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COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT
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CONDONE THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMS
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AND DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM
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TAEMENT
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TAE
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ATTEMPTING THEM.
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ENJOY.
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WAIT.
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HEY, HEY, HEY.
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HEY.
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IT'S TIME WE SHUT THE.
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[ BEEP ]
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UP ABOUT HOW AWFUL THINGS ARE IN
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CHICAGO.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" IN A YEAR
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WHERE EVERYTHING IS SHIT, THE
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MIAM
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MIAMI HEAT ARE A SHINY BEACON ON
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THE HILL.
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THAT'S WHY I'M REP HALL OF
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FAMER, SEVEN TIME ALL STAR, TWO
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TIME DEFENSIVE PLAUR OF THE
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YEAR, MIAMI'S ALL TIME BLOCK
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LEADER AND SECOND IN REBOUNDS
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WITH A CAREER EARNINGS OF $143
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MILLION, ALONZO MOURNING!
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TONIGHT I GRILL THIS MEAT
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HEAD.
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I SOLVE AMERICA'S GREATEST
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PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS, SHITTING
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YOUR PANTS AND THIS WEEK'S LUCKY
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SOB.
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I THINK WE ALL KNEW THIS WAS
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GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN COVID-19
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SHUT DOWN THE CIRCUSES.
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♪
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WAIT.
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HEY, HEY.
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HEY, MASTER.
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WE'RE GETTING ONE OF THOSE
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ANNOYING AMBER ALERTS.
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UGH!
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THEY SHOULD START PUTTING
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REWARDS ON THESE ALERTS H A LOT
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MORE MISSING KIDS WOULD TURN UP.
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RANSOM PAID IN UNMARKED BANANAS.
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ASSUMING HE IS WORKING FOR GIZ
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GHISLANE MAXWELL.
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AM I EVER GOING TO GET IN
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TROUBLE FOR MY SEGMENT AMASIANS.
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THAT'S ASIANS DOING AMAZING
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THINGS.
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WHAT FLAVOR POP SSICLE IS THAT?
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THAT LOOKS LIKE A BAR OF SOAP.
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ENJOY.
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THAT WASN'T SEXY AT ALL.
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SHOULDN'T HE BE TRYING TO KILL
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JAMES BOND?
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WAIT FOR IT.
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THERE SHE GOES.
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SHE IS HITTING YOU, HUH?
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I GET THE SAME FEELING TRYING TO
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WATCH WESTWORLD.
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IT'S SO CONFUSING.
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I MEAN HOW HARD CAN THAT BE?
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I'M KNOWN FOR HAVING THE DEEPEST
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THROAT ON TELEVISION.
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I THINK IT'S TIME FOR I'M BETTER
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THAN YOU.
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STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO-DOO.
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POPSICLE CHALLENGE WITH ZERO
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BRAIN FREEZE.
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THE LET'S DO THIS.
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I'M BETTER THAN YOU.
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STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO-DOO.
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HIT YOU FOR A TWO-HAD FER.
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AM
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BORIS, WE'RE AT THE BATHHOUSE
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WITH THE GAY SEX.
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HAVE TO WATCH YOUR LITTLE
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TRICKS.
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THE WIDTH OF THAT POOL MADE
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LITTLE TO NO DIFFERENCE.
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BACK ONE QUARTER FLIP WITH
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VIRTUALLY NO SPLASH.
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NOW LET HIM REST AT THE BOTTOM.
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SO HE CAN ABSORB THE ENERGY FROM
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ALL THE OTHER COCOONS.
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UP NEXT, UNANSWERED QUESTIONS.
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I PLAY A VIDEO THAT MAUKZ ZERO
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SENSE AND ASK A BUNCH OF
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QUESTIONS ABOUT IT TO THE STUDIO
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AUDIENCE.
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WHICH NO LONGER EXISTS.
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SEASON OF MOURNING.
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WHOA.
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WHOA.
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WHAT YOU DOING, FOLKS?
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[ SCREAMING ]
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HOW MASSIVE WAS THE COCK THAT
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CAUSED THAT OVERFLOW?
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WHY WOULDN'T HE SIMPLY USE THE
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STAIRS?
