All language subtitles for UnHung Hero [2013][eng subs] Brian Spitz

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

AND IT'S NOT SORE OR...?

IT DOESN'T, LIKE,
LEAK OR ANYTHING?

NO. NO.

OKAY.

OKAY, AND IS THIS 50

MILLILITERS?

THAT'S 50 MILLI-- SO, THAT'S
HOW MUCH WILL BE IN --

OKAY, UH... [ SIGHS ]

OKAY. OKAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MY NAME'S PATRICK MOOTE.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, AND

APPARENTLY I HAVE A SMALL PENIS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WAS SMALL

BECAUSE NO ONE HAD EVER TOLD ME

THAT UNTIL I PROPOSED TO MY

GIRLFRIEND AND SHE
SAID NO BECAUSE OF IT.

YOU KNOW THOSE "KISS CAMS"

THEY HAVE AT SPORTING EVENTS?

YEAH, I'M SURE
YOU'VE SEEN THEM.

WELL, THEY HAD ONE AT UCLA, AND

YOU PROBABLY WILL CRINGE
WATCHING THIS, BUT TAKE A GOOD

LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TWO
DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WAIT A MINUTE!

THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE
MORE THAN A KISS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO. THIS -- [ CROWD MURMURING ]

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

"YES" IS THE ANSWER!

YES!

[ CROWD OHHs ]

OH, MY GOD.

SHE WENT RUNNING!

SOMETIMES WE GET A
LITTLE CAMERA-SHY.

I UNDERSTAND. IT HAPPENS.

OHH, PAINFUL.

CLEARLY NOT THE RESPONSE
THAT HE WAS EXPECTING.

VIDEO OF A PROPOSAL GONE
WRONG HIT YouTube ON MONDAY.

¶ HEY I JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHY YOU SAID NO.

LIKE, THAT'S COLD-BLOODED.

I THINK SHE JUST WAS SO,

LIKE, SHOCKED AND EMBARRASSED.

THE GUY IS JUST
LEFT THERE IN SHAME.

WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH YOU?!

A REALLY EMBARRASSING MOMENT

FOR A UCLA BASKETBALL FAN.

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

YOU MUST FEEL LIKE
A REAL ASS, MAN.

[ CROWD OHHs ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AW!

WHO DO YOU FEEL SORRY
FOR HERE -- HER OR HIM?

IT'S SO UGLY.

I MEAN, I FEEL BAD FOR BOTH

OF THEM 'CAUSE SHE PROBABLY WAS

SHOCKED AND DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO IN THE MOMENT.

I THINK IT GOES DEEPER THAN

THAT, MUCH DEEPER THAN THAT.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT
SIZE MATTERS THAT MUCH.

IN FACT, I DON'T THINK THAT
SIZE MATTERS THAT MUCH.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU COULD SAY

NO TO A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL
BECAUSE OF...THAT.

I THINK THAT THE MEN OF THE

WORLD DESERVE AN ANSWER TO THIS

QUESTION, AND SO I'M GONNA FIND

IT [BREATHES DEEPLY]
WITH THIS COCK-UMENTARY.

¶ HEY HEY!

OVER 50% OF THE WORLD'S MALE

POPULATION FEELS
INADEQUATELY HUNG.

THAT MEANS THAT ALMOST TWO

BILLION MEN WORLDWIDE THINK THAT

THEIR PENIS IS TOO SMALL.

PUT IT IN.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

IT IS IN.

BUT WITH SO MANY SIZE

STATISTICS OUT THERE,
WHERE DO I FIT IN?

THE SCHOOL PUT THE SIZES OF

ALL OUR PENISES UP ON A BIG

CHART IN THE SCHOOL HALLWAY!

OUR WHOLE LIVES, WE'VE BEEN

FED THE IDEA THAT
BIGGER IS BETTER.

SO, I'VE ASKED A COUPLE BUDDIES

TO HELP ME MAKE A FILM TO ANSWER

THE QUESTION, "AM I TOO SMALL?"

[ GASPS ]

[ Chuckling ] I'M REALLY SORRY.

I WAS IN THE POOL!

I WAS IN THE POOL!

I GOT TO GET OUT AND SEE WHAT

REAL PEOPLE THINK
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

WHEN I SAW THAT AND YOU TO

GET DENIED LIKE THAT --
ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC -- IS

ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

YEAH, I KNOW. THAT'S HARD.

THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING, MAN.

SHE TOLD ME THAT ONE OF THE

MAIN REASONS THAT SHE DIDN'T

THINK THAT WE WERE RIGHT FOR

EACH WAS BECAUSE MY PENIS WAS A

LITTLE TOO SMALL FOR HER.

I THINK THAT SEX IS A
VERY IMPORTANT PART OF A

RELATIONSHIP.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO
COMMITMENT YOURSELF TO ONE

PERSON, LIKE, THEY BETTER
BE ABLE TO MAKE YOU COME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW IT FEELS -- IF IT'S

TINY -- YOU KNOW, AT TIMES, IF

IT'S TINY, YOU CAN'T
FEEL IT TOO MUCH.

IF IT'S BIGGER, YOU
LIKE FEEL IT, YOU KNOW?

YOU GUYS COMFORTABLE
WITH YOUR -- OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

VERY MUCH?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SITUATION

WHERE MAYBE YOU'RE TOO BIG?

YES.

REALLY? WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?

IT SUCKED 'CAUSE SHE CRIED.

SHE CRIED?

YEAH.

OH, HONEY, PLEASE.

IT'S NOT THE OCEAN
IN THE MOTION.

IT'S ABOUT HOW YOU WORK IT.

OKAY.

AND LOOK AT YOUR LIPS.

COME ON. OH, PLEASE!

HELLO? PRETTY.

I KNOW.

WHO WOULD NOT DO THIS?

IF I WEREN'T MARRIED,
I WOULD DO HIM.

COULD YOU LOVE SOMEONE WHO

HAD, LIKE, NO PENIS AT ALL?

YOU MEAN LIKE A VAGINA?

WELL -- [ CHUCKLES ]

THERE'S SOME PILLS, I THINK...
REALLY?

...THAT HELPS IT GROW.

IT'S CALLED, LIKE -- [ LAUGHS ]

WHAT'S THEM PILLS CALLED?

[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

YEAH.

WHAT'S IT CALLED?

EXTENZE.

OKAY. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I THINK I'VE HEARD OF THAT.

YEAH. IT COULD HELP YOU.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

I'M HEADING HOME TO SEATTLE

TO SEE WHAT MY FRIENDS
AND FAMILY THINK.

YOU KNOW, I JUST GO TALK TO SOME

OF THEM AND TELL THEM WHAT
HAPPENED AND, YOU KNOW, JUST

PROVE TO EVERYONE THAT
THIS ISN'T A PROBLEM.

I GREW UP ON WHIDBEY
ISLAND, POPULATION 58,000.

I WAS RAISED ON A SMALL FARM

ALONG WITH MY BROTHER, BRIAN,
AND MY LOVING PARENTS.

THEN MY BROTHER AND I RAN OFF TO

L.A. TO BECOME COMEDIANS, BUT

I'M MORE THE SERIOUS ACTOR.

DARREN!

SORRY, BRO.

THIS IS MY HOME.

LET'S SEE IF MOM'S HERE.

[ DOG BARKING ]

HELLO? HEY, QUIET.

QUIET, YOU GUYS.

PATTY.

HI, MOM.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO.

I THINK THAT'S MY SWEATSHIRT.

IT IS. YOU SHRUNK IT.

NOW IT'S MINE.

NOW IT'S HERS.

THIS IS EVERYBODY.

HI, EVERYBODY.

OKAY, YOU CAN GRAB HAY AND
THROW IT IN THE BACK.

THAT'S LEXIE.

LEXIE. OH, EASY NOW!

WHOA, LOOK AT HOW BIG
ITS MOUTH OPENED.

AH!

SO, THIS PROPOSAL
-- MM-HMM.

IT WAS FILMED?

UH-OH.

AND IT DID END
UP ON THE INTERNET.

OH.

SHE WASN'T SUPER
THRILLED ABOUT IT.

WELL, I WOULD ASK WHAT SHE

SAID, BUT I PROBABLY
DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

SHE SAID THAT -- OH, GOD,

THIS IS SO WEIRD -- UM,
THAT MY PENIS IS TOO SMALL.

AH!

SHE SAID THAT TO YOU?

YEAH.

OHH. OUCH.

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT WHO
YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS.

RIGHT.

NOT WHO I THOUGHT SHE WAS.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY
CARED ABOUT HER.

MM.

OH, SWEETIE, THERE'S PLENTY OF

PEOPLE OUT -- THERE'S SOMEONE
OUT THERE... YEAH.

...THAT ISN'T GOING TO
RUN YOU DOWN LIKE THIS.

THAT'S JUST -- THAT'S -- [
SIGHS ] I'M SORRY, SWEETIE.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

I DON'T KNOW,
LIKE YEARBOOKS OR...

OH, THEY'RE IN THIS BOX.

ARE THEY?

YEAH.

AH! NICE.

RIGHT NEXT TO THE JOSE
CANSECO DREAM TEAM CARD.

THE JOSE CANSECO
DREAM -- LOOK AT THAT.

THAT'S A HOT CANSECO.

YEAH, IT IS.

HERE ARE THE YEARBOOKS.

SO FULL OF OPTIMISM.

HADN'T DISCOVERED YET
THAT MY PENIS WAS SMALL.

AND CONFIDENCE.

LOOK AT THAT FACE.

WOW.

PROM 2002.

THESE ARE ALL NOTES
FROM MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

I WONDER IF ANY OF THEM SAYS

ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR WIENER SIZE.

LET'S READ ONE.

"I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I AM

SO SORRY FOR THE WAY THAT I

OVERREACTED, AND I'M SORRY FOR

HURTING YOU WHEN I WALKED
DOWN THE ROAD WITH DEREK.

I WAS BEING A BAD GIRLFRIEND.

I'M SORRY A THOUSAND TIMES."

I THINK YOU NEED TO REALIZE

THAT IT WAS JUST THIS CHICK.

RIGHT.

AND SHE JUST KNEW THAT IT

WOULD HURT YOU, AND SHE WANTED

TO -- GIRLS DO THAT, MAN.

