Original subtitles

♪ ♪

[WOMAN]: Is that a mullet?

Oh, anything with a unibrow goes in the No Pile.

We're not gonna have any pictures of me from, like,

- age 8 to 13. - [LAUGHING]

Oh, my Lord. This is so embarrassing.

Oh, God!

[LAUGHING]: When was that?

This was 1982, Mom.

- Remember, we went to Niagara Falls? - Right.

That is also the year,

you permed my hair at the kitchen table.

It feels hot, Mom.

I'm following the instructions.

♪ ♪

Oh, yes.

This took me four years to grow out.

Mom, this has got to be 30 years ago.

Oh, my gosh!

[BOTH]: ♪ Sister, mother, warrior girl ♪

♪ Taking on the whole wide world. ♪

♪ We got lessons to bestow ♪ ♪ G-i-r-l go-go-go ♪

♪ Go, girls, go Go, girls, go ♪

No, that's not the song.

- Well, I wasn't in Go Girls. - [NORA]: You were.

You quit after three hours.

Maybe this girl wasn't going anywhere.

Well, I loved it.

I went through all the badges so quickly,

they had to make a new one: know-it-all.

Figures.

Do you think I'll ever go camping again?

Realistically, Mom, probably not.

Jann!

♪ Aaah ♪

Hey, guys! Happy Friday!

So I wanna hear your suggestions:

what should I do this weekend?

Oh! We're going camping.

- Oh, you are? - We...

The whole family.

Oh... yeah. I wasn't

really looking for suggestions from you,

but I will take a couple of

those powdered beer packets.

You're coming.

I found the most beautiful campsite.

How beautiful? Like 100 likes beautiful,

or like 500 likes beautiful?

Like sliding into DMs beautiful.

Do you even know what that means?

- Not really, no. - I do.

OK, so you're coming.

Well, people want to see me go camping.

I guess I'm going.

- Hey, going where? - Camping.

WE are going camping.

It's a little late in the season, isn't it?

It's supposed to snow on Sunday.

Yep, and it's not optional.

Alright, cool.

Cool!

We found that. Picture on the fridge.

Mom's coming too.

Oh, my God! You look so...

Weird, but happy.

I'm happy if you're happy.

♪ Go, go, girl! Go, go, go, girl ♪

♪ G-i-r-l-s Go and... ♪

♪ Go, girl ♪

Yeah, so that's still totally not the song.

Whatever, Max. It's very close to what the song was.

So have you and Cyn been roped into this spontaneous,

yet totally not optional camping trip?

I'm actually looking forward to it,

'cause it will get me out of couples counselling.

Snuggle time!

You're watching your favourite Netflix show now.

Very nice. Super.

Super. Super. FIRE!

THERE'S A FIRE!

- Run! Save the baby! - I have my baby!

- Give me the baby. - Protect the baby!

Don't smother. Good.

Camping over counselling? You are so mature.

I know you are but what am I?

Oh! What am I eating?

Dehydrated paella.

Holy!

Terrible! [JANN SPITTING]

- OK... - OK. Dave,

- you're on pyre duty. - Pyre?

OK, guys, so...

I got all your suggestions to go camping,

so that's what I am doing this weekend.

Let me know what you think I should pack

in the comments down below.

And, Jann, you're on provisions.

- You mean food? - It's provisions.

Yes, but that's food, no?

- Still provisions. - [JANN]: You mean food.

Just get the food, Jann.

♪ ♪

No way. Pick a favourite.

Pick a favourite kid.

I don't negotiate with tiny terrorists.

- Pick one. - [GIRLS LAUGHING]

And the terrorists have won.

- Mom? - Hmm?

I have a surprise for you.

- [NORA GASPING] - I found these in my camping supplies!

- Maxi! - Can we wear them camping?

[BOTH]: Go, girls, go!

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, my God! No, no! Mom, put your shirt back on!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I completely forgot I wasn't wearing a bra.

- Hmmm... - ♪ ♪

[NORA]: Come on, girls.

- Let's get to work! - Okay.

It's cold. You know, it's not too late to change your mind.

Don't be such a stick in the mud.

Stick in the snow.

[INAUDIBLE SPEAKING]

Oh, look!

