Original subtitles

Cinemaa..

Jesus.

Welcome to the Texas death trippin’ movie.

I’m stoner Jesus and we should get this outta the way now.

You are all going to hell.

Seriously

this stuff is pretty messed up.

enjoy the movie.

Jesus.

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Car hoots]

- What’s up motherfucker? - How you doing dude?

- Great, how you doing? - Good

So, I gotta know

are you ready for the greatest three day stoner rock festival

to ever grace the Beautiful state of fucking Texas?

You know it mother fucker.

Let's get it.

Dude I can’t stand him.

I mean I hate everyone

but he is the worst.

Fuck Sid, you gotta be kidding me.

It's... don’t tell me its...

Andy!

Aloha my brother.

Captain my captain.

So how’s it swinging gentlemen?

So check it out, I pulled off the big score.

It’s.. It's an ass.

Nice.

Wait, let me see.

Oooooh yeah that's a naked booty.

Yup and it’s attached to my trip date.

Sheena star fucking internet and co splay sensation has over a million followers.

Ooh wow a online model!

So rare so lucky you are.

I’m going to be knee deep in vagina hole while you're pulling on your joystick bud.

Ooh.. Start looking.

Left up here. GPS says we’re close.

All right.

Don’t worry, buddy.

Things get bad; I’ll let you blow me.

Thanks. You're the best.

Pun tang..

Pun tang for everybody.

Woo Pun tang..

[Talking to himself on the mirror]

P-U-N.. T- ang.. mmm punt puntang P,U P,U puntang

A - N - G.

Puntang woo.

[Talking on the sink]

[Water running]

PUNTANG WOO!

I get some weed and pussy.

Weed, pussy, weed, weed and pussy woo weed.

Pussy.. woo.

[Whispering]

Weed, pussy! Weed, pussy!

Pussy!

Weed, weed, pussy!

Weed, woo, wee..

pussy..

Huh, ah Texas you’re gonna.. Ooooo Wait till we get there.

Stone rock..

[Breathing heavily]

Here we come.

[Whispering]

[Choked]

Stoner rock,

with, the one

and only,

Merlin.

That’s who’s gonna rock the fucking house bitch.

Merlin..

Weed puntang.

Oooo and Merlin.

Ha ha ha-ha.

B - I - M - B - O

B - I - M - B - O

Is that how you spell bimbo,

B-I-M-B-O BIMBOS!

Woo!

Texas I hope you’re ready for me man.

Because I am high on fructose porn syrup.

Porn porn porn porn porn..

This is shit.

[Music]

[music]

Welcome to the love van.

Chariot awaits.

You guys look like you just played rock paper scissors to see who gets to sit next to me.

Basically.

Haha.

[music]

Don’t just stare at it.

Oh, so I hope you guys don’t mind.

I told my girl Teresa she could come along.

[music]

What’s up bitches?

Hey girl.

We there.

[music]

Tonight, tonight, tonight..

Oooo mama’s mama mama mamma you gonna sock it to me.

You gonna suck me.

Mama mama you gonna sock it to me.

Mamma mamma's gonna sock it to me.

Mamma gonna sock it to me.. Mamma..

[Groaning] Suck it to me.

Aah..

Ooh..ohh.

[Moaning]

Damn.. damn son.

Poop my ass! What the fuck!

Oh god.

[mumbling]

Ah!

[mumbling]

Ah Baloney.. your Boulanger..

Mmm turd turd is the word, turd turd is the word.

Turd, turd, turd..

May I say, god damn you’re even hotter in person.

Yeah, Randy. Yeah, I am.

Actually, it’s Andy.

Do you guys want to smoke a joint.

Dude.

[music]

[music]

[music]

[Music]

[music]

[Music]

Texas! Woooow.

Fuck it.

So, Sheena.

Like Joe Average that follows you gets to see your ass on the daily, right?

Does that mean your premium followers get to see your butthole?

How exactly does that work?

Excuse you?

Wow. This dude is trippin’.

Sorry hot chick. I’m just curious.

And I get really horny when I get stoned.

