Original subtitles

DAM SHARKS!

What did she say, Mark?

So she turns to me, and she says,

"Mark, where are we going?"

I mean, we've only been dating for two weeks,

and that snort laugh that she does is really annoying.

Mark, where are we going?

Sorry. Just, on the right up here.

You said that five miles back.

Okay, but for real this time.

-We're getting close. -Okay.

It's weird.

Dam's so much bigger than before.

Get me a little closer. I'll go down and take a look.

It's pretty murky. Careful down there.

Kate? You reading me?

Yeah. All good on my end.

Wait. What is that?

What? What is it?

Mark?

Mark?

Mark!

My God!

It's a mega gator!

You jerk!

Okay, you didn't scare me.

Yes, I did.

Now just relax while I take a look at your beaver.

Shut up.

Do you really think the beaver population's dwindling?

It is in my neighborhood.

All right,

let's get a closer look at this dam.

I hate nature.

Like, we're here.

All right, let's go, people!

Fun waits for no man.

This is not what I expected.

Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead.

Okay. Go.

Go. Go.

Thanks, dude.

Ladies and gentlemen, the CEO and founder

of Horizon Tech Industries.

He's responsible for everything you see here today

and a close personal friend of mine.

The one, the only, Tanner Brooks.

Thank you, Ted.

Nice of you to join us.

Is it? Come on.

It's better than being at work.

Yeah, it's like being home from school sick.

You got a fever of 104,

and you can't stand up straight,

but at least you're not in geometry class.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual

Horizon Tech Wilderness Retreat.

Yeah! Damn right!

"We are here today to help strengthen

"the bridge between knowledge and action.

"We learn our strengths and our fears,

"and we apply them to our actions at work

for the betterment of the world."

We have a big day of activities ahead.

We'll be splitting into three teams...

Synergy, Muse, and Spirit.

Now remember there's no "I" in "team."

Is he for real?

There will be capture the flag...

an archery contest...

paintball...

and last, but not least,

for the grand finale, a two-mile river race.

Archery contest was your idea, I take it?

Camp Tahoe champ three years running.

How do you get him to listen to you?

I'm his publicist. That's my job.

How's it looking down there?

As big as this dam is, I don't get it.

There should be beavers everywhere, and I'm not seeing any.

Maybe they're busy.

They're there somewhere.

It's mating season.

Thanks for the help.

I haven't seen a single beaver down here.

Hold on. What's this?

Mark.

There's something down here!

What's going on? Mark.

Mark!

Mark, do you copy?

Mark! Grab on to me!

Grab my hand, Mark!

My God, Mark!

Ted.

Ted McGill.

I know your name, Ted.

Good. That's great.

Dude, that was brutal.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to help.

I mean, look at her.

Yeah. And?

And now look at yourself.

It's like a supermodel going out with...

With a software engineer.

I am a software engineer, Jorge.

Exactly.

Hey, you know, I don't remember

asking you for your advice, so...

Just listen to your Latino wingman here.

It's gonna end up in disappointment.

Girls like Joline, they end up with guys like...

I don't know.

Like him.

Whassup?

Joline!

You know, today is about

cultivating teamwork and developing trust.

Today is for you, people. You know,

being the 19th richest man in the high-tech

app development, augmented reality,

legality pending, cryptocurrency industry

doesn't mean a damn thing to me,

not a damn thing.

But knowing in my heart of hearts

that I have done something for you people

is why I can fall asleep at night with a big smile on my face.

You're what matters.

This is where you give yourself

a round of applause, people.

He really knows how to work the crowd.

And, don't forget to blog,

Snap-Photo, and post as much as you can.

We want the rest of the world to see

what working at Horizon Tech is like.

How do you expect us to post on social media

in the middle of a paintball battle?

Good point. Okay, everyone,

if you see somebody with their phone, don't shoot them.

Cease fire for social media reasons, okay?

Just like in real war.

It's just like in...

Idea.

Boom. Shock resistant,

shoulder-mounted phone cases that are voice-activated,

just like the... the cameras that the policemen wear.

Monday morning. Pullman, prototype.

Sure. Why not?

Also I was told

that there is a lot of poison oak out here,

so watch your step. Come on.

Also a slight chance of wild bears.

What?

And the mosquitoes out here are like hummingbirds,

so I hope you brought your bug spray.

Also...

20%, 30% chance of snapping turtles.

Right. So any questions?

Why are we doing this?

Any other questions?

Anyone have any sunblock?

Yeah, yeah. I gotta work on my delts.

Where can I do that?

Hey, do we get free Wi-Fi?

Do you know where I can get a skinny latte?

I'm allergic to mosquitoes.

Okay, follow me, people.

Onward!

Son of a bitch.

Who's this guy?

Your uncle.

Only thing missing is the banjos.

Kill the engine.

Anything I can do for you today, gentlemen?