THEY'RE MEAN.

I -- YEAH.

AND DON'T JUST GET
WRAPPED UP IN IT...

I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

...'CAUSE YOU CAN LET THIS

KIND OF STUFF MAKE YOU CRAZY.

LIKE, SURE, MAYBE I'M

REALIZING THAT IT HIT A
SOFT SPOT BECAUSE, YES --

BECAUSE YOUR LITTLE, FLACCID
PENIS WAS A SOFT SPOT?

YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

I'M JOKING. SORRY. RIGHT.

SQUARED IT UP OVER YOUR RIGHT

FOOT, STRAIGHT UP,
FOLLOW THROUGH.

OH, MY GOD, THAT LOOKED
LIKE CHARLES BARKLEY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THERE WERE SEVERAL REASONS WHY

SHE THOUGHT WE SHOULDN'T GET

MARRIED, BUT ONE OF THEM WAS --

SHE SAID THAT MY, UH -- SHE SAID

THAT MY PENIS IS
TOO SMALL FOR HER.

[ Chuckling ] SHE SAID THAT?

YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ] UH...

DOES THAT HAVE ANY
BEARING ON HEREDITY?

I DON'T KNOW. DOES IT?

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, I GOT TO TELL
YOU I'M A SMALL HANGER.

RIGHT.

I PROBABLY WAS A LITTLE BIT

AMISS IN NOT TALKING IN MORE

DETAIL WITH YOU ABOUT ALL THESE

THINGS WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP.

IT WAS A RATHER EMBARRASSING
TOPIC TO TALK ABOUT.

IT STILL IS.

THERE'S A LOT OF SIMILARITIES
GOING ON HERE, I KNOW.

I SEE.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- WHEN

THE TIME COMES, I'M JUST SHOCKED

AT HOW ADEQUATE I DO BECOME.

WE'RE AT MY BUDDY AUBREY'S

HOUSE, HAVING A LITTLE BARBECUE.

GOT SOME FRIENDS FROM
OLD SCHOOL HANGING OUT.

SO, I SET UP A CAMERA WHERE
PEOPLE CAN TALK ABOUT ME,

CANDIDLY, YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY

REMEMBER ABOUT ME FROM HIGH

SCHOOL, ANY STORIES THAT
THEY HAVE, ANYTHING FUNNY.

I WANTED TO SET THIS UP, THOUGH,

SO THAT PEOPLE FELT A
LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF PEOPLE ARE GONNA

BE AS HONEST TO MY FACE.

PATRICK AND I HAD A -- HIS

FIRST EXPERIENCE IN THE BEDROOM.

I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH.

I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST MAKING

OUT, BUT APPARENTLY I
TOOK HIS VIRGINITY.

[ LAUGHS ]

SO...

OUR BUDDY ASKED ONE OF PAT'S

EX-GIRLFRIEND'S, YOU
KNOW, "HOW BIG IS PAT?"

YOU KNOW?

"IS PAT SMALL IN THE PANTS?

HOW BIG IS IT? HOW BIG IS IT?"

YOU KNOW, PUTTING-UP-HIS-HANDS
KIND OF THING.

AND SHE RAISED UP ONE HAND AND

THEN CLOSED IT DOWN
AND WENT LIKE THIS.

AND WE ALL DIED.

HE DEFINITELY CAN
TALK A GOOD GAME.

I THINK HE USES HIS COMEDY TO

COVER UP HIS INSECURITIES.

AND SO JASON SHIRE CAME UP

WITH THE TERM OF "PICKLE DICK."

"PATTY PICKLE DICK."

"PATTY WHACK PICKLE DICK."

AND IT JUST KIND OF STUCK WITH

HIM, AND IT GOT UNDER HIS
SKIN REALLY, REALLY BAD.

"WHAT'S UP, PICKLE?"

AND HE'D LIKE GIVE ME THIS
LIKE GLARE OR WHATEVER.

AND I WAS KIND OF LIKE,
"FUCK YOU," YOU KNOW?

LIKE, "IT'S YOUR NICKNAME."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

EVER SINCE THIS, LIKE, IT'S

NEVER -- YOU KNOW, IT'S NEVER

LEFT ME, THE FACT THAT, YOU

KNOW, I'VE HEARD ABOUT...
WHAT?

YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE SMALL.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

WHATEVER. I'M JUST SAYING.

I WASN'T SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT.

UH... OKAY.

AT 10, 11, YOU WERE WHAT WE

WOULD SAY IS A LITTLE BIT
ABOVE AVERAGE HEIGHT.

BY THE TIME YOU WERE 13 AND 14,

YOU WERE AVERAGE HEIGHT, AND
THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT.

YOU WOULD BE A GUY WHO WAS MAYBE

A LITTLE BIT MORE LATE THAN

AVERAGE TO START GOING
THROUGH PUBERTY.

MY SITUATION OCCURRED, AND I

BECAME VERY INSECURE ABOUT MY

BODY AND BECAME VERY KIND OF
INTERESTED IN WHERE THESE

INSECURITIES COME FROM IN MEN.

WHEN I WAS A KID AND YOU HAD

A P.E. CLASS, 40, 50 GUYS,

THEY'D GO INTO THE LOCKER ROOM,

EVERYBODY GETS NAKED, YOU PUT ON

YOUR JOCKSTRAP AND YOUR SHORTS

AND YOUR T-SHIRT, AND YOU
GO OUT AND DO P.E. CLASS.

THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE, YOU COME

BACK, YOU TAKE ALL THAT STUFF

OFF, YOU TAKE A SHOWER, PUT YOUR

CLOTHES ON, YOU
GO BACK TO CLASS.

NOW -- UNH-UNH.

A LOT OF KIDS DO NOT SEE A
LOT OF OTHER NAKED PEOPLE.

I NEVER DID.

I WOULD NEVER GET
NAKED IN GYM CLASS.

YEAH.

THE GUYS IN FOOTBALL AND THAT

KIND OF STUFF -- THEY'D EITHER

SHOWER IN THEIR SHORTS, OR
THEY'D GO HOME AND SHOWER.

I WOULD GO HOME AND SHOWER.

AND GUYS MY AGE
JUST GO, "WHAT?"

WHAT EFFECT DO YOU THINK THAT

NOT HAVING THAT EXPERIENCE AS A

YOUNG PERSON NOWADAYS
HAS ON THEM?

I THINK PEOPLE WORRY MORE,
ACTUALLY, I WOULD GUESS.

AND CERTAINLY IF YOU HAD HALF A

DOZEN WOMEN SAY SOMETHING TO YOU

AND THIS IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO

YOU, YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA GO

AFTER THE PENIS ENLARGERS.

SO, I THINK THE EASIEST WAY TO

GO ABOUT THIS TO KEEP THINGS

STRAIGHT -- BECAUSE I'M A LITTLE

DISORGANIZED AT TIMES -- IS TO

PUT EVERYTHING UP ON
MY BULLETIN BOARD.

EX-LADIES -- GIRLS THAT I'VE

DATED, PEOPLE THAT WOULD KNOW.

[ SIGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

HEY. UM...DO YOU --
DO YOU HAVE A SECOND?

RIGHT NOW?

YEAH, RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH?

I MEAN, YEAH, I WOULD
LIKE THE TRUTH.

YEAH, IT COULD BE BIGGER.

I MEAN, YEAH.

I COULD BE BIGGER?

THREE...?

LIKE A THREE? COME ON.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY

PISSED AT ME OR SOMETHING 'CAUSE

SCALE OF ONE TO 10 -- A THREE?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING
ABOUT MY MAYBE, LIKE, SIZE,

IN PARTICULAR, LIKE...?

WHAT?!

IF I WANT A REAL ANSWER, I

NEED A PROFESSIONAL OPINION.

NO MORE ANGRY GIRLFRIENDS.

THIS IS THE OFFICE OF DR.
JENNIFER BERMAN.

SHE'S ACTUALLY A REALLY
FAMOUS UROLOGIST.

IF EVER THERE WAS A PERSON WHO

COULD TELL ME KIND OF WHERE I

FIT, IN TERMS OF
SIZE, SHE'S THE ONE.

THE AVERAGE PENILE SIZE IS

ANYWHERE BETWEEN 4"
AND 6", ON STRETCH.

MM-HMM.

THAT'S NORMAL.

THE OTHER THING THAT MEN ARE

CONCERNED ABOUT IS
GIRTH, IS WIDTH.

WAS THAT SOMETHING THAT
SHE TALKED ABOUT OR...?

WE REALLY DIDN'T GET
INTO THE SPECIFICS.

'CAUSE IT COULD BE THAT SHE

COULDN'T COME UP WITH
ANYTHING BETTER TO SAY.

SHE MAY NOT HAVE REALIZED THAT

THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING YOU

COULD PROBABLY SAY IS THAT.

YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY BAD.

SO, I'LL EXAMINE YOU, AND

EITHER WAY, YOU NEED TO
GET BACK ON THE HORSE.

THE MORE YOU OBSESS, THE
MORE YOU FOCUS, THE MORE YOU

RUMINATE, YOU KNOW, THE NEXT

THING THAT'S GONNA BE HAPPENING

IS THAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TROUBLE GETTING AN ERECTION.

SO, LET'S EXAMINE.

I'LL BRING YOU BACK HERE.

HANG ON ONE SEC.

SO, YOU GUYS AREN'T GONNA BE IN

HERE WHEN THIS HAPPENS, ARE YOU?

NOPE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
LAUGH OR ANYTHING?

[ CHUCKLES ]

NO, I'M LAUGHING AT THEM IN

HERE, LIKE, GROOVING ON THIS.

OKAY, SO, GUYS, WE'RE GONNA HAVE

YOU GO OUT, AND THEN
I'LL EXAMINE YOU, OKAY?

COOL.

OKAY, SO, GO AHEAD AND --

WE CAN DO IT -- I MEAN, HOW

SHOULD -- WHAT'S EASIEST?

STANDING, MAYBE?

YEAH.

[ UNZIPPING ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I MEAN, IT'S BASICALLY OFFICIAL.

AS DR. BERMAN PUT IT, I AM THE

MALE EQUIVALENT OF A
GIRL WITH AN "A" CUP.

COME HERE. JUMP.

GOOD BOY.

