Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:04,264
Halloween is my absolute
favorite holiday.
2
00:00:04,265 --> 00:00:06,924
I look forward to it all year
and I put all of my energy
3
00:00:06,925 --> 00:00:09,531
into making sure it's fun
and festive for everyone!
4
00:00:09,532 --> 00:00:12,539
It's like gay Christmas, except you get
to invite people you actually like.
5
00:00:16,635 --> 00:00:18,561
- I don't like this.
- Well, I'm sorry but last year
6
00:00:18,562 --> 00:00:20,045
you scared too many children
with your costume
7
00:00:20,046 --> 00:00:22,082
when you went as
the mother from Precious.
8
00:00:22,083 --> 00:00:23,734
Okay, so now I have to be...
9
00:00:23,735 --> 00:00:27,150
- Who am I again?
- Matt Lauer, from "The Today Show".
10
00:00:27,151 --> 00:00:29,750
He handles hard-hitting news and
cooking segments with equal aplomb.
11
00:00:29,751 --> 00:00:33,136
Look Rocky, the point of Halloween is
that you get to be whoever it is you want to be.
12
00:00:33,137 --> 00:00:35,188
and I want you to be Matt Lauer.
13
00:00:35,189 --> 00:00:37,005
Another Halloween thing I love to do
is pick out pumpkins
14
00:00:37,006 --> 00:00:39,106
in the paparazzi patch
15
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:41,261
with my bestie, Nicole Richie.
16
00:00:45,094 --> 00:00:47,841
Can you hold this pumpkin in front
of my head to obscure their shot?
17
00:00:47,842 --> 00:00:50,575
Oh yeah, yeah.
This must be so annoying for you.
18
00:00:58,075 --> 00:01:00,907
Is that Courtney Love?
Oh, it's a scarecrow.
19
00:01:00,908 --> 00:01:02,595
That is Courtney Love.
20
00:01:04,141 --> 00:01:05,541
You look great!
21
00:01:05,542 --> 00:01:08,122
But Halloween wouldn't be complete
without curling up on the couch
22
00:01:08,123 --> 00:01:09,557
and watching scary movies.
23
00:01:09,558 --> 00:01:12,517
The scarier the better:
Psycho, The Exorcist,
24
00:01:12,518 --> 00:01:13,923
27 Dresses...
25
00:01:13,924 --> 00:01:15,878
I didn't know Frankenstein
had a wife.
26
00:01:15,879 --> 00:01:18,080
Oh sure, nobody has a problem
with monster marriage.
27
00:01:18,081 --> 00:01:19,513
Ooh, here comes the scary part!
28
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:20,930
Who can see in here?
29
00:01:20,931 --> 00:01:22,362
Sweet Jesus, David !
30
00:01:22,363 --> 00:01:25,397
Guys, I've been thinking a lot
about our Halloween costumes
31
00:01:25,398 --> 00:01:28,834
and Bryan, I know you have always very specific
ideas about what we're gonna dress as
32
00:01:28,835 --> 00:01:31,373
but seeing as how
there's more of us this year,
33
00:01:31,374 --> 00:01:34,532
I was thinking that maybe
we could go as...
34
00:01:35,986 --> 00:01:39,560
- A sport's team.
- Oh David! That is a great idea.
35
00:01:40,510 --> 00:01:43,547
But we're all gonna be the redneck family
from "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo".
36
00:01:43,548 --> 00:01:45,203
As long as you love my idea.
37
00:01:45,204 --> 00:01:47,319
I've already have my makeup and
wardrobe people at the show on it.
38
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,386
I'm gonna be Mamma June,
Goldie's gonna be Chickadee
39
00:01:49,387 --> 00:01:53,298
You're gonna be Sugar Bear,
and guess who's Honey Boo Boo?
40
00:01:53,299 --> 00:01:55,944
A dolla makes me holla, Honey Boo Boo!
41
00:01:57,290 --> 00:01:59,943
Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com
42
00:02:00,063 --> 00:02:02,051
You'd better redneckognize!
43
00:02:02,052 --> 00:02:05,432
Great. Okay, let's try it again.
This time, gimme pageant cupcake hands.
44
00:02:07,095 --> 00:02:09,435
Go baby! Now show me gunslinger.
45
00:02:10,971 --> 00:02:13,493
Reminds me of how Nana used to make me do
pageants when I was little.
46
00:02:13,494 --> 00:02:15,314
- I bet you won a lot.
- I did.
47
00:02:15,315 --> 00:02:18,737
You know, Nana put the entire $65
into my college fund.
48
00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:20,232
I'm gonna go rehydrate.
49
00:02:20,233 --> 00:02:21,675
Good work, baby.
50
00:02:27,290 --> 00:02:29,810
Your face! You look like you were
gonna get killed or something.
51
00:02:29,811 --> 00:02:32,417
Clay! What are you doing here?
