All language subtitles for Olsen Banden på de bonede gulve.2010.ENG

NORDISK FILM PRODUCTION PRESENTS

AN A. FILM CO-PRODUCTION

DANISH EXPORT MUSEUM

Bloody nice, Egon!

In 9.5 seconds
the backup generator will start.

Bloody clever.
- Hans Christian Andersen?

Benny! You have the oven mitt?
- Sure.

Three, two, one.

That's bloody beautiful, Egon!

Talc.
- Yes.

Rubber gloves.

Stethoscope.

Gentlemen,
allow me to present...

...the pen Hans Christian Andersen
used when he wrote his fairy tales -

and put crosses
in his diary.

It must be his newest fairy tales.

No! I don't believe my eyes.
It can't be true.

It has to be there! No!

Jesus Christ, Egon.
Did they screw you over once again?

We have to run.

Hallandsen said
it would be there.

Wait for me!

Come on, Benny.

Stop in the name of the law
or we'll set the dogs on you.

Okay, we don't have a dog right now,
but we've got plenty of tear gas.

Mr Hallandsen, was it really
necessary to sacrifice Egon Olsen?

Of course. As long as the police
have a villain in their custody, -

nobody will suspect
that we have... this one.

So now the big weapon deal
can finally go through.

Off you go.

THE OLSEN GANG
GETS POLISHED

Officers want higher wages!
We demand fewer prisoners!

We demand fewer prisoners!
We demand fewer prisoners!

Isn't he out earlier than expected?

They cut the budget. They didn't have
room for more prisoners.

Hey! Freedom!

There he is.
Oh, Egon. Wonderful.

Hurry up. You know how much
it means to him that we welcome him.

Hi, Egon. How are you?
- A heartfelt welcome home.

Or out, welcome out.
- Here you are.

There's no time to waste.
Let's get going.

Don't worry. It always starts.

Cars and women, you know? They have
to moan a bit before they get going.

Yes! It starts every time.

Listen to the motor purring.
It's just been fixed.

If it's been fixed,
then the mechanics need glasses.

They're bloody great guys. They want
to help us with our next job.

I owe them a bit of money.
- No way!

I don't want
any mechanics in my jobs.

I just thought we could do with
some tough guys.

People always screw you over.
- Shut up! My plan was perfect.

It was all Hallandsen's fault.
- Yes, it was a really good plan.

But can't we just steal real money
from honest people from now on?

We have to get
Hans Christian Andersen's pen.

I'll show Hallandsen that he can't
take Egon Olsen for a ride.

It can't be possible.
Who? No.

Officer Holm at your service.
- What's going on?

Due to the new police reforms, I've
been transferred to your department.

I see. You must be
a very unpopular man.

I've earned a lot of medals.

Zero tolerance
in N�rrebro and Christiania.

Zero tolerance? They should give
my wife such a medal.

But well... that's the way it goes.

One day you're in her good books.
- Next day you're in the doghouse.

God, no.
The doghouse is next door.

This is the Department
for Trivialities. Welcome.

Can I tempt you with a newly
confiscated Polish can of beer?

I want to investigate the theft
of Hans Christian Andersen's pen.

For God's sake, no!
Nobody wants that case solved.

It's politics on the highest level.
It's a question of national security.

What do you mean?

You've heard that the military
want new fighters?

Yes, the American F-22 Raptor.
- Oh no.

They are way too expensive.
They'll buy the Chinese F-22 Panda.

Because of free trade zones and child
labour, they can make a good copy.

And what has that
got to do with the pen?

China's President comes
to sign the weapon deal.

He's a fan of
Hans Christian Andersen.

So the government
is behind the robbery?

That would be illegal.
But if there were a scapegoat, -

the pen could disappear
out of the country.

I thought it was Egon Olsen's work.
- Right! Egon Olsen.

An habitual criminal.
The perfect scapegoat.

So what are we to do?
- Nothing!

Some crimes are so big
that they shouldn't be solved.

Cheers, young man.

Look out!

Hallandsen needs the pen
for a big weapon deal with China.

The Chinese President will be
presented with this diplomatic gift -

at 16.30.

We'll snatch it beforehand.
- Where?

In the high security part of the
Parliament. The Ministry of State.

It sounds dangerous.
- It is. But I have a plan.

Bloody nice, Egon!

We need honey.
- Are you drinking again?

You have to vacuum the bedroom.
- Egon just got out.

