Original subtitles

Oh. $3,500?

This is the best, though, right?

This material?

It's got to be perfect.

Signor Bianski,

this is the most beautiful suit in the world.

Can you have it ready by 4?

[arguing in Italian]

Hey, hey, hey.

Can you have it ready by 4 or not?

Assolutamente. It's no problem.

Sold.

All right, I'll see you at 4.

Thank you.

[arguing in Italian]

We fit him in this suit.

We change it out. It's cheaper.

It's his size, all ready to go.

He never notices. It's no big deal, okay?

Ah, che bravo--

Non commenciare!

[speaks Italian]

[Dean Martin] ♪ Ma come beli bella bimba ♪

♪ Bella bimba, bella bimba ♪

♪ Ma come beli bella bimba ♪

♪ Bella bimba, bella bim ♪

[Male chorus] ♪ Ma come beli bella bimba ♪

♪ Bella bimba, bella bimba ♪

♪ Ma come beli bella bimba ♪

How you doing, Al? Good to see ya. Hey.

Hi.

♪ Birds always sing ♪

♪ Bells always ring ♪

[Man] Huh, beautiful, huh?

Like you, you're beautiful.

You're a lucky guy.

[door bell chimes] Whoa. Hold this.

And don't leave.

Jackie, I can't take your money.

That one.

Every year, it's the same thing.

You come in here. You buy a ring

for your anniversary.

And the same thing happens.

It's a beautiful choice,

but it ain't cheap.

She deserves the best.

What's the matter with you? That's an expensive ring.

Why don't you let my cousin Frankie

put a zirconia on it? Uh-uh.

I need this by 4.

Kid, is this a joke?

By 4?

What am I, a magician?

Get outta here.

Carla! Carla!

That's my grandmother's lipstick!

How you doing, Rocco?

What's up, big guy? How you doin'?

Hey, Carla--

[Carla] You have time to say what's up?

He's my friend. Carla, please--

Say hi to your friend. Please!

That's not my lipstick.

Hey, Sean.

Hey, Jake how are ya? All right.

Mikey! Jake!

How are ya?

Fine, how are you. All right.

Hey, Bill, Paul, what's up?

Jakey, how are ya? I'm all right.

Good day to be alive, you know? Exactly.

Hey. Hand me the bar, would ya?

I want flowers so beautiful,

they make these look like

they were lifted off a street vendor.

This will take me days. And you give me what?

Two hours. No way.

I need 'em by 4. I don't care.

4:30, then. Nope.

I gotta surprise her by 5. Come on.

I am not gonna support your foolishness.

Teresa, you know I'm a loyal man.

But if not from you, I'll get 'em from someone else.

You are a romantic fool.

And you make me want to vomit with this girl.

They'll be ready.

Get outta here.

4:00.

♪ Ma come beli bella bimba ♪

♪ Bella bimba, bella bimba ♪

♪ Ma come beli bella bimba ♪

♪ Bella bimba, bella bim ♪

[bell dings]

Morning, fellas.

Nice of you to show up, Princess.

Not that we're busy or anything.

What do you got for me?

Cut the heads off of these

for Signor Fiorentino. I can't do that.

I'll take the register.

No fish work today.

Oh, no, I got the register.

Uh-uh.

It's the 19th of March, man.

Are you outta your mind?

What are you, nuts? What?

What?

♪ I'm gonna paper all my walls ♪

♪ With your love ♪

♪ Letters ♪

♪ Then invite you over ♪

♪ Some night ♪

This feels different.

What?

Is this the suit I chose?

Certo.

Why, you don't like it now?

Well, it looks good. It just--

It feels different. I don't know.

Signor looks fantastico, huh?

Bello como il sole, eh?

Good.

'Cause this guy feels beautiful like the sun.

♪ With your love ♪

♪ Love letters ♪

♪ Well, baby, now it's time ♪

♪ You knew the score ♪

Isabella, I love you more today

than I loved you when--

Um, I loved--

Isabella, you're more beautiful to me than--

Your-- smell fresher than--

That's ridiculous.

Hey, Mrs. Cordova, how you been?

Always good--

I hate you, Mrs. Cordova.

[buzzer]

[rapid buzzing]

[Boy] Who is it?

It's your dad. Buzz me up.

You're not my dad.

How do you know?

You ever been genetically tested?

Go play with your brothers.

Jake.

Happy Anniversary.

Come on, buzz me up. I got something for you.

Do we have to do this every year?

Come on. Let me up.

This thing's burning a hole in my pocket.

I miss you so much. Just--

I just want to talk.

Jake,

the hell are you doing?

Yeah, what the hell are you doing?

It's our anniversary.

You don't have an anniversary, Jake.

She dumped you eight years ago.

Eight years ago.

It was a misunderstanding.

We'll work it out.

A misunderstanding?

I'm gonna get her back.

Jake, this is my family.

This is real.

This is between Isabella and me.

This doesn't concern you.

She's my wife. She's my girlfriend.

We're married. That's not my fault.

Yes, actually, it is.

Jake, please leave.

What did you expect, jackass?

Eight years.

You got a serious problem. Get over it, huh?

She's my soul mate.

Yeah, your soul mate with three kids.

We've had our problems.

I'd say.

You cheated on her with her sister--

And her best friend.

And her best friend in her parents' bedroom.

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Like you two wouldn't have done the same thing.

What I'm saying is if you're truly soul mates,

maybe you would have considered that before you banged her sister.

And her best friend. And her best friend.

In her parents' bed.

You disgraced their bed.

I'm a guy.

That's not my fault.

Eight years.

That's psychotic, literally.

I'm not psychotic, Steve.

I'm-- I'm in pain.

You know what Freud says?

No, I don't know what Freud says.

Two and a half to four years tops.

Anything more is clinically psychotic.

I know what you guys are trying to do, okay?

And I appreciate it.

But Isabella is my soul mate.

Oh, bullshit! There's no such thing as a soul mate.

You only want her because you can't have her.

That, and she is a hot piece of ass.

And I love her. "And I love her."

"I love her." What a jackass.

If you love her so much, how come you dumped her four times?

Because I--

I needed time.

You know what Freud says?

I don't care what Freud says.

She's still my soul mate.

Listen, soul mates are like fish.

They're everywhere.

People fall in love because of proximity.

It has nothing to do with the heavens.

There's a window in time

when any two people can get together.

It doesn't matter who they are.

It's who's around at what time.

But once that window closes,

smash! Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Freud said that?

Yeah, Freud said that.

Think I make this shit up?

It's wicked deep.

All right, listen.

You gotta get back in the game.

Change your bait, get your rod back in the water.

I'm still in the game.

I'm gonna get her back.

Miles!

Come on, boy.

Miles.

Uh-oh. You lose an animal?

Yeah.

Cats don't stray too far, though.

He should be around here somewhere.

Actually, felines are known

to hunt for miles outside of their own home territory.

Uh--

There he is.

Right there. See him?

Oh, good.

I know what he wants.

[meow]

[woman chuckles]

Yummy.

Thank you.

No problem. Give him a few minutes.

The smell is irresistible.

I'm almost finished with my classes.

Taking night classes. You know? Finish my degree?

Mm-hmm.

I'm not all about the fish, you know.

Of course. [chuckles]

Psychology.

The, um...

[German accent] It's the study of the very ill

by the very odd.

[nervous chuckle]

[chuckles] Yeah. Well, um...

Hmm...

So, uh...

So, um... [clears throat]

Are-- Are you-- Are you involved?

Uh, depends on what you mean.

I mean are you involved with anyone?

Um...are you looking to have a good time with someone,

or are you interested in going on a date or anything like that?

Yeah, I'm not really looking.

Uh, no, no, no, no. Not for me.

I'm married. See? I got a ring. Oh.

It's for a friend of mine.

It's the kid who works here in the store.

The jackass can't seem to pull his shit together to find a wife.

Yeah, I'm pretty busy.

Of course. We're all busy.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Come on. Are you-- Are you single or not?

Technically, I'm single. Yes!

But-- Yes! Stay right here.

Just stay right-- No, no, no. I'm not really looking.

No. Just stay there. Please. Oh, my God.

Don't move.

[meow]

Now, lookit. Come here. Come on.

No. Really. Uh, thank you, but--

Come on. Gianluca. ...I have been seeing someone.

Gianluca.

What'd I say?

Oh, yeah. She's attractive. Yeah.

'Course, I'd have to see her without her clothes on.

Excuse me? Hips are shapely.

Childbearing. Sweet, huh?

Would you mind turning around

for us, please? I don't think so.

Let's take a look at you. Wait, wait, wait.

She's perfect. We'll set 'em up. Yeah.

Are you available?

No. Not really.

Come on. He's wicked good-looking.

6 feet tall. He's got abs

like Michelangelo's David.

We'll bring him to the next Italian Singles Club party.

You meet us there, and if you like what you see,

you wink or something. And if you don't,

you just leave-- No obligation.

He'll never know.

Italian Singles party? I-- I don't think so.

I'm not even-- It's fun.

A bunch of Italians singing and dancing.

What could be better? Huh?

Just hear me out.

A lot of food, booze-- A lot of food.

...singing and dancing. Girls.

And best yet, single Italian girls. Girls.

What could be better?

