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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:11,265 HANNAH: Fuck, I'm crushed. MARNIE: No, you're not. 2 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,143 - ADAM: Go, go, go! Down! -I'm telling you... 3 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:15,816 - We're four feet away. -We're so close, Hannah. 4 00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:17,893 - It's crushing me. It's... -Here, move. 5 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,398 - I got it. I got it. -You don't got it. 6 00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:21,276 - Yeah, I do. -You don't need to be a hero about this. 7 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,527 You know what? I trust him. 8 00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:24,279 - If he says he's got it, he's got it. -I got it, just go. 9 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,406 - You got it? -I got it. I so got it. Just leave, leave. 10 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:27,828 Trust. The move of trust. 11 00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,701 Look, there's an ice-cream truck outside. 12 00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:31,532 - Okay, okay. -Go, go. 13 00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,288 - Ow. Are you sure? -Yes, yes, yes. 14 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:34,789 - I'll help you. I'll hold this... -No, no, no. 15 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,415 Just walk away. 16 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,921 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 17 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,019 Gotta get going. I have to pick up the keys from Shoshanna 18 00:00:57,099 --> 00:00:58,225 before she goes to class. 19 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,525 - Stay until the end of the month. -I've already paid rent. 20 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,232 And this way, you've got, like, a month to find a new roommate. 21 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,692 Yeah, but you don't have a plan. 22 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,444 I think maybe that's a good thing for me. 23 00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:11,780 Okay. 24 00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:14,909 I will see you. 25 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,957 - On purpose? -Don't push. 26 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,465 (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) 27 00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:24,088 (ENGINE STARTS) 28 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,767 - HANNAH: That was really intense. -Yeah. 29 00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:33,640 There wasn't even that much shit to move. 30 00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:37,766 No, I mean, like, with Marnie. Like, she's not even angry, I don't think. 31 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,691 She's just, like, really hurt. 32 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,150 Well, how do you feel? 33 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:42,811 Guilty. 34 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:46,364 Don't waste time on guilt, Hannah. 35 00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:49,443 Holding onto toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing. 36 00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,654 You're forming every time you shed a layer, 37 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,205 getting closer to yourself. 38 00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:57,326 I mean, look at this place. It's half empty now, full of potential. 39 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,336 Anything could happen. 40 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,539 - (LAUGHING) - (GROWLING) 41 00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,629 Now Marnie's weird fake grown-up stuff is gone. 42 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:05,709 Maybe I'll move in. 43 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:08,424 Really? 44 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:16,811 I hate today. 45 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:19,140 I hate today so much that I might not even go to class. 46 00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:21,816 - Why? It is so gorgeous outside. -Yeah, I know. 47 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:25,317 It, like, really gives me this uneasy feeling. It's like this certain kind of spring itch. 48 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,817 You know what I mean? I saw three people 49 00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,570 touching tongues outside of my final yesterday. 50 00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:30,154 Like, three couples? 51 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,573 No, three people. 52 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,873 Ugh. I'm sorry you saw that. Um, where's Jessa? 53 00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:38,325 Are you sure it's okay that I'm sleeping in her bed? 54 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,161 Yeah. I don't know. 55 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,086 I haven't heard from her for, like, a full 24/7. 56 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,335 And I'd totally be worried, except she's been texting all the time 57 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,007 and all her junk is still here. 58 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:49,212 Well, thank you for letting me stay here. 59 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:53,349 I'm actually gonna start looking for a new place tomorrow. 60 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,475 Oh, my God. Totally, don't. 61 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:56,843 Don't. Really, don't. 62 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,933 Like, stay as long as you want. Stay forever. 63 00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:00,430 Let's actually... You know what? 64 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,484 Let's just, like, find a place to put this, like, forever. 