All language subtitles for Jimmy Fallon 2020 10 23 Chelsea Handler WEB h264 BAE_track3_eng

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,000 >> Steve: FROM 2 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,000 ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART 3 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,010 OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE 4 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,010 TONIGHT SHOW" STARRING 5 00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:24,199 JIMMY FALLON 6 00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:24,199 TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS 7 00:00:24,199 --> 00:00:26,019 GUESTS - 8 00:00:24,199 --> 00:00:26,019 CHELSEA HANDLER, 9 00:00:26,019 --> 00:00:29,140 SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS 10 00:00:26,019 --> 00:00:29,140 MUSICAL GUEST THE WAR ON DRUGS 11 00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:30,100 AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY 12 00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:35,109 ROOTS CREW 13 00:00:32,060 --> 00:00:35,109 AND NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST, 14 00:00:32,219 --> 00:00:35,109 JIMMY FALLON 15 00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:47,119 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 16 00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:47,119 ♪ 17 00:00:47,119 --> 00:00:50,009 >> Jimmy: THAT'S YOUR FAULT, 18 00:00:47,119 --> 00:00:50,009 YEAH 19 00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:54,149 OH MY GOODNESS 20 00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:54,149 OH, HEY. 21 00:00:54,149 --> 00:00:56,140 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYONE. 22 00:00:54,149 --> 00:00:56,140 THANK YOU. 23 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,280 ON A FRIDAY! 24 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,280 THAT'S SOME FRIDAY LOVE RIGHT 25 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:02,140 THERE. 26 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:02,140 THANK YOU. 27 00:01:02,140 --> 00:01:03,170 WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW," 28 00:01:02,140 --> 00:01:03,170 EVERYBODY. 29 00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:05,189 LET'S GET TO THE NEWS AND 30 00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:05,189 JOKES. 31 00:01:05,189 --> 00:01:06,230 WELL, GUYS, EVERYONE IS STILL 32 00:01:05,189 --> 00:01:06,230 TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S 33 00:01:06,230 --> 00:01:09,250 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. 34 00:01:06,230 --> 00:01:09,250 BUT BASED ON THE EARLY RATINGS, 35 00:01:09,250 --> 00:01:14,219 IT HAD ABOUT 7 MILLION FEWER 36 00:01:09,250 --> 00:01:14,219 VIEWERS THAN THE FIRST ONE 37 00:01:14,219 --> 00:01:15,280 IT'S NOT THAT 7 MILLION PEOPLE 38 00:01:14,219 --> 00:01:15,280 CHOSE NOT TO WATCH, IT'S THAT 39 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,200 AFTER THE FIRST DEBATE THEY 40 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,200 LEFT THE COUNTRY 41 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,049 [ LAUGHTER ] 42 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,049 BUT BASED ON SOME SNAP POLLS, 43 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,239 TRUMP WON THE DEBATE BY 98% TO 44 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,239 2% 45 00:01:23,239 --> 00:01:29,239 THAT'S ACCORDING TO THE FAIR 46 00:01:23,239 --> 00:01:29,239 POLLING SITE 47 00:01:29,239 --> 00:01:34,250 "GUNTOTINGEAGLE.COM. 48 00:01:29,239 --> 00:01:34,250 [ LAUGHTER ] 49 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:37,270 BUT THIS IS INTERESTING, THE 50 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:37,270 TRUMP CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED THAT 51 00:01:37,270 --> 00:01:39,259 YESTERDAY WAS THEIR BIGGEST 52 00:01:37,270 --> 00:01:39,259 ONLINE FUNDRAISING DAY EVER, 53 00:01:39,259 --> 00:01:42,219 PULLING IN $26 MILLION 54 00:01:39,259 --> 00:01:42,219 WOW, HE REALLY HAS THE BIRD 55 00:01:42,219 --> 00:01:46,069 KILLING WIND AT HIS BACK 56 00:01:42,219 --> 00:01:46,069 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 57 00:01:46,069 --> 00:01:48,129 YEP, TRUMP RAISED $26 MILLION. 58 00:01:46,069 --> 00:01:48,129 TODAY, HE WAS LIKE, "SPEND A 59 00:01:48,129 --> 00:01:49,150 A MILLION ON TV ADS, PUT THE 60 00:01:48,129 --> 00:01:49,150 REST IN MY CHINESE BANK 61 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:55,280 ACCOUNT. 62 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:55,280 DID YOU SEE THIS 63 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,039 TWO OF TRUMP'S GUESTS LAST 64 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,039 NIGHT WERE KID ROCK AND GOLFER 65 00:01:57,039 --> 00:02:01,049 JOHN DALY. 66 00:01:57,039 --> 00:02:01,049 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. 67 00:02:01,049 --> 00:02:03,180 [ LAUGHTER ] 68 00:02:01,049 --> 00:02:03,180 THEY LOOK GREAT. 69 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:06,189 I THINK THEY BOUGHT THOSE 70 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:06,189 CLOTHES AT QANON MEMBERS ONLY. 71 00:02:06,189 --> 00:02:09,120 [ LAUGHTER ] 72 00:02:06,189 --> 00:02:09,120 YEP, TRUMP WANTED KID ROCK'S 73 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,110 SUPPORT, MOSTLY BECAUSE HE 74 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,110 THINKS KID ROCK IS 75 00:02:10,110 --> 00:02:17,079 DWAYNE JOHNSON'S SON 76 00:02:10,110 --> 00:02:17,079 [ LAUGHTER ] 77 00:02:17,079 --> 00:02:19,069 I SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF THEM 78 00:02:17,079 --> 00:02:19,069 IN 2024, THAT'S GOING TO BE THE 79 00:02:19,069 --> 00:02:22,189 REPUBLICAN TICKET. 80 00:02:19,069 --> 00:02:22,189 [ LAUGHTER ] 81 00:02:22,189 --> 00:02:23,240 MEANWHILE, AFTER THE DEBATE, 82 00:02:22,189 --> 00:02:23,240 DONALD TRUMP JR., WENT ON 83 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,240 FOX NEWS AND HE WAS REALLY 84 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,240 PUMPED ABOUT HIS DAD'S 85 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:28,020 PERFORMANCE. 86 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:28,020 I MEAN, REALLY PUMPED. 87 00:02:28,020 --> 00:02:33,189 WATCH THIS 88 00:02:28,020 --> 00:02:33,189 >> THE MEDIA RUNS RIGHT AWAY 89 00:02:33,189 --> 00:02:35,280 IT'S RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION. 90 00:02:33,189 --> 00:02:35,280 THERE'S LITERALLY ZERO EVIDENCE 91 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,139 THAT IT'S RUSSIAN 92 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,139 DISINFORMATION 93 00:02:37,139 --> 00:02:38,199 THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL 94 00:02:37,139 --> 00:02:38,199 INTELLIGENCE SAID -- AND BY THE 95 00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,259 WAY, MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE FBI 96 00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,259 SAID IT, AND I DON'T SAY THAT 97 00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,000 BECAUSE I THINK THE FBI HAS 98 00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,000 MORE CREDIBILITY, I SAY THAT 99 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,069 BECAUSE IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THAT 100 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,069 THE FBI HAS DONE WHATEVER THEY 101 00:02:42,069 --> 00:02:48,159 POSSIBLY COULD TO HURT 102 00:02:42,069 --> 00:02:48,159 DONALD TRUMP 103 00:02:48,159 --> 00:02:49,229 SO IF THEY'RE EVEN COMING OUT 104 00:02:48,159 --> 00:02:49,229 AND SAYING THIS, MEANING THE 105 00:02:49,229 --> 00:02:52,270 UPPER LEVELS OF THE FBI. 106 00:02:49,229 --> 00:02:52,270 THE DOOR KICKERS LOVE US, NOT 107 00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:56,050 SO MUCH THE BUREAUCRATS AT THE 108 00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:56,050 TOP. 109 00:02:56,050 --> 00:03:04,080 [ LAUGHTER ] 110 00:02:56,050 --> 00:03:04,080 >> Jimmy: OKAY 111 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,069 WAS HE DOUBLE PARKED OR 112 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,069 SOMETHING? 113 00:03:06,069 --> 00:03:12,099 [ LAUGHTER ] 114 00:03:06,069 --> 00:03:12,099 LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAS BEEN 115 00:03:12,099 --> 00:03:16,210 DIPPING INTO DADDY'S NUCLEAR 116 00:03:12,099 --> 00:03:16,210 POWERED STEROIDS 117 00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:17,270 HE SOUNDS LIKE A KINDERGARTENER 118 00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:17,270 WHO CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU 119 00:03:17,270 --> 00:03:19,170 ABOUT HIS DAY. 120 00:03:17,270 --> 00:03:19,170 AND THEN -- AND THEN -- AND 121 00:03:19,170 --> 00:03:21,069 THEN WE FINGER PAINTED, AND 122 00:03:19,170 --> 00:03:21,069 THEN WE ATE LUNCH, AND THEN WE 123 00:03:21,069 --> 00:03:22,210 PLAYED OUTSIDE, AND THEN WE -- 124 00:03:21,069 --> 00:03:22,210 AND THEN WE STUCK UP FOR 125 00:03:22,210 --> 00:03:25,079 RUSSIA, AND THEN - 126 00:03:22,210 --> 00:03:25,079 I DIDN'T KNOW IF I WAS WATCHING 127 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:29,189 "HANNITY" OR AN EPISODE OF 128 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:29,189 "NARCOS. 129 00:03:29,189 --> 00:03:33,099 [ LAUGHTER ] 130 00:03:29,189 --> 00:03:33,099 IN SIX MONTHS, DON JR. IS GOING 131 00:03:33,099 --> 00:03:36,090 TO BE AUCTIONING OFF UNCLAIMED 132 00:03:33,099 --> 00:03:36,090 STORAGE UNITS. 133 00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:41,259 [ LAUGHTER ] 134 00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:41,259 THAT WAS A GOOD -- 135 00:03:41,259 --> 00:03:43,000 HE SOUNDS LIKE THE GUY WHO 136 00:03:41,259 --> 00:03:43,000 READS THE SIDE EFFECTS ON THE 137 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:48,120 END OF A ZOLOFT COMMERCIAL 138 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:48,120 [ INDISCERNIBLE 139 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:52,099 SOUNDED LIKE EVERY CONVERSATION 140 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:52,099 THAT'S EVER HAPPENED AT A RAVE 141 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:57,219 [ LAUGHTER ] 142 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:57,219 WELL, WITH LESS THAN TWO WEEKS 143 00:03:57,219 --> 00:03:58,280 UNTIL THE ELECTION, THE 144 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:02,050 PRESIDENT IS CAMPAIGNING AS 145 00:04:00,069 --> 00:04:02,050 MUCH AS HE CAN 146 00:04:01,129 --> 00:04:02,050 TAKE A LOOK. 147 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,069 TO BEGIN A WHIRLWIND WEEKEND OF 148 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,069 CAMPAIGNING. 149 00:04:06,069 --> 00:04:07,199 HE'LL BE HEADING DOWN SOUTH FOR 150 00:04:06,069 --> 00:04:07,199 CAMPAIGN EVENTS IN THE 151 00:04:07,199 --> 00:04:10,199 VILLAGES, THEN A RALLY TONIGHT 152 00:04:07,199 --> 00:04:10,199 IN THE PANHANDLE AND PENSACOLA 153 00:04:10,199 --> 00:04:11,250 HE'LL BE STAYING OVERNIGHT IN 154 00:04:10,199 --> 00:04:11,250 FLORIDA, GETTING A CHANCE TO 155 00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:14,210 EARLY VOTE TOMORROW. 156 00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:14,210 HE'LL BE HOLDING RALLIES THIS 157 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,210 WEEKEND IN PLACES LIKE 158 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,210 NORTH CAROLINA, OHIO, AND 159 00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:19,100 WISCONSIN. 160 00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:19,100 AND THEN SUNDAY, ANOTHER RALLY 161 00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:22,269 IN NEW HAMPSHIRE 162 00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:22,269 >> Jimmy: HE'S STARTING TO TURN 163 00:04:22,269 --> 00:04:24,009 INTO THAT BAND WHERE YOU'RE 164 00:04:22,269 --> 00:04:24,009 JUST LIKE, WEREN'T THEY JUST 165 00:04:24,009 --> 00:04:28,189 HERE 166 00:04:24,009 --> 00:04:28,189 THE RALLIES AREN'T REALLY 167 00:04:28,189 --> 00:04:30,100 CHANGING TRUMP'S APPROVAL 168 00:04:28,189 --> 00:04:30,100 RATING 169 00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:35,079 HOWEVER, THE CORONAVIRUS 170 00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:35,079 NUMBERS ARE THROUGH THE ROOF 171 00:04:35,079 --> 00:04:37,230 TRUMP HASN'T WORKED THIS HARD 172 00:04:35,079 --> 00:04:37,230 SINCE HE HAD TO BE QUIET FOR 173 00:04:37,230 --> 00:04:39,090 TWO MINUTES AT THE DEBATE LAST 174 00:04:37,230 --> 00:04:39,090 NIGHT. 175 00:04:39,090 --> 00:04:42,209 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 176 00:04:39,090 --> 00:04:42,209 THIS IS PRETTY CRAZY 177 00:04:42,209 --> 00:04:43,269 A SECURITY RESEARCHER CLAIMS 178 00:04:42,209 --> 00:04:43,269 THAT HE WAS ABLE TO GET INTO 179 00:04:43,269 --> 00:04:48,079 TRUMP'S TWITTER ACCOUNT BY 180 00:04:43,269 --> 00:04:48,079 GUESSING HIS PASSWORD. 