Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Jake, you can stop worrying

about the decline of civilization.

It's officially hit bottom.

You know, once again, the--

The knuckle-dragging boobs

of this country have allowed themselves to be led

to slaughter by the hideous forces of evil.

Hey, come on, John, you promised me.

You promised me you'd stop watching Oprah.

It's not Oprah, not this time.

But I got my eye on her.

You know that-- That burned-out building down the block?

Uh, this is the Bronx, John.

You're gonna have to be a little bit more specific.

Sorry. The one-- The one that used to be the library.

Guess what they're putting in there now.

Just what this neighborhood needs: another one of those

schmuck-achino coffee places with the gourmet beans

from every Third World nation on Earth.

I mean, what the hell

is Ugandan Blend?

Yeah, I'm sure there's nothing those people like better

with their three grains of rice

than a non-fat, half-caf latte.

Wow, that new coffee place is great.

You?

You actually patronize a place called

"Living La Vida Mocha?"

Hey, for a few minutes I get to be a yuppie,

like everyone else.

Keep reaching for the stars, baby.

Hey, Becker, we decided where you're taking us

to dinner on Friday night.

Dinner? You lost the bet.

Oh, come on, that wasn't a real bet.

It was too.

You said there was a Betty in the Flintstone vitamins,

and there isn't.

What-- What I said was that I didn't care,

but then when you continued the idiotic conversation,

I merely pointed out that it'd be stupid for them

to make Flintstone vitamins and not include Betty.

And then you made a bet, and then you lost.

Oh. Told you there was no Betty.

How would you know that anyway?

Well, see, John, each character has its own distinctive taste,

and believe me, if I'd had Betty,

I think I'd have known.

You lead a very sad life, don't you?

Well, let's think about this.

I had sex last night.

I'm getting free dinner on Friday night.

( chuckles ): Where's the bad? Heh.

Shut up, will you?

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Greetings, losers.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

That's right, Bob is back.

Hey, Slim, uh, let me see your muffins.

Bob, I'm gonna take that tongue of yours

and wrap it around your neck.

No, I'm really talking about muffins,

but I'll take a rain check on that tongue thing.

Let me get, uh, two of those and two of those. And hurry up.

Bob's got a lot of ground to cover today.

Well, if it would help,

one of us could drop you from a plane.

You know, people who live in dark glasses

shouldn't throw stones.

Get a move-on, Spindles. I've got a lot of calls to make.

Oh, and by the way, I'm giving you plenty of notice.

Don't make plans for Halloween.

You and I can play my favorite game:

"Bobbing for Bob."

Hey, come on. I'm trying to eat here.

Hey, uh, I hope you can break a 50.

Bob never carries anything smaller than a-- Hold on.

How awkward.

Bob seems to have left his wallet in his other pants.

You have other pants, and you wear those?

I'll tell you what.

I'll write you a check.

Uh, no checks. I've been burned by deadbeats before.

Deadbeat? No one's ever questioned Bob's integrity.

I mean, I come from a long line of honorable businessmen.

My great-grandfather opened the first Amish whorehouse.

Those girls are great. They got no buttons.

All right, I'll take a check if it'll make you shut up.

There's a $1 processing fee.

That's 5 bucks even.

( choking ) Processing fee? Some scam.

( choking ) Whatever happened to trust?

Whatever happened to compassion?

Hey, Hacky-Sack, do you mind?

We're talking.

Shut up, will you, Bob? She's choking.

( choking ) Can you speak?

Well, I'm a doctor. I'm gonna give you a hand here.

( coughs )

Oh.

My, my-- I couldn't breathe. I--

Don't try to say anything right now.

Just-- Just sit still for a second.

Here we go. Here, that should help.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, lady, little tip.

Cut it, chew it, swallow it.

We've been doing it for years.

Oh, I'm much better.

Thank you so much.

Well, you're very welcome.

Uh, Reg, see you at lunch.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You-- You-- You-- You saved my life.

I-I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, really, that's, uh-- That's okay.

Well, I'll never forget what you've done.

No problem. You're-- You're welcome.

Oh, e-e-ever.

Okay.

Um...

I'm-- I'm gonna go now.

Bye-bye.

And don't worry about the check. It's on the house.

Oh, you're very kind. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

She hocks up a bagel and it's on the house?

