Original subtitles

{1371}{1409}Thank you.

{1539}{1585}Thank you, thank you.

{1906}{1954}Thank you very much.

{1970}{1999}Thank you.

{2001}{2051}I'm a modern man.

{2053}{2093}A man for the millennium.

{2095}{2144}Digital and smoke free.

{2146}{2185}A diversified,|multi-cultural,

{2187}{2230}post-modern deconstructionist.

{2232}{2321}Politically, anatomically|and ecologically incorrect.

{2323}{2365}I've been up-linked|and downloaded.

{2367}{2401}I've been inputted|and outsourced.

{2403}{2443}I know the upside|of downsizing.

{2445}{2499}I know the|downside of upgrading.

{2501}{2542}I'm a high-tech low life.

{2544}{2584}A cutting edge,|state of the art,

{2586}{2627}bi-coastal multi-tasker,

{2629}{2737}and I can give you a|gigabyte in a nanosecond.

{2739}{2773}I'm new wave,

{2775}{2805}but I'm old school.

{2807}{2863}And my inner child|is outward bound.

{2865}{2897}I'm a hot-wired,|heat seeking,

{2899}{2932}warm-hearted cool customer.

{2934}{2994}Voice-activated|and biodegradable.

{2996}{3033}I interface from a database,

{3035}{3079}my database is in cyberspace.

{3081}{3111}So I'm interactive,

{3113}{3161}I'm hyperactive|and from time to time,

{3163}{3222}I'm radioactive.

{3350}{3379}Behind the eight ball,

{3381}{3405}ahead of the curve,

{3407}{3442}riding the wave,|dodging the bullet,

{3444}{3477}pushing the envelope.

{3479}{3509}I'm on point, on task,

{3511}{3562}on message and off drugs.

{3564}{3609}I got no need|for coke and speed.

{3611}{3666}I got no urge|to binge and purge.

{3668}{3703}I'm in the moment,|on the edge,

{3705}{3753}over the top|but under the radar.

{3755}{3795}A high concept, low profile,

{3797}{3844}medium range|ballistic missionary.

{3846}{3889}A streetwise smart bomb.

{3891}{3930}A top gun bottom feeder.

{3932}{3957}I wear power ties.

{3959}{3985}I tell power lies.

{3987}{4016}I take power naps.

{4018}{4053}I run victory laps.

{4055}{4103}I'm a totally|ongoing big foot,

{4105}{4176}slam-dunk rainmaker|with a proactive outreach.

{4178}{4215}A raging workaholic.

{4217}{4254}A working rageaholic.

{4256}{4359}Out of rehab and in denial.

{4569}{4597}I got a personal trainer,

{4599}{4620}a personal shopper,

{4622}{4649}a personal assistant

{4651}{4704}and a personal agenda.

{4706}{4739}You can't shut me up.

{4741}{4783}You can't dumb me down.

{4785}{4837}Because I'm tireless|and I'm wireless.

{4839}{4948}I'm a alpha male|on beta blockers.

{4950}{5003}I'm a non-believer|and an overachiever.

{5005}{5064}Laid back but fashion forward.

{5066}{5095}Up front, down home,

{5097}{5136}low rent,|high maintenance.

{5138}{5172}Super size, long lasting,

{5174}{5214}high definition, fast-acting,

{5216}{5267}oven-ready and built to last.

{5269}{5302}I'm a hands-on, footloose,

{5304}{5333}knee jerk head case.

{5335}{5369}Prematurely post-traumatic,

{5371}{5498}and I have a love child|who sends me hate mail.

{5500}{5528}But I'm feeling.

{5530}{5547}I'm caring.

{5549}{5569}I'm healing.

{5571}{5593}I'm sharing.

{5595}{5670}A supportive, bonding,|nurturing primary caregiver.

{5672}{5724}My output is down,|but my income is up.

{5726}{5782}I take a short position|on the long bond.

{5784}{5847}And my revenue stream|has its own cash flow.

{5849}{5876}I read junk mail.

{5878}{5902}I eat junk food.

{5904}{5931}I buy junk bonds.

{5933}{5967}I watch trash sports.

{5969}{6031}I'm gender specific,|capital intensive,

{6033}{6131}user friendly|and lactose intolerant.

{6186}{6223}I like rough sex.

{6230}{6258}I like rough sex.

{6260}{6288}I like tough love.

{6290}{6327}I use the F word in my email.

{6329}{6373}And the software|in my hard drive

{6375}{6453}is hardcore, no soft porn.

{6455}{6500}I bought a microwave|at a mini mall.

{6502}{6554}I bought a minivan|at a megastore.

{6556}{6614}I eat fast food|in the slow lane.

{6616}{6661}I'm toll free, bite size,

{6663}{6743}ready to wear and|I come in all sizes.

{6745}{6805}A fully equipped,|factory authorized,

{6807}{6836}hospital tested,|clinically proven,

{6838}{6870}scientifically formulated

{6872}{6902}medical miracle.

{6905}{6949}I've been prewashed,|precooked, preheated,

{6951}{6983}prescreened, preapproved,

{6985}{7016}prepackaged, post-dated,

{7019}{7064}freeze dried, double|wrapped, vacuum packed

{7066}{7181}and I have an unlimited|broadband capacity.

{7405}{7468}I'm a rude dude,|but I'm the real deal.

{7471}{7505}Lean and mean.

{7508}{7559}Cocked, locked|and ready to rock.

{7562}{7608}Rough, tough|and hard to bluff.

{7610}{7635}I take it slow.

{7638}{7660}I go with the flow.

{7663}{7686}I ride with the tide.

{7689}{7730}I got glide in my stride.

{7732}{7758}Driving and moving.

{7760}{7784}Sailing and spinning.

{7786}{7813}Jiving and grooving.

{7816}{7843}Wailing and winning.

{7845}{7897}I don't snooze,|so I don't lose.

{7899}{7929}I keep the pedal to the metal

{7931}{7963}and the rubber on the road.

{7966}{7993}I party hearty.

{7995}{8047}And lunch time is crunch time.

{8049}{8079}I'm hanging in.

{8081}{8113}There ain't no doubt.

{8115}{8154}And I'm hanging tough.

{8157}{8210}Over and out.

{8301}{8325}Thank you.

{8334}{8403}Thank you.

{8405}{8451}Thank you very much.

{8533}{8573}Thank you.

{8647}{8730}Hey, I got 341 days sober

{8732}{8797}and next year's my 50th|anniversary in show business.

{8799}{8874}Let's do a fucking show, huh?

{9168}{9197}You know something

{9199}{9253}people don't talk|about in public anymore?

{9255}{9305}Pussy farts.

{9584}{9636}So anyway.

{9705}{9757}Now I said that|on my last HBO show

{9760}{9794}and apparently some people

{9797}{9873}don't know what|a pussy fart is,

{9876}{9960}because I got some inquiries.

{9962}{10018}Here's the deal.

{10020}{10107}A pussy fart is like when|you're making love to a woman

{10109}{10208}who's got a little|extra air in her vagina

{10210}{10255}and every time|you thrust forward,

{10258}{10295}it's kind of a...

{10756}{10794}And the two of you|are just lying there.

{10796}{10905}Each of you is just wondering|if the other one farted.

{10908}{10950}And the man is|usually thinking,

{10953}{11060}"Maybe she farts|when she comes.

{11063}{11157}Maybe she took a shit.

{11160}{11243}Man, I gotta stay out|of that fucking bar".

{11428}{11553}Another word you don't hear|too often is dingleberries.

{11556}{11662}You know you never hear|it on "Meet The Press".

{11665}{11749}The dingleberry solution,|dingleberry gate.

{11751}{11790}Nothin'.

{11792}{11831}I think it's|because dingleberries

{11833}{11861}is one of them words

{11864}{11890}you don't say too much

{11893}{11959}past your 10th birthday.

{11962}{12001}It's not a grownup's word.

{12004}{12032}It's a kid's word.

{12034}{12100}Dingleberries.

{12102}{12222}It always sounded kind|of Christmasy to me.

{12224}{12297}Don't you think it has|a holiday ring to it?

{12300}{12353}Dingleberries.

{12355}{12411}"John, you might want|to hang some dingleberries

{12413}{12490}over the front door.

{12493}{12531}Then when Maryann comes over,

{12533}{12635}she can kiss you|under the dingleberries."

{12638}{12719}"It is to be devoutly wished

{12721}{12774}that she would kiss me

{12777}{12866}under the dingleberries."

{12868}{12965}Cornhole is another word|you don't hear enough.

{12967}{13023}You don't hear that|nearly enough, you know?

{13026}{13046}It's a good word.

{13049}{13083}It's a solid word.

{13086}{13110}It's a tough word.

{13113}{13141}It's a man's kind of word.

{13144}{13202}It's got a masculine sound.

{13204}{13259}It's like shotgun

{13261}{13321}and ash can and tow truck.

{13323}{13397}Cornhole.

{13399}{13482}Everything's been|sanitized now and cleaned up.

{13484}{13524}First with these|fucking Christians.

{13526}{13572}You just start with them.

{13574}{13601}You know.

{13603}{13631}I'm so, you know.

{13633}{13675}That's just one,|wait a minute now.

{13677}{13742}Yeah, you know.

{13775}{13847}Let's not leave out these

{13849}{13940}PC campus liberal assholes.

{13942}{13994}I mean they're|just as fucking bad

{13996}{14035}from a different direction.

{14037}{14083}But everything's different.

{14085}{14135}Everything's been|polished up now.

{14137}{14199}It's anal intercourse.

{14201}{14240}Anal rape.

{14242}{14266}Bullshit.

{14268}{14306}Cornhole.

{14427}{14456}Now I'm a big fan

{14458}{14542}of the|prime time crime shows.

{14544}{14582}I like all of|them pretty much.

{14584}{14615}You know, I like "Law & Order"

{14617}{14664}and all the spin-offs of that.

{14666}{14714}I like "CSl"

{14716}{14759}and all of those spin-offs.

{14761}{14810}Yeah, because|they're forensic shows.

{14812}{14835}You know.

{14837}{14893}And I'm just waiting for|one night to be sitting there

{14895}{14943}watching one of them shows

{14945}{15017}and then the|chief medical examiner

{15019}{15076}turns to the lead|detective and says,

{15078}{15160}"Steve, looks to me like|after they killed this guy,

{15162}{15203}the perpetrators|rolled him over

{15205}{15285}and cornholed him about|30 or 40 fucking times.

{15287}{15352}Look at that.

{15479}{15522}That there is a posthumous,

{15524}{15697}multiple cornhole|entry wound".

{15699}{15797}In prison it's|a social activity.

{15799}{15852}Yeah, it's right up there|on the bulletin board.

{15854}{15975}Checkers,|handball, cornholing.

{16018}{16130}Now, just to change|the subject a little bit,

{16132}{16178}do you realize,

{16186}{16241}do you realize

{16243}{16287}that right this second,

{16289}{16344}right now,

{16346}{16426}somewhere around the world

{16428}{16556}some guy is getting|ready to kill himself.

{16558}{16637}Isn't that great?

{16645}{16687}Isn't that great?

{16689}{16792}Did you ever stop and think|about that kind of shit?

{16794}{16856}I do.

{16858}{16903}It's fun,

{16905}{16978}and it's interesting|and it's true.

{16980}{17013}Right this second

{17015}{17058}some guy is getting ready

{17060}{17130}to bite the big bazooka.

{17132}{17218}Because statistics|show that every year

{17220}{17295}a million people|commit suicide.

{17297}{17345}A million.

{17347}{17440}That's 2800 a day.

{17442}{17532}That's one every 30 seconds.

{17669}{17770}There goes another guy.

{17772}{17808}And I say guy,

{17810}{17839}I say guy

{17841}{17904}because men are|four times more likely

{17906}{17954}than women to commit suicide.

{17956}{18024}Even though women|attempt it more.

{18026}{18133}So men are better at it.

{18135}{18172}That's something|else you gals

{18174}{18263}will want to be working on.

{18265}{18303}Well, if you want|to be truly equal,

{18305}{18340}you're going|to have to start

{18342}{18412}taking your own lives|in greater numbers.

{18472}{18520}But...

{18581}{18654}But I just think|it's interesting to know.

{18656}{18758}Interesting, that's a big|word in this show for me.

{18760}{18833}Interesting to know|that at any moment

{18835}{18885}the odds are good

{18887}{18920}that some guy

{18922}{18944}is dragging a chair

{18946}{19028}across the garage floor,

{19030}{19118}trying to get it right|underneath that ceiling beam,

{19120}{19169}wouldn't want to be|too far off center.

{19171}{19200}If it's worth doing,

{19202}{19285}it's worth doing right.

{19287}{19341}Somewhere else|another guy's going over

{19343}{19441}and getting a gun out|of a dresser drawer.

{19443}{19485}Somebody else is opening up

{19487}{19562}a brand-new package|of razor blades.

{19564}{19626}Maybe struggling with|the cellophane a little bit,

{19628}{19668}you know.

{19670}{19699}"Oh, shit.

{19701}{19731}It's always something.

{19733}{19783}Goddamn it, fuckin shit."

{19895}{19975}I just think that's|an interesting as hell.