What could be better? For real?

How about forks in my eyeballs?

Uh, bamboo shoots under my fingernails. That'll be better.

No, no. This is bad idea. He's not Italian.

Nobody's gonna know.

I don't want to pretend to be Italian just so--

so I can go hang out with a bunch of guys in gold chains

and a half- unbuttoned shirt. Oh!

What? What, are you too good to be Italian?

Everybody want to be Italian.

I don't dance. It's a party. That's it.

You meet a couple of people, you listen to some Italian music.

You come down to our level and dance a little. I'm not Italian!

Nobody's gonna know. Yes.

Everybody want to be Italian. Come on.

Listen to him.

[knocking on door]

Oh, Marisa! Ohh...

Make you something to eat.

Mangia. You don't eat enough.

Come. I am sorry. I can't tonight.

But thank you.

Oh, but you too skinny.

Oh, you need a man.

Actually,

that's why I'm here.

Do you know anything about an Italian club?

Italian club? The Singles Club?

Oh, but you're not italiana.

I know, but I was invited

to meet a guy there.

An Italian? No, no, no, no, no.

You don't get mixed up with an Italian.

42 years I was married to an Italian.

37 times that bastard, he cheat on me,

and that's just the ones I know about.

But you loved him.

Love?

Well, sl, of course.

He was my soul mate.

But you, you're not Italian.

And I tell you something,

Italian men never, never marry a girl

who's not Italian.

They play with you. Oh, si,

they like to do that.

And then they break your heart.

No, you find yourself a good Dane,

or even...

an Irishman.

♪ [dance]

Oh, my nuts.

What I'd trade for that.

I know. I know. Hmm?

Uh-oh, what about her?

She's all right.

She's all right? Yeah, she's fine.

What do you mean, just all right? Come on.

Are you prejudiced against

the most beautiful women in the world,

Italians? No, but I'm in love. You know that.

Oh, "I'm in love." Look.

This right here, this is all yours.

Steve and I, we're married.

You owe us this.

Oh, I owe you this? Mm-hmm.

I owe it to you to pick up girls

at an Italian singles bar?

Absolutely. Just not my thing.

Hey, hey. Hmm?

What about her?

Oh, she just gave you a look.

She's-- She's cute. Yeah.

That was a definite nibble.

Fit the hook and reel her in.

She's hot. I'll give you that.

But I'm not-- I'm not interested in her.

Psst.

[whispering] Hey, hey, hey.

[clears throat] Psst.

Stop staring at her, man. She's going--

[whistles]

The hell are you doing?

Hey, you're a sea lion. Roar.

Sea lions bark, you idiot. Whatever.

That guido stuff doesn't work on hot chicks, okay?

Oh, yeah? She's coming over now.

She's coming. She's coming over here.

Better think of something to say quickly.

Were you whistling at me?

[mouths words]

No, no, I don't--

It was, um, my--

I'm Marisa. I'm Jake.

How are ya? Nice to meet you.

My friend's a little bit nervous here.

I think he just melted the lining in his underwear.

[laughter]

I did nothing, though. My underwear's fine.

Oh, nicely said.

Do you-- Do you want to have a seat?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, Okay.

Uh, you know, at the bar. Oh.

Maybe. Otherwise, they'll continue. Okay.

No, no, no. Just go get her a drink.

Just put it on the card.

It's a company expense.

I'll take care of her.

What do you think?

You guys are too much.

But, um, he is--

he's cute. Yeah.

I'll give you that. He's smart.

He's funny. He's very bright.

Great sense of humor.

Intelligent. Okay.

Very bright. Good.

Loves children. Really?

Mmm. Loves kids.

Great with them. Yeah.

I like that. I think we did well, huh?

I think we did well. [chuckling]

Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

Hey, the prodigal son returns. Hey.

Jerk one. Jerk two.

Jake, I'll take that as a compliment.

Beauty. To beauty.

Beauty. And the beasts.

So, I'm probably glad I missed everything so far, huh?

Why would you say that, Jake?

We were just talking about true love. Mm-hmm.

And Marisa here, believe it or not,

does not believe in soul mates.

She thinks it's a bunch of bullshit.

I didn't say that. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

You know, don't listen to them.

They're just busting on me,

because I happen to believe in true love.

Well, me, too.

And I happen to believe in soul mates.

Oh, come on. That's such a crock.

It is. Because at any given time,

any two people can get together.

They just have to know that each other exists.

I mean, life is never-ending chaos

with people struggling to exist. Hmm?

Now, that's deep. Thank you.

He knows psychology. I do.

But let me just put it in simpler terms for you.

Simple being the operative word.

Now, take you, for example.

Now, you're a hot piece of ass. Oh, jeez.

So, why aren't you selling underwear

in a Victoria's Secrets catalogue?

Stick with him. There's a point here somewhere.

I hope so. Okay.

It's because nobody knows you exist.

But the right pictures in the right people's hands,

next thing you know,

you got 13-year-olds jacking off all over the world.

Why?

Because now they know you exist.

[clears throat] Oh, God.

You know, I really apologize. Wow.

I really thought there was a point in there somewhere.

I-- No, I get it.

I mean, it makes-- It makes sense.

It makes sense? Really?

No, it doesn't. Okay.

You know what? Let me ask a question.

Why--

Why does a nice, attractive girl like yourself

come to these places to get hit on

by the likes of them?

I don't know.

Maybe, I'm just trying to figure out what men exist.

Well, maybe she just came to find

a nice Italian man like Jake here.

They're not really my friends. [Marisa laughs]

Ouch.

Ooh, I'm wounded. I am.

So?

So what? What happened?

So let us live through you vicariously.

She was sweet.

Come on, what do you mean, sweet?

Chocolate's sweet.

This girl could knock the brass off a doorknob

with her smile. Absolutely.

What happened?

We had a nice evening together, you know?

We spent some time together.

We talked a little bit, a little small talk.

And then we went home.

Oh, you went home.

So, what, you nail her back at her place?

No, nothing like that.

Oh, come on. You didn't--

You did, didn't you?

You did, you did, you did, didn't you?

No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

I didn't do anything. What do you want me to tell you, man?

We had a nice time. She's a nice girl,

but I'm still in love with Isabella.

Listen, just please--

Please tell me that you got her phone number

so we could smack some sense into you. Yeah.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Oh, I'm gonna cry, Pops. Unbelievable.

Man, so cry.

I can't believe this.

How could you screw that up? Yeah.

You are so stupid.

[door bell rings] Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hey, how you doing?

So this is it, huh?

[grunt]

This is, uh-- This is it.

This is fish heaven.

Anything you desire from the Eastern Seaboard,

we got it here.

Aldo Tempesti.

Hi. Marisa.

Piacere. Piacere.

So, um...

you forgot to ask for my number.

So I thought I'd, um--

[coughs] Loser. [whispers] The freakin' number.

Ow.

[clears throat] Just in case.

Yeah. No. Yeah.

This is-- This is great.

You have-- This is pretty,

pretty handwriting.

Um, thank you.

Okay.

You know, let's just close the deal right here.

Uh, I make his hours.

So... Well, he's available tonight.

Actually, he's got tomorrow night off, the whole week off.

He can call me when he wants.

Uh, no, no. Anyone who doesn't take your number,

it's out of his hands. How's tomorrow?

You know, tomorrow night's not really good for me.

Um-- Stay out of this, would you?

Actually, next week is better for me.

Next week.

Tuesday's looking real good for me.

Um, I was thinking maybe more Monday.

Um, around, say,

I don't know, 7, 7:30? 7:30?

Monday? Monday.

Perfect. Okay.

Monday it is.

[Marisa] Okay.

All right. All right. I'll see you then.

See you then. Okay. Bye.

Let me get that door for you.

Thank you. [whispers] Yes.

[bell chimes] Thanks for coming in.

Hoo-hoo.

Don't screw this up.

Screw? I'm not gonna screw anything up.

Guys. You're screwing everything up.

Hey, you're all thinking with your little men.

This is a big, big mistake.

This is an Italian woman,

and Italian women have brothers.

It's all fun and games

until somebody loses a testicle.

[laughter] Hey.

It's not funny. [speaks Italian]

Tell you about my cousin Luigi, eh?

Yeah, Cousin Eunuch.

Ah, Cousin Eunuch.

See? He make joke now.

Senza Cazza, we called him.

Get to work, asshole.

[chatter]

[Boy] I want candy.

[Isabella] No candy.

Mom, I want candy.

Isabella? Ugh, God.

Oh, my God. This is so weird.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Yeah.

Stay away, Jake. I mean it.

No, come on. It's the comets.

You know, I'm just passing through.

Hey, you and me are soul mates.

Kids, Jake. And lots of 'em.

I love kids.

Plus, the big one's probably mine, anyway.

Hey, hey.

What, did you ever have him genetically tested?

Unreal. You know, you're unreal.

He was born 12 months after the last time we did it.

So you say, I know. Whatever.

Come on, what's it gonna take?

[sighs] Jake,

please, please let me spare you your dignity.

I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

Excuse me, sweetie. I'm not.

Oh!

What is--

Ahh! Oh!

What is wrong with your kids?

They don't like you, Jake.

Come on, boys. Get in.

[mutters] Good job.

