Original subtitles

Man: Burgers, I love burgers.

Who doesn’t love burgers?

You show me a guy who doesn’t love burgers,

I’ll show you...

I’m just saying, we all love burgers.

And why not?

They’re one of life’s simple pleasures.

They make us happy,

and when it’s all said and done,

that’s all anybody wants, right?

To be happy.

I say, what makes every guy happy are the four B’s:

burgers, beer, babes,

and your buddies.

Speaking of buddies,

let me tell you a little story about my buddy, Frank--

Ahh, they don’t come any nicer.

This guy had it all.

He’s so nice, he was willing to give one of his kidneys

to his brother-in-law,

and it wasn’t even his brother-in-law anymore.

It was his ex-wife’s brother.

You never know what you got until you lose it.

I’m getting ahead of myself, let me back up.

Frank had the dream job.

He was the city’s number one sportscaster.

And when asked how she plans

to spend her $83 million lottery winnings,

the 97-year-old widow said

she’s going to Vegas.

And you know what they say,

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

Well, let’s hope so, huh, Marco?

And coming up next,

Frank’s got some big sports news for us. Right, Frank?

You betcha. Bigger than big.

Great. But first, let’s take a quick look at weather.

Jedda, when are you going to do something about this heat?

When are you gonna do something about racial profiling?

Don’t be asking me about this heat.

I am not Mother Nature. Don’t ask me about the heat.

We are in conjunction with Mars.

We are so hot right now

because we are getting the vapors in the atmosphere

from the planet Mars--

Hey, did you clean your room yet?

I’ll clean it later.

You’re not going to your father’s game tomorrow

unless your room’s clean.

Mom, it’s the Charity Challenge.

Dad’s coming on in a second to talk about it.

Come, smell the money

because nobody should be ugly and poor.

I’m Roger Byamm.

Wrapping up with sports.

Frank, you have a big game tomorrow.

That’s right. It’s the Charity Challenge.

Our team, the Ringsiders, will take on Rotolo’s Pizza.

If we win, $5,000 goes to the Children’s Bureau of New Orleans.

The first pitch, 3:00 p.m.

We hope to see you all out there.

For myself, Jay, Frank and Jedda,

thanks for watching Channel 7 news at 6:00.

You don’t have to speak for me.

I can speak for myself.

I can say, "Bye-bye." See? I’m a grown woman.

Bye-bye.

Shane:Clear.

So, Jedda, are you gonna come watch the game tomorrow?

Could use the support.

Well, there’s nothing I’d rather see

than your fine white asses

in some tight baseball pants,

but I can’t find a babysitter for my son, Jihad.

But I’ll be there in spirit.

The greatest double play combo in Little League history,

Johnny Green to Frank Baum.

Hey, how long have you two been playing ball together anyway?

Since before you were born.

Met during Little League, been friends ever since.

As you might have noticed,

some of us have aged better than others.

What?

-Woo! -Again.

Oh, my, backdoor.

So I just reminded your old man

not to go killing himself before the surgery.

You know the last thing I need is a bruised kidney.

Frank is not my old man anymore.

Oh, please. The two of you are still in love, just admit it.

We’re getting a divorce.

Listen. I know you’re my big sister and all,

but let me remind you that neither of you

have signed any papers yet.

Okay. He’s been really busy at work,

and now he’s giving you a kidney,

so I haven’t wanted to add to it

by saying, "Gee, thanks for saving my brother’s life.

Now would you sign these papers?"

Yeah, but you came to the game and all.

I came to the game because of Frankie.

-He wants to see his dad play ball. -Uh-huh.

Johnny: If you ask me,

I think they’re still in love, too.

But one thing that’s stopping them

is Frank’s new girlfriend, Trinnie, get a load of her.

Hey, baby.

Mwah.

-Oh! -Oh.

Is he your dad?

No, he’s my boyfriend.

Oh, wow. You like them old.

Frank happens to be the city’s number one sportscaster.

Oh, yeah.

I’ve seen his work.

Look, Henry.

Everything Frank and I ever did

happened around a ballpark,

a golf course, or a boxing ring.

It’s--it’s--it’s just not what I want.

What do you want?

I want him to grow up.

I’m not raising two teenagers.

Besides,

he’s with that millionaire hoo-ha now.

Woman: Diane?

Well, speak of the devil.

Oh, excuse. Oh.

Diane, I just want you to know

how wonderful I think it is that you brought little Frankie here

to see his daddy play this game.

A boy should be around his daddy.

I was just telling Frank last night in bed

that I think you’re doing a fine job with little Frankie.

He’s a great boy.

And Diane, I want you to know

that I’m not trying to take your place in any way.

Umpire: Play ball!

Here we go. Here we go. Get it.

Announcer: A double-play combination

from Baum to Green to first base.

Let me buy peanuts for everybody.

Hey, peanuts.

Umpire: You’re out.

Strike three.

Announcer: Oh, for Christ’s sake.

You guys could screw up a two-car parade.

What are we gonna do?

Remember our second Little League championship?

Henry Ott?

-Henry Ott. -Henry Ott.

We need you to get on base.

Right. So should I bunt or...?

Yeah. We need you to take one for the team.

What does that mean?

Crowd on the plate. Let the pitch hit you.

What? Won’t that hurt?

Yeah. Shake it off.

- Umpire: Batter up. - You’re the man, Shane.

-Ah. -Ooh.

Safe.

Are you okay?

Yeah! Yeah!

Because if you’re hurt, I can get you some money.

Oh, yeah, I smell money.

Stay down. Stay down.

Medic!

Johnny: So Frank came through,

as he always does, and we won.

The kids of New Orleans won.

And we went to celebrate at our bar,

Larry Holmes’ bar.

Larry: Kill the jukebox!

Yup, that Larry Holmes.

I wanna make a toast to a bunch of great guys, man.

You guys played a heck of a game.

To the champ!

Can I have everyone’s attention, just for a minute, please?

Thank you.

Um, I--I’d like to make a toast to the man of the hour.

And for me, many more hours.

I don’t know how many of you guys know this,

but Frank is giving me a kidney the day after tomorrow.

And I just-- I wanna say thank you.

To my hero, Frank.

To Frank.

Frank, you’re one brave son of a bitch.

That is a beautiful thing you’re doing. Beautiful.

Ah, you’d do the same thing, buddy.

No, I wouldn’t, I’m a pussy.

I can’t stand the sight of blood.

I can’t stand the sight of my ex-wives either or their brothers.

Although, I wouldn’t mind seeing their blood.

Well, geez, Dad.

I didn’t know you could still run that far.

Hey, hey.

But, uh, really that-- that--that was awesome.

And--and Uncle Henry, I.