WHAT DO YOU
THINK BOSS THINKS?

DOES BOSS FEEL YOUR PAIN?

HE FEELS IT. HE KNOWS.

HE'S GOT A TINY DICK, TOO.

I'VE SEEN IT.

PATHETIC.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THERE'S

ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO,
AND THAT IS... FIX IT.

MOST MEN WISH THEY COULD
HAVE A BIGGER PENIS.

BUT UNTIL RECENTLY, THERE WAS

LITTLE A MAN COULD DO TO IMPROVE

ON WHAT NATURE HAD GIVEN HIM.

I SAY GO LONG WITH EXTENZE!

AND WE SPEND ALMOST
$5 BILLION A YEAR ON

PENIS-ENHANCEMENT PRODUCTS.

THAT'S MORE THAN THE ENTIRE
BUDGET FOR THE RED CROSS.

ONE OF THESE HAS TO WORK FOR ME.

SO, WE'RE HEADED DOWN TO SAN
DIEGO, TO MEET DR. KAPLAN,

THE KING OF THE PENIS PUMPS.

THE LADIES WANT THE GUYS TO

HAVE A BIG PENIS, GUYS WANT TO

HAVE A BIG PENIS, AND THE GAY

GUYS WANT TO HAVE BIG PENISES.

EVERYBODY WANTS TO
HAVE A BIG PENIS.

THIS IS THE HOME OFFICE.

WOW.

THERE'S ALL THE
PUMPS WE HAVE HERE.

BUT WITH A PUMP, YOU'RE BRINGING

BLOOD FLOW INTO THE PENIS.

THE CAPILLARIES EXPAND AND

DILATE, BREAK DOWN AND
REBUILD LIKE BODYBUILDING.

MM-HMM.

THE MUSCLE TISSUE DOES

EXPAND, AND YOU DO GET
BIGGER PERMANENTLY.

YOU TRY TO GET YOUR PENIS
AS ERECT AS POSSIBLE.

PUT IT OVER THERE.

MM-HMM.

AND THEN YOUR PENIS WILL GET

HARD, AND THEN YOU PUMP UP.

AND AS YOUR PENIS GETS HARD --

AND THIS IS THE HAND PUMP.

YOU WANT THE PENIS TO LOOK

NATURAL AND CREATE AN ERECTION,

WHICH IS SLIGHTLY LARGER
THAN YOUR NATURAL ERECTION.

HOLD YOUR HAND OUT, AND WE'LL

SHOW YOU HOW WE CAN GET
A NICE SUCTION HERE.

LET'S TURN THIS WAY HERE.

YEAH, LET GO OF THIS HAND,
AND I THINK -- YEP.

WHOA.

SCIENCE.

YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S HOLDING A SUCTION.

NOW, LISTEN. LISTEN.

I'M GONNA PULL THIS OFF,
AND YOU'LL HEAR IT.

[ PUMP POPS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S A PRETTY
LARGE SNAP HERE.

WOMEN WITH INVERTED NIPPLES OR

EVEN SOME OF THE BODYBUILDERS

TYPICALLY -- SOMETIMES EVEN GAY

MEN -- TYPICALLY LIKE
NIPPLE CYLINDERS.

THESE ARE FOR -- I WAS

LOOKING AT THOSE, LIKE, "THAT IS

FOR THE TINIEST PENIS
IN THE WORLD."

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH. YEAH, I DON'T THINK.

THAT WOULD BE CLOSE TO THE

TINIEST PENIS IN THE WORLD.

BABY PENIS. I DON'T KNOW.

WE'RE GOING TO TURN ON THE
ELECTRIC PUMP... OKAY.

...SEE IF WE GET GET
A NICE SUCTION IN HERE.

GONNA PUT IT UP TO THE MAXIMUM.

UM...MY KEY'S IN.

ALL RIGHT.

THEN WE'LL PUT
THESE ON THE NIPPLES.

THERE WE GO! OH, MY -- GAH!

OH, MY GOD!

AH!

WOMEN WITH SMALL NIPPLES, A

LOT OF THE BODYBUILDERS WHO WORK

THEIR CHEST -- THEY WANT
THEIR NIPPLES TO STICK OUT.

IT SHOULD FEEL GOOD. ARE YOU?

FEELS OKAY.

YEAH.

SQUEEZE A LITTLE
JUICE OUT THERE.

YEAH, WHAT'S WITH THE JUICE?

I DON'T KNOW.

[ LAUGHS ]

ACTUALLY, THAT'S VERY COMMON.

OKAY, GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO.

NO PROBLEM.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

YOU'LL LIVE.

YEAH. NO. IT'S OKAY.

I'VE NEVER SEEN MY NIPPLES
BALLOON LIKE THAT BEFORE.

WELL, YOU'LL BE AMAZED WHEN

YOU PUT THE CYLINDER
ON YOUR PENIS.

IT'S GONNA BE --
I CAN IMAGINE.

B-BOOM!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S...
THERE WE GO.

STOCKROOM.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TOYS

OR...?

DO YOU GUYS HAVE, LIKE,
ENHANCEMENT KIND OF STUFF?

YEAH.

UM, LIKE, FOR YOUR PENIS?

YES.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T
MIND, LET'S JUST --

YEAH, YEAH, SURE.

THERE'S SOME STUFF UP HERE...
TEACH ME.

...THAT MIGHT WORK.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHOA.

SO, OKAY, I GUESS WHAT I

WOULD SAY, JUST AS FAR AS, LIKE,

MAKING YOUR PENIS LOOK BIGGER

AND A LITTLE BIT, YOU
KNOW, HARDER, LONGER...

RIGHT.

...COCK RINGS CAN BE
REALLY AWESOME FOR THAT.

IS THAT -- THIS
IS A COCK RING?

YEAH, THESE ARE THE NEOPRENE

ONES, WHICH IS KIND OF RAD
BECAUSE THEY STRETCH.

SO, IF YOU'VE NEVER USED
IT BEFORE -- MM-HMM.

HAVE YOU EVER USED IT BEFORE?

NO, NO, I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW THAT THEY HAD THOSE.

SO, THESE ARE THE PUMPS, AND

BASICALLY, YOU KNOW,
YOUR PENIS GOES IN HERE.

RIGHT.

AND THIS IS THE AIR TUBE AND

THE VALVE THAT
BASICALLY PUMPS IT.

OKAY.

WHAT ABOUT LIKE PILLS
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THOSE OR...?

I MEAN, I KNOW
THAT WE HAVE THEM.

I JUST -- I JUST KIND
OF BEGAN WORKING HERE.

OKAY.

SO, THIS IS MY --
YOU'RE NOT LIKE A "SEXPERT"

OR ANYTHING?

NO.

OKAY.

YEAH, THIS LOOKS
LIKE A GOOD START.

I'VE GOT MATERIAL.

COOL. RAD.

I HAVE SOME MONEY
HERE SOMEWHERE.

HI.

HI.

ARE YOU WITH THESE GUYS?

WITH -- NO, HUH-UNH.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THOSE GUYS ARE.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S NOTHING.

THAT'S A FUCKING CAMERA.

NO, IT'S NOT.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY STORE.

OKAY, I'M GOING.

I'M LEAVING. I'M LEAVING.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

WELL, I CAN TELL YOU A LITTLE

BIT OF WHY I WROTE MY BOOK.

MM-HMM.

I'M A TALL GUY.

RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED,

BUT I'M A BLACK GUY, AS WELL.

YEAH, THAT WAS
SOMETHING I NOTICED.

SO, THERE ARE CERTAIN

STEREOTYPES ABOUT BOTH
TALL GUYS AND BLACK GUYS.

MM-HMM.

AND GROWING UP -- 'CAUSE I AM

WHO I AM -- I ALWAYS THOUGHT

THAT I WAS ON THE SMALL SIDE.

MM-HMM.

I MEAN, I'M JUST BASICALLY

TRYING TO FIND A TECHNIQUE

THAT -- SOMETHING THAT'LL WORK.

WELL, I CAN TELL
YOU ABOUT JELQING.

OKAY.

IT'S BASED ON THE PREMISE

THAT YOU WILL CREATE MICRO-TEARS

IN THE INSIDE OF YOUR PENIS...
MM-HMM.

...SORT OF LIKE YOU DO WITH

MUSCLES WHEN YOU WORK OUT.

YOU TEAR THE INSIDE OF YOUR

MUSCLES, AND THEY GROW
BACK BIGGER AND STRONGER.

SO, CHOOSE A BALLOON THAT
BEST REPRESENTS YOUR SIZE.

MNH.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
SMALLER ONES, DO YOU?

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND THEN WHAT YOU DO IS YOU

CREATE A TIGHT HOLD ON IT.

MM-HMM.

AND THEN YOU SLIDE IT DOWN

THE EDGE, FORCING THE BLOOD INTO

THE TOP OF THE HEAD
AND THEN THROUGH.

FOR THE FIRST FIVE DAYS,
YOU DO IT 40 TIMES.

AND EVERY FIVE DAYS, YOU

BASICALLY ADD ANOTHER 40...
OKAY.

...UP UNTIL YOU GET TO 200.

OKAY.

AFTER NINE DAYS, I
INCREASED BY HALF AN INCH.

WOW.

YEAH, AND THEN -- NOT UNTIL

AFTER THREE MONTHS DID I
GET UP TO A FULL 1 3/4".

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, BEFORE I HAD A

PENIS ENLARGEMENT,
I WAS INSECURE.

MM-HMM.

I WAS HESITANT TO TAKE OFF MY

PANTS IN FRONT OF A WOMAN.

MM-HMM.

NOW I AM NOT.

SO, MY DAILY ROUTINE IS

PUMPING AND PILLS IN THE
MORNING AND JELQING AT NIGHT.

¶ OH, YEAH THE PENIS
IS JUST LIKE A MUSCLE.

IF I WORK IT OUT EVERY DAYS, THE

CELLS WILL BREAK DOWN AND
GROW TO A LARGER SIZE.

LAST OF THIS PACK.

PLENTY MORE TO GO.

AH.

EVERY DAY, I MEASURE MY PENIS

LENGTH, AND AFTER THE 15th DAY,

MY PENIS IS ALREADY AN 1/8"

LONGER.

