Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Huh. This plate's still dirty.

- Even for us. - Yeah,

our dishwasher doesn't work that well.

- And it leaks. And it's old. - Look who's talking.

- Hey, at least everything else in the kitchen works great. - Mm.

Hey, Teddy. Can I get you a burger?

Make it a double. I skipped breakfast.

Unless you count a whole bunch of bacon.

LOUISE: Hey, Teddy, has your truck always had

a huge metal tub attached to it,

and I'm just noticing it now?

Uh, someone hired me to get it out of their yard.

They just bought their house,

and the tub was there when they moved in.

The previous owner had a horse. Used to drink out of it.

Wow. Lucky tub.

So, what are you gonna do with it?

I'm taking it to the dump.

- Dump. - Can I go sit in it?

- Okay, sure. - I'll join you for a little tub sit.

Maybe I could horse around in there. (chuckles)

- Hello, burger children. - Can't talk, tub‐sittin'.

Look who swam in. It's the Fisches.

Hey, Bob, it's our landlords.

Hello, Bob and female Bob.

Uh, hey. Uh, I think we paid the rent this month.

Are you here to congratulate us?

Or‐or do you want food?

- Ooh, I'd love a frittata. - Oh, uh, I mean,

- do you want a burger? - Ugh, no.

Bob, I've just purchased

a building on the other side of town

that I'm turning into storage units.

And the basement of that building

was once a nightclub.

And I'm gonna reopen it and manage it

and call it Jazz‐aret.

Ooh, congratulations!

And you're telling us this because...

- We want you to be the chef. - Oh. I...

Yeah, I want to do a whole bar menu thing.

I want to do Jazz Balls, which will be meatballs.

And I want to do Scat Cakes, which will be crab cakes.

I'm not sure you want the word "scat" on your menu.

And also, I‐I can't. I have a restaurant.

Bob, we'd never dream

of asking you to give up all this.

We're in the process of hiring a perma‐chef.

In the meantime, you could fill in.

Just for tomorrow night.

Which happens to be opening night.

I‐I‐I don't think so.

We'll give you a month's rent for free.

- Okay, I'll do it. - A month's rent in one night

is more than we make in a month!

Fantastic. Why don't you come by later

so you can see the club, hmm?

Make sure the kitchen, you know, has all the food things

and, uh, spoons or whatever you cooks call

the sad little tools of your trade.

I think "spoons" is right.

Uh, okay, sure. I'll come by after we close.

I'm coming, too. I want to see

what a real Casablanca looks like.

But without all the Nazis.

Come on, Felix. Let's go tend

to your little project.

Stop calling my nightclub a little project.

Speaking of little projects, does someone have to go pee‐pee?

- You keep squeezing. - I'm just excited.

What do we do with our hands when we're excited?

- Squeeze our... - No.

If you put your ear up to the side,

you can almost hear the horse drinking.

I hear a farmer peeing.

Well, I don't know about you guys,

but I'm thinking we just found ourselves

our very own swimming pool.

Huh. I guess if our standards are really low.

- But that sounds like us. - RUDY: Hey, guys.

Rudy Rudy Fresh and Tootie.

'Cause you tooted in assembly yesterday.

- You bet I did. - Hi, kids.

We're going to pick up my dad's Internet friend at the airport.

So, what are you guys doing in there?

Hanging out in our new pool.

That doesn't look like a pool.

It will when it's filled with water

and has less rust.

You know who has a great pool? Chloe Barbash.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Remember her pool party last year?

Damn.

Cannonball!

Did I get you?

Well, our pool isn't like Chloe's show‐offy pool.

Ours has tetanus.

Hey, Rudy, we got to roll.

Sheila said she just landed, and she's starving.

Okay. Bye, guys.

Hey, kids. I don't mean to break up

whatever you're doing in an empty metal tub

that doesn't at all make me feel bad for you,

but I got to get going.

Teddy, since you're just throwing this out,

can we have it?

Really? Why do you want it?

We're gonna use it as a pool.

Okay. Now I feel worse for you.

But, sure, you guys can have it.

Should we ask your mom and dad first?

