Original subtitles

- Oh, hey, Roz, can I join you? - Sure.

May I have a latte to go, please?

And I hope they are paying you extra to wear that.

No, but I was hoping it would help with my tips.

Well, as you know, my tipping policy stands firmly

on the twin pillars of courtesy and efficiency.

But today I shall include whimsy.

Merry Christmas. Ha, ha.

- God bless you, sir. - Well...

I'm really surprised, Frasier.

I didn't think you'd go for something kitschy like that.

It's Christmas time. I say let a thousand antlers bloom.

Oh, well, what a relief. Ha, ha.

Roz...

I'm working Santa's Toy Drive at the mall.

I'm an elf.

If you needed cash, you should've come to me.

I've got plenty of odd jobs around the house.

It's not about money. I'm volunteering.

Oh, well, good for you, then.

Yeah, I mean, visiting Santa Claus at the department store

was one of my favourite memories as a kid.

I always found him terrifying.

And inquisitorial.

When I was 7, my mom and dad took me to the mall to see Santa.

Hmm.

They were going through their divorce at the time, so they were barely talking.

Anyway, when I sat down on Santa's lap,

I started to cry, and he was just so nice.

He made me feel safe and protected.

I don't know, it just made me feel special.

So if I could do that for just one little kid,

you know, I'd like to do that.

I'm sorry I laughed at you, Roz.

You should be very proud of yourself.

Thank you. And I better go before I'm late.

Oh, right. You know what? I'm going too.

- I'll walk with you. - Okay.

Actually, Roz,

why don't you just go ahead? I'm gonna get myself a scone.

Oh, hi, guys. Good to see you.

- Come in. - Hey.

We were hoping to borrow your wassail bowl.

Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.

I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson

and his madrigal carolling group.

Well, you can kiss that bowl goodbye, Fraiser.

The Yuletones are the bad boys of Renaissance Christmas music.

Have you ever seen a church common room

- after one of their performances? - Oh.

Why don't you use the punch bowl?

It wouldn't be wassail, it would be punch.

What's the difference?

My dad used to say that punch makes you want to kiss the donkey

and wassail makes you want to check it into the inn. Ha, ha.

That's very funny.

Uh, listen, Daphne, uh, I was just wondering,

is your mom partial to a traditional Cornwall dressing?

You see, I'm thinking it would go splendidly

with the 12-pound Hungarian goose that I'm serving.

Mom is spending Christmas on a cruise.

An early Christmas present from Niles.

Yes, I didn't think she'd go for it,

but apparently, in international waters, they can play single-deck blackjack.

Oh.

Actually, Frasier, Daphne and I

would like to have you over to our place for Christmas this year.

Yeah, we just put up our tree and everything looks so lovely.

And it is our first Christmas as a married couple.

Well, as lovely as that sounds...

Oh, come on, why not?

Well, Niles, because it's a little late to be changing things, isn't it?

Besides, we've always had Christmas here. It's a tradition.

Wassail, "a Christmas punch."

Frasier, you've had Christmas for the past nine years.

Yes, but we agreed when you hosted Thanksgiving

we would have Christmas here in its traditional setting.

It's time to start a new tradition.

But I've had new stockings loomed for everyone.

Now, there, you see, you've made me spoil the surprise.

And did no one hear me say

that I have ordered an Hungarian goose?

Which you are more than welcome to bring over to our place.

It's not my date, it's dinner.

Honestly, Niles, I'm really quite affronted by this.

If it means this much to him, why don't we just let him keep it?

No, no.

There is no reason why just this once

we can't host Christmas at the Montana.

- Frasier's being a churl. - You're the churl.

You're both a couple of churls.

How about a compromise?

Say, morning at one house, afternoon at the other?

Well, that's a wonderful idea.

But who gets morning and who gets afternoon?

Morning.

I think Niles said it first.

Dad, who do you think said it first?

I'm sick of everything being a contest between you two.

Then you decide where we're having Christmas.

- I'm fine with that. - All right, I will.

Need a few days to think about it.

In the meantime, uh, decision-making is thirsty work.

Sure could use a beer.

- Oh, I'll get it. - No, no, I'll get it.

A little trick their mom taught me.

Don't worry, Margie, you don't need a chimney.

Santa always finds a way in.