{19977}{20022}That's probably the|most interesting thing

{20024}{20070}you can do with your life,

{20072}{20148}end it.

{20150}{20185}I don't think|I could do that, though.

{20187}{20213}Could you?

{20215}{20244}God.

{20246}{20363}I couldn't commit suicide|if my life depended on it.

{20365}{20401}But I understand it, you know.

{20403}{20433}I think I do.

{20435}{20468}I don't wonder about it.

{20470}{20513}I don't wonder,|Well, why did he do that

{20515}{20555}and, What was going|through his mind.

{20557}{20599}You know what I wonder,

{20601}{20679}Where did he|find the fucking time?

{20681}{20726}Who's got time to|be committing suicide?

{20728}{20752}Aren't you busy?

{20754}{20811}I got shit to do.

{20813}{20916}Suicide would be|way down on my list.

{20918}{21068}Probably down past|lighting my own house on fire.

{21070}{21188}I might want to try a little|self-mutilation first.

{21190}{21283}You know, take a couple|of hunks out of my arm.

{21285}{21385}See if I like|the general idea.

{21387}{21448}Because you've got to|have priorities, man.

{21450}{21471}You know.

{21473}{21512}And you've got|to have a plan, too,

{21514}{21542}for something like that.

{21544}{21586}You've got to plan that shit.

{21588}{21621}People just don't|run out the house

{21623}{21668}and jump off a bridge.

{21670}{21756}There are things|you have to decide.

{21758}{21810}Timing is important.

{21812}{21864}When you're going to do it.

{21866}{21965}"Well, let me see now.

{21967}{21993}Wednesday's out.

{21995}{22137}Got to take|Timmy to the circus.

{22139}{22268}"Survivor" is on, on Thursday.

{22270}{22404}Friday I got|my colon cleansing.

{22406}{22496}The folks are|coming over on Sunday.

{22596}{22681}Sunday.

{22683}{22743}By God, that'd|be just the thing.

{22745}{22812}Maybe mom will find my body.

{22814}{22985}Serve her right for fucking|me up the way she did."

{22987}{23040}Then you have|to pick a method.

{23042}{23090}How you're going to do it.

{23092}{23159}"Well, let me see now.

{23161}{23242}Afraid of heights,|that's no good.

{23244}{23271}Can't swallow pills.

{23273}{23330}Don't like the sight of blood.

{23332}{23487}Fucking oven's electric.

{23489}{23524}I'd lie down in|front of a train,

{23526}{23575}except the Amtrak|ain't coming through here

{23577}{23657}in 30 goddamn years.

{23659}{23699}Maybe I'll just take a gun

{23701}{23807}and shoot myself in the mouth.

{23809}{23877}Suppose I miss?

{23879}{23965}People will be laughing at me.

{23967}{24014}Suppose I live?

{24016}{24111}I'll have a big|fucking hole in my head.

{24113}{24250}I'll have to wear some|kind of dumb-ass hat.

{24252}{24308}Well, I guess|I'll just hang myself.

{24310}{24373}That'd be good.

{24375}{24433}Gotta get a rope.

{24435}{24548}Oh, shit,|it's always something.

{24550}{24620}I got a rope in the garage.

{24622}{24717}It's got a lot of|grease and paint on it.

{24719}{24834}Don't want to get|that stuff on my neck.

{24836}{24933}Wal-Mart's having a special|on rope this weekend.

{24935}{25018}No sense spending a lot|of money to kill myself.

{25020}{25071}Then again, I can always|put it on my credit card

{25073}{25137}I'll never have to|pay the fucking thing.

{25227}{25270}That's it then.

{25272}{25297}I'm hanging myself

{25299}{25399}and Wal-Mart's paying for it.

{25401}{25458}What's next?

{25460}{25508}The note.

{25510}{25559}Oh, Jesus.

{25561}{25624}I got to express myself.

{25626}{25667}Hell, if I could|express myself,

{25669}{25756}I wouldn't be thinking of|doing something like this.

{25758}{25821}Where's a pen?

{25823}{25920}I can never find a pen.

{25922}{26008}Told the kids not to move the|pen away from that telephone.

{26010}{26060}Goddamn kids.

{26062}{26154}I ought to just|kill them, too.

{26156}{26265}Make it one of them|family package deals.

{26267}{26312}Here's a pen.

{26314}{26359}I'll just jam it|into my fucking neck

{26361}{26446}and get it over with.

{26448}{26518}Let's see now.

{26520}{26565}Where do you put the date?

{26567}{26662}Upper left?

{26664}{26737}I can never remember that.

{26739}{26850}To whom it may concern.

{26852}{26941}Sounds kind of impersonal.

{26943}{27035}Dear Marzel.

{27037}{27093}Leaves out the kids.

{27095}{27118}I know.

{27120}{27141}Hey, guys.

{27143}{27209}Guess what?

{27211}{27264}Keep on reading.

{27266}{27292}How are you?

{27294}{27352}I hope you are fine.

{27354}{27456}I am not fine.

{27458}{27492}As you can no doubt tell

{27494}{27597}from me hanging here|from this ceiling fixture.

{27599}{27713}You are the ones|who drove me to this.

{27715}{27751}I was doing just fine

{27753}{27831}until you fuckers came along.

{27833}{27925}I hope you're happy now|that I'm goddamn dead.

{27927}{28021}Signed, the corpse|in this room.

{28023}{28108}P.S., fuck you people."

{28185}{28250}Yeah, good enough.

{28351}{28394}That would be a good note.

{28396}{28447}I don't think a writer|could ever commit suicide.

{28449}{28473}Do you?

{28475}{28504}A writer would be too busy

{28506}{28554}working on the note|all goddamn year.

{28556}{28591}Trying to get it just right.

{28593}{28647}First draft, second|draft, third revision,

{28649}{28673}whole new ending.

{28675}{28718}Finally, he'd turn|it into a book proposal

{28720}{28789}and have a reason to live.

{28791}{28818}That wouldn't work.

{28820}{28851}I think about stuff like that.

{28853}{28884}It's interesting to me.

{28886}{28944}Like I said, certain|things are interesting.

{28946}{28982}Suicide's interesting.

{28984}{29039}Life is filled with|interesting things.

{29041}{29096}That's why I could|never commit suicide.

{29098}{29131}I'm having too much fun

{29133}{29188}keeping an eye on you folks.

{29190}{29224}Watching what you do.

{29226}{29258}Human behavior.

{29260}{29292}That's what I like.

{29294}{29367}Humans do some really|interesting things.

{29369}{29423}Like besides|killing ourselves,

{29425}{29474}we also kill each other.

{29476}{29511}Murder.

{29513}{29571}And we're the only ones|who do that, by the way.

{29573}{29611}We're the only|species on earth

{29613}{29676}that deliberately kills|members of our own species

{29678}{29733}for personal gain

{29735}{29829}or pleasure,|sometimes it's just fun.

{29831}{29866}We're also the only species

{29868}{29921}that deliberately kills|members of another species

{29923}{29984}for personal gain or pleasure.

{29986}{30013}That's what hunters do.

{30015}{30041}They kill for pleasure.

{30043}{30069}That's us.

{30071}{30088}Human beings.

{30090}{30126}Interesting folks.

{30128}{30179}Murderers.

{30181}{30273}Here's an interesting form|of murder we've come up with.

{30275}{30325}Assassination.

{30327}{30389}You know what's interesting|about assassination?

{30391}{30473}Well, not only does it change|those popularity polls

{30475}{30558}in a big fucking hurry

{30560}{30601}but it is also|interesting to notice

{30603}{30643}who it is we assassinate.

{30645}{30681}Did you ever notice who it is?

{30683}{30730}Stop to think|who it is we kill?

{30732}{30776}It's always people|who've told us

{30778}{30825}to live together in harmony

{30827}{30874}and try to love one another.

{30876}{30910}Jesus, Gandhi,

{30912}{30952}Lincoln, John Kennedy,

{30954}{31003}Bobby Kennedy,|Martin Luther King,

{31005}{31071}Medgar Evers,|Malcolm X, John Lennon.

{31073}{31141}They all said, try to|live together peacefully.

{31143}{31210}Bam.

{31212}{31267}Right in the fucking head.

{31410}{31524}Apparently, we're|not ready for that.

{31526}{31617}Yeah, that's difficult|behavior for us.

{31619}{31656}We're too busy sitting around

{31658}{31747}trying to think up|ways to kill each other.

{31749}{31792}Here's one we came up with,

{31794}{31845}it's efficient, too.

{31847}{31884}Genocide.

{31886}{31940}You know, killing|large numbers of people

{31942}{31977}simply because they|don't look like you,

{31979}{32010}they don't talk like you

{32012}{32096}and they don't have|the same kind of hats you do.

{32098}{32155}You ever notice that at any time|you see two groups of people

{32157}{32191}who really hate each other,

{32193}{32220}chances are good

{32222}{32294}they're wearing|different kind of hats.

{32296}{32322}Keep an eye on that.

{32324}{32392}It might be important.

{32394}{32435}But any time|there's genocide,

{32437}{32517}there are always mass graves.

{32519}{32539}Right?

{32541}{32577}Every time we|kill some dictator

{32579}{32617}and go marching|through his country,

{32619}{32661}we always find mass graves.

{32663}{32709}Thousands and|thousands of dead bodies

{32711}{32748}of people the dictator killed.

{32750}{32796}And everybody over|here gets horrified.

{32798}{32887}"Oh, mass graves,|mass graves oh."

{32889}{32928}Well shit, what's|the guy suppose to do

{32930}{32995}with a couple thousand|people he just killed?

{32997}{33027}Dig separate holes?

{33029}{33090}Fuck that shit.

{33092}{33129}It's labor intensive.

{33131}{33185}Get real.

{33187}{33234}The whole idea of killing|a large number of people

{33236}{33320}at one time and|one place is convenience.

{33322}{33357}Efficiency.

{33359}{33420}Thrown 'em in|the fucking hole.

{33422}{33453}Look at it this way,

{33455}{33514}at least the dictator|had the decency

{33516}{33566}to throw|a little dirt on them.

{33568}{33598}Give the guy some credit.

{33600}{33646}The dictator's a busy man.

{33648}{33705}He's got a lot on his mind.

{33707}{33795}Like trying to figure out|who's planning to kill him.

{33797}{33824}So he can pick them up,

{33826}{33896}put them in prison|and torture them.

{33898}{33945}There's another one|of our interesting,

{33947}{34017}heart-warming|behaviors we come up with

{34019}{34048}somewhere along the way.

{34050}{34099}Torturing each other.

{34101}{34154}You want to hear|a really cool torture

{34156}{34207}that the Romans invented?

{34209}{34289}They also used it as|a form of capital punishment.

{34291}{34350}It's really creative.

{34352}{34404}They would take|the guy in question,

{34406}{34441}stuff him in a burlap sack,

{34443}{34477}seal the sack up real tight

{34479}{34507}and throw it in the river.

{34509}{34588}But, and here's|the creative part,

{34590}{34668}inside the sack|with the guy,

{34670}{34774}they would put a dog,|a monkey and a snake.

{34776}{34824}Okay?

{34826}{34865}A dog, a monkey and a snake.

{34867}{34948}That's fucking creative.

{34950}{34992}Imagine being|inside a burlap sack

{34994}{35025}under water, in the dark,

{35027}{35123}sitting next to|a drowning monkey.

{35125}{35215}Think he'd be moving|around a little bit?

{35217}{35251}The dog would|be going ape shit.

{35253}{35298}We know that.

{35300}{35322}And the snake?

{35324}{35360}Well, he'd probably|be getting curious

{35362}{35422}about what all the|activity was inside the sack.

{35424}{35466}He might do anything.

{35468}{35494}Whatever he did,

{35496}{35593}it would probably involve|venom and his teeth.

{35595}{35633}You know what you'd be doing?

{35635}{35666}You'd be praying to God

{35668}{35697}that the snake bit the monkey

{35699}{35772}and the dog ate the snake.

{35774}{35808}Praying.

{35810}{35872}Yeah, then...

{35913}{35977}Then it would be|just you and the dog,

{35979}{36040}man and his best friend

{36042}{36092}drowning together.

{36094}{36124}Maybe before you die,

{36126}{36184}you can teach|him a few tricks.

{36186}{36218}Roll over and play dead

{36220}{36294}wouldn't be too|difficult, would it?

{36296}{36322}Just a thought,

{36324}{36388}just a playful thought.

{36390}{36458}By the way,|I assume you're noticing

{36460}{36499}that all these|activities I'm mentioning,

{36501}{36552}murder, torture, genocide,

{36554}{36609}these are all things|human beings do.

{36611}{36637}Not animals,

{36639}{36717}those creatures|we feel superior to.

{36719}{36796}This is us.

{36798}{36830}Here's another one of our

{36832}{36904}spiritually|uplifting activities.

{36906}{36944}We don't do this|one much anymore,

{36946}{37007}but it use to be really big.

{37009}{37085}Human sacrifice.

{37087}{37173}I miss that.

{37175}{37263}The Aztecs loved|human sacrifice

{37265}{37306}and they were good at it.

