Original subtitles

[ Cheers and applause good evening

I'm your moderator, Chris Wallace.

And I think I'm going to do a really, really good job tonight.

First, I want to lay out the rules.

Which both parties agreed to in advance.

Each candidate will have two minutes uninterrupted.

Boring. Mr. President, I haven't even

introduced the candidates yet. Tell that to my Adderall,

Chris. Now let's get this show on the

road and off the rails and you did take the COVID

test you promised to take in advance, correct

absolutely. Scout's honor.

President Trump has already introduced himself

so let's now welcome the Democratic candidate

boo here comes the booing.

[ Laughter ] Former vice president of the

United States. Allegedly

>>. [ Laughter ]

And senator from Delaware not even a real state

Joe biden [ Cheers and applause

Mr. Vice president just one second, Chris.

[ Laughter ] Okay

it looks like you're ready to debate, Joe.

Absolutely not. But I've got the beginning of 46

fantastic ideas. I may or may not have access to.

[ Laughter ] Now, let's do this

I'm holding my bladder let's get at her

tonight we'll be discussing six major topics, none of which

anyone will remember by tomorrow

we begin with the supreme court. President Trump, two minutes

I'm going to do ten and I'd like to begin with a

list of complaints people are mean to me.

Joe here is very mean. Chris Wallace is mean.

The economy is mean. It keeps losing jobs

which is mean. To me.

The China virus has been very mean to me

and being a hoax and that statement is something

that I will -- probably come back to haunt me later this

week and what about the question I

asked you about the supreme court?

I think I already answered that question, Chris

we're very excited about our nominee, Amy Christina

Barcelona. It was so nice to welcome her

the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.

Mr. Vice president, same question

you have two minutes thank you, Chris.

Now, look. Here's the deal.

No, it's not. Excuse me

please could you just --

no. Whatever you're going to say,

no Mr. President

Mr. President, please let him speak.

He let you speak now let him speak.

But he's lying. I can't point out if he says a

lie? I said two words, you son of

a -- no. Don't do it, Joe

that's exactly what he wants don't let your inner whitey

bulger come out. Just flash them all that smile

they taught you in anger management

now, Mr. Vice president and only Mr. Vice president, would

you consider adding additional justices to the supreme court?

He won't even answer. I just asked the question

he won't even answer it just like he won't he answer

about his son hunter and burisma and the mayor of Moscow and

Obama was spying on me and he e-mailed Benghazi.

Mr. President, you're just listing terms you heard on fox

news it sounds like you're saying the

names of characters from season 4 of a show that no one has

watched. Sheriff of Portland

Mr. Vice president, your turn

look, here's the deal can I respond to that, Chris?

Will you just shut up, man? [ Cheers and applause

no, Joe. No

don't lose control it's what he's hoping for.

Okay

Where was I? You said "look, here's the

deal." okay.

Look, here's the deal. Nope

lost it. Come back to me.

I'll find it it's up here somewhere

Chris, can I say one thing? Am I allowed to say one thing?

Yes, Mr. President. What we need in this country

is law and order when someone breaks the rules,

they need to face the consequences

no exceptions. Okay.

What about your taxes? There have to be exceptions,

Chris. The terms law and order, they're

very vague terms and rules are meant to be

broken it's the same with masks

I've got mine right here in my pocket

okay it's right here.

[ Laughter ] But you don't need a mask all

the time it's like a seat belt.

You just wear it when you're backing out of the driveway,

then you can take it off [ Laughter ]

But Joe wears the biggest mask you've ever seen

and he's always standing like 200 feet away from people.

Look, man I'm a nice guy

but if you give me any more guff tonight I'll rip your face off

like a mad chimp [ Laughter ]

I'll knock that thing off your head and burn it

Bury it in the pet cemetery where it came from

stop it, Joe stop it.

You can't lose your cool just because this joker's raising

little monkey dust the country's counting on you.

Just stand here and look lucid [ Laughter ]

I know it. I know what'll calm me down.

My new Harry styles meditation tape

we dip our toes in cold wet sand

nice. We sit and face the sea

cleansing we let the waves watch over

us alone.

Just you and me. Hey

I think maybe I should listen to my meditation tape as well.

Ladies and gentlemen! Freedom, Liberty and the

American dream the best is yet to come!

Aaaaahhh all right, all right.

Can we please have a civilized dialogue

debates are a time-honored tradition and the bedrock of

American democracy gay

[ laughter ] Mr. President, if you keep

interrupting this debate, I'll do absolutely nothing about it

okay, okay. I'll be quiet.

I don't want to be dictated to

and I'm not going to be distracted anymore by this clown

tonight. Okay

I'm definitely going to concentrate.

I'm going to try to keep my -- what is that

where's that coming from Mr. President, please stop

using a laser pointer. It's not a laser pointer.

It's a wand that cures the COVID.

Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. [ Cheers and applause

both of you, just stop right now.

All right? You look at me, Donald

you do not treat my Joe like that

all right? Kamala, I got this.

Joe, let mamala go to work. [ Laughter ]

Now, Donald, I want you to apologize to Joe

he started it hey

hey! I don't care who started it.

