Original subtitles

Like, I keep trying to fit the parts into the parts, and they're both

too many parts and not enough parts.

And I'm highly aware that I keep saying the word "parts".

We've tried.... every way.

That... does not fit into that.

Yeah. Mm-hm.

We should probably start calling "that"...

Olivia. (gurgle)

I could swear there's way more male buttons than female buttons.

Well, that's the bloody patriarchy for ya! Yeah.

I'd like a woke Babygro please!

We have to stop stressing!

Today... (gurgle) I am going to find the joy of being in the now

with a baby called Olivia! Mm!

Not everything fits,

but everything works.

Ta da!

(farting, burbling, crying)

(gags)

Did you have to do that?

(music)

Hiya!

Oh my God!

Cute baby, Joy!

(Satanic choral music)

Thank you!

I mean... it's not yours,

but by all means gobble up the compliment!

Yeah, I'm helping out a friend who's working on her marriage,

she's gone away with her husband today to talk things through,

and hopefully they'll have all the problems ironed out

before close of business today.

My parents are always telling me that I'm the reason they broke up?

Which is nice. Aw.

Are you trying to to the same thing?

Aw, honey...

She won't be able to answer you, she's a baby.

I know, Joy. It was rhetorical.

Ooh, somebody swallowed a dictionary! (laughs)

Don't come any closer, Joy!

(Satanic choral music)

I find babies massively intimidating.

Ha ha!

Heard the baby talk, Joy!

And just so you know...

if she gets hungry or anything...

you know, you can...

Don't feed the baby fig rolls, I know!

Ha ha ha! No, I meant...

You know, happy to help out!

I meant to stop myself ages ago, but

here I am! Mum of two!

Sorry, are you suggesting that you would...

take... What?

That's just disgusting! That's just disgusting!

That is disgusting! That is disgusting!

That's disgusting! That's disgusting!

I meant I would hold the baby, Joy.

Yeah, and I have formula, Karen.

Good.

Use it.

I used to hate babies too, Phillip!

Never said I hated them, Joy.

But they change you. You change. I can't explain it!

Joy, it's not your baby!

I used to think they were quite gross,

but they're quite good, aren't they?

Once you can hand them back!

(laughs) Totally!

OK, em, let's get down to business.

So this week was good!

It was, em...

funny!

You know the whole hashtag volcel thing blew up, which was...

quite a surprise, to all of us here...

And then the snogging in the chipper thing

was a fun pivot away from that...

You know, a nice development in the ongoing quest for happiness.

Thank you. Super-planned.

OK, well, if you could let us in on those plans in the future,

because we're a team here?

Gotcha.

And I do think that we can bag

a permanent sponsor if we continue to carve out our niche uniquely.

Unique-ness.

Yes, I've been watching Flora, and loads of other unique people,

and I wanna be exactly like them!

Today, I'm gonna find the joy of parenting,

with this little munchkin-head.

I think a lot of parents, like me...

Joy, there are no parents like you.

Maybe there's not many,

but there's some.

Stan? I think, if I can get parents to be at one with their children,

the whole joy of parenting is just gonna flow more naturally!

Do you know what? I'm gonna do bullet points for Trish, when I'm done.

Do you know one thing that I have learnt from being a parent?

Having been a parent to a baby that's not yours?

It's just, you know... A baby that you've basically had for an hour...

I think that, it's just like... and has been asleep for the majority...

y'know, you get so caught up... of the time from what I can see?

with "where's the time for me?" No, I don't think so, I think

she's been in the pram, I think... "How do I fit her into my life?"

Knock knock in there, you're missing everything! I think maybe we just

need to take a moment? Have a cup of tea, and... Just slow down and...

relax! You know? They grow up so quickly!

Stan, they grow up so fast!

Alright.

(music)

Honest quezzie? Shoot.

Are you worried about seeming...

patronising and insane?

No! Next quezzie?

No further quezzies!

Perfect!

Aw!

Joy...

(music)

Roughly how long are you gonna be asleep for?

(knocks) Knock knock? Who's there!

I don't get who you're playing today, eh, working mum

struggling to keep her work-life balance in check?

Yes.

For literally one day.

One whole day.

OK, I was just wondering because my mum was a single mum, and...

she raised me for more than one day, and it was hard.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

It was really hard. Mm-hm, mm-hm. I know.

All mums have their journeys, Stan but (sighs)...

don't worry, I'm pretty Zen!

