Original subtitles

Are you ready to be reborn?

ALL: Yes we are.

Defo!

Then step through the walls of the vagina, baby first, placenta second.

Baby holding placenta's hand.

And become.

Lovely.

(quietly) ..placenta second. Lovely.

Slow. Hi guys, congratulations.

Gorgeous. Hi Mags, how are you? Baby first, placenta second.

Eh, no placenta?

Oh, my placenta bailed on me.

Can I still be reborn?

Oh, well we don't recommend it. You'll be lacking the nutrition.

I mean we could try? Ehh.

Please? Ohh...

No. (chuckles) It's just it's kinda hard to a...

( makes beeping noise) back up the birth canal.

(sighs) Ok, fine.

Be reborn.

Look, what if you made a mistake?

Aidan, we've tried and tried to make this work.

Look, I love you, you love me,

so why does it feel like it isn't enough?

Maybe it isn't enough.

Look, I think it's best for us both if we move on.

Now you are reborn. You feel completely different, don't you?

That's 187 euro.

You can pay on your way out.

Back in and back out, and back in again. (laughing)

It's gas. Stan!

I brought you along on my solo freelance adventure

to help me build a brand, not to watch me be born,

and unborn and reborn all over again.

That's not what I'm paying you for. You're not paying me.

Exactly.

And why is that? Because you've no money.

And why would that be Stan?

Because you left the job you actually were being paid for.

And why would that be? Ok,

I don't know the answer to that one. Refreshing, well done Stan.

You make a beautiful baby Joy. Aw, thank you Emer.

But it's also a major rebirth metaphor.

Is it still a metaphor if that's literally what's happening?

Yeah. Yes?

100 percent of the audience are gonna get this. Ok.

Guys, I got on board with this paired back Joy,

2.0 set up because it's all about control.

Ok? We need to reclaim our vaginas from the patriarchy.

Absolutely. My penis is the worst.

Ok, and without further ado...

Are these bum wipes?

Wipes, yeah.

They're sponsoring this week's rebirthing piece on your channel.

Sponsor, love that, so cool.

Yeah, a sponsor is cool but Emer,

do you think that we could get like better... Sponsors?

Yeah. Like, glowy skin care stuff?

Yeah, like eyelash serum. Eyelash serum!

Eyebrow serum. Eyebrow serum!

Face serum. Face serum, absolutely.

Just get your subscriber numbers up. Ok? No pressure.

Let's all hope you were reborn a workaholic, Joy.

Cos we all need to get paid.

Otherwise it's curtains.

(laughs)

Stan. Yeah.

Oh my God Emer, look at this.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go.

Emer, look. Joy.

I'm on this desk today. Yeah, no. I know we did discuss it,

and I take your point that it's a desk rotation space.

But I don't think that means that we need to rotate the desks.

It's just that I've got an important project on Joy,

and I'm under a bit of pressure, and I need a desk.

This desk is rubbish.

If I sit here,

I've to go all the way over there to pick up my photocopies.

And I've got 4 hours to find a way of marketing scallions

in a sexy way that doesn't objectify them.

Are they lady scallions? Yes.

So I am under pressure.

Time is money. Scallions are money.

Scallions, plus time divided by money.

Oh my God, just kiss already.

The sexual tension's too much.

Emer.

There's literally no sexual tension.

STAN: Great. Yeah Emer.

I mean it's not as if I've ended up sharing a tiny office space

with someone I had a really awkward one night stand with.

Bloody knew it.

Well isn't that Dublin for you guys.

She did say that she thought that it was in, but like just for a minute.

Maybe less. Emer.

Emer! Sorry guys.

Emer. What? Too much.

Ok next up, finding your roots.

Genealogy. Nah, I don't wanna do that.

My mum is convinced

that her great-grandfather murdered a couple of people from...

from the countryside.

Maybe they were farmers. I'd say they were farmers.

Or shepherds. Shepherds or farmers I guess.

I just feel that could get awkward for old Joy face here.

What if we got a nice hair dye sponsor link in?

You know, back to your roots. You know,

that was so long ago and I'm obsessed with roots.

I'll ask my mum if it's ok. Why d'ya need to ask your mum?

Isn't your great-grandfather dead?

He's beyond dead. Legally you're fine then I'd say.

Ok cool. Ok thanks Karen,

if you could just...

