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- THREE MONTHS, OH, MY GOD, IT'S FELT LIKE FOREVER.

IT'S JUST, YOU ARE ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.

I COULDN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR EYES

AND YOUR HAIR AND YOUR--EVERYTHING.

AND--AND I MEAN, I JUST COULDN'T WAIT TO COME HOME FOR BREAK.

I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG. CALIFORNIA IS AWESOME.

IT'S LITERALLY EVERYTHING THAT EVERYBODY SAYS.

IT'S AMAZING, BUT I JUST--

I COULDN'T WAIT FOR MY DAD'S PUMPKIN PIE.

OH, MY GOD, AND TURKEY AND JUST, LIKE, TURKEY SANDWICHES

TURKEY CHILI, LITERALLY EVERYTHING.

IT'S, LIKE, YOU DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE SOMEONE

OR PLACE UNTIL YOU LEAVE THEM, YOU KNOW?

- MM-HMM. - LIKE, I JUST--

I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

- OH, YEAH.

HEY. HEY, LET'S TAKE THIS OFF.

- IT'S COLD. - ALL RIGHT.

IT'S TOO COLD, I'M SORRY.

YEAH, LET'S LEAVE IT ON. WE GOTTA LOVE IT. I LOVE THIS.

IT'S, LIKE, MY FAVORITE SWEATER OF YOURS.

IT'S SOFT AND SEXY.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR PICKING ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT.

- OH.

HEY, ARE YOU OKAY? POOH BEAR?

- YEAH, I'M FINE.

- LOOK IT, WE SHOULD STOP. LET'S STOP.

- NO. NO, YOU SHOULD COME.

DO YOU WANT TO FUCK ME FROM BEHIND UNTIL YOU COME?

- I DON'T KNOW.

LATELY I'VE JUST BEEN WALKING AROUND

AND--AND I FEEL LIKE I'M TRAPPED IN MY BODY

BUT I'M ALSO, LIKE--LIKE, FLOATING ABOVE IT.

I THINK ABOUT DYING.

A LOT.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT, SCHOOL'S FINE.

- I THINK WE SHOULD STOP HAVING SEX.

- I THINK WE SHOULD BREAK UP.

!

[Jeremy and The Harlequins' Cam Girl playing]

*

- * TELL ME, GIRL, YOUR NAME

* TELL ME YOU'RE 18

* YOUR PROFILE CAME UP ON MY MACBOOK SCREEN *

- IN SECOND GRADE, I HUMPED A TELETUBBY

AND WAS SENT HOME FROM SCHOOL.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING, BUT I KNEW TO BE EMBARRASSED.

AND SINCE THEN, I'VE NEVER REALLY STOPPED

BEING EMBARRASSED.

THAT'S WHAT'S SO AWESOME ABOUT COLLEGE.

NO ONE AT COLLEGE KNOWS THAT I MOLESTED THAT TELETUBBY.

NO ONE AT COLLEGE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

- MOM!

- ALL THESE NEW PEOPLE,

AND THEY DON'T KNOW THAT TROY GARSKOFF

ONCE TOLD CHAD WEISENGARTZ THAT I KISSED WITH TOO MUCH TEETH.

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT I DIDN'T GET, LIKE,

ANY BOOBS AT ALL UNTIL JUNIOR YEAR.

IF YOU WERE SCOTT KARAZEWSKI, THE COOLEST GUY

IN MY HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE HIS BROTHER HAD BEEN...

- MOM!

- OR IF YOU WERE HEATHER ZERILLI,

THE HOT GIRL WHO EVERYONE WANTED

OR WANTED TO BE,

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.

I WASN'T COOL IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND I DEFINITELY WASN'T CONSIDERED HOT.

- I WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S SIDEKICK.

I KNOW IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE MONTHS,

BUT I FEEL TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

FOR ONE, I'M UNDERLINING A LOT MORE STUFF IN BOOKS,

WHICH MAKES ME FEEL WAY DEEPER THAN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

*

GETTING ANOTHER GO AT THINGS IS AWESOME,

UNTIL, OF COURSE, YOU COME HOME

FOR THANKSGIVING BREAK.

- WE CALLED. WE E-MAILED.

I TRIED TO SKYPE YOU EVERY NIGHT LAST WEEK.

IF NOT FOR YOU LIKING THINGS ON FACEBOOK,

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, MEESH.

- NO ONE LIKES TO SKYPE WITH THEIR PARENTS, MOM.

NO ONE LIKES TO SKYPE PERIOD.

- THEY WANTED ME TO START ON NOVEMBER 15th OR NOTHING,

SO WE PACKED UP WHAT WE COULD AND WE WENT.

IT WAS A WHIRLWIND.

PHILIP'S PACKING THE REST UP AND DRIVING EVERYTHING DOWN.

ARE YOU PAYING YOUR PHONE BILL?

- YEAH, I'M JUST OUT OF MINUTES.

- WE FIND IT VERY STRANGE THAT YOU DECIDED TO COME HOME

WITHOUT CALLING US. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

HOW DID YOU PAY FOR THE TICKET? HOW'S HEATHER?

- I'M FINE. SHE'S FINE. I'M--I JUST--

YOU KNOW, THEY GAVE ME EXTRA HOURS FOR MY WORK-STUDY.

- ALL RIGHT.

WE GAVE PHIL SOME MONEY FOR EMERGENCIES.

PLEASE MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T USE IT ON MARIJUANA.

- MOM.

- UH-HUH.

- I'M DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL.

I WANT TO MOVE HOME.

- I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM YET.

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

- * SHOW ME TITTY IF YOU DOWN

* IF YOU FUCKIN' WITH THE SOUND *

HE WANTS ALL FEMALES TO CRAWL TOWARDS HIM

SO THAT HE CAN JIZZ ON THEIR FACES.

THIS SONG IS LIKE A HATE CRIME.

- TIMMY HARTMAN'S HAVING A LITTLE THING TONIGHT.

HE GOT HIS G.E.D.

AND AN APARTMENT WITH MIKE DILLS, I GUESS.

WE'RE GOING, YEAH? - WE'LL SEE.

IF MY PARENTS LET ME OUT OF MY CAGE.

TIMMY HARTMAN'S SWEET, BUT WHO ELSE IS GONNA BE THERE?

I GUESS I WASN'T REALLY CLOSE WITH THEIR CLASS.

- I DON'T KNOW. A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT A LOT WITH THEM.

TANYA SPINELLI AND THEM CAME OUT TO PENN STATE ON HALLOWEEN

WHEN YOU BAILED.

THAT'S WHEN I BLACKED OUT AND HOOKED UP WITH CHRIS SUEY.

BUT HEATHER SAID HIS OVERBITE WASN'T THAT BAD,

AND HE'S, LIKE, LEGITIMATELY ON THE SOCCER TEAM

SO AT LEAST THAT.

THERE WAS THIS GUY THAT I HOOKED UP WITH

HE WAS--HE WAS, LIKE, KIND OF BALD.

- LATELY, WHEN I WAS AROUND MY BEST FRIEND,

I FOUND MYSELF THINKING ABOUT ALL THE SECRETS

I'D PICKED UP OVER THE YEARS

AND JUST HOW MANY OF THEM I WISHED I DIDN'T KNOW.

HOW SHE NAIRS HER ARM HAIR,

THE RARE CONDITION SHE HAS THAT MAKES HER NIPPLES LACTATE

AT ODD TIMES,

THE FACT THAT SHE ONCE KILLED HER PET HERMIT CRAB

WITH A HAMMER, AND THEN TOLD HER PARENTS IT JUST EXPLODED.

- I ONLY GET THE VAN

WHEN I'M HOME. - WELL, FUCK IT.

I'LL COME VISIT YOU THEN.

I'LL HOOK UP WITH ONE OF YOUR GAYBAY ART SCHOOL BOYS.

- IT'S MOSTLY COMPUTER KIDS.

- WHATEVER.

STOP WITH ME AT RUTHFRED'S. I GOTTA GET TAMPONS.

- MY PARENTS WILL FREAK IF I'M NOT HOME SOON.

- OH, OOH.

- HEY, MUSH.

- YEAH, WE TALKED.

THESE ARE MY SCHOOL PORTRAITS, AREN'T THEY?

- YOU COULD'VE WAITED TILL I GOT HERE, MAN.

- EXCEPT I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE COMING

BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T CALLED ANYBODY BACK IN THREE WEEKS.

AND NOW, YOU'RE UNWRAPPING ALL MY HARD WORK.

COME ON, MEESH. - QUESTION.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING OUT IN THE CAR?

- RELAXING. WHY, WHAT'D YOU SEE?

- BOXED WINE.

- I GET CRAVINGS AROUND ALL THESE BOXES, OKAY?

YOU WOULD, TOO.

- THIS IS FUCKED, MUSH. - I KNOW, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU, BUT I DID PROMISE MOM

THAT I WOULD SHOW YOU THIS DEVICE

THAT WOULD BLOW YOUR MIND. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THIS?

IT'S CALLED A PHONE. - OH, MY GOD.

- I DON'T KNOW IF THEY TAUGHT YOU THIS YET IN COLLEGE,

BUT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO WHEN IT VIBRATES OR RINGS,

YOU PICK IT UP AND SAY "HELLO." - STOP. LISTEN, I CALLED HER.

LAST I HEARD, SHE HAD A JOB OFFER IN TAMPA

AND SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT,

MAYBE THE MOVE WOULD HAPPEN DURING CHRISTMAS BREAK.

- OKAY, FIRST OFF, IT'S CLEARWATER, NOT TAMPA.

IT SOUNDS MELLOWER. I LIKE IT.

- AND THAT WAS IN SEPTEMBER, BUD.

- NOTICE THE NUANCE HERE. - IT'S GOOD.

- I COULD HAVE GONE FULL WIG, BUT I SAID NO.

TERRY FONG OF TERRY FONG STUDIO PHOTOGRAPHY

IS ON TO ME,

AND HE'S NOT GONNA LET JUST ANYTHING SLIDE THIS YEAR.

- YOU KNOW I'VE HEARD THIS STORY BEFORE.

- QUIET. AS YOU CAN SEE, WITH THE SIMPLE UTILIZATION

OF MOM'S MATERNITY SWEATER AND DAD'S BACKUP GLASSES,

I WAS ABLE TO ACHIEVE AN EFFECT FAR MUCH MORE IMPACTFUL,

NAY, PROFOUND,

THAN ANY SIMPLE WIG COULD EVER BE EXPECTED TO ACHIEVE.

