Original subtitles

GOOD MORNING, MOM.

OH. GABE, HONEY. WE NEED TO TALK.

MOM, I DIDN'T DO IT! THAT PRINCIPAL'S OUT TO GET ME.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE PRINCIPAL.

MOM, I DIDN'T DO IT! THAT TEACHER IS OUT TO GET ME.

GABE! YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE.

THEN WHY DO WE NEED TO TALK?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT YOUR DAD.

NOW YOU'RE AWARE THAT HE OCCASIONALLY SNORES, RIGHT?

MOM, THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE STREET ARE AWARE.

CAR ALARMS ARE AWARE.

KANSAS IS AWARE.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I'M USED TO HIS SNORING

'CAUSE I GREW UP NEXT TO TRAIN TRACKS.

BUT YOUR FATHER'S BEEN WAKING TOBY UP

AND I'M TRYING TO GET THE BABY TO SLEEP

THROUGH THE NIGHT.

HOW DOES THIS INVOLVE ME?

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TEMPORARILY

CHANGE OUR SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS.

MAN, YOU'RE PUTTING TOBY IN WITH ME?

NOT EXACTLY.

HEY, ROOMIE!

( rock music playing )

♪ TODAY'S ALL BURNT TOAST ♪

♪ RUNNING LATE AND DAD JOKES ♪

♪ "HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY LEFT SHOE?" ♪

♪ I CLOSE MY EYES, TAKE A BITE ♪

♪ GRAB A RIDE, LAUGH OUT LOUD ♪

♪ THERE IT IS UP ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THERE, I SURVIVED ♪

♪ SO JUST TAKE MY ADVICE ♪

♪ HANG IN THERE, BABY ♪

♪ THINGS ARE CRAZY ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW YOUR FUTURE'S BRIGHT ♪

♪ HANG IN THERE, BABY ♪

♪ THERE'S NO MAYBE ♪

♪ EVERYTHING TURNS OUT ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ SURE LIFE IS UP AND DOWN ♪

♪ BUT TRUST ME, IT COMES BACK AROUND ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA LOVE WHO YOU TURN OUT TO BE ♪

♪ HANG IN THERE, BABY. ♪

( doorbell rings )

( slight gasp ) THERE HE IS.

MR. VICTOR DELESEUR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE SMARTEST GUY AT SOUTH HIGH.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, TEDDY?

WHAT? DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO WANT SOMETHING?

CAN'T I JUST INVITE YOU OVER

AS A FRIEND TO ENJOY SOME--

OKAY, SO HERE IT IS.

UM, I'M TAKING THE S.A.T. THIS WEEKEND

AND I REALLY WANT TO ACE IT.

AND I YOU MY HELP, SINCE YOU KNOW

I SCORED A PERFECT 2400.

THEY ACTUALLY DID A FEATURE STORY ON ME

IN "OVERACHIEVERS MONTHLY."

YEAH YEAH, I KNOW. I CUT IT OUT

AND PUT IT IN MY SCRAPBOOK.

- REALLY?! - NO.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? WILL YOU HELP ME?

UNDER ONE CONDITION...

IF I TUTOR YOU, YOU HAVE TO AGREE

TO DO WHATEVER I SAY NO MATTER WHAT.

FINE.

NOW JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT IN RETURN.

DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO WANT SOMETHING?

CAN'T I JUST DO IT OUT OF THE GOODNESS--

OKAY, HERE IT IS.

I WANT YOU TO COME TO THE PARK WITH ME THIS SATURDAY.

WAIT. YOU MEAN LIKE A DATE?

I WOULD NEVER ASK YOU OUT.

YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,

I HAVE CERTAIN INTELLECTUAL STANDARDS.

INSULTED, YET RELIEVED.

SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO AT THE PARK?

I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT CHESS MATCH

AND I'D LIKE YOU TO WATCH.

- THAT'S IT? - THAT'S IT.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME SORT OF CATCH.

NO CATCH. JUST CHESS.

IS CHESS A EUPHEMISM FOR SOMETHING?

