Original subtitles

Hey, sexy. Hi.

I love that dress. Of course you do, Lorenzo.

You made it.

Hi, sweetie. Hey, guys.

Oh, there you are.

Lena. Hi.

You've done it again.

Well, it's all for you, Bradlee.

Gotta mingle.

Oh, the girls are by the pool.

MAN: Well, well, well, Lena.

So where's this sexy boy toy of yours hiding?

I didn't know you were a football fan, Patrick.

I've never watched a game.

I'm just a big fan of his old underwear ads.

Well, he's probably just getting out of the shower.

Let me go hurry his ass up.

Hi. Hey, babe.

ANNOUNCER: Start of the fourth quarter, Owens will throw.

He's got Brown wide open!

You have got to be kidding me.

Honey, just lemme finish the game,

I'll take ya to the movies.

Take me to the movies?

Hello!

There's a huge party going on downstairs.

Remember the catering trucks and the valet parkers?

Oh, shit, I forgot.

I'll tell you what you should forget about.

Football.

Because it's forgotten all about you.

Now, you're going to put this outfit on

that I bought you...

drag your drunken ass downstairs...

and mingle with my clients like a good boy.

Who am I? Elton John?

I ain't wearin' that shit.

Yes, you are.

I'm not your trained monkey, honey.

No.

You're much more expensive than that.

But I tell ya what.

If you're not downstairs in five minutes...

I'm gonna throw you outta my bed...

outta my house...

and outta my life.

Then you're gonna have to pay for your own bananas.

I'm just so mad at you

'cause you're not wearin' my gift.

Gift?

What gift?

It's like a I-love-you gift.

I left it in the closet for you.

Really?

Paul, I'm so excited.

I can't believe you did this.

Where'd you put it?

In the back, on the right.

Paul? Paul, what are you doing?

I think we need some alone time, honey,

so I'm gonna go take a cruise in your Bentley.

Don't you dare take my car, you drunken bastard!

I own you!

I love you.

( Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Saturday Night Special" playing )

LENA: Somebody please open this damn door!

Lena? Patrick?

Lena? Patrick.

What happened to you?

He locked me in the closet

and left me to die.

Oh, my God, he is deranged!

He thinks he can mess with me.

WOMAN: 911.

* It's a Saturday Night Special *

( siren wailing ) Oh, man.

Here come the party poopers.

* Ain't good for nothin' *

* But put a man Six feet in a hole *

( police radio chatter )

Well, well, well. I'll be damned.

If it isn't Paul Crewe.

So, what did I do wrong? Was I driving poorly?

Nope. Nope.

This car was reported stolen.

No, no, no.

It's actually my girlfriend's car.

Shit happens.

Shit does happen.

I mean, look what happened to your ears.

( Paul chortles )

I gotta ask you somethin'.

Does he get XM Radio with those?

Actually, they get a couple of channels.

( chuckling )

( laughing )

It's Paul Crewe.

Another question, though.

Santa Claus. What's he like?

( Paul laughing )

Boy, I hate to arrest a public figure like yourself,

but, hell, I don't think you got too many endorsement deals

to worry about, now do ya?

Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo.

Don't get short with me.

( quietly ): That was good. I mean, he's good.

Man.

I hope you got a lotta money

for that game you threw,

'cause that was the most pathetic thing

I ever saw.

Now, step outta the vehicle, Mr. Crewe.

Don't you think I should pull the car over more?

I could get sideswiped.

You're slurrin' your words a bit there, Paul.

You been drinkin' tonight?

Absolutely not.

Now, could you do me a favor?

Hold this beer while I back it up.

( Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" playing )

Hey, you can finish that one.

I got five more. Take care, guys.

( tires squealing )

We got a 3-94 in progress.

( laughing )

( sirens wailing )

( horns honking )

Okay, remain calm. How ya doin'?

What's up?! What's up?!

What's up?

( laughing )

ANCHORWOMAN: What you are watching is live footage

of a vehicle, apparently stolen,

being pursued by police.

We're receiving word now

that the driver of that vehicle

is former Pittsburgh football star

Paul Crewe.

Crewe, you might remember,

was the only man ever to be indicted

on federal racketeering charges...

for shaving points

in a professional football game,

although it was never fully proven.

PAUL: Yeah!

( cell phone rings ) Yello.

Do not get one more scratch on my car

or I will slit your throat.

See, that's our problem, sweetie.

You care about this car more than you do us.

And how'd you even know

there was a scratch on this baby?

Because I am watching you on TV, as is the whole country.

Once again, you are proving to everyone

what a worthless piece of shit you are.

Wow.

Well, I hope they like this.

( brakes screech )

( helicopter whirring overhead )

Hey, Lena!

I think we should start seein' other people!

( laughing )

I think I'm in love.

Good news, boys, I didn't spill my beer.

SANCHEZ: Without question,

Crewe's five-year federal probation for point shaving

has been severely violated tonight.

The future of this once-great football star

looks very dark indeed.

( mellow folk guitar theme playing )

( whistling )

Long way from the big city,

huh, superstar?

Stayin' with the times around here, huh?

Ain't she buh-you-tuh-ful.

Home sweet home, boy.

Get on your feet.

( grunts )

You're one lucky son of a bitch, Crewe.

Is that right?

That's right.

See, the warden loves his football.

Fact, he was on the winnin' side

of your little thing.

Well, tell him congratulations.

But I wasn't.

Welcome to Allenville.

Thank you, sergeant.

I'll take it from here.

Afternoon, inmate Crewe.

Yeah. Come on.

Warden wants to see you.

Let's do it. Move it.

( Lee, Jacob and Church's "Stomp" playing )

* My niggas We don't stomp *

* 'Cause we be goin' through The players go in *

* The haters go lose Sendin' in the *

* Dope roller, blunt smoker Dope choker *

* Fo, fo Two honeys poker *

* Polo sporter Bet I poke her *

* Game shooter High pointster *

* Aim through the Do the singer... *

( gate buzzes )

I used to play a little college ball myself.

Down at the University of Miami.

I bet a lotta your old teammates are locked up in here.

Ah, no inmates from my playing days.

Couple of guards, though.

See, we got us

a fine prison guard league down here.

It's like a...

company softball team.

Now, the warden...

he's gonna ask you to help out.

Okay. With what?

( groans loudly )

( Paul coughing )

PAUL: That wasn't nice.

( panting )

When the warden asks you...

what are you gonna say?

Yes?

( groans )

You're gonna tell him "no."

Ya got it?

You're gonna tell the warden

that you want nothin' to do with his football fantasies.

Not in my back yard.

'Cause the warden don't run this prison.

I do.

Ya understand?

Not entirely.

( groans )

( moaning )

Okay.

I feel ya, dog.

I feel ya.

( knocking )

Paul "Wrecking" Crewe.

I don't get to say this to my new guests very often,

but it's an honor to have you here

at this institution.

It's an honor to be locked up here, sir.

( chuckles )

Oh, well, this is Errol Dandridge.

Colonel Sanders been eatin' his own chicken.

HAZEN: He's my political advisor.

See, I've been approached

by several very influential people

wonderin' if I'd be interested

in standin' for governor.

They see the way I run this prison,

think maybe I should run this state.

Only with less sodomy, right?

( chuckles )

Hopefully none.

Sorry.

Now, there are two things we take very seriously

here in the state of Texas.

Prison...

and football.

We play a little of the latter here.

The warden is too modest to admit

that his team is rather good.

But not good enough.

Five years since our last championship.

Five years.

Now, I've worked real hard, pulled strings,

called in quite a few favors to get you here, Paul.

Now, why would you go and do that?

Because I am convinced

that you can get us back on track.

I haven't played football

in I don't know how long.

I don't really want to.

You wouldn't be playin', Paul.

Just consultin'.

Anyone who was once the Most Valuable Player

of the National Football League

must have a great deal of expertise to offer.

Captain, what would you say to Mr. Crewe lookin' in,

givin' us the benefit of his experience?

Oh, I think that's a real good idea, warden.

We can use all the help we can get.

Well, then, it's all settled.

What you say, Paul?

I appreciate the offer,

but I'm gonna have to pass.

Now, I can assure you

that your time here will be a whole lot easier

if you just participate.

I just wanna do my time and go home.

Nothin' else.

If you'll excuse us, Mr. Crewe.

Captain Knauer, you can stay.

Sit down!

I used to love your underwear commercials.

( Hazen shouting )

Thank you very much.

My ex-husband wore

the same brand of tighty whities.

He didn't fill 'em out

quite as well as you, though.

Special effects.

Hollywood.

Not all me.