We usually sit and...
- The estate agent's coming by.

So the apartment should look nice.
- Why do you need an estate agent?

I'm terminating the lease.
I'm keeping open house.

Dear Yvonne, you can't do that.
- I can and I will.

This neighbourhood
is full of criminals.

Egon, you don't care.
You're always in prison.

The rest of us have to live with
slum, decay and increasing rent.

My sister doesn't pay rent now.
She's bought her own flat.

So she's got property, an open
kitchen and no repayment loans.

And I've got a running toilet
and a man with bad hygiene -

who dresses like a tramp.

Damn it, Yvonne.
If you're terminating the lease -

where are we to...
I mean, where are you to stay?

I don't know what we can afford.
Ask Egon.

Me?
- Yes, I expect you have a plan.

Of course.

How many million will it be
this time?

30 million.
- It's not a lot nowadays.

But I guess it'll buy you a flat.
Please continue.

Remember to vacuum the bedroom.
- Of course. Will do.

Right. We need a jar of honey,
a clothes peg, wasps, -

a drill, a bottle of prune juice,
a summer hat -

and a bunch of dead rats.

Bloody clever, Egon.
- The job starts at 15.52.

Let's get going.

ORGANIC SUPERMARKET

Have a nice day.
- Now we have the prune juice.

Then we just need some dead rats
and a drill.

My mechanic has
all sorts of cool tools.

Where the hell do you get
dead rats?

Do you dye your eyelashes?

It says that men
can easily wear make-up.

You have to use perfume
against BO. Do I smell bad?

Get lost!
- It's very confusing.

First you had to cook and clean.

Now you also have to be sexy.

What's that magazine?
- Be honest with me.

Do you think I'm sexy?
- Stop it.

There's a few extra pounds,
but they're placed well, aren't they?

They're not at all in place.
They're blubbering about.

Look!
- No! Please leave me be.

No, look over there. There are plenty
of dead rats at Wonder Burger.

I've seen it.
- Then you take care of the rodents.

I'll get hold of a drill.

Scram.
I was here first.

I beg your pardon.
- Damn punks.

What's happening out there?
What's that noise?

Hey, old man! What the fuck
are you doing? Bloody fool.

ALLAN'S AUTO FIX

throw them guns in the air
go bang bang

shoot 'em off
'till they go bang bang

throw the guns in the air
like you just don't care

Hey, my drill.

Johnny, stop him.

I'm on it, homeboy.
Gotcha, mofo.

I thought we had a deal.
- You're fucking whack, dawg!

What are you talking about?
- We were to get in on the job.

Egon wanted to keep it simple.
And we didn't get anything.

That's not what it says here.

Don't believe everything
you read in the papers.

You're dissing us, player. I'll drill
a fucking hole in your brain.

Easy now. If it's money you want,
it's money you'll get.

I know the feather's worth 30
millions. You get me 5 millions.

Then we're even.
Right, Benny?

Or else I'll bust a fucking cap
in your ass, man!

Affirmative, homeboy?

Sure.
Here's 20,000 for starters.

Then I'll nip home and get
the rest of the money. Bye.

See ya, bro.

Be careful you don't go off.

Because you guys are the bomb.

Watch and learn, my brother.
- Fucking A!

Now, where's my drill?
- Yo, homie.

Check this out.
He's fucking with us, bro.

It doesn't look like much.
- No, but it's incredibly valuable.

Just look at this. 30 million
Danish kroner from the insurance.

But we promised Egon Olsen
the money for his... services.

I've got a better idea. We buy shares
in the Chinese airplane factory.

Then when Denmark buys the
new fighters, we'll make a fortune.

But that's corrupt.
- No, no.

Only if it's discovered.
Otherwise it's good entrepreneurship.

I've got a friend in the Treasury
who can convert it into used notes.

Discreet and anonymous.

What about Egon Olsen?
- He's just a common criminal.

Who thinks of him? You, on the
other hand, are a popular leader.

An advocate for democracy. Don't you
deserve to be properly rewarded?

I have my wages
and my pension.

With your own new tax regulations,
there won't be much left.

Don't you deserve to enjoy your
old age in beautiful surroundings?

I've got a big mansion
with a view of the sea.

But it's a small sea.
You deserve a view over a big sea.

In France.
- I don't like the French.

I certainly won't swim with them.
- Fine. We'll let it drop.

I say we were behind the robbery.

