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1
00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:36,654
Thank you!
2
00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:44,156
Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!
3
00:00:46,497 --> 00:00:48,480
Go!
4
00:00:54,953 --> 00:00:59,421
Thank you very much!
Thank you! Thank you!
5
00:01:00,281 --> 00:01:02,855
Thank you!
I'm a modern man!
6
00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:08,309
I'm a modern man! I'm a modern man!
I'm a modern man!
7
00:01:08,429 --> 00:01:12,516
I'm a modern man! A man for the millennium!
Digital and smoke-free!
8
00:01:12,636 --> 00:01:15,420
A diversified, multi-cultural
post-modern deconstructionist...
9
00:01:15,540 --> 00:01:18,300
...politically, anatomically and
ecologically incorrect...
10
00:01:18,528 --> 00:01:21,252
I've been uplinked and downloaded,
I've been inputted and outsourced...
11
00:01:21,306 --> 00:01:24,554
I know the upside of downsizing,
I know the downside of upgrading...
12
00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:27,317
I'm a high-tech low-life!
A cutting-edge, state of the art...
13
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:32,005
bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you
a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
14
00:01:32,397 --> 00:01:36,490
I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school;
and my inner child is outward-bound...
15
00:01:36,610 --> 00:01:38,812
I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer...
16
00:01:38,862 --> 00:01:40,952
...and I'm voice-activated
and bio-degradable...
17
00:01:41,072 --> 00:01:43,957
I interface with my database;
and my database is in cyberspace...
18
00:01:44,077 --> 00:01:48,653
...so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive
and from time to time I'm radioactive!
19
00:01:52,864 --> 00:01:56,981
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,
ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet,
pushin' the envelope!
20
00:01:57,101 --> 00:01:59,877
I'm on point, on task,
on message and off drugs!
21
00:01:59,997 --> 00:02:03,313
I've got no need for coke and speed!
I've got no urge to binge and purge!
22
00:02:03,433 --> 00:02:06,342
I'm in the moment, on the edge,
over the top, but under the radar...
23
00:02:06,462 --> 00:02:09,371
A high-concept, low profile,
medium-range ballistic missionary...
24
00:02:09,491 --> 00:02:12,291
A street-wise smart bomb,
a top-gun bottom-feeder...
25
00:02:12,411 --> 00:02:16,070
I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps, I run victory laps...
26
00:02:16,313 --> 00:02:20,469
I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach...
27
00:02:20,589 --> 00:02:26,965
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;
out of rehab and in denial!
28
00:02:33,492 --> 00:02:38,032
I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper,
a personal assistant and a personal agenda!
29
00:02:38,152 --> 00:02:40,693
You can't shut me up!
You can't dumb me down!
30
00:02:40,813 --> 00:02:45,311
'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless,
I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
31
00:02:46,165 --> 00:02:50,024
I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever;
Laid-back and fashion-forward.
32
00:02:50,144 --> 00:02:52,388
Up-front, down-home,
low rent, high-maintenance!
33
00:02:52,508 --> 00:02:56,732
Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition,
fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last!
34
00:02:56,852 --> 00:03:00,168
I'm a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;
prematurely post-traumatic...
35
00:03:00,288 --> 00:03:03,565
...and I have a love child
who sends me hate-mail!
36
00:03:04,574 --> 00:03:07,415
But I'm feeling, I'm caring,
I'm healing, I'm sharing...
37
00:03:07,535 --> 00:03:10,265
A supporting, bonding, nurturing
primary-care giver...
38
00:03:10,385 --> 00:03:14,085
My output is down, but my income is up!
I take a short position on the long bond,
39
00:03:14,205 --> 00:03:16,227
...and my revenue stream has
its own cash flow.
40
00:03:16,347 --> 00:03:20,102
I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports...
41
00:03:20,222 --> 00:03:26,431
I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive,
user-friendly and lactose intolerant!
42
00:03:27,399 --> 00:03:32,408
I like rough sex; I like tough love,
I use the f-word in my e-mail...
43
00:03:32,528 --> 00:03:36,205
...and the software on my hard drive
is hard-core - No soft porn!
44
00:03:36,420 --> 00:03:39,903
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store...
45
00:03:40,023 --> 00:03:46,037
I eat fast-food in the slow lane,
I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear,
and I come in all sizes!
46
00:03:46,157 --> 00:03:51,301
A fully equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested, clinically proven,
scientifically formulated medical miracle!
47
00:03:51,421 --> 00:03:54,637
I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged...
48
00:03:54,757 --> 00:03:57,425
...post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped,
vacuum-packed, and...
49
00:03:57,545 --> 00:04:02,102
I have an unlimited broadband capacity!
50
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:13,137
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal.
Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock!
51
00:04:13,257 --> 00:04:16,629
Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow...
52
00:04:16,749 --> 00:04:18,968
I ride with the tide,
I've got glide in my stride...
53
00:04:19,088 --> 00:04:22,783
Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin',
jivin' and groovin, wailin' and winnin'...
54
00:04:22,903 --> 00:04:26,775
I don't snooze, so I don't lose!
I keep the pedal to the metal and
the rubber on the road...
55
00:04:26,895 --> 00:04:29,701
I party hearty!
And lunchtime is crunch time.
56
00:04:29,821 --> 00:04:31,824
I'm hangin' in,
there ain't no doubt...
57
00:04:31,944 --> 00:04:35,943
...and I'm hangin' tough.
Over and out!
58
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,414
Thank you! Thank you!
59
00:04:41,412 --> 00:04:43,085
Thank you very much!
60
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,675
Way to go! Thank you!
61
00:04:49,542 --> 00:04:54,512
Hey! I've got 341 days over and next year's
my 50th anniversary in show business...
62
00:04:54,632 --> 00:04:57,995
...so let's do a fucking show! Huh?
63
00:05:06,905 --> 00:05:11,220
You know some people don't talk about' em
in public anymore? Pussyfarts!
64
00:05:20,690 --> 00:05:23,224
So, anyway...
65
00:05:24,790 --> 00:05:29,780
I said that on my last HBO show and apparently
some people don't know what a pussyfart is...!
66
00:05:30,474 --> 00:05:33,282
...'cause I got some inquiries...
67
00:05:33,402 --> 00:05:35,150
Here's the deal!
68
00:05:35,270 --> 00:05:38,242
A pussyfart is like when you're making
love to a woman...
69
00:05:38,362 --> 00:05:41,451
...who's got a little extra air
in her vagina...
70
00:05:41,571 --> 00:05:43,946
...and every time you thrust forward
there's kind of a...
71
00:05:59,904 --> 00:06:04,306
And the two of you, just lyin' there,
each is wonderin' if the other one farted...
72
00:06:04,962 --> 00:06:09,130
And the man is usually thinking:
"Maybe she farts when she comes!"
73
00:06:10,158 --> 00:06:13,014
"Maybe she took a shit!"
74
00:06:13,347 --> 00:06:17,192
"Man, I gotta stay out of that
fucking bar!"
75
00:06:22,329 --> 00:06:26,018
Another word you don't hear too often
is "Dingleberries!"
76
00:06:26,615 --> 00:06:29,882
You know? You never hear it
in "Meet the Press?"
77
00:06:30,292 --> 00:06:34,206
The dingleberry solution,
the dingleberry-gate... Nothing!
78
00:06:34,470 --> 00:06:39,616
I guess this is 'cause "dingleberries"
is one of them words you don't say
too much past your tenth birthday!
79
00:06:40,186 --> 00:06:44,546
It't not a grown-up's word! It's a kid's word!
"Dingleberries!"
80
00:06:44,791 --> 00:06:48,427
Always sounded kinda Christmasy to me!
81
00:06:48,796 --> 00:06:53,033
Won't you say there's a holiday ring to it?
"Dingleberries!"
82
00:06:53,319 --> 00:06:57,542
"John, you may want to hang some
dingleberries over the front door!"
83
00:06:57,802 --> 00:07:02,312
"And when Mary Ann comes over she
can kiss you under the Dingleberries!"
84
00:07:02,586 --> 00:07:07,096
It is to be devoutedly wished
that she would kiss me...
85
00:07:07,216 --> 00:07:09,967
...under the Dingleberries!
86
00:07:10,376 --> 00:07:13,493
"Cornhole" is another word you
don't hear enough!
87
00:07:13,613 --> 00:07:17,416
You don't hear that nearly enough, you know!
It's a good word! A solid word!
88
00:07:17,536 --> 00:07:21,407
It's a tough word! It's a man's kind of word!
It's got a masculine sound!
89
00:07:21,527 --> 00:07:25,357
Like "shotgun", and "ashcan",
and "tow-truck"...!
90
00:07:25,477 --> 00:07:27,885
"Cornhole!"
91
00:07:28,005 --> 00:07:34,595
Everything's been sanitized now, and cleaned up!
First with these fucking Christians,
let's just start with them!
92
00:07:40,609 --> 00:07:48,769
Let's not leave out these PC campus liberal
assholes! They're just as fucking bad from
a different direction!
93
00:07:49,029 --> 00:07:55,931
But's everything's different! Everything's been
polished up! It's "anal intercourse", "anal rape!"
94
00:07:56,163 --> 00:07:59,266
Bullshit! Cornhole!
95
00:08:02,287 --> 00:08:06,167
I'm a big fan of the prime time crime shows...
96
00:08:06,287 --> 00:08:10,254
...I like all of them pretty much,
you know, I like "Law and Order",
and all the spin-offs of that...
97
00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:15,694
I like "CSI", and all of those spin-offs,
'cause they're forensic shows, you know?
98
00:08:15,814 --> 00:08:20,820
And I'm just waiting for one night to be sitting
there watching one of them shows, and...
99
00:08:20,940 --> 00:08:24,879
...the chief medical examiner turns
to the lead detective and say "Steve..."
100
00:08:24,999 --> 00:08:31,685
"Looks to me like that after they killed this guy
the perpretators rolled him over and cornholed
him about thirty or forty fucking times..."
101
00:08:37,493 --> 00:08:41,279
"And there's a posthumous multiple cornhole
entry wound!"
102
00:08:44,682 --> 00:08:47,963
In prison it's a social activity!
103
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:53,088
Yeah, it's right there on the bulletin board!
"Checkers, handball, cornholing!"
104
00:08:55,426 --> 00:08:58,638
Now, just to change the subject
a little bit...
105
00:08:59,294 --> 00:09:02,806
Do you realize...?
106
00:09:02,926 --> 00:09:06,387
...that right this second,
right now...
107
00:09:06,507 --> 00:09:09,065
...somewhere around the world...
108
00:09:09,185 --> 00:09:13,042
...some guy is getting ready
to kill himself?
109
00:09:13,493 --> 00:09:17,443
Ain't that great?
110
00:09:17,812 --> 00:09:21,010
Do you ever stop and think
about that kind of shit?
111
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:24,796
I do! It's fun!
112
00:09:24,916 --> 00:09:27,447
And it's interesting!
And it's true!
113
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:32,204
Right this second, some guy is getting ready
to bite the big bazooka!
114
00:09:32,682 --> 00:09:37,998
Because statistics show that every year a million
people commit suicide!
115
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:42,659
A million! That's 280 a day!
116
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,623
That's one every 30 seconds!
117
00:09:50,601 --> 00:09:53,020
There goes another guy!
118
00:09:54,017 --> 00:09:59,935
And I say "guy" because men are four times
more likely than women to commit suicide!
119
00:10:00,182 --> 00:10:02,409
Even though women attempt it more!
120
00:10:02,529 --> 00:10:05,908
So men are better at it!
121
00:10:06,028 --> 00:10:09,654
That's something else you girls
are wanna be working on!
122
00:10:10,419 --> 00:10:15,052
Well, if you wanna be truly equal,
you're gonna have to start taking
your own lives in greater numbers!
123
00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:23,430
But I just think it's interesting
to know...
124
00:10:23,550 --> 00:10:26,833
..."interesting", that's a big word in this
show for me...
125
00:10:26,953 --> 00:10:30,947
...interesting to know that at any moment,
the odds are good...
126
00:10:31,235 --> 00:10:35,636
...that some guy is draggin' a chair across
the garage floor...
127
00:10:35,963 --> 00:10:38,874
...trying to get it right underneath
that ceiling beam...
128
00:10:38,994 --> 00:10:43,644
...don't want it to be too far off center.
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right!
129
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:49,289
Somewhere else another guy is going over
and getting a gun out of a chest of drawers...
130
00:10:49,754 --> 00:10:53,472
Somebody else is opening up a brand
new package of razorblades!
131
00:10:53,738 --> 00:10:56,964
Maybe struggling with the cellophane
a little bit, you know?
132
00:10:57,319 --> 00:11:01,351
"Oh shit! There's always something!