The Jann and Cynthia psycho theatre has begun.

Not necessarily.

She could just be singing the theme song to Ghostbusters.

[BABY CRYING]

Still, camping over counselling? Come on.

- Camping over everything! - Yeah, yeah.

It's not because I don't think

- your feelings are valid! - Oh, really?

I just think you're totally wrong and completely off base!

- You're ridiculous! - You are delusional!

What are you two fighting about now?

The average serving size of peanut butter.

- Right. - Is it really hot out here?

I feel like I'm having a hot flash.

Give me the keys to the car.

I need the AC.

I am burning up! I'll be just a minute.

[BOTH]: Take your time.

- [NORA]: All secure. - [GIRL]: OK, Gram.

- What are you doing? - I'm orienting the tents

due east so that we can wake up with the sun!

- Ah, thanks, Ma. - Look at you.

[YOUNG GIRL 1]: Oh, I got my hands all dirty.

[YOUNG GIRL 2]: Let's gather up some of these leaves.

[NORA]: Ah, good idea.

♪ ♪

Aaaah...

- Aah. - Unbelievable.

Brachythecium rivulare?

Close, but no. Fontinalis Antipyretica.

- Of course. - [NORA]: Mm-hmm.

- Which means... - It's edible!

- Yeah, it is. - Yeah. Hoohoo!

- Unbelievable. - Come on, catch it.

Not so close!

Auntie J doesn't like balls near her face, remember?!

Hey, guys!

So according to the poll,

this is the makeup look that you

wanted me to go camping in.

- It is... - [GIRLS LAUGHING]

...the Pumpkin Spice palette

and I highly recommend it.

Hmm... needs something.

- Salt. - Hmm,

I didn't expect it to be so sharp.

In taste and texture.

Now, what I think I'm tasting is...

Blood.

[CYNTHIA SIGHING]

- You want a beer? - Oh, absolutely.

You know, I think this could be fun.

Come to Mama!

[GRUNTING AND SIGHING]

What a waste!

Son of a bowling ball!

- [GRUNTING] - [BANJO MUSIC]

Uh-oh!

Oh! Ah...

Ugh!

Oh... Ah, ah, ah, oh,

ohhh... Ah!

Ah, oh!

Oh my God!

Ah! Geez!

Ah! Ah.

Oh... God.

Wilderness safety!

OK. So, if you see a bear...

You stop it, drop it and roll it!

OK, so that's for a fire.

You don't want to roll a bear.

OK, but if you do see a bear,

you must avoid eye contact.

No. If you see a bear,

you should look it dead in the eye.

Now, if you see a cougar...

Well, if you see a cougar, you're already dead.

I mean, they stalk their prey,

and then by the time you see it,

it's already ripping out your jugular.

Max, come on.

OK. Possibly your carotid artery.

Alright, why don't we lay off the violent-death speech?

But it's how you earn the Bravery badge.

Yeah, OK.

Who wants some advice that doesn't involve death?

What's the point, Dave?

"Leaves of three, let it be."

Thought weed was legal now!

If a plant has three leaves, it's poison ivy.

But general rule is stay away from anything in threes.

It's never as fun as you think it's gonna be, kids.

OK. Thank you for that.

Maybe you could go to the car and get the provisions.

Jann...

- Could you get the provisions? - Kind of busy right here, Max.

Fine. Cynthia,

can you help me get the provisions?

[HANDLE JANGLING]

It's locked. We need the keys.

It's OK. It's a simple matter of going through my pockets.

They're definitely here.

That is a surprising amount of garbage.

Are these my pants?

I don't think these are my pants!

You locked the keys in the car!

Nooo!

The provisions!

That means food!

Wow!

You locked the keys in the car!

I feel,

like this is an example

of you not paying attention to things that matter

and as a result, I feel pissed.

Ok, cool. I see what you're doing there. You're using therapy language.

Cynthia, I hear you,

and I really appreciate your feelings.

- Thank you. - BUT I would not

be serving my own spirit,

if I didn't express

just how much this is your fault!

You were the one driving the car, therefore

the keys are your responsibility!

You got back in the car

to turn on the air conditioning.

I have a medical condition!