181 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:52,250 CHECK OUT WHAT IT WAS. 182 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:52,250 >> A DUTCH SECURITY RESEARCHER 183 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,230 WAS ABLE TO ACCESS 184 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,230 PRESIDENT TRUMP'S TWITTER 185 00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:56,110 ACCOUNT LAST WEEK BY GUESSING 186 00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:56,110 HIS PASSWORD 187 00:04:56,110 --> 00:05:01,019 MAGA 2020. 188 00:04:56,110 --> 00:05:01,019 [ LAUGHTER ] 189 00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:02,100 >> Jimmy: IF YOU'RE WORRIED 190 00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:02,100 ABOUT THE NUCLEAR CODES, DON'T 191 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,269 BE 192 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,269 THAT PASSWORD IS MAGA 2020 WITH 193 00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:08,120 TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS 194 00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:08,120 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 195 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,110 WELL, ANOTHER BIG STORY IS 196 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,110 EARLY VOTING 197 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,230 MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE DOING 198 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,230 IT 199 00:05:11,230 --> 00:05:13,160 TODAY ONE OF THEM WAS 200 00:05:11,230 --> 00:05:13,160 MIKE PENCE 201 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,209 HERE HE IS CASTING HIS BALLOT 202 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,209 IN INDIANA 203 00:05:16,209 --> 00:05:18,160 THE PENCE'S WERE EXCITED 204 00:05:16,209 --> 00:05:18,160 THEY HAVEN'T DONE A JOINT 205 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,120 THUMBS UP SINCE THEIR 206 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,120 HONEYMOON. 207 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:29,170 [ LAUGHTER ] 208 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:29,170 "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" 209 00:05:29,170 --> 00:05:34,189 "ALL RIGHT." 210 00:05:29,170 --> 00:05:34,189 SOME NEWS FROM OVERSEAS. 211 00:05:34,189 --> 00:05:38,170 >> Questlove: OKAY 212 00:05:34,189 --> 00:05:38,170 NEVERMIND. 213 00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:42,050 >> Jimmy: SOME NEWS FROM 214 00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:42,050 OVERSEAS, NORTH KOREA HAS 215 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,269 ORDERED A LOCKDOWN OVER 216 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,269 CONCERNS THAT YELLOW DUST FROM 217 00:05:43,269 --> 00:05:46,259 CHINA COULD SPREAD THE 218 00:05:43,269 --> 00:05:46,259 CORONAVIRUS. 219 00:05:46,259 --> 00:05:47,259 KIM JONG-UN MADE THE 220 00:05:46,259 --> 00:05:47,259 ANNOUNCEMENT, ALONG WITH HIS 221 00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:52,100 INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT, 222 00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:52,100 DR. KIM JONG-FAUCI 223 00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:56,240 [ LAUGHTER ] 224 00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:56,240 IF THE LOCKDOWN WASN'T BAD 225 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,149 ENOUGH, KIM JONG-UN IS NOW 226 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,149 FORCING EVERYONE TO DO A ZOOM 227 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:05,160 HAPPY HOUR 228 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:05,160 IF YOU THINK QUARANTINE IN 229 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,069 AMERICA IS BAD, OVER IN 230 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,069 NORTH KOREA, THE ONLY THING 231 00:06:07,069 --> 00:06:14,250 THEY HAVE ON NETFLIX IS "EMILY 232 00:06:07,069 --> 00:06:14,250 IN PYONGYANG." 233 00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:16,180 >> Questlove: NICE ONE 234 00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:16,180 >> Jimmy: YOU CAN GIVE ME 235 00:06:16,180 --> 00:06:18,100 A THING. 236 00:06:16,180 --> 00:06:18,100 >> Questlove: I GOT IT 237 00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:20,000 >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH 238 00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:20,000 IT'S JUST A MENTAL -- IT'S A 239 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,220 A SILENT - 240 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,220 >> Questlove: I GOT IT 241 00:06:21,220 --> 00:06:23,079 >> Jimmy: IT'S ALRIGHT 242 00:06:21,220 --> 00:06:23,079 [ RIMSHOT 243 00:06:23,079 --> 00:06:25,160 NO, NO 244 00:06:23,079 --> 00:06:25,160 THAT'S RIGHT 245 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,129 THAT'S HACKIE. 246 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,129 I KNOW 247 00:06:26,129 --> 00:06:29,079 YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. 248 00:06:26,129 --> 00:06:29,079 >> Questlove: I TAKE IT BACK 249 00:06:29,079 --> 00:06:30,199 >> Jimmy: OH, HE TOOK IT BACK. 250 00:06:29,079 --> 00:06:30,199 >> YEAH. 251 00:06:30,199 --> 00:06:32,290 [ APPLAUSE ] 252 00:06:30,199 --> 00:06:32,290 >> Jimmy: HE ACTUALLY REVERSED 253 00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:35,180 HIMSELF. 254 00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:35,180 HE REVERSED HIMSELF. 255 00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:41,060 THAT WAS AWESOME 256 00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:41,060 HEY, DID YOU SEE LAST NIGHT THE 257 00:06:41,060 --> 00:06:43,209 NEW YORK GIANTS WERE PLAYING 258 00:06:41,060 --> 00:06:43,209 SOME TEAM. 259 00:06:43,209 --> 00:06:46,139 >> Questlove: WHO? 260 00:06:43,209 --> 00:06:46,139 >> Jimmy: IT DOESN'T MATTER, 261 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:50,009 RIGHT? 262 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:50,009 THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES. 263 00:06:50,009 --> 00:06:55,040 >> Questlove: YEAH 264 00:06:50,009 --> 00:06:55,040 >> Jimmy: AND THE GIANTS 265 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,060 QUARTERBACK DANIEL JONES TRIED 266 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,060 RUNNING FOR AN 88-YARD 267 00:06:56,060 --> 00:07:02,110 TOUCHDOWN. 268 00:06:56,060 --> 00:07:02,110 LET'S SEE HOW THAT WENT. 269 00:07:02,110 --> 00:07:05,029 >> FROM THE 12 270 00:07:02,110 --> 00:07:05,029 JONES KEEPS. 271 00:07:05,029 --> 00:07:10,240 GETS A BLOCK 272 00:07:05,029 --> 00:07:10,240 TAKES OFF, AND HE IS GONE! 273 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:15,029 TRYING TO STAY UPRIGHT, AND HE 274 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:15,029 TRIPS! 275 00:07:15,029 --> 00:07:19,220 [ LAUGHTER ] 276 00:07:15,029 --> 00:07:19,220 >> Jimmy: THAT FELT LIKE 277 00:07:19,220 --> 00:07:21,189 RE-WATCHING THE LAST SEASON OF 278 00:07:19,220 --> 00:07:21,189 "GAME OF THRONES." 279 00:07:21,189 --> 00:07:26,180 LIKE, YES, YES, Y'ALL! 280 00:07:21,189 --> 00:07:26,180 WELL, THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING 281 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,250 UP, AND SOUTHWEST AIRLINES JUST 282 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,250 MADE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT 283 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:31,050 THEIR FLIGHTS. 284 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:31,050 TAKE A LOOK. 285 00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:32,100 >> SOUTHWEST AIRLINES IS 286 00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:32,100 DROPPING A PANDEMIC POLICY THAT 287 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:36,149 PROVIDED MORE SOCIAL DISTANCING 288 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:36,149 ON FLIGHTS 289 00:07:36,149 --> 00:07:37,180 IT WILL NO LONGER KEEP MIDDLE 290 00:07:36,149 --> 00:07:37,180 SEATS EMPTY, STARTING 291 00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:41,220 DECEMBER 1st 292 00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:41,220 SOUTHWEST SAYS AIR FILTERING 293 00:07:41,220 --> 00:07:46,259 AND MASKS HAVE CREATED HEALTHY 294 00:07:41,220 --> 00:07:46,259 ENVIRONMENTS ABOARD PLANES 295 00:07:46,259 --> 00:07:50,019 >> Jimmy: COME ON. 296 00:07:46,259 --> 00:07:50,019 IT'S SOUTHWEST 297 00:07:50,019 --> 00:07:51,240 THE WHOLE PLANE IS A MIDDLE 298 00:07:50,019 --> 00:07:51,240 SEAT 299 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:55,029 [ LAUGHTER ] 300 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:55,029 YOU ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE TO 301 00:07:55,029 --> 00:07:56,029 WORRY, BECAUSE EVEN THE 302 00:07:55,029 --> 00:07:56,029 CORONAVIRUS DOESN'T WANT 303 00:07:56,029 --> 00:07:59,199 ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE MIDDLE 304 00:07:56,029 --> 00:07:59,199 SEAT ON SOUTHWEST. 305 00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:02,069 THE MIDDLE SEAT ON SOUTHWEST 306 00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:02,069 I WOULD RATHER BE ON LOCKDOWN 307 00:08:02,069 --> 00:08:05,009 IN NORTH KOREA 308 00:08:02,069 --> 00:08:05,009 PRETTY SURE THE ONLY IN-FLIGHT 309 00:08:05,009 --> 00:08:06,170 ENTERTAINMENT THEY HAVE ON 310 00:08:05,009 --> 00:08:06,170 SOUTHWEST IS "EMILY IN 311 00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:14,120 PYONGYANG. 312 00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:14,120 [ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ] 313 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,170 AND FINALLY, GUINNESS IS ABOUT 314 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,170 TO UNVEIL ITS NEWEST PRODUCT 315 00:08:17,170 --> 00:08:22,060 LET'S SEE WHAT IT IS 316 00:08:17,170 --> 00:08:22,060 >> GUINNESS LAUNCHING ITS 317 00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:24,180 FIRST-EVER NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER. 318 00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:24,180 IT'S CALLED GUINNESS ZERO. 319 00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:25,259 IT TOOK THE COMPANY FOUR YEARS 320 00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:25,259 TO RE-CREATE THE SAME TASTE AS 321 00:08:25,259 --> 00:08:30,050 IT'S ORIGINAL STOUT WITHOUT THE 322 00:08:25,259 --> 00:08:30,050 ALCOHOL. 323 00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:31,120 >> Jimmy: IF YOU ORDER THAT IN 324 00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:31,120 IRELAND, YOU'RE MARCHED THROUGH 325 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:35,059 TOWN WHILE EVERYONE THROWS 326 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:35,059 ROTTEN VEGETABLES AT YOU 327 00:08:35,059 --> 00:08:40,200 SHAME, SHAME 328 00:08:35,059 --> 00:08:40,200 GUINNESS WITHOUT BOOZE 329 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,190 HERE'S HOW IRISH PEOPLE ARE 330 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,190 REACTING 331 00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:44,240 >> COME ON 332 00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:44,240 >> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO 333 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,120 WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW 334 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,120 GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS, 335 00:08:46,129 --> 00:08:47,120 EVERYBODY. 336 00:08:50,179 --> 00:09:02,220 ♪ 337 00:08:50,179 --> 00:09:02,220 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 338 00:09:02,220 --> 00:09:05,210 >> Jimmy: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW 339 00:09:02,220 --> 00:09:05,210 FOR YOU TONIGHT. 340 00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,129 I WANT TO SHOW YOU THIS RIGHT 341 00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,129 HERE 342 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,190 THIS IS MY NEW BOOK. 343 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,190 THIS IS "5 MORE SLEEPS 'TIL 344 00:09:09,190 --> 00:09:11,080 CHRISTMAS. 345 00:09:09,190 --> 00:09:11,080 CAN YOU SEE IT 346 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:16,149 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 347 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:16,149 IT COMES OUT ON TUESDAY. 