I have a date on Monday night.

Good for you.

Wait--

Can I get a ride?

♪ So you're blown apart ♪

♪ Don't ever wanna talk about it ♪

♪ So hard to make it stop ♪

♪ Just long enough to think about ♪

♪ It ♪

Morning, John.

Hey, Jake. How are you? All right.

All right. What's going on today?

I'm gonna need about 50 pounds of haddock.

Get out! 40 pounds of mussels. Nice.

All right. Nice.

That should do it. Beautiful.

Nice skates. Yeah.

Think I dated a girl that looked like this once.

[laughter] All right, John.

Thanks a lot, man.

Have a good one. Take it easy.

[sighs]

Ooh. Ecco.

Figlio mio. Hey, hey.

I know what my boy Gianluca tell you.

But-- But, listen.

Women are sacred.

They need to be treated like ladies,

not passing cargo vessels.

I know that. I got a good woman.

A good woman-- A good woman

is love.

Pure, true, and breakable,

like Venetian glass.

Remember,

every daughter has a father,

and most have brothers with sharp knives.

Hey. Hey.

Somebody's getting some tonight, huh?

Swordsman, party's on tonight.

Thought you should take a camera tonight.

You owe me some pictures, with nipple.

[sighs]

Jake, look at me. What?

Promise me you're not gonna screw this thing up.

I'm not gonna-- Promise?

I promise. I'm not gonna screw anything up, man.

Come on, what do you want, blood?

All right, so look.

Let's go over your plan.

You do have a plan, right?

Well, I'm not gonna lay it out for ya.

I'm gonna-- I'll take her to dinner or something.

Come on, dinner's obvious. Where?

I don't know. La Trattoria.

What are you, retarded?

You can't take her to the North End.

It's too Italian.

That's the point, man. She's Italian.

No, no, no. Take her to

my cousin Annio.

He'll fix you up nice.

No, you can't take an Italian woman

to the North End for the first date.

That's like a priest

taking a little boy to an opera.

It's too obvious.

Yeah, you know what? Forget Italian.

You gotta stay away from your ethnic roots.

I'm not taking her for kielbasa.

Whoa, you're not a dumb Pollack anymore.

You're Italian now. And I'm not gonna pretend I'm Italian.

You better pretend, and you better pretend good.

Look, an Italian can spot an imposter a mile away.

And if they did,

could get your nuts chopped off.

Oh, come on, man. It's the 21st century.

All right? Nobody's gonna get hurt.

It's a stereotype.

Yeah, he's right.

The stereotype is bad.

Italian men are lovers,

unless you mess with their women,

and then--

It's okay to take her to an Italian restaurant.

As long as it's not in the North End, all right?

And you know, order for her.

Because the Italian women,

they love to be taken care of.

You know, Freud says that a woman knows

within five minutes of sitting down to dinner

if she's gonna sleep with a guy.

Which brings up,

what do you got in mind for dessert?

Tiramisu. One dessert, two forks.

Don't screw up.

I'm not gonna screw up. I'm telling you right now,

if you screw this one up-- I'm not!

I'm not gonna screw it up.

[subway train passes]

Hi. Hey.

Wow.

Should I go change? No.

No, you, uh-- You look fine.

I'm probably the one who should go change.

[chuckles]

Um-- It's good to see ya.

Yeah, you too.

So it's freezing. Where's your car?

Uh, actually, my truck smells like fish,

so I just figured that we'd take the subway.

Subway?

Yeah, it's always so much more convenient.

You don't have to pay for parking or anything,

so, you know.

You look really beautiful.

Thank you.

First date. [nervous chuckle]

Feel like I'm back in high school.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, what-- What's so funny?

No, I'm sorry.

Are you laughing at me?

You are. I am not.

You are. I promise.

I promise. I'm sorry.

Um-- Look, um--

I need to tell you something.

Okay.

Tell me.

Well, it's, uh--

It's kind of embarrassing, a little bit.

Just tell me.

I'm sure I've heard it before.

This is nice.

And I don't want to start anything

without being totally honest with you.

I'm involved with another woman.

Um, yeah, we've been together

for 12 years...

on and off, but--

Mostly off lately, but...

I just-- I thought you should know.

[nervous chuckle]

Okay.

Honesty's the best policy, you know?

Yeah, I agree with you.

Um, wow.

All right, um-- If you want to tell me anything,

you know, now's a good time.

I don't have anything like that.

Um...

where are we?

I'm sorry. You're upset, huh?

I'm fine.

Surprised, maybe.

You know, I just didn't

want to have a nice evening together

and then have it get all awkward later.

Well, it's awkward.

Have you been here before? No.

Don't worry.

I know what you're getting.

Buona sera. Can I start you off

with something to drink?

Maybe a bellissimo,

very nice bottle of Chianti?

I think we're ready to order.

The lady's gonna have the calamari appetizer,

and the spinach and mushroom penne pasta.

And can she get that with extra oregano

and a side of garlic?

Garlic? It's good. It's really good.

[waiter speaks Italian]

As you wish, madam.

And for you, sir?

I have no idea.

What's good?

Spaghetti alla Maceciana.

The house favorite.

That sounds perfect.

You know what?

I think I'll have that, too.

Really?

Yeah.

And to drink?

House Chianti.

Actually, I'm thinking of something

in a significantly higher price range.

Maybe one of your Barolos?

Benissimo.

Wonderful choice, madam.

Thank you.

That was interesting.

I figured you saved enough money not parking.

Is this about my girlfriend?

'Cause she's cool with this.

She knows I'm here.

She knows you're here? Yeah.

Just let it go.

I've almost completely forgotten about her.

You know that psychiatrists say

that you can tell within the first five minutes

of having dinner with someone

whether you're gonna have--

[stammering] Whether it's gonna work out or not?

You can tell.

Do you have a lot of experience with psychiatrists?

No, no.

It's just, I hear about them all day long, though.

Because Steve, he's studying to get his degree.

Psychology? Yeah.

He is a college man.

So what do you do?

I'm a doctor.

Really?

You're shitting me.

No. Huh.

That's so cool. What kind?

A veterinarian.

So-- Okay, so you're not a real doctor.

No, I just mean, you know--

You work with animals, it's not exactly humans.

That's all I'm saying is--

It's cool. I like it. I get it.

It's just, when I think doctor,

I think, you know, heart attack on an airplane.

Is there a doctor on board?

That kind of thing, you know? It's so cool.

So you-- And you love animals?

Yeah, well, you know, I'm suspicious

of anyone who doesn't love animals.

Mm-hmm. Or children.

Well, there you go. That's-- See that?

We got that in common.

Really? You love animals?

[chuckling] Do I love animals?

Yeah, of course. I work in a fish market.

And I love kids, too. I think kids are great.

I got three of them.

Well, they're not mine, technically.

They're my girlfriend's.

That's great.

[Jake sighs]

Hey, let me help you up.

No, you know what? It's all right.

Let's not spend a nice evening together

and then have it get all awkward.

You're not coming up.

No, of course not. I know-- I know that.

But I had a wonderful time tonight.

Didn't you?

[door slams] Huh.

You told her what?

I knew you were gonna screw it up. I knew it.

I didn't want her to find out I was involved with someone

and get all disappointed, you know?

Are you the biggest moron of all time,

or do you just act like this?

The date wasn't going so hot anyway.

All right? She was sending me mixed signals,

just acting all disinterested all evening.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Mixed signals are clear signals.

And what the hell are you doing

telling her you have a girlfriend?

Which you don't.

This chick is the real deal.

I mean, she's wicked hot.

And she's a doctor.

She's um, she's not really a doctor.

She's a veterinarian.

Veterinarians go to medical school.

Yeah, at an animal hospital.

Not a hospital hospital. She's not a real doctor.

Mmm, so you would say

I'm not a doctor if I get my Ph.D. in psychology?

Look, they are sort of different.

I mean, you would be dealing with humans.

She's dealing with animals.

Ain't a doctor. [laughs]

You know, technically, I don't think, um--

I don't think a psychologist is, either.

Technically, anyone with a Ph.D. is a doctor.

A doctor of philosophy.

A doctor of English literature.

A doctor of fine arts-- Hold up. Hold on.

I gotta side with Jake, right here.

They're not doctors. Those are bullshit doctors.

They shouldn't even be able to put

Doctor in front of their name. Uh-huh.

Come on.

Chiropractors, huh?

Acupuncturists, podiatrists.

[both] They're not doctors.

So I save lives

by talking people out of--

by talking people out of

throwing themselves on the tracks

at North Station

or hurling their bodies off an overpass

onto the Mass Pike.

All day long I'm talking to them,

and I'm not a doctor to you?

No. But you could be

if you go to medical school and become a psychiatrist.

Psychologists, man, they're just another group

trying to cheat the system.

[Gianluca laughs]

Tell him.

Listen, I'm sure that Harvard Medical School

has some evening classes that you could take.

You know, I don't need to be a doctor.

I just figure I'm saving people's lives.

Oh, no, no. You're saving-- You're saving people's lives.

That's what I'm trained to do. I save people's lives.

I'm a lifesaver. You're like a comic book hero.

Can you save me a bite of your sandwich?

[buzzer]

[rapid buzzing]

[door opens]

Hello, Mrs. Cordova.

