All language subtitles for Three.to.Tango.1999.1080p.WEBRip.DD2.0.x264-QOQyn

♪ I like coffee, I like tea ♪

♪ I like you, baby, next to me ♪

♪ You're as cool as red-Hot lava ♪

♪ Jumpin' east of java ♪

♪ Cream and sugar sure tastes sweet ♪

♪ But, baby, you got all that beat ♪

♪ You're the chick with the swingin' feet ♪

♪ Jumpin' east of java ♪

♪ Get with it, man, all the hip cats know ♪

♪ Baby, it takes three to tango ♪

♪ Steamin' like a volcano ♪

♪ Jumpin' east of java ♪

♪ Oh, it takes a lot of coffee beans ♪

♪ Just to make a single cup ♪

♪ You've got me percolating ♪

♪ Bum bum ba dooba do bum bum ba dooba ♪

♪ Get with it, man, all the hip cats know ♪

♪ Baby, it takes three to tango ♪

♪ Steamin' like a volcano ♪

Okay.

Yep. We walk in there...

Yes. Shake hands.

Where do we sit?

Down?

Down. Right. Good. Down.

Why not?

Are you going to say hello first or am I?

Why don't I say hello first?

Okay. Good. This is going to be OK.

More than okay. It's going to be marvelous.

Are you sure? Because last night I dreamt

that when we walked into this
meeting I had no clothes on.

Well, I was wearing a doily.

And then Julie McCoy from
the love boat was there

and she had 3 breasts.

And then we kind of fell into a hot tub,

and then all of a sudden,
she wanted a commitment.

I'm freaking out!

I'm freaking out.

Okay, Oskie, here's what we're gonna do.

We're going to have a signal.

If you start to babble,
just watch for the signal.

No babbling, no chatting, no small talk.

We've got a signal now, so we can do this.

Okay. Yes, you're right.

We can do it. Thank you.

We're gonna walk in there and kick some ass.

Kick some ass. Say it with me.

Kick some ass! Kick some ass!

Hold me.

It's a bit much, I know.

You look intimidating in this picture.

I asked, but they wouldn't run a nude photo.

Now that would have been really intimidating.

What are you doing today?

I can't disclose that information.

You never tell me anything.

I love it when you get all mushy like that.

Oh!

This song is too slow.

When do I see you again?

Whenever I feel like it.

Ha ha ha!

Ahem, Mr. Newman.

It is now 3:55.

From 4:00 until 6:30 you will be hearing

proposals for the cultural center.

I'll be right out.

Hi.

Also, your wife called.

She's expecting you for
dinner at the Ritz at 8:00.

Thank you.

No, wait, Amy! I'm outta here.

Call me later!

Oh!

I'll buzz you when the first
team of architects arrives.

Peter, before we go in,
I just wanted to say

That I know I would never have
an opportunity like this

without you, so...you know.

Whatever happens in there,
I just want you to know that...

I'm very honored to be your partner.

You are the best partner
that a man could ever have.

Okay.

Now, let's go inside

before you start singing or something, OK?

Okay.

Oh, look at this.

It's Gilligan and the Skipper, too.

What have you studmuffins been up to lately?

Well, we've become triathletes, actually.

We bike, we swim, we...

also do the third thing.

By the way, congratulations
on the work you did

On that men's room in the bus station.

Yes, your use of mosaic in the urinal trough

was vaguely reminiscent of the 90-foot mural

we did in the lobby of the Hancock building.

Except people don't line up to piss on ours.

That's not true. We read the reviews.

Ouch. Humor.

Decker and Strauss.

Oops. Let's go nail this job.

See ya.

Watch your feet.

Pardon me.

Well, I'm not worried. You?

No. Absolutely not.

We're dead.

Yeah, we're dead.

Oops.

Sir, the Charles Newman Cultural Center

would redefine cultural life
as we know it in the city.

There'd be a museum, an opera house,

an international food court.

Picasso, Madame Butterfly...

Burritos.

Interesting.

Um, Steinberg and Novak.

Oskie...

Okay. Oh, yeah.

Good luck, ladies.

Thank you.

Gentlemen?

So, you've worked with those two men?

We did.

Are they really, you know, partners?

Oh.

Of course, Peter is, you know,

but Oscar is...

Actually, Josh, Oscar is very,
very, you know.

It's nice to meet you, sir.

It's nice to meet you, sir.

They...they hang out at, you know, bars,

and they march in the, you know, parade.

They have, you know,

sex with, you know, men.

It's very nice to meet you, sir.

He can hear you.

No, he can't. Yes, he can.

Hello, Mr. Newman. I'm Peter Steinberg,

This is Oscar Novak.

It's very nice to meet you.

How are you guys doing today?

Great. Couldn't be better.

It's an honor to meet you,

And your office is...
Hey, you have a Buddha.

Oh, I love Buddhas.

They're like bright
cheery naked Asian Santas.

I had a buddy in college
whose name was Bob

and we used to call him "Buddha Bob"

because he was kind of fat
and liked to walk around naked.

We used to rub his belly for luck.

Anyway...I love Buddha.

He rocks.

The Buddha is an important spiritual figure

from which I draw tremendous inspiration.

Just kidding.

Let me hear what you have.

The Telford was not just
considered a great museum,

but a wonder of the age.

Wow.

I barely recognize it.

We propose a renovation

That modernizes and expands the Telford

without eclipsing any of its classic glory.

You see, to us, the Telford
is a work of art.

One of Chicago's true monuments.

Preserving it would be more than a job for us.

It would be an opportunity...

Sorry.

Just a sec.

Lenore?

Shh. Yes, Mr. Newman?

Bring in Decker and Strauss
and my Echinacea drops.

I liked your presentation.

Big, modern, bold.

And you two, preserving the old

and contrasting it with
the new, I like that, too.

You especially, I like.

Passionate, sincere, goofball.

You find him?

Found him and housebroke him.

This is what we're gonna do.

You will each build a model...
Big models...

And we'll do it in the Telford itself.

What do you guys think of that?

I love it.

The press will love it,

And then I...I pick the winner.

I just think that's...that's...

a fantastic...ahem...fantastic idea.

You'll pay for these models
out of your own budget.

Do you know how unfair it is

Him getting your hopes up like that?

As if you two even have a ghost of a chance.

I'll tell you what...
When we get the job,

we'll throw a couple
of men's rooms your way.

Ha ha! Men's rooms!

Okay. How much is this going to cost?

$150,000.

Well, that's too much.
That's too much.

I could take out a second
mortgage on my apartment.

Come on, Peter, you have already

invested, like, everything into this company.

I can't let you do that.

We have to.

We don't have to.

Oscar...we're going to get this job.

We're gonna get this job.

We're gonna kick some ass!

Kick some big ass!

I love you! I love you!

I love you!

We were just...

Very nice to meet you both today.

Here we go.

Well, that seems to be a close partnership.

