Original subtitles

I, Daphne Moon,

do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband.

I promise you my fidelity and my support,

my laughter and my tears,

my constant friendship and my unending love,

as long as we both shall live.

I, Niles Crane,

do take thee, Daphne Moon, as my wife.

I vow to you my fidelity and my support,

my honor and my respect, my honesty and my protection.

You are my comfort, my joy and my one true love.

I will cherish you all the days of my life,

and treasure the journey that has brought us

to this most wonderful, perfect place.

For most folks, that's one too many free cocktails.

Am I right?

Seriously, do you have the rings?

Oh...

No. In our rush to get here, I completely forgot about them.

Does this mean we can't get married?

It would if we didn't offer

seven different wedding-band packages for you to choose from.

Now, depending on your budget,

we can offer you anything from the Be Steel My Heart...

That's genuine stainless right there.

To the Never Ending Love,

which can be returned for up to 90 days, no questions asked.

They do seem the nicest.

Damn, who could be calling at this hour?

Wow, you certainly don't see six-and-a-half carat gold every day.

- Hello? - Daphne, it's Roz.

Quick, turn on your TV. My building's on the news.

- What? - Some murder-suicide thing.

I'm gonna wave to you from my balcony.

- Darn, I'm not home. - Where are you?

You're not gonna believe this, but Niles and I flew to Reno,

and we're getting married right now.

- You are not! - I am so!

Apparently, it's some sort of dolphin emergency.

I should go. I'll tell you everything when we get back.

Okay, bye--

Ew.

- Sorry. - Okay.

You may exchange rings

as a symbol of the promises you've made here today.

By the power vested in me

by the State of Nevada, County of Washoe,

and the all-new Lucky Seven Resort and Casino,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Good luck.

Hey, don't forget to check out our topless buffet.

He never said, "You may kiss the bride."

You may kiss the bride.

Chop, chop, Dad. Let's get a move on.

Last time I was late for the farmer's market,

I got the worst of the squash blossoms.

Oh, whatever shall we serve the duchess?

- What? - I said I'm coming.

And it's not my fault I'm late, it's Daphne's.

I don't know where she is. I had make my own lunch.

Oh, dear Lord. Give it here.

Two bags of chips,

three pudding cups and a root beer.

- What's wrong with it? - A, this is not a lunch and, B,

I fail to see how it took you so long since you did not make anything,

but simply transferred smaller containers into a larger one, let's go.

- Oh, hi. - Hello, all.

Where have you been? I had to make my own lunch.

Oh...

- We've got some big news. - Yes. Um...

Maybe they should sit down.

What's going on?

Well, last night I told Niles

that I wanted to marry him right then and there.

Once I realized she was serious,

we rushed out into the night fully intending to.

But then we found out that in Washington

it takes three days to get a marriage license.

Thank goodness.

- Why? - Why?

If we had missed your wedding, well, it would've just killed me.

It would've?

Well, of course, it would.

Niles, we've been there through last ten tortured years of your courtship.

How could we not be hurt if we missed the wedding?

But surely you could understand

if someone were carried away by their emotions.

I'm just glad it turned out the way that it did,

because it would've just broken my heart.

Well, we didn't come here to break anyone's heart.

We came here to tell you that there's a wedding in three days.

- Isn't that big news? - Yes.

We're gonna have a, uh, simple ceremony at the courthouse.

That is just wonderful. And you know what?

By way of a celebration,

please allow me to treat us all to dinner at Coeur du Singe.

- How does that sound, huh? - That sounds wonderful.

- Martin. - How you doing?

Wanna go to the dog park? Oh, my God. You guys are here.

Well, I'm here too.

Um, we were talking about our wedding.

Good. I wanna hear all about it.

We're gonna have a small civil ceremony on Friday.

Aah... Huh?

Yes, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a rush to get to the farmer's market.

At this hour?

I hope you like listless radicchio.

Okay, what the hell? I thought you guys got married in Reno.

We did.

But as we were trying to tell Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane,

they told us how hurt they'd be if we got married without them.

Which in the moment failed to occur to us.

So to spare their feelings, we're having a fake wedding on Friday.

Well, that works for me, because Alice is still counting on being a flower girl.

- Of course. - Right.

So if you guys have two weddings, when's your anniversary gonna be?

I suppose to keep up appearances,

it'll have to be the second one, won't it?

Well, we could celebrate two anniversaries,

a public one and then a second, secret one just for us.

Oh, I like that. Heh.

Sort of sexy having an anniversary only the two of us know about.

Three of us.

I still can't believe we're married.

It's our one-day anniversary.

And we're the only ones who know.

You know, we should celebrate.

How about going to the dog park?

- That doesn't sound very romantic. - I'm not talking to you.

- Nervous? - Less than last time.

I guess it helps to have had a rehearsal.

That wasn't a rehearsal, it was the real thing.

This is just a touring-company performance.

Right.

It's a bloody miracle we're here in one piece,

what with the way you drive.

I'm better at it when someone's not screaming in my ear.