Yeah, I'm... I'm not really worried about how you'll get on...

for literally one day... I appreciate your concern, Stan.

Christie was exactly the same. She was like "Joy!"

And I was like "I know!" You know what she's like!

But I dunno! Olivia's so chill when she's around me!

Now you're chill! I think she just gets my chill,

transmitted to her, or whatever.

OK.

Still asleep.

Do you know that some babies start singing before they start talking?

Really? Yeah, I know this.

I read it on the internet.

(music)

I'm here instead of Trish,

and this is baby Olivia?

No problem at all, you just sign in there, thank you.

Oh! And we'll give Olivia a sticker.

Stickers!

So cute! Ah ha.

Do you know, if you learn the tambourine early,

you'll be good at science and biz org?

Hm!

Tambourine time!

(babies cooing and crying)

(door closes)

Welcome, everybody!

Excuse me, you can't film in this space.

OK, cool.

So we're about to begin, if you'd just like to take a seat?

I don't have a baby.

Take a seat. But I don't...

Take a seat!

Yeah.

(babies cooing and crying)

Oh, Shauna's a right bruiser, isn't she?

Very large head.

I'm sure that was sore enough for you.

Emily's lovely and hairy, isn't she?

Well, I guess that makes sense, 'cause so are you...

Eh... I mean you've both got...

lovely hair on your head.

This little one

has got a bald patch at the back from rubbing her head so much,

but it'll grow back. We can always throw in a few extensions.

She's the image of you.

Oh no, that's not possible, because... sh...

I've got longer hair than she does, and her...

nose is... squashier.

But they all look the same at this age anyway, don't they?

Hope I don't take the wrong one home with me today! (laughs)

But yeah! I guess she does look like me.

'Cause after all, I did... push her right out of me! Human Aidan!

Hey, Joy.

(swoop)

(music)

(swoop)

You have a baby!

So do you!

I do.

(shouts) Isn't it something?

(shouts) Isn't it!

Is this your first time?

First time, yeah, tambourine time, yay!

Yeah, it's lots of fun!

Isn't it fun?

Isn't it just the most fun ever?

Yeah!

OK, everyone, let's pick up our tambourines,

and shake!

Let's try to connect with each other,

and our babies, through the music.

It can be lonely out there,

as a solo artist.

And... (shakes tambourine)

Shake 'em!

(babies crying, tambourines shaking)

Yay!

Baby!

(swoop)

Five... four... Five... four...

(slap) My wee's on there!

Two... one! One!

(sighs) It's a no!

(laughs) It's a no!

(sighs)

It's no! Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time.

It's no. (swoop)

(music, babies crying, tambourines shaking)

(music)

Joy! Joy!

I can't actually believe I'm seeing you, and you've got a baby!

Congratulations! Yes, exactly!

I mean... she's gorgeous, how old is she?

Oh! Eh, she's... a year! Or whatever, give or take.

A... a y...

Em.... Och, she's a year, minus... seven months...

carry the one... em, add all the days...

minus all the days, you know the way you work it out like that?

So she's three months!

But I'm not a slave to the calendar, Aidan, that's not my jam.

God, wow, well, I mean... she's... big for three months!

Well, I'm not into body-shaming babies, Aidan.

Oh no, it's just, like, she's got, like, all of her teeth!

Well, she's very advanced! What's your point, caller?

Aaah! But anyway, enough about us! Yours is nice!

Yeah. Yeah, she's amazing!

We're thrilled!

We?

Yeah, so I needed, like, another party? To...

Oh, I know all about that!

Yeah, me and Sarah.

Told you!

I told you you guys should be together! Told ya!

(laughs) Sickened! Sickened, Aidan!

Sickened!

Actually, it wasn't long after...

I don't need to know.

I know how babies are made!

Woo! Ha.

Sure didn't I make one myself, with...

With?

With...

This really, really, really, really,

oh! Really beautiful...

Australian yoga stunner, with...

tiny pores.

So I'm not exactly sweatin' in here, mister...

And he's an Aries!

He's an Aries!

An Aries!

Wow. Yeah.

I know.

I've to go. We have to go, don't we, Olivia? Don't we, Stan?

Don't we, everyone? Yes, we do, that's right. Goodbye Aidan!

Oh, Joy!

Joy...

Sorry... eh...

Ooh! Coo-ee!

