Original subtitles

You don't have any work coming up soon?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Antonia's son, Julian, punched me in the face.

I just went into the toilet and Julian was in there even doing drugs,

at the end of the day, and that's said now.

- Sacked. Sacked. - What do you mean sacked?

STATH: You fancyAl, innit?

I clocked you, I got you. (LAUGHING) You fancy him.

This is my girlfriend, Tomoko.

Oh, you're OK, Sophie? Don't say that.

LEANNE: We could just look around on our own.

Why are we waiting to be shown around by some idiot?

-(SHOUTS) - Sorry, what are you doing?

I was just trying to get some excitement in our lives with a spooky scare.

Sorry, I'm Stath, the letting agent from Michael & Eagle Lettings.

Who are you, coming out of nowhere?

Oh, lovely.

Let's get these lights on. Ah!

Ah, yes, the electric actually runs on a meter,

er, so we don't like to top it up,

because we like it to be a nice treat for you

to be the first person who gets to turn the light on, if you rent the flat.

LEANNE: So the lights don't work? STATH: Did I say that?

Unfortunately, there isn't actually windows in this property,

but you can, erm... If you just touch this surface, very nicely,

you'll be able to see that it's actually a very soft chair.

If you grasp hold of this,

I believe it to be a long stick.

No, that's a... It's a cupboard with red...

I don't know why I'm guessing the colour.

Huh?

How on earth did I get in there?

I thought I was in here with you.

Are you keen to take the property, now that it definitely has windows?

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, yeah.

We were just saying it's an all right price.

I think we're interested.

Yes!

Go on then, I'll take it.

Yes!

- Is it available now? - Yes!

Sorry, that was just a question.

Oh, right, yeah, sorry.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, signed. Welcome to the Michael & Eagle family.

Oh, speaking of family, this is my sister, Sophie.

So, she's your sister now! See you at Merry Christmas!

Oh, bless you.

Happy Christmas.

Yes, on your way for another day.

Lovely. Goodbye.

STATH: What?

(SHOUTS) Not on me, mate!

What you doing inside my own office?

What, you think 'cause you just got fired from your office,

everyone's office is your office now? It's not. This one is mine.

Are you or your dad free for a bit of a chat?

- No. - Oh, my God, Julian! Oh, that's mad.

I was just thinking about you, actually.

I was just talking to this landlord called Jolyon,

and I was like, "Oh that's mad."

How can I help you today, my love?

Sorry, Karen, but I'm actually here to speak with Stath.

- Oh. It's Carole. - Sorry.

He called you Karen.

What?

I just come to see if there was any spare work going?

Ha!

Oh, what?

Are you family? No.

God, are you even Greek? Now what even are you? Scottish?

No I'm part French. Julian.

All right, look, just, erm, calm down for a sec.

- Yeah? - I am calm.

Yeah,just think about it, right.

I can bring all those contacts from Smethwicks. Yeah, all of them.

No! Do you know what day it is today?

BOTH: #Happybirthdaytoday

#Happybirthdayeveryday

#Happybirthdaytoday

-#Happybirthdayeverytime # -#HappyBirthday, Staff#

- Staff? - Dad.

Bravo!

Next time, please sing it in Greek. Nah?

- No. - I can't.

- Oh. - Look over there.

SOPHIE: Mm-hm.

(SOPHIE AND STATH CHUCKLING)

-(CHUCKLES) Is he getting the goal? - Yeah, very much.

Fabulous.

- Can you read it for me? - Oh. This side's from me.

"Dear Dad, happy birthday, I love you so much.

"I'd go crazy if you died."

Oh, I didn't write my name. But it's Sophie.

- Oh. - Sorry.

- Bravo. - STATH: Now mine.

Thank you, darling. Thank you very much.

My one now. (CLEARS THROAT)

"Dad, oh, my God, we been through so much good times,

"I can't even believe you're my Dad.

"Are you retiring today? 'Cause you said you would when you turn 70,

"'cause it would make me so proud to take over as manager."

Can you cut my hair, please, Sophia? Just a small one.

Dad.

Have you seen my sunglasses?