We heard that this is the best-kept secret for salmon.

That's why I'm here.

So I suggest you turn back the way you came

or keep on your way,

but I'd prefer you did the former.

Where'd a redneck like you learn such good diction?

Well, at least I can read.

Hey, hey, hey, look. We just came to fish. That's it.

Nobody's saying you can't cast a line.

Just go do it somewhere else.

Come on. We been planning this trip for, like, three months.

We came all the way down here 'cause someone told us

that this was the best spot in the whole state.

I really don't like repeating myself.

Well, sorry you feel that way, man,

but unless you have a bill of sale

for, you know, the river,

you got no say where we fish.

Okay. It's a gun. Okay, okay, look.

Let's go, man. No problem.

We're outta here. We're leaving.

Damn right.

Tourists.

"Come out to the woods. We'll have a few laughs."

Great idea, Tanner.

Damn it.

Bang, bang! Gotcha!

You shot at my head?

I'm dead! You made your point!

No mercy in time of war, sweet cheeks.

What? Were you hiding behind a rock?

That's not cool.

I'm a sniper. You'll never see me coming.

I thought you were from Toronto.

Aren't you guys supposed to be nice?

We are nice!

We only shoot mooses!

Kenny, that hurts! Stop!

Hey, what have we got here?

What the hell?!

God, what is that?

Holy hell!

God!

Damn it, Kenny.

Hey.

Hi.

You having fun yet?

Yeah.

Are you?

Marvelous. Can't you tell?

Can I ask you something?

Of course. You just did.

What exactly do you do at Horizon Tech?

You know, I literally don't know.

You don't know your own job? No.

All right, well, Tanner hired me a few years ago

to build one of those, fighting robots

back when the tech CEOs had their league.

Then he just kept me on

to build whatever prototype he pulled out of his ass.

Usually, this consists of me coming into the office,

playing some online games for a few hours,

and then soldering a bunch of components and wires into some kind of casing.

Then I hand it over to Tanner,

and I say, "Look, here it is,

"except I just found out that another company had the same idea.

They're going into beta testing soon."

Yeah. You are bad.

It's perfect.

Well, what's Tanner do

when they find out they don't?

That's the best part.

If he starts asking around about a secret project,

the companies'll think that he's got a spy in their company.

They scream corporate espionage.

The lawyers go to war,

bankrupting all parties while proving nothing.

So then Tanner just has to hold his tongue

until he comes up with his next stupid idea. It's pretty great.

Think you might be my hero.

I doubt that.

I want your job.

Carl!

Holy hell, Kate!

Barely survive a shark,

and you damn near give me a heart attack.

Sharks? You saw 'em, too?

Damn near bit my ass off right before you got here.

You okay?

No.

Come on.

Let's get you inside, all right?

You know, I'd rather be at the office

or at a colonoscopy or...

No, you wouldn't. Trust me.

What does that mean?

What do you know that I don't?

Nothing. I just...

Nothing.

Okay, you're a terrible liar.

All right, all right.

You just have to promise me you won't tell anyone.

Okay, promise.

Tanner's cleaning house.

Cleaning house?

What does that mean, cleaning house?

Massive layoffs across the board.

Everyone who's here today,

that's who he's keeping.

Everyone else is "redundant."

Okay, how do you know about this?

I'm the publicist.

I had to prepare the press release that's going out later today.

That underhanded, two-faced little twerp.

Just promise me you won't tell anyone.

Yeah, I... I promised.

I said I wouldn't. It's just...

why should I get to keep my stupid job

when people who actually put their back into it get the heave-ho?

I mean, do you know what he's got me doing right now?

He's got me doing graphic design on that stupid app of his,

the one that rates the softness of toilet paper

in public restrooms all across the country.

Yeah, that one's his favorite.

Well, takes an ass-wipe to know an ass wipe.

Thanks, Carl.

Mark and I found this thing.

It's like a beaver dam,

but it wasn't a beaver dam. It was something else.

It was upriver just past the forks.

We got a report about a major drop in the water level

and went to go check it out.

Mark went down to check on the foundation...

and I could hear him scream on the radio,

and then he just popped up,

and there was blood everywhere.

I tried to pull him in,

but he was already bitten in half.

You know,

I heard this thing about something like 10,000 sharks

schooling near this beach in Florida.

That's the beach.

We're a hundred miles from the ocean.

How the hell could something like this happen?

Where did they come from?

And how could we have missed it?

Where'd that dam come from?

I need to use your phone.

I ain't got a phone.

I got a radio.

It's a good radio.

Benchley Ranger Station 12, come in.

This is F & W Officer Kramer. Over.

Rick. Rick, it's Kate. Come in.

Benchley Ranger Station, do you copy?

Come in, Rick! Rick!

Where the hell is he?

Okay.

We don't know how many sharks there are

or how far they've spread out.