Goddam it!"
133
00:11:04,851 --> 00:11:07,352
I just think that's interesting as hell!
134
00:11:07,612 --> 00:11:10,618
That's probably the most interesting
thing you can do with your life!
135
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:13,147
End it!
136
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:16,318
I don't think I could that, though!
Could you? God!
137
00:11:16,438 --> 00:11:20,363
I couldn't commit suicide
if my life depended on it!
138
00:11:20,483 --> 00:11:22,878
But I understand it, you know?
I think I do...
139
00:11:22,998 --> 00:11:28,290
I don't wonder about it! I don't wonder:
"Why did he do that?" "What was going
through his mind?" You know what I wonder?
140
00:11:28,410 --> 00:11:30,947
Where do you find the fucking time?
141
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:35,348
Who's got time to be committing suicide?
Aren't you busy? I've got shit to do!
142
00:11:35,468 --> 00:11:38,723
Suicide would be way down
on my list...
143
00:11:38,983 --> 00:11:43,206
...probably down past lighting
my own house on fire!
144
00:11:44,107 --> 00:11:47,852
Am I wanna try a little self-mutilation first?
145
00:11:47,972 --> 00:11:51,118
You know? Take a couple of
hunks out of my arm...
146
00:11:51,238 --> 00:11:54,344
See if I like the general idea...!
147
00:11:54,617 --> 00:12:01,218
Cause you gotta have priorities, man! You know?
And you gotta have a plan, too, for something
like that! Gotta plan that shit!
148
00:12:01,338 --> 00:12:06,781
People don't just run out the house and jump off
a bridge! There are things you have to decide!
149
00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:10,553
Timing is important!
When are you gonna do it?
150
00:12:10,673 --> 00:12:13,819
"Welll, let me see it now...!"
151
00:12:13,939 --> 00:12:18,453
"Wednesday's out. Gotta take
Timmy to the circus...!"
152
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:23,729
"Survivors's on on Thursday!"
153
00:12:24,057 --> 00:12:27,679
"Friday, I've got my colon cleansing..."
154
00:12:28,526 --> 00:12:33,023
"Folks are coming over on Sunday..."
155
00:12:34,594 --> 00:12:37,615
"Sunday...!"
156
00:12:37,735 --> 00:12:41,866
By God, that'll be just the thing!
Maybe Mum will find my body!
157
00:12:42,193 --> 00:12:46,280
Serves her right for fucking me up
the way she did!
158
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:51,309
Then you have to pick a method!
How are you gonna do it?
159
00:12:51,568 --> 00:12:56,434
Well, let me see it now...!
I'm afraid of heights, that's no good!
160
00:12:56,554 --> 00:12:59,413
Can't swallow pills,
Don't like the sight of blood...!
161
00:12:59,533 --> 00:13:02,953
Fucking ovens are electric...!
162
00:13:04,716 --> 00:13:09,965
I'd lay out in front of a train, except damn track
ain't coming through here in thirty goddam years!
163
00:13:10,443 --> 00:13:14,366
Maybe I'll just take a gun
and shoot myself in the mouth!
164
00:13:14,626 --> 00:13:17,469
Huh... Suppose I miss!
165
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:20,298
People'll be laughing at me!
166
00:13:20,530 --> 00:13:25,341
Suppose I live...!
I'd have a big fucking hole in my head!
167
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,126
I'd have to wear some kind
of dumbass hat!
168
00:13:30,234 --> 00:13:33,404
Well, I guess I'll just hang myself!
That'll be good!
169
00:13:34,197 --> 00:13:39,335
Gotta get a rope!
Oh, shit! There's always something...!
170
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:45,377
I've got a rope in the garage...!
Ah! It's got a lot of grease and paint on it!
171
00:13:45,815 --> 00:13:48,959
Don't want to get that
stuff on my neck!
172
00:13:49,587 --> 00:13:52,772
Wal-Mart is having a special
on rope this weekend!
173
00:13:53,004 --> 00:13:55,738
No sense in spending a lot of money
to kill myself!
174
00:13:55,858 --> 00:14:00,725
Then again, I can always put it on my credit
card, and never have to pay the fucking thing!
175
00:14:02,748 --> 00:14:07,573
Eh, that's it, then! I'm hanging myself
and Wal-Mart is paying for it!
176
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:11,878
What's next? A note...!
177
00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:15,882
Oh, Jesus!
Gotta express myself!
178
00:14:16,142 --> 00:14:20,228
Hell, if I gotta express myself I wanna
be thinking a note or something, I guess...
179
00:14:20,348 --> 00:14:25,682
Where's the pen? Can never
find a pen!
180
00:14:25,914 --> 00:14:30,247
Told the kids not to move the pen
away from that telephone! Goddam kids!
181
00:14:30,561 --> 00:14:33,486
I'll just kill them, too!
182
00:14:33,746 --> 00:14:37,259
Make it one of them family
package deals!
183
00:14:37,379 --> 00:14:41,933
Ah, here's a pen! I oughta jam it
in my fucking neck and get it over with!
184
00:14:43,409 --> 00:14:49,094
Let's see now...!
Where do you put the date, upper left...?
185
00:14:50,625 --> 00:14:55,969
I can never remember that...!
"To whom it may concern..."
186
00:14:56,365 --> 00:14:59,864
Huh... sounds kinda impersonal...
187
00:14:59,984 --> 00:15:04,580
"Dear Marcelle..."
Huh, leaves out the kids...
188
00:15:05,003 --> 00:15:08,611
I know!
"Hey, guys! Guess what?"
189
00:15:08,731 --> 00:15:13,353
"Keep on reading! How are you?
I hope you are fine!"
190
00:15:13,670 --> 00:15:16,972
"I am not fine!"
191
00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:21,608
"As you can no doubt tell from me
hanging here from the ceiling fixture!"
192
00:15:21,914 --> 00:15:25,183
"You were the ones who
drove me to this!"
193
00:15:25,762 --> 00:15:29,239
"I was doing just fine until
you fuckers came along!"
194
00:15:29,654 --> 00:15:32,464
"I hope you're happy now
that I'm goddam dead!"
195
00:15:32,803 --> 00:15:35,657
"Signed: The corpse in this room!"
196
00:15:36,073 --> 00:15:39,408
"P.S. Fuck you, people!"
197
00:15:47,006 --> 00:15:50,965
That would be a good note! I don't think a writer
could ever commit suicide, do you?
198
00:15:51,085 --> 00:15:53,600
A writer would be too busy working
on the note all goddam year!
199
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:57,657
Trying to get it just right! First draft,
second draft, third revision, whole
new ending...!
200
00:15:57,777 --> 00:16:01,429
And finally turning it into a book proposal
and have a reason to live!
201
00:16:01,648 --> 00:16:05,136
It won't work! I think about stuff like that!
It's interesting to me, like I said!
202
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:08,001
Certain things are interesting!
Suicide is interesting!
203
00:16:08,121 --> 00:16:11,805
Life is filled with interesting things!
That's why I could never commit suicide!
204
00:16:11,925 --> 00:16:14,812
I'm having too much fun!
Keeping an eye on you, folks!
205
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:18,310
Watching what you do! Human behaviour!
That's what I like!
206
00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:20,902
Humans do some really
interesting things!
207
00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:24,237
Like, besides killing ourselves,
we also kill each other!
208
00:16:24,521 --> 00:16:27,725
Murder! And we're the only ones
who do that, by the way!
209
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:32,886
Humans are the only species on earth that
deliberately kills members of their own
species for personal gain...
210
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,145
Or pleasure! Sometimes it's just fun...!
211
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:39,382
We're also the only species that deliberately
kill members of another species...!
212
00:16:39,502 --> 00:16:43,285
...for personal gain, or pleasure!
That's what hunters do! They kill for pleasure!
213
00:16:43,405 --> 00:16:47,891
That's us! Human beings!
Interesting folks! Murderous!
214
00:16:48,011 --> 00:16:51,212
Here's an interesting form of
murder we came up with...!
215
00:16:51,332 --> 00:16:54,929
Assassination! Do you what's interesting
about assassination!
216
00:16:55,166 --> 00:16:59,663
Well, not only does it change those
popularity polls in a big fucking hurry!
217
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:06,405
But it's also interesting to know who it is
we assassinate! Do you ever notice, stop
to think who it is we kill...?
218
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:11,189
It's always people who told us to live together
in harmony and try to love one another...!
219
00:17:11,309 --> 00:17:17,836
Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy,
Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King,
Martha Rivers, Malcolm X, John Lennon...
220
00:17:17,956 --> 00:17:24,926
They all said: "Try to live together peacefully!"
BAM! Right in the fucking head!
221
00:17:29,146 --> 00:17:32,665
Apparently we're not ready for that!
222
00:17:33,024 --> 00:17:35,894
Yeah! That's difficult behaviour
for us!
223
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:40,165
We're too busy, thinking around,
sitting around trying to think up
ways to kill each other!
224
00:17:40,438 --> 00:17:45,529
Here's one we came up with! It's efficient, too!
Genocide! You know?
225
00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:51,953
Killing large numbers of people simply 'cause
they don't look like you, they don't talk like you
and they don't have the same kind of hats you do!
226
00:17:52,073 --> 00:17:58,427
Did you ever notice that anytime you see
two groups of people who really hate each other,
chances are good they're wearing different kinds
of hats!
227
00:17:58,547 --> 00:18:01,810
Keep an eye on that!
It might be important!
228
00:18:01,930 --> 00:18:06,030
But anytime there's genocide
there are always mass graves!
229
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:09,446
Every time we kill some dictator
and go marching through his country...
230
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:13,785
...we always finds mass graves!
Thousands and thousands of dead
bodies of people the dictator killed!
231
00:18:13,905 --> 00:18:18,228
And everybody over here gets horrified!
"Oh, mass graves! Mass graves! Oh!"
232
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:21,730
Oh, shit! What's a guy supposed to do
with a couple of thousand people he
just killed?
233
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:25,079
Dig separate holes?
Fuck that shit!
234
00:18:25,199 --> 00:18:28,342
It's labor intensive!
Get real!
235
00:18:28,462 --> 00:18:32,664
The whole idea of killing a large number of people
at one time, in one place, is convenience!
236
00:18:32,784 --> 00:18:36,201
Efficiency! Throw 'em in
the fucking hole!
237
00:18:36,321 --> 00:18:40,951
Look at it this way! At least the dictator had
the decency to throw a little dirt on them!
238
00:18:41,071 --> 00:18:45,614
Give the guy some credit! Dictator's a busy man!
Got a lot in his mind!
239
00:18:45,734 --> 00:18:48,741
Like trying to figure out
who's planning to kill him!
240
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:51,987
So he can pick them up, put them in prison,
and torture them!
241
00:18:52,107 --> 00:18:56,002
Here's another of our interesting heart-warming
behaviours we came up with...
242
00:18:56,122 --> 00:18:58,854
...somewhere along the way!
Torturing each other!
243
00:18:58,974 --> 00:19:02,442
You wanna hear a really cool torture
that the romans invented?
244
00:19:02,562 --> 00:19:07,191
They also used it as a form of capital punishment!
It's really creative!
245
00:19:07,311 --> 00:19:12,829
They would take the guy in question, stuff him
in a burlap sack, seal the sack up real tight
and throw him in the river, but...!
246
00:19:12,949 --> 00:19:17,784
...and here's the creative part!
Inside the sack, with the guy...!
247
00:19:17,904 --> 00:19:22,601
...they would put a dog, a monkey
and a snake! OK?
248
00:19:22,875 --> 00:19:27,009
A dog, a monkey and a snake!
That's fucking creative!
249
00:19:27,129 --> 00:19:32,065
Imagine being inside a burlap sack in the water,
in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey...!
250
00:19:33,107 --> 00:19:35,875
...think he'd be moving around
a little bit?
251
00:19:36,148 --> 00:19:38,779
The dog, he'll be going apeshit!
We know that!
252
00:19:38,899 --> 00:19:42,845
And the snake? Well, he'd probably be getting
curious about what all the activity was
inside the sack!
253
00:19:42,965 --> 00:19:48,141
He might do anything! Whatever he did,
it would probably involve venom ant its teeth!
254
00:19:48,756 --> 00:19:53,916
You know what you'd be doing? You'd be praying
to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog
ate the snake!
255
00:19:59,315 --> 00:20:03,381
Then it would be just you and the dog!
Man and his best friend!
256
00:20:03,688 --> 00:20:08,335
Drowning together! Maybe before you died
you could teach him a few tricks!
257
00:20:08,455 --> 00:20:11,906
Roll over and play dead wouldn't be too
difficult, would it?
258
00:20:12,179 --> 00:20:15,169
Just a thought!
Just a playful thought!
