Original subtitles

(L(SQUEAKING)G)

What the heck was that?

CocMice?hes?

Water buffalo?

Do not judge, it was a real problem in my village.

How did you get rid of them?

Really big glue traps.

(LAUGHING)

I kid.

They made the children chase them away for P.E. credit.

Yo, kids. What do you think?

It's a step up from what you usually wear.

I'm dressed in character for an open-call audition for Brooklyn Vice.

If this is what the girls wear in Brooklyn, can we move there?

Fine. If you can spell Brooklyn, we'll move there.

On second thought, how do girls dress in Soho?

Jessie, since when are you an actress?

Well, I talked my way into this job, didn't I?

And I think we all know I'm not really qualified to be a nanny.

DI know, right?

We still can't believe it.

Okay, okay, that'll do!

All right. I have to go pick up Zuri before my audition.

Emma, you're in charge.

And you cannot force the boys to have beauty treatments.

Thank you!

Last time, you waxed off my only chest hair!

I still miss him.

(L(SQUEAKING)G)

There's that weird noise again.

I bet it's a giant rat!

New York's crawling with rats big as Labradoodles.

Ooh, I love Labradoodles!

You wouldn't love them if they climbed up the sewer pipes

into the toilet and bit your butt off!

I would if they were wearing cute little bows.

I do not think a rat could suddenly appear in a toilet.

Believe it. Just ask that kid in math class who sits like this.

You mean One-Cheek McDougal?

BOTH: Oh!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* It feels like a party every day

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* But they keep on pulling me every which way

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* My whole world is changing Turning around

* They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

* But they took a chance on the new girl in town

* And I don't want to let them down, down, down

* Hey Jessie

* Hey Jessie

* It feels like a party every day

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie *

Fear not, siblings.

I will find out what is making that strange noise.

How? By hiding in the dumbwaiter?

No! The dumbwaiter leads to crawl spaces between the walls.

How do you know that?

When he first got here, I told him it was the kids' elevator.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I still have a crick in my neck.

Guys, I don't think this is a good idea.

We do not care what you think.

We are men. We must explore!

Yes!

Where would we be if Christopher Columbus'

babysitter had told him not to go in the dumbwaiter?

Columbus didn't have a dumbwaiter...

Silence!

Godspeed, brother.

Woman, prepare the feast for his victorious return.

But before that, send me off with a rousing cheer.

Give "R"!n R!

Give "A"!n A!

Give me a break.

RAVI: Ow! You gave me a boo-boo.

(GROANING)

Oh, I'm so excited, Zuri! My first audition!

One day, you'll be able to say you knew me when.

You mean when we had to stand in line forever

and there was no rollercoaster at the end of it?

How can you be bored? It's showbiz!

We might see Johnny Depp!

Or we could just wait for Thanksgiving.

Johnny Depp is my godfather.

And every year he buries some treasure in the stuffing.

I wouldn't mind getting my hands on that pirate's booty.

If you want to be an actress,

why don't you just have my dad cast you in something?

Because when I make it big,

I want it to be because of my talent and hard work.

Plus, I already asked him and he said no.

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me. Excuse me.

Very important police business that requires me

to be at the front of this line.

Officer Petey!

What are you doing here?

Hey! I'm trying out for the part of the medical examiner.

Why not for the part of the cop?

I don't think I could pull that off.

Well, as long as we're both here waiting,

you want to warm up with some acting exercises?

Okay.

BOTH: A-E-I-O-Ooh.

A-E-I-O-Ooh.

Actors.

Ravi's been up there long enough.

I'm bringing him down!

I'm sure he's fine.

Well, then again until recently I was sure

the capital of the United States was Gotham City, so.

Oh, no!

Jessie left me in charge

and I just lost 50% of my brothers!

Ravi! Can you hear me?

RAVI: Yes, but I do not know where I am!

Whoa.

Maybe Ravi's passed through some portal

and he's communicating with us from another dimension!

RAVI: Actually, I am pretty sure I am still between the walls.

(CLATTERING)

(RAVI COUGHING)

That was insulation!

On the bright side, now I know where all the missing socks go!

Have you found out what's making the noise?

RAVI: No.

(LOW GROWLING)

But I think I am about to!

Oh, no! It is big! Very big!

(RAVI SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Luke? What is in there with him?

I don't know.

But it must be something pretty bad,

because we're actually hugging.

Hi! Hi! Hi!

I'm Jessie Prescott.

You're not going to believe it, but this is my first audition!

We believe it. Did you bring a headshot?

Well, no, no. No, I don't have headshots.

But I did bring this cute caricature of me flying a bi-plane.

My head's not really that big in real life, see?

That's usually an ice-breaker.

You're reading for the part of the victim's daughter.

Try not to stink.

Good note. Thank you.

"I'm telling you, Officer Dunlap,

"my father was mugged by a clown.