We pay back the money
and deal with the scandal.

No, wait.
I guess your plan's better.

As you wish, Prime Minister.
You should have what you want.

If you pick up the Chinese,
I'll stay here and guard the pen.

Kjeld, don't you have to...
Oh! Excuse me.

You're definitely not Kjeld.
- Hello.

Or as we say in my trade:
Hello in your real estate.

Here's my card.
- Very fancy!

This is Jeppesen's
from Jutland.

Initially, we wanted to move to
Frederiksberg or �sterbro.

Frederiksberg is for old people.
�sterbro's so last season.

Look at this luxury apartment -

in the heart of the hip,
happening Valby.

Close to the new metro.

There's a bit of traffic noise,
but everything's in great condition.

Except for the roof.

The bedroom is flooded when it rains,
but you can just...

Then there's all the charming,
rustic details.

The electricity seems
to be unauthorized. Don't you agree?

Nonsense.
We've fixed it ourselves.

I don't want to lie to you.
It really needs a loving hand.

But a strong man like you -

can just roll up your sleeves
and be handy.

I guess so.

It's a quiet neighbourhood.
Perfect for a small family.

Also if you're planning on
little ones.

Well, you never know...

Here's Johnny!

Buyaka!

Where's Benny?
- Benny who?

Take it easy, love. Darling...
- How about a price reduction?

For fuck's sake!

You've got no business
sawing up people's doors!

Sorry, ma'am.
We're looking for Benny.

He went with Egon to the Ministry
in order to fetch a feather.

Kjeld!
What are you wearing?

It's something called
howte cotour.

Come on, man. You can't wear
something like that for a break in.

You sure can. It's the height
of fashion in Paris and Milan -

and all the other French cities.

We're on schedule. In an hour,
the Prime Minister will be back -

with the Chinese President.
We need to get the pen before that.

Do we just walk in?
- No, that's impossible.

Because of the state visit
there are extra guards at all doors.

I thought you looked suspicious!

Come with me now.
You shouldn't have done that.

So how do we get in?
- Through the Aquavit Assembly.

The Folketing's canteen. Friday
the kitchen gets deliveries at...

Benny, stop it.
- Of course. I'm on it.

Do you know where Frankrigsgade is?
- No idea.

Listen. Cross the bridge
and continue along Amagerbrogade.

After three minutes,
Frankrigsgade's on your left.

I'm not going to Frankrigsgade.
I'm just going through the gate.

Get out of my way.
- Why didn't you say so, mate?

Please drive.

Bloody clever!

Fresh deliveries!
Gather round.

During a state visit
it's important -

to cook the finest dishes
the national kitchen has to offer.

So today we're making
open-faced sandwiches.

For that we need pickled meat,
jellied gravy, onion rings and...

Dead rats!

Nobody touches the food until
the entire kitchen is disinfected!

We don't want a scandal
in the tabloids.

Anything but the tabloids!

Bloody clever, Egon!

I had explained to her
where the vacuum cleaner was.

Then I say...

Stop at once! Put the bucket down.
Hands up! Now!

Chill, homie.
We're just here to paint, man.

There's metal in that bucket.
- Yes. It's Chinese lead-based paint.

Young man, we have orders
not to do anything -

that might seem derogatory towards
the People's Republic of China.

And my own grandchildren
are naturally only allowed -

to play with Chinese toys
full of lead.

The police are guarding
all corridors.

We have to go through
the parties' offices.

Christiansborg is 100 years old.
There were no bloc politics.

All the offices are connected.
- Aren't they full of people?

Yes. We'll pass Red-Green Alliance,
DPP and the Social-Liberals.

All offices full of politicians.

The only thing that can empty
all offices at once is a vote.

And they'll have a vote today?
- No. But we'll make one. Follow me.

Kjeld, crawl into
the ventilation system.

Benny, give him a hand.

What about my jacket? It's a real
Yves Sanct Lawrents.

Hurry up, hippo.
- Okay, okay.

Right. We're going to the attic.

One, two, -

three, four, five...
Come on, Benny.

Coming.

Ouch! Bloody hell.

Damned bottle.
- 11, 12 and a half.

Here it is.

The drill.
- Yes. Here you are.

...as we saw with "Terkel in
Trouble". We'll set up a committee -

to examine the influence of Danish
animated film on language in schools.

According to my calculations,
we're right above the chairman.

He's the only one
who can call a vote.