259
00:20:15,289 --> 00:20:19,559
By the way, I assume you've noticed that
all these activities I'm mentioning, murder...
260
00:20:19,679 --> 00:20:22,669
...torture, genocide...
These are all things human beings do!
261
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:28,546
Not animals! Those creatures we feel superior to!
This is us!
262
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:32,424
Here's another one of our spiritually
uplifting activities!
263
00:20:32,544 --> 00:20:35,772
We don't do this one much anymore!
But it used to be really big!
264
00:20:35,892 --> 00:20:38,420
Human sacrifice!
265
00:20:38,540 --> 00:20:41,342
I miss that!
266
00:20:41,462 --> 00:20:45,715
The Aztecs loved human sacrifice!
And they were good at it!
267
00:20:45,835 --> 00:20:49,952
Well, they got a lot of practice!
For instance, around the year 1500...
268
00:20:50,072 --> 00:20:55,300
...the aztecs sacrificed 18,000 people
in one ceremony! OK?
269
00:20:55,577 --> 00:21:00,976
18,000 people in one ceremony! Do you know what
the occasion was? They were opening a new temple!
270
00:21:01,540 --> 00:21:04,888
Nothing like religion for
a little entertainment, huh?
271
00:21:05,008 --> 00:21:07,894
Specially that old-time religion!
272
00:21:08,014 --> 00:21:11,072
Do you know how the aztecs went about
their sacrificing? Here's how they did it...
273
00:21:11,192 --> 00:21:14,830
They would do that right out in public,
right in front of everybody,
big town, beautiful city square...
274
00:21:14,950 --> 00:21:17,769
twenty, thirty thousand people
looking on! They would take the guy...!
275
00:21:17,889 --> 00:21:24,346
...lay him on an altar, cut his chest open,
pull his heart out and hold it up in the air
while it was still beating! Got that?
276
00:21:24,466 --> 00:21:27,747
Cut his chest open, pull his heart out
and hold it up in the air
while it was still beating!
277
00:21:27,867 --> 00:21:32,222
Do you know what you call that?
Theatre! That's fucking theatre!
278
00:21:32,342 --> 00:21:37,758
And although the procedure may have been
a little too crude to be considered
the first bypass surgery...!
279
00:21:37,878 --> 00:21:42,114
...it could easily be seen as an early form
of organ donor programme!
280
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:45,018
The aztecs! Human beings!
Just like us...
281
00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:48,760
Not too long ago! 500 years!
Columbus had already landed!
282
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,682
That was just south of here!
Mexico!
283
00:21:51,802 --> 00:21:56,500
By the way, those hearts didn't go to waste!
Because right after the ceremonies...
284
00:21:56,620 --> 00:22:01,266
The royal family, naturally, would enjoy
another one of our amusing activities...
285
00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:06,203
Cannibalism! Imagine that!
Chowing down on another human being!
286
00:22:06,323 --> 00:22:11,619
You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man!
You gotta be really fucking hungry!
287
00:22:11,739 --> 00:22:14,438
But it happens, doesn't it?
Still happens to this day!
288
00:22:14,558 --> 00:22:17,222
A bunch of people?
Stranded in the wilderness?
289
00:22:17,342 --> 00:22:20,263
Run out of pop-tarts?
Gotta eat something!
290
00:22:20,383 --> 00:22:23,407
Might as well be Steve!
291
00:22:23,681 --> 00:22:27,251
And how do you decide who to eat first?
How do you decide who's first on the
barbecue rack?
292
00:22:27,371 --> 00:22:29,882
Do you pick on the little guy,
'cause he's skinny and he can't fight back?
293
00:22:30,002 --> 00:22:34,033
...or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder
'cause he's got a lot of steaks and chops on?
294
00:22:34,153 --> 00:22:37,826
These are things human beings
have to consider!
295
00:22:37,946 --> 00:22:41,584
One more of these charming
diversions of ours!
296
00:22:42,029 --> 00:22:47,410
Necrophilia! Huh?
Now there's a hobby for you!
297
00:22:47,752 --> 00:22:50,314
Fucking a corpse!
298
00:22:50,434 --> 00:22:54,398
Takes a special kind of guy!
Don't you think?
299
00:22:54,911 --> 00:22:58,874
But it happens, it happens...
More than you might think!
300
00:22:59,165 --> 00:23:02,616
It happens among humans!
Animals don't do that!
301
00:23:02,941 --> 00:23:05,965
Animals don't fuck their dead!
302
00:23:06,085 --> 00:23:09,091
A rat would do a lot
of gross things!
303
00:23:09,211 --> 00:23:12,320
But it would not fuck
a dead rat!
304
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,600
It wouldn't even
occur to him!
305
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,573
Only a human being
would think...!
306
00:23:18,693 --> 00:23:21,442
..to fuck someone who
just died!
307
00:23:21,562 --> 00:23:24,705
We gotta be the most interesting
creatures on the planet...!
308
00:23:24,979 --> 00:23:29,865
...and then we wonder why a UFO
doesn't just land and say hello!
309
00:23:40,013 --> 00:23:42,285
Do you know the best thing
about necrophilia?
310
00:23:42,405 --> 00:23:44,865
You don't have to bring flowers!
311
00:23:44,985 --> 00:23:48,111
Yeah! Usually they're already there!
312
00:23:48,231 --> 00:23:52,741
Isn't that nice? It's nice!
It's convenient!
313
00:23:53,049 --> 00:23:55,868
Human beings would do anything!
314
00:23:55,988 --> 00:24:01,932
Anything! I am convinced! That's why
when all those beheadings started
in Iraq, didn't bother me!
315
00:24:02,325 --> 00:24:07,023
I took it right in stride! A lot of people
here were horrified! "Oh, beheadings!
Beheadings!"
316
00:24:07,331 --> 00:24:12,969
What are you, fucking surprised? It's just one
more form of extreme human behaviour!
317
00:24:13,089 --> 00:24:18,726
Besides, who cares about some mercenary
civilian contractor from Oklahoma
who gets its head cut off?
318
00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:23,475
Fuck him! Fuck him!
Hey Jack! You don't wanna get your head cut off?
319
00:24:23,595 --> 00:24:29,369
Stay the fuck in Oklahoma!
320
00:24:34,196 --> 00:24:38,416
They don't cut no heads in Oklahoma!
As far as I know!
321
00:24:38,945 --> 00:24:45,266
But I do know this! You strap on a gun and go
struttin' around some other man's country,
you'd better be ready for some action, Jack!
322
00:24:45,577 --> 00:24:49,732
You'd better be ready for some action!
People are touchy about that sort of thing!
323
00:24:50,005 --> 00:24:53,504
Let me ask you this, while I have you
good, clean Americans here...!
324
00:24:53,624 --> 00:24:57,454
This is a moral question...
Not rhetorical, I'm looking for the answer!
325
00:24:57,574 --> 00:25:04,411
What is the moral difference between cutting off
one guy's head, or two, or three, or five, or ten?
326
00:25:04,531 --> 00:25:07,992
...and dropping a big bomb on a hospital
and killing a whole bunch of sick kids?
327
00:25:08,112 --> 00:25:12,105
Has anybody in authority given you an explanation
of the difference? I have not got an e-mail on this...
328
00:25:12,225 --> 00:25:16,083
...no one would talk! We haven't got a postcard,
not a fucking instant message or nothing!
329
00:25:16,943 --> 00:25:21,795
Now, in case you're wondering why I have a certain
interest and fascination, let's call it...
330
00:25:21,915 --> 00:25:26,182
...with torture and beheadings, and all
of these things I've mentioned...
331
00:25:26,469 --> 00:25:33,618
...is becasue each of these items, reminds me
in life... every time I... one of them occurs,
reminds me over and over again...
332
00:25:33,891 --> 00:25:37,678
...what beasts we human beings really are,
you know...
333
00:25:37,798 --> 00:25:41,847
...when you get right down to it,
when you get right down to it...!
334
00:25:41,967 --> 00:25:46,193
...human beings are nothing more than
ordinary jungle beasts! Savages!
335
00:25:46,313 --> 00:25:52,723
No different from the Cromagnon people who lived
25,000 years ago, in a place that seemed far as it can
(unintelligible)
336
00:25:52,843 --> 00:25:56,894
No different! Our DNA hasn't changed substantially
in a hundred thousand years!
337
00:25:57,209 --> 00:26:02,539
We're still operating out of the lower brain!
The reptilian brain! Fight or flight!
Kill or be killed!
338
00:26:02,659 --> 00:26:05,859
Now, we like to think we've evolved
and advanced...
339
00:26:05,979 --> 00:26:09,632
...because we can build a computer,
fly an airplane, travel underwater...
340
00:26:09,752 --> 00:26:13,787
...we can write a sonnet, paint a painting,
compose an opera... But you know something?
341
00:26:13,907 --> 00:26:18,598
We're barely out of the jungle on this planet!
Barely out of the fucking jungle! What we are...
342
00:26:18,718 --> 00:26:21,126
...is semi-civilized beasts...
343
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:24,680
...with baseball caps and
automatic weapons!
344
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:28,479
And this civilization of ours,
that we're so proud of...!
345
00:26:28,599 --> 00:26:32,059
This civilization, with its
so-called civilized behaviour...
346
00:26:32,179 --> 00:26:35,176
Do you ever stop to realize how fragile
all this is...?
347
00:26:35,296 --> 00:26:38,976
How fragile the whole struc...
How easily could just break right down?
Just break right down!
348
00:26:39,096 --> 00:26:42,379
Wouldn't take much!
Probably happen in less than two years!
349
00:26:42,499 --> 00:26:46,520
Wouldn't take much to throw us right
back into barbaric times!
350
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,473
All you have to do, would be
eliminate electricity!
351
00:26:49,593 --> 00:26:53,915
That's all! But completely!
Eliminate electricity! So...
352
00:26:54,160 --> 00:27:00,735
No electricity, no lights! You're back to candles,
and lanterns, campfires and bonfires...
Batteries couldn't be recharged...
353
00:27:00,855 --> 00:27:04,562
Gerenators couldn't be refuelled,
because fuel is pumped electrically...
354
00:27:04,682 --> 00:27:10,371
So is water, by the way! So no lights, no fuel,
no water... No computers! And computers
run everything!
355
00:27:10,603 --> 00:27:14,307
And among the many things computers run,
and they operate on electricity...
356
00:27:14,427 --> 00:27:19,623
...are all of the security systems in all
of our jails and prisons...!
357
00:27:19,743 --> 00:27:23,136
...and nuthouses! So, suddenly...
358
00:27:23,256 --> 00:27:27,209
...without electricity, all across america,
the gates and cell doors...
359
00:27:27,329 --> 00:27:31,733
...of penitentiaries and mental institutions
would fly open...!
360
00:27:31,965 --> 00:27:36,079
...and out would come all of our
old friends!
361
00:27:36,420 --> 00:27:40,384
...the ones who've been away...
...at camp!
362
00:27:40,876 --> 00:27:46,589
Serial killers, mass murderers, felony rapists,
armed robbers, carjackers, home invaders...
363
00:27:46,709 --> 00:27:51,317
Thieves, burglars, kidnappers, sadists,
paedophiles, sexual predators, pimps...
364
00:27:51,437 --> 00:27:54,980
Pushers, pornographers, speed freaks,
crackheads, sick junkies...
365
00:27:55,100 --> 00:27:59,722
All the ethnic street gangs! Black, Spanish
and Asian gangs, Japanese yakuza...
366
00:27:59,842 --> 00:28:03,399
Russian mafia, and neo-nazis, white
supremacists, Sicilian hitmen...
367
00:28:03,519 --> 00:28:07,130
Italian mobster, Jamaican
and Colombian drug gangs...
368
00:28:07,527 --> 00:28:10,739
And those are just the ones
we caught...!
369
00:28:11,189 --> 00:28:15,084
Let's not forget their counterparts!
Still on the outside! Right now!
370
00:28:15,204 --> 00:28:19,909
Waiting to hook up with their prison buddies!
So they can start a new organization!
371
00:28:20,029 --> 00:28:24,624
The American Federation of Sociopaths!
Just what the country needs!
372
00:28:24,744 --> 00:28:27,563
Another special interest group!
373
00:28:27,683 --> 00:28:33,549
Eight to ten million of them may be! Counting all
the parolees, and all the probationers, and the
ones that have never been caught...
374
00:28:33,669 --> 00:28:39,686
Eight to ten million! Bitter, angry, violent,
sexually hyperactive alpha-males...
375
00:28:39,806 --> 00:28:45,358
...with nothing to do! No hobbies!
No medications!
376
00:28:45,905 --> 00:28:51,043
No scruples! Just a bunch of bad guys
looking for a good time!
377
00:28:51,495 --> 00:28:56,675
Maybe dropping by your house!
"Hi! Hope we're not intruding!"
