Original subtitles

Scare prank number one.

SHE ROARS HE SHOUTS

Oi, I dropped my energy drink!

SHE ROARS HE SHOUTS

I dropped my energy drink!

SHE ROARS Oi!

I dropped my energy drink.

SHE ROARS

Holy...! I've dropped my energy drink!

HE GIGGLES

Sophie, I'm going to get you.

Sophie!

What are you two doing in Sophie's room?

SHE ROARS

I've dropped my energy drink!

Sorry, if this is a shock for you, to see your father with a man.

No, we know he's with men. He's a gay one, innit?

I thought you were kissing that bloke David from

swimming at the moment, anyway?

Don't talk about David in front of Stephen.

I don't know why you can't kiss in your room, leaving bloody kiss

all over both of our pillows.

How can I kiss Stephen in my poxy baby bed?

My room is smaller than a grape.

Is your room small? I've never been in there. Don't lie, you're always

in there bloody nicking his hiding chocolates.

No, he hides his chocolates with the freezer meat.

Well, don't think I don't know about your chocolate secrets, man.

Every time I see you, you've got little brown there. I don't have any chocolate secrets! Excuse me, now!

I want you both to move out, please. What?

Quickly... You said that so quickly.

We are both very nice and shy,

and I want to be in love with Stephen in private, very gently.

OK, I'll move out. I don't want it, thank you. I peg...your garden? Beg.

Where are you getting the money to move out? Come on.

Julian's been giving me 50 quids, so I've got, like, four now.

Bravo, Sophie, darling.

What a wonderful reaction to this.

Well, how sensual will you still be

with your gold that's spilling out of your head?

It's a very expensive time for me. What's expensive?

Carole's expecting a baby.

It's not your baby.

I mean, what... Why is that a good point?

Is the only way.

I really want to live with you, Dad, instead.

Stathi, maybe we could live with each other?

Obviously. Who else am I going to live with, Donald Trump?

Maybe we get a one room each

and then I wouldn't have to leave the room every time I do a sneeze.

You make her do this?

Yeah. What, you sneeze in the room you sleep?

It's so disgraceful.

Dad knows how much I love living with him.

He's wicked, man.

Oh, yes, so, so wicked.

Are you OK?

You look very, very foul.

Actually, Tomoko took her mattress after the break-up,

so I've just been on the wooden planks of the bed frame.

It's a very weak wood, so...

Is that not comfortable at all, then, or nice?

Is that not comfortable at all or nice?

You OK, Dean?

I'm sure you'll be fine, Stath.

You know, you're such a capable colonel.

Where do you reckon you'll move?

I'd like to be close to you, you old wise feather,

for a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to talk to.

Where do you live, again?

A couple of hours north. Penturney Street, West Birmingham,

right next to the low security prison.

It's a pretty scary square mile, but, but cheap...ish.

Why do you want to live there?

Uh, I think I'm going to be sick.

We should live together. Oh!

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. It has to be, that's the idea! Wow.

I'm crawling to you because we're doing it!

All right, we're living together! AL LAUGHS

Right, no? I... I... I've got my bedframe to move.

I'm not sure I can. Are you serious tonight?!

Imagine me, you and Sophie living together.

I'd bloody wake up every morning and scream from delight!

Sophie would be living with us? Yes.

Would she be chilled with that, or...or not? Yeah!

She'd be so bloody chilled out, she'd be asleep from here.

You're a priest!

Who doesn't want to live with a young...grey priest?

I'm not a priest, but...

Please, Ali. Ha, yeah, I... Ohhh.

Dang it, I'll live with you guys!

Ah-way!

Oh. You OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Had a bit of an accident? Are you OK? Yeah, I'm all right.

I'm going to start looking now!

Oh, yo, yo, yo. I actually saw a cheapish-looking three-bed.

It doesn't have a floor at the moment... No, striff that.

We're not looking here. I'm not looking at properly here, up Julian's bum.

