Original subtitles

Removes hair.

Lasts up to eight weeks.

Press and pull.

Okay.

- Bert? - I heard someone say my name.

- Bert? Are you okay? - Nikki? I need help.

- I'm stuck. - What's going on?

Hold on. Brace yourself in the "Me Too" culture.

- Okay. - You're going to see my butthole.

I'm gonna see your butthole?

If you're comfortable with it, please move forward.

Okay, I am consenting to seeing your butthole right now.

- Here's the problem we're in. - Oh, my God!

- I have a wax strip right there... - Stop it.

...and it's stuck. I need help. Please just rip it off.

In the direction of my hair.

- Right. So down. - Please, in the direction of my hair.

Oh, my God. You have the lowest asshole.

You gotta pull quick and I gotta hold taut.

Ready? And...

- No, I'm touching it! - It stung, Nikki.

Dude!

- Wait. - Who is that?

That's Caitlyn Jenner.

- Oh, shit. Hold on. - Do not have your...

Clean these... Shit, it's on my fucking shoe.

- Am I interrupting anything? - No, you're at the right place.

- I'm Bert. This is my friend, Nikki. - What are you... Ugh!

- Nikki, so what do you got on there? - Don't worry about that.

- Hi, good to see you again. - I didn't disrupt anything?

No, just a little spring cleaning.

My name is Bert Kreischer.

I'm a father, a husband and a stand-up comedian

and I jam way too much into my days.

I do stand-up, hang out with friends in the green room,

drink, engage with fans, drink more, get a veggie burrito.

I'm working on my diet. Get another burrito.

They're kinda healthy. Go home.

Talk to my family, do something nice for LeeAnn,

do a podcast about parallel universes,

do bicep curls, do Georgia's homework, work on my moves, do Ila's homework,

don't understand it but close enough, spend time with Izzy,

Good girl! Go to New York, spread out and get comfy,

taxi on the runway for 20 minutes, but it's all good.

Chug a beer at a hockey game, get on the Jumbotron, get on a helicopter,

go to Chicago, three shows, three encores,

go back to the airport, fly home, pass out face-first on the lawn,

hit rock bottom.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with LeeAnn,

tell her I'm fine, but deep down I know my lifestyle's catching up with me

and if I keep going like this, I'll have a heart attack.

I'll take some time away, go to the wilderness, I'll eat, I'll pray,

I'll love, I'll journal, meditate, hydrate, contemplate, isolate.

I'll get better.

I promise.

This has been a interesting body episode.

- Yeah. - We waxed my ass.

It started off with me seeing your ass.

Yeah.

For me, this whole episode is about getting my body healthy.

I was having a problem where my ass hairs were tying together when I ran,

- so I wanted to wax them off. - Yeah.

Oh, right.

Sometimes when you come out here, you force the conversation,

and that's what I love about what we had out here, was that

despite how silly or ridiculous the activity was we always ended up

stopping and just talking,

which made this like such a seamless... fun day.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I think what we all bring, or at least I hope to bring,

- is always just honesty and authenticity... - Oh, yeah.

No one's more honest than Caitlyn Jenner.

I proved that.

I mean, that's... You're the pinnacle of just,

"This is who I am, fuck you if you don't like it."

Which is what we're all trying to, you know, strive towards.

So tell us what we're doing today.

We're gonna have a competitive match of ax throwing against this board here.

And then at one point, can I do the one between the legs like that?

You can, but does your insurance cover scrotums?

- Yep. - We're good.

All right, we're good.

Caitlyn, you said your father was in the tree-trimming business?

Jenner Tree Service in Connecticut.

- So you know your way around an ax? - I know what an ax is.

- My dad was an ax murderer. - Oh!

So, I haven't been around it, but it's in my blood.

And so is my mom's blood, is everywhere in there.

- Yeah. - On the crime scene.

Were you just there on the side thinking of all this?

- You were thinking of ax jokes? - No, I just came up with it.

- What could my dad have done with an ax? - Yeah, write that down.

- Yeah. - There you go.

Okay.

- There you go. - I did it!

All right, here we go.

- Caitlyn, do it! - Here we go.

Nice.

