Original subtitles

[Music playing]

[Inaudible]

My name is Uwe Boll.

I'm the director of "House of the Dead"

And "Alone in the Dark."

I just saw Chris Watson's "Zombiegeddon,"

And I want to tell you, don't watch that movie.

Don't look at that movie at all.

It's not worth to pay $1 to rent it or whatever.

And I must "Zombiegeddon" is a piece of shit.

Don't take it.

Don't use it.

And don't go in connection with that movie basically.

Stay away from that movie.

Like, I, as a filmmaker... I stay away from that movie

So far as I can.

Thank you very much.

Ted Copperfield reporting live from Tempe, Arizona

Where we are receiving reports that "Zombiegeddon" is

A huge fucking piece of shit.

Now while we cannot confirm nor deny this ourselves,

We can quote one viewer who said, it's horrible.

It's tragic.

It's dog shit.

It's worse than that.

I'm going to go home now and shoot myself in the face

In order to erase the memories of this movie from my brain

Forever.

Why would normal people spend good money on a horrible piece

Of shit like this?

Well, we have Dr. Sean Easthoff with us

From the Columbia Institute of Retardation

To help answer that question.

Doc?

Uh, yes, Ted.

Glad to be a part of your show.

Doctor, what is it about "Zombiegeddon"

That it makes so bad?

Well, Ted, "Zombiegeddon" is an affront to everything

That is good in the world.

It's a vial, sickening, disgusting piece of shit.

Can I say that... shit?

You just did.

OK, then.

So it's fucking horrible.

The acting was bad, the director sucks ass,

And the producers apparently had their heads up their asses.

Doctor, is there anything good that you

Can say about this picture?

Only that it's not longer and that it

Doesn't star Ashton Kutcher.

Thank you, doctor.

Well, there you have it.

"Zombiegeddon" is a huge, steaming pile of excrement.

Now I'm back to you, fuckface.

[White noise]

[Moaning]

LAURA: Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

[Moaning]

That was the best sex I ever had.

[Sighing]

Yeah.

That was my favorite kind of sex.

What kind would that be?

Oh, you know, the kinds you don't have to pay for.

Color me surprised.

Well, what in dad's name is that supposed to mean?

You know, you... you say that as if you think that I'm crazy.

How old are you?

33.

You're 33 years old.

And you believe you're Jesus Christ?

I thought that we had been through all that.

I am Jesus.

And after all we've been through,

I would think that you'd be used to that by now.

We went through a fucking nightmare together.

If I ever see shit like that again,

I'll save them the trouble and just kill myself.

Mm-mm.

Don't do that, Laura.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Why?

Would you miss me?

Mm, no. No.

It's not that.

It's just that there's only certain things

That I could forgive.

Suicide is... is not one of them.

Well, it's been real and it's been fun.

But it hasn't been real fun.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

It means I got to get dressed and get out of here.

I'm gonna be late for work.

Why miss miss out on the greatest sex you ever had?

Come on.

We just started.

Nothing against you, but I gotta go.

If I'm not on the air soon, my listeners

Will think I died or something.

Well, look at the bright side.

If you died, then we would have eternity together.

[Sighing]

Jesus.

JESUS CHRIST: What?

I wasn't speaking to you.

I was Just taking your name in vain.

Come on. Look.

Stay awhile.

You know, get naked again.

We'll have some wine.

We don't have any wine.

JESUS CHRIST: We have tap water. We have glasses.

I'm Jesus.

I can turn the water into wine.

I gotta go.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to another day of broadcasting for KLKG.

KLKG has proudly served and all the towns in the surrounding

Area since 1955.

[Clearing throat]

KLKG invites you to sit back and enjoy the Laura Reynolds Show.

Good morning, folks.

This is Laura Reynolds coming to you live

From the middle of nowhere.

I'd like to welcome you all to another exciting hour

Of talk radio.

With us today, we have the dean of our esteemed community

College, Dean Kauffman.

Good morning, Laura.

As always, I'm glad to be here.

And we're glad to have you again.

So what's new at our ever so glamorous [inaudible]?

We don't say [inaudible].

It's community college.

Hm.

Mondays we have the art show.

And Wednesday we have the music.

And best of all, Fridays we have square dancing.

That's fascinating.

This is all fucking bullshit.

You know what, folks?

I can't hide it anymore.

I'm sick of the dean, the college, this piece

Of shit radio station, life.

I'm even sick of you, morons, because I know the truth.

None of this shit matters anymore.

None of it.

You may wonder why that is.

Because mankind will be extinct within the next 72 hours.

[Phone ringing]

That's right, kiddies.

We're all gonna die.

[Phone ringing]

So kiss your loved ones, have a mad orgy,

Buy that big screen TV, start praying,

Whatever, cause it's all over.

Let's take another caller.

[Phone ringing]

Hello. You're on the air.

PHIL: Uh.

Uh, hi.

Uh.

Uh, my name is Phil.

Howdy, Phil.

PHIL: What... what's all this talk about the world coming

To an end and everybody dying?

Are you nuts?

It's a long story.

I heard it from a man thought to be insane,

So only listen if you have the time.

For centuries we've heard about zombies,

But what we know about zombies isn't exactly true.

Since the beginning of man, there's

Been what we call zombies.

I've seen them myself.

And then there's a bloodline of humans

Blessed by God who are the only ones who can stop them.

As soon as that bloodline dies, then the zombies

Come back and try yet again to take

Over so that once again the Devil may reign over the world.

Son, listen to me.

Chances are I may not make it out of there alive.

I want you to take this.

It's a key to the truck.

If I'm not back out of there in two hours,

I want you to take the truck and drive to your mother's house.

Do you understand?

Come here.

God help us, so that when you get older

You don't have to fight these zombies.

[Music playing]

[Growling]

[Sighing]

Jeffrey, I am going to ask your mother

To take you to a psychiatrist.

Simply, Jeffrey, your behavior of late

Has been disruptive and out of control.

Thinking Miss Bates is a zombie is insanity.

And then you go around and you stab at your classmates

With pencils thinking they're zombies.

That's craziness.