Listen. When I get out of the hospital,

you and I are gonna spend some serious time together, all right?

-We are going fishing... -Hey, Frankie.

Well, another great game.

Thanks for coming.

Listen, Frank, despite our differences,

I really want you to know how much I appreciate

what you’re doing for my brother.

Hmm, Doc says three to four days,

I’ll be out of the hospital, a little rest, I’ll be back at the station.

It’s a big deal to me Frank, so thank you.

Well, Frank Baum, you’re just the man of the hour.

I think we ought to get going soon,

so we can celebrate this big evening, don’t you?

Let’s have another drink with the boys.

Hey, everybody, everybody, hey, hey,

I wanna thank you all for a great game today,

you played your asses off. Especially Shane.

Yeah, Shane. That is a championship ass.

We raised $5,000 for a great charity.

-To the children of New Orleans. -Children of New Orleans.

Trinnie: It’s game time.

Batter up.

Today, today, today, today,

I consider myself, self, self, self

the luckiest man, man, man, man

on the face of the Earth, Earth, Earth, Earth.

Newscaster: And from all of us at Channel 7 News,

good night.

Director: Clear.

Good show. Good show. Good show.

Now Frank, I know you’re going on medical leave,

so I’m thinking maybe we’ll do a news story on your organ donation.

You know, sweeps season’s coming up, and I got nothing else on the calendar.

-I don’t think so, Stan. -Great.

Hmm, that reminds me. Biff!

I wanna introduce you to the guy

who’s gonna be filling in for you while you’re gone.

Biff, Frank. Frank, Biff.

-Frank? So nice to finally meet you. -Pleasure.

It’s an honor to pinch-hit for you while you’re out.

-Yeah. -I’ve been watching you for

as long as I can remember.

How long have you been on the air?

Seems like forever.

So, uh, how long are you gonna be gone?

I don’t know. A week, maybe two.

Oh, cool. Great. Yeah.

Yeah, I’ve been, uh, trying to finish up my reel.

My agent says that ESPN is very interested in me.

Who’s, uh, your agent, Frank?

I don’t have one. I’m not going anywhere.

Who knows these days, right?

Woman: Dr. Howard, Dr. Howard, Dr. Howard...

Hey, you.

Margarita, that’s your name, right?

I need to have a smoke. Cigareto.

Nicotino, you understand? Nicotino, comprendo?

Just stay in here.

There’s one more patient coming in.

If I’m not back, just have him sign this.

-Comprendo? -Okay.

Okay. After the patient signs this,

take the paperwork, put it into the blue folder.

Okay.

The blue folder goes into the orange folder, okay?

Okay.

Then the orange goes into the green, okay?

Okay.

Now listen,mamacita,

whatever you do,

do not put the blue into the red

and into the green, okay?

-Okay. -Muchas nachos.

Hi, I’m Frank Baum.

Is this pre-surgery check-in?

Okay.

-Okay? -Okay.

Okay.

-Okay. -Okay.

Woman: Dr. Holsen to the ER.

I need to talk to Dr. Metalon on the 4th floor, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Dr. Scholl to Orthopedics.

Dr. Scholl to Orthopedics.

Woman: Okay, Frank,

now count backwards from a hundred.

Ninety-nine, ninety-eight,

ninety-seven, ninety-six...

Two.

Morning, baby.

Time to take some vitals.

Okay. What do you need?

Oh, just temperature, blood pressure.

Your breakfast should be up in a minute. You hungry?

I guess. I’m just tired.

Yeah. Well, you had some surgery, missy.

The anesthesia should, um, wear off in a minute.

Good morning.

Rise and shine.

Look what I got for you today. Breakfast.

-Oh, thank you. -I’m Annie Mae.

If you need anything, you just press that button, baby.

Okay. Thanks.

You’re too out of it last night to order

so I got you the slim diet.

All the posties order that.

Okay. Great. Thank you.

If you need anything, just let the nurse know, okay?

All right.

-Morning. -Morning.

I have today’s newspaper and some magazines for you.

Great, thank you.

Do you have Sports Illustrated or something like that?

Sure. Not with me,

but I’ll see if I can find one and bring it back later.

Okay, great. Thank you.

Good morning.

It’s the first day of the rest of your life.

And you are?

Dr. Ramada. I performed the surgery on you.

-Where’s Dr. Metalon? -Should I know him?

Well, I guess. I mean, he’s the one I talked to.

I thought he was gonna perform the surgery.

Well, the thing is, you’ve already had the surgery

and it could not have gone better.

And it looks like you are doing very, very well.

-How’s Henry? -Who’s Henry?

Henry. He’s Henry Gayle.

He’s the reason I had the surgery.

Oh, sure.

His name is Henry.

-Yeah. -Well, I don’t know

but, uh, I’m sure he’s very happy.

Well, I don’t know about happy,

but as long as he’s okay.

Are you in any pain?

Actually, yeah. A lot.

Where?

My balls.

Impossible.

No. No. They--they really hurt.

Well, it may hurt but I can assure you,

it’s not your balls.

I’m no doc, but I’m telling you,

the whole groin is, like, throbbing.

You know?

Let me take a look.

Please.

Wow, that is beautiful.

Yeah. Doc, maybe you could just look at the incision.

I am.

Oh.

I thought they took it from somewhere else.

Well, where else do you think we might’ve taken it from?

I don’t know, I just--yeah.

Now look, Frank, or is it Fran?

Frank.

When you get home, tell Henry to, uh,

take it easy for a while until everything heals.

All right. Will do.

I mean, we don’t live together, so.

-Really? -Yeah.

So what should I do and not do?

Well, I would say start with some gentle foreplay

and make sure you use a good lubricant.

-What? -To keep it moist.

-Moist? -Yeah, sure.

You’re not gonna be able to do that naturally.

Didn’t they explain this to you?

No. Actually, they didn’t.

Well, lube, okay?

Okay. Well, whatever.

I had no idea donating an organ

was gonna be such a hassle.

Donating? That’s a good one.

I never heard it called that before.

Well, that’s what I did, right?

No. No. No. Frank, you know, I like you.

You’re a funny guy.

You know, you don’t just take that organ and...

What a minute. You’re my doc, right?

Well, I would say I am. I performed the surgery.

-I mean, you took my organ? -Yeah.

And then you gave it to Henry?

Oh! Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

I’m sorry, no. You thought Henry had it?

-What do you mean? Yeah. -Well, that’s so sweet.

No, no, no, Frank. It--it--

it’s not like your tonsils.

You don’t take it home in a jar.

Wait, Henry doesn’t have my kidney?

-Kidney? -My kidney.

-Kidney? -Yeah, my kid--

Jesus, Doc,

I donated my kidney to Henry Gayle.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy what?

