Original subtitles

Gratitude,

Gratitude!

Peace and love!

Go!

Chuffed to tell you guys

about the joy I'm getting

from my Smart Pants!

Smart-y Pantzz!

Smarty Pants!

...zz! Zz!

They're comfy,

environmentally friendly,

and they come with advanced period-proof technology,

for mad menstruators like you guys!

There's even...

a really...

handy... pouch,

for a hot water bottle at the front!

(In American accent) Bitch, I ain't got no time

for cramps!

And if you're not happy,

they come with a sixty-day money-back guarantee, gee, what, Emer?

That's gross!

Hey, Joy, not your problem.

Let's take it from

"Ah lads,

they're bleeding

deadly."

Ah, lads!

No, Emer, sorry, I can't,

I can't say that.

Joy, periods aren't just for girls any more?

Uh, yes they are!

Are they not?

What I'm saying is...

I'd like to move away from the idea that periods

are gross and embarrassing.

Monthlies are a real challenge.

From a marketing perspective, like.

You girls don't even realise.

Joy, try running in slow-mo with your mates.

Did you guys not know you can still run while you have your monthlies?

'Cause you totally can!

Yeah.

Oh, and don't forget to use the blue liquid.

She's not a Smurf, Phillip.

Yeah. Totally not a Smurf.

But Smurfs are happy, and I think it's so important

to see the positivity in everyone and everything!

Gratitude!

Oh... my God.

Flora is on another all-expenses-paid, luxury promo trip

to the Maldives!

Oh, for fuck's sake, Emer!

(music)

Joy, numbers were good for last week's challenge,

but we need to boost our subscription base.

And do you know who isn't finding us?

Sponsors with cool products?

People outside Dublin.

People from the countryside just...

aren't connecting...

with you, Joy.

Any idea why?

I mean, no...

I'm pretty relatable.

Definitely.

And yet...

And yet...

Pfpflp! OK, I have managed to secure two sponsors

who are willing to put up good money,

but only if we reach beyond Dublin.

And I shouldn't need to tell you

that we need this.

No! I got this!

Guys, boggers love me!

Eh...

I know that's hate speech, before you send me for re-training.

I was owning it.

You were owning it?

Yes.

It was a private joke

between me and the guys from the countryside.

OK. Reaching your subscription base beyond the M50 is

perfect timing for this week's challenge...

Are you ready?

Mm-hm!

Steady?

Yeah.

Go. It's a crossover piece

with beloved,

handsome,

Aussie vlogger

Will Dack.

I don't know him! What's his channel called?

"Beloved Handsome Aussie Vlogger"!

He's very popular,

Joy!

The piece will be!

Will will

be finding Irish joy?

Will will he?

Oh!

I love that guy!

Joy, this is exciting for you!

Oh my God, what's that thing that he says?

"Do not waste your time worrying because...

just don't!" just don't!"

What?

Genius!

And oh, his skin!

Ah... I'd wear his skin.

Karen, we did talk about this?

Shared office...

private meeting.

OK, Will's visiting rural Ireland for the first time...

Wural Ireland?

And he wants to know, what brings joy...

Wu-ral Ireland. ... to the Irish today?

OK, we can only film him in Dublin

before he hits the countryside. Wural. Wural Ireland.

But, your pieces will be on his channel,

introducing you to his followers, him to yours,

as he travels across the land, connecting with the people.

Joy, think of the exposure!

Yeah, but if I'm not accompanying him,

should we bother?

(heavenly music)

His skin is like

a wax nectarine! a wax nectarine!

It's wearable! It's like a baby's arse with a beard!

So people are relating to skin right now?

Oh my God, skin is everywhere this year!

OK, if it builds the brand, then...

I'm just gonna be professional and try to make it work.

(gasp) Try and find a pore.

I literally can't see one!

Guys, he doesn't have any!

Not one. Is that HD?

Oh! Alabaster!

It's not that alabaster...

It's this, like, out-of-body experience?

This... this Uber X comes,

and picks you up, and brings you to this nearby town,

eh, that has everything.

So I've had a massage,

I'm having, like, this little facial done,

and then I just feel revived and ready to go back again.

It's...

it's incredible, I'm having

the best time!

(blows raspberry)

I can't wait to fill you in more...

Yeah! Well...

How are ye, Joy?

Oh, it's just so hard, Karen!

Trying to figure out what makes people happy,

just feels like such a big responsibility, you know?

All the other Youtubers are getting free trips to the Maldives,

and these smart pants are really

wedging on my arse, to be honest, Karen.

Mm. I better get back, I'm just...

trying to finalise a list of recommendations for the UN

on how to prevent children as young as five

being recruited into guerrilla warfare.

Oh.

Joy, did you know that I'm a marketing guru?