52
00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:34,895
It's Halloween, it's a family tradition.
53
00:02:34,896 --> 00:02:37,778
But you're making me and Shania
come back to Ohio next week.
54
00:02:37,779 --> 00:02:39,795
You served me custody papers,
remember?
55
00:02:39,796 --> 00:02:42,440
I didn't. Some lawyer did. Jeez...
56
00:02:42,910 --> 00:02:44,941
You always gotta make me
out to be the bad guy.
57
00:02:45,443 --> 00:02:47,776
- Daddy!
- Hey, monkey!
58
00:02:47,777 --> 00:02:49,207
Please, come in!
59
00:02:52,762 --> 00:02:54,837
Yep, I'll get the ice.
60
00:02:55,238 --> 00:02:57,943
Why are you using a melon baller
to do your detail work?
61
00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:59,934
Would you use a hammer to frost a cake?
62
00:02:59,935 --> 00:03:01,748
- Can I just do it my way?
- Okay.
63
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:04,208
- Can I see?
- Sure.
64
00:03:04,853 --> 00:03:06,793
Your pumpkin looks like
it had a stroke.
65
00:03:06,794 --> 00:03:08,635
You know, Nicole, besides Santa
66
00:03:08,636 --> 00:03:10,589
you're the first celebrity I've ever met.
67
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:13,344
That's sweet of you to say,
but don't call me a celebrity.
68
00:03:13,345 --> 00:03:14,745
- But you are.
- I know
69
00:03:14,746 --> 00:03:17,420
- it's just so uncool to say.
- Oh, got it.
70
00:03:17,421 --> 00:03:20,372
It's like squeezing dog poop
with big seeds in it.
71
00:03:20,373 --> 00:03:21,724
Come on Shania, do it with me.
72
00:03:21,725 --> 00:03:23,797
Don't worry, he doesn't get a knife.
73
00:03:23,798 --> 00:03:25,344
We only let him scoop.
74
00:03:25,345 --> 00:03:29,180
So Goldie, how are you doing with
the little surprise visit from Clay?
75
00:03:29,181 --> 00:03:31,716
Well, I mean it is hard to pretend
like everything's ok with him
76
00:03:31,717 --> 00:03:34,145
when I know he stands between me
and our happiness.
77
00:03:34,146 --> 00:03:35,985
But then I see him with Shania.
78
00:03:35,986 --> 00:03:38,512
And I feel so bad
for keeping them apart.
79
00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:42,970
- Hey guys!
- Hey, Ian.
80
00:03:42,971 --> 00:03:46,331
You remember Nicole and Goldie
and Shania. That's Clay.
81
00:03:46,538 --> 00:03:49,938
Clay is Goldie's... Clay.
82
00:03:49,939 --> 00:03:52,585
Hey buddy, loving the long locks.
83
00:03:52,586 --> 00:03:54,296
These sandals are rockin'
84
00:03:54,459 --> 00:03:58,217
Hey Shania, why don't you take Avery upstairs and
show her my collection of East Asian slippers.
85
00:03:58,218 --> 00:03:59,986
- I think you'd really like that?
- Sure.
86
00:03:59,987 --> 00:04:02,102
Hey, I have a shirt just like that.
87
00:04:02,103 --> 00:04:04,018
- It's a tunic.
- Come on.
88
00:04:04,019 --> 00:04:07,185
So Ian, What's little Avery
going as, for Halloween?
89
00:04:08,065 --> 00:04:10,221
We're still hovering around
a couple of ideas.
90
00:04:12,434 --> 00:04:15,679
Son, I got us these great
teenage mutant ninja turtle
91
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,215
costumes for Halloween.
92
00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:20,478
No! I wanna go as Bruce Vilanch
or a fairy.
93
00:04:20,479 --> 00:04:24,291
Okay, but turtles with weapons,
94
00:04:24,292 --> 00:04:26,295
that's pretty awesome huh?
95
00:04:26,296 --> 00:04:28,126
But they don't have tights,
or wings
96
00:04:28,127 --> 00:04:30,284
or write jokes for the Oscars.
97
00:04:33,191 --> 00:04:36,648
- So he's going as Vilanch?
- No, I won't let him.
98
00:04:36,649 --> 00:04:38,997
Why can't he be Batman or Superman?
99
00:04:38,998 --> 00:04:41,415
I would even settle for Aquaman.
A man!
100
00:04:41,416 --> 00:04:43,588
I just don't want other kids
making fun of him.
101
00:04:43,589 --> 00:04:45,490
You know, I read this article
in the New York Times
102
00:04:45,491 --> 00:04:47,742
saying that cross-gender
experimentation
103
00:04:47,743 --> 00:04:50,598
happens in about 5% of boys and
really it can be caused by anything,
104
00:04:50,599 --> 00:04:54,056
from emulating maternal figures to
the presence of prenatal hormones.
