Original subtitles

for the love of God. Hello.

Do you know, this whole building's brand spanking new?

Even the bricks is fresh in the back this morning,

by the builder, the baker... The candlestick maker.

..the candle man.

What...w...what did you say?

The candlestick maker.

Why did you say that?

Have a look around.

It doesn't seem to have a hod.

Or was it a hog? With the pots.

A hob? Ooh, careful. Excuse me, excuse me.

Go, go, go, go. OK.

I think this might be the hob. Yeah, that's the hob.

So it cooks as well? Has it got Netflix on it or whatever?

No. It just cooks.

That's enough chargements to charge your phone, your telly,

your kettle, all at the same time, giving them equal chargements.

Do you mind if I just show myself around?

No, you need me to do it.

That's the cupboard.

Yeah. Quickly. That is like the windows opening.

Right. And inside... And outside, it's all bowls, baby.

House. AI: Hello.

What's the weather like today? Why did it go blue?

The temperature is 14 degrees.

HE GASPS

Yeah, it just tells you, like, what the weather is.

You can't... You shouldn't do that.

What do I say, house? You say, "House." Ha... All right.

Is it nice when the...when you're happy?

It's nice to be happy.

I can't help but agree.

That's lovely.

Oh, my God.

This looks like it's seen better days.

Those kids I was telling you about made it get smashed.

If you say, "House, can you play heavy metal?"

HEAVY METAL PLAYS

# The colour of the jacket goes with the wall

# And the skirt goes with the pipe...colour. #

Do you want to rent the flat? I'm sorry.

Oh. No, sorry.

Oooh.

If we were to take it, would you be who we dealt with?

Yeah. Yeah, at your office, we met this guy, Julian.

He was great and if there was maybe a way to... But do you not like me?

It's weird to say, but not really, no.

So...

..so honest.

They're funny, middle names, aren't they? I forget mine.

Lovely, there you go.

You've got yourself your very own two-bed.

It's like, oh, to bed or not to bed?

Who said that? All right. Yeah.

You've got so much paper on you. Oh.

Oh, yes, team!

Little coffee, is it?

Gorgeous little cafe!

Is that from the bean daddy? The defibrillator.

Baaah.

Quality having you up front. Striker!

Right, you lot, gather round in five minutes for a screening.

It's going to blow your cocks into your minds!

Sophie! Coffee, sushi, and your £40.

Oh, Jules, you missed it, I went to her, "To bed or not to bed,"

it was so funny. Can I have a...?

Did you just see? Julian got his knickers out,

strip-club naked style, innit? Ooh!

LAUGHING: Put it away.

No, I mean, it's good to see the whole person sometimes.

It's funny you being at the back now.

Cos you can be naughty, innit.

Swearing and whispering. Yeah.

HE CHUCKLES

Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, to the whole lot of you.

What were you listening to?

Ooh, well just a little track from a little, er...

..from you. It's so refreshing to hear women singing, for once.

Me and Katia do want to tell our story, you know,

the dramas and pains we're living every day and night.

Wait, who's done a track? Me and Katia done a song on her phone.

We're actually really confident with it.

Did you get my e-mail?

HE LAUGHS No.

What is it? A slow jam, yeah?

It's women's R&B, I think.

What is that?

Does Tomoko like drama music,

cos maybe she could share it with her Japan friends?

Ah, yeah. Oh, God, she's obsessed with drama music.

# Oh, my, God, there's a guard in the club... #

HE LAUGHS # Somebody buy me a drink

# Hey, get out of my way... #

Ha! It's the tennis lord.

Wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah.

It's the shoot it, tennis goal.

Nice return!

Rag a da... Yeah.

I've never played tennis, actually, ever.

All right.

Stath, I've got to make a coffee, but, very quickly,

did you love the track I sent?

Obviously. It's boofting, oh, my... Have I not said that yet?

Oi, listen to the track I sent you. It is dead.