We all do.

Oh my god.

Me, too.

Hash tag.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Holy shit.

Andy has a double boner.

These rules.

Ha ha oh shit.

Oh my god.

Who’s driving?

[Screaming]

[Wrecking traffic noises]

[Horns]

So basically my Instagram blew up about a year ago

and then I got into modeling and that’s all I do full time now.

I’m good.

Looks like your joint knocked you on your ass a little bit.

Did you doze off?

Andy, are you all right?

You kidding me right now, Baby Metal?

Andy, are you okay?

Are you okay, Andy?

Are you ready to party or what?

I got us a little something for the festival.

Whoa!

Where did you get that?

Rodrigo.

Your homey’s a fun guy.

Most people get the shits from sh-rooms.

Just saying.

God damn it.

I told you never to talk to that scumbag again.

Rodrigo’s trash, Duder.

Damn.

Straight betrayal.

I heard he got this girl pregnant at my old school.

He's cool, he's cool.

No.

He's kind of a scumbag.

[rock music]

[Music]

[music]

So, the Muppet comes to me for some candy.

Yeah. I figured you knew where to score some sh-rooms.

Shut the fuck up, pretty boy.

You hear that?

That’s the sound of adventure.

Yes.

This will definitely make the trip trippier.

You want a bud for the road?

No, no. No thanks.

Malaky.

I forgot you were here. Glad you’re alive.

What’s going on here?

Did I interrupt something uh kinky?

He looks kinda young.

R Kelly.

No, no dude.

I’m just here to buy Sidwell one.

Drugs?

You mean like Tide pods?

That’s not my style, dog.

[laughing]

Are you serious?

Holy shit dude.

[laughing]

Are you kidding me?

Wow. You’re such a good story teller.

Yes.

Fuck.

Don’t be filling up on processed bullshit now guys.

I’m going to the first spot that’s close so we can camp for the night.

I’m making my famous bowl of chili.

Where the fuck are we?

A small town called..

Dark Marsh.

Oh!

Forty miles outside of Galveston.

on your way to Houston.

Google Maps ain’t got shit on that.

Ew. Who’s the creep playing pocket pool?:

You kids need to get out. Get in and get out of here.

Get to where you’re going.

It’s very dangerous around.

I recommend not stopping until you reach the next..

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

You wanna do shrroms?

We’ll do some fucking sh-rooms.

Get me the fuck loose out of this mother fucker.

What the fuck are you?

God damn you stink.

God fucking get me out of this.

Let me go. Get me the fuck out of here.

God damn it.

What the fuck are you?

Don’t put your fucking hands on me.

You fucker.

Mother fucker I know you can hear me you ugly mother fucker.

Fucking freak show.

Damn.

Mother fuck.

When I fucking get out..

Shit. Fucking Christ..

You fucking pussy.

If I ever get fucking out of these god damn fucking ties,

I’m gonna beat you with a fucking hammer.

Fuck.

I just wanted a beef jerky.

It smells like gas. What’s it?

[Upbeat music tone]

[music]

Fresh meat.

Get that fucking hammer.

Put it down. What the fuck come on.

[shouting]

No, no, no..

[Screaming]

Leaver her the fuck alone.

[screaming]

[crying]

You.

You’re my favorite.

[car engine starts]

- No no go go go go go.. - Fuck you red neck mother fucker.

You smell like fucking farts and body parts.

[crying]

[screaming]

Get me out.

Where the hell you going, sweet tits?

It’s about time you let me up.

Now just fucking let me out of here.

Fucking shots tied.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh boy you fucked up this time. One of them almost got away.

[crying]

Shut the fuck up.

God damn it! God damn it!

Shut the fuck up.

Well boy, there’s a van full of fresh meat out there.

I went ahead and marked it for you.

There’s a real nice blonde treat for us, boy.

Got get it. Go get me some of that.

I got it here.

We're under good control.

We're about to have a real good time.

Oh yeah.

What the fuck was that all about, dude?

That creep was right.

There have been a bunch of missing people in this area.