Oh, shit, oh, boy.

Wait, wait, what does that mean?

Uh, your name Frank Baum?

Yeah, I’m Frank Baum.

This does not make any sense.

I don’t like the sound of that, Doc.

Well...

Oh, Jesus, Doc.

What are you saying here?

Are you in touch with your feminine side?

Well, what are you getting at, Doc?

There’s been a little mix-up.

A mix-up?

We took the wrong organ.

The wrong organ?

Like my liver?

No.

Well, I still have my heart.

Right.

Oops.

No!

Hey, Dad, what’s up?

Hey, buddy.

-Trinnie: Hey, how are you? -Bad.

Oh, not feeling so well?

-No. -A little pain, Pop?

Yeah, pain, but worse than pain.

Oh, my God, Frank, did something go wrong?

They said everything went perfectly.

No, it did not go perfectly.

Not perfectly at all, at all, at all.

Well, Dad, what is it?

I don’t wanna talk about it, son.

No, look, Frank, what happened? How serious is it?

I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?

Okay.

Hey, there’s the man of the hour.

-Oh, Jesus. -I figured you could use

a little root pop after what you’ve been through.

What is this, a party?

What’s his problem?

Surgery didn’t go right.

Is he okay?

I don’t know. He won’t talk about it.

What? Frank, what the hell happened? Are you okay?

No, I am not okay. I don’t wanna talk about it.

You can’t make me, I’m never gonna talk about it.

Come on, Dad, what’s the deal?

This is crazy. You don’t even sound like yourself, Frank.

I am not myself.

Come on, buddy, Frank.

That’s just the medication talking.

You’re gonna be back again to your old self in no time.

No, buddy, no.

I’m never gonna be myself again.

It’s over.

Frank, this is ridiculous. Stop being like this.

All right, Dad, come on. Snap out of it.

You don’t understand.

Something happened.

That doctor, he...

Frank, sweetie?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, there he is.

How is my big, handsome stud doing?

What’s wrong with him?

He says he’s not himself and never will be again.

Why? What happened? Did something go wrong?

It’s horrible, just horrible.

Come on, Frank, what happened already?

The doctor, he--

Frank Baum, here I am

with good wishes and prayers of the entire parish.

-Jesus Christ. -Him too.

-Oh. -What’s wrong with the boy?

Look, Frank, this is enough. You’re being childish.

Come on, Frank, what is the big deal here?

You wanna know? You wanna know what’s wrong?

You wanna know what those bastards did to me?

Take a look at this.

Hey, Frank, thanks for saving my life.

I didn’t. There was an error.

Huge error.

Unimaginable error.

Biblical error.

What do you mean? I got a kidney.

-Not mine. -Hold on, Henry.

If you don’t have Frank’s kidney,

whose kidney do you have?

-I’m nurse Carly. -And I’m nurse Carl.

And we have a song.

Just for you.

♪ You’ve got a vagina Fresh and new ♪

♪ Here’s a little tip From us to you ♪

♪ If you’re gonna hook up With a dude ♪

♪ Be sure to use Lots of lube ♪

Man: Channel 7 News is brought to you today by Rotolo’s Pizzeria.

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Man: And now for your five-day forecast with Jedda.

Boy, look,

don’t make me come home and have to whup you.

No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Turn on the TV and put--

and put on Channel 7.

Now, listen, listen to me.

Don’t you dare set that babysitter on fire again.

Jedda, weather.

It’s hot! And it’s gonna be hot.

It’s New Orleans in the summertime. Hot.

And now Biff has a special sports update for us.

Biff, I can’t believe you actually rode a horse in the Derby.

And finished in the money.

I can vouch for that.

That was truly amazing.

Thanks for the tip.

I’m out.

I’ll raise you a buck.

This is too rich for me.

I’m just a poor working stiff.

Your buck, and I’ll take last raise.

-What you got, man? -Full boat.

Oh, very nice.

I got a bigger boat.

Thank you, gents.

A pleasure doing business with you.

This is not my week. I mean, really.

Oh, come on, Frank, it’s--it’s nothing.

It’s nothing at all.

Nothing.

Nada, who cares?

Who cares about what?

Who cares about nothing, right, guys? Nothing.

Nothing.

Johnny, did you tell them?

No. Nothing.

All right. Something.

I--I--I might have told them to just be a little supportive.

Frank, it’s nothing.

It’s nothing, Frank. Come on, who cares?

So, you got a snatch. No big deal.

Yeah, no big deal. Nothing to worry about.

-Really? -Really, really.

-Who cares? Who cares? -Don’t give it another thought.

Doesn’t make a difference. It’s nothing, buddy.

I mean, come on, guys, think about it.

Who among us, at one point or another,

has not seriously wished that they had a snatch?

Well, to be honest, I never have.

I never even thought about it.

Yeah, me neither, it’s awful.

But the point is, buddy, we love you.

You are the man. You are the one and only.

So, come on, don’t be so damn hard on yourself.

I appreciate the support, guys,

but I am getting this taken care of.

I am getting back to normal.

Back to normal.

Okay, boys, ante up. Five cards.

Jacks or better.

I mean, it’s not like things have really changed.

You look the same to me.

Yeah, you’re as ugly as always.

Yeah, I mean, it’s not like it’s a turn-on.

What?

You having a--a snatch.

It’s not--that’s not, I guess, a turn-on or anything.

Yeah, yeah, too ugly to fuck.

I mean, there are some guys that, you know,

they had a snatch.

I mean, you--you know,

I don’t know, you know.

-You lost me. -Be grateful.

I’m just saying there are some pretty guys that maybe,

just maybe, you might have to consider.

What, are we in a Turkish prison?

Well, I’m not saying

you’d bypass Halle Berry to get to them,

but say you’re--

you’re stranded on a desert island.

-Like Gilligan’s Island? -Exactly.

-I’d do Ginger or Mary Anne. -Me too.

But what if they weren’t there?

Mrs. Howell. Definitely Mrs. Howell.

Good call. Old, but rich.

Okay, okay.

But let’s say you’re the Skipper

and it’s just Mr. Howell and Gilligan.

Okay, guys, stop, okay? Stop.

What’s the question?

If Gilligan had a snatch, is what I’m saying.

That’s the option?

And we’re moving right along.

Okay. Forget it.

-Matt Damon. -Huh?

What about Matt Damon?

If Matt Damon and I were on a desert island

and he had a snatch,

maybe.

Matt Damon? Hmm.

Hmm. Matt Damon is awfully pretty.

-Very. -Agreed.

Matt Damon is a very pretty man.

Well, I’d do Matt Damon on the condition he had a snatch.

Jesus, guys.

So you’re saying, we would--

we would bang Matt Damon if he had a pussy?

