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This programme contains strong
language, scenes of nudity
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00:00:04,488 --> 00:00:06,393
and discussions and images
of a sexual nature
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My nub. Er... It doesn't have a
name. Could be cock. Cock. Cock.
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00:00:09,008 --> 00:00:12,903
Cock. Can't remember what I call them on Grindr.
Probably penis. Maybe dick. Probably just click.
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00:00:12,928 --> 00:00:15,263
My dick. My dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.
It's mainly click.
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The one that weirds me out the most
is willy, over the age of childhood.
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There's not many hot, sexy words
for penis.
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You've got this squishy piece of
meat between your legs,
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00:00:34,338 --> 00:00:38,672
and it's the centre of pleasure and
it's this symbol of masculinity
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00:00:38,697 --> 00:00:40,573
and of who you are as a man.
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There's all these attachments
of power, of insecurity.
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And it's physically right
at the centre of you
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and, in so many ways, at the centre
of who you are as a man.
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It's a lot for this little squishy
thing.
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Well, for this squishy thing.
HE LAUGHS
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00:00:56,888 --> 00:00:59,393
Every penis is different and not
all penises are straight.
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Some of them bend, some them tilt
upwards,
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some of them are kind of thick at
one end.
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Like, they're all very different.
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It's quite fun to kind of make it
do the helicopter thing.
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I'm yet to take off,
but it kind of...
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Having a nub at times can be
annoying.
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I'm always crossing my legs cos
it's comfortable,
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and I always think,
"Where do I put my dick?"
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Underneath or do I put it on top?
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I find that it has got
a mind of its own.
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It'll be awake when I'm tired,
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it'll be awake all the time
practically.
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I actually think that my dick is
boss.
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You know, clays where I need to get
stuff done
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and I'm just, like, so
horny I can't concentrate.
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I actually think my dick is in
control.
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My name's Ajamu and I'm an artist.
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I grew up in Huddersfield,
surrounded by a macho culture.
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I was all set for a career
in the army.
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But by 21, I had other plans.
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00:02:02,577 --> 00:02:06,313
I became passionate about
photography,
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00:02:06,338 --> 00:02:08,302
and that was my way out.
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I wanted to fuck with the rules.
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And create images of men I hadn't
seen before.
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20 years ago, the police stopped
this image being shown
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in a public gallery.
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It was considered too explicit.
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And I don't think we've moved on
enough since then.
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Penises are still taboo,
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and I want to change that.
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Hold it right there, do not move.
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Just close your eyes
for me on this one.
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In this film, men will talk
openly about their penises
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and how it makes them feel about
being a man.
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And I will be photographing
some of them
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as they confront their own
masculinity.
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HE SCREAMS
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Through the portraits I will make,
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I want them to rethink the way they
see their penises and themselves.
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It feels powerful to be stood here
nude, naked,
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and I'm owning it.
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And challenge the taboo we still
feel
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00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:11,343
around the beauty and power of
the erection.
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00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:22,663
I don't think there's a bloke out
there who hasn't sneaked a look,
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00:03:22,688 --> 00:03:25,223
but you can't ever be caught
looking. That's not good, that.
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Everyone can see what's going on
down there,
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even if you don't directly look.
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00:03:28,608 --> 00:03:30,863
I think boys are obsessed about size
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and who's got the biggest penis.
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I don't know if you can ever be
truly happy
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with the size of your dick,
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I feel like you want it to
be a bit bigger.
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00:03:39,327 --> 00:03:41,863
I used to worry about it
when I was a teenager,
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cos everyone lies about
the size of their click.
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I'd be like, "Maybe mine's
tiny, oh, my God."
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I think it's difficult if you're a
straight man,
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when you only ever
see other people's flaccid penises,
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because that's not when everyone's
at their best!
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And actually, even when it's sort
of flaccid,
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it can sometimes be smaller or
larger,
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depending, I suppose, on maybe
atmospheric pressure
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or just... vibes.
79
00:04:01,248 --> 00:04:03,583
It's weird how weird we are about
them,
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00:04:03,608 --> 00:04:05,943
cos you can't get mad about
your nose.
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00:04:05,968 --> 00:04:09,752
Cos I think so much of our
self—worth is based around that.
82
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Like, if somebody's acting out, you'll
be like, "Aw, he's got a tiny penis."
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It's like, "Has he? Or is he just a
dickhead?"
84
00:04:15,808 --> 00:04:17,632
At school, some people would get
bullied for,
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"Aw, he's got a little dick,"
or "He's got a small dick,"
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00:04:20,577 --> 00:04:24,273
even if no-one had seen it, it was just a
really powerful way of emasculating someone.
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I think you then carry that into
your adulthood,
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and you're still weighing yourself up
against people for ridiculous reasons.
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I can't understand people who aren't fine
about the size of their penis, for God's sake.
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I was born with a penis and that's
it. Done.
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I think the first time I
masturbated,
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I was probably around
the age of about eight.
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I was... ten. 11, 12?
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I reckon I was about 15.
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11, or so?
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I was three years old.
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Obviously not much happened.
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I found some pornography.
I don't know whose it was,
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it was stashed in a bush and in my
head I remember it being French.
100
00:05:05,378 --> 00:05:08,143
I don't know how French
pornography's ended up in a town,
101
00:05:08,168 --> 00:05:10,863
a park bush in Telford, but...
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And it was a brunette woman and she
was sitting on a dildo.
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And that was, like, a go-to thing
for years.
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It's, like, imprinted into my
mind's eye now.
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I remember it very well,
cos I drew blood.
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I kind of hit it.
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Just hit it from side to side and
it felt really nice after a while,
108
00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,713
and I thought that's how you did it
for so long.
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I came for the first time,
although nothing came out.
110
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And I actually thought my dick was
on fire or burning,
111
00:05:39,657 --> 00:05:42,432
and I remember running out of my
bedroom, running down the hall,
112
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and running into the bathroom with
my dick hanging out
113
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and putting it in the sink
and running a cold tap on it.
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I just remember this experience
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00:05:49,248 --> 00:05:51,552
of this adrenaline pumping
round my body,
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and I couldn't get enough of it.
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It sent tingles through my body
and down my leg and everything.
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I remember talking to
a friend and going,
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"If everybody masturbates, why
don't we just talk about it?"
120
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,223
And he went, "Sh! Don't say that!"
121
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I got really into it for a while.
Way too into it.
122
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I must have wanked 15, 16 times...
123
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Nothing else enters your mind.
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I didn't stop at one,
I think I did it a few times.
125
00:06:11,178 --> 00:06:13,993
Had to double-check, triple—check
that it wasn't a fucking one—off.
126
00:06:16,098 --> 00:06:18,432
Grew up in quite a religious
household.
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I first masturbated probably when I
was about maybe 11 or so.
128
00:06:22,968 --> 00:06:26,743
And for years, masturbation, for me,
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00:06:26,768 --> 00:06:30,432
felt like something that was wrong.
130
00:06:33,298 --> 00:06:37,273
I grew up in quite a conservative
Muslim family in Bradford.
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00:06:37,298 --> 00:06:40,073
We went on pilgrimage and we were
taken to mosque
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00:06:40,098 --> 00:06:42,823
to learn to read Arabic
and learn to read the Koran.
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00:06:42,848 --> 00:06:45,583
That's shaped so much of who I am
now,
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00:06:45,608 --> 00:06:48,073
and how I live my day-to-day life.
135
00:06:50,378 --> 00:06:52,873
Within my family,
sex just did not exist.
136
00:06:52,898 --> 00:06:56,463
The closest I ever had was,
like, a small handbook
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I got given by my mum_
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00:06:58,298 --> 00:07:02,993
It was A Young Muslim's Guide To
Puberty, or something.
139
00:07:03,018 --> 00:07:05,302
And in there it was like, um,
140
00:07:05,327 --> 00:07:08,382
something about masturbation
and going to hell.
141
00:07:08,407 --> 00:07:13,583
So obviously when I was 13, 14, 15,
and super randy,
142
00:07:13,608 --> 00:07:15,382
that became an issue.
143
00:07:15,407 --> 00:07:18,273
So to stop myself from ejaculating —
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00:07:18,298 --> 00:07:21,073
which would, in my mind,
kind of complete the wank,
145
00:07:21,098 --> 00:07:23,382
and make it then like
a full—blown sin —
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00:07:23,407 --> 00:07:25,153
I'd grip my penis really hard,
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00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:28,382
or just physically try and stop
myself from ejaculating.
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00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:33,663
Um... which led to kind of physical
scarring, physical damage.
149
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I have a lot of negative
associations with it now,
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so it's a tricky thing.
151
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What should just be pleasurable,
what should just be so simple,
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and then sometimes
there's still that guilt,
153
00:07:44,618 --> 00:07:48,463
or sometimes I hate how
my dick looks,
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00:07:48,488 --> 00:07:52,432
or I don't want to touch it,
or I don't like any of this,
155
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so to masturbate would be
to engage with that stuff.
156
00:07:57,488 --> 00:07:58,953
How are you feeling?
157
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,953
It's all laid bare, isn't it?
There's nothing I can hide behind.
158
00:08:01,978 --> 00:08:06,273
No clothes, no airs and graces,
it's just me and my body.
159
00:08:08,298 --> 00:08:10,023
Bring this hand...
160
00:08:10,048 --> 00:08:12,873
Keep that there, bring this hand
around your face that way.