Yes, guru. I'm qualified.

And if you want to increase your numbers as a lady person,

there are some secret marketing tips, you know?

OK, so the basics are...

Smile more,

let the man feel in charge and supported,

be really cute and likeable?

That's an instant upgrade!

(laughs) OK, thanks a million,

Guru Phillip, you absolute dinosaur!

So where's the tips for men?

Pfp!

Oh! Eh, a new thing that some women are trying which is fun

is being confident!

Confidence is very 2020.

But not confident in a threatening way,

not-threatening confidence,

that's the best way to connect with people.

Sounds kind of contradictory.

But it actually isn't?

Shall I run through it again?

Please don't run through it again.

Look, I know you've got your meeting with Will Nectarine, so

I'll give you this one for free.

Sex... sells.

Sex and romance!

I mean, if Love Island has taught us anything,

it's that people from the countryside and cities,

which is to say everywhere,

they love sex!

They wanna have sex...

with everyone!

Stop you there.

That's just not for me, though, pal.

I'm all about trying to be my true self?

Not manufacturing click-bait romance.

Also, I'm hashtag volcel now, so...

Well, you weren't hashtag volcel when it was in,

and I did have it in for, like, a couple of minutes,

and I know, 'cause I counted.

One Mississippi...

Two Mississippi... Shh!

And, I could put it in again, if you thought...

just pop it in... (pop)

No. I'll.. Do you know what...

Em, I'm actually OK for that.

You're sure? Yeah!

OK! Thanks a mill!

Yeah, no worries! OK!

(music)

Hi! Great.

Take this.

OK. Yeah.

And also this...

OK. That! Yeah.

Eh, this definitely... Huh?

And this, if she needs to be walked, slept, woken...

where are your keys?

OK, em, they're in pocket over left... Yeah... Left...

Down... This side?

Oh! That was a bit close.

OK. Thank you!

OK!

Hiya!

She seems calm!

Now, OK.

Great...

I got...

I got all this!

Hi!

Where are you guys? I'm ready to hold the baby

for a minute.

Oh, there you guys are!

(Dog) Hi, Joy, we're sitting here...

This is nice...

just sitting. Quietly.

You're wearing that baby thing. That baby's cute.

Is he cuter than me? Maybe!

Does Joy think he's cuter than me?

Maybe! Am I a goner?

I used to sit down and think things all the time.

Think my little thoughts, and that would be it.

You're... in the toilet.

Remember when time was different?

When we were looking for ways to fill it. Yeah.

Hours of chats, then cans, then hooking up with someone...

Then 24 hours in bed...

then 48 hours of cystitis!

Bliss.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Oh, I have to find an outfit for tomorrow for work?

Specifically, it needs to scream business-class sex appeal

to an international influencer?

You know, confident, but shy.

Knows her own mind, but wants you to speak.

No nonsense, but adorable sex kitten,

intellectual, relatable everywoman,

mature, super-girly with an infectious giggle. (giggles)

So you want to be literally everyone and everything.

Correct.

Polish off your eyeballs.

(heavenly music)

His skin is like a

waxed nectarine! Waxed nectarine, I know, yeah.

Gonna be filming with him tomorrow.

Gonna show him the joys of Dublin.

His face is like seeing music.

I mean, of course you fancy him.

What? No!

Trish, I'm hashtag volcel!

No no. Hm!

I just need to dress sexy for my rural viewers.

I'm all about my career!

Well, my advice to you is

don't wear my baby, and don't be weird.

(music, party noise)

There he is, Trish!

Go!

(squeaks) Hi!

Privyet!

I'm Dave, studying the English.

You probably know that, though,

'cause I've got a book in my pocket.

Yeah.

I'm obsessed with Russia, so...

You've a very beautiful moustache.

Yeah.

I used to have one of those,

but Trish made me get rid of it.

To be fair, you could only see it in certain lights, like

I could only see it if I closed this eye,

and looked back... like, there...

I could feel it in the wind, a tiny bit.

And then I got rid of it.

I've also shaved

down there!

By which I mean my legs, Janie Macaroonies!

(laughs) Real quick, em... Mm-hm?

Do you smell burning toast?

You're having a stroke.

I think your friend's having a stroke!

I think she's having a stroke, is anyone here?

I'm fine!

Trish.

I think we both know that I am not that person any more...

(thump)

Woah!

Hoo!

I'm actually pretty wise.

What's the deal with your face?

It's just the new palette, everybody's wearing it.

Do you not have to blend it in, like, or...?

No.

Hi, what's up everyone?

Finally touched down in Ireland!

Had a legend of a taxi driver on the way in,

told me they gave Pierce Brosnan a sainthood.

(shouts) Hi Joy, I'm Will!

Ah...

(laughs nervously) Banter!