- A little high. - How do you say "bullseye" in Español?

Oh, fuck.

- Goddamn it. - That was kind of scary.

Like when you have sex, accidentally put it in her butt.

You're like, "Ooh, here we go."

Often a guy will say "bullseye" before he does it.

I've heard "Bullseye! Oh, fuck!" a lot of times and I go, "You meant that."

What did you guys think about ax throwing?

It felt cathartic, I see the appeal of it.

I really got some feelings out that I needed to get out.

I don't often do something that's just like... Yeah!

- And it felt good. Yeah. - Really?

Would it be good if she yelled out some mantra as she threw it?

- Something that angers her? - What angers me?

- "Inequality!" - Other women's success!

- "Other women's success!" - That's...

I think she's talking to you.

Society's expectations of women!

Nikki, what was your motivation before each throw?

It was just to look inside myself and go like,

"What's really bothering you? Just scream it into the air."

"Other women that have been in the business and do better than me."

Yes, just like getting out your things of like, "That's a dumb thing to be..."

No, it's not dumb. It's what everyone fucking says in their head.

And we say it too!

If you're really looking inside yourself you're motivated by like...

Does that nose ring go all the way through?

- No, fake. - It's a fake nose ring!

- Shut up! - Fake it!

No one needs to get their nose pierced anymore. You just get infected.

I've had one before. It's a nightmare.

You just pop it in and out, everyone thinks it's real.

No one thinks it's not.

- Where did the name Caitlyn come from? - Throw, it's a long story.

Messed your ass up. Yeah.

Try naming yourself. That's, like, the most difficult thing you can do.

- I had all sorts of names. - Yeah?

And my assistant at the time goes, "I always loved the name Caitlyn."

- My God, it's on my top three. No way! - Yes!

She goes, "Yeah, but you should spell it C-A-I-T-L-Y-N."

- Yeah. - I said, "That's perfect."

I'm not going with a "K".

Yeah. Oh, that would make sense.

- There's gotta be a little separation. - I'm going, "Really?"

When I told Kim, she goes, "What's your name?"

I said "Caitlyn," she goes, "Oh, good, you stayed with the Ks."

- I'm going, "No, not so fast." - "Not so fast, honey."

When did you find out, "This is a thing that other people...

This might not just be me."

When the Internet started.

That changed everything.

Trans people would have a website, and...

all of a sudden it kind of opens us up

where today there's literally millions of...

sites, places you can go to get information on it.

It's nice when you have something going on in your head

to know that it's not... Like, I have anxiety and OCD

and I thought I was crazy my whole life.

Then one day someone explained it and I went, "That's what I got!"

- "I have a thing that has a name!" - Like, "Oh, my God!

I'm not the only one out there?"

- Are we ready? Is this my last one? - Yes.

Okay, I need some points here.

My whole goal is just to beat you so my dad says I'm his hero.

- That's a bullseye! - Bullseye, yeah!

What does that get me, a thousand points?

- Yes. - Six points?

Caitlyn won?

I thought it was great from my standpoint. A great come-from-behind victory.

You are the come-from-behind victory person in life.

I know. In life, it is.

What was the decathlon you did, I think it was the qualifyings

where everyone was like, "Who the fuck is that?"

- The Olympic trials in 1972. - That's it. The Olympic trials in 1972.

- Yes. - And you came from out of nowhere.

I was in eleventh place after five events in the decathlon.

And then you came in and I feel like...

I beat this guy by 18 seconds in the 1,500 meter.

- Eight seconds? - I beat him by 20 seconds.

I feel like that happened to me at the ax throwing today

- Here we go. - Trick shot.

Trick shot?

- Heads up everybody. - Your last throw, I'm still reliving it.

Old trick-shot Kreischer.

- Oh, shit! - Jesus, Bert!

- Fucking... Fucking shit! - Okay, you're done.

Okay, everybody's alive.

We're done, thank you!

- Thank you. - That's a wrap.

I got to be honest, that wasn't my nickname in high school.

Anyone else wanna try the trick shot?

That's okay, we're done. You're done with the ax, okay?

- Come on, let's get chainsaws. - Yeah, let's do a chainsaw throw next.