THE INITIAL RESULTS ARE
PROMISING, BUT I CAN'T JUST SIT

AROUND, WAITING FOR THE PAYOFF.

I NEED SOME REAL PROFESSIONAL
ADVICE ABOUT PENIS SIZE.

[ Rapping ]
SIZE DON'T MATTER.

I PUT MY SIZE ON A PLATTER.

AND I CAN SHUT THAT UP, PUT A

DICK IN HER MOUTH, NO CHATTER.

BE QUIET.

I'M COMING TO START A RIOT.

I WANT TO FUCK YOUR GIRL.

YEAH, I GOT TO TRY IT,
FREESTYLE, OFF THE TOP.

YOU CAN'T FUCK WITH ME.

ALL DAY, SIZE DON'T MATTER.

COME FUCK WITH ME.

I PROPOSED TO A GIRL
THAT I WAS DATING.

SHE SAID THAT SHE COULDN'T MARRY

ME BECAUSE SHE SAID
MY PENIS WAS, LIKE...

TOO SMALL?

A LITTLE BIT.

OUCH!

RIGHT.

OUCH.

IT'S NOT, LIKE, BROKEN SMALL.

IT'S LIKE -- I MEAN,
IS IT BIGGER THAN

YOUR FINGERS?

YEAH!

THAT'S A STEP IN A
POSITIVE DIRECTION, RIGHT?

[ Chuckling ] AS LONG AS IT'S
BIGGER THAN YOUR FINGERS.

RIGHT.

WHOO!

IT'S A ROWDY COCK.

WHEN ANYBODY SAYS THAT SIZE

DOESN'T MATTER, THAT'S GUY WITH

SMALL DICKS THAT SAY THAT.

ALWAYS FOCUS ON THE CLIT.

FOCUS ON THE CLIT?

ALWAYS FOCUS ON THE CLIT.

LIKE, I'M SO USED TO GIVING,

LIKE, A NICE RHYTHM, THAT WHEN

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH LENGTH TO DO

THAT, MY RHYTHM IS OFF BIG TIME.

[ LAUGHS ]

IF YOU NEED TO COMPENSATE FOR

HAVING A SMALLER COCK, THE GIRL

LAYS DOWN ON THE BED, KIND OF IN

MISSIONARY, BUT LIKE
THIS, TO THE SIDE.

AND THE GUY -- YOU'RE LIKE

FUCKING MISSIONARY --
IT'S LIKE SIDEWAYS.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU
GIVE TO A GUY LIKE ME?

I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST

EXPERIMENT AND RESEARCH ALL THE

DIFFERENT TYPES OF FETISHES
THAT ARE AVAILABLE.

I HAVE A FOOT FETISH, AND I LIKE

GETTING FUCKED BY FEET.

SO, IF YOU REALLY LIKE SOMETHING

BIG, PUT A FOOT INSIDE OF YOUR

VAGINA AND SEE WHAT
THAT FEELS LIKE.

THE CAMERA HAS ONLY SO MUCH

SPACE IN WHICH WE CAN
SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING.

IF I GOT A GUY WHO'S NOT, YOU

KNOW, ABOVE AVERAGE, THEN IT'S

DIFFICULT FOR US TO SEE
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE.

WELL, IT DEPENDS
ON THE VAGINA, TOO.

EVEN THOUGH MY VAGINA IS
REALLY SMALL, IT'S ALSO VERY

STRETCHABLE, TO WHERE
IT DOESN'T HURT ME.

YOU DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE

A HOT DOG DOWN A HALLWAY.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

BUT, FOR EXAMPLE, TO
STIMULATE A WOMAN'S G-SPOT, YOU

ARE AT AN ADVANTAGE IF YOUR
PENIS IS SMALL BECAUSE THE

G-SPOT IS ABOUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE

2 1/2" INSIDE A WOMAN'S VAGINA.

SO, A LONG PENIS WILL
GO RIGHT PAST IT.

THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING
LONG IS YOU CAN PUT IN LESS.

NOW, IF YOU'RE THICK,
YOU'RE STUCK, YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T TELL A GIRL, "I'LL
MAKE IT THINNER FOR YOU.

DO YOU HAVE TO
HAVE A GIANT DICK?

A GOOD TONGUE
IS MORE IMPORTANT.

WHAT CHICK?

DO YOU HAVE A...?

RIGHT HERE.

AN EXTRA ONE OF THESE?

OH, MY GOD.

DO YOU, UH -- DO YOU
REMEMBER ME, FROM YOUR --

YEAH, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO TAKE PICTURES IN

THERE, AND THEN YOU'RE TALKING

TO ME ABOUT -- WHAT THE
FUCK WERE YOU DOING?

THAT GOT ME IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

WE'RE MAKING A DOCUMENTARY

ABOUT SIZE, AND I'M SORRY THAT

YOU GOT IN TROUBLE FOR THAT.

I REALLY AM.

I MEAN, HOW CAN WE
MAKE THIS GOOD?

HOW CAN WE MAKE THE CAMERAS

WORK IN YOUR FAVOR INSTEAD
OF -- PUT THIS ON.

THE DRESS?

LET EVERYBODY KNOW.

IF IT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY

AND BE ABLE TO BURY THE HATCHET

HERE, I WILL WEAR THAT DRESS.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

I'LL PUT MY HAIR UP LIKE YOURS,

I'LL GRAB THESE, AND I WILL WALK

AROUND IN THOSE HEELS, WHICH IS

DANGEROUS 'CAUSE I
HAVE VERY WEAK ANKLES.

SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW, I'D FEEL BAD IF...
ALL RIGHT. IT'S OKAY.

OKAY.

THANKS FOR APOLOGIZING.

IT TURNS OUT HER
NAME IS KASSIA.

SHE'S GOT A ROCK BAND, AND SHE'S

ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL, WHEN

YOU'RE NOT ALMOST
GETTING HER FIRED.

BUT AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE THIS

MOVIE TO BE ABOUT HER, RIGHT NOW

I NEED TO STAY
FOCUSED ON MY PENIS.

¶ HEY, HEY, HEY

¶ HEY, HEY

THE PORN STARTS TAUGHT ME I

HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT SEX,

AND SAN FRANCISCO IS THE MOST

SEXUALLY LIBERATED
CITY IN AMERICA.

I NEED TO GO TO A
PLACE LIKE THAT.

I THINK THIS
WILL BE GOOD, MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I LOOK LIKE A BIG, DUMB IDIOT.

PEOPLE AREN'T GONNA
TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

I'M A GIANT HOT DOG WEARING A

SIGN THAT SAYS "WIENER TALK?"

DO YOU THINK THAT SIZE
MATTERS TO WOMEN?

YEAH, YOU GOT TO
HAVE SOME GIRTH.

YOU GOT TO HAVE SOME GIRTH.

YOU GOT TO HAVE SOME GIRTH.

IF YOU GO TOO LONG -- THE CERVIX

IS ONLY SO LONG -- YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE DEEP, 8", POW, POW.

THEY SAY, "OW." IT'S OVER WITH.

DO YOU LIKE REALLY BIG
-- BIASED OPINION.

WOULD YOU BREAK UP WITH A GUY

IF HIS PENIS WAS TOO SMALL?

YEP.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SITUATION

WITH A GIRL WHERE YOU WERE
EITHER TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL?

I WAS TOO DRUNK ONCE -- WELL,

ACTUALLY, A LOT OF TIMES.

AH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHOO!

TELL ME WHEN TO STOP, WHEN

YOU THINK I'M AT WHAT'S AVERAGE.

THAT'S -- THAT'S AVERAGE.

THAT'S AVERAGE?

7 1/4".

DO YOU FEEL BETTER NAKED?

OH, YEAH, EVERYONE DOES.

REALLY?

YEAH.

WHAT IF I'M LIKE A LITTLE

SMALL, SO I FEEL A
LITTLE INSECURE?

NO, NO, NO, EVERYONE
SHOULD BE NAKED.

IS IT A DEALBREAKER?

LIKE, IF YOU WERE WITH
A GUY WHO -- NO.

WAS TOO SMALL?

NO, BUT I DO LIKE
A LARGE WIENER.

YOU DO?

WELL, THEN, LOOKS LIKE
WE'RE A PERFECT COUPLE.

I LIKE A BIG... IF A
GUY SAID THAT THERE WAS

SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, WOULD

YOU CHANGE THAT TO BE WITH HIM?

NO.

I WOULD SAY, "FUCK
YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!

I HAVE MY FUCKING
BACHELOR'S DEGREE!

I SUPPORT YOUR FUCKING ASS!

AND I'M NOT GONNA DO IT ANYMORE!

I AM NOT GONNA DO IT ANYMORE.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A
REALLY SPECIFIC --

GROW THE FUCK UP!

ARE YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE
IN PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

OH, MY GOD.

TOO BIG IS BAD.

NO, NO, NO, TOO BIG IS
BAD, TOO SMALL IS BAD.

AVERAGE?

AVERAGE IS PERFECT.

WHAT IF IT'S A
LITTLE BELOW AVERAGE?

BAD.

HELLO?

HELLO.

HI.

ROBERT LAWRENCE.

I'M PATRICK.

HELLO, PATRICK.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

THIS IS A
COMMUNITY SEX SPACE.

MM-HMM.

AND IT'S THE FIRST
LIKE IT IN THE NATION.

WOW.

I MEAN, THAT'S AWESOME.

AND WE PRODUCE VARIOUS
EVENTS, AS LONG AS THEY HAVE

SOME SORT OF INTEREST ABOUT
SEX OR GENDER IN THEM.

MM-HMM.

ALSO HARBOR SOMETHING CALLED

THE MASTURBATE-A-THON GIL TELLS.

WOW.

MASTURBATE-A-THON IS A GROUP

OF PEOPLE GETTING TOGETHER
IN A ROOM TO MASTURBATE.

OKAY.

AND THEY PAY MONEY TO DO SO,

AND THAT MONEY GOES TO
DESERVING NONPROFITS.

IN TERMS OF WHAT YOU GUYS DO,

PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING
GOES HERE, SEXUALLY?

NO, WE DON'T ALLOW PEOPLE TO

PISS ON PEOPLE IN THIS VENUE.

IT'S HARD ON THE FLOORS.

YEAH.

