All language subtitles for S10E06 Star Mitzvah (HD)

Here we are.

File A, Slide Sheet 1, Image 1
of subject, Frederick G. Crane.

Mom...

Here you are just an hour

after being wrestled
from my grudging womb.

Gross.

You know, if you like,

there's still time to include this
in your bar mitzvah video.

Thanks, but I just wanna get
through this thing

with as little humiliation as possible.

Oh, look at this, your hospital cap.

The very combed cotton
that swaddled your little... Oh.

Are you okay?

Of course I am.

It's only natural that there should be
some emotional upheaval

caused by the impending shift
in our relationship.

I knew it would come.
I just wasn't expecting a roller coaster.

All done.

Is this your guest list?

Oh, I didn't realise you wanted
to invite so many friends.

I don't even know
some of these people.

And why are you inviting
Jeremy Berman?

I thought you told me
he's the biggest nerd in your class.

He's not so bad.

Besides, the more people you invite,
the more presents you get.

Frederick,
a bar mitzvah is a rite of passage,

not an opportunity
for you to collect presents.

I'm sorry. You're right.

I'll try to trim it down.

- Hey, doc.
- Kenny.

I can't tell you how touched I am that
Freddie invited me to his bar mitzvah.

- He did?
- Yeah.

What a great kid.
That's your son, right?

Yes.

- I wasn't aware that you two had met.
- We haven't.

I guess he's probably heard
his share of Kenny stories.

Oh, ha, ha, yeah.

From whom?

You sly kidder.

Well, it sounds like a hoot,

but if I don't find someone
to drive with me to Boston

and share a tent on the way,
I probably won't be able to afford to go.

Hmm.

Fun drive, I bet.

Mm.

I guess I can send him something.

I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny.

Hey, Dr. Crane. Mazel tov.

Ha, ha. Yeah.

- Hey, Frasier.
- Hi, Roz.

Freddie's so sweet.

He sent me an invitation
to his bar mitzvah.

Yes. Apparently, the people
of Washington State

have made quite an impression
on him.

Can you believe
Freddie is 13 years old already?

I can hardly think about it
without choking up. Hmm.

This is my son, Roz.

The little bald candy man that used
to fit right here in the crook of my arm.

Little bald candy man.

That's adorable.

I had a boyfriend who called his...

Is it weird to have a son brought up
in a different religion from yours?

Not at all, Roz.

It's a faith that espouses love,
compassion, duty, education and art.

All values which I cherish.

And though I've played
a relatively small role

in his spiritual development,
he has honoured me

by asking that I say a few words.

And in the spirit of the occasion,
I'm gonna try to learn it in Hebrew.

- Hi, Dr. Crane.
- Hi, Noel.

Hi, Roz.

You've never worn that sweater
on a Tuesday before.

I've asked you to take your hands out
of your pockets when you talk to me.

So I don't think
I can make the bar mitzvah.

Great.

I mean that sarcastically,
of course, Noel.

Great. You're not coming.

Terrific.

Yeah, sorry.

Did I overhear you say
you wanna learn Hebrew?

Not learn it.
I'm saving that pleasure for retirement.

But I have composed a speech,
and I'd like to say it in Hebrew.

Well, I can translate it and teach you
how to say it, if you want.

You can? Really?

Oh, Noel, thank you.

Well, of course, I'll expect a little
something quid pro quo.

- Certainly. Whatever you like.
- Great.

The Seattle Star Trek Convention
is this weekend,

and all the Enterprise captains
are making an appearance.

I need Scott Bakula's autograph
to make my collection complete.

Noel, isn't this something
you could do yourself?

I would,

but William Shatner's restraining order
against me is still in effect.

It's so stupid.
It wasn't even a real phaser.

Noel, don't you have any friends
that could do this for you?

Trust me,

there are no friends
in the world of Star Trek autography.

- I see. Well, consider it done.
- Oh!

Thank you so much.

Now, be sure to keep it
in this acid-free covering

until the actual signing.

And if you must handle it,
use these cotton gloves.

Okay.

You'll be the hit of the bar mitzvah,
I promise.

Don't be surprised if you get caught up
in all the fun of the convention too.

Yeah, I'll try to pace myself.

Thanks again, Dr. Crane.

Noel.

- How did you know I would do it?
- What do you mean?

You must have known
I would do this for you,

or you wouldn't be carrying around
a picture of Scott Bakula, right?

Right.

- Hey, Niles, think fast.
- Wha...? Oh!

- Dad.
- What is that?

My good old Schmeerblad VII-XK.

The blindingest, noisiest,
15-pound camera ever produced

in the former Soviet Union.