{37308}{37358}Well, they got|a lot of practice.

{37360}{37429}For instance, right|around the year 1500,

{37431}{37522}the Aztecs sacrificed|80,000 people

{37524}{37560}in one ceremony.

{37562}{37598}Okay?

{37600}{37644}80,000 people in one ceremony.

{37646}{37692}You know what|the occasion was?

{37694}{37777}They were|opening a new temple.

{37779}{37808}Nothing like religion

{37810}{37882}for a little|entertainment, huh?

{37884}{37972}Especially that|old time religion.

{37974}{38030}You know how the Aztecs|went about their sacrificing?

{38032}{38063}Here's how they did it.

{38065}{38097}They would do it|right out in public.

{38099}{38125}Right in front of everybody.

{38127}{38148}Big town.

{38150}{38175}Beautiful city square.

{38177}{38222}20, 30,000 people looking on.

{38224}{38261}They would take the guy,

{38263}{38293}lay him on an alter,

{38295}{38328}cut his chest open,

{38330}{38357}pull his heart out,

{38359}{38406}hold it up in the air|while it was still beating.

{38408}{38461}Got that?

{38463}{38487}Cut his chest open,

{38489}{38529}pull his heart out|and hold it up in the air

{38531}{38564}while it was still beating.

{38566}{38597}You know what you call that?

{38599}{38654}Theater.

{38656}{38697}That is fucking theater.

{38699}{38732}And although the procedure

{38734}{38769}may have been|a little too crude

{38771}{38863}to be considered|the first bypass surgery,

{38865}{38904}it could easily be seen as

{38906}{38995}an early form of|organ donor program.

{38997}{39079}The Aztecs, human|beings just like us.

{39081}{39145}Not too long ago, 500 years.

{39147}{39191}Columbus had already landed.

{39193}{39239}This is just south of here.

{39241}{39279}Mexico.

{39281}{39306}And by the way,

{39308}{39339}those hearts|didn't go to waste.

{39341}{39374}Did not go to waste.

{39376}{39420}Because right|after the ceremonies,

{39422}{39482}the royal family, naturally,

{39484}{39569}would enjoy another one|of our amusing activities,

{39571}{39618}cannibalism.

{39620}{39650}Imagine that.

{39652}{39717}Chowing down on|another human being.

{39719}{39803}You got to be all|out of beef jerky, man.

{39805}{39881}You got to be|really fucking hungry.

{39883}{39914}But it happens, doesn't it?

{39916}{39961}It still happens to this day.

{39963}{40043}A bunch of people|stranded in the wilderness,

{40045}{40074}run out of Pop-Tarts,

{40076}{40139}you got to eat something.

{40141}{40236}Might as well be Steve.

{40238}{40280}And how do you decide|who to eat first?

{40282}{40347}How do you decide who's|first on the barbecue rack?

{40349}{40375}Do you pick on the little guy

{40377}{40424}because he's skinny|and he can't fight back?

{40426}{40475}Or do you all gang up|on the body builder

{40477}{40552}because he's got a lot|of steaks and chops on him?

{40554}{40663}These are things human|beings have to consider.

{40665}{40783}One more of these|charming diversions of ours,

{40785}{40847}necrophilia.

{40849}{40958}Now there's a hobby for you.

{40960}{41038}Fucking a corpse.

{41040}{41098}It takes a|special kind of guy.

{41100}{41174}Don't you think?

{41176}{41234}But it happens, it happens.

{41236}{41297}More than you might think.

{41299}{41346}It happens among humans.

{41348}{41414}Animals don't do that.

{41416}{41507}Animals don't fuck their dead.

{41509}{41601}A rat will do|a lot of gross things,

{41603}{41697}but he will not|fuck a dead rat.

{41699}{41797}It wouldn't even occur to him.

{41799}{41882}Only a human being would think

{41884}{41973}to fuck someone who just died.

{41975}{42018}We got to be the most|interesting critters

{42020}{42073}on the planet.

{42075}{42125}And then we wonder why a UFO

{42127}{42220}doesn't just land|and say, hello.

{42531}{42594}You know the best|thing about necrophilia?

{42596}{42671}You don't have|to bring flowers.

{42673}{42771}Yeah, usually|they're already there.

{42773}{42807}Isn't that nice?

{42809}{42845}It's nice.

{42847}{42890}It's convenient.

{42917}{43001}Human beings will do anything.

{43003}{43033}Anything.

{43035}{43074}I am convinced.

{43076}{43151}That's why when all those|beheadings started in Iraq,

{43153}{43190}it didn't bother me.

{43192}{43226}I took it right in stride.

{43228}{43263}A lot of people|here were horrified.

{43265}{43341}"Oh, beheadings, beheadings."

{43343}{43406}What are you|fucking surprised?

{43408}{43518}It's just one more form|of extreme human behavior.

{43520}{43568}Besides, who cares about some

{43570}{43639}mercenary civilian|contractor from Oklahoma

{43641}{43690}who gets his head cut off?

{43692}{43732}Fuck him.

{43749}{43775}Fuck him.

{43777}{43843}Hey, Jack, you don't want|to get your head cut off?

{43845}{43918}Stay the fuck in Oklahoma.

{43926}{43996}Stay the fuck in Oklahoma.

{44151}{44228}They ain't cutting|off heads in Oklahoma.

{44230}{44293}As far as I know.

{44295}{44336}But I do know this,

{44338}{44374}you strap on a gun

{44376}{44425}and go strutting around|some other man's country,

{44427}{44488}you better be ready|for some action, Jack.

{44490}{44529}You better be ready|for some action.

{44531}{44621}People are touchy|about that sort of thing.

{44623}{44652}And let me ask you this

{44654}{44729}while I have you good,|clean Americans here.

{44731}{44815}This is a moral|question, not rhetorical.

{44817}{44847}I'm looking for the answer.

{44849}{44911}What is the moral difference

{44913}{44987}between cutting|off one guy's head

{44989}{45058}or two or three|or five or ten

{45060}{45112}and dropping|a big bomb on a hospital

{45114}{45165}and killing a whole|bunch of sick kids?

{45167}{45208}Has anybody in authority

{45210}{45249}given you an|explanation of the difference?

{45251}{45286}I have not gotten|an email on this.

{45288}{45336}No one will talk to me.

{45338}{45369}I haven't gotten a postcard,

{45371}{45433}not a fucking|instant message, nothin'.

{45435}{45479}Now, in case you're wondering

{45481}{45547}why I have a certain|interest and fascination,

{45549}{45578}let's call it,

{45580}{45631}with torture and beheadings

{45633}{45710}and all of these|things I've mentioned

{45712}{45766}is because each of these items

{45768}{45808}reminds me in life,

{45810}{45853}every time one of them occurs,

{45855}{45936}it reminds me|over and over again

{45938}{46054}what beasts we human|beings really are, you know?

{46056}{46101}When you get|right down to it,

{46103}{46180}when you get|right down to it,

{46182}{46224}human beings are nothing more

{46226}{46277}than ordinary jungle beasts.

{46279}{46308}Savages.

{46310}{46359}No different from|the Cro-Magnon people

{46361}{46405}who lived 25,000 years ago

{46407}{46448}in the Plasticine Forest

{46450}{46500}eating grubs|off of rotten logs.

{46502}{46532}No different.

{46534}{46588}Our DNA hasn't|changed substantially

{46590}{46633}in 100,000 years.

{46635}{46697}We're still operating|out of the lower brain.

{46699}{46730}The reptilian brain.

{46732}{46757}Fight or flight.

{46759}{46800}Kill or be killed.

{46802}{46894}Now, we like to think|we've evolved and advanced

{46896}{46942}because we can|build a computer,

{46944}{46973}fly an airplane,

{46975}{47010}travel underwater.

{47012}{47044}We can write a sonnet,

{47046}{47074}paint a painting,

{47076}{47105}compose an opera.

{47107}{47138}But you know something?

{47140}{47203}We're barely out of the|jungle on this planet.

{47205}{47250}Barely out of|the fucking jungle.

{47252}{47350}What we are is|semi-civilized beasts

{47352}{47462}with baseball caps|and automatic weapons.

{47464}{47527}And this civilization of ours

{47529}{47574}that we're so proud of,

{47576}{47683}this civilization with its|so-called civilized behavior,

{47685}{47723}you ever stop and realize

{47725}{47775}how fragile all this is?

{47777}{47816}How fragile|the whole structure,

{47818}{47858}how easily it can all|just break right down,

{47860}{47894}just break right down.

{47896}{47930}It wouldn't take much.

{47932}{47989}It'll probably happen|in less than two years.

{47991}{48021}It wouldn't take much

{48023}{48113}to throw us right back|into barbaric times.

{48115}{48150}All you'd have to do

{48152}{48205}would be|eliminate electricity.

{48207}{48233}That's all.

{48235}{48278}But completely.

{48280}{48312}Eliminate electricity.

{48314}{48407}So, no electricity, no lights.

{48409}{48448}You're back to|candles and lanterns.

{48450}{48491}Campfires and bonfires.

{48493}{48540}Batteries|couldn't be recharged.

{48542}{48587}Generators|couldn't be refueled

{48589}{48657}because fuel is|pumped electrically.

{48659}{48692}So is water, by the way.

{48694}{48776}So no lights, no fuel,|no water, no computers.

{48778}{48838}And computers run everything.

{48840}{48892}And among the many|things computers run

{48894}{48949}that operate on electricity

{48951}{49032}are all of the|security systems

{49034}{49069}in all of our jails

{49071}{49175}and prisons and nut houses.

{49177}{49241}So suddenly|without electricity,

{49243}{49283}all across America

{49285}{49332}the gates and cell doors

{49334}{49372}of penitentiaries

{49374}{49412}and mental institutions

{49414}{49475}would fly open

{49477}{49609}and out would come|all of our old friends.

{49611}{49680}The ones who've been away,

{49682}{49742}at camp.

{49744}{49774}Serial killers,

{49776}{49803}mass murderers,

{49805}{49833}felony rapists,

{49835}{49857}armed robbers,

{49859}{49882}car jackers,

{49884}{49913}home invaders,

{49915}{49936}thieves,

{49938}{49972}burglars, kidnappers,

{49974}{50007}sadists, pedophiles,

{50009}{50047}sexual predators, pimps,

{50049}{50091}pushers, pornographers,

{50093}{50165}speed freaks,|crack heads, sick junkies.

{50167}{50220}All the ethnic street gangs.

{50222}{50267}Blacks, Spanish|and Asian gangs,

{50269}{50305}Japanese Yakuza,

{50307}{50334}Russian Mafia,

{50336}{50361}Neo-Nazis,

{50363}{50389}white supremacists,

{50391}{50422}Sicilian hit man,

{50424}{50459}Italian mobsters,

{50461}{50543}Jamaican and|Colombian drug gangs.

{50545}{50651}And those are just|the ones we caught.

{50653}{50707}Lets not forget|their counter-parts

{50709}{50773}still on the outside right now

{50775}{50845}waiting to hook up|with their prison buddies

{50847}{50915}so they can start|a new organization,

{50917}{51009}The American Federation|of Sociopaths.

{51011}{51055}Just what the country needs.

{51057}{51145}Another special|interest group.

{51147}{51204}Eight to ten million|of them there would be.

{51206}{51250}Counting all the parolees

{51252}{51285}and all the probationers

{51287}{51323}and the ones who've|never been caught.

{51325}{51358}Eight to ten million

{51360}{51423}bitter, angry, violent,

{51425}{51510}sexually hyperactive|alpha males

{51512}{51565}with nothing to do.

{51567}{51619}No hobbies.

{51621}{51691}No medication.

{51693}{51746}No scruples.

{51748}{51789}Just a bunch of bad guys

{51791}{51859}looking for a good time.

{51861}{51929}Maybe dropping by your house.

{51931}{51955}"Hi.

{51957}{52037}Hope we're not intruding.

{52039}{52096}Got any beer?

{52098}{52121}Oh, good.

{52123}{52224}Well, I got about 1400|really thirsty guys here.

{52226}{52252}How about women?

{52254}{52307}Got any women?

{52309}{52439}Oh, just your wife, huh?

{52441}{52547}Well, I think we|can make that work.

{52549}{52628}Now boys, there's a lady here.

{52630}{52703}So I want you to|mind your manners

{52705}{52771}and wait your turn."

{52773}{52799}Police wouldn't help you.

{52801}{52846}They'd be gone at|the first sign of trouble.

{52848}{52898}They'd be home protecting|their own families.

{52900}{52941}So would the Army|and the National Guard.

{52943}{52967}You'd be alone.

{52969}{52991}You'd be on your own.

{52993}{53041}You'd be S.O.L. And J.W.F.

{53043}{53114}Shit out of luck|and jolly well fucked.

{53153}{53222}Shit out of luck|and jolly well fucked.

{53224}{53293}After a couple of years|of living like that,

{53295}{53371}beheadings would be the|least of your problems.

{53373}{53449}People would be lining|up to be beheaded.

{53477}{53516}So let's get back to suicide,

{53518}{53608}which now seems like|a reasonable alternative.

{53735}{53829}Suicide is an|interesting topic to me

{53831}{53921}because it is an inherently|interesting decision.

