Original subtitles

(PLASTIC RUSTLING)

I am livid that it has come to this.

Well, Elijah, join the club, okay?

Here's your round brush, here's your Astroglide.

Don't even know how that ended up in my room.

Please don't sit on that chair if you're not wearing underwear.

You know what, actually, I'm gonna sit on this chair all day as much as I like.

Vagina back and forth forever, just my whole crotchal area spreading out.

It's my chair now.

- Oh, you're gonna keep that chair? - Yeah, because I talked to George

and I'm keeping everything that he paid for.

- He wants me to. And, wait, that's... - Everything.

I know, I know, I know. He paid for everything.

- Yeah. - But I resent the fact

that this was not a dialogue, this was a monologue.

Well, Elijah, there was no dialogue to have.

You're not a nice man, okay?

- You're a fink. - I'm a fink?

Yes, there's certain people, Elijah,

who are meant to remain in your past, all right?

I made a mistake trying to re-purpose you.

- Re-purpose me? - Mmm-hmm.

I'm not a vintage cardigan.

Also, I will not be paying rent this month.

- Uh, yeah, you will. - Actually, no, I won't.

First of all, I don't have the funds, so I can't.

Second of all, I've been doing some math

and, basically, I paid for all of your burritos junior year.

- On your own offer. - And they were way more expensive

than a normal fucking girl's burritos because you were constantly doing add-ons.

Spinach, guac, pecans.

It's not my fault that you didn't want to liven up your meal

and also, you know what, that's what a boyfriend does.

- They pay for things. - And I paid for our butt plug.

Well, you're probably still using it, so maybe you should pay me.

Butt plug.

-(DOOR OPENS) - Honestly.

(DOOR SLAMS)

And then once you get into Brooklyn, it's a left at DeKalb.

DeKalb... No, it's the name of a street, Pop.

Okay, thank you, sir.

Yeah, me, too. Very much.

Okay, bye. They're already on the road.

I mean, why does my mother need to get to every place early?

- What is that? - I hate when people are early.

It's so vile.

Well, we should get ready and beat 'em to the restaurant.

- They hate waiting. - What am I gonna eat at a steak house?

I only want spinach, but I know they're gonna force meat on me.

I can't even eat meat unless I'm menstruating.

I'm sure you'll find a delicate way of explaining that.

- How much time do we have? - We've got...

Not enough for that.

It's the good one.

- It is the good... Fuck. -(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Pops.

You know what I was thinking? How 'bout you use your GPS?

That's what it's for.

Okay, bye.

Let's have a look at the bad one.

HANNAH: You know, it's just a little celebration

because, you know, jazzhate.com is publishing my first piece.

- Congratulations. - Congratulations.

Thank you. Yeah, so I thought I would use that money

to make some people that I love very happy.

So I bought all organic, and I am making pad Thai.

- I love pad Thai. -(GIGGLES)

(DOOR OPENING)

AUDREY: I love it, too.

Hey, Marnie.

Hi.

Hello.

- I thought you said she wasn't coming. - Yeah, I know.

-It's confusing. I don't know. - Hannah, we should go. I'm sorry.

Okay, honestly, she and I are on horrible terms right now.

I just invited her as a gesture.

I did not think she would come.

It is, frankly, psychotic of her to show up.

What are you guys fighting about?

I cannot tell you because it would really, really hurt you.

Who, hurt who?

I'm sorry, lam a good girl.

- What... - I just think we should get out of here.

- We should go. - You should not go, okay?

If anyone should go, she should go.

You should not go.

I don't want to cause an issue, so I think I'm just gonna go.

Don't go.

And you don't go.

Nobody go.

Come on, baby.

CHARLIE: Just, can you tell them about it, Aud?

Okay, Okay-

So my friend Shelby and I are starting a mustard company.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

They're amazing. It's like they're sweet

and then they're spicy and then they go back to sweet.

- And I don't know how you do it. - That is so awesome.

Marnie, we need to get it together because this girl's starting a mustard company.

What have we ever done with our lives that's so great?

Nothing that great. Nothing with condiments.

So what are you up to, Marnie? I heard you were looking for a job.