We're luxury boys, innit? We've got to look for a luxury property, innit?

We'll go Smethwicks. I'll get a deal there, trust, trust, trust, trust.

And Sophie's definitely going to live with us? Yeah, yeah.

We should get Dean involved as well, the three closest friends, innit, living together!

We'd be doing bloody skate tricks all night! Skate. Brap!

No, never.

Absolutely no chance. 1,000% no.

Me and you and him, living together?

And I have to hear you chat shit here all day and then go home

and chat shit in more rooms?

I'd rather live here, at my desk.

Oh, Dean.

So, I won't require maternity leave.

I'll just take two days off sick, you know, max,

for the birth or whatever. You won't even miss me.

Just sort of see it as a long loo break.

HE SCOFFS Laughter? Vile. What?

Sorry. You're talking about having a baby like taking a shit.

Ah! Yes, Dean. HE LAUGHS

Look, I'm chill with it. It's your body.

Right. But, you know, if your work starts to slip,

we'll just have to make you go part-time. No!

They are right, Carole.

Well, it's a celebration, anyway,

cos me and Al have just decided we're going to live together.

And we're actually going to look for a flat

with a very strong sense of...babies.

I'm happy to chip in time to raise the little, what, fella,

even if it's not mine.

And it's definitely not mine, is it, very...preciously?

No. No, it's definitely not yours.

Then why won't you tell me who is fathering it, then, Carole?

Oh, right, fine.

It's Clerk.

Sorry, what is Clerk?

The dad. Clerk, OK? He's my on/off boyf.

He's smart and he makes bags. There.

Yeah, I get that, but why do you keep saying Clert?

Is Stath excited to live with me?

Yeah.

He does know about it, too.

Oh, my God, Sophie.

Mm. Do you think he will bring Al to the flat?

He's single, he's quiet. No. I just want to live my life, you know?

Drink hot drinks and just make some good quality music for once.

Yeah.

Living together is going to be Katia-banger city. Oh!

# Welcome to the house where our love is free

# Making tracks and ideas. #

Oh, my God.

All right, Sophie? I've got a surprise for you.

Guess who's living with us.

What, Katia?

No. No, it's the thing... It's... Drum hit...

Al, Al. AL LAUGHS

CAR BEEPS HORN

If you guys aren't comfortable with this, I can just scram right now.

Four's a lot. No, four's OK.

We'll just get a toaster that does four toasts, innit?

Once toast each.

Wait, are you OK with four?

Oh, God, yeah.

Well, I hope everyone likes to get crazy.

I don't go loco, solo. Yeah.

I love to get crazy.

Obviously I love to get crazy,

but usually I like to do it with my sister or my close friends like Al,

and NOT YOU, Katia!

Come on, Stathi, it could be like Friends, innit, on telly.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Cos we're all friends and cos we're so funny.

THEY LAUGH Hello, hello.

Are you here for the view? Ah, hi, Robbie.

Sorry, I thought you were the viewers.

Turns out you're assholes.

I actually don't know the girls.

And you're Al, right? I hear you're a nice guy.

No, I'm not sure about that. Yeah, well, we are the viewers, OK.

It's a shame on your name.

And tour us around the property, please.

You want to look at a Smethwicks property?

HE CHUCKLES

Christ.

Well, I hope you like it.

So do we, obviously. I want to... I would love to live here. Yeah.

Well, it is nice. OK, stop talking to me like you know me,

and shake my hand like a professional boy and tour me.

Well, customer's always right, I guess.

You bastard? What? Oh!

Argh!

He got me!

Ugh! All right, shall we head in?

Please keep your hands inside the carriage.

The kitchen area. As you can see, a bit of a hefty mother.

Yeah. Yeah. Soak it in.

I like to think of it as kind of freaking aircraft carrier.

Yeah, and I was thinking...when I come in here that it's sort of,

like, it's spaceful enough that you really can just take a walk

into the room, right. Excuse me. Oh, my God.