No, no, no, no, no, no. We can't.

Because... it's for them.

It's a present for their, um, anniversary,

and that's‐‐ oh, wow‐‐ that's tomorrow.

Their anniversary's not tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I know. But the anniversary

of the day that they first went swimming together is.

Their swim‐iversary.

Swim‐iversary. I got to mark that down.

You want me to bring it in now?

No, no, no, no. It's got to be a surprise.

Can you bring it around back

and help us hide it with some trash?

That won't be hard. It is trash.

So, we're gonna swim in the alley?

Like rats after a rainstorm.

No, we're gonna stash it in the alley,

and then when we get a chance,

we're going to install it in the basement.

And we'll bring it down when they're not looking.

Basement pool. Very romantic.

Bob and Linda are lucky to have kids like you.

They really are.

Ugh. I don't want to do this.

Free month's rent, Bob. Come on. Let's go in.

Wow. It's...

- actually nice in here. - Bob! Linda!

- Hey, Mickey. - Mickey! You're here?

Yep. The Fischoeders

have a bunch of us carnies working here.

I'm bartending, but, uh, you know, I really don't know how.

Did you guys know there's more than one kind of liquor?

- BOB: Hmm. - Hey, I'm working on a signature drink.

- You want to try it? - Ooh, ooh, yeah.

Oh. Oh, what is it?

Beer, wine, milk, pretzel sticks and protein powder.

- You're gonna want to stir that up. - Oh.

I call it Slipping You A Mickey.

Bob, Linda, welcome to Jazz‐aret.

Felix, why don't you show Bob where the kitchen is.

Don't boss me around, Calvin!

I'm the boss! I boss around! Bob,

- why don't I show you where the kitchen is. - Uh, okay.

Excuse me, Lady Burger. I have to go rehearse.

- Rehearse what? - Well, I'm just doing

a little number tomorrow for opening night.

Do you know the song "I Like Bananas"?

I love "I Like Bananas."

But isn't that a duet?

Yes, but I'm just going to "du‐et" myself.

♪ I like bananas in muffins and scones ♪

♪ I like bananas when I'm making a phone ♪

- ♪ Hello? ♪ - ♪ Who is it? ♪

- ♪ Your baby ♪ - ♪ It's kismet. ♪

So, this is where you'll be cooking

because it has all the cooking stuff

- and it's the kitchen. - Whoa. That's a Rossetti range.

Is it? I don't know. All this stuff was here already.

Uh, yeah. They're from Italy.

- Boy, it's in great shape. - Thank you.

- Oh, you're not looking at my body. - (phone buzzes)

Hello? Yes, this is Felix, owner of Jazz‐aret.

Do you mean, am I happy with my Internet provider

now that I'm the owner of a nightclub?

- Wow, you are nice. - (Italian accent): So are you.

- (chuckles) Thank you. - (German accent): Hello.

I will clean everything for you,

and there will be no food left on anything.

Thanks, Dishen Washen.

(Italian accent): I cook things evenly every time.

Ha! I love it.

We will make a great team, Bob.

(chuckles) Yeah, we will, oven.

- (jazz music playing) - (whistling and applause)

Nightclub kitchen,

I know we just met, but I think I love you.

♪ Bananas. ♪

(laughs) Yeah!

It's kind of fun singing a duet with another person.

How about you sing this with me tomorrow night?

♪ Yes. ♪

Bob, I'm gonna sing with Mr. Fischoeder tomorrow night.

That's great, Lin. The kitchen is incredible.

Everything works, and it's so clean,

and none of the knobs fall off when I turn things on.

Also, I think I might be a nightclub person?

Move over, Humpty Bogart and Ingrid Birdman.

Here comes Bob and Linda.

So, are we nightclub kids now?

I want to get glow sticks, I want to get a tube top,

and we're gonna need some drugs.

No. You guys are gonna stay here

and work at the restaurant with your mom.

I'll be at the nightclub all day.

- Boo. - Boo. - Yay! Oh, I mean, boo.

But we're closing a little early so I can go to the club, too.