Oh, no.

Actually, I've been hosting at the Wedgebrook Club.

So you're hosting, like, a slam poetry night

or an open-mic-night type thing?

I'm a hostess.

So when people come to the restaurant, you, like, show them where their table is?

- Yes. - Got it.

- Sorry. -(DOOR OPENS)

Don't freak out. We're here.

Hi. I'm really sorry that we're late, but we couldn't get a cab,

and then we got a cab and then the cab's late...

- What's up? - Here because I lost my earring

in the cab and so we had to stop and pull over

and I had to find it and it was just, like, this whole thing.

Hey, we're adults, okay?

We're all adults. You can tell them we had sex.

Okay? That's why we're late, because we had sex.

I'm so sorry. I totally lied to you all.

You guys have sex before dinner?

SHOSHANNA: This place looks amaze.

Thank you. I feel I really cleaned up in my divorce from Elijah.

Seriously, though, I really think that the best years of your life

are totally gonna happen here.

Happening.

What is that smell, though?

Noodles. Noodles are so hard to make.

Oh, fuck!

- They're fine. - So where do you get your headbands?

Would you stop worrying about your car?

Giuliani fixed New York.

They stole my car radio. Okay?

- So don't tell me not to worry. - Hey, don't rock the boat, all right?

Hey. HEY-

- Oh, hey. - Hey, Pop.

- Hi. Congratulations. - How are you doing?

- Thanks, Mom. - Hi.

- My God. - This is Jessa.

Hi!

They wouldn't seat us because our whole party's not here.

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

- We were... -it's me. I'm always late to everything.

- It's awful. - She's always late for everything. It's awful.

- It's lovely to meet you, Jessa. - You, too.

I mean, I hate this restaurant,

but I don't even care 'cause I'm so happy to meet you guys.

That's sweet.

- Who's hungry? - I'm hungry.

- Starving. - Okay, I'll get us set.

Oi!

I just don't think anyone should do anything they're not comfortable with,

especially when it comes to sex.

Well, yes, Marnie. That's the principle behind not raping people.

I don't know, just, unlike you, I'll do almost anything sexually.

I feel like the only thing that I won't do ever again is a butt plug.

MARNIE: Ah, she has limits.

(LAUGHS)

- What's a butt plug? - No.

You know what a butt plug is.

- You wanna take this one? - Shosh...

- Really? - Shosh, it's a plug for your butt.

No, but why would you... Why would you wanna plug it...

- Why would you wanna... - CHARLIE: Sexual situations.

Yeah, it's, like, for men.

'Cause, like, your prostate is a stimulating area,

I think, and it's just in your butt.

It's like having a clit in your butt.

Do you want that?

- No. - HAN NAH: He wants it.

Every guy wants it. Elijah begged for it.

So he was asking you to plug his butt

and you still had doubts

-about his homosexuality? -(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, and a lot of people like some, you know, some shit up their butthole, right?

Ugh.

What?

Oh, I have a thing. I hate that word.

She doesn't like the word butthole.

- Yeah. - Butthole?

Ugh, stop. Please don't.

-It's her trigger word. - Yeah.

- Butthole. - Stop saying it! Seriously...

Butthole sends you over the edge?

- Yes, it's awful. - Really?

Maybe you don't like it 'cause you're imagining his butthole right now

and now there's a very adorable little sentry guarding it

and you no longer have access to said butthole.

I mean, no offense... Don't take this the wrong way,

but I spend no time of my life

thinking about that part of your body.

- Glad it doesn't take up your day. -(LAUGHS)

Well, you're clearly thinking a little bit about his butthole.

Whoa!

I don't think so. What makes you think that?

I don't know, I mean, showing up places all the time

to see your ex-boyfriend when he's with his new girlfriend?

Are you talking about tonight?

I was invited here by Hannah.

Well, yeah, I didn't really think you'd show up,

considering you had so recently double-crossed me.

Oh, and there was the time that you showed up at his door

in the middle of the night, asking to sleep in his bed.

- You did that? - You told her?

He was fucking guilty, as he should be.

He fucking let me in.