All right? I don't even care who sharted

it you apologize to Joe

no I'm sorry

what's that I said sorry.

You know, look, I think if there's one thing we learned

tonight, it's that America needs a wap.

Woman as president [ Cheers and applause

but for now I'll settle for hvpic.

Hot vice president in charge so why don't the to owo of you

finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with dignity?

And when you're done I've got some pb and j and apple slices

waiting for you. Yummy

thank you, senator Harris. Oh, I am not done with you,

Chris. You will see me in my office

after debate ooh

ooh and finally, just to ensure

this is the worst presidential debate in history, I'd like to

close with white supremacy ooh, baby, come to papa

[ laughter ] Mr. President, I'll ask you

directly do you condemn white

supremacists condemn them?

I don't know any I mean, who are you even talking

about? The proud boys

the white boot the eugenics eagles?

I don't even know any of these groups

I certainly wouldn't even know how to signal them if I tried.

America, are you listening to this

the president of the united states is literally blowing a

dog whistle. [ Laughter ]

I don't think this thing is work

I don't hear anything. Mr. Vice president, your

closing statement. Well --

that is so unfair why don't I get to make a

closing statement first? After all, I am the pres---

[ laughter ] [ Cheers and applause

sorry, but I think we all needed a break

isn't that satisfying? Just not to hear his voice for a

single goddamn second. [ Cheers and applause

let's wall low in it let's bask in the trumplessness.

[ Laughter ] Now, Chris, could I speak

directly to the American people? Is it going to be weird

totally [ Laughter ]

Totally weird. America.

Look at me look directly into my eyeballs

you can trust me because I believe in science and

Karma. Now, just imagine if science and

Karma could somehow team up and send us all a message about how

dangerous this virus can be. [ Laughter ]

I'm not saying I want it to happen

just imagine if it did [ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause

Nope. Can't do it.

I'm going to leave him on pause. Oh, and one more thing

live from New York, it's Saturday night

Saturday night announcer: It's "Saturday

night live"! With -

Beck Bennett aidy Bryant.

Michael che. Pete Davidson.

Mikey day. Heidi gardner.

Colin jost Kate McKinnon.

Alex moffat. Kyle mooney.

Ego nwodim Chris redd

cecily strong. Kenan Thompson

Melissa villasenor featuring --

Andrew dismukes. Chloe fineman.

Lauren holt. Mikey Johnson.

Bowen Yang musical guest

Megan thee stallion. And your host, Chris rock.

♪

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris rock

[ cheers and applause ♪

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Before we even get started let's -- you know, the elephant

in the room. President Trump's in the

hospital from COVID

and you know, I just want to say my heart goes out to COVID

[ laughter ] This is a special show

this show is quite different than every other show.

There are so many -- everybody in this audience has been

checked and all week I've had things going up my nose.

Every day I come in here I haven't had so much stuff up

my nose since I shared a dressing room with Chris farley.

[ Laughter ] I've got to say, the audience,

this floor right here, are first respond -- what are they, first

responders all the audience right here.

[ Cheers and applause everybody here

they're first responders okay

they're so good, we let people die tonight so they could see a

good show. Okay

[ laughter ] Now, you know, everything's --

the world is insane right now. But one thing we can agree upon,

COVID has ruined our plans we all used to have plans before

COVID. Remember we used to be able to

plan stuff my sister was getting married.

I paid bell biv devoe $80,000. And I can't get it back.

[ Laughter ] I had tickets to Coachella, man.

I know 200,000 Americans are dead

but I'm not seeing rage against the machine this year, man

[ laughter ] That is a travesty

now, one thing I've noticed about this whole pandemic.

People are like reassessing their relationships.

That's the big thing taking inventory

you know, a lot of break-ups a lot of divorces.

And a lot of like renegotiations

you know couples stay together but

they're like okay, we're going to stay together but I'm telling

you exactly what I don't like about you right now.

[ Laughter ] If we're going to keep this

going you're going to have to change some stuff.

Okay and it's weird

we're doing that with our relationships.

All of us are doing that with our relationships.

But I think we need to renegotiate our relationship to

the government you know

[ applause ] It's like -- yeah, we need to

renegotiate our relationship to the government

it doesn't work. I mean, I think Joe biden should

be the last president ever [ Laughter ]

We need a whole new system okay

I mean, do we even need a president president?

Or just figure out a new way to do the job

I mean, what job do you have for four years no matter what?

[ Laughter ] Show me one job.

Like if you hired a cook and he was making people vomit every

day, do you sit there and go, "well, he's got a four-year

deal"? We've just got to vomit for four

more years [ Laughter ]

I mean, to be the president of the United States all you have

to be is 35 and born in the United States.

So you know, if anybody can be the president, then anybody can

be the president [ Applause ]

That's how we got in this predicament.

You know what I mean I mean, it should be some rules

to being the president you realize there's more rules

to a game show than running for president?

[ Laughter ] Like Donald Trump left a game

show to run for president because it was easier.

[ Laughter ] That's right

there's rules to be on "jeopardy.

You can't just jump on "jeopardy"

you can't throw your son on "jeopardy.