105
00:04:54,057 --> 00:04:55,908
This came up with an actress friend
of mine
106
00:04:55,909 --> 00:04:57,610
whose daughter only dresses
like a boy.
107
00:04:57,611 --> 00:04:59,767
She's totally gonna tell me
who it is after you guys leave.
108
00:04:59,768 --> 00:05:02,573
No way! I would never betray
her confidence.
109
00:05:04,614 --> 00:05:08,022
Ian, I just think it would be really empowering
fot you to let Avery make his own choice.
110
00:05:08,023 --> 00:05:10,433
Wait a second. You're ok with
a 5 year old
111
00:05:10,434 --> 00:05:13,433
making his own costume decision,
but not with me making mine?
112
00:05:13,434 --> 00:05:17,544
Honey, that's because we do things
together.
113
00:05:17,545 --> 00:05:19,106
Because we are a team.
114
00:05:19,107 --> 00:05:21,474
No, you tell me what to wear
and I wear it.
115
00:05:21,475 --> 00:05:25,470
You know what? This year I'm going
to be whoever I want to be.
116
00:05:25,471 --> 00:05:27,460
So you're not gonna dress up
as Sugar Bear?
117
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:30,297
Where am I supposed to find a shiftless
husband and a poor excuse for a father?
118
00:05:30,298 --> 00:05:31,712
I don't know.
119
00:05:32,013 --> 00:05:33,821
Hey, I can do that.
120
00:05:38,522 --> 00:05:41,084
Mum, can I go pick out
my monster makeup?
121
00:05:41,285 --> 00:05:44,289
Oh man, Shania! When I was your age,
me and my friends
122
00:05:44,324 --> 00:05:47,591
used to put on makeup and dress
like we were in this band Kiss.
123
00:05:47,592 --> 00:05:50,955
We spit blood and blew fireballs
and stuff.
124
00:05:50,956 --> 00:05:56,527
One time this awesome dude, Johnny
Pacheco poured gasoline in his mouth
125
00:05:56,528 --> 00:05:59,281
and swallowed it.
We were dying.
126
00:05:59,282 --> 00:06:03,176
He actually did, he pretty much
died right in front of our eyes.
127
00:06:03,177 --> 00:06:05,434
We were just about your age, Shania.
128
00:06:05,435 --> 00:06:07,223
Go pick out your make-up,
okay honey?
129
00:06:07,224 --> 00:06:08,882
Off you go.
130
00:06:08,883 --> 00:06:11,690
Why would you tell her
a story like that?
131
00:06:11,691 --> 00:06:14,644
- She's gonna have nightmares.
- Oh sure, sorry. The truce?
132
00:06:14,645 --> 00:06:16,125
Ok fine, truce.
133
00:06:17,582 --> 00:06:21,540
Your face, you're like,
oh my god, "zombie hand!"
134
00:06:28,671 --> 00:06:31,942
I get you're not psyched
that I just kinda showed up, but...
135
00:06:31,943 --> 00:06:34,750
- I'm glad I'm here.
- You're not really here for us, are you?
136
00:06:34,751 --> 00:06:37,282
It's all to look good for some judge
back in Ohio, right?
137
00:06:37,283 --> 00:06:40,052
No! I mean I want the court to see
I'm a good dad,
138
00:06:40,053 --> 00:06:41,887
but just because I wanna
be with Shania.
139
00:06:41,888 --> 00:06:43,457
She's my kid, I love her.
140
00:06:43,458 --> 00:06:46,665
You say that, but you don't know
the first thing about being a good dad.
141
00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:49,908
Come on Clay, you've never even taken
her trick-or-treating before.
142
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:53,550
I tried, remember? A few years back?
But you were on my case, nagging me the whole time.
143
00:06:53,551 --> 00:06:56,514
"She needs a jacket. Don't let her eat nuts.
Make sure the safety's on."
144
00:06:56,515 --> 00:06:58,615
I have to do that cause
you act like a child all the time.
145
00:06:58,616 --> 00:07:00,956
Because you try to control
everything I do, Goldie...
146
00:07:00,957 --> 00:07:02,866
You didn't like the way
I do anything with her.
147
00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:05,440
I just want you to be a better dad.
148
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,610
How can I be?
149
00:07:08,611 --> 00:07:11,218
You took her away
and you moved to California.
150
00:07:11,219 --> 00:07:14,361
How am I supposed to be
the parent you want me to be?
151
00:07:14,362 --> 00:07:16,189
If you won't let me be with her.
152
00:07:25,124 --> 00:07:28,415
I know you're in there, honey.
Come on. Time to go.
153
00:07:37,188 --> 00:07:41,028
Oh Sam, you're a genius!
You even gave me Mamma June's neck crust.
154
00:07:41,029 --> 00:07:43,666
- Oh it's brilliant.
- Oh please, honey.