We need to start clearing people off the river.

Well, I chased off some wannabe fishermen earlier,

sent 'em back upriver.

So that's where we start.

What's this "we" stuff?

Carl, I've put up with your particular brand of crazy

for a long time now. What...

The gill netting. The weed farming.

Well, now, the weed...

The fishing with dynamite.

The chasing off tourists. I never chased...

All of your end of the world,

off the grid, survivalist rants.

Well, now, that's...

And not to mention the FBI agents

showing up and asking about you.

Hell, you're a federal employee!

I mean, why the hell

do you think I moved out here

in the middle of nowhere alone, anyway?

Apparently because the feds are looking for you.

You would have been in jail a dozen times over

if it wasn't for me. You owe me,

so now I'm calling in a favor.

What about that time last spring

whenever that guy you were dating kept coming back around?

I helped you out then...

Carl, I'm not screwing around!

Mark is dead,

and there are who knows how many people in the river.

We've got to start clearing them off the water.

All right.

Just I'm not really a people person.

That's all.

We're gonna need weapons.

Well, now you're talking my language.

I'll take a corporate retreat

over a day in the office anytime.

You think Tanner will notice we're missing?

Are you kidding?

He doesn't even know our names.

This is great.

I love the wilderness.

Beer. Nothing like it.

Whatever.

My ass! What? What?

Something got my ass!

Mary!

No, no. Parachutes are for the people

that have been there since day one.

Everyone else just gets the standard letter of recommendation

and then six weeks more of health care.

Four weeks. Keep it down.

You're gonna get us caught.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to run your business here.

Hey, what is with the negative attitude, missy?

We're supposed to be having a good time here.

Well, try telling that to the 70 people

that are getting pink slips today.

Synergy requires sacrifice, sweetie.

Four weeks.

Okay, make it four weeks of health insurance.

Gotta go.

Hey. Hey, you! Get... Come here!

Okay, I need you two to guard me.

What? Are you joking?

What? It's called protect the king paintball.

You're the guards. I'm the king.

Your job is to protect me at all cost.

Wait. Aren't you supposed to protect all the employees?

Eeh!

Move!

Are you nuts? Go.

What? Stay in front of me!

Stay in front of me! Go! Go!

Go, go, go, go!

Stay in front of me! No, no.

No. Yes. Just stay...

God. I'll have to call you back.

Incoming!

Raaah!

I think they're bull sharks.

Yeah? I mean, they can live

in the fresh water as well as they can in the ocean,

and they've killed more people

than any other man-eating shark species combined.

All right, fine, but what are they doing here?

The dam where Mark got killed,

it's a bottleneck tie-up

for all the channels heading out to the coast,

and all this garbage got sucked in

from the storm and... and piled up,

and now the sharks got trapped.

Now they're angry, and they're hungry.

They're hungry, all right.

If we blow up the dam,

should open a path to the ocean.

How do you know all this?

Sharknado Week.

I've been preparing for this my whole life.

Stop being so mopey.

After what you just told me?

You hate everyone anyway.

What?

That is not true.

I like a lot of, people.

I like the guy... the guy in Customer Relations.

What's his name? The... Ichabod Crane?

The Adam's apple guy. He's funny.

Okay, her name is Amy.

And... And why are you suddenly so concerned

about these coworkers whose names you can't even remember?

I guess I just don't like to see people lose their job.

I've been a part of a big corporate downsizing,

and I wouldn't... I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, almost anybody.

Misanthropic idealist.

Look at you having layers.

Hey, I'm like one of those bean dips

you eat at a Super Bowl party.

You keep digging, it just gets better and better.

You sure your fishermen came this way?

I sent 'em upriver.

Maybe they made it to the forks.

They're too far.

Geronimo!

What the hell?

Look! Zip liners!

Come on, Skyler! Your turn!

Yeah

Don't let go!

Skyler.

She fell in!

My God.

Holy crap!

Get out of the water!

Help! I can't swim!

Skyler.

Blake!

Blake! Help!

There's something in the water!

Blake! My God!

Skyler! Help!

Help me!

Don't use that! You'll hit her.

I can't get a clear shot.

Skyler, no!

Hold on!

Follow them! Maybe I can get a clear shot.

Blake!

Blake, help me!

Skyler!

Help me, Blake!

Skyler!

Let me take the shot. Don't want to hit her.

Probably be doing her a favor.

Slow down!

Just keep it steady.

Doing my best.

Skyler!

Steady.

Damn it!

Skyler!

He's headed for the safety line.

Pull over now!

Good lord. Don't tell me he's doing that.

Skyler, hang on!

I'm almost there!

Skyler, I'm here! Take my hand!

You got a shot?

Not yet.

Come on.

Take it!

Squeeze.

Reach! Reach!

Grab on! Grab my hand!

Pull me up!

Got you. Grab the rope.

