Original subtitles

I'm back, baby,

and this time I want a refund.

Bet you never thought you'd see me again.

How can I assist you? I want my money back.

Er...

Not all of it, obviously. I think you might be mistaken.

Maybe just £700. Do you have a receipt?

Because of the rip. Rips.

No, I don't have a receipt, because I ran out of the shop crying.

Oh, my God. My mum had to come back and pay for the dress

because I was still wearing it. I know you.

I've been on Mock The Week. They teach you as a case study.

What?

In training.

You are our worst case scenario.

I thought that I was over my ex because we broke up a decade

and a half ago, and since then I've had sex with

over five of his friends. But recent events...

♪ Cos I'm already broken

♪ My heart...

SHE SINGS INCOHERENTLY

♪ ..I'm dying

♪ I'm dying... ♪

..suggest that I might still be nursing some issues.

Is it true you got run over chasing after him?

No. Oh. I fell over in front of a car.

So embarrassing.

Not really. I don't think he saw.

Anyway, my refund.

I can't. Please.

It's a dirty, ripped-up dress and nearly, what, 50 years old?

15! I'm not in my 60s, am I?

Clearly. If you say so. Can I get a selfie?

No. Look, it took a long time for me to get the confidence to come back

here to where it all happened and...

Shit. Shit.

IN DIFFERENT ACCENT: Bad luck for a bride to see another bride.

That was very brave of me.

I'm not running away from my feelings any more.

That's not feelings.

That's my sister.

I've cut her out of my life because she betrayed me.

They ALL betrayed me.

They've been going to Zumba with Craig for MONTHS

when they know how much he hurt me.

This might not seem like a big deal to you, but this is the fiance

who saw me trying on my wedding dress and thought,

"I know. I'll dump her."

Craig, the one who made me like this.

SHE LAUGHS

I forgot what I was wearing.

Carol? You're back?

Oh, hello, Vanessa.

If you're done in there, I'll...

Oh, go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All yours.

Oh!

Ooh! Sorry. Whatcha.

Well... I was worried. I thought you quit Zumba.

Oh, no.

Have you been elsewhere, Carol?

Uh... It's all right. You can tell me.

I mean... SHE CHUCKLES

It's not like you're cheating on me behind me back.

SHE CHUCKLES

Speaking of which, Dennis has still not turned up.

I did go to Zumba with Craig, but that's all over now.

I've had to promise never to go back.

Oh, don't worry about it on my account, love.

I'm just worried about YOU. You know?

You've got to keep it up, Carol.

Especially at your age.

Although you look fine, by the way.

Oh, thank you, Vanessa.

That means a lot.

Yeah. Well, I'm only letting myself have biscuits,

cake or wine when I'm out running.

Oh, that's clever.

I spill quite a lot, obviously.

Genius. So, half the calories.

Lucy's getting married.

Aw!

Yeah, so I've got the photos and that,

and my ex-husband's going to be there.

Are you doing a revenge body?

No. No. I just want to feel good about myself...

..and look so thin that everyone's worried.

Your revenge body.

That'll teach him to F off and leave you raising them kids by yourself.

Is 30 years a bit long for revenge?

No, it's a dish best served cold.

Like gazpacho.

A cold, hot body.

SHARP TEARING Oh!

Should have done a revenge body years ago.

No, it's only just been invented.

Right, girls! Why is everyone standing around? Get changed.

Let's Zumba!

SHE CLAPS

The problem with this style is the shape. No, I like the shape.

I meant yours. Mine?

Your pear. What about them?

Pear - bottom heavy, small up top.

Very small indeed.

Like a child.

We have to distract attention.

We have to lead the eye.

Let's trick people into forgetting your flaws.

Hide this, raise here.

Yank it all in here.

And perhaps a nice cloak at the back.

A cloak? Cloak.

What happens now is we storm out and we come back in an hour

with lots of bags saying "Big mistake, huge!"

