Original subtitles

Here we are.

File A, Slide Sheet 1, Image 1 of subject, Frederick G. Crane.

Mom...

Here you are just an hour

after being wrestled from my grudging womb.

Gross.

You know, if you like,

there's still time to include this in your bar mitzvah video.

Thanks, but I just wanna get through this thing

with as little humiliation as possible.

Oh, look at this, your hospital cap.

The very combed cotton that swaddled your little... Oh.

Are you okay?

Of course I am.

It's only natural that there should be some emotional upheaval

caused by the impending shift in our relationship.

I knew it would come. I just wasn't expecting a roller coaster.

All done.

Is this your guest list?

Oh, I didn't realise you wanted to invite so many friends.

I don't even know some of these people.

And why are you inviting Jeremy Berman?

I thought you told me he's the biggest nerd in your class.

He's not so bad.

Besides, the more people you invite, the more presents you get.

Frederick, a bar mitzvah is a rite of passage,

not an opportunity for you to collect presents.

I'm sorry. You're right.

I'll try to trim it down.

- Hey, doc. - Kenny.

I can't tell you how touched I am that Freddie invited me to his bar mitzvah.

- He did? - Yeah.

What a great kid. That's your son, right?

Yes.

- I wasn't aware that you two had met. - We haven't.

I guess he's probably heard his share of Kenny stories.

Oh, ha, ha, yeah.

From whom?

You sly kidder.

Well, it sounds like a hoot,

but if I don't find someone to drive with me to Boston

and share a tent on the way, I probably won't be able to afford to go.

Hmm.

Fun drive, I bet.

Mm.

I guess I can send him something.

I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny.

Hey, Dr. Crane. Mazel tov.

Ha, ha. Yeah.

- Hey, Frasier. - Hi, Roz.

Freddie's so sweet.

He sent me an invitation to his bar mitzvah.

Yes. Apparently, the people of Washington State

have made quite an impression on him.

Can you believe Freddie is 13 years old already?

I can hardly think about it without choking up. Hmm.

This is my son, Roz.

The little bald candy man that used to fit right here in the crook of my arm.

Little bald candy man.

That's adorable.

I had a boyfriend who called his...

Is it weird to have a son brought up in a different religion from yours?

Not at all, Roz.

It's a faith that espouses love, compassion, duty, education and art.

All values which I cherish.

And though I've played a relatively small role

in his spiritual development, he has honoured me

by asking that I say a few words.

And in the spirit of the occasion, I'm gonna try to learn it in Hebrew.

- Hi, Dr. Crane. - Hi, Noel.

Hi, Roz.

You've never worn that sweater on a Tuesday before.

I've asked you to take your hands out of your pockets when you talk to me.

So I don't think I can make the bar mitzvah.

Great.

I mean that sarcastically, of course, Noel.

Great. You're not coming.

Terrific.

Yeah, sorry.

Did I overhear you say you wanna learn Hebrew?

Not learn it. I'm saving that pleasure for retirement.

But I have composed a speech, and I'd like to say it in Hebrew.

Well, I can translate it and teach you how to say it, if you want.

You can? Really?

Oh, Noel, thank you.

Well, of course, I'll expect a little something quid pro quo.

- Certainly. Whatever you like. - Great.

The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend,

and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance.

I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.

Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?

I would,

but William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect.

It's so stupid. It wasn't even a real phaser.

Noel, don't you have any friends that could do this for you?

Trust me,

there are no friends in the world of Star Trek autography.

- I see. Well, consider it done. - Oh!

Thank you so much.

Now, be sure to keep it in this acid-free covering

until the actual signing.

And if you must handle it, use these cotton gloves.

Okay.

You'll be the hit of the bar mitzvah, I promise.

Don't be surprised if you get caught up in all the fun of the convention too.

Yeah, I'll try to pace myself.

Thanks again, Dr. Crane.

Noel.

- How did you know I would do it? - What do you mean?

You must have known I would do this for you,

or you wouldn't be carrying around a picture of Scott Bakula, right?

Right.

- Hey, Niles, think fast. - Wha...? Oh!

- Dad. - What is that?

My good old Schmeerblad VII-XK.

The blindingest, noisiest, 15-pound camera ever produced

in the former Soviet Union.

Can you believe it?

Somehow, it got buried deep down in storage,

but Eddie and I found it just in time for the bar mitzvah.