You have a merry Christmas, now.

- Thank you, Santa. - Ho, ho, ho.

- Roz, hello. - Oh, hi, Frasier.

Listen, when I'm at the North Pole, my name is Snowflake.

- It's a little on the nose, isn't it? - Ha, ha.

Anyway, I thought I'd drop off a donation for the toy drive.

Thank you very much. This is for us too?

No, no. Actually, this is another dancing Santa for Dad.

His other one got damaged.

I thought you threw that off the balcony.

Yes, which damaged it.

Ho, ho, ho.

Well, Polly, what would you like Santa to bring you?

He wouldn't have to bring me anything. Just show up.

Back off, Twinkle. I saw him first.

What's this?

Do I sense a little office romance here at Santa's Workshop?

I wouldn't mind.

His name is Rick and he's so sweet.

- Let me guess. He's also a hunk. - I wouldn't know.

I haven't seen him without his Santa getup yet,

but based on those eyes, there's definite potential.

Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs his favourite helper elf.

Ooh, see that? I'm his favourite. Ha, ha.

Down, Snowflake. I've got this one.

Okay, Twinkle, you go ahead.

Oh, no, is that a zit?

Oh, Snowflake, over here.

Hi, I just got back from the costume shop.

- I had to get my toes re-curled. - Ah, yes.

Which reminds me, how are things with Mr. Claus, hmm?

Oh, well, I haven't had a chance to ask him out yet.

What's the matter? Low "elf-esteem"?

How long have you been waiting to say that?

- Two days. - Yeah.

I almost called you.

What's this? Niles with Dad.

I knew it.

Oh, you guys aren't still fighting about Christmas.

He's fighting. I'm not fighting.

Well, what is the big deal?

Why don't you let him have Christmas?

Because it's just so unfair.

What's not fair?

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Well, come on, Frasier, talk to me.

Use your words.

It's just so egregious.

Smaller words.

I don't know.

Okay, look, it just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home.

We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there. Gone.

Daphne? Gone.

If I let him have Christmas, I'll have nothing left.

Just end up some doddering old bachelor,

sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy 78 degrees.

And how is that different from now?

Excuse me. I smell skulduggery afoot.

- Hey, Dad. - Hey, Fras.

New Thermos?

Niles, I never thought you'd stoop so low.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Just buying Dad some coffee before driving him to work.

You are trying to bribe Dad to have Christmas at your place.

Oh, and what about you buying him the dancing Santa?

Surprising, considering you threw his off the balcony.

You did what?

That Santa never did anything to hurt you.

All he ever did was dance and try to make people happy.

Yes, yes, all right, Dad.

- Why did you do it? - Oh, all right!

Why do you have to make everything difficult?

Excuse me, Niles, but I've got news for you.

Copernicus called and you are not the centre of the universe.

All right, you two, knock it off.

Let's just settle this now. Sit.

Dad, make your decision.

You know, I'm really disappointed in you guys.

I thought if I gave you time,

you'd be mature enough to work this out on your own.

Well, you were wrong.

All right, you know what? I just made my decision.

I'm working Christmas. Jimmy Daley asked me and I'm gonna do it,

because he'll be happier with his family than I am with mine.

- Oh, Dad, you can't be serious. - No.

We just calm down and discuss this.

No, it's too late.

You don't need to drive me to work. I'll call a cab.

I hope you two are happy.

You've ruined Christmas.

What a jerk.

Not nice.

Dad, um, Niles and I would like to apologise.

It was untoward of us to argue over where to have Christmas.

Our conduct was self-absorbed and boorish.

Not that we deserve it, but please accept our apologies.

Apologies accepted.

Oh, thank you, Dad. So you'll have Christmas with us?

Oh, I'm afraid I can't.

I promised Jimmy I'd work and I can't go back on it.

- When do you start? - Six a.m. Twelve-hour shift.

It's double-time, so I'm not complaining.

No, that's the whole day.

Marty, I need you to let Maintenance into the electrical closet on 7.

Will do.

See you boys later.

Bye, Dad.

Wow.

Christmas without Dad.

It just won't be Christmas.

I know.

He's always the first one under the tree.

Mom always said that he was her biggest kid

because he could never wait to open his presents.

Oh, he always puts on a brave face,

but I know he especially misses Mom at Christmas.