Ah! Keep meaning to set up Deliveroo for this one!

Yeah.

So, em... look...

I mean, I haven't seen you in a year,

do you wanna go and get a cup of tea or something?

Oh, I'd love to, but I really don't want to, so I can't.

I mean...

Ju... I don't drink tea, any more, after 11 AM, I'm so sorry...

That's cool...

I mean, we can go get a glass of milk, or a Pepsi?

Yeah, I just...

Thank you, but I... I... I'm really busy,

I have a lot of things to do this afternoon.

Cool.

What are you doing? Will. I'm gonna do him.

Will is my baby-daddy, that's his name, and...

I have plans to... meet him and... do him.

OK.

Well, that's.... impressive.

Seeing as you're baby's only three months old, and

has this massive head, so like...

good on ya!

Well, I.... snapped right back!

(clop)

So... which way are you and, eh... Mr Aries guy headed?

Yeah, gonna meet him...

I guess, all around here....

and then we're gonna... here...

Wanna go back inside and maybe have a cup of not-tea? Or water?

(music) Stan, I better go and help this guy out.

Nice buggy, by the way.

Suits you, the buggy. Thanks.

So is Sarah quite large now?

No, no, not at all...

(music)

(swoop)

(sighs) Oh!

Hey, how about I just threw everything off course here

for a second, and... told you I was falling in love with you?

(swoop)

Stay positive and keep it real, remember?

It's all chill with Will!

Stay there!

(chair scrapes)

(clatter)

For some crazy reason that guy over there

thinks that I'm the baby's mum and you're the dad!

Bonkers, some people are so weird!

Get fucked!

And do you know what else is really chill and not bonkers at all?

You playing along with it, and me explaining it all to you later?

Does that sound namaste, is that chill with Will? No!

You can't pretend to be the mother of someone else's child, Joy!

That's too much!

Please! Please! I just need to get through the next half an hour, Will,

please, please, please, please! This is gonna screw with my karma!

Please, Will! It's insane!

Labels, Will, please! No! Please. No!

You're not some rabid dingo that can just run off with a kid!

Exactly! I'm not... I'm not running off with it forever!

That's what makes me a good dingo, I bring the baby back!

You're not a dingo, Joy! Please.

Please, Will! No. Please. No!

Please, Will, please! Please, let's be dingoes together! No!

Please, Will, please!

Please please please please!

How many times can I say no?

(gasps) Oh, brilliant! OK!

(chair scrapes)

This is Human Aidan!

How is my little furry friend?

Well, mate, I'm not gonna lie, that's... that's kinda harsh.

Oh, no! Sorry... he's talking... you're talking about Canine Aidan!

The dog!

Yeah. No, he's good!

I think he's completely over you,

which is great... Oh, OK...

And, eh... who's this little bundle of fun here?

(laughs hysterically) Such a funny fucker!

Ha ha ha, keeps it so fresh!

When he does that, you little gag monster!

Well... congratulations.

Ah! Thanks, mate.

Yeah, I guess 300k subscribers is quite a lot! (laughs)

(laughs nervously)

No! Phew. For once.

Not my baby. Ha ha ha.

Will?

Don't look at me, I haven't...

had an accident, haven't done that in years!

No, your... we... Will...

will you change the baby?

Not part of the deal.

(whispers) Play the daddy!

(phone rings)

(baby cries)

Oh, gotta go. OK, honey...

(whispers) Be the daddy, be the daddy!

You... was it.. one...

(baby cries)

(Satanic choral music)

(Trish's voice) Hi Joy!

Hi!

Just checking in, hope everything's OK with Olivia.

Yeah! Olivia's in safe hands! (baby cries)

She's in the safest hands!

Eh.... OK, bye!

Oh!

Honey... Honey-face...

Em... could you go and change... our baby's bum?

Oh, gross, no way!

No.

(laughs) He's like a stand-up comedian, isn't he?

Can you take the baby? Oh. Sure!

Ha ha ha ha!

He's my rock.

He makes me feel like me,

but better.

Yeah, he's great.

Do you know what? Aidan, I actually really needed a wee anyway, so...

Perfect! Will, I'll get it! I'll change her!

Will, I'll... I'll take her!

You relax!

He's wrecked!

Poor guy.

Oh! (music)

In.. we... pop!

Do you want a hand? No, no, I've got it.

I'm literally doing this all day and all night.

Its arm...