What was he gonna do, turn away a crying mess?

- He probably thought you'd slit your wrists. - Audrey.

No, she's too self-involved to commit suicide.

What the fuck is your problem?

I'm tired of being polite.

- You're a fucking Stepford psycho... - All right, can you...

And I'm tired of seeing you around everywhere.

- So then leave. - You leave.

Hannah, who would you like to leave?

Charlie can pick who leaves.

Are you fucking serious?

Grow up.

Excuse me, I am grown up. That's why I cooked all this food.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Honestly, no one pay that any mind.

She does this all the time. Just continue to have a ball.

You don't need to stop talking.

I love what I made.

Ray, are you still staying at that place in Boerum Hill?

- It sounded really nice. - No, in Boerum Hill?

My godmother, she actually, you know, it's her place.

So she had to come up earlier than expected from Florida

because she's doing rehab for her knee surgery.

- So I was ousted of that place. - Where are you staying now?

Now? Well, now I'm kind of...

You know, I'm kind of bouncing around a little bit.

-(MUFFLED SPEECH) - Yeah.

- Bouncing around. - From where to where?

- Where are you going? - Just the bathroom.

- That's not the bathroom. - Are you... Is he leaving?

That's the, I mean, that's the front door.

HANNAH: So you're staying, like,

just different people's houses, different neighborhoods?

Well, now I'm, you know, I'm kind of just divvying it up,

amongst my buddies, you know.

Just kind of a few days here...

Well, you stay with me a lot. He stays with me a lot.

Yeah, sometimes I stay with her.

You kind of stay with me a lot.

I mean, like, you were there on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday

and then Thursday and then the week before,

and then, the week before...

That... You...

Oh, my God! Do you live with me?

What'd you say?

So, Jessa, it sounds like you've traveled a lot.

I have,yeah.

What sorts of places have you been?

- I've been, all of them. - All of them.

Europe, mainly, except Spain, because I'm avoiding someone.

Jordan, the Arab Emirates, Iran...

She's like a dove of peace.

My mom traveled quite a bit.

What for?

I don't know. Why does anyone travel?

- I can think of some reasons. - That's a good question.

- Lots of people travel for work. - Right.

- Did your mom work? - She tried it once. I don't think she liked it.

- Ah. - And what do you do?

Um, as far as, like...

Well, like, Taj here

always dated very ambitious women.

What was that one, she ran the Oprah Network or something?

- Oh, Dad, we don't need to talk about Fern. - Fern! Fern.

Fern? That's a ridiculous name.

You know, Jessa is actually a very talented artist.

- Oh. - And she's just trying to work out right now

which avenue to go down.

Um, probably graphic design, I think is...

THOMAS-JOHN SR.: What college you go to?

Oberlin College. Oberlin College.

- Oh, but that's a very good school. -It is a good school.

You know, I only went there for seven months.

- Oh, you did? - Yeah.

Well, you know what I always say,

seven months is better than no months at all.

Oh, that's a great saying.

So, Jessa, why did you leave?

- I had to go to rehab. - Ugh.

Oh, so you're back on the drink again? That's great.

Yeah, no, come on. I've been drinking since I was a child.

- It's not alcohol. - Of course.

It was for heroin, actually.

Oh.

You know, Jessa does her own hair.

I've always wondered about heroin.

I always wondered, like, what it would feel like.

- What it is when you take something... - Big Taj.

...and you just disappear in it. Hmm?

No, it's delicious. It's amazing.

But if it didn't ruin your whole body

and your whole life, we'd all be on it right now.

You know, practically coming out of our eye sockets.

Would we? Would we, though?

I never shot it. I only snorted it.

- That's important. - Yeah, it's just like an Advil.

You know the kind of movies I like

are movies about schoolgirls who fall in love.

- That's not creepy, Dad. - I do, too, actually.

I love you. I love your way.

- Thank you. - Can I just, for the record, can I just point out

that I have never seen Jessa take heroin

in the whole time that we've known each other.

Fabulous. (CHUCKLES)

You certainly have lived a lot.

I guess so. I guess so.

