Original subtitles

Previously on Californication...

- No kiss? - I'm done with that.

You, on the other hand, have been a very naughty little Smurf.

- Bi-curious, are we? - He started it, spanking his assistant.

It was very sweet, actually.

I want to learn from you.

- I want to be an agent. - I see.

First, you systematically destroy my marriage...

I know about everything, Charlie.

...and now you want me to help with your career.

I don't think you heard me. I wrote something.

- Hank wrote a new book? Can I read it? - I don't think that's appropriate.

Is there anything I can help you with?

I wrote this novel, and I was just wondering

- if Charlie would read it. - What's it about?

A 16-year-old girl fucks a much, much older man

and finds herself both spiritually and sexually awakened.

Dad, are you OK?

No...

But I'm working on it.

This book is gonna be huge.

What's going on here? Are you having second thoughts?

- Are you questioning things? - I question everything.

- It's very healthy. - It is very healthy.

I just think you can't run off and marry a guy

after making sweet love to yours truly.

We had women that loved us for who we were, and we fucked it up.

Ain't life fuckin' grand?

Yowsa.

- Hey. - You look great, Mom.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

I guess you're going with a more liberal interpretation

of the whole "white wedding" concept, are you?

Do you think I could go braless... Ooh. Sorry.

Didn't know we had a gentleman in our presence.

Well, only if you go with a more liberal interpretation

of the whole "gentleman" concept.

Ouch.

You know, as exciting as it is to be behind the scenes

in the girls' locker room right before the big game,

I think I'm going to take my leave.

Oh, shit.

- I think my dad's coming. - What?

He was supposed to be playing racquetball.

Yes, by all means, get that thing off.

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding... that's bad luck.

- What's worse luck is getting married itself. - Shut up.

It's like two out of three of those end in divorce.

Sometimes more... three out of two.

- Bill. - Hank.

- You look lovely. - Thank you.

A little uncomfortable coming from you. You know what? Oatmeal.

Thank you, Daddy.

You should've seen the dress Karen had on just now.

She had the... I mean, it was like, here...

- Cut it out. - And then the back...

- Hey. You're home early. - Hi.

Well, I'm playing Harry Greenberg. I bageled him.

Ah, ironically. You know what?

One day, you and me, Bill Tilden. Mano a mano.

We're gonna play the real tennis.

Not that sissy kind. We're going '70s style. We're playing wooden rackets, knee socks.

Plum smugglers. We do it. But not today because I gotta go.

- Dad. - Yes.

- You can't. Remember? - No... What?

I have to talk to you... and Mom.

Really? What about, sweetie?

Family stuff.

Well, we're a family. Or we will be very soon, right?

So I should say what I feel? No matter what?

- Absolutely. - Yes.

- Always. - I want to live with Dad.

I'll still visit and stuff. I just...

I want to live most of the time with Dad.

It's the first I've heard of this. Karen. Karen.

Karen! Karen!

Hey, Becca, have you... have you thought this through?

I mean, have you... Becca.

Shit. Becca! Becca.

- Bill. Bill. - Yeah...

- Then there were two. - Yeah.

I'm gonna need some help getting out of this dress.

And then there was one.

- Thank you. - Sure.

Uncle Runkle.

- Sorry I'm late. I just... - You just what?

Nah. That's all I got.

- I do have some news, though. - Ah! Delight me.

Becca's moving back in with me.

- No shit. - Yeah.

- Poor Karen. She must be... - Devastated.

- That's brutal. - It is. The good news is, though,

that as of today you and your extensive porn collection

are moving into the Four Seasons.

- Fantastic. - I booked you a room

in the Husbands Who've Been Kicked To The Kerb

"By Their Diminutive Lesbian Wives wing.

It's right next to the Young Actresses Fresh Into Town wing.

- Am I correct? - I don't know the layout of the hotel.

Well, that is news.

Boy, I'll miss the camaraderie.

But that stain in your bedroom was really starting to unnerve me.

You inspired that stain, you cunning linguist, you.

- It's a talent. - Job well done.

What were you doing in my bedroom, you perv?

Snooping, of course. Looking for some fucking words I can sell.

- Good luck with that shit. - By the way,

how come you never told me Bill's little Lolita of a daughter was a writer?

Cos I don't use that term loosely.

Writer. Everybody says they're a writer in this town.

I'll give her budding wordsmith, maybe.

- Budding, huh? She's fuckin' bloomed, pal. - Sorry?

Dani's dripping wet over this manuscript of hers.

In fact, she insists that I pump it, launch her agenting career,

or she's gonna hit me with the mother of all sexual-harassment suits.

Oh, Charlie, I'm sorry.

Do you think you can get me a front-row seat to the trial?