65 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,060 Okay. 66 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:06,899 Um, right here. 67 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,106 (MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO) 68 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,192 (PHONE CHIMES) 69 00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,030 This book is fucking incredible. 70 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,617 Anything by a British woman is just... 71 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:22,244 Fuck. 72 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,205 Hey, Ray. 73 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,791 I'm really sorry about this, but I'm really not feeling well 74 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:30,548 and I think that I may have to leave early. 75 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:31,628 Why? What's wrong? 76 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:34,716 My throat just feels very kind of, like, allergic and scratchy. 77 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,641 It's like... It's just hotness. 78 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,936 I think it's from this expired Mylanta that I drank. 79 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,053 Hmm. 80 00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:41,684 Expired Mylanta. You don't wanna drink that. 81 00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,440 (CLUCKING) 82 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,560 - Like you know you're gonna get sick? -Expired Mylanta. 83 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,687 Your illness couldn't possibly be related to this text message 84 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,738 I received from Jessa about 20 minutes ago, could it? 85 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,817 "Please come to the most important party of my life. 86 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:57,033 "7:00 p.m. sharp. Dress real nice and come." 87 00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:01,159 Use your head, okay? We're in the same friendship circle. 88 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:04,461 Also, do you really think you've worked here long enough to deserve a reading break? 89 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,751 Well, you know what? No one's here, so I just thought... 90 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,503 Don't just think, okay? 91 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,085 That's an extremely unattractive feature of your generation. 92 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,170 Empty those two pitchers and run home and change. 93 00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:18,759 What in God's name is this party for? 94 00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:22,392 I don't know, but she told me if I didn't come, she'd gut me like a fish. 95 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,056 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 96 00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,436 Fuck. 97 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,688 Oh, my God. It's your one true love. 98 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,736 - Where's his new girlfriend? -I'm fine. 99 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:31,313 I'm in a really good place in my life. 100 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,945 Totally. Everything you own is in trash bags in my kitchen. 101 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,116 CHARLIE: Hey. 102 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,369 - I'll see you in there. -MARNIE: Uh-huh. 103 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,993 - Hey, it's you. -SHOSHANNA: Hi. 104 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,703 He looked at me weird. 105 00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:44,993 See? Today is totally weird. 106 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:47,834 Party. 107 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,665 It's a mystery party. 108 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,423 My shoes match my dress. Kind of. 109 00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,923 - (MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 110 00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,262 This is gonna be an Eyes Wide Shut party. 111 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,051 Getting that vibe. 112 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:02,977 WOMAN: Whose party are you here with? 113 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,306 ADAM: I don't know. It's a secret party. 114 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:06,640 Oh, wait. He's with me. 115 00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:09,480 She's being very elitist and cruel. 116 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,273 HANNAH: Just get up here. 117 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:12,733 I can see up your dress. 118 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,234 My name was on that paper. 119 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,444 Adam Sackler was on that paper. 120 00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,246 You look very beautiful. 121 00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:23,907 Thank you. You look very dapper. 122 00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:27,168 Not one, but two plaids. (CLICKS TONGUE) 123 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,079 Hey, how's it going? 124 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,504 Hello. 125 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,632 Hello, everyone. 126 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,047 Is this thing on? (LAUGHING) 127 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,503 - (CROWD STOPS TALKING) - (MUSIC STOPS) 128 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:39,089 I'm just kidding. I don't... I have no thing. 129 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,517 I'm sure you're all wondering what you're doing here 130 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,686 or who you're going to be doing it with. 131 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:45,762 (LAUGHS) 132 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:48,853 Boys and girls, this is a mystery party. 