Original subtitles

Oh, you just cry.

You're just a little crybaby.

That's all you do.

Ahhh.

- Ah, crybaby. - Crybaby.

Shut up!

Minions, we have a problem.

Do any of you bickering geniuses know what that problem is?

We have a recruiting problem.

It has been years since we've had anybody

in the game doing any kind of fucking damage.

Gonna tell me why that is?

To be fair...

When have I ever been fair?

It's tough out there.

What do we do when we go out recruiting?

What do we look for?

Greed.

- And? - Chaos.

Exactly.

- And? - Rage.

This is what I'm talking about!

Rage against everything that is decent

in this fucked up world.

Do we have anybody that'll fit that bill?

The Kardashian sisters.

They're witches!

Succubus.

They can suck a man's soul

and his testosterone right out of his dick.

Look what they did to Bruce.

They couldn't get the juice.

That dude had potentials.

Find a new Jeffrey Dahmer or Bernie Madoff.

I know somebody.

Somebody good.

And what makes him a good one?

He's got all three of our key requirements.

He's a narcissist.

He's Machiavellian-

A psychopath?

A dark triad.

And he wants to be president of the United States,

which could set a new record for chaos.

I like it.

Who are we talking about?

Donald Trump.

What? What's wrong with him?

He's a fucking idiot for number one.

He's perfect.

He has no shame.

Number two,

three, and four.

He's filed for bankruptcy three times.

He's filed Chapter 11, 11 times.

Everything he's touched has turned to shit.

If he didn't have a rich father,

this motherfucker would be working

at Popeye's Chicken selling that fucking sandwich to people.

That's what makes him the perfect candidate.

He wants to be president,

the leader of the free world,

and you , you can make it happen.

And just imagine all the chaos and problems he can cause.

I'm telling you, he's our guy.

If he does to the world

what he's done to all of his companies...

Minions, I think it's time to tune in to human internet.

Do you like what you see, Donald?

I do.

Why don't you come over here?

You know, there's nothing more I love in this world

than a sexy, beautiful woman

or a cheeseburger or money.

You kind of remind me of my daughter, Ivanka.

Whatever you like, Daddy.

Not even I can make this fool president.

You know, there's limits to what I'm capable of, you know?

Ah, you're just being modest.

I'm telling you, this kind of opportunity

only comes up once every half-century or so.

When was the last time you had a candidate

this built for mayhem and suffering?

Ah, Hitler.

But he was genius.

A mad genius, but genius.

Ah, he's so good.

He's got more credits on IMDb than any working actor.

He has his own network.

They call it the History Channel.

Trump is the king of chaos.

You have to admit that.

He does present a unique opportunity

at this particular time.

After Bush and Obama,

America is ripe for a greed, racist-driven collapse.

And Trump just might be our guy

to push the whole fucking thing over the edge, huh?

Yes, Mr. Trump?

Get Michael Cohen in here.

Sit.

I'm not very happy with you.

- Why? - What's going on with Russia?

There's nothing new to report.

There better be something.

I want a Trump Tower in Moscow.

Russia needs a Trump Tower.

It'll give them credibility as a country.

I've run into a little bit of a brick wall.

Nobody's getting back to me.

Well, call Putin directly.

Putin loves me.

Tell him I'm thinking about him,

that we need to get together.

Well, we've reached out to him through third parties

that are connected to him.

And?

Nothing. Silence.

Well, reach out to him again.

- Yes, sir. - You know, two years ago,

Putin disrespected me

at the Miss Universe pageant in Russia.

He said he was gonna show,

he didn't.

Very disrespectful.

So, I need to make this happen.

- Yes, sir. - I'm not hiring you

to be a loser, to make me look like a loser.

Am I?

No, absolutely not. No.

Then get the hell out of here and get it done.

Yes, sir. Absolutely.

I've thought about it.

And you may have a point about this little Trump guy.

Thank you.

So, let's try a little experiment,

shall we?

Ha.

You could concede, you know.

Wouldn't that be easier than facing any more humiliation?

I mean, you're three strokes down on a five par 18.

And I got arthritis in both arms.

I never concede, Rupert.

You know that, right?

Okay.

If you'd rather be beaten by a virtual cripple.

Not gonna happen.

Uh-oh.

See?

If you'd conceded, you could've avoided that.

I'd never show my face in this club again

if I hit a shot like that.

It's an embarrassment to the game.

What happened?

You hooked it, sir.

No shit.

I don't need your help. I can find my own ball.

I'm not here to help.

I'm making sure you don't cheat again.

It's a good thing your real estate game's better

than your golf game, or you'd be penniless.

But think of the bright side, you're three shots down,

so this one's irrelevant.

I'm not three shots down, I'm only one shot down.

Three, Donald.

Don't cheat.

It's unbecoming.

No, give me the three wood.

Are you sure?

If it were me, I'd concede.

This is gonna get ugly.

Let's give him a little help.

See what happens.

He filed for bankruptcy three times.

What?

In your face, Rupert.

We're tied.

If you don't make par, I win.

And I want cash, not a check.

You might be tempted to cancel it.

You choked, Rupert.

You lose.

Pay up.

What did you do?

Sell your soul for that shot?

No, but I would have.

I can't believe he's that easy.

Let's go.

How do you explain that shot?

How do you explain that shot?

I can't.

I agree with Murdoch.

You must've made a deal with the devil.

Who cares?

We won.

Tiffany, get me Tom

- on the line. - Yes, sir.

Tom, it's Don.

Need to make a move.

Big move.

Biggest move ever.

That's really saying something, right?

That's saying something.

What's going on?

Well, I can tell you

the last season of "The Apprentice" is a disaster.

You know what kind of celebrities

NBC has come up with?

Gilbert Gottfried, Lorenzo Lamas, and Kate Gosselin.

Who the hell even knows who Kate Gosselin is?

Lorenzo Lamas, total loser.

And that Gilbert Gottfried, what a weirdo.

I don't even know where he came from.

Some other planet. I don't know.

I thought you said the ratings were okay.

Not anymore.

And I've got even bigger problems.

I'm up to my ass in debt.

Golf courses and the hotels are down business-wise.

I'm getting sued by some idiots

that aren't even smart enough to get into Trump University.

I've got two morons for sons.

Ivanka is married to an idiot

who's running his father's business into the ground.

I need a change, Tom.

What did you have in mind?

I'm running for president.

Tom, is that you?

Are you laughing?

I have a cold.

Can I count on you, Tom?

This is my best advice: Get some other reactions first.

See what people say, then we'll talk.

Good idea.

I knew I was smart calling you first.

I'll get some feedback.

Everyone will be thrilled.

Everyone loves Trump.

I'm running for president, and I'm going to win.

That's very funny.

Good luck, Donald, 'cause you're gonna need it.

Oh, wow.

You're joking, right, Donald?

I never joke. You know that.

I'm serious.

I'm putting you on the speakerphone.

I have to get ready.

Donald, I have to tell you something.

Lots of people voted for you, and you're a fucking midget.

When I was younger, I was a Boy Scout.

Something I'm sure you never learned.

I'm tall. Good on TV.

Great on TV.

You have zero chances

of winning the Republican nomination.

You look like you need a step ladder

just to get up to the screen.

