Original subtitles

OKAY, EVERYBODY. LISTEN UP.

NOW THAT WE HAVE THE NEW BABY,

THE DUNCAN'S ARE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO

OUR SUMMER VACATION...

- YAY! - YES!

( grunts )

LIKE WE USUALLY DO.

THERE'S ALWAYS MORE.

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS MORE?

SO, THE PLAN IS TO HEAD UP

TO THE MOUNTAINS FOR A FEW DAYS.

DAD GOT A GREAT DEAL.

- OH, NO. - THIS IS BAD. - THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.

OKAY, I KNOW I GOT A REPUTATION

FOR FINDING LESS THAN STELLAR

ACCOMMODATIONS.

BUT THIS TIME, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

WE'RE GONNA BE STAYING IN A BEAUTIFUL, RUSTIC CABIN

ON, UH...

DEAD MAN'S LAKE.

WHAT WAS THAT?

HMM? UM...

( burbling ) DEAD MAN'S LAKE.

ARE-- ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY

DEAD MAN'S LAKE?

I'M TRYING NOT TO, ACTUALLY.

OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS. ONCE YOU GET PAST THE NAME,

THE PLACE IS AMAZING.

DEAD MAN'S LAKE?

WHAT, ARE WE GONNA CATCH SOME DEAD FISH,

OR HIKE THROUGH SOME DEAD TREES?

( laughs ) YEAH.

CLIMB ON SOME DEAD ROCKS.

OR LIVE ROCKS, WHATEVER.

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

THAT SOUNDS REALLY NICE.

AND I FOR ONE,

AM LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME

WITH MY FAMILY.

WE MADE A LOT OF KIDS, BOB.

THAT ONE TURNED OUT GOOD.

IVY, HI. OKAY, SO LISTEN UP.

BIG PARTY AT MY HOUSE THIS WEEKEND.

MY FAMILY'S GOING AWAY

AND I'M GOING TO PRETEND TO BE SICK.

SO GET THE WORD OUT THAT...

THE DUNCAN FAMILY

IS GOING ON A SUMMER VACATION.

( chuckling )

IT WAS IVY. I WAS TELLING HER

ABOUT THE BIG TRIP.

HONEY, THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU SAID IN THERE.

THAT WAS VERY SWEET.

YEAH, WELL, IT NEEDED TO BE SAID.

( coughing )

ARE YOU COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING?

OH, NO. IT'S JUST A LITTLE TICKLE.

I'M SURE I WILL BE FINE FOR THE WEEKEND.

FAMILY FUN!

YAY! ( coughs )

OH. THERE IT IS AGAIN.

( rock music playing )

* TODAY'S ALL BURNT TOAST

* RUNNING LATE AND DAD JOKES *

* "HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY LEFT SHOE?" *

* I CLOSE MY EYES, TAKE A BITE *

* GRAB A RIDE, LAUGH OUT LOUD *

* THERE IT IS UP ON THE ROOF *

* I'VE BEEN THERE, I SURVIVED *

* SO JUST TAKE MY ADVICE *

* HANG IN THERE, BABY

* THINGS ARE CRAZY

* BUT I KNOW YOUR FUTURE'S BRIGHT *

* HANG IN THERE, BABY

* THERE'S NO MAYBE

* EVERYTHING TURNS OUT ALL RIGHT *

* SURE LIFE IS UP AND DOWN *

* BUT TRUST ME, IT COMES BACK AROUND *

* YOU'RE GONNA LOVE WHO YOU TURN OUT TO BE *

* HANG IN THERE, BABY.

OKAY.

SO, I THINK WE HAVE ALL THE ESSENTIALS.

WATER BOTTLES,

SUN SCREEN,

BUG REPELLANT.

LAPTOP,

HANDHELD,

GAME CONTROLLER.

GUYS. WE'RE ONLY GOING FOR THREE DAYS.

THREE DAYS?

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE GAMES.

HONEY, WHERE'S TEDDY?

HERE I AM.

TEDDY, ARE YOU SICK?

YES, AND I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO--

( coughs )

FAMILY VACATION FUN TIME.

OH.

BOB, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

CANCEL THE TRIP?

OH, NO, NO. YOU GUYS GO.