In exactly 27 seconds,
Kjeld will -

let our small pets into the hall
through the ventilation system.

No!

Honey. Pipette.

Ten, nine, eight...

The Social People's Party
for a short comment.

The opposition can't possibly
support the government's proposal.

Danish People's Party
for a short comment.

...naturally Danish People's Party
will support the government.

The minister for a short comment.

We haven't proposed anything yet.
- But when you do, we'll support it.

As long as you tighten your policies
regarding foreigners.

VOTE

VOTE

There's a vote today?
- Apparently. We have to get down.

What are we voting on?
- Never mind. Just say no.

I'm feeling positive today.
I'll vote yes no matter what.

Now the parties' offices are empty.
- Bloody nice, Egon!

Wow, what happened to you?

Oh no, the fashionable blend of silk
and cashmere is dirty now.

When the minister asks what's for
supper, I answer "a sound beating".

Come on.

Those were the days.
- I can imagine.

We have to check
all corridors for suspect persons.

Of course.

What the hell?

Christ!

Kjeld, come on.

Here you are.

There.

So noisy.

The elected have a right to choose
their own music. That's democracy.

Now, that's what I call music.
Lovely!

I tend to agree.

Bloody nice, Egon!
- Come on. You can't rest all day.

Make a caff� latte at once.

Now they're at it again.
- It can't be good for them.

If the milk is too hot,
it'll taste burned.

Right. The Ministry of State
is behind this door. Come on.

Hurry up.

Give me the cup.
- Watch it, it's hot.

You could have tasted it first.
- There's no time for nonsense.

Hand me the prune juice.

And you know what to do?
- Yes, indeed. A bloody good laugh.

What do you want?

Hiya. Can I tempt you with
a cup of freshly brewed coffee?

No thanks.

It's a new blend
from Bollum Bondia.

It'll keep you awake forever.
- Okay, then. A quick cup.

Here you are, sir.

It tastes absolutely awful!
- I'll pass your opinion on.

A bloody good laugh!

In here!
- Both of us?

I thought only girls did that.
- Hurry up now.

That darned coffee.

Sorry. This booth is engaged.
- Shh!

Kjeld, the clothes peg.
- Yes.

Why only one clothes peg?

Bloody nice, Egon!
What's the matter, Kjeld?

No, it's nothing.

We've got 4 minutes and 36 seconds,
until he's back.

4 minutes and 15 seconds.
Hurry.

Now we've only got 3 minutes
and 55 seconds.

I've almost got it.

When does the President think
the fighters can be delivered?

What now? Oh...

But, Egon... Can we make it?
- Yes. Come on.

Oops!
- You again.

I'm so sorry.
- That's the last straw.

I'll see to it that you'll never work
in this city again.

That's only fair. I've never really
worked in this city.

Or any place else, for that matter.
You lost your keys, sir.

Job done.
- Right. Let's go home now.

Smile, Kjeld.
Nothing can go wrong now.

Surprise, motherfuckers.

Hi! Yo, man.

You've got something
that belongs to us.

Thank you for letting me borrow it.
- The drill you can keep.

But please hand over
Hans Christian Andersen's pen.

No way. It's mine.
- Not for much longer.

Johnny, will you?

Stop in the name of the law!
- And if the thief doesn't stop?

I'll fucking...
- No. Watch the feather.

All crooks obey when they hear
the voice of an experienced officer.

I still prefer tear gas
and my trusty service pistol.

Let's declare this floor
thoroughly checked.

I agree! There's nothing
suspicious to report.

Let's inform the minister -

that the building is approved
for the state visit.

Well, friends. About that pen.
- What?

What the hell, man?
Go get them, Johnny.

Come on, fatty.
- Easy now, I'm trying.

Where the hell are they?
- They're fucking gone.

Hurry! That way!

They're gone. We did it.
- Bloody nice!

Egon...

Hurry. Come on.
- Come on, Kjeld. Push!

We'll just take this one.

Yo!
It's a cookie pimped ride, homie.

Idiot. Push me!
- For shizzle, bro.

Tolerate, tole-9, tole-10...
- Stop at 8. It's a joke, you know.

Johnny, god damn it.
Come on! After them!

Give me the feather, retro gangsta.
- Rookie crook!

Retard!
- Boor!

I said: "Mrs Minister,
we don't need police reforms."

Canteen reforms will do.
- Well put!

A dessert now and then
would strengthen morale.

Egon.

Peekaboo!