Good workout.

Daddy.

You're running for president?

No way.

Oh, my God. That is so wonderful.

I can't wait to run your campaign.

Over my dead body.

That can be arranged.

Believe me.

We have been bankrupt five times.

Sometimes, I wish I had you lobotomized as a child.

Oh, wait, you were.

Did you hear the big news?

No.

I was shopping all day.

Big news, huge news.

Everyone's very excited.

I've never seen people this excited.

I'm running for president.

You're what?

I'm running for president of the United States.

You are not.

I just told you I was.

No, you are not.

I will not stand for it.

Does that mean you're moving back

to Slovenia with your parents?

That is not funny.

I thought it was.

You frighten me.

This is bad idea.

I oppose.

Since when do you tell me what I can and can't do?

Since you tell me I am the best sex supply you ever have.

Doesn't matter. I'm still running for president.

There's nothing you can do about it.

I'm very upset.

And you know what that means.

No.

You will not be touching my pussy for a long time.

Oh.

Happy now?

Good luck for president.

Thank you for your support.

Love you too.

Big news.

Tiffany, get me Bob Greenblatt on the phone.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Donald.

What can I do for you?

How about what you have not done for me, Bob?

You've not done anything to bring up

the ratings on "Celebrity Apprentice."

You've done nothing to get me better talent.

I mean, I thought last year was bad.

Gary Busey, Meatloaf, and Andrew Dice Clay,

they were the worst.

But this year, Lorenzo Lamas?

Nobody cares about Lorenzo Lamas

except other losers like Lorenzo Lamas.

At least last season, it was exciting to watch Meatloaf

almost rip off Gary Busey's head.

That was fun.

We do the best we can.

The show's been around a long time.

The concept is a little tired.

I'm sick and tired of your bullshit, Bob.

I'm sick and tired of shitty celebrities.

I need a change, and I want out.

I want out, Bob.

I'm sorry to hear that, Donald.

Just out of curiosity, what are you planning to do now?

Besides running my global empire,

besides being the biggest celebrity on TV,

besides being the most handsome man in the world,

a billionaire, and banging some of the hottest,

I mean, one of the hottest women in the world,

you mean, besides all of that, Bob?

We at CBC wish you the best.

And I look forward

to finishing out the season.

With a bang, Bob, a very big bang.

The biggest bang the world's ever heard.

One big bang.

Come on, Donald.

We've known each other for a long time.

Don't leave me hanging out there like that.

What are you planning?

I'm going to run for president.

Bob, are you laughing?

You stop laughing.

I'm gonna get you. You better believe it.

You're done, Bob.

You're done!

Wow.

Whoa.

This is some group of people.

Big crowd.

Thousands.

This is beyond anyone's expectations.

There's never been a crowd like this, and I know why,

because I've never actually announced

that I'm running for president of the United States.

Is this the greatest thing or what?

Unbelievable.

Let me tell you why I'm running.

The US has become a dumping ground

for everyone else's problems.

For example, when Mexico sends its people,

they're not sending their best.

...bringing drugs.

They're bringing crime.

They're bringing rapists.

And some I assume are good people, but who knows?

Everyone knows I have the best golf courses

in the world, right?

The best.

And if I'm elected, I won't have time to play golf.

Our country needs a truly great leader.

North Korea, they call him Kim Jong-un.

Supreme leader.

That's what we need.

A book like "The Art of The Deal."

Have you read it yet?

Wasn't that a great book?

Many people say it's one of the greatest books of all time.

And frankly, some people, smart people,

say it is the best book of all time.

I want you to know I'm using my own money to run.

And that's because I'm really rich.

Constantly making money.

I'm even making money when I sleep.

I will bring it back, bigger, and stronger than ever before.

And we will make America great again.

Doesn't that sound great?

Make America great again.

Everybody likes that.

Who came up with that?

He must have been a genius.

Oh, I guess it was me.

Anyway, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, this is the guy I'm supposed to make president?

I mean, give me a fucking break.

With your help, remember your objectives.

He's a dream come true.

He's an embarrassment

to God's favorite creation, humanity.

I mean, look at him.

He eats fucking Mickey D's all goddamn day long.

He's a walking fucking heart attack.

He probably hasn't taken a shit in a year and a half.

Just saying he's full of shit.

He's hanging out with little Yum Yum.

Chewing bubble gum, having fun, fun.

Press button again, missile go boom.

Missile go boom.

You think I wanna deal

with this fucking shit every day, huh?

No.

I don't like little Yum Yum,

but there's some cute Korean women over there

I'd like to fuck.

Anyway, they eat too much rice.

I like rice.

Reactions among New Yorkers

to Donald Trump's announcement earlier today

that he is running for president

have been swift and crystal clear.

Almost everyone thinks he is joking.

And those who believe him say

they are appalled at the things he said

in the rambling speech that broke the news.

New Yorkers are either amused or offended

by Donald Trump's announcement.

You're kidding, right?

Actually, I'm not.

God help us all.

Why do you say that?

I cannot trust a man who cannot do a proper comb-over.

Is there anything else you'd like to say about his hair?

His hair looks like Christmas past

after the eggnog's been spilled on it.

Thank you.

- Really? - He's a sexist pig.

What kind of woman would vote for a philanderer like him?

What kind of woman do you think would vote for him?

Maybe a stripper or hooker?

I watch on the TV, he call us rapist and drug dealers.

Pea brain.

Log on to the New York Daily News website.

Why? You know, I don't like the Daily News.

Just do it.

Okay.

Unbelievable.

Bullshit.

It's not so bad, Dad.

People love clowns.

Don't they?

I love clowns

and the circus, with cotton candy.

Cotton candy? Circus?

Get this moron out of here

- before I kill him! - Dad, Dad.

Your blood pressure.

Oh, right.

All right.

Right.

Don't be afraid.

Go play.

Even though you're a moron, you know I love you, Eric.

Where were we, Don?

Go back to the news site.

Click on, "See pages four and five."

Okay.

Scroll down.

Scrolling.

Read the tweets.

That's what they're saying about me?

You have to know how the people feel about you.

You know, I don't like talking about feelings.

What do you think, Melania?

What?

Ivanka?

I love you, Daddy.

That's my girl.

What'd I tell you, boss?

He's the king of mayhem and destruction.

What psycho would vote for this son of a bitch?

You can get him all the votes he needs.

If our people turn out-

Our people have this little problem called sanity.

Common sense.

Trust me, boss, this may be the last opportunity you have.

And he's vulnerable now.

He can't tolerate humiliation.

This is our time to move.

Not yet.

Why not?

Number one, things are gonna get a whole lot worse

for our little friend, Trump.

Number two, I don't even know if I can work with this man.

Come on, boss, you worked with Charles Manson.

- Ah. - Richard Nixon?

- Ah. - Hitler.

- I know. - Why the hesitation, then?

Those three gentlemen had one thing in common.

They were smart.

This dude is dumber than dirt.

And dirt don't think.

I don't even know if this guy is controllable.

When was the last time you ran into a genuine dark triad?

Let's just see how things play out.

We got plenty of time.

Hell is forever.

If a guy from Kenya, not even born in the US,

can become president, you can too.

Let's make some orange juice, huh?

