All language subtitles for Girl-Fever. 100 Women_2002_English-ELSUBTITLE.COM-ST_16788639

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# 2000 kisses
keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses
that's what I take #

# 2000 kisses
listen to me #

# I'm used to getting #

# Everyone bring #

# 2000 kisses
who wants to sleep? #

# 2000 kisses
everyone needs #

# So come on, come on #

# Get to my door #

# And I will give you
10,000 more. #

Hello, ladies.

This is all kind of funny,

really.

Actually this whole thing

started because of laughter.
You know, laughter,

when the smile has an orgasm.

And out of 100

of you women, I can bring 99
of you to this climax chuckle.

I can.

But I can't make

the one girl I love
smile like she made me smile

on the worst day of my already

terrible, laughable life,

which is quite a feat

considering I've been having
horrible days

ever since I was a kid.

# You think that you #

# Could walk out on me #

# Every day I grow farther
from you #

# You think that
I'll be there... #

Sorry, I'm sorry.

# I'm finished with you #

# I celebrate #

# I celebrate #

# My days of hate,
my days of hate #

# 'Cause now I see #

# That you're nothing to me... #

# Go #

Your tongue is caught
on my clit ring.

Oh God.
No!

Don't move,
don't, don't, don't move!

# So go out and get with #

# Any guy you find #

# Every day I grow farther
from you #

# Don't come crawling back #

# When you can't find #

This drawing is...

appalling.

You show absolutely no
understanding of this womans

or any womans.

In the future the only drawing
you'll be doing

is drawing... unemployment.

You have to listen to me.
We are over.

We are completely
and totally over.

Next time you break up with me,

you wanna do it
before I give you a ride home?

(speaking German)
We are over.

Hey, no!
You can't do this to me now!

Please, Gretchen, not now!

Today's already the worst day
of my life!

(car horn beeping)

I believe you've
lost your smile.

You've lost your smile.

Guy's voice:
Her name was Hope.

She had this winning smile

that could take Olympic gold.

Guy: I've had a lot
of bad days in my life,

but today definitely
qualifies as the worst.

Things could be worse.

At least Gretchen broke up
with you before she made you

get your penis pierced.

You see,

you're funny ha-ha.
I'm just sort of

accidentally funny.

- Accidentally funny?
- Yeah.

I'm always doing weird stuff
and I don't even know it.

It just happens and thus,
I'm accidentally funny.

Sam, nobody's normal
all the time.

Look at me.

I just noticed
I've had my shirt on inside-out

all day.

Yeah, but you know,

I'm not even normal
some of the time.

You see,
would you look at this?

Case in point, right?
I have a fake wallet

I keep in my pants pocket
in case I get mugged.

I keep my real money
crumpled up inside my sock.

This is odd.

You know anyone else in
the entire world that does this?

- Mm-hmm.
- One other.

- Who?
- Me.

That's a really good idea.

Great.

Now I'm contagious.

Sam, what made you enroll
in art school?

I sort of determined that all
artists are weird,

so if I became one,
then I'd have an excuse

for my chronic strangeness.

You can see now why today is
my personal Waterloo.

In less than an hour
I've not only found out

I have no talent,
no future,

no girlfriend,

but now I also have no excuses
for my eccentrocities.

- What can I do to cheer you up?
- Nothing.

- There's nothing you can do.
- Maybe I could...

start by cleaning the snew
off your shirt.

Snew?

- What's snew?
- I don't know.

What's snew with you?

What did Snow White say
to Pinocchio

when she was sitting
on his face?

"Lie to me, lie to me."

So let's make like a baby
and head out.

Let's go.

You know what I think
we should do?

No.

Which window did you say
was your ex-girlfriend's?

I think it was that one.

You bastard,
I'm gonna come down there

and cut your balls off.

Then I'm gonna shove them in
your mouth and make you eat them.

Sam: Laughter really is
one of the smile orgasms.

Let me tell you Hope and I
had laughter that was

multiple, simultaneous, wet.

- Hope: My number 555...
- Okay.

- 6344.
- 6344.

- Okay great...
- Oh and...

Don't forget this...

- Hey, yeah.
- Your smile.

And thank you
for giving it back to me.

Yeah.

(horn beeping,
thunderclap)

- That's my ride.
- Okay.

- Call me.
- Yeah, I will.

Sam:
I had to find Hope.

So I took a job
as a delivery guy.

Here's your order.

Sam: Hope probably would have
called me a cuisine courier.

Here's your...

Sam: It's lame, I know, but at least
the job allowed me

to search for Hope
on every corner...

- Taxi!
- And every building

on every run
I made throughout the city.

Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna pull out,
I mean, back out.

Woman: Women,
please follow me this way.

The Abigail Wadley
Women's Residence and Club

has been in existence
since 1923.

We have women from all 50 states
as well as Puerto Rico and Guam.

And 20 other countries.

We have two Olympic-sized
swimming pools,

as well as four tennis courts.

(growling)

Excuse me?

Hi. Do you know where 6D is?

(growling)

Thanks.

Delivery.

Wow, Hope!

- Hey!
- Hello, Sam.

Oh my God. I've been
looking for you everywhere.

You have no idea, I am so sorry
I never called you,

because you wrote your number
down on my palm

and it was pouring rain
that night

- and it just washed off...
- It's okay.

How are you?

You look like someone dropped
an ACME safe on your head.

- I'm fine.
- Yeah.

Me too, I'm fine too.

Well, this is awkward.

Times like this
I think about dogs.

Dogs?

Yeah.

I like the way
they lick your face

and let you pet them all over
when you first meet them.

It's just it would be nice

if women could immediately
let you know you're liked

the way that a dog
lets you know.

Really nice icebreaker.

Maybe.

- Your chicken fajitas.
- Oh, thanks.

You remembered the extra salsa.

I think all I have is a 50.

That's okay.

I think I can break that.

You got me making
a habit out of this.

Are you sure
you're all right?

Never better.

'Cause you don't look
never better.

You're wrong, I'm fine.

I thought I was wrong once,
but I was mistaken

and I'm not wrong here.

Come on, what's the matter?

Nothing that a nice
high ledge with a view

couldn't take care of.

Goodbye, Sam.

- Hey. Where's Holden?
- He's in back.

I wanna bottle up
your sweat, baby.

Oh you got
such a tight, tight ass.