I'll call Rhonda;

she's been breaking into cars since,

the early nineties.

We don't have any food?

Guys, guys,

this is not a problem, OK?

Mom and I, we will just forage for food!

- [NORA]: Fantastic! - Oh, my God.

We're all gonna die.

OK, I'm giving you two hours for your little adventure,

and then I'm gonna take our insufferable,

angry children for McNuggets.

- Yeah. - Let's go, Mom.

[BOTH]: Go, girls, go!

- Girls, be gone! - [JANN]: Can't with those two.

Cynthia, can you please come with me into the woods?

Why?

Because all the stress has triggered

something, and my body is

on the doorstep of a situation.

Is it the stress or is it the three bags of turkey jerky?

I am gonna crap my pants;

can you not come and protect me

from having my carotid artery ripped off?

- Fine. - None of this feels good.

Hey, guys! So, update, my tent is up.

Here's the rest of the camp.

A lot of work to be done still, obviously.

Say hi, Dave!

- Dave? - [BANJO MUSIC]

I thought this was urgent.

- What's wrong with right here? - It's too exposed.

We need to go deeper.

This is a joke.

FYI, no one LOLs at IBS.

I love this.

The water, fishing with my girl.

Haha! It's been a great day so far.

This is a place to be just us

and the quiet beauty of nature.

Am I gonna dig or do you wanna do it?

This is super private.

- [NORA]: Oh, look who it is! - Don't cross it.

[NORA]: What are they up to?

Not to be too graphic,

but the toilet paper was a "provision"

and it too is locked in the car.

I'm trying to remain the slightest bit attracted to you.

Everybody poos, Cynthia!

Is... is this happening?

Uh... I think so.

[GRUMBLING]

I can never not see that.

Oh, my God, I think I'm having a hot flash!

- Don't look at me! - No problem!

- [GRUMBLING] - [JANN]: Oh, God.

Leaves of three...

Oh, Jesus!

- Yep. - [JANN]: What's happening?

We're surrounded by poison ivy!

We have to get out of here!

I am past the point of no return!

What?! Put your pants on!

I told you these aren't my pants!

Oh! I can't stop!

What the hell?

Girls...

Why is the wood wet?

- It was dirty. - We washed it!

What did I tell you about being helpful?

[CHILDREN]: That it makes your life more difficult.

That it makes my life more difficult.

Did we bring any sunscreen?

[JANN]: Hey, you guys!

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

Oh, my God!

Don't go into the woods, it's not worth it.

- Am I getting the Jimmy eye? - Getting?

It's safe to say you got.

- Is this a hive? - I think it is!

Oh, my God, I have a hive! I can't handle this!

I can't swallow properly!

That's weird because I'm about to throw up.

Hey, Dave, in the chaos,

we may have accidentally left

your shovel out there.

I had to go and I dug a hole!

I'm losing vision! I can't see!

I can't handle this! I have a hive!

Honestly, guys, did anybody bring any sunscreen?

[JANN]: I'm losing vision, people!

- [JANN]: I am losing sight - Am I in hell?

We got three trout and some blueberries.

Not one thing has been done.

Now, hold on.

No help, wrong kind of help

and need psychological help!

- Are you talking to me? - [DAVE]: Yes!

- I'm in therapy! - You owe me a shovel!

You can shove it right up your...

OK. OK.

Clearly, nobody wants to be here.

[MAX AND NORA]: I do.

- You're the only ones. - OK.

Fine. I'm done trying.

Just pack it up and we can all go home!

Cool!

Hey, guys! So camping was fun, what should I do next?

OK, look, I'm surrounded by children,

- I'm doing... - I just...

Give me a minute. I just need a minute.

- [SPLASHING] - OK, guys,

let's get going!

[JANN]: None of you care, but I can't see.

Am I following her?

♪ ♪

[BIRD CALLING]

Hey! Can you slow down a little bit?

My equilibrium is really off because of this...

Aggressive Jimmy eye.

I don't know, I don't really see a difference

between that and your regular eye.

Look a little bit closer.

There has to be a slight difference here!

I can see this eye

getting bigger with this eye.

I have no peripheral vision.

At all.

How is it that everyone in the family hates camping?