While Bob, a loyal customer,

can't get 5 lousy kopecks on the cuff?

Just pay up and get out.

I've never seen a check with a-- Is that a woman?

It's three women. And a donkey.

Look, when you flip it, they move.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

You're late.

Now, Margaret, before you say anything, I know I'm late.

It's kind of your fault.

Last night I went out with that guy from your church

that you fixed me up with.

Russ? Isn't he wonderful?

How did it go? Great.

While I was ditching him, I met this really cool guy.

Russ is cool.

Russ is gay.

Anyways, this new guy took me to a club,

and we danced all night.

Oh, so you overslept?

No, the windows in his place were boarded up,

so I didn't know it was morning.

Morning.

Yeah, only for a few more minutes.

Hi. Can I help you?

Oh, yes.

I was just wondering if Dr. Becker--

Oh, there he is.

He saved my life.

Yes, I heard about that.

Hi, Dr. Becker.

Yeah, hi, uh-- Sorry.

Uh, K-Katherine.

Right. Katherine.

I asked that lady at the diner where I might find you.

So, what do you want?

Oh, I baked you some cookies.

Ah.

There's, uh-- There's, uh--

There's oatmeal-- Yeah.

--and tollhouse and, uh, a few snickerdoodles

because those are my favorite.

I hope you like them too.

Oh, I'm-- I'm sure they'll be fine.

Oh, yes, look, they-- They have Xs on them

made out of raisins. Heh.

Those are crosses.

So they are.

Why?

Oh, because the good Lord Jesus sent you to me.

Uh, yeah, he-- He rocks.

Thank you, Dr. Becker.

Mm.

Oh, and thank God.

Margaret.

Yes.

Does that w--? Does that woman seem a little weird to you?

Why? Because she did something nice?

Nice? No, no, no, she-- She tracked me down.

Look-- Look at these cookies.

They've got God stuff all over them.

And then when she was leaving, she--

She even thanked God.

That's not weird.

Pretty much everyone who walks away from you thanks God.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, ho, failures. Bob's back.

Get over here, you little hemorrhoid.

Ooh, a pet name.

Sounds like you're ready for a little Preparation Bob.

Which brings to mind what you can do with this check.

It bounced.

It's not even worth the amazingly disgusting paper

it's written on.

Bounced? That can't be.

I have loads of money.

I haven't paid taxes in years.

I'm gonna call my bank and settle this.

There's room for two in here, you know.

Go.

Reg, how are you doing?

Not great. Bob bounced a check on me.

Can you believe it?

Gotta be honest. I don't really care.

You know that woman who was in here, the one that choked?

Has she been asking a lot of questions about me?

Oh, as a matter of fact, she was.

No kidding? Yeah, she came in the other day,

and she asked all about you, actually:

who you were, what you did--

Really? Huh? --what kind of food you liked.

Yeah, we had a lovely chat.

What, are you crazy?

I don't want you talking about me to total strangers.

Thanks to you, I have this-- This person in my life.

So? So I got a bad feeling

about her. Something--

Something not quite right.

Well, w-what makes you say that?

She showed up at my office with-- With cookies.

Oh, the humanity.

Bob's confused. Nonplussed even.

Some Waldo at the bank said my account balance is 0.

The account holder is a zero.

I'm over here now, Jake. Oh, damn.

I'm going down to the bank to compound some interest.

They're gonna be sorry they ever met Bob.

Heh, join the club, right?

( chuckling )

Over here now, Jake. Oh, damn.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( knocking on door )

( utensil clatters )

You try to have a civilized dinner...

( knocking on door )

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Oh, surprise.

Yeah, surprise.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, ever since you saved my life,

I just can't get you out of my mind.

Have you tried?

I mean, really tried?

I just had to thank you again.

Well, you-- You've thanked me more than enough. A lot more.

Oh, nonsense.

In some cultures, saving a life seals a bond between two people,

even unto death.

Death?

Please, accept this as a small token of my gratitude.

Oh, no, see, it's really not necessary. Really.

Oh, oh, but it is.

I don't think anything is random.

The Lord sent you to me,

and I thank him for bringing us together.

Did you thank him for making you choke?

Well, he works in mysterious ways. Heh.

Yeah, yeah. Good night.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Well, that-- That would be nice.

Oh, my God.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

So I'm overreacting, huh?