Or your son-in-law Steve Harvey can't put his

family on "family feud." [ Laughter ]

It's like real scrutiny, man and do the democrats even want

to win do they even want to win

it's like Trump, he runs against -- the democrats just

keep putting up 75-year-old people to run against Trump.

Now, hey, one thing we can say about Trump.

He got the most energy of any 75-year-old person on the face

of the earth even Mick Jagger's like, "slow

down, Donald." [ Laughter ]

You know, Trump is like -- he's like a dominant female boxer

he's like ronda rousey like damn, it she can fight.

And then you go, oh, she hitting girls.

[ Laughter ] We've got to figure out our

whole relationship we've got to renegotiate our

relationship to the government the senate and the congress

doesn't work no, it doesn't freaking work,

man. It doesn't work.

And why doesn't it work? Because they need freaking term

limits okay

we've agreed in the united states that we cannot have

kings. Yet we have Dukes and duchesses

running the senate and the congress making decisions for

poor people. [ Applause ]

That's right rich people making decisions for

poor people. That's like your handsome friend

giving you dating advice like I I think you should go

over there and grab her by the ass and tell her it's yours.

Yeah, that works for you, Idris. [ Laughter ]

Hey, we've got to take this serious.

We've got to get out there we've got to vote.

But they don't want us to vote the government does not want you

to vote. Why do I know they don't want

you to vote? Because election day's a Tuesday

in November. [ Laughter ]

Anybody here ever put something on a Tuesday in November

does anybody get married on a Tuesday in November?

Church ain't on a Tuesday. [ Laughter ]

Even Jesus avoids Tuesday. [ Laughter ]

You know, if this show was Tuesday night live, it would

have got canceled in 1975. [ Laughter ]

I mean, that's why we've got to vote, man.

And we've got to take it seriously.

We've got to take it serious you know, like I watch the

Republicans take it serious. You know, you watch fox news,

Sean hannity's mean. Every day!

He's looking you in the camera, he's telling you it's the end of

the world. Listen to me

and every time I see Anderson Cooper, he's with Andy Cohen on

new year's Eve, blowing a kazoo. [ Laughter ]

Drinking Rose. It's like of course they believe

Sean you know, Walter cronkite was

like the most respected man in news

you know why 'cause we never saw him in

shorts [ Laughter ]

Okay but we've got to take this

serious, man we've got to take the whole

government serious we've got to take the --

everything going on right now, we can lick this

okay we can beat this if we all work

together you know, James Baldwin said,

not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be

changed until it's faced okay

[ cheers and applause all right?

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Megan thee stallion is here. So stick around!

And we'll be right back. [ Cheers and applause

action 9 news at 5:00. Our top story, a potential

super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh

federal building with more on this we go to

Dylan Bertram at the scene Dylan, it seems like this story

is going really -- viral some? Uh, that's in poor taste,

Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf

here's what we know so far health officials are attempting

to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal

building today, home to the legal change of name office,

after an employee tested positive for COVID-19.

I'm joined by two women who were on the way up to the third floor

to change their names when it was evacuated.

Tell us your names and what happened

Edith puthie. I'm sorry

I said Edith puthie I'm flattered, ma'am, but no

thank you. No, Edith puthie is my name

Irma gerd oh my god is right.

No, Irma gerd is my name. Oh, I see

I've got it now. I'm sorry.

Miss puthie, just curious. What were you planning on

changing your name to? Well, I was thinking of any

name that's not Edith puthie Dylan, I hate to pull you way

from miss put hichlt e just as you were getting into it but I'm

told the health department has a statement.

Good afternoon. I'm Dr. Kevin Joseph from

Pittsburgh's contact tracing program.

We're still trying to locate the following people who were in the

name change office today Burton Ernie

Alma holzhert. Ben ladden

and deepa daddy. Mm.

Whatever you say, girl sorry.

We're also looking for Duncan Dixon-coffey.

Finn gurbang and moe lestin Jr.

[ Laughter ] Now I'd like to address the

rumor about Tess tichol. A young woman who visited the

name change office today reports she lost her sense of

taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess tichol I just

examined smelled and tasted great.

It did? Good for you, man

I'm sorry. Thank you

all right we'll keep our eyes peeled in

case Tess tichol pops out. No word on when the office will

reopen, leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated.

Like this man, Mr. Mike rodick oh, it's, uh, rodick.

You stress the ro. Rodick

sorry to be annoying, but it makes a difference

not a problem Mike rodick was one of a -

sorry I'm the worst, but the longer

you pause between Mike and rodick the better it is for me

nothing crazy. Just like Mike, little pause,

rodick okay.

Maybe it's easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Sure. I'm going with my mom's maiden

name, litt l-i-t-t.

Okay. Great.

I'm here with Mike litt. Sorry, Dylan.

The department of health has an update

hopefully you can find Mike litt later and finish what you

started there. But, now let's go to Dr. Joseph.

I'd like to thank this man who was turned away from the

name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace.

Mr. Jeffrey Epstein. Jeffrey b. Epstein.

In my book, Jeffrey Epstein is a hero.

