All language subtitles for Hope.Springs.2003.720p.BluRay.x264-PSYCHD

♪ What's the use
in cuttin' loose ♪

♪ If you're livin"
in the past? ♪

♪ One step forward
and two steps back ♪

♪ Well, what's the point
of that? ♪

♪ You think about
the years you've lost ♪

♪ And it cuts you
like a knife ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la ♪

♪ You've got to let go
and look for hope ♪

♪ And somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ Yeah, and somehow
you'll survive ♪

♪ You pass it by,
and when it gets lonely ♪

♪ Go to anywhere ♪

♪ And you don't know
the state you're in ♪

♪ And you don't even care ♪

♪ Fall in line
and lend a hand ♪

♪ To a man who tries to cry ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ You've got to let go
and look for hope ♪

♪ And somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ Yeah, and somehow
you'll survive ♪

♪ So hard
to hold your head up ♪

♪ When it's spinnin'
'round and 'round ♪

♪ You think about
the life you had ♪

♪ Now it's all turned
upside down ♪

♪ Oh, you know, you know ♪

♪ You can do it if you try ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la ♪

♪ Life is never easy ♪

♪ When you're really
feelin' down ♪

♪ You'll drag your feet
up Sunny Street ♪

♪ Turn it all around ♪

♪ Don't sing along
to the sad man's song ♪

♪ "H's a bitch
and then you die" ♪

♪ You've got to let go
and look for hope ♪

♪ And somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ You'll survive ♪

♪ Somehow you'll survive ♪

♪ And somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ You know,
somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ You'll survive... ♪

You don't happen to know

if these are designated
in the same way

as they are in the U.K.,
do you?

They way they're numbered,
according to lead size?

You don't know if the numbering
system for pencils is universal?

We would have no way
of knowing that.

No.

No, well, it looks
like it could be.

I... I think
I'll assume it is.

Do you sell paper in individual
sheets or just in the pads?

What?

I'll hang on to those
while you look around.

All right.

Doesn't seem to be anything
here about acid content.

It usually says on the label
whether it's acid-free or not.

All paper in this country
is acid-free.

Really?

That's how it goes.

Guess it's true what they say
about how far ahead

of the rest of the world
you Americans are.

That's... that's wonderful.

You, uh,
with an art group?

No, just... just on my own.

On some kind of...

personal tour, then?

No.

But you're an artist, right?

You're not a... tourist?

Harold is just trying to find
out your purpose in being here.

My purpose?

He won't be happy, honey, till
you tell him why you're here.

Well, I've always wanted
to visit your fine country.

I hope I have enough American
money to pay for all this.

It's the only kind we accept.

$48... that's more
than enough, isn't it?

You okay?

Sorry.
I just need some, uh...

Colored pastels?

- Sleep.
- For your landscapes?

I don't do landscapes...
just portrait.

You come all the way
from England in the fall,

with all our beautiful foliage,
to draw faces?

This comes to...

Why, look at that.

$48 exactly.

You wouldn't happen to know

if there's a good hotel
in the area, would you?

Joanie Fisher
usually has rooms.

Now, her husband...

there's a face that'll
move you on to do landscapes.

Battlefield Inn...
straight up that street there.

You want to draw
a portrait of Fisher?!

Well, I was just told
that his face looked...

His face looks like roadkill!

But you will ask him?

I can't wait.

There you go, Mr. Ware.

Room 11... one of our best.

It's up the stairs on the left.

Mr. Ware?

Do you have urgent business
to attend to this morning?

Why don't you just go to your
room and get a few hours' sleep.

Just tell me what time
you want to wake up,

and I'll hold all your calls...
how does that sound?

There won't be any calls.
I don't know anyone over here.

Well, maybe a call
from England.

Nobody in England
knows I'm here.

Oh, God.

Sorry. I didn't know
jet lag could be like this.

I've never had
my hair hurt before.

Ohhhh, Mr. Ware.

I don't like to see
one of our guests so gloomy.

Why don't you help yourself

to any of our local-interest
brochures there.

You might find something
in there to pick you up,

give you a little memory or two
to take back to England.

No, it's memories
that I've come here to forget.

Memories... of something?

Or...

- someone?
- Oh. Oh, God.

Oh...

A woman.

An Englishwoman?

Welsh.

Well, half Welsh.

Half Welsh and half...?

Monster.

My, we are in a bad way.

Oh, what's the bloody point?

The point is, Mr. Ware,
you're our guest here

and part of our job is to do
everything in our power

to be sure that
our guests enjoy themselves.

And if that means...

Battlefield Inn...

one of them

has to talk an ex-girlfriend
out of their system...

Joanie Fisher speaking...

then so be it.

Oh, hi, Mandy.
How are you?

Mandy, I just have
a small incident

to attend to in the lobby.

A dog? Uh, no.

No, that's...

Just one of our friends
from England.

I'll call you right back,
Mandy.

So, listen,
while you're asleep,

I'm gonna call my friend Mandy
back, get her to come over.

She is a trained caregiver.

Oh, God, no.

No, I mean, really.
This... it's fine.

Oh, no, Mandy's wonderful
with people, Mr. Ware,

and she's a firsthand authority
on broken relationships.

She'd just love a psychological
challenge on this scale.

Here we go.

I don't...
I don't think I need...

Here you go...
Room 11, Mr. Ware.

Here.
This'll help you sleep.

I don't take prescription...

Ah, you do now.

Swallow.

Swallow.

Now, are you okay
to get yourself to bed?

...get yourself to bed?

Now I'm gonna go
speak to Fisher

about your suggestion,

and we'll see you later, okay?

...on some kind
of personal tour, then?

...to draw faces?

I'll hold...

Will you do something for me?

I don't want you to talk.
I just...

I want you to think.

I want you to think of the most
peaceful place you've ever been.

And if you're willing
to do that,

then... then just nod.

You're the caregiver.

I want you to make it a place

that's so beautiful
and so peaceful

that one day,
you'd like to go back there

and stay a long, long time.

- Well, if you really...
- I don't want you to talk.

Just... just nod.

And while you're doing that,
I want you to make it a place

that's beyond
time and space itself.

Are you doing that?

You're not doing that?

Why not?

Why not?

You can talk to tell me that.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

What does that mean, exactly...
"beyond time and space"?

You don't know what
"beyond time and space" means?

No, it's a concept
of which I have no...

Don't worry about the concept.

Just think of
a beautiful, peaceful place.

Do you want to tell me
what it is?

It's, uh, it's a beach.

What kind of beach?

It's, uh,
a sort of a sandy one.

And where is this sandy beach?

The Canaries.

The whats?

The Canary Islands.

Vera and I got a cheap deal.

Vera being the person
that you came here to forget?

Maybe it's better not to choose
a place you went with her.

Try thinking of...
of the most peaceful place

that you've ever been
without Vera.

Everywhere I've ever been,
I've been with Vera.

Well, there must be somewhere
where Vera Wasn't with you.

Do you want to tell me
where it is?

A room.

And are you at peace
in this room?

Is it a quiet, tranquil room?

Mm-hmm.

Do you want to stay there
forever and ever?

And there's no Vera.

Colin, there's no Vera?

I'm sorry.

Listen, I...
you've really helped,

but I actually think
this is about as peaceful

as I'm going to get for now.

Okay, well... I'll go.

But can I, um...

can I just ask you
a question?

Um...