I love you.

Why are you at the back?

Oh. What, did Julian put you here?

It's like I've been deported.

HE CHUCKLES

Obviously, not really. Real deportation is hell.

Still, though, I love how he's mimbling around the office

like he's better than life's bread.

Do you know what I mean? Like, changing everything.

I'll change his...head.

Yeah. That's...that's very good, that's dark.

Do you we should do something to him. Oi, would you prank him?

What would you do?

I...I'd put a dusty old mint in his pocket.

Or something like that. Galileo.

I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd go up to him and I'd go, "Julian, Julian, don't worry,

"there isn't any gunge in here."

But then I would gunge him with gunge on him.

Yes. You talking about gunging, what, from kids' TV?

Where are you going to get gunge? Ah, it's just gunge, innit?

You don't have any gunge, bruv.

I do have gunge. You don't have any gunge, bruv.

I do have gunge.

I do.

Got gunge.

Right, I dare you, yeah, to go up to Julian, yeah,

and call him, yeah, listen. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, call him a bastard.

No. Do it! No, I can't. You've got to do it!

I've got my job to...to...to...have.

Oh, please. Oh, please, you've got to do it.

OK.

Really? Yeah. Yes. Oh, my word.

Al's going to call Julian a bastard. Ooh.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

All right.

I'm just going to...

I'm Al.

It wasn't even a mouse in the end, so I just had all the cheese off the traps, then, didn't I?

It's not good for me, I'm phlegming like a sicko today.

Why does Carole look like a bath?

Right, you horrible lot, gather round the telly box, ASFAFP.

The Fs are for fucking, I love that.

It's like a viral video... Don't gather, trust me, don't gather, trust me, don't gather.

Julian, can I watch it before you put it on? Huh? I beg you, please.

Nah, man. Enjoy your moment, sunshine. Red carpet.

Right then, introducing the new era, you sickheads.

Calling us sickheads, charming.

MUSIC IN THE STYLE OF LANA DEL REY

# I'm your home, I'm your hell

# I'm this century's smell

# Catch the gold, grind it down

# While our dust is in the air

# Keep me close and breathing

# I refuse to let you go

# Come inside, come inside

# You don't need to ask me, come inside

# Now you can feel this

# No need to fight it

# Come inside, come inside... #

LIGHT APPLAUSE

Dean.

What?

Who's that?

What was that?

Did they...?

No, you didn't make that video.

Calm down, it's only going on the internet.

Well done, you two. So slick, yeah.

Why didn't you ask me to be in it, Jules, you daft apeth?

Dean's good in it, though, isn't he? Yeah, did you have to us spudding, like, eight times, though?

Excuse me, madam, where is my father, also, in the video about my father's family business,please?

You can't just have some old Greek bloke knocking about, you've got to,

you know, connect with the millennials, the yummy mummies.

I mean, they'll rent a shit in a box if you tell them it's cool enough.

Chuck in an avocado, you're laughing.

Hipsters love avos, don't they? They think they're lovely, it's so funny.

I don't know why you're chickling away, you weren't in it.

What, do you want to have sex with him? I'm sorry.

Well, I'm sorry, don't shame me, saying I have sex.

I don't have sex like that. You had sex with me. Sor... Thank you.

Yeah, and it put me off having sex, cos it was rancid. It was nice.

Never. I can never believe the chat. Sophie, come on, we're going home.

Hold on, I've got to make a coffee, though.

Nah, nah, nah, you can go, little un,

just bring me back some sushi, yeah?

She'll bring you back my daddy, yeah?

and he's going to grab you around, sir shine.

And then you press print.

Oh, yes, of course, Steven.

My name, so many times! Steven, my God, how did I deserve this?

Dad, yeah, Julian...

Hi, Dad. Oh, hi, Steven.

Dad, is sushi fish or drink?

Fish. It's fish.

Stathi, why are you at home, please? Be at work, please.