[door slams]

Isabella. Hi, Mrs. Cordova.

Hey.

Go away.

Let's just go get a coffee, please.

I just want to talk.

I know the kids are gone.

I'm not letting you in. Talk.

Really? You can't still be mad.

All right, five minutes.

Five minutes.

You look really pretty.

Don't you still think about me at all?

Of course. You call me every day.

Okay, well, that's fair enough.

But, I mean, if I didn't,

would you still?

I'm not answering that. So you would.

[chuckles] You would.

Jake, children.

The oldest one's mine anyway.

You are crazy.

Come back to me.

Um...

okay.

Your 10 minutes are up.

Um, you gotta get outta here.

Yeah, well, I was about to go anyway.

I mean--

I mean, you don't have to kick me out or anything.

I was-- I was about to leave anyway.

I wasn't having that much fun, you know?

Same time tomorrow?

[door bell chimes]

Hey, Papa. How are ya?

All right. All right.

Today some kind of holiday I don't know about?

Banker's hours.

Come on, hurry up. Get your ass out here.

We're busy. I'm here, I'm here.

I saw her today.

Treat your fleas? Not her.

Her.

Oh, Isabella.

Yeah, she made me a cappuccino.

In her house?

All right, that's it.

Jake, I've had it with this shit.

Me and Steve, we bust our ass around here.

You come and go as you please all hours of the day.

Jake, it's not fair.

I got no other option here. I gotta fire you.

Fire me?

You can't fire me.

Oh, I think I just did.

I own this place. Technically, yes.

But I promised to your parents before they died

that I would not let you run this place into the ground.

Our revenues were up 250% last quarter,

150% last year.

I think we're doing okay.

Hey, stop chasing Isabella.

Is that what this is about?

[both] Yes.

You know, call Marisa.

You know, the one you told you had a girlfriend?

She hates me. Isabella hates you.

Yet she still makes you cappuccino.

Italian women, they need to nurture their men.

Tell her the truth, and then she--

No, don't tell her the truth.

Tell her the truth, and she will come around.

I can't tell her anything.

She won't even accept my calls.

Can you blame her?

Hi.

Easy, Sammy.

You're all right, buddy.

Oh, look at the happy couple.

Jakey B, what are you doing with that fish?

Kiss your wife.

[small dog barking]

[big dog barking]

My fish,

he just, uh...

he doesn't quite seem up to it these days.

I was wondering if the veterinarian

could come out and take a look at him.

I'm sorry, sir,

but we don't take care of fish.

Why?

They're animals, too.

They're animals, but they're aquatic animals.

Marine animal doctors take care of fish.

That's not our doctor's specialty.

Okay.

How much?

Huh?

20?

Okay, you don't like Mr. Jackson.

How about Benjamin?

[cat meows] [dog barks]

Huh? Is the doctor around?

Are you Michael? Who's that?

This isn't about the fish.

Are you and the doctor involved?

Is it that obvious?

Let me see what I can do.

[cat yowls]

Hey.

Like your dog.

Nice.

All these good ones. Hey.

Smile.

Mommy, is that man a pedophile?

[snaps] Hey, paparazzi.

Are you serious?

You-- You're not the um--

Bring your fish.

You know what, on second thought-- Now, I'm busy.

You're wasting my time with your fishy.

What, are you too good for a goldfish?

You look like a mobile Chinese restaurant.

[sighs]

You got an anchovy pizza you need some help with?

Hey, real cute. I know.

Put your fish on the examining table.

[groans] You, sit. Sit.

Hey, look. I don't think we...

have to do this.

I mean, really-- Sit!

How long's your fish been acting weird?

I don't know.

Couple of days, I guess. Well, why didn't you bring him in sooner?

'Cause I though he was gonna pull through.

Well, this is a pet fish, isn't it?

He could have died. Look, I don't want to be rude,

but do you think, maybe,

I could see the other veterinarian?

I think that might be very helpful.

This is Sammy.

He's got respiratory distress.

The owner says he's been lethargic

and not acting himself.

Okay, I got it. Thank you.

What are you doing?

Sammy's been acting a little weird.

I-- I think he might have pink eye or something.

This isn't a pet.

Sammy, close your ears and don't listen

to anything this evil woman says.

Okay, I see through this.

What do you want?

We had fun the other night.

Fine, I had a good time the other night.

I get the fact that

you want nothing to do with me, but--

Well, I really enjoyed your company.

No, no, no. No.

No-- What?

Just because I'm not sexually available,

we can't be friends?

Friends? Yeah, friends.

Like, spend time with each other

because we like each other's company.

And just be friends?

Exactly. No, we can't.

Why not?

Because...

I'm 33 years old.

No way.

My biological clock is ticking.

I don't have time for friends.

So having friends somehow affects

your ability to have children? Yes.

How? You gotta explain this to me.

When a man and a woman are friends,

one of them always ends up

wanting the other one.

If neither is interested, then there's no incentive

for the friendship in the first place.

What are you doing Friday night?

None of your business.

So you don't have plans? Oh, I have plans.

No, you don't.

You don't. What?

Plans. Yeah, now, that--

That's mature for a 33-year-old.

You'd rather stay home alone

than make a friend

because you're sexually attracted to me

and I'm emotionally unavailable.

I have a date.

Oh, yeah? Who is he?

His name's Michael. There's no Michael.

No, really.

I am sort of seeing him now.

Fine.

I get the message.

[clears throat]

Actually, you know what?

Leave Sammy here.

Yeah?

I'll give him back to you...

mmm, Saturday?

Saturday?

Are you asking me out on a date?

Friends don't date. They hang out.

You guys told me to go out with her in the first place.

Yeah, well that was before you told me she was 33.

Don't go.

She's 33.

Imagine your balls in a vice grip.

Oh. That's what her ovaries are doing,

except they're screaming for sperm--

your sperm.

It's not even gonna be a date.

It's gonna be like, uh--

We're gonna be hanging out.

Like hanging out in high school?

Yeah, like hanging out in high school.

A guy and a girl hanging out.

People do that. No, they don't.

Why not?

Because sooner or later one of them's

gonna wanna swap some fluids, you know?

Play some tonsil hockey.

She's 33. Walk away.

Well, hold on.

It's not like he's gonna marry her.

Exactly, I'm not gonna marry the girl.

Just bang a few times, then move on.

Lesson numero uno,

la salsa di Pomodoro.

No Italian man can resist

la salsa di Pomodoro.

Well, I wouldn't say he's a man.

He's more of a little boy.

A very good-looking little boy,

but this is-- this is friendship.

Not love. Hey,

he and his girlfriend together, what?

12 years?

No married. They no serious.

He's what you call fair game.

And the quickest way to a man's heart

is through the stomach.

Well, what if I don't want to get to his--

Oh, wait, you want love Italian style.

They're is no mercy. It is a war,

and the women are the generals.

Go, go. Put that in the pan.

And food, food-- the greatest weapon.

Oh, stir, stir.

It's going to burn. It's going to burn. Stir.

[knocking at door]

♪ I don't know why I love you ♪

[knocking continues]

Hey. Hi.

You're not dressed.

Uh-- You still look good.

I mean, I-- I would still--

[chuckles] Aren't we going out?

No, we're friends. I made us dinner.

Really?

Come in. Okay, this is for you.

Thank you.

How you doing? Hi.

[kisses] Oh, hi.

Thank you. Yeah.

Oh, wow, vinegar.

Yeah, it's Italian. Interesting.

This is not what I expected.

How's that?

You got the fluffy couch

and the carpeted floors.

It's kind of American.

I expected more of that like, Italian

hot-blooded style, you know?

Clean lines everywhere.

This place looks more like my grandmother's house.

Wow. You know exactly what to say to the ladies.

Shall we eat before it gets cold?

Sure, yeah.

Need help with anything?

No.

Sammy?

You cooked my fish?

He's cured. No more pink eye.

You cooked my pet?

He wasn't your pet, Jake. He was my--

We were on a first-name basis.

What if I brought you a puppy?

I don't play games.

I dumped my first fiancé because he lied.

Yeah? What about the second one?

He lied, too, but his was much bigger.

What did the first one lie about?

He claimed he went to undergrad at Harvard.

And? He went to B.U.

Oh, no.

He couldn't handle living in Boston

and not being able to call himself

a Harvard man.

You honestly-- You dumped the guy

that you were considering spending the rest

of your life with 'cause of that?

Yeah. That's kinda harsh.

He was my fiancé.

He shouldn't be lying to me.

So which one is he?

Oh, he's not up there.

I don't-- I don't keep pictures of my exes.

There's not one picture of your ex-boyfriend up here?

No, why keep pictures of people

that are no longer in your life?

I keep pictures of everybody,

just in case I never see 'em again.

But why would you care?

I don't know. For me, once a relationship ends,

I don't ever look back.

Huh.

So what part of Italy is your family from?

Um, they're from the north.

From-- From Palermo.

Palermo? Uh-huh.

Isn't Palermo in the south,

down by Sicily?

The northernmost part of the south.

They-- They're really high.

They live in the mountains.

[giggles] So it's like--

It's such a small country anyway.

Where do your parents-- Where are they from?

I-- I can't say.

Why not?