- OKAY, MEESH. OKAY.

SHOULD I GO RIGHT UPSTAIRS AND GRAB MINE?

- WHEN I SLICKED MY HAIR BACK.

- THE PUKA BEADS.

- GO GET IT. - DEADLY. I'LL BE BACK.

MOM IS NOT HAPPY.

- KATIE, THIS IS COURTNEY.

- COURTNEY HAS A VOCAL CHORD INJURY,

SO SHE HAS TO SPEAK REALLY SOFTLY RIGHT NOW.

REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.

- REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YES, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

- UM, WELL, I MEAN, A LITTLE BIT.

- OKAY.

- YEAH, I GOT IT. YOU LOOK PRETTY. COME ON.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO SHOPPING WITH MOM.

- UM, MY BUS WAS LATE.

I JUST WANTED MY DAUGHTERS WITH ME.

THAT'S ALL. OKAY? IT'S A TRADITION.

- WE HAD TO TAKE A XANAX.

- HMM.

- I'LL PICK YOU UP LATER. - NO.

IF I GO, I'LL DRIVE MYSELF.

WHERE IS SHE GOING? SHE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT TONIGHT, NO.

IT'S THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

THIS IS A VERY BIG WEEKEND FOR THIS FAMILY.

- DAD, I SEE YOU GUYS ALL THE TIME.

- WE'RE NOT GUYS. WE'RE YOUR PARENTS.

- YOU SEE US WHEN YOU WANT TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY.

NOW, YOUR SISTER AND COURTNEY,

THEY CAME ALL THE WAY FROM COLORADO

WITH A VOCAL CHORD INJURY, I MIGHT ADD.

THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED. - WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

- GOD, I'M HOT.

ARE YOU HOT? - OH, YEAH.

- IT'S LIKE A GREENHOUSE IN HERE.

- I WANT TO PLAN THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY FOR SATURDAY,

AND I WANT ALL OF YOU COOKING.

YOUR DAD WANTS TO BRINE THE TURKEY THIS YEAR.

- YEAH, I'M GIVING UP ON DEEP-FRYING.

DID YOU KNOW THAT 90% OF FIRES DURING THE HOLIDAYS

ARE CAUSED BY PEOPLE DEEP

- WE READ ALL ABOUT IT IN READER'S DIGEST.

- MM-HMM. - STOP EATING THOSE.

PUT 'EM AWAY. THEY'RE FOR SATURDAY.

WILL YOU CHOP THAT FOR ME, SWEETHEART?

- YEAH, SURE.

FIND IT NOW. WE'RE ON IT.

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I JUST WANTED ONE MORE THANKSGIVING AT HOME.

- WELL, WE GOT LEFTOVER PUMPKINS FROM HALLOWEEN.

WE COULD MAKE PIE.

- I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW DAD MAKES 'EM.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT OUR FATHER,

BUT THAT MAN CAN BAKE HIS BALLS OFF.

- HE CAN BAKE HIS BALLS OFF. THAT'S WEIRD.

- I FEEL LIKE IT DE-STRESSES HIM.

HUH.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.

- YEAH, MAN.

I GUESS NOT.

- NO, I MEAN, YOU ACTUALLY CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN.

I'M PACKING EVERYTHING IN THE U-HAUL

AND DRIVING IT DOWN ON SUNDAY.

WE HAVE TO BE OUT BY THE 30th. - YEAH.

MOM SAID.

- WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO PACK YOUR ROOM BY THEN.

I HAVEN'T TOUCHED IT, SO...

- NO MORE HOUSE, MUSHY.

- NO MORE HOUSE, MEESHY.

THE BUILDING'S COMIN' DOWN!

EVERYONE OUT, NOW! NOW! LEAVE IT!

SEEMS YOU'RE IN LOVE, FROM YOUR E-MAILS.

- OH, MY GOD, I LOVE IT.

IT'S NOT NEW YORK,

BUT IT'S, LIKE, 100 TIMES BETTER THAN HERE.

- OH, I LIKE ALTOONA.

- YEAH.

- WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT ALTOONA?

- COURTNEY THINKS THERE'S A KIND OF CHARLES DICKENS

MEETS FLASHDANCE KIND OF THING GOING ON.

- IT'S VERY POETIC.

- WHO'S EVEN COMING TO THIS THING ON SATURDAY?

- IT'S ALL THEIR FRIENDS. - MM-HMM.

IT'S-- IT'S BEN KENNEDY AND KATHY,

THE GREENS. - PHIL GREEN.

- PHIL GREEN. WE DON'T LIKE PHIL GREEN.

WHAT THE FUCK?

WE SAID WHY DON'T WE JUST GET SOME PIZZA AND SOME BEERS

AND WE'LL SHOOT THE SHIT WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. - EXACTLY.

- BUT NO. - MM-MM.

- SHE WANTS TO MAKE DEVILED EGGS AND 40 FUCKING DESSERTS.

SHE BOUGHT PHYLLO DOUGH.

- PHYLLO DOUGH.

- WHOA. - EXACTLY.

- PHE-LLO DOUGH.

- PHYLLO DOUGH, PHE-LLO DOUGH. - PHE-LLO DOUGH.

- I DON'T KNOW. WHICH IS IT?

- PHYLLO.

- I LIKE PHE-LLO. - I LIKE PHE-LLO, TOO.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

- I THINK I'M GONNA GO OUT, GUYS.

- YEAH.

- HMM. HEY, REMEMBER WHEN KATIE USED TO MAKE YOU DRESS LIKE HER?

COURTNEY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME. - SOUNDS SO DEHUMANIZING.

- SEVENTH GRADE, DARK TIMES FOR EVERYONE.

- REMEMBER THAT TIME THAT SHE MADE YOU COME HOME

FROM THE DANCE AND SHE PRETENDED TO HYPERVENTILATE

BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE SAW HER DEAD GRANDMA?

- YEAH, I DO REMEMBER THAT, IN FACT.

- REMEMBER THE TIME SHE TRIED TO ATTACK YOU WITH A ROUND BRUSH?

- WE MOVE ON.

- SHE SOUNDS FANTASTIC.

- YOU MET HER EARLIER.

- OH. I DID NOT LIKE HER.

- MM, MM-MM.

- BARF. SUPER GROSS.

- THE WORST KIND. - MM-HMM.

- SO HE WAS MARRIED TO THIS STRIPPER FROM RENO

NAMED SPARKLER.

SHE TURNED OUT TO BE A TOTAL BITCH,

USING HIM FOR HIS MONEY, CHEATING ON HIM LIKE CRAZY.

SO THE GUY HIRES AN ASSASSIN TO KILL HIS WIFE.

BUT ON THE DAY IT ALL GOES DOWN, THE GUY GETS KILLED INSTEAD.

TURNS OUT SPARKLER AND THE ASSASSIN

WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER AND WERE FUCKING.

OH, DATELINE, DUDE.

- DATELINE.

SO HOW YOU LIKIN' THE SUNNY SIDE?

YOU ALL INTO THAT PILATES AND VEGANISM NOW, YEAH?

- YEAH. - I CAN READ IT ON YOUR SKIN.

- YEAH, DUDE, I WEAR MOCCASINS CONSTANTLY,

YOU KNOW, WHEN I JOG THROUGH RUNYON CANYON.

- OH.

SO YOU'RE LIKIN' IT OUT THERE?

- YEAH, DUDE. IT'S TIGHT.

- SO, LIKE, SHOULDN'T YOU BE OFF SOMEWHERE

SPOONING AND POPPING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S BACK ZITS?

- SHE'S GOING THROUGH SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T KNOW. WE'RE NOT REALLY TALKING.

TIMMY HARTMAN'S HAVING PEOPLE OVER TONIGHT, THOUGH.

THINK SHE'LL BE THERE? - I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE.

- SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE AN APPEARANCE.

- YEAH.

I'M SURE EVERYBODY'S JUST HOLDING THEIR BREATH

WAITING ON YOU TO SHOW UP.

NO, I'M IN TOWN.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA EXPECT ME TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE,

SHOW MY FACE.

- YEAH, WELL, SORRY I DIDN'T HAVE A SURPRISE PARTY WAITING,

MR. EL PRESIDENTE.

- THAT'S OKAY. DO YOU WANNA COME?

- NAH, I THINK I'M IN FOR THE NIGHT.

- MM.

- DUDE, IT'D BE PRETTY COOL IF I MOVED IN HERE.

- GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

MY MOM ISN'T GONNA LET ANYBODY ELSE MOVE IN HERE.

SHE KEEPS JACKIN' UP THE RENT JUST TO TRY TO GET ME OUT.

LUCKY I'VE BEEN ABLE TO PAY IT, SO FUCK HER.

- YOU EVER THINK ABOUT CALIFORNIA?

- YEAH, WENT THERE ONCE WHEN I WAS 7.

DIDN'T LOVE IT. - YOU WERE 7.

- YEAH, I KNOW, AND IT WASN'T THE RIGHT FIT.

- I COULD HAVE SAID HI TO HEATHER ZERILLI.

SHE WAS KIND OF TOWN ROYALTY

BECAUSE HER DAD OWNED A CHAIN OF SPORTS BARS,

AND HER MOM, OUR ONLY CHINESE RESTAURANT.

SENIOR YEAR, HER PARENTS SPLIT.

TURNS OUT THEY WERE CHEATING ON EACH OTHER,

HER DAD WITH HIS WAITRESS AND HER MOM FELL IN LOVE

WITH THEIR MECHANIC, MITCH.

HEY, BILLY GOAT. - HEATHER ZERILLI

JUST TOLD ME SHE BROKE UP WITH SCOTT KARAZEWSKI

AND I THINK I'M GONNA WAIT TILL MY CUT HEALS TO ASK HER OUT.

OH!

- DON'T DO THAT. SORRY. JUST PUT IT DOWN.

- HEY, MAN.

SORRY, I GOTTA GO. HEATHER'S NOT RESPONDING.

I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED. I'M GONNA GO TO THAT PARTY.

- ALL RIGHT, MAN. WELL, HEY, HAVE FUN

HANGIN' OUT WITH THE YOUNG'UNS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THANKSGIVING?

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.

- WELL, COOL, MAN. WE'LL HANG OUT.

PLAY SOME B-BALL OR SOMETHING.

- COOL. - HOW LONG YOU IN TOWN FOR

ANYWAY? - SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

- YOU FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE FOR THREE DAYS?

- IT'S FIVE INCLUDING TRAVEL TIME.

PEACE.