What smells like burning plastic?

Oh, that means the flash unit's working.

I thought the retina-scorching flash meant that the flash unit was working.

Not always.

I still remember the night of my junior prom. Ugh.

Dad wanted to get a nice close-up of me and Margaret Couver.

Unfortunately, he got a little too close

and the heat from the flash seared the gold plating

off Margaret's necklace onto her skin.

You never mentioned Margaret Couver before.

I didn't? Margaret Couver.

Petite, brunette, gilded.

Dear God, the old flash-and-whine.

Yes. Dad found it.

Yeah, good thing too. Hasn't failed me yet.

Oh, well, except for that one Thanksgiving

when the flash washed Lilith out so bad,

all you could see were her hair and eyes.

That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad.

Her bloodless skin has confounded

even the most experienced photographer.

Daph, you know where the tripod is? I need it for group shots.

I think it's in the back of your closet. Come on, I'll help you look for it.

- Sherry, Frasier? - Please, Niles.

- I have good news. - Hmm?

I have two tickets to the Udo Fritzenheim show

at the museum tomorrow.

Not to mention, an invitation for lunch with the artist afterwards.

Oh, are you serious? Niles, lunch with a Dada master.

Oh, I'd love to come.

But I can't. I have other plans.

I promised Noel Shempsky that I'd do a favour for him,

and I've got to remain true to my word.

Although, perhaps I could go to the show,

leave the luncheon early, and still fulfil my commitment.

- Yes, of course you could. - Yeah, you're right.

- There. - Ha-ha-ha. Mm.

You know, it was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston

where Freddie first said the word "Dada."

Heh-heh-heh. I remember swelling with pride, thinking that perhaps

he was an art-history savant.

But, of course, Lilith deflated my enthusiasm

by pointing out that he was probably just referring to me.

Fras, good news. Found the tripod.

Oh.

Splendid.

It's tough to watch your kids grow up.

Well, he's still just a boy. He's only 13.

Yeah. It goes fast.

How's Lilith taking it?

Well, I suppose it's a bittersweet experience for her.

I can't really say for sure.

She's always been guarded with her emotions.

Not always, Frasier. I've seen her get quite emotional.

I'm sure you have, Mr. Been-There-Done-That.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

- What are you hiding? - Oh...

Um, some years ago...

In a complete drunken stupor...

- Totally stinko. - Yes, yes.

I had an unplanned, and instantly regretted,

night of amore with Lilith.

- A one-nighter? - Of amore.

- Lilith? - Well, it was after Maris.

And it was long before you.

In fact, it's pretty funny when you think about it.

- And remember, I was drunk. - Well, you'd have to be, wouldn't you?

Oh, sorry, Frasier.

No, no, drinking definitely took the edge off.

And when were you planning on sharing

this interesting bit of information with me?

Soon. Very soon.

Never.

Well, what's done is done.

I suppose we've all had our romantic missteps.

But just to be clear,

are there any more secret sweethearts who I see on a regular basis?

Oh, no. Nobody.

Nobody?

Nobody.

I certainly wouldn't count Annamarie Hanratty

at the Natural History Museum.

Frasier?

I said I wouldn't count her. I mean, they just made out.

It was for charity. It doesn't really matter.

I mean, the woman makes out with everyone.

So see, she's not really the kind of person that you'd...

- Hi, Dr. Crane. - Oh, hi, Noel.

Ready for yeshiva tomorrow? That means school.

Yes, indeed, I am. I'm looking forward to it.

Uh, listen, Noel, I'm afraid I have some very bad news

about the science-fiction convention.

Uh-oh.

Long story short, you see, I attended an art opening

and a luncheon on Saturday, and though I left the luncheon early,

the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful,

and by the time I got there, Mr. Bakula and all the others had gone.

You made a promise, and you welshed on it.

Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?

It's not really such a big deal, is it, Noel?

It's a huge deal.

Who knows when I'll get to see Scott Bakula again?

- I'll be the laughing stock of my clan. - Noel, try to remem...

Clan?

No, never mind, never mind.

Noel, surely you realise that Star Trek is just a TV show.

So was Brideshead Revisited.

You're angry.

So I'm going to ignore that.

But with all due respect, Noel,

perhaps weaning yourself off science fiction

might be the first step toward achieving

a genuine, meaningful, grown-up person's life.