155
00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:46,051
If I can make Bea Arthur
pass as a woman,
156
00:07:46,052 --> 00:07:49,318
I can certainly do a simple
fat roll.
157
00:07:52,894 --> 00:07:54,701
What do you think? I'm Tom Brady.
158
00:07:54,702 --> 00:07:57,252
I can't believe you're cheating
on me with another costume.
159
00:07:57,253 --> 00:07:59,503
I'm not cheating,
I'm just doing my own thing.
160
00:07:59,504 --> 00:08:02,654
It just bothers you cause you can't
control it like every other year.
161
00:08:02,655 --> 00:08:05,175
- Trick or treat?
- Hey, kids!
162
00:08:05,956 --> 00:08:07,506
- Trick or treat?
163
00:08:07,507 --> 00:08:09,039
Oh no, don't run away!
164
00:08:09,498 --> 00:08:11,502
He was the wind beneath my wings.
165
00:08:11,503 --> 00:08:13,006
- Cute?
- Is it?
166
00:08:13,007 --> 00:08:15,766
Doesn't it all seem just like
a big gay cliche to you?
167
00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:18,220
Why is it that you and overweight
members of the media
168
00:08:18,221 --> 00:08:21,419
think that anything remotely
effeminate or camp is a stereotype?
169
00:08:21,420 --> 00:08:24,618
You're all trying to keep the fey gay
quarantined to the center square.
170
00:08:24,619 --> 00:08:29,020
Ain't it the truth, honey?
Nobody wants the fem gays anymore.
171
00:08:29,021 --> 00:08:33,151
The media, the straights,
everybody has such disdain!
172
00:08:33,152 --> 00:08:35,952
Even the trans community
doesn't want us.
173
00:08:35,953 --> 00:08:40,815
If you're the least bit fem anymore,
they call you an Uncle Tom Ford!
174
00:08:40,816 --> 00:08:43,266
Just face the truth, David.
You're embarrassed by me.
175
00:08:43,267 --> 00:08:45,416
- I am not embarrassed.
- He's embarrassed.
176
00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:47,963
It sounds like he's embarrassed.
177
00:08:47,964 --> 00:08:49,368
Okay I'm a little embarrassed.
178
00:08:49,369 --> 00:08:51,246
I just don't understand why Halloween has to be
179
00:08:51,247 --> 00:08:52,997
one big gender-bending party!
180
00:08:52,998 --> 00:08:56,446
David, everyday of the year, I walk
around a little self-conscious in the world.
181
00:08:56,447 --> 00:08:59,023
I'm not like you,
I have to remember to deepen my voice
182
00:08:59,024 --> 00:09:01,328
and be aware of my too-vivid hand gestures
and take big manly strides.
183
00:09:01,329 --> 00:09:05,282
Wear spanks to the supermarket?
184
00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:07,764
But on Halloween, I get to let
all that go.
185
00:09:07,765 --> 00:09:10,815
I get to put on my mask and my makeup
and let my freak flag fly.
186
00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:13,696
So that's what I'm trying to do this year.
You can join me or not.
187
00:09:13,697 --> 00:09:15,789
- Okay, I choose not.
- Fine.
188
00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:18,209
- Sam, what you're going as?
- Lisa Ling's sister.
189
00:09:18,210 --> 00:09:21,296
- The one who got kidnapped?
- Lucy Liu got kidnapped?
190
00:09:21,297 --> 00:09:22,777
Nope...
191
00:09:22,778 --> 00:09:25,447
The cool thing about this year is...
192
00:09:25,448 --> 00:09:28,799
in this costume, babe,
people won't get uptight
193
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,452
if I'm drinking a beer
while we're out trick-or-treating.
194
00:09:31,453 --> 00:09:34,792
Yeah.
I look like I did in our wedding photos.
195
00:09:34,793 --> 00:09:37,412
You've never been prettier than
on that day, Goldie.
196
00:09:37,962 --> 00:09:40,852
- Stop it.
- But the most awesome thing about all this
197
00:09:40,853 --> 00:09:44,137
is that we're going as a family.
You, me and the kid.
198
00:09:44,138 --> 00:09:45,610
Mom...
199
00:09:46,706 --> 00:09:48,217
I don't want to be
Honey Boo Boo.
200
00:09:48,218 --> 00:09:51,418
- It's just not me.
- What? Baby, you look adorable.
201
00:09:51,419 --> 00:09:52,966
And I thought you loved the idea.
202
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,971
Well, Bryan's bossiness
is infectious.
203
00:09:54,972 --> 00:09:58,016
And I laugh at the show too,
but I feel like I'm laughing at them.
204
00:09:58,017 --> 00:10:01,180
Plus, I can't support something that
perpetuates the sexualization
205
00:10:01,181 --> 00:10:05,333
of girls and denigrates the family because
of their lack of economic resources.