133 00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:54,610 And I think we can all agree that the greatest mystery in this life is love. 134 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,773 (CROWD MURMURING) 135 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:57,983 So... 136 00:05:58,275 --> 00:05:59,527 That was when the music was supposed to start. 137 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:02,203 - Cue the music. - (MAGIC PLAYING) 138 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,280 There we go. 139 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,463 Hey. 140 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,126 Oh, my God. 141 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,552 Oh, my God, that's Thomas-John. 142 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,801 That's the guy that tried to have a three-way with me and Jessa. 143 00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:22,966 What's happening? 144 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:30,561 (CROWD GASPING) 145 00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,440 Dude, if I didn't know any better... 146 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,026 I think she's getting married. 147 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,827 She's not getting married. 148 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,322 As some of you may have already guessed, 149 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,162 - we're getting married. - We are. 150 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:49,993 (CROWD CHEERING) 151 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:53,998 (SHUSHING) 152 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:57,296 - Can you please hold the... -Thank you. 153 00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:58,376 - (SLAPS) - Ow. 154 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,303 - Hi. -Hi. 155 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:06,722 Jessa. 156 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:09,600 The first night we met, truthfully, 157 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:13,983 I thought that we were gonna have a threesome with your friend Marnie. 158 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,107 What's up, Marnie? 159 00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,281 But we didn't do that. 160 00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:22,067 When you left my house that night, 161 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:25,199 I felt more energized than I had for years. 162 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,198 I thought to myself 163 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:32,453 that if I ever saw that crazy bitch again, I would make her my fucking wife. 164 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:33,536 (LAUGHS) 165 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,252 - MAN: All right! -(CROWD CHEERING) 166 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,753 WOMAN: Whoo! MAN: Ow! 167 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,884 WOMAN 2: Yeah, man! WOMAN 3: All right! 168 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,171 I wore white. 169 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,721 What? 170 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:47,175 I wore white to her wedding. 171 00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:50,728 I wore white because how could I have known? 172 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:53,557 Because nobody told me. 173 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,226 Well, yeah, it's a surprise wedding. 174 00:07:56,518 --> 00:08:00,898 Thomas-John, when you came to my house with flowers, 175 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:05,072 I was prepared to call the Special Victims Unit. 176 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,698 - (LAUGHING) - WOMAN: Yeah! 177 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:09,156 Not only did I find you very creepy, 178 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:12,496 but I found you also really boring. 179 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,837 You are. You're boring. 180 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,505 (LAUGHTER) 181 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:20,379 But for some reason, I agreed to have dinner with you. 182 00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:25,882 And you asked to move tables twice and I was even more revolted. 183 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:26,965 (LAUGHS) 184 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,642 Then you started talking about what you did, 185 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,062 about travel and finance, 186 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:36,809 and I thought, "This man's brilliant in a way that I have never known." 187 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,442 Thank you. 188 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:43,448 I appreciate your adventurous spirit, 189 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,697 your desire to learn, 190 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,280 and everything you don't know about. 191 00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,535 (LAUGHTER) 192 00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,161 Yeah? 193 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,702 It's a positive. 194 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,795 - Shit. -I know. 195 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,295 I love you. 196 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,625 Are you okay? 197 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:03,635 I'm very moved. 198 00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,425 - You are? -Yeah. 199 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,057 People finding each other... 200 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,179 - I love you! -I love you! 201 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,306 ...taking shelter. I'm very moved. 