Orange man's gonna do it.

Oh.

Suck it up, Don.

Don't be discouraged.

When the going gets tough, you get going.

I deserve the finer things in life.

I'm entitled to a happy existence.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I'm an attractive person.

I'm fun to be with.

What the fuck?

Well, hello there, handsome, Mr. T.

Who the hell are you?

I am Billy J.C.-

♪ Ah ♪

Sunday.

You remember me, man, from your church.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Church.

I've never been to church.

When you came in the goddamn church,

everybody cried 'cause you wore a helmet

and you were orange, man.

You bumped into shit.

We thought you were blind.

- Really? - Really.

Look, I just want you to say these words with me, man.

Look me in the eye.

Say it along with me.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

No wonder you got to buy pussy.

Say the shit again.

Come on. Let's do it together.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I believed that.

That was fucking good.

This is ridiculous.

Am I being punk'd?

Is James Cameron behind this?

Nobody puts Billy J.C.-

♪ Ah ♪

Sunday up to anything.

I'm doing this 'cause I care about you, you orange fuck.

Sure.

Good.

Now thank me.

- Are you kidding? - I'm not!

Fuck you, you little piece of shit, you.

You fucking thank me, boy,

or I'll jump out this fucking window,

and I'll make orange juice out of your fucking ass.

You'll change your name to Sunny D.

Thank me, fucker.

Thank you.

Now remember, everything is gonna be fine.

Everything is gonna be fine.

So, what do you think?

I don't know. You on board?

Oh, most definitely, man.

Now the real fun's about to begin.

Next time I show up,

I'm gonna be a guy named Epstein.

- Mm. - Serving up small children-

On an island called

Fuck 'Em While They On The School Bus.

I used to live there.

- You lived there? - Mm-hm.

- Had a lot of fun? - Mm.

No wonder your name is Shame.

- Thank you. - That's a fucking shame.

- Mm. - Anger, you know what to do.

Come here.

Oh!

May I help you?

I'm here to see Donald Trump.

Do you have an appointment?

No, I don't, but I'm sure he would like to see me.

Why would you think that?

I know that to be a fact.

I'm sorry, but Mr. Trump is very, very busy.

You can leave a business card or a note.

I traveled very far to come and see him.

I must see him.

I will see him.

Please, don't be difficult.

I'm asking you to leave.

I'm sorry.

It's not gonna happen.

So now what?

You're needed at the front desk.

This gentleman needs to be escorted out of the office.

All right, pal, you got to go.

As I was explaining to this beautiful,

vivacious young lady here,

I'm not going anywhere until I see Mr. Trump.

Well, that ain't happening, so take a walk.

I'd advise you to back the fuck up.

Is that right?

That's right.

Either I see Donald Trump

or you going to the hospital with a lot of broken bones.

And I'd really hate to see that happen to anyone.

Am I making myself perfectly clear now?

Please inform Mr. Trump I'm bringing someone up.

Is the temperature to your liking?

I thought you might be a little thirsty.

I'm new at this.

Sorry to barge in like this, but it's very important.

What the hell happened to you?

I told you the pool is for family use only.

Now I've got to drain it again.

I heard he pissed in it.

No offense, but I'd like to have a private conversation

with our next president of these United States.

Do you want me to stay?

You're not here to assassinate me, are you?

Don, hell no.

I'm a huge fan.

Okay. You can go.

But if you hear any gunshots,

you call 911 and you rush right back in here.

So, who are you? What's your story?

You look kind of familiar.

I'm here to help, Don.

Help me how?

Help you become president of the good old US of A.

Make America great again.

You think I need your help?

Motherfucker, you definitely need some help.

So, what kind of help are you gonna give me?

Let's just say I have the power to intervene

in situations like nobody else can.

Is that a threat?

I have a very powerful personal attorney, Michael Cohen.

Maybe you've heard of him.

Absolutely.

He's an idiot.

You know, one day, Don,

he's gonna get you in a shitload of trouble.

What kind of trouble?

He knows all your secrets.

I know, but I trust him with my life.

Exactly.

That's the problem.

Forget Cohen.

Let's talk about you.

Give me an example of the kind of things

you think you can help me with.

Well, do you remember this amazing golf shot

you had playing golf with this little troll shit

of a human being with the last name Murdoch?

How'd you know about that?

That wasn't your shot, Don.

That was my shot.

Or how about the motivational speaker

who likes to float above water

and have wine on Sunday afternoons?

That was me also.

Ha ha ha.

That's funny. What do you think, I'm stupid?

Don't ask me that question.

I'm brutally honest, and the truth always hurts.

What are you? Psychic?

A magician?

Did you come from The Magic Castle?

Let's just say I have a unique

set of skills that you need.

Skills, really?

You know who you're talking to?

I'm like the Wizard of Oz.

All-knowing, all-powerful without the curtain.

Excuse me, Dorothy.

It is precisely for those reasons

you so eloquently just stated

that nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody,

including your family, is gonna believe

you got a chance in hell of becoming the president.

That's it. You're done.

Get out of here.

And what if I refuse?

I'm gonna get my big, strong bodyguard in here.

He's gonna rough you up, throw you out on the street.

I believe that he's got track shoes on.

He's gonna run like the bitch he is.

But fine.

Take my card.

When that one brain cell of yours starts to register sound

in that orange head of yours,

you're gonna realize that you really, really need me.

And at that moment, pick up the phone, call.

I'll be here in a flash.

I could make you president of the United States.

I can guarantee it.

Wait a minute.

If I agree to do this, what do you want in return?

We'll talk about that when the time comes.

But in the meantime,

you're gonna run into a bumpy next couple of weeks.

Will that be you too?

Uh, no.

It's gonna be the media mostly.

Believe me.

Whoa.

Pressure is mounting

on Republican presidential candidate

Donald Trump to release his tax returns.

Even Republican members of Congress are now urging him

to follow the long-held tradition

among candidates seeking the White House.

Last January on NBC's "Meet The Press,"

Trump told host Chuck Todd

that he would be releasing his returns.

Well, we're working on that right now, Chuck.

I have very big returns, as you know, very big returns.

Some of the biggest returns ever,

and I have everything all approved.

Frankly, I have some of the most beautiful tax returns

that anyone has ever seen.

They're like works of art.

Now that Trump has officially declared that he's running,

he's changed his tune a little bit.

Joining me now is one of Donald Trump's biographers.

Tom, you know Donald Trump as well as anybody.

What do you make of his recent vagueness

regarding releasing his tax returns?

Well, first of all, Anderson,

I do know him as well as anybody,

but I know him better than most people.

So, let me just say this first.

Pigs will fly before Donald Trump releases his tax returns.

And why is that?

Well, because then we'll see how corrupt

he's been over these years.

And the American people will see

that he goes to great lengths to avoid paying taxes.

Then why do you think he ever promised

to release them in the first place?

'Cause he's a con artist.

And he knows that the people that support him are stupid.

So, they'll buy his story that he's avoiding

releasing his tax returns

because he's under audit by the IRS, which is not true.

Just another Trump lie.

Fake news.

That's what I'm gonna call it from now on.

Fake news.

Why you call it fake news?

You know it is real news.

You are just making excuses.