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WHY IS THAT KID CRYING OVER A
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NISSAN ROGUE?
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IS SHE ON THE SFLEES IS THIS WHY
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THEY ASK FOR EXTRA TOWELS IN THE
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ROOM?
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DO YOU THINK THEY'LL TIP THE
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M
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MAID THAT HAS TO CLEAN THIS UP?
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IS THIS HAMPTONALITY?
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NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
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UNO MAS.
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YOU CAN DO IT.
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DON'T PUSSY OUT.
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DO THE TIKTOK.
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KILLING MORE TEENS THAN
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CORONAVIRUS.
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NOW, LET'S WATCH THEM USE THE
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STAIRS FOR THE LAST TIME IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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WELCOME TO SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH.
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HOME OF SCIENTOLOGY FOR
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CHRISTIANS.
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TURNS OUT LATTER DAY SAINTS USED
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BIKES FOR MORE THAN JUST
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SPREADING JOEY SMITH'S PYRAMID
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SCHEME.
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YOU CAN DO IT.
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DON'T PUSSY OUT.
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SHE'S ALLOWED TO CALL HIM
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THAT.
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IT'S HER WORD.
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TO ME, A PUSSY IS STRONG,
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CAPABLE, MAGNIFICENT, AND YUMMY.
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DON'T PUSSY OUT.
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PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE PUSSIED
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OUT, SCOTT.
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TOO BAD U TONIANS DON'T MAKE YOU
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WEAR A MAGIC HELMET.
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YOU ARE OKAY?
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SOMEONE'S TRYING TO GET OUT
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OF SPENDING TWO YEARS IN THE
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PHILIPPINES TRYING TO CONVERT
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PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND A
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WORD YOU'RE.
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[ BEEP ]
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SAYING.
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TAKE YOUR TIME.
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SUBDURAL HEMATOMAS GET BETTER
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THE LONGER THEY GO UNTREATED.
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DO YOU NEED TO GO TO THE
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HOSPITAL?
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YEAH.
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OKAY, I APPLAUD YOU.
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IF SHE CALLS AN AMBULANCE,
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SHE'LL HAVE TO STOP FIMLMING AN
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THEN I COULDN'T MOCK HIM ON
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TELEVISION.
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CAN YOU STAY HERE WHILE I GET
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CART AND TAKE HIM TO THE
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HOSPITAL?
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YEAH.
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CAN YOU STAY HERE AND WATCH HIM
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DIE WHILE I GO GET MY CAR AND
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DON'T COME BACK?
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YEAH.
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I'M --
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HELP ME.
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MAYBE HE WANTS TO DIE SO HE
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CAN GET HIS OWN PLANET.
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AN ACTUAL THING THOSE WIFE
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HOARDERS BELIEVE.
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FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
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BUT FIRST, THERE'S NOTHING I
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MISS MORE THAN THE SOUNDS AND
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SMELLS OF THE OLD BALLPARK.
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OH, MY GOD.
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DUDE.
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OH, MY GOD!
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YOU SEE NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.
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HE'S WHAT THE JACKASS CREW
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WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE IF THEY
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DID STEROIDS INSTEAD OF SPEED
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BALLS.
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THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME OF A
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BLACK PIMP FROM THE '70s.
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BELIEVE ME, THEY DON'T MAKE THEM
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ANY WHITER THAN OLD HJ.
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HE IS THE BRAINS AND BRAWN
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BEHIND THE BODYBUILDER VERSUS
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CHANNEL.
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VERSUS WHAT?
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MY BONER IF HE'S NOT CAREFUL.
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HOUSTON'S VIDEOS FOLLOW A SIMPLE
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FORMULA.
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HIS BROS COMMIT WAR CRIMES ON
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HIM IN AN EMPTY FIELD AND HE
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SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER.
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HE'S BEEN POWER WASHED,
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BUCKSHOT, BULL WHIPPED AND
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CAUGHT MORE PAINT BALL THAN A
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PROTESTER IN PORTLAND.
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THE ONLY CHALLENGE HE HAS SLLEF
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IS TO READ A BOOK.
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THERE ARE TENS OF DOLLARS TO BE
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MADE FROM HIS 200 MILLION VIEWS
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ON YOUTUBE.