Not even that creepy dirty old boogan

is going to stop us from going to the best

stone rock festival to ever grace the state of Texas.

[cheering]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[Coughing]

[upbeat music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[Phone ringing]

Hey guys! I got a video call from Wang.

[Coughs]

Fuck.

What’s up, cool dudes?

[Coughs]

God damn that blueberry kush.

What’s up?

So you fuckers ready for the stoner festival or what, bro?

Check me out, dude. I’m already burning man.

Dude, it’s like freakin cochella over here dude.

I’m headlining my bong, bro.

Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.

Sorry bros. Gotta put on the stoner shades man.

I can’t see my haters bro.

Actually, I’m just trying to hide how stoned I am.

I got a job interview in like an hour.

But dude.

It’s gonna be fucking sick, bro. Trust me. Right, muppets?

Okay, first of all,

where the fuck are you guys?

Why does this look so creepy as shit, dude?

This looks like one of Ted Bundy’s murders.

What’s up?

What are you guys doing? You guys out like camping and shit?

What is this, some sort of men’s retreat?

Fill me in fellas.

Yeah, we just found a cool place to stop and have some beers

and then make my famous chili for the night.

Yeah, it’s a couple of towns outside the festival.

I think.

Uh. That’s fucking….sorry guys.

Taking a piss, but that’s fucking weird bro.

But you know, shit I can dig it dude.

I can and you know what dude?

Fucking Sidwell’s chili is straight fire yeah fucking dude.

Oh my god! I’m pissing myself. Shit.

Righteous!

[sniffs]

Ah fuck.

Yeah. Oh shit. Guys.

Don’t get too fucked up tonight, okay?

We got a long day tomorrow, bro.

And um listen I’ll see you stoney bronies tomorrow around noon dude.

I’m gonna be at Bud Buster’s shirt booth posting.

Listen, you know their base player, Dino?

I heard he can roll a joint in five seconds. One hand, dude.

Dude! I totally said that earlier.

Uh..

Actually, Andy,

you said, and I quote,

I heard HE could roll a joint in under five seconds.

After I said Buffalo Bud Buster would be playing.

Like Dino and the rest of the band aren’t Buffalo Bud Buster.

Like Buffalo Bud Buster is like

a giant human buffalo hybrid that just calls himself that.

Has a band and can roll joints really fast.

Poser.

Weird.

Okay I will see you guys tommorow. I Gotta go. Peace.

Later. Bye Wang.

He hung up.

How could you say that?

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

All right guys.

Yeah. When you actually look at it, it’s like the same thing.

Chili’s going to be ready soon.

What's up cook?

Kiss the cook blow the chef.

[music]

Wow what a gorgeous bird.

There’s another one.

What the fuck is that?

Seriously. What the fuck?

It's a fucking Sasquatch.

Duke?

Duke?

You gotta see this?

Hey.

What the fuck do you want now?

Dude. There’s a Sasquatch right there.

See? Fucking Sasquatch?

Give me those fucking things.

It’s my Sasquatch. I found it.

Fuck you.

I told you it’s mine.

See it?

You’re fucking high, dude.

The fuck!

I’m telling you it’s there.

There ain’t no fucking Sasquatch there.

I’m calling the news. I see a Sasquatch.

Do you wanna know what the worst part about camping is?

Bugs.

If the outdoors is so fucking great

why do they always want to be in my house?

Grab the corner.

All right.

The other corner.

This is America.

You can’t put a tent up.

What fucking shit is this?

Give all you fuckers the shits.

[crosstalk]

Hey, you want a beer?

Damn.

Okay.

Did you see that?

- Oh man! - She is crazy.

Cheers!

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

Oh Babe. I'm so glad that we finally got away from the city.

Yeah. Some much needed chill time.

Yeah. And look. I’m sorry that I banged your roommate.

I was drunk and you were..

Shh.

Let’s leave all that back in the city and with that bitch to deal with.

The lease is in her name.

Yeah. Good luck getting that deposit back.

We need to focus on us.

Besides, It’s not like I haven’t banged any of your friends.

Wait. What?