Were they in the mafia?

Are yours? Yeah.

Come on, where are they from? Is it really that important?

Yeah, it's important.

To an Italian, it's very important.

They're from the north, Torino.

Mmm.

I can't believe I just told you that.

Oh, yeah. Big deal.

Your secret's out.

Maybe you'll have to kill me now, right?

I might have to. Yeah.

All right, so--

I mean, so you spend weeks

or even months of your life committed to someone,

and then, what, like, poof, they just--

they're erased, like never never existed?

You're a past dweller.

Fine. If holding onto memories

makes me a past dweller, then, yeah, I'm a past dweller.

There's only three choices,

past, present, and future.

So where does that leave us?

You have a girlfriend.

I need to know your level

of commitment to this relationship.

None. There is no relationship.

I'm being serious now.

Seriously, I need to know.

You do know. There is none.

I think I might have found someone.

That's great.

I'm happy for you, Jake.

She knows about us.

No, I told her.

Don't worry about it. You know, it's all good.

But, just--

I don't know, she's different.

She doesn't have big boobs

and look like a supermodel?

No, she's got those qualities, too.

But it's just--

There's something about her.

I don't know. She's--

She's kind of cool.

Run through the wild with her, Jake.

Make love to her in exotic places.

You're free.

There is no us.

You keep saying that,

but I just want you to know

that once I'm gone, it's forever.

Your pictures come off the wall.

Hers go up.

I'm not a past dweller, you know.

[Marisa] My timing's off.

I'm gonna run ahead and do some sprint work.

I'll meet you at the bridge.

No, no, wait. I'm coming.

No, Jake, I can't run this slowly.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

♪ There's a frame upon my wall ♪

♪ But there's nothing inside at all ♪

♪ And everybody listens ♪

♪ Everybody tries to give themselves ♪

♪ Some good advice ♪

♪ Now I'm tempted in the middle ♪

♪ Of an otherwise good year ♪

♪ As it's always been 'round here ♪

♪ I feel absolutely free ♪

♪ Everything is clear ♪

Good run, huh?

Feels good?

[gasping]

What are you doing running off like that?

You're a woman. You're gonna--

You're gonna get raped or killed or something.

No, I could outrun them.

You're the one that's gonna be somebody's bitch.

I'm just saying, this is dangerous, all right?

Competitive, aren't we?

Ha, whatever, Flo Jo.

Oh, wow. You look good.

Well, thank you. The fish looks great.

[laughs] You got him?

Yeah.

He's cute, right?

Is this what you want?

What this? Ugh.

This isn't a lobster.

No, this is as in your dreams.

I don't even know if I could answer

that if I wanted to.

I just kind of take every day as it comes, you know?

I'm a present dweller.

Well, the days are coming fast. Yeah.

Soon there won't be any more.

Honestly, I never thought that much

about my dreams.

I guess my dreams just kind of found me.

All right.

Well, the Napoleonic complex,

it come from Napoleon denying

that he was Italian.

He was pretending to be French.

He forgot, you know, that he was a lover and not a fighter.

That is why, to this day,

my cousin, Pepino, in the bakery,

will not sell Napoleons.

What does that have to do with women?

Everything has to do with women.

An Italian woman--

they will cook for you,

clean, iron, take care of the kids.

But it is the man's job

to make her want to do those things for him.

Eh?

I think I can handle that. Sure. Sure.

You make her feel special.

You make her feel like a woman.

Like the song, you know.

It is the man's job to work,

to protect la famiglia,

to make decisions, to pay the bills,

the mortgage, everything, tutto.

But it is the woman's job

to make the man want to do all the things for her.

Capisce? Yeah.

But I can cover my share of any bills.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You're Italian now.

Remember, it is the little things

between the man and the woman that count.

[gasps] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

♪ Somehow ♪

♪ Someway ♪

♪ You'll look my way ♪

♪ Our eyes will meet-- ♪

[Jake] Give me something about him. [Marisa] No.

Tell me something. You have to.

You don't want to hear about him. Yes, I do.

If we're going to be friends,

then I get to hear about him, and then I get to spew forth my advice--

my simple but profound advice.

No. It just feels wrong

talking about, you know, such intimate things with you.

Pretend I'm a homo.

A gay man, okay? I'm just saying.

That way, it'll just roll off me. I won't care.

Come on. Okay.

Okay, you asked for it. I asked for it.

I don't mean to complain...

But?

But he's kind of boring.

Boring how?

Yeah. I mean, if I'm dating a guy--

Right. ...he's got to be

a step up from my vibrator, because that's a sure thing.

You know? I mean, it's not like I need a new crazy idea every time,

but come on! Mix it up a little!

Throw on an occasional video.

Throw it on. [nervous chuckle]

You know,

I gave him some of my best DVDs.

I don't think he's watched a single one of them.

For example, the other night,

we were doing it doggy-style

on the washing machine,

and I slapped him, and--

She did what?

Uh-huh.

You know, you might want to rethink this.

Just ask yourself, what would a fisherman do?

Oh, my.

She's out of my comfort zone.

I would say. Yeah.

Yeah, that is...

[doorbell chimes] There she is.

[clears throat]

I had a break.

I thought I'd stop by and say hi.

Hi. Hi. Hey, guys.

Hi, Dr. Costa.

How you doing?

So...

Wow. You know what?

If you guys cleaned up some of these boxes...

Gianluca. Gianluca.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got a system there.

Well, clearly, not one that's working.

Jake, do something about this, will you?

You need a woman's touch.

Um, don't you have any animals to heal?

Some sick puppy? Come on. You guys can help.

No, no, no. It's-- It's not in our contract.

Um, uh, we only do a half hour of cleanup a day.

It's-- It's union rules.

It's union rules. Yeah.

Uh, Jake, take care of this.

We're going to get a beer. Yeah.

They-- He really does have a system.

It works pretty-- Work.

Pretty well.

♪ Now, I remember taking my old sweet time ♪

♪ Just wondering, pass up the time ♪

♪ To get home ♪

♪ Man, I've got to get home ♪

♪ But every now and then I would stop and see ♪

♪ This ain't the way it's supposed to be ♪

♪ So get home ♪

♪ Girl, I've got to come home ♪

♪ So tell me what you see ♪

♪ Now, there's a weight upon my back ♪

♪ And there's a load upon these tracks ♪

Nobody's going to spend this much for fish.

People want to pay more.

It makes them feel like the quality's better.

Spoken like a true woman.

No, it's all about presentation.

If your fish look clean,

the sales will soar, I promise.

♪ And out along the way ♪

♪ You tried to give yourself away ♪

♪ But you hardly realized the time ♪

♪ And you thought it would be nice to try ♪

♪ Of course you won't know if you don't try ♪

What happened?

This is a disaster.

What the hell is this? We selling lemonade now?

You straightened my pictures.

It's just a little bit cleaner, that's all.

What do you mean it's clean? It's like an operating room.

You cleaned my floor!

You could eat off this floor. This is awful.

It's a disaster. It's wonderful.

It was her idea.

So you're coming this weekend to the faculty dinner?

Are you serious? No. Yes.

No, I do not want to go to a faculty dinner.

You have to. It's friendship duties.

Intelligent people bore me. Oh, my God.

Jake, don't start with me. You're coming.

Okay, Mom. Excuse me?

You sound like my mother. Well, you sound like a child.

You're a child. My God.

Is your family still in Palermo?

Palermo? [chuckling]

No. Um...

Actually, my parents are dead.

Shut up, Jake.

Seriously.

Seriously? Yeah.

I mean, it's okay. Wow.

I know you didn't know, but...

They, uh-- They died during my senior year.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You know, I loved my family when they were around.

It was great.

My old man, he was something else.

He was such a character.

You want kids? I don't know.

I think I'd make a terrible father. No, you wouldn't.

Trust me, kids aren't for me.

I have this friend who's got three children, and she's always--

That's your girlfriend, Jake,

not your friend.

The point is, the kids messed up her whole life,

and now she's stuck in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in.

Wait. Your girlfriend's married?

Yeah.

I knew her before she was married, though.

She's been in love with me all along.

Are you in love with her?

Thank you, Mrs. Vianelli.

You, you're slacking off.

I'd fire you if I could.

You got a minute, man?

Yeah, sure.

Like, right now? Absolutely.

Could you take over for me, please?

Oh, sure.

What's up?

Things good?

Yeah, things are good.

Classes are good and...

Yeah, classes are good.

Learning a lot of new stuff?

What the hell do you want?

How much would it cost?

[chuckling] How much would what cost?

[whispers] Counseling.

Counseling? Yeah. Shh!

Counseling. Yes. What are you, a parrot?

You got to repeat everything I say? Counseling.

Look, you're almost a psychologist now, right?

So how much would a session cost?

You want me to be your psychologist? Shh!

Yes, but...

we can't tell anybody.

Of course not.

I'm a professional.

Um, but, you know...

Jeez, Jake, uh, you're my boss.

I know. And that's why we got to keep this between us, okay?

Very professional. Just...

You treat me just like you would

any other patient.

Okay, but...

I'd have to charge you $20 an hour.

$20 an hour? Yeah.

I pay you twice that in the market.

Did you go to school to make less money?

It's not all about money, Jake.

I'm just saying.