202 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,771 But they just met, like, two weeks ago. 203 00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:17,936 Time is a rubber band. 204 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,191 THADD: And now with the power vested in me, 205 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,485 by a website that I found on the Internet, 206 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,032 (LAUGHTER) 207 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,030 I now pronounce you man and wife. 208 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,365 Ahh! 209 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,570 You may kiss the bride. 210 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,873 Free the bird. 211 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,290 - WOMEN: Aw. -(CROWD CHEERING) 212 00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:51,599 - Is it garter time? -No. 213 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,347 - No. -Oh, come on, please! 214 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,770 - Oh, fuck it. -Oh, boy. 215 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:58,439 Your dreams are not what you thought they'd be. 216 00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,063 WOMAN: Whoo-hoo! 217 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,611 All right, everybody, let's fucking cork it out! 218 00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,233 - Aah! -Whoo! 219 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,532 (YANKIN PLAYING) 220 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,702 Oh, shit! 221 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,231 (CROWD CHEERING) 222 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,146 JESSA: I love you. 223 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:46,192 You're so fucking gross, lying there on the bathroom floor. 224 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:48,569 I can't believe you're married. 225 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:51,109 I mean, I never expected that. 226 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:54,116 Not that I know what to expect from you, but I did not expect that. 227 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,697 You don't think I'm crazy? 228 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,075 I don't think you're crazy. I mean, I think it's fast. 229 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,744 Maybe I'm crazy. 230 00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:04,835 Maybe I am, but fuck, Hannah, I have never been this happy. 231 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,008 I feel like I'm sleeping in a rosebud. 232 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,343 I'm so gone on this man. 233 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,509 But, like, how can you be so sure about something like that? 234 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:15,434 Like, Adam wants to move in with me and I can't even tell if that's good or bad. 235 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,768 Like, do you feel like a real adult now? 236 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,973 Mmm... 237 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:22,853 Yeah. Kinda. 238 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:24,817 Thank you. 239 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:26,902 Elijah. 240 00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,360 Hi, J.Lo at the Grammys. 241 00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:31,232 (SIGHS) 242 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,195 You know, I'd really like to put our past behind us 243 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:36,951 and I hope you find what you're looking for. 244 00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:40,371 (HUFFS) 245 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:44,205 All right, everyone, for the grooviest portion of the evening, 246 00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:48,212 please join us outside for their first dance as man and wife. 247 00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:50,385 Jessa and Thomas-John. 248 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,170 (CROWD CHEERING) 249 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:54,097 - Do they need us for that? -Yeah. 250 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,140 - They need you for that. -They need me. 251 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,258 I can do it. I can do it. 252 00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:58,468 - No. -Okay. 253 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,353 - All right, that's fine. -I love you. 254 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:05,399 - Yeah. -I love you. 255 00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,569 THADD: This is gonna be your life from now on. 256 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,822 Come into my arms, Rapunzel. 257 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,944 (MUSIC PLAYING) 258 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,784 THOMAS-JOHN: This is amazing. I feel so alive. 259 00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:25,750 You're wearing a halo. You're wearing a halo right now. 260 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:31,626 (SLURPS) 261 00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,086 Enjoying yourself? 262 00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:34,837 Yeah, actually. 263 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,389 Not too much. Don't worry. 264 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,348 Where is Audrey? 265 00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,093 She's in Santa Fe. 266 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,928 She's blogging from a tortilla soup contest. 267 00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:44,813 It's not a joke. 268 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:47,187 I had not laughed about it yet. 269 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,519 No, actually, I've read her blog. 270 00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,404 She's a really good writer. 271 00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:53,694 And I like all of her ironic T-shirts. 