Halloo.

Do you hear that?

I don’t know. Could it be that party?

Maybe we should check it out.

What? So you can bang them all?

I’m here with you now, jerk.

Oh yeah. What a treat.

[Screaming] Ahhhhhhhhhh

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

You’re really throwing a fit right now.

[Screaming]

[screaming]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

I'm pretty partial to ravioli

but this chili is fire.

Wang was right.

Yo Andy.

You have any of this chili, bro?

We're tearing it up.

No thanks.

Beans upset my stomach.

You know what I’m saying?

Yeah.

It's like he's like

(mimicking)

I want to fart everywhere.

(mimicking)

Oh my god.

(eating noises)

I'm just thinking every time I eat beans.

Every time I make my family's bullshit, I may be laughing about it.

(growling)

(laughing)

Oh...

Oh...

Oh.

(laughing distinctly)

(birds chirping)

Those stupid mother fuckers.

(birds chirping)

(groaning)

(birds chirping)

(whispering)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(music)

This stuff has ten herbs and spices.

This is it.

Finally.

My dream.

It’s come true.

I can almost feel it coming.

It started out as a

light drizzle.

Ravioli.

I want it to engulf me.

I’ve been waiting for this.

Yeah. Ah.

(music playing)

So good.

(music playing)

I can hardly take it.

It's so good.

(music playing)

Yes.

(music)

(music)

[music]

That boy and his damned canned ravioli.

I don’t like it.

Running around with his little friends

eat that trash full of preservatives.

Garbage.

Ugh.

(upbeat rock music)

(music)

There’s no service out here.

What the fuck is that about?

Teresa?

Truth or dare?

No.

(Buzzer sound)

Rejected.

Fuck it.

Let’s get some firewood, man.

Hi.

So, you play?

Well, I don’t so much as play.

I more or less feel it inside my being.

Wow.

That's really deep.

You have no idea.

(music)

(music)

So, Teresa,

what's your favorite beef substitute?

Hey, look, a tree.

Wow.

I bet Andy’s fuming I left the campsite.

Yeah man.

That’s why they started calling me Muppet.

Before that,

they just called me dog the booty hog.

Okay.

Oh shit. What about Teresa?

Oh I left that bitch alone with Sidwell.

Hey! Get off her man!

(screaming)

(screaming)

(monster noises)

(screaming)

(monster noises)

I was just kidding. Just kidding.

(monster noises)

(screaming)

Dude!

It isn’t gay at all.

That's not what I heard.

It’s fact.

Watching another guy fuck a girl.

That's gay.

So you’re telling me

that...

a chick fuck another chick with a dick

is more hetero than boy on girl porn?

Listen,

if I'm going to see a dick,

I'd rather it be attached to another hot chick

instead of an ugly dude, that's not you.

Yeah, that makes sense. That's true.

- Oh fuck! - Oh my god!

- Holy shit god! - Oh my god!

Are you fucking serious?

Jesus!

Go, fucking get out of here.

(footsteps in dry leaves)

Dude!

Did you see the size of that guy?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Creeper!

Don’t fucking leave me dude.

Come on man!

I’m sorry!

Not cool!

No! Who the fuck is this guy?

Jesus man!

(screaming)

No!

No!

(screaming)

(monster grunting)

(man yelling) (monster roaring)

(coughing)(snarling)

(dripping)

(screaming)

(running steps)

(panting)

(fire crackling)

(creepy sound)

(footsteps)

(creepy music)

(creepy music)

(creepy music)

(panting)

(creepy music)

I can’t believe you let that fuck kill me.

I didn’t know.

There was nothing I could do, Sid.

Do you know how fucking hard it is

to pull a bong out of my brain?

Fuck it hurts.

I’ll tell you that much.

(creepy sound)

(music playing)

Where the fuck am I?

(music playing)

Where the fuck am I?

(music playing)

(screams)

Fuck OH my god!

(music)

(music)

Seventeen

different Italian

herbs and spices.

You know.

All wrapped up in that

nice pasta satchel.

(birds chirping)

It’s like a beefy pillow.