348 00:09:16,149 --> 00:09:18,250 IT'S NOT EVEN OUT YET. 349 00:09:16,149 --> 00:09:18,250 SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M 350 00:09:18,250 --> 00:09:20,200 REALLY TALKING ABOUT IT. 351 00:09:18,250 --> 00:09:20,200 YOU KNOW WHY I'M TALKING ABOUT 352 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:24,240 IT, THOUGH 353 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:24,240 >> Tariq: DO WE GET A COPY 354 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,039 >> Jimmy: JUST PREORDER IT 355 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,039 NO, NOT EVERYONE IN THE 356 00:09:26,039 --> 00:09:28,100 AUDIENCE GETS COPIES 357 00:09:26,039 --> 00:09:28,100 NO 358 00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:29,259 THERE'S NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE 359 00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:29,259 HERE 360 00:09:29,259 --> 00:09:32,080 IT'S NOT OUT YET, SO I CAN'T 361 00:09:29,259 --> 00:09:32,080 EVEN GIVE IT AWAY. 362 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:36,190 BUT THIS IS -- WHAT'S HAPPENING 363 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:36,190 IS SHIPOCOLYPSE. 364 00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:40,200 >> Tariq: YEAH, WITH SHIPPING. 365 00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:40,200 >> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY RIGHT. 366 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,019 YEAH, THE SHIPOCOLYPSE 367 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,019 AND EVERYONE IS -- 368 00:09:43,019 --> 00:09:45,179 >> Tariq: I THOUGHT YOU SAID 369 00:09:43,019 --> 00:09:45,179 SOMETHING ELSE 370 00:09:45,179 --> 00:09:46,200 >> Jimmy: BUT YOU GUESSED 371 00:09:45,179 --> 00:09:46,200 SHIPPING 372 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,230 >> Tariq: NO 373 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,230 NO 374 00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,289 YEAH 375 00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,289 I FIGURED IT OUT 376 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:51,039 HEY, WHEN IT COMES OUT, IS IT 377 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:51,039 GOING TO BE LIKE A REAL BOOK 378 00:09:51,039 --> 00:09:56,090 WITH GLOSS AND ALL 379 00:09:51,039 --> 00:09:56,090 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 380 00:09:56,090 --> 00:09:58,240 >> Jimmy: REAL BOOKS DON'T HAVE 381 00:09:56,090 --> 00:09:58,240 GLOSS. 382 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:02,029 >> Tariq: I MEAN, HIGH QUALITY 383 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:02,029 >> Jimmy: I MEAN, IT'S GOING TO 384 00:10:02,029 --> 00:10:07,139 BE LIKE YOUR ALBUM COVERS. 385 00:10:02,029 --> 00:10:07,139 [ LAUGHTER ] 386 00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:09,059 >> Tariq: WHAT'S AN ALBUM 387 00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:09,059 COVER. 388 00:10:09,059 --> 00:10:11,240 [ LAUGHTER ] 389 00:10:09,059 --> 00:10:11,240 >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY, YOU'RE SO 390 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:14,230 YOUNG YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT 391 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:14,230 IS 392 00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:16,029 ANY WAY, IT'S AVAILABLE FOR 393 00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:16,029 PREORDER NOW 394 00:10:16,029 --> 00:10:18,149 IT COMES OUT ON TUESDAY. 395 00:10:16,029 --> 00:10:18,149 I'M VERY PROUD OF IT 396 00:10:18,149 --> 00:10:21,129 "5 MORE SLEEPS 'TIL CHRISTMAS. 397 00:10:18,149 --> 00:10:21,129 IT'S ABOUT TWO KIDS EXCITED FOR 398 00:10:21,129 --> 00:10:22,230 CHRISTMAS. 399 00:10:21,129 --> 00:10:22,230 AND I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT 400 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,149 I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT 401 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,149 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 402 00:10:24,149 --> 00:10:26,169 I GOT THREE MORE SLEEPS UNTIL I 403 00:10:24,149 --> 00:10:26,169 CAN TALK ABOUT FIVE MORE 404 00:10:26,169 --> 00:10:28,000 SLEEPS 405 00:10:26,169 --> 00:10:28,000 WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 406 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,289 TONIGHT. 407 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,289 YOU CAN SEE HER NEW STAND-UP 408 00:10:29,289 --> 00:10:32,139 SPECIAL "CHELSEA HANDLER: 409 00:10:29,289 --> 00:10:32,139 EVOLUTION" ON "HBO MAX." 410 00:10:32,139 --> 00:10:34,169 CHELSEA HANDLER IS HERE 411 00:10:32,139 --> 00:10:34,169 TONIGHT. 412 00:10:34,169 --> 00:10:37,230 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 413 00:10:34,169 --> 00:10:37,230 PLUS, HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE 414 00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:39,279 ELECTION, SENATOR 415 00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:39,279 BERNIE SANDERS IS ON THE SHOW. 416 00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:43,230 [ APPLAUSE ] 417 00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:43,230 AND THEIR NEW ALBUM, "LIVE 418 00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:47,039 DRUGS," COMES OUT 419 00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:47,039 NOVEMBER 20th. 420 00:10:47,039 --> 00:10:48,230 WE HAVE MUSIC FROM THE WAR ON 421 00:10:47,039 --> 00:10:48,230 DRUGS. 422 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:53,169 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 423 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:53,169 GUYS, IT IS THE END OF THE 424 00:10:53,169 --> 00:10:54,230 WEEK 425 00:10:53,169 --> 00:10:54,230 AND, THAT'S USUALLY WHEN I 426 00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:55,289 CATCH UP WITH SOME PERSONAL 427 00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:55,289 STUFF. 428 00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:58,019 YOU KNOW, I CHECK MY INBOX OR 429 00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:58,019 RETURN SOME EMAILS, AND, OF 430 00:10:58,019 --> 00:11:00,240 COURSE, SEND OUT "THANK YOU 431 00:10:58,019 --> 00:11:00,240 NOTES. 432 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,269 WELL, I WAS RUNNING A BIT 433 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,269 BEHIND, SO I THOUGHT IF YOU 434 00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:03,009 GUYS WOULDN'T MIND, I WOULD 435 00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:03,009 LIKE TO WRITE OUT MY WEEKLY 436 00:11:03,009 --> 00:11:08,039 THANK YOU NOTES RIGHT NOW. 437 00:11:03,009 --> 00:11:08,039 JAMES, CAN I GET SOME THANK YOU 438 00:11:08,039 --> 00:11:17,059 NOTE WRITING MUSIC, PLEASE 439 00:11:08,039 --> 00:11:17,059 ♪ 440 00:11:17,059 --> 00:11:22,169 YOU MOVED A LITTLE BIT 441 00:11:17,059 --> 00:11:22,169 A LITTLE BIT OF MOVEMENT THERE 442 00:11:22,169 --> 00:11:24,059 ♪ 443 00:11:22,169 --> 00:11:24,059 THANK YOU, CANDY CORN, FOR 444 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,049 LOOKING LIKE A 5-YEAR-OLD'S 445 00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,049 FINGER PAINTING OF 446 00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:32,179 DONALD TRUMP 447 00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:32,179 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 448 00:11:32,179 --> 00:11:35,019 M♪ 449 00:11:32,179 --> 00:11:35,019 THANK YOU, APPLE PICKING, FOR 450 00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:36,100 GIVING COUPLES WHO ARE TIRED OF 451 00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:36,100 GETTING INTO FIGHTS AT IKEA AN 452 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:44,259 OUTDOOR ALTERNATIVE. 453 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:44,259 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 454 00:11:44,259 --> 00:11:49,039 I'M GOING TO PUT THEM IN THE 455 00:11:44,259 --> 00:11:49,039 ENVELOPE LATER 456 00:11:49,039 --> 00:11:51,100 >> Tariq: I MEAN, WOW, YOU 457 00:11:49,039 --> 00:11:51,100 REALLY ARE PHONING IT IN TODAY, 458 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:56,000 HUH? 459 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:56,000 THERE'S NO GLOSS 460 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,039 >> Jimmy: NO, IT'S NOT -- NO, 461 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,039 THERE IS NEVER GOING TO BE 462 00:11:57,039 --> 00:12:01,039 GLOSS. 463 00:11:57,039 --> 00:12:01,039 >> Tariq: OKAY 464 00:12:01,039 --> 00:12:02,139 SO HOW COME YOU'RE NOT PUTTING 465 00:12:01,039 --> 00:12:02,139 THEM IN THE ENVELOPE NOW 466 00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:05,059 BECAUSE OF SHIPOCOLYPSE? 467 00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:05,059 >> Jimmy: NO 468 00:12:05,059 --> 00:12:06,120 I'M NOT DOING IT, BECAUSE I 469 00:12:05,059 --> 00:12:06,120 FIGURED, WELL, IT JUST TAKES A 470 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,250 A LITTLE EXTRA BEAT OF TIME. 471 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,250 I'LL LICK THE ENVELOPES ON THE 472 00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:11,120 NEXT TWO 473 00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:11,120 >> Tariq: DUDE, AFTER LIKE 474 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,179 17 YEARS OF, LIKE, YOU KNOW, 475 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,179 THANK YOU NOTES WHERE YOU PUT 476 00:12:12,179 --> 00:12:18,129 IT IN THE ENVELOPE 477 00:12:12,179 --> 00:12:18,129 NOW WE CAN'T EVEN LOOK FORWARD 478 00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:24,000 TO THAT ON A FRIDAY. 479 00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:24,000 GREAT. 480 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,250 >> Jimmy: TARIQ, NOT EVERYTHING 481 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,250 CAN BE AS GLOSSY AS YOUR SHOES 482 00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:32,090 [ LAUGHTER ] 483 00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:32,090 ♪ 484 00:12:32,090 --> 00:12:38,090 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 485 00:12:32,090 --> 00:12:38,090 >> Questlove: I SAW YOU 486 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,049 SEARCHING AND SEARCHING AND 487 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,049 SEARCHING. 488 00:12:40,049 --> 00:12:46,149 [ LAUGHTER ] 489 00:12:40,049 --> 00:12:46,149 YOU GOT ME 490 00:12:46,149 --> 00:12:47,240 YOU GOT ME 491 00:12:46,149 --> 00:12:47,240 OKAY 492 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:51,200 ♪ 493 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:51,200 >> Jimmy: ALRIGHT, COME ON, 494 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:55,049 JAMES. 495 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:55,049 ♪ 496 00:12:55,049 --> 00:12:56,090 THANK YOU, DUNKIN'S NEW SPICY 497 00:12:55,049 --> 00:12:56,090 GHOST PEPPER DONUTS FOR 498 00:12:56,090 --> 00:13:03,039 EXPLAINING THEIR NEW SLOGAN, 499 00:12:56,090 --> 00:13:03,039 AMERICAN GETS RUNS ON DUNKIN 500 00:13:03,039 --> 00:13:12,159 [ LAUGHTER ] 501 00:13:03,039 --> 00:13:12,159 THAT'S FOR YOU 502 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,250 ♪ 503 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,250 THANK YOU, PUMPKIN CARVING, FOR 504 00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:16,009 TEACHING KIDS THAT HALLOWEEN 505 00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:16,009 ISN'T JUST ABOUT TAKING CANDY 506 00:13:16,009 --> 00:13:20,179 FROM STRANGERS 507 00:13:16,009 --> 00:13:20,179 IT'S ALSO ABOUT PLAYING WITH 508 00:13:20,179 --> 00:13:23,210 KNIVES 509 00:13:20,179 --> 00:13:23,210 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 510 00:13:23,210 --> 00:13:31,179 ♪ 511 00:13:23,210 --> 00:13:31,179 THANK YOU, LEAVES TURNING RED, 512 00:13:31,179 --> 00:13:45,259 OR AS TREES PUT IT, "OMG, THIS 513 00:13:31,179 --> 00:13:45,259 IS SO EMBARRASSING." 514 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:51,200 AMERICA GETS RUNS. 515 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:51,200 ♪ 516 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:56,250 THANK YOU, REMOVING THE A.C. 517 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:56,250 WINDOW UNIT AT THE END OF 518 00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:57,289 SUMMER, FOR BEING THE ONLY 519 00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:57,289 CHORE THAT LEADS TO A POSSIBLE 520 00:13:57,289 --> 00:14:00,289 MANSLAUGHTER CHARGE IF I DO IT 521 00:13:57,289 --> 00:14:00,289 WRONG. 522 00:14:00,289 --> 00:14:08,250 [ LAUGHTER ] 523 00:14:00,289 --> 00:14:08,250 PACK EVERYTHING UP, WE'RE 524 00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:16,009 MOVING 525 00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:16,009 ♪ 526 00:14:16,009 --> 00:14:20,149 THANK YOU, HOT STONE MASSAGES, 527 00:14:16,009 --> 00:14:20,149 FOR THE CALMING SENSATION OF 528 00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:22,210 BEING BRANDED. 529 00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:22,210 [ APPLAUSE ] 530 00:14:22,210 --> 00:14:24,039 THERE YOU HAVE IT. 531 00:14:22,210 --> 00:14:24,039 THOSE ARE MY "THANK YOU NOTES," 532 00:14:24,039 --> 00:14:25,100 EVERYBODY. 