Original subtitles

- Your cocaine is crap. - Finest kind!

- This is what I want. - That's one sharp gringo.

Señor Zargas?

That's the Shark! A French spy!

The lover of Insp. Pilar CitrÓn! Stop him!

We were denounced!

You wanted to go sightseeing!

They'll pay for this!

I hadn't noticed your perfume. Usually, I'm allergic.

It makes me sneeze terribly.

The nun!

- Dickhead! - Sorry.

Dear God!

Reverse!

See? It's your perfume.

You've lost an earring.

- Brake! - They don't work!

Motherfucker!

You drive like a man.

You don't like soccer?

What was that?

A close shave!

I'm not a natural at declarations,

but I can't help myself.

Nightmare? You've a call from Paris.

It's Georges, there's a hitch.

There's a problem, sir.

A mike in the interpreter's ring was ingenious,

but there's a problem.

Mrs. Granianski is taking leave for her wedding anniversary.

The mike too. We're screwed. Listen to the consul.

Mrs. Granianski, only you speak Spanish.

Zargas can't speak a word of German.

I haven't time to find anyone else!

I'm sorry, but it's bad timing.

My husband won't approve. It's our crystal anniversary.

I love my job, but my marriage comes first.

Well?

Her marriage comes first? We'll sabotage it.

Find me a stunner.

She seduces the husband, sleeps with him.

Send the photos to the wife. We'll see if it's party time!

- But we've only got ugly girls. - That's your problem.

Here's that bastard Zargas.

I just dreamt he killed me.

Find the girl, go to the consulate

and bug the consul's desk.

That's not easy.

It's an order!

See you, Georges.

You ordered him to break into the consulate?

You've got some nerve!

A pretty girl in the service!

There is one, but it may be a problem.

- Who? - Lt. Fourreau.

- His wife! - I'll ask the general.

That's going too far.

- You're leaving? - Yes. I'll miss you, Colombian.

I'll miss you too, Frenchman.

OPERATION CORNED BEEF

Be careful, Georges.

A man has broken into the consulate.

Release the dogs.

- I'll drive you to the Élysée. - Élysée?

Cpt. Boulier? DST. General Moulin wants a word.

Hi, Shark. You heard about Georges?

We're trying to make it look like a car accident.

Georges is dead?

Mauled by a dog. Cigarette burns on his butt.

A car accident!

What does the DGSE think?

It can work on French soil without permission of the DST?

I don't understand. I observe the law:

the DGSE abroad, the DST in France.

I'm on holiday.

- Good day, sir. - I'm watching you, Shark.

Sorry about Georges.

Drive on!

Awful about Georges.

I should never have authorized this mission.

We can't give the case to those DST jerks!

You swore this would be cleared up quickly.

We've no authority to act on French soil.

This way, gentlemen.

Sit down, gentlemen.

- Care for a coffee? - No, thank you.

Negative.

The DGSE dares to spy on a consulate in France?

Of an ally! This is DST turf.

General Moulin, therefore.

The Minister of Defense didn't even know.

We're about to place a file on the President's desk,

but high-ranking people are implicated, so we need proof.

Are you insinuating there's a mole in my entourage?

Probably.

Well, it's possible.

We can't go on assumptions, General Masse.

Indeed.

Our best agent, Cpt. Boulier, discovered 6 months ago,

thanks to the chef of the Hotel Méridien in Bogotá,

that former Argentinean colonel Augusto Zargas,

notorious arms dealer, is selling in his summer collection

the latest French ground-to-ground missile,

which has still not left our factories in Clermont.

- The XR35-B370-Z6-AA200? - Affirmative.

The captain found out that Zargas had already sold to Libya

and pledged to supply them immediately,

though he hadn't built it!

Why not? He hasn't got the blueprints yet.

In other words, excuse my French,

he's behind damn schedule!

He's counting on being sourced by some mole in high places

who passes them to Consul Horst Burger, whom you know.

Down at La Piscine, the guys call him Beef.

Hence the consulate stakeout. We hope to defrock the culprit.

Does that answer your question?

And that allows you to send

your agent Favart breaking and entering?

It's unacceptable. And he got caught!

I don't understand.

I never gave him that order.

It's dumb. Dumb as all hell.

Being rude won't bring him back.

That's for sure. My mistake.

- You like dogs? - Love them.

- If he drools, push him off. - No.

We inserted a mike in the interpreter's ring.

A Frenchwoman named Granianski.

So now we know everything that goes on

in the house.

We're so close to closure we'd rather close the case

rather than make a noise that would reach the ears of the DST.

The DST is sieve-like in its secret-keeping!

Look, Shark... That is your nickname?

His nom de guerre, Mr. President.

- It's an English word. - I get it!

Well, despite your glowing service reports,

you have mike problems.

It's all sorted out, Minister, thanks to Shark.

We stuck a mistress in the mike's husband's bed.

Now everything's hunky-dory.

Affirmative. We torpedoed the marriage.

They divorce and the mike comes back.

The President doesn't like that.

- National security. - What about the ''sleeper,''

is she good on this? - She's doing it for France.

- She's a nice girl. - Do you have her address?

I'm joking!

Mr. Froment, assistant secretary general, wants to see you.

Excuse me, Mr. President, I was wondering

if Richelieu wants a walk.

It's been 3 hours. Quite a long time.

Indeed. I fear Richelieu is rather incontinent.

That's sad. It's his age.

- You don't need me now? - No, do leave.

Gentlemen...

Why this English name for the operation: Corned Beef?

Operation Sunken Ship was quickly spotted.

I thought I'd trick them.

Back at the ranch, they call Consul Burger ''Beef,''

because of Beef Burger, or Corned Beef.

I thought: ''Why not Beef Burger or Corned Beef?''

I decided to call it Corned Beef because in ''Beef Burger,''

people would spot the ''Burger.''

And Corned Beef is more amusing.

The guys back at the ranch work damn hard, so they like

to be quite fanciful.

- You think that's funny? - No, not really.

Now beefsteak would be funny.

Oh, yes.

Hilarious, Mr. President.

Anyway, Operation Corned Beef or not Corned Beef,

there is no operation.

- Are you sulking, sir? - No, I lost a friend yesterday.