No, I've got mine. Cool.

I've told everyone to wear sunglasses as a theme for the party.

Sorry, erm, in the card, I asked about you retiring.

Did you hear that?

Yes, yes, I'm retiring.

No, I asked 'cause I wanna take over from you, the business. Can I?

Stathis, I'm having my haircut.

What? Come on tell me now, please, man! I've been working well hard.

I let a flat with the lights off! Dad!

Dad!

-(SHOUTS) Dad! Talk to me, man! - Fine! Shut up!

Yes. Yes, you are taking over from me as manager.

OK. Crumbs, man.

What, you're going?

- You're my family. - Hmm.

The business is yours.

- But don't tell anyone. - I won't.

I want to do it as a speech later, OK?

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

Yeah, thank you!

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

That's what I'm saying!

God, it's too much for my head, I feel my head's gone big.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - What's that?

STATH: I feel like I've been blessed by God!

- Is that Stath? - Yeah.

He's bare excited about his dad's birthday.

Good... Good job everyone. Work it!

Let's get a lovely amount of work done

and then we can all chill down at Dad's birthday drinks.

If you're good!

Hush your mouth, man.

Sorry about shouting just then,

I'm only telling you this, yeah, 'cause I know I can trust you.

Little secret.

But I think I'm gonna take over from Dad as manager, one day.

Obviously. You're his son, innit?

Thank you, Dean. That means a lot.

Er, Marcus?

- Ah, Statho. - Yeah.

Erm, I'm just telling everyone...

- Um... - What?

Well, soon enough, I'm gonna be the...

- Ah! Sorry. - What?

Ah, konnichiwa. (LAUGHING)

How was your day off? How was the London Eye?

Yeah, it was good. Thanks, yeah.

I mean, I got my coat trapped in the door of the pod, but it was...

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Michael & Eagle Lettings.

Sorry, I've just got to pee. Sorry.

I want to tell you, the thing is...

- Sorry, Stath! - What?

Oh, I haven't told you yet.

Do you work here? I've never seen you before.

Bev.

Good to have you on the team, Bev.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

You're so happy she's here on holiday, innit?

AL: Oh, yeah, that's cool, yeah.

I've lived by myself for so long, it takes a bit of getting used to.

Like, I'm a kinda "silence after 10:30pm kinda guy,"

so she says something at 11:00 and I kinda tense up a bit.

Uh, yeah.

But there are ups too, though.

You know, she brought a water filter.

So the water's been incredible.

I knewyou'd be so happy to have her here.

Oh! Oh, no, I've got to get to theJobcentre now,

I've got to get... Try to get some acting work.

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

What was that?

Oh, shejust said that Marcus is the funniest guy she's ever met,

and I was like, "I couldn't agree more."

- Grr. - Oh.

- Hello. - Hello!

Amazing.

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

Hmm. Uh, Tomoko'sjust asked,

"What are you up to now? It'd be nice for us all to chat."

SOPHIE: Oh! Erm...

For the party! Help yourself to that, Tototo.

I need to tell you my news. You bloody ignored me earlier.

Right, look, Vasos's birthday drinks doesn't start for another 20 minutes.

Let's make it count.

Excuse me, Carole, would you mind

if I had a quick private word with you in the corner?

- It's not a corner. - Well.

OK, look, I know we've got our little history, OK?

- I'm still very raw about that. - Shh.

But if I ever hear you talk to my staff again like that,

I will get a bit of paper and write "get out" on it,

and give you that bit of paper.

Well I'm not going to take that bit of paper.

OK. You gonna talk to me like that when I become manager?

Very smart and rudely?

Er, if there's a change in manager,

I imagine it'll be going my way, so don't get too excited.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) What a tremendous giggle, innit?

It's a family business, OK?

Michael & Eagle, not Michael & Carole.

You seriously need to watch yourself,

because when I'm manager, I will fire you within seconds.

Well, when I'm manager, I'll fire you within seconds.

Minutes. No, seconds.

And you know what,

Dad did just make me manager, OK?

And you are fired. So get out.

- What? - Sophie, tell her.