You forgot that "b" again very important "b.

I'm proud to call Jeffrey Epstein a friend

you -- you're going to wish you didn't say that.

Thank you all right

well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffrey Epstein did

Ashley Dylan, we've got a little

more time. Any chance of getting back to

Mike litt? Uh, you know, he was right

under my nose, but I lost him. [ Laughter ]

Well, you stay down there and keep poking around

I will, but no promises it's a real mess down here

[ laughter ] I bet

more on this story as it develops

for action 9 news I'm Ashley spitzer-swallows.

[ Cheers and applause

♪ ♪ hello hello hello hello

got your mask on I can get lost

in your eyes all day ♪ ♪ face time all night

go to slee just tal

about everything ♪ ♪ spend a month

a week and three day and I want you in so man

ways but there's ♪ ♪ one thing getting

in the way I still ain'

seen the bottom ♪ ♪ of your fac

what's up with the bottom of your fac

bottom of your face ♪ ♪ what it look like

♪ what's up wit the bottom of your fac

let me see it baby bottom of your fac

what's up with ♪ ♪ million dollar smil

lower chin like leno it's strange

you're by yourself looking ♪ ♪ like bane

ain't seen your whole fac

but I know your ♪ ♪ dog's nam

it's sic how your mas

matches your fit ♪ ♪ but do you got your

teeny tiny lip won't sham

what you look like ♪ ♪ baby let's go

drop that mask to the -

floor ♪ ♪ what's up with the bottom of

your face ♪ ♪ show the bottom baby

♪ what's up with the bottom of your face ♪

♪ what's up with that ♪ boy shut up yeah yeah

we've been talking for a minute

but this dude ♪ ♪ want me maskles

in a pandemi he don't car

about your health ♪ ♪ he just wants to see yo

topless pulling up to his cri

swallowing his chocolate ♪ ♪ you want to see

the bottom of my fac take your hat of

show me how that head ♪ ♪ is shaped

I bet money that that hairline crooked take the beard off and

show me how the jaw looking ♪ ♪ okay y'all took

this the way I ain't mean ♪

♪ next he gonna say we shouldn't

get vaccin you probably think ♪

♪ we also can't vot your body is your choice

your mind is your thoughts ♪

♪ your Booty is your voic boy stop

ya'll wanna hot girl or not ♪

♪ they trying t catch corona for the wap

they got the right one we can tease them all day ♪

♪ but let's give them what they want

bottom of your fac they about to show it to u

bottom of your face ♪ ♪ what's up wit

the bottom of your fac I can almost see I

I don't think you understand ♪ oh, she made me say it.

But you don't know what the hell she look like.

There could be a whole ecosystem living under that thing.

♪ She also may have only one big tooth

sneaky - hiding her giuliani teeth ♪

♪ life's a roller coaster ♪ before you go

back to that place you've got to se

the bottom of their face ♪ ♪ bottom of their fac

whoo hello ♪

[ Cheers and applause

♪ Tony hawk, you've done it

again. "Pro skater 2" far surpasses the

original Brad, dinner's almost ready

this is your ten-minute warning. I heard you the first time,

Rachel please call me "mom."

Hey, whatever no wonder dad left to become a

priest now if I could just grind this

lunch table like a p-i-m-p ♪

Hello, Zach hey, what's up?

Whoa, are you like a ghost yeah, I'm like a ghost.

But specifically a ghost from the future

and I have something important to show you.

Okay. Just one sec

I'll be right with you seriously, can you pause it

go ahead, dude, I'm listening.

Frick, I almost landed that combo.

I was going to show you what your future was like

but if you just want to play your little skateboard game,

that's fine. Wait, see my future

yeah, I'll pause my game for that frickin' crap

hey, hopefully I live at the playboy mansion.

You don't okay.

Well, then hopefully I'm married to Eliza dushku and the mom from

"spy kids. Well, you might want to lower

those expectations here

take a look. ♪

Whoa. Hey.

Is that me this is you in 2020

okay a global pandemic sends your

life into a tailspin you lose your job and you have

to move back in with your mom. And this is all you ever do.

Oh, my god. Yeah.

I know right?

I can't believe it. Those graphics

are fricking insane! Holy frig!

They look like real! Frig

no, no, no. Forget about the graphics.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah

I'll just forget about the most amazing thing I've ever seen

seriously, are you blind did you look at the clips while

playing with yourself? It looks like real

and what the frig kind of console is that?

A PlayStation 2? Ps2

no that's an old ps4.

4 oh, god.

I think I just nutted for the first time in my life.

[ Laughter ] You didn't.

Okay. And is that a wireless

controller can I have 2020 now, please?

Can you please just stop fixating on the game and take

this seriously yeah, yeah.

I'll take this seriously right after I do this.

♪ ♪ those graphic

I just saw the mos awesome graphics

and suddenly this game ♪ ♪ will never be the Sam

those graphics ♪ stop with the song parodies,

you goofy ass. Hey, man.

You don't understand? In 20 years the world as you

know it is going to change forever.

Look hey

that's my mom. Oh, wow.