Yes, but the law is the law. Right, Masse?

Give the case to the DST. Good day, gentlemen.

- Georges won't be avenged. - Rotten luck.

Now listen.

The Minister of the Interior is just a minister.

He doesn't always interpret the President's silences properly.

The President likes results.

Take a long weekend to ''finish'' your case and ship it DST-wards.

I'm not completely receiving you, Minister.

You're thick, Masse.

Shark, finish up and bring me this mole

before General Masse finishes his report.

Captain, there's no safety net!

- Got that? - Naturally, sir.

We know nothing about it. You're on your own!

Oh, it's you.

- You're not in Tokyo? - Canceled.

Masse put me on another job. Back from Bogotá?

As you can see.

I thought of you ceaselessly.

No, Philippe, I've no time.

Shame.

I'm on a mission too.

We could have had a quickie.

I'm sick of you working. We never see each other.

We should marry and live off my pay.

- We'd finally see each other. - I love you, Shark.

But I'm married to my country.

Me too. But you know me.

When we haven't seen each other in a while, it's hard.

Lieutenant Fourreau. Good day, sir.

I hope you know what you're doing bringing Shark back.

If he finds out I slept with Granianski,

it'll be a disaster.

The situation's hard enough for me.

You said he'd stay in Bogotá!

It'll be unbearable for him. He's pathologically jealous.

He understands the sacrifices a mission may impose.

I'm not sure he'd accept this sacrifice.

He's just proposed again, for Christ's sake!

Get a grip, Lieutenant. You are a soldier first and foremost.

I've just been rebuked at the highest level.

Corned Beef has no safety net.

I could go down for 20 years, as could you and the Shark.

I don't give a damn about your scruples!

We must succeed!

You were the only fuckable agent available.

All this shadowing, the guns and whisky is all very well,

but is it really a job for an honest woman?

The shitty work in our job always falls to women.

I hope we won't regret this and the Shark won't find out.

I'm off to Venice. The mike's husband's in love.

Nice spot. You shouldn't find any Sharks there.

Good luck.

I could spend my nights in clubs having a ball,

for intelligence that's worthless!

It's a world of degenerates where everyone sleeps around!

You'd do better looking after me, dammit.

I'm sick of going without.

One day I'll spot a girl and the dam will burst.

Zazou?

What is it? Are you irritated?

Jealous? I was only kidding.

You know I love only you.

She's gone.

Dr. Tissaud.

Cpt. Boulier? Cadet Monique Garcia, 2nd highest in my year.

I'm 26. It's a great honor to team with the Shark.

To youngsters, you're a legend.

I'll finally put all that theory into practice.

- Not listening? - It's recording.

But the woman's in the toilet.

In this job, you have to put feelings aside.

You're right, it's embarrassing.

- What's this? - Georges sometimes got blue...

Then you lose control and get eaten by dogs.

Turn it up, she may have finished pissing.

I'm always frank with my men.

It's a habit.

- I consider you as a man, OK? - Fine with me, sir!

Man or woman, we all squat at the same inn.

Right! That's enough.

There are 62 pages of fax to translate.

If you're ill, say so. I'll call a doctor.

No, I'll be all right.

I'll do my job. It won't happen again.

I'll get a grip.

I know about heartaches too.

You suffer and then you forget what it was all about.

Forget Jean-Jacques? I doubt it.

Mrs. Granianski!

At first he was the perfect man.

But when I found out about the ignominy...

It's hard when one's husband is snapped with a slapper.

Colonel Zargas is very tense.

This transaction must take place quickly.

It's a matter of life and death to him.

Stop delaying our answer for a tawdry sordid story.

What a jerk!

Fax!

I don't understand. Are these the photos she was shown?

- Our agent's head is missing. - Not on Mrs. Granianski's.

She saw everything.

- Why scratch it out, then? - The agent requested it.

She'd rather remain anonymous. She's married with a family.

- Namby-pamby. - It's a tough position.

Our job can be dirty. But no one's forced to do it.

- The mike's husband? - Jean-Jacques Granianski.

I scratched that out. Too embarrassing.

Come, now! Fax, fax!

- Excellency... - Don't we call him Colonel?

Excellency is reserved for ambassadors.

Zargas was Minister for Education,

twice Minister of the Interior and consultant to the Vatican.

And he has 300 million dollars in Switzerland.

So we call him Excellency. It suits him.

- Doesn't look like a mother. - She's well preserved.

How old is she?

- Her face isn't horrible? - Not at all.

Excuse me. I'll sit there.

He wants to go to the Hotel Prince de Galles.

- Call and book. - He wants the whole floor.

- The whole floor? - Yes, it's written there.

For his 15 bodyguards.

12, if the others are in hospital.

He doesn't need so many barbudos.

This is a democracy.

A constitutional state!

They don't let these cowboys

rub people out in the street. Explain that

to this... darkie.

- Colonel Zargas? - When does he arrive?

Yes, when? What's going on?

There's room!

Some OAP taking 2 hours to park!

Look at the string bean measuring his parking space!

I get the feeling I know him. I think something's up.

- It's the cuckold's husband! - What?

I don't understand.

- They were supposed to go away. - He didn't like her.

Where'd you dig up your pin-up?

The cipher, sir.

Speak of the devil... It's our agent.

Slight hitch.

To her surprise, husband stood her up at Orly.

He's here!

They're letting him in.

Why send a cipher? The fool could have phoned.

The interpreter's husband demands to speak to his wife.

We've said it all.

Lolo, please. I admit that I was wrong.

- Gently, gently... - Down!

Bongo! Mobutu! Calm down!

He's a friend.

- He's a friend too? - Naturally.

The dogs remind me of what Georges went through.

Spare us the commentary.

- You shouldn't have come. - Stop sulking, madam.

Have a chat in my office and sort out your problems.

We have a kilo of faxes to translate. Be brief.

Of course, Mr. Burger. Come on.

Sorry, but we have a huge psychological knot to untie.

Get a move on.

Let's be quick, Jean-Jacques.

- Are there any matches here? - Get to the point.

Your father has aged.

He keeps making threatening phone calls.

The children are infernal from desperation.