So other challenges from the viewers.

Yeah. Wear a cat in a papoose. Shite.

Sing everything you say for a day. Yes! Yeah.

I'm walking down the street

And now I'm going to the toilet

Clearly doesn't work.

Em, play kiss chase with total randomers on the street.

Ok, what I will say is that that is just completely illegal

for adults under EU, on account that is sexual assault.

And even worse than that,

I don't know if any of those hold the key to lasting life long happiness.

Those are dares Emer. My idea.

Ok.

dramatic music School.

You're going back to your old school Joy.

Oh my. Do you know,

I would love to go back to there. Are you sure?

Yes I'm sure. You don't sound sure.

Yes. Great. Because it's an amazing idea.

Do you like eggs? I like scrambled eggs.

Coming right up.

(laughter)

That's more like a fried egg.

I'm sorry, did I get your order wrong?

No.

Thanks Becky.

Did she just breathe?

(gagging) For the DNA piece,

it's gonna take at least a week to get the results back.

But for now, you're going back to school. Yes. Yes!

(laughs) Yes.

Facing your past, facing your future everyone.

The new Joy 2.0, literally born yesterday.

That's what this is about. More subscribers,

and getting loads of free stuff.

Come on Philip!

Make scallions sexy again!

Yep. Freelance legal Karen,

what have you got for me? Come on, come on Karen!

Just trying to get a court injunction over the line

in relation to child human slavery.

Come on.

I'd-I'd cut that.

I'm sorry, I don't control the cards!

(sobbing) It's not an exact science.

(sobbing loudly)

I told her her husband was never gonna leave her.

Some people just don't wanna hear the truth.

Speaking of which, hi landlady.

Hiya. (tires screeching)

Oh, I also predicted difficulty crossing the road to be fair.

She ok? She'll be fine.

(sighs)

You know Christie,

if I had know that reading tarot was your only source of income,

I might have been a little bit more worried about

you being able to pay the rent.

And eating all my yoghurts! What's in your future,

is me replacing them by tomorrow. Promise.

Christie, being freelance is so hard. I understand that. But I need rent.

And I really need my bifidus actiregularis.

What's more important?

Yoghurt.

How 'bout I make it up to you by reading your cards?

No, no way. No, absolutely no way.

Also, if my cards are bad I'm just gonna follow you around the house

looking really sad and really worried like this.

Ok, you've got a point there.

I've never lived with one of my patients before.

You know the way you said patients there,

you do know that tarots like not medical. It is!

It's like when they say laughter is the best medicine.

(inhales deeply)

That is a metaphor, Christie.

Next you'll be saying Dr. Phil is a doctor, and not an actor.

Oh no, he is.

A doctor. Huh?

Yeah, he's a head doctor.

Oh no wait, no maybe he's a really good...

Is he an actor? Maybe he is an actor.

Is he an actor? Ok,

so the key to understanding Dr. Phil is in his name.

In fairness, there are some actors I would let... Dr. Phil. ..examine me.

No, it's not actor Phil.

like George Clooney, only because... Do you understand?

He has played a doctor. Anyway, that is not the point.

Look, the future is your thing.

The present is my thing.

Dealing with the now! That's my thing.

The now is looking a little low on rent.

See, look at you.

You handled that so well.

Beautiful. George Clooney,

I would allow him give me a routine examination.

Just like a standard smear.

Ah, don't be nervous Joy, you'll be deadly.

I'm not nervous Stan, honestly.

You're wide of the mark there. Pfft.

It's just like any public speaking, you have to imagine them all naked.

Wait, it's a school, so... children.

Maybe you're naked cos that's not illegal.

For you to be naked. In someone else's head.

Wait, if you're naked, in my head... No...

You speak, I'm naked, you talk... I'm the camera... Stan...

(LIGHT COUGHING IN AUDIENCE)

(HIGH PITCHED) This is such an incredible honour...

(NORMAL VOICE) This is such an incredible honour...

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) ...to be here.

I mean yeah, I get recognised on the bus sometimes

and I'm like, guys, but I don't see myself as a success

because of these things, but to be invited back to your old school

it really feels like one of those, 'you've made it girl' moments.

Just to be clear, your producer called us and asked could you come back.

Said you'd be dynamic.

Said you'd be wise.

There's some lovely words there, thank you.