I am referring you to the Student Support team.

I don't think there's enough help in this world to help you.

And then you think that the whole world is

Gonna be overtaken by zombies.

And the first stop are schools?

[Gunshot]

[Moaning]

You just shot my brother for no reason!

Fuck, no.

He was pulling a gun.

That's bullshit.

He doesn't even have a gun.

Oh, yeah, he's got a gun.

That is bullshit, and you know it.

Man, my lawyer is gonna be all over you two.

You two are so dead.

I can't wait.

[Gunshot]

Look, Cage, I know the fucking guy was annoying, but...

You know, we need another frame gun.

Did you bring it?

No.

[Sighing]

You know, there's a pawn shop around the corner.

Let's just go grab one, come back

Before the ambulance arrives.

It's all good.

All right.

So you starting to get the hang of this thing?

Yeah.

But, you know, it would be a little

Easier if you know what you're doing, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Well, just remember, always shoot to kill.

Copy that.

[Inaudi doorway to check us out again.

He's just an old pervert.

He doesn't mean any harm.

I don't see you get aroused with old man

Green checking out your body.

Sweetheart, I'm in heat.

Anything and everything looks good.

Girl, I have got to set you up.

I have so many guys hitting on me.

Every time I see one, I want to rip out their balls.

I'd say we're the odd couple then.

So, you going to Robin's party?

Nah, I think I'll study some this weekend.

Wallington's giving that big exam on Tuesday.

Suit yourself.

See you later, girl.

See ya.

[Screaming]

(SINGING) And he walks with me and he

Talks with me and he tells me...

[Screaming]

Whoa!

Now there will be no females left on the planet.

Hm.

Yes.

Yes.

This is my plan.

I do not want any females.

Well, that's marvelous, master.

That's marvelous.

Although, master, perhaps we could keep

One female to... to remember...

No more females.

No.

This is my plan.

I do not want any females.

Yes. Yes.

But what about your friend?

Will you help, my little friend?

Oh.

I should be able to work things out.

LORD ZOMBIE: If you will help me...

Yeah?

LORD ZOMBIE: we can control this planet.

Oh!

Control the planet.

I... I... I... I have passed on your instructions, master, just

As you told me, word for word.

And were they fulfilled?

Yes.

Yes.

All the... all the troops are in position.

All that they await is your command.

Well, that sounds good.

Ah, yeah.

I think we should be able to make this thing work.

Yeah, I think so, master.

But you have to stand by me, son.

I'll always stand by you.

You are my... my master.

But I thought perhaps maybe one?

No!

Oh!

What was I thinking?

Of course not.

Silly me.

It's a nice night, huh?

Hey, what's up, dude?

What's up?

Did you find everything all right, man?

Yeah, I did. Yeah.

- That's cool. - Got "The Ozone."

That's cool.

Hey, man, check this out.

What do you think of that? Not bad.

Not bad.

- Lesbians are pretty cool, huh? - Yeah.

You can't miss that girl-on-girl action.

You can't beat that.

Nope.

All right, man.

All right, man, what's your phone number?

558-3852.

3852?

Yes.

Hey, man, I'm showing that you got some late fees here.

Uh, it's $94, man.

It's for... for, uh, "Mob Days."

Damn, you must have had that one for a minute.

I'll tell you what, man.

You only have to pay half to rent all right?

So you wanna give the man half now

No, there's got to be something that... no, there's no way.

- I understand. - No.

I'm gonna have to get you to pay at least half

Of it before I can [inaudible].

But you can look at lesbians for free, though.

There's got to be some kind of...

VIDEO STORE EMPLOYEE: Well, hold on.

All right. Well, do me a favor.

Put that back on the shelf before you leave.

[Grunting]

What the fuck?

[Screaming]

[Music playing]

Help me!

I'm going!

I'm coming!

Help me!

Homos.

Help me!

Jesus Christ, Cage, I can't believe you didn't get any coke

From the evidence room.

Don't be so fucking, kid.

You know, we got to get ourselves in the DEA.

That'll make our lives 10 times better.

You don't have the slightest idea what it takes to cut

It in the DEA, all right?

You should be happy you have a job right here right now.

Fucking punk.

Holy shit, man!

What the fuck happened?

These cocksuckers pulled out in front of me.

Oh, Jesus Chr... look at this weed everywhere!

Oh, I'm gonna open up a can of whoop ass on these fuckwads.

Fuck it, man.

They just look like some college punks, all right?

- Uh-uh. - Just... wait.

Just write up a [inaudible]. Let's get the fuck out of here.

No. I'm going hot, man.

I'm taking these bastards down.

[Door slamming shut]

Why does this always have to happen to me, dude?

How you all doing?

Um, we're all right, sit.

I was just wondering why you pulled us over.

You all been doing any drinking in there?

Um, no.

Smoke anything?

No.

Anything IV?

No, sir.

Mm-hm.

Any huffing?

No.

Hm.

Y'all been passing a joint around back there, ain't ya?

No. No, we haven't

I know I saw somebody smoking something into there,

You know, carload full of kids.

Uh, he was smoking a cigarette.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah.

That was a mighty quick answer, boy.

You wouldn't be lying to me now, would you?

No, sir, I wouldn't.

Mm-hm.

You've been passing around a doobie, ain't ya?

You've been passing around a doobie?

Doobie?

What are you laughing at, boy?

What are you laughing at?

It's just funny how you use the word doobie.

It was... it's kind of funny.

Mm-hm.

I see.

Well, you know, you some mighty fine looking boys in there,

Even... even that retarded looking bastard

Back there in the backseat.

So I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you a break.

You tell me I'm the best, and I'll let you go.

Um, you're the best.

Now come on.

Make it good.

Tell me I'm the best.

And tell me like you mean it.

Tell me you wish you was a skirt so I'd let you suck my dick

And have my baby.

And make it good, boy.

If you know what I mean.

Sir, um, you're the best.

And I wish I could suck your dick and have your baby.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll bet you do, junior.

I'll just bet you do.

Hey, you.

You know I could kick your ass.

I want you to tell me that I could kick your fucking ass.

Uh, you could kick my ass.