So how's it going today? Are Nikki and Caitlyn getting along?

Almost too well. I feel like I'm the third wheel.

- That's good. - Yeah.

What stinks is that I wanted them to meet Fortune Feimster

but it's not gonna happen now.

- Is she coming up later? - No. She was already here. She left.

Oh!

Hello?

Fortune.

- Is that a mud bath? - A mud bath.

I figured if I timed it out right, you'd show up and help hose me off.

I can do that. I'd love to hose you off. Wait, am I about to see a wiener?

- If you want to I can take my pants off! - No!

- You ready? - Yep.

That's cold. I hooked it up to hot water!

Jesus, that's fucking ice cold!

Get it off! Make it quick!

Um... do I win a prize?

- Go inside here too. - Oh, my God, I just saw your dick.

- Is that your first one? - Second one.

- In life? For real? - I gave a hand job once in high school.

Do you want me to put the jet on the...?

I thought you were gonna ask if you wanted a hand job.

"Do you want a hand job? I'll show you how I did it?"

Would you like me to dust off the old hands?

- We're making goat's milk ice cream - Oooh...

- And then we put this on like this. - Okay.

I've been around a lot of balls today.

- Is that good? - Man, this ball is... You just shake it?

Here, I'll just shake.

- Oh, I gotta shake it. Okay. - Yeah, you gotta... And then shake.

And it's ready. No, I'm kidding.

- And that's it. - Do you know who's coming over today?

- Who? - Caitlyn Jenner.

- Nuh-uh. - Yeah.

- That's pretty cool. - It is pretty cool

- Were you a Bruce Jenner decathlon... - I was too young.

Oh, okay.

I said to my kids, "You know, I'm meeting Caitlyn Jenner."

They're like, "Who's Caitlyn Jenner?" I go, "Well, she's a

older lady who won the men's decathlon in 1976."

They're like, "What?" I was like, "Don't worry."

You know, one day that won't sound odd?

That's where the future's going. One day the kids will be like, "Hey, Dad,

a lot of old ladies win the men's decathlon in 1976.

100%.

I think this is the most intimate I've ever been with a man.

It's the most intimate we've ever gotten together.

Fuck!

- You went right to jet! - I got it in the hole.

You saw a wrinkle and went right to jet!

Am I straight?

Am I currently cheating on my fiancée?

We're both cheating in the worst way possible.

When did you know you were gay?

I came out at 25.

What was your relationship with your dad? How was he with it?

I think I was more nervous, 'cause I was just like

I don't know how to do this with my dad.

- Yeah. - And so I asked my mom to be there.

- You told your mom first? - I told her first.

I asked my mom to be there. We were in a park

and I said to my dad, I'm like, "Dad, I gotta tell you,

I'm gay."

And he, because we've never had, like, a deep conversation,

he didn't know what to say,

but he wanted to support me, so he just kept going.

"All right, you're my daughter. You're my daughter.

I love you.

You'll always be my daughter." And he kept saying it.

And my mom was like, "Mike, she knows she's your daughter."

"She's telling you she's gay."

And all these people turn and I'm like, "Shut up, Mom!"

"She's gay, Mike! Look at her!"

- And he's like, "She's my daughter." - Then I'm yelling at my mom.

- "Mom!" - "Get out of here!"

"Well, you asked me to be here."

It's a full-on family fight.

- You ever milked a goat? - I've never milked anything.

That looks like a sheep. Is a sheep a goat?

Um... that does look like a sheep.

- Well, what makes a better ice cream milk? - Goat's milk.

- Okay. - We gotta try to jerk off the sheep too.

You and I are gonna be...

The double...

Spring break '86!

I should've come out to my dad.

- As what? - Just, as gay, and see how he reacted

to see if he really loved me.

He'd probably know that you were messing with him.

- I used to dress up as women in college. - What, like as a fraternity thing?

No.

- Just for shits and giggles. - More like, I could get away with it

'cause I was a loud guy. We'd all dress up as chicks, just go out and party.

- Like, in dresses? - More like a onesie for a woman.

- Like, where it's... - Like a jumper or a romper?

- A romper. - Yeah.