WE DON'T ALLOW OTHER BODY

FLUIDS THAT ARE FROM DOWN THERE,

LET'S SAY, MORE DISCREETLY, TO

BE PUT ON THE FLOORS OR TO BE

PUT ON PEOPLE BECAUSE OF
CONCERNS ABOUT SMELL AND

SANITATION.

HOW DO YOU THINK THAT SIZE

KIND OF PLAYS INTO AN
INDIVIDUAL'S KIND OF

PERSONALITY?

BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE LOTS OF

WOMEN WHO WOULD SAY, "OH, GOD.

THANK GOD HE ISN'T BIG."

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW?

OR "I PREFER A SMALLER ONE," OR,

"I REALLY LOVE ANAL SEX."

THE HUMAN ANATOMY WILL ALLOW YOU

TO PUT THAT ENTIRE
THING INSIDE SOMEBODY.

YOUR FIRST?

IT'S A WORKSHOP CALLED

FISTING, AND YOU CAN LEARN
HOW TO FIST PEOPLE.

OR YOU CAN USE MANY FINGERS.

YOU CAN SUPPLEMENT
USING YOUR FINGERS.

YOU CAN SLIDE FINGERS INTO

PEOPLE WHILE YOU'RE ENGAGED
IN INTERCOURSE, LIKE SO.

IF I WERE IN YOUR PANTS, SO TO

SPEAK, I WOULD SIMPLY SAY, "YOU

KNOW, I'M REALLY GOOD AT ANAL

SEX, I HAVE A SMALL DICK,
AND I LIKE TO LICK THINGS."

DO YOU THINK IT MATTERS
MORE FOR GUYS OR GIRLS?

I THINK IT MATTERS
MORE FOR GUYS.

YOU DO?

IN THE GAY WORLD, YEAH.

IN THE GAY WORLD?

A BIG DICK IS LIKE BIG TITS.

SWEET JESUS.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD?

[ DING! ]

HONESTLY, HAVING A LOT OF

"STRAIGHT" GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAVE

BOYFRIENDS, THEY ALWAYS COMPLAIN

HOW MEN DO NOT GO
DOWN ON THEM ENOUGH.

EAT IT.

EAT THAT PUSSY ALL NIGHT LONG.

IF YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS...
YES.

...TAKE A KNIFE TO YOUR

THROAT AND END IT ALL RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S GOOD ADVICE.

ROBERT LAWRENCE SUGGESTED
THAT I GO SEE ANNIE SPRINKLE.

SHE'S A FORMER PROSTITUTE AND

PORN STAR, NOT TO MENTION A

WORLD-FAMOUS SEXPERT AND AUTHOR.

SHE HAS SOME NEW-AGE SEXUAL

TECHNIQUES THAT COULD
DEFINITELY HELP ME.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
DOING YOUR RESEARCH?

WELL, I WAS A
PROSTITUTE FOR 20 YEARS.

OKAY.

AND THEN I GOT MY PhD IN

HUMAN SEXUALITY, SO
I'M A SEXOLOGIST.

AND NOW I'M DOING RESEARCH
IN ECO-SEXUALITY.

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD THINK
OF THE EARTH AS MOTHER.

WITH ECO-SEXUALS, WE
THINK EARTH IS LOVER.

MM-HMM.

SO, WE MAKE LOVE
THROUGH THE SENSES.

LAY DOWN ON THE EARTH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND JUST KIND OF LIKE...

YEAH, THINK OF THE
EARTH AS YOUR LOVER.

HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO.

HAH, HAH -- THE LOW
SOUNDS -- AH, AH, AH.

Both: AH, AH.

AND EEE, EEE!

AH! AH!

EEE!

YOU'RE A TANTRICA.

YOU ARE TRULY A SEX GURU.

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.

YOU ARE JUST... THIS IS
SO GREAT YOU'RE ON THIS

PATH 'CAUSE YOU'RE A
SEXUALLY GIFTED PERSON.

I CAN SEE THAT. YOU ARE.

THANK YOU.

YOU ARE.

I'M TAKING ANOTHER ONE
OF THESE -- EXTENZE.

IS THAT NEXIUM?

THIS?

YEAH.

IT'S EXTENZE.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S IT.

WHY YOU LAUGHING?

THAT IS THE
APPROPRIATE REACTION.

[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S OKAY.

IS IT REALLY?

YEAH, IT IS.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, THAT'S WHAT THE
DOCUMENTARY IS ABOUT.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY THE
AVERAGE SIZE IS FOR A MALE?

DURING? LIKE THAT?

ISH?

THAT'S DEPRESSING.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT.

UH-OH.

THANK YOU. I KNOW. I KNOW.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ PUMP SQUEAKING ]

IT'S IN THERE.

I MEAN, PROMISING,
POTENTIALLY?

HEY, DUDE, I DON'T KNOW.

PUT YOUR DICK IN A VACUUM TUBE

AND TELL ME HOW PROMISING
IT FEELS LIKE THINGS ARE.

IT LOOKS BIGGER RIGHT NOW,
BUT WHEN I TAKE IT OFF, IT

CONSTANTLY JUST GOES
BACK TO NORMAL.

[ SNIFFS ]

SURE, YES, IT'S PROMISING.

THIS WHOLE SITUATION
IS FULL OF PROMISE.

PUMPING, PILLS, AND JELQING?

IT SEEMS LIKE THE MORE I
TRY, THE LESS RESULTS I SEE.

PLUS, MY PENIS IS
EXHAUSTED RIGHT NOW.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

HI.

I WAS TRYING TO GET A LITTLE

INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT.

EXTENZE.

I'VE BEEN TAKING IT FOR ABOUT 30

DAYS AND NOT REALLY SEEING ANY

RESULTS OR CHANGES OR ANYTHING.

IT DOESN'T MAKE IT
GROW BY ANY MEANS?

WHY DID THEY -- WHY WAS I LED TO

BELIEVE THAT IT WOULD
MAKE IT GROW, THEN?

IT ACTUALLY SAYS, "THE MALE

ENHANCEMENT PILL THAT CAN MAKE

YOU LARGER," AND IT STAYS
"LARGER" IN BIG, RED LETTERS.

BUT THEY CHOOSE NOT TO
MARKET IT LIKE THAT.

THAT'S SUCH GARBAGE.

HERE ARE TWO VARIANTS.

THEY'RE NOT NECESSARILY SUPER

LONG BECAUSE THERE REALLY IS A

VARIANT OF WOMAN COMING IN TO

BUY A DILDO, GOING, "I DON'T
WANT IT TO BE TOO LONG.

THAT BOUNCES INTO MY
CERVIX -- NOT SO FUN."

SOME WOMEN LIKE THAT SENSATION.

MANY WOMEN DON'T LIKE IT.

THIS, FOR EXAMPLE -- A LITTLE

LONGER THAN THOSE -- HAS A

REALLY PRONOUNCED CORONAL RIDGE.

MM-HMM.

IF THERE'S A PRETTY
PRONOUNCED RIDGE THERE, THIS ALL

BY ITSELF IS SORT OF A PLEASURE

MAKER FOR SOME WOMEN,
PARTICULARLY FOR G-SPOT

STIMULATION.

YOU SAID THAT A LOT
OF MEN COME IN HERE NOW.

IS THIS KIND OF A
COMMON PROBLEM?

WE USED TO CARRY A SUCTION

PUMP, AND WE HAD TO ALWAYS WARN

GUYS AWAY FROM USING IT TOO MUCH

BECAUSE YOU CAN DO PERMANENT

DAMAGE TO YOUR PENIS
USING A PUMP.

NOT SO GOOD, REALLY CAN CAUSE

ACTUAL SCARRING
INSIDE THE PENIS.

SOME GUYS FIND THAT THEY, OVER

TIME, PUMP A LOT AND GET SOFTER

AND SOFTER AND SOFTER
ERECTIONS, WHICH IS PROBABLY

COUNTERINTUITIVE.

FOR STARTERS, THE PENIS
IS NOT A MUSCLE.

IT'S NOT?

NO. IT'S GOT SOME MUSCLES.

BUT IT ISN'T A MUSCLE.

I MEAN, WE CALL IT THE LOVE

MUSCLE, MUSCLE OF LOVE,
MUSCLE OF WHATEVER.

NO, IT'S NOT A MUSCLE.

RIGHT.

THERE WAS ANOTHER METHOD THAT WE

CAME ACROSS FOR ENLARGEMENT
THAT'S CALLED JELQING.

WHAT CONCERNS ME ABOUT THAT

KIND OF A PROCEDURE IS THAT IF

YOU PULL THE LIGAMENTS TOO MUCH,

YOU'D RUN SOME RISK OF A REBOUND

EFFECT, LIKE A "RUBBER
BAND COMING BACK" EFFECT.

SO, YOU'D STRETCH IT OUT, AND

YOU COULD POSSIBLY
SHRINK YOUR PENIS.

THAT WOULD BE MY CONCERN.

THAT WOULD BE AWFUL.

APPARENTLY, I'M NOT THE FIRST TO

FIND OUT THAT ENLARGEMENT
PRODUCTS CAN BE MISLEADING.

IN 2010, EXTENZE HAD TO PAY OUT

$6 MILLION IN A LAWSUIT
FOR FALSE ADVERTISING.

I'VE TRIED THE BEST METHODS
AVAILABLE IN THE U.S. --

PUMPING, PILLS, AND JELQING.

BUT THEY WERE ALL A TOTAL BUST.

BUT IT'S A BIG WORLD OUT THERE.

IT'S TIME I TAKE THIS
JOURNEY INTERNATIONAL.

PASSPORT.

THAT'S HOT STUFF.

MALARONE -- IT'S MALARIA PILLS.

ONE PIECE GOT TO HAVE --
HAWAIIAN SHIRT -- INDICATES

TO POSSIBLE THIEVES THAT I'M

TRAVELING AND PROBABLY
GOT MONEY ON ME.

MAN'S OBSESSION WITH HIS SCHLONG

HAS BEEN PRETTY WELL DOCUMENTED

THROUGHOUT HUMAN HISTORY.

THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS HAD A GOD,

OSIRIS, WITH A GOLDEN WIENER.

THE ANCIENT GREEKS HAD PRIAPUS,

A FERTILITY GOD WHOSE PENIS
WAS BIGGER THAN HIM.