The maid resigned. She refuses to obey me.

But I'm not here to make you feel guilty.

No kidding!

You left the marital home over a minor aberration.

Marital home? Somewhere you gave yourself over to lustful orgies

on the rug Aunt Violaine gave us!

It was an awful rug.

You've changed terribly, Jean-Jacques.

You're not the man I married.

That slut woke the beast in me. I have sinned. Slap me.

This is not our home.

Hit me, kick me, but come back this weekend.

Give us a chance.

- They can't make up! - They love each other.

What we did was awful.

You're humiliating yourself. Get up.

You'll crease the carpet. Stop it, Jean-Jacques.

- Get up. - Do I have a chance?

Step in or they'll patch things up.

Take your skirt up.

I'll make you a miniskirt! You'll look like sex on legs.

Am I no longer enough for you?

If Aunt Violaine's rug excites you,

what the hell!

Lolo!

You're sexually unhinged, I submit.

Our love is stronger than this second-rate sexuality.

I should think so.

Sorry, but another girl says she has a date with your husband.

Nobody knows I'm in Paris.

Go for broke! Say something compromising.

It's embarrassing. Yoo-hoo!

Who's that?

Hurry, we'll miss the plane.

I've never seen that monster.

I love you, Jean-Jacques Granianski.

You are the love of my life!

- He wants the lot of them! - But, Lolo...

No, honestly.

He's a monster. He's a prick.

He's a prick!

Leave me alone.

I love you! You are my one and only.

- We were made for each other. - All right.

- Was that OK, sir? - Impeccable.

Quick, everyone's looking.

- An audience gets you going. - Quite so.

Stop sniveling, Mrs. Granianski.

He's gone.

I didn't think he'd pester me with that fat cow.

She's so common!

Like a hooker from the woods!

We didn't hear.

- Better envy than pity. - Of course.

...he was a virgin!

What's wrong with the sound?

What are you doing on all fours?

Looking for my ring.

It keeps falling off. My fingers must be thinner.

Georges broke the ring putting the mike on.

So he sized it on my finger. It mustn't be the same.

That's obvious.

Here it is!

The stone is badly mounted.

It moves.

I won't keep it long anyhow.

It's linked to my husband.

- We can't hear! - Turn it right up.

It is right up.

Look at what's happening to that poor man because of us.

Won't do any harm.

- I can't hear a thing. - Honestly!

They're using a knife.

If he bleeds, we'll have the cops and the DST on our back.

- Calm down. - What...?

You're saving my life.

- Shall we call the police? - No, I'll see to it.

You're very brave. You're the only one.

A person could get murdered!

- Keys. - I don't want to harm my car.

Look. They've stabbed my thigh.

- Take me to hospital. - Yes.

You'll be there in 2 minutes.

Careful. I'll never make it. My fingers!

- Not too messy? - Just a scratch.

You handled it like a star. I thought he'd be a problem.

Experience, my girl.

Excuse me!

Could you put a dressing on? I'm scared I'll stain the seats.

Given its seriousness, a small operation is needed.

They're better equipped to operate at the hospital.

So you think I'm done for? I feel faint.

Call Emergency.

Lie there.

- You're a good guy. - But I haven't got all day.

Thank you.

- I wonder who that woman was. - Pardon?

I'd made up with Lolo, then this fat cow called me.

- I don't know. - In front of your truck.

- Didn't see her. - That's impossible!

She was huge!

Imagine an elephant's ass. Just like that.

- Is someone there? - Stop talking, it'll tire you.

Thanks.

- We saw him out. - Did you fight?

Nein. We escorted him out politely.

- He kicked me slightly. - I'm sorry.

When he's upset, he has Herculean strength.

It's superficial. It just needs a dressing.

What a day! Some days it'd be best to stay in bed.

- Are you disinfecting it? - Didn't I do that?

- A blunder. Sorry. - Sometimes you're too busy

and make mistakes. I see that in my job.

I'm a company psychological counselor.

- You're a company doctor? - Dr. Tissaud. I am qualified.

- Can I disinfect with bourbon? - Pardon?

With all these strikes, we've run out of iodine.

- But it'll hurt. - But a tingling. Bite this.

I hate my hands without jewels. I must be too sentimental.

- You have a dog? - It's tame. Don't panic.

Down. Quiet. Stay. Be good.

He sounds huge.

Down, Mandela!

- Isn't it unhygienic? - This is a preventive unit.

A tuft of hair in a blood test could be a bother.

He gets depressed at home.

Like me. I hate being alone.

- Just look at my credit cards. - I'm truly sorry.

When I was ejected from the embassy,

those Nazis set the dogs on me.

I dropped my pipe and they bit it. Here.

Look at the jaw marks. Impressive.

A briar pipe seasoned with brandy. What a week!

- No anti-tetanus shot? - The pipe was bitten, not you.

- Would you do me a favor? - Depends.

Tell my wife at the consulate that I was badly beaten.

Not even the cops can get in now.

So go home.

Your wife will be trying to reach you.

She must be there on Sunday.

My father-in-law, an industrialist,

provides most of my consultancy work.

If Marie-Laurence isn't there, he'll take away his business,

which is 85% of my turnover. It'd be a tragedy!

I won't bother you any further. I've taken enough of your time.

I've fish to fry, dogs to walk!

Thought you'd never be rid of him.

Call our excellent agent and send her to that jerk in Dreux.

I'll do a first draft, then copy it

and then we'll fax it.

Granianski stood me up at Orly.

What?

It's incomprehensible.

Beg your pardon, sir. Incoming call.

Isabelle? The captain asked me to call you.

Is he with you?

Lemme talk to her.

Shark here!

Go and see the punter in Dreux.

Last time was mediocre.

So get him hard. That's an order.

- Is she annoyed? - Maybe it's scruples.

What a sissy! At a rude word? I call a spade a spade.

Women in the army complicate things.

Jean-Jacques can't control his strength.

Irresistible when he's angry.

The other day a bottle of cider was resisting him.

He broke its neck with one blow.

Fax, Mrs. Granianski!

- Doctor! - The ball-breaker.

Dr. Tissaud?

I stalled 6 times. Almost wrecked my gearbox.