Are you gonna bring the romper look back?

I would bring it back in a heartbeat if I was skinnier.

- Okay. - Fat romper looks never look good.

- That's why I don't wear a romper. - Me either!

Let's see if we can get milk out of this thing.

- All right. Okay. - Here we go.

All right, I got her.

You really do not have her, for the record.

All right, come on, baby. Here we go.

No, not...

Did you really just go like this?

No, you go...

Here! Here!

- I'm going straight tap. - Okay, hold on.

Oh, my God.

Too much.

- It's in my eyes. - Oh, my God.

- It doesn't taste like I thought. - No.

Good job.

Why'd she leave? She couldn't stay the whole day?

Uh... Long story, LeeAnn. I decided to wax my ass.

What?

Fortune!

- Yeah. - I'm changing and I need your help.

Okay. Hold on.

Fortune!

- Where are you? - Back here.

- Fortune. - One second

- Where are you going? - Hmm...

I gotta get something out of my car.

What are you getting in your car?

- Fortune! - I'll be back!

Fortune! I need your... Fortune!

Fortune!

I'd have needed help.

And so I was going to do it and then have her help me

and I guess it spooked her and she ran.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah. I know.

It all turned out good though. Nikki and Caitlyn are getting along great.

- Okay, well, you have fun up there. - I will.

Hey, you guys want to lasso?

- Yeah. - Nikki, it's a rope.

This remind you of any good dates?

Good question, Caitlyn!

- Wait, I don't get that joke. - No, it's not a joke, it's a question.

- Do you like getting tied up? - Oh, my God. Yeah.

- There it is. - No one's ever used a rope before.

- That's why it didn't summon anything. - What is it, ties?

Yeah, like restraints at the end. My boyfriend bought a whole rig.

- Handcuffs. - Yeah.

I like it because you don't have to do any work.

I know.

- I'm going to ask you a question. - Please.

I can guarantee you it's a question you've never been asked before.

When did you know you were a girl?

When someone told me? I don't really know the answer to that.

Bert, when did you know that you were a boy?

I mean, I knew I was attracted to women.

I remember the first time I saw Wonder Woman, I was like,

"Oh, shit, that's a..."

Here's the thing and where both of you are getting it a little bit wrong.

- What? - Being trans

has nothing to do with sexuality.

It has everything to do with identity.

Too many people think of it as "you're gay."

I mean, people, "Oh, my God, was Bruce gay all the time?"

No, it had nothing to do with sexuality, it had it all to do with gender identity.

You just cleared that up for me.

That's why they changed the name from transsexual,

because it had a sexual orientation, to transgender.

Right.

Caitlyn, do you like getting kinky?

- Do I like getting kinky? - Like, tied up and stuff?

- No, honestly I don't. Yeah. - Really? I do.

I'm so boring.

- Bert, have you ever tied LeeAnn up? - I asked her if I could tie her up once

and she said, "Why?"

She goes, "You have heart problems, what if you have a heart attack?"

- Hey! - Wow, good job!

This story's going somewhere! We got a lasso.

You guys are talking sex,

- I'm practicing. - I know.

- Do you still run? - No, I don't.

I have not run since the day of the Games.

Oh, my God.

Did your dad get to see you win the Olympics?

Yes.

- Oh, shut up! - Actually... Yeah.

Everything about me ultimately comes down to wanting my dad to be proud of me.

Well, that's one thing that bothers me now.

He's the only one that

didn't have the opportunity to see me live my life authentically.

At first, I think he would say, "You're what?"

Yeah.

'Cause I never showed any signs of it, it was something I lived with internally,

but I would hope to think that once he saw the things that I was doing

and trying to bring understanding to a lot of these issues...

Hmm... Yeah, I think he'd be proud.

Do you think we're going to become friends?

No.

- Sorry, I laughed. - Nikki, you and I...

the best.

Yes! Yes, that is all I've ever wanted.

Just 'cause you guys are the same shoe size.

Oh, my God. Is Kendall too?

Do you ever ask your daughters if you can borrow money?

No, but you know what?

- I have ten children... - Yeah?

...and not one child has ever asked me for a dime.

