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1
00:00:02,687 --> 00:00:05,520
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:09,039
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:12,444
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:16,198
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,527 --> 00:00:20,486
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,727 --> 00:00:24,037
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,247 --> 00:00:27,796
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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# One foot in the grave #
9
00:01:03,807 --> 00:01:07,197
You nearly finished with that?
I've got some letters to write
10
00:01:07,287 --> 00:01:12,600
Hey! Listen to this It's from Mr Hithercroft
11
00:01:12,967 --> 00:01:15,481
You know, that old bloke with the monocle
12
00:01:15,567 --> 00:01:20,163
He says, ''Thank you so much for showing me
around your house last Thursday
13
00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:22,716
''It is a truly delightful property
14
00:01:22,807 --> 00:01:27,801
''and I should very much like to arrange
a return visit to inspect it more closely
15
00:01:29,607 --> 00:01:33,646
''I hope you will not mind
if this time I bring along my camera
16
00:01:34,007 --> 00:01:38,364
''as I am very keen
to take some photographs of you in the nude
17
00:01:41,047 --> 00:01:45,245
''I have a wide collection
of World War II gas masks
18
00:01:45,447 --> 00:01:48,086
''which, if you are agreeable, we''
19
00:01:50,007 --> 00:01:51,520
Oh, dear
20
00:01:51,927 --> 00:01:53,963
I think I feel sick
21
00:01:55,327 --> 00:01:59,923
-It sounds quite promising, then?
-Sounds quite I beg your pardon
22
00:02:00,007 --> 00:02:03,283
Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably
You never know, he might be serious
23
00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:04,846
We are desperate
24
00:02:04,927 --> 00:02:07,487
We're not that bloody desperate
25
00:02:08,327 --> 00:02:11,364
In any case, it's addressed to you
26
00:02:11,447 --> 00:02:12,800
What?
27
00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:16,004
What's that? A diary you're starting up now?
28
00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:19,966
(CLEARING THROAT) Yeah Just finished
There you are All yours
29
00:02:22,287 --> 00:02:25,279
''Rub each other's thighs with Swarfega''
30
00:02:34,127 --> 00:02:36,516
VICTOR: Welcome back to suburbia
31
00:02:40,207 --> 00:02:44,200
Yeah, they put these new lampposts up
at last, I see
32
00:02:44,407 --> 00:02:46,363
How are your feet? Still burning?
33
00:02:46,887 --> 00:02:48,081
Burning?
34
00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:52,126
I may have to stick them under the toaster
when I get in to cool them down
35
00:02:52,727 --> 00:02:55,844
Blisters are bursting all over now I can feel them
36
00:02:56,247 --> 00:03:00,445
I think it's safe to say I won't be doing
much tap-dancing over the next few weeks
37
00:03:02,607 --> 00:03:05,758
Oh, look at that!
38
00:03:12,047 --> 00:03:16,484
You know who this is, don't you?
That new mob who's moved into number 1 0
39
00:03:17,007 --> 00:03:20,238
Little buggers I'll wring their necks when I
40
00:03:20,927 --> 00:03:22,519
There they are now
41
00:03:22,607 --> 00:03:23,835
Oi, you!
42
00:03:24,727 --> 00:03:29,357
What's this? My bloody front garden
doubling up as Trent Bridge now, is it?
43
00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:33,242
If you ask nicely, I'll set up a sight screen
in the dining room for you!
44
00:03:33,327 --> 00:03:35,761
Oh, why don't you sod off down a sewer?
45
00:03:36,647 --> 00:03:40,640
Don't you tell me to sod off down a sewer,
you cocky little tyke
46
00:03:40,727 --> 00:03:43,321
Five seconds we've been back
47
00:03:43,927 --> 00:03:47,602
-He's going to tell his dad about you
-Yeah, what's he going to do about it?