- OH, MY GOD, I LITERALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE BAILING

AND HAD JUST BECOME, LIKE, A HUGE BITCH SINCE COLLEGE.

- THANKS. YOU SMELL GOOD. - I ALWAYS SMELL GOOD.

- HMM. I BROUGHT MIXERS.

- GOOD JOB. SO IS THAT ALL YOU KNOW?

- JUST THAT SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM, ACCORDING TO BILLY GOAT.

- MISSY DEACON LIVES ON HER FLOOR

AND SAYS SHE'S SHOWER CRYING CONSTANTLY.

SAYS SHE SLEEPS, LIKE, 14 HOURS A DAY.

- WELL, SHE'S CLEARLY DEPRESSED. - YEAH, BUT IT'S LIKE

I'M DEPRESSED, TOO, AND I ACTUALLY HAVE A REASON.

MY ROOMMATE BARELY SPEAKS ENGLISH.

- I THOUGHT SHE WAS BORN HERE.

- YEAH, BUT SHE, LIKE, TALKS INDIAN ON THE PHONE

ALL THE TIME WITH HER PARENTS.

NOT TO MENTION, BEN MARKLE AND I HAVE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED

THE LAST THREE LACROSSE HOUSE PARTIES,

BUT HE WON'T ADMIT IT'S MORE THAN A HOOKUP.

I MEAN, HE LIVES IN THE LACROSSE HOUSE.

IT'S NOT A SMALL DEAL THAT I'M SLEEPING THERE.

NO OTHER FRESHMAN HAVE SLEPT THERE THREE TIMES.

HE JUST NEEDS TO ACKNOWLEDGE.

- I THOUGHT YOU LOVED PENN STATE.

- I MEAN, I WAS TAUGHT TO BE STRONG.

- KATIE KRAKE WAS WAY MORE INTO TIMMY HARTMAN'S CREW THAN I WAS.

I STARTED KEEPING MY DISTANCE AFTER THIS ONE JUNIOR YEAR PARTY

WHERE WE ALL CONVINCED THE ONLY RUSSIAN KID IN OUR SCHOOL

THAT WE WERE ON HEROIN.

UNTIL HE AGREED TO ALSO DO HEROIN.

ONLY WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY HEROIN.

IT WAS ALL JUST A JOKE WE THOUGHT WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY,

BUT IT WASN'T.

I STILL CAN'T LOOK IVAN IN THE EYE.

- * I WANNA KISS YOUR LIPS

* AND NEVER SAY GOOD-BYE

* A SWEET ROMANTIC BLISS THAT MAKES ME... *

- OW. OH, FUCK.

- * I WANT YOU HOME TO PLAY

* AND HEAR YOUR LOVE IS HERE TO STAY *

- OH, MY GOD! OH, YOU. HI.

ARE YOU OKAY? - I'M FINE.

- YES.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS ON THE--THE GROUND OR THE VAN.

- OOH, I DON'T THINK IT MATTERS. - I'M OKAY.

- DO YOU WANNA GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

- YOU THINK I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

- YOU MAY HAVE A CONCUSSION.

- YOU MIGHT. - OKAY. I GUESS, UM...

- OH, GOD. OH.

- CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL?

- HERE'S THE DEAL.

I DON'T FEEL DRUNK,

BUT I HAD, LIKE, THREE VODKA CRANS IN THERE.

SO YOU COULD HAVE A CONCUSSION AND I COULD GET A DUI.

OR YOU COULD NOT HAVE A CONCUSSION,

THEY TELL US WE'RE IDIOTS FOR BRINGING YOU IN,

AND--AND I STILL GET A DUI.

MY PARENTS DIE FROM SHAME,

AND I LOSE MY SCHOLARSHIP TO CMU OVER IT.

YOU FEEL SO GUILTY FOR RUINING MY LIFE

THAT YOU EVENTUALLY BLOW OUT YOUR BRAINS IN CALIFORNIA,

AND EVERYONE THINKS YOU DID IT

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BECOME FAMOUS.

- OKAY, THAT GOT DARK FAST.

I OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT YOU TO GET A DUI, POOPDICK.

- THIS ONE'S TOTALLY UP TO YOU.

I CAN ALSO PUT YOU IN A CAB TO THE HOSPITAL

YOU CAN TELL 'EM IT WAS A HIT-AND-RUN.

I'M NOT A BAD PERSON.

AND I WILL TELL YOU THAT I GOT A CONCUSSION

WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD IN GYM CLASS,

AND ALL THEY DID AT THE ER WAS SEND ME HOME

AND TELL MY PARENTS TO KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT

SO I DIDN'T SLIP INTO A COMA.

LET ME DO SOME RESEARCH SO I'M "A" NOT DRUNK DRIVING,

AND "B" HELPING YOU, WHICH ARE TWO THINGS

THAT A GOOD PERSON WOULD DO. - SOUNDS GOOD. DO IT.

OKAY. IT SAYS THAT YOUR PUPILS DILATE IF THEY'RE CONCUSSED.

HOW WAS HARTMAN'S?

- EH, VIDEO GAMES. - YEAH.

- DID YOU REALLY COME BACK HERE FOR JUST FOUR DAYS?

WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO BELIEVE?

MY ROOMMATE FLEW BACK TO TEL AVIV FOR THE HOLIDAY.

- HMM.

DO THEY EVEN CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING IN ISRAEL?

- HEY. - HI.

- NOTHIN'.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

- WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LIKE THAT?

"

- I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST REALLY SURPRISED TO BE GETTING

ALL THESE "NEED WEED" TEXT MESSAGES FROM YOU.

I SEEN YOU SMOKE, I DON'T KNOW,

MAYBE ZERO TIMES.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE YOUR NUMBER.

- YEAH, I KNOW. I FIND THAT SO WEIRD.

- IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD. YOU'RE SCOTT'S GIRLFRIEND.

- YEAH, I SEE YOU ALL THE TIME.

- YEAH, YOU'RE SCOTT'S GIRLFRIEND.

- RIGHT, SO NOT IN YOUR PHONE.

YOU DON'T THINK WE'RE FRIENDS.

- SCOTT WAS JUST HERE.

- OKAY.

- OKAY.

SO WE'RE NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT SCOTT?

- NOT UNLESS YOU WANT TO.

- YEAH, PREFER NOT TO.

- GREAT.

SO ARE YOU GONNA SELL ME SOME WEED OR NOT?

OKAY, SO HERE'S THE DEAL.

WE'RE GONNA SMOKE A LITTLE PINNER IN HERE NOW

UNDER MY SUPERVISION, 'CAUSE I'M ACTUALLY, LIKE,

A LITTLE BIT WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

- IF I SEE YOU INHALE YOUR SHIT,

I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER LITTLE BIT TO TAKE HOME.

SOUND LIKE A FAIR DEAL? - ARE WE TALKIN'

OR ARE WE SMOKIN'?

- WE'RE SMOKIN'.

- NO, NO, NO. WE WENT TO WHIPPLE'S DAM WITH DANTE.

- KATIE AND HEATHER CAME IN ANOTHER CAR.

THAT'S WHY THEY MISSED THE MAGIC HAILSTORM.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. NICE. - I REMEMBER IT SO CLEARLY,

BECAUSE I WAS HANGING OUT WITH YOU GUYS WITHOUT KATIE,

WHICH, LIKE, NEVER HAPPENED.

- YEAH, YOU GUYS WERE A 2-HEADED MONSTER IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I COULD SWEAR WHEN WE WERE IN SEVENTH GRADE

AND SHE BROKE UP WITH ME, I COULD SWEAR

IT WAS YOU ON THE PHONE.

DOING HER DIRTY WORK.

- I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY THAT FACT.

- HMM, THAT WAS SOME FUCKED UP SHIT, POOPDICK.

- YEAH. - YEAH.

YEAH.

- SHE JUST REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT,

AND SHE THOUGHT OUR VOICES SOUNDED THE SAME.

- I KNEW IT! YEP, AW!

I CAN'T BELIEVE, FINALLY ADMITTING IT, POOPDICK.

- I'M REALLY SORRY.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS ONE OF THE MEANEST THINGS I'VE DONE.

HONESTLY, I THINK I WAS JUST EXCITED

TO TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE. - GOD,

I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS RIGHT. - I'M REALLY SORRY.

BUT YOU CALLED ME POOPDICK FOR THREE YEARS

BECAUSE OF ONE ORAL PRESENTATION

WHERE I MISPRONOUNCED "POOP DECK."

I THINK WE'RE EVEN.

- I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU KINDA LIKED IT.

SO YOU WERE EXCITED TO TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE, HMM?

- UH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- YOU SAID YOU WERE EXCITED TO TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE

IN SEVENTH GRADE.

- MM-HMM. - I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

- YOU LIKED ME IN SEVENTH GRADE, DIDN'T YOU?

I MEAN, YOU HAD A LITTLE GIRL BONER FOR ME,

DIDN'T YOU, POOPDICK? MM-HMM.

- HMM.

- SO THERE'S THIS WHOLE GROUP OF GIRLS

FROM HIGH SCHOOL, YOU KNOW, LIKE KYLEIGH DECECCHO

AND LINDSAY BEEGLE AND LAUREN VON DAM HAGEN,

AND THEY ALL GO TO PENN STATE WITH ME, RIGHT?

SO AS A GROUP, THEY DECIDED TO MAJOR

IN RECREATION AND PARKS MANAGEMENT

BECAUSE THEY HEARD IT WAS EASY.

LIKE, I'M JUST FIGURING OUT WHAT A SCAM IT IS.

ALL YOU REALLY NEED ARE BOOKS IF YOU WANNA LEARN SHIT.

MEANWHILE, I'M MAJORING IN ENGLISH.

I'M GONNA BE WORSE OFF THAN THE PARK MANAGEMENT GIRLS.

LIKE, ARE THERE GONNA BE THAT MANY PARKS

FOR THEM TO MANAGE WHEN THEY GRADUATE?

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA MANAGE, PLAYGROUNDS?

WHO AM I KIDDING?

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE UNEMPLOYED.

COLLEGE JUST FEELS LIKE SOME BIG,

PRE-UNEMPLOYMENT, BINGE-DRINKING,

LIKE, PARTY VACATION. - I HEAR YA, SISTER.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT NORTH DAKOTA?

- IT HAS OIL, TONS OF JOBS.

YOU CAN MAKE, LIKE, HALF A MILLION A YEAR THERE.

BUT YOU GOTTA LIVE IN YOUR CAR

'CAUSE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH HOUSES YET WHERE THE OIL IS.

