All language subtitles for the comedy central roast of bruce willis

♪♪

♪ Let's stay together ♪

Man: Bruce.

I think
when this roast is over,

you gonna find yourself
one smiling motherfucker.

Thing is, Bruce,
right now,

you're a 63-year-old
action hero.

That's a hard motherfuckin'
fact of life.

But it's a fact of life

your ass is gonna have to
get realistic about.

If you think it gets better
with age, it don't.

How many of those movies
have you got left in you?

Two.

You never won
an Academy Award,

and if you were gonna win one,
you would've won it by now.

Are you my nigga?

It certainly appears so.

Now, the night of the roast,
you may feel a sting.

That's pride
fuckin' with ya.

Fuck pride.

Pride only hurts.

I've seen the movies
you've made.

You never had any pride,
so why start now?

'Cause a year from now, when you
kickin' it in the Caribbean,

you gonna say,
"Comedy Central was right."

When they hit you
with those jokes, you laugh.

Say it.

When they hit me
with those jokes...

I laugh.

Now get out there.

It's time to get medieval
on your ass.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Van Halen's
"I'm the One" plays ]

Come out to the coast.

We'll get together,
have a few laughs.

♪♪

Whoo!

♪♪

♪ We came here
to entertain you ♪

♪ Leaving here
we aggravate you ♪

♪ Don't you know
it means the same to me ♪

♪ Honey, I'm the one,
the one you love ♪

♪ Come on, baby,
show your love ♪

♪ Hey, give it to me ♪

♪ I see a glow
that fills this room ♪

♪ I see it rolling off of you ♪

♪ And now your message
from above ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you ♪

♪ Ow, show your love ♪

♪ Show your love ♪

This is the Comedy Central
Roast of Bruce Willis.

♪♪

And now please welcome
your Roastmaster,

Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoa!

♪♪

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to the Comedy
Central Roast of Bruce Willis!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I am thrilled to be here.

I've been a huge Bruce Willis
fan my entire life.

My father was a huge
Bruce Willis fan.

His father was a huge
Bruce Willis fan,

and his father before him.

Uh, but as an actor,
I-I really admire Bruce's work.

He can play anything
from an asshole cop

to an asshole ex-cop.

[ Laughter ]

And when you got a star
like Bruce,

it takes no effort
to assemble a great dais.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah.

No effort at all.

We have domestic guru
Martha Stewart here with us.

Martha.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Martha's gonna do great tonight.

Uh, she's used to working
with unwanted leftovers.

Lil Rel, good to see you, sir.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Uh, Lil Rel was on
"The Carmichael Show,"

and now he's got his own show.

And critics say
that it'll be similar

to "The Carmichael Show" --
canceled.

[ Laughter ]

We got Kevin Pollak.
Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

He's in the show
"The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."

Um, he plays a character
named Moishe Maisel.

Moishe?

If that was any more Jewish,
it would control the weather.

[ Laughter ]

And it's awesome
that Edward Norton is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

What's up, man?

One of the world's greatest
living actors

is going to get roasted
by Edward Norton.

[ Laughter ]

We also have peacemaker
Dennis Rodman

here with us tonight.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dennis Rodman returning
once again from North Korea.

Uh, you know, Dennis may, uh,
be the only person on the planet

who can prevent a nuclear war.

So I guess this is goodbye.

[ Laughter ]

But tonight is about
our guest of honor.

Let's see Bruce Willis
in action,

because nobody wants to see him
in a comedy.

Hey.

Who are you?
A cop?

Grant: You're the wrong guy

in the wrong place
at the wrong time.

Man: You know what kind guys
I roll with?

Story of my life.

Die hards.

Welcome to the party, pal.

♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪

♪ Like Bruce Willis,
I'm a die hard ♪

♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪

♪ I'm a die hard,
Bruce Willis ♪

♪ I'm a die hard ♪Letterman: Bruce Willis.

Stewart: When you walked out on
"Letterman" with a meat hat...

-No, this is all-natural.
-Uh-huh.

...my esteem for you
went through the roof.

I am mentally ill.

It's a miracle!

I see dead people.

In your dreams?

Nothing personal.
I just hate you.

You know, I respect you so much
for telling me that.

♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪

♪ I'm a die hard,
Bruce Willis ♪

Did you know that some actors
turn down roles?

Cynthia: You don't want
to be intimidating everybody.

You used to be
such a happy-go-lucky guy.

Hey, I'm happy-go--
I'm very happy-go-lucky.

♪ If you don't
respect yourself ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
give a good ca-hoot ♪

Together:
Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

We love him
as a rock star.

♪♪

The United States government
just asked us to save the world.

Anybody want to say no?

Hartigan: Hell of a way to end
a partnership.

Feel that sting, big boy, huh?
That's pride fuckin' with you.

♪ If you like to gamble,
I tell you I'm your man ♪

Pretty lucky shot, huh?

♪ You win some, lose some,
all the same to me ♪

You're not gonna kill me.

No.
Jack is.

♪ I don't share your greed ♪

♪ The only card I need is
the ace of spades ♪

Whoo!♪ The ace of spades ♪

Who's Zed?

Zed's dead, baby.

-Aah!
-Zed's dead.

♪ You know I'm born to lose ♪

♪ And gambling's for fools ♪

♪ But that's the way
I like it, baby ♪

♪ I don't wanna live forever ♪

-You all right?
-My cholesterol's a little high.

Anybody else want to negotiate?

Oh, shit!

Mikey: Oh, no, put me back in.
Put me back in.

♪ The only thing you see ♪

♪ You know it's gonna be ♪

♪ The ace of spades ♪

♪ The ace of spades ♪

Do you really think you have
a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?

Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Yippee ki-yay,
William Faulkner.

[ Cheers and applause ]

He's got a sixth sense.

Let's hope it's
a sense of humor.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome the man of the hour,

Bruce Willis!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-You feeling good?
-Yes.

-Are you ready for this?
-Very well.

So, Bruce Willis.

What a career, right?

"The Fifth Element,"
"The Sixth Sense,"

"The Whole Nine Yards,"
"12 Monkeys."

Zero Oscars.

[ Laughter ]

Quentin Tarantino,
M. Night Shyamalan,

Wes Anderson, Michael Bay,

these are just some
of Bruce's directors

who refused to be here tonight.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis is what you get
if you isolate the white part

of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

[ Laughter ]

And -- And it's not just action
movies that made Bruce a star.

He's actually a great
dramatic actor, too.

I loved "The Sixth Sense."

It's a great movie.

And it's a really
impressive performance.

I don't know how you pretended
not to be embarrassed

while a 10-year-old kid
acted circles around you.

But you did it.

And, uh -- And the ending.

I did not see that twist coming.

I mean I-I shouldn't spoil it,
but...

I mean, fuck it.
It's been like 20 years.

It's so good.

Okay, so, at the end
of "The Sixth Sense,"

Bruce goes back
to making shitty movies.

[ Laughter ]

I had a blast working with Bruce

in a time-travel movie
called "Looper."

[ Cheers and applause ]Thank you, thank you.

So, in the film, uh,
I play a young Bruce Willis,

and he played
a washed-up Bruce Willis.

But it was this crazy
sci-fi premise

where I end up in the future

and Bruce ends up
in a good movie made after 1999.

[ Laughter ]

We want you to have
a good time tonight,

but don't get too comfortable
up here,

because later,
we're gonna be replacing you

with Ashton Kutcher.