Dad, yeah, Julian done a video for the company and they...

It's not even, like, a family...one.

And it is too ru...rotten.

Can we believe this?

Yes, I saw his video and it is clever, sexy video. Bravo, Julian.

End. A full stop.

That's not...what you should have said.

Are you serious, man?

You left a bloody crook in the office, crooking it up all day.

Stathi, watch your ears and tell them to listen.

I want to be at home being happy Larry,

drawing my lovely name with Steven.

I miss you so much at work!

And Al, he's crushed, bless you.

Not a hug.

Just a touch for now. Oh, I wish it was a hug!

Baby, my large boy, what do you want for your life?

To make it nice?

Julian...dead.

Oh, no! No, I know...

Don't do spooky jokes in front of your sister!

It was too spooky, I was just...

Every answer you do is silly poo,

you don't want house or baby or family...

Obviously I want that! I've been trying to have a wife for ages.

It's true, he has.

OK, tell me.

I want to have a son who is our angel,

and I want to teach him how to...clap.

And I want to take him to fancy dress, dress him up like a spider.

And I want to give him the family business.

And I want to secretly watch him from round the corner,

while he celebrates about it.

This is lovely things.

But you get them how I got my lovely things.

On your own.

Sophie doesn't do anything on her own.

I am. I'm doing music on my own. With Katia.

I sent you this song, Steven, the fat track, do you like it?

Very fat track.

And I got a job making the fish and coffee for Julian.

Now this I like, my sweetheart,

I'm so proud of you making a coffee, agabi mou.

I haven't made one yet.

HE SPEAKS GREEK

Oh, you're making me laugh.

Never tickled me out the bloody room.

It's my name lots.

It's actually really nice.

Thank you, Steven.

Did you like Julian's video?

I thought it was a load of old croft.

I mean, yeah, it was...yeah, it was amazing,

but my dad's licking his video all day, loving it with his licks.

Oh, no, no, no. It is a video that is weak. Yeah. It's mainstream.

And it is croft, I think, yeah, no doubt in my mind.

You know what I mean, like, film me, innit,

I'll do like a bloody Hollywood.

Six times better than Julian done it.

Sorry, Stath, I love hanging in the car with you. Me, too. Chilling out.

Throwing out. But I actually have a viewing and the guy's waiting.

What, you want to film the viewing? Ah, no, just... Your viewing?

..just doing it because I haven't had a viewing in a long time.

But...wait, wait, we could...

You could film it and then I could do the tour around.

And then we could music with it, you know what I mean? Where they go like that?

HE SINGS RANDOMLY

# Ra, ra, ta, ta, ta. #

That sort of thing.

I've just got to ask the guy I'm showing, Mick, to see if...

I'll ask Mick, I'll ask him. Yep. Yeah.

Mick, do you want to be a movie star man?

Sorry, how am I not in the video?

You didn't even point to any of the bits.

I would have pointed at all the bits.

Are you ill? You look mad. No.

No, I'm buzzing. I'm hopping.

Don't say words with Hs near my face. I don't want to get sick.

Oh, my God, I've played it to everyone. My sisters, a teacher.

Oh! A boy in PC World. Oh!

Oh, my God. I played it on my phone on the bus.

Yeah? And the girl was like, "Shut up." Oh!

And the bus driver was like,

"Keep playing, that track is sizzling, girl."

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Did he?

I don't know.

I've played it to Dean

and he said it was the best...song he has ever heard in his life.

Yes, I got your e-mail. It's spam, I reported it.

Deano, I just let that five-bed to a young judge. Don't care.

Stath's sister, sushi.

What's this? Where'd you get this? Um, my dad's room.

No.

Ooh, you still here?

You should go home, you still look a bit vom, Caz.

Oh, yeah, no, I know, it's mad.

Cos I look rank, but I'm actually fine, so what's that about?

It's just going to be like a normal tour,

except there's just going to be a little bit of a camera

filming your every move, or whatever.