{53923}{54005}To decide voluntarily|not to exist anymore.

{54007}{54039}It's profound.

{54041}{54070}You know what it is?

{54072}{54157}It's the ultimate makeover.

{54159}{54235}That's why I think|it belongs on television.

{54237}{54331}In this depraved|culture we live in,

{54333}{54388}with all of|these reality shows.

{54390}{54470}Suicide and television|will be a natural.

{54472}{54508}I'll bet you I can have

{54510}{54596}an All-Suicide|Channel on cable TV.

{54598}{54623}I'll bet you.

{54625}{54659}Shit, they got all golf.

{54661}{54730}What the fuck, huh?

{54732}{54808}Goddamn.

{54810}{54838}You ever watch golf?

{54846}{54872}You ever watch golf?

{54874}{54965}It's like watching flies fuck.

{54967}{55017}If you'd get a bunch|of brainless assholes

{55019}{55070}insisting on waste|a Sunday afternoon

{55072}{55101}on that kind of shit,

{55103}{55178}you know you can get some|people to watch some suicides.

{55180}{55205}All day long,

{55207}{55232}24 hours a day

{55234}{55261}nothing but suicides.

{55263}{55338}Must die TV.

{55340}{55391}You'd get a lot of|people watching that shit.

{55393}{55424}You'd get a lot of people

{55426}{55468}volunteering to|be on there, too.

{55470}{55529}Just so their friends|can see them on TV.

{55531}{55603}People are fucking goofy.

{55605}{55636}You'd get a lot of volunteers.

{55638}{55674}You'd get all them|leftover assholes

{55676}{55731}from "Let's Make a Deal".

{55733}{55770}They'd be lined up|around the block

{55772}{55802}pushing each other|out of the way,

{55804}{55865}putting on funny capes|and caps and hats

{55867}{55936}and makeup and calling|themselves Captain Suicide.

{55938}{55989}Guys would be competing|for most unusual method.

{55991}{56037}People would be|jumping off of silos,

{56039}{56074}lighting themselves on fire,

{56076}{56125}putting rat poison on a taco,

{56127}{56159}drinking Mop & Glo,

{56161}{56239}sticking moth balls|up their ass.

{56241}{56296}You'd probably have|some weird fuck show up

{56298}{56331}who'd figured out|how to kill himself

{56333}{56424}with dental floss|and a stinger missile.

{56426}{56495}People are fucking goofy.

{56497}{56577}I'd bet you could find|you a married couple,

{56579}{56640}in this country, shit.

{56642}{56671}I'll bet you,

{56673}{56712}you could find|a married couple

{56714}{56784}in one of them|trailer parks or something

{56786}{56819}who'd be perfectly willing

{56821}{56864}to sit in a loveseat

{56866}{56951}and blow each other's|heads off with shotguns

{56953}{57007}while a love song is playing.

{57009}{57049}People are fucking nuts.

{57051}{57125}This country is full|of nitwits and assholes.

{57127}{57162}Do you ever notice that?

{57164}{57198}Oh, my goodness, yes.

{57206}{57287}Oh, my goodness.

{57289}{57322}Yeah.

{57394}{57427}Nitwits, assholes,

{57429}{57461}fuck ups, scumbags,

{57463}{57532}jerk offs and dipshits.

{57534}{57637}And they all vote.

{57639}{57690}They all vote, yeah.

{57692}{57732}In fact, sometimes|you get the impression

{57734}{57801}They're the only|ones who vote.

{57803}{57846}You can usually tell who's|been doing the voting

{57848}{57914}by looking at the|fucking election returns.

{57916}{57951}Man, it sure|ain't me out there

{57953}{57985}wasting my time

{57987}{58043}with a meaningless|activity like that.

{58045}{58099}You know those people on|the "Jerry Springer Show",

{58101}{58178}those are the|average Americans.

{58180}{58213}Oh, yeah, believe me.

{58215}{58276}Below average|can't get on the show.

{58278}{58303}Can't get on.

{58305}{58335}Below average is sitting home

{58337}{58413}watching that shit on TV,

{58415}{58497}getting ready to out and vote,

{58499}{58566}filling out|their sample ballot.

{58568}{58661}People are fucking dumb.

{58663}{58713}You can say what you|want about this country,

{58715}{58744}and I love this place.

{58746}{58840}I love the freedoms|we used to have.

{58842}{58869}I love it.

{58871}{58924}I love that.

{59079}{59150}I love it when it didn't|take a fucking catastrophe

{59152}{59221}to get us to care|for one another.

{59223}{59256}I love the fact

{59258}{59298}that we're on|camera all the time

{59300}{59334}from all angles.

{59336}{59385}But, you know, you can say|what you want about America.

{59387}{59421}And I say I love this place.

{59423}{59455}I wouldn't have|it any other way,

{59457}{59496}wouldn't live in|any other time in history

{59498}{59532}in any other place.

{59534}{59578}But say what|you want about America.

{59580}{59624}Land of the free,|home of the brave.

{59626}{59685}We've got some|dumb-ass motherfuckers

{59687}{59731}floating around this country.

{59733}{59826}Dumb-ass|motherfuckers, you know.

{59881}{59944}Now, obviously that doesn't|include this audience.

{59946}{60001}I understand that.

{60003}{60049}You seem intelligent|and perceptive

{60051}{60083}but the rest of them,

{60085}{60192}holy jumping|fucking shit balls.

{60194}{60312}Dumber than a|second coat of paint.

{60314}{60354}Now, this ain't just|ranting and raving.

{60356}{60394}This ain't just|blowing off steam.

{60396}{60473}I got a little evidence|to support my claim.

{60475}{60514}It just seems to me

{60516}{60577}seems to me,

{60579}{60667}that only a really|low IQ population

{60669}{60741}could have taken this|beautiful continent,

{60743}{60817}this magnificent|American landscape

{60819}{60878}that we inherited...

{60880}{60915}Well, actually, we stole it

{60917}{60992}from the Mexicans|and the Indians but,

{60994}{61076}hey, it was nice|when we stole it.

{61078}{61112}It looked pretty good.

{61114}{61165}It was pristine.

{61167}{61213}Paradise.

{61215}{61263}Have you seen it lately?

{61265}{61315}Have you taken|a good look at it lately?

{61317}{61380}It's fucking embarrassing.

{61382}{61481}Only a nation of|unenlightened half-wits

{61483}{61538}could have taken|this beautiful place

{61540}{61602}and turned it into|what it is today,

{61604}{61664}a shopping mall.

{61666}{61776}A big, fucking shopping mall.

{61778}{61851}You know that.

{61853}{61892}That's all you got.

{61894}{61931}That's all you|got here, folks.

{61933}{61969}Mile after mile

{61971}{62014}of mall after mall.

{62016}{62049}Many, many malls.

{62051}{62093}Major malls and mini malls.

{62095}{62130}They put the mini malls

{62132}{62165}in between the major malls.

{62167}{62200}And in between the mini malls

{62202}{62230}they put the mini marts.

{62232}{62264}And in between|the mini marts,

{62266}{62293}you've got the car lots,

{62295}{62334}gas stations, muffler shops,

{62336}{62379}Laundromats, cheap hotels,

{62381}{62412}fast food joints,

{62414}{62468}strip clubs|and dirty bookstores.

{62470}{62505}America the beautiful.

{62507}{62596}One big transcontinental|commercial cesspool.

{62598}{62646}And how do the people|feel about all this?

{62648}{62683}How do the people feel about

{62685}{62745}living in a|coast-to-coast shopping mall?

{62747}{62881}Well, they think|it's just fucking dandy.

{62883}{62942}They think it is|as cool as can be.

{62944}{62997}Because|Americans love the mall.

{62999}{63029}They love the mall.

{63031}{63078}That's where|they get to satisfy

{63080}{63144}their two most|prominent addictions

{63146}{63192}at the same time.

{63194}{63265}Shopping and eating.

{63267}{63325}Millions of|semiconscious Americans

{63327}{63362}day after day

{63364}{63408}shuffling through the malls

{63410}{63452}shopping and eating.

{63454}{63485}Especially eating.

{63487}{63532}Americans love to eat.

{63534}{63597}They are fatally attracted to

{63599}{63650}the slow death of fast food.

{63652}{63681}Hot dogs, corn dogs,

{63683}{63716}triple bacon cheeseburgers,

{63718}{63740}deep-fried butter

{63742}{63784}dipped in pork fat|and cheese whiz,

{63786}{63859}mayonnaise-soaked barbecue|mozzarella patty melts.

{63861}{63898}America will eat anything.

{63900}{63920}Anything.

{63928}{63951}Anything.

{63953}{64108}If you were selling saut�ed|raccoons assholes on a stick,

{64110}{64149}Americans would buy them

{64151}{64196}and eat them.

{64198}{64233}Especially if you|dipped them in butter

{64235}{64317}and put a little|salsa on them.

{64319}{64405}This country is|big-time pig time.

{64407}{64438}Forget the bald eagle.

{64440}{64506}You know what the national|emblem of this country ought to be?

{64508}{64597}A big bowl of|macaroni and cheese.

{64599}{64688}A big bowl because everything|in this country is king size.

{64690}{64768}King size, extra|large and super jumbo.

{64770}{64862}Especially the fucking people.

{64864}{64937}Have you seen some of the|people in this country?

{64939}{64993}Have you taken a good|look at some of these

{64995}{65075}big, fat motherfuckers|walking around?

{65077}{65197}Big, fat motherfuckers.

{65199}{65240}Oh, my God.

{65242}{65350}Huge piles of|redundant protoplasm

{65352}{65407}lumbering through the malls

{65409}{65479}like a fleet|of interstate buses.

{65481}{65543}The people in this|country are immense.

{65545}{65572}Massive bellies,

{65574}{65602}monstrous thighs

{65604}{65703}and big, fat fucking asses.

{65705}{65742}And if you stand|there for a minute

{65744}{65773}and you look at one of them,

{65775}{65813}you'll look at one of them

{65815}{65885}and you begin to wonder,

{65887}{66020}How does this|woman take a shit?

{66022}{66081}How does she shit?

{66083}{66117}And even more frightening,

{66119}{66210}How does she wipe her ass?

{66212}{66307}Can she even|locate her asshole?

{66309}{66399}She must require assistance.

{66401}{66498}Are paramedics|trained in this field?

{66500}{66556}And standing right|next to her, of course,

{66558}{66593}with a plate full of nachos

{66595}{66628}and a mouthful of pie

{66630}{66717}is her clueless fucking|husband Joe Six Pack.

{66719}{66761}With his monstrous|swollen beer belly

{66763}{66841}hanging dangerously|out over his belt buckle.

{66843}{66879}This guy ain't seen his dick

{66881}{66988}since the|Nixon administration.

{66990}{67022}And if you stand there

{67024}{67053}and you look|at the two of them,

{67055}{67141}you begin to|wonder to yourself,

{67143}{67226}Do these people fuck?

{67228}{67275}Is this man actually capable

{67277}{67330}of fucking this woman?

{67332}{67434}It doesn't seem|structurally possible

{67436}{67538}that these two people|could achieve penetration.

{67540}{67676}Maybe they're in that "Cirque|du Soleil" or something.

{67678}{67764}I'm telling you the|people in this country

{67766}{67853}every one of them|is 50 pounds overweight.

{67855}{67909}They are gargantuan.

{67911}{67945}And in the summertime,

{67947}{68013}God help us,

{68015}{68121}in the summertime they all|want to wear short pants.

{68123}{68219}Jesus, Lord, protector of|all that is good and holy,

{68221}{68325}deliver me from|fat people in short pants.

{68327}{68369}They all got short|pants, big bellies,

{68371}{68418}fat thighs and dumb kids.

{68420}{68447}Short pants, big bellies,

{68449}{68488}fat thighs and dumb kids.

{68490}{68518}Every one of them

{68520}{68558}has got two dumb-ass|kids with them.

{68560}{68612}And the whole family|is wearing T-shirts.

{68614}{68661}And every one of them|has got the same T-shirt,

{68663}{68732}"I'm with stupid."

{68734}{68768}Apparently in this country,

{68770}{68853}the Stupids are|an extended family.

{68855}{68892}And besides wearing|them T-shirts,

{68894}{68951}everyone in the family|has got on a backpack.

{68953}{69024}They got a backpack|strapped to their back

{69026}{69110}so they can carry around|lots of stupid shit.

{69112}{69152}And the reason|they got to carry

{69154}{69190}their stupid shit|strapped to their backs

{69192}{69254}is because their hands must|remain free at all times

{69256}{69321}to hold food.

{69323}{69364}And to get that|food up to the mouth

{69366}{69408}where it gets shoveled in

{69410}{69460}with all the rest|of the disgusting shit

{69462}{69526}they ate that day.

{69528}{69572}And...

{69602}{69643}Another reason|for the backpacks

{69645}{69688}is these people|are going to buy

{69690}{69736}even more stupid shit.

{69738}{69777}They ain't got enough|stupid shit at home.

{69779}{69835}They just had|a stupid shit sale,

{69837}{69879}they're gonna buy more.