I'm calling the police. About what? Glittering?

I'd like to see you cloaks, please.

No way! She was fucking rude to you. She's a professional.

Are you mystery shoppers? Is this training?

Do you know what, mate? You're MY worst-case scenario.

I would like to see your most flattering cloaks.

SHE SINGS TUNELESSLY

What is that - the Wedding March? Pretty Woman theme.

No, it really isn't. For legal reasons.

♪ Duh na-na-na naaa-naaaa na... ♪

Let's go!

I'm choosing my dress.

You're the one who wanted nothing to do with this wedding, so go.

Big mistake. Huge.

Eurgh!

Everyone making women insecure so they can sell them stuff.

She might be my enemy, but she's not a pear.

She's got arms and legs.

And no stalk.

When Alice gets to Wonderland, she sees a beautiful garden

through a little door and she thinks that's where happiness is.

And she's too big to get in there.

So she's running around, working out what she needs to eat, or not eat,

in order to get small enough to disappear a bit,

to exist less.

And the truth is that she'll never be the right size.

The door was never an entry point.

It wasn't there to admit her.

The door was there to show her she'd never be happy.

LATIN-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

Five, six, seven, eight!

And...

He's come home from work.

But he's drunk!

Step to the side, step! Slap! Slap him!

Step to the side. Step. Slap him.

Slap him, slap him.

Kick him.

Kick him, kick him.

Kick him, kick him, kick him, kick him.

Punch him. Punch him.

Punch him, punch him. REPEATS RAPIDLY: Punch him!

And Zumba-aa! ALL: Zumba-aa!

He's unconscious and he's snoring.

Roll him in the carpet.

Roll...him...in...the...carpet.

Roll him, roll him, roll him, roll him, roll him.

Roll him, roll him, roll him, roll him, roll him!

Roll him. MUSIC STOPS

SHE PANTS

Hah!

Just keep the carpet.

Oh!

Chase him, chase him, chase him, chase him!

Come on, Scoopy, give it some welly!

Chase him!

Running on the spot.

Ah!

Running on the spot.

Running on the spot!

And Zumba-aa! ALL: Zumba-aa!

Load the crossbow.

Grr!

I'm not here to say sorry, I just forgot my dress.

I'm not giving you one of our bags in case you pretend you bought

it here. I did buy it here.

This century.

Oh, you came back. Thank you.

I don't like doing this by myself. That's all right.

I'm a really nice person. It's just not fun by yourself.

Maybe it's just not fun.

I wish Stefan was here. I really need my fiance.

Very bad luck. It's bullshit like that that makes everybody

hate weddings. Not everyone, just you.

Anyway, what do you think?

Honestly. I think this could be the one.

It goes really well with the theme.

Is the theme overpriced dresses?

No, fairy-tale.

What we learn from Cinderella is that to be loved, you must deceive.

Dress up fancy. Don't tell the truth. Your truth -

that you smell of ashes and hate your family.

Don't talk too much.

Just wear your outfit, then run away.

The prince will be besotted, because he knows nothing about you.

Only your tiny shoe size.

And any other women wanting love must chop some of their feet off.

Come on, please, just try.

OK, I really need an opinion.

It's not my kind of film, is it?

Do you like the dress?

I kind of need you to try on loads - like about 30, but really quickly

with an upbeat song. Then every time you pull across the curtain,

I do a different reaction face. For instance, this one.

And, then, this one. And, then, this one.

You want a montage scene?

Do you like this dress?

Yes. But, honestly, I think you'd look beautiful in anything.

You're so fit. Shut up.

You are! You're so hot and sexy.

If you were a boy, I'd... Be your brother.

Still would.

You don't still, do you?

I don't know what you mean, mate.

That weird brother lover poster.

Yep.

It's saucy, it's sexy. It's my date to your wedding.

How much is it - the dress?

It doesn't matter what it costs. That's a lie.