Grab the rope.

I see another one coming!

Take a shot!

Take it now!

Go to your right.

Nice shot.

You guys gotta move! Come on!

Now we're gonna have to climb across.

Just... Just keep moving.

I don't know if I can do this.

Just one hand at a time.

Just keep moving.

I see one coming.

There's another one! I got it.

I'm out. I need another bullet.

Carl, come on! I need another bullet! Come on!

One hand over the other! Go! Go!

Keep going! Faster! Faster!

Got it.

Here.

Now come on, Kate.

Blake!

Kate! Got it!

Blake!

Hang on, kid! Good?

Locked and loaded.

We got you covered! Keep going!

Don't stop moving!

Am I almost there?

Come on! Come on!

You're doing great! Keep going!

I don't know if I can do it!

She's running out of time.

Almost there!

I can't hold on much longer.

Help me!

Help!

Kate?

What the hell are they doing?

Why don't they just eat them?

I don't care.

Get in the truck.

I'm starving.

Come on. You can't say that wasn't fun.

Wasn't fun.

You're looking pretty clean there, John.

Like your conscience?

What's that?

Nothing. Just...

Just hungry. That's all.

Well, luckily for you,

I had the lunch catered from, Don Mateo's, San Francisco.

Some high-end grub.

Pricey. What? No.

Well, what can I say?

YOLO.

All right, everybody. Dig in.

Save some for the person behind you.

I don't think you have enough there.

I can't afford to get fat again.

This was only seven years ago.

You made that?

Yeah.

And you wear it, a picture of yourself fat?

Every day under my clothes as a reminder.

Gotta go.

Hey, cutie.

Hey, listen.

You ever seen that show about the guys

who fish for crabs in Alaska?

No. Why?

Well, I was thinking I might give it a try.

I think I would be really, really good at catching crabs.

You're so brave.

That big dolt is gonna steal my girl.

I gotta say, if you think I'm brave...

Is it just me, or were there more of us

this morning when we started paintball?

Maybe that's Tanner's plan,

kill us and dump us out in the woods.

No. I'm serious.

Like... Like where's the guy from Accounting?

Matthew, I think?

Or the hot chick from...

From H.R., Gwen?

These are the coworkers you're so dedicated to?

What, I have to know their names

to be concerned about their whereabouts?

Relax. They're probably just off hooking up somewhere.

At least somebody is.

It's still early.

Really?

God, you're easy to manipulate.

That's good.

That was good.

Look! There's two more of 'em!

God, it's like a bad movie.

Never seen anything like this. Have you?

Actually, yeah, one time in Fort Laude...

No! Of course not!

What's your problem?

A bunch of sharks killing people on my river!

My God. Pull over.

Yes, ma'am.

My God.

FUBAR.

Come on, man. What are you waiting for?

Patience.

Just put a damn line in the water already.

I know what I'm doing.

Do you?

Yeah! Here we go.

There we go! Yeah.

You got it.

There you go.

Yeah, you are the boss predator on this river.

I'm the boss. I'm a boss.

Get the net. Get the net. Get the net.

Seaweed?

Boss predator?

Shut up.

Let me show you how it's done.

What the hell do you think you're gonna catch with that?

Big fish.

Whatever.

Seriously?

Here.

Here we go. Serious?

Watch and learn, buddy.

Watch and learn.

Come on. Come on.

What... What the hell was that?

It wasn't a salmon.

You good?

I'm all good. You good?

Yeah. Yep.

What the hell was that?

It's gone, right?

Sure?

You good?

I'm good. Okay.

All right, I watched,

but I didn't learn anything.

Yeah, well, professionalism.

See how I handled that?

Idiot.

It's kind of fun. It's like a ride.

My God, Ned!

Jeez!

Come on. Ned. Ned!

Come on! I got you. I got you. Come on.

Well, lunch was a success.

Where's the fire?

Well, funny you should say that.

There's some blogger that claims he has pictures of you in Klan robes.

That was a bit.

It was a performance piece I did

with my theater collective in college.

Okay, well, he's threatening to go to the activists.

Okay, well, cut him a check, however much.

Just get it done.

You're already facing a firestorm

with these layoffs being announced.

Do you really think a cover-up is the best option?

I mean, maybe an explanation?

Ahem.

I didn't hire you for your opinions.

What's wrong? Why'd you stop?

We're never gonna get close enough to plant the dynamite,

not in this little bath toy we've got.

We need something to distract 'em.

They have chum.

You gotta be kidding me.

Who the hell uses chum to fish for salmon?

Idiots.

Damn, that stinks.

I'm calling this one divine intervention.

Well, call it whatever you want,

but their stupidity is our lucky break.

I hope this works.

Well, what do you know about that?

Looky there.

Let's go.

No. Darn it.

Good shot.

You totally cheated.

Damn.