So, as you can see, this living room screams family, to the point,

I feel like I'm going to go deaf.

HE LAUGHS

Mick?

I've had a rough morning. Ay, Mick, have a look at this rabbit.

Don't you think it's cute as a family?

Mick, you're not...

Cos he's filming you, you've got to do a lovely big smile for us.

And when I'm walking with my friend Mick, here... Where's Mick?

Come on, Mick.

CHANTING: Come on, Mick, come on, Mick, come on, Mick.

Now keep quick with us, please, Mick.

We don't have to copy Julian as well, but maybe just, like, do a little bit more cool

things like in that one. Cos we can do them better, anyway, so it won't be the same.

That's fine. Yeah, just a bit of spice. What do you think, Mick?

Shall we do some cool things in this one?

So we're going to be cool on the... Yeah, great. Whenever you're ready, Stath.

And then more of that. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Ow.

It's like a rainstorm of tissues.

You need to say more things like that. Ugh.

Would you be up for getting in there?

Just a couple of blokes having a wash? No?

I'm going to say something cool and then I'm going to chuck the keys.

You've got to catch them, Al, or you, whoever it comes closer to, OK?

Hey, if you don't like this room, you're fresh out of...dice.

Oh, my God. Sorry. No, right. It's all right. I thought...

That was just a little too aggressive. ..you might be able to catch it.

Again, just slightly... Yeah, I know, I need to do it gentler.

Now that we're in the bathroom,

I guess we're got to have a laugh room. God! I'm sorry.

What sort of shots are you getting? Quite clever ones?

Yeah, just, like, sort of, nice shots.

I think we can get cleverer shots, to be honest. OK.

Hey, Mick, when you get a chair that's cool as this, you know..

..you're going to be sitting pretty tonight.

Ouch! I'm sorry. I don't know why I thought you was going to be able to catch that.

That's OK. Sorry, sorry, I don't know why I was in there.

Hey, Mick, what do you think of the bedroom?

Right, can you do the thing where you click on Mick's head

and make him smile,

and say something nice about the flat like, "Yes?"

I'm not sure I know how to do anything at all.

I know it was good when it was just you,

but I'm taking it from shin to hairline, genuinely.

You know, two months of me and you'll be able to afford

to make this place a little less disgusting.

Hello, there. Stath, have you learned anything today?

Uh, we're actually creating a new, better Michael & Eagle video.

Ha-ha! It's not drenched in water, it's drenched in family

and...quite serious men.

I had a drone. I had a choreographer.

Rita Ora's brother directed it. Better? Mugs.

What, you think I didn't have all that? What is that?

Julian, let him have a turn, maybe it's a nice video.

Are you kidding? Vasos.

We'll watch them both

when it's finished then decide which one we sell in HMV.

No, no, no, we're not selling them, they're going online, Vasos.

Uh-huh.

All right, it doesn't matter, I get it, it's fine,

it's like an outreach scheme, isn't it?

And I could have a go at doing my own one, if needs be. No.

Right, Dean, on for sushi in five, yeah?

I'm just gonna show Vasos some wood samples.

I hate fish and I didn't ask for anything.

JULIAN LAUGHS Love ya.

Sorry, is our one incredible, or not?

Yeah.

Hey, Stath, nice one, man.

What... What's she doing here?

QUIETLY: I don't even like her.

What did he say? I don't know.

What you guys doing?

You making a video, can we be in it? Is... Is it good?

You should let us be in it actually, cos to h-have two girls in it,

that's actually equal rights. Yeah.

And also, if you let us be in it, we'll... We can sing in it.

Ooh, that'd be lit.

That is a fair truth.

Also, what, maybe, what would you do? Like, um, a song?

Something about Michael & Eagle?

I dunno, like, uh...

Like something, um...