And she's a dentist now. [ Laughter ]

Zach, everything okay nah

this Wi-Fi sucks ass why don't you start an onlyfans

so we can afford a second router

hey, hey, hey that is no way to talk to your

mother this is my wife, damn it

hold up my mom married kenan Thompson?

[ Laughter ] What

"my mom married kenan Thompson."

Coming to peacock this fall.

There's a new face in daytime.

Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers

after seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn

in the other direction I am just like you.

A boho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was 6

it's "the drew Barrymore show."

How drew you do tune in to see her have a

blast by herself in a big empty studio

totally motally otally. Watch as she connects to her

zoom audience. Thank you for being my vffs,

virtual friends forever. Drew gives back to worthy

families in the best way she can.

How are you holding up? You know it's been tough.

My husband and I are working from home and we have almost

$50,000 in hospital bills. I feel that, Linda.

And that's why we're paying to renovate your walk-in closet

and don't worry about her being mean to the crew

thank you they say she maintains eye

contact too long and is too emotionally supportive

just -- I'm a hugger.

No. Okay.

Thank you be the third wheel in a

celebrity catch-up my best friend Reese

Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

You are literally -- I marvel at you.

I love you. I want to come into your room

and murder you with a butter spoon.

Get drew's take on the news hot off the press, brushing

your teeth is a game changer and stay tuned for a

harrowing catch-up between drew and her ex-husband Tom green

it's been what, 15 years? Yeah.

Would you like some sausage? You want guests

drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.

Like Nicole Kidman thank you for allowing me to

be on your show. Drew, this is your show

oh, my god. Thank you.

At least someone's enjoying 2020

and now sensational homosexual Billy Porter singing

to a flower. ♪ edelweiss

♪ oh ♪ ay, ay, ay, ay

is this happening or am I kind of high

"the drew Barrymore show. You're in your bed anyway.

Just watch it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Megan thee stallion.

[ Cheers and applause

♪ ♪ I'm a savag

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I'm still that, ay ♪ ♪ I'm a savag

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♪ if you don't jump to put jeans o

baby, you don't feel my pain hol' up ♪

♪ I'm a savag classy, bougie, ratche

sassy, moody, nasty ♪ ♪ acting stupid

what's happening what's happening ♪

♪ I'm a savag classy, bougie, ratche

sassy, moody, nasty ♪ ♪ acting stupid

what's happening what's happening ♪

The most disrespected, unprotected, neglected person in

America is the black woman who taught you to hate the

texture of your hair, the color of your skin, the shape of your

nose who taught you to hate from the

top of your head to the soles of your feet?

Daniel Cameron is no different than the sellout

negros that sold our people into slavery.

We need to protect our black women and love our black women

because at the end of the day we need our black women

we need to protect our black men and stand up for our black men

because at the end of the day we need our black men

♪ I'm a savag classy, bougie, ratche

sassy, moody, nasty ♪ ♪ acting stupid

what's happening what's happening ♪

♪ I'm a savag classy, bougie, ratche

sassy, moody, nasty ♪ ♪ acting stupid

what's happening what's happening ♪

♪

[ Cheers and applause

update" with Colin jost and Michael che.

[ Cheers and applause hello.

Good evening, everyone welcome to "weekend update.

I'm Michael che. I'm Colin jost.

Well, say what you will about 2020, but it's got moves

[ laughter ] This news was a lot for us to

process a day before we came back on the air after four

months off and it all happened so fast,

I woke up yesterday and heard the president had mild symptoms.

Then four hours later, he was getting medevaced to a hospital

in what looked like the last chopper out of Vietnam

[ laughter ] I have to say, it's a bad sign

for America that when Trump said he tested positive for a virus

60% of people were like, prove it

[ laughter ] It's been very weird to see all

these people who clearly hate Trump come out and say we wish

him well I think a lot of them are just

guilty that their first wish came true.

[ Laughter ] Yeah, well, you know,

politics aside, this is awful news for us because Trump was

actually supposed to host "SNL" next week.

[ Laughter ] Okay, serious voice.

While in the hospital the president isn't allowed to see

any guests, but he is expected to be visited by three ghosts.

[ Laughter ] Probably one from the past, one

from his -- okay, look, this is weird.

Because a lot of people on both sides are saying there's nothing

funny about Trump being hospitalized with coronavirus.

Even though he mocked the safety precautions for the coronavirus.

And those people are obviously wrong.

There's a lot funny about this maybe not from a moral

standpoint but mathematically, if you were

constructing a joke, this has all the ingredients you need

[ laughter ] The problem is it's almost too

funny. Like it's so on the nose

it would be like if I were making fun of people who wear

belts and then my pants just immediately fell down

[ laughter ] A new poll shows that 75% of

lgbtq voters support Joe biden but 0% of them support Joe biden

guessing what the b, t, and q stand for.

[ Laughter ] I have to say you know who's got

my support for president NBA commissioner Adam silver

he somehow built a bubble that is better than anything our

government could come up with. Instead of stopping the bubble

when the season ends, why don't they just slowly expand it until

it covers the whole country? [ Laughter ]

Just saying. By the way, is anyone

surprised by this? I honestly thought Trump was

trying to get coronavirus. I thought it was like "groundhog

day" when bill Murray just knew he couldn't die.