Yeah.

Damn right.

Damn right.

All right, retardo.

It's your turn.

Kiss the psychotic looking fucker over here.

And use the tongue, bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about right there, boy.

That's what I'm looking for.

Yee-haw!

Woo-hoo!

Uh-huh.

[Grunting] [moaning] You boys drive safe now, you hear?

Oh my god!

[Grunting] This... this will be the safest place in the world.

What did you do?

Gave them the Buford T routine.

Oh.

Had them beg, kiss my ass.

[Laughing]

The two in the backseat french kiss, man.

[Laughing]

Oh.

That one guy was so fucking ugly.

God!

DISPATCHER: Car 41.

Come in, Car 41.

We have a 2-11 in progress at 261127th Street.

Neighbors say a married couple is having a dispute.

And there's been lots of shouting.

And a few minutes ago, a gun was fired.

Oh, god.

What the hell?

You pulling up the wrong goddamn way.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Just back her down, would ya?

OK.

Jesus fucking Christ.

10-4 on that, but we're getting kind of hungry out here.

Could you send anybody else on that call?

Uhh, you mind if we send another car?

DISPATCHER: There's no one else in that area.

10-4, Car 41.

Please be advised that shots were fired.

10-4 on that.

[Siren wailing]

Here we go.

You sick bastard.

What?

You're just trying to get us to drink with you.

Oh, Christ. Like it's gonna hurt you anyway.

Shut up, Harper.

All you want to do is have sex with us anyway.

Uh, maybe cause I don't want to masturbate

For the rest of my life.

You try getting in the "Guinness"

Book of World Records."

I hear they give great promotional deals.

Uh, no, they don't.

They become circus acts.

And, uh, they spend all their fucking money on therapists

Anyway. Why?

Do you know any?

Uh, no, I don't.

Do you? No.

Then why the fuck are we talking about this?

So we don't have to go back in there and go to work.

Yeah.

Maybe one day we'll have real jobs with real rewards.

Higher pay is all.

The money's good.

Well, only if you care about artificial things.

What are you calling me a money-hungry prick, or what?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I guess you got me.

Yep, I'm the most honest person in the world.

What, are you saying that I'm not honest?

OK.

Look at this realistically.

If you get a house, you need money.

You get a car, you need money.

You have a baby, you're gonna need a shitload of money.

Money, money, money. OK.

That's enough.

Cause, you know, all I want to do

Is go to third-world countries and help children anyway.

Ah, come on!

What are you gonna do?

Swim across the fucking ocean to get

To the fucking third-world countries, or what?

You're gonna need money to buy the plane ticket anyway.

Oh, you are such a dick.

God!

Suck it anyway, bitch.

You used to not speak.

You should've stuck with that.

She'll fucking get over it.

Come on.

Yeah.

She'll be crying inside.

She'll get over it after I'm inside comforting her and she

Gets some from her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend's a fucking idiot anyway.

An idiot with a big dick.

That's more than I can say for you, belly button dick.

Oh, belly button dick, huh?

That's why last time I talk to her it was a tree trunk!

[Sighing]

[Siren wailing]

[Dog barking]

You fucking slut!

I cannot believe you did that to me!

I can't believe you called the fucking [inaudible]

About this stuff!

Do not take another step!

Whoa, there, cowboy.

Just back it down a notch.

Let's cool off and talk about this.

I'm just a doughnut-eating dickhead

Who got the unlucky call.

I'm not here to spoil your fun.

He beat the shit out of me, and then he

Says he's gonna kill me with that gun he bought

This morning [inaudible].

Does that bother you, ma'am?

All right then.

So, what do you say we call it in

And, uh, go get some breakfast?

Oh, jeez, I left the [inaudible].

Master, could you tell me again the...

The story of the first zombie?

LORD ZOMBIE: Oh, yes, I can tell you that.

Oh.

When I laid my eyes on him, my heart was taken away.

Ah.

And I wanted nothing more than to be a zombie.

[Grunts]

Would you like to be a zombie?

Or do you want to continue being the idiot that you are?

Yeah.

Oh, I... I always thought I was a...

I was kidding.

Oh!

Oh!

You... you are a zombie.

Oh, you're hugging me.

You are a zombie, my boy.

I'm you're friend.

Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you, master.

Is there anything else that I can get for you?

I wouldn't want to say to your head.

A little raw flash, perhaps?

Oh, how did you know?

Well, it's almost dinner time.

I'll, uh... I'll be right back.

I haven't had any flesh for so long.

Yes.

Yes.

I'll take care of that, master.

[Laughing]

No fat!

What a trial he is.

My god.

What?

You can't kick me out of here.

I work here.

You're gonna go clean toilets or something.

Yeah.

We'll finish putting the books in order

Once she's done crying.

Look, I didn't mean what I said earlier, OK?

Just go.

It'll be OK, sweetie.

[Screaming]

You zombie looking freak ass!

You ain't going up my [inaudible].

- Hold on now. - You ain't going up that.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you.

What the fuck?

[Inaudible] homos.

I hate [inaudible]. Hold on!

What the fuck?

I saw you in that sex education class.

You were experimenting with being homos, man.

Well, I used to experiment too, but... but I was only doing it

With... with farm animals.

I'll kill you! [Inaudible].

Choke you Where's that asshole?

Show me your asshole.

[Screaming]

That hurt.

I work at the fucking bookstore.

There's inventory tonight.

What the fuck's your problem?

You ain't one of those butt fucking homosexuals?

No.

I mean, I wouldn't mind a female,

But obviously that's not gonna happen right now.

[Moaning]

[Screaming]

[Screams]

I just...

Alli!

Call the fucking cops!

Oh, screw you, Harper.

Really, you could try some acne cream.

It's not fucking acne.

Call the fucking cops.

Call the cops!

Hurry the fuck up!

It's fucking busy.

We gotta get the hell out of here.

No shit.

This way.

Oh, I'm ready for some good ol' grits

At the waffle house, buddy.

Yeah, for you maybe.

For me, I'm in training, man.

I'm gonna pick up some nice looking babe.

Look, man, it's not about your waist.