Why don't you just read your stupid magazine?

Fine.

I go to my room, and I go to sleep.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Okay.

You win.

Here you go.

I am not in mood tonight.

I have bad headache.

Headache? I just gave you $10,000.

Fine.

You know, you're no different than a hooker.

I don't care.

Do you?

No.

Do you think I marry you because you are charming?

Of course.

- Smart? - Sure.

No.

I marry you to become US citizen, have easy life.

And if I am your prostitute,

you are my John, and you only last one minute.

So now we have sex.

We have to do something

about this tax return thing.

The tax thing?

The press is killing me over this tax return issue.

It's a big surprise, right?

You want my advice?

There needs to be a fire at your accountant's offices.

We could do that?

No doubt about it.

Great. Then make it happen.

- How soon? - Whoa, wait a minute.

Are you nuts?

I was just kidding.

I'm not.

We've got to do something.

I'm not releasing my tax return.

So just say that, just put an end to the speculation.

Great idea.

I mean, who really cares whether I pay my taxes,

whether I don't, right?

What would you do if you were me?

Honestly, I'd drop out of the race.

I think you were out of your fucking mind

to ever announce in the first place

that you were running for president.

Corey?

I'd drop out.

Really? That's the big advice I pay you for?

It's the best I got.

Sorry, boss.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough,

and doggone it, people like me.

I will not drop out of the race.

I will not release my tax returns.

I'm a winner, not a quitter.

Are you in there?

No, I'm not in there, you dumb fuck.

This guy is fucking delusional.

What are you gonna do now, boss?

What I'm really good at.

Turning up the heat.

Dad, you gotta see this.

Oh, I love Forbes.

They love me.

Is it good?

Bad, Dad.

Very, very bad.

Is it the tax thing again?

Worse.

It's about our foundations.

What's the headline?

"How Donald Trump shifted kids' cancer charity money

into his business."

So, what does the article say?

It talks about St. Jude's Hospital golf course tournament

and how my foundation funneled all of the money

back to The Trump Organization.

Read me the worst part.

"All of this seems to defy federal tax rules

"and state laws that ban

self-dealing and misleading donors."

Is that it?

It gets worse.

"The person who specifically commanded

"that the for-profit Trump Organization

"start billing hundreds of thousands of dollars for the use

"of Trump National Golf Club in Westchester County

"to the nonprofit Eric Trump Foundation,

"according to two people directly involved,

"was none other than current

"Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump."

That's definitely the worst part, right?

Let me read this.

"This maneuver would appear to have more in common

"with a drug cartel's money-laundering operation

"than a charity's best-practices textbook."

Forbes said that?

What the hell are you going to do?

What I always do.

Now has anyone ever met a Mexican they can trust?

I don't think so.

That's why they wear these hats.

They can hide your wallet in here,

your jewelry, pretty much anything.

They're dope fiends.

You really You really can't blame them for being thieves.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump

went on an epic anti-Mexican rant

at a campaign rally in Texas tonight.

Again, calling Mexicans rapists and murderers

while wearing a sombrero and serape.

This recent controversy has silenced, at least for now,

reports of fraud at The Eric Trump Foundation

and money laundering at The Trump Organization.

Am I a genius or what?

Attention diverted, mission accomplished.

May I get you something to drink, Mr. Trump?

Not right now, Susan. Thank you.

Whatever you'd like, sir.

Recent reports from Mexico

reveal that Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto

was so outraged by Trump's comments

that he had to be sedated by his personal physician.

Fucking genius.

I mean, who knew he's a real master of distraction?

Maybe he doesn't need me after all.

Oh, he needs you, boss.

You just gotta turn up the heat, and he'll crack.

I miss you so much.

If only you were here now, things would be so different.

Uh, give me a minute.

Come in.

What the hell do you two want?

Turn on the TV.

CSN.

What is it this time?

Just do it.

The federal judge overseeing

the ongoing class-action fraud lawsuit

against the now-defunct Trump University has unsealed

the sworn testimony of a former salesman

for the real estate educational venture.

And his testimony is devastating.

Ronald Schnackenberg testified that, quote,

"While Trump University claimed

"it wanted to help consumers make money in real estate,

"in fact, Trump University was only interested

"in selling every person

"the most expensive seminars they possibly could."

The affidavit concludes, quote,

"Based upon my personal experience and employment,

"I believe that Trump University was a fraudulent scheme,

"and that it preyed upon the elderly and uneducated

"to separate them from their money," end quote.

As you might recall, based upon previous court filings,

despite Trump University's claim

that it offered graduate programs, postgraduate programs,

and even doctoral programs, it wasn't a university at all.

- Really? - It was simply

a private company that claimed

to be selling Trump's secrets to real estate success.

And of course, long before the fraudulent lawsuit was filed,

many people were asking,

"Who would want the real estate secrets of a man

"who had gone bankrupt at least five times?"

Unbelievable.

Other observers are asking

whether the growing Trump University scandal

will be the thing that ends Trump's candidacy

before it even gets going.

And of course, the irony of this news today is that

the judge in the case, US District Judge Gonzalo Curiel,

is a Mexican American.

We all know judges are supposed to be impartial,

but after Trump's sombrero-clad tirade

against the Mexicans last night, who knows?

Maybe this is revenge.

That liberal left-wing bitch.

Now, there was a time I would have banged her,

maybe set her up in a condo and nail her on a regular basis,

she's got nice tits for a broad her age,

but now she's just a disgrace.

I wouldn't touch her with Anderson Cooper's dick.

Dad, you need to do something.

The bad news, day after day, is killing us.

And it's not just your candidacy.

This whole thing is gonna start doing damage

to the Trump brand, to our business.

So, if you're such a genius, what do you have in mind?

I don't know.

And it might already be too late,

but you've got to do something.

No shit, Sherlock.

Bingo.

It's time to go.

How the hell did you get in here?

How the hell do you think, Don?

You flew?

Something like that.

People don't fly.

People don't fly.

Get the hell out of here.

That's just not gonna happen, Don.

We're friends.

You're my dog.

Keith, get in here.

What the hell are you waiting for?

Get his ass out of here.

He's trespassing.

Uh, is he dead?

He's just counting sheep right now.

He'll be fine.

Now, sit down.

Shut up.

Pay attention.

Nobody talks to me that way.

Everybody talks to you that way, Don.

You're just too narcissistic to hear 'em.

Do you know why I'm here?

Because you can fly?

No, because you need me more

than you did the last time I was here.

Yes.

It was just a matter of time

before your dream of getting back at President Obama

for clowning the shit out of you

at that presidential luncheon is all over.

You know, he was really good.

I mean, it was funny.

Talked about your hair and how orange you were, and-

I'm pretty tough.

Nobody's tough enough to go through

the Normandy storm bombing that you do every single day.

Ha ha. You obviously don't know much about me.

I've been dealing with shit storms

since I was a kid in the Military Academy.

I thought you had bone spurs

and paid a doctor a shitload of money

to get you out of the military.

How do you know about that?

I can take your powers of bullshitting, Don,

to a whole new level.

So, show me. Do something.

- A little experiment, huh? - A little experiment.

I don't do experiments.

You're either in, or you're out.

You know, no one out negotiates me, right?