Mm-hm.

Niles, where is it written

that we have to have Christmas at either of our homes?

The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002?

No, no, what I'm saying is, since Dad has to work,

why can't we bring the holiday to him?

You mean, just show up and surprise him?

I like that.

We could bring all our gifts and food.

Or better yet, what if the gifts were already here?

- But... - Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

Take the gifts that are here,

put them under the tree at my house,

get the real gifts and bring them here, all unbeknownst to Dad.

Brilliant.

Can't you see us casually stopping by on Christmas morning?

Hello, Dad. Merry Christmas.

Oh, it's such a shame that you have to spend Chri...

Hello.

What's this I spy?

A present for Martin?

That's not for me. Those are fake.

Well, here's another one.

And one for Niles and one for Daphne.

Oh, jeez, it's a miracle.

Oh, Niles, it'll be the best Christmas we ever had.

Look, I'm getting goose bumps.

Oh, no, Niles, that's your pine rash.

- You're too close to the tree. - Oh.

Hey. Hi, Roz.

It's me, Rick.

Oh, my God.

Rick? I didn't even recognise you.

Roz and I volunteer down at the mall together.

Rick plays Santa. Daphne, this is Rick. Rick, Daphne.

Oh, Roz has told me all about you. Would you like to join us?

I'd love to, but I have to get back to my job.

- Oh, what do you do? - Uh, I'm an investment banker.

Could you excuse me for one second?

Wow. Roz, you never told me he was so gorgeous.

Oh, I've never seen him out of his costume before.

He's successful and he's got great taste.

Those shoes? Enrico Zaglione's.

Niles is teaching me.

Very nice to meet you, Daphne. And I'll see you tonight, Roz?

Maybe we can take our break together.

I snuck a bottle of schnapps into my locker.

Yeah, maybe.

Something wrong? You don't like schnapps?

No, no, it's just so strange to see you without your beard.

You really should grow one. It'll make your eyes twinkle.

Ah, I tried once. It kind of came in in tufts.

I looked like a dog on Rogaine.

What was that?

I laughed.

- That's your laugh? - Yeah.

Wow. At the mall, it's so booming.

I know. I hate that.

It really kills my throat.

- Very nice to meet you. - Bye-bye.

- I'll see you later. - Bye.

Why are you being so weird? He seems perfect.

I don't know. It just wasn't what I was expecting.

Something's missing.

- Like what? - I don't know.

Well, at the mall, he has all this warmth,

and he's got this jolly sense of humour.

Oh, you should see him when he laughs.

His whole stomach shakes.

Oh, my God, you're in love with Santa Claus.

No, I'm not.

Well, it makes sense when you think about it.

Santa's the perfect man.

He's a good listener, he likes to travel,

he gives great presents.

- Give me a break. - Admit it.

You want the jelly belly.

Okay, don't be gross.

You want to bang boots with the big boy.

I gotta get to work.

You wanna get your paws on the Claus, is more like it.

Stop it, Daphne. That's enough.

One more. You're a ho, ho, ho.

- Ah. - Dad,

what are you doing sitting there?

I told you that we were going out for some Christmas Eve ice cream.

Oh, I changed my mind.

Eddie and I are too bloated from the nog.

Well, then maybe we should, uh, take Eddie and, uh, walk it off.

Come on, mister, let's go.

No, I gotta be up early tomorrow morning for work.

I could sure use something to nibble on, though.

- No, no, no. - Wait, wait, wait.

Listen, Dad is still here.

- You'll have to come back. - No, we can't do that.

The maintenance man in Dad's building

was so nervous about us taking these,

I promised him we'd have our real gifts back under his tree by 10:00.

All right, what we need is a really good distraction.

I tell you what, knock when you've thought of one.

Oh, what were you doing out there?

Nothing.

Thought I heard the door knock.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Oh, hello, guys.

Dad, look who it is. It's Niles and Daphne.

I see them.

So, what brings you two here?

Good question, Frasier. Daphne?

I need your father's help with a present.

And that's what we're doing here.

Exactly, yes.

Come on, Martin. We can do this in my old room.

No problem.

Okay, now, real presents go out in the hall by the door.

- Fake presents under the tree. - Did you notice my Christmas village?

Would you like to see smoke waft out the cobbler's chimney?