Well, in my day, people didn't drive so recklessly.

Do you know why?

Is it because you rode dinosaurs?

You should talk to your daughter.

When we get home, you're getting ice cream.

We're all here, Your Honor.

Why did we all have to be here just to pick up a bloody license?

Couldn't we have met at the church?

We aren't going to the church. We're getting married here.

You what?

We're having a civil ceremony.

Without a minister? Out of the question.

- Mum. - That's enough.

I am your mother, and I will not bear witness to a godless union.

Gertrude, I favour a church wedding too,

but this is their day, not ours.

Maybe we should just let them decide how it's gonna be.

If people got to decide things for themselves,

no one would go to church.

- If I may... - No, I'll handle this, Your Honor.

Mrs. Moon, you have my personal guarantee

that this will not be a godless union.

For if you truly believe

in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord,

then surely, are we not always in his presence?

No, he lives at the church.

All I'm asking is that you honor the wishes of an old woman

whose every child has been married by a minister,

or at least a prison chaplain.

Perhaps, given the depth of feeling here,

it would be best to wait.

Yes, well, I suppose we could find a church in reasonably short order.

I don't believe this.

If you're not going to get married now,

perhaps you could all take this out to the hall.

- I have a schedule to keep. - Roz, take me home.

- We'll call you when we clear this up. - Okay.

Let's go, Alice.

Congratulations.

When you're ready to have a proper wedding,

you know where to find me.

That we do.

On your fiery throne, presiding over the damned!

All right, let's go.

Where are we gonna find a clergyman on such short notice?

Maybe the judge knows somebody. Hang on a second, you guys.

Your Honor...

I'm sorry, Daphne. It'll just be a few days, and then we can be married.

We already are.

This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life.

I want to wear my wedding ring.

I'm Mrs. Niles Crane, and I don't want to keep it a secret.

- Do you wanna tell them the truth? - Too complicated.

Let's just get married again.

- The Wedding's on. - What about Mrs. Moon?

I'm sorry she'll miss it, but that's her choice.

We changed our minds. We want to be married.

All right, but we have to be quick about this. Are we ready to begin?

Yes.

Okay, let's do it. Daphne, please repeat after me.

Actually, we've written our own vows.

Of course you have.

I, Daphne Moon,

do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband.

I promise you my fidelity and my support,

My laughter and my tears...

You said you wouldn't do this.

I say a lot of things.

Oh, Frasier, thank you so much for dinner.

Yes, it was wonderful.

It was my pleasure.

Dad, don't you have something to add?

Well, I already said thank you for dinner.

What am I supposed to do, get down on my knees

and kowtow to your fancy-ass American Express card?

No.

I was referring to the gift we have for them.

Oh, right, I forgot about that.

Yeah, and thanks for dinner, Fras.

It really was excellent.

I didn't think I'd like beef cheeks.

Yes, yes, Dad, give them the gift.

This is so exciting. Our first wedding present.

- Oh, it's a silver picture frame. - Beautiful.

And, nota bene, it's been engraved with today's date

in order to commemorate your wedding day

until your real gift arrives.

Oh, it's very sweet.

Thank you, Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane.

Well, you can't call us that anymore.

We're family now.

So we are. Heh.

Well, thank you, Frasier.

Oh, that feels strange.

- And thank you, Martin. - Dad?

- Dad. - Or Martin.

Whatever makes you comfortable.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Crane.

Don't mention it.

Well, I have to go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon.

I'm just bringing sunscreen.

Pardon me.

I have to go poke out my mind's eye.

Ah, you're lucky.

I always wanted to go to Bora Bora.

It'll be fantastic, Dad.

We're staying in a thatched hut built out over the water.

In the middle of the floor there's a window

where you can look down at the bottom of the ocean.

Well, I hope it's not too deep.

When we went to the top of the Space Needle and you looked down,

- you got sick. - Dad...

All over that poor Japanese tour group.

- Dad. - When I yelled down to warn them,

they just looked up.

That was three years ago.

- Mrs. Moon. - Did you find a minister yet?

- I'm sorry, no. Actually... - Good, then I'm not too late.

- Too late for what? - Oh, Daphne.

When I got home this afternoon...

Well, I was opening a bottle of Scotch to have my tea,

and I began thinking.

I was married by a minister in a church,

and what's it got me?

Alone and unloved is what.

And likely because I've been such a rotten mother to you all these years.

- You haven't been rotten. - Oh, yes, I have.

On what should've been the happiest day of your life,

I thought of only myself.

I'm ashamed. I mean, I'm embarrassed.

And I apologise.

Oh, Mum.

Oh, my only solace is you aren't married yet,

because if I missed my baby's wedding,

I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Daphne,

Niles,

you get married anywhere you want to.

All that matters is that I'm there to share it with you.

Oh, of course, you'll be there.

We'll go right back to that courthouse tomorrow

and resume where we left off.

Oh, nothing could make me happier.

Ah, Mrs. Moon, I see you've made peace with the wedding.