Looks like we got ourselves a ringer here.

I should hire you to be my bodyguard.

Yeah, Tanner.

That's a good idea.

Hire or fire?

What's that?

Nothing.

Your zipper's down.

Made you look.

Joline!

You said you'd keep your mouth shut.

This is me keeping my mouth shut.

You're... You're pushing him.

Besides us, the only other people that know about the purge

are Tanner and that lab experiment assistant of his,

and she'll never talk,

so if he knows you know, he'll know it came from me.

I'm sorry. You're right. I wasn't thinking.

Whatever. Just stop moping around

and rambling fake righteousness.

Keep your eyes peeled.

Damn it!

Unh! These bastards are coming back.

Look, let me get up there!

I can handle it!

Just get in closer.

Careful.

Come on.

Come on.

Almost there.

My God! It's...

What is it? It's a body.

I don't see anything.

Crap.

It's gonna blow!

Jump!

Sushi, anyone?

Mark.

All right, kids. Time for the main event.

Shouldn't the others be back by now?

Well, I told them where the bus was gonna pick us up,

so they'll be fine.

What about Gwen and Matthew?

They're banging in the woods.

Nice!

I won't tell H.R.

Gwen is the head of H.R.!

Well, it'll save her some paperwork.

Watch your step. Okay.

These, round things on the ground,

these are, feces from cattle.

They call them patties.

You don't want to step in those.

Okay, so great.

And those of you without protective eyewear,

watch your eyes on these limbs here.

Watch your feet down here.

See? Like that?

This sucks.

Now we're talking!

I don't think we have enough people to fill three boats.

Arr!

Well, luckily we have enough for two,

so, Team Spirit and Muse will now combine,

so somebody think of a new name for the team.

Team Beezy.

Okay, great.

Don't know what that means, but great.

All right. Well, we've got the archery gear loaded up.

We've got the paintball gear loaded up.

The bus is gonna meet us at the finish line

and take us back to the office.

Where's Ted?

Where is the finish line?

It's the spot where the bus is gonna pick us up.

All right.

Race starts in 15 minutes.

I recommend a bathroom break, okay,

before everybody gets geared up and ready to go.

Let's go.

So the boat ride from hell.

Ted!

Ted?

Hold up! Wait!

Hold the raft! Hey, wait up for us!

Sorry about it.

I'm so sorry. Wait! Wait!

Sorry. We told you.

Yeah, that was definitely not a shortcut.

No.

You all right?

Fine.

That's the one that came after me,

the one with the scar.

Did that myself.

What are you thinking?

Just wondering how a bunch of fish

whose brains stopped evolving in the dinosaur era

learned how to organize.

Even the stupidest grunt learns to adapt pretty quick

if you want to stay alive.

They're going back for the body parts.

What the hell are they doing?

Man, I've seen some pretty crazy things in my life,

war, riots,

monkey riding a dog at a rodeo.

Even saw a one-armed man

fist-fighting a Hare Krishna this one time.

Yeah, thought I'd seen just about every stupefying,

mind-blowing thing on God's green creation.

This one's new to me.

They're building another one.

Another what?

Another shark dam.

I guess that's what you'd call it.

See, we've driven them off this site.

They're more than likely to look for another one

like this, narrow enough to build a dam.

In fact, I'm willing to bet they already have.

How? Why?

Why do sharks do anything? Food.

I thought the dam was trapping the sharks in the river,

but the storm drove them into the park,

and they discovered a smorgasbord.

If you found something like that,

would you eat your fill and continue on,

or would you start...

Look, this is where we are, choke point A.

If you're gonna trap live prey, you can't let it escape,

so you'd build a second choke point

further downriver to keep it contained.

There. I'm sure of it.

I know this river better than the damn water.

Look, the road ends right here,

and the paths aren't wide enough

for the truck to get through,

so we're gonna have to double back up

to the freeway and come around.

That's gonna take a while. No.

If you have a problem on the river,

you deal with it on the river.

Well, that's real good in theory,

but in case you hadn't noticed,

we don't have a boat.

Well, that would be a problem,

except I know where to get one,

and it's not too far from here.

God, no.

All right, team!

Ouch.

Is everybody in position?

May the best team win!

Us. May the best team win.

All right, ready, everybody?

Shouldn't we have a tour guide or something?

Yeah, they'll show up right after your testicles drop.

Everybody on your marks!

Now get set!

Go!

John!

John!

I got you!

What?! I said I got you.

I think I'm deaf.

Pick it up, Pullman!

Hurry up.

Let's go, everybody! Come on!

Come on there!

Come on, Synergy!

They're getting ahead us.

Come on, everybody! Let's go!

You gonna let Beezy beat us?

We can't let these wimps beat us!

Look at these guys! You gonna be on my team,

we're gonna beat these guys. Let's go.

Come on! Come on! Pick it up!