♪ And sing. ♪

I'm looking forward to getting back

into that beautiful kitchen.

Watch out, Mom. Sounds like Dad's got a crush.

It's definitely more than a crush.

- I mean, I love you, too, Lin. - Oh,

kids, Jen's gonna babysit tonight.

Tina, I hope you don't mind. I know you like to babysit,

but your dad and I are gonna be out late.

No, it's cool. I mean, good for Jen.

Why would I need the money? I don't have

- barrettes to buy, right? - Just to clarify,

you're gonna be gone for most of the night?

- Yeah. Why? - Uh, I just want to know when you're gonna be home

so that I can stop crying around that time.

- Hmm. - Aw. - Hey, Gene, Tina, I, uh,

I made a friendship bracelet out of, uh, dental floss.

It's in the bathroom. You want to see?

- Sure. - Okay.

So, where's the floss bracelet?

- There is no floss bracelet. - What the hell?!

Listen, Mom and Dad are going out tonight,

and we've got a perfectly hidden tub in the back alley.

So I'm thinking pool party.

- Hmm. - Ooh.

Yeah. In fact, I think we should invite a few people over.

Have a poolwarming.

Every pool party's a poolwarming, honey.

We got to get that thing down to the basement today

so we can fill it for tonight.

But won't Mom and Dad be mad about us dragging a giant tub

into the basement, filling it with water,

and having a secret poolwarming party in it?

No. Next question.

Um, let's not do this? Question mark?

Hey, what if we invite Jimmy Jr.?

Interesting. Visualizing.

But what do we do about Jen?

Won't she stop us from pool partying?

Come on. It's Jen. Remember when we told her

it was super‐duper daylight savings time

and we should move the clocks back seven hours?

We all shared a sunrise.

Hey, Felix, uh, can I talk to you for a second?

- Uh, about the menu? - Hold on, Bob. No, no, no.

The little lampshades go over the candles.

Oh, I told him to take them off.

As your lawyer and your cousin, I have to advise you

that you can't put a lampshade over a candle.

- They go on fire. - Well, not right away.

- So, what do I do? - Remove it.

- Mm. - Sorry, Felix,

- can I just...? - What is it, Bob?

- Is something wrong with the kitchen? - No, no.

The kitchen's great. I‐I‐I love being there.

I don't even like leaving it.

But I‐I had a thought about the menu.

Maybe instead of Scat Cakes,

we call them Crabby‐os? Like "daddy‐o"?

- Mm, daddy‐no. - Oh.

What do you think of this wall?

I'm thinking about knocking it down.

I want to put in a jazzy nook

for make‐out sessions and jazzy nooky.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

There's a sewage main behind that wall, and if you hit it,

you'll have raw sewage all over the place,

which is inadvisable for a couple of reasons.

- And those reasons are? - Pee‐pee.

- Poo‐poo. - The big one‐two.

All right, fine, no nook.

I'm gonna go change into my new nightclub owner outfit.

- Hope he kept the receipt. - (laughs)

- What's so funny? - Oh, nothing, Bob.

Happy cooking tonight. Break a greasy leg.

Okay, here's the plan.

Tina, Gene, and I are gonna distract Mom

while, Teddy, you carry the tub to the basement

and then use the hose you brought‐‐

- thank you‐‐ to fill it. - Got it.

And if I get crushed by the tub on the stairs,

try to move my body

so it won't ruin Bob and Linda's swim‐iversary.

- It's their special day. - You got it.

Okay, let's go distract Mom.

I think I'm gonna wear my new swimsuit

to the pool party. It's kinda crazy.

It has a stripe, but it's diagonal.

- What?! - And guess how many pieces it is.

It rhymes with "fun." It's one.

♪ Here ya go, oops, I spilled a little ♪

- ♪ Hey, kids. ♪ - Wow, Mom.

- Your vocal cords sound tight. - They do?

Yeah. Maybe you should, uh,

limber them up before your big duet?

(voice tightening): Ooh, now that you mention it,

I'm kinda feeling it.

- (Teddy grunting) - (coughs) Excuse me. Gene,

do you want to show her that really loud vocal exercise?

