All language subtitles for S10E05 Tales from the Crypt (HD)

Roz, Roz...

Hey, hey, hey, cool.

Roz, you just missed
the classic prank of all time.

I'll admit it. This was my masterpiece.

- Oh, who? Who'd you get?
- Okay.

- Way to go, Bulldog.

- There he is.
- Hey, Kenny.

I got this friend
down at the impound lot

who came across
a smashed up BMW.

Same make and model as Frasier's.

You didn't. You got Frasier?

Yeah, I had his car towed
from the garage,

the wreck put in its place.

The doc totally freaked
when he saw it.

At first, he started swearing.

Then he implored the heavens.

And just when his lip
started trembling,

Bulldog comes out,
tells him it's all a prank.

Hey, Bulldog observes
the mercy rule.

Besides, I got the whole thing
on tape.

Admit it, doc. I got you good.

Come on, say it.

Bulldog's the best.

Okay, okay, how about the bitch dance
I taught you?

At least, give me one up high.
Come on.

Oh, come on,
don't leave me hanging, doc.

Where's your Halloween spirit?

Don't worry.
It'll be here waiting for you.

For the record,
I knew immediately it was not my car.

Mine has a bumper sticker on it
that says,

"I am pro-opera and I vote."

Frasier, you gotta admit,

it was clever.

I admit nothing.

That is the last we shall discuss of it.
We have a show to do.

Good afternoon, Seattle,

and welcome to the Halloween edition
of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show.

Today, we will be discussing
the topic of fears.

Are they irrational hindrances
or evolutionary tools? Hmm.

The surprising answer
after these words.

My car. Oh, not my car.

What did they do to you, my baby?

Whenever you're ready.

Did you find something?

Do you think
they'll take soy sauce packets?

- Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
- Mom. Shh.

- It's trick-or-treaters.
- It's okay, they're gone.

Well, why didn't you let them in?

Because someone forgot
to get Halloween candy.

Although someone else
could have picked it up

since she was already in the store.

Well, that would override
the duty list

that someone insisted
on implementing.

If this is what you two call a fight,
you're not fit to be married.

I once held your father's head under...

Shh.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

We haven't got any candy.
Shove off.

Great. Now they know we're here.

That is precisely
what's wrong with this country.

Everyone's afraid
to stand up to the children.

- Trick or treat.
- Didn't you hear?

We've got no candy.

We can offer you hotel soaps.

But it's Halloween.
I dress up, you give me candy.

That costume's
supposed to be scary?

No. Is yours?

Oh, a nice bite into an onion
is what that mouth of yours deserves.

If you don't have treats,
you're going to get a trick.

Do your worst. I'm not afraid of you.

Honestly.

Okay, well, maybe I'll go
get some candy after all.

Okay, I'm going to need my slicker
and my squash goggles.

Good morning, Roz. May I join you?

Sure, Frasier.

Well, I'm glad to see
you're not sulking today.

Yes, well, I've had a little time
to think about it,

and I've decided
to put Bulldog's prank behind me.

- That's very mature.
- I'm not finished.

By visiting upon him a prank
that is ten times more dastardly.

Look at this.

Looks like a car
with a balloon tied to it.

Precisely.

I will tie a red balloon
to the antenna of Bulldog's car

every time his precious Seahawks
lose a game.

Over time, the conditioned response
will become ingrained in his psyche.

Eventually, the mere sight
of a red balloon

will bring about in him
an inexplicable sense of loss.

Check and mate.

- Isn't that kind of out there?
- That's the point.

Well, of course, I could resort
to any of your basic pranks.

Hand in warm water and whatnot.

Believe me, I have
an intimate knowledge of all of them.

But what I'm looking for
is something unmistakably me.

A signature prank, if you will.

Why don't you just forget
about revenge

and give him his two minutes
in the sun?

- Oh, at my expense?
- Look at his life.

You guys used to be equals.

Now he's stuck downstairs
in that dark, musty archives room.

You must have some sympathy
for him, don't you?

Dark, musty archives.
I think I can use that.

- Hello, all.
- Hi.

Hello, Niles.

Why do we have to stop here?
I could make coffee at home.

Now, now,
it's good to get out of the house,

get some fresh air,
exercise those lungs.

My lungs are as strong as ever.

Just yesterday, I finished
a whole cigarette in two drags.

One off my record.

What's this?

I'm devising the ultimate prank
to get my revenge on Bulldog.

Ah, well, just beware the dangers
of juvenile one-upsmanship.

Only last night, Mrs. Moon
challenged a trick-or-treater,

and he responded
by pelting our door with eggs.