YOU THINKIN' ABOUT IT?

YOU GONNA GO RIDE THE RAILS WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL BUDDIES?

- SHH.

- MY FRIENDS WILL NEVER LEAVE THIS TOWN.

FIGURED I'D HITCHHIKE UP THERE

AND JUST MOVE INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S CAR.

I DON'T MIND BLOWING A TRUCKER TO GET SHIT DONE.

- YEAH, I TOTALLY PUSHED A KID OFF THE SWINGS ONCE

TO GET AN ERECTION.

- THERE'S SO MUCH I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT JOKE.

both:

- OH, GOD.

I AM NOT AN OPTIMIST.

- ME NEITHER.

SCOTT IS.

- NO. BUT THE SMELL OF THAT STUFF

THAT YOU'RE PUTTING ON YOUR FINGERNAILS

MIGHT CAUSE THE BRAIN DAMAGE YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID.

- JUST DON'T FALL ASLEEP. - OKAY.

YOU SEEM GOOD.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU THAT MUCH LAST YEAR.

- YEAH.

SENIOR YEAR WAS WEIRD FOR ME.

IT FELT LIKE THE CREDITS WERE ROLLING THE WHOLE TIME.

OR LIKE SOMEBODY TURNED ON THE LIGHTS

AT A PARTY.

- YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY THERE THAT MUCH, IT FELT LIKE.

IS THAT RIGHT? - YEAH.

I ABUSED THAT "LEARNING ENRICHMENT" PROGRAM

THAT LUBISHER HAD FOR THE AP KIDS--

CLAIMED TO TAKE, LIKE, THREE COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASSES

BUT REALLY I WAS HOME WATCHING THE VIEW

AND EATING GOLDEN GRAHAMS. - OH.

BRILLIANT. - HMM.

- I LOVED SENIOR YEAR.

- SENIOR YEAR LOVED YOU.

PRETTY SURE THE ENTIRE SCHOOL HAD A CRUSH ON YOU,

ESPECIALLY TODD, THE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL.

- HEY, TODD AND I DID SOME REALLY GREAT WORK TOGETHER.

- OKAY. LET ME SEE YOUR PUPILS.

MY BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL'S PROBABLY OKAY,

SO WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

- THEN WE SHOULD GO.

- OH, I FORGOT HOW AWESOME DRY HUMPING IS.

- YEAH.

- YEAH.

- I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

WHAT?

- NOTHING.

- OKAY.

[Emily Bell's Pusher Girl playing]

- * WELL, NO-OH, NO-OH OH, PUSHER GIRL *

* IS PUSHIN' YOU OUT THE DOOR

* I WON'T DO YOUR DIRTY WORK

* NO MORE FOR FREE

* AND GET NOTHING

- HOLY SHIT.

KARAZEWSKI.

- * PUSHER GIRL

- HEY.

HEY!

KARAZEWSKI.

OH, MY GOD.

- I'M IN A COMA.

- FUCK YOU!

- I'M IN A COMA, BE QUIET.

- OW.

- HEY, DON'T PISS ON MY FUCKIN' LAWN!

GET THE FUCK OUT!

- YEAH.

- HEY! - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- THIS IS NOT A PUBLIC URINAL! - I'M GOING.

I'M ON--I'M ON THE STREET.

- NO, GIVE ME FIVE SECONDS TO GET DONE, PLEASE!

- THIS IS NOT A PUBLIC URINAL.

- DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE.

- DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE.

- OH, HEY, TRISH.

- WELL, THAT WAS INTERESTING. - THANK YOU SO--

HOPE MY PARENTS DIDN'T CALL THE COPS.

- THE SAME. OH, WAIT. I'M AN ORPHAN.

- UH...

- UH, SO I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

- OKAY. OKAY.

SURE. I'LL HAVE TO MAKE SURE WE'RE FACEBOOK FRIENDS

SINCE YOU WON'T BE AROUND MUCH...

- HMM. - ANYMORE.

- OKAY. OKAY.

- OKAY. - HERE.

- OH.

OKAY. OH, SORRY.

- OKAY, BYE. I'LL SEE YA. - SORRY. BYE.

*

- * MAY THE ROAD RISE UP TO MEET YOU *

* AT ITS DESTINATION, OHH

* MIGHT THEIR PRETTY EYES STAY FIXED *

* SO YOU MIGHT NOT WANDER ON *

* IF YOU'RE GONNA READ THE SCRIPTURE *

* NOW GOSPEL AND MEN

* WILL ALL JUST STICK AROUND

- OH, POOPDICK.

OH, POOPDICK, POOPDICK.

- * NOW GOSPEL AND MEN

* WILL ALL JUST STICK AROUND

- MM. MEESH.

MUSH, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

- I'M ON A JOURNEY, MEESH.

WHEN I STARTED THIS,

I WAS DETERMINED TO USE THOSE PERFECTLY GOOD PUMPKINS.

I BOILED THEM UP, ADDED A BUNCH OF STUFF,

BUT I JUST COULDN'T GET THE TASTE RIGHT.

SO WHAT DO I DO?

I GO TO THE SOURCE. I CALL DAD.

TURNS OUT, YOU WERE RIGHT, MEESH.

CANNED PUMPKINS, TOTALLY WHERE IT'S AT FOR DAD'S PIES.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS.

SO I GO TO THE STORE AND I GRAB SOME CANNED PUMPKINS

AND I ADD 'EM TO THE REAL PUMPKINS.

ONLY PROBLEM IS, I GOTTA GO BACK TO THE STORE

'CAUSE THE GODDAMN REAL PUMPKINS,

THEY'RE STILL TAKIN' OVER FLAVOR-WISE.

MEANWHILE, MY FILLING IS--IS GROWING TO A VOLUME

WHERE IT'S CLEAR I'M EVENTUALLY GONNA NEED MORE PIECRUSTS.

BUT NOT UNTIL MY BATTER'S PERFECTED.

I'M CLOSE, MEESH.

I'M ON PROTOTYPE SIX RIGHT NOW.

REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO WHEN I HIT ACTUAL PRODUCTION STAGE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

IT'S BASICALLY DIRT.

HAVE SOME PATIENCE, MEESH, PLEASE.

YOU'RE GONNA WAIT TILL IT'S READY, JUST LIKE DAD'S.

OH, MY HANDS.

YOU GOT A CLOTH?

- YOU LOCKED THE OVEN. YOU LOCKED THE OVEN.

- WELL, MY 'OVE' GLOVES ARE ALL FUCKING FULL OF FILLING.

THIS COULD BE THE ONE, MEESH. - SWEET.

SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN,

BUT THIS OVEN'S DANCE CARD IS FULL.

- OKAY.

- MEESH, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE?

- IT'S A STORY FOR CHRISTMAS.

- YOU SHOULD REALLY DO SOME PACKING TODAY.

- OKAY. - IT'S NOT BAD.

- MOM!

I'M SLEEPING.

THIS IS MY HOUSE, TOO, GIRLFRIEND,

AND YOU NEED TO GET UP AND SCRUB SOME POTATOES.

MITCH IS HERE.

I CAN'T FIND IT!

MITCH! MITCH!

I JUST NEED TO GET MY BOX FROM THE CLOSET.

- HE NEEDS HIS BOX FROM THE CLOSET!

- THE DANG THING'S RIGHT HERE, POOH BEAR!

- OH.

- GOOD MORNING.

- OH, LOOK WHO DECIDED TO GRACE US WITH HER PRESENCE.

WE RAN OUT OF VERMOUTH, THOUGH.

- IT'S PRETTY MUCH JUST A GLASS OF WARM VODKA.

- LOOK, YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT TONIGHT, T

WE'RE PLAYING TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

- THAT'S FINE. I DON'T WANNA GO OUT.

THAT'S, LIKE, A LOT OF FOOD.

SHE'S COMPLAINING BECAUSE WE FEED HER.

MUST BE NICE. - IT MUST BE NICE, I TELL YA.

- MM. - MM.

YOU, TOO?

- IT WAS FINE.

- COOL. I TOLD MOM I HEARD YOU COME IN AROUND MIDNIGHT.

- OH, THANK YOU.

*

- "POLICE SPEND FIVE HOURS CHASING FLORIDA MEN

IN CANOE." - THAT'S GOOD.

"FLORIDA MAN DEMANDS MONEY

WHILE SLAPPING WOMAN IN FACE WITH PENIS."

- "FLORIDA MAN DROPS PANTS,

ASKS COP TO STICK FINGER IN HIS ASS."

- UH-OH.

THIS IS THE ONE.

"FLORIDA MAN FIGHTS COPS

"WHILE ALSO TRYING TO PERFORM EXORCISM ON SON

AFTER METH MAKES HIM ABNORMALLY STRONG."

- WE'RE GONNA BE FLORIDA MEN.

- I KNOW.

COME ON. LET'S GO EAT OUR FEELINGS.

- DO IT.

*

- I'M THANKFUL FOR MY, UH,

MY SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG.

- I'M THANKFUL FOR MY SOON-TO-BE SISTER-IN-LAW.

- I'M THANKFUL FOR ALL THIS AMAZING FOOD.

THANKS, MOM. - YOU'RE WELCOME, SWEETHEART.

I'M THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU.

AND I'M THANKFUL FOR FORGIVENESS.

AND, UM,

NEW BEGINNINGS.

I'M SORRY.

- I'M SORRY, GUYS.

THIS IS BETWEEN US.

OUR GROUP THERAPIST TOLD US TO EXPERIMENT IN THE BEDROOM.

THINGS GOT A LITTLE INTENSE.

- JUST EAT.

PERFECT.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS, DAD.

LOOK, LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T GO TO COLLEGE.

THE SMARTEST PEOPLE I KNOW JUST GO STRAIGHT TO WORK.

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M GONNA BE SUCCESSFUL

IF I GET MY DEGREE.

IT'S JUST A WAY TO BE IN DEBT

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

IN DEBT TILL YOU DIE?

I'M PAYING FOR YOUR COLLEGE, OKAY?

AND YOU'RE GOING TO COLLEGE. THIS IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE? SORRY.

- YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY GREAT IDEA IN THEORY.

BUT I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE

WHAT I WANNA DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU FIGURE OUT IN COLLEGE.

HMM. SORRY.

- YOU KNOW, I STILL REGRET

NOT FINISHING MY HYPNOTHERAPY DEGREE.

- LOOK, I CAN COME HOME. I CAN WORK AT CHAMPS.

I'LL JUST FIGURE OUT A BETTER PLAN WHILE I'M HERE.