It's about your mind.

Yeah, if you're gay.

I ain't gay.

Could've fucking fooled me.

Ha ha.

Fucking ha ha.

Hey.

You suck, man.

I have been waiting so long for grits from the house.

Man, I can't believe you were so fucking ecstatic about going

To a place that's been shut down for the last three months

For having rats running around.

Look, for all you know, rat turds

Could be their secret ingredient, all right?

Oh, man.

Oh, that's fucking gross, OK?

Though there is grosser shit that people eat, like you.

What could be grosser than rat turds?

I don't know.

People eat testicles, OK?

That's fucking gross... Eating fucking testicles.

I've had testes before, you know.

It's some pretty good shit if it's done right.

It's not like that fucking fried shark bullshit.

Look, Cage, for Christ's sakes, there's

A big difference between eating fish and testicles.

Look, you've been fishing, right?

Yeah.

Do you remember cutting the balls off the fish

Before you fry it up?

No.

And you eat lots of fish.

You eat fish testicles.

Man, you fucking...

- Just admit it, all right? - No.

Do they have fucking Do they have fucking testicles?

Well, how the fuck would I know?

DISPATCHER: Car 41.

Car 41, we have a possibly robbery down 10th Street.

Please be advised that the suspect is armed and dangerous.

[Sighing]

10-4 on that, but we're getting kind of hungry out here.

Could you send anybody else on that call?

DISPATCHER: There's no one else in that area.

Please be advised that the suspect is armed and dangerous.

Here we go.

I got away from them zombies.

I got away from them.

Homosexual zombies.

I've got a hard on.

I'm getting excited.

I better call... I better call 911.

Yeah.

That's my responsibility to call the police.

Yes, indeed. [Grunts]

Yeah.

This is the janitor at the Tromaville Community College.

Now we got some... no, no, I'm not calling about a pizza.

No, no.

This is the janitor.

We got trouble here.

And the... go away now.

I'm on the phone.

[Screaming]

How'd the ex like the gift?

Fucking hated it as usual.

You know, I spent 100 bucks on that piece.

She's gonna turn around and sell it at a garage sale

Next week for a fucking dime.

That's what I get for trying to suck up to the bitch

So she won't charge me so much goddamn alimony.

Well, like all chicks, she's a bitch.

You weren't saying that last week, man, at the nudie bar.

Oh, come on.

I got some chick dancing on my lap

Making me spill down in front of my pants.

She was fine, wasn't she?

Let's go back to that place.

No way.

No way.

Not until I get laid.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're swearing off the nudie bar until you get laid?

Yeah.

Ah, you're never gonna go back that way, dude.

No, man, come on.

I'm cleaning up my act.

I'm gonna meet a nice girl, settle down.

She'll take care of me. Yeah?

I just hate when chicks cheat on me, man.

I hate that shit. Yeah.

Hey.

What?

Let's party.

Whoa!

Stop!

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

Yeah.

That's one dead dude.

Uh, Cage.

Yeah?

There's just groceries in those bags.

So?

We just killed an innocent man.

So you want to get his wallet, or you want me to?

Man, that is too much.

I'll get it.

Well, he wasn't nearly worth killing.

Shit, man, we ain't nearly worth killing.

We're still alive, dude.

Jesus.

Hey, uh, let's go catch the real fucker, huh?

What about this fucking guy?

Maybe we're gonna get pinched.

Look, we'll throw him in the trunk.

We'll head down to Gangland.

We'll dump him.

It'll look like a drive-by.

Man.

That's too fucking much, man.

As you probably guessed by now, Jeff and Cage

Were not your typical cops.

They smoked weed, shot heroin, took

The lives of innocent people, and raped

Prisoners both male and female.

But soon these vilest of defenders

Would be called upon to save the world.

He's a heavy son of a bitch.

He must've ate twice as much groceries as before we had.

Come on, man.

This is... get that... get that.

Oh, geez.

DISPATCHER: Car 41.

Oh, fuck.

What's that?

DISPATCHER: Are you there, Car 41?

Oh, Jesus.

DISPATCHER: Come in, Car 41.

Mayor here.

What do you want now?

DISPATCHER: We just got a call that the grocer chased

Down and shot the suspect.

We need you now to check out a possible disturbance

At the college.

Another date rape?

DISPATCHER: No.

Reported screams in the building.

Who'd be there at this time?

DISPATCHER: The president says there'll

Be practices finishing up.

And the janitor that called in the disturbance

Hasn't answered the phone since.

[Sighing]

10-4.

But can you send another car?

We're fucking starving in there.

DISPATCHER: Negative.

There are no other cars on duty today

Due to the real mayor having a party.

Why the hell weren't we invited?

DISPATCHER: I believe it has something

To do with the mayor thinking you shot his son last year.

10-4.

I wish I really had shot the cocksucker.

We'll be there in a couple of minutes.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Cou... could we just stop at Wendy's or something

And pick something up?

Hey, hey, hey.

I've been waiting for grits from the house for too damn long.

[Siren wailing]

Move the body.

Fuck you, man.

You shot the guy.

You move the fucking body.

I shot him, so you move the body.

That's the way it works. No.

Fuck you, man.

What do we need the artillery for?

Look, if there's an entire frat raping one chick,

There's gotta be a bullet for every frat guy.

Capisce?

Wait a minute.

You think they're gonna catch on at every case

That we go on somebody gets killed?

What the fuck do they care?

So as long as we don't do anything to an innocent.

We'd get caught.

Shit.

[Screaming]

Another one.

Wait...

That door shouldn't be unlocked... not even

At this time of day, even if there is

A professor in there working.

Huh.

You ready?

Fucking, let's go.

Let's go.

Oh my god!

Holy mother of god!

They're gonna kill us all.

Freeze!

Hold it right there, pal.

Please.

You... you gotta stop them.

They're gonna kill us all.

What's your name, sir?

Harvey Lawson.

Well, Mr. Lawson, I think you'd better get behind us.

I was working late, and I heard a girl

In the locker room scream.

I went to help her.

And she was attacked.

[Gunshot]

Ew!

Man, look at his face.

