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1
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I'm back, baby,
2
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,480
and this time I want a refund.
3
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,840
Bet you never thought
you'd see me again.
4
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,760
How can I assist you?
I want my money back.
5
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,360
Er...
6
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,120
Not all of it, obviously.
I think you might be mistaken.
7
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,040
Maybe just £700.
Do you have a receipt?
8
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,280
Because of the rip. Rips.
9
00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:01,040
No, I don't have a receipt, because
I ran out of the shop crying.
10
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,440
Oh, my God. My mum had to come back
and pay for the dress
11
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,080
because I was still wearing it.
I know you.
12
00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,840
I've been on Mock The Week.
They teach you as a case study.
13
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:09,880
What?
14
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,600
In training.
15
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,640
You are our worst case scenario.
16
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,320
I thought that I was over my ex
because we broke up a decade
17
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,720
and a half ago, and since then I've
had sex with
18
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,440
over five of his friends.
But recent events...
19
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:35,320
♪ Cos I'm already broken
20
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:36,360
♪ My heart...
21
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,680
SHE SINGS INCOHERENTLY
22
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,680
♪ ..I'm dying
23
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:49,520
♪ I'm dying... ♪
24
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:53,320
..suggest that I might still be
nursing some issues.
25
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,240
Is it true you got run over chasing
after him?
26
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,400
No. Oh.
I fell over in front of a car.
27
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:02,680
So embarrassing.
28
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,400
Not really.
I don't think he saw.
29
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,720
Anyway, my refund.
30
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,120
I can't. Please.
31
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:10,400
It's a dirty, ripped-up dress
and nearly, what, 50 years old?
32
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,640
15! I'm not in my 60s, am I?
33
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:15,160
Clearly. If you say so.
Can I get a selfie?
34
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:19,080
No. Look, it took a long time for me
to get the confidence to come back
35
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,080
here to where it all happened
and...
36
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,920
Shit. Shit.
37
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:26,000
IN DIFFERENT ACCENT: Bad luck for
a bride to see another bride.
38
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,920
That was very brave of me.
39
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,760
I'm not running away
from my feelings any more.
40
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,400
That's not feelings.
41
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,280
That's my sister.
42
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,360
I've cut her out of my life
because she betrayed me.
43
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,920
They ALL betrayed me.
44
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,480
They've been going to Zumba
with Craig for MONTHS
45
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,000
when they know
how much he hurt me.
46
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,720
This might not seem like a big deal
to you, but this is the fiance
47
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:55,280
who saw me trying on my wedding
dress and thought,
48
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,440
"I know. I'll dump her."
49
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:02,040
Craig, the one who made me
like this.
50
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,840
SHE LAUGHS
51
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,240
I forgot what I was wearing.
52
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,720
Carol? You're back?
53
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,000
Oh, hello, Vanessa.
54
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,320
If you're done in there, I'll...
55
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,480
Oh, go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All yours.
56
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,480
Oh!
57
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,680
Ooh! Sorry. Whatcha.
58
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,800
Well... I was worried.
I thought you quit Zumba.
59
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:46,840
Oh, no.
60
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,240
Have you been elsewhere, Carol?
61
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,920
Uh... It's all right.
You can tell me.
62
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,960
I mean...
SHE CHUCKLES
63
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,520
It's not like you're cheating on me
behind me back.
64
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,120
SHE CHUCKLES
65
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,800
Speaking of which, Dennis
has still not turned up.
66
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:09,560
I did go to Zumba with Craig,
but that's all over now.
67
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:13,160
I've had to promise never to go
back.
68
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,040
Oh, don't worry about it on my
account, love.
69
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:16,960
I'm just worried about YOU.
You know?
70
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,600
You've got to keep it up, Carol.
71
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,480
Especially at your age.
72
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,280
Although you look fine, by the way.
73
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,040
Oh, thank you, Vanessa.
74
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,200
That means a lot.
75
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:32,040
Yeah. Well, I'm only letting
myself have biscuits,
76
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,920
cake or wine when I'm out running.
77
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,920
Oh, that's clever.
78
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,360
I spill quite a lot, obviously.
79
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,880
Genius. So, half the calories.
80
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,640
Lucy's getting married.