- NO, YOU CANNOT MOVE HOME. NO, YOU CANNOT WORK FOR CHAMPS.

I DID NOT BUST MY ASS MY ENTIRE LIFE

JUST TO GET YOU AN EDUCATION

SO YOU CAN COME HOME AND WORK AT CHAMPS.

YOU'RE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.

YOU GONNA COME HOME NOW AND THROW YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY

'CAUSE YOU MISS MOMMY? YOU MISS YOUR BED?

WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?

- KENNY!

- SORRY.

Y'ALL, I LOVE RESTAURANTS.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

I LOVE RESTAURANTS, AND THIS FOOD, STRAIGHT UP,

IS RESTAURANT QUALITY. THAT IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION.

Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT TURKEY, THOUGH, RIGHT?

Y'ALL GONNA BE TIRED, TIRED, TIRED.

- YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT KID BOBBY LANCASTER?

WORST BEHAVED, MOST HORNIEST FUCKIN' KID EVER?

- YEAH. - YEAH, YEAH.

- HE HAD SEX WITH A NUN IN EIGHTH GRADE.

- NO, BUT HE DID PUNCH A NUN IN THE FACE AND CALL HER A NAZI.

- I WISH I'D PUT MYSELF OUT THERE MORE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

LIKE, IN EIGHTH GRADE, KIM GARVEY...

- KIM GARVEY. - SHE INVITED ME OVER

TO WATCH TV, BUT, LIKE, THE WEEK BEFORE

I HAD HEARD THAT SHE PUT A WHOLE BOTTLE OF HAND LOTION

UP HER HOO-HA. I DIDN'T GO.

- SO... - I THOUGHT IT WAS MOUTHWASH.

- WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WAS, LIKE, A GIRTHY BOTTLE.

I FELT EMASCULATED.

- BOBBY LANCASTER USED TO SPIT IN LISA MEEKINS' MOUTH

EVERY DAY AFTER LUNCH, AND SHE-- AND SHE FUCKIN' LOVED IT.

- I BET SHE DID. - WELL, BECAUSE THEY WERE

MAKING OUT, RIGHT? - NO, IT WAS, LIKE, A THING.

HE USED TO GATHER US ALL UP AND BE LIKE, "GUYS, WATCH THIS."

AND HE WOULD SPIT RIGHT IN HER FUCKIN' MOUTH.

- SO IT WASN'T ALL JUST

HUMAN FECES ANYMORE, IT WAS CHANGED.

- SO TWO WEEKS AGO, I'M AT THE JIFFY LUBE

GETTING MY OIL CHANGED

AND I RUN INTO BOBBY LANCASTER.

AND IT TURNS OUT HE'S THE NICEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

GAVE ME A BUNCH OF GUM, SO SWEET.

TOLD ME HE WAS SORRY FOR ALL THE STUFF THAT HAPPENED

IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. HE WAS DRIVING A BEAMER.

APPARENTLY HE OWNS THE LARGEST LANDSCAPING COMPANY

IN ALL OF PENNSYLTUCKY.

- TOTAL SUCCESS STORY.

- THOUGHT A GUY LIKE THAT WOULD, I DON'T KNOW, END UP IN JAIL.

- YEAH, OR ON, LIKE, A REALITY SHOW.

- WELL, YOU GOTTA THINK AT SOME POINT

HE LOOKED AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SAID,

YOU KNOW, "I DON'T WANNA JUST BE THE TOUGHEST, COOLEST DUDE

IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. I WANT MORE."

- THAT'S GUY'S GOT IT ALL.

- YEAH, SO MY MOM JUST TEXTED FROM HER SHIFT AT THE HOSPITAL.

APPARENTLY THERE'S BEEN A PIPE BURST IN MY BASEMENT.

SO I GOTTA GO. - OH, NASTY.

- OH, MAN, PIPE BURST.

- THINK WE COULD, UH... - YEAH.

- SPLIT IT AS A CONSOLATION PRIZE?

- ALL RIGHT, DUDE. - ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YA.

HAVE FUN. - I'LL TAKE THAT.

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I JUST HAD TO GET OUTTA THERE.

I HOPE I'M NOT RUINING YOUR THANKSGIVING OR ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST THAT I FIGURED YOUR MOM'S NORMALLY WORKING TODAY

SO I THOUGHT IF YOU... - GOT YOU.

- YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT FRIENDS,

I KNEW THAT PERSONAL DETAIL ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

- RIGHT.

- RIGHT.

- STILL DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU WANT TO GO?

- NO.

- I THINK I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

- GREAT IDEA. YEAH, I'LL TRY THAT.

NO, NO, NO, I DID THAT. I DID THAT.

NO, NO, NO, I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.

YEAH, HE'S GOOD.

- NO, I CAN DO THAT TODAY.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. YEAH, I'LL TRY THAT.

NO, NO, NO, I DID THAT. I DID THAT.

NO, NO, NO, I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.

YEAH. HE'S GOOD.

*

YEAH, I DID. YEP, PREHEATED, TOTALLY.

- DUDE, I'M OUTTA HERE.

- YEAH. - I'M MOMENTS AWAY

FROM PRODUCTION HERE. GET EXCITED.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

SO LET ME ASK YOU, THIS WHOLE EVAPORATED MILK THING,

DO I ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT EVAPORATING?

*

- HI. I BROUGHT PIE.

- NOBODY.

- WELL, INVITE NOBODY IN. - I BROUGHT PUMPKIN PIE.

HELLO! HEY! HOW ARE YA? SCOTT. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- HI.

OH, SORRY. HEY. SCOTT. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

- THANK YOU. - SCOTT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME OVER.

I BROUGHT YOU GUYS SOME PIE.

MR. MCINTYRE?

- ARE WE DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL?

- NOT AT ALL.

IAN'S FOLKS ARE SO RICH, THEY COULD GIVE TWO SHITS.

SOMETIMES HE PAYS ME DOUBLE JUST TO ACTUALLY COME IN

AND PUT THE WEED IN HIS SOCK DRAWER FOR HIM

SO IT'S THERE WHEN HE GETS HOME.

SPOILED LITTLE SOPHOMORE DICKWAD.

ANYWAY, THE WHOLE FAMILY'S IN BOULDER SKIING

FOR THE HOLIDAY. SEEMS RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD GO TO COLORADO FOR THANKSGIVING.

BUT HE ALWAYS TELLS ME I CAN USE HIS POOL

IF I FEEL LIKE IT, AND, WELL, I FINALLY FEEL LIKE IT.

IT'S FREEZING OUT.

WHOA.

- WHAT'D YOU GET ON YOUR SATS?

- I'M NOT TELLING YOU THAT.

- YOU'RE EMBARRASSED BECAUSE IT'S HIGH.

- PLEASE, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?

I'M THINKING ABOUT COMING HOME.

SERIOUSLY?

TERRIBLE IDEA.

- YOU DON'T GO TO SCHOOL.

- DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO.

OKAY, MOM.

SO I HAVE TO AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY?

- NO, I JUST

THOUGHT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.

- I DO UNDERSTAND.

BUT I ALSO THINK IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA TO GIVE UP AN EDUCATION

THAT YOUR DAD'S GIVING YOU AS A GIFT

'CAUSE HE LIKES YOU.

ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEBODY AS SMART AS YOU.

- NO.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CHANGED CLOTHES?

- NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

- ANYWAY...

- OKAY, GO. - I'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK.

- SCOTT! YOU TWO ARE IN CAHOOTS, YOU KNOW.

- ELVIS! - THAT WAS GOOD!

- KERMIT! KERMIT THE FROG! - OH, WAIT! WAIT!

BOBBY BROWN! I KNEW IT!

- COOKIE MONSTER! HA HA! - COOKIE MONSTER.

WHOA! WHOA.

YOU'RE HOT! HOT! - UNDEFEATED.

- NO, NO, NO, IT'S SIMPLE REALLY.

THE SECRET IS IN CREATING MNEMONICS IN THE FIRST ROUND

THAT'LL LAST YOU ALL THE WAY TO THE PANTOMIME ROUND.

- RIGHT. - I MEAN, YOU GET PRINCESS LEIA,

FOR EXAMPLE... - YEAH.

- YOU GOTTA GET THOSE HAIR DANISHES GOING RIGHT AWAY.

RIGHT AWAY, PLUMP AND FULL, SIDE OF THE HEAD.

NOBODY WILL MAKE ANY MISTAKES AGAIN.

- CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

- YEAH, LET'S GO. I'LL BE BACK!

- OH, HE'S SO GREAT.

YOU'RE LIKE A VILLAIN IN A KEVIN COSTNER FILM.

I HIT YOU WITH MY VAN AND THEN YOU SHOW UP AT MY HOME.

PHIL MADE EXTRA PUMPKIN PIES, AND YOU TOLD ME LAST NIGHT

YOU LOVE PUMPKIN PIE SO MUCH, SO I BROUGHT A PUMPKIN PIE.

- NO, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT PIES.

ALSO, I TRIED SOME WHEN I WENT TO THE BATHROOM

IN THE SECOND ROUND. IT TASTES LIKE ENVELOPES.

- OH, SHIT. HE WARNED ME ABOUT THAT.

- LOOK, I'M SORRY. I'M NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE.

IT'S JUST I'M NOT GOOD WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS

BESIDES, WHAT ABOUT HEATHER?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. HEATHER AND I BROKE UP, LIKE, FOUR MONTHS AGO.

WE'RE TOTALLY COOL.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT HAVING A DAY.

- YEAH.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE A DAY, A THING.

YOU HAVE TO COME FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

- YEAH.

LIKE, I'M CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELL-BEING IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP.

AND I'M KIND OF DEPENDING ON IT

SEEING AS I'VE GOT NO CAR.

- NO.

- I WANT TO BORROW YOUR CAR. I CAN DRIVE.

YOU JUST HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, PICK ME UP IN THE MORNING

AND DROP ME OFF AT NIGHT. - I DON'T KNOW.

MY--MY SISTER'S ENGAGEMENT THING'S ON SATURDAY.

AND YOU CAN SEE HOW ATTACHED MY PARENTS ARE.

I'M LUCKY WE DON'T CO-SLEEP.

ONE MORE ROUND AND I'M GONE.

I SWEAR.

- NO! WOW, AAH!

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

- ONE MORE ROUND. - ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.

- YOUR TURN.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THE REST OF BREAK?

- PROBABLY GONNA EAT A KIELBASA AND GOOGLE SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.

THANKS FOR THE POOL. - YOU, TOO.