I'm so glad you got that.

What's that?

Ah, it's my sponsor.

It's a multi-vitamin rehydration beverage that

gives you the skin of a three-year-old.

With good skin.

Oh cool, I've got a sponsor,

they're wipes, for your...

wiping needs. To... Welcome to Ireland, Will!

Super stoked to be here!

Aw!

"Stoiked!"

Stoiked.

Now, you're the expert at finding joy in this town,

hoping you can bring me some joy!

Irish style!

Ooh, steady on, Will,

we've only just met!

Nah... nah.. I just meant, ah...

I know what you meant, you absolute dirtbird!

(giggles)

So I've done some research, Will,

and it turns out that Dack is a Nordic name,

so first up is the Viking Splash tour of Dublin!

Aarrr!

You alright, mate?

Yeah.

So, eh... what did the Vikings trade?

What do you want them to have traded?

I don't know, I guess maybe food?

I guess food too! Ha ha!

Well, the one thing we do know for sure about the Vikings

is they were... obsessed with their helmets!

Yeah. But they were... they were fierce, though, right?

Oh yeah, they could be so mean to other guys?

But mostly they were fierce-ly sexy!

Are you, eh... (music)

are you OK?

Yeah! Fine, I'm just being me! Just doing me!

You seem kind of nervous, are you, eh...

Having a stroke? Absolutely not!

(music)

Mate...

Oh ho ha ha ha ha! We are straight in!

Oh ho...

(music)

Aaarrr!

Will, seagulls!

Irish seagulls. Oh yeah.

They are so... Irish.

Will, look at those swans!

Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty grey...

Will, look at the s... look!

At the sky!

It's grey.

Ha ha ha ha!

It's chilly.

Are you "stoiked" now?

Yeah, this is... it's alright...

I suppose.

(seagulls)

I'm Australian, so...

I'm pretty straight up,

I'm just gonna go straight ahead and tell you that I'm cold.

And wet. And I don't do so well with cold and wet.

It disrupts my epidermis. That's okay.

Because I've lined up an amazing destination

for our next stop on the tour.

We are going straight to second base. Are you rolling, Stan?

Um, Joy, I don't really think that second base is appropriate,

given where we are?

The Book of Kells!

I don't really read so...

It's OK, Will, it's mainly pictures.

The monks who did it?

They coloured in the entire thing, those madsers!

I mean they basically invented mindfulness colouring.

And we all know how joyous that is, right?

(click)

So it's... it's not on Audible?

No, Will...

It's a joke.

(laughs)

(laughs nervously) You're so clever and handsome and funny! Ha ha!

(laughs hysterically)

Ah, look you are...

You seem really nervous.

No...

Or anxious, like...

No?

(music, party noise)

Yeah, it's much quieter here!

Yeah, that's good...

Em... could... do you wanna...?

Let's cool it, and just talk...

Mmm mmm mmm mmm! OK...

Ooh!

Oh! You know... I'm actually more of a talker than...

Let me pop these little fellas off for you here...

than a... fighter....

Em... do you wanna go down... stairs, or...

(vomits)

(music)

(sighs) I'm so sorry, Will.

I was just... nervous, I am nervous, I'm just trying to be something?

I just got so distracted by your insane skin.

And the fact that you've so many subscribers,

and you've been doing this so much longer than me.

But can I be honest with you, Will?

I have rosacea.

Ah, so the make up...

So the make up, yeah.

These lines here were added because I wanted cheekbones.

Oh yeah.

That's totally chill, with Will.

Chilly Willy!

Those... they were... ice pops, em...

we used to have in... in Ireland.

In the '90s, Chilly Willys.

Why don't I take you on the real tour of Dublin tomorrow?

Not the tourist stuff.

I would love that.

Yeah?

And no more Viking helmets, OK?

Well, never say never on that front, Will!

Sorry!

(music)

Oh my God, in real life Will is even more

of a ride!

Hashtag volcel isn't going to make it to the weekend!

Eh... bet you a tenner!

I bet you four and a half million Euro.

Oh my God, done!

(snorts)

How's your involuntary celibacy going?

My marriage is...

I know I can't be much fun to be around,

but that's OK, because my husband is literally never around.

And I know...

having a baby is hard on couples,

but I feel single in the worst way.

(music) Do you know what I'm gonna do for you?

What?

I've got it!

OK...

One of my special huggaroonarooskers.

Oh!

Oh God, you are so bad at nurturing,

it's like...

it's like getting a hug from an elbow!

Mmm, I know, I know, I know...

Oh, you think you can beat me in a stare-down?

(gurgles)

Ah, sickener, you're weak!

Like a little... baby!

Today, to keep things more... (laughs)

intimate,

I'll be letting Stan go.

Yes. Will will be covering me.