206
00:10:05,334 --> 00:10:06,734
Know what I mean?
207
00:10:06,735 --> 00:10:10,239
Baby, you don't ever have to be someone
that you don't want to be.
208
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,935
Go on, go wash off the 8 lbs of makeup.
209
00:10:14,275 --> 00:10:16,459
You see, Goldie?
You did it again!
210
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,553
I'm her dad and you didn't
even ask me.
211
00:10:19,554 --> 00:10:21,466
You just made the decision yourself.
212
00:10:21,467 --> 00:10:24,304
Me and Shania,
we're supposed to be costume buddies.
213
00:10:24,305 --> 00:10:27,172
Every time I figure out a way
to get close to her,
214
00:10:27,173 --> 00:10:30,559
- you always steal her away from me.
- That is not true.
215
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:34,919
No, no more, Goldie.
We'll ditch the stupid costumes, okay?
216
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,172
But I'm gonna have a great Halloween
with my kid,
217
00:10:37,173 --> 00:10:39,015
and I'm gonna do it my way.
218
00:10:40,794 --> 00:10:42,856
I don't want to dress up as
Honey Boo Boo.
219
00:10:42,857 --> 00:10:44,515
I just feel like Halloween's
a chance
220
00:10:44,516 --> 00:10:46,065
to show the world who you are,
221
00:10:46,066 --> 00:10:48,953
and I'd rather not squander it on
a message that champions irony
222
00:10:48,954 --> 00:10:50,598
over authenticity.
223
00:10:50,599 --> 00:10:53,344
I had a different idea about
what to go as instead.
224
00:10:53,345 --> 00:10:54,914
You are wasting your breath,
Shania.
225
00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:57,827
No one changes Bryan's mind
about anything.
226
00:10:57,828 --> 00:11:00,315
He won't even participate in
Daylight Savings Time.
227
00:11:00,316 --> 00:11:01,802
It's just so arbitrary!
228
00:11:01,803 --> 00:11:03,785
See?
Good luck with your costume.
229
00:11:03,786 --> 00:11:05,237
Tell me what you were thinking,
sweetie.
230
00:11:05,238 --> 00:11:07,358
I thought it would be neat
if I went as Frankenstein.
231
00:11:07,359 --> 00:11:09,617
Frankenstein?
That's so last century.
232
00:11:09,618 --> 00:11:12,414
I even have this idea that we
can all go as Frankenstein,
233
00:11:12,415 --> 00:11:14,684
cause in a way we are sort of
these separate pieces
234
00:11:14,685 --> 00:11:19,085
who've been sown together, to make
up this kind of... freaky family.
235
00:11:19,628 --> 00:11:22,534
Well, I do have a closet full
of platform boots.
236
00:11:22,535 --> 00:11:25,770
Okay guys, we have to hurry.
We only have 24 hours to get our costumes ready.
237
00:11:25,771 --> 00:11:29,983
Or 23 hours if you believe one
of them magically disappears.
238
00:11:33,348 --> 00:11:36,715
- This is great!
- These bolts are cool.
239
00:11:36,716 --> 00:11:39,477
Brains...
240
00:11:40,181 --> 00:11:42,207
Mom, Frankensteins
don't scream "brains".
241
00:11:42,208 --> 00:11:44,820
- That's zombies.
- Oh, sorry.
242
00:11:44,821 --> 00:11:46,248
Brains!
243
00:11:47,195 --> 00:11:50,098
Bryan, go long!
Bryan, go long!
244
00:11:50,099 --> 00:11:52,913
Hey, look everybody!
It's Igor in a jockstrap.
245
00:11:52,914 --> 00:11:55,994
Sorry, everyone.
Dr. Frankenstein is a little testy
246
00:11:55,995 --> 00:11:59,034
because someone is doing what
they want to, for once.
247
00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:02,131
No, David, I think a football
player is a really original costume.
248
00:12:02,132 --> 00:12:04,274
Right behind hobo and slutty nurse.
249
00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:07,822
This getting awkward...
250
00:12:08,624 --> 00:12:11,639
Ooh, good!
The first trick-or-treater.
251
00:12:12,615 --> 00:12:14,127
Come on!
252
00:12:14,128 --> 00:12:15,961
Brains!
253
00:12:18,116 --> 00:12:19,522
- Are you ready?
- Yes.
254
00:12:21,834 --> 00:12:24,564
Rocky? Matt Lauer
would never wear that tennis dress.
255
00:12:24,565 --> 00:12:25,965
I'm Serena Williams.
256
00:12:25,966 --> 00:12:28,671
I'm tired of you telling me who
I have to be every Halloween.
257
00:12:28,672 --> 00:12:31,226
Why is everybody rejecting
my brilliant ideas?
258
00:12:31,227 --> 00:12:33,624
No wonder mad scientists
are so mad.