533 00:14:24,039 --> 00:14:25,100 WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW 534 00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:26,250 COME ON BACK 535 00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:26,250 MORE "TONIGHT SHOW." 536 00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:53,220 ♪ 537 00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:53,220 >> Jimmy: MY FIRST GUEST IS ONE 538 00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:56,009 OF MY FAVORITES. 539 00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:56,009 SHE'S A FIVE-TIME NUMBER ONE 540 00:14:56,009 --> 00:14:59,190 "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST SELLING 541 00:14:56,009 --> 00:14:59,190 AUTHOR, AND A VERY, VERY 542 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:03,019 TALENTED COMEDIENNE. 543 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:03,019 HER NEW STANDUP SPECIAL 544 00:15:03,019 --> 00:15:07,059 "CHELSEA HANDLER, EVOLUTION" IS 545 00:15:03,019 --> 00:15:07,059 STREAMING NOW ON HBOMAX. 546 00:15:07,059 --> 00:15:10,009 HERE IS THE ALWAYS ENTERTAINING 547 00:15:07,059 --> 00:15:10,009 CHELSEA HANDLER! 548 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:13,259 HI, CHELSEA. 549 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:13,259 WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW 550 00:15:13,259 --> 00:15:17,039 YOU LOOK GREAT, BUD. 551 00:15:13,259 --> 00:15:17,039 THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING ON 552 00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:20,029 THE SHOW, AND ACTUALLY I WANT 553 00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:20,029 TO THANK YOU FOR COMING ON THE 554 00:15:20,029 --> 00:15:23,009 SHOW BACK WHEN WE FIRST STARTED 555 00:15:20,029 --> 00:15:23,009 DOING THE SHOW FROM HOME, FROM 556 00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,240 THE -- WHERE WE STARTED THE 557 00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,240 QUARANTINE, EARLY IN THE 558 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,049 QUARANTINE 559 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,049 >> YEAH, YOU WEREN'T IN A GOOD 560 00:15:26,049 --> 00:15:28,220 WAY WHEN THE QUARANTINE 561 00:15:26,049 --> 00:15:28,220 STARTED. 562 00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:30,179 I REMEMBER 563 00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:30,179 YOU WERE LIKE -- I WAS LIKE, 564 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,059 "HE BETTER GET BACK TO WORK 565 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,059 SOON." 566 00:15:32,059 --> 00:15:36,149 YOU WERE LIKE, "HOW LONG AM I 567 00:15:32,059 --> 00:15:36,149 GOING TO HAVE TO STAY HOME?" 568 00:15:36,149 --> 00:15:39,169 I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. 569 00:15:36,149 --> 00:15:39,169 I REMEMBER GETTING OFF OF OUR 570 00:15:39,169 --> 00:15:42,129 ZOOM AND I WAS LIKE, "HE'S NOT 571 00:15:39,169 --> 00:15:42,129 GOING TO LIKE THIS 572 00:15:42,129 --> 00:15:45,210 HE'S NOT LIKING QUARANTINE AT 573 00:15:42,129 --> 00:15:45,210 ALL. 574 00:15:45,210 --> 00:15:47,230 >> Jimmy: THAT WAS CHALLENGING, 575 00:15:45,210 --> 00:15:47,230 MAN. 576 00:15:47,230 --> 00:15:49,159 BUT I DID -- NOW I LOOK BACK 577 00:15:47,230 --> 00:15:49,159 AND I GO, "OH, YEAH, I THINK IT 578 00:15:49,159 --> 00:15:52,240 WAS FUN, THE HOME SHOWS. 579 00:15:49,159 --> 00:15:52,240 >> YEAH. 580 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,269 >> Jimmy: BUT I DON'T REMEMBER 581 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,269 THEM REALLY. 582 00:15:53,269 --> 00:15:55,230 IT JUST LIKE -- JUST HAPPENED 583 00:15:53,269 --> 00:15:55,230 SO FAST. 584 00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:58,179 IT WAS JUST ME -- IT WAS NANCY 585 00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:58,179 AND I. 586 00:15:58,179 --> 00:15:59,269 THERE WAS NO ONE -- DID I SAY 587 00:15:58,179 --> 00:15:59,269 ME AND NANCY 588 00:15:59,269 --> 00:16:01,269 JUST ME AND NANCY. 589 00:15:59,269 --> 00:16:01,269 >> IT'S JUST NANCY AND ME IS 590 00:16:01,269 --> 00:16:05,110 REALLY WHAT YOU SHOULD BE 591 00:16:01,269 --> 00:16:05,110 SAYING 592 00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:07,100 I MEAN, I HATE TO CONSTANTLY GO 593 00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:07,100 OVER GRAMMAR WITH YOU. 594 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,149 IT'S EXHAUSTING. 595 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,149 >> Jimmy: WE JUST STARTED THE 596 00:16:09,149 --> 00:16:10,259 INTERVIEW. 597 00:16:09,149 --> 00:16:10,259 THAT'S ONE 598 00:16:10,259 --> 00:16:12,250 >> I KNOW. 599 00:16:10,259 --> 00:16:12,250 >> Jimmy: I GET THREE STRIKES. 600 00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:15,070 >> IN THIS INTERVIEW, YOU GET 601 00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:15,070 THREE STRIKES. 602 00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:16,259 IN OUR HISTORY - 603 00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:16,259 >> Jimmy: IN OUR HISTORY, OH, 604 00:16:16,259 --> 00:16:18,149 FORGET IT. 605 00:16:16,259 --> 00:16:18,149 I'M ALREADY -- OH, PLEASE. 606 00:16:18,149 --> 00:16:19,279 ARE YOU KIDDING ME 607 00:16:18,149 --> 00:16:19,279 I'M AWFUL. 608 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,269 I'M BAD WITH THAT. 609 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,269 I'VE GOT TO FIGURE THAT OUT. 610 00:16:21,269 --> 00:16:23,029 NEXT TIME I TALK TO YOU, YOU 611 00:16:21,269 --> 00:16:23,029 CAN TEST ME ON GRAMMAR AND SEE 612 00:16:23,029 --> 00:16:26,110 IF I'M GETTING BETTER. 613 00:16:23,029 --> 00:16:26,110 >> ALL RIGHT, THAT SOUNDS LIKE 614 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,129 A FAIR SHAKE 615 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,129 THANK YOU. 616 00:16:28,129 --> 00:16:29,190 >> Jimmy: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A 617 00:16:28,129 --> 00:16:29,190 A REALLY EXCITING PART OF THE 618 00:16:29,190 --> 00:16:30,220 INTERVIEW. 619 00:16:29,190 --> 00:16:30,220 >> YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE AN 620 00:16:30,220 --> 00:16:34,039 EPISODE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE 621 00:16:30,220 --> 00:16:34,039 DYING TO SEE 622 00:16:34,039 --> 00:16:37,179 >> Jimmy: "OH DID SEE IT 623 00:16:34,039 --> 00:16:37,179 CHELSEA GRAMMAR EPISODE? 624 00:16:37,179 --> 00:16:39,139 >> CHELSEA -- CHELSEA GRAMMAR. 625 00:16:37,179 --> 00:16:39,139 I CAN TEAM UP WITH 626 00:16:39,139 --> 00:16:42,100 KELSEY GRAMMER 627 00:16:39,139 --> 00:16:42,100 AND WE CAN BOTH DOUBLE TEAM YOU 628 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,289 ON YOUR GRAMMAR. 629 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,289 >> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE YOUR 630 00:16:44,289 --> 00:16:47,169 HALLOWEEN COSTUME YET? 631 00:16:44,289 --> 00:16:47,169 IF NOT, YOU COULD BE CHELSEA 632 00:16:47,169 --> 00:16:49,159 GRAMMAR. 633 00:16:47,169 --> 00:16:49,159 >> THAT'S IT 634 00:16:49,159 --> 00:16:51,220 >> Jimmy: I'M JUST SAYING. 635 00:16:49,159 --> 00:16:51,220 ARE YOU A HALLOWEEN PERSON 636 00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:55,000 I FEEL LIKE YOU WERE AND NOW 637 00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:55,000 YOU'RE NOT 638 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,100 >> IT'S WEIRD THAT YOU WOULD 639 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,100 THINK THAT, BUT I'M NOT INTO 640 00:16:56,100 --> 00:17:00,240 DRESSING UP. 641 00:16:56,100 --> 00:17:00,240 I FEEL LIKE IT'S DEGRADING 642 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,100 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN 643 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,100 >> Jimmy: YEAH 644 00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:03,159 >> I'M NOT INTO COSTUMES 645 00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:03,159 YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT, AND I 646 00:17:03,159 --> 00:17:04,150 DON'T HAVE A GOOD SPORT 647 00:17:03,159 --> 00:17:04,150 ATTITUDE 648 00:17:04,150 --> 00:17:05,279 I'M KIND OF LIKE A SCROOGE WHEN 649 00:17:04,150 --> 00:17:05,279 IT COMES TO PEOPLE TELLING ME 650 00:17:05,279 --> 00:17:08,099 WHAT TO DO ON A CERTAIN DAY OF 651 00:17:05,279 --> 00:17:08,099 THE YEAR 652 00:17:08,099 --> 00:17:15,170 I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT 653 00:17:08,099 --> 00:17:15,170 [ LAUGHTER ] 654 00:17:15,170 --> 00:17:16,240 IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS, "NO, DON'T 655 00:17:15,170 --> 00:17:16,240 TELL ME WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO 656 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,289 GIVE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY 657 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,289 GIFTS AND CELEBRATE SOMETHING I 658 00:17:17,289 --> 00:17:26,180 DON'T EACH BELIEVE IN. 659 00:17:17,289 --> 00:17:26,180 >> Jimmy: I AGREE WITH YOU 660 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:28,039 "MOTHER, DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU 661 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:28,039 WANT FOR CHRISTMAS 662 00:17:28,039 --> 00:17:29,200 THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA -- NO, 663 00:17:28,039 --> 00:17:29,200 I'M GIVING A GIFT. 664 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,150 I'M JUST GIVING AND EITHER YOU 665 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,150 TAKE IT AND 'GO WOW, OKAY.'" 666 00:17:32,150 --> 00:17:35,069 >> YEAH. 667 00:17:32,150 --> 00:17:35,069 >> Jimmy: YOU GET WHAT YOU GET 668 00:17:35,069 --> 00:17:37,119 >> THIS CHRISTMAS IS GOING TO 669 00:17:35,069 --> 00:17:37,119 BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE LIKE -- 670 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:42,000 YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU, I SPENT 671 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:42,000 A LOT OF TIME WITH MY FAMILY 672 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,119 BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME, THEY 673 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,119 DESCENDED UPON MY HOUSE WHEN 674 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:47,240 QUARANTINE STARTED 675 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:47,240 MY SISTER, SIMONE, WHO I USED 676 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,170 TO LIKE A LOT MORE, AND HER 677 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,170 THREE CHILDREN 678 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,119 THEY LIVED WITH ME FOR TWO 679 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,119 MONTHS 680 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:55,039 AND THAT WAS, YOU KNOW, 681 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:55,039 WONDERFUL TO SEE MY HOUSE BEING 682 00:17:55,039 --> 00:17:58,029 USED IN THAT WAY 683 00:17:55,039 --> 00:17:58,029 BUT IT WAS A LOT OF TIME WITH 684 00:17:58,029 --> 00:18:01,109 CHILDREN THAT I CHOSE NOT TO 685 00:17:58,029 --> 00:18:01,109 HAVE ON MY OWN, YOU KNOW 686 00:18:01,109 --> 00:18:03,000 SO IT FELT LIKE, WAIT A SECOND, 687 00:18:01,109 --> 00:18:03,000 I MADE THE RIGHT DECISIONS IN 688 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,140 MY LIFE, YET I'M BEING 689 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,140 PUNISHED 690 00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:10,130 AND THEN OVER THE SUMMER, WE 691 00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:10,130 WENT ON FOR LIKE A TWO-WEEK 692 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:12,220 FAMILY VACATION WITH MY ENTIRE 693 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:12,220 FAMILY 694 00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:15,049 >> Jimmy: AWW. 695 00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:15,049 >> AND WITH ALL MY NIECES AND 696 00:18:15,049 --> 00:18:16,059 NEPHEWS. 697 00:18:15,049 --> 00:18:16,059 SO FOR CHRISTMAS, THEY'RE LIKE, 698 00:18:16,059 --> 00:18:18,049 "WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR 699 00:18:16,059 --> 00:18:18,049 CHRISTMAS? 700 00:18:18,049 --> 00:18:20,250 AND WE USUALLY GO FOR CANADA 701 00:18:18,049 --> 00:18:20,250 I'M LIKE, "WE CAN'T GET INTO 702 00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:23,140 CANADA THIS YEAR, BECAUSE WE'RE 703 00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:23,140 PARIAHS. 704 00:18:23,140 --> 00:18:26,150 WE CAN'T GO SKIING." 705 00:18:23,140 --> 00:18:26,150 I SAID, "SO I GUESS EVERYONE IS 706 00:18:26,150 --> 00:18:28,210 ON THEIR OWN THIS YEAR FOR 707 00:18:26,150 --> 00:18:28,210 COVID. 