Original subtitles

- (SOFT POP MUSIC) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What are you doing, exactly?

Literally no one in this place has any idea who you are,

including that book club over there

who, on paper, should be huge Jann Arden fans.

I strongly disagree.

This dude over here really looks like he wants a picture.

That dude over there is deciding whether or not to call the police.

You've got a real "see something, say something" vibe going on.

I am not in the mood to be recognized.

- Sure. - I just would like to be anonymous.

Got it.

I actually wish I was invisible.

(BARISTA): "Yann"? Is there a "Yann"?

- Order for "Yann". - It's Jann!

(THEME MUSIC)

Is it just me or do none of these lids fit?!

(MAN): Hi. Yeah. Is there a latte for Yann?

(WHISPERING): This isn't even my coffee.

So here's the rundown for tonight's charity event.

You're scheduled to sing one song

and lunch with you has been added to the silent auction.

Really? 'Cause I was planning on staying home,

not wearing pants and watching a Hoarders marathon.

Do better.

(JANN SIGHS) What's the charity for?

- It's for ocean garbage. - What?

The removal of general ocean garbage.

It's the fifth annual Water Waste Initiative Gala,

raising funds to pause and reverse

the pollution of the Pacific Garbage Patch.

I'm not doing it. (JANN GASPS)

Oh, would you look at this!

Cynthia's law firm's sponsoring.

You are so right, Cale.

This is a very important charity.

I will absolutely be there at the Ocean Garbage Gala

because water and straws should never mix.

Do not use this work event

as an excuse to clean up your messy personal life.

(JANN GASPS) I am taken aback!

My abrupt change of heart has nothing to do

with wanting Cynthia to love me

and everything to do with hating ocean garbage!

Plus, I can PVR Hoarders.

And you'll wear pants tonight.

- Obviously! - It does seem obvious, doesn't it?

But unless I say it to your face,

and get a verbal response from your face, I will wonder all day.

I'm just gonna book a waxing appointment.

Let me take some of these

because they are harder and harder to find.

If you'll excuse me, I need to get a Brazilian blowout.

Don't say blowout when you look like the Unabomber.

Whatever. Bye bye.

- I drove you here. - Ladies.

I really appreciate your discretion so much,

but I just wanna be treated like a normal person:

regular and boring, just like you.

So thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God! Was that Jann Arden?

(WOMEN GASPING)

- Oh, my God! She is! - I love Jann Arden!

- I literally can't go anywhere. - Jann! Jann!

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)

Charley, which one of these do you like better?

Gram, you are too cute!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

But you know what,

the purple one makes you look drop-dead gorg.

That's what I'm going for. Thank you!

Any time.

(INDISTINCT AUDIO FROM COMPUTER)

? ?

What a wonderful event and for such a great cause!

Absolutely. And are these centrepieces old tires?

Make it garbage, make it fashion.

Kind of makes you wonder if you're for or against garbage

- at this point, right? - I'm against it.

Well, you look great tonight, Nigel, as always.

Oh, Cynthia. You don't have to suck up

just because I'm your firm's biggest client.

- Don't I? - Well, maybe a little bit.

I'm sure you already know this,

but I'm a huge, massive Jann Arden fan.

Oh, really? I didn't know that.

Yeah. I've seen her in concert like, 11 times.

That's a lot of times.

I even cut my hair like hers back in '97.

- In a bob? - That's right.

With the bangs?

Yes! I was mistaken for her at Lilith Fair.

Best day of my whole life.

Wow.

It must be awesome being Jann's girlfriend.

Oh, we're not together anymore.

Speaking of garbage, the ocean needs less of it, am I right?

Were we speaking of garbage?

(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

_

"Ken and Bar-B."

How is all you can eat barbeque with Kenny G worth $1700?

How do you even play saxophone with greasy meat fingers?

"The Reynolds Wrap",

full-body nude mud wraps with Ryan Reynolds.

I'm bidding 600.

- And it is totally worth it. - Really?

I think most people would want to be nude with Ryan Reynolds.

Not me.

I don't think his face matches his body

and I find that very unsettling.

- _ - Are you bidding on yourself?

Yes, I am bidding on myself, Cale,

because you'd rather get dirty with Deadpool.

It sounds even better when you say it like that. I'm bidding 2500!

- (UPBEAT POP MUSIC) - (NORA SIGHS HEAVILY)

Hey, Dave. Yo, dude.