How did you know?

The gym and the locker rooms are across the street.

Besides, he's just fucking annoying.

Look at this.

He turned from normal looking human to this shit.

What are we dealing with here, man?

I don't know.

That sure ain't natural.

Maybe supernatural.

Well, let's go.

Mandy!

Hey!

Get off of her!

Mandy!

Get off!

Hey, come on.

Let's just go secure the area.

And when we're done, we'll go get the grits

From the fucking rat house.

And you'll be happy, right? The rat house.

Very funny. Let's just go.

You think you're gonna get a fucking promotion

By walking around an empty...

Get the fuck out of here!

I'm putting my foot down right here, OK?

Now listen, we have to secure this area

And make sure that we're taking care of this place.

Cage, come on.

Fucking little pussy.

What do you think, you're gonna get a promotion by walking

Around an empty school?

You calling me a fucking pussy.

I just did.

And I'll do it again if you need me to.

You won't be shit without those fucking guns, OK?

- What are you saying? - Cause you're fucking...

You think it's down to this? You think it's down to this?

I know it's down to that.

Cause if you didn't have that shit,

You wouldn't so fucking tough. OK.

No guns.

Oh, come... let's just go, OK?

We'll go secure the area, go get your grits from the rat house...

You put your money where your mouth is.

You'll be happy.

OK, Mr. I gotta work out, I gotta get chicks,

And all that kind of bullshit.

Man, let's just go, all right?

Come on. Let's go.

- No. - Come on, Cage.

Bring it. Bring it.

Come on.

You want this?

The big question is, do you want this?

Fuck you. All right.

Let's do it. All right.

Here we go.

Let's go.

Drop your shit. Come on.

Let's go. All right.

Let's go.

Now you get your insurance paid up?

Don't bring... don't bring that shit in here.

Oh, very nice.

Nice, huh? [Inaudible].

[Inaudible]

Wee, motherfucker.

Wee!

Good one. Good one.

No. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

OK. OK.

Are you ready for this? Yeah, let's go.

- I'm bringing the big one. - Bring it.

I'm bringing the big one.

Here we go.

What the...

Jesus!

Oh, jeez.

You little bastard.

Oh my god.

That's fucking gross.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, man!

Hey.

Go... go back and get the guns.

What?

Get the fucking guns.

Oh, fuck.

Bastard.

Fuck!

Oh, shit.

[Moaning]

Fuck!

Watch it, man.

Jesus!

Fuck!

[Inaudible] they're coming.

They're right there, man. They're right there.

Let's get the fuck out of here, man.

- They got the guns. - [inaudible].

They've got the guns!

[Screaming]

Let's go!

Get off me!

Come on. Let's go.

Let's go.

Come on.

Thank you.

Hey, look, we got a big problem here, people.

A big problem.

It's true.

We tried to find a way out and they're everywhere.

Every doorway is covered.

There's nothing.

There's no way out.

There's no way out?

Those things are gonna kill every last one of us.

We're never gonna see our families, our friends.

Ashley, everything is gonna be fine.

How can you say that when there's body parts

All over the algebra room!

How can you say that when we saw them eating

Out Dr. Thompson's insides?

These are some pretty sick individuals

We're dealing with here.

Ashley, everything will be fine.

We're with the police now... the good guys.

Everything will be OK.

Right, officer?

Everything's gonna be just fine.

[Screaming]

Go to school, get an education...

[Screaming]

This is not the education that I had in mind.

Oh, I knew I should've went to the university.

CAGE: Look, we can beat these guys.

We can take these guys out.

All we have to do is get [inaudible]...

Daddy!

Buddy, is everything OK?

I thought I heard something.

No, that's just daddy doing his job.

Jeffrey, if you're ever in trouble,

This is the house to go to.

Can I go there now?

No, Jeffrey.

I think it's time we end this now.

Look, all we have to do is stay together, work as a team,

And not panic.

It's gotta be safer in here.

[Screaming]

You're alive!

I couldn't leave you, could I?

Everybody else has.

Look, don't worry.

I'll get you out of here.

I'll get everybody out of here.

Well, we're not gonna get out of here by just standing here.

So let's see if you really can get us out of here.

Women.

Did you see how many there are?

They're everywhere.

Yeah.

They're everywhere!

We need to come up with a plan.

Jeff?

- What? - Jeff...

- What? - We need you, man.

I'm cool, man. I'm cool!

I'm cool, all right?

I know a safe place.

Let's go. OK.

Come on.

There's a shitload of those fuckers down here.

Shit, man.

What are we gonna do?

This is the only way out.

Fuck.

All right.

Look, you ladies stay here, OK?

When the coast is clear...

Haul ass.

Good way to put it.

You ready?

Let's do it.

[Music playing]

[Groans]

[Grunting]

Oh!

Ooo.

Oh.

[Screaming]

Oh my god!

Close the door!

Close the door!

[Screaming]

[Groaning]

[Grunting]

Get the fuck off.

Oh, shit.

Whoa.

What the fuck was that?

It's a fucking sleeper hold, man.

You lock it in like this...

No, no, no, no.

That ninja kicking zombie bullshit.

I don't know, man.

A fucking lot going on here more than we know.

Well, hey, can we go now?

Let's go meet up with the chicks.

Yeah. Come on.

Hey!

Die, motherfucker!

Die!

Die!

Die!

Die!

Die!

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Their insides, they're like our insides.

They're fucked up looking humans.

These... these are not humans, I mean, they're not even humane.

Harper, they're trying to kill us.

I mean, humans don't do things like this.

I know.

I know.

OK.

We just need to get the fuck out of here.

I know.

Like, I'm so ready to get the hell out of here and go home.

This is it.

This is it.

LAURA (VOICEOVER): Remembering his father's words

From his childhood, Jeff led them to a place

Where he believed they would find refuge.

And then...

[Phone ringing]

Well, what do you know?

Another loser has decided to call in

And make his existence known.

Hello, you're on the air.

What's on your mind?

TODD: Hi.

My name is Todd.

What's up, Todd?

TODD: Is this supposed to be a true story?

It's pretty far-fetched.

