Original subtitles

A hell of a breakfast, Daph. I'm stuffed.

Thanks. Now come on, let's do some exercises.

And risk a cramp? What kind of training did you get?

- Morning. - Hey, Fras. Want some breakfast?

Oh, uh, no thanks. Uh, coffee will be fine.

Hi, Daph. Uh, listen, I could use an objective opinion.

I am running for condo-board president.

I wanna know what you think of this as a slogan:

"Frasier Crane, the people's elixir."

Okay, I'm ready for my exercises now.

Please, Dad, this is serious. I have a feeling this could be my year.

- Don't you say that every year? - Yes, I do.

But I'm the only one running against the incumbent,

which means the people will rally their yearnings for change

behind my banner.

Wow, you're full of catchy slogans.

Fras, you don't get your hopes up too high.

I mean, name one person on the condo board

you haven't ticked off at least once.

That's just because I have a type A, hands-on, get-it-done personality.

Seriously, name one.

You know, Fras, you might be the best man for the job.

But a friendly smile and a "How do you do?" in the hallway

goes a lot further than being the people's laxative.

Elixir.

Well, I suppose you're right.

I haven't really established myself as the neighbourly sort.

I thought that my term as fire safety captain might do the trick,

but I guess I drilled them once too often.

Maybe you could give him lessons on how to be a normal person.

I beg your pardon?

Say, I've got an idea. Dad, why don't you just run?

Why would I wanna do that?

Well, because then the people would get their regular guy,

but he would have my political agenda.

I get it. Your father's the figurehead.

Like Woodrow Wilson when he had that stroke

and his wife secretly acted as president.

Yes, exactly. But, of course, Dad would be conscious, presumably.

- How did you know about that? - I'm studying for my citizenship exam.

It's about time I became an American like everyone else.

If you were like everyone else, you wouldn't know any history.

So, Dad, what do you think?

Oh, I don't know. Sounds like a big pain.

Oh, come on, Dad. Think of the neighbours.

Think of the building, the good we could do together.

We can actually achieve the dream

of luxury apartment living that our founders intended.

Plus, I'll do all the work.

I'll tell you something I thought we needed.

Wider parking spaces so the doors don't get dinged.

If you do this, I'll make sure that gets done.

- Really? - Absolutely, Mr. President.

I like the sound of that.

- I think I should still run against you. - Why?

Well, if I drop out just as you announce your candidacy,

people might suspect something.

It's better that our political legerdemain remain sub rosa, hmm?

How would a normal person say that, Dad?

No one needs to know how the hot dogs are made.

This is gonna be sweet.

Which brings me to my final opponent, Martin Crane.

Now, we're all well aware that he is a decorated war hero

and a much honored police officer.

But does he have the building's interests at heart?

Maybe.

I simply ask that you stack up his 45 years of experience

against my term as fire safety captain.

Thank you.

And God bless Elliot Bay Towers.

And now we'll hear from Martin Crane.

Ahh, thanks. I'm Marty Crane.

Uh, I just want to say that it's a privilege to run

and, uh, I'll try to do the best I can.

Thank you and go, Seahawks.

Here's where we'd hear from our third candidate,

current president, Jim McIntyre.

But, uh, last night he informed me that he was giving up condo board

in order to pursue his dream of teaching English

as a second language.

Dream or court-ordered community service?

So I guess it's time to vote.

Well, I wish we would have known that guy wasn't gonna run.

I wouldn't have had to spend all night working on my speech.

Yes.

Plus I would automatically be president now.

Yeah, even you couldn't lose a one-man election.

You're forgetting 1998.

Oh, yeah, when you lost to the dead guy.

He wasn't dead, he was in a coma.

How was I supposed to compete with that?

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

In a surprisingly close vote of 15 to 2,

- our new president is Martin Crane. - Yes.

I got two votes.

Bye-bye.

What a great massage.

It's too bad her English wasn't better.

She could have told us some of her secrets.

Yes, but now we know that Urdu is the official language of heaven.

I could go for a snack.

- Want some pâté? - No, thanks.

- Some cheese? - No.

- Pâté? - Again, no.

- How about a salad? - Or a fruit salad?

Ooh, I could throw together a little mélange.

I'll get it. A mélange sounds lovely.

I thought you were going out with that man from your gym.

We didn't even make it to dinner.

Here's your never-fail date purse back.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, come on in.

Sure? You look like you're going to bed.

No, we just got a massage. Come in.

Boy, a massage sounds wonderful.

She did the most incredible thing to my neck.

Here, let me show you.

- Oh. - Mm-hm.

So how could you tell your date wasn't meant to be?

He had the same purse.

- Wow, that feels so good. - Mm-hm.

- Oh, hi, Roz. - Hi.

- Poor thing had a bad date. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, now that Daphne's helping you relax,

you want to join us in a little mélange?

- What? - You'll love it, Niles is amazing.

- Wait, what are you saying? - Unless you have other plans.

Well, I guess not, but...

Great, then here you go.