81
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:47,080
Aw!
82
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:50,600
Yeah, so I've got the photos and
that,
83
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,360
and my ex-husband's going to be
there.
84
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,400
Are you doing a revenge body?
85
00:04:55,400 --> 00:05:00,080
No. No. I just want to feel good
about myself...
86
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,400
..and look so thin that everyone's
worried.
87
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:03,640
Your revenge body.
88
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,640
That'll teach him to F off and leave
you raising them kids by yourself.
89
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,680
Is 30 years a bit long for revenge?
90
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:12,480
No, it's a dish best served cold.
91
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,840
Like gazpacho.
92
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,760
A cold, hot body.
93
00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:20,240
SHARP TEARING
Oh!
94
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,960
Should have done a revenge body
years ago.
95
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,560
No, it's only just been invented.
96
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,640
Right, girls! Why is everyone
standing around? Get changed.
97
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:31,920
Let's Zumba!
98
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:32,960
SHE CLAPS
99
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:39,080
The problem with this style
is the shape. No, I like the shape.
100
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,640
I meant yours. Mine?
101
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,880
Your pear. What about them?
102
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:49,000
Pear - bottom heavy, small up top.
103
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,360
Very small indeed.
104
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:52,640
Like a child.
105
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,840
We have to distract attention.
106
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,680
We have to lead the eye.
107
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:02,560
Let's trick people
into forgetting your flaws.
108
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:06,000
Hide this, raise here.
109
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,800
Yank it all in here.
110
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,920
And perhaps a nice cloak
at the back.
111
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,960
A cloak? Cloak.
112
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,520
What happens now is we storm out
and we come back in an hour
113
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,840
with lots of bags saying "Big
mistake, huge!"
114
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,360
I'm calling the police.
About what? Glittering?
115
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,800
I'd like to see you cloaks, please.
116
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,160
No way! She was fucking rude to you.
She's a professional.
117
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,280
Are you mystery shoppers?
Is this training?
118
00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,000
Do you know what, mate?
You're MY worst-case scenario.
119
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,320
I would like to see your most
flattering cloaks.
120
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,960
SHE SINGS TUNELESSLY
121
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,560
What is that - the Wedding March?
Pretty Woman theme.
122
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,400
No, it really isn't.
For legal reasons.
123
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,400
♪ Duh na-na-na naaa-naaaa na... ♪
124
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,480
Let's go!
125
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,240
I'm choosing my dress.
126
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,200
You're the one who wanted nothing
to do with this wedding, so go.
127
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,320
Big mistake. Huge.
128
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,400
Eurgh!
129
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,920
Everyone making women insecure
so they can sell them stuff.
130
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,600
She might be my enemy,
but she's not a pear.
131
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,720
She's got arms and legs.
132
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,560
And no stalk.
133
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:42,400
When Alice gets to Wonderland,
she sees a beautiful garden
134
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:46,040
through a little door and she thinks
that's where happiness is.
135
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,040
And she's too big to get in there.
136
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:52,920
So she's running around, working out
what she needs to eat, or not eat,
137
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:56,200
in order to get small enough
to disappear a bit,
138
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,320
to exist less.
139
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,920
And the truth is that she'll never
be the right size.
140
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,960
The door was never an entry point.
141
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,800
It wasn't there to admit her.
142
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,920
The door was there to show
her she'd never be happy.
143
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,640
LATIN-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS
144
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,480
Five, six, seven, eight!
145
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:15,200
And...
146
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,520
He's come home from work.
147
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,920
But he's drunk!
148
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:28,280
Step to the side, step!
Slap! Slap him!
149
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,600
Step to the side. Step. Slap him.
150
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,360
Slap him, slap him.
151
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,600
Kick him.
152
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,800
Kick him, kick him.
153
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,960
Kick him, kick him,
kick him, kick him.
154
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,840
Punch him. Punch him.
155
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,400
Punch him, punch him.
REPEATS RAPIDLY: Punch him!
156
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:49,000
And Zumba-aa! ALL: Zumba-aa!
157
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,840
He's unconscious and he's snoring.
158
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,360
Roll him in the carpet.
159
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,720
Roll...him...in...the...carpet.