272 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:56,033 Of course, I like them unironically. 273 00:12:58,194 --> 00:12:59,366 So, what do... 274 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:02,165 - What do people even do at weddings? -(SNIFFS) 275 00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:08,212 We should just, like, go fuck in the bathroom. 276 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:11,708 Yeah, totally. 277 00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,760 I'll just sit on the sink and you can fuck me really quickly. 278 00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:17,885 Hard, and I'll just cover your mouth so you don't make any noise. 279 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:20,308 Yeah, and then I'll, like, turn on the faucet by accident with my ass. 280 00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:22,727 And then we'll come out here and we'll eat some dessert, 281 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,896 and then we'll just like, wink at each other from across the room. 282 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:28,066 We should just forget about all of our troubles and go fuck somewhere. 283 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:30,731 Okay, great. 284 00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:34,531 (LAUGHS) Wait. You're... You're joking, right? 285 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,158 Yeah, totally. 286 00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:39,486 - Okay. -Totally. 287 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,072 You really had me there. That was... That was weird. 288 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,782 Oh, no. No, no, no. Yeah, I was joking. 289 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,835 -'Cause you were joking, right? -Yeah. Yes, I was. 290 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:48,744 Yeah. 291 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:51,752 Enjoying yourself? 292 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:53,834 I don't wanna dance. 293 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:55,919 No, me neither. 294 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:57,674 It's a big pet peeve, actually. 295 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,427 People touching as they sway. 296 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:00,841 It's very annoying. 297 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:05,144 - No, I love dancing, but I'm really upset. -Oh, yeah. 298 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,104 What's wrong? 299 00:14:07,597 --> 00:14:09,520 It's personal. I can't explain it. 300 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:11,442 Give it a whirl. 301 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:12,935 Okay. 302 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:15,150 Everyone's a dumb whore. 303 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,118 I can hardly stop thinking about you since the night we met. 304 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,783 You are the strangest person. 305 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:27,705 You're just... You're so... You're so raw and open. 306 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,128 You vibrate on a very strange frequency. 307 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,296 Are you punking me? 308 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,135 It's very confusing for me, too. 309 00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,014 I wanna go home with you. 310 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,018 Tonight. 311 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:50,894 Fine. 312 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,401 Fine. 313 00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,314 Just stay out of my emotional way. 314 00:14:58,815 --> 00:14:59,941 Fine. 315 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:04,454 See? I'm even fucking better at slow dancing than I am at fast dancing. 316 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:05,826 I have an amazing move that I do to this song. 317 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,407 - You wanna see? -Yeah. 318 00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:17,212 This is how Beyoncé does it in the video. And then she's like... 319 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,005 And then she's like... 320 00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,174 Jesus Christ, kid. 321 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:22,843 Save your strength. 322 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:25,016 We're in it for the long haul. 323 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,000 Hannah. 324 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,288 - Hi. Hey. -Hi. Hi. 325 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,873 - You look great. -(MUFFLED) Oh, thank you. 326 00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:58,040 Um... 327 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,460 Look, I just wanted to say that I... 328 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:02,921 I did give you HPV. 329 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:07,600 After we talked, I kind of waded through my sexual history 330 00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:12,476 and Rachel Dusetik absolutely has it. 331 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,725 Oh, my God. Okay, I knew it was her, 332 00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,314 'cause that girl wears floral capris like her hymen's still intact, 333 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,191 but she was such a slut in such a big way. 334 00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:22,649 In a huge way. She used to do this thing where she would literally rip the condom off. 335 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,609 - Like... -Fuckin' redheads. 336 00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:26,820 - I know, right? Redheads. -Seriously. 337 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,155 - Crazy. -(SIGHS) 338 00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,243 Please forgive me. 339 00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:32,199 Oh, come on. 340 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:34,035 - You know, everyone has it. -Right? 