Oh, I doubt that very seriously.

HAZEN: Well, then, get him enthusiastic,

damn it!

Come on, get up.

How'd it go in there?

We all set now?

Oh, yeah, we're real tight.

( loud thump, Paul groans )

( mellow folk guitar theme playing )

Only the finest for you, superstar.

( laughs )

I was just playin'.

INMATE: I ain't gonna forget you, Crewe.

INMATE 2: Hey, yo, you owe me money on that game, punk!

Better watch yourself, Mr. Football!

Bitch!

( growls )

INMATE 3: Yeah, you better run, woman.

( inmates chuckling )

Yo, Football.

Take a seat.

Thanks.

You know, I have never seen one inmate

just walk in here

and be unanimously hated by the entire population.

I ain't never seen it.

How'd I get so lucky?

You could have robbed banks. You could have sold crack.

Stole your grandmama's pension

and nobody would have cared.

But shavin' points off a football game?

Man, that's just un-American.

You play football? Me? Nah.

I suck so bad,

they used to pick me after the white kids.

Used to be mad too.

It's like, "I can't believe

I picked a nigga that can't play."

Caretaker.

Paul Crewe.

Whatever your pleasure,

I can facilitate.

You need weed, you need meth--

Hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man.

I know how you white boys

always deal with that depression.

I mean, me personally, I don't understand

what you white boys all depressed about.

Hey, you're white. Smile.

And for a small fee,

I can even get you McDonalds.

Really? Yeah, that's right. Mickey D's.

My man Cheeseburger Eddy got the hookup.

PAUL: Cheeseburger Eddy? CARETAKER: That's right.

We can get our McFlurry on.

CHEESEBURGER EDDY: Enjoy it, fat man.

What about the love of a beautiful woman?

Well, you're gonna have to lower your standards

on the beautiful part and on the woman part.

ALL: Hey.

Let's just stick with the cheeseburgers.

Oh, they ugly now,

but in eight months, he gonna look like Beyoncé.

No, thanks.

Now, here's the most important part.

You can't let these guys scare you.

You can't let 'em punk you.

'Cause if you do that,

you gonna end up bein' somebody's bitch.

Don't want that.

Thanks for the advice.

Hey. Let me take that tray out for you.

I ain't done eating yet.

Oh, you're not? I'll give it back to you, then.

You're dead!

( inmates shouting )

Hornet's Nest!

( trays clattering )

Everybody stay down.

Stay quiet!

Come on, Crewe, get up.

Get up, superstar.

Yes, sir.

You think you can do anything you want around here,

don't ya? Well, you are no different

than any other piece of shit that calls this place home.

Really?

These guys think you're a dumb redneck too?

( inmates laugh )

Ooh, girl, that's your new boo.

You better cut that shit out. It's gettin' old.

That's gonna cost ya.

Lookin' forward to it.

( mellow folk guitar theme playing )

Wake up, Sleepin' Beauty.

DUNHAM: Hey, superdick.

Warden's wonderin' if your stay in the hotbox

has changed your mind.

How long have I been in here?

One week.

Wanna go for two? Huh?

( chuckles )

( grunting )

PAUL: How'd you find these guys, anyways?

HAZEN: Recruitment, boy.

When college stars don't get drafted,

they need a place to go.

A job, money, security.

Who drank all the damn Gatorade?!

Damn it!

And apparently steroids.

Look, seems like you got

all the talent you'd want.

So why do you need me?

Well, now, you might find this hard to believe,

but there's some folks here in the prison league

don't care for me very much. You, warden?

Yeah, well, they thought it might be amusing

to schedule the defending league champs

as our first game. And me?

Well, I thought an old pro like yourself

might have some training camp tricks, drills,

insights to offer up.

Give us the competitive edge.

All right.

Relatively simple.

Ya need a tune-up game.

A tune-up game?

Yeah. In college we'd start every season

against Appalachian State or some slack Division II team.

Kick the livin' shit out of 'em.

Get their confidence up.

Ya know somethin', Paul?

You've just given me an inspiration.

That's great. What?

You're gonna assemble a team

to play the first game against us.

And you, Mr. Crewe, are gonna be the quarterback.

I don't think so.

Lemme tell you somethin'.

In my prison,

to get along, you gotta go along.

I just wanna do my three years and be done.

Three years is before you assaulted Captain Knauer.

Now, you could be with us

for a very long time, Mr. Crewe.

Fine, I'll do it.

Good choice.

But, one condition, though.

Gotta promise me

to keep Captain Knauer off my back.

HAZEN: It's a deal.

Now, you got four weeks

to assemble a team and train 'em.

What, are we gonna have a half-hour a day

to practice with a Nerf ball?

Oh, I'll make sure my boys allow you

sufficient freedom, within these walls,

to get your team in shape.

What's this?

"Foot...ball tree...outs."

What the hell is a "tree-out"?

"Tryout," ya half a meatball.

Hey, what's this football thing about, man?

Crewe's gettin' a team together.

To play against who?

The guards.

Now, I don't know about y'all,

but I occasionally have the impulse

to physically assault one of our finer correctional officers.

Yeah?

Well, how the hell we gonna get to do that?

Just show up at the "tree-outs," ya big, dumb bitch.

Do the girls get to play?

We're playin' footballs, not balls-balls.

CHEESEBURGER EDDY: This is bullshit.

Just another chance for the guards to beat on us.

Don't you idiots get it?

We could get a free shot at the guards.

This is our turn.

We could beat up on them.

We could kill them.

INMATE 1: Kill 'em. INMATE 2: Kill 'em.

You know MVP sold his own teammates out.

What do ya think he's gonna do to you fools?

And that's the truth.

With some cheese on it.

There ain't no meat loaf between these buns.

Yo, man, that's my flier, man!

I worked hard on it! Ya see?

He ran like a little bitch, right? You saw that, right?

Yo, team needs you. Team needs you.

You sh-- You come to the tr--

Come to the tree-outs.

( mellow guitar theme playing )

Crappy field, shit-ass equipment.

Hey, man, at least we got

some world-class players over there.

INMATES: Forty-five.

Forty-six.

Forty-seven.

He might make the team.

Well, if we gotta cut him,

you're doin' it.

Forty-nine.

Fifty.

All right, man. Good job, man.

Well, well, well.

You a football player?

Oh, no.

I never played no football, mister.

So, what happened? You read the flier,

thought it looked like some fun?

Oh, I can't read.

Oh, don't worry. Readin's for rich people.

Just so you know,

we're puttin' together a football team.

Love you to join.

Will you teach me to football?

Sure we'll teach you to football.

Won't we, Caretaker?

Hey, I'll teach ya anything. Just don't eat me.

( laughing )

Okay.

( laughing )

Down, Shrek. Down!

( whistle blows )

PAUL: Okay, bring it in.

Whoever's tryin' out for the team, wake up.

Can ya give a brother a little hustle?

PAUL: Very good.

For those of you who don't know who I am,

I'm Paul Crewe.

I'm gonna be your coach, your captain, your quarterback.

You haven't played in years. Why can't I be quarterback, huh?

You're right. Let's see what you got.

All right. Hit me, I'm open.

Hike, hike! Hike!

That's why. Now, sit down and shut up.

It slipped. I just ate popcorn. Question:

Any of you gentlemen ever play football before?

Ya did? Where? Kansas State.

Are you shittin' me? For Coach Snyder?

Nah. Kansas State Prison.

Now I hear they have

the softest mattresses out there.

Yeah, they do. Not as soft as the ones

at West Texas Mental Institution.

Really?

Let's finish this conversation later.

For now, I wanna see what ya got out there.

Uh, we'll grade 'em on a scale of one to ten.

PAUL: Move it!

Hustle, hustle, hustle!

Give these guys sixes.

Give these guys fives.

Good. Good. Give 'em threes.

Very nice!

Aren't we missin' somebody?

Where's the Kansas State guy?

* Sittin' in a nest Of bad men *

You assholes better not cut me!

I'm still on this team!

Negative two.

All right, go with negative two.

Hey!

Somebody bring me a Diet Coke!

Let's do this! That's it!

Five.

Good. Seven.

Stupid tire!

You're a frickin' tire!

You think you're better than me?!

I'll kick your ass!

Three.

And a half?

Yeah. That's better.

Okay. Good.

( whistle blows ) INMATE: Yeah. There ya go, man.

Four.

( blows whistle )

( grunts )

Five. I don't know. I go.

CARETAKER: Come on, Switowski!

Daddy!

Oh, man! Did you see that?

He got it off the hinge.

I think that's a 10.

Let's go with a 10.

I'm sorry.