Yeah, they seem very close.

What do you mean?

Oh, you know.

Really.

Phew.

They're both gay? The goofball, too?

Openly.

I'm so excited. I'm overly excited.

Right here...

and then we walk around...

whoo!

I have some bad news.

I can't make it to your opening
at the gallery tonight.

I did my best,

but Olivia's been planning
this benefit for months.

That's okay.

I'm sick about the whole thing.

It's all right, Charles, really.

So...

Who's gonna be there?

Charles, don't start.

If I'm not there,
it's a perfect opportunity

For one of these clowns
you dated to get back in.

Charles, come on.

What about that guy from art school

who paints the flags from around the world

on people's asses and
then he photographs it?

I hate that guy.

Not to mention Kevin Cartwright.

With his big grotesque muscles

and his "Mr. Nice Guy" act...

Ahem.

Kevin.

So good to see you. I got a little cold.

Great game last week.

Congratulations on the new contract.

Thanks. Appreciate it.

I'll just use these big grotesque muscles

to load this stuff out in the van.

See you at the gallery.

Charlie, you look good.
You been working out?

Thanks, Kevin. You're a lifesaver.

Imagine a dome flanked

by 4 sky-lit pyramids on either side.

What Oscar and I see

is a convergence of 2 classical styles...

with an interplay of...

Mr. Newman, I would like
to say at this juncture

how grateful we are for this opportunity.

We're excited and...and...

Oscar, your might want
to save some of your dignity

for later in the afternoon
in case you need it.

I'm just trying to tell him
how thrilled we both...

I appreciate your loyalty, Oscar.

It's a rare commodity these days.

Can I talk to you for a moment privately?

You know, you're quite
a guy, Oscar Novak.

Novak, that's Hungarian, right?

Yeah.

Great.

You know, Lenore told me about...

Anyways, I told her I think it's great

to have people of your
background working for me.

You, Peter...

Oh, oh, Peter isn't.

He isn't?

No. I am, though. 100%.

I see.

You'd be surprised
how many of us there are.

Whatever. Doesn't bother me.

Oscar, could I be honest with you?

I'm married.

Well, how nice for you.

I also have a girlfriend.

Oh. Great.

Amy is an amazing woman.

Artist, impulsive, unpredictable.

A free spirit.

Tonight she opens an exhibit of her work.

I can't be there.

This was very upsetting to me,

But I'm not upset anymore.

You're not?

No. Because I know you'll be there.

Great. Thank you. I will?

I'd like you to stay close to her,

Tell me who she talks to,
that sort of thing.

One guy in particular. Kevin Cartwright.

Ex-Boyfriend. Real persistent guy.

I'm very worried about him.

What do you say?

Peter Elasovic kicking it away.

Hangs it high.
Batman Holman will grab it on the 7.

Go, buddy!

Go, go, go, go!

Aah!

OK, run me through this one more time.

Charles asked you to spy on his mistress

And you just said yes.

What else could I have said?

Let's see. No.

Whoa. What have we got this week?

Dim sum.

Hurry up and dim me sum.

Rick, you don't put ketchup on dim sum.

Why?

Because, Rain Man, dim sum
are not french fries.

Oskie, it is really important to me

that you grasp the delicacy of the situation.

You can't just go off on
some spying expedition.

Let him go. What's the big deal?

Catch the ball, for Christ's sake!

What do you think of these?

As clothing?

So this honey, Charles' girlfriend,

is she...is she hot?

He can't afford to go out
with an ugly girl.

Give it up for Charles. What'd I say!

I don't know what she looks like.

What I do know is before
she went out with Charles,

She went out with Kevin Cartwright.

Holy shit.

Who? Damn. Really?

The running back.

We watch him every week.

For 7 seasons.

Oh. Yeah.

There you go. There you go.

There it is.

You know what the deal is with that guy?

He caught a really big fish?

No, man. That he's hung like an army mule.

They call it the Ponderosa.

Like from Bonanza.
The Cartwrights? The Ponderosa?

What up?

You're white, man. Let it go.

I don't think you gents are really grasping

the gravity of the situation.

This job could really land Oscar and I

in the major leagues,

and, well, since Charles
is such an important guy,

Chances are that his
girlfriend is a foxy one.

That's the problem. We all know how Oscar

handles himself around the honeys.

There it is!

Give me some credit?
I have a degree of self-Control.

I don't just fall over
every pretty girl I see.

Man's got yeah. Complete control.

Yeah, Peter, you're paranoid.

Yeah. Okay? So don't worry.

Later. Good night, guys.

Oscar!

I want you back here by 10:00, OK?

Dorm check at 11:00!

You know what's funny?

You're so screwed.

Start looking for another job.

Which one of you wants
to get bitch-slapped first?

I'll go second.

I had no idea things
were so hairy in Bosnia.

Yellows and purples.
I just love all this.

Ooh! Pardon.

Whoa!

Oh!

Hmm.

Excuse me.

Shit! Piss!

Damn it! For Christ's sakes!

They're supposed to screw these things.

Thank you. You saved me.

Oh, well, you have to protect
something as beautiful as you.

As it.

You're not beautiful, the sculpture is.

I am so sorry.
This never should have happened.

By the way, have I told you
how enchanting you look?

Wow.

Hey.

Saw you catch that piece. Nice moves.

Wow, thanks.

Coming from you, that's a huge compliment.

You still hold the college record

For the most penis in a single season.

So you have all of my stats?

Oh, yeah. I'm a huge fan.

I used to have that poster of you.

Ha ha ha!

Did I say penis back there?

You did.

Thought I'd let it go.

Thank you.

So do you come to these
gallery things all the time?

Actually, I'm very close
to the artist, Amy Post.

Oh, really. How close?

Right. Close.

So what are you doing after the show?

I mean, did you come here
with anybody besides Amy?

Well, actually, I...

Will you excuse me just for a moment?

Yeah. You go ahead.
You got it goin' on.

Yeah.

You got it goin' on.

Excuse me.

There you are.
I've been looking for you.

I'm Amy Post, and I owe you one.

Hi. I'm...I'm...

Oh, boy. Oscar Novak.

It's nice to meet you, Oscar.
Thank you for saving that piece.

Oh, it was an honor.
Your work is amazing.

I mean, it's really incredible.

Really? Wow.

Don't get me wrong.
I could do it better.

Oh?

Yeah. I don't actually blow glass,

but if I did, I could do it a little better.

Ha ha ha!

There's a party for some artists
at a bar across town.

I want to buy you a drink.
Pay you back for saving my ass.

Oh, I don't think...

- Oh, see you guys over there.
- Bye!

Wait a second. You said
your name was Oscar Novak?

- Of Steinberg and Novak?
- Yeah.

Oh, my god, that is so wild.

I know Charles Newman.

You do?

Huh. Yeah.

I love the Telford.
One of my favorites.