You're correct. You wrote the book on negotiation.

That's right.

So, are you in, or are you out?

- In. - Good.

Okay, listen.

This morning, there was a court hearing in Miami.

One of my painting contractors is suing me for nonpayment

for some job he did at the Trump Hotel.

I need you to fix it for me, is that possible?

Done.

How long will it take?

Watch the TV tonight.

That soon?

I don't waste people's time, especially mine.

So how much is this gonna cost me?

Not a dime. It's on the house.

This one's on me.

Oh, I get it.

You want my soul.

Soul.

Don't worry about that.

We'll get to that when the time comes, Don.

You're not getting my soul.

That's a deal-breaker.

I don't even know if I have a soul,

but if I do, you're not getting it.

You have a soul.

It just hasn't been operational for quite a while.

You're still not getting it.

Fine.

We'll take it slow and easy.

My eyes worked a whole hell of a lot better

when I was first cast down.

The centuries, they pass so fast.

Congratulations, boss.

Here's to you and mayhem.

A toast.

A toast to my minions.

Job well done.

Drink up, celebrate.

Get drunk. You deserve it.

Just like Trump, I don't drink.

Now, who's got the weed?

Roll it up.

In other news,

a Miami painting contractor,

who had just won a 120,000-dollar judgment

against Donald Trump for work done at his local golf resort,

was struck and killed by a speeding car

this afternoon outside his office,

just hours after his court victory

against the Republican presidential candidate.

We have some breaking news

that I think is going to shock a lot of people.

For the first time since announcing

his candidacy just a month ago,

Donald Trump now leads the entire Republican field

of presidential candidates.

That's according to a new poll out tonight

from USA Today and Suffolk University.

What do you say now?

I'm the front runner for the Republican nomination

for president of the United States.

I don't even know what to say.

Of course you don't, idiot.

Shut up and drink your water.

I think is great.

Maybe we can go shopping for celebrate?

There's nothing more you need.

You can take me shopping.

There's lots of things I need.

Of course, pumpkin.

Whatever you want.

This is gonna be great for business.

The Trump brand will be hotter than ever.

Everyone will want in on our deals.

Did you hear that, Eric?

He's the smart one.

He's got the big ideas.

He gets it.

Can you rename the White House,

the "Trump White House" and put a logo on it?

That's not bad.

I kinda like it.

Good idea, Eric.

See, everybody, once in a while,

he comes up with a bright idea.

Makes me think he's not really a retard.

No, I think he's retarded.

So what do you think now, Rupert?

Still think Trump as president is funny?

Yeah.

It's even funnier than the last time you said it.

Piece of shit.

Now, I think that the joke is on

the country and the world.

You know what, Michael?

I think you need some of that growth hormone stuff.

Then, maybe you'll be tall enough to run for president.

In the meantime, you can just be jealous.

Wow.

What a jerk.

God.

Well, surprise, surprise.

So what should I call you?

I've had many names over the centuries.

Luther will do.

You're doing a great job, Luther.

Great job.

I just made an amazing deal.

Smart deal.

You want some chicken?

No GMOs.

Look, Donnie, I just dropped in to say

it's time to step up your game.

You're a master of distraction.

I've never seen anything like it.

You could fuck up, and people think

it's the biggest fuck up ever,

and you've got one bigger and loaded up for the next day.

Distraction after distraction till everybody's just fucked.

I love it.

We got to press the envelope even further,

build the momentum.

I can do momentum.

So this "press the envelope" thing, any ideas?

How about flaming the fire with old John McCain?

Now, that would be fun.

That would be fun.

I can do fun.

Do it.

Mr. Trump, we've polled our readers.

And this is the number one question they'd like to know:

You're famous for applause lines.

And people do love that.

But referring to Mexicans as "rapists"?

Referring to John McCain, a war hero,

five and a half years as a POW, and you call him a "dummy"?

Is that appropriate if you're running for president?

You have to let me speak

because you're interrupting me all the time, okay?

Let's take John McCain.

I'm in Phoenix.

We have a rally that's going to have 500 people

at The Biltmore Hotel.

We get a call from the hotel that it's mayhem,

thousands and thousands of people are showing up

three or four days early.

So we move it to the convention center.

We have 15,000 people, the biggest crowd ever.

Bigger than Bernie Sanders.

And the people who show up

at the event are incredible people

that were wonderful great Americans.

I will tell you, John McCain goes,

"Oh, boy, Trump makes my life difficult."

He had 15,000 crazies show up.

Crazies.

He called you all crazies.

I said, "They aren't crazies.

"They are all great Americans."

He insulted everyone in that room.

So I said, "Somebody should run against John McCain,"

who's been, in my opinion, not so hot.

He ran for president against a black guy from Kenya.

Somebody who wasn't even a real American.

Somebody who's illegal as a candidate, and he lost.

So I didn't like him as much after that

because everyone knows I don't like losers.

But he's a war hero.

He was a war hero because he was captured.

We're just a few hours into a breaking political story

with major implications for 2016.

At a conference of religious conservatives today in Iowa,

Donald Trump said Senator John McCain is not a war hero.

The firestorm has been nearly instant, and it is intense.

Our man on the ground is live in Ames, Iowa,

with reactions from other 2016 candidates,

and also the prospective voters behind him.

A defiant Donald Trump says

he will not apologize for his remarks

about Senator John McCain's military service.

Trump suggested he admires veterans

who were not captured, over POWs, particularly John McCain.

He was a war hero because he was captured.

Former Florida Governor, Jeb Bush, tweeted,

"Enough with the slanderous attacks.

"Senator John McCain and all our veterans, particularly POWs,

"have earned our respect and admiration."

Do you believe this?

Unbelievable.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham tweeted,

"If there was ever any doubt

"that he should not be #GOP standard bearer,

"his growing mountain of stupid statements

"should end all doubt."

Unbelievable.

Cox News.

Ah, I love this network.

It's always full of shit.

I love this. I love this, man.

Man, he's the king of mayhem.

You think shit like that'll get him elected?

He definitely needs to clean up his act.

But once he's elected, he's a dream come true.

I mean, my favorite part

of American history was the Great Depression.

But when this guy Trump gets in the White House,

ah, he could bring down society as we know it.

Mm.

I mean, all he really needs is just a little... coaching.

Got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.

Why's that?

You gave me lousy advice.

What are you trying to do? Sabotage me?

The McCain thing.

Good guess.

I told you to put a little flame to a fire,

not set the whole fucking country ablaze.

Well, next time you give me some advice,

be a little more clear.

I'll give you that.

You're making a big mistake

if you're gonna mess with Trump.

Nobody messes with Trump.

- Really? - Really.

Don't ever forget who's in charge

of this little production.

No offense, but you're the biggest fuck up

I've ever come across.

How'd you ever become rich?

Oh, yeah, your daddy made you rich.

You're daddy's little rich, snotty nose brat.

How dare you talk...

Shut up and listen.

If you're serious about becoming president of the United States,

I suggest you stop fucking up and acting like a lunatic.

I'm counting on you.

To do what?

Make America great again, of course.

Donald Trump has reached another milestone

in his quest for the GOP presidential nomination.

According to a new poll

out this morning from ORC International,

the renegade Republican business tycoon

is at an all-time high

in terms of support from Republican voters.