-You’ve done worse. -True.

Yeah. Matt Damon.

On a desert island.

With a snatch.

Well, I would have to vote yes.

I need to use the head.

So it’s agreed.

If one of us were trapped on a desert island,

and the only other person on said desert island

was one very pretty actor by the name of Matt Damon,

and this said actor, Matt Damon,

had no male genitalia, but in fact, a snatch,

we would therefore fornicate

with said pretty actor, Matt Damon?

-Yes. -If he’d have me.

Frank: Jesus, guys, is it too much to ask?

When you use the toilet, put the seat down!

Woman: I’m sorry, but he’s not in his office.

-When do you expect him? -I really can’t.

-Frank Baum. -Doctor.

What brings you here?

I was wondering if you’d like to give me my penis back.

I’d love to.

-Great, when can we schedule? -I can’t.

What the hell? I thought.

I would love to, but since your operation,

I’ve lost my license to perform surgery in the United States.

I might go to Bangkok.

No, no. You’re the one that got me

into this situation in the first place.

I was supposed to donate my kidney, not my--

Frank, maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

Why don’t you take it out for a test drive?

A what?

You know, take it around the block a few times.

You might like it.

No, no, I don’t wanna test it. I want my dick back.

You’d have to talk to Dr. Weller about that.

Who--who’s Dr. Weller?

I am the head of the hospital’s

gender reassignment department. And you are?

I’m Frank Baum.

Of course. You.

Please sit in the other chair.

Oh, that one broken?

Of course not.

Please don’t cross your legs.

Okay.

-Please don’t do that. -What?

-That. -What that?

That that. Stop it now. I insist.

-Okay, stopped. -Thank you.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

Well, first of all, I have a vagina.

And a very nice one, I might add. Congratulations.

Thank you, but I don’t want it.

You should’ve thought of that before you got it.

-What? -Tell me,

did you give serious consideration to this

before you had your gender reassignment?

No, never for a second.

Well, that seems rather silly, don’t you think?

No, no, no. There’s been a terrible mistake.

Okay, let me guess.

Your mother was overbearing and your father was distant.

You loved to play with dolls

and put on your mother’s pretty dresses and high-heeled shoes

every morning when she went off to work.

-Never. -Not even once?

-Never. -Hmm.

Doctor, if we could just schedule

the operation and give it all back.

No.

-No? -No.

-Why not? -Well, it’s not that easy.

We don’t just change someone’s gender willy-nilly.

-Oh, I--I-- I beg to differ you do. -Don’t.

-Do. -Don’t.

-Do, did. Well, you did with me. -Well, I didn’t.

-Well, the other doctor, he did. -Ah, yes.

He doesn’t work here anymore.

In fact, he’s no longer even a doctor.

I know. He told me.

-This is all so sad. -I know.

Not you, him.

He’s been a surgeon his whole life.

Now, it’s all down the drain.

No more pension, no retirement in Florida.

Wait, I’m the one who was screwed here.

-He lost his license... -I lost my dick, you prick.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I can’t work with you if you’re gonna be hostile.

I’m hostile because you won’t give me my dick back.

I don’t have it.

I just wanna be a man again.

-Are you a misogynist? -Of course not, I love women.

As long as you don’t have to be one.

Tell me, are you the same way with blacks as well?

-Blacks, blacks. Do you like blacks? -Of course...

Yeah, as long as you don’t have to actually be black.

-No, no... -Would you rather be a black man

-or a black woman? -Neither.

My point exactly.

I’m sorry, you’re just not ready to be transformed.

And until you are, I can’t, in all good conscience,

approve you for gender reassignment.

This is crazy. You’re crazy.

That is exactly the kind of attitude that is going to delay

your gender reassignment procedure.

Oh, my God. Okay. What do I have to do?

Just--just tell me what I need to do. What?

When you are ready to...

...heal yourself and calmly progress down

the path toward gender reassignment

like a nice, calm, normal,

sane human being, then we can talk.

Until then, I have other patients to see.

This is not over. Not over.

It’s never over.

Do you suffer from sneezing and runny eyes every spring?

Think maybe it’s pollen or spring fever?

Take it from me, Roger Byamm, it’s time to think again.

You may be suffering from asphaltitis...

...of the nose and sinus area caused by the microscopic...

-Hey, Frank. -Yup.

-Can I talk to you? -Yeah. Give me a minute. I’m almost done.

Now.

Sure, what’s so important?

There seems to be a little problem.

-With what? -With you.

Me? With what?

There’s been a few complaints from some of the other gym members.

What? Like-- was the equipment not wiped down?

It’s kind of a different problem than that.

We’ve gotten a few complaints about you using the men’s locker room.

I’m a man.

Yeah, but with a vagina.

And so, technically, you shouldn’t even be in there.

What, you want me to use the women’s locker room?

You’re not supposed to be in there either.

So you don’t want me to use the men’s locker room,

you don’t want me to use the women’s locker room,

what kind of discrimination is that?

It’s just making some people feel being uncomfortable.

You’re saying you don’t want me to work out here anymore?

Yes, yes, that’s what I’m saying.

I’m sorry.

Roger: Let’s smell the money, baby.

I smell money for you and for me.

Call the offices of Roger Byamm.

I answer the phone myself.

You know what? I ought to sue your ass.

I ought to sue you for discrimination.

I’m gonna sue you into next Tuesday, big guy.

You know that? And I’m gonna sue you, Mr. West Village.

And I’m gonna sue you, Mr. Tattoo Man.

And I’m suing you, baby.

But first, I am suing that goddamn hospital!

Roger: Okay, Earl.

Keep that neck brace on and work on that limp.

Pain and suffering.

Pain and suffering are good, Earl.

They are good.

-If you say so. -I do say so. I know so.

Now, we’ll work on mental anguish next time,

but for now, what, Earl?

-Pain and suffering. -Ha! There you go. Way to go, Earl.

-Earl, what do I smell? -Money?

Yeah, you’re getting it.

Earl?

Money.

Yeah. That’s it, baby.

Hey, Frank. How are you? You look great.

Come on in. All right.

Gosh, I’m sorry for the wait, everyone.

But remember, it’s Vicodin Monday.

So, Frank, what can I do to help?

Well, um...

you know, this isn’t easy.

Suing people never is, but that’s what we do here.

Well, it’s a little-- it’s--it’s--

it’s personal. It’s embarrassing.

Nothing’s embarrassing.

Well, it’s sexual.

-Can’t get wood? -Hmm?

-Impotent. -Oh, in a way.

- Preservatives in the food, maybe. -What?

I got some cash last year for this guy.

He had a really hot wife, and she left him

because he lost the chub in his chubby.

I blamed it on salad dressing.

I know that sounds crazy, but it worked.