Thanks. Me, too.

I know every curve of it.

It's kind of like a person to me.

That's scaring you.

No.

No, that's how I feel about my stuff.

I get very caught up in my pieces.

I feel like they're my kids or something.

Yeah.

Really? I even talk to them.

OK. Ha ha ha!

See? I'm even scarier than you.

We're a couple of kooks, you and me.

I think he's dealing with that rather well.

Maybe we should just walk?

No, it'll be fine.
I'm gonna check the engine.

I'm gonna check the...

- Okay.
- Oscar...

Probably just a hose.

Or not.

Mm-Hmm.

Go. Come on.

All right.

Go. Just go.

It'll rain in a second.

Uh, I have a question.

Hmm?

What the hell are you doing?

Three sounds at once.

All right, that's horrifying.

Please do it again.

Excuse me, that's not
three sounds at once.

No, it is. It goes "bmp"
and "tsk" and the humming.

Okay.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

Here, let me. I got it.

Unh!

Oh, god, you hurt yourself.

No. No. You hurt me.

Yeah, see, you hit me in the face.

I'm sorry.

Wait.

So, what's good here?

Tuna melt.

Ooh, what else is good?

Tuna melt.

What do you think?

Two tuna melts.

So, you seeing anyone right now?

Uh, me? No.

I have trouble finding
people that are compatible.

They always want to sleep
on my side of the bed.

What side? Left side.

Get out. I like the left side.

See?

Are you lonely?

No. No. You're okay company

as long as you're not
beating the hell out of me.

I get it.
You don't like to reveal too much.

I resent that.
And I would respond to it

if it weren't so revealing.

Then you change the subject
with a joke. Got it.

I will let you know when I am joking.

This is not food.

I think it looks good.

Try it.

Oh, are you okay?

Mouth...watering.

God! I knew that tuna melt tasted funny.

I'm lucky I can eat just about anything.

Know why? My mother was a horrible cook.

She made this chicken thing
that smelled like she took

an old tennis shoe, a wet dog,
and some bleu cheese...

Mmm!

I'm sorry.

Could you excuse me for a second?

Sure.

Boy, I feel good.

Oh, God. Don't worry.
You'll feel better in a second.

It just doesn't get better than this.

You still want to go to that party?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Are we sure this is safe?

It's safe. Allow me.

Oof!

Ha!

Mmm!

Maybe we should skip the party.

Mmm.

Hey, I'm sorry about before.
How are your balls?

They're fine.
Thank you for asking that.

I had a great time tonight.

One catastrophe after another.
I loved it.

Me, too.

This is me.

Oh.

Would you like to come down to my shop

sometime, see me work?

Oh, yeah. That'd be great.

Tomorrow? I could always use a little help.

Oh, um...

Oh. I'm sorry.

You're probably really busy.
That's okay.

No, I'd really love to.

Say no more. I understand.

What happened?

Gee...

What the hell happened to your head?

I've been up for 9 hours. I got bored.

You're a very strange man.

Now, will you get out of my apartment?

What happened? Nothing.

Oskie, Oskie, it's 6:00 in the morning.

It was awful, okay?

As soon as we left the gallery,
our cab caught on fire.

Then she elbowed me in the face.

Then... We both threw up.

Then she slammed a car handle
into my balls, okay?

The entire night was a total disaster.

You're in love with her.

Pretty much.

Oscar, I'm going to have
to default on my mortgage

and move into the street
and live in a box

and walk up and down the
street with a little bowl

begging for gruel and crusts of bread,

because of you, you bastard!

I told you, nothing happened.

Something always happens.

When it comes to you and romance,

much as I love you,
something always happens.

You know what? I resent that, OK?

I've had plenty of relationships
that were very successful.

Before they went absolutely nowhere.

I'm sorry. Oscar, listen.

I didn't mean that.
I really didn't mean that.

You gotta see this woman, Peter.

She's beautiful...

and funny...

and smart.

And she has an ass that is so sexy

that I struggle to even understand it.

Are you going to crochet
that into a pillow

and send it to her mother?

Ha.

You know, you're starting to sound

like you have a very
low opinion of me, sir.

Oscar, you know that's not true.

It's just that this project

Represents such a major opportunity for us.

All of our dreams could come true.

I'm sure Amy is lovely and complicated,

but there are a million girls out there

and just one project like this,

so I'm begging you, please, please,

stay away from Amy.

And her bewildering ass.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay, I'll stay away.

Sorry.

Move it!

How much are we paying them?

They're interns. They're free.

Yeah, well, we're getting ripped off.

Hello.

Oscar, how are you?

Oh, hi, Charles.
Hold on for just one second?

It's Charles!

How'd it go?

It went great.

Yes, I don't think you have
anything to worry about there.

Cartwright... It was great.

I see. Excellent. Thank you very much.

I know this whole thing
may seem extreme to you.

I'm not proud of myself,
asking you to look out for her,

but just knowing someone's there,

that we're both keeping an eye out.

I'm just so...comforted.

That's why I'd like you
to spend as much time

with her as possible.
What do you say?

As much time with Amy as possible?

Say no!

Uh, I...

You know, as much as I'd love to, sir,

Oscar, I hope you know
I would never ask you

to do something which
you find inconsistent

with your values.

Of course, if you don't
want to help me out,

That's okay. I understand completely.

Say yes! Say yes!

Yes. Yes.

Thank you, Oscar.

No problem, sir...

Well, I guess I have to keep seeing her.

Of course you have to keep
seeing her, you moron.

Oskie, I'm a professional.

I went to graduate school.

I did 72 all-nighters my senior year.

I did a semester in Egypt.

Do you have any idea

what toilet paper feels like in egypt?!

I delivered cinnamon rolls
on a truck with bad suspension

for 3 years! Do you know what
that does to your kidneys?

Your kidneys! Your kidneys!

My poor kidneys! My freaking kidneys!

My poor freaking kidneys!

My freaking, scarred, bruised kidneys!

That is very sweet of you.

But you know I can't accept it.

Come on. I can't even
give you a little gift?

Charles, we've been over this.
I don't need any presents.

I have too much stuff as it is.

Okay.

You win.

You always win.

So? I'm waiting for my cross-
examination about last night.

Cross-examine? Me?
I would never do that.

You're completely cool
with me going out on my own?

Honestly?

No, but I'm working on it.

Great. I'm very proud of you.

You know, I met someone
interesting last night.

Actually, you know him. Oscar Novak.

You're kidding. You met Oscar?

That is a coincidence.

Yeah.

He's a really good guy.

Very.

He and his partner both have
a great aesthetic sense.

Guess most of them do.

Most?

Gay men.

You did know he was gay?

Yeah.

Sure. Yeah.

Not that I care.

Doesn't bother me.

Right. Who cares?

You know, the other night

I almost started having a crush on you?

Isn't that funny?

Hmm.

Something about late nights
and thunderstorms.