LIKE SOME SORT OF WEIRD COMIC BOOK ROLE-PLAYING THING?

NO.

OKAY. FINE.

IF YOU TUTOR ME, I'LL COME TO THE PARK

AND I'LL WATCH YOU PLAY "CHESS."

NO, NOT "CHESS."

JUST CHESS.

YOU MEAN, "CHESS."

NO! NOT "CHESS."

JUST CHESS!

THIS MAY BE THE TOUGHEST TUTORING I'VE EVER DONE.

( baby-talk ) OH, THAT IS SO YUMMY.

ISN'T IT GOOD?

CHARLIE, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CUTER BABY IN YOUR LIFE?

- YES. - WHO?

ME.

YOU ARE YOUR MOTHER'S DAUGHTER.

HI, MOM. HI, CHARLIE.

PJ, I NEED YOUR HELP.

SURE, MOM. WHAT CAN I DO YOU FOR?

IT'S A FUN LITTLE WAY OF SAYING,

"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?"

PROCEED.

I REALLY NEED TO PUT TOBY DOWN FOR A NAP.

BUT CHARLIE WANTS ME TO READ TO HER.

CAN YOU DO IT?

OH, YEAH. SURE. I GOT TIME FOR A

QUICK LITTLE-- WHOA! HELLO.

CHARLIE WANTS THIS BOOK?

WOULD YOU RATHER CHANGE TOBY'S DIAPER?

COME ON, BUDDY.

"THE LITTLEST UNICORN."

"BY EMILY PRETTYBLOSSOM."

- YAY. - OKAY. CHAPTER ONE.

"SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT UNICORNS AREN'T REAL,

BUT THEY ARE.

THEY HAIL FROM A MAGICAL PLACE

CALLED BUTTERFLYLANDIA."

OH, BOY.

KEEP GOING.

"THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE OF THOSE UNICORNS,

THE LITTLEST ONE OF ALL.

HER NAME WAS JUNIE. HER REAL NAME, THAT IS.

HER MEAN BROTHERS CALLED HER

'JUNIE THE PUNY UNI.'"

THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.

NO, IT ISN'T.

SHH.

"ONE DAY, JUNIE AND HER FAMILY

WENT TO THE MEADOW FOR A PICNIC.

THE MEADOW WAS RIGHT NEXT TO THE DARK FOREST,

A PLACE JUNIE WAS FORBIDDEN TO GO.

BUT HER CURIOSITY GOT THE BETTER OF HER."

- UH-OH. - I'M THIRSTY.

SUCK IT UP. JUNIE'S IN TROUBLE.

SO, WHAT'S THE ANSWER?

( sighing ) UH...

"C"?

NO NO NO, IT'S "B"!

WELL, I WAS CLOSE.

TEDDY, THIS IS THE S.A.T.s,

NOT HORSESHOES!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'VE BEEN GOING AT THIS FOR A WHILE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP.

STOP? BUT THE TEST IS SATURDAY.

YOU CAN'T STOP NOW.

LET'S MOVE ON TO MATH.

- IN A PARALLELOGRAM-- - YEAH, VICTOR.

I DON'T THINK I CAN STUDY ANYMORE.

I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN IS FULL.

THAT'S THE GREAT THING ABOUT BRAINS,

THEY NEVER GET FULL.

EVEN SMALLER ONES LIKE YOURS.

OKAY.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, MY FRIENDS CONSIDER ME VERY SMART.

YOU MEAN LIKE IVY?

WELL, AND OTHER FRIENDS.

YOU MEAN LIKE SPENCER?

LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.

"AND AS THE SUN SET ON THE DARK FOREST,

JUNIE REALIZED SHE WOULD

HAVE TO SURVIVE THE NIGHT ALONE."

ARE YOU SCARED?

NO.

( voice trembling ) ME EITHER.

OKAY, BEDTIME.

FIVE MORE MINUTES. WE WANNA FINISH THIS CHAPTER.

I'M SORRY, HONEY. BUT CHARLIE NEEDS TO GO TO BED.