It matters how she feels. Right.

I didn't realise you accepted feelings as payment.

I miss Craig.

Vanessa's nowhere near as good. Yeah, she scared me.

You know her husband, Dennis, is missing?

Shit!

It's like Somebody Needs To Talk About Kevin,

only with Vanessa.

Do you mean We Need To Talk About...? Sara.

I suppose we should.

Elephant on the table.

She made up with you yet?

No.

You?

I don't need her forgiveness. I grew her! Inside of me.

Oh, nearly forgot. Hold that.

Er, I got this book for Lucy. Right.

I mean, she completely ignored it.

Blew up like a fat balloon.

"The No Chubby Bubby Diet."

Pregnancy weight. It's cultural, Scoopy.

Er, yeah, I'm not sure that's right.

Yes.

Back when humans were starving scavengers,

no-one ever put on weight.

It's easy. You just cut out carbs, fats and protein.

Right, I'm going to jog on ahead so I can have a drink.

OK. Cheers.

See ya. See ya.

ANSWERPHONE: Please leave your message after the tone. BEEP

Sara, please stop ignoring my calls.

I've hit rock-bottom.

Mum just called me fat and ran away.

Shall I try it? Isn't a bit old-fashioned?

Well, it's, like, from the time when that would have been the first time

you've met the man you'd been sold to...

Love it!

Really?

You can't possibly be their mother.

You don't look old enough.

Oh, had then when I was a teenager.

Do you honestly love it?

Well, if you don't wear it, I will.

OK, but I think it might be too much.

No, it's just enough, angel.

No, no, I meant too much money.

It's three grand.

SCOOPY: Oh, my God. I'm going to cry.

God, you look exactly like the bride emoji. LUCY: Really?

SCOOPY: Yeah, like, exactly. But darling, that's half

the total wedding budget.

But...

It's the only dress that doesn't make me look awful.

You could get a second-hand car for that.

Oh. OK.

I'll take it...I'll take it off, then.

Dared to dream.

15 years ago, Mum had to buy my unneeded wedding dress.

And it still makes me feel awful, ugly and rejected,

but it's not the dress's fault.

Actually, Luce, I might have the solution.

I'd consider it an honour to give to you...

Oh, my God. Amazing. How much?

..my dress!

Is... Isn't that cursed?

Yes. No.

I'm not getting married in the dress you got dumped in.

OK. Sorry.

Anyway, I better go.

No! Good luck with the shopping, everyone.

See you later. No, Sara. Oh, no, Sara.

SCOOPY: Sara. Don't be oversensitive. LUCY: Come back!

Oh, God, I mean, I'd tell her not to bother chasing her,

but she needs to burn the calories.

Hey?

Hey, I can't chase you!

Turn around and see what happens when I try to run!

SARA SMIRKS

Oh, fuck. Ow.

That is very funny.

SCOOPY SNIGGERS Oh, shut up.

Come on.

That was you at Zumba. SCOOPY SMIRKS

Piss off.

I'm very sorry about what happened.

And I don't mean to be mean about your mum, but she's...

Mad? She's insane!

I know. She just told me we were going to Zumba, she didn't say Craig

was going to be there, and then afterwards she swore me to secrecy,

Oh, God. She probably fancies him.

Oh, and today, honestly, Sara, this.

The No Chubby Bubby Diet.

This is what she does.

I don't know how you cope with it.

She doesn't know she's being mean.

She really believes she's helping.

"Pregnancy is the most difficult time of a woman's life,

"as her body is ravaged and becomes almost uninhabitable."

For fuck's sake. So trans-exclusionary.

What? Not the point.

It's my womb and tits, not the main field after Glastonbury.

I'm sorry, mate.

"Women are trapped in their saggy bodies after childbirth

"because, unlike the baby, they have nowhere else to go."

This is classic Mum.

She's never forgiven me for ruining her body.

As if that's my fault.