Which pair of shoes do you like best?

Uh. Those, although it depends on where you're going.

- Is it a party? - In a way, yes.

- OK. Will there be dancing? - Not for me.

Toodles, poodles!

I don't know.

I just noticed that you were eating for two,

so this lunch with me would be such a great deal for you.

Jann.

- Oh. Hey, Todd. - Hey.

You look so elegant.

And when you get dressed up,

- there you are! - (PHONE RINGING)

One second.

- Oh. Hey, Max. - Hey, Max! You look so elegant!

Thanks, Todd.

Hey, Jann, did you by chance tell Mom

that she was going to the charity event with you?

Because she seems to be picking out an outfit.

I didn't invite her.

But while I have you on the line,

how much would you pay to watch me eat?

- $300. - American?

Give me some credit, Maxie.

I'm not an old lady confused about going to a charity event.

I'm just planning my funeral, for God sakes.

Uh... you guys are way too much drama.

Miss you, guys!

Jann, I want to introduce you to my new client, Nia Taylor.

- She's been dying to meet you. - You're here!

You were like, legit inspiring to me.

- How sweet. - Quick question.

Uh, why did you retire? 'Cause I was all like,

- "What? No!" Why though? - (TODD WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Not retired. Just rebranding.

- That's tight. - So how did you two meet, Todd?

Long story short, I met him at a Red Lobster.

Oh. Well, he's very allergic to shellfish.

He came for the biscuits.

- Left with a client. - Of course.

I was a waitress singing "Happy Birthday"

- to my table. - Oh.

It was so beautiful, I was moved to tears. Ruined the biscuits!

When Todd told me he was a manager

and wanted to represent me,

I quit right then and there.

- Oh, impulsive! - So far, no regrets.

In the future, when you're retelling that story,

you might wanna let people know that it's gonna be long story long.

Ah.

I have an idea.

I'm so bad.

I just want Jann to sit near me.

Don't tell anyone or I'll get you fired.

- Got it. - I can't wait to show Jann my tattoo.

- Who is that? - It's Jann!

- Oh, is it? - Yes, it just looks a little off

because it's covering an old Michael Bolton tattoo.

I'm off him now.

Oftentimes, people say it looks like Guy Fieri.

I don't know why.

Well, would you look at that.

We're sitting together.

Can I get some more wine?

It's really good to see you.

I'm Nigel. My husband and I have seen you in concert

11 times.

Listen, Cyn, I really owe you an apology.

Such a thoughtful and kind human being.

I should not have stood you up after I made out with my ex

- in front of those young boys. - I'm sure you had your reasons.

I should have told you the truth.

I was being selfish.

So self-aware!

- Wow! - Thank you.

- I appreciate the apology. - Do you?

You don't seem that appreciative.

I'm fine. Let's just move on.

Jann, I got this for you.

Oh, Dog the Bounty Hunter!

I like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

This is so important. We all have to do our part

in restricting the high-density polyethylene plastics

- in the oceanic gyres. - What are you actually talking about?

99% of the ocean's plastic is deep under the surface.

There's an ocean expedition cleanup coming up.

- You should come with me! - Can you swim?

- Excuse me. Excuse me. - Of course I can!

- Excuse me, coming in! - Todd!

Were you feeling left out? I'm sorry.

Yeah, Todd, were you feeling left out?

No. I just want you to know,

not only can I swim,

I'm wearing spandex swim shorts under my slacks right now.

Why?

It's my prototype for male Spanx.

I was hoping to pitch one of the Dragons here tonight.

What do you look for in a friend?

- No new friends. - O-M-G. Same. Totally same.

Nigel, your donation to tonight's cause

is incredibly generous.

Wow, Cynthia, could you stop kissing my ass?

I'm embarrassed for you.

- Your hair is like spun gold. - (PHONE CHIMES)

- Excuse me. - Sure.

Tell her she looks amazing dead, period.

But she's not taking those pearls with her,

exclamation point.

Winky face emoji.

- You are everything. - (HOST): Thank you so much

for coming this afternoon. You've been so generous.

And speaking of generosity,

our first performer, Nia Taylor, is all about that giving.

I've met her. There's not much there.

She didn't want us to make a big deal about it,

so please don't kill me, Nia,

but Miss Taylor has graciously agreed to donate

her performance fee from tonight back to the charity. Yes!

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Yes! Yes!

(TODD): She did?

You're here for nothing!

I'm bringing awareness to the ocean...

- Nothing! - (HOST): Ladies and gentlemen,

Nia Taylor!

- Yes! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Cale! Do I have to do that?

No way, girl. I'm not throwing my cut into the oceanic gyre.

Hell yeah. Thank you.

(SLOW R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

? I could hardly believe it ?

? When I heard the news today ?

? I had to come and get it straight from you ?

Wow, she'd look great on my calf!

? You said you were leavin' ?

? Someone swept your heart away ?

Charley, Sam, Frankie, can you come here, please?

- Everything OK, Gram? - More than OK.

I had some of my favourite rings turned into jewellery for you.

Did you bring us anything else?

Girls, say thank you, Grandma.

- Thanks. - Thanks, Gran.

Werther's.

- In my purse. - (BOTH): Yay!

Oh, I love this. Are you sure you wanna give it away?

Oh, I love the idea of you enjoying them now.

Well, no point in letting old rings sit in a box until I die!

Ahem.

Maxie, did you say something?

No. I was just clearing my throat.

Well, this is really sweet.

Thank you so much, Gram.

Charley, I could use some help with something else.

I wanna choose what song they'll play at my funeral.

Oh...

Did you know that you can get your ashes

pressed into a vinyl record?

Oh, score one for cremation!

Uh... yeah.

Do you have a favourite song?

I have two, but I can't decide between them.

Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow"

and OutKast's "Hey Ya!"

Well... one is bittersweet and has a really great message

- about moving forward and... - But the other one

would encourage my mourners

to "shake it like a Polaroid picture."

OK. This is warm enough.

(CHUCKLES)

? How can I blame you ?

? When I built my world around ?

? The hope that one day ?

? We'd be so much more than friends ?

- I know what you're doing. - What?

You're trying to poach another one of my clients.

And I will not allow that, Cale.

Literally nothing about you is threatening, Todd.

If you make a move on Nia,

I will consider it an act of war.

And do what?

? How am I supposed to live ?

OK, Todd.

- You're not wrong. - I'm not?

I could take her away if I wanted to,

- but I don't want to. - Why not?

Because Nia likes you.

And I don't steal happy clients.

Oh. OK.

Besides, the client I already stole is kind of a handful.

Nope.

Not edible. That is a real tire.

? ?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Well, you are a hard act to follow, Nia!

And now, our next act is Jann Arden!

(NIGEL GASPS) Finally!

(CHEERING)

That's my best friend!

Go, best friend!

Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you very much.

This next song is dedicated to ocean garbage.

We're coming for you, ocean garbage!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Uh... there's also a... very special person here tonight.

- You know who you are. - Oh, no, no.

- This is for you. - Oh, yes, yes!

? I loved you ?

? More than anything ?

? I loved you ?

? More than anyone ?

? You were the peaches in my cream ?

? You were my setting sun ?

This woman's inability to read social cues is beyond.

? ?

? You were my favourite hockey card ?

? You were my smoky little bar ?

? You were my cherry popsicle ?

? You'll never ever know ?

? I was so in love ?

? I lost myself ?

? I was so far gone ?

? I could not get out ?

? I had disappeared ?

? I had slipped away ?

? I was so in love ?

- ? With you, baby ? - Oh!

I am dying and now I am deceased.

? Hey ?

? Yeah ?

? Oh, oh ?

? Yeah ?

- ? Oh, yeah ? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

? Hey... ooh! ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

(DOOR CLOSES)

(WHISPERING): Cynthia!

Cynthia?

Cynthia? Oh, God!

- Please leave me alone. - Oh, hey!

Where have you been?

I've been looking all over for you!

Did you like the song? I kind of put a fresh new spin on it.

No! I did not like the song!

Well, you were kind of blushing when I was sitting on your lap.

Out of humiliation!

- Oh, that's a bit harsh. - I asked you to stop.

Why wouldn't you stop?

Because sometimes, you can be really hard to read.

Like right now, for instance.

I can't tell if you're upset

or you're hungry or...

This was a work function for me.

I would have never done that to you.

Well, obviously, because you cannot sing your way out of a paper bag.

- Really?! - OK,

a reusable cloth bag!

- (CYNTHIA SCOFFS) - Whatever's better for the ocean.

Cynthia?

Cynthia, can you help me up?

(SOFT POP MUSIC)

Can I get a second opinion about something?

Oh, Jesus.