THAT'S THE KIND OF PARENTING THAT DROVE JUNIE AWAY

FROM THE GREEN PASTURES OF BUTTERFLYLANDIA.

OKAY. WELL, IT'S BEDTIME

AND I'M FROM THE LAND OF "I-DON'T-CARE-IA."

COME ON, CHARLIE.

AND DON'T WORRY. I WON'T READ AHEAD WITHOUT YOU.

PROMISE?

PROMISE. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

I SAID GOOD NIGHT.

( groaning ) OH.

GABE.

YEAH, DAD?

YOU AWAKE?

NO, DAD.

YOU WANNA TALK?

NO, DAD.

YOUR MOM USUALLY LETS ME TALK ABOUT MY DAY A LITTLE.

IT HELPS ME FALL ASLEEP.

( sighing ) OKAY, DAD.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

WELL, I WAS OVER AT MRS. FISHER'S TODAY...

WORKIN'.

( sighs ) HAD TO KNOCK DOWN SO MANY SPIDERWEBS.

SHE FINALLY CAME UP TO ME AND SHE SAID,

"BOB, DID YOU MISS A WEEK?" I SAID,

"NO, YOU JUST HAVE A LOT OF SPIDERS."

GOOD NIGHT.

GABE?

( exhales )

DAD, IF YOU CAN'T SLEEP, JUST WATCH SOME TV.

BUT IT'S BEDTIME.

IS IT?

- ( TV turns on ) - WHOA!

WHOA WHOA!

TV AFTER BEDTIME?

HOW OFTEN YOU DO THIS?

UM...

THIS IS, UH-- THIS IS MY FIRST TIME, DAD.

NOW, IF THE SEMICIRCLE ARC "AB"

HAS THE LENGTH SIX TIMES PI,

AND THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE CIRCLE

WITH THE DIAMETER "BC"

IS EIGHT TIMES PI...

WHAT IS THE AREA OF THE SHADED REGION?!

UM...

"B."

- WRONG! - OH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I'M GIVING YOU A PUNISHMENT TO TRAIN YOUR BRAIN.

VICTOR, I'M NOT A CAT.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

A CAT COULD HAVE SOLVED THAT EQUATION.

IT'S MIDNIGHT. WE'RE DONE WORKING.

WE'RE DONE? JUST BECAUSE...

( mocking ) "IT'S MIDNIGHT."

( fake sobbing )

YES, THAT IS WHAT I SAID.

JUST WITHOUT THE HURTFUL ATTITUDE.

AM I WASTING MY TIME HERE?

DO YOU WANT THIS?! I DON'T THINK YOU WANT THIS!

I DON'T WANT THIS.

SIT DOWN AND OPEN THAT WORKBOOK.

THAT'S IT. WE'RE DONE. YOU'RE FIRED.

- FIRED? - YUP.

TERMINATED, DISMISSED,

SHOWN THE DOOR.

OOH, WE'RE WORKING WITH SYNONYMS.

YES, WE ARE. NOW GET OUT!

EXIT!

SCRAM!

MAN, WATCHING INFOMERCIALS.

I'VE GOT A KERNEL STUCK IN MY TOOTH.

DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

SHH SHH SHH SHH.

FOOTSTEPS! SHUT IT DOWN!

OH, SURE. IN HERE YOU DON'T SNORE.

( snoring )

THERE IT IS.

3:10 TO YUMA.

( air horn blows )

RISE AND SHINE.

VICTOR, I FIRED YOU.

WRONG.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "C"--

I CAN'T BE FIRED.

( air horn blows )

VICTOR.

IT'S 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHERE ELSE WOULD I BE?

GEE, I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE AT HOME... ASLEEP,

CLUTCHING SOME KIND OF A SCI-FI ACTION FIGURE.

TEDDY, YOU AGREED TO DO WHATEVER I SAID.

NO MATTER WHAT.

WELCOME TO "NO MATTER WHAT"!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

( chuckles ) CRAZY ABOUT LEARNIN'.

AND THAT'S THE ONLY TIME YOU'LL EVER HEAR ME

DROP A "G."