- (grunting continues) - Oh, um, yeah.

This is what Kenneth Branagh does

before he plays King Shakespeare.

(imitating siren wailing)

- (Louise roaring) - TINA: Uh...

Let's do the biggest, loudest hug in the world!

(all screaming)

No, no, no, no, no, no! (screams)

(thud)

BOB: Felix,

you wanted to taste the Jazz Balls.

(lips smacking) Well, these don't taste like jazz at all.

Where's all that jazz we kept talking about?

- I‐I don't know what that means. - You!

You look very wrinkly. Come on. Let's go steam you.

Calvin, why are we going through so much trouble

with this "nightclub"

when we know Felix is just gonna get bored with it?

Is it possibly because someone wants to sing?

Mr. I Love Bananas?

It's "I Like Bananas."

Uh, what are you guys talking about?

Bob, Felix is bad at things.

And that's why this is not a real nightclub.

- It's not? - Technically, this is a private social club.

- Yeah. - So we are not required to have any permits.

- No. - Or pay our employees.

- No. Nope. - Or taxes.

Yep. Anyway, it doesn't matter, Bob.

Felix will lose interest after tonight or tomorrow,

and then we can start our private storage unit club

down here, which is where the real money is.

What's gonna happen to the kitchen?

We'll tear it apart and sell everything.

(tense): Tear it apart? Aah!

Please keep all this to yourself, by the way.

Yes, don't blab like you do.

Wait, what do you mean, like I do?

- Loose lips, wide hips. - Hmm.

Large nips. I assume.

Uh, I‐I mean...

Yeah.

LINDA: Okay, kids,

I'm headed to the... ♪ Nightclub! ♪

Have fun, you daffy jazz bird.

Make sure the trombones aren't rusty.

Bye! Bye! Bye! Stay out of my room!

So, what do you guys want to do?

Make stacks of pennies

- and take pictures of them? - (door opens, shuts)

(yawns) I think we're gonna hit the sack.

TINA AND GENE (yawning): Yeah.

But it's only 5:00.

Well, we're young and it's been a long day in the fields.

That makes sense. Good night.

- LOUISE AND GENE: Good night. - TINA: Night.

I guess I'll just watch some TV.

What do you guys want to...?

Oh, right. You went to bed.

This way to paradise, my friends.

And Chloe, who I didn't know was coming.

Well, I know Chloe loves pools,

so when I saw her in the hallway at school and she ignored me,

I ran after her and told her you were getting one.

Why is your pool in a dirty basement?

- Excuse me, Rudy, when you invite a plus‐one... - Yeah?

- ...you need to run it by me. - Okay.

Yep, yep, totally fair.

Ollie and I practiced CPR before we came over.

I almost lost him a few times, but he pulled through!

Hop in, guys!

The water's wet.

Hey, Jimmy Jr. It's Tina.

You might not recognize me in this bathing suit.

The diagonal line might be throwing you.

Yeah, it looks like you're leaning over.

- Right? - Well, this doughnut isn't gonna dip itself!

Oh, gah! This is cold!

My munchkins‐‐ they're freezing off! Yah‐yah‐yah!

Bob, I'm gonna get a tea for my throat,

'cause it's something singers do, I think.

(glumly): Sounds good.

What's wrong? Why are you sad‐cooking?

Uh, I'm not supposed to say.

Not supposed to say what?

It's just... this club, it's a sham.

What do you mean?

They don't have any permits, Lin.

It's not a real business.

They're just doing it to humor Felix,

and they don't think it'll last more than 48 hours.

- What?! - Felix!

They're just humoring me?!

No. No.

Uh, Jazz Ball?

Oh, I'll Jazz Ball.

I'll Jazz Ball them all.

Oh, boy.

Mmm. Good Jazz Balls.

You think Felix is gonna be okay?

He seemed pretty upset about me saying

Mr. Fischoeder saying this nightclub isn't real.

He seems... drunk but okay, I think.

I mean, I knew I was only filling in,

but I guess a small part of me thought

we'd work at the restaurant during the day

and be nightclub people at night.