Relax!

Relax.

Bruce gets along with him fine.

He was even at Ashton
and Demi's wedding.

His gift was a toaster
and $90 million.

[ Laughter ]

Well, listen, whatever
anybody says here tonight,

here's the truth, okay?

Deep down,
every single one of us

wishes that we have that --
that courage,

that swagger of, like,
I don't give a fuck that --

that you embody better than any
other movie star of our time.

Really.
You give us what we want,

and we love you for it.

And so, tonight, let's honor

one of the three founders
of Planet Hollywood.

[ Laughter ]

Not the one who won an Oscar

and not the one who became
the governor of California,

but the one whose agent is just
an outgoing message that says,

"He'll take it!"

Walter Bruce Willis!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Coming up, Nikki Glaser...

I-I'm not gonna be funny,
but I look hot, so that's fine.

...Kevin Pollak,
Cybill Shepherd,

Lil Rel Howery...

No hard feelings, brother.

...Edward Norton,
Martha Stewart, Dom Irrera,

Dennis Rodman, Jeff Ross,
and Demi Moore,

when the Comedy Central Roast
of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Our first roaster tonight

is someone who definitely
needs an introduction --

Nikki Glaser!

When she's not hosting
her hit radio show,

you can find her blowing around

outside car dealerships
during Toyotathon.

Please welcome Nikki Glaser!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone!

[ Cheers and applause ]

He's so cute, so adorable.

I bet you eat pussy but only
with the crust cut off first.

Isn't that his look?

Speaking of crusty pussy,

I'll get to you
in a second, Cybill.

I, um...

[ Laughter ]

I know.

I know.

Martha Stewart, "shank" you
for being here.

[ Laughter ]Shank.

Seriously, and congratulations

on getting that Thai soccer team
out of your vagina.

[ Audience groans, laughter ]

And into your sweatshops.

That's where they are now.

Surprisingly, Martha said that
prison food wasn't that bad.

Just, you know, as long as
it was clean-shaven, so...

She loves attention to detail.

Is she laughing?

I'm terrified of her.

[ Laughter ]

No, I -- Honestly,
Martha Stewart, I'm a huge fan,

and my mom
is an even bigger fan.

My mom has learned everything
from Martha Stewart

about cooking and cleaning
and withholding affection, so...

It's close to my heart.

Kevin Pollak is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ah, such an amazing actor.

Most --
Uh, I know Kevin as, like,

one of the greatest
impressionists of all time.

I'm a huge fan.

My favorite of his is, um,

he does an amazing
Robin Williams.

I-I just wish
he would finish it.

[ Audience groans ]

Yeah.
Okay, guys.

Listen, all I'm saying
is that we've lost

a lot of greats
to suicide recently,

and it's time
we lose some okays.

[ Laughter, groaning ]

Cybill's gorgeous.

I'm, like, honored to meet her,
and, um --

and her résumé is insane.

Like, if you look at it,
it's just like model,

actor, singer.

You name it, she's fucked it.

[ Laughter, groaning ]

I wish that wasn't true.

I don't know any
of these people.

Cybill...

Why am I here?

Ugh.

Literally, you have, like,
no friends.

Um...

[ Laughter ]

It's truly so cool
to be sharing the stage

with these badass women --

Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart,
uh, Margaret Cho.

I'm sorry, Dom Irrera.

I -- Uh, sorry.

I thought that was...

[ Laughter ]

Dom Irrer-- I know.

You sleepy potato.

[ Laughter ]

Dom, I love you,
but how did you have a stroke

on both sides of your face?

-Explain that.
-I don't know.

I don't get it.

Dennis Rodman, what's up?

Dennis Rodman!

I first met Dennis
just earlier tonight

when he tried to sell me
incense on the sidewalk.

[ Laughter ]

I don't want any, okay?

Edward Norton is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, buddy.

Ed looks to me like
if a marionette became a boy

and then that boy
became an asshole.

Right?

He was so hot in "Fight Club,"
right?

When he was Brad Pitt.

That was nuts.

[ Laughter ]

Now let's get to Bruce!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Bruce?
-Yes?

This is honestly a real --

a big personal moment
for me to be here

roasting my dead cousin's
second-favorite action star.

I know you, obviously,
as the star of every DVD

you kind of
just find on the street.

[ Laughter ]

Obviously, you had
an amazing action-film career

until Jason Statham
started balding.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just not familiar with
action movies. I don't know.

I've never seen a single one
of your films consensually.

Like...

it's always
what some guy puts on

while he's trying to finger me
on his roommate's couch.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Maybe I didn't understand
"The Fifth Element,"

and it wasn't 'cause
I'm a dumb girl,

but because it's hard
to follow that plot

when you're
fighting off a roofie

and there's a knuckle
inside you, you know?

Just me?

Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense,"
though.

I loved -- And the ending,
when the guy came in my eye

and I didn't have to watch
the rest of it, that was great.

A lot of people don't know

that Bruce is a very talented
musician, because he isn't.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce has also been very active
with the Make-A-Wish Foundation,

which is where they make
sick kids meet you

so dying doesn't seem
so terrible.

It's so cruel.

Bruce, in all honesty,
thank you for having me here.

You're really cool.
You're so hot.

And this is a special night.

You really are.
It's a special night, obviously.

Your family -- Your daughters
must be so proud

of their father, Ashton Kutcher.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you very much.
Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Oh, that's so good.
-Thank you.

I got 'em. Sorry.
Thank you.

No.

It felt good.

Coming up, Kevin Pollak...

You're going down.

...and Cybill Shepherd.

Nom, nom, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom.

When the Comedy Central Roast
of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

All right!

Our next roaster
is Kevin Pollak.

[ Cheers and applause ]Yes.

What a career he's had --
over 150 movies

and just under 12 minutes
of screen time.

[ Laughter ]

Please welcome Kevin Pollak.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt,
'cause that's a fuckin' name.

You know...

You're doing a great job
tonight, Joey.

-You are, really.
-Thank you, thank you.

He's such a pro.

It's no wonder you've been
working steadily in Hollywood

since you were 6 years old.

'Course, it helps when
your parents aren't choosy

about who touches your pee-pee.

[ Laughter ]

Speaking of Dennis Rodman,
I got to say...

It's odd to see you here.
It really is.

It's just odd.

I mean, it's just if you knew
Bruce, you know...

He's not fond of the blacks.

[ Laughter ]

Do you see him disagreeing?
Or is he laughing?

[ Laughter ]

You might think with a name
like Nikki Glaser

that she's Jewish,
but she's not.

You can tell, actually,
because, uh, Jews are funny.

[ Laughter ]

Nikki said on her own show
that she enjoys anal sex --

her words.

Hey, good for you.

I mean, it makes sense.
Obviously you don't eat.

So you might as well use
that hole for something, huh?

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

That's so nice.

Edward Norton, you, sir,
are fantastic,

one of my all-time favorites.

Honestly. You want to know
how brilliant Ed Norton is?

Ask him.

[ Laughter ]

And now on to the man
of the hour, Bruce Willis,

who I've known...

[ Cheers and applause ]

I've known Bruce for a very,
very long time.

We've done three films together,
one of them not horrible.

I really don't understand
why you agreed to do this.

I mean, if you wanted
to be humiliated, clearly,

we both know you could've just
released another singing album.

[ Laughter ]

Some of you may not know
because he bought every copy,

but Bruce released an R&B LP
back in the '80s.