Dad just made him manager, it's like a birthday thing.

Yeah, and as a birthday present to him, I'm firing you.

You're fired.

Why are you firing Carole?

- CAROLE: Is Stath taking over? - No.

- What? Yes, I am. - No.

No more boss for you. I'm taking it away.

What?

I'm sorry, happy birthday, yeah, but your son is very, very shit.

And I'm sorry I had to say that.

Uh, yeah, shit. Good! Dad. I'm sorry, please...

- Let's go somewhere quiet. -(STATH GROANS)

OK.

- This is the same. - Yeah.

Vas, if you're retiring,

OK, I back myself, I want to apply to take over.

I want an interview.

Er, apply to me, innit. I'll put your application in a lake.

Right, how about this, I hand my notice in then.

- Put that in your lake. - Where is the lake?

No notice. No notice.

Interview, you can have an interview.

Let's do it now before the party gets dancing.

No, no, no, she can't, she'll get the job!

I get an interview too then, thank you, 'cause that's fair.

Just interview me and then interview him.

No, she can't go in on her own! She'll say manure about me!

Panagia mou!

I'll interviewyou at the same time. Boom! Finished.

All right.

Come on, birthday boy, let's get this party started!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Bev, up on your feet. Come on, Bev.

(SWITCHES MUSIC OFF)

My cousin told me a joke in Greek,

it's about the Kardashians.

And it says that their bums is so big

that they don't even need a chair.

(LAUGHING)

SOPHIE: Oh, my...

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

She loves it.

Basically, I would be amazing at thisjob.

Er, no, you wouldn't, she's lying in the interview.

- Red card. Beep! - Sorry. No, I'm sorry, can I just...

The reason why I want thisjob, is because I am thisjob.

- Does that make sense? - No.

I feel like everything in my life has built up to this.

Ten years old, started a tuck shop at school,

-made a killing on pink shrimps. -(STATH SIGHS)

Fourteen, rented out my bedroom to tourists.

Eighteen years old, Richard Branson of Virgin come to my college

and he said, "Carole, I'm blown away byyou."

- What? Did you fart on him? - Disgusting. Pathetic.

The point is, I wow people. I'm popular, I'm hungry...

Yeah, well then have some crisps and go back to the...

- Wait, where are you from? - Woolwich.

Right. I rest my case.

Wait. What tourists were visiting Woolwich?

Don't do so many interrupting.

Why do you want the job if you're so smarty daisy?

Right.

I want thisjob, yeah, and I'm right for thisjob, yeah,

'cause, yeah... (SNEEZES) Sorry.

I want the job, yeah, 'cause, you know that phrase?

"He handed it on to his son, and he handed it on to his son."

That is a nice phrase, and it's true, innit?

Sorry, are you drawing me?

Erm, Vas, I've actually written a couple of questions there,

which I think might really help us shine.

Oh, my tisking hell.

"A salesperson would be able to sell anything.

"Sell me the honey."

Ah, you want to buy my honey?

Oh, no. Uh...

What, do you want me to buy his honey?

No, Stath, you are selling the honey to Vas.

Why am I selling my dad his own honey? Get real.

No. Right. Pretend it's not his honey. OK, watch. (CLEARS THROAT)

Sir, can I ask you what it is you actually like about honey?

I like to have it, to eat.

Oh, well, this is lovely honey.

I'll buy it.

Oh, very clever.

Sophie, agabimou?

Is this your father's sunglasses party?

No, no. The grapes are over there. This is my dad's friend Yiannis.

Hi, Al. I'm Al.

Is this your husband?

- Oh, no. I'm not married to him. - No, no, no, no.

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

Al, can you help us with something. Bless you, bestie.

All right, Yiannis, there's grapes over there.

Al!

Here we are. The prime minister's coming for tea.

(LAUGHING)

Hi, guys.

Yes, who do you like working with more, out of me and Carole?

That was not the question. Let Vas ask the question.

It was the question I asked.

Sorry, Carole, what is it?

Right. OK. As our co-worker,

what do you see as mine and Stath's key strengths and weaknesses?

Weaknesses.