"He held a squirting flower to his head,

"and asked for his wallet!

"I only hope you can help me get to the bottom of this

"funny business.

"Now, please let me go home!"

Wow. That actually didn't stink.

You got the part, and I'm not just saying that

because it's lunch, and there's tri-tip.

Really?

Thank you! This is a dream come true!

Jessie, I was over at the snack table

and I saw some stupid clown

take the last 10 packs of Cutie Fruities!

What kind of sick, cruel world are we living in?

I want to go home!

Wow. That emotion was so authentic.

I could see your pain.

You get between me and my Cutie Fruities,

and it'll be the last thing you see.

I wanted a kid for this part,

but I couldn't find a child who was good enough.

But you have really got something.

That's what I keep telling people!

Hello! Moneymaker!

What? I thought you were bored with all of this.

That was before my "something" was recognized.

Would you like to play the part of the victim's daughter?

(GASPS) Does Chubby the Bear poop in the woods?

I don't know.

Great.

See you on set later.

Wait, wait, wait! Wait, remember me?

"Didn't stink?"

Can't talk! Gotta beat the extras to the tri-tip!

Ravi? Ravi?

Luke, this is no time to dress up like a Jungle Cruise tour guide!

I'm Indiana Jones!

Okay, things that would be useful in a dark, dirty crawl space,

flashlight and gloves.

Things that are not useful,

jaunty hat and whippy thingy!

(L(SQUEAKING)G)

Wrong. There's nothing a giant rat fears more

than a man dressed for adventure with a whippy thingy.

Okay. Just bring Ravi back before Jessie gets home.

Okay.

Before I get home and what?

RaJessie! You're here!!

And you guys are there.

Glad we got roll-call out of the way.

So, how did your audition go?

Swell, for Zuri!

She got my part and shattered my dream.

That is so great for Zuri!

Oh, look, a corner.

I will go stand in it.

Great idea.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go serve Zuri and her acting coach.

Suddenly I'm a waitress.

Like every other actor in New York.

Apparently not a very good one.

If I don't make it back,

make sure Jessie never gets married.

Have you seen the way she eats nachos?

I'm pretty sure that's not gonna happen.

Now, vocal exercises.

(VOCALIZING)

Now your turn, Zuri.

I don't think so.

Just stick to teaching me about crime stuff.

I wouldn't think you'd need that.

Stealing my dreams seemed to come so easily to you.

You know, even though Officer Petey didn't get a part,

he's not all bitter, like some people.

(LAUGHS) I know, right?

(WHISPERS) Sorry.

Jessie, part of being a professional actor is doing research for a role.

I take my craft very seriously.

Just this morning, your craft was making bracelets out of paper clips.

You've never said you wanted to be an actor.

But I think I've been pretty clear

that I like being the center of attention.

Continue.

Okay, well at some crime scenes,

witnesses can be rattled by all the blood!

Now check out this pic.

Wait, wait, wait. No. No.

No, I don't think we want Zuri knowing about

multiple stab wounds until at least the third grade.

Ooh! Speaking of multiple stab wounds,

have you guys seen a bloody knife in a plastic bag around here?

Says "Exhibit A" on it.

Sorry.

Uh-oh. I must've left it in the diner.

I hope they don't put it through the dishwasher!

Gotta go!

Keep practicing, Zuri!

(VOCALIZING)

Jessie, please bring my sandwich up to my dressing room.

You mean your room room?

I dress in there, don't I?

And don't forget to cut off the crusts.

Will do.

After the crusts, I'm coming after your pigtails.

RAVI: Get a grip, Ravi.

You simply got lost in the walls of your apartment.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Luke! You have found me.

And in style.

Now, which way out?

I'm not sure.

I left a trail of chocolate chips,

but then I got hungry and went back and ate them.

Perhaps next time, you should leave a trail of Brussels sprouts.

So, other than being trapped in the walls

and chased by a carnivorous rat, what else is new?

Well, obsessing on the carnivorous rat

is taking up most of my time these days.

Did you get a good look at it?

Well, in the split second before I went blind with fear,

I saw a huge beast covered in gray fur.

(GASPS) Maybe Bertram's back from vacation.

(CRUNCHING)

Do you hear a strange crunching sound?

Yes. I was hoping you brought potato chips.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) It's just a big pile of bones.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Bones!

I have never been so scared in my life!

Well, that record did not last long.

Ravi? Luke?

Emma?

(TOw.S)

What you doin'?

Um, degreasing the stove hood.

That's a thing, right?

It's important we do chores once in a while.

Otherwise, we could become spoiled brats.

Jessie, alphabetize my candy.

My bubblegum is touching my Zabbadabbas.

Zuri, that is not how we ask for things.

What's the magic word?

Abracadabra?

What does that have to do with me not having candy in my mouth?

Someone else could use a little stove-cleaning duty.