My body isn't getting ruined.

She should blame the Catholic upbringing that didn't

teach her contraception. It's making a person.

Can you not eat all my celery?

What, because I'm so fat and greedy?

Because I JUST bought it.

I want my baby to think I'm pretty. Is that shallow?

The baby will fancy you SO much.

Oh, God, like, I'm already older than my mum was when she died.

What if my baby thinks I'm old?

Your baby won't think that.

Yeah?

Your baby won't think anything, it'll just be shitting itself.

In humans, on average, the male body is composed of around 15% fat.

The female body, on average, is nearer 25%.

We don't talk very much about what fat is.

We're too busy resenting it.

After adolescence,

the number of fat cells in your body is unlikely to change.

When you lose or put on weight, your cells simply shrink or grow.

We eat food, which gets converted to energy,

and any extra energy we don't use is stored away.

Fat cells are our suitcases.

Microscopic luggage packed for future survival.

Whether we've skipped breakfast, or are experiencing extreme famine,

the energy stored in those cells keeps us alive,

saved our ancestors' lives so that we could live at all.

What has that got to do with me?

The female body has a higher fat percentage because of pregnancy,

because it might one day have two lives to save

when there's no food around.

So I AM fat.

Oh, no, you're not listening.

I'm joking.

Come on. I want to go this way.

Up. Oh, oh, oh.

Errrrr... OK.

Get your stuff together.

I am going to confront Mum.

Your mum.

Mother.

SARA GIGGLES You can have her if you want.

Where's my celery?

Oh, there's...

It's all I've got in the house for dinner.

No-ho-ho-ho!

You mustn't steal vegetables from a vegan.

SCOOPY CHUCKLES

Now, you can't hear what we're saying, cos we're quite far away,

but Scoopy is currently going on about how people shouldn't be made

to change their body shape, which is ironic,

because she's a cosmetic surgeon, but I'd never say

that to her Botoxed face.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY AND TUTS

Your husband, Dennis, hasn't been seen for nearly a week.

Great exposition.

Thank you. No comment.

I didn't ask you a question.

Well, ask me one, then.

What have you done to Dennis?

Nothing. No comment.

His mother is very worried.

Yeah, I'm worried, too.

No comment.

We found a rolled-up carpet in the trunk of your car

covered in Dennis's DNA.

Yeah? Well, how do you explain that?

That was the carpet Dennis most liked to make love on.

You're using the past tense, Mrs Holden.

Tell me the truth.

Is Dennis dead?

Carpet's dead.

Exactly why did you take the carpet up?

Oh, God. Because, and you've said this yourself,

Dennis ejaculated his DNA all over it.

It's ruined.

ON TV: God, man. You're out of your mind.

Hello.

ON TV: There's a crossbow receipt in her sports bag,

and I don't like the way she's looking at you.

I saw that look once before. Just before I lost this eye.

You've got a problem with women in positions of authority.

That's as maybe, but if we don't stop her...

Oi! ..there'll be another bloke in heaven.

Another ghost who could be alive.

HE LAUGHS

This is so emasculating! SHE GIGGLES

Not in front of Idris Elba!

Oi! Scumbag!

Hello. Hello, beautiful woman.

How was work? Shut up. Who cares?

How was the dress shopping?

Are there options?

Did you take pictures?

Are there pictures of the options?

Yeah, it was amazing.

SHE SNIFFLES

Felt like a princess. SHE SNIFFLES

Oh.

SHE SNIFFLES That's good.

What you doing?

Your face looks sad.

I'm fine.

I just... And there's snot, babe. Err!

Oh. It was horrible.

I'll make you a dress. SHE CHUCKLES

I'll learn to knit. THEY LAUGH

SHE SIGHS

I haven't felt this bad about myself since puberty.

But, erm, Mum's had an idea.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Oh!

I think we need to have a word.

CAROL: What's this?

Oh, I tried to stop him.