I did some research to find out
whose idea this album was.

Turns out it was his manager.

And by "his manager,"
I mean cocaine.

[ Laughter ]

Just a tremendous
amount of coke.

Like, a Jeff Ross-sized
container of coke.

Bruce, pal, you've done
some great work recently,

especially your subtle turn

in Wes Anderson's
"Moonrise Kingdom."

Loved that film.

Yeah.

The story of two fifth-graders
falling in love.

Bruce would've fallen in love
with a fifth-grader

if he had met his current wife
way back when he was 47.

[ Laughter ]

I first met Bruce when I was
working with his first wife,

Demi Moore, in the film
"A Few Good Men."

Yeah.[ Cheers and applause ]

I think it's time everyone knew
something about Demi.

When she shaved her head,

she said it was for her role
in the film "G.I. Jane."

But the truth is,
she shaved her head

because she loved
her husband, Bruce.

And he wanted to fuck
his own face.

[ Laughter ]

And now, Bruce, one of
your friends and co-stars

from "Pulp Fiction"
couldn't be here tonight,

so they've asked me
to pass along a message

from Christopher Walken.

They've put it up here for me.
Here it is.

[ As Christopher Walken ]
"Hey, Bruce.

[ Laughter ]

Sorry I couldn't attend
your funeral.

I did want to say,
I've always been a fan,

particularly your work
in the film "12 Monkeys."

Sure, I was disappointed that
you did not portray a monkey.

But you gave a beautifully
nuanced performance

reminiscent of a monkey

who poops in his hands

and then throws it in your face.

Mostly, though, I wanted
to take this opportunity

to publicly thank you for
creating my favorite restaurant,

Planet Hollywood.

Ooh.

If I'm honest, it's also
my favorite planet.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, Bruce Willis,

for having the vision
and the courage to ask,

'Hey, who wouldn't want
to eat $40 potato skins

in a booth next to the hat
from "Billy Bathgate"?'"

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Normal voice ]
All ball-busting aside,

you've been a dear pal to me
and my family

for a very long time,
Bruce, and I love you.

Oh, I love you, buddy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Coming up, Cybill Shepherd...

I love you,
and I always will.

...and Lil Rel Howery.

They want me to say
really mean things

to Bruce Willis, but I won't.

When the Comedy Central Roast
of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Our next roaster
is Cybill Shepherd.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cybill has the distinction
of being the first actress

to hate working
with Bruce Willis.

I just learned this.
She dated Elvis when she was 19.

And last year,
her vagina was inducted

into the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame.

Please welcome Cybill Shepherd!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

I love you all here tonight
so much.

And I particularly love one
of the most brilliant actors

and finest men I've ever known,
Mr. Willis.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, darling.

This is my first roast,

and I have to say, I'm shocked.

Whew!
I've heard words here tonight

that I have never heard before,
like "Lil."

[ Laughter ]

And "Rel."

[ Laughter ]

Lil Rel, I'm glad you're here,

because I've been meaning
to apologize

for calling the police
about your barbecue.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis,
I'm so happy to see you.

Gosh, the last time
I saw your face,

I was shopping for movies
at the gas station.

[ Laughter ]

"Moonlighting" was considered
the first "dramedy" --

a mix of drama and comedy,

which is also a good way
to describe

Bruce's acting style.

[ Laughter ]

When he does comedy,
it seems like drama,

and when he does drama,
it's hilarious.

But Hollywood
wouldn't be Hollywood

if they didn't reward a man
for aging into mediocrity.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bruce went on to make 96 movies

using just one
facial expression.

[ Laughter ]

Ed Norton, I was so excited
to meet you.

I still think you should have
won the Academy Award

for playing a Neo-Nazi
in "American History X."

Yes.

[ Cheers and applause ]

If you had done
that movie today,

you would not only have
gotten an Oscar,

you would get a cabinet position
in the White House.

[ Laughter,
cheers and applause ]

I'm thrilled that I got to meet
Martha Stewart tonight.

I had the honor of playing
Martha in two separate movies.

I did my best, but the only one
to truly capture Martha Stewart

was the FBI.

[ Laughter ]

And then there's Dom Irrera

bringing his classic
Italian charm.

Two minutes after I met him,
he was hittin' on me.

I had to tell him, "Sorry,
the last time I had sex

with a 69-year-old, I was 18."

[ Laughter ]

And he owned the studio.

He didn't just live in one.

I ran into Nikki Glaser
in the ladies' room.

I saw her from behind, with her
slender body and blond hair,

and I thought,
"She must be a model."

Then she turned around,
and I thought,

"Nope, she's a comic."

[ Laughter ]

Our characters on "Moonlighting"
weren't much of a stretch.

I played a former model,
which I was.

And he played an asshole...

which he is.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce and I were really
attracted to each other,

but familiarity
can breed contempt,

so we didn't act on it.

Too bad.

Because based on how much
we ended up hating each other,

the sex would've
been incredible.

We actually came very close
one time to having sex.

But then he whipped it out,
started playing with it,

and ruined everything.

I'm talking about
your harmonica!

[ Laughter ]

Sadly, the stars
never aligned for us,

and it's never gonna happen now
for one obvious reason --

You are way too old for me.

[ Laughter ]

Sure, our relationship
was volatile

and sometimes explosive,

but in the end, it was
the perfect formula for success.

I know we haven't had
a conversation in 30 years,

but we'll always have
something more important --

residuals.

Good night.
Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

-I love you.
-Thank you so much.

Gordon-Levitt: All right.

He provided the comic relief
in "Get Out,"

but don't expect that tonight.

Please welcome Lil Rel.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Oh, shit.
What am I doing here?

I don't know any of these
old-ass white people up here.

[ Laughter ]

Along with the cast of
"Young and the Restless."

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Bruce, you've done movies
with other black comedians.

Why did you ask somebody who
ain't never did shit with you?

I don't get that.

You with Chris Tucker,
Tracy Morgan.

God damn, this is sad.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, you had a limo driver
in "Die Hard," Argyle,

and he's not even here and he --

I don't know what
the fuck he doin'.

He need this shit.

[ Laughter ]

You don't got Argyle here.
What the fuck?

Uh, it's funny to see, like,

Jeff Ross and Bruce Willis
up here.

Y'all two bald
white motherfuckers

look crazy as fuck.

Like, both of y'all look like

you're on two different stages
of cancer.

[ Audience groans ]

Y'all really do.

I'm sorry.
Look fucked up.

We got Dennis Rodman here,
which I don't wanna talk about,

'cause there's only
two brothers here.

But I respect Dennis Rodman.

I'm from Chicago.
You know what I mean?

He won three championship
with the Bulls.

[ Crowd cheering ]

I mean, he did a lot
of dope shit.

Man, he rebounded.

He -- He would take a three
every once in a while.

He'd kick the fuckin' referee.

He, like, jag off other players.

A lot of weird shit.

This motherfucker wore
a wedding dress

and was on the cover
of a magazine.

That shit is fuckin'
off the chain.

That's it.
I ain't got no jokes.

I just mentioned his fuckin'...

[ Laughs ]

Look, Bruce Willis is
a fuckin' legend, man.

You know, you had a famous line,
"Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker,"

which I think is one
of the greatest tag lines

in movie fuckin' history.

It really is.

Which is why, like,
I was happy when he gave me

"T-S-motherfuckin'-A."

That shit was motivated
from you for saying,

"Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker."

Yeah, and it was.