I mean, here I thought it was gonna be

Mom's last camping trip and,

I don't know, now I'm realizing it could also be mine.

That's not necessarily true;

your next husband could love camping.

Doesn't it just seem like everything's changing all at once?

Uh, yeah, 50 minutes ago,

I could see out of both eyes, Max.

I have absolutely no depth perception.

Oh! Were you trying to...?

What were you trying to do?

- Trying to shake your hand. - Right.

I just wanted this camping trip

to feel like the old days.

Seems like the older we get,

the harder a bunch of stuff becomes.

[SIGHING]

I think this Go Girl, needs a little hug.

No. It's just your eye just looks really sticky,

and I don't want it near my hair.

It's gonna crust over.

- It will crust over. - Great, but when it does,

we'll do it then, when it crusts.

I think I need some cream

- or something. - Yeah, probably.

Hey! Welcome back!

GREAT NEWS:

the girls and I found a decent amount of food

by "foraging" through the minivan, so...

fish and chips are on the menu.

- Fish stinks. - I'm not eating that.

Girls, please, you're crushing Daddy's soul.

This is great, guys. Thank you.

- ♪ Amazing Grace ♪ - No.

How rude!

I'm sorry I had such high expectations of this camping trip.

I just wanted it to be perfect

like it was when I was a kid.

Perfect?

It was never perfect, Max.

Well, they always ended in disaster.

- Really? - Really.

I don't remember a year where Jann didn't get the trots.

Have I not been through enough today?

And three years in a row,

someone needed stitches.

That was me. That was always me.

And in '88, two tents caught on fire.

- [CYNTHIA LAUGHING] - That was not me.

That was that kid, Pyro Pete.

Whatever happened to him?

He was so hot!

I guess I just remember the good stuff.

I think you remember it fondly

because we were all together.

♪ Amazing Grace ♪

- No! - This is so disrespectful.

- People pay for that. - Jann, you're forcing it.

- You're forcing it! - How does that even make sense?

- Car's unlocked! - [GIRLS SCREAMING]

[GIRLS]: Let's make s'mores!

This campsite has at least 27 violations.

You're a lifesaver, Rhonda.

Could be more, I'm just getting started.

[DAVE]: Eh, you're doing fine work.

Jann, are you wearing makeup?

♪ ♪

[JANN]: ♪ I used to think ♪

♪ That I was a good girl ♪

♪ I used to think ♪

♪ That the world was fair ♪

♪ Things have gone just a little bit ♪

♪ Crazy ♪

[JANN]: ♪ Don't think I belong ♪

♪ Anywhere ♪

Guess we're gonna need more therapy sessions, huh?

You're still into it?

I'm so happy to hear that.

Of course I'm still into it.

I'm not giving up on us.

Me either.

We have a lot of stuff to work through,

but I love you.

- I love you too. - Oooh.

Then we need each other.

God, we do need each other, especially right now

'cause my back is so goddamn itchy.

I just gotta get over.

Oh yeah! That feels so damn great!

♪ Amazing Grace ♪

[EVERYONE ELSE]: No!

[JANN]: I've had about enough of that negativity.

To be honest. Goodnight.

- Do you want a little hug? - Oh, that's OK.

- Go Girl wants a bit of a hug? - I don't want to

hurt your eye. It seems like it's pretty tender.

Hmm, there is some eye liquid on your shirt.

Oh, good, thank you. Thanks so much.

Never put anything bigger than an elbow in your eye.

- What did you put in there? - Kneecap.

- Do you know what this is? - What?

I got a contact lens stuck in there in '78.

I knew it the whole time. I once went in with tweezers,

but I just... I was actually pulling

on my real retina.

Oh, you shouldn't pull on your retina, should you?

Don't play with your retina. I'm pretty

- if I stand like this. - Yeah, you're

pretty from that right side now.

This is Tinder, and this is what you actually get.

♪ I am cool and I'm wise ♪

♪ And I'm larger than your life ♪

♪ I am bigger than the sun Watch me burning ♪

♪ To the end of all time ♪

♪ I'll be fine Watch me breaking through ♪

♪ The finish line, finish line ♪

♪ I am an army ♪

♪ I don't do what I'm told ♪

synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com