You use your education just to--

Okay. All right. 40. 40, all right?

You want the session or not?

I think so. Good.

I think so. Yeah. All right. When do you want it?

When's good for you? I don't know.

Now? Now works.

Now works. I could do it--

Now? I can do it-- Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

So what do we-- Why don't you have a seat?

And I'll have a seat, and we can start. Okay.

I don't like this. Why don't we switch around?

Sit over here. Get over here. This is better.

Yeah. Sit down.

That's good. Yeah. Just like that.

All right.

[sighs]

Here we are.

[clears throat]

Um...

So, Mr. Bianchi,

tell me how your troubles began.

Do we really have to act like this?

We're in a fish market.

Yes. You want a professional working relationship.

Please answer the questions.

She's six years older than me, and then--

She? Marisa, jackass.

Marisa? Am I really paying you

$40 an hour just to repeat everything I say, Steve?

Come on. Fifty!

And I'll charge you even more if you keep on being difficult.

That's what doctors do. Psychologists aren't doctors.

Whatever.

If she is indeed six years older than you, Mr. Bianchi,

I suggest to you, in the vernacular, that you dump her.

What? See, this--

this woman was playing tonsil hockey

on the playground of life

while you were a mere spermatozoa

in your father's scrotal sac.

Steve, I'm in a bind here, man.

I got an entire relationship-- Everything's based on lies.

Mmm. I see, Mr. Bianchi.

Bianski. I'm not Italian.

Could've had me fooled.

I'm not even in a real relationship with Isabella, so--

Oh, now, finally-- finally, we're getting somewhere.

Not a meaningful relationship with Isabella, but--

If I'm going to make this work with her, I got to tell her the truth.

No! Absolutely not.

The truth never helps anyone.

See, relationships are delicate enough

without the truth messing things up.

You see, the truth is like pure oxygen, hmm?

It can kill you.

It's got to be mixed in with other things. What?

Am I really paying you for this advice?

If you love someone, embrace them.

And if the truth helps, well, flaunt it.

If it doesn't, avoid the truth like a plague,

like a-- like a pestilence

that should be driven from the valley.

Valley.

Fathers and sons,

they say horrible things to one another

that should never be repeated,

most of them truthful.

But what's important is how they feel.

That's what counts.

You learned all this stuff studying?

Come on, Jake. You don't get this shit out of a textbook.

Huh?

This is life, man. Life.

And yours truly has lived it.

Excuse me, ladies.

Look, before I forget, I need to get off early tonight.

I got plans. Well, you're the boss.

I was going to go down to the community college

and sign up for some evening classes.

English literature. You got to be kidding. You, too?

Hey, I'm not going to spend my whole life in this fish market.

I got dreams, too. English literature?

You love fish.

Whatever, man. Go study Shakespeare. I don't care.

Always knew you had a thing for guys in tights anyway.

Yeah. Well, thanks for the support.

You got it.

She's taking me to her faculty dinner.

Don't go. Intellectuals,

though I count myself among them,

are very cliquey if you're not on their level.

Hey, Jake, you should have at least had

a couple good years of sex before this bullshit started.

I mean, at minimum, you should've seen her nipples.

[exhales forcefully]

Hey.

Oh. You can't wear that.

Why not?

Because you can't wear khaki to a formal.

Let me just-- Can I-- Whoa.

If you don't want to take me as I am, why don't you take Michael?

Because I want to take you. Now, just look nice for me.

Here. Try this on.

No. I can't wear that.

Okay.

What about this one? No.

None of these. Why do you want a suit?

Let me just see.

That looks good. Yeah.

What's this?

Hmm?

This.

Wow. Uh, yeah.

These are, uh, my-- my anniversary suits.

If you really love someone,

they don't need something like this.

All right. Why don't you tell me what you can wear?

This.

If it's good enough for me,

it should be good enough for your Ivy League snobs.

They're not snobs. They're intellectuals.

Intellectuals bore me.

I'm not going to have anything to talk about with them.

You're going to have a good time. I promise.

Yeah, we do all our neutering by laser now.

We love it. What about spaying?

Spaying's a little tricky.

I think you still need the human touch for that one.

[Man] Tonight's a very special night.

I am happy to present this year's

Vets Without Borders Award for Excellence in Research

to Dr. Marisa Costa

for her outstanding work with the Italian greyhound.

[applause]

Careful, people. She's showing you up.

[chuckles]

So here's to Dr. Costa,

one of our most cherished colleagues,

and her pursuit of knowledge.

You were getting an award, and you didn't tell me?

You don't ask about my work.

It's not just an award. It's a grant.

A $500,000 endowment.

Not bad for four years out of veterinarian school.

That's what I mean. $500,000?

You're not going to tell me that?

You wouldn't have come. I would have come.

What is it you do, Jack?

I work in a fish market.

[Man] A fish market? [guests chuckle]

You sell fish?

He's being modest. He owns it.

Ohh. So you're a businessman.

Of sorts, yeah.

Speaking of business, uh, Susan got a promotion.

She got tenure at the university. Yeah. Congratulations.

[Woman] Excellent. And a pretty nice pay raise.

85,000 a year.

[chuckles]

That's it?

Um, I'm just saying--

I mean, you're a professor. That's all you make?

That's actually a very good salary.

How do you live?

Excuse me?

I just mean-- I mean, I pay that out in a bad year, so...

[Host] Wait a minute.

A fishmonger makes 85,000?

Yeah. [guests murmuring]

Really?

It's good to be a monger.

The goal of North End Fisheries is to consistently increase our annual profit margin.

I just recently raised prices in the shop.

People don't mind spending more because they feel like

they're getting a better product in the end.

As long as I keep my costs down,

my revenues are out of the red and into the green.

Yeah. Theoretically,

let's say you had some inside information

from a certain veterinary researcher

about a new strain of avian flu

that had the potential to kill off

the entire feline population.

How could I make money off that?

Well, I guess in that... horrendous scenario,

um, I guess you could make a small fortune

short-selling the pet supply manufacturing companies

and, at the same time, investing in companies

that produce pet...coffins.

Anyway, guys, I hope I was helpful.

I don't know. I just figured, you know,

if you're smart enough to get into Harvard,

you might as well be financially smart enough to pay for it.

You really think that guy's going to call me to be a guest lecturer?

Probably. He loved you.

Oh, man.

Me, the high school dropout, a college lecturer?

It would be so freaking cool.

You think they were just humoring me?

Like I really just stuck out

like a hooker at a convent or something?

That's your baggage, not theirs.

Why are you so upset?

I'm not upset.

It's just, you know.

No. What's up?

It was my night,

but I was eclipsed,

and not even by my boyfriend.

Come here. No.

If I'm going to be overshadowed,

I would at least like it to be by someone

who basks in me when I get home at night.

Me.

Good night.

Good night?

Good--

Seriously?

[scoffs]

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

Hello?

Hey. You buzz me up?

[buzzer]

You need a slumber party.

♪ Suddenly I'm out ♪

♪ From beneath my tree ♪

♪ And everywhere is far ♪

♪ As the eye can see ♪

♪ A blanket full of stars ♪

♪ Look down on me ♪

I was thinking more of an adult slumber party.

No. Adult slumber parties aren't as much fun.

Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to come help me?

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

♪ There was light upon my back ♪

♪ And everybody sings ♪

♪ And now it's time to say go live again ♪

♪ Walk out the back doors and then ♪

Nice. ♪ And everybody comes and goes ♪

[Jake] You see that line over there?

The one that represents friendship?

I think it's safe to say that we've crossed that.

You know what Freud says?

Yeah.

He'd say, "I'd rather be making out with my mom."

Ah! Hey.

Beautiful day! Beautiful day! It is.

How you doing? So...

So...

How is the therapy going, eh?

What--

I'm not-- I'm not in therapy.

Why even say something like that?

Oh. Steve,

he tell us all about your, uh, sessions.

But don't worry. [clicks tongue]

Your secret is safe with me.

He told you that?

Oh, figlio mio.

You know, you need it for some time now.

♪ [singing in Italian]

Ah, Marisa! Buon giorno.

Ohhhh!

You got the glow! [laughing]

Oh, believe me, there's no glow.

It's more of a flame.

Ooh! [speaks Italian]

Ciao, bella. Piu tarde.

I don't care. Most historians would disagree with you.

[scoffs]

I don't care what most historians say.

I live through it, and I'm telling you,

Italy was never part of the Axis.

Yes, they were.

No! They were not.

Is this before or after the war?

[speaks Italian] Before or after,

the Italian people were always part of the Allies.

What? As for Mussolini himself-- [speaks Italian]

That's another story.

Are you shitting me?

Is Jake here? I need to speak to him.

What the hell do you want?

Look, I just need some help. Please.

It's not going to happen. No way.

Oh, God. It's been eight years. You still can't be mad.

Time heals most wounds,

but Jake is like a homophiliac--

A hemophiliac. a hemophiliac.

He, uh, he still bleeds.

Yeah, well, he doesn't have to bleed anymore

because I'm back.

She's what?

It took you eight years to realize this?

Look, I'm sorry that I was slower than you, but...

I'm here now...

if you want me.

[Woman on TV] Help me! [child laughing]

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, huh?

No. You kidding me?