You aim well,
but you don't hit.

...a vote and we, the opposition,
would have voted against it.

Give me that feather.

We, the government's loyal support,
naturally vote for the proposal.

But no proposal whatsoever
has been made!

Order!
There is no vote today.

Why don't you get it?

What the hell? Look!
Helle Thorning's naked.

I beg your pardon?

EMERGENCY BREAK

Let's take the stairs, shall we?

It stopped.

We bring greetings
from peace-loving China.

May a thousand suns shine upon you.
- Thank you.

Please accept this gift as a symbol
that the Danish government -

will never interfere in other
countries' approach to human rights.

This is the pen -

which our great national poet
wrote his timeless fairy tales with.

What does he say?

"It must be some of
Andersen's newest fairy tales."

It is that wretched Egon Olsen.
Excuse me, gentlemen.

That fucking Benny
pisses me off big time.

I swear,
I'll rip him to pieces. Kapow!

No, Johnny. You won't.
Benny doesn't matter.

Say what, homie?

We need to get hold of Egon Olsen.
He's the one who has the feather.

Excuse me, it sounds as if
we share the same interest.

May I propose a business deal?
- Who the fuck are you?

There you go, Egon.
- Do you have to do this?

Your face is covered in paint.
- Okay. Then continue.

Hello? How do you do, Mr Hallandsen?
Egon Olsen speaking.

I'm so sorry to hear
your guests were upset.

But you can have the pen. Meet me
at the closed pier in half an hour.

Come alone
and remember the money.

All of it.

Goodbye.
Or should I say: See you later.

Is he coming?
- Yes. The Chinese are furious.

If he doesn't give them the pen,
the weapon deal gets dropped.

Okay, now. Give it a rest.
- Okay.

But Egon,
you're very red in the face.

Come on, I'll make you a face mask
with yoghurt and oatmeal -

and cold-pressed grape seed oil.

How nice that you want to
look at the apartment again.

I told them they missed out on
some charming details.

For instance, the bathroom.

Isn't this just
a sight for sore eyes?

Torleif, I don't feel well.

Let's get you a glass of water.

Don't mind Benny. He's always here.
I don't know why.

Honey, honey...
- Wait.

The apartment has a lot to offer
that I haven't even shown you yet.

Let's get going.
- You have to fold the laundry.

And don't bring feathers in here. We
had enough when B�rge had a budgie.

It's Hans Christian Andersen's.
He wrote his fairy tales with this.

What's it doing here?
- Egon got it.

We'll give it to a politician,
who'll give it to the Chinese.

Then he gives us 30 million.
- That's out of the question.

The Chinese know nothing about fairy
tales. They don't understand Danish.

That pen has given us
so such joy and happy times.

"Hansel and Gretel", "Sleeping
Beauty", "Little Red Riding Hood."

When I think of all the times
I've read them to B�rge.

Some things
you have to hold on to.

All the little things
that make us Danish.

The cosiness, the meatballs, Kim
Larsen and our beloved fairy tales.

And then you come around and think
it's all about money.

I've had it. You go on and on
about needing money.

But when we get it,
you suddenly have principles.

Nitwits! Illiterates!
Bullies! Baristas!

Bleeding Social Democrats!

It's not fair of you
to take it like that.

It is, after all, our native land.
- Christ almighty!

You keep moaning about Denmark.

The weather and the taxes.

But when I want to sell a feather
to China, -

you're oh so Danish.

Well, when you put it like that...

Maybe it's okay
to sell that feather.

Right! Let's get going.

Drop me off here.
I'll walk the rest of the way.

Don't you think we should come?
- It's a lot of money.

In case they fuck with you again.
- Don't you get it?

Hallandsen humiliated me.

But Egon Olsen
isn't a small-time crook.

I can't show up
with two members of the mob.

No, okay.

Mob? Bless me.
I don't even own a scooter.

Mr Olsen,
I'm happy to see you.

Let's get these misunderstandings
out of the way.

You're the only one
who misunderstood.

You thought you could fool me,
but I proved you wrong.

Yes, it's regrettable.

Do you have the pen?
- Of course.

Give me your address.
My secretary will send you a check.

No, hand me the cash, please.
- I don't have that much money.

How about the 30 millions
in unmarked notes -

which you intended to
invest in Chinese weapons?

Oh!

Yes, that money.
You are certainly well informed.

It's in the trunk.
Excuse me while I...