What's that?

Squeeze it harder, huh?
Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, man.

What's going on?
I was...

rearranging my collection.

It was totally inefficient.

I had "Double Penetration"
filed under "Double Dildo."

I don't care about
your Smithsonian of smut.

Why was your hand on your ass?

Sometimes I gotta get
a little kinky to...

jack up the old winky.

If I stare at this centerfold

and concentrate real hard
while grabbing my own butt

it feels like I'm feeling up
Ms. September's ass.

Uncle Bart would be really
pissed if he came in here

and caught you
flicking the Grinch.

Whoa.

I haven't seen you
this cranky since camp

when I gave you that
Montezuma swirly.

Come on.

- Spill your guts.
- No, I can't.

Why?

Why can't you tell me
what's going on?

Holden, how can I talk to you?

You're one of those guys
who has a tray

that makes boob-shaped Jell-O.
You once bought one of those

man-girls with the underwear
to lift and separate your butt.

You've got arthritis from
jerking off too many times.

I did not get arthritis.

It's carpal-tunnel syndrome.

Hey, Holden.

These gelatin boobs
are fantastic.

Yeah, they're sensitive,
aren't they?

You're so tense.

What you need is a date

with my two-dimensional
lady friend here.

She not only pulls out...

but she puts out.

What do you think, Sam?

It's the mass of the ass
directly proportional

to the beauty
of the cutie.

What?

See, that is the spirit.
When you're down in the dumper

you just gotta
laugh it off.

You know what?

That's actually a good idea.

How many surrealists does it
take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.

Look at this article.

It explains how feel-good endorphins
can make you smile.

Conversely, it says if you force
a smile on your face

you can trick your body
into releasing these same

feel-good endorphins,
which then make you happy.

Did you know that if you change
the "I's" in Mississippi

to "O's" you get
Mossossoppo.

Come on,
are those endorphins pumping'?

Come on, that's great.

Look at that face.

- Come on, look at that...
- Stop, Sam.

I appreciate the effort

and your comedy act.

It's a great success.

It's your audience
that's a total failure.

I gotta get
some new material.

Whoa!

Oh my God.

I think I broke it.

I think "busted it"
is a more appropriate phrase.

Does it hurt?

No, you didn't pop my boob,

you just poked a hole
in my Aqua bra.

Hey, I'm "Flat Chested,"
I mean I'm Annie.

Hi, I'm Sam.

What's an Aqua bra?

It's a brazier
that supplements the figure

with water implants.

See?

Thar she blows!

God.

Okay, okay.

It's a tickle,

I gotta remember to tell my
friend Hope about this.

- Oh, Hope on the top floor?
- Yeah.

She doesn't think
anything's funny.

What gave her
such a mood dunk?

Is she always like this?

No, when I first met her
she was pretty happy...

- I'll catch you later.
- Okay.

One day Hope came home
and something happened.

I haven't seen her
out of her room since,

but I work really weird hours
at the hospital

so maybe some of the other girls
have seen her around.

- It was nice meeting you.
- Yeah, you too.

Do you know Hope in 6D?

My acting coach told me
not to talk to anyone

while I'm doing my exercises.

Hey, Excuse me, miss,
do you know...?

What did he instruct
you to do,

act like a coffee-table?

No.

I'm the wind
blowing in the desert.

(radio announcer)

Hello?

Delivery.

Door's open.

Wow, what a great place
you got here.

I just delivered to that girl
Hope up in 6D.

Man her place was a wreck.

Do you know her?

Hi. I'm Sam.
I'm your coffee delivery guy.

I said, do you know
Hope in 6D?

Hey, I'm speaking to you,
Tanya.

Can you hear me say this?

You look like a man-eating
Amazon Princess

donning her warpaint
in preparation

for battle
in the corporate jungle.

Delivery boy,

could you bring me my espresso?

Oh!

I take it that's an order
from Tanya, Amazon Princess.

Your Majesty
commands me to bow down

before her
and fetch her coffee.

Well, I refuse.

I won't be your slave
no matter what you throw at me.

I'm not turned on by your
executrix,

power suit,
your war armor.

Your miniskirt loincloth
displays a powerful weapon...

your thighs,
which make me cower with lust.

And your brazier is like

a protective breastplate
you can tear away

to unsheathe
your most powerful weapon,

your hypnotic breasts.

Here's your coffee.

Oh and by the way,

I'm not the Amazon Princess,

I'm the Amazon Queen.

What are all these balloons for?

Some kid's birthday party.

How's the probe going?

Probe?
Oh, the investigation.

It's terrible.

Some of these girls
can be really mean.

There's this one girl Tanya,
she treats me like a total peon.

Pee on?

I didn't know you were
into watersports.

No, not like that.

God, Holden.

Do you ever think about
anything other than sex?

I say forget about Hope

and move on to someone
who's more probe-able.

No, it's not gonna happen.
I'm not giving up on her.

Come on, man,
wake up and smell the pussy.

You are totally
in love with her.

You think that if you
find her smile

she'll end up falling in love
with you like some fairy tale.

But more likely she'll end up
screwing you over

and you'll end up
taking it in the tail.

Okay, all right.

You know, I do love her
but I'm also her friend.

Something terrible happened
to her in that building.

I'm gonna find out
what that was

and maybe I can
make things right again.

Easy on those balloons,
you don't want to disappoint

the birthday... boy.

Wait a minute.

Today is your birthday.

Now that...

is what I call a blow job.

Check this out.
Oo-ooh.

Kaboom Monthly?

The definitive guide
for popping a boner.

Hey, when you're done,
can I look at that?

No!

Hello?
Delivery.

Got a delivery here.

Stop trying to find out
what happened to Hope.

Hey!

Who are you? Come back here!
I need to speak to you!

Please! Oh no,
where did you go?

Why don't you want me to find
out what's wrong with Hope?

Where are you?

Not so fast.

They say that toenails
are the teeth of the foot.

If that's true I'd say
you have a nice set of fangs.

Think you're funny?

Pretty cheese ball
if you ask me.

The same thing
could be said about

your record-setting toe jam.

Hey, you're that delivery boy
for that place Bart's

on the other side of the park,
aren't you?

Why thank you,
Captain Obvious.

That's not my name.

It's Willens.

And I manage this place.

And I don't like
you snooping around.

If I see you
around here again,

I'm gonna make sure
I call...