I... I don't think I can answer that.

- No, you should. - You can.

Come on, little friend.

It's OK, Alastair, speak.

Well, Carole, obviously has the highest success rate, work wise.

Um, I can't think of a weakness, she's an amazing strong person.

Start with me, if possible.

And, erm, Stath I know very well,

and he's a good...guy, and...

Oh, my God! Thank you, man. Wow!

Christ, sorry. (LAUGHS)

And no weaknesses, he said. Was gonna say, like Carole.

No. Not like me at all.

- Yeah, it was similar. - I don't know what you heard.

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

I'm sorry, but who's closer to Al? Who knows Al better?

Al, stand up for yourself!

(YELLING) I am standing up for myself!

I'm burning in the fire!

I'm standing in the middle of the god-damn fire out there!

Sorry, my head.

Al, calm down, yeah?

Sorry, Tomokojust appeared out of nowhere and...

I got my coat stuck in the pod of the London Eye, so...

God, I forgot about that, I'm sorry.

I'm fine though, really. I'm fine. I'm the best.

You're damn right you are.

You're better than... You're better than anyone.

And, if I become manager,

I'm gonna make you the top one in the office. Honestly, I will.

It's great idea.

It's not a great idea. I'm sorry, Al doesn't do anything, he'sjust there.

(SOFTLY) I'll just go outside.

Look, I'm sorry, we can't hire people because they're there,

or we feel sorry for them.

I mean, look, Julian came in this morning with his CV.

The man is a machine.

- It's not good to be a machine. - Look, hear me out.

If we were to hire him as an agent...

Don't start.

Don't bring his name up in my Dad's office.

Right, look, I'm sorry, but this is the problem.

You won't hireJulian, because you don't like him as a person.

- VASOS: Yeah. - You don't give a shit about the work.

You're going to tell me who I give my shits to now, Carole?

Am I stupid because I don't hire crooks?

Enough. No more interview.

No, all I'm saying is, he could bring his clients over from Smethwicks.

Am I manager now? 'Cause she said that.

- That was quite bad, innit? - No. No.

No one is the manager.

It is my birthday day,

and you are both acting like you are the queen of a castle

and I'm the dirty arsehole.

- Happy birthday. - Sorry, Vas.

I need to think. I don't know.

If I know later, I'll say.

If I don't say, I don't know.

Oh, I've been squishing on my glasses.

Oh, make a wish.

- VASOS: Sophia, darling. - Is Stath manager?

Get me some new glasses for my birthday.

Oh... OK.

Sorry, I've got to go out. Sorry.

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

Sophie-san... Uh, Sophie, um...

We'd like to come too, we'd like to get some fresh air.

Oh, erm... Lovely.

The way we were all standing, I thought we were going to do a Greek dance.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(EXCLAIMING)

We look so cool, innit?

Oh, yeah. God!

- Like a pop group! -(CHUCKLES)

MichaelJackson.

Or surfer dudes.

Imagine MichaelJackson surfing down a red carpet.

-(LAUGHS) - Sunglasses.

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

It's a difficult concept to grasp.

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

Erm, Tomoko...

Tomoko wants me to ask what's going on between us.

What did you say?

She wants to hear it from you.

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

Can you tell her, I do really like him, Al, a lot,

and he's very nice to me,

but I don't want to have sex with him, like, naked or anything.

-(SPEAKINGJAPANESE) - Just friendships.

She's sorry if it was embarrassing to ask.

No. It's lovely to ask.

How do you say lovely in Japan?

Utsukushi.

Oochy kutesy.

STATH: He's thinkin' he's gonna make me manager,

but hejust needs a bit more time to think.

I'm actually a very good judge of character,

and there is no way that you are getting that job.

I think you'd both be smashing. Two very strong contenders, actually.

You knowyou'lljust be writing paperwork all day if you get the job.

Why is that good?

Why? You know why it's good. 'Cause it's...

It's cool. It's manager.

Oh!

Well, I'm manager of Michael & Eagle.

Excuse me, are you the manager of Michael & Eagle?

- Yes, sir. - No one gives a shit.