341 00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:37,088 Let's just consider it water under my vagina. 342 00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:38,665 (LAUGHS) 343 00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:39,715 - Honey. -Hi. 344 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:42,794 Have you seen these petit fours? I would fuck these petit fours. 345 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:45,380 Oh, Hannah, this is George. 346 00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:48,307 - George, this is Hannah. -Hi. Nice to meet you. 347 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:49,634 - Oh, Hannah! -Yes. 348 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:50,809 - Hannah? -Yes. 349 00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:52,853 - The straw that broke the camel's back? -Yeah. 350 00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:55,307 - She does not look like Camryn Manheim. -Honey. 351 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,859 So are you two, like, living together now? 352 00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,858 - Oh, no. -No, no, no. 353 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:04,692 I wish, but we have to wait till Templeton's graduated. 354 00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:08,995 Yes, Templeton is George's son, and he's extremely homophobic. 355 00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:10,738 - Wow. -GEORGE: Very hard. 356 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:14,871 So I've been living in an SRO since I left Beau, which is an apartment where you share 357 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,374 - a bathroom with... - Everyone on your floor. 358 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,832 It's like murderers and, like, junkies and girls who huff. 359 00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:22,542 - Like... -That is awful. 360 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:23,968 It's not great. 361 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:29,266 Well, you know, you're in luck because I actually need a roommate. 362 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,680 Oh, I mean, that would be great. 363 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:33,765 - Can we do this? -Oy, sounds like kismet. 364 00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:35,312 And you know what? We would have so much fun. 365 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,106 - We both have HPV already. -I know, right? 366 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,104 - We don't have to worry about that. -So, that awkward thing's off the table. 367 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,230 - Yeah, right? -Yeah. 368 00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:41,982 - You both have what? -HPV. 369 00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,196 - What is that? -Human papillomavirus. 370 00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:45,569 ELIJAH: It's... You know, it's like that thing. 371 00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:46,740 A sexually transmitted disease. 372 00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,614 - Yeah, but for girls. -That he gave me. 373 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,287 You've got it, too, now. 374 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,786 Look, we can discuss this in a... 375 00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:57,831 He seems great. 376 00:17:57,994 --> 00:18:00,088 I know, right? And rich as fuck. 377 00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,799 Why are you even trying? You hate sweet stuff. 378 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:09,300 - (LAUGHING) - Hi. 379 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:11,591 So you don't have to worry. 380 00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:14,393 - About what? -About moving in, because I found someone. 381 00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,304 You found someone. 382 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,982 It's gonna sound crazy, but it's Elijah. 383 00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,606 And he's moving in next week, so if you felt obligated, don't. 384 00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:25,609 Also, he just told me he's getting certified in Alexander Technique, 385 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,487 which is literally the gayest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. 386 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,612 If you didn't like the idea, why didn't you say so? 387 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:34,538 No, it's... You know, I thought you were trying to help and I appreciate it... 388 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,207 Help? I don't wanna help. 389 00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,288 No one does anything 'cause they wanna help. 390 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,085 I was doing it because I love you. 391 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,085 Oh. 392 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:46,046 Why do you look so surprised? 393 00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:50,304 No, it's just, like, you know, I just didn't think you were into that. 394 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,006 Into what? Love? 395 00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:56,139 No, I just... You know, I associate that with, like, Marnie and Charlie 396 00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:58,846 and people starting to talk a lot about their relationship, you know? 397 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,273 It's like, "My relationship is doing really well right now." 398 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,443 Or "I need to work on some aspects of my relationship." 399 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,440 And it's just like, your relationship is not a thing. 400 00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:06,987 Your relationship is not an achievement. 