Yes, this order is very important.

National security.

I want a Trump taco bowl, a Diet Coke,

and two scoops of chocolate ice cream.

Make that three scoops.

Big news this afternoon.

Releasing my big tax plan, biggest tax plan ever.

What's in it?

I have no idea.

My people say it looks terrific.

Tax cut for the middle class?

Ugh.

Maybe. Who knows?

But it's a big tax cut for us.

So you don't know what's in it, then?

Doesn't matter.

As long as it gets rid of the alternative minimum tax

and the estate tax.

That way, it'll save me 30 million a year,

and you billions when I go and you take over.

That's great, Dad.

I am so proud of you.

I'm proud of you too, Don, even you, Eric.

I think I'm gonna cry.

After initially pledging

that he would self-fund his presidential campaign,

Donald Trump raised more than $3.5 million

from individual donors over the last two months.

That's according to documents filed

with the Federal Election Commission.

When asked why Trump has contradicted

his original claim to use his own money,

campaign spokesperson Hope Hicks responded.

Mr. Trump is just responding to the enthusiasm

of ordinary Americans that wish to support him

with their hard-earned money.

America loves Trump.

Look at her, Dave, isn't she fantastic?

Look at those all-American tits.

They're not that big.

Usually, I don't like 'em unless they're monster hooters,

but there's something about her.

Maybe it's that her name is Hope.

Quite frankly, I hope to bang her

before this thing's all over.

That's what we love about you, Donald.

How much money we making on the campaign so far?

You mean, besides using campaign funds for rent here?

Um.

I'm not sure. Why?

Remember I told you I was gonna be

the first candidate ever to make a profit

by running for president?

Now that the cash is flowing in,

we need to maybe figure out a few other ways

to generate some income,

like charging the Secret Service to use golf carts

and gouging the press for everything.

My base loves it when we gouge the press.

It's brilliant.

You're a genius.

Why didn't I think of this?

Very good question.

So, go get me a cheeseburger.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about this Muslim thing.

Muslim thing?

What Muslim thing?

You know what I mean.

No, I don't.

How do you feel about Muslims?

I don't know any Muslims.

I think most people don't like Muslims.

I know my base doesn't.

They think Muslims are terrorists.

Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.

I'm not sure, but I've got to come up with a Muslim plan.

I've talked about it.

Haven't really done anything about it.

I need to come up with a plan

so everyone knows I'm on top of the issues.

Hmm. Before Muslim plan, I'm hungry.

Can we have food?

Do you want Indian or Chinese?

Hello, I'm Gary Ward with "Millennium News."

I'm here at the headquarters

of Republican candidate Donald J. Trump

who's now making his bid for president.

How are you today, Mr. Trump?

Thank you for having me, Gary.

Let's get right to it.

Let's talk about your immigration policies

regarding Muslim Americans.

Now, you've suggested that maybe

we should increase surveillance on these citizens?

As you know, Gary,

France recently declared a state of emergency,

closed their borders,

and ordered searches without warrants

in order to protect their country.

Do you think that we're in a state of emergency?

And should Muslims in this country be subjected

to warrantless searches?

Well, we have to do something.

Last Friday, 130 innocent people, good people,

were massacred in Paris by terrorists.

These people are animals,

and we need to do something to protect

our people in our country.

What are the type of policies that you would have in place

to protect our citizens, as well as our borders?

I'm not sure yet, everything's on the table.

Got to keep our eyes open on all these mosques.

See who's coming, who's going.

Be vigilant and safe.

So, you've also suggested a Muslim registry.

Would that be at the forefront of your policies

on immigration as well?

It's too early to say that,

but, as you know, Gary, in this country, by law,

everyone needs to register their cars,

register their guns and weapons, so why not our Muslims?

Wouldn't that be eerily similar

to what happened to Jewish people in Eastern Europe,

right before World War II?

I can't comment on any decisions that were made

by another administration in World War II. I can only

comment on my campaign for president right now.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Trump, for the interview.

I watched TV last night,

and I saw our president talking about Islamic terrorism

and the recent attacks in Paris.

Didn't know what the hell he was talking about.

He has no idea what's going on,

and he refuses to use the term "radical Islamic terrorism."

Now look,

we all know our current president is not American.

He's from Kenya, okay?

So what the hell should we expect?

Africans have no schools, no food.

They live in mud huts.

So let's give Obama a break,

but I'm telling you, we have to do something

about what I call "the Muslim problem."

And so tonight, I'm announcing that I'm calling

for a total and complete shutdown

of Muslims entering the United States

until our country's representatives can figure out

what the hell is going on.

I mean, let's face it, folks, Muslims are not like us.

They're deranged with all this jihad stuff.

So, we need to keep 'em out of our country.

This guy could single-handedly start a holy war

between the Christians and the Muslims.

Besides not being a very good public speaker,

he could rival Hitler when the time comes.

That's only true if he wins.

You really think he could win?

You doubt me?

No.

We got a long way to go.

But in the immortal words of Dr. Martin Luther King,

"We're gonna get to the Promised Land."

What about, "We have a dream?"

It became a nightmare when I got involved.

Don't doubt this guy.

Don't underestimate our friends.

There's a lot of good shit going on out there.

Let's just sit back and watch it play out.

He is the guy.

This is an interesting development.

It's not your doing?

Vlad has an independent streak, and a lot of great ideas.

I bet you he's got something up his sleeve on this one.

We'll see.

You look so beautiful.

What is it? Come in.

Very good news.

The Russians are on board.

Great.

I knew this would work out.

Putin loves me, loves me.

Frankly, I think he's jealous.

So, what do we do next?

Putin has a whole bunch of the psycho bitch's emails.

When the time is right,

they're gonna release them through WikiLeaks.

Good work, Don.

Let's hope they do it in the right timing.

Timing is everything in life, right, kitten?

You're always right, Daddy.

Doesn't this ever get old?

Never.

I missed you.

I've been watching.

And I have to say, Don, I'm thoroughly impressed.

That was you, made me bulletproof, right?

What can I say?

I'm a man of my word.

I'm kidding!

I'm tanking in the polls.

Who knew?

So, what do you want?

That's a loaded question, isn't it?

I'm sure you didn't fly in here just to chit chat?

Of course not.

So, what do you need?

Election night's in less than a month.

And as of right now, you have zero chance of winning,

even if we could stop you from sabotaging

your stupid ass self,

but everybody knows that's impossible.

Look, Don, if you really want this presidential thing,

I think it's time we solidify our relationship,

if you catch my drift.

I told you before,

any kind of serious pact is off the table.

If you wanna help me, which according to the past,

haven't been helping me that much,

but if you feel like you need to help me

for your own reasons, that's your business.

It's our business.

What are you saying? We're partners?

Well, not as of right now,

but I believe it's time.

Oh, right. The soul thing?

Ah.

Not happening.

I told you, you need me more than I need you.

We need each other.

We have the same goals in mind, Don.

And what is that?

A positive, righteous, resounding victory.

Somehow, you and righteousness

doesn't really sound that great together.

You know, I can say the same thing about you, Donny.

No offense.

You're wasting my time, Luther.

I guess we'll see what happens when election time comes.