Yeah. Well, it’s--it’s-- that’s not it exactly.

Oh, well. Look, don’t worry about it.

This happens all the time.

We just have to figure out someone to blame it on.

No, no. I know who to blame.

Great, makes my job a lot easier.

Who are you thinking?

Look, it’s--it’s worse-- it’s worse than that.

Is there anything worse than a limp dick?

No dick.

I’m Roger.

-At the hospital, they cut off my dick. -What?

I was going to give my ex-wife’s brother my kidney.

-I came out with a vagina. -They did what?

They cut off my dick and my balls. They gave me a snatch.

Okay. You’re putting me on.

Man, you had me going. This is a put-on.

Are there cameras here somewhere, huh?

I’m being Punk’d, right? This is kind of cool.

I know. I was famous around here

but I didn’t think Ashton Kutcher knew who I was.

What do I do, just kind of what,

play along with it, huh, Frank?

No. You don’t understand.

I have a vagina, a beaver, a snatch, a twat,

a muff, a gash, a cooz,

whatever you wanna call it, I have one.

Sure you do, I see it all the time.

You know, I think I’m gonna check case law

to see if there’s a precedent for this.

Oh, my God.

I smell money.

Frank, this is big.

This is huge! It’s unbelievable!

I have never seen anything like this,

because there has never been anything like this.

There is no case law for anything like this.

Oh, my God. You have hit the lottery.

I’ve hit the lottery. We have hit the lottery.

You’re gonna be rich, Frank. I’m gonna be richer.

Oh, there’s gonna be lots and lots and lots of money.

Warehouses full of money.

Obama and every democrat that ever lived

has never given away the kind of money we’re talking about.

You’re a one-man economic stimulus package, Frank.

Do you smell it?

Breathe.

That’s money.

Oh, Frank, I smell money.

Johnny: Well, by now, Frank was desperate.

I am one with my open mind.

And Dr. Weller suggested to go to a support group.

All: I am one with my open mind.

I am one with my singing heart.

Johnny: And let me tell you, what a group.

All: ...with my singing heart.

I am one with my blossoming genitals.

All: I am one with my blossoming genitals.

Yes.

Uh, is this the...?

Oh, you must be Frank. Welcome to the group.

Come on in and have a seat.

Everyone, Frank is gonna be a part of our little group.

Honey, ease up on the testosterone shots.

You’re there.

I like them manly. I’ll do you like a jackhammer.

-Ladies, ladies... -I ain’t no lady.

Sorry, Michelle.

It’s Mitchell, and you damn well know that.

Yes. Mitchell, please.

Frank is here for the same reason that you all are.

He wants a penis.

Well, no shit.

Exactly how much testosterone do you take?

Hmm? None.

Well, how much were you taking?

-None. -Bullshit.

Frank is a unique case.

Yeah. I’m a, uh...

I’m a unique case.

Yeah. You’re the ugliest woman I ever seen.

Don’t let them hurt your feelings, Frank.

They can be mean, especially the little one.

Up yours, princess.

Michelle, Mitchell. Please be supportive.

Ugly, so ugly.

-Well, thank you. -For what?

-I don’t wanna look like a woman. -You don’t.

Well, not a pretty one for sure.

But you are pretty in your own way.

What freaking way is that?

Frank is unique in that he is a man

who happens to have a vagina by mistake.

-Same here. -No, no, no.

What she means is I’m-- I’m a man,

but because of an accident, I have a vagina.

Same here, same here.

No, no, I--I-- I was born a man.

-What? -With a penis.

-You were? -Yes, I was a man.

-There was an accident. -What sort of accident?

A terrible accident.

Frank, you wanna-- you wanna share your story?

Yes, Frank, please, tell us how you lost your dick.

Well, my brother-in-law,

my ex-brother-in-law, he-- he needed a transplant.

-He needed a dick? -A kidney.

I’m already confused.

-Go on, Frank. -The admitting nurse,

she didn’t speak English very well.

-Fucking spics. -No, she wasn’t Spanish.

Koreans, those fucking people.

Actually, she was, like, Indian or Pakistani, something like that.

Oh, like the ones that answer the phone

when you call about your credit card?

Yeah, like that.

Did she have a red dot on her forehead?

-She did. -They’re so hot.

I would like to do one of those women with a red dot.

Mitchell, please. Frank.

The next thing I knew, it was gone.

So your brother-in-law’s got your dick?

-They do dick transplant? -I have no idea.

-Well, who’s got your dick? -I think they threw it out.

-Those bastards. -Son of a bitches.

-I want that dick. -I want that dick.

I had that dick.

Everybody, I think we should have

a moment of silence in memory of Frank’s penis.

Doc, I went to that support group you suggested.

Why can’t I get my surgery now?

Oh, Frank, Frank, Frank.

Just because you went to one meeting with a bunch of pre-ops

who wanna have their genders reassigned

doesn’t mean you’re physically and emotionally prepared for this procedure.

You’ll have to do more than that to get approved for your operation.

Well, who decides when I get approved?

-I do. -You?

-Me. -Just you?

Just me.

Woman: Dr. Hugh to Psychiatry. Dr. Hugh to Psychiatry.

Hey, girl.

Hey, Frank.

So I’m planning on having you talk to someone from the NHL

-for the upcoming winter sport season? -Great.

But would you feel more comfortable

if you had to interview someone from the Croatian

women’s gymnastics team?

No, the usual, Sugar Bowl, stuff like that.

Sure, fine.

So listen, you’re gonna be on the 5:00, the 7:00,

and the 11:00 news.

This is huge.

Why didn’t you tell us before? You know we’re in sweeps.

Wait, what?

Your sex change operation.

That lawyer guy who advertises with us,

Roger Byamm, we picked up his press release on the lawsuit.

Frank, you are a one-man ratings bonanza.

Can you say local Emmy?

You know, Stan, I think I’d really rather

keep this private, if you don’t mind.

And our viewers, I don’t think they want this.

They tune into us for news.

Oh, please, please. Our viewers get their news off the internet, Frank.

They come to us for entertainment.

Frank, this is all about the ratings.

Some people are gonna tune in just out of curiosity.

Heck, we might even pick up some freaky viewers.

-Hey, I’m no freak. -I know.

All I’m saying is, Frank, the freaks, they’ve got TVs too.

As a matter of fact, we should be selling ad space

to all of those joints that sell to the freaks,

all that freaky stuff.

Sales!

Frank, every talk show is calling to interview you.

We’ve got messages from Ellen, Regis,

Katie Couric, Letterman, Oprah.

-Oprah? -Yeah. And Dr. Drew from Loveline.

And speaking of that, can I ask you a question?

What is it, buddy?

Where exactly is the G-spot?