708 00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:34,279 YOU KNOW, WE ALREADY HAD THE 709 00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:34,279 VACATION AT MARTHA'S VINEYARD. 710 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,170 AND MY BROTHER ACTUALLY HAD THE 711 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,170 AUDACITY TO SAY TO ME, "WHAT 712 00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:38,220 ABOUT YOU COMING EAST AND WE 713 00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:38,220 ALL GO SKIING IN VERMONT?" 714 00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:41,170 I GO, "I DON'T THINK YOU'RE 715 00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:41,170 GETTING THE MESSAGE. 716 00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:43,029 I'M NOT CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS 717 00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:43,029 WITH YOU GUYS, OKAY? 718 00:18:43,029 --> 00:18:45,029 I WANT TO BE ALONE." 719 00:18:43,029 --> 00:18:45,029 >> Jimmy: NO 720 00:18:45,029 --> 00:18:47,109 YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T GO TO 721 00:18:45,029 --> 00:18:47,109 YOU, WE GO TO A PLACE. 722 00:18:47,109 --> 00:18:49,029 BUT I'M NOT GONNA GO -- WHAT 723 00:18:47,109 --> 00:18:49,029 ARE WE -- I THINK YOU'RE GOING 724 00:18:49,029 --> 00:18:52,180 TO GO. 725 00:18:49,029 --> 00:18:52,180 >> I'M NOT GOING TO VERMONT. 726 00:18:52,180 --> 00:18:53,250 I'M NOT. 727 00:18:52,180 --> 00:18:53,250 >> Jimmy: TURNS OUT I DON'T 728 00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:56,170 KNOW YOU AT ALL. 729 00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:56,170 >> NO, YOU DON'T 730 00:18:56,170 --> 00:18:57,250 IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THE MORE 731 00:18:56,170 --> 00:18:57,250 WE TALK THE LESS IT SEEMS LIKE 732 00:18:57,250 --> 00:19:00,150 YOU KNOW 733 00:18:57,250 --> 00:19:00,150 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 734 00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,220 >> Jimmy: I'VE READ THE BOOKS, 735 00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,220 I'VE SEEN THE SPECIALS, I WATCH 736 00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:05,059 THE SHOW 737 00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:05,059 I'VE WATCHED -- I'VE SEEN 738 00:19:05,059 --> 00:19:07,049 EVERYTHING, THE WHOLE -- THE 739 00:19:05,059 --> 00:19:07,049 EVOLUTION. 740 00:19:07,049 --> 00:19:09,240 I'M NOT SEGUEING YET, BUT THE 741 00:19:07,049 --> 00:19:09,240 EVOLUTION OF YOUR CAREER 742 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,230 I'VE BEEN THERE. 743 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,230 WE'RE GETTING CLOSE. 744 00:19:11,230 --> 00:19:13,019 >> YOU HAVE. 745 00:19:11,230 --> 00:19:13,019 >> Jimmy: I HAVE THE LONG 746 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,000 SETUP. 747 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,000 SO I SAY EVOLUTION, THEN 748 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,059 EVENTUALLY WE'LL GET TO THE 749 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,059 SETUP. 750 00:19:17,059 --> 00:19:19,059 BUT NOT YET. 751 00:19:17,059 --> 00:19:19,059 >> OKAY, SHOULD I JUST WAIT 752 00:19:19,059 --> 00:19:20,279 HERE 753 00:19:19,059 --> 00:19:20,279 SHOULD I JUST WAIT HERE? 754 00:19:20,279 --> 00:19:22,200 >> Jimmy: YES. 755 00:19:20,279 --> 00:19:22,200 YOU SHOULD JUST WAIT THERE 756 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,150 I WAS THINKING IS MY GRAMMAR 757 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,150 CORRECT ON THAT? 758 00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:28,180 YOU'RE VERY OPEN ABOUT HOW 759 00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:28,180 THERAPY HAS HELPED YOU BECOME 760 00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:34,220 A MORE PATIENT PERSON IN SOME 761 00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:34,220 WAYS 762 00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:36,170 IS THAT SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE 763 00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:36,170 TO WORK ON ALL THE TIME AND 764 00:19:36,170 --> 00:19:39,089 STILL DO 765 00:19:36,170 --> 00:19:39,089 >> WELL, YES 766 00:19:39,089 --> 00:19:41,029 I MEAN, FOR SURE 767 00:19:39,089 --> 00:19:41,029 IF I COULD HAVE LEARNED HOW TO 768 00:19:41,029 --> 00:19:44,130 GET A HANDLE ON MY PATIENCE, 769 00:19:41,029 --> 00:19:44,130 ANYONE CAN 770 00:19:44,130 --> 00:19:47,210 AND YOU KNOW, YOU THINK YOU'RE 771 00:19:44,130 --> 00:19:47,210 DOING WELL, LIKE I -- YOU KNOW, 772 00:19:47,210 --> 00:19:48,269 I'M MAKING A LOT OF 773 00:19:47,210 --> 00:19:48,269 IMPROVEMENTS, I'M LESS 774 00:19:48,269 --> 00:19:53,019 REACTIVE 775 00:19:48,269 --> 00:19:53,019 BUT WHEN I CAME HOME THE LAST 776 00:19:53,019 --> 00:19:54,279 TRIP, I HAD BEEN GONE TWO 777 00:19:53,019 --> 00:19:54,279 MONTHS 778 00:19:54,279 --> 00:19:56,140 I WENT AND SHOT MY SPECIAL, I 779 00:19:54,279 --> 00:19:56,140 WENT ON MY FAMILY VACATION, 780 00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:59,150 THEN I RENTED A HOUSE IN MAINE 781 00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:59,150 FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. 782 00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:03,269 AND I CAME HOME AND MY 783 00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:03,269 ASSISTANT HAD HAD ALL THE DECKS 784 00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:07,190 PAINTED BLACK, DARK, DARK 785 00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:07,190 BLACK. 786 00:20:07,190 --> 00:20:10,240 PAINT ON MY WOOD, MY EPAY WOOD, 787 00:20:07,190 --> 00:20:10,240 AND MY HOUSE 788 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,220 AND THIS IS -- AND I THINK, YOU 789 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,220 KNOW, LIKE "OH, I'M REASONABLE 790 00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:16,099 I'M A RATIONAL PERSON. 791 00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:16,099 I WALKED OUTSIDE, SAW MY -- AND 792 00:20:16,099 --> 00:20:18,259 MY DECKS, AND MY HOUSE, AND 793 00:20:16,099 --> 00:20:18,259 COMPASS, EVERYTHING. 794 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,140 AND I WENT OFF 795 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,140 I WAS LIKE, "HOW COULD YOU 796 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:25,160 THINK THAT I WOULD THINK THAT 797 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:25,160 THIS WOULD LOOK GOOD 798 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,220 BLACK PAINT! 799 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,220 >> Jimmy: YEAH 800 00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:28,210 >> I GO, "IT'S TOO HOT TO EVEN 801 00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:28,210 WALK ON. 802 00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:31,289 THE DOGS ARE GOING TO SCALD 803 00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:31,289 THEIR LITTLE BABY PAWS." 804 00:20:31,289 --> 00:20:33,150 AND THEN -- I COULDN'T BELIEVE 805 00:20:31,289 --> 00:20:33,150 IT 806 00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,240 I GO, "HOW COULD YOU THINK I 807 00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,240 WOULD LIKE PAINT?" 808 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,180 >> Jimmy: YES. 809 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,180 >> "HOW COULD YOU PAINT WOOD 810 00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:37,240 AND HOW COULD PAINT IT THIS 811 00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:37,240 COLOR? 812 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,029 >> Jimmy: "AM I A PERSON THAT 813 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,029 LOOKS LIKE THEY LIKE PAINTED 814 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,190 WOOD 815 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,190 DON'T YOU KNOW ME? 816 00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:43,210 >> YEAH, AND I LOOKED -- AND 817 00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:43,210 I'M LIKE - 818 00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:46,059 AS SOON AS IT'S OUT AND I'M 819 00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:46,059 SCREAMING AND SAYING THESE 820 00:20:46,059 --> 00:20:48,119 WORDS AND BEING SUCH A SMALL 821 00:20:46,059 --> 00:20:48,119 PERSON AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY 822 00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:50,240 STUPID DECKS WHEN WE'RE IN THE 823 00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:50,240 MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC, I WAS 824 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,230 LIKE "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT 825 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,230 UP, YOU'RE BEING A BITCH 826 00:20:52,230 --> 00:20:55,220 SHUT UP, SHUT UP 827 00:20:52,230 --> 00:20:55,220 STOP TALKING 828 00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,029 STOP TALKING." 829 00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,029 AND I'M LIKE, "YOU THINK YOU'RE 830 00:20:57,029 --> 00:20:58,079 ALL, YOU KNOW, FIXED OR BETTER 831 00:20:57,029 --> 00:20:58,079 AND THEN YOU HAVE A SLIP-UP 832 00:20:58,079 --> 00:21:02,079 LIKE THAT," AND THAT WAS 833 00:20:58,079 --> 00:21:02,079 EMBARRASSING 834 00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:04,170 I HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO MY 835 00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:04,170 ASSISTANT 'CAUSE I HAD AN 836 00:21:04,170 --> 00:21:06,089 OUTBURST LIKE I HADN'T HAD IN 837 00:21:04,170 --> 00:21:06,089 YEARS. 838 00:21:06,089 --> 00:21:09,019 SO IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS 839 00:21:06,089 --> 00:21:09,019 >> Jimmy: YEAH, I HAVE TO CALL 840 00:21:09,019 --> 00:21:12,130 YOUR THERAPIST, 'CAUSE I HAVE 841 00:21:09,019 --> 00:21:12,130 THE SAME PROBLEM 842 00:21:12,130 --> 00:21:15,019 DID YOU -- LET'S GET INTO 843 00:21:12,130 --> 00:21:15,019 SOMETHING LESS STRESSFUL 844 00:21:15,019 --> 00:21:16,240 DID YOU WATCH THE DEBATE LAST 845 00:21:15,019 --> 00:21:16,240 NIGHT? 846 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,160 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 847 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,160 >> YOU KNOW WHAT 848 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,220 I TOOK MYSELF OUT TO DINNER 849 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,220 INSTEAD OF WATCHING THE DEBATE, 850 00:21:20,220 --> 00:21:22,019 BECAUSE I HEARD THAT IDIOT TALK 851 00:21:20,220 --> 00:21:22,019 FOR FOUR YEARS AND I DON'T NEED 852 00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:30,240 TO HEAR HIM SAY ANOTHER WORD 853 00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:30,240 I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. 854 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,279 MY BLOOD PRESSURE, YOU COULD 855 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,279 ALREADY TELL WHEN I GET 856 00:21:31,279 --> 00:21:33,220 AGGRAVATED 857 00:21:31,279 --> 00:21:33,220 IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ANYBODY. 858 00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:35,049 >> Jimmy: NO 859 00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:35,049 >> SO I CAN'T WATCH HIM TALK 860 00:21:35,049 --> 00:21:38,000 NO THANKS. 861 00:21:35,049 --> 00:21:38,000 >> Jimmy: I THINK -- GO. 862 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,029 >> AND YOU KNOW, YOU HEARD 863 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,029 ABOUT MY EX-BOYFRIEND, RIGHT 864 00:21:39,029 --> 00:21:44,079 50 CENT AND HIS SUPPORT OF 865 00:21:39,029 --> 00:21:44,079 DONALD TRUMP 866 00:21:44,079 --> 00:21:45,210 HOW HE TWEETED ABOUT IT. 867 00:21:44,079 --> 00:21:45,210 >> Jimmy: YEAH, WHAT'S GOING 868 00:21:45,210 --> 00:21:46,240 ON 869 00:21:45,210 --> 00:21:46,240 I SAW YOUR TWEETS AND I GO, 870 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,089 "WAIT, WHAT'S HAPPENING? 871 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,089 'CAUSE YOU SAID HE WAS YOUR 872 00:21:48,089 --> 00:21:51,210 FAVORITE EX-BOYFRIEND. 873 00:21:48,089 --> 00:21:51,210 AND THEN HE -- WHAT DOES HE DO 874 00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:54,089 HE'S SUPPORTING TRUMP? 