Oh, fruit salad.

Oh, my God. I thought you said "ménage."

Well, the fruits do mix a little promiscuously.

I mean, I was thinking, "Oh, my God. What are they saying?"

Rest assured, we would've offered you something more than fruit salad

to get you in the mood.

You know what? She didn't say no.

You're right. She didn't.

It was only because it was so weird, I didn't know what to say.

- Is that why? - I think someone has a crush on us.

- You wish. - We know what you wish.

Okay, okay, let's talk about something else.

Uh, what are you guys gonna do this weekend?

You, if you get your way.

So if we had have asked you, you would've said no.

Of course I would have.

I see, and what's wrong with us?

- Do you find us unattractive? - What if we wore masks?

Have to be Nixon and Frankenstein. That's all we've got.

All right, you guys, stop it.

I'm sorry I didn't understand your little code word for fruit salad.

Oh, we're sorry.

Here you haven't even had dinner and we're teasing you.

Oh, you haven't? I didn't know that, let me make you something.

- No, it's okay, I'm not that hungry. - Oh, come on.

Well, all right. I wouldn't say no to a sandwich.

Yes, he is doing a hell of a job, isn't he? Heh, heh.

Listen, what did you think of the new plants in the lobby?

Dad was particularly pleased

with how they complemented the sconces.

Don't tell people that.

Yes, I suppose the best man did win.

Bye-bye.

- Another satisfied constituent. - Well, whoop-de-do.

- Hello. - Frasier.

- Hey, Marty. - Hey, Paul.

I just came down to congratulate you.

Every president talks about getting new dryers,

but you finally did something about it.

You see, Dad, they love what you're doing for the building.

Of course, the sting of losing was quite painful, but it's worth it

if we can have a laundry room that can take us into the 21st century.

You're being a good sport about this, Frasier.

Well, you know, public-spiritedness is the Crane code.

Right on.

- Uh, Paul, could you, ahh...? - Oh, sure.

Oh, hey, is it okay if I move the recycling bins

down to the bottom of the stairs?

- Knock yourself out. - Great, thanks.

- Is this going to be a problem? - What?

I think we need to reach a little understanding.

Now, if someone asks you a question, you look at me.

If I scratch my nose,

it means "no," you get it?

They both begin with the same two letters, N-O.

Now, if I touch my eye,

it means "aye," as in "yes".

Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.

Dad.

I think I can at least take care of the no-brainer decisions myself.

That is not how this is supposed to work.

I thought how this was supposed to work was if I agreed to do this,

you'd do the one thing I asked for.

Yes, wider parking spaces. But I have five years of ideas here to implement.

Five years?

By the time I get my parking space,

I'll be driving a three-wheel scooter with an oxygen tank on the back.

Look, even if I could fast-track it, there are feasibility studies to be done,

there's a committee review, and then there's a bidding process.

You can't hire some guy with a can of paint.

That's what I'd do.

Well, that is why you're not in charge.

Now here's your agenda for the next meeting.

Make sure that you follow it to the letter.

Yes, master.

Dad, I sense you chafing under the cruel yoke of public service.

Remember, we must subordinate our own wishes

for the good of the building.

And that is not one of our hand signals.

Next item.

A study to determine the feasibility of putting...

Something on the roof.

- Any volunteers? - I volunteer.

And I would like to explore the idea of putting a patio on the roof.

All right, uh, well, that about wraps things up.

- Query. - Recognised.

Wasn't there something else you wanted to bring up?

- Nope, don't think so. - Are you sure?

I could have sworn I heard the president say

something about a new ventilation system.

- Oh, we've done enough for tonight. - No, you haven't.

I'm certain that if you, ahh, simply consult the agenda

which you so painstakingly prepared,

you will find that there is one last item.

Oh, yeah, here it is. Wider parking spaces.

Oh, that's good.

- That's real good. - Great idea.

- Classic Marty. - You sure it's not ventilation system?

No, "wider spaces."

- Those in favour of better parking? - Aye.

- Those opposed to better parking? - Nay.

- Motion carries. - Query.

Not recognised.

Marty, I'm afraid I have to interrupt. There's a delivery for you.

Bring it in, Mrs. Richman.

Here we go.

Oh, a cake. What's the occasion?

We wanted to show you our appreciation

for all the great things you've done for us.

Wow. I never thought I'd see myself in frosting. Ha, ha.

In the last couple of weeks,

you've done more for this building than the last two presidents combined.

- Where'd you get all these great ideas? - Oh, I don't know.

They just come to me while I'm trying to watch TV.

Why don't you make yourself useful and cut the cake, Fras?

My pleasure, Mr. President.

- Hello. - Oh, don't be sore.

I'll get to the ventilation system eventually.

You went back on our agreement.

I'm the one who's supposed to call the shots.

Our agreement was that I'd get wider parking spaces,

but you blew me off.

As far as I'm concerned, the agreement is over.

Besides, I think I have a knack for this president thing.

Now, I'd like to keep you on my team,

but, uh, if it's too rough for you, just say the word.