Stop. I'm not falling for that.

Don't you think I know the trick
with a hidden gun in the boot?

Let me get it myself.

There's no fooling you.
- No, there isn't. Remember that.

Isn't it taking him too long?
- What do I know? I'm the mob.

Do you think anything has happened?
- He's counting unmarked notes.

It's hard to tell
what they're worth.

Let's check
that everything's fine.

Suit yourself.
I'll stay here.

Hey, Kjeld!
Wait for me.

You took care of that.
Well done, my boy.

And now let's talk money.

Not until
you've gotten rid of Mr Olsen.

You do it, Johnny.
- I thought you'd never ask.

Sayonara, suckers!

Stop, for God's sake! Stop it.
- What?

Blood and traces of Mr Olsen. That
kind of thing always gets discovered.

He has to disappear completely.
- How?

Without a trace.
I've got an idea.

Jesus Christ, the motherfuckers.
- They've got no right.

What do we do?
- We follow them.

Come on, Kjeld.
- Right.

Where the hell did they go?
- There they are.

What now?
- What the hell?

Where are they going?
- I've no idea.

SHOOTING MAY APPEAR

What the hell?

I don't like this.
We have to go home.

Yvonne is preparing coffee now.
- We can't just leave.

We have to save Egon.
- Yes... I guess you're right.

Welcome back, Olsen.

You're not cold, are you?
- A bit.

Luckily for you I have some lamps.
They're nice to have on a cold night.

Too cool for... Cowabunga!
- I don't understand.

The military
has bought a new fighter.

They're testing
the heat-seeking missiles.

Help!
- Shut up.

Shake the room boom
shake the room boom

Please accept this humble gift
from the Danish state.

And this is a little gift from me.
30 million Danish kroner.

And here are shares in The Heavenly
Peace Weapon Factory.

And now let's see
what our factory has produced.

Excellent.

What's that noise?
- It was probably just fireworks.

Jesus Christ, man!
It's Egon! Come on!

What about the mechanics?

They're not there.
Come on.

Their car's there.
They must be nearby.

Cut it out, Kjeld. Get going.

Hi, Egon.
- My good chap. Are you all right?

Oh, yes. Of course.
Let me.

About time.
- We came as fast as we could.

Christ almighty.
- We're doing our best.

Your best isn't good enough.
We have to get away right now.

What's up? Are you done now?
- Here you are. Come on, Kjeld.

Have a nice evening, Olsen.
- See ya, sucker.

I must say.
We'll have a good time with that.

And the heat-seeking missiles?
- They'll come later, sir.

I want them now!

The Chief of Defence would appreciate
a demonstration right this minute.

It's not fair. We slave away,
and all you do is yell at us.

And it happens every time.
- It's true, Egon.

You could thank us sometimes.
- And we obviously embarrass you.

I think he wants to say something.

Run!

Now let's go to Hallandsen
and get our money.

Money, money!
Yeah, yeah!

Bust a rap, homie.
Come on.

We want money,
so don't get funny...

...let's buy some honey.

You're fucking whack, bro!

Check out
what's in our hiney, homie.

Good God!
- Come on. There's no time to waste.

I've got a plan.
- I see.

I think we made it.
- Yeah, boy!

Bang, bang up in the air.

Fuck, man.

The train stopped because of
problems with the track.

Oh no! Not again!

Hurry. In one hour and 14 minutes,
the Chinese will visit the queen.

Afterwards they go to the airport
with the money and the pen.

We have to snatch both
before they leave the country.

Where will we snatch it?
- At Amalienborg castle.

Amalienborg is guarded
by heavily armed guardsmen.

We need an officer's uniform.

Where do we get a uniform
this time of night?

I think I've got something
we can use.

Why do I have to wear it?
- Yvonne made it for a carnival.

It was too tight for me even
back then. Besides, it suits you.

I look like an idiot.
- We'll have to make do with it.

The guard has orders to open fire
on any intruders at the gate.

It's your job to get them away
so that we can get in.

You're not the one dressed up like
an officer in front of 12 rifles.

Don't be such a baby. They haven't
used their rifles in years.

Only a few of them will hit you.
Come on.

Hiya! How about moving a bit
so that we can get past you?

No? Well, okay then...

Later!

I tried. It didn't work.
- No wonder. You're mumbling.

You have to give them orders.
Commands!

Show them
that you're in charge.

Okay, boys.
Work with me here.

Attention!