Just a friendly suggestion.

You're right. Ha.

You did your best and that's good enough for me.

Thank you, Noel.

So you'll still be my tutor?

Sure.

Good man. Thanks, Noel.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow.

And by the rings of Septaurus Five, you will pay, Dr. Crane.

You... Oh, hi, Kenny.

will pay.

Okay, Eddie, hit the talk button.

And you are listening to the Best of Crane on KACL.

We'll be back after these messages.

Well, well, the fox and the hound working together.

How ironic.

I'm just taking care of him until Frasier gets back from Boston.

By the way, he left you something.

- He did? - Yeah.

Whoa, a wig?

That's cruel, even for Frasier.

Cruel?

It's only the wig Joan Collins wore in Star Trek 28:

"City on the Edge of Forever."

It's probably still got her DNA in it.

"Dear Noel, I hope this begins to repay you"

for your great kindness to me, especially in light of my negligence.

"Your friend, Frasier Crane."

He called me friend?

That's really sweet of him.

I've gotta call him before he delivers his speech.

You taught him dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you?

Not quite. They're the same words, but they're in Klingon.

From Star Trek? That's not even real.

It's the fastest-growing language on the planet.

This is what you people don't understand.

A man named Gene Roddenberry had a vision.

Call him.

Amen.

That was a beautiful passage and a wonderful reading.

You honor us all by including...

Oh. Sorry.

You honor us all by including us in this important occasion.

But you have chosen to specially honor your parents,

Lilith and Frasier, by asking them to conclude this ceremony.

Lilith?

Thank you... Aah.

Excuse me.

Would the photographer please refrain from taking any more pictures

until after the ceremony is over?

Sorry, Rabbi.

Thank you.

I am very proud to participate in the coming-of-age ritual

of my son, Frederick Gaylord Crane.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh.

Frederick, on this momentous occasion,

I can only look at you and see that innocent chubby-legged toddler

who once danced naked at the Boston Pops.

The little boy whose favourite meal was "bisketti."

I can't count the number of bedtimes we spent cuddled together

reading The Cat In The Hat.

The sun did not shine it was too wet to play.

So we sat in the house On that cold, cold wet day.

Don't grow up. Not yet.

Nice girlfriend you've got there.

Oh, not yet. Not yet.

If you're trying to embarrass me, it's not going to work.

Come here, Daddy's little peanut man.

It's gonna be all right.

We will conclude with a blessing from Frederick's father, Frasier,

who, though not of our faith,

has chosen to follow his son's fine example, and deliver it in Hebrew.

Thank you.

- I'll keep this short. - Thanks, Dad.

Oh, that was lovely.

What was that gobbledegook?

Well, it's a blessing for my son.

- That means nothing. It's gibberish. - What?

That's not gibberish. It's Klingon.

What?

Oh, dear God.

Freddie's dad just blessed him in Klingon.

I'm terribly sorry.

I...

Will you excuse me, please?

It's better to end with laughter than tears.

I don't know how they say it in outer space, but here we say:

Love and peace.

Dinner will be served in the multi-purpose room in 20 minutes.

Hey, that was awesome, Gaylord.

Shut up, Berman.

Seriously, your dad's Klingon is really good.

What did he say?

Well, roughly translated, it says:

"My dearest son. Each day you redeem me."

May your journey be filled with the same joy,

"wisdom and purpose you have given mine."

It's a lot more beautiful in the original Klingon.

But it's still really cool.

Which one of us do you suppose humiliated him more?

Oh, I think I did.

But I've been trying to console myself with the idea

that without embarrassing parents, there'd be no psychology.

Poor kid.

Actually, today, he is a man.

- He is, isn't he? - Mm.

Mazel tov.

You must be very proud. Of your son, not yourselves.

We are. Thank you, Rabbi.

Frederick, uh, listen, I wanna apologise.

There was this guy at the radio station, he was gonna teach me Hebrew...

You don't have to explain it, Dad.

Really? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.

Berman translated your speech for me.

It was pretty good.

- So you liked it? - Yeah.

I don't want to get all mushy or anything.

I'm a little old for that now, but, you know...

Yeah, I know. Ha-ha-ha.

Can you forgive me?

Yeah, for everything but naming me Gaylord.

That was lovely.

Hey, everybody, look this way.

Oh, no. No. Ugh.