I hope that's okay with you.

Yeah. It's...yeah.

Oscar, if you and I are
going to keep hanging out,

there's something I have to tell you.

What?

Come over here.

Remember the other night when
you mentioned Charles Newman

and I said that I knew him?

Yeah?

Excuse me? Blow.

Help me blow. Excuse me?

Keep your mouth on the opening.

Well, the truth is actually that...

Charles and I are involved.

We're having an affair.

Oh.

Yeah, isn't that weird?

You show up at my show,
we get to know each other,

and I'm involved with your boss?

That's so weird.

I know.

By the way, how did you
find out about my show?

I read...read it in the newspaper

and said, "glass blowing sounds really cool,"

and I didn't have anything better to do.

Ha! Man, you are a bad liar.

You cannot lie.

I'm a little slow, Oscar,
but I figured it out.

You were spying on me.

Listen, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I really should have told you.

You have to understand.

Our entire careers are in his hands.

And then I met you...

And you made three sounds at once...

And I just really wanted
to get to know you.

Okay.

Just don't ever lie to me again.

Okay.

Come on, it's the great
thing about being friends

with a mistress...
I'm free most evenings.

What do you say?

Oh, uh, tonight? Wow.

If you don't come over,
I'll tell Charles

you went absolutely crazy
and made a pass at me.

I could really get you in trouble, Oscar.

Oh, I've got to take a shower.

Yeah, I was gonna say.

Ha!

You know, I get this feeling around you?

I don't know why.

Like we've known each other
a really long time

or in another life or something.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

No.

What was the question?

Are you always this nervous?

Yeah.

- Let's have dinner and celebrate.
- Great.

After all, it's not every day
I get to hang out with a spy.

There's a CD in there. Hit play.

Okay.

I'll see you in a minute.

Go ahead.

Right.

I'm Batman.

♪...Blooded ♪

♪ Check it and see ♪

♪ Got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do you
do more than dance? ♪

♪ Hot blooded ♪

♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Know what I have in mind ♪

♪ And you ought to know ♪

♪ I'm hot ♪

Oh, shit.

Ow.

Okay, I'm ready.

Where's my champagne?

Right here.

A toast to...

Uh...

What should we toast to?

Uh, to...

What, you don't call anymore?
You just show up?

Yeah.

Hi.

Wow.

Champagne, music,

Amy in a kimono.

I swear, if you weren't gay, Oscar...

I'd have to kill you.

Gay?

I'm not gay. I...I didn't...gay?

Oh, Oscar, come on. We don't care.

Absolutely. What people do

in the privacy of their own bedrooms

is no concern to us, right?

Right.

Hey, how are you?

I just love Japanese kimonos.

I know.

Aah!

Aah!

Hi.

Thank god you're here. I need to...

Boy, you guys throw
a lot of dinner parties.

I'm gay. It's what we do.

Really?

That and shop for small dogs.

Can I help you with something?

I need to talk with you privately.

I need to talk with him privately.

We're going to talk privately.

Anyone want cappuccinos?

They think I'm gay.

What?

They think I'm gay.

Come again?

Everybody thinks...

I'm gay!

I win the pool.

Come again?

Amy and Charles

think I'm gay.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

You're gay.

I'm gay.

We're gay.

Good God.

I know.

I mean, how can they
think that? Me, gay?

I mean, it's just so...so embarrassing

and...and...and mortifying and...

humiliating.

Humiliating. Yes.

I mean, I don't get it.
I don't see it.

I'm just a regular, normal...

insensitive asshole.

But, come on,
you know what I mean, right?

Oh, sure.

I know that when you say
that you're humiliated,

What you actually mean is
you're proud and unashamed.

No, no, it's not that. It's just...

Being gay is not normal?

You know I don't think that, OK?

I have no problem with people being gay.

In fact, I'm all for homosexuality,

especially when it happens
between two gorgeous women...

or three... But I'm not gay.

Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean what I said before.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to decide

if I should recover
gracefully from your insults

or kneecap you.

Yes. I'm insensitive and...and callous.

Well, you're stupid and young.

Yes.

Yes, stupid and young,

but that doesn't change the fact

that we are in deep shit here, OK?

So what are we going to do?

We? I don't really see

there's anything in
particular for me to do.

- We have to do something.
- Why?

Because everybody thinks I'm gay.

- I don't.
- You don't?

Who cares?

You're enjoying this.

Now, young Oskie,

I told you when you wanted
to go spy on that girl

something bad might happen.
You didn't listen,

- so the reality is...
- No.

Yes. The reality is,
you made your big gay bed,

and must now slumber gaily in it.

But I...I don't want to.

Sweet dreams.

Hey, I'll see you
at the next dinner party.

Poor guy.

It's so hard when you first come out.

Ohh!

♪ It's the maddest kind of love ♪

♪ It's a mad, mad love ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

You want a beer?
I'm going to grab a beer.

There he is. There's the guy.

Go, buddy. You got to run with that.

Come on, baby.

Come on, Ponderosa.

You got to run.

Uhh!

- Aw!
- Aw!

So, how'd the spy operation
go the other night?

Uh, it's just a little...
A little complicated.

- He did her.
- Score.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got lucky?

Aw...

Is she stacked?

She's really stacked, isn't she?

Oh, my God. Did she tie you up?

She's a dominatrix, isn't she?

Ha! You little piggy.

You got it on with a hot,
big-breasted dominatrix, huh?

You tell me.

Am I the only one who's listening?

Nothing happened with Amy.

And, anyway, I, um...

I've been meaning to tell you guys

that, you know, ahem...

you're not going to see
me with any women

for a while.

You know, I just kind of decided to...

just swear off girls for a while...

I don't know, just a little bit of time.

Amy.

Can I move in?

I put most of my stuff in storage.

This is just what I need.

I need my clothes, my sketch books,

my tools.

So, you're Amy.

Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Oscar told us about the other night.

He did?

That is so embarrassing
after what I did to him.

Are your balls okay,
or are they still sore?

- Okay, time to go.
- We should get going.

- Ciao.
- Okay.

- I'm out.
- Okay.

Tools.

Okay.

Huh.

I am impressed.

You like that?

Pretty delish, huh?

Are they all gay?

Whoa!

Yes.

Damn.

The little one was kind of cute.

Yeah, well, he's not exactly my type.

Let me ask you...

Hey, how's Kevin doing tonight?

He score yet?

Oh, he's kicking ass.

Really? You like him?

Are you kidding? I worship the guy.

So, uh...

Are you okay?

You know, this place is awesome...

drafty, but awesome.

Tuna fish.

Very brave.

Actually, I brought that just for you.

Oh, thanks.

I brought that for you, too.

It'll fit you perfectly.

- Is this you?
- Don't.

Ha ha ha ha! Were you in a band?

Those are my friends in high school.

Okay, but you are aware
of what you look like

in this picture, right?