259
00:12:33,625 --> 00:12:35,975
- Rocky, guess who I am?
- Oh my god, you're the little guy
260
00:12:35,976 --> 00:12:38,860
- on top of the football trophy!
- Do you want to come trick-or-treating with us?
261
00:12:38,861 --> 00:12:42,580
No, thanks. I'll stay here and hand out
candy to the adorable children
262
00:12:42,581 --> 00:12:45,228
and protect the liquor cabinet
from vandals.
263
00:12:46,396 --> 00:12:49,068
Oh, good!
The first trick-or-treaters!
264
00:12:58,517 --> 00:13:01,038
Nana...
What are you doing here?
265
00:13:01,039 --> 00:13:03,896
After everything you did with
Shania's pretend wedding...
266
00:13:03,897 --> 00:13:06,641
you can't expect me to welcome
you with open arms.
267
00:13:06,642 --> 00:13:08,761
It was me. I called her.
268
00:13:08,762 --> 00:13:12,393
I have not missed a Halloween
with Goggles for 9 years,
269
00:13:12,394 --> 00:13:14,231
and I'm not about to start now.
270
00:13:14,232 --> 00:13:16,390
Oh, really?
Well, who are you supposed to be?
271
00:13:16,391 --> 00:13:20,282
She's Endora, from Bewitched.
She was the show's sharp-tongued comic relief.
272
00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:22,977
Audiences didn't know whether
to love her or hate her.
273
00:13:22,978 --> 00:13:25,709
Come on,
there's a lot of candy out there,
274
00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:29,071
and a neighborhood full of fat persian
kids to beat to it. Let's go!
275
00:13:29,072 --> 00:13:32,918
- Candy...
- Hey.
276
00:13:32,919 --> 00:13:35,769
Come on, Rocky. Turn off the lights,
we'll put the candy by the door,
277
00:13:35,770 --> 00:13:38,538
- and come with us. - Even though
I didn't wear your Matt Lauer costume?
278
00:13:38,539 --> 00:13:40,701
Look, sometimes I lose sight
of the big picture.
279
00:13:40,702 --> 00:13:43,666
But you know what, your costume
makes me look better by association.
280
00:13:43,667 --> 00:13:45,251
It's like Jay-Z with Beyoncé.
281
00:13:47,017 --> 00:13:49,384
- What do you say?
- Trick or treat?
282
00:13:50,512 --> 00:13:52,852
Fruit?
What is this, an offering?
283
00:13:53,574 --> 00:13:54,983
Hmm.
284
00:13:56,704 --> 00:13:58,897
- What do you say?
- Thank you!
285
00:14:05,103 --> 00:14:07,667
Hey, Halloween isn't only about
the treats, you know?
286
00:14:08,395 --> 00:14:10,574
It's also about the tricks.
287
00:14:10,575 --> 00:14:12,011
Go.
288
00:14:13,432 --> 00:14:16,508
- Trick or treat?
- Hey, guys! Come on in!
289
00:14:16,509 --> 00:14:18,302
- Hi!
- Hey!
290
00:14:18,303 --> 00:14:21,053
Now that is a costume!
291
00:14:21,054 --> 00:14:23,216
How are you doing? You got
anything stronger than candy?
292
00:14:23,217 --> 00:14:25,360
Yeah! Yeah, we've got plenty.
Come on in.
293
00:14:25,361 --> 00:14:27,309
Hey! Where's your daughter
and her dad?
294
00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:29,460
I think trick-or-treating
one street over.
295
00:14:29,461 --> 00:14:31,861
Clay said this is the only night
for free candy,
296
00:14:31,862 --> 00:14:35,003
that he can get free, boring conversation
any other night of the year, so...
297
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,848
So, Ian, I don't think you've met...
298
00:14:39,849 --> 00:14:42,783
Endora, from Bewitched!
I love that show!
299
00:14:42,784 --> 00:14:44,910
Look, I'm a fairy!
I can fly!
300
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,236
No more candy, son!
301
00:14:47,237 --> 00:14:51,445
Son? You gonna let that little
fairy outdo you like that?
302
00:14:52,336 --> 00:14:55,250
So, I thought you guys were
going as Ninja Turtles.
303
00:14:55,251 --> 00:14:57,666
We were, then Avery threw a fit.
304
00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:00,094
You know what it's like to be around
someone who screams and cries
305
00:15:00,095 --> 00:15:02,365
and holds his breath until he
gets what he wants?
306
00:15:02,366 --> 00:15:03,766
No...
307
00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:05,714
After two hours of high-pitched
screeching,,
308
00:15:05,715 --> 00:15:09,017
I realized, I can force him
to dress a certain way for me,
309
00:15:09,018 --> 00:15:11,608
but it's not gonna change who
he is on the inside.
310
00:15:11,609 --> 00:15:13,136
He is who he is.