I brokeded your toy.

No, that's a good thing.

You should have a victory hug

with Caretaker. What?

What you talkin' 'bout, man?

Hey!

Asshole!

Okay, fellas, it's pretty simple.

You do a buttonhook.

The rest of you guys block for me.

I'll take care of the rest.

Okay? On "go." On "go."

Ready? Break!

We'll work on that.

Okay, half speed on this one, guys.

Slow and easy.

Ready?! Go!

Oh! Stop it!

Stop the violence!

Can't we all get along?!

( screeches )

Hey, Paul. Unger.

Team's lookin' great. Oh, yeah.

So are you. Yep. Workin' on it.

The blood of the guards is gonna flow

like the rivers of ancient Babylon.

That's good news.

Unger, you're the man.

Good job today. You're all startin' to look

really sharp out there.

Yeah. See ya tomorrow.

We're gonna suck.

Yeah. No doubt about it.

( mellow folk guitar theme playing )

You look like you could use a little help.

No offense, my man, but, uh, you're a little...seasoned.

"Seasoned"?

I'm not askin' to play. I'll coach.

I'm Nate Scarborough.

Nate Scarborough?

The Heisman Trophy winner from Oklahoma?

The inmate from Cellblock D.

But about a hundred years ago, when I could run and gun...

yeah, I was a Sooner then.

I heard you were dead.

No, I ain't dead.

I've been right here, rotting.

Waiting for a chance to get back at those sadistic guards.

Waiting. For this.

Well, coach, as you can see, we don't exactly have

the cream of the crop to work with here.

Well, what are we gonna do?

How are we gonna find players?

How'd they get ya to go to Florida State?

They recruited me.

I'll get the strippers.

Heh.

HAZEN: Well, now, Lindsay,

this isn't about credit or congratulations.

This is about givin' men

who've made mistakes in their lives

an opportunity to rise above themselves.

To move beyond the bars of containment.

Say what?

Oh! What I would do to you.

Meow.

( mellow folk guitar theme playing )

Yeah. Nice boot, skin man.

Hey, Crewe, why does he get to be the kicker?

I was All-State, man. Let's see what you got.

That's why, you dumbass.

Just go do some laps.

I heard you boys needed to see me.

NATE: Yeah. I want ya to meet Skitchy.

Hey, dog.

Check that building over there.

They keep all the records in the basement.

He's been here so long, he knows where everything is.

That ain't necessarily a good thing, is it?

I had a parole date in '86.

But I got in a tussle with a guard and...

One punch and it went away.

Twenty extra years for one punch?

Well, unfortunately for him, the guard he punched

just happens to be the warden now.

Oh, shit. Warden Hazen?

"Oh, shit" is right.

( shouting )

Fight in the yard. Send backup.

Right on time.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Ain't you guys glad

you got a black man for a friend?

Hell, yeah.

Come on.

NATE: Hazen has a rating system for every con.

What's three stars?

The more prone to violence that the inmate is,

the more stars he gets.

Five stars is the max.

I didn't know that.

Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got.

Wow.

Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake.

Check it again. Check it again.

You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.

Come on, that's not funny, man.

I'm gonna have to stab somebody or somethin'. Get my rep up.

Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight.

That could get it up some.

SKITCHY: Yeah.

We can sell it to pay-per-view.

Superstar Versus Half-A-Star.

Why don't you shut up before I slit your throat

and watch the dust come out.

Come on, guys, we only got a couple minutes.

How 'bout this guy?

Damn, this fool got the chair

three times, ain't died yet.

Well, we may not have the most talented team,

but we will definitely have the meanest.

( aggressive guitar theme playing )

( gate buzzes )

( buzzes )

( thudding, man grunting )

What's he doin' that for?

'Cause he's a freak.

Hey, Sasquatch!

Someone's here to see ya!

Not too smart on your part.

Hey.

How's the headbangin' comin'?

You're bleeding. Just so you know.

People have told me

that you and I look a lot alike,

so I wanted to see for myself.

( bellows )

I'm gonna take a piss.

You scared him away, dumbshit.

( laughs )

( guard mimics bellowing )

( laughing )

PAUL: You're kiddin'.

Five-star Torres likes The View?

Naw, just Joy Behar.

The good news is she can breast-feed standing up.

That's it. ( laughs )

Where does she come up with this shit?

I'm a Star Jones man myself.

I love that big bitch.

VIEIRA: That was, like, the furthest thing.

BEHAR: I got married so young,

so, I mean, they weren't pressuring me,

the society was pressuring me...

Mr. Torres.

Us convicts are startin' up a football team.

Not interested.

We're playin' the guards.

Walk away.

Good idea.

PAUL: 0 for 2.

HASSELBECK: You're puttin' the pressure on her right now.

Show's over, amigo.

I still got 15 minutes of Joy Behar.

Well, I'm cuttin' you short.

Back to your cell,

asswipe.

TORRES: Hey, white boy.

Cherryhead gonna play?

Yes, he is.

( driving electric-guitar theme playing )

( whistle blows )

Crewe, don't forget, I'm gonna be open.

Green 40! Hut!

Ooh! Damn!

( snarls )

CARETAKER: Brucie. Brucie.

You all right? You breathin'?

I got a bird.

His name is Ronnie.

Well, tell Ronnie

you got knocked the fuck out.

Wow, no bullshit.

Real football?

Against the guards?

Full contact.

Captain Knauer is their quarterback?

Yep.

So I get to tackle him.

Yeah. You can either tackle him,

or hit him over the head with that hammer.

I wanna hurt him. Not kill him.

CARETAKER: Let's get out of here before that thing bites somebody.

All right. We'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

( whistle blows )

PAUL: Down, set!

Hut! Hut!

Hey!

Hit me! Get rid of it.

Get rid of it!

He didn't get rid of it.

( whistle blows )

Sacked your ass.

Somebody's gotta get open, guys.

You got hammered by the hammer.

I think I felt it on my leg.

We gotta get some speed, man.

Well, what'd you expect? You got no brothers out there.

What are you talkin' about? We got Switowski.

Switowski, that's one brother.

That's a lonely nigger. This ain't hockey.

You want some speed,

you know where to go.

( 21G's "U Should Know" playing )

Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.

I knew you couldn't resist my shit.

I got the shakes that'll make you quake.

I got the fries that'll cross your eyes.

I got the burgers that'll--

I just got burgers.

I'm all right. Thank you.

Just wanted to talk to you fellas

about possibly joining the football team.

Aw, hell, no, man.

The only game we'd play with you

is Slap the Point-Shavin' White Boy

Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch.

* Baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch *

* Baby-back bitch *

That's a big-ass robot.

Yeah.

You gonna help me out here?

Thank you, Half-a-Star.

Just so you know, we are playing the guards.

That ain't a team. That's just a bunch of dumb rednecks

givin' themselves excuses to grab each other.

This guy must be quite the athlete, huh?

You risk bringin' your ass in the jungle

because you know I am.

Yeah, so you'd beat me in a game of one-on-one, right?

What?!

I think it's time for you to get steppin'.

How's this, though? One game.

I beat you, you guys play for the team.

You beat me, I'll leave ya alone.

Take that deal.

Take that.

Take that, Deac.

INMATE: This fool ain't nothin' but a thing, baby.

Ball, dog. Ball up!

Can Crewe play ball?

He's a natural athlete.

So's Greg Louganis,

but I betcha he'd get his ass whupped out here.

Game's 11.

Call your own fouls. Okay.

Come on, come on.

Give it to him, Deac!

( inmates cheering )

Did I get you?

No, that was clean.

He'll be all right. Call his mama.

If I foul ya, you tell me, dog.

Okay, baby.

Take this f-- Take this foul.

What happened there? I think it's my ball, right?

All right.

Get up! Get up, Deac! Come on, Paul!

Calm down.

Now, don't stir up the brothers, now. Come on.

Come on, Deacon!

( clangs )

Did I get you, dog?

Hell, no, baby.

That was clean. Good D.

I thought he didn't wanna get hurt.

It ain't about gettin' hurt.

It's about pride.

I betcha he's pretty proud right now.

( Public Enemy's "Give It Up" playing )

* One, two, three, four *

* It's another record, check it Mad methods *

* To put my brothers And sisters on a deathbed *

* You know he cheated Took what he wanted *

* And now you blunted *

* Suckin' up to the devil Steppin' down a level *

* It's who they fear is you *

( booing )

* Yes, and it counts Fuck the 40 ounce *

* I sued them bastards Yeah, they got bounce *

* I did 'em like a demo Threw 'em out the window *

* I took a 98 'Cause I never liked a limo *

* But pump, pump, pump Pu-pump, pump it up *

It ain't easy bein' cheesy!