I’m not sure.

Great. You have a vagina and you don’t even know.

How am I ever gonna find it?

My girl.

My name is Frank. I am not a girl, Jedda.

Okay, let me just talk to you.

This whole you got a va-jay-jay thing is not a big deal.

My brother Earl had the same operation

and everything turned out fine.

He would show up for Christmas dinner

as Uncle Earl, and then he would

come back for dessert as Aunt Earlina.

And we all got two gifts.

Oh, one thing.

Yeast.

Oh, my God. Frank...

you’re a cougar.

-What are you doing? -My desk now.

Ned, we have a situation.

You’re my stud, my main man.

Hmm, this is nice.

I’ve missed you.

And your little Trin Trin has missed her man, too.

I tried calling and calling,

but you never picked up.

Well, I had a lot to think about.

Well, I hope you were thinking about me all that time.

Well, I guess we need to be a little patient.

I’m gonna get that operation

and everything’s gonna get back to normal.

Mm-hmm. Maybe even better.

Hmm?

Maybe it can be like the Six Million Dollar Man.

We can build him,

we can make him better than he was.

Well, I’d like to think I was okay before.

No complaints.

No complaints, mister.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, no, oh, oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay. I’m sorry, I can’t.

What?

I’m sorry, I just cannot do this. Wow.

Can’t do what? Baby, it’s me.

No, it’s not, at least not all of you.

I’m just--I’m not-- I’m not like this. I’m not.

-Like what? -I’m not a lesbian.

Me neither, I’m not even a woman.

I’m me, Frank. I’m a man.

With a vagina.

Frank, ugh!

Even if I wanted to experiment,

it would be with some hot chick like Angelina Jolie

over wine or whatever.

But not like this.

I’m sorry, Frank,

but this just is not gonna work.

I tried, but I don’t know.

I don’t wanna see that, Frank.

What?

Your snatch, Frank, your snatch.

I don’t think I’m ever gonna forget it, ever.

Where are you going?

To get drunk, very drunk.

-And then you’re coming back? -No.

Well, then where are you going?

To therapy, weeks, months,

maybe years of therapy.

As much as my daddy can afford.

Well, I’ll call you tomorrow.

-We can talk about it, all right? -No. Aah!

There it is again. Jesus.

Goodbye, Frank.

Goodbye.

Drive safely.

So you’re all alone now, huh? Me, too.

I’m all alone too, who cares?

So what? The main thing is we have each other.

Right?

You bet, buddy.

I mean, you remember when Marge left me

for that cable guy? Huh?

You were there for me.

Oh, and Emily left me for the mailman?

You were there for me.

When Joan left me for the guy who mows the lawn.

-The Mexican guy? -I think he was Ecuadorian.

But you were there for me.

Women, they come and go, they come and they go.

But friends, best friends, Frank,

like you, you’re always there for me.

I always will be, buddy.

How long have we known each other, huh?

Thirty years?

-Thirty-one? -Thirty-one years, wow.

Long time.

Hey, Frank, what do you say?

How about we kick things up a notch?

-What do you mean? -Notch, kick, up.

You wanna fuck me?

-What? -What?

Jesus Christ, Frank. My God, what are you, crazy?

Okay. Sorry, sorry, I thought--

when you-- when you said--

sorry.

My God.

Oh, man.

Hey, now that you brought it up...

-You do wanna fuck me? -What? No.

-No, I don’t wanna fuck-- -You do.

It’s not like I wanna kiss you or anything.

I’m just saying you got a nice new shiny vagina,

it’s a waste just sitting there.

Let’s take it for a spin.

I am not gay. You are not gay.

You weren’t until, like, a second ago.

No, I am not gay.

You wanna fuck me? We’re not that drunk.

Me fucking you, not gay.

Johnny fucking Frankie, very gay!

You have a vagina, huh? Not gay.

Buddy, all I’m saying is we have

what married couples wish they had.

I mean, we’re best friends, we’re buddies.

I mean, think about it. Picture this.

I don’t want to picture it.

Sundays, huh?

What do you like to do?

-Saints games. -Saints games, me too.

-What do you do on Saturday? -Golf?

Golf, 10:00 tee time, sharp, me too.

You like burgers, I like burgers.

I love burgers. You are not fucking me.

Both of you guys are making me sick.

All right, I won’t fuck you.

You most certainly will not fuck me.

So I says to him, "Dad, the good news is

you’re finally gonna get that son you always wanted."

Hey, what do you say we take a five-minute break?

You look down, Frank. What’s going on?

I just want Weller to give me that surgery

so I can get my life back.

Well, that’s natural.

But in the meantime,

you need to focus on your inner self.

In fact,

we’re doing a day of readings and poetry

as a little fundraiser for the center.

Why don’t you read something?

Express how you feel, get it out of your system.

In public? I don’t think so.

Yeah, come on.

Nobody would understand it.

Aww. Frank,

it’ll be a good way for you to get know

about other people at the center.

Plus, it might look good to Dr. Weller.

Weller.

What’s that tool’s problem?

Yeah, he’s a tool with a God complex.

-What do you say? -I don’t know.

Gabriella, can you help Frank

write something to read at the fundraiser?

Yeah, I could totally help.

-Well... -Great.

Everyone, Frank has decided

to join you in your upcoming performance.

Oh, awesome.

In the meantime, why don’t we figure out a little group activity

for everybody to participate in before the show?

-Oh, putt-putt golf. -Are you crazy?

Those fucking golf clubs are bigger than me.

-That’s not fair. -Let’s do batting cages.

-You play ball? -Does she play ball?

Abbe’s the Great Bambina.

I’ve been playing softball 18 years, pal.

And she ain’t bad either.

-Her? -No strike zone.

Let me catch my breath.

That was great, huh?

Sure, Dad.

What? Cats in the Cradle. You love that one.

Well, not really. I mean, not anymore.

I liked it when I was, like, seven, but I’m grown up now.

Wow.

Well, all grown up, yeah.

You’re a man now, huh?

That’s right, Dad. I am a man.

Well, let me ask you something then.

Man to man.

You’re okay with everything?

What everything?

I don’t know, I mean, your mother and I we...

we don’t get on that well.

You know, everything else?

Look, you’re my dad.

I love and I’m proud of you.

I don’t care what you have or don’t have down there.

It’s never been a factor in my life,

and I wanna keep it that way.

Deal?

-Deal. -All right.

Wow, no more Storyland, huh?

Nope.

Okay, well, let me ask you this then, man to man.

What are you into now?

-Man to man? -Mm-hmm.

Chicks.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

You’re sure you won’t have a beer?

No, no. It’s a little early for me, Pop.

You know, those are twist-offs.

Twist off.

A bottle to me is meant to be popped open.