161
00:08:12,898 --> 00:08:14,382
Right, yeah.
162
00:08:14,407 --> 00:08:18,743
And then this pose comes out of,
like, Greek bodies.
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00:08:18,768 --> 00:08:20,312
So then what you're doing now
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00:08:20,337 --> 00:08:23,353
is to queer that thing that you're
used to, yeah?
165
00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:27,743
Mm-hm. Now we'll turn your face
back that way again.
166
00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:29,512
That's it.
So I'm half—vogueing, half...
167
00:08:29,537 --> 00:08:31,382
OK, got it.
168
00:08:31,407 --> 00:08:33,273
AjUMA CLICKS FINGERS
Go on.
169
00:08:34,378 --> 00:08:35,953
Yeah, that's it.
170
00:08:35,978 --> 00:08:39,103
So then this is where we're going to
start playing around now, yeah?
171
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And look straight towards my camera.
172
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Beautiful.
173
00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:52,463
Beautiful.
174
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:54,182
Feeling strangely quite powerful.
Like, it's...
175
00:08:54,207 --> 00:08:55,512
...weird, it's nice.
176
00:08:55,537 --> 00:08:58,953
Weird and nice is a... is a good
mix. Yeah.
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00:09:00,898 --> 00:09:02,713
HE LAUGHS
178
00:09:02,738 --> 00:09:04,432
Gosh, that's my body. That's me!
179
00:09:04,457 --> 00:09:05,873
That's your body.
180
00:09:06,848 --> 00:09:09,353
My biggest fear is my own body,
181
00:09:09,378 --> 00:09:12,153
and how I feel about it,
and here I am...
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...very naked, in front of people.
183
00:09:15,178 --> 00:09:17,432
HE LAUGHS
184
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:18,993
It doesn't get much scarier for me.
185
00:09:29,898 --> 00:09:31,843
I take portraits of dicks
186
00:09:31,868 --> 00:09:34,743
because dicks have their own stories
to tell,
187
00:09:34,768 --> 00:09:37,022
but are still censored.
188
00:09:38,408 --> 00:09:39,793
Lots of countries actually
189
00:09:39,818 --> 00:09:45,383
celebrate the penis in terms
of its fertility, aliveness,
190
00:09:45,408 --> 00:09:49,743
and in this country, the dick
is still seen as pornographic
191
00:09:49,768 --> 00:09:52,022
and my work is there to reclaim
192
00:09:52,047 --> 00:09:53,743
the dick from that space.
193
00:09:56,588 --> 00:10:01,953
By keeping the erection so taboo,
we don't allow men to be vulnerable.
194
00:10:01,978 --> 00:10:04,873
I personally think it's really
important for us to, like, just see
195
00:10:04,898 --> 00:10:08,203
more erect penises in our lives, not
for a sex thing, just to normalize
196
00:10:08,228 --> 00:10:11,232
and to make them less panicky,
because I think if you're a straight
197
00:10:11,257 --> 00:10:13,663
man specifically, you don't see
enough of them.
198
00:10:13,688 --> 00:10:15,022
Hold it right there.
199
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:16,913
I don't know why,
in society, we seem
200
00:10:16,938 --> 00:10:19,203
to have shamed the erection.
201
00:10:19,228 --> 00:10:21,232
It doesn't make much sense to me.
202
00:10:21,257 --> 00:10:23,593
We're prudes, I think, in Britain.
203
00:10:25,018 --> 00:10:27,463
Without an erect penis,
we wouldn't have life.
204
00:10:27,488 --> 00:10:30,463
There is a certain power to it,
but it's a power that isn't
205
00:10:30,488 --> 00:10:33,272
just, like, uh, physical power,
206
00:10:33,297 --> 00:10:35,563
it's also, it's...
It's all connected.
207
00:10:36,297 --> 00:10:38,953
It's strong, it is being masculine.
208
00:10:38,978 --> 00:10:42,482
Same pose, and throw your head
back slightly.
209
00:10:42,507 --> 00:10:45,383
It is a physical manifestation,
they're quite aggressive, cos, like,
210
00:10:45,408 --> 00:10:47,352
they're big and they're hard
and they're angry.
211
00:10:47,377 --> 00:10:50,383
But I think it's also a sort
of tie between the sexual act
212
00:10:50,408 --> 00:10:52,102
in that that becomes quite
aggressive,
213
00:10:52,127 --> 00:10:57,282
and it's a... It can be, er... kind
of physically intimidating.
214
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,923
How are you feeling?
215
00:11:00,948 --> 00:11:02,463
Serene.
216
00:11:02,488 --> 00:11:04,282
I think hiding the male erection
217
00:11:04,307 --> 00:11:06,073
and making it this taboo thing
218
00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:07,843
gives it more power...
219
00:11:09,057 --> 00:11:11,643
...than maybe it deserves
because it's pretty ordinary.
220
00:11:12,898 --> 00:11:14,183
Actually.
221
00:11:16,488 --> 00:11:19,433
I'm really excited about
doing this next shot.
222
00:11:19,458 --> 00:11:22,953
The idea is around naturalness,
fertility, flora, fauna.
223
00:11:22,978 --> 00:11:24,793
A dick is kind of
224
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,643
a central part of nature.
225
00:11:26,668 --> 00:11:29,513
Yeah, I think it removes all
the kind of cosmetic attachments
226
00:11:29,538 --> 00:11:33,823
we have to the penis and brings
it back to the organ.
227
00:11:34,898 --> 00:11:38,102
So, yeah, I think it's a beautiful
way to frame it.
228
00:11:43,458 --> 00:11:45,753
The reason I wanted to do
this shoot actually
229
00:11:45,778 --> 00:11:47,032
was because I don't
230
00:11:47,057 --> 00:11:49,593
want there to be a taboo around
the erection.
231
00:11:49,618 --> 00:11:52,953
It's something that we all
experience.
232
00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:55,793
And so, for me to
openly explore that,
233
00:11:55,818 --> 00:11:58,073
in an artistic way as well,
234
00:11:58,098 --> 00:11:59,003
is amazing.
235
00:12:02,257 --> 00:12:05,313
A flaccid willy is a bit of a
ball ache, to be honest.
236
00:12:05,338 --> 00:12:09,203
But as for when it's hard,
fucking hell, sometimes it hurts.
237
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,183
I know from a biological
point of view,
238
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:12,793
it's blood flow and it's two
chambers
239
00:12:12,818 --> 00:12:14,313
filling with a lot of blood.
240
00:12:14,338 --> 00:12:15,873
So then, I remember learning that,
thinking
241
00:12:15,898 --> 00:12:17,282
"Am I going to get light—headed?"
242
00:12:17,307 --> 00:12:19,313
"What's going to happen?"
243
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:21,793
I can definitely have an erection
when it's not sexual.
244
00:12:21,818 --> 00:12:24,873
I can wake up in the morning
and it's like, bang, it's up,
245
00:12:24,898 --> 00:12:27,823
and I don't particularly
feel sexual.
246
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,393
It's a sign of good health.
It means your blood's flowing
247
00:12:30,418 --> 00:12:31,823
around your body, waking you up,
248
00:12:31,848 --> 00:12:34,183
that's what... That's the
reality of being a man.
249
00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:36,593
You just wake up every day with a
hard on.
250
00:12:36,618 --> 00:12:39,232
I think the most awkward ones
for me are kind of...
251
00:12:39,257 --> 00:12:40,753
...would happen when I'm driving.
252
00:12:40,778 --> 00:12:43,543
I don't know if it's like the rumble
of the road on...
253
00:12:43,568 --> 00:12:45,393
...on the kind of, you know,
your balls
254
00:12:45,418 --> 00:12:46,833
as you're hitting the... on the seat.
255
00:12:46,858 --> 00:12:48,152
And you sort of go,
256
00:12:48,177 --> 00:12:50,673
"How did that speed bump
give me an erection?"
257
00:12:50,698 --> 00:12:53,112
I used to always get one
in geography class.
258
00:12:53,137 --> 00:12:55,793
And it was nothing to do with
geography.
259
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,593
A lot of it is mental.
260
00:12:57,618 --> 00:12:59,953
I could see a text come
through from a client
261
00:12:59,978 --> 00:13:01,793
who I'm really attracted to,
262
00:13:01,818 --> 00:13:03,793
my dick would instantly get hard.
263
00:13:03,818 --> 00:13:06,152
For me, personally,
if I'm walking down the street
264
00:13:06,177 --> 00:13:08,513
and suddenly I get a boner,
I just go,
265
00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:11,193
"Oh, I feel good. I'm charged,
I've got some sexual energy there,
266
00:13:11,218 --> 00:13:13,083
"I'm not trying to
force this on anyone,
267
00:13:13,108 --> 00:13:15,873
"I'm not trying to show it anyone,"
so there's a level of
268
00:13:15,898 --> 00:13:19,112
sort of pride, really,
to have that organ wake up.
269
00:13:23,898 --> 00:13:26,513
It's like another bit of your body
all of a sudden,
270
00:13:26,538 --> 00:13:28,263
it's a hard thing,
271
00:13:28,288 --> 00:13:31,032
you know, just...
Physically, I become very hot.
272
00:13:31,057 --> 00:13:33,083
It's brilliant, you know,
273
00:13:33,108 --> 00:13:36,032
it feels good, you start to release
these endorphins in your brain...