I want to just say this, man --
I'm a big fan of you.

I hope we do a movie someday.

I mean, I know you lookin'
for -- I mean, let's see.

1, 2, 3. You got to do one more
with another black dude.

Let it be me.

You already had Chris Tucker.

You did Tracy Morgan,
Argyle, Carl Winslow.

I don't know nobody real names,

only know their character
names and shit.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, look, we got to stop
with these "Die Hards," bro.

Like, this shit is getting
fuckin' weird.

It is. I'm confused
about which kid you got.

Like, the daughter
be missing in one,

and then the son
be missing in one.

We never see your kids
to-fuckin'-gether.

Honestly, you should change
your name to John McClane.

You know what I mean?
Like, I'm fuckin' confused.

How many fuckin' kids you got?

So look, this is what I suggest.

Next "Die Hard,"
you put me in it.

I'll play your son, all right?

[ Laughter ]

You adopted me from Africa.

I'm really pitching this shit.
I hope y'all listenin'.

There's agents in here.

You adopt me from Africa,

and we go to the West Side
of Chicago, right,

and we fight crime together.

And you shoot me by mistake,

and that starts the whole
"Die Hard" franchise.

We'll never have to see
that shit again,

'cause John McClane is in jail

for shooting an innocent
black man that he adopted.

[ Laughs ]

But seriously, Bruce Willis,
thank you for having me, man.

You are so -- I don't know.

You like -- I don't want
to call you, like --

like, my idol,
but you kind of are, brother.

Like, you made
some movies that --

that made all of us
want to be in movies and shit.

So thank you so much
for having me, man.

I'm proud of you, man.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Coming up, Martha Stewart...

Hurray.

...Edward Norton.

Bruce, you know that I know
a lot of things

that you don't want me to know.

When the Comedy Central Roast
of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

All right!

I am a huge fan
of our next roaster.

Edward Norton,
ladies and gentlemen.

[ Cheers and applause ]Yes.

He's fantastic in movies
like "Primal Fear,"

"Fight Club," "Birdman,"

and who could forget
Edward Norton

as the Incredible Hulk?

"The Avengers" franchise,
that's who.

[ Laughter ]

Well, let's give Edward Norton
a round of applause.

I know Mark Ruffalo
does every night.

Please welcome Edward Norton.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you.

Bruce, uh, slumming it here
on your behalf at Comedy Central

is, um, not something
I would do for many people.

But, um, I owe you big,

and you know what
I'm talking about,

but I would say
this puts us totally square.

In fact, I think probably it's
back on you after tonight, yeah?

Okay.

It is, uh, a pleasure to be here

to stick a fork in my pal
Bruce Willis.

Um, I'm not really a --

like, a niche takedown comic
like Jeff Ross or --

or a three-name suck-up like
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but...

I'm here to do something
I think maybe only I can do

as someone who has made a career
out of character analysis.

I am here to do
a deep dissection

of how the fucking bartender
from New Jersey

became such a big titty
of a global movie star.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Because I feel -- I feel
if I had not distracted myself

with obsession on the likes
of De Niro and Hoffman

and Daniel Day-Lewis...

...things might have been
very different.

I'm now coming to realize
in middle age, um,

if I had cracked the mystery
of how you became a movie star,

then maybe there still might be
time for me to be more like you.

I mean, if I --
if I end up settling

for three Academy Award nods
and the --

the respect of audiences
and critics

and my peers globally,
I'll -- I'll --

I'll find a way
to be happy about it.

But the cold truth of it --

the cold truth of it
is that good reviews

in The New Yorker
and Oscar nominations that --

that you lose to the fucking

Farmer's Insurance pitchman
J.K. Simmons...

[ Laughter ]

They don't --
Those things are great,

but they don't buy you
half of fucking Idaho, do they?

No, they do not.

They do not.

It's not that I'm jealous,
but, Jesus,

you get away with everything.

I mean, can I cock my eye
and say some cryptic shit

that literally not one person
in the room understands

and have everyone
laugh their asses off?

I cannot.

You think I'm --
You think I'm --

You're laughing 'cause you think
I'm making a joke.

I was sitting in a bar
with Bruce

and I asked him if he liked
the script I'd sent him,

and he says, "Try keeping
a marriage together

when 22 is still on the menu."

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck does that mean?

I mean, I know what it means,
but why say it to that?

I...

But I fell off my barstool
laughing.

I had no idea why.

I still don't know what
he thought of the script,

and we're done making the movie.

I don't think he's read it.

Can I act that weird
and have people love me?

I cannot.

Can I -- Can I say things like,

"The #MeToo movement is ruining
natural sexual dynamics,"

while I'm wearing a
"Make American Great Again" hat

and then go blow up
a helicopter of Mexican extras

dressed up
as Middle Eastern terrorists,

call that a twofer,

and still have a bunch
of liberal Hollywood executives

call my agent the next morning

and say they want to be
in the Edward Norton business?

I most definitely cannot.

I wish I was Teflon like you,
but, then again,

I do like my kids
not being embarrassed by me.

[ Laughter ]

But seriously, could I ever
leave a movie set

after my close-ups are done

and leave every one
of my co-stars

for the last 30 years
to act their scenes

looking at a C-stand
with a red "X" taped to it,

listening to the 60-year-old
script girl

reading the John McClane
lines to them

and still have directors like
Quentin Tarantino call me?

No, I act my fucking ass off.
Quentin never calls me.

You know what I wouldn't give
for the opportunity

to tell that prick,

"I'm gonna rewrite
this piece of shit tonight."

By the way -- By the way,
when Wes Anderson calls him --

He and I do "Moonrise Kingdom"
together, and this is true.

Everyone in the cast stayed
in a little house together.

We did our own costumes
and makeup.

We did our own hair,

and we went to set
in a van together to save money,

even Bill Murray,
but not Bruce fuckin' Willis.

[ Laughter ]

He rented the Carnegie Mansion
next door like a boss.

When Wes said, "Do you think
Bruce understands

that I really want this
to be like

a-a repertory theater troupe?"

I said, "Shut the fuck up,
you long-haired pussy.

That's a fuckin' movie star."

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's not fair.
It's not fair.

I got acclaim, but I --

I can't pull big-cock movie-star
power moves like him and say,

"Fuck the box office
and fuck streaming services.

I'm not making any more movies
unless they go straight to DVD."

[ Laughter ]

And keep that up for,
like, what, five years now?

No way. If I pulled that, my ass
would be out in the cold,

and they'd be calling
Joseph "Three Name" Levitt

for "Fight Club 2."

[ Laughter ]

I couldn't make "Hudson Hawk"
and literally work ever again

for a single day.

Never. No one else would've
survived that.

You thrived.

Why is this?
Why? Why?

We have to figure it out.

Was it your training?
No.

You didn't go to candy-ass
acting class for training.

You did mounds of cocaine
and tended bar

with your male ballerina pal
Steve Eads and...

[ Audience cheers ]

I mean, what -- what good is
acting school, anyway, you know?

I mean...

I think maybe --
maybe it's your name.

Bruce Willis.
It pops.

It's just an action hero.

Mine still makes people think
of Eddie Murphy

sodomizing Art Carney.

[ Laughter ]

I don't know. Maybe it's --
I try to challenge myself.

I look for roles that stretch me
and are different,

whereas you deliver consistently
the same performance.

And I mean, like, the same one
every fucking time.

Maybe it's the script.