I'd like to be behind you in all the courtroom sketches.

You're such a good friend.

What the fuck do you want me to say?

You fuck around with your assistant, you're gonna get screwed.

There's only a few things that could happen, all of them bad.

You're gonna get threatened, you're gonna get sued.

You can go for the trifecta and get divorced.

And yet, do I get any credit for all the assistants I didn't fuck?

- No, that's an injustice. - It is.

I get no credit for all the dicks I do not suck.

- Check, please. - Then again, I don't know.

If... if Mia turns out to really be talented,

then I could pump this till I'm blue in the face.

No harm, no foul. Am I right there?

She... she might have some talent, from what I've seen, the little I have seen.

What is this thing about?

This coverage makes it sound really fuckin' hot, you know?

There's this young woman who's bangin' this older guy,

and at one point, you know, she... she hauls off

and just punches him right in the face.

That's... that's pretty ballsy right there, right?

I don't know what else happens, but that's one scene.

- Motherfucker. - What?

Fucking And Punching.

This is beyond ballsy.

Where are you...

OK, then.

- What the fuck? - Oh. I guess you didn't hear me knocking.

- No. - No.

Well, that's why I let myself in... because I figured

you'd probably be out here in this general vicinity,

unable to hear me knocking.

Out by the pool, kickin' it, you know, after school?

Right. Well, school doesn't get out till three.

You need to get on top of that kind of shit, Hank.

Wow. Is that, like, universal?

Cos I was over at Mia's school that day, and it was very progressive,

like maybe they didn't adhere to that kind of strict...

There's no one here. I'm all on my own in my big, empty house,

just like I will be when you take my daughter away from me.

Come on, honey. I had nothing to do with that.

Oh, really? You didn't put her up to it?

No! Of course not. Why would I do that?

Well, I don't know... to embarrass me. To score some big fucking victory over Bill.

- No, I wouldn't do that. - Your usual shit.

No. No, no, no. I wouldn't do that.

What, so she just came up with it all by herself, out of the blue?

The system that's been working for us since we split up, that's not working any more?

"I want to live with Dad. I don't want to live with Mom."

She's a teenager. I think the word you're looking for is mercurial.

No, I'm not looking...

And I would never fuck with her head like that.

Yours, yes. I can be a dick like that sometimes.

But hers, never. Not in a million years.

- Well, OK. - What do you mean, OK?

I mean, OK, I believe you. But it's not gonna make any difference.

It doesn't make it any easier for me.

I know, but if you think about it in practical terms,

it just means, like, a couple extra nights a week, right?

- I mean, it's not a big... - No. Don't, OK? Don't do that.

I don't need your fucking sympathy, Hank, OK?

Get out of my house, cos I don't want to see you right now!

Where's Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS?

- Excuse me? - Dani. Where's Dani?

She's... she's in a meeting with Mr Runkle.

- And you are? - Going in there.

- I'm sorry, sir. - Hey, look at the time.

The big hand says fuck and the little hand says off.

Good thing it doesn't have a second hand, huh?

All right, I need to talk to you, and you, and you need to get out, and you...

You, I don't need to talk to, but I know you.

- Hello, Victoria. - Well, so formal.

Tricky Vicky, he used to call me, back in the day.

Where the hell have you been, Hank Moody?

Haven't you owed me a book since the good guy was in office?

Yeah, it's been seven years, thanks for asking.

It's coming along swimmingly. Spell-checking as we speak.

- I need to have a chat with you. - I'm in the middle of a meeting.

I can see that. It won't take long.

Hank, do you think you two could do this a little bit later?

Like after the meeting that Victoria flew in from New York for?

No. We should straighten it out now.

We have a bunch more set up for later. We don't want them to stack up.

Thank you, Dani. I can handle this.

Well, handle it, then.

Looks like you've got a live one there, Runkle.

Hank, have a seat. We can talk about Chinese democracy

as soon as I'm done talking with the publishing sensation.

I don't know if you're aware, but this young woman's written

- what could be the book of the year. - Is that right?

Have I ever been wrong about this shit? It's fantastic.

It's like your early stuff. Not so juvenile.

Not so many lame boner jokes.

Well, coincidentally, I have a lame boner right now.

I have a lame boner for justice.

And if you won't give me a private sidebar right now,

maybe there's something you'd like to say to these good people?

I don't know. What might they be interested in hearing?

Come on, Mia. Just... just out with it.

Wait. I know what I could say.

Thank you, Hank.

Thank you for giving me notes and helping me with this.

It's been a dream come true, really,

To have your favourite writer in the whole wide world

help you on your very first... novel.

Hank, you're so sweet.

That's it? That's the way you want to play it?

What do you want me to do, blow you, Hank?

I mean, that would be untoward.