It's not my fault.
It was the eighties.

They made you look like that.

You didn't look like
a dork in the eighties?

Hey, I got through
the eighties dork-free.

Right, and you're making up for it now.

Uh-Oh. Ha ha. Ha ha.

You know, I appreciate this, Oscar,

especially since you and I
haven't known each other long.

It's just that I have been
dodging my landlord

for a while, and he finally nabbed me,

and I didn't know what to do, and...

see, the thing is,
I have a lot of friends.

I just don't have a lot of friends,

you know?

To tell you the truth,
I didn't really have

anywhere else to go.

You came to the right place.

Fantastic place.

Grimy, raw...

I like it.

Hi, Charles.

I hope you don't mind me
stopping by like this.

Amy told me she'd be here.

No, no, no. Consider this...

No.

Let's go.

I got you a room at the four seasons...

No. That's okay.

Oscar has kindly agreed to take me in.

Uh, Charles, Amy can stay here with me.

It's okay.

Like I said, a Saint.

Okay, you win.

You always win.

How's the project?

Great.

So...

Yeah. I'm going to head home now.

I mean, I'm going to head up there to...

I'm going to bed.

Yeah. Are you sure?

Be asleep as soon as
my head hits the pillow.

This place is such a dump.

I feel like I'm going to catch something.

Shut up, Chuck.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Shit.

♪ Who's to blame? ♪

♪ It's not your fault ♪

♪ They don't remember your name ♪

Hey, all right, it's 7:07, Chicago.

Wake up! Yeah, you, dimwit.

You idiot, you moron, you a-hole.

Go to your crappy job now.

Go put on your crusty underwear

and your blue collar shirt.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Does he know that he's upside-down?

Yoga.

Yoga. Right, yoga.

The new tycoon spent
the night on your couch.

I hope you don't mind.

No, no. Yeah, no.

Do you want some coffee?

Shh!

I'll just get you a nice cup of decaf.

Have you boys both
finished your homework?

Cute.

Don't fight with the other kids on the bus.

What are you doing tonight?

Going out with some friends.

Great. Sounds like fun.

Mm-Hmm.

Ciao.

What are you doing tonight?

Going out with her friends.

Great. Sounds like fun.

And what about working
for Mr. Charles Newman?

Is he everything he's reputed to be?

Oh, everything and more.

More.

I understand you're an openly gay firm.

Do you feel this will have any impact

on the competition,

Peter?

We just try and do our jobs.

Oscar?

I don't think it's important

what other people think of us personally.

Yes, but don't you feel

that you have a certain responsibility

as a gay professional?

No.

If we're talented, we shouldn't
have to back that up

by pretending to be something we're not.

People have to understand
that we are individuals.

Who cares if we're gay or straight?

Why can't people just
accept us for who we are?

You do know you're not gay, right?

You know what?

I think you've been working too hard.

You need to relax.

I have a surprise for you.

For me?

Mm-Hmm...

And there he is.

That's Kevin Cartwright.

You two have met before, right?

Oh, yeah.

Remember the Miami game, '93?

180 yards... Unbelievable.

Well, actually, it was, like, 150,

but who cares about
a couple yards, you know?

You're the man.

That's Kevin Cartwright

right here.

Didn't you...you broke your hand, right?

No, no, no, I sprained my hand.

What's up, man?

And then you gained another 50 yards.

That's 230 yards in a game, my man.

Mmm, I don't know about that.

You know what's amazing?
Baseball player,

If he stubs his toe,

he's on the disabled list
for, like, 9 years.

I don't even know any baseball players.

Hey!

I'd love to stay and talk,

but I'm bored out of my mind.

- No.
- Behave yourselves.

- Okay.
- I love that girl.

That's a good girl.

Listen, you're not going
to yell my name out

no more, are you?

Oh, no, no, I'm finished.

Ah, cool. So, you want
to get another round?

- Absolutely.
- All right.

That's Kevin Cartwright right there.

7 seconds left.

20 yards for a score.

Waiting on play for the set.

Set! Hut, hut!

And he's got some running room.

♪ Bop, bim, bow ♪

Hike!

Ha ha ha! Hey!

Oh...

Oscar.

Kevin.

Oscar, I got to tell you something.

I'm very attracted to you.

And that's a football term for...

I'm very attracted to you.

Evidently.

Hey, you know what? I can't breathe.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

There we go.

Oh, see, I told Amy

How I felt when we first met.

That's why she set this whole thing up.

Oh, how very nice of her.

Look, I'm a little new at this.

I only realized I was gay
a couple years ago,

after Amy and I broke up.

I mean, if you can't
fall in love with her,

you must be gay, right?

Yeah, well...

Look, I only live
a couple blocks from here.

Do you want to come by
for another drink?

Oh, that's very flattering.

But you know what? The...

The truth is, I'm...I'm
in love with somebody else.

Oh.

Yeah. I mean, I think
you're really great,

but I'm kind of head
over heels, you know?

I'm...I'm sorry.

If...if Amy had just told me,
I would've...

Yeah, well, actually, this person

is completely involved with somebody else,

so there's no hope.

But I...I just...

can't help the way
that I feel, you know?

Poor guy.

That's awful.

Oh, hey, yeah. Thanks.

Kevin.

Kevin?

Kev?

I did not...

ask you...

To do that.

You don't have to yell
through the door, Oscar.

Are you decent?

Yes.

Listen, Oscar, I meant well.
I just knew you were lonely.

Yeah, okay.

Just...

don't ever do that to me again.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Can you do me a favor and
not tell anyone about Kevin?

He's still trying to figure
things out for himself.

Believe me, mum is the word.

The word is mum.

Come in.

So, what is it? He's not your type?

He...he has, um...

Uh, no.

No. I...I prefer to date people

who are a little...

a little more...

I don't know.Not so big and tall?

Exactly.

What are your thoughts on penis size?

Do you know, um...

I haven't exactly

organized my thoughts on that yet.

Just between you and me,

when I was dating Kevin,
we had a real problem.

He has this giant thing.

No kidding.

I was surprised when
Kevin told me he was gay.

Guess you can't always tell.

Can you pass me the razor?

Uh, yeah.

I'm going to go.

Actually, I had a lesbian experience once.

Really? Mm-Hmm.

You did?

Yeah. It was in college.

There was this Brazilian girl

in my intro philosophy class.

And, uh...

one night, we were studying,

and we were sitting on her bed,

and her hair accidentally brushed my hand.

And all of the sudden, I noticed

how amazing she looked...

olive skin and these incredible bee-stung lips

and these beautiful...

Well, you know how it is in college.

We experimented.

Yeah. You had a...

Well, good for you, I say.

I'm...I'm saying good for you.

You know, I could never tell
a straight guy that.

He would start asking
really creepy questions,

trying to weasel out details.

Aw, that's weird. That is sick...

and...and weird.