{69881}{69915}They're going to go|out in the parking lot

{69917}{69949}and stuff this stuff

{69951}{70060}into the big, fat,|ugly, oversized SUV

{70062}{70098}that's got plenty|of room in it.

{70100}{70149}Plenty of room|in it for stupid shit

{70151}{70181}and lots of room left over

{70183}{70223}for these big, fat,|ugly motherfuckers

{70225}{70270}to get them home.

{70272}{70365}Stopping, of course, for|jelly roll and fried dough.

{70386}{70454}These people, these|people are efficient,

{70456}{70523}professional,|compulsive consumers.

{70525}{70565}It's their civic duty.

{70567}{70599}Consumption.

{70601}{70640}It's the new national pastime.

{70642}{70670}Fuck baseball.

{70672}{70716}It's consumption.

{70718}{70830}The only true lasting|American value that's left.

{70832}{70869}Buying things.

{70878}{70903}Buying things.

{70905}{70944}People spending|money they don't have

{70946}{70983}on things they don't need.

{70985}{71049}Money they don't have|on things they don't need.

{71051}{71092}So they can max|out their credit cards

{71094}{71127}and spend the|rest of their lives

{71129}{71164}paying 18 percent interest

{71166}{71240}on something that cost 12.50.

{71242}{71270}And they didn't like it

{71272}{71314}when they got it home anyway.

{71316}{71346}Not too bright, folks.

{71348}{71377}Not too fucking bright.

{71396}{71435}But if you talk to|one of them about this,

{71437}{71464}if you isolate one of them,

{71466}{71491}you sit them down rationally,

{71493}{71555}and you talk to|them about the low IQ's

{71557}{71586}and the dumb behavior

{71588}{71617}and the bad decisions,

{71619}{71668}right away they start|talking about education.

{71670}{71706}That's the big|answer to everything.

{71708}{71735}Education.

{71737}{71784}They say "We need more|money for education.

{71786}{71818}We need more books,

{71820}{71841}more teachers,

{71843}{71863}more classrooms,

{71865}{71887}more schools.

{71889}{71940}We need more|testing for the kids".

{71942}{71965}You say to them,

{71967}{72006}"Well, you know,|we've tried all of that

{72008}{72075}and the kids still|can't pass the tests".

{72077}{72108}They say, "Don't|you worry about that.

{72110}{72181}We're going to lower|the passing grades".

{72183}{72224}And that's what they do in|a lot of these schools now.

{72226}{72256}They lower the passing grades

{72258}{72289}so more kids can pass.

{72291}{72319}More kids pass,

{72321}{72346}the school looks good,

{72348}{72374}everybody's happy,

{72376}{72429}the IQ of the country slips|another two or three points

{72431}{72496}and pretty soon all you'll|need to get into college

{72498}{72580}is a fucking pencil.

{72582}{72606}Got a pencil?

{72608}{72671}Get the fuck in|there, it's physics.

{72673}{72729}Then everyone wonders|why 17 other countries

{72731}{72801}graduate more|scientists than we do.

{72803}{72839}Education.

{72841}{72875}Politicians know that word.

{72877}{72908}They use it on you.

{72910}{72953}Politicians|have traditionally

{72955}{73005}hidden behind three things,

{73007}{73084}the flag,|the Bible and children.

{73086}{73121}"No child left behind.

{73129}{73176}No child left behind."

{73178}{73201}Oh, really?

{73203}{73233}Well, it wasn't long ago

{73235}{73283}you were talking about|giving kids a head start.

{73285}{73329}Head start, left behind.

{73331}{73443}Someone is losing|fucking ground here.

{73445}{73469}But there's a reason.

{73471}{73498}There's a reason.

{73500}{73534}There's a reason for this.

{73536}{73594}There's a reason|that education sucks.

{73596}{73627}And it's the same reason

{73629}{73718}that it will never|ever, ever be fixed.

{73720}{73756}It's never going|to get any better.

{73758}{73790}Don't look for it.

{73792}{73835}Be happy with what you got.

{73837}{73947}Because the owners of this|country don't want that.

{73949}{74010}I'm talking about|the real owners now.

{74012}{74043}The real owners.

{74045}{74101}The big, wealthy|business interests

{74103}{74136}that control things

{74138}{74183}and make all the|important decisions.

{74185}{74233}Forget the politicians.

{74235}{74274}The politicians are put there

{74276}{74350}to give you the idea that|you have freedom of choice.

{74352}{74387}You don't.

{74389}{74427}You have no choice.

{74429}{74464}You have owners.

{74466}{74509}They own you.

{74511}{74555}They own everything.

{74557}{74616}They own all|the important land.

{74618}{74670}They own and control|the corporations.

{74672}{74722}They've long since bought|and paid for the Senate,

{74724}{74791}the Congress, the|state houses, and city halls.

{74793}{74829}They got the judges|in their back pocket.

{74831}{74878}And they own all|the big media companies

{74880}{74928}so they control just about

{74930}{74980}all of the news and|information you get to hear.

{74982}{75048}They got you by the balls.

{75050}{75152}They spend billions of|dollars every year lobbying,

{75154}{75261}lobbying to get|what they want.

{75263}{75307}Well, we know what they want.

{75309}{75348}They want more for themselves

{75350}{75388}and less for everybody else.

{75390}{75444}But I'll tell you|what they don't want.

{75446}{75507}They don't want|a population of citizens

{75509}{75549}capable of critical thinking.

{75551}{75590}They don't|want well-informed,

{75592}{75632}well educated people

{75634}{75668}capable of critical thinking.

{75670}{75704}They're not|interested in that.

{75706}{75744}That doesn't help them.

{75746}{75802}That's against their interest.

{75804}{75855}That's right.

{75857}{75897}They don't want people|who are smart enough

{75899}{75931}to sit around|the kitchen table

{75933}{75973}and figure out how badly|they're getting fucked

{75975}{76014}by a system that|threw them overboard

{76016}{76056}30 fucking years ago.

{76058}{76088}They don't want that.

{76090}{76119}You know what they want?

{76121}{76184}They want obedient workers.

{76186}{76237}Obedient workers.

{76239}{76280}People who are|just smart enough

{76282}{76310}to run the machines

{76312}{76341}and do the paperwork

{76343}{76414}and just dumb enough|to passively accept

{76416}{76472}all these increasingly|shittier jobs

{76474}{76502}with the lower pay,

{76504}{76530}the longer hours,

{76532}{76559}the reduced benefits,

{76561}{76593}the end of overtime

{76595}{76629}and the vanishing pension

{76631}{76676}that disappears the|minute you go to collect it.

{76678}{76784}And now, they're coming for|your Social Security money.

{76786}{76841}They want your|fucking retirement money.

{76843}{76891}They want it back.

{76893}{76927}So they can give it to

{76929}{76978}their criminal|friends on Wall Street.

{76980}{77028}And you know something,|they'll get it.

{77030}{77074}They'll get it all|from you sooner or later.

{77076}{77133}Because they own|this fucking place.

{77135}{77194}It's a big club.

{77196}{77265}And you ain't in it.

{77267}{77364}You and I are|not in the big club.

{77366}{77402}By the way,|it's the same big club

{77404}{77459}they use to beat you over|the head with all day long

{77461}{77505}when they tell you|what to believe.

{77507}{77563}All day long beating you|over the head, and their media

{77565}{77649}telling you what to believe,|what to think and what to buy.

{77651}{77696}The table is tilted, folks.

{77698}{77742}The game is rigged

{77744}{77795}and nobody seems to notice.

{77797}{77858}Nobody seems to care.

{77860}{77904}Good, honest,|hard-working people.

{77906}{77936}White collar, blue collar.

{77938}{77991}It doesn't matter what|color shirt you have on.

{77993}{78063}Good, honest, hard-working|people continue...

{78065}{78110}these are people|of modest means,

{78112}{78190}continue to elect|these rich cocksuckers

{78192}{78239}who don't give|a fuck about them.

{78241}{78272}They don't give|a fuck about you.

{78280}{78328}They don't give|a fuck about you.

{78330}{78371}They don't care about you.

{78373}{78401}At all.

{78409}{78431}At all.

{78439}{78480}At all.

{78498}{78530}Yeah.

{78532}{78590}You know.

{78610}{78650}And nobody seems to notice.

{78652}{78690}Nobody seems to care.

{78692}{78730}That's what|the owners count on.

{78732}{78764}The fact that Americans

{78766}{78835}will probably remain|willfully ignorant

{78837}{78884}of the big red,|white and blue dick

{78886}{78975}that's being jammed up|their assholes every day.

{78977}{79061}Because the owners of this|country know the truth.

{79063}{79117}It's called|the American dream.

{79119}{79210}Because you have to|be asleep to believe it.

{79231}{79308}But say what you want|about American folks.

{79326}{79362}Yeah.

{79364}{79424}You can say what you|want about Americans.

{79426}{79463}You can call them smart, dumb,

{79465}{79512}ignorant, innocent, naive,

{79514}{79555}gullible, easily led.

{79557}{79592}Whatever you want.

{79594}{79624}You're gonna have|to deal with them.

{79632}{79665}You're gonna have|to deal with them

{79667}{79711}because you're in the|television business now.

{79713}{79811}You got the All-Suicide|Channel on cable TV.

{79813}{79861}You need these|people as viewers.

{79863}{79892}You need people looking in.

{79894}{79934}You got to worry|about your ratings.

{79936}{80016}You're going to have to be|thinking about sweeps months.

{80018}{80067}Most folks know what|sweeps months are now.

{80069}{80143}Those are the more important|ratings months of the year

{80145}{80202}when they put on all|their biggest attractions

{80204}{80230}and their hottest stars

{80232}{80265}trying to pump|the ratings up a little bit,

{80267}{80294}get the local stations

{80296}{80334}to adjust their|advertising rates.

{80336}{80409}You're going to|have to compete

{80411}{80496}with the mentality|of network television.

{80498}{80588}And I think on an|All-Suicide Channel,

{80590}{80634}during sweeps months,

{80636}{80720}you're going to have|to go with mass suicides.

{80722}{80751}Big public events

{80753}{80787}where hundreds of|people kill themselves

{80789}{80821}all at the same time

{80823}{80865}right on live TV.

{80867}{80911}Now, I've been wrestling|with a way to do this.

{80913}{80939}I've been trying|to figure this out.

{80941}{80971}I swear to|God this is the truth.

{80973}{81014}I've been trying to|figure this part of it out

{81016}{81050}for six months now.

{81052}{81097}And I only recently have it

{81099}{81131}so I'm going to|tell you about it.

{81133}{81196}Now, we're going to have to|get lots and lots of people

{81198}{81241}to kill themselves on demand.

{81243}{81297}How are we going to do this?|That's the question.

{81299}{81343}How are we going to get|large numbers of people

{81345}{81372}to commit suicide

{81374}{81435}at a time and place|of our choosing?

{81437}{81475}And I mean large numbers,

{81477}{81521}because don't forget|besides sweeps,

{81523}{81558}we're going to have|to be thinking about

{81560}{81609}24-hour a day programming.

{81611}{81642}So to make this work,

{81644}{81670}we need organization.

{81672}{81699}You need a system.

{81701}{81743}You can't just sit around|the studio all day long

{81745}{81779}and wait for people to drop by

{81781}{81826}and commit suicide.

{81828}{81864}What we have to do is build up

{81866}{81970}a large pool|of hopeless people.

{81972}{82012}Suicide volunteers.

{82014}{82042}People with no hope.

{82044}{82104}People whom society|has given up on.

{82106}{82143}Fate has given up on

{82145}{82183}or who have|given up on themselves.

{82185}{82222}Rock bottom, dead end,

{82224}{82264}totally fucked up people

{82266}{82291}with no hope

{82293}{82343}and no reason to live.

{82345}{82409}Now we got our|share of them, folks.

{82411}{82446}Think of it as a pyramid.

{82448}{82494}That will give you|a visual fix on it.

{82496}{82531}Think of it as a pyramid.

{82533}{82582}The pyramid of the hopeless.

{82584}{82623}We are going to start|building this pyramid

{82625}{82662}at the very base, naturally.

{82664}{82721}And the bottom layer

{82723}{82778}is going to|be homeless people.

{82780}{82819}God knows we've|got plenty of them.

{82821}{82853}Nobody gives|a fuck about them.

{82855}{82907}Nobody's got a plan.

{82909}{82935}Nobody's got any money.

{82937}{82967}Nobody's got a program.

{82969}{83030}Nobody gives a fuck|about homeless people.

{83032}{83070}We don't know|how many we have even.

{83072}{83132}We know 500,000|of them are veterans,

{83134}{83201}because we're so good to the|veterans in this country.

{83203}{83328}And we know about a 1,400,000|of them are children.

{83330}{83377}There, so we got|a million and a half children.

{83379}{83422}And then God knows|how many more we got.

{83424}{83467}Totally fucking hopeless.

{83493}{83548}In the pyramid they go.

{83550}{83602}Now, the next group we|are going to put in here,

{83604}{83655}these are the people in prison

{83657}{83728}with these long|sentences they've been given.

{83730}{83772}Many of them deserved.

{83774}{83800}I'll grant you that.

{83802}{83842}I'm sure half the|people in prison

{83844}{83913}are in there for|things they really did.