You almost hit me with that.

How'd you like it
if I loaded one up?

Go ahead,

make my day.

You gotta be joking.

Hey, I was just clearing
my nasal passages.

You were the one
making a thing of it.

All right. All right.
Don't go doing anything rash.

Take your fingers

off the nostril.

You first.

Same time.

(Willens laughing)

Ah-hh!

Eat it, Willens.

Go ahead,

pull the trigger.

- Pull on this.
- Get lost, Hoss.

At this point
the only thing I'd figured out

is why "detective"
is sometimes called a dick,

'cause that's exactly
what I had found out.

As a sleuth investigating
the mystery of Hope,

I had to find
a new strategy.

Hey, Sam.
Your rent is due.

#... I was thinking
it would be so exciting #

# There's so much
that we could do... #

Hey, Hope!

Look at this!

Hope!

Hey, Hope!
Come to the window!

Look at this!

#... The other day #

# He keeps on calling
but I met another boy instead #

# By the way... #

Hey, come on, Hope!

Look at this!
This is funny!

# I was thinking
it would be so exciting #

# And there's so much
that we could do #

# I wanna get with you... #

Hi. Okay, look,

I have to ask you something

and you have to promise
not to laugh.

Promise.

Ever since I met you
I always wanted

to take you to dinner
and the movies.

Okay.

- Just this once.
- Yeah.

- Give me a sec, okay?
- Sure.

So, do you think
that Hope is cute?

Oh, yeah, she is such a fox.

I think so too.
Get your hands off of her

- (door opening)
- Shh.

Come on in.

I love what
you've done to the place.

It's got a sort of post-modern-
Miss Havisham look to it.

Don't mind the mess.

It's okay.

Here you go.

So, I hear you used
to be a model.

If we're gonna talk about me
you're gonna have to leave.

Sorry.

It's just the other day
when you found me

I sort of feel like...

like you saved me.

And I just wanted
to say thank you.

I was gonna make some coffee,
do you want any?

Yeah, sure.

So you know,
like I said the other day

when I saw you...

You know what, actually
you don't owe me anything.

You know, it's...

I know I don't owe you anything.

I'm just trying
to be your friend.

Do you want any
cream or sugar?

I'll get some sugar.

I mean I'm just trying
to be your friend.

That's what friends do, right?
They help each other out.

- I'm gonna ask you to leave.
- What?

I shouldn't have done this and...

I just said I was trying
to be your friend.

I'm gonna give you
money for the meal.

- No, no, the meals on me.
- Will you please?

Yes Sam,
please, will you just go?

- Will you take the money?
- I'm not gonna take money.

- Please.
- No, forget it. I'm not gonna...

- Just take the money...
- No, no.

The meal... no, no.
The meal's on me.

Please, will you
at least go Dutch with me?

Okay.

That must be so difficult.

Ah-hh!

It's me, Sam,
it's Annie.

I just couldn't hear
over the wash machines.

I forgot I had that thing on.
It's a facial massager.

It's supposed to tighten
the muscles in my face

- so that I look thinner.
- Of course it is.

I think this piece
goes there

and this piece
goes here.

You're still missing
some pieces.

Why don't you draw in
the missing parts?

You went to the Art Institute, right?

I never finished.

I was so bad,
they made me turn in my beret.

Now the Royal Academy of Velvet
Painters won't accept me.

Can't even get my my work
shown in the Contemporary

- Museum of Stick Figure Art.
- Who cares?

The curators of that museum
have sticks up their butt.

Velvet painting
died with Elvis.

Berets?
They're not even real hats.

I've always thought that.
It's got no brim.

- Doesn't cover your ears.
- Nope.

It's not a hat.
It's a goddamn cap.

That's what it is.

Why do you have a pen
attached to your hip?

Because I am
the fastest draw in the West.

Really?

I had a bit of
a mishap at my prom.

I don't put pens
in my pockets anymore.

It's a bit of a long story.

You ever think about how far
an artist's hand has traveled?

Look at yourself sketching.

Your fingers are
in constant motion.

Every time you shade,
the pen moves

a couple of inches a second,
that's gotta add up.

This hand has traveled
long distances,

especially in the shower.

Seriously.

Do you know what my favorite
part of being an artist is?

It's the most honest
profession in the world.

How's that?

You can pretty much fake

being good at
any other profession

but as an artist either your
drawing is good or it's bad.

An artist just has to lay
everything on the line.

Yeah, literally.

Wait a second.

I've seen this somewhere before.

Gretchen: Here's the album
you wanted to borrow.

Took me a really
long time to find it.

I never listen to them anymore.

Welcome.
"How to see your ex-girlfriend

and live to tell about it..."

that is the subject
of today's class.

You didn't have to concoct
some story about wanting

to borrow some music just
to have an excuse to see me.

First, the guy must act nice

to prove that he can handle
the break up maturely.

No, I really wanted
to borrow the album.

But it is great to see you.

You finally got
your forehead pierced.

Looks good.

Being nice only makes the ex
think he wants

to get back together.
She, with undisguised pleasure,

reminds him that she is
the dumper and he is the dumpee.

I'm flattered you called,
but I broke up with you.

This doesn't mean that I want
to hook up with you again.

This unwarranted rejection

hurts like a kick to the shins.

Really, Sam.

Ah-hh!

The second punishment
sneaks up on you like a snake.

Ss-sss!

Now. Go.

Gretchen: I'm hot, I'm thirsty.
I'm hot, I'm thirsty!

Whatever happened
to those "Size 14" guys?

They cut one album,
then disappeared.

The evil she-dumper tortures
the poor dumpee with flirtations

he tries to avoid.

Did you tongue finally heal up?

- Oh yeah, it's never better.
- Really?

It was pretty good before.

The she-dumper
is a big prick-tease.

Does the scar tickle
the roof of your mouth?

Yeah, it does.
You should feel it.

When the dumped chump
flirts back

she stops flirting...

Sam, I told you,
we are definitely over.

...giving him a bad case

of blue balls.

I think I should be a lawyer.
But then again, I want to be a vet.

The final torment

is the worst.

What're we talking about?
I can't do any of those things,

- I suck.
- No, you're really smart.

You can do anything
you set your mind to.

By the way,
where am I taking you?

We're going to meet Carl.
I want you to be nice to him.

He's my new boyfriend.

Whoa!