Men have these stupid

Penthouse, spice channel fantasies

about two women together,

with garter belts and push-up bras

and high heels.

That's just not how it happens.

Well, of course not.

What happens is...

it was just different.

She was passionate and sensitive.

Wow, listen to me.

This must be so boring for you.

No.

No. I mean, it's not...
It's not that boring.

Well, we did do one thing

That was kind of like
those stupid male fantasies.

You did?

Yeah. It was really...

Oh, I can't even say it.

Oh, sure...sure, you can.

We're just a couple of girlfriends here.

Okay.

OK, come here.
I'll whisper it in your ear.

Okay.

Hand me my towel, would ya?

Okay. Sure.

Turn around.

Okay.

Man, it's hot in here.

All right, Chicago,

I gotta get something off my chest here.

I don't care about
your sexual orientation.

I don't care if you're in the closet,

out of the closet, in a dungeon,

down a mine shaft, on a broomstick.

I don't care! Just please, do your job.

Who is this whiny bastard

on the front page
of the business section?

Did you see him? Oscar Novak.

He is a complaining,
complaining, complaining moron.

Even if I was a mincing,
limp-wristed gay,

I wouldn't tell the whole
city about it.

What are you...

Aah!

Oh, my god! This is so exciting.

Talk about great publicity.

Good hair, too.

♪ well, I think I'm goin' out of my head ♪

Push up, push up, push up, push up.

Good, good.

♪ Yes, I think I'm goin' out of my head ♪

♪ Over you ♪

Uhh!

He was definitely straight before, right?

Yeah, well, he and Peter

Do spend a lot of time together.

Mr. Newman.

♪ Don't even know that I exist ♪

Mm-Mmm.

Do we have any newcomers today?

Hi. I'm Zack.

And I'm...

Gay?

Hi, Zack.

No. I'm not...

♪ Goin' out of my head ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ Out of my head ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ Out of my head ♪

♪ Day and night ♪

♪ Night and day and night ♪

What?

Aah! Ow! Ow!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

♪ Into your heart ♪

♪ There's no reason why ♪

♪ My bein' shy ♪

♪ Should keep us apart ♪

♪ Goin' out of my head ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ Out of my head ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ Out of my head ♪

♪ Day and night ♪

♪ Night and day and night ♪

♪ Wrong or right ♪

♪ I want you ♪

♪ To want me ♪

♪ I need you so badly ♪

♪ I can't think of anything but you ♪

Thought we...

Kinda had a moment there.

Oh. Oh, us.

No, no. No, we didn't have a moment.

No, I was there. No moment.

Ha.

Hey, you work out, don't you?

Excuse me?

Well, you look even better in person

Than you do in the paper.

You're in great shape.

Hey, well, thanks, thanks.

♪ Goin' out of my head over you ♪

♪ Out of my head ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ Out of my head ♪

♪ Day and night ♪

♪ Night and day and night ♪

♪ Wrong or right ♪

♪ Wrong or right ♪

Clarkson back to pass...

and he hits Willhide up the middle.

He breaks the tackle,
stumbles into the 20...

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

For the last time...

I'm not gay.

No.

We know.

Yeah, okay, but you don't believe me.

No, we do. We do.

You know what? This is ridiculous.

I've known you guys my entire life.

What would make you
think that I'm gay now?

The wall treatments.

The hors d'oeuvres.

Yeah, and...all the, uh...

gay things.

All right, what is the problem
with wall treatments, OK?

Do you have any idea
how difficult it is

to decide between sponging,
glazing, and spackling?

Never mind.

No, it's okay.

Some people might think you're a freak...

but not me.

I personally knew you were gay all along.

I'm just glad you finally figured it out

for yourself.

You remember when
we went skiing together,

and then we went
to the hot tub afterwards,

and you sort of
brushed up against me, and...

you didn't say anything,
you just sort of...

looked at me kind of funny?

Were you trying to hit on me, man?

Okay, you know what? You're right.

I'm gay. I've always been gay.

All these years of
friendship and football

and me chasing after girls...a ruse,

a clever little trick
just to get all of you into bed.

That's right. I want all of you.

Zack, with your lilting little laugh.

Bill, your farts,

they're like perfume to me.

And, Rick...

You really figured me out, man.

I want you most of all.

Oh, my God.

Ohh!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Mom, you're not listening.

I'm not gay.

You don't have to lie, son.

I'm not lying.

Look, I just have to pretend
to be gay for work.

I know it sounds crazy.

No, no, you did a brave thing,

and I think it's wonderful.

Dad must be going nuts.

No. No, your father feels
exactly the same way.

Well, put him on the phone.

No. No, he can't come to the phone

right now, sweetheart.

He's, uh, he's busy.

All the money I spent on that kid!

I could kill him!

I'm never gonna have sex again.

Oh, come on, Oscar. Of course you will.

Just maybe not with a woman.

- Hi!
- Hi!

Hey, honey! Hi!

Hi! Mmm!

You want to come hang out with us?

No. You wouldn't believe the day I had.

Listen, um, I made you something.

Open it up.

Oh, God.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, don't be.

No. It was... That was nothing.

No, that's not true.

You're proud of who you are.
Not everyone's like that.

Come on. Hang out with us.

Oh, no, no. I'm not...
I don't want to.

We have margaritas.

- Eww!
- Gross!

The best is,
"I'm not gonna use a line on you, baby."

Ugh, the anti-line line. I hate that.

Yeah, that is a stupid one.

So, is it the same for you?

Do you get the same kind
of come-ons as us?

Oh, uh, well, sometimes.

Like the other day...

I was on the bus and this guy
comes up to me and says,

"Do you work out?"

- Eww!
- Ugh!

The old workout line.

Does anyone fall for that?

Yeah.

Shut up!

And then, you know, he's staring,

I mean, staring at my butt.

So I turn around, and then, of course,

my crotch is right in his face.

Oh, please!

So I turn around again
and then there's butt.

So it's kind of like,
butt, crotch, butt, crotch,

butt, butt, crotch, crotch!

And I'm thinking,
"Hey, pal, I'm a person."

"I'm not an object."

- Absolutely.
- Yeah.

I have feelings.

It doesn't matter that the guy was right.

I happen to have a finely-toned,

Picture-perfect, award-winning ass!

Mwah!

There's more to me than that.

That's right, Oscar!
Not a piece of meat!

Whatever happened to subtlety?

What happened to taking the time

To get to know somebody first?

- Yeah!
- Ha ha ha!

If all men were gay, it
would be absolutely perfect.

Ha ha ha!

I love you so much.

You've changed my whole life.

I want to make you happy.

It's the only thing that matters to be.

I've got something to tell you, too.

I'm going to get married.

You know, there's this
thing I've noticed.

In the movies, whenever
a guy asks a girl out,

she always says, "I'd like that."

I've never heard anyone
say that in real life ever.

You know what the most
spoken line in movies is?