311
00:15:13,137 --> 00:15:15,566
-You can't change him.
-You're a good dad, bud.
312
00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:17,904
No, I'm weak and I'm exhausted.
313
00:15:17,905 --> 00:15:20,855
All I care about is that
cold beer that my wife brings me
314
00:15:20,856 --> 00:15:22,498
after she's tucked him in.
315
00:15:22,499 --> 00:15:23,970
But that's nice of you to say.
316
00:15:23,971 --> 00:15:28,062
Daddy, help.
I have poopoo in my panties.
317
00:15:31,776 --> 00:15:34,742
Atomic Fireball...
Score!
318
00:15:34,743 --> 00:15:36,540
I love Atomic Fireball.
319
00:15:36,541 --> 00:15:39,402
- Yeah!
- Sure do love their daddies, don't they?
320
00:15:40,993 --> 00:15:42,503
Oh, still hate me, huh?
321
00:15:42,504 --> 00:15:45,197
Well, we have plenty of time
to work that out in Ohio,
322
00:15:45,198 --> 00:15:47,332
back where people clean
their own houses...
323
00:15:47,333 --> 00:15:50,562
God, Nana... Sometimes you make
me so crazy, you know that?
324
00:15:50,563 --> 00:15:53,194
- The things you say...
- I am what I am,
325
00:15:53,195 --> 00:15:55,110
not about to change now.
326
00:15:55,874 --> 00:15:57,579
Then I guess I need to
remember that.
327
00:15:58,956 --> 00:16:01,366
When I saw you
"trick-or-treating" tonight,
328
00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:02,949
the way you were with Shania,
329
00:16:03,845 --> 00:16:05,280
it made me think.
330
00:16:06,055 --> 00:16:08,613
You're the one person who's
always been there for me.
331
00:16:10,629 --> 00:16:13,793
The only one actually. Ever.
332
00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:18,236
Goldie, what do you say to
the nice lady?
333
00:16:18,237 --> 00:16:20,108
Trick or treat?
334
00:16:20,409 --> 00:16:21,812
Thank you.
335
00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:25,079
Good girl, you remembered to
say thank you. I'm surprised.
336
00:16:25,305 --> 00:16:27,445
I'd like to think that
I'm a good mom.
337
00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:30,943
But... I didn't learn that
from my mom.
338
00:16:31,885 --> 00:16:33,352
I learned it from you.
339
00:16:34,735 --> 00:16:36,202
Thank you, Nana.
340
00:16:37,816 --> 00:16:40,969
Thank you for always
being here for us.
341
00:16:42,564 --> 00:16:46,211
I didn't really have a choice.
I couldn't just leave you.
342
00:16:46,212 --> 00:16:49,830
Sure you could have,
but you didn't.
343
00:16:49,831 --> 00:16:52,181
And even now that I'm all grown
up here in Los Angeles,
344
00:16:52,182 --> 00:16:55,731
with people and choices
you don't understand,
345
00:16:55,732 --> 00:17:00,219
still, you still haven't left.
346
00:17:02,950 --> 00:17:04,723
You know, I...
347
00:17:05,870 --> 00:17:07,827
I think I get mad at you...
348
00:17:09,476 --> 00:17:10,972
'cause I can.
349
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,601
'cause you're here.
350
00:17:19,837 --> 00:17:23,728
Would you just look at all the money
these homos spend on decorations.
351
00:17:23,729 --> 00:17:26,573
It's like they're being paid
per sin.
352
00:17:28,150 --> 00:17:29,577
I love you, Nana.
353
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,668
I appreciate you saying that.
354
00:17:38,056 --> 00:17:40,168
Shania,
tonight was awesome.
355
00:17:40,169 --> 00:17:42,869
We're gonna do this all the time,
when you're back in Ohio.
356
00:17:42,870 --> 00:17:45,256
But you know trick-or-treating's
just one night a year, right?
357
00:17:45,257 --> 00:17:47,962
The rest of the time there's
lots of important stuff to do.
358
00:17:47,997 --> 00:17:49,412
Like what?
359
00:17:49,413 --> 00:17:52,641
Pay bills, make breakfast,
and pack nut-free lunches,
360
00:17:52,642 --> 00:17:55,168
do homework with me, cuddle me in every night,
361
00:17:55,169 --> 00:17:56,569
just like mom does.
362
00:17:56,570 --> 00:17:58,202
Can you do all that?
363
00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:01,095
Of course, I'm your dad.
I love you.
364
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:04,558
I know you do. I mean, you're
fighting mom for custody,
365
00:18:04,559 --> 00:18:06,219
that means a lot to me,
366
00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:08,566
but the thing is,
you've never really been a dad,
367
00:18:09,267 --> 00:18:11,180
you've always been more like
a friend.
368
00:18:12,664 --> 00:18:14,064
Yeah, a best friend.