* Some ain't gonna change I got 'em in the range *

* I gotta rearrange *

* So I'm buildin' back Your brain *

DEACON: Did I get you?

Did I get you? No, I think I'm okay, baby.

I didn't get you, did I?

* Give it up, give it up *

* Give it up, yo *

* Give it up, give it up Gotta give it up *

* Give it up, give it up Give it up, yo *

That's travelin', bitch.

* Give it up, give it up Give it up, yo *

* Give it up, give it up Gotta give it up *

* Give it up, give it up Give it up, now *

* Give it up, give it up Gotta give it up... *

You keep comin', huh?

Game point, baby. How you want the game put up?

Foul.

That was a bullshit call!

My court, my ball.

( inmates whooping and cheering )

All right, y'all. Let Deac speak!

( men quiet )

Nice spankin' that ass, dog.

Now get steppin'.

Hold up.

Y'all got a runnin' back?

Not any good ones.

No disrespect, Deac...

but any man that can take that kind of beatin' out here...

I can't wait to see

what he can do in a contact sport.

Shit, I'm in.

Man, give me that cheeseburger.

You actin' like a real McAsshole.

DEACON: Cheeseburger,

he wants to run with the white boys,

we will let him. Let's do this.

Earl Megget.

Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar,

but we got a Hershey's Kiss.

I'll take it.

( whistle blowing )

Let's get this over with, rookie, I'm starvin'.

Fresh meat, boys! Fresh meat!

PAUL: Down, set!

Battle, you're a psycho!

Tony, you're a fat shit!

Hut!

Holy shit!

INMATE: Get him!

( whistle blows )

( chuckles )

PAUL: Ran right out of your shoes, huh?

Hey, manager, don't you think

we can get our new star running back

a decent pair of cleats? Yeah.

I think I got a cousin that drives a truck for Reebok.

It's cool, man. I never had shoes growin' up noway.

I'll be a'ight for now.

Get yo' country ass back in the huddle.

That boy got some slave feet, ya see that?

( whistle blows )

Defense! Huddle up over there!

Paul.

Paul.

Hey, Ladies. How's it hangin'?

Tell him. I'm gonna say something to him.

I just wanted to let you know I am your biggest fan.

And I will be cheerin' my jailhouse boobies off for you

at game day.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

Paul.

I appreciate you.

Okay, thanks. I'm glad to know that.

( giggling )

Okay, are ya done now? Huh?

What's wrong wit' you?

Jealous 'cause I don't cheer for you anymore?

I don't know what you're talkin' about, freak show.

Whatever, back freckles.

Oh, yeah, back freckles. She's makin' up shit now.

I'm gonna get some water.

DANDRIDGE: That feature interview

worked better than I thought.

I just got off the phone with ESPN2.

They want to televise the football game.

Guards, cons, Paul Crewe, it's compelling stuff.

Lots of human interest. Cha-cha-cha.

Don't do that in here.

Television.

Dandridge, do you think that might help my visibility

with the registered voters of this fine state?

Oh, yes.

( ominous rock theme playing )

Come on.

PAPAJOHN: The freak is back!

Hey, hey. It's me again.

( ball clicking )

You know, if I take this half down,

we could play together.

I'm just gonna take this half down.

( ball clatters off table ) Ooh, oh.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I got another ball.

It's okay.

Ya wanna serve?

I'll serve.

Really good news.

We started a football team.

You like football?

It's kinda like Ping-Pong.

Only the ball's a little bigger

and egg-shaped, like my head.

( laughs awkwardly )

Just a joke.

Stay calm.

Give you a good chance

to throw people on the ground,

hurt them like you used to when you were a kid,

10 feet 6 inches ago.

( growls softly )

We'd be playing the guards.

I think Papajohn's their safety.

( thick accent ):

( hard rock theme playing )

Turley, nobody gets to me,

we'll play more Ping-Pong later, okay?

Hut!

( growling )

Effective.

( wailing ) All right.

He brokeded my nose.

I don't wanna play no more.

Hey, hey, hey. Switowski.

What are you talkin' about?

This is football. Shit happens.

Paul, he brokeded my nose.

Okay. Stop cryin'.

All right. We can fix this.

Here we go.

( bone cracks, Switowski screams )

Okay. Good, good.

How's it look?

How's it look? It looks... It looks like--

It looks better than before.

Really?

Yeah, it's straighter. More distinguished.

Kinda like a young Michael Jackson.

I love little Michael.

That's great. That's great.

I think he did it on purpose.

No, he didn't.

Okay, maybe he did.

You gotta apologize to him.

Come on, Turley.

PAUL: Say you're sorry.

Come on. Say it.

( sighs )

He said he's sorry.

I got him to say he's sorry.

Yeah, yeah. We're all impressed.

( mellow guitar theme playing )

Looking good, gentlemen. Way to work hard.

Good practice, Paul!

Me and the girls wanna show you

what we've been practicing.

Okay, hit me.

Come on, let's go.

One, two, three.

Give me a...

( chanting ): D, D, give me a I I, I, give me a C

C, give me a--

All right, all right! I got it.

Just save it for the game.

Don't act like you ain't want to see more, Brucie!

Yeah, you wish, pal.

No, you wish I'd kiss you again,

'cause your breath smell like eight cans of shark shit.

I wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole.

What's he talkin' about? He's a freak.

( D12's "My Ballz" playing )

* Football, football I love football *

* Yes, tres, dos, uno *

* Hut one, hut two, hut, hut Hurry up *

* Denaun, go long I'm gonna throw the bomb *

* Come on Touchdown *

Run, Forrest, run!

( Mountain's "Mississippi Queen blaring over speaker )

That's how a white man plays guitar.

Captain, he said he had some info.

You guys have "Halo 2."

I didn't even think that was out yet.

Focus.

Turn the music off! * Mississip-- *

Yeah, captain. You know them convicts?

They're startin' to get some serious players.

But their biggest threat?

A running back. Megget.

He's good? He's fast.

He's really, really fast.

I mean, he's so fast,

he makes fast people look not fast.

I got it, he's fast.

Now, why don't you show us your speed

and get your pyro ass outta here.

Yes, sir. Here I go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Any books you'd recommend, inmate?

No, sir.

Not much of a reader.

Oh, come on, now, maggot.

I've seen you in here readin' before.

You requested this detail. Isn't that right?

Nah.

It's the quiet time I like, sir.

Maybe you'd like to read this.

What the hell kind of bullshit book is that?

It's historical. Sir.

Now, why would he want to read a book about a four-eyed nigger?

( chuckling )

Does the N word offend you, nigger?

No, sir.

( books thump to floor )

Oops. Sorry about that.

You mind fetching these books for me, boy?

No, sir.

Just pick 'em up. Put 'em on the table.

There you go.

You forgot one.

Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?

Hit you, sir?

Nah.

Y'all my friends.

Pick these up.

( books thumping on floor )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Go!

Hit me! I'm open! I'm open!

Come on!

We got one week before we play that game.

We can't complete a pass yet.

Megget can't run the ball every play.

I know, coach.

What the hell is he smilin' at?

* Here comes the... Here comes the... *

* Y'all Don't really worry now *

* Here comes the Boom *

* Here comes the Boom *

* Here comes the... *

* Y'all don't really Worry now *

* Boom When I'm coming, like *

* Boom When I'm coming, like *

* Boom When I'm coming for ya *

This better be on the up and up.

I guarantee it.

Let's do this shit.

There goes the neighborhood.

( laughing )

( driving electronic theme playing )

( sobbing )

Now I'll never get to play.

Set. Hut.

Did you see that?! Did you see that?!

The Deac is here!

Nice!

Okay, we seal off here, seal off here.

Cheeseburger. Yeah.

You're just gonna chip this guy--

( cheering )

That stings.

It's nothin' a Quarter Pounder can't fix.

With cheese on it?

Hut!

Whoo!

Man, that boy would catch a cold in the desert.

Here you go. Everything's looking up.

Yeah, still got one more pain in the ass to deal with.

( driving country guitar theme playing )

( siren wails )

All right, boys, what do you say?

How about a little best ball?

No, I hate that bullshit.

Everyone play their own damn ball.

Holy shit, is that Paul Crewe?

HAZEN: How do you like that, boys?

The MVP comin' to kiss my ass.

So, what's on your mind, Paul?

Got a problem with inmate Unger.

Oh? Is he on your little squad?

I believe he's on your little squad.

Mr. Crewe, would you mind if we had a picture? Please?

That's up to the warden.