274
00:13:36,057 --> 00:13:39,003
...and it's going into your loins
and you can't concentrate...
275
00:13:39,028 --> 00:13:41,003
...close to that,
it's like a tingle...
276
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:43,362
...it's this rush of blood
that sort of seems to...
277
00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:45,723
...it's not itchy,
that's not the right word...
278
00:13:45,748 --> 00:13:47,263
...that's pretty much
all you can think about...
279
00:13:47,288 --> 00:13:49,833
...like, you go into more of an
animalistic state of mind...
280
00:13:49,858 --> 00:13:52,112
...at least a little bit of...
281
00:13:52,137 --> 00:13:53,393
"euphofia".
282
00:13:53,418 --> 00:13:55,003
...driving...
283
00:13:55,028 --> 00:13:57,003
SEXUAL MOANING
284
00:14:00,858 --> 00:14:02,473
...and then you need to...
285
00:14:02,498 --> 00:14:03,673
...do something about it.
286
00:14:09,858 --> 00:14:12,182
Some of the most embarrassing
moments in my life
287
00:14:12,207 --> 00:14:14,103
would be times when it's failed me.
288
00:14:16,128 --> 00:14:19,463
This is a thing that, erm,
I want to be proud of,
289
00:14:19,488 --> 00:14:21,743
that I want to use properly,
290
00:14:21,768 --> 00:14:24,613
that I want to pleasure a woman with
291
00:14:24,638 --> 00:14:26,932
and sometimes that
pressure has meant
292
00:14:26,957 --> 00:14:29,023
I haven't been able to get a boner —
293
00:14:29,048 --> 00:14:32,213
and instantly, then, you're in
this psychological battle
294
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:34,743
where you think, she's gonna feel
bad about herself
295
00:14:34,768 --> 00:14:37,103
at the same time I'm feeling bad
about myself
296
00:14:37,128 --> 00:14:39,823
and if that happens once,
it can happen twice,
297
00:14:39,848 --> 00:14:41,573
it can turn into, like, this cycle,
298
00:14:41,598 --> 00:14:43,932
so if you put too much
pressure on yourself,
299
00:14:43,957 --> 00:14:47,293
if you think this thing is always
gonna bring you glory and joy
300
00:14:47,318 --> 00:14:49,773
and ecstasy, then you
will mess yourself up
301
00:14:49,798 --> 00:14:51,463
for future sexual encounters.
302
00:14:54,598 --> 00:14:59,973
Being a man, sex is talked about as
if you are some kind of porn star.
303
00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:03,543
You're never kind of like,
304
00:15:03,568 --> 00:15:06,182
"Oh, I gave her the best ten seconds
of her life,"
305
00:15:06,207 --> 00:15:10,052
type thing, that's never,
you know, talked about
306
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,653
you know, "She was so gorgeous
307
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:14,493
"and it was such a hot situation
that I lasted seconds."
308
00:15:14,518 --> 00:15:16,973
I've never, ever met a bloke who's
said that,
309
00:15:16,998 --> 00:15:18,693
but I know it's happened to me.
310
00:15:21,077 --> 00:15:22,463
When you're penetrating,
311
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:25,103
it's like entering the most warm,
cuddly space,
312
00:15:25,128 --> 00:15:28,823
it's just all encompassing and it
takes over your whole mind and body.
313
00:15:28,848 --> 00:15:31,932
So it's not just your penis sliding
inside a very nice,
314
00:15:31,957 --> 00:15:34,853
moist, wet, tight, sort of...
315
00:15:34,878 --> 00:15:36,853
...it's a great feeling.
316
00:15:36,878 --> 00:15:39,463
But also that flows through your
whole body
317
00:15:39,488 --> 00:15:42,623
and through your brain and your
endorphins are going, "Ding!"
318
00:15:42,648 --> 00:15:47,132
And everything's going ding, it's
a real button presser, frankly.
319
00:15:49,438 --> 00:15:52,182
When I first started having sex
with men, I was a bottom
320
00:15:52,207 --> 00:15:54,823
cos that's sort of where you end
up, because there is a weird
321
00:15:54,848 --> 00:15:56,132
masculinity element towards that
322
00:15:56,157 --> 00:15:59,132
and so because I was having sex with
men who were teaching me,
323
00:15:59,157 --> 00:16:01,012
I'd go on bottom,
that's how it works.
324
00:16:01,037 --> 00:16:02,983
So to be penetrated,
that was... That felt great
325
00:16:03,008 --> 00:16:05,293
and that was amazing,
and having sex with a man
326
00:16:05,318 --> 00:16:06,573
in the first place was incredible.
327
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:08,932
The first time I topped,
I was terrified.
328
00:16:08,957 --> 00:16:11,693
Absolutely terrified because I had
no idea what I was doing
329
00:16:11,718 --> 00:16:14,052
and I didn't know if
I would do it right
330
00:16:14,077 --> 00:16:17,373
and I was taking on a lot of
the control and I was becoming
331
00:16:17,398 --> 00:16:19,733
what would be seen as
the more kind of masculine role
332
00:16:19,758 --> 00:16:22,182
and I didn't feel like
I could live up to it.
333
00:16:22,207 --> 00:16:25,262
Turns out I'm pretty good, but
at that point, it was terrifying.
334
00:16:27,568 --> 00:16:29,903
There's lots of theories
about where we come from
335
00:16:29,928 --> 00:16:31,693
and how we're created
but, essentially,
336
00:16:31,718 --> 00:16:34,052
there's one thing that's vital in
that, and that's sperm.
337
00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:36,573
It does start with the sperm,
obviously.
338
00:16:36,598 --> 00:16:39,623
I never think about being able to
use my sperm
339
00:16:39,648 --> 00:16:41,983
for anything other
than cleaning up later.
340
00:16:42,008 --> 00:16:44,293
I don't think anything
towards sperm.
341
00:16:44,318 --> 00:16:47,052
Just get it off me, that's it.
342
00:16:47,077 --> 00:16:50,733
It's easier for men to disconnect
from the idea that sperm
343
00:16:50,758 --> 00:16:54,262
has a value, because we produce
millions of them
344
00:16:54,287 --> 00:16:57,373
and we can... quite literally,
toss them away.
345
00:16:57,398 --> 00:16:59,853
When you look at come
when you're younger,
346
00:16:59,878 --> 00:17:02,983
you don't necessarily acknowledge
it's a reproductive tool.
347
00:17:03,008 --> 00:17:06,653
But as you get older, you know if
you're firing on all cylinders,
348
00:17:06,678 --> 00:17:09,623
and you come and you know that
there's sperm in there
349
00:17:09,648 --> 00:17:12,463
and it could potentially, you know,
lead to you having a child,
350
00:17:12,488 --> 00:17:15,012
it does give you that
sense of being a man.
351
00:17:17,728 --> 00:17:19,623
After we've got married
and we decided
352
00:17:19,648 --> 00:17:21,413
that we wanted to try having kids,
353
00:17:21,438 --> 00:17:23,773
which was brilliant cos we
had a lot of sex,
354
00:17:23,798 --> 00:17:26,132
but we weren't getting pregnant,
and I was like,
355
00:17:26,157 --> 00:17:27,853
"Well, let's go and
talk to the doctor."
356
00:17:27,878 --> 00:17:31,012
I got the phone call on the drive
back to where we live
357
00:17:31,037 --> 00:17:35,413
and he said, "Yeah, there's no
sperm at all in the sample,
358
00:17:35,438 --> 00:17:40,093
"and so that means that you won't be
able to conceive your own child."
359
00:17:41,207 --> 00:17:43,423
Which... broke me, to be honest.
360
00:17:44,488 --> 00:17:45,733
Completely.
361
00:17:49,678 --> 00:17:51,932
And still does.
362
00:17:56,478 --> 00:17:58,543
It's indescribable, the pain,
363
00:17:58,568 --> 00:18:02,293
because I can't imagine what it's
like to lose a child...
364
00:18:03,878 --> 00:18:08,262
...but I know what it's like to lose
a child you've never had.
365
00:18:10,568 --> 00:18:15,903
I lost, probably, 18 months
of my life to depression.
366
00:18:17,568 --> 00:18:19,812
So we had to find a way forward,
367
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:21,543
and for us that was sperm donation.
368
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,853
I remember sitting on the train
going to work,
369
00:18:23,878 --> 00:18:25,213
looking around and thinking,
370
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:28,213
"One of these guys on this train
could be the sperm donor."
371
00:18:28,238 --> 00:18:29,903
I really struggled with that.
372
00:18:29,928 --> 00:18:31,812
I really struggled with this idea
of that,
373
00:18:31,837 --> 00:18:34,812
of, like, "How will I ever
bond with that child?"
374
00:18:39,728 --> 00:18:42,062
We got pregnant
the first time we went in,
375
00:18:42,087 --> 00:18:44,653
which was kind of a miracle, after
everything we'd been through.
376
00:18:44,678 --> 00:18:48,012
It was just, like, we believed it,
but we didn't entirely believe it
377
00:18:48,037 --> 00:18:51,423
but it was just wonderful, it was
such a turning point in our lives
378
00:18:51,448 --> 00:18:55,812
that I never, ever thought I'd get
to, if I'm completely honest.
379
00:18:55,837 --> 00:19:01,293
And then... our son was born and when
he was brought out to me
380
00:19:01,318 --> 00:19:03,623
and I hugged him...