I have to adopt
your relationship to the script.

I tried to be like you.

I did a big action movie called
"The Incredible Hulk."

You know what went wrong?
I wanted a better script.

I thought maybe we should try
to make one Marvel movie

that was at least as good
as the worst Chris Nolan movie,

but what the hell
was I thinking?

The last thing Bruce Willis
would demand is a better script.

I'm such an idiot.

[ Laughter ]

The script of his last three
films was crinkle your forehead,

say short, memorable quip,
no more than four words,

shoot the gun, duck,
repeat, the end.

It's a half a page long.

You could learn your lines in
the car on the way to the set.

You don't, but you could.

[ Laughter ]

He doesn't have time for lines.

He has to blow shit up.

I'm so stupid.

All my decisions
have been wrong.

I have to start
going for scripts

that are short and dumb,

full of grunts, easily dubbed
for the Bosnian market.

And then I could get a G-5,
a Caribbean island,

seven daughters
by three different women --

that I know of.

At the end of the day, though,
I've come to think, actually,

it might just be all
about your head --

your incredible bald head.

And, frankly, I --

I think it's 'cause
it closely resembles

a nicely shaped cock.

It's -- Look at it.
Look at it.

Turn sideways.

Look at it.

And like a nicely shaped penis,
nobody can stop looking at it.

It's totally hypnotic to men
and women alike.

You -- You have
a perfect dick-head.

And, uh, men and women
are both comfortable with it.

They think it's funny,
a little scary, a little sexy.

Just that is a rare thing.

It's a rare thing, and I know,
because I tried to emulate you

in "American History X."

I shaved my head.
I acted like a racist asshole.

And, um, it's probably
the closest any actor

has actually come
to being you in a film,

and I got nominated
for Best Actor.

But -- But the movie
made less money than you made

on the opening weekend
of "Nobody's Fool."

It's like...

You got to work
with Paul Newman,

and all I got was
my skinhead poster

in the bathrooms of the gay
clubs on Santa Monica Boulevard.

[ Laughter ]

I don't know.
I think I have to accept it.

I think I have to accept
I will never be

the global dickhead
powerhouse that you are.

No matter how good I am,
no matter how committed,

no matter how professional,

all those things take me further
from your standard of stardom.

There is nobody else
like you, damn it.

Nobody.
Um, joking aside...

I was doing a play
many years ago in New York,

and, um, I came home
one night after the show.

And there was a letter
in my apartment building

from the Four Seasons Hotel.

And I read it, and it was
one of the most thoughtful,

articulate letters
I got about this whole play.

And it was signed
"Bruce Willis."

And I immediately called
my friend Stewart and said,

"Fuck you.
It's a wind-up."

And, uh, he said, "I don't know
what you're talking about.

So, I called Bruce.

I said, "Did you really
write me this letter?"

He said, "Yeah."

So we had a beer, and, um,
he says, essentially,

"You're doing the kind of work
I want to be a part of,

and whatever you're doing,
if you can put me in the mix,

I'm in, sight unseen."

And, um, I didn't think
that would really stick.

And many years later,

when I wanted to make my own
film, real passion project --

it's hard to get
those things done --

he was the first person
I called.

And he said, "I told ya,
if you ever need me, I'm in."

And, uh, we just made
this movie together

and had a beautiful time.

And I wouldn't have gotten it
made with you.

Uh, and I'm really
deeply grateful for that.

Um, I love you.

Or maybe I'm very a good actor

and I'm just acting
when I say that.

You would...

[ Laughter,
cheers and applause ]

Yeah!

Um...

You wouldn't know
the difference,

and that's the reason
I love you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, buddy.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Thank you.

Fantastic.

Coming up, Martha Stewart...

I decided to come out here
and rekindle our friendship.

...and Dom Irrera,

when the Comedy Central Roast
of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

All right!

Sorry, I just have to say,

that was one of
the coolest things

that has to have happened
on TV recently.

That was -- That was amazing.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay.

Our next roaster
is Martha Stewart.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Martha worked her way
through college as a model,

posing for cigarette ads
and Michelangelo.

[ Laughter ]

She's the hostess
with the most-est indictments.

But her rap sheet
has an 800-thread count.

It's Martha Stewart,
ladies and gentlemen.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Indistinct rapping ]

♪♪

Wow.
What a night. Ha.

Thank you, Joseph.

I know something about
hosting parties,

so I want to congratulate you on
being the perfect host tonight.

You set the table,
faded into the background,

and let the interesting
people shine.

-Bravo.
-Thank you.

Thank you.

What a dais.

Dennis Rodman, where do I begin?

If you had told me back
in the '90s that Dennis Rodman

would be negotiating a
nuclear-arms agreement in 2018,

I would've said, "Dennis Rodman
is alive in 2018?"

[ Laughter ]

Local comedian Dom Irrera
is here.

Dom, I know your career
never really took off,

but if you just keep doing
what you've been doing,

I'm sure you'll eventually
be discovered

by your landlord two weeks
after your heart attack.

[ Laughter ]

And, Edward Norton,
I am a huge fan.

You are amazing.

Edward takes the craft
of acting very seriously.

He prepared to play
the Incredible Hulk

by spending 30 years
losing his temper

and turning into
a giant asshole.

[ Laughter ]

Nikki Glaser,
you have it all --

the name of a professional
porn star

and the body of
an amateur porn star.

[ Laughter ]

You know, I'm a big supporter
of the #MeToo movement,

but remember, Nikki,

"me too" shouldn't just be
what a guy says to his friend

when he tells him
he had sex with Nikki Glaser.

Noted.

Well, there are so many
celebrities here tonight.

We have men from movies,
women from TV, and Lil Rel from,

I'm guessing,
the California Raisins?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, and, now, the lovely
Cybill Shepherd is here.

I remember years ago,

when I heard there was going to
be a movie -- a TV movie --

about me, I thought,
"Oh, God, no,"

because they're always
so dreadful.

I was really nervous.

Well, you can imagine my relief

when I found out Cybill Shepherd
was going to play me.

I thought, "Cybill Shepherd?
Great.

No one will see it."

[ Laughter ]

Now, Cybill, isn't it
interesting that your career

basically ended after that role,

as if you'd offended someone,
someone with power,

someone with vast resources
and money.

Who could cook up such a plan?

Who could craft such a scheme?

It was me, bitch.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, hi, Bruce.

I have great respect
for our honoree,

Bruce Willis, our roastee,

probably because I've never seen

any of the movies
everybody's talking about.

[ Laughter ]

Unlike everyone here tonight,

I personally have a great
appreciation for Bruce's music.

I play it at all my parties
when it's late

and I want everyone
to leave immediately.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce and I are
actually neighbors.

We're in the same town, Bedford.

He has a wonderful house.

The interior design is amazing.

He wanted everything inside
to look mid-century modern,

except his new wife.

I remember when Bruce invited me
to their wedding.

He hand-delivered
the invitation,

and I told him,
"I'll catch the next one."

[ Laughter ]

But all jokes aside, Bruce,
I have to say that,

despite what everyone else
has said about you tonight,

I think you are a good neighbor,
a great actor,

and a very,
very solid fuck buddy.

[ Laughter ]

See you tomorrow.
Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Oh, darling, thank you.
Thanks for coming.

-Martha Stewart killed it.
-Hi, guys.

Coming up, Dom Irrera
and Dennis Rodman.