Can you believe it?

Somehow, it got buried
deep down in storage,

but Eddie and I found it
just in time for the bar mitzvah.

What smells like burning plastic?

Oh, that means
the flash unit's working.

I thought the retina-scorching flash
meant that the flash unit was working.

Not always.

I still remember the night
of my junior prom. Ugh.

Dad wanted to get a nice close-up
of me and Margaret Couver.

Unfortunately,
he got a little too close

and the heat from the flash
seared the gold plating

off Margaret's necklace
onto her skin.

You never mentioned
Margaret Couver before.

I didn't? Margaret Couver.

Petite, brunette, gilded.

Dear God, the old flash-and-whine.

Yes. Dad found it.

Yeah, good thing too.
Hasn't failed me yet.

Oh, well,
except for that one Thanksgiving

when the flash
washed Lilith out so bad,

all you could see
were her hair and eyes.

That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad.

Her bloodless skin has confounded

even the most experienced
photographer.

Daph, you know where the tripod is?
I need it for group shots.

I think it's in the back of your closet.
Come on, I'll help you look for it.

- Sherry, Frasier?
- Please, Niles.

- I have good news.
- Hmm?

I have two tickets
to the Udo Fritzenheim show

at the museum tomorrow.

Not to mention, an invitation for lunch
with the artist afterwards.

Oh, are you serious?
Niles, lunch with a Dada master.

Oh, I'd love to come.

But I can't. I have other plans.

I promised Noel Shempsky
that I'd do a favour for him,

and I've got to remain true
to my word.

Although, perhaps
I could go to the show,

leave the luncheon early,
and still fulfil my commitment.

- Yes, of course you could.
- Yeah, you're right.

- There.
- Ha-ha-ha. Mm.

You know, it was at
a Fritzenheim show in Boston

where Freddie first said
the word "Dada."

Heh-heh-heh. I remember swelling
with pride, thinking that perhaps

he was an art-history savant.

But, of course,
Lilith deflated my enthusiasm

by pointing out that he was probably
just referring to me.

Fras, good news. Found the tripod.

Oh.

Splendid.

It's tough
to watch your kids grow up.

Well, he's still just a boy.
He's only 13.

Yeah. It goes fast.

How's Lilith taking it?

Well, I suppose
it's a bittersweet experience for her.

I can't really say for sure.

She's always been guarded
with her emotions.

Not always, Frasier.
I've seen her get quite emotional.

I'm sure you have,
Mr. Been-There-Done-That.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

- What are you hiding?
- Oh...

Um, some years ago...

In a complete drunken stupor...

- Totally stinko.
- Yes, yes.

I had an unplanned,
and instantly regretted,

night of amore with Lilith.

- A one-nighter?
- Of amore.

- Lilith?
- Well, it was after Maris.

And it was long before you.

In fact, it's pretty funny
when you think about it.

- And remember, I was drunk.
- Well, you'd have to be, wouldn't you?

Oh, sorry, Frasier.

No, no, drinking
definitely took the edge off.

And when were you planning
on sharing

this interesting bit of information
with me?

Soon. Very soon.

Never.

Well, what's done is done.

I suppose we've all had
our romantic missteps.

But just to be clear,

are there any more secret sweethearts
who I see on a regular basis?

Oh, no. Nobody.

Nobody?

Nobody.

I certainly
wouldn't count Annamarie Hanratty

at the Natural History Museum.

Frasier?

I said I wouldn't count her.
I mean, they just made out.

It was for charity.
It doesn't really matter.

I mean, the woman
makes out with everyone.

So see, she's not really
the kind of person that you'd...

- Hi, Dr. Crane.
- Oh, hi, Noel.

Ready for yeshiva tomorrow?
That means school.

Yes, indeed, I am.
I'm looking forward to it.

Uh, listen, Noel,
I'm afraid I have some very bad news

about the science-fiction convention.

Uh-oh.

Long story short,
you see, I attended an art opening

and a luncheon on Saturday,
and though I left the luncheon early,

the traffic on the way
to the convention was just awful,

and by the time I got there, Mr. Bakula
and all the others had gone.

You made a promise,
and you welshed on it.

Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?

It's not really such a big deal,
is it, Noel?

It's a huge deal.

Who knows when I'll get to see
Scott Bakula again?

- I'll be the laughing stock of my clan.
- Noel, try to remem...

Clan?

No, never mind, never mind.

Noel, surely you realise
that Star Trek is just a TV show.

So was Brideshead Revisited.

You're angry.

So I'm going to ignore that.