381
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,573
...ah...
382
00:19:07,598 --> 00:19:09,373
...it was everything.
383
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,373
Absolutely everything.
384
00:19:12,928 --> 00:19:14,533
I love him.
385
00:19:14,558 --> 00:19:16,093
So much.
386
00:19:21,758 --> 00:19:27,213
Nothing will compare
to having a child.
387
00:19:37,808 --> 00:19:39,503
I grew up in Sheffield,
388
00:19:39,528 --> 00:19:42,822
and it's an area that's well known
for straighteners.
389
00:19:42,847 --> 00:19:44,863
If there's a problem,
390
00:19:44,888 --> 00:19:48,142
people will go outside a pub and
we'll sort it out.
391
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:53,822
Violence brings a rush inside of me.
392
00:19:53,847 --> 00:19:56,103
It's like doing a bungee jump.
393
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,103
It's like jumping out of a plane.
394
00:19:58,128 --> 00:20:00,822
It's an ultimate adrenaline rush.
395
00:20:00,847 --> 00:20:03,142
And on this one particular night,
396
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:07,533
I went out on a night out
and I ended up hitting a doorman.
397
00:20:07,558 --> 00:20:10,022
And I got 21 months for that.
398
00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:14,613
During sex, I often feel wrong,
399
00:20:14,638 --> 00:20:18,103
because my first experience having
sex was rape.
400
00:20:18,128 --> 00:20:19,583
I was ten.
401
00:20:19,608 --> 00:20:22,783
So it's hard for me to, like,
to separate the two.
402
00:20:24,528 --> 00:20:28,433
The ten-year-old me dealt
with it... silently.
403
00:20:28,458 --> 00:20:30,053
I wore a mask.
404
00:20:30,078 --> 00:20:31,383
I was lost.
405
00:20:31,408 --> 00:20:34,433
I felt as though I couldn't talk to
anyone about this.
406
00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:39,863
And then as I got a bit older, like,
I start questioning myself.
407
00:20:39,888 --> 00:20:43,183
Like, am I gay? Does this...
does this mean I'm gay?
408
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,053
Because I've...
cos I've been with a boy.
409
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,793
And it confused the life out of me.
410
00:20:47,818 --> 00:20:50,613
Then the shame would set in,
the guilt would set it.
411
00:20:52,528 --> 00:20:55,022
It affected my confidence in a way,
412
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:57,613
but it was like reverse psychology.
413
00:20:57,638 --> 00:21:00,303
I had to then prove...
414
00:21:00,328 --> 00:21:03,942
I felt so shallow
and so small inside,
415
00:21:03,967 --> 00:21:08,303
that I'd do anything to prove
to anyone I am a big man.
416
00:21:08,328 --> 00:21:10,103
I am...| am a man.
417
00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:13,383
I used jail for what it was.
418
00:21:13,408 --> 00:21:15,772
It was long, big, long look
in the mirror.
419
00:21:15,797 --> 00:21:17,383
It was just me facing myself.
420
00:21:17,408 --> 00:21:20,942
I could no longer run away
from what's happened to me.
421
00:21:22,538 --> 00:21:26,103
I speak out openly now about
the sexual abuse
422
00:21:26,128 --> 00:21:28,822
and the rape I sustained as a child,
423
00:21:28,847 --> 00:21:31,183
and I can use my energy
in a different way,
424
00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:34,663
I can channel my energy in a much
more positive and influential way.
425
00:21:34,688 --> 00:21:40,743
And I'd say now I've done something
that not many men can face.
426
00:21:40,768 --> 00:21:45,772
I've dug deep within myself,
I've faced all my fears,
427
00:21:45,797 --> 00:21:48,902
and I'm as masculine
as I've ever been.
428
00:21:55,408 --> 00:21:57,902
I've always photographed men's
bodies in black and white.
429
00:21:59,358 --> 00:22:03,183
As men, we are often defined
in black and white terms.
430
00:22:04,358 --> 00:22:07,383
And what really interests me
are the shades in between.
431
00:22:09,927 --> 00:22:12,873
My work plays around with the idea
of what men are
432
00:22:12,898 --> 00:22:14,623
and who we are allowed to be.
433
00:22:16,568 --> 00:22:20,513
So then I'm going to ask
you to take off this for me. OK.
434
00:22:20,538 --> 00:22:22,983
And then I will then put
this on for you.
435
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,303
How you feeling?
Yeah, I'm good, man. Fine. Yeah?
436
00:22:25,328 --> 00:22:26,543
I'm naked, but it's fine.
437
00:22:26,568 --> 00:22:31,593
So, basically the idea
I'm working with
438
00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:37,663
is that I'm going to use the shirt
as an analogy for a straight jacket.
439
00:22:37,688 --> 00:22:39,543
OK. How we can be trapped,
440
00:22:39,568 --> 00:22:43,902
in terms of notions of kind
of identity and masculinity.
441
00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:45,663
Identity. How does that feel?
442
00:22:45,688 --> 00:22:46,743
Yeah, it's fine.
443
00:22:46,768 --> 00:22:49,543
You know, it's not normally the way
I'd do it. It's cool.
444
00:22:52,128 --> 00:22:55,493
You might want to try and just
bring your hands up a bit more.
445
00:22:55,518 --> 00:22:57,343
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK.
446
00:22:57,368 --> 00:22:58,902
Has to push out, slightly.
447
00:22:58,927 --> 00:23:01,517
It'll be awkward.
Yeah, it is awkward.
448
00:23:01,542 --> 00:23:04,518
|'m... That's want I want,
is the awkwardness.
449
00:23:05,952 --> 00:23:07,797
And your veins look beautiful.
450
00:23:07,822 --> 00:23:09,718
My what? Your veins on here...
451
00:23:09,743 --> 00:23:11,718
Christ, really?
Jesus, I'm popping out.
452
00:23:11,743 --> 00:23:14,638
OK, so besides all that,
just a really normal pose?
453
00:23:14,663 --> 00:23:15,958
Yeah. I get it.
454
00:23:15,983 --> 00:23:18,238
So, it's all about tension.
455
00:23:21,063 --> 00:23:24,677
Right, can you just now turn
around and face me now?
456
00:23:25,743 --> 00:23:28,038
And then just do that
pushing out again. just push.
457
00:23:28,063 --> 00:23:30,288
Yeah. Nice.
458
00:23:31,383 --> 00:23:32,358
Nice.
459
00:23:33,902 --> 00:23:35,038
Beautiful.
460
00:23:36,593 --> 00:23:38,877
I really like this shot, actually.
461
00:23:38,902 --> 00:23:43,288
So, I'm basically, what we're
capturing is the tension.
462
00:23:43,313 --> 00:23:45,188
And then there's tension
within your hands as well.
463
00:23:45,213 --> 00:23:47,518
OK, got it. Right, yeah? Right.
464
00:23:47,543 --> 00:23:49,877
Right, can I have you just
turn your face
465
00:23:49,902 --> 00:23:54,208
directly towards the backdrop
and stay like that. Yeah.
466
00:23:56,103 --> 00:23:57,958
I suppose to a certain extent,
467
00:23:57,983 --> 00:24:02,958
masculinity could be seen as being
like a metaphorical straight jacket,
468
00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:05,828
when you're tied
into a way of behaving
469
00:24:05,853 --> 00:24:08,108
and thinking
on a very one-dimensional level.
470
00:24:09,022 --> 00:24:12,158
I see it as a challenge to break
out, break out of that.
471
00:24:12,183 --> 00:24:16,958
And, um, to mould it to yourself.
472
00:24:16,983 --> 00:24:18,547
Beautiful.
473
00:24:18,572 --> 00:24:20,598
We've been very much in
a man's world.
474
00:24:20,623 --> 00:24:22,958
Things are changing.
I think it's a great thing.
475
00:24:22,983 --> 00:24:25,828
And, you know, men have to maybe
redefine themselves a bit,
476
00:24:25,853 --> 00:24:28,877
away from this sort of very passe
cliche.
477
00:24:28,902 --> 00:24:32,677
I was born in the '60s, you know?
I went to school in the '70s,
478
00:24:32,702 --> 00:24:34,178
and attitudes have changed a lot.
479
00:24:34,203 --> 00:24:36,518
So I effectively had to
retook at my education
480
00:24:36,543 --> 00:24:38,368
and chuck out the bits that
don't apply.
481
00:24:38,393 --> 00:24:40,648
And there's a lot of it.
A lot of crap.
482
00:24:43,103 --> 00:24:45,398
I was sent to a really beautiful
little school
483
00:24:45,423 --> 00:24:46,921
in the middle of the country.
484
00:24:48,817 --> 00:24:50,643
I was seven years old.
485
00:24:50,668 --> 00:24:53,283
Boris was there. The whole Johnson
family were there, actually.
486
00:24:53,308 --> 00:24:55,643
And it was seen
as being the top school,
487
00:24:55,668 --> 00:24:57,542
and then everybody ended up at
Oxford or Cambridge
488
00:24:57,567 --> 00:25:00,002
and a lot of them are in politics.
489
00:25:02,098 --> 00:25:04,433
Everybody thinks, you know,
we're privileged.
490
00:25:04,458 --> 00:25:06,363
I tell you what,
you're lucky if you didn't go.