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HE PROBABLY GOT GROSS NOW THAT
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ALL THE GYMS ARE CLOSED.
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I FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD
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PREPANDEMIC FOR THIS CELEBRITY
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PROFILE.
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HEY, DANIEL.
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COOL SHORTS.
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THANKS, HOUSTON.
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PERFECT TIMING.
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I WAS JUST SETTING UP MOST
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PAWNFUL STUNT YET.
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STAYING ON THE X AND TRYING NOT
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TO FLINCH.
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ALL RIGHT.
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ALL RIGHT.
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LET'S GET YOU MIKED UP.
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WE RAN OUT OF TAPE.
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SO I APOLOGIZE IF THIS IS A
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LITTLE WARM.
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REALLY LOUD IN OUR SOUND GUY
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AS YEAR.
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WE'RE PAYING TRIBUTE TO FRANK
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CANNONBALL RICHARDS.
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YOU'RE RELATED TO FRANK
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CANNONBALL RICHARDS?
237
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CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
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AMERICA'S FIRST JACKASS.
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INSTEAD OF A CANNONBALL, WE'RE
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USING A ONE GAL CANNEN PAINT.
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THIS SEEM IRRESPONSIBLE.
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RELAX.
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00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:05,245
I PURCHASED A HALF MILE LONG
244
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FUSE.
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00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:06,079
IF THE I LEARNED ANYTHING FROM
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WATCHING YOUR VIDEOS IS THE KEY
247
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TO A GOOD STUNT IS ANTICIPATION.
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HOUSTON WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
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I'M FROM MICHIGAN.
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IS HOUSTON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
251
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YES.
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st.
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IS THERE ANY TEXAS TIE TO
254
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YOU?
255
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NO.
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I THINK I HAVE A GRANDPARENT
257
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NAMED HOUSTON OR SOMETHING.
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YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR
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GRANDPA'S NAME?
260
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?
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A GREAT GRANDPA.
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I DON'T LOOK THAT FAR BACK.
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CRAZY IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
264
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YOUR GRANDPA'S NAME WAS.
265
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YEAH.
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HOW OLD ARE YOU?
267
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25.
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HOW LONG YOU BEEN MAKING THE
269
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:36,509
I HAVE YOEZ?
270
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,645
THIS IS GOING ON THREE YEARS
271
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:38,845
NOW.
272
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,813
IT'S BODYBUILDER VERSE OR
273
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:43,449
B
274
00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:45,919
BODYBUILDER VERSUS?
275
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:46,219
VERSUS.
276
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:47,020
VERSUS PAIN?
277
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:47,620
ANYTHING.
278
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,422
P I'M PROVING MYSELF AGAINST ANY
279
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,890
PHYSICAL PAIN OR STUPID ENOUGH I
280
00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:52,192
THINK LOOKS FUNNY ON CAMERA.
281
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:55,528
OKAY.
282
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,162
LET ME TALK ABOUT YOUR PHYSIQUE.
283
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:56,462
IMPRESSIVE.
284
00:09:56,462 --> 00:09:57,530
THE YOU'RE NOT SKIPPING LEG
285
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:57,730
DAYS.
286
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:58,064
NO.
287
00:09:58,064 --> 00:09:59,732
THAT'S WHY I WEAR THE SHORT
288
00:09:59,732 --> 00:09:59,966
SHORTS.
289
00:09:59,966 --> 00:10:01,534
GOD, I HAVE TO START WORKING
290
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:01,868
OUT.
291
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,236
JUST THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL.
292
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,437
IT'S PROVEN THAT IT'S GOOD FOR
293
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,004
YOU, RIGHT?
294
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,406
NOW I WORRY ABOUT YOU.
295
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:07,540
YOU'RE DOING TWO THINGS.
296
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,776
BODY BUILDING CAN BE DANGEROUS.
297
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:10,810
AND THE STUNTS.
298
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,478
WE'VE HAD A BODYBUILDER ON OUR
299
00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:13,179
SHOW DIE.
300
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,914
AND WE'VE HAD A PERSON THAT DOES
301
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:20,920
STUNTS ON OUR SHOW DIE.