378
00:28:57,385 --> 00:29:03,098
"Got any beer? Oh, good! Well, I've got about
fourteen hundred really thirsty guys here...!"
379
00:29:03,631 --> 00:29:09,467
"How about women? Got any women?
Oh, just your wife, huh?"
380
00:29:10,847 --> 00:29:14,236
"Well, I think we could make that work!"
381
00:29:14,496 --> 00:29:19,198
"Now boys! There's a lady here...
So I want you to mind your manners..."
382
00:29:19,731 --> 00:29:21,863
"And wait your turn..."
383
00:29:21,983 --> 00:29:26,195
Police wouldn't help you! They'd be gone at the
first sign of trouble! They'd be home protecting
their own families...!
384
00:29:26,315 --> 00:29:30,842
So would the Army and the National Guard!
You'd be alone! You'd be on your own!
You'd be S.O.L. and J.W.F.!
385
00:29:30,962 --> 00:29:34,518
"Shit out of luck and
jolly-well fucked!"
386
00:29:34,638 --> 00:29:36,855
"Shit out of luck and
jolly-well fucked!"
387
00:29:36,975 --> 00:29:39,329
After a couple of years
of living like that...
388
00:29:39,449 --> 00:29:41,885
...beheadings will be the least
of your problems!
389
00:29:42,005 --> 00:29:45,288
People will be lining up
to be beheaded...!
390
00:29:45,521 --> 00:29:49,881
So let's get back to suicide! Which now seems
like a reasonable alternative...!
391
00:29:53,735 --> 00:29:57,192
Suicide is an interesting topic to me...!
392
00:29:57,312 --> 00:30:00,240
...because it's an inherently
interesting decision!
393
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:04,190
To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore!
It's profound!
394
00:30:04,310 --> 00:30:07,812
You know what it is?
It's the Ultimate Makeover!
395
00:30:08,112 --> 00:30:10,723
That's why I think it belongs on television!
396
00:30:10,843 --> 00:30:14,016
In this depraved culture we live in...?
397
00:30:14,136 --> 00:30:18,718
...with all these reality shows?
Suicide and television would be a natural!
398
00:30:18,838 --> 00:30:22,586
I'll bet you can have an All-Suicide channel
on cable TV!
399
00:30:22,706 --> 00:30:26,686
I bet you! Shit! They've got all golf!
What the fuck! Huh?
400
00:30:27,232 --> 00:30:29,610
Goddam! Jesus!
401
00:30:29,938 --> 00:30:34,736
Do you ever watch golf? Do you ever watch golf?
It's like watching flies fuck!
402
00:30:35,159 --> 00:30:39,410
If you can get a bunch of brainless assholes
and insist them to waste a sunny afternoon,
on that kind of shit...
403
00:30:39,530 --> 00:30:42,150
...you know you can get some people
to watch them suicides...!
404
00:30:42,270 --> 00:30:47,234
All day long! 24 hours a day! Nothing but
suicides! Must-die TV!
405
00:30:47,589 --> 00:30:51,703
You can get a lot of people watching that shit!
You can get a lot of people volunteering
to be on it, too!
406
00:30:51,823 --> 00:30:55,940
Just so their friends can see them on TV!
People are fucking goofy!
407
00:30:56,390 --> 00:31:00,326
You can get a lot of volunteers! You can get
all of them leftovers assholes on "Let's Make
a Deal!"
408
00:31:00,722 --> 00:31:07,323
They'll be lining up around the block! Pushing
each other out the way! Putting on them funny
capes and caps and headpats and make them
up call themselves "Captain Suicide!"
409
00:31:07,583 --> 00:31:13,829
Guys will be competing for most unusual methods!
People will be jumping off them silos,
lighting themselves on fire,
putting rat poison on their taco...
410
00:31:13,949 --> 00:31:17,423
Drinking "Mop-and-Glo",
sticking mothballs up their ass...
411
00:31:17,735 --> 00:31:23,268
You'd probably have some weird fuck show figure
how to kill himself with dental floss and a
Stinger missile!
412
00:31:23,879 --> 00:31:26,077
People are fucking goofy!
413
00:31:26,197 --> 00:31:30,790
I bet you could find you a married couple!
In this country? Shit!
414
00:31:30,910 --> 00:31:35,328
I bet you! You can find a married couple!
In one of them trailer parks or something...
415
00:31:35,864 --> 00:31:38,543
...who'd be perfectly willing
to sit in a love seat...
416
00:31:38,663 --> 00:31:41,342
...and blow each other's head off
with shotguns!
417
00:31:41,462 --> 00:31:44,610
...while a love song is playing!
People are fucking nuts!
418
00:31:44,730 --> 00:31:48,131
This country is full of nitwits and assholes!
Did you ever notice that?
419
00:31:48,393 --> 00:31:51,553
Oh my goodness, yes!
Oh my goodness, right!
420
00:31:56,124 --> 00:32:00,585
Nitwits, assholes, fuck-ups, scumbags,
jerk-offs and dipshits!
421
00:32:00,705 --> 00:32:03,471
...and they all vote!
422
00:32:04,260 --> 00:32:09,399
They all vote, yeah! In fact, sometimes
you get the impression they're the only
ones who vote!
423
00:32:09,792 --> 00:32:13,346
You can usually tell us they've doing the voting
by looking at the fucking election returns!
424
00:32:13,608 --> 00:32:17,795
Man, sure it ain't me out there wasting my time
in a meaningless activity like that!
425
00:32:17,915 --> 00:32:21,960
You know those people on the Jerry Springer Show?
Those are the average Americans!
426
00:32:22,316 --> 00:32:25,241
Oh yeah? Believe me!
Below average can't get on the show!
427
00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:29,655
Can't get on! Below average just sit at home
watching that shit on TV!
428
00:32:30,147 --> 00:32:32,772
Getting ready to go out and vote!
429
00:32:33,032 --> 00:32:35,218
Filling out the sample ballot!
430
00:32:35,338 --> 00:32:38,239
People are fucking dumb!
431
00:32:38,485 --> 00:32:44,211
You can say what you want about this country!
And I love this place! I love the freedoms we
used to have...
432
00:32:44,443 --> 00:32:47,040
I love it! I love that!
You know?
433
00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:57,031
I loved it when it didn't take a fucking
catastrophe to get us to care for one another...
434
00:32:57,151 --> 00:33:00,735
I love the fact that we're on camera
all the time from all angles...
435
00:33:00,855 --> 00:33:03,768
But you know? You can say what you want
about America! I say, I love this place...
436
00:33:03,888 --> 00:33:07,636
I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't
have any other time in history, or any other
place, but...
437
00:33:07,756 --> 00:33:10,657
...Say what you want about America!
Land of the free, home of the brave...
438
00:33:10,777 --> 00:33:14,114
We've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers
floatin' around in this country!
439
00:33:14,234 --> 00:33:17,531
Dumb-ass motherfuckers!
You know? Yeah!
440
00:33:19,142 --> 00:33:22,983
Now, obviously, that doesn't include this
audience! I understand that!
441
00:33:23,103 --> 00:33:28,190
You seem intelligent and perceptive, but the
rest of them... Holy jump and fucking shitballs!
442
00:33:29,529 --> 00:33:32,905
Dumber than a second coat of paint!
443
00:33:33,574 --> 00:33:38,740
And this ain't just rant and raving! This ain't
just blowin' off steam! I've got a little evidence
to support my claim!
444
00:33:38,860 --> 00:33:42,226
It just seems to me, seems to me...
445
00:33:42,458 --> 00:33:47,502
...that only a really low IQ population
could have taken this beautiful continent...
446
00:33:47,980 --> 00:33:51,930
...this magnificent American landscape,
that we inherited...
447
00:33:52,504 --> 00:33:55,935
Well, actually, we stole it from the Mexicans
and Indians, but...
448
00:33:56,263 --> 00:33:58,888
Hey, it was nice when we stole it!
449
00:33:59,008 --> 00:34:01,935
Looked pretty good, it was pristine...!
450
00:34:02,055 --> 00:34:05,202
Paradise! Have you seen it lately?
451
00:34:05,322 --> 00:34:09,083
Have you taken a good look at it lately?
It's fucking embarrassing!
452
00:34:09,203 --> 00:34:12,486
Only a nation of unenlightened
half-wits...
453
00:34:12,606 --> 00:34:16,490
...could have taken this beautiful place,
and turned it into what it is today...
454
00:34:16,610 --> 00:34:21,656
A shopping mall! A big fucking
shopping mall!
455
00:34:22,422 --> 00:34:24,554
You know that?
456
00:34:24,841 --> 00:34:30,294
That's all you've got here, folks!
Mile after mile of mall after mall!
457
00:34:30,414 --> 00:34:33,028
Many, many malls!
Major malls and mini-malls!
458
00:34:33,148 --> 00:34:37,497
They put the mini-malls in between
the major malls! And in between the
mini-malls they put the mini-marts!
459
00:34:37,617 --> 00:34:42,581
And in between the mini-marts you've got the
car lots, gas stations, muffle shops, laundromats,
cheap hotels...
460
00:34:42,701 --> 00:34:45,451
...fast food joints, strip clubs
and dirty bookstores...!
461
00:34:45,571 --> 00:34:49,702
America, the beautiful! One big transcontinental
commercial cesspool!
462
00:34:49,822 --> 00:34:54,663
And how do the people feel about all this? How do
the people feel about living in a coast to coast
shopping mall?
463
00:34:54,783 --> 00:34:58,804
Well, they think it's
JUST FUCKING DANDY!
464
00:34:59,201 --> 00:35:03,097
They think it is cool as can be!
'Cause Americans love the mall!
465
00:35:03,217 --> 00:35:07,867
They love the mall! That's where they get to
satisfy their two most prominent addictions!
466
00:35:08,099 --> 00:35:11,803
At the same time!
Shopping and eating!
467
00:35:12,034 --> 00:35:16,708
Millions of semi-conscious americans,
day after day, shuffling through the malls!
468
00:35:16,828 --> 00:35:20,945
Shopping, and eating! Especially eating!
Americans love to eat!
469
00:35:21,065 --> 00:35:24,908
They are fatally attracted to the slow death
of fast food!
470
00:35:25,028 --> 00:35:29,214
Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers,
deep-fried butter dip and pork fat, cheese whiz...
471
00:35:29,334 --> 00:35:34,613
mayonnaise, soup, barbecue, mozzarella,
paddy malts... Americans will eat anything!
Anything!
472
00:35:34,733 --> 00:35:39,286
If you were selling saut�d racoon
assholes on a stick...!
473
00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,961
Americans would buy them and eat them!
474
00:35:43,081 --> 00:35:46,624
...especially if you dip them in butter
and put a little sauce on them!
475
00:35:47,171 --> 00:35:49,974
This country is big time, pig time!
476
00:35:50,094 --> 00:35:53,377
Forget the bald eagle! You know what the national
emblem of this country ought to be?
477
00:35:53,497 --> 00:35:56,370
A big bowl of macaroni and cheese!
478
00:35:56,490 --> 00:35:59,542
A big bowl! 'Cause everything in this
country is king-size!
479
00:35:59,662 --> 00:36:04,735
King-size, extra-large and super-jumbo!
Especially the fucking people!
480
00:36:05,418 --> 00:36:12,594
Have you seen some of the people in this country?
Have you taken a good look at some of these
big, fat motherfuckers walking around?
481
00:36:12,714 --> 00:36:16,148
Big, fat motherfuckers?
482
00:36:16,557 --> 00:36:21,286
Oh, my god! Huge piles of
redundant protoplasm!
483
00:36:21,614 --> 00:36:25,769
Lumbering through the malls, like a fleet
of interstate buzzards!
484
00:36:25,889 --> 00:36:32,889
The people in this country are immense!
Massive bellies! Monstruous thighs and
big fat fucking asses!
485
00:36:33,463 --> 00:36:38,780
And if you stand there for a minute, you look
at one of them and you begin to wonder...
486
00:36:39,450 --> 00:36:42,976
"How does this woman take a shit?"
487
00:36:43,974 --> 00:36:45,915
"How does she shit?"
488
00:36:46,035 --> 00:36:49,701
And even more frightening,
"How does she wipe her ass?"
489
00:36:50,397 --> 00:36:53,308
"Can she even locate her asshole?"
490
00:36:53,623 --> 00:36:56,452
She must require assistance!
491
00:36:56,711 --> 00:36:59,718
"Are paramedics trained in this field?"
492
00:36:59,991 --> 00:37:04,200
And standing right next to her, of course,
with a plate full of nachos and a mouthful
of pie...
493
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:07,070
...her clueless fucking husband
Joe Sixpack!
494
00:37:07,190 --> 00:37:10,405
...with his monstruous swollen beer belly
hangly dangerously over his belt...