This-- This is--

This is the best day of my life. Like...

This is what I've been dreaming of, right?

You don't act like it.

I don't know. You guys just showed up so unexpectedly.

[children chattering]

I just wasn't sure what to do, that's all.

Well, be excited.

I mean, this is what you and I have always wanted, right?

Yeah. No, I know. [child babbling]

This-- This is really good.

We're soul mates, so...

Yes, sweetie.

You okay? [babbling continues]

[Steve] So how's it going? [Jake] Yeah.

It's great, you know.

It's everything I've been dreaming of, so...

It's good. Yeah.

Is it?

You want my professional opinion or my honest opinion?

Which one's more important?

Oh, they both are. Then give me both.

Okay. Professional opinion first?

I don't care, Steve. Just give me one.

Well, let's see. My professional opinion is

that you get the heck out of town

you get into your truck and you move to another state

and you don't tell anybody where you're going, now.

Come on, man. I'm being serious here.

So am I. Her husband's going to kill you.

He is. He's Italian, you know.

You know what? If you're just going to stand out there

and listen in anyway, why don't you just come in,

pull up a chair, and join my therapy session, you know?

You asked.

Hey, Pop, get the counter, will you?

It's fine. It's fine. I left a note.

Him, too?

He's going to tell me everything anyway, so save time.

I ask you as a friend, Jake, don't pull us into this.

Your life is shit.

How are you going to keep any clients?

How are you going to keep your balls?

Is this the meeting of the minds?

Yeah, something like that. Hi, boys.

Well, uh... [Jake] How you doing?

Hey, Jake. What's up?

[scoffs]

What are these?

They're just, uh-- They're some, uh--

Fish tags.

Did the Girl Scouts write these for you?

No, they're-- Like he said, they're fish tags for the--

Yeah. See, this is a fish market.

Is it really? Thank you. Yes.

We're going to go for a walk. You want to come?

Yeah. I'll be right there.

I'm just going to take a minute with these guys.

I'll meet you outside, okay? Okay.

Cool.

See you, boys.

Yeah. Whatever. Keep in touch.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I know a guy. He makes problems go away.

Your kind of problem.

Yeah, Frankie the jeweler's cousin. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Never going to know what happened.

You just know she don't come back.

[speaking gibberish] Hey.

[laughs] They hate me.

Oh, they-- Yeah, they do. They really do.

Do you hate me?

No, I don't hate you.

Hey, you.

Um, Isabella, this is-- this is Marisa.

Marisa, Isabella.

[scoffs] You're Marisa?

I've heard so much about you.

I--

I gotta-- You just--

Marisa!

Marisa!

Marisa, come on!

Marisa!

God!

How are you so fast?

Oh, what a tangled-up web we weave

when first we practice to deceive.

Like the song says.

That's not a song. That's Shakespeare, Papa.

Yeah? No, that's not.

It's Sir Walter Scott.

You know, forget the poetry

because right now, you got an opportunity

to exploit Marisa's latent lesbian side.

Now, maybe you invite Isabella to join you two

in a little ménage, hmm?

Like a mini scrum.

Yeah, no. Just like a scrum.

[chuckles]

That's my boy. [sighs]

Yeah. It's a good idea.

[screaming]

What's-- Oh, no.

[screaming continues]

It's my-- It's my son, okay?

Your son? Well, I have to ask you to leave.

[screaming continues] [stammering] I got to--

Please. He's going to die if we don't hurry up.

[door opens]

Your antics aren't going to work.

They're not antics. I swear.

Look, we just-- We need you to help Chuckie.

Jake, these rodents carry diseases.

Honey-- Honey, can I have this?

Let me take this from you. Just let me look at it real quick, okay?

She's going to help Chuckie, all right? Thank you.

She's going to help fix Chuckie up. Yep.

All right? My God! What are you--

What is wrong with a veterinarian--

Really? Here you go. There you go.

Can I talk to you a minute?

You can't just throw a kid's pet in the trashcan.

What kind of mother are you going to be?

Well, at this rate, I'm not going to be one at all.

But that rat is dead.

Then I need you to, like, cardiovert it or something.

What part of dead did you miss?

Just fix it, okay? Switch it with another one.

He'll never know. It doesn't matter.

This is not a pet store. It's a doctor's office.

Well, it's a veterinarian's office, but--

What's this about?

It's about a kid and his pet.

And that's it? Yeah. That's it.

You knew it was dead, but you came here anyway.

It's an excuse, Jake.

You really think that I would use a kid's tragedy as my own personal gain?

Yeah. Well--

You do look nice.

That the sweater that I bought you?

Get out of my office. Why are you so pissed?

I told you that I had a girlfriend

from the beginning.

I thought we crossed that line.

Get out, Jake. Out. I mean it.

You knew that we were only friends.

Yeah. Well, you know what?

Maybe I just didn't want to believe it.

[door opens]

Hey, buddy.

I'll buy you a new Chuckie.

[buzzer]

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

Hello.

Let me speak to my wife, you son of a bitch.

It's for you.

Mm-mm.

I tried. She doesn't want to talk to you.

When I'm through with you,

your balls are going to be floating

in a Tupperware container.

Mmm.

Okay, just wait there a minute.

Hold on. I'll be right down.

What?

[Jake] You know what your problem is, man?

You don't understand women.

You don't.

You know, you got to make them feel special.

Like, romance them and stuff.

Buy them presents. Women love presents.

She's my wife. [scoffs]

You're not getting anywhere with that attitude.

They want to feel like they're the only person in the world, man.

Like, you know,

like they're wanted.

I'm serious. You tell a woman once nice thing,

you can be banging her in no time.

I don't want to bang anyone.

I want my family back.

Hello!

What, am I talking to myself here?

I want you to have them back, too, man.

I got a room full of kids upstairs. You kidding me?

But you got to win her back from me,

otherwise she's not going to respect you.

If you didn't want her,

then why did you destroy my family?

Just-- Come on. You know,

people always want what they can't have.

It's grass is always greener on the other side.

That sort of thing.

You're going to get her back from me.

You just got to chase her. They love being chased.

It's what they want. It's not so hard.

You're an asshole.

You don't deserve Isabella.

I know.

Or any other woman, for that matter.

I know.

Another beer?

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

[buzzing] Hello-hoo-hoo!

Marisa, answer the door!

I know you want to talk to me, too.

It's-- Come on. [Man] Shut your pie hole down there.

We're trying to sleep. Piss off, blondie.

[Woman] Honey, get over here. There's a crazy person.

[laughing] I know, man.

[Marisa on intercom] I'm not coming down.

I need to talk to you. Then talk.

Sweetie, call the cops. I think it's going to fall off.

What?

My cock! [Man] I'll cut your cock off!

My johnson! Jake, stop it!

I did what you said. I stopped having sex with the sheep,

and then the chickens got jealous.

Stop it! I let a couple of them nibble on it a little bit.

It's nothing weird or anything. Just-- Jake!

Ooh! I like to have sex with farm animals. Shut up down there!

You introduced me to them. Is it so wrong?

Is it, Veterinarian Marisa Costa, Oh, my God.

apartment 302? Come in.

[door buzzes] [Man] You drunken bum!

Oh...

Hi.

There's nothing you can say that I want to hear, Jake.

Okay, fine. Maybe-- Maybe not.

But there's something I have to tell you.

Go for it.

I'm not Italian.

Go home, Jake. You're drunk.

You're drunk.

Ow.

Marisa!

I'm Polish.

[child groans]

I'm watching you, creep.

Shh.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Oh, my God! Turn it off.

What are you doing? Shh!

Shh, what? Shh.

Mario told me everything.

I'm leaving you, Jake, in the morning.

Then what the hell are you still doing in my bed?

We didn't want to wake the kids.

Oh, this is just great.

[groans]

You've read this?

Old Man and the Sea? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It's awesome.

[inhales sharply] [chuckles]

[Jake] That's it. I'm turning gay.

From here on out, it's dick for me.

It's genetic. It's not your choice.

Not true, not true.

Freud says there's a sexual continuum.

No. Freud's not always right.

Pursuit of sausage is definitely genetic.

Enough, okay?

Oh, do we need to explore

anger management in our next session?

I can't deal with you today. You both got to go. You got to get--

Get out. Out. Out. Okay.

Hey, Jake. What?

I'll set you up with my cousin.

He loves a-- [speaks Italian]. What--

What are you doing? [chuckling]

What is he doing?

Where are you going? Should've done this a long time ago.

[stammering] What are you-- Huh? It's for your own good.

Anger is a desperate cry for help. Get out!

It is. Out! Out!

All right, all right. Don't push. Ow!

What don't you understand? She's not here!

Fine!

You can't be here.

I'm not leaving till I see her.

Then you will shrivel up and die waiting.

[scoffs] Hey, stalker boy.

It's time to go.

I told you I'm not leaving until I see her.

You can't see her. She's not here.

She went to Italy.

Vets Without Borders?

I've been here all day long.

Why didn't you say something?

We did. We did.

She's my soul mate.

There's no such thing as a soul mate.

You only want her 'cause you can't have her.

When you met this broad, you denied the window.

Now you're stuck on the other side of it.

I love her. If you love her,

how come you banged Isabella?