302
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,656
LET'S GO THROUGH THE 12 GAUGE
303
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:29,829
WITH RUBBER BULLETS.
304
00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:33,099
I GOT HIT WITH TWO OF THEM AT
305
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:33,299
ONCE.
306
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:34,434
BLEEDING FROM MULTIPLE
307
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:34,901
LOCATIONS.
308
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:35,735
THAT'S A VIDEO.
309
00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:36,903
THIGH PUNCHES.
310
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,137
I CAN'T.
311
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:40,473
YOU WOULDN'T THINK THAT ONE WAS
312
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:40,907
SO BAD.
313
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:41,674
IT SEEMS BRUTAL.
314
00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:43,243
I DIDN'T EXPECT TO HAVE MY
315
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,444
WHOLE LEG TO TURN INTO A BRUISE.
316
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,379
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
317
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:48,848
FUNNY LIKE OH, GET PUNCHED A
318
00:10:48,848 --> 00:10:49,048
BUNCH.
319
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:52,218
SHOT IN THE LEG WITH 21
320
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:53,386
RUBBER PAINT BALLS.
321
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:53,953
STOP.
322
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:54,587
HOW MANY WAS THAT?
323
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,489
THREE.
324
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:56,823
OH.
325
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,057
I LIKE IT.
326
00:10:58,057 --> 00:10:59,392
HOW MUCH WAS THAT AND THEY'RE
327
00:10:59,392 --> 00:10:59,792
LIKE THREE.
328
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:01,094
WE WERE REALLY BAD AT
329
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:01,461
COUNTING.
330
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,830
REALLY HARD TO KEEP GOING.
331
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:08,301
MY XUN IS SLOWLY GETTING RIPPED
332
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:08,668
OFF.
333
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,403
YOU DON'T WANT TO INCORPORATE
334
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:11,838
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL INTO YOUR
335
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:12,038
BITS.
336
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,773
I DID A FEW DRINKING VIDEOS.
337
00:11:13,773 --> 00:11:16,409
I DID TEQUILA SHOTS AND SQUATS
338
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:18,578
TO SEE IF I WOULD PUKE.
339
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,647
I FINISHED THE FIFTH OF TEQUILA
340
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:21,614
AND I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING
341
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,148
AFTER THAT.
342
00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:22,649
.
343
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:23,917
THAT SEEMS UNNECESSARY.
344
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:24,884
PAWN IS THE WHEEL HOUSE.
345
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:26,653
MY WHEEL HOUSE IS ANYTHING
346
00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:27,754
RIDICULOUS LIKE GETTING A TATTOO
347
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,155
ON THE TOP OF MY HEAD.
348
00:11:29,155 --> 00:11:30,623
THERE IS A TATTOO UP THERE?
349
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,425
IF I SHAVE MY HAIR, IT WILL
350
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,059
BE THERE.
351
00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:34,027
WHAT DID YOU ZBHET.
352
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,161
A BICEP.
353
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:36,095
WHAT IS WRONG?
354
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:36,462
OH, MAN.
355
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:38,064
st IS IT A RIGHT AND LEFT ARM?
356
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:41,367
WE MESSED UP THE THUMBS.
357
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:41,968
SO TECHNICALLY IT'S THE SAME
358
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:42,135
ARM.
359
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,469
YOU DON'T NEED TO LOOK INTO IT
360
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:44,571
THAT MUCH.
361
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,939
YEAH.
362
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:46,272
PRESSURE.
363
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:47,106
WHOSE IDEA WAS THAT?
364
00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:47,841
I THINK MINE.
365
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:49,242
BUT MY COUSIN WESTON IS LIKE
366
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:50,677
YEAH, I HAVE A PRESSURE WASHER.
367
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:52,245
I'M LIKE YEAH, BRING IT OVER.
368
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,713
LET'S DO SOMETHING WITH IT.
369
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:57,851
DID YOU TEST IT?
370
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,452
I KNEW IT WOULD DO SOMETHING.
371
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,821
WE ACTUALLY FILMED THE BIT,
372
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:03,056
LET'S JUST KEEP GETTING CLOSER
373
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:06,292
UNTIL WE SEE SOMETHING HAPPEN.