Oh!

That sounds like a stallion and his mare!

(laughs) Sounds like a total 'mare.

(giggles)

Well, thanks, Joy! I really wanna catch Christie today,

get some lunch.

Yeah, I mean...

I'll be having foodstuff with ride-features, so...

Cool.

Cool.

Cool. Cool.

Cool.

Cool! Cool. Cool.

Cool.

(music)

Coola boola. Yeah, cool.

Oh!

Ah, yes!

Cool.

Ah, Joy, what was that...

ancient Irish tradition called again?

Cans at the canal.

Hey, look, I love it.

And you're sure you don't want to be doing anything more exciting, or...?

No, it feels so great to get away from my clean image

for one half second.

Your smile is so... vast!

Right.

Are Australians born with extra teeth?

Yep.

Hey Will...

have you heard of the whole hashtag volcel thing?

What, the no sex thing?

Like, actual voluntary celibacy?

Yeah, it's a huge deal!

I accidentally committed to it on camera for a year.

Made a lot of noise online,

so I'm now wearing a virtual chastity belt.

I mean I could get up on Paddy Kavanagh here, but...

that's 'cause he's made of copper.

Thems is the rules!

Bummer.

No, Will.

That's the whole point, not even anal.

Privyet!

Hiya!

(kiss)

I have your jacket,

I didn't want it to shrink so I popped it in a cool wash?

But I think it still shrunk a little bit, but it does smell of patchouli,

I can wash it again, if you... Would you like to go out on a date,

some time? Joy, you...

puked on my...

and on my...

Russian military wear.. Russian military wear, so...

No, absolutely, definitely, that's OK, thank you so much!

(sighs)

It would have actually been nice to get to know you, it's just...

all the...

Weird stuff. I know, yeah. Weird stuff, yeah.

Be good. And, eh...

seize the means of production.

Definitely.

Nostrovia!

Marxism isn't a joke.

I'm literally never drinking again!

(shouts) Two pints of lager and two baby Guinnesses!

We don't do alcohol.

I'll have... I'll have a...

West Coast Cooler.

A Baileys. I'll have a Baileys coffee.

We don't do alcohol.

OK, fine, I'll just have...

I'll just have a glass of wine.

Do you know that they serve...

... in McDonalds in Germany, yeah.

Are you wanting cheese on your fries?

Yes please.

Ohhhhh!

I could get these chips for free!

My card... Will! Will!

I can get these chips for free!

'Cause these guys, they're... they think I'm a big deal or whatever!

It's grand!

But I've got a... I've got like a card, it's like a... gold card,

it's like a gold card, I guess. Sweet.

Yeah, that card was rescinded.

Comin' atcha from a place called Abrakebabra!

(whispers) Take this and don't say another word, please.

Eh, it's twenty Euro fifty-seven.

Shhh!

Shhh!

Shhh!

Shhh!

Shhhhhhhh!

Shhh!

Sh!

Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!

Shhh!

Could I have...

a caubignon sauvignon?

Even at three AM at Abrekadabra,

boy's got zero pores, look at that! Wow!

Hey! Hey! Now we're talking!

Yeah!

Potatoes. Chopped into smaller pieces,

and covered in cheese from cows in green fields,

it's so Irish!

I think the Yanks invented fries, no?

French fries?

Hmmm...

Mmm!

How do you have so many subscribers, Will?

You just keep doing you, Joy.

They'll find ya.

(tango music)

(laughter)

Get in there!

Ooh!

(door slams)

Mmm!

Shhhh!

(laughter)

(Christie) Stan? Are you wearing a bra?

That's my bra, for my breasts!

Joy? Stan? Sorry which breasts?

Is that your arm?

No, that's not an arm!

Oh, hang on!

(click)

Oh! Hey!

Oh! Em...

Heya!

Sorry, this is, em...

this is Will...

Hi, how's it going!

Christie.

Will. Will Dack. You know Stan.

How are ya, mate? Hiya Will!

So we might just kinda head on... We were just gonna...

Yeah, yeah.

(laughs)

I thought you were volcel?

He's... on Aussie time, so I guess we've already done it?

So I may as well just...

just go again?

(tango music)

You guys are weird!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Who's... who's this guy?

I just wasn't sure at what point...

to say anything, 'cause there was so much happening in the dark!

Em... this is Will from the internet,

this is Trish, my best mate. Hi. Hi, how are ya?

Nice to meet ya!

Oh!

Your smile is vast!

Yeah.

Hey, look, can we go up to your room?

Yeah!

Is that OK?

Yeah!

Night, Trish! Mwah!

Let's go!

Oh my God, Trish, his skin is like a waxed nectarine!

The light!

(door slams)

(sighs)

(music)

Subtitles: RTE 2020.

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