I can't declutch. Can you take me to Dreux?

- How do I get back? - There's a train every 30 min.

- Then take it. - They'll strip the car bare.

- It's brand new. - I just leave my patients?

You're right. I'm ashamed.

- I'm getting on your nerves. - No, but I've a job to do.

Health service.

I'll lie down and rest for an hour or two.

Then I'll be fit to drive. It'll be nicer for you too.

We can chat. I'm sure we have a good rapport.

Go and wait in your old car.

I'll drop him in Dreux, or he'll be here all day.

Dreux? You'll meet our agent!

The woman... The one... You know...

I like to know my team.

You won't be disappointed, then!

My mistake was doing it on Aunt Violaine's rug.

A huge error in taste.

She's not that keen on it, but Lolo is very family...

A word of advice: let some water flow under the bridge.

Don't see your Lulu for two weeks...

Lolo!

Your wife, then.

You must never appear needy to women.

- It solves nothing. - So I've had it?

It looks less than promising.

At this stage, you should go off with your girlfriend.

When you hook a fish like that one...

- She is a stunner! - Well, then! Life is too short.

You won't get a better chance.

- That's for sure. - Really go for it!

Then you ditch her later and go back to your wife.

If she accepts. Thing is, everybody knows about it.

It's amazing how many guys get off

with their mistresses on the quiet.

I do it once on the living room rug,

and next day at breakfast, I've got the photos.

That's bad luck.

Sorry to go on, but we're at 140 again.

1 10 is the recommended maximum.

I know, but I haven't got all day.

It does shift, mind you. It goes like a bomb.

This car's like a guided missile.

Shit! That was a radar speed trap.

Take the wheel. I don't have my papers.

If we get stopped, it's better that you get caught.

Come on, come on.

Hold this.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Let's go. Shall I drive?

One month's suspension. If you weren't a friend,

I'd have told on you.

- Dash! Maryline's car. - Your new bird's here already.

She's mad! She swore she'd use the visitors' car park.

Everyone knows, anyway.

Tell her to leave and that I'll call her in the week.

You had a great time. Do you fancy her or not?

Well, then! Don't let your guard drop.

Go on.

The telephone...

I'll call a taxi.

Well? What are you waiting for?

Well, yes. I can hear her up there.

Go on. Buck up!

I'd like a taxi for 24 Paris Avenue.

- What are you doing? - Hi, Jean-Jacques.

I'll turn the music down for the neighbors.

Why weren't you at Orly?

My father-in-law blackmailed me.

He forced me to make up with Marie-Laurence.

Which is silly, 'cause I'm mad about you.

You won't give in!

Not at all. But there's the company.

- What company? - My company.

Where you came for psychological tests.

Psycho... Psycho-thingy?

''PsychoPerform.''

Consultancy. My father-in-law is our biggest client.

Temporarily.

If I don't get my wife back, my income goes.

- Sacrificing me? - No!

- You don't want me? - It's for the money I hesitate.

Who's there?

It's nothing.

An old friend brought me. I'll throw him out.

There are no taxis. Lend me your car.

I'll leave it at the station.

- How do I get it back? - You have no license.

I'll borrow it for a week, wash it and fill it up.

I'll come with you. I'd rather.

Why are the lights off?

Have you ever made love to a military march?

Can I turn them on? I have to take my friend...

What are you up to?

- What's going on? - We had an idea.

Rather than risk an accident, we'll drop you at Orly.

It's 35 minutes from the center.

You decided to follow my advice! You'll have a relaxing weekend.

We only live once.

Wait a minute, I'm busy packing.

One minute! The countdown has begun.

Cadet?

I can't hear. Is it the line?

No, it's our agent redeeming herself.

- Have you seen her? - No, I take back what I said.

She's extremely hot-blooded. And working very well.

He's in heaven. What about the mike?

Coming along. Temperature normal, no fever.

Your voice is grotesque. Is someone there?

Yes, a patient. I'm giving him a blood test.

He's from the DST.

- Secret service? - Yes. Have a nice test!

- Need help? - Not in the least.

I managed very well. He's in quite a state.

Be right there.

Isn't it finished now? The bottle's full.

I'm coming. Don't panic.

Happy, precious?

Don't want to be a killjoy, but I've an emergency.

- Someone spoke. - My friend. Who cares!

- Jean-Jacques? - No. Who's that?

Guylain Chauffereau. Is he there?

One second.

What does he want now?

- It's your father-in-law. - I'll come down.

Be right back, darling.

Hold on, Mr. Chauffeur.

''Chauffereau''! There's an ''r'' in it!

Get rid of him. We're in a hurry.

Hello, Daddy? I was going to call.

- Is Lolo back? - Not yet, but almost.

Your children are as hateful as you are depraved!

I assure you, Daddy, that business is over.

- Hurry! - Great! This nut's on the line.

Listen to him, you'll see.

Geoffroy called his grandma a smelly old trout

and won't apologize.

He's in the toilet. I can't let such insults pass.

Geoffroy can't have said that!

So I'm a liar, am I? Come and fetch them.

They peed on the whortleberries with their cousins.

Like father, like son!

I'm afraid I can't collect them right now.

I'll call their mother.

Yes, you might be able to convince her to come back.

Are you mad? Give me that.

We're coming for the children, Mr. Chauffeur.

Chauffereau! There's an ''r''...

This is my business!

You've been friendly, but this is my private life.

You can't drop a lovers' weekend for a few whortleberries.

We both go and talk to the kids.

A bit of diplomacy will fix the old grump,

and your girlfriend meets you at Orly. Let's go.

I've one last little family problem to sort out

and we'll meet at Orly.

- No. I won't let go. - I gotta go to the in-laws'!

It's our first weekend together.

I'm married. You can't have it all at once.

Smashing to meet you. You're a precious friend.

- Honestly. Thank you. - Only natural.

The neighbor's car is in our way.

If your bird's dressed, she can move hers.

Call her. Sound the horn.

Again...

Keys, dear. Your car's in the way.

Put a bathrobe on.

She'd cause a scandal in that state!

Could you do me a favor?

Tell me honestly what you think of her.

- Oh, gosh! - Bit of all right, eh?

Charmed. Maryline Lemoine.