{83915}{83944}That's not a bad average.

{83946}{83990}One out of two.

{83992}{84060}But nobody gives|a shit about these people.

{84062}{84107}Nobody's going to hire|them if they do get out.

{84109}{84139}They're never|going to get out.

{84141}{84171}Rehabilitation doesn't work.

{84173}{84203}And the judges give them

{84205}{84244}these fucking|draconian sentences.

{84246}{84308}40, 50, 60, 70, 80,|100 year sentences.

{84310}{84338}Life term.

{84340}{84365}Double life.

{84367}{84400}One guy about a month ago

{84402}{84487}was given three|consecutive life terms,

{84489}{84555}plus two death penalties.

{84557}{84645}How the fuck|do you serve that?

{84647}{84741}Even David Copperfield|can't do that shit.

{84743}{84772}In order to do that,

{84774}{84825}you'd have to be a Hindu.

{84890}{84928}Then you got the|people on death row.

{84930}{84958}They ain't going anywhere.

{84994}{85056}In the fucking|pyramid they go.

{85058}{85089}Now, the next layer,

{85091}{85152}this group is self-selected.

{85154}{85224}Self-selected and|a bit controversial

{85226}{85273}to some ears, I guess.

{85275}{85378}These are the people who|claim to be depressed, okay?

{85380}{85449}Apparently in|this land of plenty,

{85451}{85511}this richest nation|in the history world

{85513}{85559}we're so proud of saying that.

{85561}{85596}Some supermarkets

{85598}{85641}have a hundred|thousand items in them.

{85643}{85704}We have 18 million Americans

{85706}{85760}claiming to be depressed.

{85762}{85804}And some of them|take medicine for it.

{85806}{85837}Sometimes the medicine

{85839}{85877}makes one of|them commit suicide

{85879}{85943}and that depresses the shit|out of the rest of them.

{85945}{85980}Then you have these people

{85982}{86019}who only think|they're depressed.

{86021}{86050}They think they're depressed

{86052}{86089}because they saw|the commercial on TV

{86091}{86135}and the doctor|looked like a good guy,

{86137}{86194}the music sounded kind|of peppy and what the fuck,

{86196}{86223}some of these pills

{86225}{86293}will probably just|pick me right up.

{86295}{86366}Totally fucking|hopeless minds.

{86397}{86434}In the fucking pyramid.

{86436}{86465}Up at the very top

{86467}{86513}we are gonna put the people

{86515}{86559}who are truly sick.

{86561}{86597}The terminally ill.

{86599}{86669}Unfortunately, no hope|for a lot of them.

{86671}{86702}Hundreds of thousands of them.

{86704}{86748}There's no cure|for what they have.

{86750}{86819}Some of them say there is no cure|because nobody's looking for one.

{86821}{86852}There ain't enough|people sick with it

{86854}{86891}so there ain't no money|in the fucking cure.

{86893}{86927}Then there's|people who've got...

{86929}{86967}there's a cure, but they|don't have the money for it.

{86969}{86999}There are the|other ones there's a cure

{87001}{87032}but they're too far gone.

{87034}{87064}There's other ones|there's a cure

{87066}{87113}but there is no|social means to get to it.

{87115}{87165}So these people|ain't going anywhere.

{87167}{87214}They should be|allowed to commit suicide.

{87216}{87241}Boom.

{87243}{87290}In the fucking|pyramid they go.

{87292}{87357}Now, think of what|you got here, folks.

{87359}{87385}Think of yourself

{87387}{87449}as the executive vice|president of programming

{87451}{87503}at the All-Suicide Channel.

{87505}{87549}Think of what you|have to work with

{87551}{87620}in the pyramid|of the hopeless.

{87622}{87662}You have homeless,

{87664}{87736}imprisoned,

{87738}{87783}condemned,

{87785}{87866}depressed and|terminally ill people.

{87868}{87911}And I'm going to|bet you anything.

{87913}{87964}In this depraved|culture of ours,

{87966}{88018}bet you anything,

{88020}{88083}with the reality show|mentality we have

{88085}{88124}on the All-Suicide Channel,

{88126}{88205}you could get 500

{88207}{88260}of these hopeless people

{88262}{88395}to hold hands and jump|into the Grand Canyon.

{88397}{88427}I'll fucking bet you.

{88429}{88475}I'll fucking bet you|you can get that done

{88477}{88522}in this country,|write this down.

{88524}{88547}I'll bet you.

{88549}{88591}For money,|for money, for money.

{88593}{88622}You got to give|them something.

{88624}{88656}You know, you got to...

{88658}{88683}Oh, shit.

{88685}{88731}They're Americans,|they're for sale.

{88733}{88781}Give them a little something.

{88783}{88814}Americans will do anything

{88816}{88890}but you got to give|them a toaster, don't you?

{88892}{88931}Give them a little|prize of some kind.

{88933}{88960}Everybody wants a gizmo.

{88962}{88994}Give them a gizmo.

{88996}{89019}Give them a cell phone.

{89021}{89045}Give them a laptop.

{89047}{89096}Give them a cell phone that|takes a picture of a laptop.

{89098}{89186}Give them a laptop that takes|a picture of a cell phone.

{89188}{89233}Give them one of them|three-wheeled vehicles.

{89235}{89276}Give them an|all-terrain vehicle.

{89278}{89328}Give them one of them|riding lawnmowers.

{89330}{89364}Give them a snowblower.

{89366}{89425}Give them an outdoor|barbecuer or a jet-ski.

{89427}{89479}Give them one of those|things they buy for themselves

{89481}{89520}when they are trying|to take their minds off

{89522}{89583}how badly they're getting|fucked by the system.

{89585}{89615}I know what you do.

{89617}{89653}Just before these people jump,

{89655}{89773}you give them a hat|with a camera in it.

{89775}{89855}And you tell them|it's jump cam.

{89857}{89944}Tell them you'll send the|video home to the family.

{89946}{89990}T-Shirt,|who don't want a T-shirt?

{89992}{90012}Everybody does.

{90014}{90039}Give them a nice T-shirt.

{90041}{90069}"I committed suicide

{90071}{90188}and all I got was this|stupid, fucking T-shirt."

{90190}{90210}All right.

{90212}{90264}Now...

{90335}{90374}If you want to really raise

{90376}{90414}the profile of this promotion,

{90416}{90489}get some of those|evangelical Christians

{90491}{90528}to volunteer for it

{90530}{90622}and you call it,|"Jump for Jesus".

{90630}{90664}"Jump for Jesus".

{90666}{90692}They would bite.

{90694}{90727}They would go for it.

{90729}{90761}Hey, you got to be fair.

{90763}{90807}Got to be fair|about these Christians.

{90809}{90876}They come in for a|lot of abuse these days.

{90878}{90913}So you do have to be fair.

{90915}{90992}All a Christian|really wants out of life

{90994}{91047}is to die,

{91049}{91117}and go see Jesus.

{91119}{91193}Give them a helping hand.

{91195}{91252}Do the Christian thing.

{91254}{91318}Tell them it's|a shortcut to heaven.

{91320}{91353}Mention the word martyr.

{91355}{91402}It works on the Muslims,|it works on the Catholics.

{91404}{91457}It might work for these|folks, you never know.

{91459}{91551}Hey, hey, I know.

{91553}{91616}Give them a|little encouragement.

{91618}{91649}"Go on you fanatical fuck,

{91651}{91700}he's down there.

{91708}{91747}He's down there.

{91755}{91785}He's down there.

{91787}{91853}He's at the|bottom of the canyon.

{91855}{91946}Look for the man|with the glowing head."

{91948}{92031}Oh, you could have a lot of|fun with a channel like that.

{92033}{92062}But you know|something, folks,

{92064}{92088}maybe you don't|want to be on cable.

{92096}{92132}Maybe you don't|want to be on cable.

{92134}{92177}It is a limited audience.

{92179}{92222}You might want to widen out

{92224}{92253}and get more people looking in

{92255}{92326}and you're going to have to|go to the broadcast networks.

{92328}{92379}One of the big|broadcast networks.

{92381}{92410}And I don't know about you,

{92412}{92444}but when I think about suicide

{92446}{92492}and broadcast|network television,

{92494}{92538}I'm thinking FOX.

{92540}{92583}Huh?

{92585}{92632}I'm telling you FOX.

{92634}{92676}If the people at FOX|ain't sitting around

{92678}{92719}having meetings|on an idea like this,

{92721}{92784}they ain't doing their|goddamn jobs over there.

{92786}{92822}So you put this thing on FOX,

{92824}{92866}get Budweiser to sponsor it.

{92868}{92911}Budweiser and a whole|bunch of car companies

{92913}{92959}so people can be thinking|about drinking and driving

{92961}{93017}at the same time.

{93019}{93045}Ain't that fun?

{93047}{93078}Isn't it fun to watch|the sporting events

{93080}{93109}on American television?

{93111}{93160}"Drink this,|drive that, fuck you."

{93162}{93206}They don't care.

{93208}{93248}They don't give|a shit about you.

{93250}{93279}And then every now and then

{93281}{93332}they qualify|the whole message.

{93334}{93398}"Drink responsibly."

{93544}{93592}So you put this thing on FOX.

{93594}{93624}And if you do,

{93626}{93709}if you do or on|any broadcast network,

{93711}{93776}you're gonna have to bring|in that younger audience.

{93778}{93810}Everybody knows that.

{93812}{93850}That's what the|advertisers are looking for

{93852}{93902}is these 18 to 24 year olds.

{93904}{93946}You're going to have|to get young people

{93948}{93982}interested in this.

{93984}{94052}You know how you get young|people interested in suicide?

{94054}{94112}You don't call it suicide.

{94114}{94188}You call it "Extreme Living".

{94223}{94261}They would go for it.

{94263}{94294}Listen, young people

{94296}{94358}are attracted to|suicide in the first place.

{94360}{94399}Did you know suicide

{94401}{94441}is the third|leading cause of death

{94443}{94504}between 15 and 24?

{94506}{94546}It's third.

{94548}{94620}Ninth in the|general population.

{94622}{94671}That will give you|an idea of how popular

{94673}{94758}this after school|activity has become

{94760}{94813}among our teenage folks.

{94815}{94885}Especially these young boys,

{94887}{94954}these adolescent males.

{94956}{95021}And a lot of them you know,

{95023}{95067}a lot of them,

{95069}{95171}they kill themselves|when they're jerking off.

{95173}{95221}They don't mean to.

{95223}{95282}It just happens.

{95284}{95313}You know about that?

{95315}{95385}Yeah, some you|know, I can tell.

{95387}{95415}Yeah.

{95417}{95443}A lot people|don't know about it.

{95445}{95489}A lot of people never|heard of that, you know.

{95491}{95543}It's just one of those|things Americans can't handle.

{95545}{95569}"We can't handle that.

{95571}{95612}We don't talk about that."

{95614}{95644}It's not on Larry King Live.

{95646}{95678}It ain't on Barbara Walters.

{95680}{95720}You ain't going to see|it in "People" magazine

{95722}{95756}but it's out there, folks.

{95758}{95831}It's out there and|it is extremely common.

{95833}{95885}You just ask any teenage boy

{95887}{95933}you know who trusts you.

{95935}{96003}Ask him what he knows|or what he's heard

{96005}{96075}about cutting off|your air supply

{96077}{96149}just at the moment you're about|to have a sexual release.

{96151}{96209}He'll tell you an|interesting story or two.

{96211}{96262}The kids call it "scarfing",

{96264}{96320}because some of them|use scarfs to do it.

{96322}{96351}Well, screw the kid.

{96353}{96380}Just get on the Internet.

{96382}{96411}Do it yourself.

{96413}{96504}Google in the words|autoerotic asphyxia.

{96506}{96548}Autoerotic asphyxia.

{96550}{96638}It's the practice of cutting|off the oxygen to the brain

{96640}{96691}at the last moment|during masturbation

{96693}{96757}in order to|heighten the orgasm.

{96759}{96802}And when I say common,

{96804}{96889}a thousand kids a year|die this way, okay?

{96891}{96922}A thousand of them die.

{96924}{96956}So think how many of them

{96958}{97009}are trying to pull this off.

{97011}{97092}If you pardon the little|pun that I throw in there

{97094}{97163}just to lighten the mood.

{97165}{97202}But here's the way it works.

{97204}{97249}Apparently, I never tried it.

{97251}{97343}It sounded risky to me.

{97345}{97388}Well, jerking|off is all I need.

{97390}{97429}You know what I mean, folks?

{97431}{97466}I ain't trying|to double my money.

{97468}{97532}Fuck that shit.

{97534}{97581}No, I just jerk off,

{97583}{97611}wipe off my chest,

{97613}{97662}get up and go|to work, you know.

{97664}{97742}That's it,|that's it, that's it.

{97881}{97915}Nothing fancy.

{97917}{97955}Nothing fancy at our house.

{97957}{98023}We're simple folk.

{98025}{98109}But here is the way|it's supposed to work

{98111}{98137}and this is why

{98139}{98201}it's such a big attraction|in the first place.