And he was just trying anything. So all those maskless rallies

Trump was having, that was him being safe

look, I don't want the president to die, obviously.

Actually, I wish him a very lengthy recovery

[ laughter ] [ Applause ]

I will say that despite everything President Trump

actually seems to be in good spirits.

He tweeted a message that ended with "love" and three

exclamation points uh-oh

so it sounds like they're cutting his hydroxychloroquine

with a little bit of Molly [ Laughter ]

And then this is good. Just hours ago Trump released a

video from the hospital saying he's in better health, which is

great news, though I will point out that if the situation were

reversed and it was biden who got sick Trump would 100% be at

a maskless rally tonight getting huge laughs doing an impression

of biden on a ventilator just saying.

Just saying. This week a judge blocked

America's ban on the Chinese-owned app tiktok, which

the White House claims is a threat to national security.

And here to comment is Chinese trade minister chin bao.

Mm! What's popping, Michael che?

Tray daddy drop the addy it's good to see you, chin.

You're the one overseeing this tiktok deal?

No one else could do it but me

'cause I'm a savage. Classy, loyal, loyal supplicant

to the communist party [ Laughter ]

Well, speaking of that, there's concern the government

of China could be stealing our data, our user data with this

tiktok app what do you think of that?

Okay, you're worried we're stealing your identity

honey, your phone unlocks with your face.

Plus America steals Chinese stuff every day.

Banning parts of the Internet, arresting protesters

fireworks? It's the hypocrisy for me, che

[ laughter ] So you're not collecting our

user data? I mean, sure, we have it.

But none of it is even that juicy.

Like oh, you googled cousin Greg shirtless 20 times last month?

You're not quirky. You're just horny, Savannah.

[ Laughter ] Who is Savannah

oh, just some girl who said "she's doing the work on racism"

from her family's house in nantucket.

Boat shoe-wearing bitch. [ Laughter ]

Well, the deal requires that tiktok be partially owned by an

American company, which is most likely going to be Walmart

oh, Walmart brick and mortar

cool how long did that brainstorm

last look, if you said name an

American company and I said Walmart, that would make me

racist [ Laughter ]

But I guess cracker barrel didn't want to play ball

all right so you seem pretty annoyed

I mean, yeah, I'm salty, che. This has been a really hard time

for China. Because of the virus?

No, because live action "mulan" was just okay.

No songs, no mushu, no thank $30 from me Disney plus.

But does all this make you worry about the future of

tiktok oh no, babe, you cannot stop

tiktok we took videos and we made them

shorter. We took babies and we made them

cuter. We took lip-syncs and we made

them straight. [ Laughter ]

So you want to stop China and get in the way of us

well, I just checked my fenty collab rolex and you're running

out of time. So -

girl don't do it it's not worth it.

I'm not going to do it, girl I was just thinking about it

I'm not going to do it tiktok!

Chen biao, everybody. I did it.

I did it I did it

Mitch McConnell, seen here calmly watching an injured puppy

try to cross a busy high way, said that the senate would move

forward with a vote on Trump's supreme court nominee even

though he denied Obama's nominee a vote in 2016

and if that makes you angry at Mitch McConnell, you're going to

be really upset when you find out your anger sexually excites

him. The Tennessee titans halted

in-person workouts after three players tested positive for the

coronavirus. Well, I guess we've got to

cancel the whole season and forget it ever happened, said

the New York jets. This is fun.

A Canadian woman was fined more than $25,000 for illegally

importing bull semen meanwhile, in the U.S. bull

semen is sold legally under the name white claw.

[ Laughter ] A new law has been passed in

California requiring companies to have more diversity in their

board of directors which is how I forced my way

onto the board of b.E.T. [ Laughter ]

B.e.t. There's going to be some changes

around here. [ Laughter ]

The CDC reported that there's a salmonella outbreak

involving people who have pet bearded dragons.

So if you have one at home, remember to cook them all the

way through. [ Laughter ]

Actor vin diesel has released a dance music song

called "feel like I do." And look, I know a lot of people

are making fun of them and saying it's terrible and he

should stick to acting [ Laughter ]

A 7-year-old -- a 7-year-old boy in Pennsylvania set a new

world record by bouncing on a pogo stick over 2,000 times in a

row. Said the boy's parents, "open

the schools! [ Laughter ]

Tourism and airplane travel have been hit especially hard by

the coronavirus this year. Here to comment on the changing

state of her industry is seventh grade travel expert Carrie crum.

Chrpz chrnz [ Cheers and applause

whoa! I missed you, Michael.

I missed you too. So how was your summer

it was awesome. My mom bought me a chef's hat

for when I make pizza and my brother shot me twice with a

paintball gun. Well, that's pretty

impressive so Carrie, you must have been

sad that you couldn't take any of your fun trips this summer.

Oh, Michael, being at home is the ultimate vacation.

You've got my room, my small room, a small decorative box

filled with my baby teeth, and an irrigation ditch where all my

pets were laid to rest and did you know, Michael,

church is illegal right now? So we listen to it on the radio.