875 00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:54,089 >> HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO 876 00:21:54,089 --> 00:21:55,099 PAY 62% OF TAXES, WHICH BY THE 877 00:21:54,089 --> 00:21:55,099 WAY, ISN'T A PLAN OF 878 00:21:55,099 --> 00:22:00,190 JOE BIDEN'S. 879 00:21:55,099 --> 00:22:00,190 THAT'S A LIE 880 00:22:00,190 --> 00:22:01,279 SO HE DOESN'T WANT TO PAY 62% 881 00:22:00,190 --> 00:22:01,279 OF TAXES BECAUSE HE DOESN'T 882 00:22:01,279 --> 00:22:07,089 WANT TO GO FROM BEING 50 CENT 883 00:22:01,279 --> 00:22:07,089 TO 20 CENT 884 00:22:07,089 --> 00:22:10,269 AND I -- AND I HAD TO REMIND 885 00:22:07,089 --> 00:22:10,269 HIM THAT HE WAS A BLACK PERSON 886 00:22:10,269 --> 00:22:12,160 SO HE CAN'T VOTE FOR 887 00:22:10,269 --> 00:22:12,160 DONALD TRUMP AND THAT HE 888 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,220 SHOULDN'T BE INFLUENCING AN 889 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,220 ENTIRE SWATH OF PEOPLE WHO MAY 890 00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:14,269 LISTEN TO HIM BECAUSE HE'S 891 00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:14,269 WORRIED ABOUT HIS OWN PERSONAL 892 00:22:14,269 --> 00:22:22,029 POCKETBOOK 893 00:22:14,269 --> 00:22:22,029 SO I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK FROM 894 00:22:22,029 --> 00:22:25,269 HIM YET, BUT I AM WILLING TO, 895 00:22:22,029 --> 00:22:25,269 YOU KNOW, SEAL THE DEAL IN MORE 896 00:22:25,269 --> 00:22:27,039 WAYS THAN ONE IF HE CHANGES HIS 897 00:22:25,269 --> 00:22:27,039 MIND AND PUBLICLY DENOUNCES 898 00:22:27,039 --> 00:22:31,240 DONALD TRUMP 899 00:22:27,039 --> 00:22:31,240 I MIGHT BE WILLING TO GO FOR 900 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,089 ANOTHER SPIN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT 901 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,089 I'M TALKING ABOUT. 902 00:22:35,089 --> 00:22:37,170 >> Jimmy: CHELSEA, I WANT TO 903 00:22:35,089 --> 00:22:37,170 TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW STANDUP 904 00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:42,119 SPECIAL, WHICH IS -- I HAVE SO 905 00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:42,119 MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT IT AND HOW 906 00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:45,069 YOU PULLED IT OFF. 907 00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:45,069 AND DO YOU MIND STICKING AROUND 908 00:22:45,069 --> 00:22:48,259 FOR TWO MORE MINUTES 909 00:22:45,069 --> 00:22:48,259 >> I WOULD LOVE TO 910 00:22:48,259 --> 00:22:50,279 >> Jimmy: MORE WITH 911 00:22:48,259 --> 00:22:50,279 CHELSEA HANDLER WHEN WE COME 912 00:22:50,279 --> 00:22:52,240 BACK 913 00:22:50,279 --> 00:22:52,240 STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. 914 00:22:52,240 --> 00:23:10,220 ♪ 915 00:22:52,240 --> 00:23:10,220 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK, 916 00:23:10,220 --> 00:23:11,210 EVERYBODY. 917 00:23:10,220 --> 00:23:11,210 I'M TALKING WITH 918 00:23:11,210 --> 00:23:14,180 CHELSEA HANDLER. 919 00:23:11,210 --> 00:23:14,180 CHELSEA, CONGRATS ON THE NEW 920 00:23:14,180 --> 00:23:18,039 STANDUP SPECIAL "EVOLUTION." 921 00:23:14,180 --> 00:23:18,039 STANDUP, I MEAN -- BY THE WAY, 922 00:23:18,039 --> 00:23:23,009 IT'S YOUR FIRST STANDUP IN SIX 923 00:23:18,039 --> 00:23:23,009 YEARS. 924 00:23:23,009 --> 00:23:26,230 I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT 925 00:23:23,009 --> 00:23:26,230 WHY HAS IT BEEN SIX YEARS? 926 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,220 >> WELL, BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE 927 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,220 REALLY ANYTHING TO SAY 928 00:23:28,220 --> 00:23:31,039 YOU KNOW, I KIND OF NEEDED A 929 00:23:28,220 --> 00:23:31,039 A TIME-OUT FROM EVERYTHING 930 00:23:31,039 --> 00:23:34,049 YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE 931 00:23:31,039 --> 00:23:34,049 ON A SHOW EVERY SINGLE DAY 932 00:23:34,049 --> 00:23:37,069 SO I KIND OF JUST BURNED OUT IN 933 00:23:34,049 --> 00:23:37,069 A BIG WAY. 934 00:23:37,069 --> 00:23:38,130 BUT WHEN I DID MY BOOK TOUR 935 00:23:37,069 --> 00:23:38,130 LAST YEAR AND I WAS DOING THE 936 00:23:38,130 --> 00:23:39,190 TOUR BEING INTERVIEWED BY 937 00:23:38,130 --> 00:23:39,190 PEOPLE, LIKE, ABOUT WHAT WAS IN 938 00:23:39,190 --> 00:23:44,230 THE BOOK 939 00:23:39,190 --> 00:23:44,230 AND AS I WAS TELLING THESE 940 00:23:44,230 --> 00:23:45,250 STORIES, I'M LIKE, "OH, I'M 941 00:23:44,230 --> 00:23:45,250 WARMING UP MY SET IN AN 942 00:23:45,250 --> 00:23:47,000 INTERVIEW STYLE SO THAT I CAN 943 00:23:45,250 --> 00:23:47,000 GET SOME LEGS UNDERNEATH IT 944 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,069 BEFORE I GET UP AND TRY STANDUP 945 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,069 AGAIN BECAUSE I HADN'T DONE IT 946 00:23:48,069 --> 00:23:57,079 SO LONG. 947 00:23:48,069 --> 00:23:57,079 I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IF ANYONE 948 00:23:57,079 --> 00:24:00,029 WOULD WANT ME TO DO IT OR WANT 949 00:23:57,079 --> 00:24:00,029 TO SEE ANYTHING I WAS DOING. 950 00:24:00,029 --> 00:24:01,089 YOU KNOW, OR IF I COULD SELL 951 00:24:00,029 --> 00:24:01,089 TICKETS IN THE SAME WAY BECAUSE 952 00:24:01,089 --> 00:24:05,099 I WASN'T ON A TV SHOW ALL THE 953 00:24:01,089 --> 00:24:05,099 TIME 954 00:24:05,099 --> 00:24:09,180 SO IT WAS A REAL HUMBLING, 955 00:24:05,099 --> 00:24:09,180 LIKE, FORAY OUT THERE. 956 00:24:09,180 --> 00:24:10,240 YOU KNOW, LIKE PUTTING MYSELF 957 00:24:09,180 --> 00:24:10,240 OUT THERE IN THAT WAY WAS GOOD 958 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:13,259 FOR ME BECAUSE I NEEDED TO KIND 959 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:13,259 OF GET A LITTLE HUMBLED. 960 00:24:13,259 --> 00:24:16,000 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN 961 00:24:13,259 --> 00:24:16,000 I WANTED TO REALLY GIVE 962 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,069 SOMETHING DURING THIS TIME 963 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,069 YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO PUT 964 00:24:18,069 --> 00:24:19,190 SOMETHING OUT THERE THAT WAS 965 00:24:18,069 --> 00:24:19,190 GOING TO BRING SOME RELIEF AND 966 00:24:19,190 --> 00:24:23,240 SOME JOY AND SOME HUMANITY TO 967 00:24:19,190 --> 00:24:23,240 THIS DARK TIME THAT WE'RE ALL 968 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,289 LIVING IN. 969 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,289 >> Jimmy: WE NEED IT RIGHT NOW 970 00:24:25,289 --> 00:24:30,009 WE NEED IT 971 00:24:25,289 --> 00:24:30,009 IT'S SO FUNNY, THE SPECIAL, BUT 972 00:24:30,009 --> 00:24:31,170 ALSO, IT'S -- RAW AND KIND OF 973 00:24:30,009 --> 00:24:31,170 EMOTIONAL. 974 00:24:31,170 --> 00:24:34,250 >> YEAH. 975 00:24:31,170 --> 00:24:34,250 >> Jimmy: AND YOU DO TALK ABOUT 976 00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:38,170 YOUR OLDER BROTHER, WHO DIED 977 00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:38,170 WHEN YOU WERE NINE AND THE 978 00:24:38,170 --> 00:24:42,220 IMPACT IT HAD ON YOU AND THE 979 00:24:38,170 --> 00:24:42,220 FAMILY 980 00:24:42,220 --> 00:24:45,130 YOU WENT THERE 981 00:24:42,220 --> 00:24:45,130 >> YEAH. 982 00:24:45,130 --> 00:24:48,089 I MEAN, IT ALWAYS WAS A THING 983 00:24:45,130 --> 00:24:48,089 FOR ME 984 00:24:48,089 --> 00:24:49,140 YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER WATCHING 985 00:24:48,089 --> 00:24:49,140 "STEEL MAGNOLIAS," YOU KNOW 986 00:24:49,140 --> 00:24:50,210 THAT SCENE WHERE JULIA ROBERTS' 987 00:24:49,140 --> 00:24:50,210 CHARACTER DIES AND SALLY FIELD 988 00:24:50,210 --> 00:24:51,259 IS HYSTERICALLY CRYING, AND 989 00:24:50,210 --> 00:24:51,259 SHE'S JUST, LIKE, "I JUST WANT 990 00:24:51,259 --> 00:24:59,089 TO HIT SOMEBODY, I JUST WANT TO 991 00:24:51,259 --> 00:24:59,089 HIT SOMEBODY." 992 00:24:59,089 --> 00:25:03,049 AND THEN, OLIVIA DUKAKIS IS 993 00:24:59,089 --> 00:25:03,049 LIKE "HERE, HIT WEEZA," AND 994 00:25:03,049 --> 00:25:06,000 THROWS HER IN HER FACE, RIGHT. 995 00:25:03,049 --> 00:25:06,000 [ LAUGHTER ] 996 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,029 SO YOU HAVE THAT PIVOT FROM 997 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,029 THAT HYSTERICAL, LIKE 998 00:25:07,029 --> 00:25:14,160 HYSTERICALLY CRYING TO THIS 999 00:25:07,029 --> 00:25:14,160 HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER AND JOY. 1000 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,240 AND I THOUGHT, "OH, WHEN I SAW 1001 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,240 "HANNAH GATSBY: SPECIAL" A FEW 1002 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,009 YEARS AGO AND SHE WAS ABLE TO 1003 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,009 DO THAT, I THOUGHT "OH, YOU CAN 1004 00:25:17,009 --> 00:25:18,029 DO THAT IN THIS MEDIUM." 1005 00:25:17,009 --> 00:25:18,029 YOU CAN BE ORIGINAL AND MAKE 1006 00:25:18,029 --> 00:25:27,289 IT -- I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN 1007 00:25:18,029 --> 00:25:27,289 MARRY THOSE MOMENTS. 1008 00:25:27,289 --> 00:25:32,200 YOU CAN STILL HAVE HYSTERICAL 1009 00:25:27,289 --> 00:25:32,200 JOKES FOR 45 MINUTES AND GET 1010 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,289 SERIOUS FOR FIVE MINUTES 1011 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,289 LIKE, THERE'S NO REASON THAT 1012 00:25:33,289 --> 00:25:35,049 THAT FORM IS, YOU KNOW, IT'S 1013 00:25:33,289 --> 00:25:35,049 NOT SO RIGID AND DEFINED AS IT 1014 00:25:35,049 --> 00:25:39,049 USED TO BE 1015 00:25:35,049 --> 00:25:39,049 SO IT WAS CHALLENGING AND IT 1016 00:25:39,049 --> 00:25:40,099 WAS JUST -- IT FEELS SO GOOD 1017 00:25:39,049 --> 00:25:40,099 THAT I WAS ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH 1018 00:25:40,099 --> 00:25:45,210 SOMETHING DURING COVID 1019 00:25:40,099 --> 00:25:45,210 >> Jimmy: BECAUSE I'VE NEVER 1020 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:48,289 SEEN YOU DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT 1021 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:48,289 USUALLY, IT'S ALL JOKES THE 1022 00:25:48,289 --> 00:25:51,140 WHOLE THING. 1023 00:25:48,289 --> 00:25:51,140 WHICH I LOVE 1024 00:25:51,140 --> 00:25:52,190 BUT THIS WAS A GOOD LITTLE 1025 00:25:51,140 --> 00:25:52,190 THING AND EVERYONE IS LIKE -- 1026 00:25:52,190 --> 00:25:53,250 AND AFTER READING YOUR LAST 1027 00:25:52,190 --> 00:25:53,250 BOOK, LEARNING MORE ABOUT YOU 1028 00:25:53,250 --> 00:25:59,259 AND YOUR FAMILY, IT'S A PERSON 1029 00:25:53,250 --> 00:25:59,259 UP THERE 1030 00:25:59,259 --> 00:26:04,269 BUT YOU DID IT PERFECTLY 1031 00:25:59,259 --> 00:26:04,269 YOU WROTE THE LINE PERFECTLY 1032 00:26:04,269 --> 00:26:07,089 AND YOU DID IT IN NEW JERSEY 1033 00:26:04,269 --> 00:26:07,089 >> THANK YOU 1034 00:26:07,089 --> 00:26:08,180 I DID IT IN NEW JERSEY 1035 00:26:07,089 --> 00:26:08,180 I THOUGHT IT WAS A NICE 1036 00:26:08,180 --> 00:26:12,140 HOMECOMING 1037 00:26:08,180 --> 00:26:12,140 I WANTED TO LIKE HAVE A NIGHT 1038 00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:14,200 OUT IN MY HOMETOWN WHERE PEOPLE 1039 00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:14,200 COULD COME, YOU HAVE TO 1040 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,250 QUARANTINE TO EVEN BE IN MY 1041 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,250 AUDIENCE 1042 00:26:16,250 --> 00:26:18,009 SO THESE PEOPLE, SOME OF THEM 1043 00:26:16,250 --> 00:26:18,009 HADN'T BEEN OUT FOR COVID THE 1044 00:26:18,009 --> 00:26:20,240 WHOLE TIME 1045 00:26:18,009 --> 00:26:20,240 AND THEN, BRINGING THEM INTO 1046 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:23,019 THIS BEAUTIFUL OUTDOOR TRAIN 1047 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:23,019 STATION, I CALL IT LIBERTY 1048 00:26:23,019 --> 00:26:27,029 STATION. 1049 00:26:23,019 --> 00:26:27,029 AND MY VIEW WAS OF THE 1050 00:26:27,029 --> 00:26:30,259 MANHATTAN SKYLINE. 1051 00:26:27,029 --> 00:26:30,259 SO IT JUST FELT GREAT TO LIKE 1052 00:26:30,259 --> 00:26:33,109 BRING THAT KIND OF RELIEF. 1053 00:26:30,259 --> 00:26:33,109 AND IT JUST REMINDED ME OF, 1054 00:26:33,109 --> 00:26:35,230 LIKE, "OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, 1055 00:26:33,109 --> 00:26:35,230 WE'VE GOT TO, LIKE -- PEOPLE 1056 00:26:35,230 --> 00:26:39,259 ARE DEPENDING ON US TO BRING 1057 00:26:35,230 --> 00:26:39,259 JOY AND LAUGHTER TO THIS TIME. 1058 00:26:39,259 --> 00:26:41,000 AND YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT AS 1059 00:26:39,259 --> 00:26:41,000 WELL AS I KNOW IT THAT IT'S 1060 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,099 A RESPONSIBILITY THAT WE SHOULD 1061 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,099 TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE IN, YOU 1062 00:26:42,099 --> 00:26:50,250 KNOW, IN HONORING AND BRING IT, 1063 00:26:42,099 --> 00:26:50,250 LIKE BRING IT. 1064 00:26:50,250 --> 00:26:53,140 BRING THE COMEDY, BRING THE 1065 00:26:50,250 --> 00:26:53,140 LAUGHTER, BRING ME SOMETHING 1066 00:26:53,140 --> 00:26:54,200 >> Jimmy: WE DON'T HAVE AN 1067 00:26:53,140 --> 00:26:54,200 OPTION RIGHT NOW 1068 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,150 WE HAVE TO DO IT 1069 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,150 YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP, YEAH. 1070 00:26:57,150 --> 00:26:59,200 IT'S AWESOME THAT YOU DID THIS 1071 00:26:57,150 --> 00:26:59,200 I LOVE IT, AND I LOVE -- DON'T 1072 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,259 FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM 1073 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,259 I LOVE THAT. 1074 00:27:01,259 --> 00:27:04,049 IT'S SO COOL 1075 00:27:01,259 --> 00:27:04,049 I WANT TO SHOW A CLIP. 1076 00:27:04,049 --> 00:27:04,240 HERE'S CHELSEA HANDLER IN HER 1077 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,259 STANDUP SPECIAL "EVOLUTION" ON 1078 00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:06,259 HBO MAX. 1079 00:27:05,269 --> 00:27:06,259 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. 