160
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:03,080
Roll him, roll him, roll him, roll
him, roll him.
161
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:06,040
Roll him, roll him, roll him,
roll him, roll him!
162
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:09,280
Roll him.
MUSIC STOPS
163
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,480
SHE PANTS
164
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,800
Hah!
165
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,760
Just keep the carpet.
166
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:18,880
Oh!
167
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,520
Chase him, chase him,
chase him, chase him!
168
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,240
Come on, Scoopy, give it some welly!
169
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,400
Chase him!
170
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,080
Running on the spot.
171
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:29,760
Ah!
172
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,560
Running on the spot.
173
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:32,760
Running on the spot!
174
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:36,880
And Zumba-aa!
ALL: Zumba-aa!
175
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,800
Load the crossbow.
176
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:40,960
Grr!
177
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,320
I'm not here to say
sorry, I just forgot my dress.
178
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,440
I'm not giving you one of our bags
in case you pretend you bought
179
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,880
it here. I did buy it here.
180
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,360
This century.
181
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,800
Oh, you came back. Thank you.
182
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,960
I don't like doing this by myself.
That's all right.
183
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,520
I'm a really nice person.
It's just not fun by yourself.
184
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,800
Maybe it's just not fun.
185
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,120
I wish Stefan was here. I
really need my fiance.
186
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:17,000
Very bad luck. It's bullshit like
that that makes everybody
187
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,080
hate weddings.
Not everyone, just you.
188
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,120
Anyway, what do you think?
189
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,920
Honestly. I think this could be the
one.
190
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,800
It goes really well with the theme.
191
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,600
Is the theme overpriced dresses?
192
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,200
No, fairy-tale.
193
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:37,680
What we learn from Cinderella is
that to be loved, you must deceive.
194
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:42,280
Dress up fancy.
Don't tell the truth. Your truth -
195
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,120
that you smell of ashes and hate
your family.
196
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,560
Don't talk too much.
197
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,160
Just wear your outfit,
then run away.
198
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:52,480
The prince will be besotted,
because he knows nothing about you.
199
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,120
Only your tiny shoe size.
200
00:10:55,120 --> 00:11:00,040
And any other women wanting love
must chop some of their feet off.
201
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,400
Come on, please, just try.
202
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,480
OK, I really need an opinion.
203
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,360
It's not my kind of film, is it?
204
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,280
Do you like the dress?
205
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:14,160
I kind of need you to try on loads -
like about 30, but really quickly
206
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,800
with an upbeat song. Then every
time you pull across the curtain,
207
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,120
I do a different reaction face.
For instance, this one.
208
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:31,320
And, then, this one.
And, then, this one.
209
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,760
You want a montage scene?
210
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,560
Do you like this dress?
211
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,640
Yes. But, honestly, I think you'd
look beautiful in anything.
212
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,560
You're so fit. Shut up.
213
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,000
You are! You're so hot and sexy.
214
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,400
If you were a boy, I'd...
Be your brother.
215
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,840
Still would.
216
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,120
You don't still, do you?
217
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,720
I don't know what
you mean, mate.
218
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,560
That weird brother lover poster.
219
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,360
Yep.
220
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,640
It's saucy, it's sexy.
It's my date to your wedding.
221
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,520
How much is it - the dress?
222
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,400
It doesn't matter what it costs.
That's a lie.
223
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,000
It matters how she feels. Right.
224
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,600
I didn't realise you accepted
feelings as payment.
225
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,840
I miss Craig.
226
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,600
Vanessa's nowhere near as good.
Yeah, she scared me.
227
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,880
You know her husband,
Dennis, is missing?
228
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,440
Shit!
229
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,480
It's like Somebody Needs To Talk
About Kevin,
230
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,440
only with Vanessa.
231
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,840
Do you mean We Need To Talk
About...? Sara.
232
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,520
I suppose we should.
233
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,280
Elephant on the table.
234
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,600
She made up with you yet?
235
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,880
No.
236
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,520
You?
237
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,640
I don't need her forgiveness. I grew
her! Inside of me.
238
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,360
Oh, nearly forgot. Hold that.
239
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,840
Er, I got this book for Lucy. Right.
240
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,600
I mean, she completely ignored it.