374
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:08,795
AND BY THE TOMB IME SOMETHING H
375
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:11,664
IT PEELED ALL MY SKIN OFF.
376
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,233
HOW DID THE SKIN HEAL?
377
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,434
TERRIBLY.
378
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,669
PUSS WAS COMING OFF MY XUN.
379
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:17,470
WHAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL THING
380
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:18,538
YOU'VE DONE ON CAMERA?
381
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:21,708
WHEN YOU DO SO MANY PAINFUL
382
00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:23,176
THINGS, IT'S HARD TO NARROW IT
383
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:23,409
DOWN.
384
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:26,980
I GOT PEPPER SPRAYED IN THE BUTT
385
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:27,180
HOLE.
386
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,715
AND HOW DID THAT FEEL?
387
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:32,185
KIND LIKE OF EQUIVALENT OF
388
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,120
POOPING OUT SPICY PEPPERS.
389
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,589
I HAVE A FORM OF IBS, I COULD
390
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,557
BROBBLY HANDLE THAT.
391
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,826
IT WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO
392
00:12:39,826 --> 00:12:40,493
MY GENITALS.
393
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:41,394
CAN'T GET IT OFF.
394
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,263
IT'S THERE UNTIL IT DECIDES TO
395
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:43,730
STOP BURNING.
396
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,164
IT'S IN MY PENIS HOLE.
397
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:46,666
WHAT IS ONE OF THE HARDEST
398
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:49,035
STUNTS DID YOU TO RECOVER FROM?
399
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,371
I GOT SHOT WITH IS,000 PAINT
400
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:51,504
BALLS.
401
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:52,572
WE PUT THAT ON THE SHOW.
402
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:52,939
YEAH.
403
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,108
YOU WANT TO BE A SHIRTLESS
404
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:55,808
STUD GET HIT WITH 1,000 PAINT
405
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:56,009
BALLS?
406
00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:59,979
I DO.
407
00:12:59,979 --> 00:13:01,447
DID YOU FLAESH BEING ON THE
408
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:01,748
SHOW?
409
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:02,649
WERE YOU OKAY WITH IT?
410
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:03,516
YEAH.
411
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:03,850
COOL.
412
00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:06,019
I REMEMBER PEOPLE STARTED
413
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:06,452
MESSAGING ME.
414
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:07,086
YOU'RE ON TOSH.
415
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:07,220
.
416
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,988
WHAT YOU DO IMPRESSIVE.
417
00:13:08,988 --> 00:13:09,389
THANK YOU.
418
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:10,023
THERE IS CRITIQUE.
419
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,991
SOME OF THE VIDEOS ARE.
420
00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:12,225
[ BEEP ]
421
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:12,559
WAY TOO LONG.
422
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:13,193
OKAY.
423
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:13,459
THE FAIR.
424
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,595
I'M ALWAYS LIKE JUMP TO SEVEN
425
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:16,696
MINUTES.
426
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:17,397
STARTING TO GET HURT.
427
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:24,404
I DO LIKE HEARING YOU SCREAM.
428
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:25,805
PEOPLE SAID I SOUND LIKE MARV
429
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:31,044
FROM HOME ALONE.
430
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:32,946
WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP AND BIG
431
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:33,146
GOAL?
432
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,514
I'M BAD AT THINKING DOWN THE
433
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:35,081
ROAD A TON.
434
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:35,682
THAT'S GOOD.
435
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,217
DO NEIGHBORS EVER CALL AND
436
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:39,853
SAY, HAU, THERE IS SOMEONE BEING
437
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:42,188
SHOT IN THE HEAD IN THE FRONT
438
00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:42,388
YARD?
439
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:46,059
I LIVE SURROUNDED BY FIELDS,
440
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:46,459
ASPARAGUS FIELDS.
441
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:48,862
WHAT DOES THE PEE SMELL LIKE
442
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:49,062
THERE?
443
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:49,729
BAD.
444
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:52,832
I GOT PEPPER SPRAYED AND
445
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,367
THERE WAS ASPARAGUS PICKERS
446
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,535
WATCHING ME DO THAT.
447
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:56,769
MICHIGAN, HUH?
448
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,238
THAT'S WHERE ASPARAGUS GROWS.