491
00:25:06,388 --> 00:25:08,723
You got away with it,
cos it was shit.
492
00:25:08,748 --> 00:25:11,002
And then just push one hand up.
Yeah.
493
00:25:12,027 --> 00:25:14,542
The longer I was there, the
more I discovered and realised
494
00:25:14,567 --> 00:25:15,723
what really was going on.
495
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:19,393
One of the things that happened
was, there was a teacher
496
00:25:19,418 --> 00:25:20,752
who'd come into the dormitory
497
00:25:20,777 --> 00:25:23,073
and he would make us stand around
completely naked
498
00:25:23,098 --> 00:25:24,723
and we'd have to get an erection
499
00:25:24,748 --> 00:25:26,473
and balance our slippers on
the end of it.
500
00:25:26,498 --> 00:25:28,833
And basically, who'd get the
hardest erection?
501
00:25:28,858 --> 00:25:31,792
It was basically, he would wander
around sort of watching.
502
00:25:31,817 --> 00:25:33,113
He was, you know...
503
00:25:33,138 --> 00:25:35,473
Um, he had really scary,
thick glasses
504
00:25:35,498 --> 00:25:38,363
and a wrinkly face, like paper.
That's what I remember of him.
505
00:25:38,388 --> 00:25:41,393
And if he punish me, for example,
he'd take me to his room.
506
00:25:41,418 --> 00:25:45,233
And he'd bend me over his bed and
I'd just hear him breathing over me,
507
00:25:45,258 --> 00:25:46,363
But he wouldn't touch me.
508
00:25:46,388 --> 00:25:48,033
And yeah, it was creepy, you know?
509
00:25:48,058 --> 00:25:50,672
For somebody at that age,
seven years old, it's super-creepy.
510
00:25:53,138 --> 00:25:55,723
I didn't realise at the time
how extensive it was.
511
00:25:55,748 --> 00:25:58,193
I mean, some of my friends were
essentially raped.
512
00:25:58,218 --> 00:26:00,542
Obviously zero consent at that age,
513
00:26:00,567 --> 00:26:03,263
you know, by teachers, you know?
514
00:26:03,288 --> 00:26:06,872
And we were all seven, eight, nine,
ten, 11, 12.
515
00:26:06,897 --> 00:26:09,513
I mean, we were young,
we were young. We were young.
516
00:26:09,538 --> 00:26:12,083
It's a hard word to describe,
how you feel later,
517
00:26:12,108 --> 00:26:14,953
having realised something was going
on that you couldn't help with.
518
00:26:14,978 --> 00:26:16,313
We were kids, so there's no way
519
00:26:16,338 --> 00:26:18,033
I could've done anything
at the time.
520
00:26:18,058 --> 00:26:20,872
But if we'd all known
more about the way of the world
521
00:26:20,897 --> 00:26:22,363
and we'd been a bit older,
522
00:26:22,388 --> 00:26:24,393
we might have been able to do
something.
523
00:26:24,418 --> 00:26:26,313
It's weird,
the way the memory works.
524
00:26:26,338 --> 00:26:28,802
For many years, everyone
would brush this under the carpet.
525
00:26:28,827 --> 00:26:31,113
We wouldn't even talk
about it with each other.
526
00:26:31,138 --> 00:26:32,552
But then in recent years,
527
00:26:32,577 --> 00:26:35,443
around the time of jimmy Savile,
the conversation did come up.
528
00:26:35,468 --> 00:26:37,263
And it only became apparent
to me then
529
00:26:37,288 --> 00:26:39,552
how damaging this had been to some
people's lives.
530
00:26:40,777 --> 00:26:43,833
We brought a criminal case
against some of the teachers.
531
00:26:43,858 --> 00:26:45,593
We've already been successful.
532
00:26:45,618 --> 00:26:48,552
We had one locked up and it meant
justice for his victims.
533
00:26:50,218 --> 00:26:52,953
DIAL-UP TONE
534
00:26:55,258 --> 00:27:00,363
Pornography came into my life
when I got a computer in my room.
535
00:27:00,388 --> 00:27:03,273
Because the dial-up was really
slow, you'd just load images.
536
00:27:03,298 --> 00:27:05,622
And there it would be.
Like, you'd see the head
537
00:27:05,647 --> 00:27:08,473
and then you'd see the eyes and then
you'd see the boobs.
538
00:27:08,498 --> 00:27:11,273
And sometimes before you'd even got
to the bottom of the image,
539
00:27:11,298 --> 00:27:13,913
which could just be one photo,
you could have ejaculated.
540
00:27:13,938 --> 00:27:15,872
But it was always a race
with pornography.
541
00:27:15,897 --> 00:27:18,523
I found that it was never, sort of,
prolonging it
542
00:27:18,548 --> 00:27:21,393
and having a ten,
15-minute, 20-minute,
543
00:27:21,418 --> 00:27:24,113
30-minute sort of level of
masturbation.
544
00:27:24,138 --> 00:27:26,443
It was always this, sort of,
get it done quickly
545
00:27:26,468 --> 00:27:27,523
before someone catches you.
546
00:27:27,548 --> 00:27:29,113
WOMAN MOANS
547
00:27:29,138 --> 00:27:32,443
Porn just puts it into a visual,
so you have to do less work.
548
00:27:32,468 --> 00:27:34,953
I think actually, honestly,
using your imagination
549
00:27:34,978 --> 00:27:36,313
to jerk off is a lot of work.
550
00:27:36,338 --> 00:27:38,672
HE LAUGHS
And nobody's got that kind of time.
551
00:27:38,697 --> 00:27:43,313
Sometimes I will use it if I know I
need to wank and it has to be quick.
552
00:27:43,338 --> 00:27:44,523
Er, I will use porn.
553
00:27:44,548 --> 00:27:46,552
I think most people approach
porn like that.
554
00:27:46,577 --> 00:27:48,913
They watch it, they get what they
need from it,
555
00:27:48,938 --> 00:27:51,703
and then they close their laptop
and pretend it didn't exist.
556
00:27:53,058 --> 00:27:55,393
The first time I ever saw porn,
I was 12.
557
00:27:55,418 --> 00:27:57,752
And I was on the internet
going to these websites
558
00:27:57,777 --> 00:28:01,083
having fun and I was like, "Oh, my
God, my little sister loves Boyzone.
559
00:28:01,108 --> 00:28:03,113
"I'm going to look
for B0yz0ne's website
560
00:28:03,138 --> 00:28:04,802
"and print off
some pictures of Boyzone
561
00:28:04,827 --> 00:28:07,163
"and take them home for my sister,
because I'm adorable."
562
00:28:07,188 --> 00:28:09,033
Also had a massive crush on most
of Boyzone,
563
00:28:09,058 --> 00:28:10,443
but didn't fully understand.
564
00:28:10,468 --> 00:28:13,443
So I typed in Boyzone.com,
thinking it was their website
565
00:28:13,468 --> 00:28:15,752
and it was not their website.
Not at all.
566
00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:18,083
It was some very aggressive porn,
567
00:28:18,108 --> 00:28:22,752
and I could draw you, from memory,
that page instantly,
568
00:28:22,777 --> 00:28:25,993
because it was both the most
electrically exciting
569
00:28:26,018 --> 00:28:28,443
and the most terrified I've ever
been in my life.
570
00:28:28,468 --> 00:28:30,993
WOMAN MOANS LOUDLY
571
00:28:32,378 --> 00:28:36,993
When I was younger, there was a lot
of just thrusting and fucking
572
00:28:37,018 --> 00:28:40,752
and everything was sort of
really aggressive.
573
00:28:40,777 --> 00:28:43,552
And I think I learned all them
behaviours through pornography
574
00:28:43,577 --> 00:28:47,273
and I don't know how many sexual
partners I had, but it was too many,
575
00:28:47,298 --> 00:28:49,632
before someone actually said,
"| don't like it like that.
576
00:28:49,657 --> 00:28:51,473
"Why do guys always do
it like that?"
577
00:28:51,498 --> 00:28:53,833
There was a serious lack
of communication before that.
578
00:28:53,858 --> 00:28:56,632
That actually meant,
"Slow down, make love,
579
00:28:56,657 --> 00:28:58,552
"caress me, use it properly,
580
00:28:58,577 --> 00:29:02,603
"allow me to feel the different
contours of your penis."
581
00:29:02,628 --> 00:29:04,882
And that was like
a game changer for me.
582
00:29:05,827 --> 00:29:08,163
So, I think porn became a bit
of a problem.
583
00:29:08,188 --> 00:29:10,523
There were definitely levels of
addiction there.
584
00:29:10,548 --> 00:29:13,113
There were ways in which it was
affecting my self—image,
585
00:29:13,138 --> 00:29:17,802
in terms of here are all these
super-smooth, super-ripped
586
00:29:17,827 --> 00:29:19,113
white guys with massive dicks.
587
00:29:20,628 --> 00:29:25,393
And...| didn't see, obviously
didn't see myself in any of that.
588
00:29:30,138 --> 00:29:34,523
I first realised towards the end of
primary school that was I gay.
589
00:29:34,548 --> 00:29:36,073
But Asian men are straight.
590
00:29:36,098 --> 00:29:37,682
That's it.
591
00:29:37,707 --> 00:29:40,682
So I think trying to marry those
parts of my identity together...
592
00:29:40,707 --> 00:29:42,273
...that completely ripped me apart.