48
00:03:47,687 --> 00:03:50,804
-You'll soon find out He hates your guts
-Yeah
49
00:03:50,887 --> 00:03:53,640
Well, you can tell him from me
that the feeling is mutual
50
00:03:53,727 --> 00:03:56,719
-Oh, you miserable old bleeder
-Oh, you miserable old git
51
00:03:57,687 --> 00:04:01,202
BOYS: # Victor Meldrew, Victor Meldrew #
52
00:04:04,367 --> 00:04:06,323
You won't have much to sing about
53
00:04:06,407 --> 00:04:10,320
when I've finished cuffing you
round the ears with that cricket bat
54
00:04:12,767 --> 00:04:15,042
Cheeky little bastards
55
00:04:29,527 --> 00:04:33,679
Someone's been at these grapes
There was 24 here when we left
56
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:37,206
It's the last time I let him
come round to feed the fish
57
00:04:37,287 --> 00:04:40,996
And I bet you anything you like
he spat the pips out as well
58
00:04:42,487 --> 00:04:44,717
Yeah There's one there Look
59
00:04:45,847 --> 00:04:47,678
And there's another one
60
00:04:53,647 --> 00:04:55,399
PIPPA: Hello!
61
00:04:57,127 --> 00:04:58,321
Hello?
62
00:04:58,407 --> 00:05:00,398
You both have a nice time?
63
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,879
Bit of a heat wave down that way,
wasn't there, by all accounts?
64
00:05:03,967 --> 00:05:07,437
Yeah, I'm afraid Victor came
a bit of a cropper with his feet
65
00:05:07,527 --> 00:05:12,681
Left them pointing at the sun while he fell asleep
and burnt the soles like I can't tell you
66
00:05:20,047 --> 00:05:23,881
He's been shuffling around
like Toulouse-Lautrec now for five days
67
00:05:25,607 --> 00:05:30,283
-Oh, dear Where exactly did this happen then?
-Oh, while we were on the beach
68
00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:33,359
Luckily, there was another chap there
from the same hotel
69
00:05:33,447 --> 00:05:36,200
who very kindly dragged him back to the car
70
00:05:36,607 --> 00:05:39,075
Otherwise I don't know what we would have done
71
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,725
Oh, hang on a minute
72
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:42,365
Should be Yes
73
00:05:42,887 --> 00:05:44,559
Here we are
74
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:47,686
Look
75
00:05:49,527 --> 00:05:51,722
-He looks nice
-Yes
76
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,520
He was
77
00:05:56,247 --> 00:05:59,478
His name's Ben He lives in North London
78
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:03,156
Yes He was a lot of fun
79
00:06:04,007 --> 00:06:07,124
Well, anyway, I think your fish
are all present and correct
80
00:06:07,207 --> 00:06:09,596
None of them coughing up blood or anything
81
00:06:10,447 --> 00:06:13,837
Oh, your mail's all in the kitchen
so I'd better scoot
82
00:06:13,927 --> 00:06:15,804
-All right
-I'll see you later, I expect
83
00:06:15,887 --> 00:06:19,004
-Yes, and thanks for everything, Pippa
-Okay, bye
84
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,884
(TOILET FLUSHING)
85
00:06:23,447 --> 00:06:26,723
Edge of that lavatory pan isn't half cold
86
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:30,321
Next time I'll get something to kneel on
87
00:06:30,407 --> 00:06:31,920
(PHONE RINGING)
88
00:06:41,687 --> 00:06:43,040
4291
89
00:06:43,887 --> 00:06:44,956
Yes?
90
00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,636
What?
91
00:06:48,127 --> 00:06:51,756
Yes, I did, and I'll bloody well
shout at them again if I feel like it
92
00:06:51,847 --> 00:06:54,839
Have you seen what they've done to my window?
93
00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:58,404
I don't care! You should bring them up better!
94
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:03,165
Bloody family of yobs!
95
00:07:04,047 --> 00:07:08,120
Never done a day's work
since they moved in either if it comes to that
96
00:07:08,207 --> 00:07:10,880
I think Mrs Aylesbury said
he was a painter or something
97
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:12,639
Got a job with the brewery
98
00:07:12,727 --> 00:07:14,638
What as? A piss ar
99
00:07:15,687 --> 00:07:17,166
What the hell?
100
00:07:18,247 --> 00:07:19,885
Where did
101
00:07:21,367 --> 00:07:22,641
Terrific
102
00:07:23,207 --> 00:07:25,926
Yes, it's really wonderful to be home
103
00:08:08,047 --> 00:08:10,959
What was all that racket out there in the night?