Bruce, I'm coming for ya, baby.
I'm coming for ya.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Our next presenter
is truly perspiring, Dom Irrera.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dom is so old,
he's not gonna get #MeToo'ed.

He's gonna get #YeToo'ed.

[ Laughter ]

Please welcome Dom Irrera.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Wow.

I never thought I'd be spending
a Saturday night thinking,

"Fuck, I hope
I can follow Martha Stewart."

[ Laughter ]

And it was really good
hearing Ed Norton

talk about himself so much.

I've never seen anybody
roast somebody else

and talk about themselves
with that kind of sincerity.

What an arrogant motherfucker
he is.

Jesus Christ.

[ Laughter ]

I'd like to beat the fuck
out of him.

[ Laughter ]

This skinny little prick,
I met him in the hall.

He fuckin' blew me off.

I never liked your work.
I never liked you.

And I got to tell you,
it's an honor to meet you.

[ Laughter ]

Man.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Kevin Pollak --
I love Kevin Pollak.

You are amazing.

Ladies, think about it.

If you were Kevin's wife,
you could fuck

a different celebrity
every night

while he watches and jerks off.

Just picture that little,
pathetic, little pool of jizz

on his Jewish stomach.

I can't say "Jew"
without "bastard" at the end.

It's killing me in this town.

It's fuckin' killing me
over here.

Edward Norton, Ed, hey, you did
a movie called "Primal Fear."

It was named after
the feeling he got

every time he banged
Courtney Love without a condom.

It's a true story,
ladies and gentlemen.

It this thing on?
Is this on?

Actually,
he dated Courtney Love,

but he never
became famous enough

for her to have him murdered.

[ Audience groans ]

Cybill Shepherd,
first of all, Cybill,

you did great coming up here.

You fuckin' --

Your acting abil--
I'm serious.

And it's an honor to meet you.

In her first film,
"Last Picture Show,"

Cybill had sex with the star,

the director, the producer,
and the writer.

Today, we call that
a "Me Four."

[ Laughter ]

Jeff Ross, good to see you.

I'm kidding.

[ Laughter ]

Look at your face.

What kind of God
would let that happen?

Jeff just bought a new house

and staffed it
with three personal chefs.

First two died of exhaustion.

[ Laughter ]

Lil Rel -- I've been sitting
next to Lil Rel all night.

I'm glad I met this guy.

This guy is finally getting
the recognition he deserves.

Yesterday, he walked
into a Starbucks,

and the manager yelled,
"Get Out."

[ Laughter ]

I got a million of them!

All right, okay, okay.

That's it with me roasting the
people I know and don't know.

Now I got to talk about you.

Congratulations
on the roast, man,

and Comedy Central roasts
only the best people, like you,

Donald Trump,
that guy from "Baywatch."

Bruce, I see you now, and I
see your beautiful daughters,

and I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.
I remember when we had nothing.

And we would go to your house
and take a bath together,

and we would --
we loved each other.

We would wash
each other's taints,

and I always made sure
that your taint was taut

before you went out.

Bruce wasn't even the best actor
in his house.

Demi Moore was.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You know, and it's funny.

I see you, and I see you
with your daughters,

and I see the love, and they're
such beautiful girls,

and I think about how
you never hear a father

brag about his daughter's
sexual prowess.

You know, they always brag
about, "My son's a buck.

He's a stud.

Freshman year of college,
he nailed everybody.

Boys, girls, dogs,
he didn't give a fuck."

You ever hear a father brag
about his daughter?

"You hear that up there?
Listen to that.

That's my daughter
taking on 10 guys.

Yeah, that's my baby.
That's our youngest.

She always loved cock.
The bigger, the better.

She always had men lined up
around the block.

Guys tag-teaming her
from behind,

high-fiving over
her jizz-filled back,

dropping loads in her ears.

She couldn't hear them.

What can I tell you, huh?

She's just like her mother,
that kid."

Thank you.
I love you.

-Should I do more?
-Oh, my God.

No, you're killing me.

-Thank you. I love you.
-I love you, too.

Oh, my God.

Coming up, Jeff Ross,
Dennis Rodman...

Little Kim wants you
to sign something.

I thought Lil' Kim
had big tits and black.

...and a special appearance
by Demi Moore.

Surprise!

When the Comedy Central Roast
of Bruce Willis continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

All right, our next roaster
is Dennis Rodman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

They call him "The Worm"

because he's always on
the sidewalk after it rains.

[ Laughter ]

You can see him
on "Celebrity Rehab"

or flying coach to North Korea.

Please welcome Dennis Rodman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Hi.
I'm Dennis Rodman.

I'm the only guy on this stage
has done some really cool shit.

Hey, Ed Norton.
What's up, man?

Edward goes by "Edward" and not
"Ed" because he is a real dick.

[ Laughter ]

Ed Norton was in three
of my favorite things --

"American History X,"

"Fight Club,"

and Salma Hayek.

[ Audience cheers ]

Martha Stewart,
I see you right there, baby.

The next time you go to jail,
please call me.

I will secure your release.

[ Laughter ]

And look at that guy over there,
Lil Rel.

Looking like fuckin'
David Ortiz bobblehead.

[ Laughter ]

Cybill, I see you
over there, baby.

I see you.

Cybill Shepherd --

It sounds like a disease
that you get

when you're fucking a sheep.

[ Laughter ]

Jeff Ross --

Jeff's dick is so small, it
looks like a hat for his nuts.

[ Laughter ]

People have been calling
Joseph a pussy all night.

If one more person calls
Joseph a pussy again,

I'm going to lick him
for 20 minutes.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Bruce Willis, the last time
I saw you was in the strip club.

-You remember that?
-I do.

Yes, yes, you do.

And, Nikki, you was great
on the stage, baby.

Thank you.

Bruce, you keep making
these fucking bombs.

But guess what.
So does Kim Jong-un.

But at least Kim is smart enough
not to release his.

[ Laughter ]

I'm out there saving the world.

You can't even save
Planet Hollywood.

Bruce came up with
this whole idea

about the Planet Hollywood,
you know?

He wanted to compete
with the Hard Rock.

That was a great fuckin' idea,
wasn't it?

So, anyway, he want all his
Hollywood friends to invest.

He put in hundreds
of thousands of dollars.

I put in a lot of damn money.

You owe me more money
than my fuckin' family.

[ Laughter ]

I'm not here to roast you.

I'm here to collect, honey.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bruce, you made a lot
of bad decisions in your life,

and that's coming from me.

[ Laughter ]

I broke my dick three times.

I fucked Madonna
without a condom.

I even married myself

and still somehow lost half
of my fuckin' money in divorce.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce, thank you very much
for inviting me to your roast.

It's amazing, man.
You know what?

You have done so much
for this industry, and you --

I always get emotional
and shit, right?

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm just --

Little hot,
little hot, little hot.

Little hot.
Little hot, guys.

It's just the light.

-It's the light.
-Go, Dennis!

But anyway, Bruce, you've done
so much for this industry,

especially for people like us,

as men, that we don't have
the opportunity

and the courage to face it
when we're wrong

and we make that bad decision,

but we have a beautiful family,

and your kids have to
stand by you.

Thank you for having me,
brother.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-You did great.
-I almost died.

That's great.
No, you did great.

That was tough.

All right, so listen.

We actually just got word that
a surprise guest has stopped by.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Demi Moore.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Whoo!

Thank you.

Surprise!

Thank you.

Are you surprised?

Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?