Order arms!

Left hand out!

Left hand in!

You put your left hand in.

And you shake it all about.

You do the hokey-cokey
and you turn around

that's what it's all about

Hey!
- Forward, march!

One, two, one, two,
left, right, cuckoo.

Where's he going?
- We can't wait for him.

The reception chambers are
at the end of this corridor.

Someone's coming.
Hide. Hurry.

Our Chinese guests
will be thrilled -

when they see my painting.

I hate them!

Don't sulk. Why do you detest
our small, yellow friends?

Because in China they eat dogs.
- Oh, well, you eat frogs.

We eat pork.
People have different tastes.

Bloody Chinks.
- Watch your language, Henri.

The coast is clear.

Help. Let me out, Egon.
Let me out.

Cute doggie.

You want this snack, but non.
This dog is not a buffet.

Honourable guests from China. The
Prince Consort and We are pleased -

that there is such a strong
friendship between our two nations.

Even though we're very different,
we still have a lot in common.

Hand me the toy car
and the sausage.

Just a moment.
- Bring them now!

I just have to...
- There's no time for this.

Hand me the stuff, fatty.
- What did you call me?

And be quick,
you chubby amateur.

That's it!
I won't take it anymore.

I slave away
to make everyone happy -

and all I get
is scorn and insults.

Be quiet.
- No! I won't be bullied anymore!

I demand an apology.
Right this instance!

Or you can do this alone.
- Okay, okay.

Okay what? Give it to me.
- I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?
- You're not chubby.

Your bones
are just very meaty.

That's better. Here you go.

I present the President with
this painting We made ourselves.

It symbolizes the warm feelings
we have for China.

No, little chap.

Oh no.

I feel faint.

She's overturned!
Get her up already!

My dear!
Mon petit sweetheart.

No, my boy.
Pork sausage, no go.

Your Majesty...

No. Tonight those shares aren't
worth the paper they're printed on.

Stop them! Stop them!
Stop the thieves!

Right.

Yo!

Good evening, gentlemen.
Dear friends.

I just wanted to
ask you for the pen.

But now I'm so sick of you
that I'll ask Johnny to do -

what he does best.
Cut people up into many pieces.

Afterwards I can take the pen.
- Right on!

Come on.
- Chill, homie. It's getting there.

Is there any gas in it?
- There's enough fucking gas in it.

How bloody annoying.
Try the choke.

Wax on, wax off.
See ya, suckers!

Hello, guys.
Say hi to my new friends.

You two are just the bomb.
You even smell like a bomb.

I'll fucking saw your brain...

All right.

Company,
ready to fire in...

It's time to split, man.
- Four, three, two...

Relax, boys.
I'm only kidding.

I'm bloody good at
this soldier hooey.

You have to see this.

Are you ready, boys?
Three, four.

Come on, Benny. We're leaving.
- All right. Bloody great routine.

One more time!

...a long line of
popular celebrities -

- who will entertain us tonight
in the final show.

It's the show with all the
celebrities you'd almost forgotten.

I don't watch that show.
- The anchor girl aced her rhumba.

But then her partner was voted out.

Now she can only win a makeover
if blue team loses the most weight.

It's very simple.
- I'll rather look out the window.

How can you sulk
when Denmark's favourite show is on?

Sorry, but I don't feel
particularly patriotic right now.

Why not?

Once my job was meaningful. When
I made a violent arrest of a minor, -

or shot down mental patients
in self-defence.

It was good fun, but I mostly did it
for my country. But now...

Now you've realized
we're governed by politicians -

who only want to
feather their own nest.

Take it from someone who's been
in this business for many years.

Life is full of disappointments.
You have to focus on the case.

Which case?
- Any case.

This one, for instance.
Vandalism at Wonder Burger.

They are entitled to protection.
- They're a multinational company.

Think of Denmark's reputation.

Let's see some near-celebrities
vote with their hearts.

Cheers!
You did a bloody nice job, Egon.

You weren't too bad, yourselves.
Thanks a lot for your help.

You're welcome, Egon.
We're always there for you.

What are you going to do
with Hans Christian Andersen's pen?

I'll give it to
The National Museum.

Anonymously, of course.

This important cultural treasure
doesn't belong to us.

It belongs to the Danes.

Nice to see someone's having fun.
- We're celebrating our success.

Well, now we have several million, -

but in times like these
there's more to life -

than floor heating
in brushed aluminium.