495
00:37:10,525 --> 00:37:14,793
Beer, belt, buckle! This guy ain't seen his dick
since the Nixon administration!
496
00:37:16,310 --> 00:37:21,079
And if you stand there, and you look at the two
of them, you begin to wonder to yourself...
497
00:37:21,435 --> 00:37:24,087
"Do these people fuck?"
498
00:37:24,207 --> 00:37:27,640
"Is this man actually capable
of fucking this woman?"
499
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:31,003
It doesn't seem structurally possible...!
500
00:37:31,123 --> 00:37:34,433
...that these two people can
achieve penetration!
501
00:37:34,706 --> 00:37:38,273
Maybe they're into that
soul-to-soul lay or something!
502
00:37:39,298 --> 00:37:41,840
I'm telling you! The people in this country...
503
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:46,952
...are every half... everyone of them is
50 pounds overweight! They're gargantuan!
504
00:37:47,072 --> 00:37:50,231
And in the summertime!
God help us!
505
00:37:50,505 --> 00:37:54,058
In the summertime they all wanna
wear short pants!
506
00:37:54,178 --> 00:37:57,215
Jesus Lord, protector of all that is
good and Holy!
507
00:37:57,335 --> 00:38:00,769
Deliver me from fat people
in short pants!
508
00:38:00,889 --> 00:38:06,358
They all got short pants, big bellies,
fat thighs and dumb kids!
509
00:38:06,478 --> 00:38:08,559
Everyone of them has got
two dumb-ass kids with them!
510
00:38:08,679 --> 00:38:14,450
And the whole family is wearing T-shirts!
And everyone of them's got the same T-shirt!
"I'm with stupid!"
511
00:38:14,570 --> 00:38:18,495
Apparently, in this country, the Stupids
are an extended family!
512
00:38:18,615 --> 00:38:21,803
And besides of wearing them T-shirts,
everyone in the family has got on a backpack!
513
00:38:21,923 --> 00:38:26,983
They've got a backpack, strapped to their back,
so they can carry around lots of stupid shit!
514
00:38:27,229 --> 00:38:33,940
And the reason they've got to carry this stupid
shit strapped to their backs is because their
hands must remain free at all times to hold food!
515
00:38:34,172 --> 00:38:36,782
...and to get that food up to the mouth
where they can shovel in...!
516
00:38:36,902 --> 00:38:40,322
...with all the rest of the disgusting
shit they ate that day!
517
00:38:41,060 --> 00:38:42,919
And...
518
00:38:43,424 --> 00:38:47,743
Another reason for the backpack is these people
are gonna buy even more stupid shit!
519
00:38:48,004 --> 00:38:52,596
They ain't got enough stupid shit at home!
They just had a stupid shit sale, they're gonna
buy more!
520
00:38:52,716 --> 00:38:58,513
They are gonna go out the parking lot
and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly,
oversized S.U.V....!
521
00:38:58,633 --> 00:39:05,661
They've got plenty of room in it for the stupid
shit and lots of room left over for these big,
fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home!
522
00:39:05,781 --> 00:39:09,487
Stopping, of course, for jelly roll
and fried dough!
523
00:39:09,607 --> 00:39:14,325
These people are efficient, professional
compulsive consumers!
524
00:39:14,445 --> 00:39:19,532
That's it! And they think of that
as their national pride! It's their civic duty!
525
00:39:19,652 --> 00:39:24,384
Consumption! It's the new national pastime!
Fuck baseball! It's consumption!
526
00:39:24,504 --> 00:39:28,170
The only true lasting American
value that's left...!
527
00:39:28,290 --> 00:39:33,405
Buying things! People spend the money they don't
have on things they don't need!
528
00:39:33,525 --> 00:39:35,687
Money they don't have on things they don't need!
529
00:39:35,807 --> 00:39:41,755
So they can max up their credit cards
and spend the rest of their lives paying
18% interest on something that cost $12.50!
530
00:39:42,028 --> 00:39:44,393
And they didn't like it when they
got at home, anyway!
531
00:39:44,513 --> 00:39:47,140
Not too bright, folks!
Not too fucking bright!
532
00:39:47,260 --> 00:39:54,452
But if you talk to one of them about this,
the guys will be sitting down, rationally,
you talk to them about low IQs, and their
dumb behavior, and their bad decisions...
533
00:39:54,572 --> 00:39:58,498
...right away they start talking about education!
That's the big answer to everything! Education!
534
00:39:58,618 --> 00:40:03,241
That's why we need more money for education!
We need more books, more teachers, more
classrooms, more schools!
535
00:40:03,361 --> 00:40:05,291
We need more testing for the kids!
536
00:40:05,411 --> 00:40:09,705
They say: "Well, you know, we tried all of that
and the kids still can't pass the tests!"
537
00:40:09,825 --> 00:40:13,327
They say: "Oh, don't you worry about that!
We're gonna lower the passing grades!"
538
00:40:13,447 --> 00:40:17,003
That's what they're doing at a lot of these
schools! Now they're lowering the passing
grades so more kids can pass!
539
00:40:17,123 --> 00:40:21,582
More kids pass, the school looks good,
everybody's happy, the IQ of the country
steps another two or three points...
540
00:40:21,702 --> 00:40:26,242
...and pretty soon all you need to get
into College is a fucking pencil!
541
00:40:26,707 --> 00:40:29,618
Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there!
It's Physics!
542
00:40:29,738 --> 00:40:33,841
Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries
graduate more scientists than we do...
543
00:40:33,961 --> 00:40:37,586
"Education!" Politicians know that word!
They use it on you!
544
00:40:37,706 --> 00:40:40,852
Politicians have traditionally hidden
behind three things:
545
00:40:40,972 --> 00:40:46,500
The flag, the Bible and children!
"No child left behind!"
546
00:40:46,620 --> 00:40:50,051
Oh, really? Well, it wasn't long ago they were
talking about giving kids a head start!
547
00:40:50,171 --> 00:40:54,943
Head start? Left behind?
Someone's losing fucking ground here!
548
00:40:55,476 --> 00:40:58,401
But there's a reason, there's a reason,
there's a reason for this...
549
00:40:58,521 --> 00:41:04,428
There's a reason education sucks, and
it's the same reason that will never,
ever, ever, be fixed...
550
00:41:04,548 --> 00:41:08,624
It's never gonna get any better!
Don't look for it! Be happy with what you've got!
551
00:41:08,744 --> 00:41:12,123
Because the owners of this country
don't want that!
552
00:41:12,355 --> 00:41:17,152
I'm talking about the real owners now,
the big... the wealthy...
553
00:41:18,260 --> 00:41:24,109
The real owners! The big, wealthy business
interests that control things and make all
the important decisions!
554
00:41:24,229 --> 00:41:27,294
Forget the politicians!
They're irrelevant!
555
00:41:27,414 --> 00:41:32,241
The politicians are put there to give you the idea
that you have freedom of choice! You don't!
556
00:41:32,474 --> 00:41:36,547
You have no choice! You have owners!
They own you!
557
00:41:36,667 --> 00:41:40,018
They own everything!
They own all the important land...
558
00:41:40,138 --> 00:41:45,604
They own and control the corporations, they've
long since bought and paid for the Senate,
the Congress, the State Houses, the City Halls...
559
00:41:45,724 --> 00:41:51,737
They've got the judges in their back pockets,
and they all own all the big media companies,
so they control...
560
00:41:51,857 --> 00:41:56,350
...just about all the news and information you
get to hear! They got you by the balls!
561
00:41:56,470 --> 00:42:03,407
They spend billions of dollars every year
lobbying, lobbying to get what they want!
562
00:42:03,527 --> 00:42:09,625
Well, we know what they want! They want more
for themselves, and less for everyboy else!
But I'll tell you what they don't want!
563
00:42:09,745 --> 00:42:14,494
They don't want a population of citizens
capable of critical thinking!
They don't want well-informed...
564
00:42:14,614 --> 00:42:19,671
...well-educated people capable of critical
thinking! They're not interested in that!
That doesn't help them!
565
00:42:19,791 --> 00:42:24,164
That's against their interest!
That's right! You know something?
566
00:42:24,472 --> 00:42:31,169
They don't want people who are smart enough
to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how
badly they're getting fucked by a system that
threw it overboard thirty fucking years ago...
567
00:42:31,289 --> 00:42:37,301
They don't want that! You know what they want?
They want obedient workers! Obedient workers!
568
00:42:37,421 --> 00:42:43,059
People who are just smart enough to run
the machines and do the paperwork,
and just dumb enough to passively accept...
569
00:42:43,179 --> 00:42:49,038
...all these increasingly shittier jobs, with the
lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced
benefits, the end of overtime...
570
00:42:49,158 --> 00:42:55,325
...and the vanishing pension that disappears
the minute you go to collect it, and now
they're coming for your social security money!
571
00:42:55,445 --> 00:42:58,930
They want your fucking retirement money!
They want it back!
572
00:42:59,050 --> 00:43:05,268
So they can give it to their criminal friends on
Wall Street! And you know something?
They'll get it! They'll get it all from you
sooner or later!
573
00:43:05,388 --> 00:43:11,247
'Cause they own this fucking place!
It's a big club! And you ain't in it!
574
00:43:11,554 --> 00:43:14,664
You and I are not in the big club!
575
00:43:14,784 --> 00:43:19,447
By the way, it's the same big club that used
to beat you over the head with all day long and
they tell you what to believe...
576
00:43:19,567 --> 00:43:24,290
All day long, beating you over the head in the
media, what to believe, what to think and what
to buy...
577
00:43:24,410 --> 00:43:27,348
The table is tilted, folks!
The game is rigged!
578
00:43:27,468 --> 00:43:31,257
And nobody seems to notice,
and nobody seems to care!
579
00:43:31,377 --> 00:43:35,712
Good honest, hard-working people!
White collar, blue collar... Doesn't matter
what colour shirt you have on!
580
00:43:35,832 --> 00:43:39,662
Good honest, hard-working people continue...
These are people of modest means...!
581
00:43:39,782 --> 00:43:43,913
...continue to elect these rich cocksuckers
who don't give a fuck about them!
582
00:43:44,145 --> 00:43:48,559
They don't give a fuck about you!
They don't care about you!
583
00:43:48,679 --> 00:43:55,052
At all! At all! At all!
Yeah! You know?
584
00:43:56,253 --> 00:43:59,014
And nobody seems to notice,
nobody seems to care...
585
00:43:59,134 --> 00:44:02,581
That's what the owners count on!
The fact that Americans will probably remain...
586
00:44:02,701 --> 00:44:08,321
...wilfully ignorant of the big red, white and
blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes
every day...
587
00:44:08,636 --> 00:44:13,283
Because the owners of this country know the truth!
It's called the American dream...
588
00:44:13,403 --> 00:44:16,345
...'cause you have to be asleep to believe it!
589
00:44:17,002 --> 00:44:21,102
But, say what you want about America, folks!
Yeah!
590
00:44:21,525 --> 00:44:28,920
You can say what you want about Americans, you can
call 'em smart, dumb, ignorant, innocent, naive,
gullible. easily-led, whatever you want...
591
00:44:29,275 --> 00:44:36,259
You're gonna have to deal with them, 'cause you're
in the television business now! You've got the
All-Suicide Channel on cable TV!
592
00:44:36,518 --> 00:44:40,673
You need these people as viewers, you need people
looking in! You gotta worry about your ratings!
593
00:44:40,793 --> 00:44:43,215
You're gonna have to be thinking about
sweeps months!
594
00:44:43,335 --> 00:44:47,739
Most folks know what sweeps months are! Those are
the more important sweeps - ratings, months
of the year...
595
00:44:47,859 --> 00:44:53,881
...when they pull out on the biggest attractions
and their highest stars, trying to pump out their
ratings a little bit, get their local stations
to adjust their advertising needs...
596
00:44:54,001 --> 00:45:01,859
You're gonna have to compete with the mentality
of Network television! And I think,
on an All-Suicide Channel...
597
00:45:02,336 --> 00:45:06,587
During sweeps months? You're gonna have
to go mass suicides!
598
00:45:06,846 --> 00:45:11,548
Big, public events where hundreds of people
kill themselves all at the same time,
right on Live TV!
599
00:45:11,668 --> 00:45:16,632
Never resting about the way to do this! I've been
trying to figure this out - I swear to God!
This is the truth! I've been trying to figure
this part of it out...
600
00:45:16,752 --> 00:45:21,052
...for six months now, and I only recently having,
so I'm gonna tell you about it... Now!
601
00:45:21,172 --> 00:45:25,958
We're gonna have to get lots and lots of people
to kill themselves on demand! How are we gonna
do this? That's the question!