THE 2,000-YEAR-OLD "KAMA SUTRA"

ILLUSTRATED HOW TO GET THE MOST

PLEASURE OUT OF YOUR PENIS.

AND IN KOMAKI, JAPAN, THEY'VE

HAD PENIS FESTIVALS FOR
THE LAST 1,500 YEARS.

IN 16th-CENTURY EUROPE, IT WAS

CONSIDERED COOL TO
DANGLE YOUR DONG.

BUT IT WAS IN 1948 WHEN THE

FATHER OF AMERICAN SEXOLOGY,

ALFRED KINSEY, PUBLISHED THE

FIRST COMPREHENSIVE
STUDY OF PENIS SIZE.

SINCE THEN, KINSEY'S PENIS-SIZE

STATISTICS HAVE
SET THE STANDARD.

BUT THE KINSEY REPORT WAS

SELF-REPORTING, WHICH MEANS THAT

MEN MEASURED THEIR OWN PENISES
AND SENT IN THEIR SIZE.

DO I THINK THAT THEY
WERE BEING HONEST?

PROBABLY NOT.

SO, WE'RE HEADING TO MALAYSIA TO

MEET A TRUE SIZE EXPERT, AN

INTERNATIONAL CONDOM MAKER
NAMED KLAUS RICHTER.

KLAUS.

OH, HI. YOU'RE PATRICK?

YES.

WELCOME TO OUR FACTORY.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

HAVE A HAT.

A HAT, A GIFT -- RICHTER
RUBBER TECHNOLOGIES.

HOW MANY CONDOMS
DO YOU MAKE A DAY?

A DAY, WE MAKE A MILLION.

A MILLION?

IT MEASURES THE VOLUME GOING

IN AND THE PRESSURE INSIDE.

MM-HMM.

AND SEE, THIS IS THE
STANDARD FORMAT, 55 BY 55.

SO, WHEN I BUY A CONDOM AT

THE STORE, THIS IS
THE SIZE THAT I GET.

DEPENDS.

IF YOU BUY IT IN THAILAND,
FOR EXAMPLE -- UH-HUH.

WESTERNERS HAVE BIG PROBLEMS

'CAUSE THE SIZES ARE
-- IT'S VERY CRAZY.

HOW BIG IS BELOW AVERAGE?

THEY SAY ASIAN CONDOMS NEED

TO BE 49 MILLIMETER, FLAT WIDTH.

AND ACTUALLY, IN GERMANY, WE

ALWAYS HAD A STANDARD
OF 51 OR 52.

AFRICAN SIZE, A LITTLE
BIT BIGGER, IS 53, 54.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE LENGTH?

OKAY, THE LENGTH OF A CONDOM

DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO
DO WITH THE PENIS SIZE.

BECAUSE THE CONDOM IS
DEFINITELY LONGER THAN THE USE.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

RIGHT?

WE ARE THE ONLY COMPANY
DEFINITELY WHO MAKE ALL SIZES.

SO, WE HAVE, ALTOGETHER AT THE

MOMENT, 55 DIFFERENT SIZES...
55 DIFFERENT SIZES.

...MEASURED OVER
LENGTH AND WIDTH.

MM-HMM.

KLAUS OFFERS TO HELP ME MEASURE

MY CONDOM SIZE SO THAT I CAN
DETERMINE HOW I MEASURE UP

AGAINST THE REST OF THE WORLD.

THE LENGTH -- WE HAVE TO
SEE, OKAY, HOW LONG, RIGHT?

SAY, THERE?

SO, THEN WE PLACE THIS
AGAINST THE SKIN.

61, WHICH IS THE SHORTEST.

YEAH. SO, NOT SO SHORT.

NO, IT'S NOT TOO SHORT.

THE GIRTH?

YEAH, YEAH, YOU
BECOME AN "M."

"M" IS HERE, 49.

49.

ASIAN SIZE!

KOREANS HAVE, ON AVERAGE, THE

SMALLEST PENISES ON THE PLANET.

I WANT TO SEE HOW THEY DEAL
WITH THEIR SMALL SIZE.

BUT I DISCOVERED SOMETHING
PRETTY UNEXPECTED.

ALTHOUGH KOREANS HAVE THE
SMALLEST DICKS IN THE WORLD,

THEY HAVE THE LARGEST
DICK STATUES.

ON AVERAGE, KOREAN MEN
ARE THE SMALLEST.

IS THAT SOMETHING THAT
KOREAN WOMEN TALK ABOUT?

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

YEAH!

GET A WIDE SHOT, SOAK IT ALL IN.

HELLO!

HELLO!

HI.

THERE IS SO MUCH DICK IN THIS

COUNTRY, THEY'VE GOT
TO HAVE SOME ANSWERS.

OTHERWISE, WHAT'S
WITH ALL THE DICK?

I MAY BE SMALL, BUT COMPARED TO

A KOREAN, MAYBE I'M HUGE.

I'M GOING TO SEEK SOME ADVICE

FROM A CLASS OF KOREAN
UNIVERSITY STUDENTS.

I PROPOSED MARRIAGE, AND SHE

SAID NO BECAUSE SHE SAID
THAT MY PENIS IS TOO SMALL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT MY SIZE, REALLY.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND

I HAD ALWAYS BEEN LIKE, "MAN, IT

WOULD BE SUPER COOL IF I
HAD, LIKE, A GIANT ONE.

I'M ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT MY

PENIS NOW, AND I'M THINKING
THAT EVERY TIME I'VE HAD A

RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN AND IT

HASN'T WORKED, IT'S BECAUSE

SHE'S THINKING, "OH, HIS PENIS
IS A LITTLE TOO SMALL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

GET MY CONFIDENCE BACK?

YEAH?

IS THAT A GOOD PLACE
TO BOOST YOUR EGO?

OKAY. THAT'S GOOD ADVICE.

HEY! HEY!

NO! NO!

[ SHOUTING IN KOREAN ]

NO, NO, NO!

NO!

NO! NO! NO! STOP!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

HEY!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

OKAY, SO, NOBODY LIKES HAVING

THEIR PENIS SECRETLY FILMED.

AND I MAY HAVE
BROKEN SEVERAL LAWS.

SO, FOR NOW, I'M GONNA GET OUT

OF KOREA AND CHECK
OUT TAIPEI, TAIWAN.

TAIPEI IS A CITY RICH WITH
HISTORY AND TRADITION.

AMONG THESE TRADITIONS ARE

SEVERAL ANCIENT METHODS
FOR MALE ENHANCEMENT.

SO, I'M GOING TO SNAKE ALLEY,

WHERE THEY TRADE IN
TRADITIONAL CHINESE MEDICINE.

TRY A LITTLE BIT OF SNAKE.

THERE'S BONES IN IT.

OW!

MMM.

OH, TURTLES!

WHOA.

LOOK AT THOSE DEAD TURTLE HEADS.

GOD!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT THING'S LIKE 13" LONG.

HERE WE GO.

THAT'S NOT BAD.

THAT'S ACTUALLY
PRETTY GOOD, YEAH.

OKAY. DOWN THE HATCH.

IT'S LIKE A CHERRY
TOMATO FULL OF BALLS.

UGH.

I HAVE NO IDEA, DUDE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

UGH.

AFTER EATING ROOSTER TESTICLES

IN SNAKE ALLEY, I NEED A DRINK.

I FOUND A BAR WHERE A LOCAL

TAIWANESE GIRL WAS WILLING
TO TALK TO ME ABOUT SIZE.

AH. SIZE?

UH-HUH.

OKAY.

THE SIZE.

AH, WELL, I HAVE TO SAY,
I'M A BIT SHY SOMETIMES.

YEAH. YEAH.

DO, LIKE, A LOT OF AMERICAN
GUYS, LIKE, HIT ON YOU?

NO?

I FIND THAT INCREDIBLY
HARD TO BELIEVE.

NO, NO, NO.

DO YOU THINK THEY'RE,
LIKE, ATTRACTIVE?

YOU DON'T?

YOU DON'T THINK AMERICAN
MEN ARE ATTRACTIVE?

DAMN IT!

WHO DO YOU FIND THE
MOST ATTRACTIVE?

LIKE, WHAT KIND OF GUYS?

LIKE, ASIAN GUYS OR...?

I PREFER BLACK GUYS.

YOU PREFER BLACK GUYS?

YEAH.

DO YOU LIKE THE BIGGER PENIS?

IS THAT...?

NO.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE
TO LIKE THIS PERSON.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

THEN YOU WILL SEE HIS PENIS,

AND IT'S SOMETHING LIKE A GIFT.

IT'S LIKE A GIFT.

YEAH, YOU OPEN YOUR GIFTS,

AND SOMETIMES IT'S "OOH!"
AND SOMETIMES "AH."

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO
PRETEND THAT IT'S, "WOW!"

RIGHT, RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

DID YOU KNOW THAT A 500-POUND

SILVERBACK GORILLA HAS A
3-CENTIMETER PENIS, WHEREAS

HUMANS HAVE A
13-CENTIMETER PENIS?

[ SLOOP! ]

THIS IS DUE TO A PHENOMENON
SCIENTISTS CALL SEXUAL

SELECTION.

HUMAN FEMALES TEND TO PREFER
MATES WITH BIGGER PENISES.

SO, OVER TIME, THE HUMAN PENIS

HAS EVOLVED TO A SIZE WAY
BIGGER THAN NECESSARY.

[ DING! ]

AND THAT'S MY PROBLEM -- NO

WOMAN WILL EVER CHOOSE ME OVER A

GUY WITH A BIGGER DICK.

IT'S HUMAN NATURE.

SO, TODAY I'M MORE DETERMINED

THAN EVER TO FIND A
CURE FOR MY PROBLEM.

I THINK THIS IS IT.

THIS IS MASTER TU'S STUDIO.

HI. MASTER TU?

YEAH.

YEAH. I'M PATRICK.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
MEETING WITH ME.

WHAT EXACTLY IS IT THAT
YOU GUYS PRACTICE HERE?

AND WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS THAT

SOMEONE CAN GET FROM
DOING THESE THINGS?

MASTER TU LEARNED THE ANCIENT

METHOD OF PENIS WEIGHT HANGING

THROUGH HIS FATHER'S TEACHINGS.