What?

"Let's get out of here."

Huh. It makes sense.

It works for a lot of situations.

"They're shooting at us.
Let's get outta here."

"Aliens have landed.
Let's get outta here."

"I want to make mad,
passionate love to you."

"Let's get outta here."

Those are all good.
Especially that last one.

Um, what was that?

I was yawning.

Okay.

OK. You're tired.
I'm gonna let you sleep.

No, stay?

Sure.

Yeah.

Just till the end of the movie.

Will you marry me?

Will you?

Do you think we'd be happy?

No. But what does it matter?

Absolutely beautifully-
located season tickets,

and I've love you to be my guest...

Very excited.

Very, very excited.

- Great party.
- Thanks.

Very excited to see your model.
Very excited.

Well, we just hope that you like it.

There really are

some very nice-looking
women here tonight.

What's your type?

Type of what?

It's funny. When I first met you guys,

I thought you were super-gay
and Oscar was straight.

I was super-gay?

He cleared it up for me, though.

He did?

He told me you're not,
but he is, 100%.

Ho ho ho! That Oskie.

That article must make it
hard for you to meet girls.

I do okay.

Oh, thanks, mom,
and thank you for coming.

Dad, bar's right over there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry.

Oh, I am so excited for you.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

I'm sorry I stole the blankets last night.

You stole the blankets.

You hogged the couch.
It wasn't pretty.

At least you got the left side.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Decker and Strauss model
is openned for viewing.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Steinberg and Novak
model is openned for viewing.

It's so beautiful.

Mr. Steinberg, this way, please.

Right here, Mr. Novak.

OK, guys...that's enough.

Sorry to interrupt.

We're with the Chicago chapter

of the National Association

of Gay and Lesbian Professionals.

We have selected you

as Chicago's "Gay Man of The Year."

Congratulations, Oscar.

The ceremony is this Friday.

We'd like you to give a short speech.

Something like what
you said in the paper.

So, what do you say? Do you accept?

Of course he accepts.

I haven't done anything
or anyone to deserve this.

Can't think of anybody
who deserves it more.

Great. We'll be in touch.

Congratulations again.

This is great. It's perfect.

First of all, I've already decided

you two have the job.

Oscar gives his speech,

I corner the press and
tell them right there

that my super-gay man of
the year and his partner

have both won. It's perfect.

Then we have a press conference...

Would someone tell me
what Amy is doing

talking to my wife?

That's your wife?

Let's go.

Hi!

Darling.

Hi.

What a surprise.
What are you doing here?

Concert got canceled.

You know how temperamental cellists are,

and I've always had
an interest in this project,

So here I am.

Darling, I'd like to introduce

Oscar Novak and Peter Steinberg.

Congratulations.

Your design is superb.

We were just discussing it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is my girlfriend Amy,

and, Amy, this is my boss Charles.

I'm sorry. Aren't you gay?

Excuse me?

Didn't I read in the paper
that you were gay?

Well, yes, I am.

Sometimes. I...

Oscar is omnisexual.

He swings...every which way.

Uh, if you'll excuse me.

Shouldn't, uh, you go after her?

Say something.

That wasn't so bad.

It wasn't?

No. I knew it might happen
eventually and it did.

Look at me. I'm still standing.

Good. Yeah.

I think you're handling
this like a real champ.

Uh-Huh.

Where are we going?

To get really...really drunk.

OK.

♪ One last slow blues ♪

♪ To close the show ♪

♪ I watched you dance with her... ♪

Thing is, she seemed so nice, you know?

So pleasant and charming.

Didn't you think she was charming?

I...I didn't...

Maybe she didn't even notice
that anything was weird.

Maybe she didn't notice that...

Charles did a good job covering, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Right. So it's probably fine.

I'll just pretend it never happened.

Yeah.

It's okay.

I feel much better now.

Let's dance.

Oh, um, we shouldn't...

- I'm not...
- Come on.

Ooh, we're gonna dance.

♪ Couldn't you wait till
those healing hands of time ♪

♪ Squeezed the pain, the pain ♪

♪ From my heart ♪

Oscar...

Have you ever kissed a woman before?

♪ Couldn't you wait till ♪

♪ My bruised and battered heart ♪

♪ Till it ain't ♪

♪ Till it ain't torn apart ♪

Perfect. That is just perfect.

That would be just like me
to go and fall in love with you.

I have tried every kind
of unavailable man.

A gay guy would really
round out my collection.

Man, what was I doing?
I'm losing my mind.

You're not.

You have been so good to me
and what do I do?

I try to kiss you!

I am so sorry.

Don't be sorry.

It's just that sometimes
you and I seem so...

I don't know.

Man, I'm such a fucking mess

You know what? I'm just being dramatic.

I'm tired. I'm going to be fine.

Let's go.

Yeah, well, you certainly look fine.

Listen, Amy, I bought
this tough girl routine

for about 5 seconds.

What?

Look at you. This is killing you.

What are you doing with him?

What are you talking about? It works!

It works.

Yeah, it works.

Where is this going?

At least he's straight, for Chrissakes!

Oh, that's...that's really great.

I get what I need from him.

Yeah? Well, so does his wife.

Oh.

Give me one good reason
you're with him.

Just one good reason.

Okay. In a year and a half,
we haven't had a single fight.

He doesn't care about you
enough to fight with you.

God, I can't believe I'm getting
grilled by you of all people.

You haven't had a date since I met you.

You don't know a single thing
about relationships.

You just sit around with me
and play it safe!

Yeah? Well, I don't know about you,

But I'm getting a little bit
tired of playing it safe.

So what are you waiting for?

You know, what I have with
Charles may not be perfect,

but what I have with you is what?

What?

Mr. Novak...sir?

She hasn't come home,
she hasn't called, so...

I was just thinking maybe
you know where she is.

Do you know where she is?

I'm very disappointed in you, Oscar.

Excuse me?

You were supposed to watch out for her.

You were supposed to protect her.

Hey, look, I tried. I went after her.

I tried talking to her,
but she was really upset.

She has been gone for two days.

She could be anywhere.

How could you let this happen?

How could you let her get hurt?

That's a very good question.

You might want to try that on yourself.

Because I know you would
never take that tone

with a person who just granted you

a $90-million job.

I'm going to pretend you
didn't say that to me.

I hope I don't have
to embarrass you, Oscar,

by reminding you that
no friendship can compare

to what Amy and I have.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes.

Perfectly.

Thank you.

We'd like to get
this ceremony started

By saying a few words
about our organization.

This is our ninth year,

and we've come a long
way in recognizing...

Oskie!

Are you okay? Ready to go?

Yeah. Fine. Got my speech
all written on cards.

You sure do.

I think I can handle this.

It's just...
Just a bunch of people, right?

Giving you an award.

How could that be bad?

Exactly.

Plus, once this is done,
we can start on the project.

You're right. You're right.