602
00:45:26,078 --> 00:45:30,509
How are gonna get large numbers of people
to commit suicide at a time and place
of our choosing?
603
00:45:30,629 --> 00:45:36,386
And I mean large numbers! Because don't forget!
Besides sweeps, we're gonna have to be thinking
about 24-hour a day programming!
604
00:45:36,506 --> 00:45:43,583
So, to make this work, we need organization! We
need a system! Can't just sit around the studio
all day long and wait for people to drop by
and commit suicide!
605
00:45:43,703 --> 00:45:48,254
What we have to do is build a large pool
of hopeless people!
606
00:45:48,374 --> 00:45:55,649
Suicide volunteers! People with no hope! People
whom society has given up on, faith has given
up on, or who have given up on themselves!
607
00:45:55,769 --> 00:46:02,750
Rock-bottom, dead-end, totally fucked-up people
with no hope and no reason to live! And we got
our share of them, folks!
608
00:46:03,204 --> 00:46:08,970
Think of it as a pyramid, that will give you a
visual fix-on! Think of it as a pyramid!
The pyramid of the hopeless!
609
00:46:09,090 --> 00:46:14,576
We're gonna populate, or we're gonna create this
pool, like I said, to send volunteers over to the
suicide channel!
610
00:46:14,696 --> 00:46:21,250
We're gonna start building this pyramid at the
very base, naturally, and the bottom layer is
gonna be... homeless people!
611
00:46:21,370 --> 00:46:28,698
God knows we've got plenty of them! Nobody gives a
fuck about them, nobody's got a plan, nobody's got
any money, nobody's got a programme, nobody gives
a fuck!
612
00:46:28,818 --> 00:46:35,130
...about homeless people! We don't know
how many we have, even! We now 500,000
of them are veterans, 'cause we're so good
to the veterans in this country...
613
00:46:35,250 --> 00:46:39,268
...and we know about 1,400,000 of them
are children!
614
00:46:39,615 --> 00:46:46,555
...so we got a million and a half children, then
God knows how many more we've got!
Totally fucking hopeless! In the pyramid they go!
615
00:46:46,675 --> 00:46:53,042
And the next group we're gonna put in here,
these are the people in prison! With these long
sentences they've been given...
616
00:46:53,162 --> 00:47:01,237
Many of them deserved, I'll grant you that!
I'm sure half the people in prison are in there
for things they really did...
That's not a bad average, one out of two!
617
00:47:01,357 --> 00:47:07,484
But nobody gives a shit about these people,
nobody's gonna hire them if they do get out!
They're never gonna get out, rehabilitation
doesn't work...
618
00:47:07,604 --> 00:47:13,784
And the judges give them these fucking draconian
sentences, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 100 years sentences,
life-term, double life!
619
00:47:13,904 --> 00:47:20,244
One guy, about a month ago, was given three
consecutive life-terms, plus two death penalties!
620
00:47:20,364 --> 00:47:30,895
How the fuck do you serve that?
Even David Copperfield can't do that shit!
In order to do that, you have to be a hindu!
621
00:47:31,536 --> 00:47:36,928
And then you've got the people on death row!
They ain't going anywhere! In the fucking
pyramid they go!
622
00:47:37,048 --> 00:47:44,216
Now the next layer, this group is self-selected!
Self-selected! And a bit controversial to some
of you, I guess!
623
00:47:44,336 --> 00:47:50,249
These are these people who claim to be depressed!
OK? Apparently, in this land of plenty...
624
00:47:50,369 --> 00:47:56,629
..this richest nation in the history of the world,
we're so proud of saying that! Some supermarkets
have 100,000 items in them...
625
00:47:56,749 --> 00:48:06,719
...we have 19,000,000 Americans claiming to be
depressed, and some of them taking medicine
for it! Sometimes the medicine makes them want
to commit suicide, and that depresses the shit
out of the rest of them!
626
00:48:06,839 --> 00:48:13,046
Then you have these people who only think
they are depressed, 'cause they saw the commercial
on TV and the doctor looked like a good guy...
627
00:48:13,166 --> 00:48:18,144
The music sounded kind of peppy, and what
the fuck! Some of these pills are probably
just pick me right up...!
628
00:48:18,264 --> 00:48:23,029
Totally fucking hopeless minds...
In the fucking pyramid!
629
00:48:23,149 --> 00:48:27,168
Up at the very top we are gonna put
the people who are truly sick!
630
00:48:27,541 --> 00:48:33,628
The terminally ill! Unfortunately, no hope for
a lot of them! Hundreds of thosands of them,
there's no cure for what they have...
631
00:48:33,748 --> 00:48:38,406
There's no cure 'cause nobody's looking for one!
There aren't enough people sick, so there ain't
no money in the fucking cure...
632
00:48:38,526 --> 00:48:45,747
Then there's people who've got... There's a cure,
but they don't have the money for it, or there's
a cure but they're too far gone, or there's no
social means to get to it...
633
00:48:45,867 --> 00:48:51,620
...so these people ain't going anywhere, they
should be allowed to commit suicide...
In the fucking pyramid they go!
634
00:48:51,740 --> 00:48:58,721
Now, think of what you got here, folks! Think
of yourselves as the executive vice-president
of programming at the All-Suicide Channel!
635
00:48:58,841 --> 00:49:07,984
Think of what you have to work with in the pyramid
of the hopeless! You've have homeless, imprisoned,
condemned...
636
00:49:08,104 --> 00:49:15,859
...depressed and terminally ill people! And I'm
gonna bet you anything! In this depraved culture
of ours, bet you anything...
637
00:49:15,979 --> 00:49:22,132
...with the reality-show mentality we have,
on the All-Suicide Channel you could
get five hundred...
638
00:49:22,252 --> 00:49:28,379
...of these hopeless people, to hold hands
and jump into the Grand Canyon!
639
00:49:28,499 --> 00:49:37,027
I'll fucking bet you! You can get that done
in this country right this now! I'll bet you!
For money! You gotta give them something,
you know, you've gotta...
640
00:49:37,147 --> 00:49:41,299
Oh, shit! They're Americans!
They're for sale! Give them a little something!
641
00:49:41,419 --> 00:49:44,983
Americans will do anything, but you gotta
give them a toaster, don't you?
642
00:49:45,103 --> 00:49:48,534
Give them a little prize of some kind!
Everybody wants a gizmo! Give'em a gizmo!
643
00:49:48,654 --> 00:49:54,700
Give them a cellphone, give them a laptop!
Give them a cellphone which takes the picture
of a laptop! Give them a laptop which takes
the picture of a cellphone!
644
00:49:55,074 --> 00:50:03,029
Give one of them three-wheeled vehicles, give
them an all-terrain vehicle! Give them one of
them ride-on lawnmowers, give them a snowblower,
give them an outdoor barbecue, or a jetski...
645
00:50:03,149 --> 00:50:08,101
Give them one of them things that they buy
for themselves when they're trying to take
their minds off of how badly they're getting
fucked by the system...!
646
00:50:08,221 --> 00:50:14,080
I know what you do! Just before these people
jump, you give them a hat with a camera in it!
647
00:50:14,588 --> 00:50:19,900
And you tell them it's Jump-Cam!
Tell them you send the video
home to the family!
648
00:50:20,020 --> 00:50:27,401
T-Shirt! Who don't want a T-Shirt!? Everybody does!
Give them a nice T-Shirt! "I commited suicide and
all I got was a stupid fucking T-Shirt!"
649
00:50:28,229 --> 00:50:31,031
Alright? Now!
650
00:50:33,060 --> 00:50:39,841
If you wanna really raise the profile of this
promotion, get some of those Evangelical
Christians to volunteer for it...
651
00:50:39,961 --> 00:50:46,248
And you call it "Jump for Jesus!"
"Jump for Jesus!" They would buy it!
They would go for it!
652
00:50:46,368 --> 00:50:51,293
Hey, you gotta be fair about these Christians!
They've come in for a lot of abuse these days...
653
00:50:51,413 --> 00:50:56,765
You do have to be fair! All a Christian really
wants out of life is to die!
654
00:50:56,885 --> 00:51:03,733
And go see Jesus! Give them a helping hand!
Do the Christian thing!
655
00:51:03,853 --> 00:51:13,557
Tell them it's a shortcut to heaven! Mention
the word "murder!" Works on the Muslims,
works on the Catholics, might work on these
folks, you never know! Hey! I know...
656
00:51:14,011 --> 00:51:20,258
Give them a little encouragement!
Go on, you fanatical fucks!
He's down there! He's down there!
657
00:51:20,658 --> 00:51:26,745
He's down there! He's at the bottom of the Canyon!
Look for the man with the glowing head!
658
00:51:26,865 --> 00:51:34,806
Oh, you're gonna have a lot of fun with a channel
like that! But you know something, folks? Maybe you
don't wanna be on cable! It is a limited audience...
659
00:51:34,926 --> 00:51:41,560
You might wanna widen out, get more people
looking in! You're gonna have to go to one of the
Big Broadcast Networks...
660
00:51:41,680 --> 00:51:47,913
And I don't know about you, but when I think
about suicide and Broadcast Network television,
I'm thinking Fox, Huh?
661
00:51:48,314 --> 00:51:54,908
I'm telling you, Fox! If the people at Fox
aren't sitting around and having meetings
about an idea like this, they ain't doing their
goddam jobs over there...!
662
00:51:55,028 --> 00:52:01,394
You put this thing on television, put it on Fox,
and if you do, get Budweisser to sponsor it!
663
00:52:01,514 --> 00:52:07,694
Or you know? Budweisser and how 'bout your car
company, so people we think about drinking and
driving at the same time...
664
00:52:08,116 --> 00:52:13,938
Ain't that fun to watch the sporting events on
American Television? "Drink this, drive that,
fuck you!" They don't care!
665
00:52:14,444 --> 00:52:18,913
They don't give a shit about you! And then every
now and then they qualify the whole message!
666
00:52:19,033 --> 00:52:21,783
"Drink responsably!"
667
00:52:25,697 --> 00:52:31,273
So you put this thing on Fox - and if you do -
or in any Broadcast Network...
668
00:52:31,393 --> 00:52:34,499
You're gonna have to bring in that
younger audience! Everybody
knows that!
669
00:52:34,731 --> 00:52:40,280
That's what the advertisers are looking for, it's
18 to 24 year olds - You're gonna have to get
young people interested in this!
670
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:44,572
You know how you get young people
interested in suicide? You don't call it
suicide!
671
00:52:44,692 --> 00:52:48,098
You call it "Extreme Living!"
672
00:52:48,412 --> 00:52:53,005
They would go for it! Listen, young people
are attracted to suicide in the first place!
673
00:52:53,125 --> 00:52:57,652
Do you know suicide is the third leading cause
of death between 15 and 24?
674
00:52:57,772 --> 00:53:01,629
It's the third! Ninth in the general population!
675
00:53:01,749 --> 00:53:06,166
That'll give you an idea of how popular this
after-school activity has become...!
676
00:53:06,286 --> 00:53:10,417
...among our teenage folks!
Especially these young boys...
677
00:53:10,537 --> 00:53:16,334
...these adolescent men, and a lot of them,
you know? A lot of them...
678
00:53:16,454 --> 00:53:19,861
They kill themselves when
they're jerking off...!
679
00:53:20,093 --> 00:53:23,660
They don't mean to!
It just happens!
680
00:53:23,780 --> 00:53:27,938
You know about that? Yeah!
Some of you know! I can tell!
681
00:53:28,058 --> 00:53:32,407
A lot of people don't know that! A lot of people
never heard of that, you know? It's just one of
those things Americans can't handle!
682
00:53:32,527 --> 00:53:34,717
"We can't handle that!
We don't talk about that!"
683
00:53:34,837 --> 00:53:39,500
It's not on "Larry King" "Laverne Dane"
and "Barbara Walters!" You ain't gonna see it
in People magazine, but it's out there, folks...
684
00:53:39,620 --> 00:53:42,085
It's out there! And it's
extremely common!
685
00:53:42,205 --> 00:53:45,448
You just ask any teenage boy
you know, who trusts you!
686
00:53:45,568 --> 00:53:48,316
Ask him what he knows or
what he's heard about...
687
00:53:48,436 --> 00:53:52,651
...cutting off your air supply just at the moment
you're about to have a sexual release...
688
00:53:52,771 --> 00:53:58,289
He is gonna tell you an interesting story
or two! The kids call it "scarfing", 'cause
some of them use scarfs to do it!
689
00:53:58,409 --> 00:54:04,255
Or screw the kids! Just get on the internet!
Do it yourselves! Google in the words
"auto erotic asphyxia!"
690
00:54:04,552 --> 00:54:06,975
"Auto erotic asphyxia", is the practice...
691
00:54:07,095 --> 00:54:12,826
...of cutting off the oxygen to the brain at the
last moment during masturbation in order to
heighten the orgasm...