It's a ball buster.

Sam, this is Carl.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sam: This album cover,
how did ripping it up

connect to what was
ripping up Hope's heart?

I played this album
until my ears bled.

I hope the lyrics might provide
some insight to me

or to anyone else
who listened to it.

# I touched her ass... #

Man: Hey, butthead,
turn down that music.

Please, listen.

Thanks for listening.

By the way
what are you today?

A Vietnam War Memorial.

Do you like music?

Whatcha doing back there?

Getting' ready to battle
in the corporate jungle?

Is that your warpaint?

God.

Why do I even try with her?

Do you mind if I call China?

Hey, why do you have your pager
number on speed dial?

Oh my God.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I was just trying
to make conversation.

How come you won't give me
the time of day?

Just give me my coffee.

No. Not until you give me
some answers.

- Give it to me.
- No.

Give me some straight answers
or the espresso gets it.

I got a lot on my mind today

and I don't have time to be
dealing with somebody like you.

With someone like me?

What, are you saying
I'm a lowly delivery guy?

I don't get it. You women have
always been treated like crap

by your boys club bosses
and now that you career girls

have finally clawed
your way to the top,

why do you treat people
below you the same way?

Maybe I wouldn't have to act
like such a bitch on wheels

if you guys weren't so angry
that I made more money than you.

Now give it to me.

Pretty cranky in the morning
without your caffeine fix.

You know what makes me angry
with women sometimes?

I am a gentleman.
I always open doors for women,

but when a woman is in front
of me at an entrance

nine times out of 10 she doesn't
hold the door open for me.

You want men to treat you
as equals but you won't give

- equal treatment to men.
- What do you want?

Respect. A "Hello."
A "How are you?" with feeling

would be great for starters.

Okay, how about a "Goodbye"
and "To hell with you"?

Ah-hh!

Stay.

Five bucks an hour.
The plumber can blow me.

Woman: Stop trying to find out
what happened to Hope.

See, all I have to do
is find the girl

who has this scar
on her behind...

And boom!
You can crack the case.

# Hey there, I just want
to tell ya #

# You're a beautiful girl #

# I got nothin' to lose #

# May I introduce myself? #

- What are you doing?
- # Hello #

# It's so nice to meet you #

# I'm the guy you don't want #

# And you must be the girl
I'll never have... #

I hope that water's
not too cold.

Rose petal,
rose petal, beauty.

Today I'm my vagina.

To really complete
that assignment

you should add
an orgasm to it.

Oo-ooh, yeah.

# Hello, it's so nice
to meet you #

# I'm the guy you don't want #

# And you must be the girl
I'll never have... #

Harder.

Deeper.

Oh yes, yes.

Do you know that phrase,

"Behind every great man,
there's a great woman"?

I'm sort of afraid that I'll
never be a great man

because I can't get
my great woman.

I prefer the corollary,

"Behind every great woman,
there's a great man.

I'm serious here.

Is it impossible
to become a great man

without a great woman?

What is this?
We don't stock these.

I ordered those for me.

"Older & Bolder" magazine.

"Grannies & Fannies
Illustrated."

"Wide Load Review."

- "Stump Monthly."
- Shut up.

I'm tired of you acting like you're
from the buckle of the Bible belt.

At least I have faced
the awful truth.

What awful truth?

I am gross.

All men are.
And every day

we face the endless nightmare,

love handle by love handle.

Nose hair by nose hair,

we are becoming
more grotesque versions

of the cute boys
we once were.

It is impossible to stop
the hoards of time

from destroying our muscle tone
and leave us

with these defeated,
saggy male boobies.

But I am at peace.

I have come to grips
with the horror

that has become me.

So how does "Moist & Midget"
magazine improve your image?

Because men are gross
on the inside too.

That's why these magazines sell.

A woman's pussy mound
is a slippery slope.

Sex is a narcotic,
and you my friend,

are addicted just like me.

Only you're at
the smoking marijuana stage.

I'm at the heroine stage.

More like
the speed-balling stage.

Good one.
Now my point is

an addict needs a bigger
and bigger fix

each time just to get
the same high.

That's why they move on
to the hard stuff.

Sex is the same way.

You gotta get something
kinkier and kinkier

just to get the same thrill
in your drill.

Okay, so hence,
"America's Hairiest" magazine?

I don't know
if "America's Hairiest"

is gonna give me donkey dick.

But I'm a stoner for a boner

and these magazines
are somebody's fix.

They might get my pecker high,
they might not.

You are so far off.
You're not even wrong.

It is so much better
with a woman.

Don't fool yourself.

The straight screw
is the methadone of sex.

It'll keep you from
the hard stuff for awhile,

sooner or later you will
roll off your old lady,

just like an addict
falls off the wagon.

Accept it, Sam.

You and I are alike.

Your weirdness is one step away
from my grossness.

You enrolled in art school
so you could see naked women.

That is no different than me
looking at dirty pictures.

It's completely different.

One is art

and the other
is pornography.

Yes, but once you
start down that dark path

forever will it dominatrix
your destiny.

Join me.

I'll never join you.

It's in your blood, Sam.

I am your cousin.

No-oo!

Now Holden and I did have
some of the same DNA,

and this meant that I could have
the same genetic inclination

as him towards becoming
the Grand Poobah of Perversion.

It had me spooked.

(pounding on door)

Trick or treat.

I should have guessed.

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm Popeye.

And what am I supposed to be?

You my dear,
are a Freudian slip.

- You know what I can't stand?
- Kids: Trick or treat.

People who aren't
who they say they are.

Like, take for instance,
wise old Mahatma Gandhi.

Did you know that in a speech
advocating non-violent protest,

he once said that Mussolini
wasn't a bad man?

I had the same feeling when I
saw a comic book about the Pope.

What does the Pope
need a comic book for?

Yeah and who are the idiots
that want to read

- a comic book on the Pope?
- Yeah, exactly. Like,

"What do I want,
Batman or the Pope?"

Like the Popemobile
is as cool as the Batmobile.

I'm gonna get
some more candy.

Don't get me wrong
or anything,

I'm not a Bible basher.

I'm an equal opportunity
curmudgeon.

I also hate the jerks on
the other end of the spectrum.

You know the ones...
at those old beat-up cars...

with the bumper sticker
on the bottom there

that says, like,
"Don't laugh,

your daughter might be
in the trunk."