Yeah, but I got the little monster back

by putting a big, greasy glob
of Vaseline on his doorknob.

You said you'd put an end to it.

Hence, the Vaseline.

Mom, he's a child.

Well, it's time he learned
you don't mess with Gertrude Moon

without incurring my wrath.

Now excuse me, I require cocoa.

You know,
I think she has the right attitude.

If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone,

I got to show him he's dealing
with a superior intellect.

Show them the balloon car.

I'm sure Da Vinci's early notes
were full of laughs too.

Excuse me, I have devising to do.

That'll be 32.03.

For one drink?

Your grandson
ordered a bunch of cakes

and he said it was all on you.

Thanks for the treats, Grandma.

Hey.

Oh, let's see the little sod get to school
without these.

Oh, this should settle it.

Is anybody there?

Oh, zombies.

The living dead.

Help. Help.

Everyone hold, please.

Zombie Number 2,
what are you doing?

I'm scaring Bulldog?

I see.

Is that what zombies do?
They scare people?

- Um...
- Wrong.

They eat brains
and that's what scares people.

I know this is our dress rehearsal,
let's please try to get this right.

Bulldog comes in, he hears noises.

Zombies go after his brain,

and his terror is caught on videotape
for us all to enjoy at a later date.

Now, let's try this again.
First marks, please.

Oh, jeez, Fras,
this is the fourth time through.

- Can somebody else play Bulldog?
- You said you would help me with this.

You said we were gonna do
a practical joke.

- I thought it'd be fun.
- Whatever gave you that idea?

Todd, I am getting dead from you.

But I'm not getting undead.

Still.

Let's try this, then.

After rehearsal,
I want each of you to write a paragraph

detailing who your character was
when he or she was alive,

how they died, and why they are now
after Bulldog's brain.

Honestly, Roz, you haven't given me
much to work with.

These are the worst actors
I've ever seen.

Well, I'm sorry,
but the Royal Zombie Company

just left town with its all-zombie
production of Hamlet.

How many more times
are we gonna do this?

Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls
a practical joke, you all applaud him

as if he's won some sort
of bowl or cup or other sports dish?

But when I ask you to give up
a Sunday, all I get is complaints.

Because you keep turning it into work.
This is supposed to be fun.

Like a day at the beach.

Oh, you do this kind of thing
all the time.

- Like when?
- The last time we went to the beach.

A lot of people bring rakes.

Look, Frasier,
it's not too late to back out of this.

Now, face it,
jokes just aren't your speciality.

What's that mean?

Well, what she means, son, is that
we all have our different blessings.

And Bulldog's good at jokes and fun.

You're good at

reading and, uh, telling people
about the things you read.

Are you saying that
you think I can't pull this off?

Oh, I wouldn't put it that way.

I would.

But I worked this out to the last detail.
Nothing can go wrong.

Everything's gonna go wrong.

For one thing,
Bulldog's gonna know something's up

because Kenny
hardly makes him work at night.

And then look at all these cameras
and all these wires.

- What if he spots these?
- Yeah, and the zombies.

He sees them, he's gonna know it's
a prank, because he just pranked you.

And there
are no such things as zombies!

You, sir, are released.

And you as well.

I'll pull this thing off by myself,

proving you don't know
what you're talking about.

I don't need any of you.

Wait, zombies, I do need you.

But no one else.

I'll show all of you.

You mark my words.
Tomorrow night, I get my revenge.

Oh, good,
the effects machine's working again.

All right, everyone,
back to your first marks.

Where have you been?

I'm sorry,
I had a hard time finding this place.

I checked the directory for "Crane,"

but it had "Old Bat"
next to this apartment number.

A little obvious, but not bad.

I want you to deliver this
Baby-I-Have-to-Tinkle doll

to Jason White,
Floyd Middle School.

This is the address.

I mean, he should be
in Gym class about now.

I don't think I'm allowed
to just walk into his school.

Oh, it's okay. I'm his grandmother.

And you have to say this.

"Your mommy said bring this to you
at school to lift your spirits.

See? Your dolly has accidents too."

- You really want me to say that?
- Yes, and very loudly.

The poor thing's hard of hearing.

Yes.

Todd, take off that baseball cap.

You're undead, not uncouth.

All right, everyone,

step lively.

Look sharp.

It's almost showtime.

Now, give me a final room-tone check,
please, and take your marks.

Hi, Fras.

Oh. Hello.

Come to watch me fail, I suppose.

No, we just wanted to come join you.

Yeah, we're sorry about that stuff
we said yesterday.

Yeah, we came to see you
have your day.

It's long overdue.

Maybe I don't want you here.