Well, well, well.

The puppet thinks he's a real boy.

I don't think you have the skills for this job.

I have something better.

People skills.

So do I, but these boobs and nincompoops are too stupid to see it.

Well, if you're so sure you're indispensable,

maybe you should run for president.

Oh, wait, you did. Five times.

They wouldn't love you so much if it weren't for my ideas.

Right, because you need a Ph.D. to think about repainting the lobby.

Oh, wait. You don't.

- Would you stop doing that? - You're right.

It's not an effective way to argue. Oh, wait, it is.

Don't you just love this part of American history?

I'm not much of a Civil War buff.

Really? It's fascinating.

Much more so than the English civil war.

Impossible.

Didn't you want to be there when Charles I

unfurled his standard at Nottingham in 1642?

Ick, you sound like school.

We'll let Frasier settle it.

Which civil war was more interesting?

Spanish, but I don't have time to prove it.

I've got to go confront Evita Peron at the condo board meeting tonight.

- Dad? - Yes.

- I thought he was doing a good job. - Until he started to think for himself.

And he's so damn popular everybody else just follows along.

The blind leading the blind.

- Well... - But it will not stand.

As he calls for new business,

I am going to leap to my feet and expose him

for the power-mad dictator that he's become.

Then I'll take over.

- Wait, Frasier, wait. - Dr. Crane.

Maybe you should take it easy on your father.

- Why? - Because he's getting out more.

Having fun with other people in the building.

You can't take that away from him.

You get to be a big shot all the time. This is Dad's turn in the limelight.

It's good for his self-esteem.

I don't know why I even talk to you people.

- Frasier. - Not now.

Okay.

Hi, can I join you guys?

Oh, I think someone is coming on to us.

Someone just can't leave us alone.

Okay, you guys have been doing this for over two weeks. Lay off.

I thought laying off was exactly what you didn't want us to do.

- That's a good one. - It doesn't even make sense.

Listen, I don't want to have a threesome with you.

I never wanted to have a threesome with you,

and I will not have a threesome with you.

So quit bringing it up.

- I think we went a little too far. - Not as far as she wanted to go.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

And as a fellow non-traditional sex enthusiast, our day will come.

Here's my card.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way,

a bunch of us get together over at the Sea-Tao Hyatt

second Saturday of every month.

And if you wanna just tape your wife with another dude, that's cool.

Thank you, Mrs. Richman.

And for anyone who needs reminding,

these meetings start at 8:00, not 8:07.

Noted.

Well, shall we open the floor up to new business?

Yes, yes, yes. It's time you people understood the real kind...

Hold, hold it, Crane. I got real business here.

Can you tell us when we're gonna be able

to get our cars back into the parking garage?

Oh, yeah. The lines should get their second coat tomorrow.

And if it doesn't rain, it should be dry by the end of the week.

And in the meantime, we have to park out on the street.

I know it's a little inconvenient, but...

Inconvenient? I got a ticket.

Yeah, my wife got towed.

But after it's done, we'll have wider parking spaces.

If you make them wider, aren't we going to lose some spaces?

Where are those people supposed to go?

Uh, well, maybe we could take turns.

I'm not taking turns.

- Does everybody here need their car? - Of course, we need our car.

Have you got a copy of the feasibility report?

Feasibility report. Yes, the feasibility report...

You only have one piece of paper there.

How long will it take before we get them painted back the right way?

And who's gonna pay for all the tickets we get?

- I had to lug my groceries three blocks. - Look, I'm sorry...

Did you just hire a guy with a can of paint?

No.

People, people,

if you'd just let him talk, he could explain.

My father is currently in negotiations with a salvage company

to remove the old boiler room.

Which would give us the extra spaces we need.

Where are we going to park in the meantime?

My father has already discussed with the building next door

sharing their parking spaces.

- Isn't that right, Dad? - Uh, yeah, right.

We should have had more faith in you.

You've had a lot of good ideas so far.

Well, actually,

I've got something to tell you about those good ideas.

Dad...

All that good stuff, all the stuff you were crazy about,

it all came from Frasier.

From the very beginning, he's been the one running things.

And I think we should give him a little credit.

Thank you, that's very kind of you.

In fact, having me run was Frasier's idea.

- Dad... - He figured that...

He figured that you'd go for his policies if they came from somebody else.

So this whole thing was a scam.

Well, I wouldn't call it a scam. It was just a fake out.

Frasier, how could you do your father like this?

He's always wanted to be president,

but I never thought he would stoop this low.

All right, that's enough.

My son is the best thing that ever happened to this condo board,

but you guys are too petty to see it.

Well, you people don't deserve him.

And if you don't want him, you don't get me, either.

I resign. Come on, Frasier.

Right behind you, Dad.

Now what do we do?

Well, technically, when the president resigns,

the runner-up takes power.

That's right, isn't it?

Well...

It's not the way I would've liked it, but bylaws are bylaws.

So as your president,

I would like to quote a man

who understands the language of the people.