401 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,158 I've got actual things I would like to achieve before I focus on, like, that. 402 00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:11,700 And you can't achieve those things with me? 403 00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:15,329 No, it's... It's not that. 404 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,998 Don't you feel like sometimes you and I distract each other from 405 00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:19,451 the other stuff that we have going on... 406 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,537 Okay, I don't wanna flip out on you right now at a surprise wedding. 407 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:24,998 If you wanna fuck me from behind, at least pull my hair back. 408 00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:26,173 Adam. 409 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,837 THADD: Excuse me! 410 00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,590 Coming through. All right. 411 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,216 Lady with a baby. Look out. 412 00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:35,641 Ladles and gentlebeans, attention. 413 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,760 What's that, tiny Jessa? 414 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,187 - (LAUGHTER) - "It's cakey time"? 415 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:45,518 "Cakey time." Is it just me, or is he adorable? 416 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:48,605 - Are you okay? -I don't know. 417 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,281 THADD: She gave birth to those cakes. 418 00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,617 - Aah! -(CROWD CHEERING) 419 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:56,449 - Hey. What's up, man? -Hey, dickhead. 420 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,907 - Fuck you. -Well, so what do we do? 421 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,455 - Oh, we gotta cut it. -Of course. 422 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,207 Oh, my God, it's perfect. 423 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:05,128 - Yeah, it fucking cost enough. -(LAUGHING) 424 00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:07,714 - You ready, baby? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ready. 425 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,713 Is this what... This is what makes it official? 426 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,009 (LAUGHS) 427 00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:14,012 - Wait! -(LAUGHTER) 428 00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:18,300 THOMAS-JOHN: Thadd, you prick. THADD: I'm kidding. 429 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:19,976 - THOMAS-JOHN: Fuck you! -(LAUGHTER) 430 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,306 (LAUGHING) 431 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:26,313 Uh! 432 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:27,859 CROWD: Bye! 433 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,813 - Bye! -JESSA: Thank you. 434 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,021 Bye! 435 00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:36,323 Yo! 436 00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,164 Why are you so mad at me? 437 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,581 I brought you cake, so even if you don't like sweet stuff, it's amazing... 438 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:51,293 You love yourself so much. So why is it so crazy that someone else would, too? 439 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,339 I don't love myself. 440 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,387 You're the fucking worst, you know that? 441 00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:56,589 Because you think you're not pretty 442 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,766 and you're not a good writer and you're not a good friend. 443 00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:02,186 Well, you are pretty and you are a good writer and you are a good friend. 444 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:06,106 Thank you. 445 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:07,399 Is this the game? 446 00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,523 You chase me like I'm the fucking Beatles for six months, 447 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,855 and then I finally get comfortable and you shrug? 448 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:15,942 What the fuck is wrong with you? 449 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,069 I'm scared, okay? 450 00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:21,405 I'm really scared all the time. 451 00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:23,207 I'm, like, very scared all the time. 452 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,454 Join the fucking club. 453 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:30,456 No, because I'm more scared than most people are when they say that they're scared. 454 00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,382 I'm like the most scared person who's alive. 455 00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:34,210 Well, you don't have the right to be! 456 00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:39,466 I told you once I commit to something, I really fucking commit! 457 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,721 You asked for this! 458 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,553 And now you're being a fucking bitch. 459 00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:47,060 Adam, come on, okay? 460 00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:48,182 You're scared. 461 00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,268 I'm looking at you. I know you're scared. 462 00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:52,069 You're acting like you're not, but you are. 463 00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:53,980 I know you now. We've been doing this for a while. 464 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,110 - I know you now. -Stop, stop. 465 00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:56,486 You don't know me. 466 00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:57,987 You don't know shit about me. 467 00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,068 (HORN BLARES) 468 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:00,323 Get out of the street! 