And I have to say, Oskie,

I am so proud you've
evolved this mature attitude

that you've evolved...

Thank you.

Because, uh, I figure
if I can't have Amy, then...

It won't be so bad. I can
pretend to be gay for a while.

I mean...you like being gay, right?

Works very well for me.

It won't be so bad. I can
sneak off to straight bars,

have anonymous sex with straight women.

That's why giving this speech is fine.

It is more than fine.
It is very...fine.

Oscar...

Oscar, about Amy...

You know there are other fish in the sea.

I used...used to think that.

But what if you find the fish?

You know what? You're right.

Plenty of fish. You're probably right.

- Yes. I'm right.
- Probably.

I think so.

It gives us great pleasure

to introduce our gay professional...

I gotta go.

Kick some ass, you hear me?

Say it with me.

- Kick some ass.
- Kick some ass.

Okay. Kick some ass.

Kick some ass.

Thank...Thank you.

Thank you for inviting me
here this evening.

These last few weeks
have been very exciting.

Peter and I had the opportunity
to work on a project

That has become a dream come true.

Um, this award is an honor.

An honor which I accept with...

You know, awards are a funny thing.

I won an award once.

I was in summer camp. I was 7.

It was a bumperpool tournament,
and I won,

but it was kind of an empty victory,

because I cheated.

When nobody was looking,

I just shoved all
the balls into the pockets.

And the funny thing is

I felt guilty about that my whole life.

What's this?

I guess what I'm trying to say

is that a lot of you know what
it's like to be in the closet,

So you know what
it's like to have a secret.

Constantly worrying about slipping up.

Having to hide your
feelings from the people

That are supposed to mean
the most to you.

What I admire about
all the people here tonight

is that you're not afraid to be
honest about who you are.

You're strong enough to stand up
for the simple dignity

of telling the people that you love...

How you feel.

Now, I...I know a little bit about this...

Because for the last three weeks...

I've had a secret.

And I think it's time for me
to come out of the closet.

I'm not gay.

Amy, I love you.

I haven't been honest with you.

But I love you.

I've never felt that way about anyone.

And I know that...
just by telling you this,

I might have lost any chance I ever had

to be with you,

but I believe you deserve...

that everybody here deserves...

that kind of honesty.

Thank you.

Don't worry. I'm very proud of you.

You big drama queen. Go get her.

Oscar, get your ass back here.

A melee ensued today at the
Gay and Lesbian Association's

Annual Awards Ceremony
as the Gay Man of The Year

declared his love for...a woman.

Amy!

Get back here! Amy!

I think Oscar and Amy
need to talk, don't you?

Onlookers were amazed as the erstwhile

Gay Man of The Year, Oscar Novak,

lept from the stage and pursued
the woman into the lobby

where crowds gathered
awaiting her response.

Can we please just talk about this?

- Ooh!
- Hello!

And it wasn't pretty.

You promised me you
would never lie to me.

We had a deal.

Get out of my way, you big freak.

Don't make me make you my prison bitch.

The incident reached a fever pitch...

Great punch, baby. Now let's go.

As Charles Newman, the renowned
international businessman

incurred the wrath
of the same unidentified woman.

Before police could arrive on the scene,

the enraged, yet fashionably-
attired young woman escaped.

Wow. How about that?

...Gay Man of The Year is not gay.

Oscar, are you okay?

You're fired.

You'll never work for me
nor for anyone I know.

Which is everyone.

I don't care.

And you know why?

Because I don't like you.

Found him and housebroke him.

Excuse me.

That was a brave thing your partner did.

Uh, yes.

I have to say I'm very
proud of the little guy.

I don't believe we've officially met.

I'm Kevin Cartwright.

Yes, I know.

I've heard all about you.

Oh, really? Like what?

Oh, nothing specific really.

Well, it's all true.

Would you like to get
a drink or something?

I'd love to.

♪ That says it all ♪

♪ Doesn't it? ♪

♪ We always want ♪

♪ What we never get ♪

♪ Well, listen here, my friend ♪

♪ I can't continue to pretend ♪

♪ That it's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause that ain't right ♪

Don't do it.

Yes, but I...deserve to die.

Not yet.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd find you here.

Really? Oh, my God, Amy, I'm so...

Would you shut up?

Okay.

I just have a few things
I want to get straight.

- It's just...
- Me, too.

I'm going to be quiet now.

So...you lied to me to protect your job.

You violated my trust and friendship.

You tricked me into
telling you intimate things

which I never would have told you.

I just want to know.
Are you proud of yourself?

Go ahead.

No.

Was it really worth it?

I just have one thing
left to say to you.

I get the left side of the bed.

Well, you know,
we'll have to see about that.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Let's get out of here.

Yeah, I'd like that.

So I take it you have
kissed a woman before?

Not the right one.

Overall...

an evening of shock
and amazement for everyone

as the Gay Man of The Year announced...

I'm not gay.

Charles.

Isn't it going to be awfully awkward

working with Oscar after that fiasco?

Actually, I went with the other firm.

Don't tell me you're going
to deprive them of a job

Just because he's in love
with your mistress.

Oh, you're hurt.

I realize this girl was special.

Olivia, I don't know what
you're talking about.

I simply went with the other firm.

Charles, Oscar and Peter did a better job.

They will build the cultural center.

- Olivia...
- Enough!

The decision's been made.

Now, why don't you go put on

those red bikini briefs that I gave you?

I love the way your butt looks in them.

Olivia, I really don't want to.

Charles, what happens when I'm unhappy?

What happens?

Fine.

But not the red ones.

They bind.

♪ I wanna swing ♪

♪ With that pussycat ♪

♪ I wanna dance ♪

♪ With that pussycat ♪

♪ I wanna slide ♪

♪ With that pussycat ♪

♪ I wanna jump ♪

♪ With that pussycat ♪

♪ I wanna swing ♪

♪ Oh, kitty, kitty, please come here ♪

♪ Don't hiss and moan when I come near ♪

♪ Don't bite my neck,
Don't scratch my eyes ♪

♪ I'll take away those doll eyes ♪

♪ A man's a man, a rat's a rat ♪

♪ So swing, sweet pussycat ♪

♪ Swing, swing, sweet pussycat ♪

♪ Swing, swing, swing, swing ♪

♪ Swing ♪

♪ Swing, sweet pussycat ♪

♪ Swing, swing, sweet pussycat ♪

♪ Swing! ♪

♪ Meow ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Hit the town still dressing down ♪

♪ Looking for some action ♪

♪ Mr. Jagger said it best ♪

♪ He knows you'll never get ♪

♪ No satisfaction ♪

♪ That says it all ♪

♪ Doesn't it? ♪

♪ We always want ♪

♪ What we never get ♪

♪ Well, listen here, my friend ♪

♪ I can't continue to pretend ♪

♪ That it's all right ♪

♪ That ain't right ♪