# Hey fellas, looking good

# Hey ladies, looking good

# Do you need a flat

# I can give you a flat If you come to Michael & Eagle

# Michael & Eagle is an eagle shop

# And is...the eagle's called Michael

# And he'll fly you to the best flat you ever seen

# There's champagne on ice

# There's cigarettes on ice There's dancing on ice

# There's the way of the ice

# And guess what the secret is

# The eagle's favourite drink is champagne. #

That is...humbling.

Yeah, it's worrying, the level of talent you two... You have.

No.

No, I'm not having that.

Girls, that was gub.

You want to stick that online, as an advert for a letting agency,

come on, girls, what planet?

Planet it's going in the video.

Unless, what idea do you have?

Dorothy from the smash-seller, The Wizard Of Oz, once said,

"There's no place like home."

And at M & E, we think she was onto something.

We ain't no wizards and this road ain't yellow or made of bricks.

Thank God.

But click your ruby heels together,

and we'll make sure that you and your munchkins...

..find a very, very nice flat.

So, check out our...

SHE RETCHES

Whoopsie on the forks!

There, there.

So, check out our web... I'm sorry, I-I was just sick, I can't carry on.

Yeah, I didn't think you would.

You OK? You want me to get you a thin... A thin yoghurt or something?

Oh, God. I'm pregnant, not bedbound.

Oh, uh...

Your pardon, my guvnor?

No, I, um...

Oh, do you know what, people are going to start to spot the glow

soon enough, aren't they? So, yeah, go on, then, yeah, I'm preggo, yeah.

Preggo? And are you the...mother?

I... Oh, yeah. I don't know how to answer that.

Yeah, sorry.

Carole, I presume, are you not...happy? This is bliss...

Yeah, but just don't blab to Julian, OK? Yeah. Yeah?

Cos I think you will, and I don't want him thinking I can't do my job,

all right? Cos I can do it.

Yeah.

Great. Woo.

What did she say about our flat song?

She said that it was grub.

She's grub.

That was a sick banger.

Ignore Carole, she's obviously never heard the music charts

in her damn life.

Yeah, and she was sweating so much today cos she's scared,

she can't even sing.

Yeah, well, you've seen right through her, yeah.

You know, um, I could do a vid of you two singing.

Slam it on the net. Really? Yeah.

Do it today, Alan?

Oh, my God, a-amazing.

Should we gel our hair so it's flat?

Oh, Tomoko's just texted, yeah.

I sent her the track, just to get her thoughts.

Oh, the one in Japan? Japan?

She wants to end our relationship.

Because of the track?

Because she thinks that I'm very weak,

and she doesn't want to live in

Birmingham any more, and she really, really fancies some other man.

It's a lovely bit of silk, you choose the pocket lining.

He even lets you stitch it with him as well,

and he's open till late, Dean.

I don't want to make a suit tonight.

Oh, fair play to you, big man, interns don't usually put in the hours.

AL LAUGHS

Bastard!

Did you know that one out of ten

flats is actually the best

flat of...London today?

My family business is called Michael & Eagle Lettings.

And I think that you can achieve dreams in life,

if you keep doing 20 smiles every day.

LOUD FLUSH

Da-da-da-da.

Hey, Mick, if you take the flat, you gotta pay the rent.

Sorry.

CLAPPING

Why is this your video, Stathi?

What do you...? Well, it's not finished yet.

Al's still got to do the water

and everything.

OK, enough is as much.

I think now we leave Julian to do things in a fantastic way.

Maybe don't try to do anything ever.

It's nice sometimes to do nothing.

Come on, Steven.

Urgh.

Feel sick to my pip. Oh, no.

Do you think you got it from Carole, she looked well-gurky today?

Well, that's cos she's pregnant.

She done a grey sick in a posh drawer. No, is it?

Oh, my!

Do you think it's yours? Cos you had sex.

That was, like, two months ago.

That's all right, innit?

No, cos the...

Oh, my God.

BLISSFUL CLASSICAL MUSIC

Uh...