1080 00:27:08,089 --> 00:27:09,140 >> I'M LIKE, I SPEND TONS OF 1081 00:27:08,089 --> 00:27:09,140 TIMES IN HOTELS AND I GET HOME 1082 00:27:09,140 --> 00:27:12,170 AT LIKE 1:00, 2:00 IN THE 1083 00:27:09,140 --> 00:27:12,170 MORNING. 1084 00:27:12,170 --> 00:27:13,240 I WANT MY SNACK AND I CALL DOWN 1085 00:27:12,170 --> 00:27:13,240 AND I ORDER WHAT I WANT FROM 1086 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:18,019 ROOM SERVICE 1087 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:18,019 AND THAT'S TOO SLOW. 1088 00:27:18,019 --> 00:27:20,240 AT 1:30 IN THE MORNING, THERE 1089 00:27:18,019 --> 00:27:20,240 SHOULD BE LIKE A DOUBLE SPEED, 1090 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,259 YOU KNOW, WHERE PEOPLE ARE 1091 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,259 QUICKER AND MORE ALERT OR JUST 1092 00:27:22,259 --> 00:27:26,019 QUICKER. 1093 00:27:22,259 --> 00:27:26,019 THEN THEY WANT TO REPEAT THE 1094 00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:29,000 ORDER BACK TO ME 1095 00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:29,000 IT'S LIKE, "PLEASE, WHATEVER 1096 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,250 YOU THINK YOU HEARD, JUST BRING 1097 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,250 DOUBLE." 1098 00:27:30,250 --> 00:27:33,250 [ LAUGHTER ] 1099 00:27:30,250 --> 00:27:33,250 AND DON'T SAY CHICKEN FINGERS 1100 00:27:33,250 --> 00:27:36,059 OUT LOUD AGAIN 1101 00:27:33,250 --> 00:27:36,059 I'M 45 YEARS OLD 1102 00:27:36,059 --> 00:27:38,109 I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS 1103 00:27:36,059 --> 00:27:38,109 CONVERSATION 1104 00:27:38,109 --> 00:27:40,099 >> Jimmy: CHELSEA HANDLER, 1105 00:27:38,109 --> 00:27:40,099 EVERYBODY. 1106 00:27:40,099 --> 00:27:43,049 "CHELSEA HANDLER: EVOLUTION" IS 1107 00:27:40,099 --> 00:27:43,049 STREAMING NOW ON HBO MAX 1108 00:27:43,049 --> 00:27:45,210 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 1109 00:27:43,049 --> 00:27:45,210 SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS 1110 00:27:45,210 --> 00:28:03,160 STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. 1111 00:27:45,210 --> 00:28:03,160 ♪ 1112 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:04,220 >> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A 1113 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:04,220 A SENATOR FROM THE GREAT STATE 1114 00:28:04,220 --> 00:28:07,069 OF VERMONT 1115 00:28:04,220 --> 00:28:07,069 I'M PLEASED TO WELCOME HIM BACK 1116 00:28:07,069 --> 00:28:10,279 TO THE SHOW. 1117 00:28:07,069 --> 00:28:10,279 HERE IS SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS 1118 00:28:10,279 --> 00:28:14,099 HEY, SENATOR SANDERS 1119 00:28:10,279 --> 00:28:14,099 YOU LOOK GREAT 1120 00:28:14,099 --> 00:28:15,200 REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN 1121 00:28:14,099 --> 00:28:15,200 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING 1122 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,069 HERE 1123 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,069 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, JIMMY 1124 00:28:19,069 --> 00:28:20,259 >> Jimmy: THERE'S A LOT TO TALK 1125 00:28:19,069 --> 00:28:20,259 ABOUT. 1126 00:28:20,259 --> 00:28:22,019 FIRST, I WOULD LOVE TO GET YOUR 1127 00:28:20,259 --> 00:28:22,019 THOUGHTS ON LAST NIGHT'S 1128 00:28:22,019 --> 00:28:25,279 DEBATE 1129 00:28:22,019 --> 00:28:25,279 >> WELL, WHAT I THINK IS THAT 1130 00:28:25,279 --> 00:28:30,029 IT WAS CERTAINLY NOT AS CRAZY 1131 00:28:25,279 --> 00:28:30,029 A DEBATE AS THE FIRST DEBATE 1132 00:28:30,029 --> 00:28:32,069 >> Jimmy: YEAH 1133 00:28:30,029 --> 00:28:32,069 >> BUT I CONTINUE TO BE 1134 00:28:32,069 --> 00:28:34,069 ASTOUNDED BY THE DEGREE TO 1135 00:28:32,069 --> 00:28:34,069 WHICH DONALD TRUMP LIES. 1136 00:28:34,069 --> 00:28:39,089 JUST LIES AND LIES AND LIES. 1137 00:28:34,069 --> 00:28:39,089 NOT ONLY HIS LIES, HIS DOWN 1138 00:28:39,089 --> 00:28:42,099 PLAYING OF THIS TERRIBLE 1139 00:28:39,089 --> 00:28:42,099 PANDEMIC FROM DAY ONE IS JUST 1140 00:28:42,099 --> 00:28:49,160 ASTOUNDING TO ME 1141 00:28:42,099 --> 00:28:49,160 AND I HOPE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE 1142 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:50,210 UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE OF HIS 1143 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:50,210 IRRESPONSIBILITY, BECAUSE OF 1144 00:28:50,210 --> 00:28:51,269 HIS REJECTION OF SCIENCE, HIS 1145 00:28:50,210 --> 00:28:51,269 ATTACKS ON DR. FAUCI THAT TENS 1146 00:28:51,269 --> 00:29:03,160 OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAVE 1147 00:28:51,269 --> 00:29:03,160 DIED UNNECESSARILY 1148 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,180 >> Jimmy: ONE OF THE THINGS I 1149 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,180 ADMIRED ABOUT YOU IS THAT YOU 1150 00:29:05,180 --> 00:29:06,240 ENDORSED VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, 1151 00:29:05,180 --> 00:29:06,240 ALTHOUGH YOU DON'T AGREE WITH 1152 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:14,069 HIM ON EVERY ISSUE 1153 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:14,069 I JUST THINK THAT SENDS -- WHAT 1154 00:29:14,069 --> 00:29:20,269 MESSAGE ARE YOU SENDING THERE? 1155 00:29:14,069 --> 00:29:20,269 >> WELL, THE MESSAGE IS THAT - 1156 00:29:20,269 --> 00:29:22,289 LET ME BE VERY FRANK, AND NOT 1157 00:29:20,269 --> 00:29:22,289 EVERYBODY WILL AGREE WITH ME, 1158 00:29:22,289 --> 00:29:24,059 BUT I THINK THAT DONALD TRUMP 1159 00:29:22,289 --> 00:29:24,059 IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PRESIDENT 1160 00:29:24,059 --> 00:29:25,109 IN THE MODERN HISTORY OF THIS 1161 00:29:24,059 --> 00:29:25,109 COUNTRY, AND IT'S NOT JUST 1162 00:29:25,109 --> 00:29:31,220 BECAUSE HE LIES ALL THE TIME 1163 00:29:25,109 --> 00:29:31,220 IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE HE 1164 00:29:31,220 --> 00:29:34,180 DOESN'T BELIEVE IN SCIENCE 1165 00:29:31,220 --> 00:29:34,180 IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE HE'S A 1166 00:29:34,180 --> 00:29:35,210 A RACIST OR A SEXIST OR 1167 00:29:34,180 --> 00:29:35,210 A HOMOPHOBE OR A XENOPHOBE, IT 1168 00:29:35,210 --> 00:29:36,200 IS BECAUSE HE IS QUITE 1169 00:29:35,210 --> 00:29:36,200 INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO 1170 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:46,079 UNDERMINE AMERICAN DEMOCRACY 1171 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:46,079 TRYING TO SUPPRESS THE VOTE. 1172 00:29:46,079 --> 00:29:50,190 WE ARE A DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY. 1173 00:29:46,079 --> 00:29:50,190 PEOPLE HAVE FOUGHT AND DIED TO 1174 00:29:50,190 --> 00:29:54,170 DEFEND OUR DEMOCRACY, AND WE 1175 00:29:50,190 --> 00:29:54,170 CANNOT RE-ELECT THE PRESIDENT 1176 00:29:54,170 --> 00:29:57,160 WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THE 1177 00:29:54,170 --> 00:29:57,160 RULE OF LAW, OUR CONSTITUTION, 1178 00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:01,259 OR IN FACT, OUR DEMOCRACY. 1179 00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:01,259 I HAVE KNOWN JOE FOR MANY, MANY 1180 00:30:01,259 --> 00:30:05,289 YEARS. 1181 00:30:01,259 --> 00:30:05,289 HE IS A VERY DECENT GUY. 1182 00:30:05,289 --> 00:30:07,069 AS YOU HAVE INDICATED, HE AND I 1183 00:30:05,289 --> 00:30:07,069 HAVE DIFFERENCES OF OPINIONS ON 1184 00:30:07,069 --> 00:30:10,119 A NUMBER OF ISSUES 1185 00:30:07,069 --> 00:30:10,119 BUT I CAN VOUCH FOR HIS DECENCY 1186 00:30:10,119 --> 00:30:15,269 AND HIS BELIEF IN THE RULE OF 1187 00:30:10,119 --> 00:30:15,269 LAW AND DEMOCRACY. 1188 00:30:15,269 --> 00:30:17,029 >> Jimmy: WHEN WAS THE FIRST 1189 00:30:15,269 --> 00:30:17,029 TIME -- DO YOU REMEMBER MEETING 1190 00:30:17,029 --> 00:30:21,039 JOE BIDEN, THE VICE PRESIDENT? 1191 00:30:17,029 --> 00:30:21,039 >> I DO. 1192 00:30:21,039 --> 00:30:24,119 HE WAS A SENATOR AND I WAS A 1193 00:30:21,039 --> 00:30:24,119 A SENATOR. 1194 00:30:24,119 --> 00:30:25,150 HE WAS AROUND FOR A VERY LONG 1195 00:30:24,119 --> 00:30:25,150 TIME 1196 00:30:25,150 --> 00:30:26,250 I WAS NEW. 1197 00:30:25,150 --> 00:30:26,250 AND THE THING I THINK THAT 1198 00:30:26,250 --> 00:30:27,279 PEOPLE WILL LEARN ABOUT 1199 00:30:26,250 --> 00:30:27,279 JOE BIDEN, HE IS A VERY, VERY 1200 00:30:27,279 --> 00:30:33,049 DOWN-TO-EARTH GUY. 1201 00:30:27,279 --> 00:30:33,049 MY WIFE REMEMBERS THE FIRST 1202 00:30:33,049 --> 00:30:37,130 TIME THAT SHE MET HIM, AND SHE 1203 00:30:33,049 --> 00:30:37,130 NEVER TALKED TO HIM AT ALL 1204 00:30:37,130 --> 00:30:39,119 HE SAT DOWN AND HE CHATTED WITH 1205 00:30:37,130 --> 00:30:39,119 HER ABOUT IRELAND, THEIR 1206 00:30:39,119 --> 00:30:41,079 FAMILIES BOTH COME FROM 1207 00:30:39,119 --> 00:30:41,079 IRELAND. 1208 00:30:41,079 --> 00:30:45,220 >> Jimmy: YEAH 1209 00:30:41,079 --> 00:30:45,220 >> VERY HUMAN GUY. 1210 00:30:45,220 --> 00:30:49,099 A VERY EMPATHETIC GUY. 1211 00:30:45,220 --> 00:30:49,099 >> Jimmy: ALTHOUGH THE ELECTION 1212 00:30:49,099 --> 00:30:50,160 IS NOVEMBER 3RD, AND IT'S BEEN 1213 00:30:49,099 --> 00:30:50,160 SAID WE WON'T KNOW THE RESULTS 1214 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:56,039 UNTIL DAYS LATER 1215 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:56,039 WHEN DO YOU THINK WE'LL KNOW 1216 00:30:56,039 --> 00:30:59,160 THE RESULTS? 1217 00:30:56,039 --> 00:30:59,160 >> JIMMY, YOU RAISE AN 1218 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:00,230 IMPORTANT POINT, AND I HOPE THE 1219 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:00,230 AMERICAN PEOPLE UNDERSTAND IT, 1220 00:31:00,230 --> 00:31:06,049 BECAUSE THIS IS SOMETHING I 1221 00:31:00,230 --> 00:31:06,049 WORRY ABOUT. 1222 00:31:06,049 --> 00:31:10,170 MY VIEW IS EVERY VOTE MUST BE 1223 00:31:06,049 --> 00:31:10,170 COUNTED. 1224 00:31:10,170 --> 00:31:13,269 FOR REASONS WHICH I DON'T HAVE 1225 00:31:10,170 --> 00:31:13,269 THE TIME TO GET INTO TONIGHT, 1226 00:31:13,269 --> 00:31:14,269 YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A 1227 00:31:13,269 --> 00:31:14,269 A SITUATION, I SUSPECT, IN 1228 00:31:14,269 --> 00:31:15,289 STATES LIKE PENNSYLVANIA, 1229 00:31:14,269 --> 00:31:15,289 MICHIGAN, WISCONSIN, OTHER 1230 00:31:15,289 --> 00:31:17,059 STATES, WHERE THEY ARE GOING TO 1231 00:31:15,289 --> 00:31:17,059 BE RECEIVING HUGE AMOUNTS OF 1232 00:31:17,059 --> 00:31:29,200 MAIL-IN BALLOTS. 1233 00:31:17,059 --> 00:31:29,200 AND UNLIKE STATES LIKE FLORIDA 1234 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:30,240 OR VERMONT, THEY'RE NOT ABLE, 1235 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:30,240 FOR BAD REASONS, TO BEGIN 1236 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:32,009 PROCESSING THOSE BALLOTS UNTIL, 1237 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:32,009 I DON'T KNOW, ELECTION DAY OR 1238 00:31:32,009 --> 00:31:43,250 MAYBE WHEN THE POLLS CLOSE 1239 00:31:32,009 --> 00:31:43,250 THAT MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE 1240 00:31:43,250 --> 00:31:48,000 STATES DEALING WITH PERHAPS 1241 00:31:43,250 --> 00:31:48,000 MILLIONS OF MAIL-IN BALLOTS. 1242 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,049 HERE IS MY WORRY 1243 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,049 WHAT POLLS SHOW, AND WHAT 1244 00:31:51,049 --> 00:31:53,279 STUDIES HAVE SHOWN IS THAT FOR 1245 00:31:51,049 --> 00:31:53,279 WHATEVER REASON, DEMOCRATS ARE 1246 00:31:53,279 --> 00:32:00,000 MORE LIKELY TO USE MAIL-IN 1247 00:31:53,279 --> 00:32:00,000 BALLOTS. 