And Michael? Michael?

I looked into church in a tankini.

[ Laughter ] Well, that all sounds very

fun. So what are some tips on how

people can enjoy a good staycation

oh, well, bring the beach to you with something my family

likes to call the hose in the driveway

it's like a refreshing pool where you don't have to know how

to swim and the water tastes like dirt and metal.

[ Laughter ] Okay, Carrie.

What about something fun for kids going back to school

online you've got to make the best

of the hard times. I am loving computer school.

I'm never on mute. I'm always talking, always

moving, and I can't stop looking at myself.

And I didn't think that I could ever have a crush over zoom.

But Jack mathers, I mean, during social studies, I can see his

bedroom. [ Laughter ]

And Michael? Michael?

He's got a big lizard in there bad boy.

[ Laughter ] Okay.

All right. Well, is it hard to not hang out

with your friends at least well, technically, I'm never

alone because fairies are real and when it rains it becomes

easier to see them so it sounds like you

actually sort of thrived in quarantine

well, yeah. Except for -- well, my mom says

I need to get a -- [ Mumbling ]

A what? A tank top with support

it's not a bra, but it do press down

oh, my god. Yeah, and then my brother

Mitchell found it. He put it on

and then stuffed toilet paper in like the holders

and he was walking around doing like a chichi dance.

And I screamed so loud that my dad thought I'd been hurt.

Whatever, though, because I started drinking sprite out of a

coffee cup I'm an adult

Carrie krum, everybody. For "weekend update" I'm

Michael che. Colin jost.

Good night

Live from big thunder mountain hotel in Orlando, it's

the nbabubble draft finals wit your host, patrice soupsalad

welcome, welcome, welcome during this unique basketball

season our players have been completely isolated from their

wives, their girlfriends, and whoever else they might want to

see. Now that we've reached the

finals, these lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA

bubble this is the "NBA bubble draft.

Brought to you by summer's Eve, lysol wipes

because you may have sat in something and you don't want to

get it that way. Now, these women may not get

a championship ring, but they could get the next best thing.

18 years of child support. Let's pick the top draft picks

I'm Candice, and I've got a really impressive resume

lil' Wayne, lil dicky, Wesley snipes, and two years of nursing

school show block

I'm queenie, a former hockey ho in two sports

I used to follow the canucks but now I follow the kanicks

I'm kitty and I'm an essential worker here to shoot

my shot. So you're a COVID nurse

sure. Seeing a lot of promise here

today. It's going to be difficult to

choose the smartest and the prettiest and the most down, if

you know what I mean how'd I get this bag?

How'd I get this ring? Well, let's just say it's velvet

down there hey, is that girl laughing at

me sweetheart, that's a cutout

of a face. Well, she got a stank face

and she flat as hell hey, is this where the

Seattle storm and the Las Vegas aces are staying

I think you're looking for the wnba

right you are, sir. Love is love.

And love is basketball who's next

my husband and I have been together since high school

we have five kids and I am his rock

but he already told me he wasn't allowed in the bubble, so I am

just here to send my man some love

well, you are allowed in the bubble

you just have to quarantine. Oh.

Interesting. That is not the information that

had been previously relayed to me

but now that I am privy to this, my husband is a dead man

things are heating up how y'all doing

I'm c.J. And I've been here for 60 days.

Because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I

can't stop ordering buffalo wild wings.

The bubble is tight no ordering outside food

it's all right because I made it to day 13

so I am good hey, I have a buffalo wild

wings delivery here. I said contactless delivery

man. Hi.

I'm quarantining in Disney world anyway

I used to work in the hall of presidents

I played Monica Lewinsky but then I got older

bills. And now I get to be goofy.

Marry me, basketball oh, sorry, I should put on my

mask [ Laughter ]

You know what that sound means.

A draft pick has been made please welcome NBA commissioner

Adam silver. Hey

good work, soupsalad being here today proves that

even being in a pandemic you can't keep a good host down.

That being said our point guard beautiful wife Michelle is here.

So obviously -- change of plans

I choose her oh, my god!

I promise you won't regret this. Okay

it's been a long journey to get here

all the dms. All the thirst trappings

you got my Amazon wish list, right?

Mm-hmm. Love you.

First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces

this has been the NBA bubble draft.

And now the stunt performers guild presents,

an epic virtual fight. I wish I could be back on set

doing kick-ass stunts with my friends.

Wait a minute. We can do it from home

ya! Ya

oh. Oh, no way

uh oh, no.

Not today. You rotten kids

my ass hi.

We are the stunt performers of America

just like you, we can't wait to get back to work.

We want to be doing epic car chases

sick knife fights karate and motorcycle jumps

and our expertise is mostly falling down and getting hit in

the crotch by kids yeah, we stunt double for

villains and children's comedies

so, I typically play the fat authoritative woman who people

like to see get hurt real bad. I'm usually getting tossed.

Body going "aah" through the air and kids are cheering.

That's probably me we love what we do.

And there's all different kinds of stunts.