In the meantime, get out of here.

No offense.

So that's it?

That's it.

No deal?

No deal.

Okay.

You ever see "The Exorcist"?

Within just hours of the release yesterday

of an audiotape of Donald Trump making lewd comments

about his offensive and possibly illegal treatment of women

to "Access Hollywood" cohost Billy Bush,

his fellow Republicans nationwide

have loudly condemned him,

with a number of them demanding that he step aside

as the GOP candidate for president.

On the tape, first reported by "The Washington Post,"

Trump made shocking statements

that many people now say have destroyed his candidacy

just one month before the election.

You know, Billy, I'm automatically attracted

to beautiful women.

I just start kissing them.

It's like a magnet.

I just kiss.

I don't even wait.

And when you're a star, they let you do it.

You can grab anything.

Grab them by the pussy.

Reaction to Trump's comments

has been swift and unequivocal.

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice

wrote on Facebook, "Enough.

"Donald Trump should not be president.

"He should withdraw."

Republican Utah Senator Mike Lee has also called on Trump

to step down as the GOP nominee.

And House Speaker Paul Ryan

called Trump's remarks reprehensible.

This better be good.

I've just been through hell.

Congratulations, Dad.

You've fucking outdone yourself this time.

Huh?

How come you never told us

it's okay to grab women by the pussy?

That makes it way easier to get laid, right?

What are we gonna do now?

Look, I already made a statement,

regretting all those terrible things

I said over 10 years ago.

The statement was great.

Really great.

The story is getting bigger, not going away.

Maybe you could just say that women

actually like being grabbed by the pussy,

that it's like a caveman thing.

That'd be cool.

Shut up, Eric.

Every time you open your stupid mouth,

I wish you weren't mine.

Wait a minute.

The timing of all this is very suspicious.

I think I know what's happening.

So, put Michael Cohen on 'em.

Have him bring in some of his muscle.

I'm not sure that's gonna work this time.

Muscle always works.

And Michael can fix anything.

That's what you always say, right?

Maybe not this time.

You think you're pretty clever, don't you?

You can't intimidate me.

I'm the one who does the intimidation, okay?!

So good luck with your agitation

and your Beelzebub bullshit!

Fuck you, Luther!

Lucifer, whatever the fuck you wanna call yourself.

There's a reason you're in hell,

and you're gonna fucking stay there!

You got it?!

Just days after an old "Access Hollywood" tape

embroiled Donald Trump in a firestorm,

new allegations of sexual assault are being made

against the Republican presidential candidate.

Among them is a writer for "People" magazine,

who says that Trump sexually assaulted her in 2005

when she went to his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida

to interview him for a profile.

Natasha Stoynoff claims that

after Melania Trump had left the room, Trump, quote,

"Pushed me against the wall

"and stuck his tongue down my throat."

Do you believe her?

What is she? A two?

Maybe a three?

Everyone knows I don't do anything less than an eight,

especially if I'm married.

Stoynoff's accusations are reinforced

by the comments Trump made

to "Access Hollywood" cohost Billy Bush,

in which he clearly said he often kissed women

against their will and grabbed them by their private parts.

Last Sunday evening, after the presidential debate,

I asked Trump whether he ever kissed women

without their permission.

"I have not," Trump insisted.

I always knew your dick would be the end of ya.

You're always jealous because I have more women than you.

That's true.

My sex is consensual.

Not funny.

But true.

Have you seen her show, "The Writer"?

What a joke.

She's a total dog.

Everybody knows I don't do dogs.

Believe me.

Never, ever.

Ever.

Dammit!

Fuck!

You're not gonna break me.

I never lose, ever!

And I'm sure as hell not gonna submit to you.

So, bring it on!

Give it your best shot, bitch.

What the hell happened, Michael?

All these women are coming out of the woodwork.

You said it was taken care of.

I thought it was.

So, what happened?

Look, there are only so many hours in the day.

I mean, I'm focused on the most serious cases

from the most recent past.

I mean, I didn't think they'd go back five or 10 years.

You said this was taken care of.

I'm sorry.

I guess I misspoke.

Well, you better fix this, and fast.

All right, what do you want me to do

about it at this point?

Put your finger in the dyke.

Are you fucking a lesbian?

No, you idiot.

It's an expression.

You've never heard the saying,

"Put your finger in the dyke"?

I don't know, I just...

Whenever I hear that word, dyke, I just, you know?

Sometimes, I think you're stupider than Don Jr.

and Eric put together, if that's even possible.

Now, get the hell out of here and get this taken care of

before I kill you and fire you.

Yes, sir.

Moron.

It's Armageddon time, Luther.

You hear me?!

He can't hold out much longer.

Although I'd have to say

he's a little tougher than I thought he would be to rope in.

But a couple of more real good shots right to the nuts,

and we'll have him right where we want him.

Now, it's time to have some real fun with him.

And hit him where it hurts.

This is Michael.

It's Angelo.

You got a problem in the making.

You need to get on it, like now.

Is this a Trump problem?

A big Trump problem.

What else is new?

What is it this time?

Does the name Stormy Daniels ring a bell?

Like a fucking fire alarm.

- What is it? - She's preparing to go public

about her night with shithead.

I warned him that she was probably

the worst mistake that he has ever made.

Well, pal, you better correct the mistake.

Quick.

Capiche?

Yeah, on it.

This guy's gonna fucking kill me, I swear.

I swear!

- Hey, hey. - Hey.

Mr. Davidson?

You look great.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Come on in.

So, do I call you Mrs. Daniels or Miss Clifford or...

Stormy.

The only people who call me

anything else are my mother and the IRS.

And trust me, you don't wanna be associated with either.

I assume you know about me.

You know, the kinda things I do for people.

Your reputation precedes you.

Well, I know that, sweetie,

but why don't you enlighten me

and tell me how you know that?

We have a mutual friend

who told me that you're responsible

for the deal between Trump

and the "Enquirer" and that Playmate chick?

Karen McDougal.

That's the one.

Yeah. I made her a lot of money.

I'm guessing you want a similar deal?

Not exactly.

I was contacted by Trump's attorney, Michael Cohen?

Never heard of him.

Anyway, in light of Trump's recent,

shall we say, escapades,

I was considering coming forward

about a night of consensual sex I had with him.

Golf tournament, Lake Tahoe, 2006.

Stormy, if the sex was consensual,

what are we even doing here?

Well, 'cause of all the bad publicity

he's received in the last two weeks,

Trump's pretty freaked out that if it got leaked

he had sex with a porn star,

it would be the end of his campaign.

They wanna silence you?

Mm.

With a nondisclosure agreement, I'm guessing?

Now you're catching up.

Okay. We got something to work with.

ND...

So, I'm assuming that you'd rather take the money than...

Than what?

Let the entire world find out that I had sex with that?

Absolutely!

And his attorney has threatened to destroy me.

Well, you think they could actually do that?

Duh.

I'm a porn star.

Well, is this Mr.-

- Cohen. - Cohen.

Has he made any kind of formal offer in writing?

He just said, find an attorney

and have the guy contact him ASAP.

So...

The election is in two weeks.

Hence the "ASAP" part.

So, let's just say that in return

for me getting you the best cash deal that I can get,

are you willing to sign an NDA?