1248 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,069 REPUBLICANS ARE MORE LIKELY TO 1249 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,069 WALK INTO POLLING BOOTHS ON 1250 00:32:01,069 --> 00:32:06,099 ELECTION DAY 1251 00:32:01,069 --> 00:32:06,099 IT IS LIKELY THAT THE FIRST 1252 00:32:06,099 --> 00:32:07,170 VOTES THAT WILL BE COUNTED WILL 1253 00:32:06,099 --> 00:32:07,170 BE THOSE PEOPLE WHO CAME IN ON 1254 00:32:07,170 --> 00:32:13,289 ELECTION DAY, WHICH WILL BE 1255 00:32:07,170 --> 00:32:13,289 REPUBLICAN 1256 00:32:13,289 --> 00:32:16,160 AND HERE IS THE FEAR, AND I 1257 00:32:13,289 --> 00:32:16,160 HOPE EVERYBODY HEARS THIS. 1258 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:17,250 IT COULD WELL BE, I DON'T KNOW 1259 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:17,250 WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, NOBODY 1260 00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:20,220 DOES 1261 00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:20,220 BUT IT COULD WELL BE AT 1262 00:32:20,220 --> 00:32:21,269 10:00 ON ELECTION NIGHT, TRUMP 1263 00:32:20,220 --> 00:32:21,269 IS WINNING IN MICHIGAN, HE'S 1264 00:32:21,269 --> 00:32:23,029 WINNING IN PENNSYLVANIA, HE'S 1265 00:32:21,269 --> 00:32:23,029 WINNING IN WISCONSIN, AND HE 1266 00:32:23,029 --> 00:32:24,089 GETS ON THE TELEVISION AND HE 1267 00:32:23,029 --> 00:32:24,089 SAYS THANK YOU, AMERICANS, FOR 1268 00:32:24,089 --> 00:32:35,029 RE-ELECTING ME 1269 00:32:24,089 --> 00:32:35,029 IT'S ALL OVER. 1270 00:32:35,029 --> 00:32:38,130 HAVE A GOOD DAY. 1271 00:32:35,029 --> 00:32:38,130 BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY AND THE 1272 00:32:38,130 --> 00:32:41,259 DAY FOLLOWING, ALL OF THOSE 1273 00:32:38,130 --> 00:32:41,259 MAIL-IN BALLOTS START GETTING 1274 00:32:41,259 --> 00:32:46,099 COUNTED AND IT TURNS OUT THAT 1275 00:32:41,259 --> 00:32:46,099 BIDEN HAS WON THOSE STATES 1276 00:32:46,099 --> 00:32:47,160 AT WHICH POINT TRUMP SAYS, 1277 00:32:46,099 --> 00:32:47,160 "SEE, I TOLD WHOLE THING WAS 1278 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:51,279 FRAUDULENT 1279 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:51,279 I TOLD YOU THOSE MAIL-IN 1280 00:32:51,279 --> 00:32:55,130 BALLOTS WERE CROOKED 1281 00:32:51,279 --> 00:32:55,130 AND I'VE GOT -- WE'RE NOT GOING 1282 00:32:55,130 --> 00:33:00,109 TO LEAVE OFFICE. 1283 00:32:55,130 --> 00:33:00,109 SO THAT IS A WORRY THAT I AND 1284 00:33:00,109 --> 00:33:02,230 A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE 1285 00:33:00,109 --> 00:33:02,230 SO THE RESULTS, YOU KNOW, WE 1286 00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:05,009 DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED 1287 00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:05,009 MAYBE THE RESULTS WILL BE KNOWN 1288 00:33:05,009 --> 00:33:08,000 ON ELECTION NIGHT. 1289 00:33:05,009 --> 00:33:08,000 BUT PEOPLE SHOULD BE AWARE OF 1290 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:11,150 THAT POSSIBILITY 1291 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:11,150 >> Jimmy: I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE 1292 00:33:11,150 --> 00:33:17,279 BEEN WORKING WITH PEOPLE 1293 00:33:11,150 --> 00:33:17,279 RUNNING IN TEXAS 1294 00:33:17,279 --> 00:33:20,259 WHY IS TEXAS IMPORTANT 1295 00:33:17,279 --> 00:33:20,259 I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE 1296 00:33:20,259 --> 00:33:27,140 HIGHLIGHTING TEXAS 1297 00:33:20,259 --> 00:33:27,140 >> I THINK THAT TEXAS MAY BE -- 1298 00:33:27,140 --> 00:33:28,180 IN MANY WAYS, TEXAS IS THE 1299 00:33:27,140 --> 00:33:28,180 FUTURE OF PROGRESSIVE POLITICS 1300 00:33:28,180 --> 00:33:36,279 IN AMERICA 1301 00:33:28,180 --> 00:33:36,279 HISTORICALLY, BECAUSE THERE HAS 1302 00:33:36,279 --> 00:33:39,269 BEEN A LOT OF VOTER 1303 00:33:36,279 --> 00:33:39,269 SUPPRESSION. 1304 00:33:39,269 --> 00:33:42,289 TEXAS IS ONE OF THE STATES 1305 00:33:39,269 --> 00:33:42,289 WHERE THEIR REPUBLICAN STATE 1306 00:33:42,289 --> 00:33:45,049 GOVERNMENT HAS, FOR A LONG 1307 00:33:42,289 --> 00:33:45,049 TIME, TRIED TO MAKE IT AS 1308 00:33:45,049 --> 00:33:49,089 DIFFICULT AS POSSIBLE FOR 1309 00:33:45,049 --> 00:33:49,089 PEOPLE TO VOTE 1310 00:33:49,089 --> 00:33:50,160 BUT YOU HAVE FOLKS OVER THERE, 1311 00:33:49,089 --> 00:33:50,160 BETO O'ROURKE AND OTHERS ARE 1312 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:55,160 DOING A GREAT JOB REGISTERING 1313 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:55,160 PEOPLE, GETTING PEOPLE TO VOTE 1314 00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:56,210 THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IF 1315 00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:56,210 TEXAS BECOMES A BLUE STATE AND 1316 00:33:56,210 --> 00:33:57,279 A PROGRESSIVE STATE, AS I THINK 1317 00:33:56,210 --> 00:33:57,279 IT CAN, IT HAS A LOT OF YOUNG 1318 00:33:57,279 --> 00:34:05,049 PEOPLE 1319 00:33:57,279 --> 00:34:05,049 IT HAS A LOT OF LATINOS, A LOT 1320 00:34:05,049 --> 00:34:09,000 OF AFRICAN-AMERICANS 1321 00:34:05,049 --> 00:34:09,000 IT CAN BECOME A PROGRESSIVE 1322 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,090 STATE. 1323 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,090 AND IF THAT HAPPENS, AND IF 1324 00:34:12,090 --> 00:34:13,130 THOSE 38 ELECTORAL VOTES GO 1325 00:34:12,090 --> 00:34:13,130 DEMOCRATIC, THEN WE HAVE 1326 00:34:13,130 --> 00:34:17,150 CHANGED THE FACE OF AMERICAN 1327 00:34:13,130 --> 00:34:17,150 POLITICS 1328 00:34:17,150 --> 00:34:20,289 >> Jimmy: WOW. 1329 00:34:17,150 --> 00:34:20,289 I THINK THAT WOULD BE -- THAT 1330 00:34:20,289 --> 00:34:22,190 WOULD BE -- I MEAN, ARE PEOPLE 1331 00:34:20,289 --> 00:34:22,190 PREDICTING THAT? 1332 00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:25,269 OR THIS IS JUST YOUR PEOPLE? 1333 00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:25,269 >> THERE'S NO QUESTION THE 1334 00:34:25,269 --> 00:34:28,139 TREND IS WITH US 1335 00:34:25,269 --> 00:34:28,139 WHAT WE DON'T KNOW IS HOW IT 1336 00:34:28,139 --> 00:34:34,239 PLAYS OUT THIS ELECTION. 1337 00:34:28,139 --> 00:34:34,239 AND TO THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE 1338 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,130 WHO SAY, "OH, TEXAS IS A 1339 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,130 A CONSERVATIVE STATE." 1340 00:34:36,130 --> 00:34:38,289 TRUST ME, IT IS NOT. 1341 00:34:36,130 --> 00:34:38,289 YOU HAVE SOME GREAT, GREAT 1342 00:34:38,289 --> 00:34:43,010 PROGRESSIVE CANDIDATES WHO ARE 1343 00:34:38,289 --> 00:34:43,010 RUNNING FOR OFFICE WHO STAND A 1344 00:34:43,010 --> 00:34:47,079 A GREAT CHANCE TO WIN, AND THE 1345 00:34:43,010 --> 00:34:47,079 FUTURE IS WITH PROGRESSIVE 1346 00:34:47,079 --> 00:34:49,289 POLITICS IN TEXAS. 1347 00:34:47,079 --> 00:34:49,289 >> Jimmy: IT WILL BE 1348 00:34:49,289 --> 00:34:53,139 INTERESTING TO WATCH WHAT 1349 00:34:49,289 --> 00:34:53,139 HAPPENS IN TEXAS 1350 00:34:53,139 --> 00:34:55,199 BERNIE SANDERS, THANK YOU SO 1351 00:34:53,139 --> 00:34:55,199 MUCH FOR COMING BACK TO MY 1352 00:34:55,199 --> 00:34:58,000 SHOW 1353 00:34:55,199 --> 00:34:58,000 AND GIVE MY BEST TO THE 1354 00:34:58,000 --> 00:34:59,150 GRANDKIDS. 1355 00:34:58,000 --> 00:34:59,150 I KNOW WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT 1356 00:34:59,150 --> 00:35:02,239 THEM EVERY TIME YOU'RE ON. 1357 00:34:59,150 --> 00:35:02,239 YOU ALWAYS SMILE EVERY TIME I 1358 00:35:02,239 --> 00:35:05,099 BRING THEM UP. 1359 00:35:02,239 --> 00:35:05,099 BUT I APPRECIATE YOU COMING 1360 00:35:05,099 --> 00:35:06,269 BACK ON THE SHOW 1361 00:35:05,099 --> 00:35:06,269 IT MEANS A LOT TO ME, SO THANK 1362 00:35:06,269 --> 00:35:08,210 YOU. 1363 00:35:06,269 --> 00:35:08,210 SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS, 1364 00:35:08,210 --> 00:35:11,260 EVERYONE 1365 00:35:08,210 --> 00:35:11,260 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A 1366 00:35:11,260 --> 00:35:12,219 A PERFORMANCE FROM THE WAR ON 1367 00:35:11,260 --> 00:35:12,219 DRUGS. 1368 00:35:12,219 --> 00:35:27,119 STICK AROUND 1369 00:35:12,219 --> 00:35:27,119 ♪ 1370 00:35:27,119 --> 00:35:30,099 >> Jimmy: PERFORMING THEIR NEW 1371 00:35:27,119 --> 00:35:30,099 UNRELEASED SONG "OCEAN OF 1372 00:35:30,099 --> 00:35:31,059 DARKNESS," HERE IS THE WAR ON 1373 00:35:31,059 --> 00:35:52,130 DRUGS. 1374 00:35:32,260 --> 00:35:52,130 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1375 00:35:35,110 --> 00:35:52,130 ♪ 1376 00:35:59,130 --> 00:36:08,010 FOR JUST YOU AND M 1377 00:35:59,130 --> 00:36:08,010 GOT CAUGHT IN A CROSSWIN 1378 00:36:08,010 --> 00:36:17,010 UNFORTUNATELY ♪ 1379 00:36:08,010 --> 00:36:17,010 ♪ I FEEL LIKE AN ORPHAN 1380 00:36:17,010 --> 00:36:24,010 PLEASE COMFORT M 1381 00:36:17,010 --> 00:36:24,010 I WAS BORN IN 1382 00:36:24,010 --> 00:36:29,239 ROLLING WAVE ♪ 1383 00:36:24,010 --> 00:36:29,239 ♪ THE SEA NEVER END 1384 00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:34,250 I WAS TIRED OF WAITING 1385 00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:34,250 PULLING THE ROPE 1386 00:36:34,250 --> 00:36:41,079 FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD ♪ 1387 00:36:34,250 --> 00:36:41,079 ♪ AND NOW FLOWING AWAY INTO 1388 00:36:41,079 --> 00:36:45,170 THESE OCEANS OF DARKNESS 1389 00:36:41,079 --> 00:36:45,170 COME PULLING ME BACK 1390 00:36:45,170 --> 00:36:51,010 FOR GOOD ♪ 1391 00:36:45,170 --> 00:36:51,010 ♪ OOOH YEAH ♪ 1392 00:36:51,010 --> 00:37:00,059 ♪ 1393 00:36:51,010 --> 00:37:00,059 ♪ NOW YOU'RE JUST A 1394 00:37:00,059 --> 00:37:04,269 POOR BOY 1395 00:37:00,059 --> 00:37:04,269 YOUR BLOOD RUSHE 1396 00:37:04,269 --> 00:37:12,289 THROUGH ME ♪ 1397 00:37:04,269 --> 00:37:12,289 ♪ ALONE IN THIS GREAT DIVID 1398 00:37:12,289 --> 00:37:22,019 TO LOVE AND UNDERSTANDIN 1399 00:37:12,289 --> 00:37:22,019 ONCE I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD 1400 00:37:22,019 --> 00:37:31,039 I'D STARE AT THE CEILING ♪ 1401 00:37:22,019 --> 00:37:31,039 ♪ GET LOST IN A MEMOR 1402 00:37:31,039 --> 00:37:37,010 REMEMBER THE FEELING 1403 00:37:31,039 --> 00:37:37,010 I WAS TIRED OF WAITING 1404 00:37:37,010 --> 00:37:43,139 IN THE OLD ROAD♪ 1405 00:37:37,010 --> 00:37:43,139 ♪ FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD 1406 00:37:43,139 --> 00:37:48,159 AND NOW FLOATING AWAY INTO 1407 00:37:43,139 --> 00:37:48,159 THESE OCEANS OF DARKNESS 1408 00:37:48,159 --> 00:37:53,170 COME PULLING ME BACK ♪ 1409 00:37:48,159 --> 00:37:53,170 ♪ FOR GOO 1410 00:37:53,170 --> 00:38:13,079 OOOH YEAH ♪ 1411 00:37:53,170 --> 00:38:13,079 ♪ 1412 00:38:13,079 --> 00:38:17,210 ♪ I GOT CAUGHT IN THI 1413 00:38:13,079 --> 00:38:17,210 GREAT BIG WAVE 1414 00:38:17,210 --> 00:38:22,070 MY BLOOD RUSHE 1415 00:38:17,210 --> 00:38:22,070 THROUGH YOU ♪ 1416 00:38:22,070 --> 00:38:26,079 ♪ SOME MOMENTS AR 1417 00:38:22,070 --> 00:38:26,079 REAL MOONLIGHT 1418 00:38:26,079 --> 00:38:36,030 BEFORE THEY DESTROYED YO 1419 00:38:26,079 --> 00:38:36,030 I'M JUST A POOR OLD BOY ♪ 1420 00:38:36,030 --> 00:38:41,070 ♪ DROWNING AWAY 1421 00:38:36,030 --> 00:38:41,070 GOT CAUGHT I 1422 00:38:41,070 --> 00:38:48,030 THE CROSSFIR 1423 00:38:41,070 --> 00:38:48,030 UNFORTUNATELY ♪ 1424 00:38:48,030 --> 00:38:52,239 ♪ I WAS TIRED OF WAITIN 1425 00:38:48,030 --> 00:38:52,239 IN THE OLD ROA 1426 00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:58,280 FEELING MISUNDERSTOO 1427 00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:58,280 AND NOW FADING AWAY ♪ 1428 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:05,050 ♪ INTO THESE OCEANS OF DARKNESS 1429 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:05,050 COME PULLING ME BACK FOR GOO 1430 00:39:05,050 --> 00:39:08,130 YEAH ♪ 1431 00:39:05,050 --> 00:39:08,130 ♪ I'M TIRED OF WAITIN 1432 00:39:08,130 --> 00:39:11,019 MY LOVE OVERFLOWIN 1433 00:39:08,130 --> 00:39:11,019 THEY TOOK YOU FOR ALL THEY 1434 00:39:11,019 --> 00:39:16,289 COULD ♪ 1435 00:39:11,019 --> 00:39:16,289 ♪ AND NOW I'M FADING AWAY 1436 00:39:16,289 --> 00:39:19,210 INTO THESE 1437 00:39:16,289 --> 00:39:19,210 OCEANS OF DARKNESS 1438 00:39:19,210 --> 00:39:25,050 COMING PULLING ME BACK ♪ 1439 00:39:19,210 --> 00:39:25,050 ♪ FOR GOO 1440 00:39:25,050 --> 00:39:34,010 OOOH ♪ 1441 00:39:25,050 --> 00:39:34,010 ♪ 1442 00:39:34,010 --> 00:39:42,230 ♪ WOOO ♪ 1443 00:39:34,010 --> 00:39:42,230 ♪ 1444 00:39:42,230 --> 00:39:51,190 ♪ WOOO ♪ 1445 00:39:42,230 --> 00:39:51,190 ♪ 1446 00:39:51,190 --> 00:40:06,079 ♪ WOOO ♪ 1447 00:39:51,190 --> 00:40:06,079 ♪ 1448 00:40:06,079 --> 00:40:09,219 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1449 00:40:06,079 --> 00:40:09,219 >> Jimmy: THANK YOU TO THE WAR 1450 00:40:09,219 --> 00:40:11,170 ON DRUGS 1451 00:40:09,219 --> 00:40:11,170 STICK AROUND FOR MORE "TONIGHT 1452 00:40:11,170 --> 00:40:14,210 SHOW," EVERYBODY 1453 00:40:11,170 --> 00:40:14,210 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1454 00:40:14,210 --> 00:40:29,250 ♪ 1455 00:40:14,210 --> 00:40:29,250 >> Jimmy: THANK YOU ALL FOR 1456 00:40:29,250 --> 00:40:31,070 WATCHING 1457 00:40:29,250 --> 00:40:31,070 STAY SAFE OUT THERE. 1458 00:40:31,070 --> 00:40:33,000 WASH YOUR HANDS. 1459 00:40:31,070 --> 00:40:33,000 DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE. 1460 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,019 STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH 1461 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,019 SETH MEYERS. 1462 00:40:35,019 --> 00:40:40,260 GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY. 1463 00:40:35,019 --> 00:40:40,260 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 1464 00:40:40,260 --> 00:40:55,050 ♪ 90964

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.