Wow!

That is a good parent.

- That's a good parent. - That's bringing them up right, baby.

- That's good. - This is gonna be my daughters,

"Dad, I've got a business plan. I've started making dream catchers

and I was thinking if you put them on your Instagram,

we could sell a lot of dream catchers."

- I'd buy one. - How many followers do you have?

- A million. - How many you got?

- Uh... half a million. I have a good following.

Maybe what we could do is I'll post something the two of us together.

Hey, guys, what am I? The fucking Ghost of Christmas Past?

I'm right here.

She doesn't wanna be friends with you, Bert.

In my family, I'm nobody as far as Instagram.

- Well... - No shit.

- I have ten million followers. - You have ten million?

You have ten million followers?

Put these down, let's get our phones out and send out a fucking tweet!

Shit, everybody, what's up? Caitlyn, me and Nikki!

- Hanging out. Besties! - Hey!

- Okay, now I tag you. - Follow them!

No, you're going to re-post it and then they're going to follow us.

- I'm gonna post this? Okay. - Don't worry, I got you.

Do you think, after our Instagram post, any of your famous children will...

- Cheers. - No, I want more wine.

Jesus Christ, it's not all about you.

- I am so sorry. - It's out already?

Oh, my God. I got a half a glass!

I killed it, I'm sorry.

I've been listening. I'm an active listener.

Do you think any of your children will follow us after our Instagram post?

Doubt it.

- Fuck. - I'm going to earn it the right way.

If you bring Nikki into your inner circle before me, I'm going to be so hurt.

- We exchanged numbers already. - You did not exchange numbers!

- Yeah, we did. Sorry. - Yep.

- We're going to shoot from here? - Let's do it.

Hang on, wait! No, hold on. That doesn't mean just start shooting.

- I haven't told you what to do. - Okay. Yeah.

Jesus Christ, Nikki.

I guess you're Johnny Appleseed and...

Johnny Appleseed's the guy that got everyone pregnant.

- Okay. - This is William Tell.

That was my idea from a long time ago. I've always wanted to do William Tell.

That was really fun. Thank you for sacrificing yourself to us.

That was very good.

- All right, here we go. - Caitlyn, that's right at my face.

This is gonna hit me in the throat.

Ooh! Mine was close.

Bert, do your interview. What's going on here, dude?

- I'm trying to. - This is your show, be a professional.

- Be a professional. - So, Caitlyn...

Oh!

- Caitlyn, can I ask you a question? - Yeah, go ahead.

- You ask her, Nikki! - What is it?

- Do you miss peeing standing up? - Not at all.

To be honest with you, in the old days, I never stood up.

Ha!

- I don't stand up either! - Yeah!

Yes! That's awesome. Why should...? I wouldn't either.

Sitting's awesome.

All I'm thinking is the huge missed opportunity

for me to do this entire episode dressed as a woman.

I could have been legit and experimented...

to see how I felt while we do all this fun stuff outside.

I've brought all sorts of people out. But anyways, so...

- Are you wearing a cup, Bert? - No, let me tuck it in between.

Okay, yeah, tuck it.

- My balls, I got a fruit basket. - Wash your hands!

I'm not sharing the veggie tray with you anymore.

Oh!

- Come on, that was good! - Oh, shit! Dude.

Aim for the head, then last second, go down and boom, hit him low.

- Okay. - Are you ready?

All right, start high.

On three. One, two, three.

Yeah.

All right, that's a wrap for bow and arrows.

Dad, you're never going to guess who I have on the show today.

Caitlyn Jenner.

Did Mom tell you?

Yes.

Do you remember watching her in the Olympics?

You might have watched her with me. You were about 3.5 years old at the time.

- Wow! - It was the '76 Olympics in Montreal.

Absolutely, I saw her run the 1,500 meters

to win the decathlon and set a world record, she was incredible.

- What should I talk to her about? - Well, first of all, be very respectful.

- Obviously, yeah. - All right, if it's obvious,

- I won't give you further advice. - No. I'm not going to be disrespectful.

Do you think she's the kind of person,

that if you mixed up her pronouns to her

that she'd be upset or would she roll with it?