Oh, they're just...my duster.

God.

My fiance's the most important person in my life,

and you are the most important person in her life,

which means, Carol, you're very important to me.

And you came storming over just to tell me that?

Why did you tell Lucy she needed to get a boob job?

I didn't. - She says you did!

Well, I didn't. - Lucy?

No, you misunderstood.

You told me that... She just offered to pay.

STEFAN: Same thing! CAROL: No, it isn't.

STEFAN: She does not need to change one thing about herself.

CAROL: I just want my daughter to be happy, and you'd better

remember that before you come barging into my house,

bossing me about. There are things you don't understand.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Lucy has been asking for a breast enlargement

since she was 14 years old.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

No! Get back upstairs, Dennis!

Stay there.

I think we need to have a word.

Oh, come on in. SHE CHUCKLES

I'll open some whisky.

Thumb and Under-the-Thumber

are in the kitchen calling off the wedding.

SARA AND SCOOPY: Oooooh!

Why didn't I know this was such a big deal?

You do know.

I don't take my top off when we...

..you know. Yeah, but.

Hold up. I just thought you were insecure.

I AM insecure.

Is the wedding off?

No. I was joking.

Who wants what?

I want an apology.

No, I meant more like drinks and nibbles.

Stef?

You upset me with that book today.

LUCY: Oh, you didn't?

Well, if it's not for you, just give it to the charity shop.

Chubby Bubby? - Yes.

No need to have an early birth in my kitchen.

Told you. Mum doesn't apologise.

I'm not family, so... Yes, you are.

So sit down and CALM down.

Ginger tea?

Hi.

I wish you hadn't left earlier.

I was busy.

Sara offered me her old dress, which was quite nice of her,

and I, erm, was rude about it.

Well, I'm sure you weren't.

She was! I said it was cursed.

HE SNIGGERS

It's a magic dress.

I never saw it that way, but somehow it made somebody who didn't love me

be honest and tell me the truth.

It's a lucky dress.

His truth. If the dress made Stefan tell his truth,

it would just be that he's OBSESSIVELY in love with you

to the detriment of any personality.

It's true.

Told ya.

You should get a personality, Stefan.

You really think she could?

What? OK.

Er, Sara, we've got something to ask you.

It would mean a very, very great deal to her.

Are you proposing to her?

Not in front of my wife! Sara?

BOTH: Will you be our best man?

SHE SQUEALS

The best of men! The best man!

Up in front of all of the other men! The winner of men!

SHE LAUGHS

I'm so glad you have no male friends.

What a productive day you've had.

So, do you want the dress? Best man - tick.

Er, yeah, we're just going to get it... Fixed.

Dress - tick.

Adjusted. Consultation for breast enlargement - tick.

Too big for the garden, too ugly for the prince.

Self-attack requires specifics.

The lie of Goldilocks was that anything would ever be just right.

Swap porridge, and you'll just blame something else.

You don't even know what you're talking about.

Yes, I do. I hate my boobs. I hate them.

I'm so ashamed, always stuffing my bra and feeling not proper,

and I blamed them when Craig left me and then got engaged to Debbie.

Oh, yeah. She was so... Debbie Big Tits.

And I kept thinking that was why he'd left me.

If I'd been this or that.

Thinner. Smaller pores on my nose.

Smaller bum. Thanks, Mum.

And the top of your arms. Stop it!

It's true. I know what you're saying.

We blame these parts of us, when if I had bigger breasts,

I wouldn't be more worthy of love.

You've convinced me. Good.

I'm going to get it done. Oh. You've missed my point!

Your point is what? Always be miserable and hate yourself and fear

that you're going to be left for Debbie Big Tits

when there IS an answer?

In answer to your question about being best man -

no, thank you. I'm out.

Shove it.

Big mistake. Huge!

Like your bottom.

And, Dennis?

Stick that in a skip, or something.

It's ruined.

Carpet!