Sam:
His name is Richard Blaine.

I think he's the peckerhead
who broke Hope's heart.

This party was the perfect place

for us to get the girls
to give us the skinny on him.

Gotcha.
Let's probe.

My friend Richard Blaine
used to do an acting exercise

exactly like that.

This isn't an exercise.

This is how I dance.

Do you know a guy
named Richard Blaine?

Carl!

Has anyone ever told you,
you got a rack that should be bronzed?

Beat it.

My friend Richard Blaine
loves puzzles like this.

Do you know him?

- Did you get it done?
- Yeah.

Hey, hey wait!

How do you get out
of this thing?

Whatcha doing?

Finger fucking?

No.

It's a Chinese finger puzzle.

The harder I pull,

the more stuck I become.

That happened to me once,
except it wasn't in a puzzle,

it was in an Asian chick.

What was her name?

Chew Me Wang.

This thing has got me thinking,

Hope is a lot like this puzzle.

The harder I try,

the further I get away
from solving it.

If you want to find out what
happened to Hope

do exactly as I say

and keep absolutely quiet.

Now wait here.

If you want to have
the greatest sex of your life

do exactly as I say

Oo-ooh!
Kinky.

You know what gets me hot?

Doing it in complete silence.

Shh!

What are you doing?

Sam?

Holden?

I told you to stop trying to
find out what happened to Hope,

but you wouldn't listen.

You know that
Chinese finger puzzle?

Yeah?

It doesn't just work on fingers.

Both: Ah! Ah!

Ah-hh!

Oh God!
Holden, lower your puppy.

Lower your puppy.

Hey, it's the wiseguy.

This way.
Come on, this way.

This way.

Now cough.

Oh man, my heart's
beating so fast

I can't reduce the blood flow.

You guys have been
in the bathroom a long time.

What's the hold up?

- How you doing, Holden?
- No luck, I need inspiration.

I need impotence inspiring

imagery.

What is this?

Check out this fat chick.
She is a real Bahama Mama.

She is fatty, fatty,
fat, fat.

- Oh, I think it's working.
- Is it?

- Yes...
- Really?

It is.

Nothing like something saggy
to make you go soggy.

Here, try it.

It's you, isn't it?

What do you say I take you out
for a cup of coffee?

No.

I can't, my mascara's
all smeared.

And I smeared my eyebrow tint.

It's okay. It's okay,
you can wipe it off.

I can't,
I just spilled the remover.

I'm a freak.

Come on, Annie.
Let me take you out.

See?

We can be freaks together.

People back then
used to call me Gargantu-Ann.

Now I'm what they'd call
nothing special,

nothing scary.

I think you're very cute.

Thanks.

Let me see.

It's pretty good.

When I was a little kid

they used to say
that I look like

one of those strange
Dr. Seuss creatures

and called me "Sam I am"

from "Green Eggs and Ham."

And when they teased me,

you know what I used to do
to cheer myself up?

"I like to eat them
when they're hot,

I'd also eat them
mixed with snot."

"I'll eat them
in the morning dew,

I'll eat them till
I have to spew."

"I like to eat
green eggs and ham,"

Both:
"Yes I do, Sam I am."

Good night, "Sam I am."

Good night, Annie.

(woman moaning)

Tanya, are you okay?

(moaning,
buzzing)

Woman:
Tanya, are you home?

It's Peggy, open up.

Tanya!

Where have you been?
I've been calling.

- My phone's off the hook.
- This is your big break.

- What are you talking about?
- There's a breaking story

on Spring St.
And Charles says it runs.

- Now?
- They want you on camera.

- Oh my God!
- Now!

I'm serious man,
her pager is her vibrator.

I always wondered why she set
her pager on speed dial.

It's that new speed
dial-aid service.

(both laughing)

Come here.

We gotta stop laughing.

I'm still recovering from
that Chinese puzzle.

Hurts, doesn't it?

"Hi, we're at Loyola High School
with Mr. Delgado..."

Do you know her pager number?

I think it was like,
555-0068 or something.

Why?

I'm testing out your theory.

No, Holden, don't.

Give me that.

You know what your problem is?

You're pussy-whipped and you're
not even getting any pussy.

This Tanya is treating
you like scum

and you stand up for her

because she makes
your pecker stand up.

Now give me the phone!
Give me that!

Go screw yourself!

Precisely.

That is the only way
to stop a woman

from using your dick
as a stick shift

and driving you around town
on a full tank of your hormones.

Take it from me.

I cannot tell you the number
of times a girl's got me

to fix her car
or paint her house

or take her husband
to the airport.

Or go to the damn
Farmer's Market

and sit through
the pain-in-the-ass opera.

Shut up, Jason.
Shut up!

No, Jason's right.
He's a meathead, but he's right.

Listen, Sam.

I did all kinds
of these things

because a guy's
backed-up balls

are the biggest reservoir of
hope this world has ever seen.

Trying to get laid
by fixing a fan belt

is your fault, Holden,
yours!

Oh, Samuel, you are so full
of man gravy.

Now listen!
You need to be more like me

and take matters
into your own hands.

Why do you think
they call it masturbate?

Because it allows you to be
the master of your own fate.

And it's not just
a physical release,

it is the release
of women's control over you.

Jason.
(Holden whistling)

You don't need them,
they can't manipulate you.

I'm doing this
for your own good.

Today is your Independence Day.

"...that after watching
this amazing story...

(buzzing)
That if anyone

deserves

a...

um-mm...
a um...

a miracle can happen...

Holden, you're such a...

a dick!

And so are you.

Sam:
After standing up for Tanya,

I decided I should stand up
for myself,

especially with
the evil she-dumper Gretchen.

You know what, Gretchen?
It just occurred to me,

- you're just like this bike.
- I'm cold, I'm thirsty.

I'm cold, I'm thirsty.
I'm cold, I'm thirsty...

You're so directionless.

I don't know what I want to do.
On one hand

I could be a graphic designer,
or I could be a singer.

Or I could be a doctor,
or I could be a pet detective.

- Or I could be...
- And I'm always pumping up

your ego, like,
"You're very creative..."

- I'm creative?
- "You're very smart..."

- I'm smart?
- "You're very sexy."

I'm sexy?
I am sexy.

You're really high maintenance.

- Come on, let's go.
- But Carl's the other way.