Like the song says, Todd, you gotta have faith.

TODD: You mean to tell me that we're supposed to believe

This story that you may or may not

Have actually heard from a man who may or may

Not have been Jesus Christ.

Isn't that how faith generally works?

TODD: I guess.

But it seems difficult to believe that these cops...

Jeff and Cage.

TODD: But, yeah.

It seems difficult to believe that they were running around

Out there killing all these people

And no one ever called the cops about it.

Did I say no one had called the police?

TODD: Well, no, but I...

Assumed?

Now, Todd, you know what happens when you assume.

You make an ass out of you and... only you.

TODD: But I...

It's been great chatting with you, Todd,

But if you don't mind, I'd like to finish my story now.

As it happens, a little girl came upon Jeff and Cage's squad

Car earlier that day, and she saw

The arm of their first victim dangling out of the trunk.

After the little girl had explained what she'd

Seen to her mother... who was more than a little bit

Concerned... the mother telephoned the police

Department to make an inquiry.

As it happens, the internal affairs

Department had been investigating

Jeff and Cage for some time.

After receiving the report, two IAD officers

Were dispatched to the scene.

You know, this looks like it's just

Gonna be another hoax from some 10-year-old frikkin kid.

And you know something... shut up.

I just wish this damn bullet wound would heal

Already for crying out loud.

For Christ's sake.

And we left the mayor's party for this shit?

This is goofy.

What the hell?

All right.

Let's go take a look.

Come on!

Hello?

Hello?

Maybe we're safe here since there aren't

Any zombies running around.

They aren't exactly zombies.

So you're Jeffrey?

I've heard a great deal about you.

How do you know my...

I'm guessing you came here for answers.

I'll do my best to try and answer everything.

When God created man, as they say,

He created his own creatures.

Humans were created in heaven.

For ages, Satan tried to rid the world of mankind.

To accomplish this, he created his own breed of man... what

You referred to as zombies.

These zombies, if you will, were created by Satan

To be placed in mankind.

Now they can either take the appearance of zombies

As you see them or they can look just like a human.

So it's a sort of alien life form created by the devil?

You could say that.

These zombies were placed by Satan to blend into mankind.

Now although humans do have their faults,

They don't create the kind of havoc and mayhem

That these creatures have in the past.

If a disaster has been caused by the hand of a human being,

Then you can be guaranteed that they

Were one of Satan's soldiers.

Well, how come we haven't heard of these things

Before if they've been around?

Oh, they have been around.

And people do know about them.

Your government knows about them.

Many people know about them.

But they're strange and unusual.

So if a human being tries to tell about them,

They're immediately ridiculed.

They're arrested.

They're thrown into a mental institution.

The government doesn't know exactly what to do about them.

If they were to announce it, it would

Strike panic into the heart of every citizen in the country.

Their big job is to get out of office without a hitch.

Not be part of a national disaster.

Americans couldn't even handle the broadcast

Of "The War of the Worlds."

Imagine what would happen if the President of the United States

Came out and said, there was a new breed of man,

And it was as evil as anything in this world that comes.

So how do we stop it?

You can't stop it.

You mean, we just let these zombie

Alien fucks destroy the planet and we

Don't even put up a fight?

I said you can't stop it.

But he can.

Hey.

Me?

Wait, but why me?

Do you have any recollection of your father, Jeffrey?

Yes, of course.

Do you remember the battle that cost him his life?

Yes.

You're part of a bloodline, Jeffrey.

Your father did not die in vain that night.

The two of you were alone in the forest that day.

Chances are I may not make it out of there alive.

I want you to take this.

It's a key to the truck.

If I'm not back out of there in two hours,

I want you to take the truck and drive to your mother's house.

Do you understand?

Come here.

God help us, so that when you get older

You don't have to fight these zombies.

GOD: On that day, your father destroyed these creatures

And sent them back to hell.

So you're your father's son.

It was a great battle between he and I.

Before I broke him and ate him.

So maybe you'll make it easy on me this time.

[Grunting]

[Groaning]

You're not half the man your father was.

Wait!

What?

You have nothing left.

I have heart.

And soon I'll have your heart.

GOD: Whenever a bloodline, such as you and your father,

Kill the Lord of the Creatures, all on the planet

Are forced back into hell until the bloodline has been killed.

My father died that day, didn't he?

His body couldn't withstand the damage the zombie had done,

But he lived for two more days waiting for someone to come.

No way.

No!

Jeffrey, it wasn't your fault. You did as you were told.

There was nothing you could have done.

However, Jeffrey, there is something that you can do now.

What? What?

Tell me. Anything.

What?

You must find the current Lord of the Zombies and kill him.

I think you know where to find him.

Just as your father did.

Look, I am no where near like my father, OK?

I mean, I'm not like him.

I...

I know who you are, Jeffrey.

Redeem yourself.

Those of you who love your life will lose it.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

How do you know what nobody else does?

Wait.

How could... oh.

He left.

He's gone.

Things just got a lot more complicated, didn't they?

Hey, look.

You ladies stay here, OK?

You're gonna be safe here.

Safe sounds damn good to me right now.

Cage, we're just wasting time if we stay here.

Well, you know, Jeff, I think it's a good day to die.

Do you really think we're safe here?

I don't see why not.

It'll be all right.

I know.

Listen, I think all we have to do is get some tools

And board up the windows, make sure the doors are supported.

We just need to prepare in case there's an attack.

I thought you said we had nothing to worry about.

I don't think we do.

Listen, the cops said that we're safe here so obviously we are.

Maybe they just wanted to get rid of some dead weight.

Ashley, cops are here to serve and protect OK?

They wouldn't leave this behind to die.

And besides, they're out there trying to stop this takeover.

We need to hang out here till it blows over.

If these zombie looking freaks broke into the college,

Why couldn't they break into this house?

You'd think they want to dispose of human they come across.

We're safe.

That's it.

You don't know shit, Melissa.

Shut the fuck up, Ashley.

I know cheerleaders are supposed to be bitchy,

But this is not a time to be a bitch.

You're still pissed I took head cheerleader from you,

Aren't you?