241
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,640
Blew up like a fat balloon.
242
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,440
"The No Chubby Bubby Diet."
243
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,160
Pregnancy weight.
It's cultural, Scoopy.
244
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,360
Er, yeah, I'm not sure that's right.
245
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,640
Yes.
246
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:11,160
Back when humans were starving
scavengers,
247
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,280
no-one ever put on weight.
248
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:19,200
It's easy. You just cut out
carbs, fats and protein.
249
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,160
Right, I'm going to jog on ahead so
I can have a drink.
250
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,760
OK. Cheers.
251
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,800
See ya. See ya.
252
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,440
ANSWERPHONE: Please leave your
message after the tone. BEEP
253
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,680
Sara, please stop ignoring my
calls.
254
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,640
I've hit rock-bottom.
255
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,080
Mum just called me fat and ran away.
256
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,560
Shall I try it?
Isn't a bit old-fashioned?
257
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:55,440
Well, it's, like, from the time when
that would have been the first time
258
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,560
you've met the man you'd been sold
to...
259
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,280
Love it!
260
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,400
Really?
261
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,800
You can't possibly be their mother.
262
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,360
You don't look old enough.
263
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,000
Oh, had then when I was a teenager.
264
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:19,920
Do you honestly love it?
265
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,600
Well, if you don't wear it, I will.
266
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,680
OK, but I think it might be too
much.
267
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,280
No, it's just enough, angel.
268
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,400
No, no, I meant too much money.
269
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,640
It's three grand.
270
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:40,040
SCOOPY: Oh, my God.
I'm going to cry.
271
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,080
God, you look exactly like
the bride emoji. LUCY: Really?
272
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,840
SCOOPY: Yeah, like, exactly.
But darling, that's half
273
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,200
the total wedding budget.
274
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,040
But...
275
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:57,120
It's the only dress that
doesn't make me look awful.
276
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,440
You could get a second-hand car
for that.
277
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,880
Oh. OK.
278
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,840
I'll take it...I'll take it off,
then.
279
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,280
Dared to dream.
280
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:22,200
15 years ago, Mum had to buy my
unneeded wedding dress.
281
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:26,800
And it still makes me feel awful,
ugly and rejected,
282
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,840
but it's not the dress's fault.
283
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,720
Actually, Luce,
I might have the solution.
284
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,680
I'd consider it an honour to give
to you...
285
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,240
Oh, my God. Amazing. How much?
286
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,400
..my dress!
287
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,680
Is... Isn't that cursed?
288
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,160
Yes. No.
289
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,920
I'm not getting married in the
dress you got dumped in.
290
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,280
OK. Sorry.
291
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,720
Anyway, I better go.
292
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,520
No! Good luck with the shopping,
everyone.
293
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,920
See you later.
No, Sara. Oh, no, Sara.
294
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,080
SCOOPY: Sara. Don't be
oversensitive. LUCY: Come back!
295
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,760
Oh, God, I mean, I'd tell her not to
bother chasing her,
296
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,800
but she needs to burn the calories.
297
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,680
Hey?
298
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,520
Hey, I can't chase you!
299
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,240
Turn around and see what
happens when I try to run!
300
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,520
SARA SMIRKS
301
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,640
Oh, fuck. Ow.
302
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,240
That is very funny.
303
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,360
SCOOPY SNIGGERS
Oh, shut up.
304
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,520
Come on.
305
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,920
That was you at Zumba.
SCOOPY SMIRKS
306
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,040
Piss off.
307
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,960
I'm very sorry about what happened.
308
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,960
And I don't mean to be mean about
your mum, but she's...
309
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,800
Mad? She's insane!
310
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,520
I know. She just told me we were
going to Zumba, she didn't say Craig
311
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,240
was going to be there, and then
afterwards she swore me to secrecy,
312
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:01,760
Oh, God. She probably fancies him.
313
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,280
Oh, and today, honestly, Sara, this.
314
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,800
The No Chubby Bubby Diet.
315
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,360
This is what she does.
316
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,160
I don't know how you cope with it.
317
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,720
She doesn't know she's being mean.
318
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,040
She really believes she's helping.