Dr. Tissaud. I don't know your first name.

- Rémi. - Glad to meet you.

- I'll move it. - What are you doing?

Stop hanging around! Let's go!

Hurry!

- You've room to pass. - See you at Orly.

- Don't forget. - Fat chance!

- Let's go! - Coming.

Are you mad?

We did make you wait. It's annoying. I'm sorry.

Sometimes you forget everything.

Even the best of friends.

Although it's always been very proper with Marie-Laurence,

I must say, with this bird...

It's samba time!

I don't wanna hear your smutty secrets!

Oh? I'm sorry.

I can't put into words what's happened between us.

- Then don't! - What did you think of her?

- You're disappointed? - Yes, I am.

- We're badly matched? - Fairly, yes.

Quite badly... Very badly matched!

- She is rather loud, it's true. - Pardon?

Vulgar. She lacks the distinction.

Not the kind of woman you or I would marry.

Mind you, in the bedroom...!

There's nothing hornier than free-spirited girls

who put out at the drop of a hat.

- Shut the fuck up! - That's rather familiar.

Sorry, it's hard not to share these things with a friend.

Shut up!

We very nearly hit him.

- Didn't see him. - He saw us, though.

Look out!

Hold on, Henriette!

- Which way now? - That...

Don't get the wrong idea about Maryline.

She's not obsessed by sex.

She's an intellectual woman, who is...

having big problems with her husband.

Rather simple-minded, apparently.

Emergency. Order me a coffee.

Sure? You're quite nervous.

I'll have one too. It'll pick me up.

What's the state of play?

Zargas is in his jet, due at Cormeilles-Pontoise at 16:30.

Thank you.

Can I ask you a question?

Who chose Isabelle Fourreau to unbalance the mike's husband?

You, sir.

Whose idea was it to choose her?

You'd best ask General Masse. It was he who...

Well, I did offer, but they said I was too young.

That's true.

Masse or not, I'll lose the guy in the middle of nowhere.

I'm not letting him take my girl to Venice

at the taxpayer's expense, dammit!

I understand.

Nobody would blame you. Especially not me, Philippe.

How dare you speak to me like that?

Keep your views to yourself, my girl.

I did not crack up. It was a temporary bad patch.

I'm going to Orly. Do not mention that ever again!

- Come on, we're in a hurry. - But...!

A seminar in Venice with the Japanese, really?

- Of course, Daddy. - Banzai!

Be quiet, Benoît.

No offense, but I'm amazed a boy like you

can advise Japanese companies.

Geoffroy, you keep bashing the door into the Empire table!

And Louise's bisque.

He must be in a rush to see his dad

and apologize to Granny Louise. Go and kiss her.

- Sorry, Granny Louise. - Not me. She's bristly!

What do you say?

Benoît! Come here.

That's permissive education.

The parents aren't respected.

Receiving you loud and clear.

Oh yes?

So you're Jean-Jacques's doctor cousin?

- Second cousin. - What side are you from?

His father's or his mother's?

- His mother's, I think. - You think?

I'm not very family-minded.

Strange that my daughter never mentioned you.

It's OK. Benoît will kiss granny.

He promised to be good. Give me five.

So this famous unknown cousin is from your mother's side.

No, my father Jean's. My mother is an only child.

But he said the opposite.

- It just fell on its own. - My bisque, smashed!

We'd love to stay, but we have to go.

What did this Maryline say about her husband?

I don't know, such a torrent of recriminations, poor dear.

What, for instance?

He's very limited. A big oaf with a pea for a brain.

That's not all. Sexually speaking, he's a waste of space.

No... You'll laugh, but...

it seems the poor guy, when the time comes, nudge-nudge,

is seized by wracking sneezes.

In fact, he's impotent.

- We laugh, but it's awful. - You didn't smell a rat?

It's possible, but with me she hangs off the curtains.

It's my poised, reassuring side she prefers

to a bodybuilder's fake virility.

- And you're reassuring? - You'd be surprised

how many women are reassured by a man who smokes a pipe.

There was a survey in VSD magazine.

Well, 70% of women questioned

preferred a husband who smokes a pipe.

The smell of tobacco in a car makes me ill.

I'd have put it out. That was a genuine meerschaum pipe

given to me by my wife.

- I'm allergic to tobacco. - So I see.

Odd things, allergies. The illness of the century.

- And are you married? - No.

Oh? By choice or lack of opportunity?

Keep your nose out of my business!

You'd rather be free. It's a conception.

Very good of you to come with me.

Ah, darling!

I escaped the clutches of my father-in-law.

Why did you ask the doctor to come with you?

I didn't, he insisted.

My leg is still weak.

- He has better things to do. - Negative.

We're in a hurry. Come on, keep this as hand luggage.

No, I hate being encumbered in flight.

I'll be right back.

Thanks for the serenade.

You don't mind mixing work and pleasure.

It's hard enough. Don't make it worse.

Sorry? What about those obscene cries I heard.

- You don't usually do that. - I'm faking it, I'm in control.

Why do you never fake with me?

And you told him this story of allergies and impotence.

- What was all that? - What?

The lie you told him about my allergy...

How I sneeze when the time comes...

You are easily allergic. Doesn't it happen?

Never just then.

So I embellished a bit!

How do I look now?

How does who look?

Are you Maryline's husband?

Get a grip, Shark. We're under orders.

Elementary.

You're right, Lieutenant.

Darling!

Give me your ticket.

You got no smoking. I'll never last till Venice.

What a jerk!

Go now. You'll ruin everything.

Don't you worry.

Fuck!

He went without saying goodbye?

That's very strange, from him.

Doctor. An emergency.

I don't care. I've got the stub.

- Put another one on. - Just a minute...!

Decide or we'll miss the plane.

Darling... Choosing a pipe can never be rushed.

I'll take this one. Ah, Tissaud's back!

Hang on...

You'll ruin your life. You've a wife who loves you,

two kids, Benoît and Guylain. - That's my father-in-law.

Shut up. You'll lose your job, your house, your money

for 3 days of laying some tart you don't know.

Dr. Tissaud!

I hope you have some excuse for your attitude.

- You're going too far! - Shut it!