449
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,006
I DON'T THINK YOU WOULD EVER
450
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:01,441
SAID ASPARAGUS GROWS IN
451
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:01,708
MICHIGAN.
452
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:02,809
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CLIMATE I
453
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,177
THOUGHT IT GREW IN.
454
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,479
ARE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU?
455
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:07,580
EMBARRASSED OR JUST WORRIED?
456
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,982
MIXTURE OF ALL THREE.
457
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:09,249
THE YEAH.
458
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,783
IS THERE A MRS. HOUSTON
459
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:11,918
JONES?
460
00:14:11,918 --> 00:14:15,755
YEAH.
461
00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:16,523
[ BEEP ]
462
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,125
OH, MY GOD!
463
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:21,094
SHERWIN WILLIAMS MAKES A DURABLE
464
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:21,294
PAINT.
465
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:28,668
THAT DIDN'T WORK AT ALL.
466
00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:29,636
ALL RIGHT.
467
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,437
WHAT'S GOING ON.
468
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,305
I SHOULD HAVE HIT WITH YOU CAN
469
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,406
OF PRESUMER FIRST.
470
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:34,407
LET'S GET YOU CLEANED OFF BEFORE
471
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:41,414
THE SECOND ATTEMPT.
472
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:42,515
OH, MY GOD!
473
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,250
MISS YOU UNCLE FRANK.
474
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:45,018
SEASON OF MOURNING.
475
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:45,418
BAD NEWS.
476
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,353
SINCE WITH HE SHOT THAT
477
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:48,354
HOUSTON'S COUSINS STOPPED
478
00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:50,657
PARTICIPATING IN THE VIDEOS.
479
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:51,824
SEASON OF MOURNING.
480
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,593
NOW HE PAYS STRANGERS TO BEAT
481
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,395
HIM UP WHICH I BELIEVE IS A FORM
482
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,696
OF PROSTITUTION.
483
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:57,697
WE'LL BE RUGT BACK.
484
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,265
FIRST, WAKY WAKY, IT'S THE
485
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:08,474
SALMONELLA SURPRISE.
486
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:54,654
♪
487
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:57,323
COULD WE HAVE ENDED WITH A
488
00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:58,024
GLOBAL PANDEMIC?
489
00:15:58,024 --> 00:16:01,661
I GET IT, PUBLIC REST ROOMS ARE
490
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:01,961
DISGUSTING.
491
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,730
AND SOMEONE WITH A HAIR TRIGGER
492
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,698
BOWEL, I KNOW HOW NECESSARY
493
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:06,532
POOPING IN PUBLIC CAN BE.
494
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,334
I DUMPED EVERY PENNY I HAVE INTO
495
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:09,469
THE LATEST INVENTION.
496
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,437
I HOPE THE SHARKS ARE READY TO
497
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:11,838
FEED.
498
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,073
WELCOME TO THE SHARK TANK.
499
00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:15,575
HI, SHARKS.
500
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,443
I'D LIKE TO START THIS PITCH
501
00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:20,880
BY ASKING BARBARA TO WIRE ME
502
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,349
$400,000 YOU GULLIBLE OLD LADY.
503
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:26,052
WE LOVE YOU ALREADY.
504
00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:27,854
BABIES AND GRANDPAS HAVE
505
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:28,254
DIAPERS.
506
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:30,089
BUT NO ONE ELSE.
507
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:32,325
SURE, YOU CAN HOLD IN YOUR POOP
508
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,259
85% OF THE TIME.
509
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,928
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 25%?
510
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:39,632
HI, I'M DANIEL TOSH, THE FOUNDER
511
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:42,301
AND CFO OF POOP PANTS, THE
512
00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:43,770
WEARABLE, PORTABLE BATHROOM
513
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:44,170
ZBLCHT I'M OUT.
514
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,538
RIGHT NOW EACH ONE OF YOU IS
515
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:46,672
PROBABLY WANTING TO MAKE A DEAL
516
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:47,807
JUST TO INVEST IN THE PANTS.
517
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:49,675
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT YOU
518
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,310
CAN SHIT IN THEM.
519
00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:52,278
THAT'S AMAZING.