Yes, so as you all know, my YouTube channel is about Finding Joy,

an enjoyable pun for all you English heads out there.

And I get it guys, being a teenager is one of life's biggest challenges.

I'm with yis all, I'm on team 'you guys'.

Just last year I also faced a massive upheaval and I overcame it

to set up my own business as an online entrepreneur

and thankfully a l-l-lot of subscribers.

Clara's channel has 1 million subscribers.

Hey guys, hit me up for some top tips on fashion, cooking, makeup and interiors.

Interiors? Interiors.

Well that's a lot of people but you know I find that it's more about

qu-quantity, quality, oh quant... hang on sorry,

quantity is what you have

but I think it's about quality so basically what I'm saying is,

just keep trying guys, keep trying.

Except for you Clara, cos you could nearly take your foot off the gas there,

you're doing so much.

How do you even have time to study? I mean... Nerd!

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, old habits.

Or you know, a joke.

Yeah, let's call it a joke.

Continue.

Just some fun banter there between me and Ms. Glynn.

Like the good old days, eh?

I have missed that Ms. Glynn.

Have you though? (STUDENTS GIGGLE)

I really doubt that. (STUDENTS LAUGH LOUDER)

(JOY FAKE LAUGHS) Yes I have.

I have yeah, you've got a real crowd going here.

Real mob, fair play to ye. (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Em, I know that being a teenager is a strange time.

People wrestling with their emotions, their physical urges.

But I think it's really important not to let these define you.

We have to reclaim our vaginas from the patriarchy.

Are you volcel? Yeah, no, loads of people are volcel.

Yeah everyone is volcel. It's the new thing.

Well yeah, I am exactly.

So what would be really cool at this point is

if you could describe volcel for me in your own words

for my subscriber base.

Voluntary celibacy.

People who don't have sex for a year. (STUDENTS LAUGH)

Excellent. (LAUGHS FEEBLY)

(STUDENTS LAUGH)

So yeah, I mean basically, it is a challenge, it's going to...

...it is a challenge but I think that challenges are good for your brain.

What will you do with all that energy, Miss?

Well I think it's really important to keep that energy for yourself,

you know just express it as self care. Self love even.

Are you talking about wanking, Miss? (STUDENTS LAUGH)

Well I guess that's one way expressing self care.

We're not actually allowed to talk about that without a consent form.

Well I think we should be teaching it in classrooms, actually.

Masturbation? (STUDENTS LAUGH)

< Will you teach us, Miss?

Yeah, help us 'Find Joy'. (STUDENTS LAUGH)

That went well.

I'd say you're not used to being outside the principals office,

are you Joy?

Oh no, Stan, you see, the thing about me is, I was really bold.

I was bold to the bone.

Me and Becky Glynn, boldies.

Psst.

(WHISPERS) What are you in for?

I got snared cartwheeling in the corridor doing this cool move for Becky and the guys.

But I clipped Mr. Murphy in the face with my shoe. That's so cool.

What are you in for?

I didn't do anything, I just prefer being in here than out there.

She loves me.

And to get out of hockey.

Hockey is so scary.

People charging at you with sticks.

Getting whacked on your kneecaps.

(TOGETHER) Freezing cold hands.

(TOGETHER) Jinx!

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm Trish. Joy.

You're both complete nerds. Shush!

C'mere Joy, did you really mean that stuff about becoming a nun?

Yeah, I've been thinking about it for ages.

Such a co-incidence that it came up today.

I'm so blessed.

Oh hey guys.

Adults are such knobs, guys.

Grownups are dicks.

I know, yeah(!)

This was so me, back in the day, at the bike sheds.

It's OK if I scab a bit off you?

Ugh, school.

(INHALES TOO DEEPLY)

(COUGHS)

(MAKES VERY STRANGE NOISES)

(COUGHS)

(LAUGHS FEEBLY)

(HOARSELY) Is it pommegranate or peach?

It's actually weed.

Pure THC.

Very strong.

Yes!

I was just thinking that I would like that and now it's inside me.

Which is chill.

(WHISPERS) Drugs!

Oh my God, sketch, sketch!

(GIDDY LAUGHING)

Oh my gosh that was so cailin dana! (LAUGHS)

Stan, have you got any fizzy jellies? I need fizzers.

Hey! Yeah maybe I did feel like I had to try harder to fit in but

not anymore nun features!