469 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,075 You don't know me and you don't know yourself. 470 00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:05,704 You think because you're, what, 11 pounds overweight, you know struggle? 471 00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:09,538 I am 13 pounds overweight and it has been awful for me my whole life! 472 00:22:09,620 --> 00:22:10,917 Holy fuckin' shit! 473 00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:15,502 Here's the world's smallest, tiny violin playing My Heart Bleeds For You. 474 00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:18,049 Fuck you! You don't know struggle. 475 00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,006 I'm a beautiful fucking mystery to you. 476 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:21,757 No! 477 00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:24,351 Fuck! 478 00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:29,978 Hey there. Nice work. 479 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,023 Yeah, well, she kind of threw it at me, but thank you. 480 00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:37,319 Yeah. I mean, a girl like you doesn't exactly need a bouquet. 481 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,525 Why don't you pick on someone your own size? 482 00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,952 - (SNICKERS) - That was dumb. 483 00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,162 Oh, God. 484 00:22:44,405 --> 00:22:46,032 - Is this party really over? -I know. 485 00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:48,785 - I was just getting started. -Seriously. 486 00:22:48,993 --> 00:22:50,336 The night is young. 487 00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:52,746 But, I mean, you probably have someplace to be. 488 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,586 You'd be surprised. 489 00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:01,972 - I can't stop. Oh, you're just going for it, huh? - Mmm-hmm. 490 00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:03,716 I think I just fell in love. 491 00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:04,891 - (MUMBLES) Really? - A little bit. 492 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:08,933 You look beautiful. 493 00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,311 I think some cake just went in my cleavage. 494 00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:14,234 I'm not gonna look, because that would not be gentlemanly. 495 00:23:14,310 --> 00:23:16,654 Would it be... Although, helping would be... 496 00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:18,067 I'd like you to help. 497 00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:20,825 That looks awesome. I'd like to go there. 498 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,947 Someday. 499 00:23:27,156 --> 00:23:28,783 Man, I am not good at this. 500 00:23:29,325 --> 00:23:30,622 I didn't mean to be so forward. 501 00:23:45,466 --> 00:23:46,809 SHOSHANNA: It doesn't hurt. 502 00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:51,055 Well, good, because I haven't done anything yet. 503 00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:53,394 (SOFTLY) Right. 504 00:23:57,853 --> 00:24:00,857 My aunt says that it kind of feels like scratching a sunburn. 505 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:03,867 Okay. 506 00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:10,916 I know you hate virgins. 507 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:13,285 You totally hate virgins. You totally lied to me. 508 00:24:13,369 --> 00:24:14,746 - You hate me so much. -No. 509 00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,080 You totally lied about liking me. 510 00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:18,291 - You don't like me at all. -(SHUSHING) It's not that at all, okay? 511 00:24:18,374 --> 00:24:20,923 It's not that. It's just... (SIGHS) 512 00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:23,675 It just occurred to me, you know, that... 513 00:24:24,046 --> 00:24:26,515 You know, you've never done it before, 514 00:24:28,050 --> 00:24:31,304 and thusly, I am teaching you how it's done. 515 00:24:32,513 --> 00:24:35,892 And, you know, that's a lot of power, which I don't know if I deserve. 516 00:24:37,851 --> 00:24:38,943 Okay. 517 00:24:39,937 --> 00:24:41,610 But I probably do. 518 00:24:44,149 --> 00:24:45,651 HANNAH: I think he has a concussion. 519 00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:47,532 Wish I had a fucking concussion. 520 00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:49,780 No, no. 521 00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:52,161 - Family only, right? Family only? -EMT: Yeah. 522 00:24:52,241 --> 00:24:54,084 Oh, sorry, family only. You're not my fucking family. 523 00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,161 Adam, I'm coming with you. 524 00:24:56,245 --> 00:24:58,668 - Adam! Adam! -Don't let her in here. She's a monster. 525 00:24:58,747 --> 00:24:59,919 Adam! 526 00:24:59,999 --> 00:25:01,546 (SIREN WAILING) 527 00:25:25,065 --> 00:25:26,942 (MAN CHATTERING ON PA) 528 00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:40,558 (WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY) 529 00:26:42,142 --> 00:26:44,110 - Excuse me? -WOMAN: Whose attitude? 530 00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,821 - Where am I? -(WOMEN LAUGH) 531 00:26:46,897 --> 00:26:49,320 - No, she didn't. -Are you serious? 532 00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:51,618 - Are you serious right now? -You're in heaven. 533 00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:53,036 (LAUGHTER) 534 00:26:53,570 --> 00:26:55,664 - You're in la la land. -You're in fuckin' heaven. 535 00:26:56,532 --> 00:26:58,034 - (WOMAN VOCALIZING) - Welcome to heaven. 536 00:26:58,242 --> 00:27:00,540 Has she got a green belt on or am I tweakin'? 537 00:27:01,703 --> 00:27:03,956 (INDISTINCT TALKING CONTINUES) 538 00:27:17,261 --> 00:27:19,059 (SEAGULLS SCREECHING) 539 00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:44,793 (SEAGULLS SCREECHING) 540 00:27:44,872 --> 00:27:46,465 (WAVES CRASHING) 541 00:28:27,164 --> 00:28:29,417 (BALLAD PLAYING)40166

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