Look like a little child out there!

Suckers! Seriously!

Whose place is this?

It's Mark's.

You know, if we can get into the house,

we can probably use his phone.

No, he only has a cellphone.

You give me crap for only having a CB.

There should be some deer meat in there.

He was a hunter.

Deer meat?

Why do you need deer meat for?

Chum.

That ain't what chum is.

Whatever. It's blood, meat.

Come on, Carl. You're a fisherman.

Don't give me attitude.

I'm just trying to help.

Talking crap to me when I'm only trying to help you.

What's your plan for this other dam, anyway?

Same as the first one,

blow it to kingdom come.

With what?

Dynamite.

I used all my dynamite on the last one.

Seriously?

Don't you have some buried somewhere?

You're always prepared for everything.

Buried? Yeah.

Sorry. This whole river-shark scenario

never really factored into my long-term plans.

"Buried." Like it's some kind

of lost treasure or something.

I know that look.

I have an idea.

That's what I was afraid of.

Come on, guys. My grandmother can row

faster than that, and she's dead!

Pullman, what is that,

a string hanging from your shirt?

That's your arm!

That's your arm, Pullman!

You see that? Give me...

No! No! No!

No!

That thing's $400!

Yeah, well, you should be able to afford it now.

Letting go of 70 people back at the office

should save you a nice chunk of change.

What?

What's he talking about?

There's a layoff genocide

going on back at the office.

Tanner just dragged us out here to keep us distracted.

My man!

We're the chosen ones!

Tanner, is he serious?

Yeah. He's firing everyone who isn't here.

Look, John, despite what ugly rumors

you might have heard, you know,

sometimes you have to make

a little bit of a step backwards

to have a big leap forwards.

You know, you gotta break some eggs to make an omelet,

that kind of thing, you know.

This company... This company is run on teamship.

Teamship?

Yeah, teamship! I made up a word! Is that okay?

No! No, it's not okay, Tanner!

It's not okay at all!

S-Something's going on back there!

They're so far behind.

Everything, Pullman.

Do you know why nobody likes you, Tanner?

Why, John? Why do they not like me, John?

It's not because you're a liar

or that you're shallow

or that you have atrocious, just god-awful ideas.

And it's not the fact that you have no connection

to any kind of hardship that any human being would possibly go through

or the fact that you lack any clear vision at all

or the fact that you're completely unqualified

to run a business of any kind. No. No.

That's what they said about Jobs.

Okay, you did not just compare yourself to Steve Jobs.

You know why nobody likes you, Tanner?

It's because despite your creepily small hands,

you still expect everyone to like you.

I can't see them anymore.

Good. We're crushing them.

We got this!

We're winning. Keep going.

Keep going.

What the hell is that?

What? What?

Did you see a fin?

Shark!

My God.

Christie!

Shark!

Duck!

-My God. -My God.

You guys, go! Go! Paddle!

You know what I think?

I think you can take this retreat,

and you can take this company,

and you can shove it up your ruby-red ass,

because I quit!

You quit?

Yeah.

You... You quit?

You can't quit.

You know why you can't quit?

Because... Guys.

You are... Guys.

Guys! Fi... What?

Stella, look out!

John!

What is that?!

What is that?

What?!

No!

My God. My God.

Whaah! No!

No!

I want a raise!

You got it!

What the hell was that?

Man...

Crap! Keys aren't here.

I can hot-wire it. Here. Take these.

Where did you learn how to hot-wire a boat?

Mekong River.

Long story.

Anyway, how we plan on blowing this thing up?

Right here.

Thought it was pretty obvious

when I asked you to grab them.

We put the tanks in the dam.

We'll shoot the tanks. Kablooey.

Kablooey?

Yeah.

You're gonna blow up scuba tanks

by shooting 'em with a rifle?

Yeah. I saw it in a movie.

That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.

It'll work.

It might work.

Might?

It'll work. Come on.

Joline!

Where's Joline?

Who cares? Swim!

Joline! Joline!

They're over there!

Jorge, you okay?

I'll live. You?

I've been better.

What the hell was that?

Sharks, lots of 'em.

You're lucky you didn't lose your leg.

What? Here in the river?

Christie and her friend?

Relax, skinny. Bug out later.

For now, be thankful you're alive.

Yeah.

What?

You saved my life.

Yeah, I... I guess I did.

But why?

I don't know.

I... I didn't really think much about it.

It just kind of happened.

You were in the water, and I was in the water,

and I swam over.

Is everyone okay?

No! I'm not okay!

I'm not okay!

I'm the farthest thing from okay!

All right, calm down!

Just sit down!

It's over. Yeah.

We have to go find the others.

What?

We have to see if they're okay!

Yeah, we do.

No. No, no.

Give it everything you got.

Hey! No time for love just yet, you two.

Stay focused.

Need to keep your heads a little while longer.