*

- PACK YOUR ROOM, MEESH!

- AAH!

- I'M DRIVING, POOPDICK.

- GOD, WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, 5 FEET AND 3/4?

- OH, I JUST THOUGHT YOU COULD USE A FIELD TRIP DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE

WHO THINK LIFE IS BETTER ELSEWHERE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE OF THOSE ESCAPEE ONES

AND THUS BEFORE I AM FORCED

TO LEAVE THIS HALLOWED GROUND...

I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND ITS SPLENDOR.

I MEAN, THIS TOWN BIRTHED THE SLINKY.

AND YOU CAN'T GET MUCH MORE LOVEABLE THAN THAT.

*

- * DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

* DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

* DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

* DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

- * I WALKED INTO YOUR ARMS

* WEARING A SUIT OF ARMOR

- * DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

* DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

- * YOU GOT INTO MY HEART

* YEAH, YOU WON ME OVER

- YEP, JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE,

PLEASE. COME ON!

- JUST GO, AND I'LL GO. - COME ON!

- JUST GO, AND I'LL GO. PLEASE DON'T SHAKE THE BRIDGE.

- PLEASE DON'T SHAKE THE BRIDGE.

- ALL RIGHT. THIS WAS YOUR IDEA.

- DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO THROW CAUTION.

- * HOW'D YOU BREAK MY UNBREAKABLE HEART *

* UNBREAKABLE HEART

* OUT ON THE STREET

- * RUNNING FOR SHELTER

- * DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

* DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

- HEY!

- COME ON. YOU'RE COMING TO WORK WITH ME.

I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE.

COME ON, WE GOTTA GO BEFORE YOUR MOM AND MITCH

START MAKING LOVE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- THAT'S DISGUSTING. - SERIOUSLY.

IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING. WE SHOULD GO.

* HOW'D YOU BREAK MY UNBREAKABLE HEART? *

- YOU JUST CAME AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU?

- SHUT UP.

- THIS IS FUN.

BUT ONWARDS.

MORE ADVENTURES AWAIT.

- * UNBREAKABLE HEART

- * DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DI DAYO

- EAT IT, IT'S GOOD.

* HOW'D YOU DO IT?

- JUST IN CASE.

- * DO IT, DO IT

* HOW'D YOU DO IT?

* HOW'D YOU DO IT? *

* HOW'D YOU DO IT? DO IT, DO IT *

* HOW'D YOU DO IT?

- YES! LOOK AT THAT.

- * HOW'D YOU BREAK MY UNBREAKABLE HEART? *

- $7.21 IS YOUR CHANGE.

- CIRCLE. YEP.

- * HOW'D YOU BREAK MY UNBREAKABLE HEART? *

- THEY SAY THEY WANT SAUSAGE AND PEPPERONI.

IS THAT OKAY?

- YEAH.

UH, YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

- * HOW'D YOU BREAK MY UNBREAKABLE HEART? *

- * BREAK MY UNBREAKABLE

- I THINK YOU'RE GONNA REALLY LIKE IT.

IT'S A LITTLE BIT WEIRD, BUT IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- IT'S A LITTLE BIT DANGEROUS, BUT IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- I DON'T KNOW.

THIS IS GONNA SOUND REALLY STUPID,

BUT NO ONE OUT THERE RETURNS MY HIGH FIVES.

AND IT'S HAPPENED, LIKE, THREE TIMES.

- NO. - YEAH.

AND IT'S HIGHLY DISCONCERTING.

- CALIFORNIA SOUNDS LIKE IT SUCKS.

- DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. - OH, COME ON.

IF THE WORSE THING YOU CAN SAY ABOUT UCLA

IS THAT NO ONE RETURNS YOUR HIGH FIVES,

I'M GUESSING IT'S PRETTY GREAT.

THEN WHY DOESN'T IT FEEL GREAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT TAKES SOME TIME.

FIRST THREE WEEKS AT CMU I FELT LIKE I WAS WALKING AROUND

DOING A WEIRD IMPERSONATION OF MYSELF.

YOU'RE HOMESICK, HOMEBOY.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU KNOW THE WORST PART?

I USED PART OF MY STUDENT LOAN

TO PAY FOR MY PLANE TICKET HOME.

AND GOD, IF MY PARENTS FIND OUT, THEY'LL DESTROY ME.

- WOW, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE HIGH FIVES.

- HEY, THANKS FOR HITTING ME WITH YOUR VAN.

- HMM.

THANKS FOR BRINGING ME TO THIS ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

AND NOT MURDERING ME.

- YET.

YET.

THAT'S OKAY. HEY, IT'S OKAY.

- OH, I'M SORRY. - NO.

- I HAD, LIKE, NO BOYFRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND I DON'T REALLY WATCH PORN BECAUSE IT STRESSES ME OUT

ABOUT THE WELL-BEING OF THE ACTORS.

- NO, NO, NO. HEY, DON'T-- - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

- DON'T APOLOGIZE. NO, I JUST WANNA--I WANNA KISS YOU.

I SHOULD GET A CONDOM NOW. - YEAH.

YEAH.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T.

- WE WERE ALREADY DOING IT. I WAS HALFWAY INSIDE YOU.

- HMM, WASN'T THAT MORE OF, LIKE, A JUST THE TIP SITUATION?

- THAT'S VERY FLATTERING,

BUT I WAS HALFWAY INSIDE YOU.

- YEAH, IT'S NOT THAT IT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THE BEST THING EVER,

I JUST--OH,

I JUST KNOW I'M A SUPERSENSITIVE PERSON,

AND I'M PROBABLY GONNA TURN PSYCHOTICALLY OBSESSED WITH YOU

IF WE DO IT, AND THEN YOU'LL GO BACK TO SCHOOL IN CALIFORNIA,

AND YOUR PARENTS ARE MOVING AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

WE'RE PROBABLY NEVER GONNA SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

I'M--I'M SORRY. - NO, IT'S--

NO, IT'S FINE. I--NO, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO.

OF COURSE.

IT'S FINE.

*

THANKS.

*

*

- KATIE'S HAVING PEOPLE OVER.

I'M WORRIED SHE MIGHT KILL ME IF I DON'T GO.

- IT COULD BE FUN. - I DON'T KNOW.

THERE'S, LIKE, THIS FEELING THAT SHE HATES ME

BUT ALSO KIND OF WANTS TO WEAR MY SKIN.

- FINE. I MEAN, WE DON'T HAVE TO GO.

OR YOU KNOW, WHATEVER-- WHATEVER YOU WANT.

WE CAN SAY OUR GOOD-BYES WHENEVER.

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. IT'S FINE.

- I MEAN, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

- IF YOU WANNA GO TO KATIE'S, I'M FINE WITH THAT.

- OKAY.

UM, I GUESS WE CAN DO THAT.

- I MEAN, LIKE, IF YOU WANNA KEEP HANGING.

- I DO. NO, I DO.

UH, I THINK. I WAS SUPPOSED TO HANG WITH PETROFF,

BUT HE'S, LIKE, NOT ANSWERING ANY TEXTS, SO THAT'S WEIRD.

IT'S GREEN.

OH.

all chanting: SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT!

SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT!

- ONLY IN YOUR HOMETOWN

CAN WALKING INTO A BASEMENT NEXT TO SOMEONE

FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST DEAL EVER.

- IT'S, LIKE, THE SECOND DAY I GET TO BOSTON

THEY HAD THIS THING CALLED THE FREEDOM RALLY.

HEY, MAN, WILL YOU HOLD IT STEADY?

- DUDE, PUMP.

- I HAD SAID MY GOOD-BYES AT SENIOR WEEK.

I HAD WRITTEN LONG MESSAGES IN EVERYONE'S YEARBOOKS.

BUT HANGING OUT NOW FELT A LITTLE LIKE

SOME SORT OF LAME, VERY SUBTLE TIME TRAVEL.

OR LIKE WE WERE ALL GHOSTS

HAUNTING KATIE KRAKE'S BASEMENT.

- OKAY, LET'S SEE IF THIS WORKS.

FUCK YES! YES!

- ARE YOU TAKING BONG RIPS OF VODKA?

- YES, WE ARE.

- I SAW THIS VIDEO. IT TOTALLY WORKS.

- ZEWSK.

- YEAH!

- YEAH.

- MY BUDDY JOSH--IT'S ACTUALLY THE GUY I LIVE WITH

OUT IN BOSTON, HE GREW UP IN SYRACUSE.

HE PLAYS LACROSSE ON THE BOSTON TEAM AND EVERYTHING.

BUT HE, UH, SAME WEEKEND--

FUCKED FOUR GIRLS IN ONE WEEKEND.

HE HIT UP A FRESHMAN, A SOPHOMORE,

A JUNIOR AND A SENIOR

IN HIGH SCHOOL. - NO, HE DIDN'T.

- DUDE, HE'S, LIKE, THE SHIT. HE'S SO FUCKIN' TOUGH.

HE'S, LIKE, MY BOY, THOUGH, MAN. I LOVE HIM.

- BEFORE OR AFTER HE LOCKED TONGUES WITH YOU, THOUGH?

- MM.

- DUDE, WAIT. WHAT THE FUCK?

- I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THAT GUY.

- COME ON. - FUCK OFF, MAN.

HMM.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? IT'S FUCKING WEIRD, RIGHT?

- IT WAS A LITTLE SUDDEN.

YOU THINK HE'S, LIKE, MAKING FUN OF HER?

- I DON'T THINK SO. HOW WOULD HE BE MAKING--

- HEY.

- HEY.

- MOVE YOUR LEGS. WHAT'S UP, KARAZEWSKI?

HOW'S UCLA? - IT'S THE BEST. I LOVE IT.

- YOU SHOULD MOVE OUT THERE. WHY?

- BECAUSE YOU HATE IT HERE, AND NOW YOU HAVE A REASON TO GO.

- I DON'T HATE IT HERE. I LOVE IT SOMETIMES.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

SHE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO GET AWAY FOR SOME SNOBBY SHIT.

YOU KNOW SHE APPLIED TO BROWN AND NYU BUT DIDN'T GET IN.

- HEY, THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP.

I JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU DIDN'T GET THAT FAR

WHEN YOU WERE CLEARLY TRYING TO GET FAR AWAY.

PITTSBURGH IS BASICALLY ALTOONA,

AND ACTUALLY ALTOONA HAS WAY BETTER OUTLETS.

WILLIAM EUGENE PETROFFSKI.

HEATHER. HEATHER! HI, GIRL.