Stay out of it, Isabelle. You've done enough damage.

Excuse me.

She's Maryline. You're confused.

Worse than that. It's a disaster!

- The doctor doesn't realize. - It's shameful

to destroy a French family with filth for any reason.

The President told me so this morning!

I'll miss my...

Leave the President out of it. Find another argument.

- Go, Lieutenant! It's an order. - You're off your rocker!

Exactly. He's a lunatic. Doctor, you are pitiful.

That's enough. We've a plane to catch.

So rinse your face in cold water and...

Touch her again and I'll blow you open.

Sleep with him, I'll kill him.

May I?

This isn't the husband, it's the captain to the lieutenant,

ordering you to stand down.

When an officer's behavior is anti-national, one must disobey.

- Loser! - Is a slap anti-national?

Let me go or I'll report you to Masse and a court martial!

- But I've a flight! - I don't care.

Report me if you want, but I'll look after him.

Come here!

This way.

Now this!

Can you bring it down?

Sorry, You'll have to see the pound.

Climb up.

- Hurry! - Where to?

- Dreux. Get in. - Take it easy.

- Hey, mister! - Piss off.

You're going to start it here?

I didn't know you liked her so much.

Hugely.

We're both bushed, Tissaud.

So we get upset...

We'd be better off stopping and talking calmly.

It's very nice of you to look after me and my family.

Because even if you're sometimes a bit... brusque,

I totally share your view of the family and...

Good!

I never intended leaving my wife, who is very deserving.

Even if I did allow myself two days' release with that... slut.

I won't have you talk about her like that!

That ''slut'' is my wife! Get it, jerk-off?

Of course. She's your wife. That sounds logical enough.

Those women are everybody's wives.

Yours, mine, the gas attendant's,

the policeman's... You cough up and they go down.

I don't mind giving you the bird.

You can have my ticket to Venice.

Drop me off and go to her. You'll enjoy it!

You're as thick as a brick! I ordered her to sleep with you!

Get it?

For France!

I didn't think of that. But OK.

For France.

Can't you open your eyes for driving?

Ah! You may want to slow down...

The police are there.

Silly, I should've insured it fully comp.

Your beep. Another emergency.

Call the bus

Go ahead, I'll wait.

- Come here. - No.

- Get in there. - I don't expect this of you.

I thought we were much better friends than that...

- Shark here. What's going on? - At last!

They're landing early. The mike's going to Pontoise.

Listen!

Should I follow them or wait for you?

Damn! Trigger Phase No. 2: tail with no risk of recognition.

Receiver on front seat under blanket, headphones under scarf.

Go for it and do not panic! Do not panic!

Why are you shouting, Philippe? I'm quite calm.

Because you should be in the car. Jump to it!

- What are you doing? - I'm claustrophobic.

Let me out.

Stop that. I'll open it.

- Promise you'll calm down. - Word of honor.

- The lock's broken. - Don't let me die in here.

- Cover your eyes. - What will you do?

Shut it!

- You won't damage anything? - Mind your own business.

- There's a funny noise. - That's what it takes.

What are you doing?

You've opened it like a can of tuna.

- Get in. - I'll have to change it all.

It won't be guaranteed!

Shit! This car was new!

- Where to now? - An emergency.

You're fairly impulsive.

Best when the shit hits the fan.

As a psychological counselor, I see lots of maniacs.

Even in companies, you see that psychological problems

are almost always linked to... sex.

It's true that for some, intelligence,

don't take it personally, is often a handicap.

One always finds a shoe to fit one's foot,

but when one wants to force oneself into a shoe

of the wrong size, one hurts one's foot and deforms the shoe.

What're you trying to say?

Nothing, Tissaud.

As a doctor, you know there's no shame

in being psychoanalyzed.

Pardon?

It'd solve your major sexual problems.

We haven't eaten yet!

If I skip meals, I don't fire on all four cylinders.

That's a shame. Now shut up.

My tummy's rumbling.

Some guy in Venice'll be wearing my brand new linen suit.

Is it normal for them to be armed?

He has had death threats. He has to protect himself.

- It doesn't amuse him. - It's very intimidating.

A whiff of sulfur!

- Mrs. Granianski, Mr. Zargas. - Charmed.

- Where've you been, cadet? - The meeting point was vague.

Not very bright. Quick, the equipment.

Dr. Tissaud!

Dr. Tissaud!

- You know that fat lady? - Shut up or die.

I don't want to intrude, but she's mad.

She hurled obscenities in front of my wife this morning.

Can it.

What's the mike's husband doing here?

- It's better for everyone. - Really?

I know what I'm doing.

Sound unusable. Fetch the shotgun mike.

Oh, I get it.

You're no more a doctor than I am.

You've escaped from the asylum.

You strangled your doctors and took their places.

And then met me!

- It works. Come here! - I haven't mounted the shotgun.

Leave it. Pick it up later.

- Come on! - Be careful.

Hey! Take it easy!

Sorry, doc, but it's not cool tailing someone with a civilian.

No choice. Shut up.

That's all he says: ''Belt up,'' ''Shut up''...

Shut up!

Just like I said!

The colonel says he's sorry to bring his little army,

but his life is threatened by the communist scum

of the Shining Path.

And to promote democracy in his country...

That's Lolo's voice!

Lolo your wife? All voices are similar through a mike.

The colonel asked if I sleep at the embassy

or the hotel.

I'm embarrassed. What should I say?

He says I'm very attractive.

That's a bit much.

If you fancy... It's as you wish.

No. I think he's nice, but...

We should maybe listen later because of...

That's just like her voice!

He keeps making double-entendres.

What are you after, Mrs. Granianski?

It's her! It's Lolo!

Why are you spying on Lolo?

What's going on?

They think they're being followed. They want to check.

Yes, but discreetly.

We're in France, not Colombia.

What did they say?

''Take great precautions.''

Shit! We've been spotted.

It's just like Bogotá. They're going at it.

To say the least!

Don't waste ammo. We've lost them.

Fuck it! We've lost them!

Where to now?

Why did they shoot at us?

How will we get it out? A new BX!

Look at the state it's in.

Hang on! Dr. Tissaud! I'm tied in!

Help!