BY LIFTING WEIGHTS WITH YOUR

PENIS, YOU INCREASE YOUR BODY'S

NATURAL ENERGY AND PENIS LENGTH.

SO, IT ACTUALLY DOES
INCREASE YOUR SIZE?

SO, IF I WERE TO TRY IT FOR MY

FIRST TIME, IT WOULD BE
JUST VERY SMALL AMOUNT.

LIKE THIS. THIS SIZE?

THAT'S -- THIS IS PRETTY --

MASTER TU IS GONNA START ME OUT

WITH A 5-POUND LIFT, BUT FIRST I

NEED TO WARM UP MY CHI.

SO, MASTER TU AND HIS ASSISTANT

TAKE ME THROUGH THE PROCESS.

RUB. RUB. RUB.

RUB? RUB?

NOW I SLAP IT?

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

HOW I SHOULD TIE IT?

OKAY.

OKAY!

[ Chuckling ] YEAH.

OH, MAN.

OH, MAN.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

STAND. STAND.

ALL THE WAY UP?

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

SWING?

ROCK A LITTLE BIT.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

I'M CRAZY.

I AM CRAZY.

HOW'S IT FEEL?

FEELS ALL RIGHT.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

YEAH. YEAH.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

AH.

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

HE SAID, OKAY, BESIDES, THE

PAIN DOWN THERE, DO YOU FEEL

LIKE YOUR WHOLE BODY'S
BEEN RE-INVIGORATED?

I FEEL LIKE VERY LIGHT, LIKE

VERY, UH -- ALSO VERY SWEATY.

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

HE SAID THAT'S THE
HORMONES KICKING IN.

THAT'S THE
HORMONES KICKING IN?

I CAN FEEL IT WORKING.

THEY'RE ABOUT READY.

[ CONVERSING IN CHINESE ]

HOW MUCH IS THIS?

THAT'S 20 KILOGRAMS.

SO, IT'S CLOSE TO 350.

CLOSE TO 350 POUNDS.

[ CONVERSING IN CHINESE ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S -- THAT IS AMAZING.

THAT -- [ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

THAT IS AMAZING.

WOW.

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

THIS GUY HAS GOT TO BE HUGE.

WHILE WEIGHT-HANGING SEEMED
PROMISING, THAT GUY'S JUNK

DIDN'T LOOK TOO GREAT, AND MINE

KIND OF FEELS LIKE A
PAIR OF OLD SHOELACES.

WHOA!

HEY, FUCKER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T... BUT THERE'S STILL HOPE.

WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO THE LAST
COUNTRY ON OUR JOURNEY.

PAPUA NEW GUINEA IS ONE OF THE

MOST REMOTE COUNTRIES
IN THE WORLD.

SEVERAL OF THE TRIBES HERE HAVE

TRADITIONAL VIRILITY RITUALS

HANDED DOWN FROM
PRE-COLONIAL TIMES.

OUR GUIDE IS PROFESSOR
GIL HERDT, THE

FOREMOST ANTHROPOLOGIST
WORKING IN THE COUNTRY.

THERE'S SO MANY DIFFERENT

WAYS IN WHICH THE PENIS
REPRESENTS POWER... YEAH.

...REPRESENTS
DOMINATION, REPRESENTS...

MASCULINITY.

...MASCULINITY.

SAMBIA WILL TELL THE STORY --

THIS IS THE TRIBE THAT I
WORK WITH IN NEW GUINEA.

MM-HMM.

AND I KNEW A LOT OF WARRIORS

WHO REALLY HAD KILLED, WHO
REALLY HAD LED BATTLES.

THEY WOULD SAY THAT, WHEN
CHARGING INTO BATTLE, THE

WARRIOR WHO WAS USUALLY THE WAR

LEADER, WOULD HAVE AN ERECTION...
HMM.

...WHICH SYMBOLIZED HIS

ABILITY TO WIN
OVER ON HIS ENEMY.

AND IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO GET

THE LIFE ESSENCE OF A GUY...
MM-HMM.

...AFTER YOU ATTACKED HIM AND

HE WAS DYING AND HE WAS HAVING

SPASMS IN HIS BODY AND HE HAD AN

ERECTION, YOU TRIED
TO GET THE SEMEN.

AND IF YOU COULD TAKE THAT INTO

YOUR BODY, YOU GOT HIS POWER.

AND THE NOTION WAS NOT FOCUSED

ON THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS.

AS FAR AS I KNOW, THAT
DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN.

BUT IT APPEARS TO
BE COMING UP NOW.

I MEAN, IF YOU GO -- IN A

SOCIETY WHERE YOU, YOU KNOW,
HUNDREDS AND MAYBE EVEN

THOUSANDS OF YEARS THINKING THAT

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, HOW DO THESE

IDEAS, THESE SEEDS, GET PLANTED

IN THE MEN'S HEAD AND THEN
IN THE WOMEN'S HEAD, TOO?

HANDHELD CELLPHONES AND

SEEING PORN STORES
WITH BIG DICKS.

MM-HMM.

THESE GUYS SORT OF TALKING

ABOUT THESE PENIS IMPLANTS,

PUTTING THINGS IN THEIR PENIS.

AT FIRST, I DIDN'T QUITE BELIEVE

IT, AND THEN, THE MORE THEY

TALKED ABOUT IT, I THOUGHT --

AND THEN I SAW SOME PHOTOS.

MM-HMM.

AND SO I SAID TO THEM,
"WHERE'S THIS COMING FROM?"

AND THIS IS WHAT I DIDN'T
BELIEVE UNTIL THEY TOLD ME.

THEY SAID, "IT'S BECAUSE OUR

GIRLFRIENDS SAY WE'RE TOO SMALL.

AND I SAID, "YOU'VE
GOT TO BE KIDDING."

SO, NOW WE'RE DRIVING OUT
TO A REMOTE BUSH REGION.

WE WILL MEET A TRIBE WHOSE

TRADITIONS DATE BACK
MANY CENTURIES.

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? HI!

YOU'RE FRIENDLY.

HEY, BUDDY.

THE VILLAGE SPANS ACROSS
SEVERAL HUNDRED ACRES.

UPON ENTERING, WE ARE MET WITH

THE TRADITIONAL TRIBAL GREETING.

THIS IS THEIR EQUIVALENT
TO A HANDSHAKE.

[ CHANTING IN
NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

PAT, CAN YOU DO THAT?

CAN I DO THAT?

CAN I MAKE FIRE?

READY? WATCH THIS.

AH!

AH! CHEATING.

EH.

IT'S NOT NEARLY AS IMPRESSIVE.

THE TRIBE HAS BEEN
VERY WELCOMING.

GIL TELLS THEM OF MY PROBLEM,

AND THEY INTRODUCE ME
TO THEIR WITCHDOCTOR.

HE PREPARES A RITUAL AND
PLEADS WITH THE GODS.

[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

[ WHOOPING ]

IT SEEMS THAT THIS RITUAL IS

MORE SPIRITUAL THAN PHYSICAL.

APPARENTLY, MOST TRIBES CARE FAR

MORE ABOUT FERTILITY THAN SIZE.

BUT THERE'S STILL A TRIBE THAT

MAY HAVE THE SOLUTION
I'M LOOKING FOR.

WE MEET UP WITH THE
SAMBIA PEOPLE.

THESE ARE GIL'S FRIENDS FOR

SEVERAL DECADES, AND THEY CLAIM

THAT ENLARGEMENTS ARE
COMMON IN THIS REGION.

WHEN HE WAS A BOY, HE
FELL DOWN FROM A TREE.

HE WAS ABOUT 5.

5 YEARS OLD.

AND HE FELL ON HIS SCROTUM

AND SPLICED HIS SCROTUM OPEN.

AND THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING
AND LAUGHING AND LAUGHING.

AND I WAS THE MEDICAL ASSISTANT

TO THIS AREA AT THE TIME.

SO, I SLUNG HIM UP OVER MY

SHOULDER, AND I CARRIED
HIM DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.

AND I HAD BLOOD ALL OVER
MY BODY, FROM YOUR BALLS.

WOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

RIGHT. THAT'S MY STORY.

THE SAMBIA PEOPLE WELCOME
ME TO THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND THEN DO THIS.

BAM!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN WE HEAD TO THE MARKET TO

SEEK OUT ENLARGEMENT PROSPECTS.

[ CONVERSING IN
NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

YOU EXPLAIN TO HIM.

AM PATRICK.

YOU CAN TALK SAMBIA ON PATRICK.

THIS IS THE NUMBER YOU WANT.

OH, FOR THE -- YES.

REALLY?

EXTEND.

FOR THE BIG -- YEAH, THE --

AND WHEN YOU DO THE PROCEDURE,

THE NEEDLE -- HOW MANY TIMES DO

YOU PUT IT -- DO YOU PUT IT IN

ONCE, PUT ALL THE OIL IN, OR DO

YOU HAVE TO GO INTO DIFFERENT
AREAS OF THE PENIS?

I DON'T LIKE NEEDLES, SO...
10 SHOTS.

10 SHOTS.

THAT'S 50 MILS.

50 MILS, 10 SHOTS.

ONE 5 MILLILITER, 10, 15, 20,

25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50,
TWO IN THE MIDDLE.

FROM THE MEN THAT YOU'VE

DONE, DOES IT APPEAR TO BE A

PAINFUL PROCEDURE, OR
IS IT FAIRLY PAINLESS?

AND IT'S SAFE.

IT'S A SAFE PROCEDURE.

AND IT'S NOT SORE OR...?

AND IT DOESN'T, LIKE,
LEAK OR ANYTHING?

NO. NO.

OKAY.

WERE YOU NERVOUS WHEN YOU...?

MM-HMM.

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD?

CAN YOU PUT IT IN THE SYRINGE

JUST SO I CAN SEE HOW MUCH?

AND THAT'S -- SO, 10 OF THOSE?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT IF

YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE, MAN.

IT'S... [ SIGHS ]

OKAY.

SO, HOW -- SHOULD I
STAND -- STAND UP?

I'M SO SCARED RIGHT NOW.

OHH.

OKAY, UH... OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

AH, OKAY. HANG ON.

[ SIGHS ]

MNH. I FEEL A LITTLE...
I FEEL A LITTLE...

GO GET SOME FRESH AIR.