Hell, if I had a buck for every bottle of beer that I opened,

I’d owned a brewery.

I could remember when you were a kid,

I use to open up your root beer bottles with this, remember?

-Oh, yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

Those long-necked Barq’s, I remember.

That’s the one.

I’d have my beer and you’d drink your root beer,

and we’d be like a couple of old-timers.

Made me feel like a grown-up.

Yeah. Yeah.

What’s the matter, son? What’s--what’s eating at you?

Oh, you know, Pop.

Oh, that?

Yeah. That damn shame.

I’m hoping they let me have my surgery soon.

I just wanna be a man again.

You are a man, a good man.

Well, it doesn’t feel that way.

You know, there’s a lot that goes into being a man

besides having a johnson.

Oh, they took my balls too.

I got an idea.

Come on with me.

-Where? -Come on, come on, come on.

I’ll show you. Come on. Let’s go.

Hey, good morning, sweetie.

Well, hello, Frank. You’re looking mighty good today.

How are you? Thank you very much.

Meet my son Frank.

-Frank, Jr.? -No, Frank the VI.

-The VI? -Long story.

All the men in my family are named Frank.

Like George Foreman and all his boys being named George.

I don’t know. We’re Franks and they’re Georges.

Okay. Well, may I be frank with you?

Why not? Everybody else is.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, where’s Hunter?

-Where else? -Oh, where else is right.

-See you later, sweetie. -Have a good day, guys.

Thank you.

Hot dog. That’s a good man.

Hey, Frank.

How’s it going? Wanna do some one-on-one with me?

Come on.

Lay off us old-timers, will you?

Hey, this is my son Frank. He’s a hotshot.

He’ll give you some competition.

Oh, I don’t know about that.

How about Around the World?

-Huh? -Why not?

Take it easy on him, will you?

-Okay. -All right.

Hey, how about you guys, huh?

How are you doing, Joe? Let me give you a hand.

-Good luck. -All right.

I’ll take your wallet.

All right. This is the one.

Oh!

I think I just got hustled.

Where did you learn to shoot like that?

Playground.

Warren Easton High School.

Warren Easton High School?

Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute.

You’re Hunter Mileaux.

The one and only.

I remember you. You were all-state.

-Life, huh? -Life, man, Afghanistan.

Land mine.

Wow.

Yeah, it ain’t how I saw life going,

but I’m here talking to you.

And I think I just kicked your ass at basketball.

I think you did.

See, life is not about yesterday.

It’s about today.

It’s about now. It’s about next week,

next year.

I get out of here next month.

Got a job as an accountant.

Took the classes while I was in here.

I got a life and a career.

Don’t get me wrong, I miss the fast breaks

and the slam dunks.

Man, you used to fly through the air,

just hang there.

Listen to the roar of the crowd.

It’s unreal, man. Just unreal.

But it’s in here.

Right here.

Nothing could take that away from me.

And no matter what you see here,

or what body parts aren’t here,

I’m here.

I’m right here.

Yo.

You guys have a lot in common, you know?

Nah. I’m just a sportscaster.

You know, a lot of people don’t know this,

but Hunter was instrumental to saving lot of lives.

That mine went off right under him,

and it took everything.

He crawled with what he had left.

He went down and radioed for support.

That tough SOB.

But let me tell you something,

I’ve been in combat and I’ve seen a lot,

but I never saw anything more beautiful

than you being wheeled into that operating room,

ready to give one your kidneys.

You went in there to save a man’s life.

Not for pay, or patriotic duty,

but just because you’re a man.

You’re brave, son. Real brave.

Okay,

so they took your junk instead.

But that doesn’t change why you were there.

Having a penis makes you a male,

but it doesn’t make you a man.

You’re a man, Frank Baum.

Understood?

Understood.

Hey, Frank, I just wanted to come check on you.

Yeah, uh, I’m not so sure about this.

I’m thinking maybe I ought to tell some funny stories about athletes instead.

There was this one time in Puerto Rico,

I was at this bar mitzvah, with Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson

-and Elton John. We’re at the piano... -No. Frank, don’t do that.

Be a part of this.

Use this experience.

-For what? -To learn.

Learn about yourself, and maybe about your friends,

and the people who love you and why they love you.

Oh, I say

these are not the parts and poems of the body only,

but of the soul.

Oh, I say now, these are the soul.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

And now for the last, and I would say,

most special performer in our program.

Please welcome, a wonderful man,

Frank Baum.

Yeah, go get him, Frank.

Frankie!

Go get them!

Sorry.

"My vagina.

"My vagina is a part of me.

"But it is not the all of me.

"It is not who I am or who I shall be,

"but just one unique and special part of me.

"I live and love

"and want the world to see

"that there is so much more of me.

"Judge me by my soul and by my deeds

"and not by just this part of me.

"I am who I am

and that I shall always be."

Bravo!

All right, Frank.

Really? I mean, you’re not just saying that?

-Really, you were fantastic. -It wasn’t too...

No, no.

As a matter of fact, I found the whole thing

-to be very moving. -Thanks, buddy.

Yeah, I’m even thinking of getting one of those myself.

About that conversation we had at the bar...

What conversation?

Good.

Frank: Very pretty in that one.

Hands, great hands.

Hey, Chad. Check this out, man.

Looks like a circus came into town early.

Hey, what kind of freak show are you guys putting on?

Hey, cool it guys, huh?

Dude, look at that one. That is the ugliest one I’ve ever seen.

I said cool it.

Whoa, no way.

You’re that dude on TV?

What, are you defending these freaks now?

I’m a bit of a freak myself.

That’s right.

You’re the man with the pussy.

-This is gonna get physical. -Physical?

There are three of us, and there’s only one of you.

-Two. -Three.

-Four. -Five.

Whatever.

Freaks.

-Thanks, Frank. -Thanks.

-We owe you one. -I owe you guys.

-Bah. -Yeah.

Come in.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Hey, kiddo.

So, first real date, huh?

First official date.

Right, official date, of course.

Yeah, been on a bunch of unofficial dates.

-Of course you have. Listen, kiddo. -Yeah?

-Let’s have a little talk. -About what--no, Dad.

I already know this stuff.

I looked it up on how to be pleased without being diseased.com.

Oh.

Okay. Great.

So no other questions?

Well, now that you mention it,

I do have one question.

What is it, son?

-Dad, it’s kind of a tough one. -It’s all right.

All right.

Why do you have a camel toe?

Ah, made you look.

-Uh, that’s a good one. -Yeah.

So listen,

there’s a little something you might not have seen online.

A secret weapon

guaranteed to render the chicks helpless.

No, whoa, whoa, easy.

It is very potent.

-Frankie, Jessie’s here. -Coming.