I'm thinking about what I want done with my remains.

I'm considering composting.

You're a landscaper.

Would my remains be of use to you?

That would... be the most eco-friendly choice.

- Why are you encouraging this? - I don't know.

The other option is burial with your father,

though that would mean I would be on top.

Oh, that doesn't feel right. I was never on top.

- Oh, the girls are fighting. - No, they're not.

Yeah, I'm going for other reasons.

If I decide on cremation,

you have to tell them to take my pacemaker out

before I go in the incinerator. Otherwise, ka-pow!

Oh, my God! Mom! Enough.

Beg your pardon?

I don't wanna hear another word about your burial

or your funeral or my goddamn inheritance.

You're not dying!

We all gotta go sometime.

- (PHONE RINGING) - Oh.

Hey, Jann.

If somebody serenaded you in front of a whole bunch of people,

including some very important business colleagues,

would you find that romantic?

- No. I wouldn't. - A lot of people did, Max,

because they were recording it on their cellphones.

You did that to Cynthia? Tell me you're joking.

No joke.

I'm serious.

Well, I would find that highly embarrassing

and I would never wanna see your face again.

Well, how the heck are you supposed to show someone

- that you love them? - Jann,

love isn't about big displays of affection.

It's about the little things.

It's about listening when someone has something to say,

or... or considering their needs as much as your own and...

I just heard that out loud.

I have to go.

Can you repeat that last half? I kinda tuned out.

Max?

The girls' lunches are all ready to go.

Thanks.

I'm sorry that I blew up at you earlier.

I was just thinking about myself

and my feelings, and not yours.

I just had a baby.

I want you to be around for a long, long time,

and I... I can't even... think about you being gone.

I understand.

I didn't mean for it to seem so... serious,

but I need to take control of some things in my life

- while I can. - I get that.

And the most important thing for me right now is to make sure

that I am not a burden to you, girls.

I want everything to be taken care of

so that you don't have to worry about anything.

Thanks.

You know, just to be clear, I was just upset earlier.

- You know, I... - Mm-hmm.

I do want my inheritance.

Well, all that's left is the pearls,

and I'm taking those with me.

- Mm. - (CHUCKLING)

(SOFT POP MUSIC)

What? (SIGHS)

Oh, what the...

- (SIGHS) - (DOORBELL RINGS)

(SIGHS)

- Hi. - Hey. Here you go.

It's the centrepiece from the charity dinner.

I know. I was there.

So you know that it's not edible.

What do you expect me to do with that?

It's a peace offering. If you don't want it,

- chuck it in the ocean. - Oh, Jesus.

I am so sorry about today.

I was trying to do something nice,

and I know that the...

- lap dance went too far. - Well, thank you.

I like that you go big, but that was too big.

I will try and be small.

Well, thanks for coming by and bringing your garbage.

Well, what are you... what are you doing right now?

I'm just fighting with my duvet cover.

It's one of the worst things about being single.

Definitely.

I once got caught in my own duvet cover

and I was stuck in there for a good part of the afternoon.

- You fell asleep? - I did.

You want some help?

This is so much easier.

Well, you know what they say...

- ? It takes two, baby ? - (CYNTHIA LAUGHS)

(BOTH): ? It takes two, baby ?

? Me and you ?

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(SNORING)

(JANN CLEARS HER THROAT)

Ahem!

(CYNTHIA SIGHS)

Woopsie-daisy!

Your name is Daisy, right?

(CYNTHIA CHUCKLES)

Hey. If we're gonna do this,

I don't want us to make the same mistakes

and keep repeating these patterns.

Maybe we should do some couples counselling.

Deal. I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

I... I kinda tuned you out. I didn't hear the last part.

? Ooh, hoo ?

? Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo ?

? Hoo, hoo ?

- Ow! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah!

Yeah, honey!

Yeah, darlin'!

You know what I'm talkin' about!

You know where I'm comin' from!

You know what I'm saying' now, baby!

'Cause I love you!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ?

You wanna sing somethin'?

? No, oh, oh, oh ?

Is anybody gonna yell "cut"?

This is gonna go on forever.

(MAN): Cut!

(LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE)

? I am cool and I'm wise ?

? And I'm larger than your life ?

? I am bigger than the sun ? ? Watch me burning to the end ?

? Of all time, I'll be fine ?

? Watch me breaking through finish line ?

? Finish line ?

? I am an army ?

? I don't do what I'm told ?