Emma, could you remind my personal assistant not to look directly at me?

Zuri?

Maybe on set, you should call me "Miss Ross."

I've got a few ideas what to call you.

Okay. I brought the stuff you asked for.

Stanislavsky's essay on sense memory,

and a juice box with a purple bendy straw.

You're a good little worker, Prescott.

And I treat my people right.

I talked to the director, and she's found a part for you.

Oh, thank you so much, Miss Ross!

Being an extra is not a part.

Hey, Jessie. Weird, huh?

You're in a fake crowd watching fake cops,

and I'm a real cop controlling a real crowd

watching the fake crowd.

It's like my head's all, "What's going on?"

So you're doing crowd control?

Yeah, because that guy snaked my part.

Just 'cause he's "incredibly handsome" and "can act."

I don't get it. Show business is supposed to be fair.

Yeah. Well, I hope pretty-boy likes hanging around the park,

'cause half an inch of his bumper was in the red zone

and now he's got five boots on his car.

Five?

Yeah, I got his spare, too.

Well, you know, at least you're gonna be on camera.

TIt is a start.

And I am gonna make the most of it.

Oh, come on!

So, Emma, Ravi gets lost in the walls,

then I get lost in the walls,

so your solution was get lost in the walls?

Can we please not have this conversation

on a mountain of bones?

If we leave, we might run into the thing that left them here.

And it'll add us to its collection.

And I have a double-jointed elbow.

It is highly collectible!

(LOW GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

The creature approaches!

Luke, kill it with your bullwhip!

(WHIPPING)

(SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING)

My heroes.

Wait a minute!

I'd recognize that mouse breath anywhere.

It's Mr. Kipling!

Covered in dust, insulation, and a couple of socks.

This must be where Mr. Kipling comes

to regurgitate the indigestible bones of his prey.

Is that not adorable?

(SQUEAKING)

Hey! That's the squeaking noise we've been hearing!

Aw, it is Marvin the Mongoose, Mr. Kipling's chew toy.

Again, adorable.

Meanwhile, we're still lost.

Follow me.

So, do we follow the creature with a brain the size of a walnut?

Or Mr. Kipling?

DIRECTOR: And action!

When we realized the clown was trying to mug us,

we made a run for it.

Cut! Quit trying to get in the shot!

Yeah, people!

Unprofessional!

When we realized the clown was trying to mug us,

we made a run for it.

Cut! What are you doing?

You know, I thought the clown could have a sister

who's always bailing him out of trouble,

even though she has a deep, dark secret herself...

That's it! You're fired! Get out of here!

(SIGHS)

Fine, I'll stay out of the shot, but I can't leave.

I'm her nanny.

I hope you're a better nanny than you are an actress.

She sure is!

I mean, she's the best nanny in the whole wide world.

You see this? Okay. This is my "don't care" face.

Now let's get back to the scene!

If you don't rehire Jessie, the only scene you're gonna get

is one of my Level Seven tantrums!

Uh, be careful. The last Level Seven

ended up with our couch in the downstairs neighbor's hot tub.

Fine, you're fired too.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no! You can't fire Zuri.

This has been her dream since lunch.

Security, get them out of here!

And don't let the little one take any Cutie Fruities!

(SIGHS)

Zuri, I'm sorry you're not gonna be on Brooklyn Vice

Oh, that's okay.

That show always gets beat by Hip Hop Exterminator.

I love that show!

Especially Danger Mousetrap and Fitty Centipede.

Anyway, thanks for sticking up for me.

It kind of makes up for all the diva stuff you've been pulling.

Diva? How was I being a diva?

I just want what I want when I want it.

Oh. Now I hear it.

Mmm-hmm.

Now who am I going to get to play the part of the victim's daughter?

Ooh, me! Me!

Me.

I play ages six to 26, male...

Or female.

AreI do not know.re?

Mr. Kipling has disappeared.

It is like he fell off the face of the... (YELLING)

(ALL GROANING)

Ouch!

What hideous netherworld have we fallen into now?

Oh, it is my room!

That was awesome! Let's do it again!

ALL: Nothing.?

I've been looking for you guys everywhere.

What are you doing with Mr. Kipling?

CPlaying.

Cuddling.

All right, less cuddling more cleaning.

But, Emma, great job taking care of your brothers.

You know, I'm going to put you in charge more often.

What did I ever do to you?

(SOBBING)

Okay.

Why do I always feel there's something going on I don't know about?

Hey, I've been looking for that sock!

Why is there a bone on it?

I'm telling you, Officer Dunlap,

my father was mugged by a clown.

I only hope you can help me get to the bottom of this

funny business.

Now, please, let me go home!

Whew!

So, what do you think? And be honest.

Well, I think you're a better actor than you are a cop.

Thank you! And what did you think, Jessie?

I thought you were really, really great.

I know, right? Yeah!

Told you I was a good actress.