IVY CAN COME AND STAY WITH ME,

AND MRS. DABNEY'S RIGHT NEXT DOOR.

I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW.

PLUS, I WOULD HATE TO GET THE BABY SICK.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

ISN'T IT?

HEY, WE CAN KEEP AN EYE ON HER

WITH THE HOME MONITORING SYSTEM.

WITH-- WITH THE--

WITH THE WHAT NOW?

LAST WEEK I DID A PEST CONTROL JOB

FOR A HOME SECURITY COMPANY.

THEY GAVE ME A SYSTEM FOR FREE.

LOOK.

GOT A CAMERA RIGHT OVER THERE.

SO IT'S ON ALL THE TIME?

24-7.

SO, WHILE WE'RE IN THE MOUNTAINS,

WE CAN WATCH THE FEED THROUGH MOM'S COMPUTER.

AND KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.

YAY.

HEY. GUYS,

COME ON, LET'S GO!

BYE-BYE, TOBY.

CHARLIE, HONEY, THE BABY'S COMING WITH US.

OH, NUTS.

UM, WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO SAY THAT?

OH, HONEY, BABY NEEDS A CHANGE.

OH, NUTS.

SO THAT'S IT OVER THERE, HUH?

Teddy: YUP.

OUR NEW SECURITY SYSTEM,

ALSO KNOWN AS THE PARTY KILLER 9,000.

WHY 9,000?

IT'S FUNNIER WITH A NUMBER.

( chuckles )

IS IT?

SO, WILL YOUR PARENTS BE ABLE TO HEAR US?

NO, THERE'S NO SOUND.

THEY'LL JUST BE ABLE TO SEE US.

THEN I GUESS WE GOTTA CANCEL THE PARTY.

WRONG.

I HAVE A PLAN.

( doorbell rings )

AND HE'S RIGHT ON TIME.

VICTOR.

COME ON IN.

IVY, YOU KNOW VICTOR.

PRESIDENT OF SOUTH HIGH'S AUDIO VISUAL CLUB.

THANK YOU FOR USING MY FULL TITLE.

I DON'T ALWAYS GET THE RESPECT I DESERVE.

THIS IS YOUR PLAN?

VICTOR THE LOSER?

IT'S PRONOUNCED DELESEUR.

VICTOR, I WANTED TO INVITE YOU

TO A PARTY TONIGHT.

SO, YOU, UH,

FINALLY GOT RID OF THAT DUMB JOCK, SPENCER?

NO. HE'S JUST OUT OF TOWN.

OH, PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM I SAID THAT.

( sighs )

LOOK, VICTOR.

WE NEED SOME AUDIO VISUAL HELP.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CAMERAS?

( laughs )

DO I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CAMERAS?

OH MAHN DORE TOOL-EE-ELL LAY?

OH, WELL, THAT'S ELVISH FOR

"FROM WHAT LAND DO YOU COME"?

ELVISH?

I SLIP INTO IT WHEN I'M EXCITED.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS I KNOW EVERYTHING

ABOUT CAMERAS.

NEXT TIME, JUST SAY IT LIKE THAT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WH-- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WELL, TO TELL MY MOTHER THIS WASN'T A TRAP,

AND SHE MAY PROCEED BACK TO HOME.

WOW.

( "oohs" and "aahs" )

I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, DAD.

THIS PLACE IS PRETTY NICE.

OH. HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

SPOOKY PORTRAIT.

WHO CARES ABOUT A STUPID PICTURE?

I THINK WE CAN CALL THIS A WIN.

YEP. THE EYES FOLLOW YOU.

WELL, I THINK IT'S VERY NICE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, CHARLIE?

WHY IS TOBY HERE?

OKAY, YOU REALLY GOTTA LET THAT GO.

COME ON, LET'S GO CHECK OUT YOUR ROOM.

COME ON.

WELL, AS LONG AS THE PICTURE'S

THE ONLY SPOOKY THING ABOUT THE PLACE,

I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

- AFTERNOON. - ( yelling )

WHO ARE YOU?

NAME'S WILLARD.

I'M THE CARETAKER.

BEEN WORKING HERE 30-ODD YEARS.

AND THEY HAVE BEEN ODD.

OKAY.

WELL, WE'RE THE DUNCANS.

UM...

WE'RE RENTING THE PLACE.