319
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,760
"Pregnancy is the most difficult
time of a woman's life,
320
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:20,240
"as her body is ravaged and becomes
almost uninhabitable."
321
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,680
For fuck's sake.
So trans-exclusionary.
322
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:23,920
What? Not the point.
323
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,640
It's my womb and tits, not
the main field after Glastonbury.
324
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:27,760
I'm sorry, mate.
325
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,360
"Women are trapped in their
saggy bodies after childbirth
326
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:35,000
"because, unlike the baby,
they have nowhere else to go."
327
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,920
This is classic Mum.
328
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,160
She's never forgiven me
for ruining her body.
329
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,360
As if that's my fault.
330
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,040
My body isn't getting ruined.
331
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,440
She should blame the Catholic
upbringing that didn't
332
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:46,600
teach her contraception.
It's making a person.
333
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,680
Can you not eat all my celery?
334
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,560
What, because I'm so fat and greedy?
335
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,400
Because I JUST bought it.
336
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,400
I want my baby to think I'm pretty.
Is that shallow?
337
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,560
The baby will fancy you SO much.
338
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:15,080
Oh, God, like, I'm already older
than my mum was when she died.
339
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,160
What if my baby thinks I'm old?
340
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,760
Your baby won't think that.
341
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,520
Yeah?
342
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,920
Your baby won't think anything,
it'll just be shitting itself.
343
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:30,720
In humans, on average, the male body
is composed of around 15% fat.
344
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:36,080
The female body, on average,
is nearer 25%.
345
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,280
We don't talk very much
about what fat is.
346
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,320
We're too busy resenting it.
347
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:42,840
After adolescence,
348
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,840
the number of fat cells in your body
is unlikely to change.
349
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:51,120
When you lose or put on weight,
your cells simply shrink or grow.
350
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:54,240
We eat food, which gets converted
to energy,
351
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,280
and any extra energy we don't use is
stored away.
352
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,840
Fat cells are our suitcases.
353
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:03,240
Microscopic luggage packed for
future survival.
354
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,800
Whether we've skipped breakfast,
or are experiencing extreme famine,
355
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,920
the energy stored in those cells
keeps us alive,
356
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:13,560
saved our ancestors'
lives so that we could live at all.
357
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,880
What has that got to do with me?
358
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,080
The female body has a higher fat
percentage because of pregnancy,
359
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,200
because it might one day have two
lives to save
360
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,720
when there's no food around.
361
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:22,880
So I AM fat.
362
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,720
Oh, no, you're not listening.
363
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:25,920
I'm joking.
364
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,080
Come on. I want to go this way.
365
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,320
Up. Oh, oh, oh.
366
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,320
Errrrr... OK.
367
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,160
Get your stuff together.
368
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,920
I am going to confront Mum.
369
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,200
Your mum.
370
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,360
Mother.
371
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,480
SARA GIGGLES
You can have her if you want.
372
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,640
Where's my celery?
373
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:51,000
Oh, there's...
374
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,360
It's all I've got in the house for
dinner.
375
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,680
No-ho-ho-ho!
376
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,880
You mustn't steal
vegetables from a vegan.
377
00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,880
SCOOPY CHUCKLES
378
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,600
Now, you can't hear what we're
saying, cos we're quite far away,
379
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,560
but Scoopy is currently going on
about how people shouldn't be made
380
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:08,040
to change their body shape,
which is ironic,
381
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,720
because she's a cosmetic
surgeon, but I'd never say
382
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,560
that to her Botoxed face.
383
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:21,840
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY AND TUTS
384
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,680
Your husband, Dennis, hasn't
been seen for nearly a week.
385
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:28,960
Great exposition.
386
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,640
Thank you. No comment.
387
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,880
I didn't ask you a question.
388
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:37,280
Well, ask me one, then.
389
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:40,840
What have you done to Dennis?
390
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,320
Nothing. No comment.
391
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,680
His mother is very worried.
392
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,240
Yeah, I'm worried, too.
393
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,040
No comment.
394
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,480
We found a rolled-up carpet
in the trunk of your car
395
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,320
covered in Dennis's DNA.
396
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,560
Yeah?
Well, how do you explain that?
397
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:02,240
That was the carpet Dennis
most liked to make love on.