692
00:54:13,107 --> 00:54:17,245
and when I say "common"... A thousand kids a year
die this way! OK?
693
00:54:17,365 --> 00:54:19,964
A thousand of them die! So think
how many of them are...
694
00:54:20,084 --> 00:54:25,569
...trying to pull this off! If you pardon
the little pun I'm throwin' in just to
lighten the mood!
695
00:54:26,525 --> 00:54:31,800
But here's the way it works! Apparently!
I've never tried! It sounded risky to me!
696
00:54:32,393 --> 00:54:37,931
Well, jerking off is all I need! You know what I
mean, folks! I ain't trying to double my money!
Fuck that shit!
697
00:54:39,613 --> 00:54:44,656
I just jerk off, wipe off my chest,
get up and go to work, you know? That's it!
698
00:54:50,393 --> 00:54:54,761
Nothing fancy! At our house
we're simple folk!
699
00:54:55,174 --> 00:55:00,861
But here's the way it's supposed to work!
And this is why it's such a big attraction
in the first place!
700
00:55:01,190 --> 00:55:05,212
Apparently it is true!
Medically, phisiologically speaking...
701
00:55:05,332 --> 00:55:08,723
...that if you can cut off your air supply,
the oxygen to your brain...
702
00:55:08,843 --> 00:55:12,250
...just at the moment you're about to have
an orgasm, the orgasm is about...
703
00:55:12,370 --> 00:55:17,212
...I don't know! Let's say 500 times better!
Something like that! It's incredibly intense!
704
00:55:17,332 --> 00:55:22,553
So, what you gotta do, is stand up on a chair,
or bucket, or some kind of thing...
705
00:55:23,031 --> 00:55:27,086
...you put a rope around your neck,
and you start jerking off...!
706
00:55:37,834 --> 00:55:43,669
And while you're pulling your pod,
you have to arrange...
707
00:55:43,789 --> 00:55:47,955
...to almost strangle yourself
just before you have an orgasm...
708
00:55:48,075 --> 00:55:53,526
And by the way, while all this activity
is going on, you gotta maintain a hard-on!
709
00:55:53,646 --> 00:55:56,872
...which ain't easy, 'cause you might
just be getting ready to buy the farm...
710
00:55:56,992 --> 00:56:00,235
...so you'd better be fantasizing about someone
you really like...!
711
00:56:00,355 --> 00:56:05,839
...or some thing you really like, I don't know
what that my be! Maybe getting fucked in
the ass by a Game Warden, who knows?
712
00:56:05,959 --> 00:56:10,389
Hey, I'm not here to judge! You are all different!
To each his own!
713
00:56:10,509 --> 00:56:13,323
So let's recap...!
714
00:56:13,443 --> 00:56:17,543
Standing on a chair, rope around your neck,
peter in your hand...!
715
00:56:17,663 --> 00:56:21,153
Now you have to time it just right!
716
00:56:21,273 --> 00:56:26,741
So that before you come,
you almost die!
717
00:56:27,004 --> 00:56:30,614
And sometimes you miscalculate...!
718
00:56:30,734 --> 00:56:34,620
You don't know if you're coming or going!
719
00:56:34,900 --> 00:56:38,064
No way to know!
No way to know!
720
00:56:44,163 --> 00:56:51,944
And the parents of these kids are to embarrassed
to tell the police! So the put the kid's dick away
and they say: "He had poor grades!"
721
00:56:53,327 --> 00:56:58,899
"His girlfriend left him!"
"Oh, well, no wonder, lady!
Look at his fucking hobbies!"
722
00:56:59,163 --> 00:57:03,811
Then they blame it on Heavy Metal, you know!
I don't know if you remember that, but from
that old incident, there...
723
00:57:03,931 --> 00:57:10,866
...some years back - Judas Priest, or one of them
headbanging bands, somebody played a song and
after that they killed themselves,
and so they blamed...
724
00:57:10,986 --> 00:57:16,733
...suicide, and Heavy Metal...
If it's murder, they tend to blame Rap
these days, but...
725
00:57:16,853 --> 00:57:21,694
...it's never the parents! Did you ever notice
this? Parents apparently play no part...
726
00:57:21,958 --> 00:57:25,436
...in the development and outcome
of these kids! Parents...
727
00:57:25,556 --> 00:57:31,386
You know, they can raise a kid apparently,
11, 12, 13, 14 years, but if he turns out
fucked up! Boy, they have nothing to do with that!
728
00:57:31,506 --> 00:57:34,254
"Must be those kids at the parking lot he
hangs around with!"
729
00:57:34,374 --> 00:57:37,633
Parents gotta be among the most
full of shit people in the world!
730
00:57:37,753 --> 00:57:42,907
Well, they always have been! Top to bottom!
Front to back! Listen, in fairness,
it comes with the job!
731
00:57:43,027 --> 00:57:46,880
If you wanna be a parent, you gotta be
full of shit, at least half the time!
732
00:57:47,161 --> 00:57:52,469
Look at it this way! They have it both ways!
If the kid turns out to be a loser, they have
nothing to do with that...!
733
00:57:52,589 --> 00:57:57,991
But boy, if he's a winner, got a scholarship or
something like that? Man, they're are the first
ones out there raising their hands, trying to
get a little credit...!
734
00:57:58,255 --> 00:58:02,162
It's a nice state of mind if you can
talk yourselves into believing it...!
735
00:58:02,282 --> 00:58:08,276
But these are the kind of things I think about
when I'm sitting home alone, during an electrical
storm, waiting for the parole officer to give me
a call...
736
00:58:08,590 --> 00:58:13,699
...and these ideas come floating into my head!
Just floating right in! Unbidden!
737
00:58:13,819 --> 00:58:17,969
I'm not asking for these things!
I'm a vessel!
738
00:58:18,232 --> 00:58:24,083
I'm a mere vessel! In come these thoughts!
And some of them are a little offbeat!
739
00:58:25,188 --> 00:58:30,248
I'm gonna grant you that! I was thinking
about these younger women who got buried today!
740
00:58:30,368 --> 00:58:33,891
You ever think about them?
Probably not!
741
00:58:34,011 --> 00:58:39,347
But I was thinking about these younger women who
died three or four days ago, got buried today...
742
00:58:39,467 --> 00:58:43,633
And some of them had a bad heart, you know?
Some of them had a bad kidney...
743
00:58:43,753 --> 00:58:48,298
...but a lot of them had perfectly good pussies!
744
00:58:48,578 --> 00:58:53,457
Good pussies, nice tits,
reasonably tight assholes...!
745
00:58:54,017 --> 00:58:58,188
Going to waste! In the ground!
746
00:58:58,484 --> 00:59:02,275
It just seems a shame to me!
747
00:59:02,395 --> 00:59:05,341
That some fine young pussy...!
748
00:59:05,461 --> 00:59:08,374
...should be rotting away six feet under!
749
00:59:08,494 --> 00:59:12,923
Because you'd think, in this era...
750
00:59:13,043 --> 00:59:17,276
...that if you can donate a heart...
751
00:59:22,732 --> 00:59:25,139
...to someone who needs one...
752
00:59:25,259 --> 00:59:28,369
...there oughta be a way to recycle
some of these pussies...
753
00:59:28,666 --> 00:59:34,072
And get them to people who need them!
Some old guy living up in the mountains!
"Whoa...!"
754
00:59:35,638 --> 00:59:41,292
"Holy shit! Look at this fucking thing!
This is great! Thank you very much, sir!
I appreciate this! Thank you, thank you!
755
00:59:41,412 --> 00:59:45,726
Thank you! God bless you!
You're doing God's work!
I hope you know that! Don't you?
756
00:59:45,846 --> 00:59:50,044
Hey, this is better than Publisher's
Clearing House!
757
00:59:50,164 --> 00:59:55,698
Listen here, buddy...
You ain't got a red-head of one
of this, by any chance, don't you?
758
00:59:56,012 --> 00:59:59,143
No, I didn't think so! I never had one
of them myself, thank you very much...!
759
00:59:59,263 --> 01:00:04,386
Listen here, this is the real thing, ain't it?
This ain't one of them storebook pussies
you see at the old bookstore?
760
01:00:04,506 --> 01:00:09,973
Huh? What's that? Oh, OK!
Hold on! Just a second!
Whoa...!
761
01:00:10,555 --> 01:00:14,527
Jesus Christ on a cracker!
That's the real fucking thing!
762
01:00:14,939 --> 01:00:19,851
I'd recognize that son of a bitch anywhere!
That straightened out my nose hairs!
763
01:00:20,148 --> 01:00:23,214
I'd better get this sucker home and get
into the refrigerator quick as I can!
764
01:00:23,334 --> 01:00:28,588
The "Save-A-Pussy Foundation!"
Give the gift that keeps on giving!
765
01:00:29,627 --> 01:00:34,308
Fuck the whales!
Save the pussy!
766
01:00:34,819 --> 01:00:38,627
But you wouldn't wanna... Oh, maybe...
You wouldn't wanna save all of them!
767
01:00:38,747 --> 01:00:43,028
Not all of them!
Some of them are worn out!
768
01:00:43,292 --> 01:00:46,539
Oh, you wouldn't want one of them
big old rubbery things! That ain't no good!
769
01:00:46,659 --> 01:00:51,220
What you want is something nice
and tight, but flexible!
770
01:00:51,517 --> 01:00:56,528
Maybe they have an age limit!
Or a mileage check!
771
01:00:56,648 --> 01:01:04,077
You know, you figure out the average length
of the average dick, the average number of
thusts per event, the average number of events
per lifetime... You've got that lady's mileage!
772
01:01:04,340 --> 01:01:09,384
And you women, I don't want you to think I wanna
leave you out of the fun! We're gonna get you a
nice set of cock and balls, OK?
773
01:01:09,664 --> 01:01:13,505
We'll get you something nice just after
rigor mortis sets in!
774
01:01:13,851 --> 01:01:20,807
Tell the truth, ladies! Wouldn't you like a nice
set of cock and balls without all the bullshit
that comes with them? Huh? Fucking-A!
775
01:01:20,927 --> 01:01:25,026
We'll get you something nice to keep it
on the nightstand! It's really easy to find
in the dark!
776
01:01:25,307 --> 01:01:29,708
And if your mother comes over...
Put a hat on it!
777
01:01:30,467 --> 01:01:35,478
Well, somebody's got to think of these things!
Apparently, I've been appointed!
778
01:01:36,417 --> 01:01:40,423
I was dancing with a woman!
She told me she had a yeast infection!
779
01:01:40,703 --> 01:01:45,071
I said: "Bag me a fucking loaf of bread!"
780
01:01:46,010 --> 01:01:48,911
A couple of corn muffins,
a jelly doughnut, I don't give a shit!
781
01:01:49,175 --> 01:01:52,686
I'm always in the market
for quality baked goods!
782
01:01:52,806 --> 01:01:56,362
You couldn't squeeze a birthday cake out
of that thing by any chance, could you, huh?
783
01:01:56,626 --> 01:01:59,841
No, no, I didn't think so...
No pressure, honey! No pressure at all!
784
01:01:59,961 --> 01:02:03,797
Why don't you just turn around and give me
a nice pineapple upside-down cake?
785
01:02:04,192 --> 01:02:08,692
And a dozen oatmeal cookies!
Skip the raisins!
786
01:02:09,022 --> 01:02:12,995
X-nay on the aisins-ray...!
787
01:02:14,594 --> 01:02:18,385
Well, I think it is certainly apparent by now...
788
01:02:18,505 --> 01:02:22,193
...that one of the things I enjoy in life
is excess...
789
01:02:22,313 --> 01:02:28,654
I like things that are excessive!
I like excessive behaviour, excessive language,
excessive violence...
790
01:02:28,774 --> 01:02:34,258
It's fun! It's interesting! It's exciting!
I like it when nature is excessive...
791
01:02:34,378 --> 01:02:39,451
That's why I like natural disasters!
All these natural disasters
that have been going on....
792
01:02:39,571 --> 01:02:44,001
I fucking love them!
I can't get enough of them!
793
01:02:44,121 --> 01:02:48,781
Oh, when nature is going crazy, throwing
things around, scaring people and destroying
property..
794
01:02:48,901 --> 01:02:53,231
...I'm a happy fucking guy!
I'm a happy fucking guy!
795
01:02:53,351 --> 01:02:56,280
I look at it this way!
For centuries now...
796
01:02:56,400 --> 01:03:02,264
...man has done everything he can
to destroy, defile and interfere with nature!
797
01:03:02,384 --> 01:03:07,357
Clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains,
poisoning the atmosphere...
798
01:03:07,477 --> 01:03:13,226
...over-fishing the oceans, polluting
the rivers and lakes, destroying
wetlands and aquiferes...