OH, SURPRISED TO HEAR THEY'RE STILL RENTING IT OUT

AFTER THE...

INCIDENT.

INCIDENT? WHAT INCIDENT?

I'VE SAID TOO MUCH.

COULD YOU AT LEAST TELL ME

WHAT KIND OF INCIDENT IT WAS?

HAPPY INCIDENT, FUN INCIDENT?

WELL, I'D BETTER BE GOING.

WAIT, WAIT. BEFORE YOU GO, UH,

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS GUY?

SURE I DO.

THAT'S COMMODORE ELIJAH T. DEADMAN.

THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED DEAD MAN'S LAKE.

- OH. - ACTUALLY, NO RELATION.

WELL, ENJOY YOUR STAY...

IF YOU CAN.

IF YOU CAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN

IF YOU CAN?

YOU SEEM A LITTLE TENSE.

HERE.

THIS MIGHT HELP.

A COUPON FOR DEAD MAN'S MASSAGE?

UNFORTUNATE NAME.

GREAT VALUE.

( drawers open )

GABE?

- YEAH? - STOP MESSING WITH ME.

STOP? I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED.

YOU MADE ALL THE DRAWERS POP OPEN.

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

DID THE DRAWERS HURT YOU IN ANY WAY?

NO.

WERE YOU HUMILIATED?

NO.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY WORK?

( coughing )

( sneezes )

OKAY. GOOD FAKE SNEEZE.

NOW CHECK YOUR TEMPERATURE.

YOU'VE GOT A FEVER.

SHOW ME SOME CONCERN!

OH!

AAH!

OOH!

WHOO!

YOU'RE HOT. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BURST INTO FLAMES.

JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING.

NO. WE DON'T WANT IT TO BE INTERESTING.

WE'RE CREATING BORING FOOTAGE OF YOU BEING SICK.

THEN I'LL INSERT IT INTO THE VIDEO FEED,

AND THAT'S WHAT YOUR PARENTS WILL SEE

WHILE WE'RE PARTYING.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, VICTOR.

( clears throat ) EXCUSE ME?

( sighs )

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, MR. PRESIDENT.

OKAY, IVY. YOU'RE ON.

OKAY.

NOW TASTE IT.

MM!

MM-MM!

YOU LOVE THE SOUP,

YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE WITH THE SOUP.

DON'T WE HAVE ENOUGH VIDEO?

AND CUT.

OKAY. QUESTION ABOUT THE PARTY.

WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENS AT A PARTY?

WELL, HAVEN'T YOU EVER BEEN TO ONE?

NOPE.

ALTHOUGH, THE MEETINGS OF THE AV CLUB

CAN BE QUITE RAMBUNCTIOUS.

ON TIME, GARY'S MOTHER MADE POPCORN! ( laughs )

YOU KNOW, T,

AT SOME POINT, WE HAVE TO ASK OURSELVES,

IS IT WORTH IT?

CHARLIE, YOU CAUGHT A FISH!

THIS IS DADDY'S.

THAT ONE'S MINE.

SHE'S CONFUSED.

NO, I'M NOT.

OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG NOW, OKAY?

SO, WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO, HON?

WELL, TOBY'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONG NAP,

AND I HAVE BEEN ENJOYING THIS NOVEL.

BREATHLESS ETERNITY?

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

SOME HUNKY GUY WHO LOST HIS SHIRT.

SO, HOW'S TEDDY BEEN DOING?

LET'S FIND OUT.

( typing )

Amy: OH, POOR GIRL.

SHE LOOKS MISERABLE.

( dance music playing )

YEAH, UH-HUH!

WOO! YEAH!

YEAH! I FEEL LIKE VICTOR DA WINNER!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PUTTING TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN WORKING ON IT?

THE SPOOKY PORTRAIT,

THE DRAWERS THAT OPEN BY THEMSELVES,

THE FREAKY CARETAKER...

DON'T LAUGH AT ME,

BUT I THINK THIS HOUSE IS HAUNTED.

( creepy laughter )

DUDE! I SAID DON'T LAUGH AT ME.

THAT WASN'T ME.

WHEN I LAUGH AT YOU, IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS.

( laughs )

RIGHT?

SO WHO WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S JUST THE WIND.

- ( scoffs ) - ALL RIGHT?