Oh, but it's very impressive, especially since I haven't heard a word about work.

Um...

Yeah, well, I'll figure it out.

- She's resourceful. - Mmm.

Must be very nice to find yourself in such a...

Successful situation.

Situation?

Well, what is one supposed to call it?

Well, one's supposed to call it a marriage, Mom.

-(JANE SCOFFS) - Or a union.

- A union of souls. - Yeah.

JANE: Union. Excuse me.

Well, I would just like to thank the Lord

that you weren't hurt,

especially in the face and especially on your body.

- JESSA: Aw. -Oh, my God.

Well, I wish there was a Lord...

- Oh, my... - But I know there isn't.

And this is why we didn't invite you to the wedding.

Hey, it's me.

I'm sorry about Audrey.

She's...

Being a total fucking cunt.

Seriously, she's being really rude.

She's insecure.

Why? Are her mustards not receiving enough accolades?

No, because she knows how much you mean to me.

You're such a big part of my life.

No one knows me better than you do, you know?

And that's a hard spot to fill, so she's threatened.

You have to try and understand that.

She's not intimidated by me. Why would she be?

I'm a hostess.

I don't know what the next year of my life is gonna be like at all.

I don't know what the next week of my life is gonna be like.

I don't even know what I want.

Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me,

like, this is how you should spend your days

and this is how the rest of your life should look.

I don't know. I mean, but she's just, she's not intimidated.

Okay, yeah, fine. Yeah, you're right.

There's no way that she could be intimidated

because you're not smart or beautiful

or incredibly clean.

You...

Hey, hey. Hey, I'm seeing someone.

Which someone?

- Booth Jonathan. - Oh.

What?

Oh.

That little Ewok in fucking capri pants?

He's a brilliant artist, and he's of average height.

Nothing can erase what you and I had.

- That's not possible. - Stop. Look,

just know in your head

that you will never again get any...

Any of this.

- Where are you going? - I'm going, gone.

I think I just feel how everyone feels,

which is I have three or four

-really great folk albums in me. -(DOOR OPENS)

- Where'd Audrey go? - Where do you think, Charles?

Fuck. She pissed?

That you followed your ex-girlfriend to the roof?

No, not at all. Why would she be pissed?

Yeah, well, maybe she just felt a little bit used.

- You okay? - Mmm-mm, no. Not okay.

But we can talk about it when we get back to our shared home,

which we apparently share.

And I would've liked to have been informed of that fact,

so I could have, like, bought some new sheets

or called my aunt for advice about living with a man for the first time!

- We don't live together. - Really? Really?

So where do you live when you're not living in my house

seven days a week?

In my Mitsubishi, technically.

Technically.

- Nothing Bundt trouble? - CHARLIE: Fucking Marnie.

You know, she comes in here like a stalker with no sense of what's socially appropriate,

and she just drives out my sweet, sweet, sweet girlfriend.

She's a... Ugh. She's a cunt.

You're a jerk.

- What? - You know the kind of year that she's had.

Okay, first, you guys break up,

then her dad loses his job, then she loses her job,

then she has sex with a gay man, then she has to come over here

and deal with your needs and your whining. I'm sorry, you're a fucking jerk.

- What gay man? - That is none of your concern.

- I thought you weren't even talking to her. - I'm not talking to her.

'Cause she's a jerk, too.

- I was telling them about my life. - Yeah? Really?

You told me not to say anything about the tattoos or about the honeymoon

or how we returned the dogs to the pet store.

You told me not to say anything.

I mean, what was I supposed to do, lie?

Oh, oh. God forbid.

Like that would be the worst thing you ever did.

You think you're such a fucking free spirit

because you shacked up with me for two months?

I have been living this life for 25 fucking years.

I am going to look 50 when I'm 30.

- Yes, you are. - I am going to be so fucking fat like Nico.

And you know why? That's because I'm gonna be full of experiences.

But you, you'll have only lived with me.

- That'll be the one thing you've got. -(LAUGHING)

- You're just... It disgusts me. - Oh, it disgusts you?

You don't seem so fucking disgusted when you're spending my money.

- Oh, come on. - Oh, come on?