Come on, have a go. I'm doing the tour, mate.

Because it is really... You can, innit?

It's like the Serengali.

And that's going to be exercise for your...head...

What is going on? ..exercise for your leg.

And the cool thing about this is that it's basically so high-powered

that it's effectively... What are you doing over there?

I'm just showing them different things here. I'm showing you the microwave!

BOTH: And that really is a lovely handle.

BOTH: That is a lovely handle.

Stop. I can say whatever I want to say. You're just copying me!

That is a lovely handle. Why does this guy love handles so much?

It's one finger only.

It's got windows, which means that

if you're lucky, you can see the sun outside. Aw.

A natural glory kind of a thing.

Can you please let me? It's natural. Can you please let me?

Yeah, that's what we want.

There's a free standing tub, a lot of space to lather.

And is there an area to keep a lot of lotions?

This cupboard's got a lot of personality.

IN A HILLBILLY ACCENT: Doctor, I think there's something wrong with me jackets.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, can I have this room?

No, I want this room, Katia!

Why you so rude every time? You've got issues for real deal!

Now, hold on, wait, are you guys not sharing a room?

No. This is a three-bed.

Are you the couple?

No, I'm... I'm single now.

No, I'm single now.

Maybe get together?

You're both weird.

It's a three-bed, perfect.

Look how awkward you made it now! Don't ask private suggestions, man.

Are you two OK that he asked you about being a couple? No, it's fine.

Oh, it's made it, like, awkward, innit? Tsk!

HE SIGHS

Don't do that!

Well, don't do what you're doing.

As you can see, it's probably a bit nicer than you lot are used to.

No.

But it would be great if you wanted it.

So, you guys interested?

Uh, yeah, we want it.

I just think it's gorgeous. I love it. How much, sir?

Yeah, what can you do for me, dude?

It's 3,500 per month, so...

It's 3,500.

Look, I know the tricks.

I want the cool r...rates.

It's 3,500 per month.

I've done mate's rates before for people, but we don't get on at all.

Pfft!

I was keen for you offer a much cheaper price than you have.

Don't hit me! I know you were, I heard you the first time

and you're not going to get it.

Well, your breath stinks! Don't say that!

Get off me! You are such a pain in the neck!

Get involved, get involved, get involved.

You...!

O..OK.

I'm going to...! Oh.

Are you annoyed? No. SHOUTING OUTSIDE

Good.

Yes.

Oh, my God, why?

Your brother treat me like I'm a bra full of shit.

Sorry, bae.

Stath's acting fruitcake

because he's desp to still live with our dad.

He's longing. Yeah, you're both two slices of bloody fruitcake.

You just want to live with Al because you love his cold dick.

I don't want to! And you love... No.

Scratch my heart, man.

And I haven't even seen his cold...

WHISPERING: ..dick. Come and live in my flat now.

Us two, bae.

It's cheap, cheap, cheap and the owner let me crouch

in small cupboard to make our music.

I don't like crouching, it gives me crunchy tummy.

Sophie, diva, I love you, bae,

but you are V, V, V basic.

HE SIGHS

HE GROANS

In the back, please, Al. Thanks.

HE SIGHS

Ugh.

I had a fight with our boy, and I got him down to £3,500 a month.

Yeah! Heh-heh.

I mean that...that's what it was to start.

OK, we have problem.

Sophie like you both, but I would rather live in the stinging nettles

than with you, Stath, and you, skeleton.

So, bye-bye, bitch. I'm out of here.

Have a good life...don't!

Drop the microphone.

If you want to hang out soon, let me know.

What?

Has she gone? Goodbye, Katia.

Oh, that's much better.

Right, I didn't want to say anything,

but I, actually, really didn't want to live with her anyway. Mm.

Why do you need someone to show you around a property that

you showed someone around?