Aw, damn it. All right.

Rewound it. Did everything. The flash is ready.

You don't need a flash. It's daylight.

Oh, my bad. I just want a good picture.

You know, I think you had sex with my wife

before I married her.

Sorry about that.

Oh, hell, no. If she's hot enough to have a one-nighter

with a pro football player,

I must be doin' all right.

( all laughing )

PAUL: Okay, here we go.

Sergeant Engleheart. Yes, warden.

Would you step out of the picture, please?

Yes, sir.

( camera clicks )

VIC: His wife has got the hottest ass.

Great.

Just cut to the chase, shall we?

You don't actually think

you have a chance of winning, now, do you?

We're gonna get our asses handed to us.

I know it. You know it.

I just don't want my players to know it.

Your players?

( chuckles )

Just when I thought I had you all figured out.

What does that mean?

In the time you've been here,

you haven't made or received one telephone call.

You haven't opened so much as a single shred of mail.

What do you give a damn about those slimeballs?

You never cared about anybody in your entire life.

Maybe I finally found the sense of family

I been yearning for since I'm a baby.

( Southern accent ): And gosh almighty,

my new family and I would sure appreciate it

if you got Unger off the field. You hear?

Sergeant Engleheart.

Thank you.

Oh, and as for your request...

you'll have my answer soon enough.

( country guitar theme plays )

Did it rain last night?

Not a drop.

( laughing )

Son of a bitch.

All right, boys.

The warden is tryin' to break our spirit.

He thinks we're gonna skip practice today,

wait for the field to dry, make it up tomorrow.

You know what? Who gives a shit?

Three days till game time.

We can handle it.

But lemme say this:

That old man flooding this field tells me somethin'.

The guy is scared.

Scared of you sick, degenerate convicts.

( inmates chuckling )

And you know what?

He should be.

'Cause I got news for you guys.

We're gonna win this thing.

Did he say "win"?

What's it gonna be, boys?

Do we go back to our cells,

call it a day?

Or do we get ourselves ready

for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta...

in the history of football?

I'll leave it up to you guys.

( both chuckling )

( yells )

( all yelling )

( driving rock theme playing )

NATE: Hey.

You're part of the goddamn team.

Get your point-shavin' ass in there.

You got it. Yaaah!

( Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Have You Ever Seen the Rain" playing )

* Someone told me long ago *

* There's a calm Before the storm *

* I know *

* It's been comin' For some time *

* I want to know Have you ever seen the rain? *

* I want to know Have you ever seen the rain *

* Comin' down on a sunny day? *

I guess that asshole Hazen wants to play dirty.

We all convicts, right?

Right.

Maybe it's time we started actin' like it.

( whispering ): Right here. Right here.

Take it, Deac.

NATE: Let's see which guards have some broken bones.

( Big Head Todd & the Monsters' "Boom, Boom" playing )

* Hey, hey *

* Hey, hey *

* Let a boy boogie *

Yeah!

* I felt so good When I boogied just the same *

* Boom, boom, boom, boom *

* I'm gonna shoot you Right down *

* Off of your feet *

* Boom, boom, boom, boom Bang, bang, bang, bang *

* Boom, boom, boom, boom Bang, bang, bang, bang *

* How, how, how, how *

Shoes, nigga!

Check this out.

These be brass knuckles.

They damn near old as me.

Hut!

That's perfect, Cheeseburger!

Never been better.

Good ball. Good ball.

* Boom, boom, boom, boom *

* Boom, boom, boom, boom *

Okay.

* How, how, how, how *

Who we gonna crush? ALL: The guards!

Who we gonna kill? The guards!

Who we gonna kiss?

The guards! Gotcha.

( laughing )

( buzzing )

Lights out!

Good night, ladies.

Yo, Crewe!

Yes, Mr. Caretaker.

Check your toilet.

There should be a little surprise in there for you.

You took a shit in my toilet?

No, that's the surprise I left in Brucie's toilet.

You got somethin' else.

All right.

Well, would you look at this.

A bottle of Ketel One and two glasses.

Now, what would I need two for?

Just shut up and pour me a drink, bitch.

Man, who taught you to be so cool?

My mama.

Now, when I get outta here,

I don't want you to get all Hollywood on us.

I want you to meet her.

Here, look at my girl.

She's your biggest fan.

Your mom's beautiful.

( chuckles )

And you, you are ugly.

Thank you.

Got it.

Here's to, uh...

the first friend I've had in I don't know how long.

SWITOWSKI: Hey, I thought I was your friend, Paul.

You are, Switowski.

Just finish your coloring book and go back to sleep.

Okay.

And here's to havin' one of these with you

on the outside,

sometime in the next three to five years.

L'chaim.

Yo, Crewe.

Yes, sir.

You bein' a ex-football player and all,

I'm sure you got a lotta hot ass on the outside.

Well, let's not forget

I wasn't the most popular guy out there.

Don't gimme that shit.

O.J. chopped his wife's head off

and still got some ass.

Yeah.

My mama taught me not to kiss and tell.

Now go to sleep. All right.

I got one more question to ask you.

Okay. What is it?

Why'd you shave those points?

Didn't you read the papers?

I'm innocent.

Yeah. Ain't we all?

Yo, Crewe,

what would you say if I could get you film

from the guards' games last year?

I would say that's incredible,

but how?

Thanks, gentlemen.

The warden will be done with him

in 15 minutes.

We can handle him.

Yes, ma'am.

Then you're gonna, ma'am.

Nice job.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

Thank you, Lynette.

Now Nate can study all the guards' formations.

Not so fast, sugar bear.

You gotta earn 'em.

( imitating slinky drum beat )

Whoo! Whoo!

( weakly ): Whoo, whoo...

We only got 15 minutes,

but, sunshine,

we're gonna make 'em all count.

( grunting )

( chuckles )

One more, please?

Mm-hmm.

Whoa! Whoa!

( inmates booing )

Let's go.

Quiet down. Guys. Let's go.

Before we watch the guards' game film from last season,

we have a special presentation

from our very own Mr. Paul Crewe.

( inmates jeering )

What are you talkin' about? What's goin' on?

( inmates whooping and whistling )

Now I gotta relive this shit?

Yeah!

You can say this!

My man's a team player!

You know what they say.

Once you go gray, there ain't no other way!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Brucie! Brucie!

I'm glad you think that's funny,

'cause I got somethin' pretty funny to show you guys.

Tony, hit it. You're gonna like this.

INMATES: Oooh!

What the hell is this?

PAUL: What? It's good. It's good. It keeps goin'.

Hi. Here I am.

Turn this shit off. Turn it off.

No!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny. Trick photography.

( inmates whooping )

BRUCIE: Nah, nah, nah. Nah.

Nothin' happened. Nothin' happened.

I was showin' a little wrestling move. That's all.

Knock it off!

Knock it off!

It's time we took a look at what we came here to see

before the guards come back.

( inmates cheer ) The first film

is the guards' offense against Texas Southern.

Now, as you can see,

they're running a standard wishbone.

So you're tellin' me that these animals

are watchin' our game films. Is that right?

Yes, sir, boss. They got all last season.

Seems to me that we oughta do somethin' about this.

What do you want me to do?

You're the criminal. Be creative.

But on game day, if I so much as--

What are you doin'?

I don't know.

I've had hot flashes all shift, and...

now my nipples are killin' me.

Why are we talkin' about your nipples?

We're not.

Just go do what you're doin' here.

Guys.

I want Crewe finished.

Yes, sir. You give me the inspiration, sir.

I got somethin' for him.

Hut!

Everybody!

( whistle blows )

Huddle up!

Every day, we've been takin' shit

for a long time.

Tomorrow, payback.

Now, think about that for a second.

( dramatic orchestral theme building )

( clapping continues )

( ticking )

( suspenseful action theme playing )

What time is it? ALL: Game time!

What time is it?

Game time! What time is it?

Game time!

PAUL: Tomorrow, 12:00,

the bus leaves. Don't be late!

Where the hell is Caretaker?

I don't know.

( on radio ): * Little bit of-- *

* --that's how most folks Make their way *

* Yodel-ay-hee *

A gift for you, Mr. Crewe.

* Oh, yodel-ay *

How's he listen to that cracker shit?

( ominous theme playing )

( sombre theme playing )

( plaintive country guitar theme playing )

( Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky" playing )

* When I die And they lay me to rest *

* Gonna go to the place That's the best *

* When they lay me Down to die *

* Going up To the spirit in the sky *

* Going up To the spirit in the sky *

( siren wails )

* When I die And they lay me to rest *

* I'm gonna go to the place That's the best *

ROME: We're here deep in the heart of toothless country,

coming to you from a simple Texas high school stadium

that's been retrofitted for the big event.