593
00:29:42,298 --> 00:29:45,033
It was, um...
HE SIGHS
594
00:29:45,058 --> 00:29:47,882
...trying to pray that the sexuality
would go away
595
00:29:47,907 --> 00:29:49,473
or that I become straight.
596
00:29:49,498 --> 00:29:50,713
Or failing that,
597
00:29:50,738 --> 00:29:53,882
If I could get hit by a bus,
or if something would happen
598
00:29:53,907 --> 00:29:55,393
so that I wasn't alive anymore,
599
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,323
because I was suicidal during
this time,
600
00:29:57,348 --> 00:30:00,273
but suicide is prohibited in Islam.
601
00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:03,243
So I kind of felt as though I was
trapped. Um...
602
00:30:04,577 --> 00:30:06,473
And obviously,
the gay didn't go away.
603
00:30:06,498 --> 00:30:09,993
And then it just got
more and more intense,
604
00:30:10,018 --> 00:30:12,913
until I couldn't keep up with
it anymore.
605
00:30:12,938 --> 00:30:15,163
It was just too much. It was...
606
00:30:16,988 --> 00:30:18,273
...it was crushing.
607
00:30:19,657 --> 00:30:21,603
And I took it out on my body.
608
00:30:21,628 --> 00:30:23,432
So it was, you know,
hacking my body,
609
00:30:23,457 --> 00:30:24,833
it was punishing my body
610
00:30:24,858 --> 00:30:27,403
because I hated this vessel
that I was attached to.
611
00:30:27,428 --> 00:30:30,403
And I just wanted to rip
my body apart.
612
00:30:30,428 --> 00:30:32,882
And I did. Physically,
I started to rip it apart.
613
00:30:40,018 --> 00:30:42,682
How you feeling, OK?
614
00:30:42,707 --> 00:30:44,432
I want you to feel yourself
transforming
615
00:30:44,457 --> 00:30:47,113
into something else, right, yeah?
616
00:30:49,818 --> 00:30:52,762
Yeah. Beautiful.
617
00:30:52,787 --> 00:30:54,762
Now then, touch your scars with
this hand.
618
00:30:54,787 --> 00:30:56,273
Yeah, just very...
619
00:30:56,298 --> 00:30:59,193
Yeah, very, very gentle, like that.
620
00:31:01,577 --> 00:31:04,403
This is probably the strangest thing
I've ever done in my life.
621
00:31:06,298 --> 00:31:08,762
Look away some more, look away.
That's it. That's it.
622
00:31:11,548 --> 00:31:13,432
Being nude... Mm-hm?
623
00:31:13,457 --> 00:31:16,603
...how do you feel,
in terms of power?
624
00:31:16,628 --> 00:31:20,073
It feels powerful
to be stood here nude, naked,
625
00:31:20,098 --> 00:31:22,073
talking about the things
I've talked about.
626
00:31:22,098 --> 00:31:23,963
And I'm owning it.
627
00:31:25,218 --> 00:31:28,323
This whole experience has been kind
of airing out the dirty laundry
628
00:31:28,348 --> 00:31:30,632
and seeing that, actually,
when I talk about it,
629
00:31:30,657 --> 00:31:32,123
it's not as powerful anymore.
630
00:31:32,148 --> 00:31:35,073
Or it's kind of, it doesn't
have as much of a hold on me
631
00:31:35,098 --> 00:31:37,353
And it's kind of drawn a
line under it.
632
00:31:38,428 --> 00:31:39,432
I'm done.
633
00:31:40,577 --> 00:31:41,793
That's the image.
634
00:31:46,178 --> 00:31:48,713
Nice. That's me! That's you, honey.
635
00:31:50,428 --> 00:31:51,603
Thank you.
636
00:31:51,628 --> 00:31:52,833
Thank YOU.
637
00:32:02,988 --> 00:32:05,532
My penis, for me, is...
638
00:32:05,557 --> 00:32:10,873
...symbolic of my ability to create
life with the opposite sex.
639
00:32:10,898 --> 00:32:15,283
It's integral to who I am
from a survival standpoint,
640
00:32:15,308 --> 00:32:19,632
in terms of my fertility, my
strength,
641
00:32:19,657 --> 00:32:21,993
being able to pass on my seed.
642
00:32:22,018 --> 00:32:27,512
It's how I connect with the opposite
sex on an intimate level.
643
00:32:27,537 --> 00:32:30,873
It's how we exchange that magical
energy.
644
00:32:30,898 --> 00:32:31,923
|t's... it's...
645
00:32:31,948 --> 00:32:33,153
...it's fucking awesome.
646
00:32:34,258 --> 00:32:36,562
How are you doing? Fantastic.
647
00:32:36,587 --> 00:32:38,283
Thanks for coming.
You're very welcome.
648
00:32:38,308 --> 00:32:40,233
Do you shake or hug? I like hugs.
THEY LAUGH
649
00:32:40,258 --> 00:32:45,073
I think it's a travesty that men and
women are being mushed together,
650
00:32:45,098 --> 00:32:47,873
because I think the differences
between the two are so beautiful
651
00:32:47,898 --> 00:32:49,843
and that's where all the chemistry
comes from.
652
00:32:49,868 --> 00:32:55,073
And to pretend that we're all
the same in the name of equality,
653
00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:57,432
I think, is nonsense.
654
00:32:57,457 --> 00:32:59,793
I think that our differences
should be celebrated.
655
00:32:59,818 --> 00:33:01,793
But what we should be doing
is learning
656
00:33:01,818 --> 00:33:04,073
how to respect each other for those
differences.
657
00:33:05,337 --> 00:33:07,923
So, then, tell me more about your
work.
658
00:33:07,948 --> 00:33:10,203
I'm a sexual development companion,
659
00:33:10,228 --> 00:33:12,873
I'm a high-class escort. Yeah.
660
00:33:12,898 --> 00:33:15,923
So essentially, women hire me
661
00:33:15,948 --> 00:33:19,923
to help them explore their
sexuality. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
662
00:33:19,948 --> 00:33:22,233
And it varies a lot,
663
00:33:22,258 --> 00:33:25,432
from women who have
been in long-term relationships
664
00:33:25,457 --> 00:33:27,043
where they've had no sex,
665
00:33:27,068 --> 00:33:29,782
to women who want to explore
666
00:33:29,807 --> 00:33:33,452
maybe a darker side of their
sexuality.
667
00:33:33,477 --> 00:33:34,613
OK.
668
00:33:36,528 --> 00:33:39,023
I don't feel any pressure
because of my race,
669
00:33:39,048 --> 00:33:43,743
but I probably have been with women
who, for them,
670
00:33:43,768 --> 00:33:47,173
it was a large part of their
attraction to me,
671
00:33:47,198 --> 00:33:50,143
was the fact that I was
the forbidden fruit.
672
00:33:51,408 --> 00:33:54,452
I'm not ignorant to the fact
that that plays into it,
673
00:33:54,477 --> 00:33:56,782
but I don't let that define me.
674
00:33:57,998 --> 00:34:00,303
How long have you been in the
business?
675
00:34:00,328 --> 00:34:02,582
Coming up to about five years now.
676
00:34:02,607 --> 00:34:03,863
Are your family aware?
677
00:34:03,888 --> 00:34:06,173
I've got a 19-year-old daughter.
678
00:34:06,198 --> 00:34:09,143
She's lived with me since
she was five years old. Yeah.
679
00:34:09,168 --> 00:34:11,143
So she's well aware of what I do.
680
00:34:11,168 --> 00:34:14,693
I'm quite open with her, within
reason. I'm still her dad.
681
00:34:14,718 --> 00:34:17,143
Of course, yeah.
So, you know, some information
682
00:34:17,168 --> 00:34:19,782
I don't need to share with her,
but she knows what I do.
683
00:34:19,807 --> 00:34:21,253
I don't hide that from her.
684
00:34:22,607 --> 00:34:25,452
My mother is surprisingly more
open to the idea
685
00:34:25,477 --> 00:34:28,943
than, I would say, my brothers
and sisters, who...
686
00:34:28,968 --> 00:34:32,863
They tend not to really know how to
deal with it,
687
00:34:32,888 --> 00:34:36,532
because within our family, the idea
of discussing sexuality,
688
00:34:36,557 --> 00:34:39,813
especially if you've grown up in a
household which is quite,
689
00:34:39,838 --> 00:34:42,973
quite religious,
it's still quite a taboo subject.
690
00:34:49,408 --> 00:34:52,412
I want men to celebrate their bodies
and their sexuality.
691
00:34:53,607 --> 00:34:56,053
And this project has made me
continue to question
692
00:34:56,078 --> 00:34:58,743
why we don't see penises outside
of sex.
693
00:35:01,607 --> 00:35:04,303
So it remains a symbol
of old-school masculinity.
694
00:35:04,328 --> 00:35:06,223
That needs to be challenged.
695
00:35:07,888 --> 00:35:11,863
For me, masculinity is all
about how much of a man I can feel,
696
00:35:11,888 --> 00:35:14,253
how much of a man I can make
myself feel,
697
00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:16,823
how much of a man I come
across to other people.
698
00:35:18,208 --> 00:35:20,532
I don't think society
really has many real men.
699
00:35:20,557 --> 00:35:23,103
I think society has a lot
of grown boys.