-Yes.
-Yes, I knew he would be.

I mean, even though I went over
everything yesterday,

I knew he'd forget.

[ Laughter ]

So, for those of you who don't
know me, I'm Demi Moore.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I was married to Bruce Willis

for the first three
"Die Hard" movies,

which makes sense,
because the last two sucked.

[ Laughter ]

After all these years,
I have to say, you know what?

You look good.

I mean, you still look the same
from the eyebrows up.

But we had some
great times together.

I mean, we shared a lot.

I had three beautiful,
amazing children.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Four if you count Bruce.

And then there's the dogs
and Ashton,

so it's like six, but you know.

I mean, and, of course,
you know, like, we did argue

over the kids' names,
and in the end, Bruce won.

That's how they got stuck
with "Willis."

[ Laughter ]

But I have to say, our daughters
are incredibly well-adjusted,

considering two of them
are half Bruce Willis.

[ Laughter ]

But let me just say,
he is a great father.

I mean, seriously.

I mean, every Christmas, right
after he would have the girls

go make him his special
coffee with "medicine,"

I mean, he would come down
the chimney

in the wife-beater T-shirt,

waving that gun, saying,
"Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers!"

Yeah!

And, man, I mean, that's what
he's always called them,

and they just -- they just love
his tag lines.

I mean, but what
you might not know --

Bruce is super --
I mean, really generous.

I mean, when our daughter
Rumer was a baby

and it was his turn
to change the diaper

in the middle of the night,
he'd lean over and whisper,

and he'd say,
"I'll give you $1,000 right now

if you change that diaper."

Of course, I wouldn't do it
because, well, the lawyer said,

"Don't worry.
We'll take care of it.

We'll get it in the end."

And Scout -- Scout asked me
not to say anything,

but just last week,
he offered her $1,000

to change hisdiaper.

I mean, you know,
some things never change.

They don't.

I mean, we were married --
let's see --

almost 12 years, and that's
like 84 in Bruce Willis years.

But I was there
for some special moments.

Like, groundbreaking.
When Bruce was --

He got his career-breaking
moment in "Pulp Fiction."

-Yeah.
-I mean, it was...

It seemed really odd
at the time.

I mean, he's big action star,
like, doing a little indie film,

but Bruce went over
to Harvey Weinstein's hotel,

and I don't know.

He came back swinging
that ball gag,

and, man, he said,
"I got the part."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, it's funny the things
we do for a part.

Like, I know that I have dyed
and cut and styled my hair

I can't tell you --
a million ways, but not Bruce.

I mean, that's his real hair.

And, ladies, let me tell you,
the carpets match the drapes.

[ Laughter, cheering ]

I mean, I'm not saying
he's bald down there.

I'm just saying whichever place
you look, it looks like a dick.

[ Laughter ]

You know, after our divorce,

he said that he considered
the end of our marriage

his biggest failure.

But, Bruce,
don't be so hard on yourself.

You have had
much bigger failures.

I mean, Planet Hollywood,
"Hudson Hawk,"

"Striking Distance."

Come on, campaigning
for Michael Dukakis.

I mean, turning down Clooney's
role in "Ocean's Eleven"

to focus on playing
the harmonica.

I mean...

I mean, I could go on, but they
said it's a two-hour show, so...

But you know what?

I look back over all the years
that we've had together.

We certainly had our ups
and downs, but I have to say,

those were some of
the best times of my life.

I just look at our marriage
like "The Sixth Sense."

You were dead the whole time.

[ Laughter ]

All kidding aside --

Truly, all kidding aside,
I'm really honored to be here.

You are someone
I truly care about.

You will always have
a special place in my heart.

I'm so grateful
that you're in my life

and our children's lives,

and no matter what,
you will always be family.

You've been a great friend,
a great father,

and easily one
of my top three husbands.

[ Laughter,
cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

Good night.

Oh, baby.

-Was that all right?
-Oh, terrific.

It was fucking great.

Hi, Kevin Pollak.

Oh, my God.

Coming up, Jeff Ross...

Me roast you long time,
motherfucker!

...and Bruce Willis.

He's a brave man
or he needs the money.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Our next roaster is the
Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

[ Cheers and applause ]

He's done
14 Comedy Central roasts,

because if you do 15,
you get a free pizza.

[ Laughter ]

Jeff will be on the season
premiere of "Roast Battle"

after this broadcast,
so if you want to see

how much fatter he gets by then,
check it out.

Please welcome Jeff Ross!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Happy roast, everyone.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Look at this beautiful crowd.

Tonight, we honor the reason
the world has a Vin Diesel.

Bruce is a real man's man.

He told me numerous times
not to hold back tonight,

and it's been great getting to
know you and your lovely family,

and I see --
I met Rumer, your daughter.

Hi, Rumer.

I guess that's the name
your mom gives you

when she's not 100% sure
who your father is.

[ Laughter ]

Get a shot of that whole table.

It's the beautiful circle
of life, Bruce.

Your family looks like all
the villains you killed off

in the "Die Hard" movies.

[ Laughter ]

What a legend.

Bruce Willis has been
fighting terrorists

since before they were Arab.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis is pro-gun,
pro-flag, and Propecia.

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis, you love
your country so much,

he once said that
if the people wanted it,

he might even run
for president someday.

I'd make fun of you for having
political aspirations,

but the last time I did that,

the fucker actually
became president.

[ Laughter ]

All night, people are saying
I look like you,

but Cybill Shepherd looks like
Bruce Jenner-Willis.

[ Audience groans ]

And Lil Rel --

Lil Rel looks like Bruce
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

[ Laughter ]

Bruce Willis, you, my friend,
are a total original.

How is it possible to look like
a Nazi and a Holocaust victim?

You look like
Sir Patrick Stewart

if he operated a Ferris wheel.

[ Laughter ]

How the fuck
are you a movie star?

You look like a bouncer
at a nursing home.

You're like Elmer Fudd
if he hunted bad scripts

instead of wascally wabbits.

[ Laughter ]

This fucking guy.

Bruce Willis wants an Oscar
so fucking bad,

he's slowly morphing into one.

[ Laughter ]

It's crazy.

He went from being
Hollywood's leading man

to Demi Moore looking at you
and saying, "You know what?

I'd rather fuck the dumb guy
from "Dude, Where's My Car?"

[ Laughter ]

But, Bruce, we all wish you luck
with your lawsuit

against the Blue Man Group.

[ Laughter ]

This is so much fun.
I mean, Bruce is such a star.

You've been in some of the most
iconic scenes in cinema history.

My favorite scene
in "Pulp Fiction"

when you saved the guy
from getting fucked in the ass.

Hey, Dennis, at that point
in the movie, were you like,

"Wait, who's the bad guy again?"

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck?

Of course, your most recent film
was a big bomb.

"Death Wish" --
what a fuckin' stinker, Bruce.

You looked like you did
your own stunts

and your own lighting,
editing, and directing.

[ Laughter ]

Whew!

How about a hand
for tonight's host,

Joseph "Boredom" Levitt.

[ Cheers and applause ]

JGL!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt --

the only three words more boring
than gluten-free cracker.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks for dressing up, Joseph.

You look like a lesbian
on the way to prom.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

Joseph starred in
"3rd Rock from the Sun,"

and Dennis Rodman smoked
three rocks in front of his son.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, why not?

Give it up for our next
Secretary of State,

my man Dennis Rodman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You think Kim Jong-un
is a nice guy,

and he thinks
you're Scottie Pippen.