OK, if you show us, you can see

if it would be a suitable place to bring a baby as a guest, et cetera.

Oh, maybe I should bring along

the baby's father on the tour, see what he thinks.

I'm sorry, but if you're going to make up a boyfriend,

don't call it a name like Clerk.

Why ain't Carole doing it? I was eating my sandwiches.

I think Stath rattled her.

It's a tense time.

Yeah?

The truth can be rattling, innit?

OK.

You need me to actually show you?

I swear I've been here before.

This looks pretty fresh.

Yeah, it does. Yeah.

It does. It ticks all of the boxes. No, not this one.

Why? It's just the flat itself feels a bit hasty.

Does that make sense to anyone?

Basically, I tried to fix the shower and now it's just on always.

But I did make it so it now goes out the window

instead of in the hallway.

It was sodden out here before.

Oh, man.

SMASHING

Oh, man, this is one...the flat that's on a slant.

Fuck's sake.

Why do you look nervous?

It's not your fault it's like this.

Hard to explain, but weirdly it is.

I may have caused a smell in this one.

Don't even.

All right, then.

Going down.

What was that posh man saying earlier about us...

In a couple? ..going out? Yeah.

Crackers or what? Yes!

Yes. Oh, it's crazy, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you know, why can't we just be buds?

Please.

Yeah, you know, I know you're going to bring back some

little dudes to the flat and, you know, that's nice,

that's natural, that's... That's what I'm all about.

I know you're going to bring back, probably, seven tall girls.

OK. And then you're going to come to the kitchen and you've made a meal,

and it's probably spicy.

Yeah. Cos you like it spicy. Yes, I do.

And then I'll say to everyone, "Watch out, there's chillies."

Oh, I'm sure they'd appreciate that.

It's a wall, it shouldn't smell of nothing.

It's not the wall, it's the paint on the wall.

The builders, I told you, they were using that paint bucket

as a potty and then they mixed that with the paint, the wee.

It's barely my fault.

You all right? Yeah.

No-one ever sat in the front seat before.

Lucky man.

You've got luck on your side.

Where to next...poker player?

No, I'm banning you. You're banned from Michael & Eagle.

What? And I know what you two earn, you don't get no commissions.

Oh, it's extra money you get for letting a flat. Oh.

Go to, like, a proper cheap agency where they don't know you.

My dickhead cousin works for one, but it's fine.

You know American Let's?

There's a agency called American Let's!

Did you hear that, Sophie?

Howli, Parker.

Howli, Parker.

Tsss. What's that?

That's a rope. A cowboy's rope.

Very good.

All right. Stath? Yeah?

I've just been thinking, and I think it's better for me

to live among women, so I'm going to move in with Katia.

Why? Why?

I don't know.

But, what? Sophie!

DOG BARKS

Easy, easy, easy. What's easy?

MAN LAUGHS

What, you men here for 1109C, yeah?

Oh, yeah. What? Yeah, yeah.

American Let's, boy.

HE LAUGHS

Eh, you are too funny. You men are jokers, you are!

My gosh.

Right.

What's your names, then? What's your names, boys?

Oh, I'm Stath and this is Alistair.

My man's a joker, you know!

What, Alis...? HE LAUGHS

You lot are jokers. You're jokers, you're jokers.

And your name...?

Bits. Bits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bits, all right.

Hey, listen, boys, I got a good feeling

about this property, you know,

I think this is the one, you know, yeah? OK.

You men are jokers, you know?

Why are we jokers, though?

Ooh, ah.

This place is live! Well, do you like it, yeah? It's yours, take it.

Done deal, done deal, done deal. I'm not even in the ruddy thing yet.

Sorry, Bits, it's 990 a month, two beds, right?

990 a month? Yep.

But it's so nice, man.

Why is it so cheap, fam?

Probably because there's a bloody...a whole wall on the floor!

No doors. Just ropes, innit.

No doors, just ropes.