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

IF WE BUILD A NICE, CHEERFUL FIRE.

FIRE'S GOOD.

FIRE WILL WARD OFF EVIL SPIRITS.

- RIGHT. - PLUS WE CAN MAKE S'MORES.

HEY, HAND ME THAT OLD NEWSPAPER.

LOOK AT THIS.

"MURDERS AT LOCAL HOUSE."

IT'S-- IT'S-- IT'S THIS HOUSE.

THERE WERE MURDERS HERE.

( thunder )

GIVE ME THAT.

"THE SHERIFF MADE A GRUESOME DISCOVERY TODAY

WHEN THE BODIES OF A VACATIONING COUPLE

WERE FOUND AT A CABIN ON DEAD MAN'S LAKE."

I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG

WITH THIS HOUSE.

IT'S A MURDER HOUSE.

THANK YOU, DAD.

JUST CALM DOWN.

JUST BECAUSE THERE WAS A MURDER HERE BEFORE,

DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S GONNA BE MORE.

( thunder )

TELL HIM THAT.

( screaming )

( screaming )

PJ, GABE.

IT KNOWS OUR NAMES!

IT'S DAD! THE MURDERER'S DAD!

( whimpers )

HEY, WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?

I'M JUST CHOPPING SOME FIREWOOD.

DAD, THERE WERE MURDERS IN THIS HOUSE.

- ( groans ) - LOOK AT THE NEWSPAPER.

WHERE'S THE PAPER?

THE NEWSPAPER'S GONE!

THE NEWSPAPER'S-- OH, THERE IT IS.

WOULD YOU PLEASE CALM DOWN?

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

- EVENING. - ( yelling )

JEEZ! YOU'VE GOT TO STOP DOING THAT.

JUST CAME TO CHECK AND SEE IF YOU WERE STILL HERE.

WHY WOULDN'T WE BE?

NO REASON.

GOODNIGHT, NOW.

WAIT.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?

THE MURDERS?

YEAH. THEY WERE NEVER SOLVED.

MOST PEOPLE UP HERE THINK THE KILLER WAS...

( thunder )

I'VE SAID TOO MUCH.

YOU NEVER SAY ENOUGH.

PLEASE, FINISH YOUR SENTENCES.

SOME FOLKS THINK THE KILLER IS THE ANGRY SPIRIT

OF COMMODORE ELIJAH T. DEADMAN.

( thunder )

OF COURSE OTHER FOLKS HAVE A DIFFERENT THEORY.

OKAY. WHAT'S THAT?

THAT IT'S ME.

- ( creepy laughter) - ( thunder )

WELL, SHAGGY AND SCOOBY

ARE CONVINCED THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED

BY A KILLER GHOST.

BOB, COME HERE. LOOK AT THIS.

IVY'S GIVING TEDDY SOUP.

SO?

SO, SHE'S GIVEN HER SOUP

THREE TIMES IN THE LAST HOUR.

IT'S LIKE IT'S ON A CONTINUOUS LOOP.

YOU THINK TEDDY'S UP TO SOMETHING?

SHE'S MY DAUGHTER.

I KNOW SHE'S UP TO SOMETHING.

OF COURSE, SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER, TOO,

SO SHE SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PULL IT OFF.

HEY. TEDDY'S NOT PICKING UP.

( phone beeps )

YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

HI, MRS. DABNEY,

IT'S AMY DUNCAN.

NO, DON'T HANG UP.

( dance music playing )

( people chattering )

Teddy: SHH! GUYS-- GUYS.

( music and chatter stop )

HI, MRS. DABNEY.

WHAT'S UP?

YOUR MOTHER CALLED

AND ASKED ME TO CHECK ON YOU.

SAID YOU WERE SICK.

OH. ( coughs )

YEAH, I'VE GOT A REALLY BAD COLD.

SO YOU PUT ON A PARTY DRESS?

IT ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT CHEERS ME UP?

BUSTING KIDS WHO LIE TO THEIR PARENTS.

REALLY? THAT CHEERS YOU UP?

WE ALL HAVE OUR THINGS.

OKAY, MRS. DABNEY.

YOU GOT ME. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

LUCKY FOR YOU,

THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE MORE

THAN BUSTING KIDS.

WHAT'S THAT?