LISTEN CLOSELY BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO DROP A "G."

"O" AWAY!

THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS GOOD.

YOU'RE FRUSTRATED,

YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

EXCUSE ME?

THIS HAPPENS WHENEVER I'M WORKING WITH SOMEONE.

THERE ALWAYS COMES A MOMENT WHEN THEY WANT TO QUIT.

ACTUALLY, YOUR BREAKING POINT CAME LATER THAN USUAL.

WHICH MEANS THAT YOU'RE ONE OF MY MOST PROMISING STUDENTS.

REALLY?

OH, YES.

I AM VERY IMPRESSED.

YOU'RE A STAR, TEDDY.

OH. ( laughs )

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT STAR.

IS MY STAR READY TO GET TO WORK NOW?

( bashfully ) WOULD YOU STOP THAT?

I'M GONNA GET DRESSED. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

STAR. ( chuckles )

HEY, MOM.

HI.

HELP ME OUT HERE.

I'M MEZRAB.

HELP ME OUT A LITTLE MORE.

I'M MEZRAB MAGICPENNY,

THE LEGENDARY HALF-WIZARD, HALF-UNICORN,

WHO JUNIE MEETS IN THE DARK FOREST.

I THOUGHT THIS WOULD HELP MAKE THE STORY COME ALIVE.

FOR CHARLIE?

YEAH, OKAY. YEAH.

HONEY, I'M SORRY.

CHARLIE'S STILL SLEEPING.

WELL, SHOULD I WAKE HER UP?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S WAKE UP TOBY TOO. MAKE IT A PARTY.

- OKAY! - NO! GET BACK IN HERE!

I'M KIDDING.

YOU CAN'T READ TO CHARLIE THIS MORNING.

SHE'S GOT PRESCHOOL.

AW, MAN.

WELL, CAN I AT LEAST HAVE SOME BREAKFAST?

SURE.

HAVE A BAGEL.

WHAT, NO CREAM CHEESE?

( chanting ) IF YOU DON'T KNOW THEN LEAVE IT BLANK.

WHEN YOU SCORE HIGH THERE'S ME TO THANK!

( chanting ) GEOMETRY IS REALLY A BREEZE.

RIGHT TRIANGLES ARE 90 DEGREES.

SOUND OFF! ONE, TWO!

PI IS 3.14.

COME ON NOW, LET'S HEAR THAT VOICE.

NEVER GUESS ON MULTIPLE CHOICE.

GO AHEAD AND DO ONE MORE!

EIGHT SQUARED IS 64!

NEXT TIME WE SHOULD TAKE A CAR.

( panting ) I'M NOT USED TO RUNNING THIS FAR.

( rock music playing )

( music stops )

WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 1:00 IN THE MORNING.

ALSO KNOWN AS STORYTIME.

OKAY, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, YEAH.

JUNIE WAS AT THE CAVE OF SHADOWS.

"AS JUNIE ENTERED THE CAVE, SHE WAS SCARED,

BUT ALSO VERY CURIOUS.

SHE CREPT AHEAD CAUTIOUSLY."

I'M TIRED.

YEAH, WELL, SO WAS JUNIE. BUT SHE KEEPS GOING.

ALL-NIGHT BOWLING-- DAD, YOU'RE AN ANIMAL!

- PJ?! - DAD?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UH, NOWHERE.

WHY IS CHARLIE UP?

NO REASON.

WHY IS GABE UP?

NO REASON.

WHAT'S WITH THE BOOK?

WHAT'S WITH THE BOWLING BALL?

NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED.

NONE OF WHAT EVER HAPPENED?

LET'S GO, DAD.

HE CAN KEEP THIS UP ALL NIGHT.

KEEP WHAT UP ALL NIGHT?

"SUDDENLY TWO BRIGHT GREEN EYES OPENED WIDE

AND LIT UP THE ROCKY DEN AND JUNIE

STOOD FACE-TO-FACE WITH A GIANT FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON!

HE OPENED HIS MOUTH AND ROARED--"

PJ?!

