

Polygraphs in the morning, firings in the afternoon!

I will order a nice lunch in between.

What goes best with interrogations?

Deli?

I don't want to go to the fashion show.

I'm battered, bruised, and I've swallowed enough feathers

to stuff a comforter.

Aw, don't be such a grumpty-dumpty.

I have a surprise for you.

I don't want a surprise. I want the limo.

Where is it?

I canceled it.

This is what we're taking instead.

(GASPS) No! I am not getting on that deathtrap built for two!

Bertram, with the tandem bike, only one person has to know how to ride.

Come on, get up here.

Who's my big, brave boy?

Not me.

They've opened the doors! Is everything ready?

Yes, and I brought icy-cold Christina Ross Water for each guest!

What? Jessie, icy-cold is out! Room temperature is in.

Uh, gotcha. Yeah.

(PANTING)

You call that a lunch buffet?

It was raw fish.

Who comes to these things, seagulls?

It's sushi. Oh.

I guess I'm not used to eating fish that's not in stick form.

Hey, Jessie. Having fun?

Well, at first I was really looking forward to joining the glamorous world of fashion.

Then I nearly bled out on the couch,

and now I'm sort of over it.

(COLLAR BEEPING)

I'm right here.

Oh. Check on the boys, and make sure the rest of the garments are steamed.

Right away!

Okay. Luke, Ravi, you're on in five!

All right. I need a steamer and an eye doctor, stat!

You're really wearing that?

I selected an outfit with the highest degree of modeling difficulty

in order to blow Diamond away.

How did you decide on that?

I just asked which outfit gets to walk Diamond down the runway.

That will be the perfect time to ask her out!

Point Luke.

But this is not over!

We will fight for her favor the way real men do, on the runway!

It's tragic that today's young people missed the 1980's,

when fashion was bigger, bolder, and totally tubular.

I give you Fer Shur Couture!

(UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

The show's just starting and I can safely say

I've never seen anything like it.

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

The crowd is gasping... with joy?

Your credibility is falling faster than my grandma's butt!

Did you finish steaming the garments?

I probably should've said this earlier,

but I don't really know how to operate a steamer.

Please make it stop!

It's gonna stop and tip over if you don't start pedaling!

I can't feel my legs.

You're being silly. There's nothing to be afraid of.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING)

Stay outta the bike lane, ya jerk!

Baby on board!

(SOBBING)

You're going to be great, honey.

Just remember, Mommy's entire reputation is depending on this show.

But no pressure.

Having people cheer while I walk around looking good?

Just another day in Lukeland.

Hey, Diamond, they're ready for you!

Diamond, may I say you embody

the sylph-like sartorial sensibility of a young Christy Turlington?

Huh?

She doesn't speak geek.

Let me translate. You're a babe. Let's do this!

(SIGHS)

Remember, when we get to the end of the runway, stop and let me pose.

Oh, Luke, you have a thread hanging. Let me get that.

Oh, oh, um, uh...

(FABRIC RIPPING)

In hindsight, maybe I should have just let that thread go.

Okay, the audience is laughing

with delight

at this sneak peek at Christina's new underwear line.

How brilliant is Christina Ross?

About as brilliant as panda undies on a 13-year-old.

Go out there and rescue Diamond!

Try to make it look like part of the show!

I am on it.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

Point Ravi.

Now it is over.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Love what you did out there.

Now let's get you changed into your showstopper outfit.

Hello! The show already stopped!

Nobody here is professional, except that guy. I quit!

Call me!

Holy Vera Wang! Do you know what just happened?

Yes! Diamond wants to break off a piece of this!

She even has a pet name for me.

That Guy!

Ah!

Honey, let go of the runway.

Please.

And wearing our final outfit of the night,

please welcome back supermodel Diamond Bloodworth!

What are you doing? Trying to save your show.

Wah!

Bad things happening to pretty people?

I love fashion shows!

They're fleeing like rats off the Titanic!

On the bright side, I am dating a model.

High-five!

Christina, I'm so sorry.

Diamond quit and I didn't know what to do!

Christina?

Is that Kitty Couture?

And as you can see, people are running out to buy these clothes,

proving that Christina Ross...

Is on her way over here! Run!

(GASPS)

Emma?

You're Kitty Couture?

Surprise.

You came here to trash my show?

Of course not!

How could you not know about this?

The last two days are kind of blurry.

I lost a lot of blood when you made me a human pincushion.

(GROANS)

Could things get any worse?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

I think you just lost the deposit on the tent.

Mom, I didn't say anything bad about your clothes.

Honey, I know. I just saw your vlog, and you were very sweet.

Why didn't you just tell me my designs were horrible?

I tried.

But when you get into work mode,

you're not the easiest person to talk to.

Hmm. You know, that's what my last seven assistants said

right before they quit.

Which doesn't make any sense to me,

because I am a very considerate boss.

Help. Knees buckling.

Tendons snapping.

Not now, Jessie!

We're having a mother-daughter moment.

(KITTEN YOWLING)

I must've missed one.

Pipe down, Fluffy.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Jessie, look, Mom became a fan of Kitty Couture!

And I'm an even bigger fan of yours.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh! This reminds me of the time my dad and I

bonded over Stingers being our favorite surface-to air missiles!

Anywho, I'm going to be more collaborative.

You know what, I'm creating a new position in my company:

Teen Fashion Consultant.

A promotion? Oh! I'm so flattered.

And you meant Emma.

I'll get it one of these days.

We're gonna work together? Yup.

Thanks, Mom!

Oh, poor Luke.

Okay, we're gonna need a spatula and some lard.

This is exhilarating! I feel so alive!

Oh, whoa!

I'm so proud of you!

Aren't you glad I finally taught you how to ride a bike?

Who's my special little guy?

I am!

Whoa! Whoa!

(ZURI GASPS)

Bertram! Are you okay?

Wait a minute. Where's the seat?

(HOARSELY) You don't wanna know.