GETTING MY PARTY ON.

( chuckles )

OKAY, SO...

IF I INVITE YOU TO THE PARTY,

THIS STAYS BETWEEN US?

YOU GOT A DEAL.

AH, COME ON IN.

LET ME CALL YOUR MOTHER

AND TELL HER EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

THEN I'LL BE BACK.

OH, ONE QUESTION.

ARE KIDS THESE DAYS STILL DOING "THE HUSTLE"?

WHAT'S THAT?

OOH. YOU ARE IN FOR A TREAT.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR CHECKING

MRS. DABNEY.

I'M SORRY TO HAVE BOTHERED YOU.

( phone beeps )

I DON'T GET IT, SHE SAID

TEDDY WAS LAYING ON THE COUCH,

SICK AS A DOG.

THAT'S NICE.

HI, MOMMY.

MAY WE HELP YOU?

CHARLIE GOT SCARED,

AND THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

IF WE ALL CAME AND SLEPT WITH YOU.

NO, I DIDN'T.

SHE'S EMBARRASSED.

OKAY, JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

( grunts )

( giggling )

( chuckles )

HEY!

WHY DO LITTLE KNEES

ALWAYS FIND THAT SPOT?

- OH. - ( giggles )

( dance music playing )

IS THIS A GREAT PARTY OR WHAT?

NO, REALLY. I'M ASKING.

I HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE.

WHERE'S MRS. DABNEY?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE COMING OVER?

MAYBE SHE COULDN'T FIND SOMETHING TO WEAR.

WHERE'S YOUR TURNTABLE?

I'M READY TO BOOGIE!

( creepy laughter )

OKAY, WHAT WAS THAT?

IT'S THE GHOST.

- OR THE KILLER. - OR THE KILLER GHOST.

OR THE GHOST KILLER.

BOB, WAKE UP.

I'M UP!

I'M UP. I'M UP.

( creepy laughter )

BOB-- BOB, TURN ON THE LIGHTS.

- ( flips switching ) - THEY DON'T WORK.

( thunder )

QUESTION.

WAS THAT WALL DRIPPING RED OOZE

THIS AFTERNOON?

FOLLOW UP QUESTION,

DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THE FLOATING CANDELABRA?

GET OUT!

GET OUT!

( screaming )

WHOA!

LAST SUMMER IT WAS US.

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN. ( laughs )

( screaming )

- ( thunder ) - ( screaming )

HE'S GOT A KNIFE!

YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE...

WHEN YOU LEARN YOU'RE ON "SCARY HOUSE."

( game show music playing )

WHAT'S GOING ON?

"SCARY HOUSE."

AMERICA'S FAVORITE NEW REALITY SHOW.

WHERE WE TAKE AN AVERAGE FAMILY,

AND CONVINCE THEM THEY'RE STAYING

IN A HAUNTED HOUSE.

THIS WAS ALL A PRANK?

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU MADE US LOOK LIKE FOOLS.

YOU PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.

WE'RE GONNA BE ON TV, YOU SAY?

Willard: When the Duncans checked into "Scary House,"

they had no idea what they were in for.

( laughs )

( shrieks )

WOW, MOM. THAT WAS QUITE A SCREAM.

YEAH, THAT WAS PJ.

And if you want to see something really scary,

check out what we saw on Mama Duncan's laptop.

( coughing )

( dance music playing )

WHAT WAS THAT?

UM...

THAT IS CALLED "THE HUSTLE."

IT WAS A VERY POPULAR DANCE MOVE IN THE 1970S.

AND WHAT WAS IT DOING IN OUR LIVING ROOM?

LOOK, MOM. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ALL THESE

QUESTIONS.

BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO MY VIDEO DIARY.

HI, CHARLIE.

WELL, WE HAVE HAD QUITE A WEEKEND.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S ALL BEHIND US NOW,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET IT

AND MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES.

SOME OF US

WON'T BE MOVING ON WITH ANYTHING

FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

- ME? - YEAH.

CAN YOU DIG IT?

( sighs )

WISH HER GOOD LUCK, CHARLIE.

( disco music playing )

OH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO GO ON?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

THAT'S IT. GET YOUR GROOVE ON.

FAR OUT, MAN.

I CAN DIG IT.

- HOWDY, FOLKS. - ( screams )