Oh, my God, look at the potty mouth on this one.

I love it.

She'd be great with the press, right? Like Elizabeth Wurtzel... with talent.

OK, Hank. Let's go, huh?

What the fuck is the matter with you?

What do you have, epilepsy, Asperger's, Tourette's?

Good to see you, Hank. Good luck with the spell-check.

I need to talk to you, Charlie.

- No, no... - Later. Later. I will talk to you later.

You can't pack her lunch for the next six months.

I know. I'm just packing it for tomorrow because, you know,

I figured if I get all the sandwiches in for tomorrow,

then, if he forgets, it's OK, cos, like,

she has sandwiches for every day of the week.

Stop stressing. Come here. Come here. Come here.

OK.

Is Mia back from her meeting yet?

- What meeting? - She met with Charlie.

She's trying to get one of her stories published.

- Isn't that great? - Oh, wow, yeah.

Yeah, I haven't read it, but my father's intuition says it's probably pretty special.

Yes. Yeah. I'm sure it is.

Have you signed the papers yet?

Oh, God. No, honey. Sorry. I forgot. I've been a little preoccupied.

I know. I know. Let's go. No, we got to go.

- Come on. Come on. - But, Bill...

We're gonna take a look at this. Nah, this is important stuff.

Look, we have our prenup, we have our wills.

Don't you care about Becca's trust fund?

Yeah... No.

Bill, I don't. I don't care.

All I care about is Becca leaving me.

Us. She's not leaving us.

You know, she's moving out. She doesn't want to live here any more.

I can't tell what's worse...

whether she doesn't know she's ripping my heart out,

or whether she does know, but, you know, she just doesn't care.

Honey, honey, it's a phase.

She sees Mia acting so independently,

she probably wants to see what that feels like,

so she's doing the only thing she can to assert herself.

What? Like getting away from me?

Like I'm the Wicked Witch of the West or something?

No, it's not about that, trust me.

As soon as her father lets her down,

she'll be begging you to bring her back home, I promise.

We're talking about Hank here. How long can that possibly take?

He'll probably disappoint her on the car ride home and have to turn around.

Don't make me laugh, cos I'm trying to wallow here, OK?

Thank you ever so kindly.

So you had your fun and then you told them the truth, right?

Told them what, Hank?

You know, I think I'd appreciate your particular brand of humour a lot more

if you weren't fucking around with my life.

And you haven't fucked around in mine at all?

I mean, I know, I know... it was an accident.

How could you possibly have known?

The simple fact remains, you fucked me

and you didn't want to have anything to do with me.

- That doesn't sit well with the ladies. - So this is your revenge?

You're some kind of feminist caped crusader?

Yeah, well, we all pay for our sins sooner or later, Hank.

Thank you. How'd you get ahold of it?

Well, it was just sitting there all unappreciated and shit,

and I asked Karen if I could read it.

- And she said no. - Exactly.

She was afraid that I would get corrupted in some way.

- I'm sure. - Oh, man.

I wonder what'd she think if she knew that I had your dick in my mouth.

But I digress. Anyway, I took it to Kinko's

and settled in for what was truly a great read.

It's so good, Hank.

A really great first draft.

You're gonna get caught, you know.

People are gonna recognise my writing.

No, see, I covered my tracks.

I added little bits of me when I re-typed it.

It's not really so much an outright theft as a mash-up.

An homage, if you will. From me to you.

You are a very young...

sociopath-in-training.

Oh, come on. That's like Satan calling one of his junior minions a big meanie.

Yes, but I never set out to hurt you, Mia.

What else is out there for me, huh?

College, going to Europe, working at an agency,

a network, a studio?

Blech! Boring! This has been fun.

I never intended to be famous, but I do like being the centre of attention.

It feels just like I thought it would...

totally fucking great.

But it's gonna go away.

Well, we just got offers from Victoria Newsome and Little, Brown,

but I think Random House is gonna blow them out of the water.

Random House? I didn't even know they were...

Did I miss these calls? I didn't see messages.

No, I didn't think it was worth bothering you about.

Some Kahlúa with your coffee? We seem to be all out of champagne.

I think the TV people drank it all when they sold Slut Wars into syndication.

No. No, thank you.

Don't mind if I do.

It's been a great ride, Charlie Runkle.

We proved sex and the workplace can mix.

We subverted some dominant paradigms.

And from a feminist standpoint,

we're about to launch a major female writer.

She was great, wasn't she?

I mean, she was poised, she was funny...

she had them eating out of her hand and looking up her skirt at the same time.

Yeah, that is quite a feat.

The girl's gonna sell five million copies based on the jacket photo alone.

And did you see how completely unfazed she was by Hank?

I mean, no offence, he's a cool guy,

but it was kind of pathetic, right?