369
00:18:14,065 --> 00:18:16,349
But sometimes I need more than a friend.
370
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:19,916
I need a dad. A "dad" dad.
371
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,651
I want to be a good dad,
372
00:18:23,138 --> 00:18:24,941
but I don't know how.
373
00:18:25,655 --> 00:18:29,895
I mean, I was only 15 when I
met you, Shania.
374
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:37,979
I cannot believe this is our last
Halloween before we have a kid.
375
00:18:37,980 --> 00:18:40,229
After this, it's all going
to be about him or her.
376
00:18:40,230 --> 00:18:41,630
Still a little bit about me.
377
00:18:41,631 --> 00:18:43,281
It is amazing how kids
change you.
378
00:18:43,282 --> 00:18:46,725
I mean, back in med school, every year,
Ian's costume was the same,
379
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,555
"Tired Jew."
380
00:18:48,902 --> 00:18:51,136
This year he was a fairy!
381
00:18:51,137 --> 00:18:54,505
Well, if this is our last year
picking our own Halloween costumes,
382
00:18:55,193 --> 00:18:57,347
seems like it would be a shame to
let Tom Brady go to waste.
383
00:18:57,348 --> 00:18:59,293
You know, Tom Brady
is a quarterback,
384
00:18:59,294 --> 00:19:03,110
and you could get a flag
for roughing the passer.
385
00:19:03,111 --> 00:19:05,622
I have no idea what
you're talking about,
386
00:19:05,623 --> 00:19:07,387
but I like the way
you're saying it.
387
00:19:10,773 --> 00:19:12,215
What happened?
388
00:19:12,216 --> 00:19:14,800
An earthquake,
you can't always feel them.
389
00:19:14,801 --> 00:19:17,071
When you get a sec,
can you come downstairs?
390
00:19:18,153 --> 00:19:19,712
What's going on?
391
00:19:19,713 --> 00:19:21,696
I'm not good at a lot of things.
392
00:19:21,697 --> 00:19:24,048
- No kidding.
- And even though I want to be,
393
00:19:24,049 --> 00:19:26,719
I know I haven't been
a real good dad to Shania.
394
00:19:27,626 --> 00:19:31,410
You know, if being a better dad
means doing what's right for your kid,
395
00:19:31,411 --> 00:19:35,428
then the right thing for Shania
is to be here in L.A. with her mom.
396
00:19:35,861 --> 00:19:38,219
So, I'm dropping the custody case.
397
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:39,777
Holy hell.
398
00:19:39,778 --> 00:19:43,530
I love you, Shania,
and I want to be a better dad.
399
00:19:43,973 --> 00:19:46,630
You just did what a "dad" dad would do.
400
00:19:47,039 --> 00:19:48,534
Thank you.
401
00:19:51,681 --> 00:19:54,479
Since I'm in Califórnia,
guess what?
402
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,598
I'm an actor now.
403
00:19:57,711 --> 00:19:59,212
I think he's actually too smart.
404
00:19:59,213 --> 00:20:01,577
Could somebody please give me a Valium.
405
00:20:01,578 --> 00:20:03,705
Why don't you come with me
to West Hollywood?
406
00:20:03,706 --> 00:20:06,326
If they think we're
drag queens, we drink for free.
407
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:12,027
I think I would rather be drunk with
those freaks
408
00:20:12,028 --> 00:20:14,043
than sober with these.
409
00:20:16,684 --> 00:20:18,273
Bye, Thelma.
Bye, Louise.
410
00:20:18,274 --> 00:20:20,848
Come on everybody, grab a seat,
spooky movie time.
411
00:20:24,110 --> 00:20:26,440
Dad, would you mind sitting
next to me?
412
00:20:26,441 --> 00:20:28,501
This movie's pretty scary.
413
00:20:34,347 --> 00:20:36,449
Since when are you afraid
of scary movies?
414
00:20:36,550 --> 00:20:40,010
Oh, I'm not, but my dad gets
bad dreams.
415
00:20:49,475 --> 00:20:53,883
Hi, hey we just wanted to thank you for being
the house that passes out fruit on Halloween.
416
00:20:53,884 --> 00:20:56,812
Yes, it's what every 8-year-old
trick-or-treater is hoping for,
417
00:20:56,813 --> 00:20:58,910
Their full daily allowance
of vitamin C.
418
00:20:58,911 --> 00:21:01,287
I was just disappointed
it wasn't baby carrots.
419
00:21:01,322 --> 00:21:03,611
- Or throat lozenges.
- Or flu shots.
420
00:21:05,650 --> 00:21:07,750
- I think we made our point.
- Let's go find that house
421
00:21:07,751 --> 00:21:09,746
where they're passing out
the pencil erasers.
422
00:21:09,747 --> 00:21:11,590
Go deep, Rye, go deep!
423
00:21:11,591 --> 00:21:13,991
Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com
35245
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