It’s the fruit of the gods.

You know what else?

It’s in a can.

I will last literally forever.

(birds chirping)

and

it’s delicious.

(slurping)

(birds chirping)

You’re disgusting.

Heaven’s delectable raindrops

(slurping)

sent from Mount Olympus itself.

Wherever that is.

(slurps)

North of here.

You wouldn't know.

Andy.

You fell.

What was I suppossed to do?

We would have both been killed.

It's no secret you don't like me bro.

Leave me out there to die.

That’s some really fucking unchill pussy shit, bro.

(monster roaring)

Look at me.

Look what you’ve done to me.

He stretched my fucking face over my face, you fucker.

(roaring)

No, you’re not getting away that easy.

Not this time.

Fuck!

(creepy laughing)

(roaring)

Come on Andy.

You’re not all choked up.

(creepy laughing)

(screaming)

(roaring)

You asshole.

Bitch, are you okay?

Bitch?

Oh my god! What the fuck did you do?

Did you murder them?

I didn't do it.

You have a knife in your hand.

So who else did it then?

I didn't do it.

Who else did it?

Frickin’ somebody else.

Get away from me, you psycho.

It wasn’t me.

(creepy sounds)

(screaming)

(heavy metal music)

(music playing)

Oh fuck!

(screaming)

(music playing)

(screaming)

(music playing)

Somebody help me!

(music playing)

(roaring)

(music playing)

Get away!

(music playing)

(screaming)

(music playing)

(screaming)

(music playing)

Somebody help me.

(music playing)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(music playing)

(music playing)

(groaning)

(music playing)

(groaning)

(groaning)

Help me! Help me!

Help me. Open the door.

(door pounding) Help me! Help me!

(door pounding)

You have to help me. Let me use your phone.

Please.

Calm down, sugar.

You’re real dirty, but you’re real cute.

Call the police

My friends have been murdered.

Look,

there’s nothing out there, sweetheart.

Calm down.

(upbeat rock music)

(screaming)

I’m fucking telling you it's a Sasquatch.

Fucking Sasquatch.

There ain’t no fucking Sasquatch.

It was a Sasquatch.

- Yeah, yeah. - I’m telling you.

Here. Here. You smoke this

I'm calling the sheriff.

I need my lighter.

Well then get your lighter.

But I’m calling the sheriff.

UN fucking believable.

Sheriff’s office.

This is Sheriff Sonny speaking.

Yeah, Sheriff.

This is Toby.

I’m telling you, man, I just saw a Sasquatch.

He’s got the fucking news guys coming over here.

He’s laughing at me.

Yeah, of course he is.

I’m telling you.

Over by old McCreepy’s place.

I have a video.

I got the news coming. Yep.

Uh huh.

Okay.

Sheriff’s coming.

Dude. What the fuck did you put in that thing?

You’re seeing shit.

Settle down, Hogtie.

Fucking Sasquatch.

I’m telling you.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah

We’re rich.

Yes.

Get it all there.

Oh!

(ravioli splatting)

Yes.

(ravioli splatting)

Hey.

How far are we from the festival?

I’ll pull it up on my phone.

Are you kidding me?

Hate that shit.

I grew up around here.

Okay.

Well then how far are we from Texas?

We are in Texas, sweetheart.

Only a couple hours away from where the music festival’s at.

Yeah. Looks like it’s a small town called uh...

Dark Marsh

Yeah. How’d you know?

Duh. I’m from around here.

My old stomping grounds.

(giggling)

In fact, I lost my virginity a couple miles down that way.

A place called

Thelma’s Laundromat.

(giggling)

Creepy.

Pull over here for a bit.

I know a spot.

Get out.

Stretch.

Smoke a joint or two.

Alright.

But as long as we make it there on time tomorrow.

I do not want to miss the Buffalo Bud Buster set.

My old roommate knows Dino.

No way.

Hey.

Have you ever heard of Drug Sauna?

Alright!

Would you quit with that shit?

Who cares about your Canadian Cock Rock bullshit?