799
01:03:13,346 --> 01:03:18,072
...so when nature strikes back,
and smashes man in the head
and kicks him in the nuts...
800
01:03:18,192 --> 01:03:23,347
I enjoy that! I have absolutely no sympathy
for human beings whatsoever...!
801
01:03:23,467 --> 01:03:29,479
None! And no matter what kind of problem
homans are facing, whether it's natural
or man-made...
802
01:03:29,942 --> 01:03:35,101
I always hope it gets worse!
Don't you? Don't you?
803
01:03:35,397 --> 01:03:41,034
Don't you have a part of you that secretly
hopes everything gets worse?
804
01:03:41,661 --> 01:03:46,656
When you see a big fire on TV...
Don't you hope it spreads?
805
01:03:47,002 --> 01:03:52,293
Don't you hope it gets completely
out of control and burns down six counties?
806
01:03:52,623 --> 01:03:58,211
You don't root for the firemen, do you?
I mean, I don't want them to get hurt
or nothing, but...
807
01:03:58,331 --> 01:04:02,893
I don't want them putting out my fire!
That's my fire!
808
01:04:03,013 --> 01:04:07,706
That's nature! Showing off and having fun!
809
01:04:08,200 --> 01:04:12,354
You know something else I like?
Those spring floods in the Midwest!
810
01:04:12,474 --> 01:04:16,046
Aren't they great? Like clockwork!
Spring floods in the Midwest!
811
01:04:16,166 --> 01:04:21,469
But I'm starting to notice, I'm starting to
catch on that every year it's the same story!
812
01:04:21,589 --> 01:04:27,947
Another flood, in the same place, with
the same people on the same river...
Same fucking people!
813
01:04:28,277 --> 01:04:31,672
And these people will not move!
They will not fucking move!
814
01:04:31,792 --> 01:04:38,414
They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper
and they move right back into the same fucking
house, on the floodplain, next to the river...
815
01:04:38,534 --> 01:04:43,244
...and then they wonder why grandma's floating
downstream with a parakeet on her head!
816
01:04:43,364 --> 01:04:47,579
Fourth time, again!
Fourth fucking tine!
817
01:04:47,699 --> 01:04:52,754
There's no learning curve with these people!
It's very hard to feel sorry for them!
818
01:04:53,167 --> 01:05:00,667
Every year! Same people!
Same rowboats! Out there, paddling around...
Rescuing a chicken!
819
01:05:01,524 --> 01:05:06,387
What the fuck kind of a life is that?
"Well, our kids love it here!"
820
01:05:06,507 --> 01:05:10,624
Oh, really? What have they got?
Gills?
821
01:05:11,348 --> 01:05:14,761
And while they're showing all that shit
on the screen, the announcer is saying to me...
822
01:05:14,881 --> 01:05:23,035
"It's been raining steadily for three months now,
the ground can't hold any more water, the river
is cresty higher than it has in two centuries,
the levees are washed away..."
823
01:05:23,155 --> 01:05:31,657
...and I just hope it keeps raining!
And raining, and raining, and raining...!
824
01:05:31,777 --> 01:05:39,519
...and raining, and raining, and raining!
And it rains steadily for five years!
825
01:05:39,866 --> 01:05:44,201
And then, after that,
for ten years it's cloudy!
826
01:05:44,321 --> 01:05:49,483
With occasional showers!
And the river never returns to its natural banks!
827
01:05:49,603 --> 01:05:54,610
And becomes a completely new river! And the
borders of three states have to be changed!
828
01:05:54,730 --> 01:05:58,665
And all the maps and atlases
have to be redrawn and reprinted!
829
01:05:58,785 --> 01:06:02,736
And no-one's couch
ever completely dries out!
830
01:06:02,856 --> 01:06:08,407
For years and years, every time
they sit down, there's always a little "squish!"
831
01:06:09,264 --> 01:06:17,670
"Dan, Linda! Come on in you guys!
Have a seat!" (Squish, squish)
I like that! I'm an interesting guy!
832
01:06:17,790 --> 01:06:25,484
I always hope that no matter how small
the original problem is, it's gonna grow
into bigger and bigger proportions, until
it gets completely out of control, and I'll
give you a concrete example...
833
01:06:25,604 --> 01:06:35,010
Let's say a water main breaks in downtown
Los Angeles, and it floods an electrical
substation, knocking out all the traffic lights
and tying up the entire city, and emergency
vehicles can't get through!
834
01:06:35,130 --> 01:06:41,323
..and at the same time, one of those month-long
global warming heatwaves comes along,
but there's no air conditioning,
there's no water for sanitation...
835
01:06:41,443 --> 01:06:48,345
So cholera, smallpox and dysentery break out,
and thousands of people start dying in the streets!
But before they die, parasites eat their brains!
836
01:06:48,465 --> 01:06:56,356
...and they go completely fucking crazy, and they
storm the hospital, but the hospital can't handle
all the casualties, so these people rape all the
nurses and set the hospital on fire...!
837
01:06:56,476 --> 01:07:01,630
...and the flames drive them ever crazier, so they
start stabbing social workers and garbage men...!
838
01:07:01,750 --> 01:07:12,625
And a big wind comes along, and the entire city
goes up in flames, and the people who are still
healthy, they get mad at the sick people and they
start crucifying them! Nailing them into crosses,
trying on their underwear, shit like that!
839
01:07:12,745 --> 01:07:21,494
Then everybody smokes crack, and PCP and they
march on City Hall, where they burn the Mayor at
the stake, strangle his wife, and take turns
sodomizing the statue of Larry Flint!
840
01:07:21,905 --> 01:07:28,631
And at this point, it looks like pretty soon
things are gonna start to get out of control!
841
01:07:28,894 --> 01:07:35,965
So everybody panics, and tries to leave the city
at the same time, and they trample each other
to death in the streets by the thousands,
and wild dogs eat their corpses...
842
01:07:36,085 --> 01:07:43,712
...and the wild dogs chase the rest of the people
down the highway, and one by one the dogs
pick up the old fucks and the slow people,
'cause they're in the fast lane,
where they don't belong!
843
01:07:43,832 --> 01:07:51,064
Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you're
an old fuck, if you're a slow fuck!
Get over on the right! And then...
844
01:07:51,377 --> 01:07:58,366
And the lucky ones, the lucky people who managed
to make it all the way outside of town,
they discover when they get there, that big sparks
from the city have lit the suburbs on fire...!
845
01:07:58,486 --> 01:08:04,020
...and the suburbs burn uncontrollolably, and
thousands of identical homes, of identical fires
with identical smoke...
846
01:08:04,140 --> 01:08:09,377
...killing all the identical soccer moms,
and their identical kids named
Jason and Jennifer...!
847
01:08:09,640 --> 01:08:17,569
And now the fire spreads on the farmlands, and the
farmlands burn intensely, at 425 degrees, creating
millions of baked potatoes, and...
848
01:08:17,689 --> 01:08:25,101
...as the farmlands burn, thousands of barns and
farmhouses begin to explode from all the heat
and metamphetamine labs!
849
01:08:25,221 --> 01:08:31,597
...and the meth chemicals run down into the rivers
and streams, while wild animals drink the water
and get completely geeked on speed!
850
01:08:31,717 --> 01:08:36,607
So bears and wolves amped up on crank
start roaming the countryside looking for
people to eat!
851
01:08:36,727 --> 01:08:39,706
Even though they're not
really hungry!
852
01:08:39,826 --> 01:08:47,734
And the fire spreads through the forests, and the
forests burn furiously, and hundreds of elves and
trolls and fairies come running out of the woods,
screaming: "Bambi's dead! Bambi's dead!"
853
01:08:47,854 --> 01:08:56,354
And he is! He is! Finally that fucking little
cunt Bambi is dead! Dead! Now...!
854
01:08:57,277 --> 01:09:02,041
Now, hundreds of regional fires come together
into one huge interstate inferno...!
855
01:09:02,161 --> 01:09:08,206
...and all twelve of the western United States
are burning out of control....! Except Utah,
where the mormons don't love fires...
856
01:09:08,766 --> 01:09:15,129
And the fires spread across the great plains,
toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and
producing... hamburgers, actually!
857
01:09:15,442 --> 01:09:23,585
And it leads to Mississippi, and rinses thru the
South, blowing up stills, interrupting lynchings
and killing millions of in-bred people, and then -
858
01:09:23,705 --> 01:09:29,515
...it turns north-east and heads for Washington
D.C., where George Bush can't decide if it's
an emergency or not!
859
01:09:29,635 --> 01:09:37,730
Can't decide this! I don't know!
It's hard work! You know?
860
01:09:38,767 --> 01:09:42,921
He can't decide because
Dick Cheney is in prison! So...
861
01:09:43,284 --> 01:09:52,168
...instead he takes a nap! He puts his empty
fucking brainless head down on the little pillow
his mother gave him at Christmas time,
and he takes a fucking nap...!
862
01:09:52,288 --> 01:09:56,849
So the fire moves to Philadelphia, but it's a
weekend, and Philadelphia is closed on
the weekends...
863
01:09:56,969 --> 01:10:05,075
So the fire moves to New York City, and the people
in New York tell the fire to go fuck itself!
"Go fuck yourself!" And it does...!
864
01:10:08,553 --> 01:10:17,125
And it does! So instead it burns Long Island and
Connecticut, killing all the rich white assholes
and completely destroying their evil faggoty
golf courses!
865
01:10:20,636 --> 01:10:26,438
And while all this is going on, Canada
burns to the ground, but nobody notices!
866
01:10:26,867 --> 01:10:35,125
And now the entire North American continent is
on fire, producing a huge thermal object, and
creating an incendiary cyclonic macrosystem
that forms a hemispheric megastorm...
867
01:10:35,245 --> 01:10:42,461
...breaking down the molecular structure of the
atmosphere and actually changing the laws of
nature! Fire and water combine! Burning clouds
of flaming rain fall upward!
868
01:10:42,581 --> 01:10:50,076
Gamma rays and solar winds get together creating a
huge cloud of ionized plasma! Bolts of lightning
twenty million miles long begin shooting out of
the North Pole, and...
869
01:10:50,196 --> 01:10:53,835
...the sky fills up with green shit!
870
01:10:54,114 --> 01:10:58,647
And then, suddenly, the entire fabric of
space-time splits in two...!
871
01:10:58,767 --> 01:11:04,350
A huge crack in the universe open!
And all the dead people from the past
begin falling through...!
872
01:11:04,470 --> 01:11:12,922
...Babe Ruth, Groucho Marx, Davy Crockett,
Tiny Tim, Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin,
Alan Ladd... My uncle Dave! Your uncle Dave!
873
01:11:13,367 --> 01:11:18,345
Everybody's uncle Dave! An endless stream
of dead uncle Daves falling thru the crack!
874
01:11:18,610 --> 01:11:22,121
And all the dead uncle Daves
gather around the heavenly kitchen table...!
875
01:11:22,241 --> 01:11:26,621
They light up cigarettes and then they begin
to talk! They talk about how they never
got a break...!
876
01:11:26,741 --> 01:11:33,907
How their parents didn't love them and their
children were ungrateful! They talk about
how the government screwed them out of money,
and they just missed out on a big job...!
877
01:11:34,027 --> 01:11:37,583
They say the Jews own everything,
and the blacks get special treatment...!
878
01:11:37,703 --> 01:11:42,363
And all the hatred and bitterness, drips out
of these people, and forms a big pool
of liquid hate...
879
01:11:42,483 --> 01:11:48,313
...and the pool of liquid hate begins to spin!
Round and round it spins, faster and faster!
And the faster it spins, the bigger it gets...!
880
01:11:48,433 --> 01:11:57,115
...faster and faster, bigger and bigger,
until the whirling pool of hate is bigger
than the entire universe, and then suddenly
it explodes into trillions of tiny stars...
881
01:11:57,235 --> 01:12:02,455
And every star has a trillion planets,
and every planet has a trillion uncle Daves...
882
01:12:02,575 --> 01:12:07,284
And all the uncle Daves have good jobs,
perfect eyesight and shoes that fit...
883
01:12:07,564 --> 01:12:15,113
They have great sex lives and free health care,
They understand the internet, their kids think
they're cool, and they all love their neighbours...
884
01:12:15,233 --> 01:12:19,695
And every week, without fail,
uncle Dave wins the lottery...
885
01:12:19,992 --> 01:12:27,673
...forever and ever, till the end of time, every
single uncle Dave has a winning ticket,
and uncle Dave is finally happy!
886
01:12:27,937 --> 01:12:34,778
Now do you see why I like it when nature
gets even with humans...?
Thanks for coming in here tonight!
887
01:12:37,959 --> 01:12:41,009
Thank you! See you later!
102857
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