104
00:08:11,847 --> 00:08:15,123
People banging about and giggling
Did you hear it?
105
00:08:15,487 --> 00:08:19,605
I didn't hear anything, and how long
do we have to put up with this vile object up here?
106
00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:25,766
It's like something out of Lord of the Flies.
107
00:08:25,847 --> 00:08:29,362
What's the matter with it?
I thought it was rather unusual
108
00:08:29,447 --> 00:08:30,880
You're unusual
109
00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:36,121
Strange, isn't it? Other people bring back
sticks of rock or seashells But no
110
00:08:36,367 --> 00:08:39,484
You've been in that mood
ever since we got back last week
111
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:42,001
Holidays can't last forever, you know
112
00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:47,444
-Did you bring the milk in?
-I haven't had a chance
113
00:08:52,687 --> 00:08:54,200
(PHONE RINGING)
114
00:08:58,087 --> 00:08:59,315
4291
115
00:09:01,127 --> 00:09:02,401
Oh
116
00:09:02,487 --> 00:09:04,000
Oh, hello
117
00:09:07,807 --> 00:09:09,718
What a lovely surprise
118
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:19,005
I don't believe
119
00:09:36,207 --> 00:09:39,563
And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals!
120
00:09:45,847 --> 00:09:48,520
-I mean, what the hell is it?
-It's a cake
121
00:09:49,487 --> 00:09:51,682
Yes, thank you I can see it's a cake
122
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,917
I didn't think it was Douglas Hurd's underpants
123
00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:56,805
I mean, what was it doing on our front doorstep?
124
00:09:56,887 --> 00:10:00,402
Mr Arnold Larkspur, 1 7 River's Bank
125
00:10:00,487 --> 00:10:02,921
Oh, yes We had a letter for him the other day
126
00:10:03,007 --> 00:10:06,636
That's that new block of old people's flats
up near the park
127
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:09,520
You can't wonder people keep getting mixed up
128
00:10:09,607 --> 00:10:11,518
I don't see why They're completely different
129
00:10:11,607 --> 00:10:15,759
I mean we're River Bank, they're River's Bank
One's got an ''apostrophe s''
130
00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:20,443
Don't let him dribble all over it
Take him out for his walk or something
131
00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:23,924
Yes, you have been dribbling
a lot lately, haven't you?
132
00:10:24,007 --> 00:10:27,716
Perhaps it's something to do
with accidentally swallowing that little key
133
00:10:27,807 --> 00:10:30,560
in Mr Meldrew's back garden
the other week, hmm?
134
00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:34,276
It wouldn't surprise me
if you had trained him to do that
135
00:10:34,687 --> 00:10:40,125
The poor man hasn't been able to undo
the padlock to his shed now for a fortnight
136
00:10:40,687 --> 00:10:42,439
Yes, it is a shame, isn't it?
137
00:10:42,527 --> 00:10:47,123
Still, never mind, I'm sure it'll work
its way through in the fullness of time
138
00:10:47,207 --> 00:10:48,879
Won't it, Denzil?
139
00:10:50,207 --> 00:10:53,279
Evil Pathologically evil
140
00:10:57,847 --> 00:11:00,236
Ah, Mr Meldrew The very man
141
00:11:00,687 --> 00:11:02,996
I don't suppose he's produced anything yet at all?
142
00:11:03,087 --> 00:11:05,965
Well, I'm sure if he has, it'll be in here
143
00:11:06,487 --> 00:11:09,524
I made a point of saving them all up for you
while you were away
144
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:13,237
How very thoughtful of you
145
00:11:13,887 --> 00:11:15,115
Yes
146
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:18,643
And Pippa said to give you
these Marigold rubber gloves
147
00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:23,916
I think they're the right size
Anything else you might require?
148
00:11:24,007 --> 00:11:25,406
A pair of tweezers or
149
00:11:25,487 --> 00:11:27,796
Thank you I think I can manage
150
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,316
Good
151
00:11:31,287 --> 00:11:34,563
Well, I'll leave you to it, then
Happy hunting, Mr Meldrew
152
00:12:14,727 --> 00:12:16,479
(TYRES SCREECHING)
153
00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:18,286
(CRASHING)
154
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:19,925
(GLASS SHATTERING)
155
00:12:30,127 --> 00:12:35,759
Mr Meldrew, sorry to interrupt
I think you'd better come out the front
156
00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:41,560
A big milk tanker's just ploughed
into that new lamppost outside your house
157
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:44,886
I'm afraid it's done a bit of damage
158
00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:47,159
What sort of damage?
159
00:12:57,607 --> 00:13:01,805
It's no good I'm going to have to get
something to cover my eyes
160
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:07,645
Think I've got that complementary
Dan-Air mask in here somewhere
161
00:13:08,647 --> 00:13:10,797
Bloody milk tanker
162
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:15,280
I mean, what speed was he doing
in the first place, for God's sake?
163
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:19,716
I'm going to be suing that dairy
for every penny they've got I can tell you that
164
00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:21,877
Oh, God
165
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:26,757
There must be something better in life than this
166
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:30,635
It's not my fault if people treat our estate
like a Scalextric track
167
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:34,276
I'd have put a pair of trousers over it
but it'd probably burn a hole in the seat
168
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:39,043
Morning, noon and night
If it's not one thing, it's another
169
00:13:39,127 --> 00:13:42,164
Well, that's the way the world is today,
I'm afraid, and you're stuck with it
170
00:13:42,247 --> 00:13:43,362
Am I?
171
00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:48,598
What do you mean, ''am I?''
172
00:13:50,687 --> 00:13:52,996
I don't know what I mean
173
00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:15,923
You won't forget to put the dustbin out later,
will you? Only they won't empty it otherwise
174
00:14:16,007 --> 00:14:17,281
Yes
175
00:14:18,807 --> 00:14:24,484
And, um, I may be late back tonight
because I'm going to have a drink with someone
176
00:14:24,607 --> 00:14:26,279
Oh, yes? Who's that?
177
00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:29,404
Oh Just a friend who asked me if I wanted to
178
00:14:29,487 --> 00:14:32,365
Do you have to stick that thing down there?
179
00:14:32,727 --> 00:14:36,720
Sorry I thought I'd try changing the plug
I've tried everything else
180
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,886
Just because I want to watch
the UEFA Cup final tonight
181
00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:41,685
Absolutely typical
182
00:14:42,527 --> 00:14:46,725
Right So don't feel you have to
wait up or anything
183
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:51,405
-And I'll see you later
-Right Have a good time Bye
184
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:53,684
Get in there, you
185
00:14:56,207 --> 00:14:57,925
That's got you
186
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,203
Now then
187
00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:04,039
where have you gone?
188
00:15:10,447 --> 00:15:12,881
I don't believe it
189
00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:20,802
There we are That's the letter to the dairy
expressing my views on their tanker drivers
190
00:15:21,127 --> 00:15:24,403
I hope you can read the writing
I got a bit carried away once I got started
191
00:15:24,487 --> 00:15:26,045
No, it all seems fine
192
00:15:26,127 --> 00:15:28,925
I'll get it all typed up professionally
on Patrick's computer
193
00:15:29,007 --> 00:15:31,999
It'll carry a lot more weight
You off out now, then?
194
00:15:32,087 --> 00:15:34,681
Yes, Margaret's just gone off for a meal
with some old biddy
195
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,442
so I thought I'd pop down to the pub
and see the match since the telly's conked out
196
00:15:38,527 --> 00:15:40,404
All right, I'll get this back to you tomorrow then
197
00:15:40,487 --> 00:15:43,524
-Right That's great Thanks very much Bye
-Bye
198
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,564
AMBULANCE WOMAN: That's the ticket
199
00:16:30,327 --> 00:16:32,887
There we are, my lovely
200
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:37,077
Had a bit of trouble finding your house, didn't we?
201
00:16:37,447 --> 00:16:40,757
Yes Got ourselves into a right old pickle
202
00:16:40,847 --> 00:16:43,759
1 9 River's Bank This is definitely the one
203
00:16:43,847 --> 00:16:45,599
Hello? Anybody home?
204
00:16:46,647 --> 00:16:50,356
Mr Staveacre, we've brought your wife back
from the hospital
205
00:16:50,447 --> 00:16:53,166
Perhaps he's in the garden or something
206
00:16:53,247 --> 00:16:56,796
She's still very sedated
I think we should put her straight to bed
207
00:16:56,887 --> 00:17:00,163
Up we go This way That's it
208
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:04,402
Up we go And that's it
209
00:17:04,487 --> 00:17:08,799
Nasty old accident they've had up there
with that lamppost, eh? And no mistake
210
00:17:32,207 --> 00:17:33,526
Thank you
211
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,678
-Margaret
-Hello, Ben
212
00:17:38,327 --> 00:17:41,444
-You're looking radiant
-Well, I don't feel it
213
00:17:41,887 --> 00:17:43,161
Thank you
214
00:17:46,407 --> 00:17:49,399
This past week has been one long horror story
215
00:17:49,847 --> 00:17:54,159
I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it all
The holiday and you
216
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:57,557
Oh, waiter, this isn't properly chilled
217
00:17:57,647 --> 00:18:00,286
-Would you bring us another, please?
-Certainly, sir
218
00:18:00,687 --> 00:18:04,282
I always think there's nothing worse
than warm champagne
219
00:18:04,647 --> 00:18:05,921
Especially tonight
220
00:18:06,847 --> 00:18:08,917
It's good to see you again
221
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,405
Five-nil
222
00:18:24,127 --> 00:18:27,244
Wish I'd stayed at home and read a bloody book
223
00:18:46,487 --> 00:18:47,966
Bloody thing
224
00:18:49,647 --> 00:18:52,445
If the council don't come round
about that tomorrow,
225
00:18:52,527 --> 00:18:55,280
I'm going to take a hammer
and smash that bulb in
226
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,756
I've just about had enough of it
227
00:19:18,487 --> 00:19:20,284
Are you awake?
228
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,198
Did you have a nice time tonight?
229
00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:23,686
(MURMURING)
230
00:19:30,047 --> 00:19:35,167
and by now, he's virtually at war
with every neighbour on the estate
231
00:19:35,247 --> 00:19:37,522
-Talk about never a dull moment
-I know
232
00:19:37,607 --> 00:19:39,837
He's just frightful, isn't he?
233
00:19:40,407 --> 00:19:43,205
I don't know
why you should have to put up with it
234
00:19:43,327 --> 00:19:45,795
Costa Rican or Columbian?
235
00:19:45,887 --> 00:19:48,481
-What do you mean?
-Columbian
236
00:19:48,967 --> 00:19:53,722
Well, 35 years saddled to that
237
00:19:55,207 --> 00:19:58,722
He always reminds me of
one of those psychopathic killers
238
00:19:58,807 --> 00:20:00,877
in the Chamber of Horrors
239
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:03,276
Is it the Brides in the Bath chap?
240
00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:08,122
Mind you, married to him, most women
would be leaping head first into the acid
241
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:13,644
How you've stuck it all these years,
I find quite astonishing
242
00:20:13,727 --> 00:20:15,046
Someone
243
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:18,047
as warm and sensitive
244
00:20:20,327 --> 00:20:24,240
It's never too late, Margaret,
even at our time of life,
245
00:20:24,327 --> 00:20:25,999
to change direction
246
00:20:43,247 --> 00:20:44,919
What was that for?
247
00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:48,840
Just kissing you goodbye, Ben
248
00:20:48,927 --> 00:20:50,519
What do you mean?
249
00:20:50,607 --> 00:20:53,280
It's like Christmas presents, isn't it?
250
00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:59,080
They always look so exciting and full of promise
sitting there under the Christmas tree
251
00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:02,477
And then once you've opened them,
all the mystery's gone
252
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:06,003
Be much better to leave them as they are
with their wrapping paper on
253
00:21:06,087 --> 00:21:08,760
That way you'll never be disappointed
254
00:21:09,247 --> 00:21:12,444
And I think we should leave
our wrapping paper on
255
00:21:13,327 --> 00:21:16,524
Because one of us is going to end up
being cruelly rejected
256
00:21:16,607 --> 00:21:18,802
and I couldn't bear that to happen
257
00:21:18,887 --> 00:21:20,479
But how can you say that?
258
00:21:20,567 --> 00:21:23,161
If you don't reject me, I would never reject you
259
00:21:24,207 --> 00:21:26,516
I meant one of the three of us
260
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:31,803
You talk about being sensitive
I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble
261
00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:35,923
He's the most sensitive person I've ever met
262
00:21:36,647 --> 00:21:38,603
and that's why I love him,
263
00:21:38,687 --> 00:21:42,362
and why I constantly want to ram his head
through a television screen
264
00:21:44,127 --> 00:21:47,358
I've had a lovely time tonight, Ben,
and now I'm going
265
00:21:47,447 --> 00:21:48,846
-Margaret, you
-Oh
266
00:21:48,927 --> 00:21:52,602
Do you know what's actually worse
than warm champagne?
267
00:21:52,847 --> 00:21:53,916
No
268
00:21:54,967 --> 00:21:56,320
No
269
00:21:56,407 --> 00:21:58,557
I really don't think you do
270
00:22:09,607 --> 00:22:11,518
(DOORBELL RINGING)
271
00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:17,159
(VICTOR GROANING)
272
00:22:17,247 --> 00:22:20,239
Who the hell is that at this hour?
273
00:22:21,327 --> 00:22:23,238
All right I'll go
274
00:22:46,807 --> 00:22:50,482
VICTOR: All right, all right, all right
Keep your shirt on
275
00:22:55,487 --> 00:22:58,445
What were you doing leaving the catch on?
276
00:22:58,847 --> 00:23:01,361
How do you expect me to get back in?
277
00:23:05,327 --> 00:23:06,965
(STAMMERING)
278
00:23:08,807 --> 00:23:10,957
Sorry I'm later than I said
279
00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:23,641
I suppose you were starting
to worry where I'd got to Well
280
00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:30,524
it's a bit of a story
and I might as well come clean and tell you
281
00:23:30,607 --> 00:23:32,279
(TOILET FLUSHING)
282
00:24:13,927 --> 00:24:16,566
Who is she?
283
00:24:19,247 --> 00:24:21,681
(STAMMERING)
284
00:24:23,767 --> 00:24:25,997
Have you Have you been
285
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:31,159
You haven't been sleeping with this? Who is she?
286
00:24:32,607 --> 00:24:35,246
I thought it was you
287
00:24:38,567 --> 00:24:40,797
Thank you very much
288
00:24:44,447 --> 00:24:46,199
Where did she come from?
289
00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:50,838
And what on earth is she doing?
And why the bloody hell am I whispering?
290
00:24:51,047 --> 00:24:52,844
This is my bedroom
291
00:24:52,927 --> 00:24:55,487
I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?
292
00:24:55,567 --> 00:24:59,321
To come home and find your husband
has taken up necrophilia
293
00:25:02,247 --> 00:25:07,401
Excuse me!
Do you mind if I ask what you're doing here?
294
00:25:08,287 --> 00:25:09,879
(SCREAMING)
295
00:25:10,487 --> 00:25:15,880
My God, no, no, no It's all right
Calm down No one's going to harm you
296
00:25:15,967 --> 00:25:17,480
(SHRIEKING)
297
00:25:18,527 --> 00:25:20,324
It's all right It's all
298
00:25:20,407 --> 00:25:21,886
(SHRIEKING)
299
00:25:22,247 --> 00:25:24,397
PATRICK: Oh, my God
300
00:25:24,967 --> 00:25:28,846
-This is absolutely macabre
-PIPPA: What is?
301
00:25:29,847 --> 00:25:32,600
It's hard to make out exactly without my lenses,
302
00:25:32,687 --> 00:25:37,317
but there appears to be some sort of wild creature
crawling out onto that lamppost
303
00:25:37,567 --> 00:25:40,001
It's all wrinkled and horrible
304
00:25:41,247 --> 00:25:43,442
Like something out of that Ken Russell movie
305
00:25:43,527 --> 00:25:45,597
The Lair of the White Worm.
306
00:25:46,047 --> 00:25:47,799
I need a tissue
307
00:25:48,127 --> 00:25:50,766
Oh, hang on Meldrew's come to the window now
308
00:25:51,087 --> 00:25:54,124
I think he's trying to coax it back in with a biscuit
309
00:25:55,927 --> 00:25:58,680
My God, I've a shrewd idea it's a woman
310
00:25:59,687 --> 00:26:02,599
What is this, Patrick?