MOM!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT ONLY WORKS WITH YOUR DAD.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

IT WAS CHARLIE'S IDEA.

SHE WANTED TO FINISH THE BOOK.

OH, OKAY. SO CHARLIE GOT UP

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

CALLED YOU AT YOUR APARTMENT

AND TOLD YOU TO COME OVER FOR A BOOK SESH?

SHE'S A SCAMP.

COME ON, CHARLIE.

GOOD NIGHT, PJ.

WELL, WHAT'S SHE DOING TOMORROW?

PRESCHOOL.

AGAIN?

THAT'S EVERY DAY NOW?

MORNING, GABE.

I WANT HIM OUT.

- WHO? - DAD.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT A WINK IN 48 HOURS.

EXCEPT A QUICK LITTLE NAP DURING MATH CLASS.

IS THIS ABOUT HIS SNORING?

NO!

I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF FREEDOM

AND HE WENT CRAZY.

YEAH.

DAD DOES BETTER WITH RULES.

LOTS AND LOTS OF RULES.

I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

YOU GOTTA TAKE HIM BACK. TONIGHT.

CALM DOWN, OKAY?

THIS IS YOUR DAD WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

LET'S SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT.

WE'LL FLIP A COIN.

HEADS, YOU'RE STUCK WITH HIM;

- TAILS, HE'S MY PROBLEM. - DEAL.

PLEASE BE TAILS. PLEASE BE TAILS. PLEASE BE TAILS.

HEY. WHATCHA DOIN'?

FIGHTING OVER YOU.

SO WHO WON?

( groans ) GABE!

YES!

WELCOME BACK.

( doorbell rings )

- HI. - SO?

HOW'D THE TEST GO?

WELL... OF COURSE I WON'T KNOW FOR A WHILE,

BUT I THINK I DID REALLY WELL.

NOW, IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR AGREEMENT,

YOU NEED TO ACCOMPANY ME TO MY CHESS MATCH.

RIGHT RIGHT, THE "CHESS MATCH."

TEDDY, IT'S JUST A CHESS MATCH.

SURE. OKAY.

WELL, WHAT DO I HAVE TO WEAR?

A BIRD SUIT OR A ROBOT OUTFIT?

ACTUALLY, WHAT YOU HAVE ON NOW IS PERFECT.

COME ON, ANDREW. IT'S YOUR MOVE.

IT IS?

OH, RIGHT.

CHECKMATE.

WHAT?

NO! IT CAN'T BE!

CURSE YOU, DELESEUR!

WE'RE DONE HERE. THANK YOU, TEDDY.

NERD BAIT.

NOT MY FINEST HOUR.

Well, Charlie. I got my S.A.T. results back

and let's just say I did pretty well.

I'm trying not to be supercilious.

Did I use that right?

Who cares? Test's over.

Hey, check it out. The sequel to

"The Littlest Unicorn" just came out.

"Revenge of the Littlest Unicorn."

Have you seen Charlie?

Uh, yeah. And she told me

to tell you that she's not home.

Man! Well, who am I supposed to read this to?

Hello, Toby!

Okay, chapter one.

"Junie had an axe to grind..."

Well.

Sounds like there's gonna be a beatdown

in Butterflylandia.

Better wish Junie some

good luck, Charlie.

CHARLIE, ARE YOU READY TO GO TO THE PARK NOW?

NO!

( groans )

PJ, THANKS TO THAT STUPID BOOK YOU READ HER

CHARLIE'S AFRAID TO GO OUTSIDE.

SHE THINKS THERE'S A DRAGON OUT THERE.

THERE IS.

WILL YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO YOUR SISTER

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT'S REAL AND WHAT'S NOT?

OKAY, CHARLIE. IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

UNICORNS ARE REAL, DRAGONS ARE NOT.

OKAY. ARE YOU READY TO GO NOW?

NO.

OKAY, MOM. I GOT THIS.

CHARLIE, THERE IS NO DRAGON OUT THERE.

LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU.

( roaring )

( coughs )

TOLD YOU.