You look really beautiful tonight, Jessie.

Thank you.

And there’s my Frankie all dressed up.

Hi, Jessie. You look awesome.

You too.

Okay, let me a get a picture of you guys.

Let’s go, kids. Dad’s getting antsy.

Hey. Oh, sweetie,

have fun tonight.

Be good, Frankie.

I’ll try, Dad.

Well...

...I’ll head home and get some dinner.

Um, you know, Frank,

I haven’t eaten yet,

and I have plenty of food.

Mitchell: Are you sure about this?

Couldn’t this push back the chances of us getting our operation?

We already waited this long.

It’s not gonna kill us to wait a little bit longer.

Yes?

Excuse me, do you have an appointment?

-No. -Oops.

Are you out of your mind?

Maybe.

Listen up, jerkoff,

I wanna talk to you about Frank Baum.

He has a family, and friends,

and a life he should get back to.

So why don’t you cut your bullshit and help the man?

This is absurd. You are absurd.

You are all absurd.

Hi.

Not my Liza.

You know, Doc,

you don’t have one picture of anybody in your family

or a friend in here.

Maybe you don’t have any.

maybe you don’t deserve any.

But Frank Baum is my friend.

Our friend.

You know,

we asked to go through this. He didn’t.

So why don’t you help the man get back to his life?

It’d be a nice thing to do.

And sometimes, Doc,

it just feels good to do something nice.

You should try it sometime.

Come on, Mitchell. Let’s go.

Woman: ♪ I don’t want spend... ♪

Oh, Frank.

Seeing them tonight,

I kept thinking of you and me

way back on our first dance.

I know.

He’s growing up so fast.

Seems like every time I turn around,

I’m missing something in his life.

That’s easy to fix.

Don’t turn around.

You know, this whole...

screwup.

It’s like I see everything clearly now.

I look at myself and I say,

"What the hell was I thinking?"

I should’ve been focused on you and Frankie.

How’d you put up with me?

That’s a good question.

Uh... yeah.

Thanks for dinner. I should head back.

Um, Frank...

you look tired.

And I think maybe you should stay the night.

Oh, Diane, no way. No.

I couldn’t--I can’t--

you know, I mean,

we couldn’t, you know...

No, I know.

Although, you know I can’t resist that cologne.

-Hello? -Frank.

-Dr. Weller. -Yes?

I have some news I think is going to make you

and your friends very happy.

Hey, Shane.

I want you to pull some footage for me

and shoot my new promo.

Oh, sure, but that has to be cleared by promotions and the...

Sure. Sure.

Do you have to clear it when you help out your Uncle Frank?

Oh, he’s not my uncle. He’s my friend.

Yeah, whatever that is all about.

-Huh? -I just wonder why

a young up-and-comer like you

would lasso yourself to that guy’s star.

He’s old, he’s a freak,

and he’s on his way out.

Okay, listen, Biff Baxter,

or whatever your real name is,

I really hate to do this but...

you are a butthole.

Hey, hey.

Shane, watch your language there, buddy.

Well, he had it coming to him, Frank.

What has you rattling cages, Biff?

Dude, all I’m saying is your lame reports

are gonna cost the station the ratings bump.

I got it.

I’d love to stay and debate you,

but Shane and I have practice.

Oh, yeah, that charity challenge bullshit.

Bullshit?

Yeah.

A bunch of middle-aged men and him.

I could beat you guys single-handed, blindfolded.

But the rules state I got to have nine on a team.

Is that a challenge?

Me and my friends are in.

How do I know you’ve got what it takes?

-Five Gs? -Eight friends.

Oh.

Are we on?

You win, I leave Channel 7.

I win,

it’s bye-bye, Biffy.

Pack your bags, Pops.

Frank, what if we lose?

Shut up, Shane.

Johnny: So, now that Frank was gonna get his junk back,

we just had to help him get his job back.

Frank, are these guys gonna show up

or are we gonna win by forfeit?

I don’t know.

Look.

Oh, my God. Look at them, they’re like pros.

What can I do, Frank? What can I do?

You can act like a man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, Don Corleone.

Let’s play ball.

We are down to...

what is going to be one heck of a game.

Strike three! You’re out!

Two. That’s two.

Henry Ott?

Henry Ott.

We need you to get on base.

Right. You want me to bunt or swing away?

Yeah, we need you to take one for the team.

What does that mean?

Lean over the plate. Let the pitch hit you.

What? Won’t that hurt?

Take it like a man.

Come on.

Nice. Get ’em.

Come on. Team!

Umpire: Safe!

You’re awesome, sweetheart.

Biff: Frank.

Keep in touch, little man.

-Congrats, Frank. -Good game, Frank.

All right, guys.

Hey, buddy, for your surgery tomorrow,

promise me you won’t get in the wrong operating room this time.

What could possibly go wrong?

Oh.

Let’s go home, huh?

Nurse: Okay, Frank.

Now count backwards from a hundred.

Ninety-nine,

ninety-eight,

ninety-seven,

ninety-six...

...two...

So everybody lived happily ever after.

Frank got his settlement from the hospital

and he even wrote a number one best seller,

The Vagina Man.

Michelle--I mean, Mitchell,

ended up getting married

to Frank’s ex-girlfriend, Trinnie.

-Man: Hurry up, Johnny. -Coming.

Spud: Bourne Identity is coming on.

This is my favorite Matt Damon film.

He sure is a pretty man.

Very.

-Matt Damon. -Matt Damon.

Peanuts!

Oh! I just love peanuts!

Oh!

Peanuts.

Please, let me buy peanuts for everybody.

Hey, peanut man. Whoa, peanut man.

-Well. -Awesome.

Okay, how many do we need? Peanuts?

Thanks, Trinnie. But I can’t have any.

-Diane? -Maybe later.

-Oh. -I guess I’ll take a bag.

I already have nuts.

Oh, well.

I like a man who thinks ahead.

Okay, so let’s see.

Henry was a no.

Diane was a no.

Frankie was a yes.

And Travis has his own. So that’s...

Well, that’s one,

and I’ll have four.

So, that’s...

five bags of peanuts, please.

One, two...

oh, three, four--

oh, here you go.

-Okay. How much is this? -That’ll be $10, ma’am.

All right. All right.

Oh, thanks, ma’am, but do you have cash?

Oh, well. Okay.

-Well, thank you, ma’am. -Oh, thank you.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I wanna give you something.

All right. I appreciate that.

-Oh, you are too kind. -Thank you very much.

Cheap-ass bitch.

I just love peanuts.

I always have.

I should tell my daddy that I want him to buy me

a big old peanut ranch.

Oh!

But do you know,

I do not know why they call it peanut butter.

You cannot cook with it, believe me.

I have tried.