- But I gotta go now.
- You wouldn't even

have this bike
if I hadn't given you mine.

You know what? It's your bike
and you can keep it

because it's
a real piece of work.

All right.

I'll give it to Carl.
I don't need you to ride my bike.

What happened to the brakes?

Sam, help!

Sugar with the coffee,
right?

Yeah, please.

You know what I saw on the
shopping channel the other day?

No.

They're selling
action figures of the Pope.

Really?

What are you doing
with my box?

Thought we could
play checkers.

So what do you

do when there's something
you really want

but you know you can
never have it?

You become a delivery guy
for your uncle.

I mean, becoming an artist,

is that what you always
wanted to do?

Yeah.

So then why did you quit?

Because a favorite teacher
told me I couldn't draw.

People are wrong all the time.

Why don't you draw me?

Forget it.

I used to pose
for art classes all the time.

I could never do you justice.

If you draw me,
I'll show you my etchings.

I'm sure your etchings
are a masterpiece.

Really need to see
the crosshatching

to appreciate it.

- Let's see.
- No. It's terrible.

Come on.
Let me see.

I let you see.

That's not terrible.

Where do you think it's bad?

Look at the spatial
relationships.

They're too exaggerated.

Barely looks like you.
I made you funny looking.

It's like a five-year-old
did this.

I was just watching
a special on Picasso.

You know what he said
about his own drawings?

That he strived
to draw like a child.

Because he said that
a child's drawings

aren't affected by rules and
they are extremely expressive.

They truthfully show
what's inside the child.

But I wasn't striving
to draw like a child.

It just happened by mistake.

Maybe our mistakes
are really our style.

Maybe we make mistakes

because deep down
we really want to make them.

Tanya:
I lost my job thanks to you.

I didn't make those calls.

It was my cousin, Holden.
His dad owns this place.

It's true,
I tried to stop him.

You're lying.

No, Holden and me got into
a big fight about it.

- Oh, yeah, right.
- Just because I'm a guy

doesn't mean I'm out
to screw you.

- Why do you hate men so much?
- Women are superior to men.

- Like how?
- Like you can't have babies.

Like you can't open jars
of peanut butter.

Women mature faster.

Men are faster at getting out
of the bathroom.

All serial killers are men.

Almost all cereal box
mascots are men.

Women can have
multiple orgasms.

- We don't have to fake them.
- Women live longer.

It's the only way
we can get away from you.

You can't take
anything seriously.

You can't take a joke.

I don't need a man for a thing.

You can just
set your beeper on vibrate.

Okay! So,
put your hands up, hairball!

That is real good,
pretty lady.

That's... okay, here it is.
Here's the deal.

Hey! I said put your hands up!

I don't want any funny business.

There are 20,000 comedians
out of work

and I don't need you to act funny
like a bump on a log.

Let me tell you what
this is all about.

Every day I come in here
and say, "Hey, pal.

Can you spare a cup of coffee,
cream, a little sugar...

a little sugar?" And every day...
every damn day

you give me rag time.
Well guess what?

Today you're on the rag.
You understand what I'm saying?

It's your turn.

So I want you to open
that cash register,

take out all of the cash

and while you're at it,
let's see...

give me a pack of smokes,
ultra light 100s,

a package of breath mints

and that wet lubricant stuff.

I'm gonna party tonight.
I am.

And you know what?
I'm gonna party on your dime.

Do you know what it's like
to party on your dime?

- It's sort of like dancing...
- (Tanya moaning)

You don't want
to get me pissed off.

(moaning louder)

...if you do not open
that cash register drawer

- and give me...
(alarm rings)

Oh God.

I thought you said you didn't
need a man for anything.

Oh, please.

You couldn't have
done that without me.

(banging on door)
Hope!

Come on, Hope.
Open up.

- Sam.
- They're evicting you.

That's what happens
when you don't go to work,

get a paycheck
and pay your rent.

Would you please just leave?

No, I'm not leaving
until I get some answers.

You're not helping.

At least tell me when
this is gonna be over.

I don't know.

I keep looking for proof.

Proof of what?

Sam, you've been really sweet.

I think it's best we
say goodbye now.

Hey.

I'm not gonna leave.

I'll stay out here forever
if I have to.

I heard you and Hope before.

I baked you this.
It's chocolate, my favorite.

Naw. No thanks.

It'll make you feel better.

Every time I was sad,
I had one of these.

Does it work?

It worked for me
100s of times.

You should keep it then,
you know?

Hello, my name is Annie,
I'm a choc-aholic.

I've been cocoa-free for
one year, three months

and six days.

I have a bite of this
and I'm an addict again.

I'm sorry, I forgot.
Here, let me give it a taste.

That's good.

Did you know that chocolate
has the same chemical in it

that your body produces
when you're in love?

- Is that true?
- I don't know for sure.

I've...

never been in love before,
but that's what they say.

- You have nice legs.
- No.

Please, stop looking at them.

Let me see your butt.

No, I don't want you
to see my legs,

I'm certainly not gonna
let you see my butt.

It occurred to me that
I never checked out your butt

- to see if it has the scar...
- No, I don't have a scar.

Let me see the butt.
It's not a big deal.

Just stop it!

Don't worry, Annie, no one
has to look at your behind.

You can just let big strong
handsome guy like me

get in touch with
Ms. Sweet Cheeks

That's not fair, Mr. Hand
gets to have all the fun.

That's not true,
Senior Chin.

Johnnie One Eye gets
to have all the fun.

Correction, Sir Belly,

Johnnie One Eye
is locked up tight.

He never gets to see
the light of day.

You can't keep me
in here forever.

I will rise again.

Oh, Johnnie,
I hate it when we're apart.

You're in a Shakespeare
of Body Part Theater.

Well...

If this is the theater,

then I think
you're missing something.

A woman

so beautiful...

needs a diamond necklace
for when she goes to a show.

You like that?

If you're my date

then you...

are a little bit underdressed,
I think.

# From the minute that
I'm walking out my door #

# There's a million girls
I've never seen before... #

Oh peese, give me a kiss.

# They're so beautiful #

# And I can't take it... #

No, no, a real kiss.

# Gotta get out of this
state I'm in #

# It's the kind of game I play
but I just... #

Please give me a real kiss.

Woo-who!

# Every day I fall
in love again #

How about one with some tongue?