700
00:35:23,128 --> 00:35:26,223
And so I think men find themselves
under the pressures
701
00:35:26,248 --> 00:35:29,613
to try and achieve a warped version
of masculinity.
702
00:35:29,638 --> 00:35:32,893
And it's the wrong version of
masculinity that they're pursuing.
703
00:35:37,048 --> 00:35:41,893
I think the word masculinity, to
me, means...
704
00:35:41,918 --> 00:35:44,183
...violence probably, first and
foremost.
705
00:35:45,968 --> 00:35:48,303
It's much bigger than me.
It's structural.
706
00:35:48,328 --> 00:35:50,743
It's the way we reward masculinity
and let boys be boys.
707
00:35:53,048 --> 00:35:57,503
I was always extremely visibly
feminine from a really young age.
708
00:35:57,528 --> 00:36:01,053
And I think people just didn't
really know how to deal with that.
709
00:36:01,078 --> 00:36:05,693
So when my big body that was
incredibly feminine
710
00:36:05,718 --> 00:36:09,613
would question people's perception
of what I should be,
711
00:36:09,638 --> 00:36:12,743
I think that creates that friction
and a tension and a violence,
712
00:36:12,768 --> 00:36:14,973
and that's what would happen.
713
00:36:16,638 --> 00:36:19,303
At high school they used
to, like, find me in corners
714
00:36:19,328 --> 00:36:21,662
in, like, a PE changing room or
something.
715
00:36:21,687 --> 00:36:23,412
And then they'd, like, come down my
throat
716
00:36:23,437 --> 00:36:26,693
and then be like, "You fucking tell
anyone about this, I'll kill you."
717
00:36:26,718 --> 00:36:30,103
Like, later that day, I'd look up
at the top deck of the bus
718
00:36:30,128 --> 00:36:32,903
and they'd be like, "You fucking
faggot!" and then spit on my face.
719
00:36:32,928 --> 00:36:35,263
And all their lads around them
would be doing the same
720
00:36:35,288 --> 00:36:38,773
and it's like, "How funny,
you literally came in my mouth
721
00:36:38,798 --> 00:36:40,303
"about four hours ago."
722
00:36:43,848 --> 00:36:46,183
My surname's Bellringer,
723
00:36:46,208 --> 00:36:50,223
and when I was at school, I was
teased remorselessly
724
00:36:50,248 --> 00:36:52,303
and I acted really badly with that.
725
00:36:52,328 --> 00:36:55,623
Instead of laughing it off, which
would have been the better option,
726
00:36:55,648 --> 00:36:58,462
I used to get into scrapes
or fights and things like that.
727
00:36:58,487 --> 00:37:02,873
The problem is, is that I couldn't
fight my way out of a paper bag.
728
00:37:02,898 --> 00:37:06,493
And when I joined the army,
I had to hide that.
729
00:37:06,518 --> 00:37:09,773
I was worried that I was a coward,
730
00:37:09,798 --> 00:37:13,542
and I felt I had to appear
as this big man.
731
00:37:13,567 --> 00:37:19,332
I had to project this idea
732
00:37:19,357 --> 00:37:23,662
of being big, gruff, brave,
courageous.
733
00:37:24,848 --> 00:37:29,823
And no-one must know that I feel
that I'm a coward.
734
00:37:31,567 --> 00:37:32,903
As an 18—year—old,
735
00:37:32,928 --> 00:37:37,303
joining the police meant a decent
wage at £20,000,
736
00:37:37,328 --> 00:37:40,983
driving fast cars
and locking bad people up.
737
00:37:41,008 --> 00:37:44,233
However, the stark reality is, er...
738
00:37:44,258 --> 00:37:45,542
...I've become ill from it.
739
00:37:47,288 --> 00:37:50,133
There's just some A and A here,
Geezer's moving around over there.
740
00:37:54,288 --> 00:37:57,023
Ten years ago, I was serving
in Afghanistan.
741
00:37:57,048 --> 00:38:00,053
My role over there was bomb
disposal.
742
00:38:00,078 --> 00:38:02,592
We were tasked on this particular
day
743
00:38:02,617 --> 00:38:04,903
to deal with a series of devices,
744
00:38:04,928 --> 00:38:09,303
something we'd done many,
many times before. Um...
745
00:38:09,328 --> 00:38:13,133
But on this particular day,
it went awfully wrong.
746
00:38:14,258 --> 00:38:16,183
I would be in murder scenes.
747
00:38:17,437 --> 00:38:19,743
Blood everywhere, carpets, walls,
748
00:38:19,768 --> 00:38:22,103
there would potentially still be a
body there
749
00:38:22,128 --> 00:38:24,412
if it hadn't been removed by the
coroners.
750
00:38:24,437 --> 00:38:27,023
Going to a road traffic accident,
751
00:38:27,048 --> 00:38:31,412
you're digging body parts out of
roads with tweezers and spoons.
752
00:38:31,437 --> 00:38:34,103
But the one thing that will never,
ever leave me,
753
00:38:34,128 --> 00:38:37,313
and the medications haven't touched
and haven't managed to solve,
754
00:38:37,338 --> 00:38:39,342
is the smell and the sight of death.
755
00:38:39,367 --> 00:38:43,023
I can close my eyes and I can
picture any one of a hundred, maybe,
756
00:38:43,048 --> 00:38:44,743
dead bodies that I've seen.
757
00:38:44,768 --> 00:38:48,592
And to this day, I wake up in the
middle of the night screaming,
758
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:51,263
I have sweats and terrors.
759
00:38:51,288 --> 00:38:53,212
That's the reality
of being in the police.
760
00:38:54,518 --> 00:38:56,542
They have something called
the canteen culture.
761
00:38:56,567 --> 00:38:58,903
And you literally sit around
on your lunch break
762
00:38:58,928 --> 00:39:02,263
and you laugh and joke about
dead bodies.
763
00:39:02,288 --> 00:39:04,623
In essence, that's their way
of dealing with it,
764
00:39:04,648 --> 00:39:06,983
because they make it very difficult
for you to speak out.
765
00:39:07,008 --> 00:39:09,462
"Well, you joined the police, you
knew what you were getting into."
766
00:39:11,008 --> 00:39:13,773
I survived an absolutely massive
explosion
767
00:39:13,798 --> 00:39:16,903
that I had no right to survive.
768
00:39:16,928 --> 00:39:23,313
Strangely, when I was told
that I'd lost my testicles,
769
00:39:23,338 --> 00:39:24,743
I just...
770
00:39:24,768 --> 00:39:28,063
...metaphorically, just shrugged my
shoulders
771
00:39:28,088 --> 00:39:30,573
and went, you know,
"That's... that's that, then".
772
00:39:30,598 --> 00:39:33,783
I didn't grieve straight away.
773
00:39:33,808 --> 00:39:37,313
But later on, I did.
774
00:39:37,338 --> 00:39:42,263
Sometimes I'd be in a horny
mood, but...
775
00:39:42,288 --> 00:39:45,672
...have nothing that I could
do about that,
776
00:39:45,697 --> 00:39:48,783
I suppose the ultimate frustration
of being a man.
777
00:39:48,808 --> 00:39:52,853
Mental health is a big problem for
men.
778
00:39:52,878 --> 00:39:58,143
The stigma attached to men
is, you can't cry,
779
00:39:58,168 --> 00:40:00,573
you can't show you're emotional,
780
00:40:00,598 --> 00:40:04,183
you can't let off steam
in a way that shows you're weak.
781
00:40:04,208 --> 00:40:09,212
And we need that. We need that sort
of ability to say,
782
00:40:09,237 --> 00:40:10,623
"I'm struggling with this.
783
00:40:10,648 --> 00:40:13,703
"I'm tired, you know, I'm feeling
emotional, I'm feeling down.
784
00:40:13,728 --> 00:40:14,753
"| need to cry."
785
00:40:16,317 --> 00:40:18,853
The genital injuries that
I've suffered
786
00:40:18,878 --> 00:40:22,542
really has changed my perspective on
being a man.
787
00:40:23,808 --> 00:40:26,503
Many things aren't as important.
788
00:40:26,528 --> 00:40:30,542
I don't need to be big
and aggressive.
789
00:40:30,567 --> 00:40:31,983
And for me now,
790
00:40:32,008 --> 00:40:36,462
being a man is just about being
happy with life.
791
00:40:36,487 --> 00:40:38,033
That's the important thing.
792
00:40:38,058 --> 00:40:40,292
Being happy with life
and who you are.
793
00:40:44,367 --> 00:40:47,393
As men, we are conditioned
to bury our vulnerability,
794
00:40:47,418 --> 00:40:49,623
so often with disastrous results.
795
00:40:51,648 --> 00:40:55,263
I find it inspiring, the way
that Darren has faced his demons.
796
00:40:56,487 --> 00:40:58,222
Jesus Christ.
797
00:40:59,848 --> 00:41:01,342
This is a first for me.
798
00:41:01,367 --> 00:41:04,263
I can't say I've ever had octopus
on my feet.
799
00:41:05,928 --> 00:41:08,653
As men, our emotions get tangled.
800
00:41:08,678 --> 00:41:13,063
We cannot always work them
through, unravel them.
801
00:41:13,088 --> 00:41:15,863
For me, the octopus is a great
metaphor
802
00:41:15,888 --> 00:41:19,903
for how we can talk about
masculinity.