You're such a whore.

You know that I just want to get home.

Let's drop this whole conversation.

Let's board up this place.

It's better to be safe than sorry.

I need a drink.

You know what?

I'm gonna go get a beer.

Master! Master!

Oh!

Master! Master!

Master!

Master, we... we have a situation.

We have a situation, Master.

What is the situation?

The bloodline, master.

The bloodline, he's... he's found where we are, and he's coming!

Master, he's found his... I'm sorry.

You don't like screaming.

He's found his god... With a small g...

And they're coming this way, Master, rather quickly.

Well, my father fought his father, and my father won.

Yes!

So I think we can take him on if he arrives.

I think that you too, Master, shall be victorious.

Yes!

And then we... well, you shall rule the world.

- That would be a nice situation. - Yeah.

- [inaudible]. - Yes.

- Don't talk anymore. - I'm sorry.

I'll be back.

Yes, of course, [inaudible]. I'm sorry, Master.

[Inaudible] come back in a year.

I'm sorry. Yes.

Yes, Master.

I'm sorry. Yes.

Jesus Christ.

Ashley?

Dammit.

All right, man.

This is it right here, man.

This is where I last saw my father.

He was right here.

Jeff, you... you gotta let go of that, man.

I should've went in that day.

I should've went in after him, man.

He told you to stay.

He knew what he was doing.

I should've went in there.

And I should... should've just taken what came to me, man.

It was like... maybe I could save him that day, you know.

Jeff, I think he knew his destiny that day.

You...

Well, at least we're not in that fucking college anymore.

We are now fleeing the city.

It is complete chaos here.

It... it has been confirmed that the President and the Vice

President have been killed by what appears

To be decayed human beings.

A new Vice President will be sworn in at any moment.

What the fuck is this crap?

REPORTER: Members of the Senate...

The surviving members of the Senate...

Will set up an emergency press conference.

There are no members of the House still alive.

What the fuck is this crap?

Hey.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

What?

I can feel them.

They're here somewhere. What?

Where?

Right here.

I can feel them.

What are we gonna do?

Let's go this way.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Groaning]

Oh, no!

Look.

Look, Master. [Inaudible].

It's the prodigy.

It... it... it's the one who was sworn

To... to kill the... the new leader of the master race.

Ooh.

Ooh!

Oh!

Master race?

You call yourself the master race?

We are so much more better than you will ever be.

We are handsomer and... And... and the color of our skin

Is much more pretty.

Really?

You cause chaos.

You thirst for blood.

Don't call yourself mankind, because you ain't worth it.

And what have you done with your life?

You've murdered people.

You've raped women.

You robbed people.

You're a bastard.

The minority is not the majority.

Mistakes are made.

Forgiveness is essential.

Would you please forgive me?

Because I ate your father alive.

[Laughing]

[Screaming]

Oh god, you [inaudible].

REPORTER: Wait. Wait.

I'm getting something.

[Screaming]

REPORTER: OK.

Oh my god.

I... Iraq is taking advantage of the situation

And now has contr... oh my god, now has control of Europe.

Look out!

[Crying]

Fuck.

So I guess it's over, huh?

Yeah.

Thanks for the help.

That was one guy.

I thought you could handle it.

Dude, he had me to my knees before I

Knew what was happening.

And he was strong too.

I thought I was gonna buy it.

You're here now, aren't you?

Yeah, barely, you dumb fuck.

Hey, you know, you shouldn't use such bad language.

Oh, like God's gonna jump out of his throne

And come down here and kick my ass

Cause I called you a dumb shit.

No.

I mean, if God had really wanted to help,

He could've done something.

He could've messed with these zombie fucks.

A bolt... Cage.

- Of lightning... - Cage.

- Something. - Cage.

Stop, all right?

It's over.

It's done.

You're just pissed off cause you're hungry.

You bet your hairless, white, dimpled ass I'm hungry.

You didn't get the fucking grits, right?

No grits.

Let's go get you some grits, shut you up, OK?

Damn good idea.

I'm buying.

You're paying?

- I'm buying. - All right.

Let's get out of here.

All right, buddy.

Let's go.

You know that special feeling that you were talking about?

Yeah.

I think I have that feeling for you.

Shit.

Man, it looks like we've got a couple of maniac cops

On our hands, huh?

That's right.

Sick.

Sick, sick fuckers.

We're gonna have to search this college inside and out,

Man, and find these guys.

It ain't gonna be easy with this leg.

Ah, come on.

Let's get on this already.

Let's go.

Fucking sick people, man.

Sick.

Sick.

I'm gonna have sausage.

I'm gonna have bacon. Wait, but what about the grits?

- I'm gonna have four eggs. - You're gonna have grits?

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look.

Those are the two fucking cops over there.

You know, we bust their moldy little fucking pimpled ass.

We can be celebrities.

What do you think?

Let's go.

I'm gonna have grits.

You're gonna have grits.

There'll be grits all around.

I like grits, but...

Oh look, my name tag.

Make sure there's no...

[Gunshot]

Jeff!

Oh, no!

[Laughing]

I got him!

I'm the guy that bagged him!

I'm famous!

You stupid fuck.

Jeff!

Oh my god!

Oh, no, it's gonna happen all over again.

Oh, no!

God!

REPORTER: Members of the Senate will set up

An emergency press conference.

There are no members of the House still alive.

Wait, wait, I'm getting something...

What the fuck is this crap?

REPORTER: OK.

Oh my god!

I... Iraq is taking advantage of the situation

And now has contr... oh my god.

Now has control of Europe.

[Screaming]

Bring that fuck to me.

Well, if it isn't Twinkle Twinkle Killer [inaudible].

How do you explain all those dead bodies in the college?

There aren't any bodies in there, just zombies.

Look, you fuck.

There's no zombies in there.

There were innocent women, children, kids.

And they're all dead.

And you and your wacko partner killed them.

There's no students in that building, no professors,

Just zombies.

Listen.

Don't fuck with me anymore.

You and that wacko partner killed everybody in there

And you shot them death.

There was girls in there attacked by zombies.

There's... there's Melissa.

She's in the safe house.