398
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,280
You're using the past tense,
Mrs Holden.
399
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,200
Tell me the truth.
400
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:08,720
Is Dennis dead?
401
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,280
Carpet's dead.
402
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,640
Exactly why did you take
the carpet up?
403
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:18,880
Oh, God. Because, and you've said
this yourself,
404
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,600
Dennis ejaculated his DNA
all over it.
405
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:27,640
It's ruined.
406
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,080
ON TV: God, man.
You're out of your mind.
407
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,760
Hello.
408
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,840
ON TV: There's a crossbow receipt
in her sports bag,
409
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,360
and I don't like the way she's
looking at you.
410
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:42,080
I saw that look once before.
Just before I lost this eye.
411
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,040
You've got a problem with women in
positions of authority.
412
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,120
That's as maybe,
but if we don't stop her...
413
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,320
Oi! ..there'll be another
bloke in heaven.
414
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,560
Another ghost who could be alive.
415
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:58,320
HE LAUGHS
416
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,200
This is so emasculating!
SHE GIGGLES
417
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,920
Not in front of Idris Elba!
418
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:10,800
Oi! Scumbag!
419
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:14,200
Hello. Hello, beautiful woman.
420
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,000
How was work? Shut up. Who cares?
421
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,600
How was the dress shopping?
422
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,600
Are there options?
423
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,120
Did you take pictures?
424
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,160
Are there pictures of the options?
425
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,280
Yeah, it was amazing.
426
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:29,320
SHE SNIFFLES
427
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,720
Felt like a princess.
SHE SNIFFLES
428
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:35,760
Oh.
429
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,880
SHE SNIFFLES
That's good.
430
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,480
What you doing?
431
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,440
Your face looks sad.
432
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,800
I'm fine.
433
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,640
I just... And there's snot, babe.
Err!
434
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,320
Oh. It was horrible.
435
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,680
I'll make you a dress.
SHE CHUCKLES
436
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:11,760
I'll learn to knit.
THEY LAUGH
437
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,920
SHE SIGHS
438
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,880
I haven't felt this bad about
myself since puberty.
439
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:28,640
But, erm, Mum's had an idea.
440
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,160
KNOCKING AT DOOR
441
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,160
Oh!
442
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,440
I think we need to have a word.
443
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,080
CAROL: What's this?
444
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,720
Oh, I tried to stop him.
445
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,520
Oh, they're just...my duster.
446
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,160
God.
447
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:04,880
My fiance's the most
important person in my life,
448
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,120
and you are the most important
person in her life,
449
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,040
which means, Carol, you're very
important to me.
450
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,560
And you came storming
over just to tell me that?
451
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,280
Why did you tell Lucy she needed
to get a boob job?
452
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:17,840
I didn't. - She says you did!
453
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,160
Well, I didn't. - Lucy?
454
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,000
No, you misunderstood.
455
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,080
You told me that...
She just offered to pay.
456
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:26,720
STEFAN: Same thing!
CAROL: No, it isn't.
457
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,200
STEFAN: She does not need to change
one thing about herself.
458
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,480
CAROL: I just want my daughter to be
happy, and you'd better
459
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:33,960
remember that before you come
barging into my house,
460
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,680
bossing me about. There are things
you don't understand.
461
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,840
KNOCKING AT DOOR
462
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,440
Lucy has been asking for a breast
enlargement
463
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,280
since she was 14 years old.
464
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,920
KNOCKING AT DOOR
465
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,160
No! Get back upstairs, Dennis!
466
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:54,920
Stay there.
467
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:58,800
I think we need to have a word.
468
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:00,440
Oh, come on in.
SHE CHUCKLES
469
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,120
I'll open some whisky.
470
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,480
Thumb and Under-the-Thumber
471
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:08,120
are in the kitchen calling off the
wedding.
472
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:09,760
SARA AND SCOOPY: Oooooh!
473
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:11,720
Why didn't I know this
was such a big deal?
474
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,000
You do know.
475
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,560
I don't take my top off when we...
476
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,120
..you know. Yeah, but.
477
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,840
Hold up. I just thought
you were insecure.
478
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:20,880
I AM insecure.
479
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:24,200
Is the wedding off?
480
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,280
No. I was joking.