Uh, maybe later.

Frasier, I have to warn you, these prop boxes are heavy.

Some idiot weighed them down with bricks.

Just our luck.

We get the only method lobby decorator in all of Seattle.

How much time do you think Daphne can buy us?

Not much, they're just putting batteries in the digital camera we're giving you.

- Act surprised. - Right.

- I said I'd get them. - You'll never find them.

How could you ask me to put batteries and not bring any batteries?

Now, boys, you know the rules. No shaking the presents.

You see, Niles, I told you.

Found them. Let's go.

Daphne, no more surprises.

You mean like finding your father here

when the apartment's supposed to be empty?

Well, you can blame that on the nog.

Frasier, I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.

I feel like I'm 10 years old.

Yes, only this time, we have the merry task of being Santa.

Niles, I'm so sorry that we almost ruined Christmas with our arguing.

- I just took that. - No, you didn't.

Yes, I did, I know because that's real,

and all the fake ones are out in the pile by the door.

- By the elevator door? - No, by the apartment door.

That's where all the fake ones are.

Great. Now what do we do?

- Oh, all right, you take these. - Yes.

- Give me these. - Fine.

- Here we go. - All right.

What do we...?

- Where do we go? - How the hell should I know?

That's a flat head and I need a Phillips head.

See, I told you if you rearranged them, they'd look fuller.

Yes, yes, I see what you mean, Niles. It's all a matter of perspective.

Wow, it looks like twice as many.

Put them back the way they were and show me how you did that.

Got the Phillips. Let's go.

He could be an assassin in those slippers.

Are you two gonna switch the presents or are you gonna stand arguing

about whose Christmas village is bigger?

I knew it, you didn't compliment mine because you have one too.

I didn't compliment yours because yours is so poorly laid out.

We don't have time for this. Now, which ones are which?

- I've got it all organised here. - Are you sure?

Yes. These are the real ones.

These go to Dad out in the hall and we'll take them together.

- Fine. - Good, good.

- Then, here. Now we're all set. - All right.

- All the fake ones are under the tree. - Yes.

You put those in the elevator. I'll tell Daphne the coast is clear.

Do you have any idea how much I paid for that?

Well, it's not my fault.

Those little plastic hinges snap off if you look at them.

Now, what am I supposed to give as a gift now?

Oh, stop crying-

Put a little duct tape on it. It'll be good as new.

It was new.

Here, Daphne, I'll help you find the tape.

What's the matter, boy?

Too much eggnog, huh? Ha, ha.

Okay.

Hey, Daph?

Be sure and use the silver duct tape, not the brown.

The silver will match the camera.

Oops. I mean, uh, the present.

I'm taking Eddie for a walk.

Wait, Dad. I'll do that. You should just relax.

No, that's all right. I need the fresh air.

Oh, what's this? More presents?

Is this why you were trying to keep me busy back there?

- Yes. - Oh.

Well, you didn't need to do that. Bring them on in.

Frasier, give your brother a hand.

Mix them all up so it'll look fuller.

- Merry Christmas. Ha, ha. - Merry Christmas.

- Niles. - Hi.

So how are you?

Well, uh, tired and a little poorer.

I had to bribe the maintenance man

at Dad's building to get him to stay late.

Which reminds me, on your next show,

you have to give something called "a shoutout" to a Steve Gomez.

- Right. - This is so exciting.

I can't wait to see your father's face

when we go over there and surprise him.

Merry Christmas.

Dad, uh, what are you doing here?

Yeah, aren't you supposed to be at work?

Boss called. I don't have to go in.

Seems he was feeling guilty about my missing Christmas with my family.

Ooh, heavy.

This must be a good one.

Unless it's a book.

But who's covering the desk?

Nobody. She's shut down tight till tomorrow.

Now, I have just enough patience to wait for cocoa

before I start tearing into these.

Um, Dad.

Don't tell me there's no cocoa.

Hello?

Hello?

You'd think there'd be a custodian or someone in there.

Ah, I knew it was a long shot.

There won't be anybody in till tomorrow morning.

Sorry, Dad.

Oh, forget it.

That was a really sweet gesture.

It would've been terrific,

but I've already received my gift.

You know, we could throw a brick through the glass,

but they're all wrapped up under our tree.