Just ropes.

Just ropes.

Rope.

No secrets, innit? Just ropes. You shouldn't keep saying about ropes

if you want us to rent the flat.

That's a bad thing. What is that room?

There's nothing in it, it's just bricks and broken glass.

This is the brick room, innit? Hey, Al, talk to your boy.

Why is there a brick room?

I don't think there should be a brick room, Bits.

How is it the bathroom? There's no baths or toilets or taps.

What's this about?

Dogs, innit?

They're coming to see the...bathroom.

You all right, boy? Yeah, but how did they get into the flat?

Because there's no doors, there's just the ropes.

Al, talk to your boy. He's not listening. It's just ropes.

It is a bedroom, I just need to...

..get it down, yeah? Just...

Bits, can I just have a word with Stath? It's coming home.

It's coming home. Please, I'd love to listen to you talk for a bit.

I think this place is actually really horrible

just cos of all the faults.

Yeah, yeah, I agree.

And I was just thinking, I'm not sure I can afford to move...

No... My front door's tiny, and I got to get my bedframe out of that

and also I have an old Hoover that I don't think would survive the trip.

But, but, but if you don't live with me,

then it's just a flat with one man! I can't do that.

Are you lot going to take it, yeah? No.

Sick! HE LAUGHS

Yeah, hello? They don't want it. I'm going to take it.

It's for me, yeah.

So what are you going to do now, then?

I'm going to go back home.

I've driven there now, so...

As in, your dad's?

What? Oh.

Yeah.

OK.

Bye.

Oh.

Bye.

Yes.

Um, so, just to be clear, I'm walking to the office?

Yeah.

MELANCHOLY PANPIPE PLAYS

I've finished packing.

I didn't say today.

Why are you rushing bye, baby?

Cos I want you and Stephen to be free to have love.

But I don't know if I'm making a nice choice.

Stephen is very, very too confident.

It's a hard decision.

Dad, you have given me and Stath everything.

You've given us a house and...don't know...

..this pen.

And I just want to give you something, too, innit.

Some space, innit.

You are the princess.

Mmm.

Hello. Hello, Stathi.

Why is everyone looking scared? Your sister is leaving, baby.

What? Already? Today?

Goldilocks has let down her hair and is climbing down her hair.

I'm so very, very proud of my sweetheart.

How were the other flats?

Rich, rich quality and I'm moving out as well

today...on my own...to a pad, yeah.

It's now or never, innit?

You've got to hit while the time is...on.

You are leaving today also as well?

Yeah.

My big boy.

Well done, agabimou.

You packing my fluffy, you swine?

Sorry. I wanted to take a thing of you.

Right, well, that's... that's all right.

I would have given you anyway as a present.

Say thank you for sharing a crisp and a chat with me over the years.

Oh.

Mmm.

Oh, ooh.

MUSIC PLAYS

Oupa.

I think Stephen's playing my tape.

Bravo, Stephen.

Hello, Stathi.

Hello, Sophia.

I don't know. You're so good at it.

I don't know... I never know how I'm doing it.

Oupa!

Oh, ena, dyo, tria. One, two, three.

ALL: Oupa!

It's like we in Cyprus, innit?

Where are you going? Woo.

Where you going? We going this way?

THEY LAUGH

So why are we going over to the meat freezer?

There is no chocolate in there, Sophia.

OK.

And I could stay on the couch.

And I... I could stay on the couch.

I could stay on a chair.

Or on a table.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Sorry, are you here for Caz?

No, Carole.

Yeah, I call her Caz.

Caz! So do I, yeah.

Who are you?

Clerk. Caz!

Right.

One night, yeah? Yeah.

And I only said yes because you cried.

But you're good, yeah?

Just don't...anything.

All right, OK.

What do you want to talk about, Dean? Chats.

Do you have any crisps as well?

Dean?

DEAN SNEEZES

Could you go out of the room if you're going to do that, please?