520
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:53,880
I'M GOING TO GO AGAINST MY
521
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:54,514
GUT.
522
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:55,815
LET'S PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
523
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:57,617
YOU'RE BACK IN.
524
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:57,884
BEAUTIFUL.
525
00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:00,153
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THANKS TO MY
526
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:01,654
INNOVATIVE PRODUCT THAT SHIT IN
527
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:03,356
YOUR PANTS WON'T BE A HORRIBLE
528
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,291
STAIN IN YOUR BRAIN.
529
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:05,725
THAT'S RIGHT.
530
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,593
CAN'T FIND A STALL?
531
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:10,296
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
532
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:14,434
JUST DROP TROWEL THEN KA-POW!
533
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:15,835
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
534
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:17,970
THE HUMAN BODY WASN'T DESIGNED
535
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,005
TO BE MORE THAN 30 FEET AWAY
536
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,039
FROM ANY TOILET.
537
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,608
WE'VE ALL BEEN CAUGHT AT COSTCO
538
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:25,244
SHAKING A DUKIE DOWN THE
539
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:25,445
PANTLEG.
540
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:25,945
THAT'S ON THEM.
541
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:28,981
YOU CAN'T GIVE OUT FREE SAMPLES
542
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,249
OF SPICY HUMMOUS.
543
00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:31,351
FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS.
544
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,286
I RECOMMEND TAKING 12 WEEK
545
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,487
CERTIFICATION COURSE WITH ENOUGH
546
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,789
PRACTICE CAN YOU GET YOUR BUILD
547
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:37,757
TIME IN UNDER 40 MINUTES.
548
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,393
AT THE VERY LEAST I RECOMMEND A
549
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,661
DRY RUN.
550
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:48,334
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS IS A WET
551
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:48,768
RUN.
552
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:49,702
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
553
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:50,837
I FEEL MUCH BETTER.
554
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,105
ACTUALLY, SMELLS PRETTY GOOD.
555
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,639
AND THERE'S AN ATTACHMENT
556
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,641
THAT HOOKS UP TO YOUR DISHWASHER
557
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:56,642
FOR EASY CLEANING.
558
00:17:56,642 --> 00:17:58,277
I PREFER THE VERTICAL ASPECT
559
00:17:58,277 --> 00:17:59,278
TO IT.
560
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:00,480
ALL FOUR GALLONS.
561
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,881
GIVE OR TAKE A SQUIRT.
562
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:02,982
YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT
563
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,984
YOU WOULD WEAR HOME.
564
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,486
WELL, HANGING INSIDE YOUR
565
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:09,422
PORTABLE WEARABLE BATHROOM IS A
566
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:12,959
SECOND FREE PAIR OF POOP PANTS.
567
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:13,726
WHILE SUPPLIES LAST.
568
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:14,694
WHAT ARE THE SALES?
569
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:15,428
I HAVE NONE.
570
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:15,928
NOTHING?
571
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,697
I'M IN THE HOLE ABOUT $6,000.
572
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:20,233
BUT I'M ASKING FOR 100% OF YOUR
573
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,101
NET WORTH SO YOU STOP DOING THIS
574
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:22,301
SHOW.
575
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:25,438
I THINK YOUR VALUATION IS
576
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,839
STINKY POO-POO.
577
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:27,473
I'M OUT.
578
00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:29,642
I'M OUT.
579
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,811
I'M OUT.
580
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,112
YOU'RE AN.
581
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:33,346
[ BEEP ]
582
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,113
AND GET THE
583
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:34,347
[ BEEP ]
584
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,114
OUT OF HERE.
585
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,083
I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY.
586
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,317
GET ANOTHER SPONGE.
587
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:39,952
I BET MR. WONDERFUL WISHED HE
588
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,354
HAD THOSE WHEN HE FOUND OUT HIS
589
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:42,388
WIFE KILLED A GUY.
590
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:46,826
SOMETIMES ANIMALS DON'T NEED
591
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:47,093
RESCUING.
592
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,594
THEY NEED SAL RVATION.
593
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:52,031
HERE IS THE RELIGIOUS QUACK OF
594
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:52,298
THE WEEK.
595
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:56,002
SIR, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE TO
596
00:18:56,002 --> 00:19:00,473
SPEAK ABOUT THIS?