{98203}{98260}Apparently it is true,

{98262}{98325}medically,|physiologically speaking

{98327}{98388}that if you can|cut off your air supply,

{98390}{98426}the oxygen to your brain

{98428}{98498}just at the moment you're|about to have an orgasm,

{98500}{98537}the orgasm is about,

{98539}{98603}I don't know, let's|say 500 times better.

{98605}{98634}Something like that.

{98636}{98684}It's incredibly intense.

{98686}{98737}So what you got to do

{98739}{98804}is stand up on|a chair or a bucket

{98806}{98857}or some kind of thing,

{98859}{98907}you put a rope|around your neck

{98909}{98961}and you start jerking off.

{99301}{99390}And while you're|pulling your pud,

{99392}{99427}while you're|pulling your pud,

{99429}{99479}you have to arrange

{99481}{99546}to almost strangle yourself

{99548}{99607}just before you|have an orgasm.

{99609}{99634}And by the way,

{99636}{99672}while all this|activity is going on,

{99674}{99774}you've got to|maintain a hard-on

{99776}{99802}which ain't easy

{99804}{99872}because you might just be|getting ready to buy the farm.

{99874}{99914}So you better be fantasizing

{99916}{99977}about someone you really like

{99979}{100017}or something you really like.

{100019}{100048}I don't know what it might be.

{100050}{100099}Maybe getting fucked in|the ass by a game warden.

{100101}{100144}Who knows, huh.

{100146}{100183}Hey, I'm not here to judge.

{100185}{100215}We're all different.

{100217}{100278}To each his own.

{100280}{100368}So let's recap.

{100370}{100393}Stand on a chair,

{100395}{100420}rope around your neck,

{100422}{100498}peter in your hand.

{100500}{100603}Now, you have to|time it just right

{100605}{100675}so that just before you cum

{100677}{100777}you almost die.

{100779}{100887}And sometimes|you miscalculate.

{100889}{100975}You don't know if|you're coming or going.

{100977}{101011}You don't know.

{101013}{101053}There's no way to know.

{101055}{101113}No way to know.

{101290}{101335}And the parents of these kids

{101337}{101382}are too embarrassed|to tell the police

{101384}{101418}so they put the|kid's dick away

{101420}{101488}and say "He had poor grades.

{101566}{101616}His girlfriend left him."

{101618}{101658}"Oh, well, no wonder lady,

{101660}{101739}look at his fucking hobbies."

{101741}{101804}Then they blame it on|heavy metal, you know.

{101806}{101838}I don't know if|you remember that

{101840}{101910}but from that old|incident some years back,

{101912}{101943}Judas Priest,

{101945}{101977}one of the|head banging bands,

{101979}{102016}somebody played a song

{102018}{102061}and after that|they killed themselves

{102063}{102161}so they blamed|suicide on heavy metal.

{102163}{102188}If it's murder,

{102190}{102239}they tend blame|rap these days.

{102241}{102326}But it's never the parents.

{102328}{102354}Did you ever notice this?

{102356}{102421}Parents apparently|play no part

{102423}{102498}in the development and|outcomes of these kids.

{102500}{102527}Parents.

{102529}{102567}You know they can|raise a kid apparently

{102569}{102613}11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years.

{102615}{102653}If he turns out fucked up,

{102655}{102710}boy, they had|nothing to do with that.

{102712}{102755}"Must be those kids|at the parking lot

{102757}{102792}he hangs around with."

{102794}{102826}Parents got to be among

{102828}{102896}the most full of|shit people in the world.

{102898}{102925}Well, they always have been.

{102927}{102971}Top to bottom, front to back.

{102973}{103009}Listen, in fairness,

{103011}{103054}it comes with the job.

{103056}{103083}If you want to be a parent,

{103085}{103115}you got to be full of shit

{103117}{103166}at least half the time.

{103168}{103198}Look at it this way,

{103200}{103238}they have it both ways.

{103240}{103289}If the kid turns|out to be a loser,

{103291}{103340}they had nothing|to do with that.

{103342}{103375}But boy if he is a winner,

{103377}{103414}got a scholarship|or something like that,

{103416}{103462}man, they are the first ones|out there raising their hands

{103464}{103510}trying to take|a little credit.

{103512}{103542}It's a nice state of mind

{103544}{103618}if you can talk yourself|in to believing it.

{103631}{103668}But these are the kind|of things I think about

{103670}{103700}when I'm sitting home alone

{103702}{103732}during an electrical storm

{103734}{103819}waiting for the parole|officer to give me a call.

{103821}{103848}And these ideas,

{103850}{103915}these ideas come|floating into my head.

{103917}{103975}Just floating|right in unbidden.

{103977}{104047}I'm not asking|for these things.

{104049}{104109}I'm a vessel.

{104111}{104163}I'm a mere vessel.

{104165}{104229}In comes these thoughts.

{104231}{104317}And some of them|are a little offbeat.

{104319}{104367}I'm gonna grant you that.

{104375}{104421}I was thinking about|these younger woman

{104423}{104474}who got buried today.

{104476}{104510}Did you ever think about them?

{104512}{104584}Probably not.

{104586}{104629}But I was thinking about|these younger woman

{104631}{104684}who died three|or four days ago

{104686}{104742}got buried today.

{104744}{104810}And some of them had|a bad heart, you know.

{104812}{104875}Some of them had a bad kidney.

{104877}{104916}But a lot of them

{104918}{105017}had perfectly good pussies.

{105019}{105095}Good pussies, nice tits,

{105097}{105179}reasonably tight assholes

{105181}{105246}going to waste,

{105248}{105315}in the ground.

{105317}{105433}It just seems|a shame to me

{105435}{105522}that some fine, young pussy

{105524}{105614}should be rotting|away six feet under.

{105616}{105653}Because you'd think,

{105655}{105749}you would think in this era

{105751}{105843}that if you|can donate a heart...

{105913}{105994}Okay, okay.

{106049}{106116}To someone who needs one,

{106118}{106154}there ought to be a way

{106156}{106217}to recycle some|of these pussies.

{106219}{106278}And get them to|people who need them.

{106280}{106344}Some old guy living|up in the mountains.

{106346}{106427}"Wow.

{106429}{106458}Holy shit.

{106460}{106487}Look at this fucking thing.

{106489}{106513}This is great.

{106515}{106538}Thank you very much.

{106540}{106568}Thank you, sir,|I appreciate this.

{106570}{106601}Thank you, thank you.

{106603}{106635}Thank you, God bless you.

{106637}{106675}You're doing God's work.

{106677}{106739}I hope you know|that, don't you.

{106741}{106862}Hey, this is better than|"Publisher's Clearinghouse".

{106864}{106931}Listen here, buddy,

{106933}{107037}you ain't got a redheaded one|of these by any chance do you?

{107039}{107068}No, I didn't think so.

{107070}{107105}I never run into|one of them myself.

{107107}{107138}Thank you very much.

{107140}{107164}Now listen here,

{107166}{107194}this is the real|thing, ain't it?

{107196}{107235}This ain't one of|them store bought pussies

{107237}{107295}from the adult bookstore.

{107297}{107330}Huh, what's that?

{107332}{107355}Oh, okay.

{107357}{107397}Hold on just a second.

{107399}{107520}Oh, Jesus Christ on a cracker.

{107522}{107605}That's the real fucking thing.

{107607}{107669}I'd recognize that|son of a bitch anywhere.

{107671}{107763}That straightened|out my nose hairs.

{107765}{107794}I better get this sucker home

{107796}{107857}and get it in the refrigerator|as quick as I can."

{107859}{107932}The save-a-pussy foundation.

{107934}{108042}Give the gift|that keeps on giving.

{108044}{108111}Fuck the whales.

{108113}{108203}Save the pussy.

{108205}{108260}But you wouldn't want|to save all of them.

{108262}{108307}Not all of them.

{108309}{108393}Some of them is wore out.

{108395}{108457}Oh, you wouldn't want one of|them big, old rubbery things.

{108459}{108492}That ain't no good.

{108494}{108524}What you want is,

{108526}{108579}you want you|something nice and tight

{108581}{108637}but flexible.

{108639}{108711}Maybe you'd have an age limit.

{108713}{108795}Or a mileage check.

{108797}{108832}You know, you figure|out the average length

{108834}{108858}of the average dick,

{108860}{108899}the average number|of thrusts per event,

{108901}{108957}the average number|of events per lifetime,

{108959}{109023}you've got|that lady's mileage.

{109025}{109062}And you woman,|I don't want you to think

{109064}{109096}I'm going to leave|you out of the fun.

{109098}{109141}We're going to get you|a nice set of cock and balls.

{109143}{109180}Okay?

{109182}{109212}We'll get you something nice

{109214}{109304}just after|rigor mortis has set in.

{109306}{109339}Tell the truth, ladies.

{109341}{109391}Wouldn't you like|a nice set of cock and balls

{109393}{109472}without all the bullshit|that comes with them.

{109474}{109499}Huh?

{109501}{109522}Fucking a.

{109524}{109551}We'll get you something nice,

{109553}{109579}you keep it on the nightstand.

{109581}{109625}It's real easy|to find in the dark.

{109658}{109695}And if your mother comes over,

{109697}{109802}put a hat on it.

{109810}{109849}Well, somebody's got|to think of these things.

{109851}{109914}Apparently|I've been appointed.

{109985}{110017}I was dancing with a woman.

{110019}{110114}She told me she had|a yeast infection.

{110116}{110273}I said, "Well, bake|me a fucking loaf of bread.

{110275}{110320}A couple of corn|muffins, a jelly donut.

{110322}{110367}I don't give a shit.

{110369}{110475}I'm always in the market|for quality-baked goods.

{110477}{110514}You couldn't squeeze|a birthday cake

{110516}{110591}out of that thing by|any chance, could you?

{110593}{110641}No, no, I didn't think so.

{110643}{110692}No pressure, honey,|no pressure at all.

{110694}{110721}Why don't you|just turn around

{110723}{110816}and give me a nice|pineapple upside-down cake.

{110818}{110878}And a dozen oatmeal cookies.

{110880}{110960}Skip the raisins.

{110962}{111054}Icksnay on the aisinsray."

{111130}{111246}Well, I think it is|certainly apparent by now

{111248}{111359}that one of the things|I enjoy in life is excess.

{111361}{111426}I like things|that are excessive.

{111428}{111479}I like excessive behavior.

{111481}{111513}Excessive language.

{111515}{111553}Excessive violence.

{111555}{111576}It's fun.

{111578}{111602}It's interesting.

{111604}{111644}It's exciting.

{111646}{111721}I like it when|nature is excessive.

{111723}{111806}That's why I like|natural disasters.

{111808}{111876}All these natural disasters|that have been going on.

{111878}{111943}I fucking love them.

{111945}{112015}I can't get enough of them.

{112017}{112065}Oh, when nature's|going crazy,

{112067}{112093}throwing things around,

{112095}{112155}scaring people|and destroying property,

{112157}{112217}I'm a happy fucking guy.

{112225}{112291}I'm a happy fucking guy.

{112293}{112336}I look at it this way,

{112338}{112380}for centuries now

{112382}{112454}man has done everything he can

{112456}{112509}to destroy, defile

{112511}{112561}and interfere with nature.

{112563}{112599}Clear-cutting forests,

{112601}{112646}strip-mining mountains,

{112648}{112714}poisoning the atmosphere,

{112716}{112753}over fishing the oceans,

{112755}{112821}polluting the|rivers and lakes,

{112823}{112885}destroying|wetlands and aquifers.

{112887}{112940}So when nature strikes back

{112942}{112979}and smacks man in the head

{112981}{113033}and kicks him in the nuts,

{113035}{113086}I enjoy that.

{113088}{113131}I have absolutely no sympathy

{113133}{113192}for human beings whatsoever.

{113194}{113225}None.

{113227}{113293}And no matter what kind of|problem humans are facing

{113295}{113387}whether it's|natural or man made,

{113389}{113487}I always hope it gets worse.

{113489}{113505}Don't you?

{113513}{113556}Don't you?

{113558}{113605}Don't you have a part of you,

{113607}{113672}a part of you|that secretly hopes

{113674}{113739}everything gets worse?

{113741}{113821}When you see a big fire on TV,

{113823}{113896}don't you hope it spreads?

{113898}{113977}Don't you hope it gets|completely out of control

{113979}{114067}and burns down six counties?

{114069}{114157}You don't root for|a fireman, do you?

{114159}{114242}I mean I don't want him|to get hurt or nothin' but

{114244}{114326}I don't want him|putting out my fire.

{114328}{114378}That's my fire.

{114380}{114475}That's nature showing|off and having fun.

{114477}{114534}I like fires.

{114536}{114578}You know|something else I like?

{114580}{114665}Those spring|floods in the Midwest.

{114667}{114690}Aren't they great?

{114692}{114718}Like clockwork.

{114720}{114769}Spring floods in the Midwest.

{114771}{114804}But I'm starting to notice,

{114806}{114845}I'm starting to catch on

{114847}{114934}that every year|it's the same story.

{114936}{115013}Another flood|in the same place

{115015}{115063}with the same people|on the same river.

{115065}{115136}Same fucking people.

{115138}{115171}And these people do not move.

{115173}{115242}They will not fucking move.