I didn't bang Isabella. Yeah, but you would have.

You just didn't have enough time. It's transferring.

[Steve] Transference.

You desperately cling to relationships that don't work

in order to hold on to your dead parents.

Oh, now, this is about my parents?

[in unison] Yes.

It has nothing to do with feelings or--

or-- or concern over finding a soul mate, huh?

Isabella is a literal metaphor.

[chuckling]

There's no such thing as a literal metaphor.

She's a simile. [scoffs]

Mr. Walt Whitman here takes three night classes,

all of a sudden he's a doctor of English literature?

Huh?

Look, Isabella represents your parents.

Marisa represents letting go and accepting their deaths.

[Steve] Oh, that's deep. You learn that in night school, too?

You don't need night school for that. Try second grade.

It's basic stuff. Oh, basic stuff.

It's only the basis of modern psychoanalytic theory.

If you're calling Freud a second-grader-- [chuckling]

You know what? If Freud's theories are based on similes,

then I guess I'm calling him that.

Freud was full of shit. How about that?

The first stage is anger. I'm not angry, Steve.

[chuckles] Then denial. Mm-hmm.

You know, when I was your age,

they didn't have airplanes.

They've had airplanes since the 1920s.

Commercial airplanes been around since the 1920s.

Details, details. If you want Marisa, fly to her.

Fly! You know, like the song says.

What song?

Well, if they wrote one.

[scoffs]

She's my soul mate.

They don't have air conditioning in Italy.

I don't know why. Maybe they got it from the Greeks.

So you've got to take some newspaper,

dip it in water,

wrap it around

to keep it moist and fresh.

Got it? Mm-hmm.

Now, Francesca will take care of everything.

But don't screw this up. I'm not going to screw it up.

I like this girl. I do, too.

And I want you to come back with this.

Okay. All right. Okay?

I'll kill you if you don't.

It's a beautiful ring.

Jackie, do me a favor.

Take this for Frankie

and...load it up

with a lot of costume jewelry

so the Customs will never know.

Okay? Go ahead.

[clears throat] Thank you.

Yeah.

My cousin there-- he'll take care of you.

Alessandro has the finest fabrics in all the world.

Except for here. The cuts?

[swishing sound] Stupendo.

All right. Thanks, Silvano.

Prego. Ciao.

[Woman speaking Italian]

[both shouting in Italian]

[chattering in Italian]

[bell tolling]

Hi. Um...

do-a you-a speak-a English?

Signor Bianchi. Yeah.

Ohh!

Piacere. Francesca. Hi.

Uh, Jake. How you doing?

Um, uh, you-a

Aunt-a Teresa? Mm-hmm.

Said-a you could-a

help-a me out.

Si. Per amore.

[continues in Italian]

Buon giorno.

Um, uh, you speak English?

No. [speaks Italian]

You speak, like, a little bit of English?

A lit-- [speaks Italian]

I need to find a guest.

Um, uh, veterinaria Marisa Costa.

Si.

Una Dottoressa Costa.

No, no. No, uh-- No una dottoressa.

A una veterinaria.

No. é una Dottoressa.

Dottoressa Costa. Spagnola.

No, no.

Veterinaria Costa. Italiana.

No. [speaks Italian]

La Dottoressa Costa è spagnola.

She's Italian. I know she's Italian.

She told me she's Italian.

She-- There you go.

Dottoressa Costa. Spagnola.

I need a room next to hers.

Non capisco.

I need a-- I need a-- [stammering]

sleep-- uh, dormire next to her room.

I want to be her neighbor. Ah.

[speaks Italian]

Okay. Okay.

Perfect. How many nights, sir?

Marisa, I know I was a jerk,

and I'm sorry.

But I love you so much,

and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Besides, you lied, too. You're Spanish.

¿Tú hablas español, hmm?

Don't say that, Jake. Don't--

Soul mates.

Oh. Hey. Can I help you?

Um, yeah.

I-- I was looking for my, uh--

for my--

Do you, um-- Do you have any shampoo?

Shampoo.

Yeah.

Um, yeah. Yeah. Hold on.

Okay.

Here you go. My girlfriend's.

Your girlfriend's. Yeah.

Yeah, so is the robe. [chuckles]

You know what, too? Just keep it.

I'll tell her the maid took it.

Okay. Bye-bye.

You know what I would love to do tomorrow?

Let's go for a hike.

I can't. I have to work. I have to be up at, like, 6.

Oh. Okay. Um...

Well, you know what? Let's go get some gelato.

Gelato? Right now. Yeah. Come on.

Really? They got cable.

I know. The cable here? Yeah.

Three channels. I know, but...

Did you see the German one? I'm sorry.

Jake.

Uh, this is Michael.

Michael, this is Jake.

Jake. Boston Jake?

Michael?

Hey, I've heard a lot about you.

I thought he was limp in the sack. I'm sorry. What?

I'm just saying, that's what I heard. Jake!

Will you marry me?

[sighs] No. No. Get up.

Come on. This thing's burning a hole in my pocket.

I thought you two were just friends.

We are. I miss you so much.

I just want to be with you.

[Michael] Hey, um, she said no, so...

if you don't mind, could you leave us alone, please?

It's our anniversary.

Two weeks ago this very day,

I gave her an orgasm

that you couldn't possibly touch

with a vibrator.

Enough, Jake, seriously.

You're kidding, right? Right?

This is between Marisa and me.

This doesn't concern you.

You messed with my woman?

Will you marry me?

Get up.

Come on. Get up. Up, up, up. Get up! What?

You messed with my woman. [chuckles]

I'm going to kill you. Yeah.

Then I'm going to cut off your balls, and I'm going to have them bronzed.

[chuckles] What's with the balls and you Italian guys?

What do you got, a Greek complex? A Greek complex. That's good.

Rearranging furniture. I like your pink shirt. Come here, you.

Oh, do you like pink? Look at you. You're a track star.

Okay. Hey, where you going? You're running in circles.

I can do this all night.

You asked me if I had a dream.

You're my dream. I love you.

No, Michael! Don't hurt him! You want a hug?

[grunt]

Ohh.

Marisa.

Good morning.

Where am I?

[groaning]

Are you okay?

Did I win? [chuckles]

Yeah. You won.

[groans]

Now get up.

You get up. [chuckles]

We're going for a run.

No way.

I can't take another ass-kicking.

♪ Everything will be all right ♪

♪ In spite of me ♪

You don't have to humor me.

You can run ahead if you want.

Your poor face. I'm fine.

The problem is, I don't remember your answer.

My answer? Well, are you going to marry me?

Can you beat me to the rocks? No.

Well, could you at least try? Are you ser--

I don't want to--

♪ Everything will be all right ♪

♪ In spite of me ♪

♪ Everything will be all right ♪

♪ In spite of me ♪

♪ And do you think we'll be all right ♪

♪ This far with me ♪

♪ Everything will be all right ♪

♪ Will be all right ♪

♪ Will be all right ♪

♪ Will be all right ♪

♪ Will be all right ♪

♪ And we'll be all right ♪

♪ Be all right ♪

♪ We'll be all right ♪

♪ Be all right ♪

♪ We'll be all right ♪

♪ [tarantella]

♪ [tango]

♪ [rock]

♪ So turn up again ♪

♪ There's a frame upon my wall ♪

♪ But there's nothing inside at all ♪

♪ And everybody listens ♪

♪ And everybody tries to give themselves ♪

♪ Some good advice ♪

♪ And now I'm tempted in the middle ♪

♪ Of an otherwise good year ♪

♪ As it's always been around here ♪

♪ Now I am absolutely free ♪

♪ And everything is clear ♪

♪ And suddenly it seems ♪

♪ That I'm not empty ♪

♪ And I'm not down ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

You know no one's going to buy your philosophical bullshit, don't you?

Sure they will.

A psychologist who's more screwed up than his patients.

How can anyone not be cured?

Steve, why don't you just stay here?

Go to Harvard with me. They got some great master programs.

Between the both of us, we could have psychology into the sixth grade.

No. No, I'm through with Boston and this weather.

California's got enough freaks already,

so I figured Arizona's going to be perfect.

Nice. They don't know what they're in for.

This would make a great picture.

Let's get one. I got it. Yeah.

Hey, Pop, get in here and take a picture, will you?

Just a minute, please.

Now, uh, your last name Baba. Baba.

That's not Italian. [speaks Italian]

It's Romanian.

But Romanian is called such because of the Roman history.

The Romans went into my city-- [chattering, overlapping]

Si, si, si. Now, have you--

Have you, uh, ever been to Italy?

Yes, sir. When I was 15, I worked in a café,

but I did not speak the language all that well.

So on the piece of paper-- [chattering, overlapping]

Lei parli italiano? You speak Italian?

A little bit. I understand a lot.

But I can learn more.

Yeah. Do you like fish?

Oh, I love fish.

I grew up by a river-- Yeah, yeah.

Can you clean a halibut?

Yes. Very, very quickly. Oh!

And very clean, yes. All right.

Va bene.

Now, most important,

do you like Italians?

Of course I love Italians.

Everybody wants to be Italian.

Oh, bravo, bravo!

You got the job. All right, all right.

Can you start now? Yes.

All right. [speaks Italian]

Oh, bravo! That's enough.