I mean, most people,
when they go through a breakup,

you know, they go
through a state of shock

and they get depressed
and they want to be alone.

I know I did.

But they don't usually fly
to the other side of the world.

You and Vera must have
been really close.

I was on her mailing list.

"Mr. And Mrs. Keith Edwards

"request the pleasure
of your company

"at the marriage of their
daughter Vera Samantha

to Mr. Roger Pelham."

Ohhh.

Did you know
this Roger Pelham guy?

That's the first
I've heard of him...

on my fiancée's
wedding invitation.

Vera was your fiancée?

I could see why
you'd want to leave London,

but why would you
come here?

I mean,
it's none of my business.

No, not at all.

A person has a right to know
why someone's in their town.

You seem to hear, anyway.

No, no, I should go.

It was the name, really.

Maybe I got you wrong.

Maybe instead of, um,
an emotional voyage,

what you need is a bodily one.

Maybe instead of, um, asking you
to imagine a beautiful place,

I should take you there
physically.

Have you ever heard
of our Spring Gardens?

Well, I'm free right now,
and I can take you.

My car's right outside.
But, um, only if you want to.

That's very kind, but, uh...

I think I'm meeting up
with Mr. Fisher shortly.

Hmm.

You know, it's the guys
that don't think they need help

that need help the most.

Do you put me
in that category?

Well, a guy
who flew to another country

just to cry in a motel room

in a town that he only chose
'cause it's called Hope?

Yeah. I put you
in that category.

Well, what about tomorrow?

Cool.

Pick me up at about 10:00?

Sure.

Splendid.

Splendid.

How do I look?

You have a naturally
dramatic face, Mr. Fisher.

And hopefully,
if this works out,

we'll be able to emphasize
that quality even more.

Hmm? Dramatic, eh?

Now, is that a position
that you can hold

for 30 minutes or so?

I could do that.

If you'd just like to put your
hands comfortably on your lap.

Once you finish your, uh...

Are we allowed to talk?

Uh, yeah, yeah,
we can talk... calmly.

So, Mandy told Joanie,
who told Tina the cleaner,

who told me what happened
over there in your homeland.

Sorry, would you mind
just tipping your head?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, maybe not
quite that much.

You know what...
if you, um...

if you just keep your eyes
on a fixed point,

then sometimes that way,
your head stays still.

Well, listen, my friend...

once the pain wears off,
I'm telling you,

you'll be a far better
and stronger man

than if it never
happened at all.

- It never does wear off.
- Oh, sure it does.

That's the one good thing
about pain. It wears off.

You know, I was
having a think earlier.

About six months ago,
she... she took up yoga.

She joined a local club,
and, uh, it made her happy.

I remember thinking, "How can
yoga make anyone that happy?"

And she was never happier

than when the swami started
them on partner exercises.

Swami?

Mm-hmm.
Yes, the swami.

He'd pair them off, and they'd
all be sitting on the floor

back to back
with locked arms,

and they'd pull against
each other and chant things.

Chanting?

Oh, boy.

I was just thinking maybe
that was it, you know?

Where they were all
paired off, and, uh...

and that was
the moment, you know,

when maybe I lost her,
you know?

'Cause... 'cause maybe...
I don't know.

Maybe the guy
she was paired off with

was this... this Roger Pelham.

Colin, would you like
a cup of tea or something?

No, no, I'm fine.
Thanks.

Fisher?

I can't turn my head
right now.

I'll have to
talk to you later.

Should that shadow
be coming down

over Fisher's mouth like that?

It's dramatic, Joanie.

Fisher has such
fine lips. I...

I hope they'll show.

No, they'll be shown
to full effect, Mrs. Fisher,

just as soon as we lose
that mayonnaise.

I think it's okay
to call me Joanie now.

Joanie, let the man work.

So... Roger Pelham?

Well, that was it, really...
I was just thinking back

to all those times
I picked her up,

and I'd be sitting
in the car outside,

waiting for her to come out
of the yoga club, and...

just watching them
come out, and...

Just trying to remember
what they all looked like,

because...

well, one of the men
I used to see

would have been...
would have been, um...

Did they have a kind of,
um... a glazed expression?

Could they be described
as, uh... transfixed?

See, from what
you're saying, you know,

uh, delirium and swamis
and chants

and, you know, glazed
expressions and things,

I hate to say it, my friend,

but I think you have gone
and lost your good woman

to a cult.

Colin?

Joanie!

Colin...

all you have any business
thinking about at this point

is movin' on.

Now, maybe folks over in England
sit around chewing on the past,

but over here,
that ain't done much.

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ One million light-years
from home ♪

♪ Throwin' up
and feelin' small ♪

♪ And where have I gone
and landed tonight? ♪

♪ I've been shot
right to the core ♪

♪ Of NYC and hostility, yeah ♪

♪ But you gotta laugh ♪

♪ 'Cause there's somethin'
that I can't do without ♪

♪ And it's in your hand ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

Um, before you get out,
could I just say something?

Of course.

Excuse me.
I just need a little...

Ohh...

Do you want some?

Uh, not this morning, thanks.

Yeah, you're gonna have to drive
us back. You can drive, right?

Well, on the left, I can,
but I'm not very, uh...

Over at the Shining Shores,

I really feel like
I'm helping people.

A lot of people never get
that feeling, but...

- Shining Shores?
- The rest home where I work...

and live.

Uggggh.

God... when I was
in high school,

the things we used to do
in there.

Non-botanical things?

Non-botanical things!

- Yeah... yes.
- What ho, Jeeves!

I'm just wondering if this
really is the best time

for us to be...
trying to take this in.

Uhhhh!

You know, if I was back
in high school,

I would've just thrown this
out in the street!

I wouldn't have cared.

Like somebody walking
over broken glass...

like, who gives a shit?!

But I'm not like that now.

Now I'm responsible
and mature and boring.

I'm sorry.

It's you that's supposed to be
getting the therapy from this.

Uh, listen, Mandy...

I think, if I drive
very, very slowly,

we might stand a small chance of
getting back to the motel alive.

I'm really sorry about this.

That's okay.

See, I-I was just nervous.

Are we going back
to your room?

Sorry?

I mean, I need some coffee.

Ah, right, yes, of course.

We're, like,
hardly moving here.

I think you'll find
we're moving.

♪ Your ride, best trip ♪

♪ Always, I know ♪

- ♪I You'll be at my show ♪
- No, don't! No, no, no, don't!

No! Oh! Oh!

No!

No, stop! No, no! No!
No, no, no! Stop!

- Aaaaah!
- Aaaaah!

Whooooooooooo!

♪ The night will go on,
my little windmill ♪

Wow.

Did you do these?

It's Fisher.
That's incredible.

He looks almost...

Lifelike?

Handsome.

And she's beautiful.

Who's that?

Oh. Sorry.

I decided last night I'm gonna
put together an exhibition...

portraits of people
here in this town.

Thought it might
take my mind off things.

Well, I know
every face in town,

so if you need
a face-finder, I'm your man.

I'm sure you've got better
things to do with your time

than to go around
looking for faces for me.

Anyway, coffee.

Are you happy, Colin?

Generally speaking, yes.

Why are you happy?

It's probably 'cause
we're not both being scraped

off the front of a truck.

Little things like that
tend to cheer me up.

No coffee for me, thanks.

Can I ask you a question?

What do you want?

'Cause you seem like
the kind of person that...

you wouldn't get mad at me

no matter what I said,
no matter what I did.