Yeah, well, cookie lady came by my house last night.

I'm thinking this chick is some kind of stalker.

Go on, look in there.

Look in there.

I don't wanna look in there.

I'll look in there. You keep working.

I'll look in there.

( gasps )

Oh, no, John, you're right.

This is awful.

Mittens.

Exactly. Yeah, she made me mittens.

I mean, what's next?

Maybe these aren't mittens at all.

Maybe they're evil, voodoo, killer mittens.

Whatever you do, don't turn your back on these babies.

Yeah, yeah, that's very funny, Margaret.

She's just trying to show you a little gratitude.

No, no, this goes way beyond gratitude.

This is-- This is that whole Fatal Attraction,

boil-the-bunny kind of thing.

A, you're crazy,

B, you have a patient in Room One,

and C, you're crazy.

You know, you're gonna be sorry.

You know, they're-- They're gonna find me

buried in her backyard in 16 bloody Mason jars.

Dr. Becker? Yeah, what?

Margaret doesn't know what she's talking about.

You're right to be scared of that stalker.

Uh, you think so?

Oh, yeah.

And believe me, I've been there.

I mean, the-- The phone calls in the middle of the night,

the threatening letters, the emotional blackmail,

the constant obsessive spying...

Oh, wow, that must have been really scary for you.

Yeah, but he just wouldn't admit how perfect our love was.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Come on, officer, she-- She-- She made me cookies.

She brought me mittens.

I mean, this-- This is a dangerous psychopath.

Yes, no, yeah, I can describe her.

She's about 5'1", uh, 85 pounds, kind of a sweet face.

She's scary as hell.

Is someone laughing?

Yeah, am I on the speakerphone?

Yeah, very funny. Yeah--

You know, I'd like to know why you guys

don't arrest criminals before they commit crimes.

Oh, yeah, good point.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( phone hangs up )

REGGIE: We have an 8:00 reservation. Where have you been?

Trying to protect myself.

I mean, you guys don't think this Katherine woman

is a stalker, but, boy, does she fit the profile.

I wanted to, uh, find out more about psychos,

so I went on the Internet.

Where better?

These stalkers have weird habits,

hyper-religious belief systems, spooky rituals.

They latch on to a victim and never let go.

So?

"So"?

So I'm-- I'm at the dry cleaner this morning,

and there she is.

I go to the drugstore later on. There she is again.

So? So?

So don't you think it's a little strange

she's in both places?

Why? You were in both places.

Maybe she thinks you're stalking her.

You know something? You guys are gonna be sorry

when I'm just a bad smell coming from a crawlspace.

Tell you what, let's talk about this over dinner.

Yeah, your compassion is overwhelming.

Oh, damn, look--

I don't believe this.

My life is over.

Woe is Bob.

Yeah. Uh, look, Bob,

I was just locking up.

My wife left me.

I said my wife left me.

All right. All right.

What happened, Bob?

My beautiful wife,

my beloved Tamee,

she cleaned out my bank account

and ran off with my no-good partner, Alan.

Yeah, Bob, we've got a dinner reservation--

Bob can't think about eating at a time like this.

But we're running a little late.

( puffs )

My God, when I met her,

she was a lowly waitress at Friendly's,

but I turned her into the most glamorous broad in Garden City.

And I did it piece by piece.

I took the curves out of her nose and I put them on her hips.

I took the hair off her lip and I gave her a widow's peak.

I got her lipo'd, peeled and tucked.

Pumped, sanded and sucked.

She was hit with more lasers than the starship Enterprise.

And now she's gone.

( clears throat )

Bob, uh, I know you and I don't agree on a lot of things,

but, well, I just want you to know that I feel for you.

I had a girlfriend walk out on me once,

and I gotta tell you, it hurt like hell.

But my biggest regret was that I never went after her.

Don't make the same mistake.

If there's any way you can put this thing back together,

I say you run to her and tell her how much she means to you.

You know, you're right.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Thanks, man.

Hey, that was pretty nice of you, Jake.

Yeah. You think she'll take him back?

Who cares? It got him out of here, didn't it?

Whoa. All right.

Let's eat.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Wow. Wow, what?

Oh, I just caught sight of the dessert tray, that's all.

I'm wearing a really hot dress,

and Becker couldn't control himself.