{115244}{115279}They repaint,

{115281}{115323}put down new|carpeting and wallpaper

{115325}{115378}and they move right back|into the same fucking house

{115380}{115440}on the flood plain|next to the river

{115442}{115476}and then they wonder why

{115478}{115515}grandma's floating downstream

{115517}{115585}with a parakeet on her head.

{115587}{115622}Fourth time.

{115624}{115651}Again.

{115653}{115718}Fourth fucking time.

{115720}{115799}There's no learning|curve with these people.

{115801}{115878}It's very hard to|feel sorry for them.

{115880}{115938}Every year same people.

{115940}{115988}Same rowboats,

{115990}{116059}out there paddling around,

{116061}{116134}rescuing a chicken.

{116136}{116219}What the fuck kind|of a life is that?

{116221}{116282}"Well, our kids love it here."

{116284}{116310}Oh, really.

{116312}{116423}What do they got, gills?

{116425}{116478}And while they're showing|all that shit on the screen,

{116480}{116526}the announcer|is saying to me,

{116528}{116596}"It's been raining steadily|for three months now.

{116598}{116649}The ground can't|hold any more water.

{116651}{116690}The river is cresting higher

{116692}{116728}than it has in two centuries.

{116730}{116780}The levies have washed away"

{116782}{116844}and I just hope|it keeps raining,

{116846}{116867}and raining,

{116875}{116892}and raining,

{116900}{116922}and raining,

{116930}{116949}and raining,

{116957}{116978}and raining,

{116986}{117004}and raining,

{117012}{117029}and raining,

{117037}{117057}and raining,

{117065}{117082}and raining,

{117090}{117108}and raining,

{117116}{117142}and raining,

{117150}{117178}and raining,

{117180}{117283}and it rains steadily|for five years.

{117285}{117312}And then after that,

{117314}{117414}for ten years it's cloudy

{117416}{117483}with occasional showers.

{117485}{117573}And the river never returns|to its natural banks.

{117575}{117634}It becomes|a completely new river.

{117636}{117724}And the borders of three|states have to be changed.

{117726}{117765}And all the maps and atlases

{117767}{117846}have to be redrawn|and reprinted.

{117848}{117891}And no one's couch

{117893}{117969}ever completely dries out.

{117971}{117998}For years and years,

{118000}{118031}every time they sit down,

{118033}{118161}there's always|a little squish.

{118163}{118215}"Dan, Linda, come|on in, you guys.

{118217}{118240}Have a seat.

{118242}{118295}Squish, squish."

{118297}{118346}I like that.

{118348}{118395}I'm an interesting guy.

{118418}{118445}I always hope

{118447}{118497}that no matter how small|the original problem is

{118499}{118549}it's going to grow into|bigger and bigger proportions

{118551}{118594}that get completely|out of control.

{118596}{118652}And I'll give you|a concrete example.

{118654}{118708}Let's say a water main breaks

{118710}{118750}in downtown Los Angeles

{118752}{118793}and it floods an|electrical substation

{118795}{118830}knocking out all|the traffic lights

{118832}{118874}and tying up the entire city

{118876}{118933}and emergency|vehicles can't get through.

{118935}{118964}And at the same time

{118966}{119000}one of those month long

{119002}{119050}global warming heat|waves comes along

{119052}{119085}but there's|no air conditioning.

{119087}{119126}There's no water|for sanitation.

{119128}{119194}So cholera, small pox|and dysentery break out

{119196}{119257}and thousands of people|start dying in the streets.

{119259}{119287}But before they die,

{119289}{119334}parasites eat their brains.

{119336}{119375}And they go completely|fucking crazy,

{119377}{119406}and they storm the hospital.

{119408}{119462}But the hospital can't|handle all the casualties.

{119464}{119505}So these people|rape all the nurses

{119507}{119575}and set the hospital on fire.

{119577}{119630}And the flames|drive them even crazier

{119632}{119668}so they start stabbing

{119670}{119733}social workers|and garbage men.

{119735}{119767}And a big wind comes along

{119769}{119812}and the entire city|goes up in flames

{119814}{119855}and the people who|are still healthy

{119857}{119893}they get mad|at the sick people

{119895}{119938}and they start|crucifying them.

{119940}{119970}Nailing them to crosses.

{119972}{120004}Trying on their underwear.

{120006}{120060}Shit like that.

{120062}{120115}Then everybody|smokes crack and PCP

{120117}{120149}and they march on city hall

{120151}{120185}where they burn|the mayor at the stake,

{120187}{120214}strangle his wife

{120216}{120340}and take turns sodomizing|the statue of Larry Flynt.

{120342}{120375}And at this point,

{120377}{120447}at this point it|looks like pretty soon

{120449}{120545}things are going to start|to get out of control.

{120547}{120577}So everybody panics

{120579}{120633}and tries to leave|the city at the same time.

{120635}{120690}And they trample each other|to death in the streets

{120692}{120718}by the thousands

{120720}{120761}and wild dogs|eat their corpses.

{120763}{120792}And the wild dogs

{120794}{120831}chase the rest of the|people down the highway.

{120833}{120861}And one by one

{120863}{120901}the dogs pick|off the old fucks

{120903}{120934}and the slow people

{120936}{120968}because they're|in the fast lane

{120970}{120996}where they don't belong.

{120998}{121029}Get the fuck out|of the fast lane

{121031}{121057}if you're an old fuck,

{121059}{121086}if you're a slow fuck.

{121088}{121110}Get over on the right.

{121118}{121158}Get over on the right.

{121160}{121247}And then, the lucky ones,

{121249}{121276}the lucky people

{121278}{121316}who manage to make it all|the way outside of town

{121318}{121351}they discover when|they get there,

{121353}{121385}the big sparks from the city

{121387}{121428}have lit the suburbs on fire

{121430}{121483}and the suburbs|burn uncontrollably.

{121485}{121523}And thousands|of identical homes

{121525}{121558}have identical fires

{121560}{121602}with identical smoke

{121604}{121644}killing all the|identical soccer moms

{121646}{121684}and their identical kids

{121686}{121766}named Jason and Jennifer.

{121768}{121833}And now, now the fire|spreads to the farmlands

{121835}{121928}and the farmlands burn|intensely of 425 degrees

{121930}{121975}creating millions|of baked potatoes.

{121977}{122051}And as the farmlands burn,

{122053}{122082}as the farmlands burn,

{122085}{122148}thousands of barns and|farmhouses begin to explode

{122150}{122236}from all hidden|methamphetamine labs.

{122238}{122287}And the meth chemicals|run downhill

{122289}{122317}into the rivers and streams

{122319}{122360}where wild animals|drink the water

{122362}{122434}and get completely|geeked on speed.

{122436}{122488}So bears and wolves|amped up on crank

{122490}{122522}start roaming the countryside

{122524}{122579}looking for people to eat

{122581}{122674}even though they're|not really hungry.

{122676}{122711}Then the fire|spreads to the forest.

{122713}{122757}And the forest burn furiously.

{122759}{122807}And hundreds of elves|and trolls and fairies

{122809}{122850}come running out of|the woods screaming,

{122852}{122917}"Bambi is dead,|Bambi is dead!"

{122919}{122947}And he is, he is.

{122949}{122995}Finally that|fucking little cunt.

{122997}{123068}Bambi is dead.

{123070}{123128}Dead.

{123130}{123208}Now, hundreds of regional|fires come together

{123210}{123263}into one huge|interstate inferno.

{123265}{123318}And all 12 of the|western United States

{123320}{123354}are burning out of control

{123356}{123471}except Utah where the|Mormons don't allow fires.

{123473}{123525}And the fires spreads|across the Great Plains

{123527}{123554}toasting the wheat,

{123556}{123579}cooking the cattle

{123581}{123665}and producing|hamburgers actually.

{123667}{123699}Then it leaps to Mississippi

{123701}{123735}and races through the South

{123737}{123798}blowing up stills|and interrupting lynching's

{123800}{123865}and killing millions|of inbred people.

{123867}{123923}And then it turns northeast

{123925}{123967}and it heads for|Washington, D.C.

{123969}{124013}Where George Bush can't decide

{124015}{124076}if it's an emergency or not.

{124078}{124119}He can't decide this.

{124121}{124149}He doesn't know.

{124151}{124182}Wow.

{124184}{124246}Oh it's hard work.

{124248}{124288}You know.

{124352}{124390}He can't decide

{124392}{124439}because Dick Cheney|is in prison.

{124441}{124540}So instead he takes a nap.

{124542}{124570}He takes a nap.

{124572}{124635}He puts his empty,|fucking brainless head down

{124637}{124668}on the little pillow

{124670}{124704}his mother gave|him at Christmas time

{124706}{124752}and he takes a fucking nap.

{124754}{124790}So the fire moves|to Philadelphia

{124792}{124820}but it's a weekend

{124822}{124891}and Philadelphia's|closed on the weekends.

{124893}{124930}So the fire moves|to New York City

{124932}{124960}and the people of New York

{124962}{125039}tell the fire|to go fuck itself.

{125041}{125088}"Go fuck yourself."

{125090}{125153}And it does.

{125244}{125271}And it does.

{125273}{125334}So instead it burns down|Long Island and Connecticut

{125336}{125380}killing all the|rich white assholes

{125382}{125415}and completely destroying

{125417}{125478}their evil,|faggoty golf courses.

{125603}{125646}And while all|this is going on,

{125648}{125700}Canada burns to the ground

{125702}{125792}but nobody notices.

{125794}{125849}And now the entire|North American continent

{125851}{125912}is on fire producing|a huge thermal updraft

{125914}{125951}and creating an incendiary

{125953}{125987}cyclonic macro system

{125989}{126036}that forms a|hemispheric mega storm

{126038}{126094}breaking down the molecular|structure of the atmosphere

{126096}{126151}and actually changing|the laws of nature.

{126153}{126194}Fire and water combine.

{126196}{126253}Burning clouds of|flaming rain fall upward.

{126255}{126321}Gamma rays and solar winds|ignite the ionosphere

{126323}{126374}creating huge clouds|of ionized plasma.

{126376}{126425}Bolts of lightning|20 million miles long

{126427}{126467}begin shooting out|of the North Pole.

{126469}{126606}And the sky fills|up with green shit.

{126608}{126641}And then suddenly

{126643}{126743}the entire fabric of|space-time splits in two.

{126745}{126815}A huge crack in|the universe opens

{126817}{126855}and all the dead|people from the past

{126857}{126914}begin falling through.

{126916}{126952}Babe Ruth, Groucho Marx,

{126954}{127009}Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim,

{127011}{127044}Porky Pig, Hitler,

{127046}{127089}Janis Joplin, Alan Ludden

{127091}{127125}my Uncle Dave,

{127127}{127185}your Uncle Dave.

{127187}{127221}Everybody's Uncle Dave.

{127223}{127276}An endless stream|of dead Uncle Dave's

{127278}{127337}falling through the crack.

{127339}{127372}And all the dead Uncle Dave's

{127374}{127448}gather around a|heavenly kitchen table.

{127450}{127482}They light up cigarettes

{127484}{127527}and they begin to talk.

{127529}{127582}They talk about how|they never got a break.

{127584}{127623}How their parents|didn't love them.

{127625}{127674}And their children|were ungrateful.

{127676}{127709}They talk about|how the government

{127711}{127743}screwed them out of money

{127745}{127800}and they just missed|out on a big job.

{127802}{127844}They say the|Jews own everything,

{127846}{127910}and the blacks|get special treatment.

{127912}{127953}And all the|hatred and bitterness

{127955}{127996}drips out of these people

{127998}{128056}and forms a big|pool of liquid hate.

{128058}{128118}And the pool of liquid|hate begins to spin.

{128120}{128153}Round and round it spins,

{128155}{128186}faster and faster.

{128188}{128237}And the faster it spins,|the bigger it gets.

{128239}{128282}Faster and faster,|bigger and bigger.

{128284}{128312}Until the|whirling pool of hate

{128314}{128359}is bigger than|the entire universe.

{128361}{128385}And then suddenly

{128387}{128497}it explodes into|trillions of tiny stars.

{128499}{128563}And every star|has a trillion planets

{128565}{128656}and every planet has|a trillion Uncle Dave's.

{128658}{128723}And all the|Uncle Dave's have good jobs,

{128725}{128803}perfect eyesight|and shoes that fit.

{128805}{128837}They have great sex lives

{128839}{128891}and free health care.

{128893}{128928}They understand the Internet.

{128930}{128977}Their kids think they're cool

{128979}{129032}and they all|love their neighbors.

{129034}{129095}And every week without fail,

{129097}{129177}Uncle Dave wins the lottery.

{129179}{129235}Forever and ever|until the end of time

{129237}{129284}every single Uncle Dave

{129286}{129341}has a winning ticket.

{129343}{129416}And Uncle Dave|is finally happy.

{129418}{129452}Now do you see why I like it

{129454}{129523}when nature gets|even with humans?

{129525}{129585}Thanks for coming|in here tonight.

{129726}{129744}Thank you.

{129746}{129792}See you later.

{129840}{129912}.:: Napisy24 - Nowy Wymiar Napis�w ::.|Napisy24.pl