You wouldn't, would you?

Well, it depends.

I'm gonna do something

that I've never done before
ever in my whole life.

I'm gonna close the curtains.

Y...

You've never unbuttoned
your blouse before?

Well, not for this reason.

I've taken off my clothes
for other reasons, obviously,

but not for this one.

This one...
this one being what, exactly?

Well, when I was really little,
whenever I got really happy,

I just got
this uncontrollable desire

just to take off
all my clothes.

And when I was really little,
I was happy a lot, obviously,

so I would just take them off
any-old-where,

and people would be shocked,
and I'd get in trouble.

It's funny,
but, um, with you,

I don't even feel
self-conscious.

Well, that's good, I-I think.

I mean, this is the first time

I've ever taken off my clothes
for joyfulness

with someone else in the room,
and it's wonderful.

'Cause when you go off
by yourself

and you take off
your clothes in private,

you know, you might be
expressing your joy,

but you always knew that you had
to go off by yourself to do it.

So, um... the joy
is never quite complete.

Incomplete joy.

Try it yourself if you want.

It feels wonderful.

It has nothing to do with sex,
if that's what you're thinking.

No, I wasn't.

I mean, most men
would think that it did,

but I can tell you're someone
who can accept it

for what it is, and that's why
I feel comfortable enough

to do it with you.

But go on.

It feels wonderful.

Well, I might just try...
taking some of them off.

Not some of them...
all of them.

I'm not sure I'm quite
as joyful as you are yet.

Well, you Will be
once they're off.

I mean, I bet you've had sex
with your clothes on before.

If I have,
it was a long time ago.

Well, there you go,
you see?

Two people with their clothes
off aren't gonna have sex

any more than two people
with their clothes on

would... not have sex.

I think people with their
clothes off have it more often.

I don't know if there
have been any surveys.

That might be true,
but that's not the point.

Although, um, it kinda
does seem like we might.

Does it seem that way to you?

I feel like
it could go either way.

Well, if it does go that way,

maybe we should
put our clothes back on.

Back on? To have sex?

Because that way,
we wouldn't risk spoiling

the feeling of joy
we're feeling right now,

the innocent kind of joy.

Why take the chance
of spoiling that?

Would we take... would we take
them back off again afterwards?

What?

I'm just asking.

If... if... if...
after we had sex...

I mean,
if that's the way it went...

would... would we take
our clothes back off afterwards?

Don't you wear underwear?

Oh, I left home in a hurry.
I couldn't find...

I don't know about you, but I'm
starting to feel kinda cold.

I guess Joanie and Fisher are
trying to save on the heating.

What are you doing?

I have no idea.

I think I'm just sort of stuck

between the innocent joy
and the other kind.

It's a very strange sensation.

Come in the bed, Colin.

Yes, okay, maybe that'd help.

Now, w-we're definitely moving

towards the non-innocent kind
now, aren't we?

That's the thing
about the innocent kind...

you never know
when it's gonna come.

You never know
when it's gonna go.

Like right now,
it's totally gone.

So shouldn't I be
keeping my shirt on?

I think you're making all this
much more complicated

than it needs to be.

Actually, it's all
just clicked into place.

We don't have to
talk about it anymore?

No, the whole concept
just became crystal-clear.

Sorry.

I think
there's one part of me

that still finds this all
a bit complicated.

It's probably
just a first-date thing.

You don't have sex
on first dates?

I don't have first dates.

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ So don't forget it ♪

♪ It's just some silly phase
that I'm goin' through ♪

♪ And just because ♪

♪ ' I call you up ♪'

♪ Hey, don't get me wrong ♪

♪ Don't think
that you got it made ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ It's just because ♪

♪ I'd like to see you ♪

♪ But then again ♪

♪ That doesn't mean
you mean that much to me ♪

♪ So if I call you ♪

♪ Don't make no fuss ♪

I'm king of the world!

♪ Don't tell your friends
about the two of us ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ I No, no ♪

♪ I Oh, it's just because fl

Aah! Aah!

♪ I keep your picture ♪

♪ Up on my wall ♪

- Chanting...
- ♪I It hides a nasty stain ♪

...♪I That's lying there ♪

♪ So don't you ask me ♪

♪ To give it back ♪

♪ You know it doesn't mean
that much to me ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Oh, it's just because ♪

♪ Ooooh, you wait a long time
for me ♪

♪ Ooooh, you wait a long time
for me ♪

♪ What's the matter?
Big boys don't cry ♪

♪ Ooooh, you wait a long time
for me ♪

♪ Ooooh, you wait a long time
for me ♪

♪ What's the matter?
Big boys don't cry ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ So just forget it ♪

♪ It's just a silly phase
that I'm goin' through ♪

Non-innocent kind.

♪ Hey, I'm not in love ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ I must confess it can feel
good to feel pain ♪

♪ Like breakin' waves
or gettin' caught in the rain ♪

♪ Playin' those games ♪

♪ 'cause we had nothin' to do ♪

♪ I was oblivious
I was losin' to you ♪

Look, Johnny, my dear Ol' dad

wears his tie tucked
into his pants all the time.

Is that Colin Ware,
renowned British artist?

Come on in, Colin.

Webster, this is Colin.
Show him.

Don't say anything.
Let him form his own opinion.

Come on, be brave.

Tell us what you think, Colin.

Well, it's the cannon, right?

Oh, I don't know.
You tell us. You tell us.

Looks just fine to you,
does it?

Well, it's maybe just a little
more flesh-colored

than the original.

It's okay.
We can fix the color.

He's English.

He's too polite to say it,
but he's thinking it.

Look at it, Colin.
What does it look like?

Doug, no one wears a tie
tucked in like this.

Now, look, Mr. Ware,
in your opinion,

does the cannon on this tie
in any way resemble a...

What do they call them
over there?

- Gee, I don't know. You ask him.
- A penis?

A penis... a big, huge penis.

Thank you.
Thank you, jury's spoken.

Take a chair, Ware.

Now, listen to me.

Go back and have your people
come up with another concept,

not a goddamn
Viagra commercial.

Excuse me, but...

God!

It is hell being a visionary.

Ware, have you been able to try
any of our... our springwater?

Now... now, this springwater

comes from deeper in the Earth
than your other springwater,

so... it's older water.

Now, you might not think
you want older water.

Sounds like maybe I do.

Oh, yes.

Old is good, Colin.

Old is good,
so says my mineralogy expert,

and I do not keep
"Rock Man" Ray on the payroll

just to yank my chain.

Good, don't you think?

It's a very nice,
fresh taste.

It's a very nice, old,
fresh taste.

You can taste the old,
can't you?

Statewide marketing
begins next month,

and we wanted to call it
"H2ope,"

but we're having a hard time
getting it cleared.

"Hope Springs Eternal"
is the working title right now.

Pretty good,
don't you think?

So, you have come all the way
over here from the land of 007

to, uh, draw some pictures
of our local people

for some sort of exhibition...
what, you got a name yet?

- Sorry?
- For the show.

Name for the show.

Images...
Images of Hope...

Birthplace of American Art.

Now, that's got
a nice ring to it.

Yeah, yeah.

But how is Hope the birthplace
of American art?

Oh, come on, don't be silly.

I'm just trying to help.
Don't be that way.

So, am I good, sitting
right here au naturel?

Yeah, you're fine
right as you are.

- Right about there?
- Yeah.

How about that right there?

Yeah.

Here we go...
right about there.