Cos I've been reborn.

Do you see a nun?

No?

(SCREAMS) Skkkeeetttccchhh!

Hiya burger guy! < Hi.

So burgers with cheese and bacon and thick cut fries and waffle fries

and crunchy fries.

Super size of all the drinks and cheese on everything.

Nuggies, nuggies, I'll have 6 nuggies. OK. 12 nuggies.

Eh 24, 36 nuggets I guess. OK.

We'll literally see you in a second. Yes you will! OK! OK. Thanks.

(LAUGHS)

Is it just you two? I thought there was a rugby team coming through.

Is it just you two? I thought there was a rugby team coming through.

Why would you think that I have something to do with rugby?

Oh my God, look how high you are!

(LAUGHS) Your eyes are like saucers!

You're like a cartoon stoner.

That doesn't even mean anything. Nothing to you, grandma!

I'm actually not older than you! You're fucking ancient!

I'm in a car, it ages me.

You think the lighting in here is soft? Why are we fighting?

Would you like curry sauce? Obviously!

(Fuck!)

Thank you.

Sorry!

(SIGHS)

I told her her mother in law was going to survive. So...

Your flat mate is so...

...fascinating.

Hey, was that your friend Stan out there? Yes, it was.

Oh my God, you should totally tap that.

Yum.

I am his boss and I don't want to be like Don Draper. Why not?

Also, I think he likes you. Ah yeah(!)

Also, I'm volcel. Voluntarily...

Celibate.

What will you do with all that energy?

Why do people keep saying that?

(DOOR BELL RINGS) Ah!

Oh my God!

I think he's called back for you!

This is so romantic! I don't...

(GIGGLES)

Are you ready? OK.

Ah! (DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

Are there anymore babies in here? No.

Is there loads and loads of wine? Yeah.

Then get out of my way.

Oh!

I met you earlier, a past you.

Past me is dead.

Here, let me take your... Take my baby Joy.

What are we watching?

Oh, Game of Thrones, it's pretty violent and has a lot of shagging.

Um, Trish, yeah it is, it's over 18s so in front of the baby...

I'm actually looking for ideas on how to kill my husband

so it's kind of perfect.

Turn it up. OK.

I'm just hoping that they have sex symbols with leaky boobs

and stitched vaginas because we are under represented on the screen.

Sorry, am I being too loud?

Hmm? No.

Where's that wine that I've heard so much about?

Oh Trish, should you be drinking wine with your sexy leaky boobs?

I'm bottle feeding now. Yeah? Absolutely.

And this is the only thing I've watched this week

apart from 5 little ducks and I am sorry but that story is crap.

Every duck going over the hill, so repetitive.

And the mother duck never learns.

Every duck! Like, come on!

Yeah.

I feel amazing now.

I've been through a sort of a rebirthing process myself.

I think what Joy is trying to say is, why don't you go upstairs

and have a nice long bath. Yeah.

Go and run a bath Joy. Oh, absolutely.

Make sure it's the fancy bubbles! < Yeah! OK.

(BABY CRIES)

And I will exercise everything I've learned from watching

Hollywood Nanny on E and I will get you to sleep. OK? OK.

Who runs the bath? Girls? Who runs the bath? Girls!

Also dogs, ladies please.

The only wrinkles I wish I had more of, bath wrinkles.

Oh let me read your palm.

Oh my God you're going to have 7 more kids you mentalist.

Oh. Jokes!

I'm way better at cards, let me do your cards.

Oh not a chance, I've had a bath and a litre of wine and I don't need

anyone telling me that a bus is going to drive into my face.

Go on then, I'll do it. Ah, yes!

Oh my God Joy, you're going to go on a journey!

So generic!

You're going to meet a person from a far away land.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Mmm.

Ooh, someone's going to have a threesome.

Well I'm volcel so (IN FRENCH) impossible!

(EERIE MUSIC)

Oh go on, I know this one. Death card.

Everyone always freaks out about it but it's really good isn't it?

No, you're thinking about the reaper card.

No, this is the death card. This is bad.

Someone close to you is going to die.

(EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAUGHS)

Come on Christie, I believe in actual science.

Things like the Bermuda Triangle and stuff.

(EERIE MUSIC)

(BABY CRIES) I'll get it!

THEME TUNE

Subtitles: RTE 2020