311
00:26:04,167 --> 00:26:06,840
You've had this all along, haven't you?
312
00:26:07,287 --> 00:26:11,724
You've deliberately made him keep searching
through all those disgusting
313
00:26:12,367 --> 00:26:14,323
I don't believe you
314
00:26:14,887 --> 00:26:16,878
How long has this been in here?
315
00:26:20,127 --> 00:26:23,802
He coughed it up Um, it must have been
316
00:26:24,487 --> 00:26:27,797
few minutes after he swallowed it and I just
317
00:26:30,487 --> 00:26:32,637
I was going to give it back
318
00:26:34,127 --> 00:26:35,480
eventually
319
00:26:37,447 --> 00:26:39,597
So there we are
320
00:26:39,927 --> 00:26:43,476
I'm sorry about all the to-do over it,
321
00:26:43,567 --> 00:26:46,400
-but dogs will be dogs, I suppose
-Yeah
322
00:26:46,647 --> 00:26:49,605
Well, thank you That's just the job, isn't it?
323
00:26:51,687 --> 00:26:54,247
That was kind of Patrick, wasn't it?
324
00:26:54,487 --> 00:26:58,446
To get it back for you
and clean it up and everything
325
00:26:59,527 --> 00:27:00,676
Hmm?
326
00:27:02,447 --> 00:27:03,721
Oh, yes
327
00:27:05,007 --> 00:27:06,759
Thank you very much
328
00:27:15,127 --> 00:27:18,085
-So all's well again, I hope
-I hope so
329
00:27:18,167 --> 00:27:19,759
Oh, your letter
330
00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:23,078
I've only just printed it up
so I haven't had time to check it through,
331
00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:26,398
-but I don't think there'll be any mistakes
-Thanks very much
332
00:27:26,487 --> 00:27:29,285
-Thanks very much for the coffee
-Oh, our pleasure
333
00:27:29,367 --> 00:27:31,403
-Bye then
-Bye-bye, Pippa
334
00:27:32,167 --> 00:27:33,680
Yes, thank you
335
00:27:38,607 --> 00:27:40,723
Well, that seemed to go quite well
336
00:27:40,807 --> 00:27:44,766
Perhaps now at last
we can resume normal neighbourly relations
337
00:27:44,847 --> 00:27:45,962
Hmm
338
00:27:46,487 --> 00:27:48,637
What was that letter
you said you typed up for him?
339
00:27:48,727 --> 00:27:50,877
Oh, just a letter to the dairy
340
00:27:50,967 --> 00:27:54,960
About compensation for that milk tanker
going into his lamppost
341
00:27:55,047 --> 00:27:58,722
It was only a couple of pages
You didn't mind, did you?
342
00:27:59,807 --> 00:28:01,160
Dairy?
343
00:28:02,727 --> 00:28:04,206
Oh, my God, no
344
00:28:05,847 --> 00:28:09,044
You didn't name the file ''Dairy''?
345
00:28:09,567 --> 00:28:15,358
Why? What was wrong with that?
What's the matter now? What's happened?
346
00:28:17,407 --> 00:28:18,681
Oh, no
347
00:28:19,407 --> 00:28:20,681
I didn't
348
00:28:22,127 --> 00:28:24,163
I'm rather afraid you did
349
00:28:29,847 --> 00:28:32,839
# They say I might as well face the truth
350
00:28:33,087 --> 00:28:36,284
# That I am just too long in the tooth
351
00:28:36,527 --> 00:28:39,644
# I've started to deteriorate
352
00:28:40,047 --> 00:28:43,323
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
353
00:28:43,487 --> 00:28:46,479
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
354
00:28:47,087 --> 00:28:49,999
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
355
00:28:50,527 --> 00:28:53,644
#And my old knees have started to knock
356
00:28:54,007 --> 00:28:57,124
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
357
00:28:57,487 --> 00:29:01,275
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
358
00:29:01,367 --> 00:29:04,803
# It's true that my body has seen better days
359
00:29:04,887 --> 00:29:08,675
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
360
00:29:08,767 --> 00:29:11,122
# One foot in the grave
361
00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:14,761
# One foot in the grave
362
00:29:15,807 --> 00:29:18,446
# One foot in the grave #
28885
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