She would probably go with it because many people think of her as Bruce.

Caitlyn Jenner at that time was a real stud.

I mean, good-looking, personable.

Everywhere you looked, you saw, whether it was on the cereal box or commercials,

pictures of Jenner.

My memories of those days are Bruce Jenner

and I don't think she would be offended at all.

I think that's how many people remember her.

She's in the other room, you want to talk to her?

- Sure. - Okay, hold on one sec.

You know my dad's losing his shit right now that I'm with you.

- Really? - Hardcore.

My dad was a huge track and field guy.

Obsessed with running, growing up.

And so the fact that you're here is, like, I'm picking your brain...

- Is your dad still around? - My dad wants to FaceTime you and say hi.

- Oh, good. - My dad's like, "Buddy,

you have no idea. Ask her if she... Did she ever pole vault with aluminum poles?

I'm really curious..."

In high school, that's all they had was an aluminum pole

and then pretty soon I started getting fiberglass poles.

And all of the sudden, the world record jumped up a foot.

- Immediately. - Yeah.

I'm gonna get Dad on the phone.

- Hey. - Hey, how you doing?

- Hang on. Caitlyn Jenner. - Al.

Hey, how are you? I've been a big fan for many years.

Well, thank you.

That's very nice of you to say.

Bert's told me a lot about you.

Yeah, I went to Villanova, I actually ran track there.

Oh, okay.

I was telling Bert, the decathlon, I don't know how you train for that.

It's hard enough to train for one event let alone ten...

Yeah, you know what?

Well, briefly, you have to look at it as a whole, not as ten events.

Each event contradicts the next,

so how can you train to become the best hundred-meter man

on the same day you're best 1,500-meter man,

but that was kind of... The longer the race the better I was

compared to everybody else.

To see your mile time was incredible, I thought, especially at the end of it.

Yeah. Al...

- We wanted to kick it in big. - Yeah.

I didn't run for 12 years of my life and 70 miles a week

- to run the last 400 meters slow. - God.

Well, anyways, it's very nice to meet you.

- Yeah, you're a hero. - Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

Thank you. It's a real pleasure to talk to you.

- Nice talking to you. - All right, Dad. I love you.

- Bye. - Okay, bud. I love you.

I'm gonna get emotional real quick.

I'm not... I've never heard my dad talk to anyone like that.

Really?

My dad is not impressed by celebrity at all.

It doesn't register to him.

When my dad said,

"You're a real hero."

I've never heard him talk like that about anybody ever in my whole life.

I've never heard him say that.

Caught me off guard.

You mean so much to him at that time in his life when I think he was lost

and trying to figure out who he was gonna be

and he left sports behind and he was watching you succeed.

You just gave your dad a gift that he would have never had

had you not done all of this and been in a position to...

introduce him to his hero.

I can't wait to call him tonight and go, "It was fiberglass poles."

Caitlyn, the major reason I brought you out here

is because you have been so connected with "body,"

from the Olympics to where you are now. All I need is one solid sentence

of where I need to go, what I need to do, where I need to have my head.

Give me a sentence.

There's no hope.

That was a death sentence.

- Cool. - There's just no hope. Do you think?

I think it's just, it's over for him.

- He's too old. - "He's too old."

We're all going to die. You probably sooner.

- Yes. - Fucking... What the fuck?

- This is spiraling. - She's just being honest with you.

I'm just being honest, which you probably don't want to hear.

- How you doing, babe? - I'm good.

- It was a great day. - It was?

Yeah, I did not expect it to turn out the way it did.

I talked to Dad this morning, and he was so excited.

I've never seen him like that ever and I just was... I started crying.

- You did? Aww! - Yeah.

He watched Caitlyn Jenner right when I was born.

Those Olympics, he had just had a kid and he knew he would never run again.

I think those Olympics connected with him.

That's so amazing.

What a great gift you gave your dad.

- I had a blast. - Aww! Well, that's nice.

- You made a friend. - Yep, I'm friends with my dad's hero.

Well, I'm very proud of you. Sounds like you did a great job.

- I love you. I'm going to bed now. - I love you too, babe.

- Have a good night. - Bye.

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