Now, when my man Travis tried to drag me out here,

I said, "What are you, brain-dead

"from talkin' to too many Raider fans?

It's not going to work." But the fact of the matter is,

this could shape up as an epic day.

Hot-dog vendors, high-powered rifles,

I love the combination.

And apparently so do the fans.

Hey, shitheads! Listen up!

Everybody on their feet for the warden.

Anthony, wow. You can sit down.

Thank God.

Gentlemen...

Texas marshals have been kind enough to supply us

with a dozen of their finest sharpshooters.

So for those of you thinkin'

of mingling with the civilians...

or tryin' to make a break for it...

you will be shot.

In the head.

Now, let's all go out there and have some fun!

Crewe!

I'll see you on the field!

I think he's in love with you.

PAUL: All right, listen up.

I know it's hard to get psyched for the game

without Caretaker bein' here.

But somehow

that sick, skinny bastard

found a way to get us all fired up

from beyond the grave.

Caretaker's last gift to us.

Battle, I presume this is yours.

( inmates laughing )

I still don't think that's big enough.

That's it? No, that ain't it.

Caretaker said he'd find us some gear to wear.

( inmates cheering )

I think he found us a name too.

( triumphant string theme playing )

ALL ( chanting ): Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

( driving backbeat playing )

* Oh * * When I got the microphone *

* Oh * * When I'm flowin' on and on *

BERMAN: Good afternoon,

and welcome to a very special edition

of ESPN football, as today

the semipro Allenville Federal Prison guards

will be taking on the very prisoners they guard.

And with this special game, folks,

comes a special broadcast,

as I'm joined in the booth by Baby Face Bob.

Say hi to the folks, Bob-O.

MAN: Chris, we went to a commercial.

This job, Bob, it's a lotta give and take.

So when I bring ya in,

don't be afraid to talk to the folks.

Unless you don't want to.

( Ludacris' "Get Back" playing )

BERMAN: And here come the cons,

led by former NFL MVP quarterback Paul Crewe.

( booing )

( cheering )

CHEESEBURGER EDDY: Holy shit.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Well, hello. How are you?

MARSHAL: Back away from the girls!

Hey, now. Call me!

What the hell are you dressed up for?

Hey, I didn't spend 14 years in the joint

just to watch this game.

BERMAN: And there in the high-security bleachers

are the "good behavior" cons,

along with their...

cheerleaders?

ALL ( chanting ): We're the Mean Machine Don't mean to diss ya

We're gonna kick your ass And then we'll kiss ya

Hey! Ho!

What?

( scattered cheers and whistles )

I didn't do it!

( AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" playing )

( whistles ) Come on, Batt!

( blows whistle )

( crowd roaring )

* Thunder! *

What's that? Did you see that?

* Thunderstruck *

* Thunderstruck *

Damn it!

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

BERMAN: Papajohn's at the 20, the 10.

And he will score.

Sweet dreams, bitch.

BERMAN: That's a 90-yard return.

And I gotta tell ya, the cons seem more interested

in hitting the guards

than tackling the ball carrier.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Dad.

Thanks for pickin' me up from school.

BERMAN: And here comes the big story of the day.

Paul Crewe, serving a three-year sentence,

hasn't played since he was banned from the NFL

six years ago.

Center, shift it!

Shift it!

Hey, Sasquatch!

Twenty, hut!

BERMAN: Crewe drops back to pass.

Turley's leaving him unprotected.

Fumble!

( bellows )

Holy shit!

Goddamn it.

BERMAN: That's gonna be a personal foul on the big guy.

And this is certainly an inauspicious start

for the cons. Come here!

All right! You got him.

Now protect me!

Let's go! Hold 'em!

BERMAN: And here comes Knauer

and that big offensive unit for the guards.

Eighty-six.

Back to your cell.

Hut! Hut!

BERMAN: Knauer has Potter wide open. Touchdown, guards.

And in the first 90 seconds,

the guards are up by two touchdowns.

This one looks like it could be over early.

Sorry.

What are we celebratin' for?!

It's 14-nothing!

You guys wanna beat these assholes,

do it on the scoreboard!

Are you okay?

Oh, God, you're not hurt, are you?

Jesus, you sound like my mother.

Listen, if you wanna cry, you go ahead and cry.

I'll cry with you.

Get off me!

Get back out there and kick some ass!

Why are you yelling at me?

All I did was care!

( sniffles )

Look!

A broken leg will heal.

A loss to the Mean Machine lasts forever.

Sorry, guys.

Yeah, yeah. Me too.

All right. Now, let's get started!

Now, get the hell out there! Let's go!

ALL: Mean Machine!

( fast country-rock playing )

Way to go! Way to go!

BERMAN: There's the first sign of life

from the cons.

Let's see if Paul "Motley" Crewe

can make something happen.

Hut!

BERMAN: On first down, Crewe will throw.

He's got Deacon wide open.

That's gotta be pass interference.

But the ref is waving it off.

What?! Oh, come on!

Come on, now. I'm in this hellhole for less than that.

Be a man and make a call.

You're right.

Unsportsmanlike conduct! Eighty-eight, black!

What?!

( jeering )

Come on!

This is baby-back bullshit!

Bullshit, D.

Calm down. Let it go.

Let's call that one a questionable call.

Blue 42, hut!

BERMAN: The give is to Megget.

He spins to the outside. Megget has room.

He's at the 35.

The 40.

Oh!

He's brought down hard, by his facemask.

What?

Aw, come on, man! That was a facemask!

You're not gonna call that?

I saw a clean tackle, sir.

What you lookin' at? Are you serious?

Tell it to the parole board, criminal.

I mean, this is absurd.

We can't win with the refs on the payroll!

Listen up.

I got an idea to end all this bullshit.

INMATE: Come on, let's all stay up! Come on!

Down, set!

Red 58.

Cover your man!

Red 58. Hut!

( groans )

ALL: Oooooh!

Oh, ho, ho...

Oh!

That one hurt my marble sack.

NATE: All right! You all right?

Yeah.

What down is it? Fifth.

No, no. It would be fourth down.

Okay.

What do you think?

Should I go for the left nut this time?

LAMBERT: Underneath! Let's go!

Ref, you gotta get in the game!

Right over here!

BERMAN: Well, I don't quite get this,

but on fourth and 22, the cons are gonna go for it.

( laughing ): Down, set!

Red 58.

Red 58. Hut!

( crowd gasps, whistle blows )

Oh!

You gotta always protect the McNuggets.

( inmates laughing )

How 'bout from now on you call a fair game?

How's that sound?

( weakly ): Sounds good.

Okay. Wet Willie.

( giggling )

Yeah, you like that. Oh! Oh!

* Voulez, voulez *

BERMAN: And so the guards will take over

after one of the strangest offensive series

I've ever seen.

Okay, boys. We know who doesn't have any balls out there now.

Have we got any?

Have we got some balls?

Yeah! Yeah!

All right! Let's go kick some ass!

Come on, Swit, stand 'em up, baby.

( chuckling )

White 50.

White 50. Hut, hut, hut!

BERMAN: Knauer, play action.

Here comes the blitz.

Ouch!

Switowski is so big,

it's like being tackled by a Coke machine with legs.

This is fun!

( laughs )

Nice to see ya smiling, Bob.

Thanks, Chris.

Green 90! Hut!

BERMAN: Third and 5, and the give is to Megget.

He's to the 40, where he'll come up short.

But look at Turley push the pile.

And now Crewe.

And that's a first down!

And look out. Boy, somebody better

take control of this game soon,

or they're gonna need body bags on the sidelines.

Let's go, guys.

Come on. Start of the second quarter.

Cons still down by two touchdowns,

but they finally have some momentum.

Hut!

( shrieking )

Crewe with a shovel pass to Megget.

And Megget scrambles for a first down.

Oh, you fooled me.

I got ya there, didn't I?

You did. You know what, Engleheart?

You are the best-lookin' guy on your team. No kiddin'.

You know, Paul, in the midst of all this,

for you to say somethin' like that is...

( sobs )

Come on, let's go. Let's go, D.

BERMAN: First and 10 at the guard's 35.

Crewe dumps it over the middle to Deacon Moss.

And he's hammered at the 17 for a 13-yard pickup,

and that's a first down.

Hut!

BERMAN: Crewe, tryin' to get his team on the scoreboard.

He will throw.

And it's caught by Deacon Moss for a touchdown!

( cheering ) All right!

BERMAN: And so there'll be no shutout today,

as the cons are on the board.