I’m just here to see Merlin.

(laughing distinctly)

Here we go.

Ah...

Yeah.

This is it.

This is it ladies.

Woo.

Huh?

Let’s check it out.

My dad,

my grandpa

hunted in these very woods, ladies.

(coughing)

(coughing)

Take it to the dome!

Did you guys hear that?

Everybody parties in the woods now these days

around here.

Come on.

Come on.

Sinners and partiers.

(giggling)

Oh my god, what is that?

What?

That.

Is that an ankle monitor?

Are you on fucking house arrest?

Oh shit.

No.

My nova ring fell out.

Awkward.

Okay. So,

anyway Nick.

What was it like growing up out here?

You know.

I mean, hunting for your own food.

Swinging from tire swings.

Yeah.

You know like what I imagine what would happen

if someone put a baby on the steps of a karate studio.

I never knew you were such a country man.

Let me tell you about it.

Country life,

it's quiet.

Not a lot of drama.

A lot of beauty beauty to look at, obviously.

But you can’t get to a whole lot of limits,

you know.

A lot of fishing.

A lot of drinking.

But,

not a whole lot of women out here.

Of course.

(laughing)

I mean, don’t get me wrong.

I like the big city.

Don’t get me wrong.

You know

It's just so refreshing,

you know

to come out here revisit the place.

Fuck yeah man.

This weekend

is going to be killer.

Take it to the dome!

Okay you guys.

I swear I just fucking heard something again.

I think I did too.

Girls.

(screaming)

What the fuck was that?

Oh, shit.

Run fucking run.

Oh shit! Oh shit!

(yelling distinctly)

(screaming)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(whispering)

(laughing)

(whispering)

Hi.

(panting)

Who the fuck are you?

Do you think you can just come into his woods

smoke weed with your friends?

Have a good time?

He picked us off

one by one

like onions on a pizza.

Fuck you bitch.

I think I can survive.

Huh?

What?

I thrive on this shit.

Come on.

I know how to survive.

(laughing)

I know how to survive!

(yelling)

(yelling)

(maniacal laughing)

I know how to survive!

(maniacal laughing)

Fuck you!

(panting)

(dramatic music)

(birds chirping)

(birds chirping)

(birds chirping)

(growling)

(growling)

I know how to survive.

(growling)

(maniacal laughing)

(growling)

How’s it going cutie?

(screaming)

(growling)

(spurting noise)

I knew you’d come around, but head on the first date?

That’s crazy.

(laughing)

Smell that?

I smelled him as soon as I came into the woods.

You’re a goddamn vegetarian.

(laughing)

Yeah. Your pH is all off.

(laughing)

Musky.

(laughing)

Fucking psychos.

Fucking no.

(laughing)

Help me.

Bunch of psychos.

(laughing)

(coughing)

(gagging)

(laughing)

(laughing)

Keep going.

Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

Where’s that boy at?

The fuck's taking him so long?

Please stop it.

(screaming)

No, no.

No.

(laughing)

No.

(screaming) No.

You’re thick headed.

No. Somebody.

Stop.

No, please stop, please.

(crying)

(screaming)

(video game sounds)

(panting)

Shit!

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(gun shot)

Hold your fire, I said.

I thought he was a Sasquatch.

Good god, boy.

I think we’ve killed the killer.

(music)

(music)

(broadcast music)

Tonight tragedy has shook small town Dark marsh.

Officials state they have recovered several bodies of millennial s

scattered throughout the woods.

In unrelated news, a man says he's seen a Sasquatch.

(soft music)

(phone ringing)

Dude. Where you fcukers at?

Merlin's about to go on right now.

Dude I've been waiting on them all day man.

some chick was freaking streaking naked right now, huh bro.

It was sick dude.

Dude so sick. Later dude.

Later bitches you snooze you lose.

(soft music)

Hope everyone’s ready for this weekend’s stoner festival.

I heard Dino from buffalo bud buster will be there.

I’m skid Sizemore and that’s the news.

Good night and sleep well Texas.

(broadcast music)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(music)

(mumbling)

(music)