And I'd get a white jacket.

And maybe a trumpet.

Me, too, I guess.

We'd die young, but it'd be fun.

It's too late for us to die young, but I know what you mean.

Lady Burger, should we run through it one more time

before we open the doors?

Not that I need to, but you do.

Okay!

Give me another. I don't want to feel anything

but Mickeys in me.

You got it, boss.

I am the boss, aren't I?

Yep. That's why I said it.

And a one and a two and a me and a you.

- (inhales) - FELIX: Excuse me!

(laughs) I just wanted to say,

I'm really excited about your big number.

It's gonna be a smash.

- Thank you, Felix. - Thank... you.

♪ Mommy loved me more than little brother. ♪

Don't sing that song!

LOUISE: All right! (chuckles)

- Pool party. - Yeah, you keep saying that.

I mean, it's a good reminder.

Are there any snacks or should we just eat this ketchup

that I'm sitting on?

Of course. We didn't put them out yet,

because we didn't want you guys to get cramps and drown.

Calm your butts. I'll be right back.

Check it out. If I lean over like this,

the line is straight up and down.

- Whoa! - Uh... yeah.

JEN: Hey, Louise.

- Aah! - Couldn't sleep?

Uh, yep. That's why I'm carrying snacks up and down the stairs.

So, are you just staring at the TV...

that's not on or...?

I couldn't figure out the remote,

so I thought I'd just sit really still. See?

- Huh. - Yeah.

Here, I'll help you.

This looks good.

It still hasn't turned on yet. There it goes.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, it got better, huh?

It did.

Look at that crowd!

Ooh, I just got nervous.

I'm gonna go pee real quick before our song.

And I'm going to purchase a car on my phone.

We all have our preshow rituals.

(muttering)

Oh, Felix!

(gently): How you doing?

I saw you drinking a lot out there.

Oh, I'm fine.

Uh, what are you...

gonna do with that sledgehammer?

This? Oh, I'll probably just hold it quietly.

Okay.

And I'm definitely not gonna wait

until the middle of my brother's precious duet

and hit a pipe with it so that raw sewage goes everywhere

and destroys this place.

Felix! You can't do that!

Oh, no, I was just kidding about that.

Oh, phew. You sounded crazy.

(chuckles): Yeah. Hey, Linda, will you do me a favor?

Would you go in and squeeze

the toilet paper rolls in the closet, please?

I'm worried they're not fluffy and plump enough.

Okay.

‐(grunts) ‐Oh, my God!

Let me out of here!

Sorry, Linda. Can't let you run off,

telling my brother about this.

He and I have some things to...

hammer out.

‐(laughing) ‐Oh, God.

Oh, I still have to pee!

Oh, a mop bucket. Oh, toilet paper.

You know another thing about indoor pools

that makes them way better than outdoor pools?

Outdoorsies have to shut their pools down in the winter.

- Your pool is leaking. - Sure, sure.

- (quietly): She's so jealous. It's so sad. - Um...

Actually, Louise, our‐our‐our pool is leaking.

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot!

Everyone, out of the pool!

Who would have thought a rusty old tub would leak?

Yay, pool party.

Shush, Chloe!

I was going to open the show by singing a duet,

but I don't know where my partner is,

so I will stall with a little crowd work.

Hey. What's that on your head? Hair?

- Hey, have you guys seen Linda? - Nope.

Why are you asking me?!

It's not like I locked her in a closet or anything.

What?! What‐what closet, Felix?!

I don't know!

Oh, my God. I have to go find Linda.

Hey, everybody! I opened a bottle!

Linda? You in here?

Linda? Linda?

And I said, "That's why octopuses have no pants."

- Linda? - Chef Bob, everybody!

You're enjoying his great Jazz Balls right now.

Everybody having fun? This is fun, right?

Working together? (laughs nervously)

It's leaking worse, Louise. We're not bailing fast enough.

It's probably because people are so distracted

by this wild swimsuit. Damn it, suit.

Well, this pool party pooped out.

Yeah, I'd love to keep bailing, but I'm gonna bail.