What, the money is irrelevant to you?

You think I think it's an accident that you ended up

with the only fucking finance guy

who actually made a profit from the recession?

I'm a miracle! I'm a unicorn!

I'm a fucking needle in a haystack

and you're just some fucking dumb hipster who's munching my hay.

- I know what you are. - Oh, you do?

You're just some scared guy

who didn't get laid until they were 16.

No one liked you in high school and no one likes you now.

I'm embarrassed when we walk down the street

because you're so fucking average.

I tell my friends that you were born a test-tube baby

just so you have a little edge.

This is the worst mistake I've ever made.

(LAUGHING) You're my worst nightmare.

Seriously, this is...

I've never made a mistake like this before.

Oh, shit! Fuck!

What am I gonna do now?

Seriously, what am I gonna do now?

You know why I like hookers, Jessa?

They respect me.

They don't say, "Oh, I like your apartment,"

but then mumble under their breath

about it looking like the set of gay Entourage.

And they don't buy a bunch of fucking Buddhas

and put 'em everywhere

so it looks like whenever we're having sex, we're being watched by a bunch of fat babies.

You're a ridiculous person.

And you're just a whore,

with no work ethic.

Fuck!

Fuck it!

You...

- You hit me in the face? - Yeah, grow up.

Fine.

How much?

Excuse me?

How much money do you need to fucking leave?

Ugh, go fuck yourself.

$30,000.

$10,000.

Eleven and a half thousand

because I did things I shouldn't have done and I did things I didn't want to do.

Fine. Whatever. Just fucking take whatever you want, Jessa.

You know what the best thing about this is?

You have another fucked-up story to add to your collection.

And someday, some fucking asshole

is gonna make a movie out of your life and it's gonna be called,

Hi, I'm Jessa, and I Destroy People's Lives 'Cause I'm Fucking Bored.

"Global Equities Graham-Brustein Humanitarian Award."

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

- You fucking... -(GLASS SHATTERS)

- Prick. - That was my Humie.

I won that for being a fucking humanitarian.

I'm in between places, okay?

You're older than me. You should have your own place.

I know. I know.

And you should have more interests

and passions and things that you do.

I mean, when you get up every day, there's nothing.

It's like, unless you're going to work, you don't have any...

You can't pay for anything...

Just say it! Just fucking say it.

I'm a loser.

I'm a huge fucking loser.

- Say it. Say it. -I...

You don't think I was counting down the days until you figured it out?

Why didn't you tell me that you had no house?

I don't know. Maybe I wasn't that excited to tell

my beautiful, cute, smart, 21-year-old girlfriend

that I'm a 33-year-old homeless guy

whose one valuable possession in this world is a signed picture of Andy Kaufman.

I'm a fucking loser in a lot of ways, Shoshanna, you know that?

You know, it's like...

Like, what makes me worth dating, you know?

What makes me worth fucking anything?

I am falling in love with you.

(TRAIN SCREECHING)

That's a crazy thing for you to say.

It's way too early for you to say something like that.

Way too early.

You don't... That's not something that, you know...

I'm sorry.

(WOMAN TALKING OVER PA)

I love you so fucking much.

-(TRAIN SCREECHING) - What?

I love you so fucking much.

I don't believe that anybody

Feels the way I do about you now

'Cause all the roads We have to walk are winding

And all the lights That lead you there are blinding

There are many things that I

Would like to say to you But I don't know how

'Cause maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves...

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God. You scared me so much.

Are you okay?

No, don't get up.

(SNIFFLES)

(SOBBING)

(BLOWS NOSE)

Oh, my God, Jessa.

What?

You just snot-rocketed in the tub.

That was gross?

That's so gross.

I'm sorry you're upset, but that is so gross.

You wouldn't do that?

Not even I would do that.

I pee in every bathtub I ever get in and I wouldn't do that.

Honestly.

Get it away. Float it back in your way!

No, I'm sad!

Float it back your way!

Keep it in your area.

Leave it! It's gross!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I really love you.

I'm really sorry you're sad.

- I just need to get rid of your snot. - Ah!

(MUSIC PLAYING)