Can you help him walk?

Might need a change of underpants,

but besides that, I'm okay.

About two miles up that way is a ranger station.

Get there, and...

Wait! Where are you going?

We're gonna rescue your friends.

Take us with you. We can't.

There's too many people weighing down the boat, we'll be swamped.

We'll chase them down, pick up your friends,

and meet up with you at the ranger station. Two miles downriver.

Stay close to the shore. You can't miss it.

Have them send everyone.

Everyone?

Everyone.

Are there any more of those things out there?

You need to go for a swim, Tanner, and check it out.

If it were down to it, I'd strap a bomb to myself,

swim out there,

let those suckers take me.

Boom!

Guys, guys, stop rowing.

We would have passed them by now.

Let's get off the river.

I'm with you, Pullman.

So you're in charge now?

Someone has to be.

Hey, we could paddle a little bit faster,

don't you think?

Why aren't we turning?

Hang on. Something's not right.

We're not changing direction at all.

My God.

What?

They're pulling us.

To where?

They're keeping us on the river.

Poor baby.

Seriously? I could have saved you, too.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Are you sure we're going the right way?

We're going the right way.

What? Are you some kind of wildlife guide?

This is the way they told us to go.

When Tanner announced the trip,

I looked up a map of the river online.

I studied the whole thing.

Why?

I like maps.

What's there to like?

They let you know there's a world out there

beyond what you can see.

We're going in the right way...

And here comes the "but."

But there's a chance we might be

on the wrong side of the river.

I got all discombobulated when we were,

you know, being murdered by sharks.

We're going in the right direction,

but that ranger station

might be on the other side.

No way! Ranger lady and Sergeant Nutjob back there

would have told us if it was on the other side.

Well, they were kind of busy saving people's lives.

It's not impossible to think that they forgot to tell us.

We're surrounded.

What do we do now?

I got it.

I know how we're gonna get through this.

You do?

Yeah. Come Monday morning, we're gonna dedicate

a memorial to the people that we lost today,

so I hope you can remember all of their names.

There's Sara?

Stella.

Stella! Stella. Right.

We need to work on a press release.

We at the company are deeply saddened

by the loss of our employees,

especially given the circumstances

that we were out here on this retreat. Blah-blah-blah.

What the hell are you doing?

Damage control, honey.

We need to get off this river.

It's called multitasking, and I think that we can get out of trouble

if we spin this just right.

You know, you are unbelievable!

You don't give a damn about any of us, do you?

N-N-N-No.

The checks haven't gone out yet. That's a win.

You know, I don't know which is worse, you or the sharks.

At least you don't see them

screwing each other over just to save a few bucks.

Give me one good reason

why we shouldn't throw you overboard right now.

Well, apparently someone's not listening.

The checks haven't gone out yet.

If you want your check,

you need it signed by me,

your captain, your boss,

your lord and savior!

So, Sara, how 'bout that memorial?

I quit.

Write it yourself. What?

I hate my job.

You're a terrible boss and a terrible person,

and you're an ugly human being!

You talking to me?

You're going to quit on me?

You can't quit!

You can't quit!

I won't let you quit!

And if you do, I will bury you!

You will be back to flipping...

My God!

My God.

Okay, okay. All right,

you're okay? Look at me.

You're okay. You're okay.

Okay. It's over.

My God.

What is that?

Is that a...

Is that a dam?

It's huge.

I've never seen anything like that in my life.

What? Like I have?

I've never even seen a shark until today,

let alone whatever the hell that thing is.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, game over, man.

Game o... I can't do this.

Kenny, snap out of it!

Hey, those were my favorite glasses.

Give me this.

What are you doing?

We're getting off this river.

Let's pull. We can do this.

I can see that.

That's all magical and wonderful and everything,

but how are we supposed to get ourselves over there?

Kenny, really?

You want to give me a hand here?

Yeah. This is genius.

Come on. Grab on.

Oof.

Pull her in slowly. Nice and easy.

That's it. We're getting there!

My God! No, No! Get it!

No!

What are they doing?

They're using the bodies to make the dam bigger.

My God.

Well, that's something you don't see every day.

Okay, okay.

Stella.

Give me your shirt.

My shirt?

Trust me. I have an idea.

That's good.

Ahem.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

I just... I-I've never seen... I just...

I've just never seen you so...

What?

I got this little...

You think can you give me the rest of the shirt so I can...

Stop. Ho!

Okay, okay, okay. Jeez.

Sorry. Sorry.

Okay, here's the plan.

This thing isn't letting up.

There's still a ton of those things out there.

We need to somehow draw them over here

so that Stella can shoot as many of them as possible,

which will then free us up to paddle like hell to shore.

I only have maybe a dozen arrows left.

Well, when you gotta do something, you do it right.

Kenny...

the ammo.

Boom.

The paintball cartridges.