Nothing makes me happier than jumping through fire

or leaping off a helicopter or getting kicked into a

dumpster by a cow. For the purposes of children's

comedy yeah, it's been six months

since I've been able to use my number one skill, which is of

course farting from being hit in the head

and we're from the old school

we're not faking those farts no.

I mean, it helps the kids understand that we're not

actually being hurt. We are just being hit so hard

that farts are coming out. You might not know us but we

help make some of your favorite movies

I drove the Maserati in "furious 7."

I was an Amazon warrior in "wonder woman.

And I played ugly shusher in "cool kid library" and also evil

lunch lady in "camp bitch. And I was the star of

"nurse wedgie. In this one part, the kid

switched my hat for an octopus and then I stumbled face first

into a toilet. Which was hard because then we

had to go and shoot the scene. Got to stay strong.

Got to stay in shape. Yeah, don't want to lose our

ass calluses one, two, three, four

these stunts hurt I've been bit in the vagina by a

dog more times than I can count. And the dogs don't understand

it's pretend so if you want them to let go

you've got to cut their heads off.

So everybody, please. Wear your mask

stay home. And hang in there.

So we can do more of this. Ha!

Hya! Oh, you -

[ fart sound ] Not in my library

the stunt performers association of America

shameful stunts call today plau ][ Apse

once again, Megan thee stallion

[ cheers and applause

♪ ♪ real hot girl

ah, ayy ♪ ♪ I got a stank

walk walk walk and a reckless mouth

and my, so tight ♪ ♪ when we, my, talk

♪ I don't even sa what's u

I just tell hi what I want ♪

♪ cause I got another that's gon' do I

if he don't, ah ♪ ♪ attitude ba

too good when he sa

me, I tell him, me good ♪ ♪ chase these

I wish I would bad like m

wish they could ♪ ♪ she a Casper to m

I need glasses to se in the mall with her daddy

she a, to me ♪ ♪ you ain't, him righ

pass him to me real, love me from

the h to the d ♪ ♪ don't sto

pop that cat mmm, mmm

just like that ♪ ♪ mmm, mm

shake that shake that

mmm, mmm ♪ ♪ work it, work I

don't stop, pop that cat mmm, mmm

just like that ♪ ♪ mmm, mm

shake that, shake that hmm, hmm

work it, work it ♪ ♪ patek, just for the day

say she gotta go roll the Ace of spades ♪

♪ and she catch a col when she rock the chains

but let me see pinky and the brain ♪

♪ our baby mama ain't the same, no

she like, baby daddy ice my chain ♪

♪ she 'bout to and give me top like a crane

you a, but you gang ♪ ♪ shake what your

doctor gave ya and I'ma ice your wrists

like a player ♪ ♪ doctor Miami add layers

now, is fat like a acr come to the spot

and we lay up ♪ ♪ and I'll crea

that, like mayos ever since

I got my cake up ♪ ♪ I been runnin these

like the mayor don't stop, hatchback ♪

♪ shakin that on snapchat, yea

off the script and shakin that ♪

♪ what you'll d for these rack, rack

where my thots at ♪ ♪ I just freed this

like a bird, yeah ♪ ♪ where my thots at

let me hit I from the bac

say, slatt, slatt ♪ ♪ don't sto

pop that cat mmm, mmm

just like that ♪ ♪ mmm, mm

shake that shake that

mmm, mmm ♪ ♪ work it, work I

don't stop, pop that cat mmm, mmm

just like that ♪ ♪ mmm, mm

shake that, shake that hmm, hmm

work it, work it ♪ ♪ I'm gon' blow him like ac

give me big, like it lick, lick, lick

me 'til I scream ♪ ♪ twist his tongu

like I, I mean I mean my body

so out of this world ♪ ♪ change my at name

to astrogirl people say I'm

way too full of myself ♪ ♪ you're righ

and I ain't even made it to dessert, ah ♪

♪ Buffy, no angel star, no spangle

forty-inch weave by kellon don't tangle ♪

♪ call my drug dealer boyfriend on tango

use the taji when I'm eatin a mango ♪

♪ yeah, I get jealous if you ate it real goo

I can't help it ♪ ♪ any, you with

you need to dead I fore I come throug

and get hectic, ah ♪ ♪ don't sto

pop that cat mmm, mmm

just like that ♪ ♪ mmm, mm

shake that shake that

mmm, mmm ♪ ♪ work it, work I

don't stop, pop that cat mmm, mmm

just like that ♪ ♪ mmm, mm

shake that, shake that hmm, hmm

work it, work it ♪ shake that, shake that

hmm, hmm work it, work it ♪

♪ don't sto pop that cat

mmm, mmm just like that ♪

♪ mmm, mm shake that

shake that mmm, mmm ♪

♪ work it, work I don't stop, pop that cat

mmm, mmm just like that ♪

♪ mmm, mm shake that, shake that

hmm, hmm work it, work it ♪

[ Cheers and applause

Hey, I want to thank Megan thee stallion, young dub, Alec

Baldwin, Jim carrey, Maya Rudolph.

Yes. And the whole cast of "SNL."

Thank you so much! Wear a mask!

Wear a mask. Be safe out there!

♪