I think
I've got a pen to deliver.

Hello.

Are you still here? You should've
been out four hours ago.

Jesus!
We've got three month's notice.

You haven't read
the contract thoroughly.

It says in small print -

that you have three month's notice
unless the apartment's sold.

And the Jeppesen's have bought it.

You can't just kick us out.
- No, that's really bad manners.

Before it was the buyer's market,
now it's the estate agent's market.

I can do as I please.
- Let me tell you something.

We might not have
good style or good skin -

or even good taste,
but I've realized something.

Appearance can never replace
inner values.

You can keep your wavy hair
and your six-pack stomach.

We've got something much better:
We've got heart and soul.

Oh, Kjeld!
- Take that, perfume pansy!

Take good care of our flat.
It doesn't look like much, -

but every inch
is full of memories.

Here little B�rge
took his first faded steps.

And look, there's the police.

Let's go!

Look out!
It's tear gas!

We've got to get out of here.

We're going in.

Everybody down!

I want to go home.
- Little darling...

What a mess.

How dare you
ruin my nice windows?

Well, they're not mine anymore,
but I polished them.

It's 11.47, and you are under arrest
for vandalism against Wonder Burger.

Nonsense! I've never been to
that awful place.

And none of you use the doormat
before you barge in on people.

I beg your pardon.
- Come on.

There he is! It's Egon Olsen!
- Where?

Follow him!
- Yes, follow him.

No. I give up. I'll never find
someone who'll want this flat.

I'm through with Valby.
- Who gets to clean this up?

God almighty.

Gotcha, motherfucker.
- Put me down.

Shake the room, boom.

That feather is worth
a bleeding fortune.

Finally we can move to a nice
neighbourhood and get some respect.

I can't get my head round this.

I'll have diamonds on my teeth
and a stripper pole for my bitches.

And I want ho's.
- You'll get ho's. We're rich now.

We're fucked, homie.
- Bummer.

Snatched! In the name of the queen:
You're arrested.

Yes, Mrs Minister.
Thank you, Mrs Minister.

Goodbye, Mrs Minister.
- Who was it?

The Minister of Justice.
She praised my excellent work.

Egon Olsen is arrested and the pen's
in the custody of the authorities.

Didn't you say this was a case
that shouldn't be solved?

I never said that.
All crimes should be solved.

No matter what.

Let's go back to Jutland,
on familiar ground.

You were so happy about
moving to Copenhagen.

We have to accept
that we're not wealthy.

We can only afford rowdy districts.
So we'd better stay in Jutland.

I know, but...

Come here, honey.
I've got a handkerchief in my pocket.

What?
- What's wrong?

Maybe we can afford something
decent to live in after all.

Old banger.
This ride needs to be pimped.

Wait a minute.
Mr Detective Inspector?

What happened after that?
- I'll tell you.

Following the big weapon scandal
the military made do -

with the old fighters.

What happened to Hallandsen?
- He didn't fare very well.

He was sent to Greenland to measure
the dwindling inland ice.

He must be freezing.

And the Prime Minister fared worse?
- On the contrary.

Top politicians always go free. He's
now the War Minister of the World.

Sounds as if
it all went to his head.

It certainly did!
Just like the Prince Consort.

The Prince Consort
was third to the throne?

But he couldn't accept that.
He gave his place to his dog -

and was crowned
King of Denmark.

What about the Chinese President?
- He went back to China.

He married his assistant.
- How nice for them.

The citizens threw rice at them?
- Yes, all 1.3 billion citizens.

What happened to the Jeppesen's
from Jutland?

They bought a villa in Copenhagen
with a swimming pool and jacuzzi.

Mrs Jeppesen could now afford to
fulfill one of her husband's wishes.

They bought it from the realtor?
- Goodness, no!

The financial crisis squashed him.
His business collapsed.

He has a whole new career now.

Interesting! Because so have I.
I'm now a reality TV star.

What's your job description?

I appear in television shows
where I date girls.

Intriguing. And what does
it take to star in reality TV?

Absolutely nothing whatsoever!
- Congratulations.

In all modesty, my career is also
on the up. I've been promoted.

You deserve it.

I'm now responsible
for the nation's future.

I'll protect
the next generation of Danes.

Young people need role models.
Adults with good, healthy values.

Yes. They have to learn
that crime never pays.

THE END
Subtitles by: Malene Hollnagel
Scandinavian Text Service 2011