All right, all right, you're not--

You're not exactly the worst- looking woman in this place.

That honor would go to that one over there.

( clears throat )

So Jake, do you want me to read you the menu?

Nope. John's buying.

Just read me the prices.

( pager beeping ) Oh, hell.

Oh, sorry, I gotta go call my service.

Be right back. Don't--

Don't let him order anything until I get back.

( chuckling )

( gasps )

REGGIE: Oh, my God.

Pretend I'm talking to you, Jake.

You are talking to me.

What's going on?

It's her.

Who?

Becker's stalker.

She's right behind you.

Don't look.

What--? What's she doing?

She's just sitting there.

You know, it's weird.

I mean, maybe she is stalking him.

Sister Mary Katherine, so nice to see you again.

The Monsignor called and said he's going to be late.

Thank you.

Did you hear that?

Heh.

She's not a stalker.

She's a nun.

I went to Catholic school.

He might prefer a stalker.

( chuckling )

Well, that was-- That was Linda calling

to tell me that I don't have any messages.

We really struck gold with that girl, didn't we?

Oh, my God.

I don't believe this.

She's here.

Wait, what is she doing here, moving in for the kill?

There's something you should know about her.

Yeah, well, next thing you know,

she'll be dancing naked on her lawn wearing my skin for a hat.

You know, I'm-- I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Becker, wait-- John, you're wrong about her.

I'm tired of you people telling me how wrong I am.

Let me just ask you this:

who do you think is more qualified to judge the--

The-- The mental health of that psycho than a-a doctor:

a fry cook, or-- Or Timmy Tap-Tap here?

Well, you're absolutely right. Go ahead.

Vaya con Dios.

Why, Dr. Becker, what a pleasant--

Listen, you ditzy little screwball,

I don't care what sick, little, twisted fantasy you have

going on about me,

how God brought us together, but--

I-I beg your pardon? You-- You-- You wanna--

You wanna sit in your dark room all by yourself

lighting candles and burning incense, knock yourself out.

Just don't suck me into your bizarre beliefs

and y-your-- Your twisted little rituals.

Dr. Becker, there's something-- Save it, sister.

You know, it was a Heimlich maneuver, for God's sake.

It wasn't a hug.

I mean, has it been that long since you've been with a man?

I mean, I-- So I saved your life. Big deal.

Find someone else to worship.

Sister, is there a problem?

Uh-- Uh, no, Monsignor. No-- No problem.

Huh?

Mons--? Sister?

Yes, I'm a nun.

I-I don't usually tell people at first

because they tend to treat me with kid gloves.

Obviously, you don't have that problem.

Oh, boy. So, uh, all that kindness crap

was actual...kindness.

Uh,

she's a nun.

Did you--?

Well, I got-- Uh, boy, heh, I gotta tell you,

I-I-- I must seem like a real--

Big ass.

Can she say that?

Well, I didn't say the whole thing.

All right.

Well, that's, uh, fair enough-- Fair enough.

Uh, boy, I'm-- You know, I'm just glad

we straightened this whole thing out.

Uh, hey, good luck-- Good luck.

Uh, go with God. But then--

But then, of course, you already do, don't you?

Of course you do.

That man is crazy.

Hey, no, padre, that--

That's not exactly fair.

I mean, you know, she-- She's not wearing the uniform.

See-- You see, he's got the right idea.

You've got the collar thing going for you.

You're not trying to pass yourself off as a normal person.

Not-- Not--

Not that you're not a normal person.

I think it's-- It's perfectly normal

for a person not to have sex.

I-I myself sometimes don't have sex for, uh...

You know, may-- Maybe this isn't an area that we should get into.

Maybe, uh... KATHERINE: Dr. Becker,

this is very unfortunate.

Why don't we just try to forget this ever happened?

That's a good idea. Thank you. Thank you.

I mean, that's what-- That's what Jesus says

after all, right? I forgive you. You-- You forgive me.

'Cause he doth command it.

Yeah.

Uh, maybe I better just, uh, sit down, you know.

If, uh, anyone chokes, just give a holler.

Come on, give me a break, will you?

I mean, she-- She made snickerdoodles for me.

You know, tell me that wouldn't freak you out.

I, uh-- I was the one who saved her life.

That's what this, uh--

This whole thing's about.

Oh.

Smooth.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )