Original subtitles

HANNAH: Fuck, I'm crushed. MARNIE: No, you're not.

- ADAM: Go, go, go! Down! -I'm telling you...

- We're four feet away. -We're so close, Hannah.

- It's crushing me. It's... -Here, move.

- I got it. I got it. -You don't got it.

- Yeah, I do. -You don't need to be a hero about this.

You know what? I trust him.

- If he says he's got it, he's got it. -I got it, just go.

- You got it? -I got it. I so got it. Just leave, leave.

Trust. The move of trust.

Look, there's an ice-cream truck outside.

- Okay, okay. -Go, go.

- Ow. Are you sure? -Yes, yes, yes.

- I'll help you. I'll hold this... -No, no, no.

Just walk away.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Gotta get going. I have to pick up the keys from Shoshanna

before she goes to class.

- Stay until the end of the month. -I've already paid rent.

And this way, you've got, like, a month to find a new roommate.

Yeah, but you don't have a plan.

I think maybe that's a good thing for me.

Okay.

I will see you.

- On purpose? -Don't push.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(ENGINE STARTS)

- HANNAH: That was really intense. -Yeah.

There wasn't even that much shit to move.

No, I mean, like, with Marnie. Like, she's not even angry, I don't think.

She's just, like, really hurt.

Well, how do you feel?

Guilty.

Don't waste time on guilt, Hannah.

Holding onto toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing.

You're forming every time you shed a layer,

getting closer to yourself.

I mean, look at this place. It's half empty now, full of potential.

Anything could happen.

- (LAUGHING) - (GROWLING)

Now Marnie's weird fake grown-up stuff is gone.

Maybe I'll move in.

Really?

I hate today.

I hate today so much that I might not even go to class.

- Why? It is so gorgeous outside. -Yeah, I know.

It, like, really gives me this uneasy feeling. It's like this certain kind of spring itch.

You know what I mean? I saw three people

touching tongues outside of my final yesterday.

Like, three couples?

No, three people.

Ugh. I'm sorry you saw that. Um, where's Jessa?

Are you sure it's okay that I'm sleeping in her bed?

Yeah. I don't know.

I haven't heard from her for, like, a full 24/7.

And I'd totally be worried, except she's been texting all the time

and all her junk is still here.

Well, thank you for letting me stay here.

I'm actually gonna start looking for a new place tomorrow.

Oh, my God. Totally, don't.

Don't. Really, don't.

Like, stay as long as you want. Stay forever.

Let's actually... You know what?

Let's just, like, find a place to put this, like, forever.

Okay.

Um, right here.

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)

(PHONE CHIMES)

This book is fucking incredible.

Anything by a British woman is just...

Fuck.

Hey, Ray.

I'm really sorry about this, but I'm really not feeling well

and I think that I may have to leave early.

Why? What's wrong?

My throat just feels very kind of, like, allergic and scratchy.

It's like... It's just hotness.

I think it's from this expired Mylanta that I drank.

Hmm.

Expired Mylanta. You don't wanna drink that.

(CLUCKING)

- Like you know you're gonna get sick? -Expired Mylanta.

Your illness couldn't possibly be related to this text message

I received from Jessa about 20 minutes ago, could it?

"Please come to the most important party of my life.

"7:00 p.m. sharp. Dress real nice and come."

Use your head, okay? We're in the same friendship circle.

Also, do you really think you've worked here long enough to deserve a reading break?

Well, you know what? No one's here, so I just thought...

Don't just think, okay?

That's an extremely unattractive feature of your generation.

Empty those two pitchers and run home and change.

What in God's name is this party for?

I don't know, but she told me if I didn't come, she'd gut me like a fish.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Fuck.

Oh, my God. It's your one true love.

- Where's his new girlfriend? -I'm fine.

I'm in a really good place in my life.

Totally. Everything you own is in trash bags in my kitchen.

CHARLIE: Hey.

- I'll see you in there. -MARNIE: Uh-huh.

- Hey, it's you. -SHOSHANNA: Hi.

He looked at me weird.

See? Today is totally weird.

Party.

It's a mystery party.

My shoes match my dress. Kind of.

- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

This is gonna be an Eyes Wide Shut party.

Getting that vibe.

WOMAN: Whose party are you here with?

ADAM: I don't know. It's a secret party.

Oh, wait. He's with me.

She's being very elitist and cruel.

HANNAH: Just get up here.

I can see up your dress.

My name was on that paper.

Adam Sackler was on that paper.

You look very beautiful.

Thank you. You look very dapper.

Not one, but two plaids. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Hey, how's it going?

Hello.

Hello, everyone.

Is this thing on? (LAUGHING)

- (CROWD STOPS TALKING) - (MUSIC STOPS)

I'm just kidding. I don't... I have no thing.

I'm sure you're all wondering what you're doing here

or who you're going to be doing it with.

(LAUGHS)

Boys and girls, this is a mystery party.

And I think we can all agree that the greatest mystery in this life is love.

(CROWD MURMURING)

So...

That was when the music was supposed to start.

- Cue the music. - (MAGIC PLAYING)

There we go.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's Thomas-John.

That's the guy that tried to have a three-way with me and Jessa.

What's happening?

(CROWD GASPING)

Dude, if I didn't know any better...

I think she's getting married.

She's not getting married.

As some of you may have already guessed,

- we're getting married. - We are.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SHUSHING)

- Can you please hold the... -Thank you.

- (SLAPS) - Ow.

- Hi. -Hi.

Jessa.

The first night we met, truthfully,

I thought that we were gonna have a threesome with your friend Marnie.

What's up, Marnie?

But we didn't do that.

When you left my house that night,

I felt more energized than I had for years.

I thought to myself

that if I ever saw that crazy bitch again, I would make her my fucking wife.

(LAUGHS)

- MAN: All right! -(CROWD CHEERING)

WOMAN: Whoo! MAN: Ow!

WOMAN 2: Yeah, man! WOMAN 3: All right!

I wore white.

What?

I wore white to her wedding.

I wore white because how could I have known?

Because nobody told me.

Well, yeah, it's a surprise wedding.

Thomas-John, when you came to my house with flowers,

I was prepared to call the Special Victims Unit.

- (LAUGHING) - WOMAN: Yeah!

Not only did I find you very creepy,

but I found you also really boring.

You are. You're boring.

(LAUGHTER)

But for some reason, I agreed to have dinner with you.

And you asked to move tables twice and I was even more revolted.

(LAUGHS)

Then you started talking about what you did,

about travel and finance,

and I thought, "This man's brilliant in a way that I have never known."

Thank you.

I appreciate your adventurous spirit,

your desire to learn,

and everything you don't know about.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah?

It's a positive.

- Shit. -I know.

I love you.

Are you okay?

I'm very moved.

- You are? -Yeah.

People finding each other...

- I love you! -I love you!

...taking shelter. I'm very moved.

But they just met, like, two weeks ago.

Time is a rubber band.

THADD: And now with the power vested in me,

by a website that I found on the Internet,

(LAUGHTER)

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Ahh!

You may kiss the bride.

Free the bird.

- WOMEN: Aw. -(CROWD CHEERING)

- Is it garter time? -No.

- No. -Oh, come on, please!

- Oh, fuck it. -Oh, boy.

Your dreams are not what you thought they'd be.

WOMAN: Whoo-hoo!

All right, everybody, let's fucking cork it out!

- Aah! -Whoo!

(YANKIN PLAYING)

Oh, shit!

(CROWD CHEERING)

JESSA: I love you.

You're so fucking gross, lying there on the bathroom floor.

I can't believe you're married.

I mean, I never expected that.

Not that I know what to expect from you, but I did not expect that.

You don't think I'm crazy?

I don't think you're crazy. I mean, I think it's fast.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Maybe I am, but fuck, Hannah, I have never been this happy.

I feel like I'm sleeping in a rosebud.

I'm so gone on this man.

But, like, how can you be so sure about something like that?

Like, Adam wants to move in with me and I can't even tell if that's good or bad.

Like, do you feel like a real adult now?

Mmm...

Yeah. Kinda.

Thank you.

Elijah.

Hi, J.Lo at the Grammys.

(SIGHS)

You know, I'd really like to put our past behind us

and I hope you find what you're looking for.

(HUFFS)

All right, everyone, for the grooviest portion of the evening,

please join us outside for their first dance as man and wife.

Jessa and Thomas-John.

(CROWD CHEERING)

- Do they need us for that? -Yeah.

- They need you for that. -They need me.

I can do it. I can do it.

- No. -Okay.

- All right, that's fine. -I love you.

- Yeah. -I love you.

THADD: This is gonna be your life from now on.

Come into my arms, Rapunzel.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

THOMAS-JOHN: This is amazing. I feel so alive.

You're wearing a halo. You're wearing a halo right now.

(SLURPS)

Enjoying yourself?

Yeah, actually.

Not too much. Don't worry.

Where is Audrey?

She's in Santa Fe.

She's blogging from a tortilla soup contest.

It's not a joke.

I had not laughed about it yet.

No, actually, I've read her blog.

She's a really good writer.

And I like all of her ironic T-shirts.

Of course, I like them unironically.

So, what do...

- What do people even do at weddings? -(SNIFFS)

We should just, like, go fuck in the bathroom.

Yeah, totally.

I'll just sit on the sink and you can fuck me really quickly.

Hard, and I'll just cover your mouth so you don't make any noise.

Yeah, and then I'll, like, turn on the faucet by accident with my ass.

And then we'll come out here and we'll eat some dessert,

and then we'll just like, wink at each other from across the room.

We should just forget about all of our troubles and go fuck somewhere.

Okay, great.

(LAUGHS) Wait. You're... You're joking, right?

Yeah, totally.

- Okay. -Totally.

You really had me there. That was... That was weird.

Oh, no. No, no, no. Yeah, I was joking.

-'Cause you were joking, right? -Yeah. Yes, I was.

Yeah.

Enjoying yourself?

I don't wanna dance.

No, me neither.

It's a big pet peeve, actually.

People touching as they sway.

It's very annoying.

- No, I love dancing, but I'm really upset. -Oh, yeah.

What's wrong?

It's personal. I can't explain it.

Give it a whirl.

Okay.

Everyone's a dumb whore.

I can hardly stop thinking about you since the night we met.

You are the strangest person.

You're just... You're so... You're so raw and open.

You vibrate on a very strange frequency.

Are you punking me?

It's very confusing for me, too.

I wanna go home with you.

Tonight.

Fine.

Fine.

Just stay out of my emotional way.

Fine.

See? I'm even fucking better at slow dancing than I am at fast dancing.

I have an amazing move that I do to this song.

- You wanna see? -Yeah.

This is how Beyoncé does it in the video. And then she's like...

And then she's like...

Jesus Christ, kid.

Save your strength.

We're in it for the long haul.

Hannah.

- Hi. Hey. -Hi. Hi.

- You look great. -(MUFFLED) Oh, thank you.

Um...

Look, I just wanted to say that I...

I did give you HPV.

After we talked, I kind of waded through my sexual history

and Rachel Dusetik absolutely has it.

Oh, my God. Okay, I knew it was her,

'cause that girl wears floral capris like her hymen's still intact,

but she was such a slut in such a big way.

In a huge way. She used to do this thing where she would literally rip the condom off.

- Like... -Fuckin' redheads.

- I know, right? Redheads. -Seriously.

- Crazy. -(SIGHS)

Please forgive me.

Oh, come on.

- You know, everyone has it. -Right?

Let's just consider it water under my vagina.

(LAUGHS)

- Honey. -Hi.

Have you seen these petit fours? I would fuck these petit fours.

Oh, Hannah, this is George.

- George, this is Hannah. -Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Oh, Hannah! -Yes.

- Hannah? -Yes.

- The straw that broke the camel's back? -Yeah.

- She does not look like Camryn Manheim. -Honey.

So are you two, like, living together now?

- Oh, no. -No, no, no.

I wish, but we have to wait till Templeton's graduated.

Yes, Templeton is George's son, and he's extremely homophobic.

- Wow. -GEORGE: Very hard.

So I've been living in an SRO since I left Beau, which is an apartment where you share

- a bathroom with... - Everyone on your floor.

It's like murderers and, like, junkies and girls who huff.

- Like... -That is awful.

It's not great.

Well, you know, you're in luck because I actually need a roommate.

Oh, I mean, that would be great.

- Can we do this? -Oy, sounds like kismet.

And you know what? We would have so much fun.

- We both have HPV already. -I know, right?

- We don't have to worry about that. -So, that awkward thing's off the table.

- Yeah, right? -Yeah.

- You both have what? -HPV.

- What is that? -Human papillomavirus.

ELIJAH: It's... You know, it's like that thing.

A sexually transmitted disease.

- Yeah, but for girls. -That he gave me.

You've got it, too, now.

Look, we can discuss this in a...

He seems great.

I know, right? And rich as fuck.

Why are you even trying? You hate sweet stuff.

- (LAUGHING) - Hi.

So you don't have to worry.

- About what? -About moving in, because I found someone.

You found someone.

It's gonna sound crazy, but it's Elijah.

And he's moving in next week, so if you felt obligated, don't.

Also, he just told me he's getting certified in Alexander Technique,

which is literally the gayest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

If you didn't like the idea, why didn't you say so?

No, it's... You know, I thought you were trying to help and I appreciate it...

Help? I don't wanna help.

No one does anything 'cause they wanna help.

I was doing it because I love you.

Oh.

Why do you look so surprised?

No, it's just, like, you know, I just didn't think you were into that.

Into what? Love?

No, I just... You know, I associate that with, like, Marnie and Charlie

and people starting to talk a lot about their relationship, you know?

It's like, "My relationship is doing really well right now."

Or "I need to work on some aspects of my relationship."

And it's just like, your relationship is not a thing.

Your relationship is not an achievement.

I've got actual things I would like to achieve before I focus on, like, that.

And you can't achieve those things with me?

No, it's... It's not that.

Don't you feel like sometimes you and I distract each other from

the other stuff that we have going on...

Okay, I don't wanna flip out on you right now at a surprise wedding.

If you wanna fuck me from behind, at least pull my hair back.

Adam.

THADD: Excuse me!

Coming through. All right.

Lady with a baby. Look out.

Ladles and gentlebeans, attention.

What's that, tiny Jessa?

- (LAUGHTER) - "It's cakey time"?

"Cakey time." Is it just me, or is he adorable?

- Are you okay? -I don't know.

THADD: She gave birth to those cakes.

- Aah! -(CROWD CHEERING)

- Hey. What's up, man? -Hey, dickhead.

- Fuck you. -Well, so what do we do?

- Oh, we gotta cut it. -Of course.

Oh, my God, it's perfect.

- Yeah, it fucking cost enough. -(LAUGHING)

- You ready, baby? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ready.

Is this what... This is what makes it official?

(LAUGHS)

- Wait! -(LAUGHTER)

THOMAS-JOHN: Thadd, you prick. THADD: I'm kidding.

- THOMAS-JOHN: Fuck you! -(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHING)

Uh!

CROWD: Bye!

- Bye! -JESSA: Thank you.

Bye!

Yo!

Why are you so mad at me?

I brought you cake, so even if you don't like sweet stuff, it's amazing...

You love yourself so much. So why is it so crazy that someone else would, too?

I don't love myself.

You're the fucking worst, you know that?

Because you think you're not pretty

and you're not a good writer and you're not a good friend.

Well, you are pretty and you are a good writer and you are a good friend.

Thank you.

Is this the game?

You chase me like I'm the fucking Beatles for six months,

and then I finally get comfortable and you shrug?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm scared, okay?

I'm really scared all the time.

I'm, like, very scared all the time.

Join the fucking club.

No, because I'm more scared than most people are when they say that they're scared.

I'm like the most scared person who's alive.

Well, you don't have the right to be!

I told you once I commit to something, I really fucking commit!

You asked for this!

And now you're being a fucking bitch.

Adam, come on, okay?

You're scared.

I'm looking at you. I know you're scared.

You're acting like you're not, but you are.

I know you now. We've been doing this for a while.

- I know you now. -Stop, stop.

You don't know me.

You don't know shit about me.

(HORN BLARES)

Get out of the street!

You don't know me and you don't know yourself.

You think because you're, what, 11 pounds overweight, you know struggle?

I am 13 pounds overweight and it has been awful for me my whole life!

Holy fuckin' shit!

Here's the world's smallest, tiny violin playing My Heart Bleeds For You.

Fuck you! You don't know struggle.

I'm a beautiful fucking mystery to you.

No!

Fuck!

Hey there. Nice work.

Yeah, well, she kind of threw it at me, but thank you.

Yeah. I mean, a girl like you doesn't exactly need a bouquet.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

- (SNICKERS) - That was dumb.

Oh, God.

- Is this party really over? -I know.

- I was just getting started. -Seriously.

The night is young.

But, I mean, you probably have someplace to be.

You'd be surprised.

- I can't stop. Oh, you're just going for it, huh? - Mmm-hmm.

I think I just fell in love.

- (MUMBLES) Really? - A little bit.

You look beautiful.

I think some cake just went in my cleavage.

I'm not gonna look, because that would not be gentlemanly.

Would it be... Although, helping would be...

I'd like you to help.

That looks awesome. I'd like to go there.

Someday.

Man, I am not good at this.

I didn't mean to be so forward.

SHOSHANNA: It doesn't hurt.

Well, good, because I haven't done anything yet.

(SOFTLY) Right.

My aunt says that it kind of feels like scratching a sunburn.

Okay.

I know you hate virgins.

You totally hate virgins. You totally lied to me.

- You hate me so much. -No.

You totally lied about liking me.

- You don't like me at all. -(SHUSHING) It's not that at all, okay?

It's not that. It's just... (SIGHS)

It just occurred to me, you know, that...

You know, you've never done it before,

and thusly, I am teaching you how it's done.

And, you know, that's a lot of power, which I don't know if I deserve.

Okay.

But I probably do.

HANNAH: I think he has a concussion.

Wish I had a fucking concussion.

No, no.

- Family only, right? Family only? -EMT: Yeah.

Oh, sorry, family only. You're not my fucking family.

Adam, I'm coming with you.

- Adam! Adam! -Don't let her in here. She's a monster.

Adam!

(SIREN WAILING)

(MAN CHATTERING ON PA)

(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Excuse me? -WOMAN: Whose attitude?

- Where am I? -(WOMEN LAUGH)

- No, she didn't. -Are you serious?

- Are you serious right now? -You're in heaven.

(LAUGHTER)

- You're in la la land. -You're in fuckin' heaven.

- (WOMAN VOCALIZING) - Welcome to heaven.

Has she got a green belt on or am I tweakin'?

(INDISTINCT TALKING CONTINUES)

(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)

(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)

(WAVES CRASHING)

(BALLAD PLAYING)