( booing ) Quit booing, people.

Both teams are trying very hard!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Stop actin' like a damn cheerleader!

Sportsmanship, try it.

Shut up.

Damn.

BERMAN: 2:11 left in the first half.

And Dunham is back in at fullback.

And he is a load, at 6'2", 260.

Dunham, breaking tackles.

He refuses to go down.

But he finally does after a 15-yard gain.

That's how a white man runs a football.

If I was on D, I'd crack you

square in that egg-ass head of yours.

Yeah, but you ain't on D. Are ya, bitch?

Switowski!

Come here.

Do you know what he said to me in the library?

Yes.

Him. Out.

( growls )

D, D, defense D, D, defense

BERMAN: The cons don't seem to have an answer for Dunham,

who's averaging close to 12 yards a carry this half.

( growling )

Green 67.

Green 67. Hut!

BERMAN: Oh, what a hit on Dunham by Switowski.

( sniffing )

I think I made him shit himself.

Ooh, shit! I think he just shit himself.

ALL: I think he just shit himself.

Good lord. This guy shit himself bigtime.

Ha, ha. See?

I told you I made him shit himself!

MEGGET: Yo!

I'll make sure I send them books to the hospital, pimp.

And some diapers.

Nineteen seconds.

We got a lotta ground to cover.

So you bastards remember

that play we practiced in the mud?

What're you talkin' about?

That was some schoolyard bullshit.

Yeah. Let's try some schoolyard bullshit.

Come on, D, let's go.

Down, set!

Green 88.

Green 88. Hut!

BERMAN: The clock starts to run.

Crewe hands the ball to Megget. It's a reverse.

Cheeseburger Eddy's got it.

PAUL: Go, baby, go!

Whoop!

He laterals to Deacon.

Tackle him!

Whoop! To Turley.

The clock is running.

Whoop! To Brucie.

Shades of Cal-Stanford. Back to Crewe.

Whoop! He tosses to Megget.

Tackle him!

Whoop!

And look at that little Megget run.

Three seconds left.

Yeah! Go!

He could go all the way.

Touchdown!

( cheering )

Do that sound again.

Whoop!

I like that.

( whistle blows )

And so, on a miraculous play,

the cons end the first half with a score 14-all.

( booing )

Bring it in.

Do you have any idea who's beating you out there?

This was supposed to be a blowout,

and they're showin' you up in front of the whole nation.

The whole nation!

I like it when he's angry.

I told you! Way to go, baby, way to go.

( clears throat )

What in the hell do you think you're doin' out there?

Playin' football, sir.

I didn't say nothin' about winnin'.

We're not winnin'.

Not yet.

You got yourself

in quite a predicament, Mr. Crewe.

Is that right?

You see, it's just come to my attention

that inmate Unger has been taken into custody

for the murder of Caretaker.

Good. Oh, yeah, it's good.

Only thing is, he claims to have an accomplice.

Claims you knew all about it.

Hell, he even says

you sent Caretaker to your cell.

Bullshit.

Captain Knauer says

he saw you plannin' it with Unger.

There's no way that could hold up in court.

Court?

( laughs )

Hell, boy,

in Allenville, I'm the judge, I'm the jury,

and in your particular case, I'm the executioner.

What do you want?

I want you to lose.

I can't do that. 'Course you can.

After all, you've had plenty of practice.

But the men.

It's more important to them than it is to you.

Okay. Suit yourself.

Spend the next 25 years of your useless life

in prison.

All right, I'll do it.

But I don't want my guys hurt.

You get ahead, you coast. We clear?

Fine. Right after I get a two-touchdown lead.

I tell you what bothers me the most, warden.

That you're not gonna be out there on that field with us,

gettin' what you got comin' to ya.

The only thing comin' to me is victory.

"Mean Machine."

Heh. It's cute.

Let's go, boy!

We can do it, baby! Captain.

May I have a word?

Don't worry, warden, we'll take care of business.

I already have.

What?

We can win this on our own.

Captain, a man in my position

doesn't leave things to chance.

Now, after you get a comfortable three-touchdown lead...

I want you to inflict as much pain

as humanly possible.

Do not let up, you hear?

I want those cons

to understand who owns 'em.

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, yes, sir.

Good.

( crowd roaring )

BERMAN: There's the kickoff

and we're underway in the second half.

( whistle blows )

Megget is finally brought down at the guards' 33,

where Paul Crewe will take over.

And what a first half he's had.

Here we go! Here we go!

Down, set!

Y 45. Hut!

BERMAN: On first and 10, Crewe will pass.

He's got Deacon wide open.

Oh, incomplete.

It's okay. Get your head up.

It's all right, man.

Come on, Paulie.

Second and 10 from the 33.

Crewe is looking for Deacon once again.

He's open! He's open!

But overthrows him.

And it's picked off by Papajohn.

Look out! He might go.

Say goodbye.

Touchdown!

( cheering )

The first mistake Crewe's made all day.

Short memory, baby.

We'll get it back. We'll get it back.

INMATE: Defense! Let's do this!

BERMAN: 8:38 left in the third quarter

and Crewe has struggled thus far in the 2nd half.

Hut!

The pitch to Megget.

Oh, my! That ball is live!

It's picked up by Lambert.

He's at the 15, the 10 and he will score!

Yeah! Touchdown!

Yeah!

Crewe took a shot on that play and he's getting up slowly.

( inmates booing )

Meanwhile, in the end zone,

the guards have something to celebrate

as they find themselves up by two touchdowns.

This is simply a different Paul Crewe

we're seeing here in the 2nd half.

There's the old Paul Crewe we love to write about.

What the hell are ya doin' out there?

I'm done.

I'm out. That's it.

Where ya hurtin'? My knee.

Seems okay to me. Well, it ain't.

If Crewe can't go,

I don't know how deep these guys are at quarterback.

( blows whistle )

The guards'll try to keep it away from Megget

so they'll pooch kick.

Fair catch. Fair catch.

As Big Tony calls for the fair catch.

Oh! Watch out.

That was as late a hit as I've ever seen.

( crowd booing )

And even some of the home crowd not liking that one.

Hang in there, partner. Can of corn.

Can of corn and I'll be fine.

Can of corn.

Yeah, I'd have a hard time lookin' at me too.

NATE: Brucie.

Yeah, coach.

You're the only one that knows this offense, son.

Go do it. BERMAN: Coming into the game,

replacing the injured Paul Crewe

is number 1, Brucie.

All right. Crewe's playin' like shit. That's his problem.

I'm gonna bring us back.

Right, 32 Flex Dive Motion on one.

Ready! ALL: Break!

Yeah.

It's Brucie's time to shine, baby.

Okay. Down, set. Hut!

There's the snap and the ball is fumbled.

And the guards recover. Damn it.

Ah! I knew I shouldn't have had that popcorn.

The guards are in command here

as we move late into the third quarter.

Ninety-eight. Hut! Hut!

The give is to Potter.

Back to Knauer.

He's got a man open deep downfield.

He'll throw the flea-flicker!

And he's got it. Touchdown, guards.

And this game is starting to look like a blowout.

Hey, man,

after all Caretaker did, this is how you show him love?

Don't worry about it.

You haven't changed one damn bit.

All right. Down, set!

BERMAN: Back in at quarterback is Brucie,

who will try to find a handle on the ball this time.

Throw it, Brucie!

Aw, shit!

And look out.

Ooh! What a shot he took!

How much more blood do you want?

I think the cons

are just about out of options at quarterback.

( poignant theme building )

Hey, Skitchy, let me ask you somethin'.

When you popped the warden,

was it worth it?

Was it worth spendin' the rest of your life in here?

Was it worth it?

It was worth every goddamn second.

What the hell is he doin'?

Paul Crewe must be feeling better,

because here he comes.

PAUL: All right, I missed you guys, so I'm back.

We got a lot of work to do.

Let's get it goin'.

Deuce right, 89. Fly on two.

Ready?

Break.

BERMAN: As we start the fourth quarter, cons down by three touchdowns.

Wide left! Tight left!

Black 90. Hut! Hut!

Here comes the blitz and no one's blocking!

And Crewe will be sacked for a big loss.

That looked like a message to Crewe

from his offensive line.

Did you see that, man? They're quittin' on him.

Okay, baby. Jailbreak Blitz. Ready?

We got that outta the way.

I deserved it.

Now we gotta play some football.

Switch it! Switch it!

Cons need to do something to get back in this game.

And that's not it!

And Crewe is leveled!

I don't think he's gonna get up from that one.

Nice hit! ( spits )

( whistle blows ) But he is.