803
00:41:19,928 --> 00:41:22,422
And then the octopus tentacle's
going around here,
804
00:41:22,447 --> 00:41:25,583
going to be like shackles as well,
805
00:41:25,608 --> 00:41:27,583
because then I think we're also
chained
806
00:41:27,608 --> 00:41:30,583
to concepts of masculinity.
807
00:41:30,608 --> 00:41:33,342
For me, it's the shackles
of PTSD and the police.
808
00:41:35,247 --> 00:41:36,903
I think everything you've just said
809
00:41:36,928 --> 00:41:39,903
is completely captured within that
photo.
810
00:41:48,317 --> 00:41:52,703
Secondary school harboured a
very warped version of masculinity,
811
00:41:52,728 --> 00:41:55,983
because it was very much
about dominance and popularity.
812
00:41:56,008 --> 00:41:57,193
You had to prove yourself,
813
00:41:57,218 --> 00:41:59,542
whether it was through courage,
through fighting.
814
00:41:59,567 --> 00:42:02,063
If you were seen to care too much,
you know,
815
00:42:02,088 --> 00:42:03,863
you could have been bullied for
that.
816
00:42:03,888 --> 00:42:07,943
If you weren't able to snog a girl,
817
00:42:07,968 --> 00:42:09,703
you would have been bullied for
that.
818
00:42:09,728 --> 00:42:13,703
And as you grow up, you continue
to reuse them patterns
819
00:42:13,728 --> 00:42:15,193
that are built into you,
820
00:42:15,218 --> 00:42:17,552
not realising that you should have
grown out of them
821
00:42:17,577 --> 00:42:19,983
as you truly turn into a real man.
822
00:42:20,008 --> 00:42:21,916
I think men ooze this confidence
823
00:42:21,941 --> 00:42:24,870
and this testosterone just comes
through,
824
00:42:24,895 --> 00:42:27,189
and they put on this poker face.
825
00:42:27,214 --> 00:42:32,550
But on the inside, they are quite
emotionally constipated
826
00:42:32,575 --> 00:42:37,160
and a lot of the thoughts and the
feelings are kept to themselves.
827
00:42:37,185 --> 00:42:40,470
I honestly don't know what
masculinity is
828
00:42:40,495 --> 00:42:43,080
and that's one of the reasons
I have trouble being it,
829
00:42:43,105 --> 00:42:45,880
because it's not a story I can tell
myself that I understand.
830
00:42:47,055 --> 00:42:50,910
Masculinity means obviously, men
and women look different.
831
00:42:50,935 --> 00:42:53,700
If you go back thousands of years,
832
00:42:53,725 --> 00:42:57,230
you've got, sort of, that primate,
caveman type thing,
833
00:42:57,255 --> 00:42:59,750
where men would look after the
women.
834
00:42:59,775 --> 00:43:02,550
So they've got to be tough and,
you know, protect their women,
835
00:43:02,575 --> 00:43:04,880
and go out and feed their family.
836
00:43:04,905 --> 00:43:07,519
So for me, that's really,
really important
837
00:43:07,544 --> 00:43:09,750
to be seen as a man.
838
00:43:12,055 --> 00:43:14,340
When I was five, for some reason,
839
00:43:14,365 --> 00:43:17,550
to me, the age six just seemed like
a boy's age,
840
00:43:17,575 --> 00:43:20,439
and so I thought I would wake
up on my sixth birthday,
841
00:43:20,464 --> 00:43:22,240
having wished for many, many years,
842
00:43:22,265 --> 00:43:25,059
every morning, I'd wake up and pray
that I'd be a boy,
843
00:43:25,084 --> 00:43:27,389
that it was going to happen on my
sixth birthday.
844
00:43:27,414 --> 00:43:29,269
And I said to the people around me,
845
00:43:29,294 --> 00:43:32,439
"I'm going to be a boy when I'm
six." And they're obviously like,
846
00:43:32,464 --> 00:43:33,670
"No, you're not."
847
00:43:35,414 --> 00:43:39,269
Puberty, for me was horrible,
really horrible.
848
00:43:39,294 --> 00:43:42,600
I knew from an early age
that I was going to grow breasts
849
00:43:42,625 --> 00:43:44,439
and have various things happen
850
00:43:44,464 --> 00:43:46,990
and the thought of that scared
the life out of me.
851
00:43:47,015 --> 00:43:48,550
And then you know it's coming
852
00:43:48,575 --> 00:43:50,910
and there's absolutely nothing
you can do to stop it.
853
00:43:50,935 --> 00:43:53,880
And your body just grows
in ways you don't want it to.
854
00:43:53,905 --> 00:43:55,519
I thought I was a freak.
855
00:43:58,214 --> 00:44:01,519
Having started hormones, obviously
my clitoris has grown,
856
00:44:01,544 --> 00:44:03,990
so effectively, it's a micropenis,
857
00:44:04,015 --> 00:44:05,990
and the clitoris has got, I don't
know,
858
00:44:06,015 --> 00:44:09,630
50 times more nerves, I think, than
a penis, so it's very sensitive.
859
00:44:09,655 --> 00:44:11,960
And if it's grown, it's gonna
be even more sensitive.
860
00:44:11,985 --> 00:44:14,030
It can become erect,
861
00:44:14,055 --> 00:44:17,110
which means you've got something
that effectively feels
862
00:44:17,135 --> 00:44:19,750
exactly the, you know,
it sexually feels nice.
863
00:44:19,775 --> 00:44:22,069
You can still orgasm.
864
00:44:22,094 --> 00:44:28,470
And for me, being a man is not
necessarily about that area.
865
00:44:28,495 --> 00:44:29,350
No one sees that.
866
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:31,030
So when I'm walking down the road
867
00:44:31,055 --> 00:44:34,269
and I go into a shop and buy a can
of Coke,
868
00:44:34,294 --> 00:44:37,069
that's the one area that doesn't
matter.
869
00:44:38,825 --> 00:44:42,550
I was in a relationship for about
ten years before I transitioned,
870
00:44:42,575 --> 00:44:44,910
and, you know, in terms
of the relationship itself,
871
00:44:44,935 --> 00:44:46,750
nothing changed.
872
00:44:46,775 --> 00:44:50,069
But what I find really weird is,
873
00:44:50,094 --> 00:44:53,319
before, I was seen as a straight
woman,
874
00:44:53,344 --> 00:44:56,389
so I was straight, and now I'm seen
as a gay man.
875
00:44:57,575 --> 00:45:01,269
We're still the same people
and the relationship's the same,
876
00:45:01,294 --> 00:45:05,240
but the world sees me as a
different...
877
00:45:06,375 --> 00:45:07,830
“sexuality.
878
00:45:10,705 --> 00:45:14,990
Our dicks helped shape us as men,
and how we navigate the world.
879
00:45:16,214 --> 00:45:17,680
And like the men I've met,
880
00:45:17,705 --> 00:45:20,350
that can be complicated and
beautiful.
881
00:45:21,625 --> 00:45:25,389
Now, as I stand, masculinity means,
to me,
882
00:45:25,414 --> 00:45:28,149
somebody who's not got anything to
prove.
883
00:45:28,174 --> 00:45:31,960
Somebody who can live truthful.
Somebody who can say no.
884
00:45:31,985 --> 00:45:35,630
Somebody who can express
their emotions.
885
00:45:35,655 --> 00:45:39,110
And somebody who can be honest with
themselves and others in this world.
886
00:45:40,705 --> 00:45:45,319
A good man to me kind of means
someone who is strong and courageous
887
00:45:45,344 --> 00:45:46,960
and not just, like, physically
strong,
888
00:45:46,985 --> 00:45:49,550
but with a sense of reliability
889
00:45:49,575 --> 00:45:53,960
and able to support people
around him.
890
00:45:53,985 --> 00:45:57,240
Someone who is comfortable and
controlled
891
00:45:57,265 --> 00:46:00,069
and doesn't feel the need to project
themselves onto others.
892
00:46:00,094 --> 00:46:02,399
I wanted to fuck with the rules,
893
00:46:02,424 --> 00:46:05,189
especially the one that tries
to define
894
00:46:05,214 --> 00:46:08,040
how we as men should think and act.
895
00:46:08,065 --> 00:46:11,350
I think being a man has changed
a lot in the last few years.
896
00:46:11,375 --> 00:46:12,830
We're all starting to realise
897
00:46:12,855 --> 00:46:16,790
that we're all probably not
as masculine as we all think we are.
898
00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:19,430
There's definitely been a massive
change for me
899
00:46:19,455 --> 00:46:22,430
in how men are with their emotional
selves.
900
00:46:22,455 --> 00:46:24,790
There is a dialogue that's
been opened up
901
00:46:24,815 --> 00:46:26,760
where men are allowed to talk about
pain.
902
00:46:26,785 --> 00:46:28,760
They're allowed to talk
about what they feel
903
00:46:28,785 --> 00:46:30,319
and why they feel it.
904
00:46:30,344 --> 00:46:32,790
And it's raised the bar
from survival to happiness.
905
00:46:32,815 --> 00:46:35,069
And I think now, men want
to be happy.
906
00:46:36,375 --> 00:46:40,710
We need to let men be whatever
they want to be.
907
00:46:40,735 --> 00:46:43,350
And I think we can do all that,
908
00:46:43,375 --> 00:46:46,350
without losing the joys
and the pleasures of the dick.
75481
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