- What do you mean?
- Abandoned me in my hour of need,

now you're here
to revel in my success.

Just like in Boswell's Life of Johnson.

- What?
- It was something I read.

I guess we deserve that.

Whatever the hell it means.

Come on, Frasier, we're sorry.

Just let us watch.

All right, apology accepted.

You may observe in silence.

Make yourselves comfortable

and prepare to witness a man
brought to the very edge of madness.

I think he's already there.

Mom, we're off to the symphony.

Haven't the Germans
punished us enough?

Oh.

Bloody hell.

Where did this come from?

Oh, you must have crossed someone.

Mother.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

We were just coming down the hall,
and we saw you open your door.

This is our trash can.

- What was it doing there?
- Jason, get back here.

It seems our children
have been feuding.

We're very embarrassed.

You're embarrassed?
Meet our daughter.

Hello.

- I have a lot of homework.
- Stay.

Jason, have you been fighting
with this woman?

Well, she broke my bike

and made me have to see
a counsellor at school.

- I think I left something in the kitchen.
- Stay.

I am an adult.
I can do anything I want.

No, while you're living under our roof,
you'll follow our rules.

You two should be ashamed
of yourselves.

What if someone got hurt?

- Good.
- Jason.

You are one second away from losing
your broadband connection.

Now, apologise and shake hands.

Pish.

What if I told you you couldn't smoke
your pipes in your room anymore?

I'm sorry. I'm...

Now you two
are gonna clean up this mess.

And, Jason, come straight home
when you're finished.

And this place better be spotless
by the time we get back.

I wish I was all grown up

and I wouldn't have
to follow their stupid rules.

Oh, nothing changes, trust me.

You know, my mom hates bugs.

She screams like a girl.

So does my son-in-law.

I know where we can find
some crickets.

No.

Now, we should do as we're told
and start cleaning up.

Okay.

That way they won't be expecting it.

This is so great, I can't wait.
I'm getting goose bumps.

Feel me, feel me.

Kenny, what was the condition
of my letting you watch?

There he is.

Cue creaking noise one.

Hello?

Who's there?

Cue creaking noise two.

Now let the horror begin.

Yes. How do you like that,
you big baby?

Get back.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Call 911! Call 911!

Oh, my God.

Don't worry about it, Kenny.
It's just a joke.

- What are you talking about?
- It's a fake gun.

- What?
- It's a fake gun.

What about the bullets?

It's a joke.

Bulldog found out
about Frasier's prank,

so we set him up.

That is awesome.
I can't believe he fell for it.

Come on, we gotta go tell Frasier
what's going on.

You guys go ahead.
I think I'm gonna stay here and puke.

Get out of here.

Stop, stop, it was all a joke.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

What's the big deal?
He was already a zombie.

Are you insane? Call an ambulance.

What's going on here?

Wave to the camera, Frasier.

What?

Got you again, all on tape.

Who's the king?

That isn't funny.
I could've had a heart attack.

Oh, sorry, Fras,
we just couldn't resist.

Well, at least nobody was hurt.

You bested me, Bulldog, again.

- Dr. Crane, I think I hurt my back.
- What?

Oh, my God!

- Someone call an ambulance.
- Where's the phone?

I've got it. Roz, get the first-aid kit
out of the closet.

- Okay, I'll get it.
- No, no, not the...

What the hell's going on down here?

Quiet, quiet, everybody.

Hello?

Yes, I'd like to report
the greatest practical joke ever!

You better send a fire truck,
because you guys just got burned.

- Wait, what?
- Hi, Roz.

You should see the look
on your faces.

This is truly a classic.

- This was all just a joke?
- Oh, awesome.

Nice work, doc.

Likewise, Bulldog.

Think I can get a copy of this
for my demo reel?

- Sure thing, Todd.
- Great.

You've come a long way
in a short time, young man.

Well, Frasier, I'm speechless.

You totally had us going.

I can't believe it.

Admit it, Roz,
can I pull off a practical joke or what?

I don't understand.
Did you guys work together?

No, Frasier set the whole thing up.

The other day after you two left,

I got to thinking maybe my joke
was aimed at the wrong target.

That's when Bulldog and I
joined forces.

But we joined forces with him
to get you.

That's exactly
what you were supposed to think.

Wow, Fras, I gotta give it to you.
This was brilliant.

Thank you, Dad.

What do you say
we all go upstairs and watch the tape?

Oh, you guys go ahead.

- Bulldog?
- Yeah?

Technically, I still owe you one.

Face it, doc, you will never win.

Good work, Noel.

That's why you had
to join forces with me.

Huh?

You're right.

All right.