Oh. Okay. Bye, Chloe!

Was that too much? No, no, that was good.

Ugh! This water's gonna get all over everything.

Mom and Dad are gonna kill us. What do we do?

Turn the basement into a koi pond

and hope Mom and Dad are enchanted?

Uh, what if we sop up the water?

Good idea, Jimmy Jr.

Let me get my giant sponge that doesn't exist.

Oh, my God, yes. That's it.

We soak up the water.

With things that soak up stuff.

Everyone, open up these boxes

and see what we can throw in the pool.

See, Tina?

Sorry, it's the suit. It gives me suit 'tude.

I found bags of hamburger buns. They're kind of hard.

Oh, perfect.

Old buns. Let's dump 'em.

Carbs, you've been good to me all my life.

Don't fail me now!

- (grunting) - BOB: Lin?

- Bob?! - I'm‐I'm getting you out!

Oh, thank God.

Are you okay?

Ooh, smells like pee.

Yeah, somebody peed on the floor near that mop bucket.

Listen, Felix is gonna hit a sewage pipe with a sledgehammer!

- What? - We got to hurry!

♪ I'm from Manhattan ♪

♪ And you're from Indiana ♪

(high‐pitched): ♪ I like bananas ♪

♪ And you don't like bananas... ♪

- Felix, don't hit that wall! - Felix, stop! - (gasping)

Get that sledgehammer out of his hands!

(grunts) No!

You!

- (shouting) - Come on, come on, come on.

(grunts) You never believed in Jazz‐aret!

(strained): You have never finished anything

in your Jazza‐life!

(grunting)

Should we leave?

Yeah, let's go. Grab the Jazz Balls.

Ouchie!

BOB: Hey, grill

and oven and, uh, you, too, dishwasher.

I'm sorry I cheated on you with that really nice kitchen.

I mean, y‐you don't work that well.

But I‐I do appreciate you.

And you're also part of a real business,

so that makes a difference.

(high‐pitched): "That's okay, Bob.

"Sometimes I fantasize

about someone else cooking on me."

Really? Who?

"That Muppet with the rolling pin."

The Swedish Chef?

"Yeah. He's Swedish."

Is he, though?

Bob, finish apologizing to the kitchen.

I want to get upstairs and change.

I got closet pee stink on me.

- LOUISE AND TINA: Aah! - GENE: Oh, my God.

- Aah! - Wha? What the hell's going on?!

Nothing. No kids were here.

What do you mean no kids were here?

Why are you in bathing suits?

And‐and what's all over you?

And where's Jen?

She's upstairs watching TV, which might not be on.

By the way, this is not her fault.

What's not her fault?

Let's just say the basement

may or may not be full of wet buns.

But not that much water!

Oh, God.

We said it may or may not!

And don't ask how we know this, but it turns out

wet buns are super fun to swim in.

And whatever happened in that basement,

people are gonna be talking about for a long time.

- (laughing) - Yeah! - Cannon‐bun!

FISCHOEDER: Burger people,

we know you're here.

We can hear you and smell you.

Oh, God. What do they want?

I don't know, but we should go see

and not go in the basement!

Bob, we owe you this:

one month's rent.

Oh. Thanks.

It's empty.

Yes, that's how it works.

You don't have to pay me anything.

Oh. Then why do this?

Well, you were going to get free rent and a free envelope,

but now you just get free rent.

You blew it.

Felix, do we have something to say?

Sorry I locked you in a closet

and that you totally freaked out.

It's okay. Sorta.

It's a shame we didn't get to do our duet, Mr. Fisch.

Is it? I guess it is.

Lin, I'm actually kind of worried about the basement.

Maybe we should go look at it.

A five, six, seven, eight!

You guys start singing. Gene, get your Casio.

♪ All day and night, love ♪

♪ Because of or in spite of ♪

♪ We love each other just the same, love ♪

♪ We love each other just the same ♪

♪ I like bananas in muffins and scones ♪

♪ I like bananas when I'm making a phone ♪

♪ All day and night, love ♪

♪ Because of or in spite of ♪

♪ We love each other just the same... ♪