# It's the kind of game I play #

# But I just can't win #

# Every day I fall
in love again. #

# Every day I fall in love,
that's right. #

- Hey, Annie?
- Hey, Sam I am.

Does this building
have a storage place?

In the basement, why?

I thought maybe Hope
had stored something down there.

Maybe we can find something out.

What?

Nothing, I just...

I kinda figured
we were together.

We are together.

I'm so happy right now.

Why are you still trying to find
out what's wrong with Hope?

Because she's my friend.

Don't go down there.

Hey, look,

nothing's wrong, okay?

- It's okay.
- Please, Sam.

Why?

Are you jealous?

I don't know.

I'm new at this.

I told you it's the first time
I've had a real boyfriend.

Just makes me feel funny.

It's okay.

- Just do one thing for me.
- What?

Just stop trying to help Hope.

No, I can't.
I'm sorry.

She's my friend.
I'm not going to abandon her.

(women laughing)

That's right, motherfucker!
That's right!

There's the peeping Tom.

He's in the wall!
He's in the wall!

He's in the wall, girls!
Help me!

(women shouting)

Tanya:
Get him, girls! Get him!

Ow!

Annie!

Annie, come on,
open the door, please.

I don't want to see you anymore.
You made your choice.

Come on, please, Annie,
open the door.

Go away.

I should have figured
it was you.

Hold him still.

Wait, I can explain.

# Now gone and got
your first girlfriend #

# Yeah your livin' dream #

# Had an accident
at 10:00 recess #

# All the kids laughed
and screamed #

How's that portable
pocket-pussy going?

That's not what it is.

Sure it is.
Look at that thing.

You've got a little
nickname for it.

You call it Sucky Sue.

I know you can't wait
to get your tongue in there

and lube it up.

Shut up.
It's my turn to talk.

This device is for my im...

"important" problem.
I can't even say the word,

but let's just say
that's how it's spelled,

like important.
You know how... how drug addicts

do so many drugs
they can't get high anymore?

That's what happened to me.
I have overdosed on hard core

and now I can't get a hard on.

Sam: While Holden was telling me
about his important problem

that's when I heard it.

Announcer: "What was Humphrey
Bogart's character's name

in the classic film
'Casablanca'?"

- Contestant: "Richard Blaine."
- Announcer: "Richard Blaine.

- That was the name..."
- What? What?

- Oh, here I'll shut it off.
- "...the winner of $500, Dan.

Congratulations.

- Tune in tomorrow..."
- Shouldn't have got that used.

Richard Blaine as in,
"Play it again, Sam."

Might as well have been,
"You've been played, Sam."

But I wasn't gonna be
played any longer.

I now had a hunch.
I just needed to test it.

Mr. Willens, please let me by
this one last time.

You take one more step forward,

you're gonna
find yourself in chunks,

in my stool.

And no one's gonna care.

I'm just protecting the girls
from the likes of you.

You're the one
they need protection from.

Who's gonna believe you?

They will when they find out that you're
the grossest man alive.

The second grossest.
Let my friend go.

How are you gonna
make me do that?

Oh gee, now I'm...

Come on, girls!

Hello, ladies.

So that's my story.

And I can tell by the looks
on your faces

there's gonna be only one way
I'll convince you to let me go.

Will you let me show you?

See, this is irrefutable proof
that men are gross.

The way I should
be more precise,

men without women
are absolutely gross.

I did all of this,
everything for a woman.

Men need you.

Men need women
to save us from ourselves.

All right, let him go.

I brought you down,
you circus freak.

So you're the one
who paged me, huh?

- How did you find out?
- Sam.

He told me you guys had
a falling out over it.

Yeah.

Well, he was right.
Men are gross.

And I'm the perfect example.

He forgot to mention one thing.

That men can also be heroic.

I think it's a noble thing that
you did coming to his rescue.

Why did you do it?

I didn't want him
to end up like me.

Hey.

Hi, I wanted to make sure
after the other night

that we're still good,
we're still friends.

Of course.

How did you know?

All the clues,
they were red herrings.

What's going on?

Please don't be mad.

I don't even know
where to start.

Why don't you start
by telling me

if you've really been sad
for all these months.

Yes.

The whole time.
Will you please sit?

I lost someone close to me.

Jesse. He was my best friend
in the whole world

ever since I can remember.

We'll need some hair on it.

Six months ago
everything changed.

Jesse.

- What?
- What are you doing?

(mumbling)
I'm just tired of being friends.

You know?

I wanna be your boyfriend.

Haven't you ever

thought of me that way before?

Not really.

You've always been
a true friend.

Someone that I can trust.

Like a brother.

You've always been this guy

that has never failed
to make me smile.

That's so nice,

but I want more than this.

Okay? If I wanted a friend
I'd go hang out with the guys.

Men don't want female friends.

All men want are girlfriends.

So why don't we just kiss

and see if there's
any sparks between us, okay?

Jesse.

Jesse, please don't.

I don't get this.

Last week I see you make out
with some guy in the rain

after knowing him for an hour,
but you won't kiss me?

I've known you all my life.

Let's just kiss
and see how it feels.

- All right, let's just kiss...
- No, Jesse, no.

- Jesse, please...
- Just give me...

Stop!
Get off!

You owe me this, Hope, okay?

- Give me a fucking kiss.
- Get off! Stop it!

Just shut up!
Give me a kiss.

Stop it!
Get off!

Get off me!

Fucking...

Hope:
That's when I came to believe

that I could never trust
a man's friendship

because a man was only doing it
because he wanted more.

And if I couldn't trust
a man as a friend,

how could I ever trust
a man as a lover?

Then I met you again.

Hope!

Hello, Sam.

Hope:
I told Annie about everything

'cause she and I had become
really close.

He's at it again.

If Sam could prove
that he was your true friend

would you let him
be your true love?

And what is Santa Claus
bringing you for Christmas?

Couldn't hurt to see
how far he'll go.

Ever since I met you
I wanted to take you

to dinner and the movies.

He's out there.
What do I do?

He just wants to know why
you're so sad.

Let's give him some clues.

An album cover?
That's not a clue.

But Sam doesn't know that.

We should just stop.
I'm gonna be even more depressed

when Sam turns out to be
just like Jesse.

We can't, we're in too deep.

Oh, here he comes.
Here he comes.

I cried my eyes out.

Oh and then write,
"That Richard Blaine

knows nothing about love."