But with all due respect, Noel,

perhaps weaning yourself
off science fiction

might be the first step
toward achieving

a genuine, meaningful,
grown-up person's life.

Just a friendly suggestion.

You're right. Ha.

You did your best
and that's good enough for me.

Thank you, Noel.

So you'll still be my tutor?

Sure.

Good man. Thanks, Noel.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow.

And by the rings of Septaurus Five,
you will pay, Dr. Crane.

You... Oh, hi, Kenny.

will pay.

Okay, Eddie, hit the talk button.

And you are listening
to the Best of Crane on KACL.

We'll be back after these messages.

Well, well, the fox and the hound
working together.

How ironic.

I'm just taking care of him
until Frasier gets back from Boston.

By the way, he left you something.

- He did?
- Yeah.

Whoa, a wig?

That's cruel, even for Frasier.

Cruel?

It's only the wig Joan Collins wore
in Star Trek 28:

"City on the Edge of Forever."

It's probably still got her DNA in it.

"Dear Noel, I hope this begins
to repay you"

for your great kindness to me,
especially in light of my negligence.

"Your friend, Frasier Crane."

He called me friend?

That's really sweet of him.

I've gotta call him
before he delivers his speech.

You taught him
dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you?

Not quite. They're the same words,
but they're in Klingon.

From Star Trek?
That's not even real.

It's the fastest-growing language
on the planet.

This is what you people
don't understand.

A man named
Gene Roddenberry had a vision.

Call him.

Amen.

That was a beautiful
passage and a wonderful reading.

You honor us all by including...

Oh. Sorry.

You honor us all by including us
in this important occasion.

But you have chosen
to specially honor your parents,

Lilith and Frasier, by asking them
to conclude this ceremony.

Lilith?

Thank you... Aah.

Excuse me.

Would the photographer please refrain
from taking any more pictures

until after the ceremony is over?

Sorry, Rabbi.

Thank you.

I am very proud to participate
in the coming-of-age ritual

of my son, Frederick Gaylord Crane.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh.

Frederick,
on this momentous occasion,

I can only look at you and see
that innocent chubby-legged toddler

who once danced naked
at the Boston Pops.

The little boy whose favourite meal
was "bisketti."

I can't count the number of bedtimes
we spent cuddled together

reading The Cat In The Hat.

The sun did not shine
it was too wet to play.

So we sat in the house
On that cold, cold wet day.

Don't grow up. Not yet.

Nice girlfriend you've got there.

Oh, not yet. Not yet.

If you're trying to embarrass me,
it's not going to work.

Come here,
Daddy's little peanut man.

It's gonna be all right.

We will conclude with a blessing
from Frederick's father, Frasier,

who, though not of our faith,

has chosen to follow his son's
fine example, and deliver it in Hebrew.

Thank you.

- I'll keep this short.
- Thanks, Dad.

Oh, that was lovely.

What was that gobbledegook?

Well, it's a blessing for my son.

- That means nothing. It's gibberish.
- What?

That's not gibberish. It's Klingon.

What?

Oh, dear God.

Freddie's dad
just blessed him in Klingon.

I'm terribly sorry.

I...

Will you excuse me, please?

It's better to end
with laughter than tears.

I don't know how they say it
in outer space, but here we say:

Love and peace.

Dinner will be served in
the multi-purpose room in 20 minutes.

Hey, that was awesome, Gaylord.

Shut up, Berman.

Seriously,
your dad's Klingon is really good.

What did he say?

Well, roughly translated, it says:

"My dearest son.
Each day you redeem me."

May your journey be filled
with the same joy,

"wisdom and purpose
you have given mine."

It's a lot more beautiful
in the original Klingon.

But it's still really cool.

Which one of us do you suppose
humiliated him more?

Oh, I think I did.

But I've been trying to console myself
with the idea

that without embarrassing parents,
there'd be no psychology.

Poor kid.

Actually, today, he is a man.

- He is, isn't he?
- Mm.

Mazel tov.

You must be very proud.
Of your son, not yourselves.

We are. Thank you, Rabbi.

Frederick, uh, listen,
I wanna apologise.

There was this guy at the radio station,
he was gonna teach me Hebrew...

You don't have to explain it, Dad.

Really?
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

Berman translated
your speech for me.

It was pretty good.

- So you liked it?
- Yeah.

I don't want to get all mushy
or anything.

I'm a little old for that now,
but, you know...

Yeah, I know. Ha-ha-ha.

Can you forgive me?

Yeah, for everything
but naming me Gaylord.

That was lovely.

Hey, everybody, look this way.

Oh, no. No. Ugh.