481
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:28,920
Who wants what?
482
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,240
I want an apology.
483
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,840
No, I meant more like drinks
and nibbles.
484
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,000
Stef?
485
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,680
You upset me with that book
today.
486
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:36,760
LUCY: Oh, you didn't?
487
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,400
Well, if it's not for you, just give
it to the charity shop.
488
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:40,680
Chubby Bubby? - Yes.
489
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,320
No need to have an early birth
in my kitchen.
490
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,080
Told you. Mum doesn't apologise.
491
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,840
I'm not family, so...
Yes, you are.
492
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,480
So sit down and CALM down.
493
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,120
Ginger tea?
494
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,520
Hi.
495
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,680
I wish you hadn't left earlier.
496
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:12,720
I was busy.
497
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:18,920
Sara offered me her old dress,
which was quite nice of her,
498
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,280
and I, erm, was rude about it.
499
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:23,440
Well, I'm sure you weren't.
500
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,320
She was! I said it was cursed.
501
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,560
HE SNIGGERS
502
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,640
It's a magic dress.
503
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:33,040
I never saw it that way, but somehow
it made somebody who didn't love me
504
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,920
be honest and tell me the truth.
505
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,560
It's a lucky dress.
506
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,280
His truth. If the dress made Stefan
tell his truth,
507
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,880
it would just be that he's
OBSESSIVELY in love with you
508
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,120
to the detriment
of any personality.
509
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,200
It's true.
510
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,360
Told ya.
511
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,480
You should get
a personality, Stefan.
512
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:57,640
You really think she could?
513
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:58,880
What? OK.
514
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,320
Er, Sara, we've got something to
ask you.
515
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:06,000
It would mean a very,
very great deal to her.
516
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,240
Are you proposing to her?
517
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:09,520
Not in front of my wife!
Sara?
518
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,640
BOTH: Will you be our best man?
519
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:13,680
SHE SQUEALS
520
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,720
The best of men! The best man!
521
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,320
Up in front of all of the other men!
The winner of men!
522
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:23,080
SHE LAUGHS
523
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,840
I'm so glad you have no male
friends.
524
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,480
What a productive day you've had.
525
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,840
So, do you want the dress?
Best man - tick.
526
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:31,760
Er, yeah, we're just going to get
it... Fixed.
527
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:32,840
Dress - tick.
528
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:37,160
Adjusted. Consultation
for breast enlargement - tick.
529
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:46,720
Too big for the garden,
too ugly for the prince.
530
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:49,080
Self-attack requires specifics.
531
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:56,920
The lie of Goldilocks was that
anything would ever be just right.
532
00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:01,040
Swap porridge, and you'll just blame
something else.
533
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,720
You don't even know
what you're talking about.
534
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,080
Yes, I do. I hate my boobs.
I hate them.
535
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:12,280
I'm so ashamed, always stuffing my
bra and feeling not proper,
536
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:16,200
and I blamed them when Craig left me
and then got engaged to Debbie.
537
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,720
Oh, yeah.
She was so... Debbie Big Tits.
538
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:20,840
And I kept thinking that was why
he'd left me.
539
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:22,520
If I'd been this or that.
540
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:25,000
Thinner. Smaller pores on my nose.
541
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:26,360
Smaller bum. Thanks, Mum.
542
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:28,080
And the top of your arms. Stop it!
543
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,160
It's true.
I know what you're saying.
544
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:33,920
We blame these parts of us,
when if I had bigger breasts,
545
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,280
I wouldn't be more worthy of love.
546
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:37,760
You've convinced me. Good.
547
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,520
I'm going to get it done.
Oh. You've missed my point!
548
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:43,280
Your point is what? Always be
miserable and hate yourself and fear
549
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:45,560
that you're going to be left for
Debbie Big Tits
550
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:46,800
when there IS an answer?
551
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,320
In answer to your question
about being best man -
552
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:50,800
no, thank you. I'm out.
553
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,640
Shove it.
554
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:55,400
Big mistake. Huge!
555
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:57,240
Like your bottom.
556
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,480
And, Dennis?
557
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,520
Stick that in a skip, or something.
558
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,200
It's ruined.
559
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:29,480
Carpet!
40862
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