Yeah, Dani, I actually have a little bit of a headache, you know?

I think I'm just gonna lie down here for a while.

OK. You rest, I'll take the calls.

So, here's the last of your T-shirts.

Thanks.

You know, you can always bring your stuff home,

for me to wash on the weekends or whenever.

I know.

Cos your dad, you know,

he'll probably just buy you new clothes when the old ones get dirty.

- That would be his solution... - Mom, I know.

You know.

Yeah.

Hey!

Wow!

Shit, you're not taking everything, are you?

No. Just the essentials.

I'm gonna let you guys... give her a hand, yeah?

- Mom? - Yeah?

You and me...

I was thinking next Saturday we could go to the Getty.

- Just us. - That'd be great. I'd love that, sweetie.

And so it begins.

The non-custodial parent time, hm?

Oh, hey, not The Dark Side Of The Moon. I might want to borrow that one.

- It's way too small for you. - Uh, yeah. That's why I like it.

- Whatever. - Hey, I was just teasing.

That's what sisters do, you know?

They borrow clothes, talk about boys,

conspire against the parental units...

You know, it's not gonna be any fun here without you.

- Was it fun before? - Hm, true.

But, hey, you're not gonna have that problem any more, living with your dad.

Sure. It'll be a hoot.

Like taking Kafka to the Third Street Promenade.

You're not even excited a little bit?

- I suppose. - Well, shit, I would be stoked.

Cos your dad, I mean, he's a riot. He's totally awesome.

I'm not going to live with my dad because it's fun.

I'm going because I have to.

I don't know if you've noticed, but your dad is about to marry my mom.

- Yeah, so? - So it's really happening.

He can't pretend any more that it's not.

And whatever miraculous thing

he thought was going to happen with the writing...

You know, that thing he wrote back home in New York

that was going to be the redemption of us all?

Well, obviously, that's not happening, either.

Yeah, I guess not.

So it's official.

Rock bottom.

The death of hope.

Can't leave him alone now.

The man's got nothing.

Well, that's not entirely true.

He's got you.

We should all be so lucky.

Loved your new novel.

I knew from the first page.

Strange, too. It was like 1987.

I went to this party with Bret Easton Ellis.

I asked him who the good young writers were.

He showed me that short story of yours.

I had the same feeling when I read it.

Like this person and I are connected somehow.

Like we were gonna do something special together.

Well, I'm just overjoyed that you saw me in there somewhere.

You're all over it, pal.

But, listen, I got to ask,

you know, since you always tend to write exactly what you know...

What's the fuckin' deal?

You have done some fucked-up shit in your time,

but I didn't think you'd do that.

Not knowingly.

What, she tricked you into it? I find that hard to believe.

She was at a book store, and she was reading my book.

You know, that's always a great conversation starter for me,

and she was cute and flirty, I was half in the bag, anyway.

I was just right for that moment.

The self-loathing was strong in me that night.

I didn't know she was Bill's daughter, and I thought she was in college.

You know, maybe older. I was wrong.

Jesus Christ.

How'd we get ourselves into this one?

Thank you for saying we.

Look, I'll do whatever you want me to do, you know?

I'll take it off the counter, you... you say the word.

- Are there offers? - Many.

Well, then I'm fucked.

If I say anything, if I do anything about this shit,

there's no telling what she's gonna do.

There's no stopping her from telling Karen or Bill or Becca.

Fuck. The police.

Fuck the police.

Expecting someone?

Wait. Let me get that.

- Good evening, ladies. - Hey.

I should get going. Call me later?

- I will. - Four Seasons.

- Good night. - Night.

- I'm gonna go put my stuff down. - Sure.

- I'm sorry. - About what?

You won.

Not if you're this upset. I didn't win a goddamn thing.

I hate seeing you this sad.

Ever.

Except maybe after sex with Bill.

Hmm? That's a smile. A small smile, but a smile nonetheless.

- I'll take it. - Don't worry, Mom. I'll be fine.

I know. And it's not you I'm worried about.

I know.

But first of all, this is not goodbye.

Just think of it as me on the road with the band,

playing a few out-of-town gigs.

Plus, you get a break from my noisy guitar.

Yeah, but I love your noisy guitar.

I would say, you know, "Take care of her,"

but I think she's probably gonna take better care of you.

I don't disagree.

Call me if you need anything, OK?

Anything at all.

I love you, honey.

I love you, too.

She's highly emotional, that one.

All the good ones are.

In exchange, they've given their word

they will only fight al-Qaeda.

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

Are you OK?

You seem depressed.

- What do you mean? Like more than usual? - Yes.

I sense these things.

Oh, yeah?

I'm peachy.

Trust me.

Hey, Bill.