Manager of Michael & Eagle. What does Michael & Eagle even mean?

Michael & Eagle?

Because my Dad had a friend called Michael, and he had a dog.

Then why Eagle?

'Cause the dog was called Eagle.

STATH: Oh, has Dad called you?

Nah, I just saw, he's coming back down the road.

- Stath... - Oh, my God, everyone hide. He's coming.

-(CHUCKLES) - It's not a surprise party.

Hello.

Everybody, the birthday boy's here. Raise your wine!

- Raise your wine! - AL: Vasos, this is Tomoko.

-(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) - STATH: Sorry. Excuse me.

Stagi man, get out the way, he's my Dad.

Imagine if I got in your way on your Dad's birthday.

Get out the way!

Dad? (CHUCKLES) Dad!

(CHATTING IN GREEK)

Sorry, sorry, I want to do a present for my Dad.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SINGING IN GREEK)

What are you doing in here? Piss off, Scottish idiot.

- I'm half French, Stath. - No, no! Not arguing now, thank you.

Thank you for my song, it was...

What's he doing here?

- Please. - What?

Right. Get out.

Er, thank you for all being here to love me and have a fabulous time.

To be honest, I'm not happy to be turning 70.

It's shit. I don't want it.

Yeah, but why is Julian here, though?

- Hush, baby. Hush, baby. Not now. - Get out.

I've told some people I'm going to retire.

I'm sorry, I'm not going to retire any more.

What? Then why did I bother singing a bloody song?

It's not a speech if you keep interrupting,

it's just a loud chat!

I'm not retiring!

I am bringing someone on board to manage alongside me.

- Is itJulian? - VASOS: Stathis...

- Is itJulian? - It is Julian.

(SCOFFS)

VASOS: Carole, you make a nice point earlier.

I've spoken to him, he has changed a lot.

He's going to bring us a lot of business.

It's good for business, it's good for family.

I'm doing it for you.

(CLAPPING)

Ah, I haven't even had a sip of champagne yet!

(LAUGHING) Basically, this is all out of the blue for me.

Er, it's kinda like (IMITATES EXPLOSION) you know.

Obviously, Vas, you and I have got to have a chat, work out wagwan.

Uh, it's exciting, it feels fresh. You know, it's a fresh start.

Feel free to call meJulian, that'd be nice.

I'm thinking actually, Vas,

maybe some fridges there, with some sparkling water.

Anyway, doesn't matter. You know, maybe drop some dead wood.

Bring in some fresh wood!

Yeah, but basically, let's just start letting some fucking flats, yeah!

(CHUCKLES) But definitely drop some dead wood.

Where's Sophie?

Vasos, efcharistopoly, which is Greek for thank you.

What is this?

Sophie!

Oh, OK, so my sister's smoking herself to death now?

Do I even have a family or something, whatever?

Why you being so dramatic for?

Huh?

This is the most necessary dramatic of the century, man!

Did you see what happened in there? No, you didn't.

I've got a Scottish boss now, OK?

He's gonna make my life a hivving lell... Hivving hell!

Shut up!

- Were you singing in there? - Huh?

What you doing that for?

Singing a song for Dad.

What, was it shit?

Everyone's acting like I sang a shit in their ear.

Well, it was well sad.

You should have done like a happy-go-lucky one.

Or made something up.

Well, what? Like what?

#Dancing with Dadin theriver of love

#Dancing with Dad

#And we'replaying in the club forlife #

You just make that up now?

(LAUGHS)

I swear, damn, man, my sister's gonna be famous.

You're dirty, you were just throwing that up!

Oh, my God, that's the best song I've ever heard.

- Aw. - Serious.

You've always had the gift of the song, innit?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Back in the day.

Man, what was that one we used to do? Love stress...

- Stressed out life. - Stressed out life!

#Stressed outlife, stressed outtimes

BOTH: # We'restressin'in themornin' and we'restressin'in thenight

#Don'tstress, baby, everything will be fine

#Let'sgo to the club anddrink the wine

#Stressing #

MARCUS: Stressing.

Let's go inside.

Is there any grapes left?

AL: Sorry!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)