No, no, she's grand, her arm goes that way.

But that one, that arm...

They're all individuals, Aidan, they all do their own thing.

Gas, aren't they?

You're like a supermom! Yeah, I am!

Thank you!

Oh, that's stuck there, isn't...? Yeah, no, it's good,

it's a new buggy that... you're better off doing it this way with it?

Oh yeah.

It's just, it's new technology with a...(groans)

Just move that table, maybe.

It's cool, I got it!

Yeah! Ah, sure, I'm doing it anyway, it's fine!

Yeah, I have it.

(grinding)

Got it! Off you pop!

I have that now, yeah!

(baby gurgles)

See you later, supermom! Thank you!

(music) OK, OK.

Shh shh shh!

Hello-lo-lo-lo! Dur dur dur dur!

Oh, this is gonna be

absolutely perfect! Yes, and ducks, and...

(creak) geese and all the different things

(creak) (sings) that we have to do with

the nappies! (creak)

You're being rude!

OK! Now!

Now! We just...

Ohhh, we're going!

Ahhh!

Shh shh shh shh! (baby cries)

Oh my God, you stink!

Oh!

Oh, good God!

(baby cries)

OK, we'll, em...

OK, hang on...

(sings) Ducks and geese!

(baby cries)

(sings) Oranges, will go...

(gags) What's Trish feeding you?

Oh my God!

Ohhh my God!

(baby cries)

Ah!

I think that they... self-stick.

Oh!

(baby cries) I hear ya!

I hear ya!

I hear ya! (baby cries)

Shh!

(baby cries)

(sings) Everything nice!

You're kidding me!

(baby cries)

Now!

Sorry that took so long!

The flap kept collapsing.

Oh, doctors say that's extremely common after a natural birth.

(Sigh) Oh, listen, Joy, I'm just gonna come straight out

and say it, it's just so weird the way your baby looks like Trish!

Oh my God.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Aidan! (piano music)

I just thought it would be fun to say that she was mine,

because I didn't know anybody in the class, and then all of a sudden...

(laughs)

You were there.

And you were there.

And I...

It's OK, Joy. I mean...

It makes sense! You're just... you're not a baby person.

Well, maybe I wasn't a baby person with you.

(piano music)

Maybe.

Catch you guys later!

Yeah, maybe.

Idea?

Why don't we ditch this baby idiot

and go and make out on O'Connell... Grafton...

other cool Irish things like that?

Will, I'm not ditching the baby.

OK. Well, you know what?

I'm outta here.

It's been fun, Joy, it really has,

but I've got some major Irish landmarks to go and take selfies at

for the fans, and eh...

babies, you know, they're not part of the brand!

Make every second count, that's what I say!

Oh, and, eh... that baby?

So negative!

See you later guys, oh, and eh...

don't forget to subscribe!

Yeah, I won't.

Hey, what's up, everyone, so I'm about to go see some statues!

Apparently all the statues in Ireland move!

He's so funny!

He seems really nice.

He is.

Aidan, I'm really glad things worked out for you.

(piano music)

It's good to see you, Joy.

It's good to see you.

Hey!

Gotcha!

(piano music)

Ha ha!

There's a knack to them, deffo!

Easy peasy does it!

(door slams)

This is... nice.

Mm.

I've never had a bath with, eh...

a girlfriend, before.

(laughs nervously) No.

Yeah, deffo, like...

Me neither.

(music box plays)

(door opens) I'm here! I'm here!

Oh fuck, how did Olivia get outside?

Trish? Hey! How did it go today?

Joy... the key was in the door!

How long has it been there?

Three? Four? Five hours?

(whispers) Dunno!

(sighs) You are amazing.

(laughs)

How do you do it? I dunno how you do it!

I don't think I am doing it!

Girl. You are doing it.

Did you find out that babies actually aren't that "relaxing"

after all?

Trish, I don't care what anyone says, parenthood is hard!

Literally everyone says that, Joy!

Do they?

Yeah! They're right!

(piano music)

Thank you for today, Joy.

Thank you for trying.

(slapping)

Hm?

So tired!

(piano music)

(swoop)

(door slams)

Night night, Canine Aidan.

I know you met him today, but I'm OK,

because I know you're OK!

You know, Canine Aidan...

maybe I could be a baby person?

I'm your baby, Joy! You lunatic!

(music)

Subtitles: RTE 2020.

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