- UH, HEATHER NEEDED A RIDE.

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU THIS MORNING?

- UH, NOTHING. I HAD TO HELP PHIL MOVE SOME STUFF.

- HEY.

- HEY, GIRL. - HI!

- YOU SMELL WEIRD.

- OH! - WOW!

- SO WHEN DID YOU TWO START CARPOOLING?

- DUDE, SHE REALLY JUST NEEDED A RIDE, THAT'S ALL.

- I'M GONNA GET A BEER. YOU WANT ONE, TORI?

- SURE. - OH!

- MOTHERFUCKER.

- HA HA!

- OH, THERE GOES HER DAD'S CDS.

- NO.

- YOU KNOW HE FUCKED KARA SUEY

IN THE PARKING LOT BEHIND THE MALL

AND THEN NEVER TALKED TO HER AGAIN?

BUT, LIKE, DO WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO.

TORI, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

- KATIE BLEW PETROFF ON THE FIELD TRIP TO GETTYSBURG, RIGHT?

- THAT IS CORRECT. - NINTH GRADE.

- YEAH. - BACK OF THE BUS.

- OH, YEAH.

- YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON

AND IT SUCKS, OKAY? IT'S REALLY SHITTY.

LIKE, YOU'RE NOT YOU ANYMORE.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WOW.

* IF YOU AIN'T GIVIN', I'M GONNA TAKE IT *

* I'M BREAKIN' THE BANK

* HE COME AND TELLS ME LOVE WAS SHAKIN' MY WAY *

IT'S CANDY.

- SO I HEARD YOU'RE MOVING TO FLORIDA.

MY AUNT LIVES IN FLORIDA.

- EVERYONE'S AUNT LIVES IN FLORIDA.

- * AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND TOLD HIS HOMEBOYS *

- THEY ALL CALLED YOU THESPIAN BEHIND YOUR BACK.

ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL. - I WAS A THESPIAN.

I WAS IN THESPIAN CLUB.

- WHAT, DID YOU, LIKE, SUCK SCOTT'S DICK THIS WEEKEND

AND NOW YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT SHIT?

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, MY MOM AND DAD

WERE TOTALLY LIKE, "WHERE IS TORI?

WHY ISN'T TORI AROUND?" THEY MISS YOU.

AND YOU KNOW MY MOM IS SICK.

- SHE HAD ELECTIVE KNEE SURGERY.

- MY UNCLE OWNS A PIZZA SHOP IN TAMPA.

GIVE HIM, LIKE, 20 BUCKS, HE'LL GIVE YOU A BRAND NEW PIZZA.

- YEAH, THAT'S HOW PIZZA SHOPS WORK.

- I GUESS I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS.

I GUESS I THOUGHT THAT MEANT SOMETHING,

BUT APPARENTLY YOU'RE TOO BUSY BLOWING MY EX-BOYFRIEND

TO CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.

- YOU DATED IN SEVENTH GRADE.

- IT'S NOT THAT LONG AGO.

- YES, IT IS!

- * DON'T GIVE ME NO CHANGE

* IF YOU AIN'T GIVIN', I'M GONNA TAKE IT *

* I'M BREAKIN' THE BANK

* THESE COMATOSE WAS SHAKIN' MY WAY *

* SO COME AND GIVE IT TO ME, I WANT IT ALL NIGHT *

* YOU BETTER HAVE STRENGTH AND YOU BETTER HAVE LENGTH *

* I WANT IT JUST RIGHT

* HEARD YOU GET TONGUE TWIST, WELL, BABY, YOU JUST KISS *

* OH, YOU'RE SO COOL, BADASS DUDE *

* TRYIN' TO GIVE ME CHILLS

- * YOU DO IT SO NICE THAT A BROAD SAY THAT YOU'RE-- *

- NO! - I'M GONNA GO.

KATIE, LOOK, I'M SORRY.

I JUST DON'T THINK WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON ANYMORE.

I'M GONNA GO! NO.

- WHAT THE FUCK'S GOIN' ON WITH YOU, MAN?

- NOTHIN', I JUST REALLY WISH

I WOULD'VE PLAYED SOME BALL WITH YOU, DUDE.

- YOU NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

- OH! - ZEWSK! ZEWSK!

MAYBE I DO LIKE SCOTT KARAZEWSKI.

DEAL WITH IT!

UM...

- COME ON, STOP IT!

- WHOA!

- WHOA. HEY, HEY, HEY.

HEY. HEY.

- WHOA!

- GET OFF ME. GET THE FUCK OFF ME!

MY FUCKIN' DRUGGIE BEST FRIEND IS FUCKING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

- THERE'S FUCKIN' NOTHIN' BETWEEN US, MAN.

- I DON'T EVEN LIVE HERE ANYWAY. WHY WOULD I COME BACK?

OKAY, I'M NEVER COMIN' BACK HERE.

SO FUCK IT, AND FUCK YOU!

AND FUCK YOU.

*

- I THINK WE SHOULD BREAK UP.

- JUST GOT ME SO CONFUSED, HEATHER.

THIS IS COMIN' OUTTA NOWHERE. - IT ISN'T.

- HEATHER, I KNOW YOU.

YOU JUST-- YOU NEED TO TAKE A WALK,

OR YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS, I WANT YOU TO TAKE A SHOWER.

- FUCK YOU.

- OR MAYBE A ROUND OF DRUNK FROZEN GOLF

OR MAYBE A FLOOR BED AND SOME MOVIES.

WE--WE CAN FIND HARPER AND GET HIM SO DRUNK

THAT HE SINGS THAT SONG AGAIN.

- SCOTT, YOUR PARENTS ARE MOVING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

- THAT'S--THAT'S NOT TOTALLY FOR SURE.

- TIM REYES TOLD ME THEY'RE ALREADY GONE.

- WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE. THAT'S NOT EVEN TRUE.

- SCOTT, LOOK, WE GO TO SCHOOLS ON OPPOSITE COASTS.

WE'RE PROBABLY NEVER GONNA SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

- DON'T SAY THAT! - IT'S TRUE.

I'M SORRY, MAYBE AT A WEDDING IN, LIKE, EIGHT YEARS,

BUT PROBABLY NOT, SCOTT. - OH, MY.

- I'M JUST REALIZING THAT

THINGS CHANGE AND THINGS END

AND THINGS DIE.

I'M GONNA DIE, AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE AND...

WE'RE EITHER JUST GONNA ROT AWAY SLOWLY

OR ELECT TO GET BURNT INTO DUST.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYTHING HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE,

BUT IF IT DOES,

YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GONNA BE SCOTT,

AND I WON'T BE HEATHER.

SCOTT, LISTEN.

UNLESS WE FORCE IT, THERE'S NO NATURAL WAY

OUR LIVES ARE GONNA INTERSECT AFTER THESE FIVE DAYS.

RIGHT NOW, THIS WEEKEND,

I WOULD RATHER NOT SPEND MY TIME

RELIVING SOME SAD, CREEPY PUPPET SHOW

OF OUR GREATEST HITS.

- I GOT THE MIX RATIO RIGHT, MEESH.

WE'RE ON OUR WAY NOW.

THIS IS THE HOMESTRETCH.

FOUR MORE PIES IN THE OVEN, LAST ROTATION.

I DID IT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW,

SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME MAKING THESE PIES, MEESH.

- YOU GOT HIGHER

THAN ANY HUMAN HAS EVER GOTTEN?

- NO.

I REALIZED

I WANNA BE A DAD.

I REALLY, REALLY WANNA BE A FATHER.

- COME HERE.

COME HERE. - COME ON.

- COME HERE.

I KNOW YOU DO. I KNOW.

- I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME HOME THIS WEEKEND.

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT YOU, MAN.

- I'M REALLY GLAD I'M HERE, TOO.

WELL, THAT WAS SOME THANKSGIVIN' DINNER, WASN'T IT?

YOU KNOW I DID THAT, RIGHT?

DROPPED OUTTA COLLEGE.

RIGHT AFTER MY FIRST SEMESTER.

I HAD TO GET THE HELL OUTTA TALLAHASSEE.

WHOLE THING DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.

- OH, YEAH. YEAH.

AND LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.

I SPENT SOME OF THAT TIME IN JAIL

ON ACCOUNT OF HAVING STABBED MY STEP-DADDY.

IT WAS A FAIRLY TYPICAL DOMESTIC DISPUTE

OVER A HORNET'S NEST.

- YOU MEAN, THE SITUATION WAS LIKE A HORNET'S NEST?

- NO, NO. WE WAS FIGHTIN' OVER A HORNET'S NEST.

HE THOUGHT IT WAS HIS, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE.

BUT I LEARNED SO MUCH IN JAIL.

AND THEN I WENT TO HAWAII,

AND I GOT A GIRL PREGNANT, 'CAUSE SHE TOLD ME

THAT THE HOT TUB WAS GONNA KILL ALL THE SPERM.

TURNS OUT THAT WASN'T TRUE.

TURNED OUT SHE WANTED TO GET PREGNANT

'CAUSE SHE WAS IN A CULT AND SHE HAD TO GIVE THEM A CHILD.

CHILD'S STILL WITH THE CULT FOR ALL I KNOW.

I'M--I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SEE IT.

OTHERWISE, I SWEAR TO GOD, I WOULD BE ITS DADDY.

POINT IS, THOSE ARE THE YEARS THAT I WOULD'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE.

AND I LEARNED SO MUCH MORE

JUST BEING OUT IN THE WORLD, YOU KNOW?

AND A LITTLE BIT IN JAIL.

- THANKS, MITCH. - HEY, ANY TIME.

HEY, YOU NEED SOME CLEAN PISS, YOU LET ME KNOW.

I GOT A GUY.

[Daniel Wilson's Will You playing]

*

- * COME ON NOW

* WILL YOU WAIT?

* I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD WAIT *

* AND I WAS WONDERING TO MY SEAMS *

* IS THAT US THAT ALL WE DREAMED *

* I WAS WONDERING

* IF I COULD WAIT FOR YOU

* I WAS WONDERING

* WILL YOU WAIT FOR ME?

* I CAN'T WAIT ANY MORE

* IF YOU CHOOSE ME, I COULD CHOOSE YOU *

* OR NOTHING AT ALL

* I NEED YOU LIKE I USED TO *

* I CAN'T WAIT ANY MORE

* IF YOU CHOOSE ME, I COULD CHOOSE YOU *

* OR NOTHING AT ALL

* I NEED YOU

* I CAN'T WAIT ANY MORE

* IF YOU CHOOSE ME, I COULD CHOOSE YOU *

- HEY. OKAY, UM,

SO I JUST--I WANTED TO SAY

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

IT WAS--IT WAS STUPID.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I FELT LIKE I NEEDED TO DRINK THAT MUCH.