And I don't know how, after that last hit.

All right, punt team!

Keep them off the field! We're goin' for it.

Dumbshits are goin' for it! Let's go! Let's go!

Come on back. If he wants to get his ass kicked.

Come on back.

BERMAN: This is unbelievable.

Fine. You guys don't wanna help me, I'll do it on my own.

On two.

Let's go, to the line.

On fourth and 20, the cons are gonna go for it.

This could be the ball game right here.

Red 98. Hut! Hut!

Crewe dodges the blitz.

But he loses his helmet.

And he's not going down.

He's got the first down.

Time-out! ( blows whistle )

Man, oh, man. Not bad.

Huddle up.

Look.

I'm sure you already know this,

but I never said it out loud.

I did throw that game.

( inmates murmuring )

I did it.

I was in a bad way with some worse people.

After I did it...

I felt so shitty

I wish I would have just let them kill me instead.

Now,

the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me

if I don't throw this game.

So it looks like I'm gonna

get to know you guys a lot better,

'cause I ain't doin' that twice in a lifetime.

We got a little time left. We can still do this.

I'm beggin' ya.

Put your hands in here.

Okay. Thank you.

Now, who are we? ALL: Mean Machine!

Come on, Mean Machine, let's go!

That's great news.

All right.

We got ourselves a game.

Brown 65. Hut!

First and 10 from the 30.

Crewe finds Deacon open in the flat.

( AC/DC's "If You Want Blood (You've Got It)" playing )

Hut!

The give is to Megget.

And he fights his way for a 9-yard gain.

One yard, baby. One more yard.

Hut! Hut!

Crewe tries a sneak. Or is it?

He flips it back to Megget.

Megget's got the first down and more.

* There ought to be A whole lot more *

* You get nothin' for nothin' *

BERMAN: And Megget is down to the 4-yard line,

where it'll be first and goal.

Hut!

Crewe hands it to Turley.

And look at the big man go.

Tackle him!

( bellowing )

* You got it *

BERMAN: Touchdown!

( cheering )

That was some rumblin', bumblin', stumblin'

right there.

And listen to the crowd,

as this underdog con team is starting to win them over.

( Kool Keith's "Break U Off" playing )

( blows whistle )

Third down and 6.

Guards have the ball on their own 29-yard line.

Knauer needs a first down to put this game away.

White 50! White 50!

And look at Battle take off.

He knocks the ball loose!

There's a dogpile in the backfield.

The refs are tryin' to sort it out.

( flesh sears )

Ow! My arm!

The cons recover!

( cheering )

We got the ball! We got the ball!

We got it! We got it!

With just over two minutes left to be played,

this has turned into a game.

Crewe will start in great field position

at the guards' 25.

And look at this formation!

The guards, they're confused.

Shift over! Move!

They're tryin' to call time-out.

But there's the snap.

Moss is behind a wall of cons.

I wouldn't wanna be in front of that thing.

And they'll score!

( cheering )

Hey! Is that legal?

Yeah, it is. Is that a touchdown?

Yes, it is. What is going on here?

Shit!

BERMAN: And with the extra point,

the cons are down by just seven.

( energetic drum beat playing )

Brucie!

Yeah, coach.

I want you to go out there

and kick off.

I can do it. Kick off!

Brucie can't kick worth a shit.

I know. Recover the ball.

Jesus Christ, my savior.

If ya help me out with this one,

I promise to stop cheating on my wife

with black guys. Amen.

BERMAN: Back in the game is Brucie, and he'll do the honors.

And it's a horrible kick.

But the ball is tipped!

And the cons have come up with it!

( cheering )

We got it! One time-out.

Got it. Got it.

That's it, Brucie. Oh!

Hey, hey! My bad. My bad. My bad. Come on.

Gimme that. Damn--

Well, that felt unnecessary.

Cons have enough time for one final drive.

( blows whistle )

Crewe drops back to pass. He's under pressure.

Watch the pass!

He's looking for Deacon.

He gets the ball up, but he's leveled.

And Deacon's got it for a first down,

but he stayed inbounds.

Tick, tick, tick. The clock keeps running.

NATE: Clock's running.

Clock's still running! Clock's still running!

On the ball!

Goddamn it! Do something!

Hut!

Crewe. He's looking to throw. Under pressure again.

Go! Get rid of it! Now! Now!

He pitches it to Megget.

He's got some room.

Here we go. Here we go.

Go, Megg! Go, Megget!

Get him!

He could go all the way!

But he won't!

Goddamn it!

And Megget is hit hard at the 4 and he's hurt.

My knee, man!

You busted your knee for us,

we'll bust our ass for you.

Hey, coach, I need a back!

Just win this shit.

I'm goin' in.

Coach, you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

And look who's coming into the game.

You can do it!

Get that old ass of yours in the end zone!

We gotta win this thing! Come on!

( crowd cheering )

No, no, no, no. Hey. Old man.

Absolutely not.

You're gonna get killed out here.

They've been tryin' that for years.

Don't worry, I got the perfect play.

I ain't handin' you the ball. You don't have to.

BERMAN: Nate Scarborough, the former Heisman Trophy winner

from 1955, is gonna play tailback,

but he's gotta be in there

more for moral support than anything.

BABY FACE BOB: Mean Machine.

Mean Machine. Mean Machine.

Mean Machine.

SPECTATORS ( chanting ): Mean Machine Mean Machine

Mean Machine Mean Machine.

Mean Machine Mean Machine

BERMAN: Six seconds left on the clock. Cons down by seven.

They must score on this play.

Don't let them through!

PAUL: Down, set!

Black 99!

Come on, D!

PAUL: Black 99! Hut!

Hut!

BERMAN: The give is to the big man, Turley.

He's stopped by Lambert at the line

for no gain.

No! Wait!

The ball's picked up by Scarborough.

Come on!

Touchdown!

What an amazing comeback, folks!

Taking a play from the old Nebraska playbook.

The Fumblerooskie.

PAUL: Easy. Easy.

You still alive, old man?

Never felt better in my life.

You're a sick bastard. Come here.

All right.

And now the cons are a mere extra point

away from overtime.

Mean Machine!

Team vote.

We go for the win. We go for the tie.

Hell, guys, we're convicts. We always go for it all.

( inmates laughing )

Unfortunately,

that's why we're all in the joint.

What would Caretaker do?

Gimme that blackboard.

Yeah, come on!

Come on.

Are you serious?

I don't know. That play is wack.

It's gonna work.

It's gonna work.

Let's go. On the ball.

Come on! Let's go!

Let's go, y'all! Let's go!

I think it's gonna work.

Get them out there.

BERMAN: And wait a minute.

Crewe is coming back into the game.

The cons are gonna go for the win.

They're goin' for it.

Crewe, trying to settle his team into formation.

But there seems to be a lot of confusion.

Come on! Run the play!

Turley! Turley. Over here.

Move your giant ass right here! Right here.

Come on, baby. Come on.

BERMAN: The play clock is still running.

Crewe better call a time-out.

Come on, Crewe!

They don't know what we're doin'!

Run the play we set up.

I think you're still dizzy from that hit!

The snap is to Deacon.

It's a trick.

He throws it to Crewe.

( triumphant orchestral theme playing )

( crowd roars )

They did it! Unbelievable!

The cons win.

We win!

Group hug in the shower tonight!

( cheering silences )

Or not. Or not.

BERMAN: Well, there you have it.

A bunch of ruthless criminals

have beaten the men that uphold our justice system.

Criminals are people too, Chris.

Now, gimme your wallet.

What?

Just kidding.

You got a lot of balls, Crewe.

You played a hell of a game.

And don't worry,

I know you had nothin' to do with Caretaker's murder.

And I'll back that up.

Thank you, baby.

INMATES ( chanting ): Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

( chanting continues )

You humiliated me.

I can't believe you couldn't even win a fixed game.

HAZEN: Now, where the hell does he think he's goin'?

He's escapin'.

He's escapin'.

Officer, shoot that man!

But, sir, there's people.

Shoot him.

Crewe!

Captain,

I order you to shoot that prisoner.

Shoot him! Fire!

Crewe!

Damn it, I'm giving you an order, captain!

Crewe! Pull the trigger!

( panting )

It's the game ball.

Hey.

Why don't you stick this in your trophy case.

You have a nice time, old man?

Yeah. Yeah?

Okay. So, what do we do now?

Well, the first thing is,

we tell the team where they're hiding Unger.

Oh, I can't wait to see what Switowski does to him.

( laughs )

Great game, sir.

( both laughing )

That's a week in the hotbox!

BATTLE: Who gives a shit!