597
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,643
SEE YOU IN HELL, BIER.
598
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:04,177
WE'LL HAVE MORE ON COMEDY
599
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:04,377
CENTRAL.
600
00:19:10,248 --> 00:19:12,083
WELCOME BACK TO THE ONLY TV
601
00:19:12,083 --> 00:19:14,519
SHOW THAT REFUSES TO XBEKT THE
602
00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:16,388
RESULTS OF THE 2020 NBA FINALS.
603
00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:17,689
WE DON'T OFTEN HAVE WORLD FAMOUS
604
00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:19,424
POP STARS ON THIS SHOW.
605
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:24,196
AND NEXT WEEK IS NO EXCEPTION.
606
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:27,132
♪ I SEE HERE IS JOSHUA TREE
607
00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:28,633
♪ WHAT I SMEEN I HE REALLY LIKE
608
00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:29,734
YOUR PENIS ♪
609
00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:32,370
♪ I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED
610
00:19:32,370 --> 00:19:32,604
AGAIN ♪
611
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:34,840
TUNE IN TO FIND OUT WHAT THE
612
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:35,307
METAPHORS MEAN.
613
00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:37,042
FOLLOW ME ON THE FOUR MAJORS OF
614
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:39,110
SOCIAL MEDIA.
615
00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:40,278
AS YOU KNOW, THESE ARE FINAL
616
00:19:40,278 --> 00:19:42,114
EPISODES ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
617
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:43,515
AND JUST BECAUSE I'M MOVING ON
618
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:44,950
TO ANOTHER NETWORK, DOESN'T MEAN
619
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:47,018
THAT I DON'T LOVE CC.
620
00:19:47,018 --> 00:19:48,720
AND TO PROVE IT, WE HAVE BEEN
621
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,857
PAYING TRIBUTE TO MY FAVORITE
622
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,759
EXECUTIVES THAT MADE "TOSH.0"
623
00:19:54,759 --> 00:19:56,394
THE LONGEST RUNNING LIVE ACTION
624
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:57,963
SHOW IN NETWORK HISTORY.
625
00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:02,601
THIS WEEK, IT'S DIAMOND DOUG
626
00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:02,834
HERZOG.
627
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:04,636
BIG DOUG!
628
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:05,770
THIS GUY WASN'T JUST IN CHARGE
629
00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:08,039
OF COMEDY CENTRAL, HE WAS
630
00:20:08,039 --> 00:20:11,476
PRESIDENT OF THE WHOLE KITTEN
631
00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:13,278
CABOODLE.
632
00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:14,679
HE LAUNCHED CAREERS OF JON
633
00:20:14,679 --> 00:20:16,548
STEWART, STEVE KA RELEVANT,
634
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:19,017
STEPHEN COLBERT, AMY SCHUMER,
635
00:20:19,017 --> 00:20:21,787
JORDAN PEELE.
636
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:22,788
HIS SON EVEN WORK AT MY OFFICE.
637
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,389
DOUG ONCE LET ME BORROW THE
638
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,057
VIACOM JET TO FLY TO NEW YORK
639
00:20:26,057 --> 00:20:28,894
CITY FOR 20 MINUTES OF STANDUP.
640
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:31,863
I HEAR HE IS OVER AT QUIBI NOW
641
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:32,931
WITH KATZENBERG.
642
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:35,500
I SHOULD GIVE HIM A CALL.
643
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:36,802
FINALLY THIS WEEK LUCKY SON OF A
644
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:42,908
BITCH.
645
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:44,309
ANOTHER UNSATISFIED CUSTOMER
646
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:46,578
COMING BACK TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
647
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:47,345
HIS BRAKE JOB.
648
00:20:47,345 --> 00:20:49,781
GOOD THING HE ALSO MESSED UP HIS
649
00:20:49,781 --> 00:20:54,619
ALIGNMENT YOU LUCKY ASS SOB.
650
00:20:54,619 --> 00:20:55,053
DISENGAGE HOLOGRAM.
651
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,087
GOOD NIGHT.
652
00:21:06,273 --> 00:21:15,448
♪
653
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:29,729
♪
44350
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