I gotta say I really like this side of you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

They're my CO2 cartridges.

Okay, so how are we gonna draw 'em in?

I've been thinking about that.

I think we're gonna need some fresh blood.

Blood? Where are we gonna get blood?

We just gonna go down the river to the Red Cross

and ask them-!

What... What the hell, woman?

Solved your problem.

That you did.

Be all right there, buddy.

Man up, Kenny.

All right, let's start tying off some arrows.

I thought we were supposed to stay closer to the river.

There's a shortcut.

The river curves around a lot.

Are you okay?

That... That looks bad.

I... I don't think I can go any further.

Just go on without me, okay?

No. No, we can't go on without you.

You have to come.

It's okay. I got this.

Come on.

Look, I know you're in pain,

but I think you're stronger than you think you are.

What you did back there for Joline,

none of us could have done that.

You held it together,

and I need you to hold it together now.

Thanks, man.

So what do you say we get to that ranger station?

Sounds like a plan.

Are you sure they'll explode?

They'll explode.

Just make sure to go full force with the pull

to get maximum P.S.I. Don't hold back.

I won't be holding back.

All right, let's do this.

Hey, why do I have to do all the paddling?

Because it's great for your deltoids.

I like that. I like that.

All right.

Come and get it.

I think it's working.

Here they come!

Are you sure this will work?

Yeah, this... This should work.

Should?! Should?!

Yeah, yeah.

Whenever you're ready.

Keep paddling, Kenny!

Damn it!

This isn't gonna work!

Just keep paddling!

Keep paddling. Keep paddling.

Yes, yes. I know. I know.

Stella, I believe in you.

Draw with everything you got.

Smile, you son of a bitch!

Yes!

Keep going, Kenny!

We got this! Yeah.

No way!

I'm not crossing that.

We have to. The ranger station's

just on the other side of that hill.

Is it safe?

It's narrow, but it'll hold.

We'll have to go single file.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah.

Just stay on the log.

Go on.

Okay, I'm coming up behind you.

Okay.

Punch back!

Watch the teeth!

I think it's working. They're leaving.

What...

What was that? What... What happened?

I'm sorry, guys.

I'm so sorry.

What?

They got us.

Kenny! Kenny!

We're in trouble.

Okay, this can't be good.

A little quicker would be nice.

No!

No! Jorge!

Why?

Gotta keep going.

Concentrate!

Let's get off this log!

They're gone for now!

We haven't got much time.

All right, quick, swim to shore.

Don't have to tell me twice!

Stella!

Damn it, what is he doing?

I don't know.

I can't get...

Something's wrong. We need to get him.

What if those things are still out there?

What are you doing?

My foot! I'm stuck!

He needs our help! Let's go!

Wait.

Stella! I can't.

I can't. I'm so sorry, but I can't.

Really? I thought you were gonna strap on explosives

and take them all out.

Coward.

Unh!

My God.

This is crazy.

This is crazy.

This is crazy!

Raah!

Look! Over there!

Come on! Help me!

Give me your hand!

Here. Take him! He's not breathing!

I got him.

There you go.

Give me your hand!

John!

Breathe, John!

John!

Hey, I think you need to push harder on him.

Breathe!

John, breathe!

There you go.

Sharks!

No, no, no. No, no, you're here.

My God. Are you okay?

God, please tell me

he didn't give me mouth-to-mouth.

You're not my type.

What? No. I did.

Okay.

Actually, I was alive after the first breath.

After that, I just wanted to enjoy myself.

Did we win?

Not even close.

How the hell did this happen?

Where are all these sharks coming from?

It's a long story.

Dam and sharks...

Look, first we gotta blow up this damn dam,

and then we'll all have coffee,

and we'll explain everything, all right?

You had me at blow the damn dam up. Let's do it.

How the hell are we gonna do that?

Well, we got the tanks.

We got a gun.

Kablooey!

That's ridiculous.

That's what I said.

No, actually it's not a bad idea.

You remember that robot I told you about?

It operated on... on pneumatics,

like compressed air like this.

It's highly pressurized.

I... I also saw it in a movie once, so...

Told you so.

Right.

All right.

Let's do it.

Crap.

Don't worry. I got it. I got it.

No, no, no, no, no! Let go!

No! Carl!

Carl! No!

He is gone!

He's gone.

I'm sorry, but...

look, you said we had to blow up the dam.

Let's blow up the dam.

We gotta keep moving, all right?

The engine's shot.

I got an idea.

Are these steaks?

No. Venison.

On three.

1, 2, 3!

Here.

Shoot.

Jammed.

I got this! Please don't miss.

God.

God.

Let's get out of here. Come on.

God, yeah, yeah.

Let's get out of here.

Looks like we missed one.

Look out! He's gonna ram us!

Get down! Get down!

Okay, now let's go home.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's do that.

That's a good idea.