Dr. Tissaud! Help!

Help, Tissaud. I'm tied in, doctor.

I'm tied in, I'm tied in!

My bag.

I got him, sir! Yippee!

- Garcia? Are you unscathed? - No harm done, sir.

- We'll get your car and go. - What about me?

- Mind your own business. - But you...

Reasons of state, will that do you?

I'm infiltrating a meeting between two villains.

The poor Spanish interpreter is stuck in Dreux

celebrating her wedding anniversary with her husband.

That's how we set up a coup with a gorgeous girl

who makes the dork think he's Cary Grant.

- Get it? - No, it's improbable.

Maryline loves me. You're jealous.

Idiot! Weren't you surprised at the photos?

I'm well known in Dreux. Someone must be envious.

Nobody envies you. We set it up to sabotage your marriage.

Otherwise Isabelle would never have looked at you.

You think you made her climb the walls,

but you're off target. She faked the whole thing.

Go home. Say nothing about what you've seen. Or else...

I have no sexual problems. OK?

OK.

Come on, Garcia. We're off.

What did he say?

That my almond eyes are as deep as those of his dog,

Mantequilla, who is very sexy.

What are you doing here, sir?

One second, Captain. Cadet, go back to the hotel.

Elevator B, 7th floor, room 705. Give 3 short knocks,

2 long, 5 short,

2 long. Isabelle will open it. - Isabelle?

That's odd, sir: 3 short, 2 long, 5 short, 2 long...

- In Morse, it spells Snouf. - Don't argue. Move it.

Follow me.

Isabelle told you everything?

- Your gun. - I know what you think.

Isabelle was falling in love and compromising the operation.

Be quiet. You're spineless.

Isabelle is an exceptional agent whom I trust implicitly.

She's heading the operation.

- You can't do that! - Watch me. Take a holiday.

I'd like to see you if someone screwed Madeleine!

Madeleine? You're mad, Boulier!

My mistake, sir.

Good day.

Come in. Equipment on the bed.

Good day, ma'am. Flattered to work with you.

This is private 2nd class Granger.

Évelyne Granger. Pleased to meet you.

Have you ever been in action before?

No. It's the first time. I've got butterflies!

Let's record.

What're you doing?

Enough, or I'll expose you! This cop tortures people!

- I'll break your arm. - Brutality now!

- He's threatening me. - No kidding!

- You can't do this. - Where are you going?

To find my wife. And I'll file a complaint...

Butt out!

Murders are made to look like accidents every day...

Boulier! Philippe Boulier, what a surprise!

Why are you here?

They have one of the best raspberry champagnes in Paris.

You're a connoisseur.

Come to the bar. I've a few things to ask you.

- Mrs. Granianski, please. - Who?

She does translations. I must speak to her!

Hanging around Zargas will cost you your career.

Oh? Is Zargas in Paris? I worked on him in Bogotá.

Pass me the phone.

- Who are you calling? - The President.

I'm sure they'll be thrilled to know

the DGSE is breaking the law.

He hasn't changed. I saw him at the Olympia in '52.

Talent never ages, Helmut.

- Is that his hair? - It's a helmet, Helmut.

Very well done. Superb.

Minister, there's an extremely urgent call.

Excuse me.

Minister of Defense here. A problem? Put him on.

Here, it's for you.

Cpt. Boulier, the President was crystal clear.

He forbade this enquiry.

- But you yourself said... - Where?

When? How? You have a tape?

Unfortunately not, Minister.

Put Moulin back on.

He's headstrong with numbskull tendencies.

- Put him under arrest. - With pleasure.

Was he acting alone?

I'm having the hotel searched.

Yes. Keep me informed.

We'll arrest your accomplices too.

Daddy, I'm in Paris, at the Prince de Galles.

- What? - Call Lolo, room 722,

and tell her to see me. I keep trying but she refuses.

Thought you were with your Japs.

It's Hiroshima here.

Geoffroy decapitated the greyhound.

- I don't care. - What?

I'm trying to win back your daughter.

I'm beyond material damage. My BX has exploded: who cares!

Family is more important than material details.

Throw this big oaf in the clink!

No hard feelings, Bibi. You win. Let's shake hands.

Get out of the way!

Priority!

Handicapped person!

Did it go wrong then, Grandpa?

It's our friend.

No, no, no, dear friend.

We can't postpone the meeting.

The colonel came to meet you.

I don't care about Col. Zargas.

We heard his bodyguards' helicopter exploded.

You understand the meeting cannot now be held in France!

It was an unfortunate pilot error.

I may get caught. Zargas is not discreet enough. Cancel.

They want to change the meeting.

Sorry. I'm scared...

To Buenos Aires in 6 months, during the IMF conference.

Impossible. I need the material.

If he will not come to Zargas, Zargas will go to him!

He says the meeting will go ahead as planned at the Pa...

Shit! Did you hear the place?

- May I? - Go ahead, my child.

Quickly, Mrs. Granianski. We're on the phone

with our friend.

Hello, Daddy? It's Lolo.

We've had trouble with this mike from the get-go.

It must be very painful, if you love your husband,

to have to cheat on him under orders.

Yes, very.

That said,

of course,

if he makes love well...

- Was that the case? - Mind your own business.

Jean-Jacques, what happened with the children?

- They miss you. - I miss them too.

I miss you.

- Hypocrite! - Shut up!

- It was reasons of state. - I should've known.

That girl in the photo you said was common

was acting under orders.

Stop that! He didn't find me common.

She was faking. Your honor is safe.

You belittle your mistress. You're pathetic.

You must be at our anniversary tomorrow.

Impossible. I'm going with Señor Zargas to...

Shit! What's going on?

You abandon your family for that wop?

- Are you racist now? - Your father wants to ruin us.

Pardon?

You're here solely out of self-interest?

You don't care about the children or me!

- It's for the money. - It's all mixed up...

Mrs. Lolo! To work.

If you need money that badly, hock my ring.

The mike!

You come back home and obey. That's all.

Throw this crude person out. Now!

- Where's Bibi? - Searching the hotel.

Last time I didn't defend myself,

but this time it'll be different.

Boulier, help me. They're going to kill me.

Boulier, help!

Boulier! Help!