Zombies?

Are you fucking crazy?

Yes, you're fucking crazy.

You're out of your fucking mind.

And I'm taking you down, Cage.

I'm taking your badge, and you're going to hell.

You're a loser, and you are fucked.

And you are going down.

Who do you think you are?

Matt Cordell Maniac Cop?

I oughta shoot you right now on the frikkin spot,

You piece of scum.

I'm innocent, man.

I'm innocent.

Get him out of my fucking face.

Well, you little fuck, how's you like to look at yourself?

You're nothing but a nickel dick I wouldn't

Even give a squirt of piss for.

So you know what?

I want you to just just sit back and relax.

And we're gonna take real good care of you, of you, Cage.

You and the psychiatric department.

And I'm gonna see you put away for a long, long time.

Get in.

Get me outta here.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Get out of here!

LAURA REYNOLDS: So there you have it.

The money-hungry internal affairs

Guys think the officers did it.

Others believe in the myth that the world was really

Being overtaken by zombie looking

Freaks that have the ability to look like humans.

So were the bodies found at the college really

Humans, or just the outer shells of the devil's little soldiers?

I, personally, believe the end is near.

And believe me when I say there is no

No stopping these little fucks.

I sure as hell don't want to be around to see it happen either.

You're on the air.

CALLER 1: You're -You're telling me those zombie

Looking freaks are for real?

I have no proof, but I sure as hell think they're for real.

CALLER 1: So we're all gonna die from the zombie looking

Freaks taking over the world?

Where there's a man, there's a woman.

When two people love each other enough,

There tends to be a child.

So there you go.

Merry fucking Christmas.

What?

Lock the door on your way out.

MAN: No!

No, no, no!

[Moaning]

Goddamn zombies!

[Music playing]

JANITOR: Oh!

Oh, Jesus!

Jesus, please.

Jesus, I swear I won't masturbate.

No more, Jesus.

I'll never [inaudible] I'll never do it again.

I won't worship the [inaudible].

I mean, I will worship the [inaudible].

But I won't... I won't play with myself anymore.

I swear to God, Jesus.

I'll get rid of those magazines with cows and the pigs in them.

I... I will never do that again.

Oh.

[Knocking]

What was that?

Zombie.

BOTH: A zombie?

[Screaming]

What... what is that?

Those are zombies.

A zombie?

Zombies?

[Screaming]

What is that?

Zombie.

- A zombie? - Zombies?

[Screaming]

CALLER 2: Hello?

Hello?

Oh my god.

Somebody please, please help.

Help.

We were barbecuing outside and... and... and this guy

Came up on our front lawn.

And he just stunk and his skin was falling off.

And he picked up my cat and he ate her.

And he started to eat my little brother... not in that way.

But he was eating him, like, you've got to help me.

Please! Please!

Oh my god.

Oh, he's...

[Screaming]

I don't appreciate... What's it again?

DIRECTOR: I don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner.

Put... put that up here so I can see it.

DIRECTOR: Say it again for me.

Don't talk to me about that.

DIRECTOR: Don't talk to me that way.

All right. OK.

DIRECTOR: Action.

Don't talk to me about that.

Nah, that can't be right. Don't...

BRINKE STEVENS: [inaudible] - I'm sorry.

What is it?

BRINKE STEVENS: Don't talk to me that way.

Right.

OK.

Don't talk to me about... ah, I keep screwing up [inaudible].

BRINKE STEVENS: Don't talk to me that way.

Don't talk to me that way.

Don't talk to me about... Ah, I keep screwing it up.

BRINKE STEVENS: Don't talk to me that way.

Don't talk to me that way.

That way, right?

Was that it?

Don't talk to me that way.

Don't talk to me about... Nah, I keep screwing it...

BRINKE STEVENS: What about don't talk to me like that?

DIRECTOR: That'll work.

Don't talk to me that way.

Is that... Don't talk to me that way.

Don't talk to me about that.

Ah, I keep screwing... I don't know why.

Don't talk to me that way, right?

Don't talk to me that way, right?

DIRECTOR: DIRECTOR: Yeah.

Don't talk to me that way.

You ready?

DIRECTOR: DIRECTOR: Yeah.

Don't talk to me that way.

I've gotta go.

Well, I guess I'll go out and change loaves

To fishes there or something.

[Laughter]

We're at a dialogue here.

OK.

So I've had a thing for you for quite some time now.

Yes.

Yes what?

Yes, I'll go out with you.

OK.

That...

MARCO: Yeah, hello?

911?

Yeah, this is Marco.

Yeah, over at Luigi's Pizza Emporium.

Look, I got an emergency over here.

4242 Calhoun.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the place.

You know, with the big neon pizza on the roof.

Look, we need the cops... all right... over here pronto.

What's the problem?

I'll tell you the problem.

We got a zombie infestation.

Yeah!

You heard me.

Zombies.

Jeez!

They're eating the customers.

Aw, man!

This is really bad for business.

Hey! Hey!

Don't eat the cook!

We don't got a replacement!

Did you hear that?

Look, if I don't get help here soon, I'm out of business.

Did you hear that?

Oh, great!

Now they're getting into the pepperoni.

These guys are worse than rats.

OK.

OK.

You... listen, spud face, out of the Parmesan cheese!

Look, I gotta go.

You better send some cops over here soon.

I'm about to open a can of whoop ass on some zombie butt

Out here.

Get 'em here now!

CALLER 3: Oh, man!

Oh, lordy, lordy! They're eating my dog!

They're eating my dog! They're eating [inaudible]!

They're eating [inaudible]!

Oh! [Inaudible].

Oh... oh, god!

They're eating my bunny!

He's eating my bunny [inaudible].

Oh!

OK.

Look, [inaudible].

OK.

Oh, god!

They're coming through the door. [Inaudible] Oh, god.

[Inaudible] Oh, man.

Look at that.

That guy's missing an eye.

Oh, god, that's creepy.

Ahh I'm scared.

[Inaudible] Oh, god.

Oh, lordy.

Lordy, lordy, lordy!

Somebody help me.

[Inaudible]

Help me please, help.