Yes, Mrs. Moon has rescinded her ultimatum,

so we're having the wedding tomorrow.

Ah...

- Niles, may I have a word with you? - Mm-hm.

What the hell's going on? You guys already got married.

Yes, but she doesn't know that,

so tomorrow we're going to have another ceremony for her benefit.

- That's crazy. - It may be.

But I'm afraid the truth would crush her.

Oh, please, all the wine presses in Bordeaux

wouldn't crush that woman.

Niles, what you and Daphne shared today was utterly unique.

You think so?

Yes, it was a singular moment.

Anyone fooled by a repeat performance

would have to be a complete imbecile.

True.

But if it's what Daphne wants, I'll support her.

We'll get Roz back, we'll find a different judge,

and we'll just do it all over again.

And it'll be just as perfect as today's was.

Fine. But I'm not singing "Wonderful World" again.

Ah, maybe more perfect.

Remember how excited we were at our first wedding?

- Yeah, we were both shaking. - Yeah. Heh.

Hey, I noticed the first time,

you promised me your honesty and protection.

But not the second time.

No, because I vowed to always be true and to be your constant champion.

It's the same thing.

I suppose.

You liked it better the first way? Okay, we can go back to that.

Thanks.

You making any changes?

No, same old, same old.

- Where's Alice? - Oh, upset stomach.

On the way home yesterday

she snacked on the leftover petals in her basket.

So I'm sorry, but I won't be able to join you for dinner.

- We understand. - Explain it to me, then.

What sort of child eats roses? It isn't normal.

You could've stopped her, you know.

Not the way she was gnashing them up, I couldn't.

- Like a wood chipper, she was. - All right...

The incredible beaver baby.

We get it.

Oh, dear Lord. Is that Donny?

Everybody, look at your shoes.

Hey, Daph. Is that Daphne?

- Donny. - Hi.

What a surprise.

Everybody. Boy, I hope this isn't uncomfortable.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

Uh, say, is that a drinking fountain over there?

Sure looks like one.

Well, Niles, Daphne, I'd like you to meet Bridget, my fiancee.

- Hi. - Oh, hello.

- We just filed for our marriage license. - Yes.

- Congratulations. - That's great.

Thank you, I know that I was getting married last time you ran into me,

but this time I found the real thing.

- Good, I'm glad. - Yeah.

You know, if you hadn't left me, then I never would've met my ex-wife,

who introduced me to Bridget.

So in a weird way, you played a big part in my eventual happiness.

- That's a very healthy perspective. - I think so too.

So, what are you guys doing here?

Niles and I are getting married.

Well, congratulations.

- That is great. - Thank you.

- Daphne. - Thank you.

Well, that's great.

And it's nice seeing you, and I hope you come to our wedding.

Oh, same here.

Really? You'd be okay with that?

Well, sure, why not?

Of course, it's anybody's guess how long we could be waiting here.

You can come in now.

Who had one second? Ha, ha.

- Everyone, it's time. - Oh, my, here we go, then.

- This is Bridget. - Lovely to meet you.

Hi, how nice to meet you.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. How you doing? - Hi.

- Is this everybody? - Yes.

Let's get started.

We come here today to unite this man and this woman in marriage.

I understand Daphne and Niles have composed vows

that are especially significant to them.

Niles.

Yeah. Ahem.

Uh, I, Niles Crane, take you, Daphne Moon,

to be my wife.

I vow to you my...

My fidelity and support, uh, honor, respect,

uh, honesty, protection and support. Uh...

You are my comfort and joy and, oh, shoot, there's one more...

One true love.

One true love. That's right.

Okay, you go--

"Okay, you go"?

I, Daphne Moon, do...

I'm sorry, this is wrong.

I can't stand here and rattle off a bunch of words

that don't mean anything anymore.

I can't go through with this.

Yes! I knew it.

You know what it's like to have the love of your life dump you at the altar.

And good luck trying to find somebody as good,

because she just ain't out there.

What?

No, no. No, Bridget.

Bridget.

I'm sorry, everyone, but Niles and I, we're already married.

- What? - Mrs. Moon, I'm afraid it's true.

Uh, Niles and Daphne are already married,

and they were simply trying to spare your feelings.

You knew about Reno?

I was talking about yesterday. What happened in Reno?

They got married yesterday?

- This is all a lie? - No, yesterday was a lie.

- We eloped last week. - I thought you'd have to wait.

- That's why we went to Reno. - You didn't tell us?

- We thought you'd be insulted. - I'm insulted now.

How could you tell Roz and not your family?

How could you have two weddings without telling your mother?

And how could you cheat Alice out of being a flower girl?

We just wanted to be married.

Hold on, I got a question here.

You've been married for a week,

how come you're not on your honeymoon?

Thank you, Martin.

- I hope you can all forgive us. - Of course.

Your happiness, that's what's important.

This is such a relief.

It just felt wrong to start off a marriage with a lie.

Um, was the first one at least in front of the minister?

- Of course. - Yes, let's go.