What a shit! You coward! Yellow belly!

Impossible. I'm going with Señor Zargas to...

Snouf! That's one of ours.

- Go. The DST are everywhere. - Granianski has the ring.

- Damn! I'll see to that. - I'm in command here.

- You're hooked, Shark. - Run, Philippe.

Freeze!

My poor man. They damaged you.

Let me go. You did nothing to help me.

- Come on. - Stop. I hurt all over.

It's to help you.

I asked for nothing.

Have you seen the state you're in?

Do you take me for a fool?

The cops are after you!

You lied from A to Z. You're a barefaced liar!

You've a right to know. Come on.

To us, Mrs. Granianski, Lolo, for 10 years has been Flea,

agent 712 for La Piscine, the DGSE.

- You take me for a dork! - You're tiring.

Give me the ring she gave you for me.

My engagement ring? For you?

Give it here!

- A mike. Tools of her trade. - Damn! Lolo is a spy.

- Surprising, eh? - I'm flabbergasted.

It must be Lulu who gave her the idea.

Lucette, her best friend.

Her patrol leader in the girl guides.

- Lucette... - You know her?

Good old Lulu. I can't name names,

but Lulu did a great deal.

A great deal?

Do you take me for a turkey?

Good old Lulu!

It's the name of their dog.

- My mistake. - You do take me for a fool!

Wait!

- We're French, after all. - I don't care.

Look, old boy. We skipped lunch.

It does nothing for your thinking.

I'll buy you a hearty meal in a fine restaurant.

I'll have another Plougastel with a half of cider.

Weren't the two Belle-îles and the Perros-Guirec enough?

I had no lunch.

They're picky about expenses.

If my friend's depressed, I don't count pennies.

Your wife'll witness a transaction that won't take place.

Then Zargas will liquidate her. See?

She mentioned a meeting.

I want to know where and at what time.

You're serving France as well as your wife.

My wife's a spy, then she isn't,

you're a doctor, cop, secret agent... I don't trust you.

Everything you say is fishy.

If you're in counterespionage, I wanna speak to your superior.

Or even the President of the Republic.

Then maybe I'll believe you.

I'm ready to negotiate.

How much?

Total reimbursement of my BX, original price.

A BX 16, Delage red.

I'll see what we can do. Stay there.

- Boulier? - What now?

I changed my mind. I'd rather have an XM.

Hello, General Masse? Are you that fond of your car?

Keep on messing around, you'll drain the battery.

Leave him, Shark. It's his car.

He's right, it's my car.

I'll just have it towed away.

You're sure the meeting's here? It's strange.

My wife said, ''Astérix Park, 10 o'clock.''

Ah! ''Creperix'' is opening. We can have breakfast.

Send a man to fetch me two waffles with sugar.

Sergeant, two waffles with sugar.

Mr. Granianski needs an idea to make up with his wife.

I'll tell her we needed her to stay at the consulate,

and Mr. Granianski, out of pure patriotism,

agreed to pose for the photo session.

There was never anything between him and my wife.

You're naive. Lolo knows my true nature,

I don't lie naked on a rug with a woman for long

without something happening. - A fake DGSE certificate.

She'll be proud of her spy husband.

Look over there, Shark. More bad luck.

Thanks for the info, Masse. General Moulin's taking over.

Spread your men out. Here are your three agents.

I didn't think you'd call the DST.

Your waffles: sugar and maple syrup.

Look, sir. Zargas is coming!

Go ahead, men. Semi-close shadowing.

Each with a kid. Ready to intervene at any time.

Quiet, children. Legorce, be natural.

I've a family. I've two children.

Damn!

Mrs. Granianski, tell Mr. Zargas we have visitors.

Problem, sir. Mr. Granianski refuses to go without his wife.

Your wife will be safe and sound.

I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for what happened.

To be honest, I must admit that

even if you faked it,

which I understand in your situation,

it wasn't the case for me. All morals aside,

that, at least, wasn't bad. - That's very flattering.

Finished your dubious small talk?

So, friend, are you worried about your marvelous wife?

Isn't Mr. Zargas coming?

He'll take the next boat. Climb in.

Don't mess around!

We'll help you. Don't worry.

Very kind of you, sir. Thank you.

General! Sir!

The thing is, waffles get everywhere.

Watch my seats!

Good God! Look who's there.

Señor Zargas.

Damn!

- Please, don't shoot. - Don't shoot.

We'll give ourselves up.

The assistant secretary-general!

That crawler who smells of dogs!

One of my men.

I stupidly dislocated my knee.

Oh, it's awful.

When Mr. Burger saw the police, he tried to strangle the girl.

I'm here, dear. The nightmare's over.

Ma'am, now you're out of danger,

I must tell you the truth about the photos.

Your husband Jean-Jacques is with the DGSE.

Him?

Love...

You weren't forced to kiss him.

If I hadn't followed the order I was given,

I wouldn't be worthy to be in the army.

True enough.

Touché, Lieutenant.

Mind you, next time I won't give a damn.

- Understood, Lieutenant? - Yes, sir.

Lt. Fourreau, you're wanted.

Lieutenant, the President for you.

- Hello? - Hello, it's me.

- Congratulations, Lt. Fourreau. - Thank you, sir.

A mission for you: Take the photos in the side pocket.

You'll recognize him straight away.

The US president and I found him very depressed.

He's a pitiful sight, on the verge of giving up.

We can't let him down now.

He needs to relax. His wife's in thalasso-therapy.

So he has a week free. It's a wonderful opportunity.

But I'm getting married and going on honeymoon.

Quite legitimate. This car will take you to the Élysée

and I will explain face-to-face what France expects of you.

I'll tell my husband.

You'll have time for that later.

Three in the bull. My form's returning.

Tissaud!

- What is it? - Your lie was hopeless.

Lolo is so-so and Daddy's more than dubious.

He's convinced you're a national health doctor.

You have to come to Dreux in your officer's uniform.

- You owe me that. - I've a couple of things to do.

Right. To ruin another French family?

Come on, my mother-in-law is an excellent cook.

They have their faults, but they eat well.

Subtitles: ECLAIR

And for all those who read the credits until the very end,

here's a little kiss!