You bet.

And what if we can't make the deal?

Then I go public in a very big

but tiny way.

And why would you say that?

I can describe Trump's dick in perfect detail.

So accurately that Melania and every woman

who's had the unfortunate experience of being with him

will know that I'm telling the truth.

And it's not a pretty picture, if you know what I mean.

I'm trying not to imagine it.

Yeah. I think we're onto something here.

I think, me and you, we see eye to eye.

And, Stormy, I wanna let you know

that I have your best interest right here.

I bet.

130 grand, is that the best deal you could get?

It's 20 grand cheaper than Karen McDougal.

And it's a hell of a lot cheaper

than some of the other broads I've been taking care of.

And let me tell you something, this Miss Daniels,

she's way more dangerous than any of them.

Why is that?

Because she's a porn star, duh.

She's willing to describe your cock, in detail,

to the American public.

Worse than that, directly to Melania.

And then you got a far more expensive problem to deal with.

So, 130 grand, she goes away, with an ironclad NDA?

Guaranteed.

What do you need from me?

You pretend you're a guy named David Dennison,

then you reimburse me after I make the payments.

Why can't I just write her a check now?

No. No, we need to have a cover story, just in case.

And that cover story, if we ever need it,

is that I paid her out of my own pocket.

And then I reimburse you?

Yeah, through small monthly payments,

you know, like a retainer's fee.

Trust me, I do this all the time.

And this can't come back to haunt me?

Never.

Don't mean to interrupt.

I know you're eating dinner, but it's an emergency.

Have a seat.

You want some vodka?

It's the best.

I made it last weekend myself.

Look, I've known you

since you were a youngster in the KGB.

You know by now, I don't drink.

What can I do for you?

Donald Trump.

Our presidential candidate in the US election?

I need to get his attention.

He's a tough guy.

Oh, you kill me every time.

He's a fucking idiot.

A fucking suka.

You can say that again.

But, a useful suka.

Are you going to recruit him, to the team?

I want him to be president

for reasons other than your own.

I want him to be president

because he's not Hillary fucking Clinton.

Hillary Clinton was quite

an intellectual fat booty white bitch.

She would have fucked up my international plans

for world dominance and confusion.

What do you want me to do?

2013, Miss Universe contest.

Prostitutes, golden shower.

Video on Obama's bed.

Precisely.

I like it.

I show my friends.

That's your business.

I thought you said you want him to be president.

I do.

Seems to me you want to destroy him and humiliate him.

Humiliation, unfortunately,

is the only thing this idiot understands.

He has one brain cell, and it's stuck on stupid.

Have you explained to him the benefits?

Benefits, you asked for all of this, you have all of it.

I deliver.

This one's a different kind of a brain.

He's delusional.

He thinks he's worth a trillion fucking dollars.

He's broke on nine continents and there's only seven.

Look, man, the election comes up in less than a month.

I need to close my deal with Trump.

I got the machines.

You make it look good.

You have my word.

Okay.

We work together.

Now, show me the room where this pissing took place.

Yes?

You have a call from a woman

who says you know her.

Does she have a name?

She says she wants that to be a surprise.

I don't like surprises.

Get rid of her.

No problem.

Yes?

She says the call is very important.

At least I think that's what...

You're not sure?

She's hard to understand.

She has a very thick accent.

Accent. What kind of accent?

I'm guessing, but I think she's Russian.

Did she say anything else?

Just that she has a big surprise

for you from your friend, Vladimir.

She wants you to come to see her and her girlfriend

at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel.

Put her through.

Hello, sexy man.

This is Nathalia from Moscow.

You remember me?

Hello, Natalia.

How are you, darling?

I'm very good.

I'm here at the Ritz-Carlton, in Washington, with my friends.

Oh.

Alexandra and Olga.

You remember them too?

Hi.

Of course I remember them.

Who could forget them, yes?

Certainly not you.

Mr. Putin sent us,

and he sent a surprise.

You must come over.

Uh, did he say what kind of surprise it was?

You mean beside us?

Don't play games.

I don't like games.

Do you remember game that we played in Moscow?

Oh.

You must come over, tonight.

Mr. Putin insists.

I'm sorry, ladies.

I can't do this.

No.

Don't you want us to pee-pee on you again?

No!

Didn't I tell you not to hire hookers

to pee in Obama's bed?

But you couldn't just control yourself, as per usual.

I hope you're happy.

I think I know what's going on here,

and it's nothing short of blackmail.

But by Putin? That doesn't make any sense.

He saved your ass by dropping Hillary's emails

after the disaster of the "Access Hollywood" tapes.

I'm not talking about Putin.

All right, well, then, who's blackmailing you?

I can have them taken care of.

Not this time. This is something different.

Then you better wise up and face facts, Donald.

You're gonna lose, and you're gonna lose big.

I never lose.

And I'm not gonna lose now, understand?

Gotta tell you, Luther,

really love what you've done with this place.

Gotta give you credit.

The Russian hookers and their big surprise was a nice touch.

You know, you were a rough nut to crack, Trump.

Just so we're clear, this deal is involuntary.

Quite frankly, it's extortion.

Exactly.

What about the polls?

The bad press?

All the late-night jokes?

Meaningless.

You know, the polls haven't been wrong

in a presidential election since Dewey and Truman.

There's a first time for everything, Donny.

So, what do you need from me?

For starters, I want this inaugural to be dark,

very dark.

I want you to make George W. Bush

and Dick Cheney look like optimists.

Done.

You and I are gonna have a whole lot of fun

once you're on the team.

What about Putin?

Is he on the team?

Putin is one of the star players of this team.

I also got Kim Yum Yum starting at center.

Once you're in that office, sky's the limit.

Anything else?

That's it.

The art of the deal.

The art of the deal.

Welcome to the game.

Take your seat.

Feels good.

Very presidential.

In his first words to the nation and the world

after being sworn in as president of the United States,

Donald Trump, on Friday, delivered a populist manifesto

that depicted the U.S.

as a wasteland of abandoned factories,

economic angst, rising crime, and dystopian carnage.

Reciting a litany of devastating criticisms

of the country, including gangs, drugs,

crime, poverty, and unemployment.

Trump told the nation, "This American carnage

- stops right here." - A demoralizing tirade

left many observers with one single question:

Does Trump really hate America?

I don't think so.

Everything works out in the end.

Plane crash.

Car wreck.

Shoot your mama.

Here's to our greatest accomplishment,

a complete definite dark triad.

How bad can it get?!

Bad.

Very, very, very bad!

Especially if you're Muslim.

As-salamu alaykum.

Or you a Mexican.

Taco, burrito.

Yeah!

Or you's a Jew!

Yeah!

It's all mashugana.

- Yeah! - Or you a negro.

Wells, I don't know.

Or you's a African American.

Well, chronologically speaking.

Yeah!

Or you black!

Hey, dog!

Everybody in trouble is what I'm trying to say.

If you breathing,

your ass gonna get it

with this orange motherfucker that I got!

Now, some more hell.

Keep it coming.

Would you like some dinner, Mr. Trump?

Sounds good.

We have chicken.

Would you like leg, thigh, breast?

Better bring the whole chicken.

You got it.