Is that good right there?
How's that?

How about the hands...
up here?

No, too stuffy, too stuffy.

Just like this.
Here we go.

Hands down here?

Hands there.

This is fun.

What do you do?
Do you just use pencils?

It's charcoal.

Wha...

Oh, that's right. You do all the
coloring-in at a later juncture.

Sorry I moved.
I moved, sorry.

Uh, no, I don't paint.

You don't paint?

Young Miss Morton
led me to believe

I was... I was sitting
for a portrait.

You are.

A pencil portrait?!

Look, hold...
could you stop, please?

Mr. Ware? Thank you.
Uh, look, Colin...

Every day for
the last three years,

I've had to sit there and stare
across at that monstrosity.

"It's our heritage," they say.

"You can't take down a painting
of the most important man

in this town's history,"
they say.

I say the most important man
in our town's history

is sitting right here,
staring up at that jerk.

Who is that?

Some Welsh dick.

Welsh?

Yeah.

The guy
who founded this place.

Somebody Edwards.

- Edwards?
- Yeah.

Doug Reed.

Yeah, look, Brad,
this is all I'm saying...

it's the Cannon Ball
next week,

and we don't have
any goddamn merchandise.

Look, anything...
key-chain replicas,

cannon toothbrush holders
for the kiddies... come on!

Hey, how about... cannon-styled
musical toilet seats

that play "Bridge Over Troubled
Water" when you take a dump?!

Figure it out, Brad!
Get to work!

Uh, this journal...

What?!

Of 1741...

Yeah?

What about it?

Well, it's just...
it's this paper...

you can, uh, you can tell
by the grain that it's...

it's contemporary.

I mean, it's a fake.

It's, uh, it's quite a good
fake, actually, but, uh,

it, uh, it just seems to have
been done on some sort of, um...

Computer program?

Yeah, maybe, or possibly
just some sort of, uh...

Computer program?

My computer program?

You have software
that produces fake documents?

Naughty mayor...
naughty, naughty mayor.

So, listen, Picasso...

You gonna do me a grown-up
painting or not?

Because if you could...
I'm telling you, friend,

I'll give you the freedom
of the town,

the key to the city.

You name your pleasure,

I cannot tell you
what it would mean to me

to have a proper portrait
up there

of Doug Reed,
the man who gave us Hope,

instead of that asshole!

Hello, I'm
looking for a friend of mine.

I was wondering if he might be
staying here... name of Ware.

Ware?

Ware.

Ware, you say.

Yes. Colin Ware.

Let me just look
and see if, um,

if we have anyone here
by that name

at the Inn, or...

Not.

Ware...

Ware...

Ware...

Room 11... the English guy's
in Room 11.

Room 11. Thanks.

Uh, he went out.

Sorry?

He went out...
early this morning.

I thought you didn't know
who he was.

I-I remember him now.
The artist fellow, right?

Now, he... he went out
at the crack of dawn

with all his
artist-fellow things.

Well, he's back. He even
let me in his room to clean.

Oh, right.

Thank you again for that,
Tina.

Uh, uh, uh...

you must sign
the visitors' book.

Sorry?

Well, all guests must sign
the visitors' book.

Okay.

Okay.

Where is it?

Where's what?

The visitors' book.

- Tina!
- Yeah?!

What did you do
with the visitors' book?

We got a visitors' book?

See... what the hell?

Shall we just forget the
formalities on this occasion?

Thanks.

Colin, I know
I don't exactly deserve

the red-carpet treatment,

but after 5,000 miles
and 20 hotel reception desks,

I do think that the least
you could do is invite me in

away from the stares of the
very eccentric management here.

How did you know
I was here, Vera?

I spoke to Jeremy
at the gallery.

He told me
how excited he was

about this exhibition
he's planning for the new year

of drawings that you've been
doing in America

in a place called Hope.

Wow. I can see
he has every reason to be.

Oh...

Aren't you on your honeymoon?

Oh, this isn't going to be
smooth, Colin.

There's no use pretending

that anything either of us
can say will make this anything

other than the most awkward
moment we've ever had.

No ashtrays...
what a surprise.

Look... I think we should do

what you always say
we should do.

We should just rise above
our emotions with maturity.

Okay.

Good fucking wedding, was it?

Look, I have nothing to say in
my defense... nothing, nothing.

I did a terrible thing...
a terrible thing.

This is a no-smoking room.

Colin, I've come halfway
across the world to explain,

and you won't let me
have a cigarette.

Explain?

There's no Roger Pelham.

Hmm?

There is no Roger Pelham.

Oh, God.

Oh, Colin, I was just
so sick of dropping hints

and you failing to spot them
as only you could.

Oh, God, look...

We have been engaged forever.

I just wanted
to jolt you into action.

I misjudged it.
I made a mistake.

The invitation was a joke?!

Well, no, it wasn't a joke.
It was just a bigger hint.

Tsk.

The last few weeks have been
a nightmare, Colin.

I have been at my wits' end
since you disappeared.

Day after day
without a word...

I mean, I literally
went to pieces, Colin.

I was calling everyone
all day, all night.

When Jeremy finally told me
that you were all right,

I can't tell you the relief.

I just wept solidly
for 10 minutes.

10? I'm touched.

The only thing that held me
together was that knowing

when this was over, you and I
have a good laugh about it,

because that's
what we always do.

- Vera...
- Now, the thing is, Colin...

Please, just go. Go.
Please.

But I can't tell you
how mu...

Where are you underpants?

You're not wearing
any underpants.

Well, as you can imagine,

I was a tad preoccupied
when I was leaving the flat.

Are you going out for a walk?

I know how you like to go for
a walk when you want to think.

The last thing I want to do
right now, Vera, is think.

Well, if you have to go out,
I shall just wait.

Vera, don't wait.

Colin?

Colin...

What?

What's this?

That's a machine
for drying hair, Vera.

It's called a hair drier.

Yes, I know what it is, Colin,
but you don't use one.

Is this supplied by the motel?

Is there one like this
in every room? Colin?

Can't you answer
a simple question?

A simple one, I could,
just not that one.

What?! It was a joke,
and she's not married...

she's still single,
and she's here?

It hasn't affected
our relationship in any way.

She just came out
to apologize.

She's gonna turn straight 'round
and go back home again.

Is she allergic
to the telephone?

I'm sorry, had you not planned
on having sleeping people

in your exhibition?

He is just asleep, isn't he?

Like I'd bring you all the way
down here to draw a dead person.

So, are you just
gonna forgive her?

How could you forgive someone

after they did
something like that to you?

It's the only way...

forgive and forget.

A-And do your forgiving
while you can...

'cause when you get to my age,

all you can get to do
is the, um,

the, um...
the, um...

The forgetting?

Yeah, that's it...
the forgetting.

"My darling Vera..."

"Darling"?

"Dear Vera."

"Vera...

"I know as well as you do

"that the cruel joke you played
was wholly out of character,

"and although it hurt me
beyond description,

"I write you now, firstly,

"to thank you for coming
all this way to apologize,

"but more importantly,
to tell you..."

To haul your bony ass
all the way back again.

"More importantly,

to tell you that
I forgive you for it 100%."

"As a result
of your actions, though,

"both our lives have now
taken on a new direction.

"Any attempt to resume
our physical relationship

"would, I believe, cheapen the
new plateau of mutual affection

"that has been born
out of this crisis.

"Your journey here
was much appreciated,

"but too much damage has been
done for our romance to survive.

We wish you a very pleasant
return flight."

We...

"Goodbye, Vera.

Your friend, Colin."

What is it?

I don't know.

Just never seems to work out...

when I fall in love.

When you fall in what?

What time do you
have to be at work?

Soon.

But not that soon.

Are you looking forward to that?
You can get all dressed up.

Oh, it's not as much fun
getting dressed up

when you can't do it yourself.

Well, when I'm through with you,

you're gonna look better than
the Queen of Hope herself.

Ready?

Yes.

Whoa-hoe'.!

Can I just say something
before we start?

I don't know if...
if Mandy mentioned,

but I'm pretty heavily
into the Lord,

and I was just wondering

if you could just sort of
convey a sort of a...

a feeling of... of...
of inner happiness.

Something like that,
like an inner light.

'Cause there's two things

I want to come through
in the picture.

One, that I'm a swimmer,

but, two,
that I'm also a Christian.

You're sure you'll be all right
just standing there, yeah?

Like I say, sir,

God blessed me
with fabulous circulation.

What about my goggles...
are they straight?

Oh, they're just perfect.

And, Rob, please...
don't call me "sir."

Mandy told me about
what that fiancée of yours

over there in England
did to you.

She's in town, right?

Uh, no, she's gone home now.

Satan's amazing, isn't he?

I mean, one minute
you're going along,

leading this ordinary life,
everything's normal,

then, whoosh!

Satan just creeps up behind you
and sucks you into a cult!

Yeah, Rob, I'm just
doing your mouth now,

so would you mind just... just
keeping it closed for a minute?

Oh, God...

Come on, Granny.

How could anyone do that?

What?

You're Vera, right?

How could anyone do
something that mean?

And you are...

Mandy.

Um...

The mean thing I did...

I assume
that you're referring

to the game I played
on Colin Ware.

- Yeah.
- Good.

Well, now that
we've established your name

and what you're
talking about,

could we also establish whether
you have a red hair drier?

What?

A cheap, plastic,
red, portable hair drier...

do you have one?

- Yes, she does.
- Thank you.

Do you smoke, Mandy?

No, not since high school.

How very healthy.

Did you go to school
around here, then...

Hope High or something?

- Hope Regional.
- Regional.

Yeah, it's over there.
You can't see it from here.

You seem like a nice person.

Not really.

She's an angel!

I'm sure Colin
wouldn't spend time

with anyone who wasn't nice.

Well, I'm sure
you're very nice, too.

Yes, I'm sure
that you and me and Colin

are all totally delightful
people.

I do feel at a slight
disadvantage, though,

knowing nothing more about you

other than the direction
of your old school

and the color
of your hair drier.

Most presumably,
you know rather more about me.

Colin must have talked
about me.

We mostly talk
about other things.

Really? Like what?

Like the normal things
that normal people talk about.

What, like the weather?

We've talked about the weather.

What sort of day it is...
whether it's warm or cold.

Yeah, or windy.

- Or raining, even.
- Or snowing.

- Has it been snowing here?
- No, not yet.

Oh, I see. You were rehearsing
for a future conversation.

Aren't you holding up traffic?

Is this where you work?

Whining Whores...

Shining Shores.

Oh... right.

Oh, come on, surely
he must have said something

about his life
back in England.

Barely anything.

So you don't know about...

About what?

The, um, operation.

What operation?

Has Colin not mentioned
his father?

Presumably, Mandy,
Colin hasn't told you

because he is blocking it out.

And that's why
he's staying up here.

He's living in some sort
of dreamworld,

drawing away... beautiful
scenery, beautiful company.

Meanwhile,
back on Planet England,

doctors and hospitals
and constant worrying,

and a very, very sick father.

It's why I'm still here.

Someone has to bring him back
to his senses, you know?

Back to his responsibilities.

Back home.

The truth is,

the longer he stays
hiding away from it all,

the less likely he is
to ever see his dad again.

You're very nice, I'm sure,

but you're not exactly helping.

I'm sorry
if that came out...

Say, you couldn't do me
a favor, could you?

Just a little one.

I don't want you to feel
like an errand girl,

so please do say
if you'd rather not.

But I was going to
drop these off myself,

but you're probably
going over there anyway...

You sure you don't mind?

It's just, the other morning,
I noticed he didn't put any on.

It would be great
if you could give them to him.

I'll see you, Mandy.

Hello?

Hi, it's me.

It's Colin.

What do you want?

You asked me over.

Uh, are you
going to come in,

or are you just gonna stand
there with the door open?

It's my apartment.

I can stand where I want
in my apartment.

I've never seen one of these.
Mind if I sit in it?

If you have to.

Suppose, uh, the idea
is you just...

well, you sort of
lower yourself, hmm?

Don't be an idiot, Colin.

I'm sure you've sat
in one of those before.

Now, Mandy, I've done many
disreputable things in my life,

but telling lies about
sitting in butterfly chairs

is lower than even I would go.

Having said that, I think this
is the lowest I've ever been.

These are for you.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Thank you very much...
very thoughtful.

Well, don't thank me.
Thank Vera.

Bumped into Vera?

Yesterday, and she said
that you needed those

'cause she said
she saw you without them.

No, no, that was
just when she first arrived.

I had been in the shower.

Colin, you've been cheating
on me, and worse...

you've been using me.

Christ, what has that woman
been telling you?

I thought we had something
really special.

We do.

But you never mentioned once
the things that matter to you.

Do you know
how much that hurts me...

to realize how little
that I mean to you?

I mean, I look back on it,

and it was all just a way
for you to take your mind

off of what
was going on in England.

And what is going on
in England?

What?

Your father's surgery.

Vera told you about
my father's operation?

Did she tell you
what it was for?

She couldn't bring herself
to go into much detail.

No. No,
that's understandable.

- Should I tell you?
- No, it's too late.

No, I want to tell you.

It started last year when
my parents were moving house.

They hired a removals company

to, uh, you know, to ship
most of the furniture...

beds, sofas, and so forth.

But some of
the smaller stuff...

you know, the odd chair,
paintings...

they moved themselves.

My father was...

carrying this chair
up the stairs in the new house

when, uh...

It's okay.

No, it was a very big,
heavy wooden chair.

- And, uh...
- You don't have to tell me.

No, no. It's all right.

It helps to talk about it.

Well, as he was going up
the stairs with this chair,

he dropped it...
and it landed on his foot.

We had all forgotten about it
until a few weeks later

when suddenly his big toe
started kind of... curling in.

And for months,

my mother tried to get him
to see somebody about it

until finally, as a treat
on her birthday, he did.

And do you know what the
shocking diagnosis was, Mandy?

Ingrown toenail.

Naturally,
we were all devastated.

As far as his chances of
recovery, they're pretty good.

Somebody else
who shall remain nameless

whose chances of survival
just plummeted to zero...

Perhaps you can understand now

why I kept it from you
for so long.

Hello?

Hi, Mandy,
is Colin there with you?

Yeah, he is.

There's a Vera Edwards
on the line.

Okay, put her through.

It's your friend.

Hello, Vera.
Have a good flight back?

I need to talk to you.

- Okay.
- I mean face-to-face.

I'm not gonna be back
in England till at least...

- No, I'm still here in Hope.
- Sorry?

I'm not going back
until you come back with me.

Meet me tomorrow
at the golf course... 3:00.

Oh, great, actually,
that's great.

Well, say hello to everybody,
uh, back... back there.

And, uh, well,
what's the weather like

over... over there?

Good, and I'll do it...

Okay, bye. Bye, then.

So, you like butterflies,
then?

Well, that's it, you see...

I'm not going back
until you come back with me.

Vera,
why are you still here,

and why are we meeting
on a golf course?

'Cause I can't possibly have
this conversation

without having a cigarette,

and this is apparently
the only place

in the entire United States
where I can smoke.

You got your knickers
all right, then?

Oh, yes.
Thank you very much.

Yes, I did,
and you got my fax, did you?

Yes, thank you.
I was very touched.

Just not quite touched enough
to do anything about it.

I presume your friend
told you

about the little chat we had
the other day.

Oh, yes, that would be the one
about our continuing sex life

and my father's
life-threatening operation.

Will you just light
that cigarette

so we can get whatever this is
over with?

She seems like
a very sweet person... Mandy.

Mmm...

She's so vivacious
and bubbly and fun.

Oh, right,
so you think she's stupid.

I can see how
you might be charmed

by her childlike,
spiritual innocence.

By the way,
is it Mandy with a "Y"

or Mandy with an "I" with
a little circle above it?

Vera, let me just
tell you something...

If you're going to tell me
that she's Manson material,

I'm going to have to go
and get more cigarettes.

Is that her...
long-term career...

washing old people's bottoms?

Which is better...
washing old people's bottoms

or choosing photos for your
vacuous fashion magazine?

Um... can I get back to you
on that one?

Oh, you know what?
I've had enough. I'm off.

Oh, Colin, wait, wait, wait.
Don't go. Come back.

Would you just kindly tell me
what you brought me here to say?

I love you.

And I want you to stop this
nonsense and come back home.

What is that?

Called a cigarette...
step any closer and you die.

You can't smoke here.

No, apparently you can.
My friend read it in the rules.

Fiancée.

Ex-fiancée.

You obviously
didn't read the other rules...

for example, the one that says

when you're on the golf course,
you play golf.

And you don't seem to be
playing golf.

You have no clubs.

They were deemed
too dangerous.

The rules clearly state...

- Look, my friend and I...
- Fiancée.

We just needed to have
a private talk together.

Now, we have some deep-seated
personal problems.

Quite by chance,

we find ourselves here
on this beautiful course

as we try to work through
some of these difficult issues,

and you're absolutely right.

Colin, calm down.

This is not the place

to try to come to grips
with private matters,

and if our delicate discussions
have impacted negatively

on your enjoyment of the third
hole, then I apologize!

My hysterical ex-fiancee here

is just on her way
to the airport!

And I am sure your enjoyment
of the rest of the course

will be exactly
as it should be!

Have a pleasant flight!

Colin!

Colin, it's just
a midlife crisis!

You'll get over it!

I hope this one's
better than the last one.

Martha, it looked
really good last time.

I'm not talking
about my hair.

I'm talking about
your boyfriend.

And what do you know
about the last one?

I could tell from the start
it wasn't going to work.

You approached it
in completely the wrong way.

You never even met him.

I'm talking about my hair,
Mandy.

Do keep up.

Anyway, you never know.

This may be your last chance.

Martha,
you're not going anywhere.

I know I'm not, but he may be.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks.

Do you ever think about
my going back to England?

No.

No?

I have a few other things
going on in my life

besides you, you know?

- I think about going back.
- Well, you have to.

You have to make
a reservation and stuff.

I don't want to go back.

- Why not?
- Well, why do you think?

You like America?

Yes. Yeah.

That's not the reason.

There's something else.

Our delicious hamburgers?

Mmm, no, no, it's not...
not hamburgers.

Our humble, friendly ways?

Not the humble,
friendly ways.

Why are you bringing up
all this shit...

just to torture me?

I'm bringing it up because
I don't want to go back alone.

You want someone
to go with you?

Well, yes, but only
if they want to come.

I don't plan to tie them up
and kidnap them.

I mean, I would,
but the airlines

have got rather strict
on hand luggage lately.

Well, if force wasn't an issue

and the person wanted to come
of their own free will,

then... you'd want them
to go with you?

If they weren't too busy

with all the many other things
in their hectic life, yes.

Well, I'm sure that, uh,
if they tried very hard,

they could find some time
to fit you in their schedule.

Oh, really?

What's up?

See the woman by the pool?

Jesus, what does
she think she's doin'?

No, not the cigarettes,
Fisher.

That's Vera.

She's back again,
looking for Colin.

It's really
none of our business.

Fisher,
even you must have noticed

that Anglo-American relations
are reaching an all-time high

over there in Room 11, right?

I heard the headboard,
yes, Joanie.

Right.

So when Mandy comes tootling
back to Colin's room

with this week's groceries,

and when there's blood
in the pool,

and when there's
yellow police tape

wrapped around the entire motel,

and when we're on the front page
of the Hope Herald,

maybe then you might think
it's some of our business.

Uh...

Just go get rid of her.

I-I'm afraid
this is a no-smoking area.

What? America?

I-I'm Fisher,
the, uh, co-manager.

Oh, does it take more than
one person to run this place?

Uh...

So, uh...

you're, uh...

here in America
on your own, then?

Excuse me?

You, uh, didn't come here
with someone else?

No, I came on my own.

I'll take your word for it.

- Sorry?
- If you say so.

- Well, who else...
- Oh, I don't know.

Who knows who else
you might have brought along?

I mean, a certain, uh...
swami, maybe.

Who knows?

Uh, I'm afraid you're gonna
have to vacate this area.

W-We've had trouble
with your kind before.

- What?
- Besides...

we have a maple syrup convention
coming in here at 3:00.

So, immediately, please.

You can tell him I'll keep
coming around until he sees me.

It was very nice of you
to come over.

Like I had an option.

Look, Vera,
this has got to stop.

You shouldn't be here
in America,

and I shouldn't be here
in your room.

I feel like I'm being stalked.

You'll be boiling rabbits next.

Colin, can we please
just stop playing games,

just get back
to the way we were?

Let's just get in my car
and drive to New York

and jump on the first plane
back to London.

Let's just go home.

We've just
become so stale, Vera.

You know, being with Mandy
has taught me something.

You learned something
from Mandy?

We haven't been like lovers
for years... you and I.

We've been like...
brother and sister.

We're more than
just a couple, we're...

Yeah, an institution,
exactly...

inextricably linked like...

I don't know...
Marx and Spencer,

or bacon and eggs, or...

foot and bloody mouth.

We've just been
treading water for years, Vera.

And it's no good, you know.

We can't...
life's too short for that.

And I'm not saying
I never want to see you again.

I'd hate to think,
you know, that...

You know that bit
in your fax...

about the new plateau of
mutual affection that we found?

Exactly, exactly.
We can stay friends.

That mustn't be cheapened.

Precisely.

Oh, God.

I want to cheapen it...

I mean, really cheapen it.

Look, Vera, no.

This is not on.
It's not on.

I promise you, you'll find
something in your life.

Just like I... found in mine...
something exciting and...

Like Venice?

You remember Venice, Colin.

I can't be any clearer
on where we stand.

Now, I'm not leaving until...
no, no, I-I'm leaving.

I'm leaving very soon.

When did you buy this?

Vera, honestly, no,
I'm totally unshakable on this.

Hmm... I can feel
your resolve stiffening.

Oh!

- Aah!
- Come on, come on, come on!

Well, Vera, this seems to be

exactly the right sort of
spectacularly memorable moment

in which
to finally say goodbye.

No, Colin, don't.

Bye, Vera.

I'm not going.

Mnh-mnh. No.

Vera, Vera...

Bye. Bye, Vera.

Hi.

So...

He's not here yet...
the vicar?

No, he's not here.

There's no portrait.
I just wanted to talk to you.

In church?

Yeah, well...

I figured it's the only place
we wouldn't end up having sex.

Have you talked to Vera lately?

Vera?

Oh, you mean
since the phone call.

Uh...

I think I must be having a
problem with my ears or my eyes.

Sorry?

Well, when you talked to
her on the phone,

didn't you ask her what
the weather was like in London?

Yes.

Okay, good.
Well, my ears are okay.

But that must mean my
eye problem is really serious,

'cause last night
I was driving past the Ivy,

and there was
this big commotion...

all these fire engines
and people and everything.

And maybe it's
the early stages of myopia,

but I could've sworn
that I saw Vera there.

But that can't be possible
'cause she was back in England.

And I thought
I saw you, too,

and it looked like
you both had your tongue

down each other's throats.

But that can't be right,
either,

because according to you,
that relationship is over,

and... and I'm
the only one for you.

But the really bad part...
the part that makes me think

I should just run to
the eye doctor right away...

is that it looked to me
like she was...

totally butt naked.

She had underwear on.

Oh, good.

Well, then, there's nothing
for me to worry about.

I'm sorry, Mandy.
I should've told you.

I just can't shake her off.

I went there specifically
to tell her it was all over.

- She set the fire alarm off.
- The sex was that good?

There was no sex.
I was just in there trying...

You were just telling her
how it was all over,

and she took her clothes off,
and the fire alarm went off?

Actually, that's pretty much
exactly how it happened, yeah.

Well, have a good trip back,
Colin.

Do you have a passport?

No.

Don't you think one
might come in handy one day?

I don't want one, okay?

What would it take just to
make you apply for one?

What part of "I don't want one"
don't you understand?

Well, you don't need
a passport...

Bye, Colin.

I love you, Mandy.

There is one thing.

"One thing" what?

If you promise that
you'll never come here again

and that you'll never
call me or write me

or try to see me...

ever...

then I'll go to the town hall,

and if it seems so important
to you, I'll get a passport.

Do you understand
what I just said?

That you'll only get
a passport

if we never see each other
again.

Okay, goodbye, Colin.

But if we never see each other
or talk to each other again,

how will I know
you sent for a passport?

You'll just have to trust me.

Well, goodbye forever, then.

Don't try to make
a joke out of it.

Well, just...
plain goodbye, then.

So... these will be

for your Images of Hope
exhibition, right?

Oh, we liked that,
didn't we, Harold?

Birthplace of American art.

And how's your Mandy?

Oh, but you won't
see much of her

since that fiancée of yours
came to town.

Setting off
the hotel sprinklers.

You wouldn't happen to know what
color underwear I have on today,

just in case you needed
to spread the word around?

Word is,
you don't wear no underwear.

It's uncanny.

F-Funny and serious
all at once...

Brash with just a hint
of impishness...

Pulsating with youthful energy,
while at the same time...

exuding a passionate sense
of... of civic pride.

Oh.

O-Oh. Oh.

Doug, you did say something,
didn't you,

about the key to the city
and all that...

anything I want?

Anything-

Anything you want...
Doug Reed's word is his bond.

You just ask,
and you shall have it.

The true judge of human nature
that I am...

I sense we are about
to have revealed here...

the dark side
of Mr. Colin Ware.

Hmm?

Thanks for meeting me, Col.

I really do have something
to show you.

You won't believe
what happened this morning.

Doug called me
into his office.

Doug?

Doug Reed, the mayor...
you told him all about me.

Oh, right. Sorry. I think
I did mention you in passing.

Well, I think it was more
than just in passing, Colin,

because he knew
my name was Edwards,

he knew that I'm half Welsh,
and he knew that I was here,

which is why
he was so very excited.

I've got to show you this.

This...

is my family tree...

going back 300 years.

Wow.

Doug found this website
in Salt Lake City

that has the genealogy
of everybody in the world.

You just type in
your credit card details

and out comes your family tree.

It's amazing.
You won't believe this.

Here, this is what's...
okay.

Here I am... Vera Edwards.

And there is Alicia.

And then there's my dad.

And there's the person
he married.

Your mother.

Right.

Then there's Grandma Edwards.

And that's her maiden name,
except they've spelt it wrong.

No, they haven't.

Yes, they have.
It's Kendal with one

Then you get up here.
This is where it gets good.

Here is Godwin Edwards
and his wife, Abigail.

Do you know who
those two people are, Colin?

They're everywhere. Look.

Godwin Edwards
and Abigail Edwards...

the people that founded Hope
are my ancestors.

Good heavens.

I know. It's just amazing.
I couldn't believe it.

It's amazing.

But I tell you...
that's just the start.

Is there more?

Oh, yes. Well, okay.

You know there's this annual
Cannon Ball thing

that happens on Saturday?

Apparently, that's when they
choose the new Queen of Hope.

Queen of Hope?

Doug chooses the person who's
going to represent the town

as its Queen... and I mean,
this is the ridiculous thing.

He thinks because
of my family history

that, you know,
I should apply.

To be Queen?

I know. It's preposterous,
isn't it?

I mean, it's absurd,
even for me, isn't it?

Is it?

Well, I don't know...
you see.

I mean, is it something I should
really contemplate doing?

Well, I don't know.

What does being
Queen of Hope involve?

It's just a week of engagements
and things like that.

And actually,
they want the Queen

to promote
the new mineral water this year.

He wants to build a whole
ad campaign around it...

you know, TV spots and
public appearances everywhere

and her picture on the label.

And so, presumably,
you'd have a crown.

Oh, there's
a whole special outfit.

He showed me
lots of old photographs.

Of lots of old Queens?

Of former incumbents.

I know you and I are having
major differences right now,

but I... I could really
use your advice on this.

I can't do this.

I-I can't go on with this.

Go on with what?

This, this... it's a joke.
It's all a joke, Vera.

- What do you mean a joke?
- This is just... it's a fake.

I made it up. Well,
the family tree thing, anyway.

The Queen thing was
a Doug Reed embellishment.

Yeah, I was just so pissed off
with you, Vera.

I was so pissed off
with all your tricks

and the way you've been
buggering things up.

That is so
bloody typical of you.

You have never,
ever been able to share

in my excitement
about anything... not ever.

It's a fake, Vera.

It is not a fake, Colin.

Oh, it is a fake, Vera.

Look, Kendal even spelt wrong
the way I spell it wrong.

I watched him do it.
I watched Doug log on.

I watched him type in
my details.

I watched this thing
be printed out.

It's not a fake, Colin.
I saw it with my own eyes.

Of course you did, because
he loaded it all up in advance.

I saw him with my own eyes.

If you look closely, Vera,
Tom Jones is in there!

Jones is a very common
Welsh name, Colin.

Yes, but married
to a Catherine Zeta?!

I bet you and Mandy

have been having a right giggle
about this, haven't you?

We're not together anymore.

Really?

Really.

It's all over?

Yeah.

Oh.

You're still not coming home
with me, though, are you?

No.

Sorry, ma'am,
there's no smoking.

Are you two finished?

You know,
I do believe we are.

I'll be right back
with your check, then.

What are you
gonna do now, then?

Be Queen of Hope.

Hey, Colin Ware...

Two words... two words I have
for you, Colin...

class... act.

I know that history has
witnessed a long line of lunacy

from your
small island shores, Colin.

But for a man
of your apparent intelligence

to willingly relinquish
from his emotional grasp that...

shimmering angel
of sensual splendor...

You seem very smitten, Doug.

You're taking off?

You're not gonna hang around

for the biggest bang
of the year?

Not the biggest bang of your
year, from what I understand.

No. Well, it's been very,
very nice to meet you, Doug.

Thank you.
Thank you for everything.

No, thank you, Colin.

Thank you!

Thanks to you,
that terrible, wondrous thing

that poets have sung about
down through the ages

has finally found its way
into the lonely heart

of Douglas Elmer Reed!

And now please welcome...
Mayor Doug Reed!

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

And now...

as is our great
and cherished vision,

we get the annual
Cannon Ball rolling

with the introduction
of the new Queen of Hope.

Would you...

help me welcome...

raise your glasses
for the new Queen of Hope,

Miss Vera Edwards!

Man the phones, Fisher!

Look, I got this fax
from Colin from the airport.

Is it for me?

For you?

Mandy, come on.

When you make a guy promise
never to get in touch,

they can sometimes
make the wild assumption

that you don't want them
ever to get in touch.

Guys can be a bit dumb.

No, sorry, honey,

but did Colin ever mention his
cousin Chessick over in Ohio?

Colin went and
arranged for this guy to visit,

then forgot to cancel it
before he flew off.

And he... he's faxed me,

asking me if I would meet
this guy at the Gardens,

where they had arranged
to meet.

I mean, like, now.

And I've got to set up
the barbecue at the Inn,

and the rooms need doing
and... oh.

So you want me to go?

A free
filet o'Fisher tonight.

Excuse me.
Are you Mandy?

You must be Chessick.

Yes... that's right.

Pleased to meet you.

I guess you got to know
my cousin Colin pretty well

when he was up here.

He's an odd chap,
didn't you find?

He's very odd.

Colin told me he promised
never to contact you...

something about a passport?

He didn't seem to think
it would be breaking the rules

if I spoke to you.

He didn't warn me about your
bizarre dress sense, though.

Do you want to sit down
for a minute?

Did Colin tell you
about my hobby?

You know, Colin, at first this
Chessick stuff was really funny,

but now it's just irritating.

He didn't tell you
about my hobby?

No, Chessick.
What is your hobby?

I collect jewelry.

Can I show you an example?

Here's a thing I picked up in a
store in Columbus the other day.

It's just a little gold ring
with a thing...

thing on it.

I think it's a moth.

Is this a friendship ring
or something?

Well, the chap in the store said
that it was an engagement ring,

which surprised me, because...

I always thought
engagement rings

were supposed to be silverish
with a diamond or something.

But apparently, they can be
any way you want them to be.

There's only one slightly
disappointing thing, though.

When I was on the bus coming up,
I took it out to have a look,

and that's when I noticed
it's secondhand.

Well, if you look underneath,

there's a little heart
with two names...

presumably
the previous owners.

It's very, very small.

You can...
just about make them out.

I forget the names.

Mandy?

Perhaps you should
take this off.

Mandy, can you speak?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, you can put me down now.

Uh, no.
I want to carry you.

No, no, really.
I can walk.

- I want to carry you.
- I want to walk.

I'm experiencing an atavistic
urge to carry you, okay?

Where did you leave the car?

At home. Why?
Where are we going?

Well, I checked back in
at the Inn.

Well, you can't carry me
all the way back to the Inn.

Mandy, please don't interfere.

My manhood is crying out
to meet this supreme challenge.

Good afternoon,
Mrs. Peterson, Mr. Peterson.

Just keeping you
up to date on things.

Sorry if this seems
a bit primitive.

Primitive is fine.

But don't throw
your back out, okay?

I have a back of iron.

♪ All you ever do
is bring me down ♪

♪ Makin' me a fool
all over town ♪

♪ And they all wonder why
I wear a frown ♪

♪ That's 'cause, honey,
all you do is bring me down ♪

♪ That's 'cause, honey... ♪

I must be getting
too heavy now.

Yeah, but we're
building a memory here.

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I've been waitin'
on you, girl ♪

...♪Ooh ♪
- ♪ Hope you'll be by my side ♪

♪ I know you're out somewhere ♪

♪ Lovin' another guy ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

Hey, Fisher!

♪ I've been sittin' around,
yeah, all day long ♪

♪ Waitin' on you to call... ♪

♪Oh♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

Well?

They're engaged.

Are you serious?

Well, he just did it.

Why was he carrying her
down the highway?

It's a custom over there.

It's what?

Where Colin comes from...
it's a custom.

To carry people
down the highway?

Highway, roadway, whatever.

It comes from an ancient
Druid ritual, Joanie.

Apparently, they carry
their intended down a long path

as a symbolic way of embarking
upon the life ahead of them.

Well, I guess it's just true
what they say

about how far behind the rest
of the world the English are.

Non-innocent kind.

Lord only knows
what they get up to now.

Oh! Aah!

Aah!

- Oh, no!
- Aah!

Ugh! Aah!

Oh! Ah!

Aah!

Ah! Oh!

Ah! Oh!

Aah! Aah!

♪ I love it when we do
what we do when we do ♪

♪ I love it when we do
what we do when we do ♪

♪ Do what we do when we do ♪

♪ Ah-ahhhh ♪

♪ Ah-ahhhh ♪

♪ Ah-ahhhh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're around ♪

♪ The sun is always shinin' ♪

♪ And since we met ♪

♪ I haven't once
stopped smilin' ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ The love I feel for you
is almost blindin' ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Runnin' up and down
the street ♪

♪ Huggin' everyone I meet ♪

♪ Now you love me,
life is sweet ♪

♪ When I got you in my arms ♪

♪ Can't turn off
the fire alarms ♪

♪ Ye-e-e-ah ♪

♪ I love it when we do
what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do
till it's done ♪

♪ I love the way we do
what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do,
and it's fun ♪

♪ You're the one ♪

♪ When you're around ♪

♪ My eyes will never wander ♪

♪ And no one else ♪

♪ I've ever been
more fonder of ♪

♪ So, baby, don't you break
the spell I'm under ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When I look into your eyes ♪

♪ I don't have to fantasize ♪

♪ You're a dream
that's realized ♪

♪ I'm dancin'
on the moon inside ♪

♪ If life is cruel,
then someone lied ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I love it when we do
what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do
till it's done ♪

♪ I love the way we do
what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do,
and it's fun ♪

♪ You're the one ♪

♪ I I dig it when we kiss,
and we hug fl

♪ And you're cuter
than a bug in a rug ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ Ah-ahhhh ♪

♪ When you and me ♪

♪ Turn into us ♪

♪ It makes me cry ♪

♪ It makes me trust ♪

♪ I love it when we do
what we do, what we do ♪

♪ What we do, what we do,
what we do, what we ♪

♪ I love it when we do
what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do
till it's done ♪

♪ I love the way we do
what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do,
and it's fun ♪

♪ You're the one ♪

♪ I I dig it when we kiss,
and we hug ♪

♪ And you're cuter
than a bug in a rug ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ I love it when we do-o-o-o ♪

♪ Yeah ♪