[ Laughter, applause ]

My pal Lil Rel is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So happy for you, buddy.
So happy.

Congrats on all your success
and your newest film,

"Angry Birds 2."

Good to see
you're not selling out.

[ Laughter ]

What do you play, Jim Crow?

[ Audience groans ]

Great to see Cybill Shepherd
again.

And just like most shepherds,

Cybill hasn't worked much
in the last two centuries.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

Cybill had an affair with Elvis.
How cool, man.

Years after their affair,

Cybill revealed
that Elvis went down on you.

Is that true?
Yeah.

All right.

Hell yeah!

Wow.

You'd think a hound dog would
have a better sense of smell.

[ Audience groans ]

Oh, my God!

And speaking of moonlighting,

Dom Irrera had to cancel
two shifts at Macaroni Grill

to be here.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Dom Irrera is what you look like
right before you say,

"Tomorrow, I'm starting
a juice cleanse."

True.
That's right.

Kevin Pollak, I love you, man,

but that Christopher Walken
impression is so old,

Ashton Kutcher tried
to marry it.

[ Laughter ]

Love you, Kevin.
Sit tight.

You're gonna be big
whenever Paul Giamatti dies.

-Bruce.
-Yes?

You've accomplished
so much, buddy,

but I think it will always be
your blockbuster "Armageddon"

that serves as the greatest
metaphor for your career,

because in the end,
you got destroyed by The Rock.

Us Jersey boys are raised
to have thick skin,

so I knew you'd be
a great sport tonight,

and I wish you continued
success, good health,

and I can't wait
to see your next project --

"Die Hard 6: Natural Causes."

[ Laughter,
cheers and applause ]

[ Laughs ]
Oh, baby.

-Love you, buddy.
-That was -- Love you, too.

-Oh, God. Unbelievable.
-So fun.

-Knock 'em dead over there.
-So much fun.

Jeff Ross
just fucking destroyed.

Coming up, Bruce Willis
with a vengeance.

Willis:
People are gonna be crying.

They're gonna be laughing.

Apparently, they're gonna
let people drink.

Do you think that's
gonna be a problem?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Give it up for the unbreakable,
unmistakable,

rippin-est, rockin-est
the Hudson Hawken-est.

He's the man of the hour,

from the Nakatomi Tower,
Bruce Willis!

♪ If you don't
respect yourself ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good
ca-hoot, na-na-na oh ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Willis: Whoo!

Come out to the roast.

We'll get together
and have a few laughs.

If you're fan of
Bruce Willis movies,

and I know that you are...

then you know how this works.

I get the shit beat out of me
for about an hour and a half,

and then at the end, I come back
and whip everybody's ass.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Out!

So, buckle up, bitches!

This is ass-whuppin' time!

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's what I'm talking about.

You know, in my action movies,

there's always some young punk
trying to come at me,

and tonight,
it's Judas Gordon-Levitt.

Joe, I took you under my wing,
tried to make you tough,

tried to make you
an action star,

which ain't easy to do
with a kid

who looks like the bad boy
of figure skating.

[ Laughter ]

Joseph played a younger me
in "Looper."

Couldn't pull it off.

[ Laughter ]

There's only one actor
who successfully played me.

It was Demi Moore.

[ Laughter ]

And she made a lot more money
than you did, sweetheart.

Jeff Ross, how many of these
roasts have you done?

Plenty.

You'll never get successful
doing the same thing

over and over and over, Jeff.

I mean, I did, but you can't.

[ Laughter ]

I'll tell you who's a badass
up here,

and that is
my buddy Edward Norton.

Get the fuck up here!

"Fight Club" was the perfect
movie for you.

Who doesn't want to watch
Ed Norton

get punched in the face
for about 90 minutes?

I love you, Ed.
I do.

But you do have a rep
in this town for being...

you know, hard to work with.

Norton's rubbed more people
the wrong way

than Harvey Weinstein.

[ Laughter ]

Sorry.

But you were great
in "The Italian Job."

[ Audience cheers ]

An Italian job is also when you
titty fuck Dom Irrera.

[ Laughter ]

Lil Rel.
Saw you in "Get Out."

Man, I love that movie.

If you haven't seen it,
it's about how black people

are really rude house guests.

[ Laughter ]

And now I want to take on
the toughest person up here --

my friend ex-con Martha Stewart.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, baby.

If anyone can survive in prison,

it's someone
who can toss a salad.

[ Audience cheers ]

That's right.

Martha's a real
corporate kingpin.

She even has her own brand
of wine.

It's like her boyfriend.
It comes in an old box.

[ Laughter ]

Martha is also a humanitarian.

When she heard about the kids at
the border living in tiny cages,

she sent them sewing machines.

[ Laughter ]

What's wrong with that?

Kevin Pollak,
welcome to the party, pal.

You owe your whole career
to the guys you impersonate.

You've made more money doing
Schwarzenegger than his maid.

[ Laughter ]

And not to mention, you're
better at cleaning houses.

Nikki Glaser, I am a big fan.

You and Vince Vaughn were great
in "Wedding Crashers."

[ Laughter ]

I see it!

-I see it.
-I'm sorry.

You know, Cybill Shepherd,
my oldest friend.

There's people
I've known longer,

but you are my oldest friend.

When I got cast
in "Moonlighting,"

they picked me
over 3,000 other actors

because they wanted someone

who didn't have
a sexual history with Cybill.

[ Laughter ]

It's so great to be back on TV
with you, honey,

in another show starring me.

[ Laughter ]

I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

And finally, it's so great

to have the esteemed diplomat
Dennis Rodman here.

-Whoo!
-Oh, shit.

I don't want to say Dennis
is a bad negotiator,

but he thinks a shoe deal

is when you get two
at the same time.

[ Laughter ]

Dennis, how do you
and Kim Jong-un communicate

when neither of you
speak English?

Dennis, I know you think

it's a big deal
that you saved the world,

but it's not as much
as it's made up to be.

Who cares?
I've saved the world 18 times.

Nothing can keep me down.

I've been attacked
by terrorists, asteroids,

film critics, music critics,
restaurant critics,

divorce lawyers,
male-pattern baldness,

and none of it --
none of it stopped me

because I am still
Bruce Fuckin' Willis.

[ Cheers and applause ]

People ask me why
I did this roast.

Was it because one of
the last guys who did it

became president?

Hell no.

Why would I want to be president

when I can just keep being
Bruce Fuckin' Willis?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Huh?
Yeah?

I did this roast for one reason
and for one reason only --

to settle something
once and for all.

Now, please,
listen very carefully.

"Die Hard" is not
a Christmas movie!

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's a goddamn
Bruce Willis movie.

So, yippee ki-yay
to all of you motherfuckers.

Good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ "Respect Yourself" plays ]

♪♪

[ Harmonica playing ]

♪♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you don't
respect yourself ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
give a good ca-hoot ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Yippee ki-yay,
motherfucker!

My favorite joke of the night
was Jeff Ross,

that you have a lawsuit going
with the Blue Man Group.

-She looks great.
-Yeah.

Ross: I had no idea Demi Moore

would ever come out
at his roast.

And she was hilarious, to boot.

And she looks great.

So hopefully she'll be
at the after party.

I think I got a shot.

I thought something was gonna
dislocate my jaw

'cause I was
laughing so hard.

It was going like this.
I was like [Grunts]

"I don't think I can
pull it down anymore."