I SAID A BUNCH OF STUPID THINGS

I KNOW FOR A FACT AREN'T TRUE,

BUT THE REASON THAT I'M HERE

IS BECAUSE I FEEL DIFFERENT.

AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THAT'S BECAUSE OF YOU.

I SPENT THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS SAYING GOOD-BYE

TO SO MANY THINGS,

AND I'M NOT READY TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOU YET.

- * WAIT ANY MORE IF YOU CHOOSE ME *

* I COULD CHOOSE YOU, CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE *

- THANK YOU

FOR SAYING THAT,

BUT I'M SORRY.

I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA WORK OUT.

I'M JUST ADMITTING IT TO MYSELF.

I'M SORRY, SCOTT.

I'M TOO WEIRD.

I'M TOO SENSITIVE.

I CAN'T REALLY BE, LIKE, PHYSICAL WITH YOU

WHEN I KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE.

- NO, TORI, IF YOU-- - NO, I'M SORRY.

I WISH I WAS DIFFERENT.

I'M SORRY.

*

- WOW.

DID YOU EAT?

- NOT A CHANCE. I JUST ORDERED SO THEY'D LET US SIT HERE.

- I FOLLOWED YOUR LEAD.

- I'M GONNA MISS PHIL.

- HE'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU.

I MEAN, WOULDN'T THAT BE KIND OF WEIRD AFTER A WHILE?

- NO.

I DON'T KNOW. YES. I HATE THIS.

- YEAH.

- [indistinct television chatter]

- YOU--YOU OWE ME THIS.

YOU KNOW YOU OWE ME. YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

COME ON, NECK FACE GUY.

DO--DO YOUR MOM'S COUSIN MARK.

OH, MY GOD.

ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME CREEPY DOLL. YOU KNOW I WANT IT.

GIVE ME CREEPY DOLL.

DO THE--THE SPANISH MAN.

OKAY. - ESPAÑOL.

- NO. NO. THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

THE ONE YOU WERE DOING THE OTHER DAY.

- THAT WAS A VOICE. - YEAH, DO THE VOICE.

WANT ME DO THE VOICE?

WHY NOT DO IT FOR YOU ALL THE TIME?

I'M GONNA MISS THIS.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

- STOP.

- CAN'T MAKE IT A JOKE. COME ON.

YOU REALLY HAVE TO MISS ME.

- I'LL MISS YOU.

HEY.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT, I GUESS.

- PHIL CALLED ME OVER TO HELP OUT

SINCE YOU'RE ALL BANGED UP. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. MOST OF IT WASN'T YOU.

- GOOD.

YOU KNOW NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN HER AND I,

IF YOU'RE WONDERING. - NO, I DON'T WANNA KNOW.

- SHE JUST NEEDED SOMETHING, MAN.

- PETROFF, IT'S COOL.

- ALL RIGHT.

- YOU SEEN THE INSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE?

WEIRD FUCKIN' WEEKEND.

- HEY, WHEN YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS GET A CHANCE,

THERE'S A FEW MORE BOXES IN THE BASEMENT.

I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT,

'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T REALLY MARRY FOR LOVE

THEY MARRIED FOR CONVENIENCE.

- HEY, MOM SAYS YOU HAVE TO STOP WATCHING TV.

- NO, SHE DIDN'T. - OKAY, I'M SAYING IT.

- LEAVE ME ALONE.

- ARE YOU GONNA GO

TO PHIL AND SCOTT'S TONIGHT?

JEN STEINACKER CALLED AND TOLD US ABOUT IT,

SOMETHING ABOUT PIE. - I LOVE PIE.

- I'M MANNING YOUR PARTY TONIGHT, DUH.

- YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN MAKE AN EARLY EXIT. DUH!

I MEAN, COURTNEY AND I ARE PROBABLY GONNA GO AFTER.

- YEAH, TOTALLY.

- OKAY, LOOK.

I'M GOING TO LAY SOMETHING OUT ON YOU HERE.

WE WERE TOTALLY SPYING ON YOU AND SCOTT.

YOU ARE BEING A PRUDE PIECE OF SHIT.

COME ON, YOU GOTTA LIVE A LITTLE.

YOU CAN'T BE ALL PROTECTED IN YOUR BLANKIE.

- LEAVE ME ALONE!

- YOUR VAGINA IS GOING TO FALL OFF UNLESS YOU USE IT.

- THAT IS NOT A NICE THING TO SAY!

- STOP WATCHING TV!

- NO!

*

- * PUT YOUR WEAPONS DOWN

* YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR BACK *

* NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN

* I WILL SHOW YOU THAT

* USELESS CELEBRATIONS

* FORCED THEIR DESECRATIONS

* YOU AND ALL THE BOYS

* SHOULD FOLLOW THIS INSTEAD

* SURRENDER

* TIME TO SURRENDER

- GUYS! GUYS, IF YOU WANT TO WIN IN THE THIRD ROUND,

YOU HAVE TO-- YOU HAVE TO DO MNEMONICS.

WITH--WITH YOUR WHOLE BODY, LIKE, ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

YEAH.

- MONET! - A WESTERN PAINTER!

A WESTERN PAINTER. - I HAVE NO IDEA.

- CHARLIE CHAPLIN!

- * TO GO AND FIGHT BACK

*

- TORI! HEY!

TORI, NO!

HEY!

AH. - OW.

ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, GOD.

- OKAY, A GRATING SOUND OR FEELING

WHEN THE NOSE IS TOUCHED OR RUBBED,

SWELLING OF THE NOSE, NOSE PAIN...

- OH, NOSE PAIN, YEAH. - CROOKED OR BENT APPEARANCE,

OKAY, IT SAYS THAT IT ISN'T BROKEN

IF IT DOESN'T LOOK BROKEN.

- OKAY. - AND IT LOOKS--

IT LOOKS GOOD. - OKAY.

- OH, YOU GOT BLOOD ON YOUR SHIRT.

- OH, THAT'S OKAY. I STILL NEED TO DO MY LAUNDRY.

WHY WERE YOU RUNNING?

- DIDN'T WANT TO MISS THE FREE PIE.

- PHIL MIGHT HAVE PIE FOR EVERYBODY IN TOWN.

EVEN YOU, POOPDICK.

- I'M REALLY GONNA MISS YOU, SCOTT KARAZEWSKI.

- WELL, DON'T MISS ME TOO MUCH.

MY FLIGHT DOESN'T LEAVE UNTIL 11:40.

- I WANT TO.

DO YOU WANT TO?

- NO, I'M GOOD. THANKS.

- NO.

- SORRY.

- THAT'S OKAY. I OWED YOU ONE.

- OH, THANK YOU.

- [indistinct chatter over television]

[Daniel Wilson's Young Rubbish playing]

* WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG

* YOU CAN BE ANYTHING THAT YOU WANNA BE *

* WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG

* YOU CAN STAY ANYWHERE YOU WANNA STAY *

* SO STAY YOUNG FOREVER

- THEY SAY YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN,

AND I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD WHAT THAT MEANT.

I MEAN, YES I CAN. I GO HOME ALL THE TIME.

I DO MY LAUNDRY AND RUN INTO PEOPLE I DON'T WANT TO,

AND IT PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS SUCKS.

- * BA-BA-BA BA BA BA BA-BA

* BA BA

* BA BA-BA

- WHEN I MISS SOMETHING,

IT'S USUALLY A CERTAIN GROUP OF PEOPLE

AT A CERTAIN TIME.

THAT I KNOW CAN NEVER BE RE-CREATED.

SUMMER CAMP,

THAT FAMILY TRIP WITH THE MUGS...

HIGH SCHOOL.

- * WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG

- THANKS FOR LETTING ME DRIVE YOU.

- * YOU WANNA STAY

* SO STAY YOUNG

- THAT TIME WE BROKE INTO THE GYMNASIUM,

THAT TIME WE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT,

THAT TIME WITH THE GOLF CART,

THAT TIME WITH THE STICKY BUNS.

- * IS YOUR OWN

* JUST STAY UNGROWN

* BA-BA-BA BA BA BA BA-BA BA

- JOHN UPDIKE, WHO GREW UP IN P.A.

NOW FAR FROM HOLLIDAYSBURG, WROTE,

"EACH DAY WE WAKE SLIGHTLY ALTERED

"AND THE PERSON WE WERE YESTERDAY IS DEAD.

"SO WHY BE AFRAID OF DEATH,

WHEN DEATH COMES ALL THE TIME?"

I UNDERLINED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT QUOTE.

THERE'S JUST SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE IDEA

OF DYING EVERY DAY

AND OF BEING BORN,

AND BORN,

AND BORN.

- * BA-BA-BA BA BA BA BA-BA BA

* BA-BA-BA BA BA BA BA-BA BA

* BA-BA-BA BA BA BA BA-BA BA

* BA-BA-BA BA BA BA BA-BA BA

* BA-BA-BA BA BA BA BA-BA BA

[Daniel Wilson's Please Dream Again playing]

*

- * GIVE ME ONE SINGLE BREAK

* AND I'LL

* GIVE YOU MY HEART

* GIVE ME ONE SINGLE BREAK

* AND I'LL

* GIVE YOU MY HEART

* FROM THE START

* OH, FROM THE START

* GIVE ME ONE SINGLE BREAK

* AND I'LL

* GIVE YOU MY DREAMS

* GIVE ME ONE SINGLE BREAK

* AND I'LL

* GIVE YOU MY DREAMS

* IT'S WHAT I MEAN

* I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU

* IT'S WHAT I MEAN

* I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU

* GIVE ME

* GIVE ME

* GIVE ME

* GIVE ME YOUR HAND

* AND I'LL

* TAKE YOU WITH ME ON THIS

* DREAM

* DREAM

* DREAM WITH ME

*

* OOH OOH-OOH OOH OOH-OOH

* OOH-OOH OOH-OOH OOH OOH

* OOH OOH-OOH OOH OOH-OOH

* OOH-OOH OOH-OOH OOH OOH

- * IT'S WHAT I NEED

* I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU

* IT'S WHAT I NEED

* I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU

* IT'S WHAT I NEED

* I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU

* IT'S WHAT I NEED

* I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU

* IT'S WHAT I NEED

* I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU

* IT'S WHAT I NEED

* I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU

* IT'S WHAT I NEED