Finally something
presented itself.

I think Sam likes me.

Just do one thing for me.

Stop trying to help Hope.

Hope: I didn't plan
for this final test.

No.

She's my friend,
I can't abandon her.

But it all seemed worth it.

You still wanted to be my friend
even after you had a girlfriend.

And at the risk
of losing a girlfriend.

And that's when I had proof
that you are for real.

You are a true friend.

And now I've fallen
completely in love with you.

Then why aren't you
smiling now?

- Because you're not smiling.
- What did you expect?

I knew I was weird,
but I didn't know I was stupid.

You're not stupid.

What you think is weird

I find charming.

And what you call
accidentally funny

I call plain funny.

It's the way
to a woman's heart.

By making her smile.

And you've made me smile.

Yeah, but all of this...

none of it's real.

This is real.

Gretchen:
Carl, schnell!

Schnell, it hurts!

God, hurry up,
you idiot!

What's wrong with you?
These painkillers suck!

You suck!
Ah-hh!

Dummkopf!

Where did everything go?

Dumpster.

That Willens guy
gave me the willies.

That could've been me
in a year.

Months maybe.

Yeah. I had a feeling.

Aren't you gonna need
some of this stuff?

Not since Tanya
and I hooked up.

All right.
I'm happy for you, my friend.

Sam,

check this out.

Come on.

That's funny.

Talk to me.

What?

I'm not blind.

Something's wrong
if a cartoon on my ass

isn't making you smile.

No, I'm okay.

You've got a problem.

You love me, but you think
you might also love Annie.

No, I don't.

Well, she loves you.

She didn't plan it,
but it happened.

And I know you care
for her too.

And I love you, Sam.

And I want you so bad.

And there's a million smiles
ahead for us to share

and I could make you
love me more.

But it's...

time for me to be
a friend to you.

What are you talking about?

I'm not letting you go,

but I'm setting you free.

You have to decide
for yourself.

# Hey you, it's been
going on forever #

# The time has come
when I confirm #

# The way I feel for you #

# Hey you, I think
we should be together #

# I know that
I belong with you #

# Deep inside my heart #

# We had our ups and downs #

# It's been this way before... #

Annie, I need to talk to you.

What do you want?

You know what is worse than not
being able to find someone's smile?

No.

Making someone
lose theirs.

I wanna help you
get yours back.

I'll find it myself

when I get to the bottom of this
chocolate chocolate chip.

Annie, I love you.

It's kind of hard
for me to believe

considering everything
you've done for her.

It's true.
You remember all those drawings

I did the other night when I was
camped outside of Hope's door?

They weren't of her.
They were of you.

They're all of you.
That means something, right?

You're confused.
You've hurt Gargantu-Ann,

the girl who's fat
but has a great personality.

Now you feel guilty.

You think you care about me
but it's just pity.

- Goodbye, Sam.
- No, Annie don't.

I'm not leaving here
until you look at these.

Annie, please.

# We had our ups and downs #

# It's been this way before #

# I'm feeling
like a stranger to you #

# It's turning me round #

# Going up, going down #

# But I can't stop... #

What's in the case?
Got any dirty pictures in here?

Give it back.

Hey, you know,

the cops came by
and talked to me the other day.

Now I gotta take this cab
down to the station

and answer some more questions.

Those drawings are irreplaceable.
Will you please give them back?

Hey!

These are all the same girl.

That bitch, Annie.

Give it back.

Why should I?

If you do, I won't tell the cops
you were in those passageways.

I need those drawings to show Annie
how much I care for her.

If I lose the drawings,
I'm gonna lose Annie.

Now give them back!

I may be the pervert
the cops are looking for

but I'm not going down for it.

Huh-uh. No.

I think I'm gonna keep these.

I think the cops
may be curious about these.

All the same girl.

Looks to me
like you got an obsession.

I think the cops
are gonna perk up

when I tell them
you've been stalking her.

See ya in court, sport.

- No!
- Let 'em go, Willens.

Undercover Detective,
you're under arrest.

- What? I didn't do nothing.
- Oh, yeah.

I wasn't on my knees
praying all those times.

I was on my knees
planting listening devices.

We know all about you.
Get in.

11th precinct, please.

I think somebody's
lost their smile.

Come on girls,
we can't lose one single paper.

Go, go, go!

- Here you go, Sam.
- Thank you.

- Here you go, Sam.
- Here.

- Ready to go, Sam.
- For you.

- Found this.
- Here's one.

Annie!

Annie, come to the window!

Please!

Annie!

Come on,
come to the window!

Please, Annie!

# Can't you see? #

Annie look at it. Come on,
please, really look at it.

# Close my eyes #

# You're the only one
that leaves me #

# Completely breathless... #

Annie!
Are you crazy?

Can't you see how much
Sam cares about you?

# 'Cause I... #

# Wanted to fly,
so you gave me your wings #

# So you gave me your wings... #

Annie, I love you!

This is the only way I can
get you to see how I feel!

# So I could see, yeah,
so I could see #

# I wanted to fly,
so you gave me your wings #

# So you gave me your wings #

# And time... #

# Held its breath
so I could #

# See...
yeah #

# And you set me free. #

# 2000 kisses
keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses
that's what I take #

# 2000 kisses listen to me #

# I'm used to getting #

# Everyone bring #

# 2000 kisses
who wants to sleep? #

# 2000 kisses everyone needs #

# So come on, come on #

# Get to my door #

# And I will give you
10,000 more... #

# I know what I need
I know we belong #

# Don't wanna a weak love
I like it strong #

# I'll play the princess
and I'll be the vamp #

# Your love needs a knockout
and I'll be the champ #

# 2000 kisses
keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses
that's what I take #

# 2000 kisses
listen to me #

# I'm used to getting #

# Everyone bring #

# 2000 kisses
who wants to sleep? #

# 2000 kisses
everyone needs #

# So come on, come on #

# Get to my door #

# And I will give you
10,000 more... #

# 2000 kisses
keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses
that's what I take #

# 2000 kisses
listen to me #

# I'm used to getting #

# Everyone bring #

# 2000 kisses
who wants to sleep? #

# 2000 kisses
everyone needs #

# So come on, come on #

# Get to my door #

# And I will give you
10,000 more #

# 2000 kisses keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses
that's what I take... #

The End

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