OKAY. HANG ON.

JUST ONE -- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OKAY. YEAH. OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

DEFINITELY... DUDE,
WOULD YOU DO THIS?

SHOULD I DO THIS?

IS THIS FUCKING CRAZY?

I'M AFRAID TO EAT THE
FUCKING FOOD HERE.

I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT GUY
STICK A NEEDLE IN MY PENIS.

I'M NOT DOING IT.

JUST GIVE HIM THE MONEY AND TELL

HIM THAT I CAN'T DO IT.

DON'T WORRY.

OKAY. OKAY.

I FEEL LIKE...

WHEN I WAS STARING DOWN AT THAT

NEEDLE, I REALIZED JUST HOW

DESPERATELY I WANT
THIS ENLARGEMENT.

THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO.

BUT I HAVE TO DO IT A
SMART WAY, A SAFE WAY.

SO, I'M HEADED BACK TO KOREA.

APPARENTLY, IT'S THE

PLASTIC-SURGERY
CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

SO, NOT ONLY DOES KOREA HAVE THE

SMALLEST PENISES IN THE WORLD.

THEY ALSO HAVE THE MOST PLASTIC
SURGERY THAT GOES DOWN.

SO, WE'VE COME TO THIS AREA.

THIS PARTICULAR DISTRICT HAS THE

MOST PLASTIC-SURGERY
CENTERS IN ALL THE WORLD.

¶ I GOT SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT

THINKING TWICE TONIGHT ¶

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HOPING.

HOLY GRAIL.

HI.

I'M HERE TO SEE DR. LEE.

YEAH.

DON'T WORRY.

OKAY.

[ LAUGHS ]

RIGHT, RIGHT.

MM-HMM.

YEAH. MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

[ SPEAKING KOREAN ]

DR. LEE EXPLAINS THAT HIS

SURGERY IS DONE IN TWO WAYS.

ONE IS BY HARVESTING A SECTION

OF SKIN AND FAT FROM A DEAD BODY

AND ELONGATING THE PENIS
WITH THE EXTRA FLESH.

THE OTHER AND MORE POPULAR

PROCEDURE INVOLVES HARVESTING

FAT FROM THE PATIENT'S ABDOMEN

AND INSERTING IT UNDER THE SKIN

OF THE PENIS SHAFT, THUS ADDING

SEVERAL CENTIMETERS OF GIRTH AND

A VERY NATURAL APPEARANCE.

DR. LEE INVENTED THIS PROCEDURE,

AND IT'S BECOME THE
INDUSTRY STANDARD.

IT'S CONSIDERED TO BE
VERY SAFE AND EFFECTIVE.

DR. LEE INVITES ME TO MEET
ONE OF HIS CURRENT PATIENTS.

[ LAUGHS ]

HI. HI.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.

[ SPEAKING KOREAN ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

OKAY. OH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WOW.

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, YEAH. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I MEAN, IT WAS PRETTY BIG.

I MEAN, IF HE WAS REALLY SMALL

ENOUGH TO COME IN AND CONSIDER

HAVING THIS PROCEDURE DONE --

I MEAN, WHAT I SAW WAS, YOU

KNOW, PRETTY GIRTHY-LOOKING.

[ PHONE LINE RINGING ]

YES?

WHAT UP, MAN? IT'S PAT.

UH, NOTHING, DUDE.

I WENT AND MET THIS DOCTOR, THE,

LIKE, PENIS-ENLARGEMENT GUY.

HE'S LIKE THE MOST FAMOUS PENIS

DOCTOR IN THE WORLD, AND HE LIKE

DEVELOPED THIS PROCEDURE.

HE DID IT.

IT'S HIS -- LIKE, FROM HIS
BRAIN, HE MADE IT UP.

[ CHANTING IN
NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

I FEEL LIKE IF MAYBE I CAN

SEE HOW THE PROCEDURE IS DONE,

IT'LL KIND OF SETTLE MY FEARS A

LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW, IF I KNOW

WHAT, YOU KNOW, I'M ACTUALLY
GETTING MY DICK INTO.

BUT, I MEAN, HE SAID IT'S

LIKE -- YOU KNOW, THERE'S
LITERALLY NO PAIN.

YOU RECOVER IN LIKE A DAY.

SO, I MEAN, IT
CAN'T BE THAT BAD.

HAVE YOU SEE
BEFORE -- OPERATION?

MNH-MNH.

NO?

MNH-MNH.

FIRST TIME?

MM-HMM.

FOR THE EXPERIENCE?

MNH-MNH.

[ VOMITS ]

[ COUGHING ]

DUDE, HERE. HERE.

[ SNIFFS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

NO. NO WAY.

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE
MOMENTS WHERE YOU JUST STEP

OUTSIDE YOURSELF AND KIND OF

TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING

AND REALIZE THAT YOU'RE JUST NOT

BEING YOURSELF ANYMORE?

AND HONESTLY, I DON'T REALLY

KNOW WHAT I'M DOING
HERE ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

EVERYTHING WE DO ISN'T WORKING.

I'M MAKING A COMPLETE FOOL OF

MYSELF IN FRONT OF
THE ENTIRE WORLD.

WHO'S GONNA WANT TO BE WITH
ME AFTER SEEING THIS FILM?

I LOOK LIKE AN INSECURE,

NARCISSISTIC FREAK
WITH A TINY DICK.

IT'S YOUR MOVIE!

YEAH, IF YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS

COMING FROM A MILE AWAY,
THEN YOU'RE OBLIVIOUS, MAN.

HEY, PATTY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

UM... I'VE BEEN
HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS

ABOUT THE FILM.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE INTENSE.

SO, I TOLD EVERYBODY
THAT I'M DONE.

YOU'RE ASKING A QUESTION OF

MALE IDENTITY THAT
IS BEYOND JUST YOU.

IT'S A BIG QUESTION.

SO I UNDERSTAND IT WOULD BE

CONFUSING AT A CERTAIN POINT.

BUT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

YOU WOULD GET THIS
FAR AND THEN QUIT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

IT'S HARDER THAN I THOUGHT
IT WAS GONNA BE, I GUESS.

IT'S ALL HARD,
PATTY, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT TO BRING UP THE OLD

HISTORY, BUT YOU WALKED
OUT OF TWO S.A.T.s.

YOU WANTED TO QUIT BASKETBALL.

DID YOU QUIT? I CAN'T REMEMBER.

YOU DID.

I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU TOTALLY

DIFFERENT ADVICE THREE MONTHS

AGO, BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE YOU'VE

REALLY GROWN FROM THE EXPERIENCE

AND ASKING THE QUESTIONS.

AND, YOU KNOW, IN GROWTH, THERE

IS PAIN, AND IT'S PAINFUL RIGHT

NOW, BUT JUST KEEP GROWING.

DON'T GIVE UP.

WHY DOES SIZE MATTER SO MUCH?

AND WHERE DOES THIS
OBSESSION COME FROM?

AND HOW CAN YOU HELP PEOPLE
WHO FEEL INSECURE ABOUT IT?

THERE'S NO GOOD WAY FOR ME TO

GET A BIGGER DICK, BUT MAYBE I

CAN FIND A WAY TO LIVE
WITH THE ONE I'VE GOT.

IN NEW YORK, THERE'S A MAN
THAT I'M TERRIFIED TO MEET.

HIS NAME IS JONAH FALCON, AND HE

HAS THE WORLD'S BIGGEST PENIS.

AS FAR AS YOU KNOW, IS
YOURS LIKE THE BIGGEST?

AS FAR AS I KNOW.

IT WAS MEASURED ON
CAMERA 13 1/2".

WITHOUT USING A RULER, I GO FROM

HERE TO HERE, AND I'M
AT THIS THICKNESS.

HOW HAS HAVING A PENIS
THAT LARGE CHANGED YOUR LIFE?

WELL, I WAS 8" WHEN I WAS 10,

SO IT'S SORT OF LIKE
NORMALCY FOR ME, YOU KNOW?

RIGHT.

THE ONLY THING THAT CHANGES

IS PEOPLE'S REACTION TO ME.

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW?

SO, IT MAKES SEX EASIER.

IT DOESN'T MAKE
RELATIONSHIPS EASIER.

YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD
RELATIONSHIPS, BUT NONE OF THEM

HAVE REALLY LASTED MORE
THAN, SAY, EIGHT MONTHS.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

I MEAN, PEOPLE TEND NOT TO

THINK OF ME IN THAT
SORT OF WAY, YOU KNOW?

THEY TEND TO THINK OF ME AS MORE

OF A, YOU KNOW, "LET'S
SEE WHAT HE'S LIKE."

SO, IT'S MORE OF LIKE A
CURIOSITY, FASCINATION.

BASICALLY, YEAH.

RIGHT.

I MEAN, I'VE HAD ONE PARTNER
SAY, "I DON'T LOVE YOU.

I JUST WANT YOU TO FUCK ME."

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW?

WHICH IS REALLY A -- THAT'S

REALLY A BULLET TO MY HEART
BECAUSE -- RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT
THERE'S SOMETHING DEEPER, BUT

APPARENTLY IT'S -- YOU KNOW,

WHERE I THINK IT'S HERE, THEY

THINK IT'S HERE,
IN TERMS OF DEPTH.

I MEAN, I HEAR YOU.

I MEAN, LIKE, I HAVEN'T REALLY

HAD VERY MANY SUBSTANTIAL

RELATIONSHIPS, AND IT IS FAIRLY

OBVIOUS NOW THAT I AM PROBABLY

MAYBE A LITTLE BELOW
WHAT IS AVERAGE.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I HAVE

BEEN BROACHED BY THIS TOPIC BY

OTHER GUYS, AS WELL, AND ONE OF

MY FAVORITES IS, "MAN, IF
I HAD WHAT YOU HAD --"

AND MY ANSWER IS, "WHAT?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

WHAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT?

IT WOULD BE YOU PLUS A FEW EXTRA

INCHES, BUT GUESS WHAT.

YOU'RE STILL YOU.

AND PEOPLE ARE GONNA
LIKE YOU EITHER WAY."

IT STARTED AS "PICKLE."

MM-HMM.

AND THAT PISSED ME OFF,
AND I FELT IT IMMEDIATELY.

LIKE, THE HIGH SCHOOL
RAGE CAME BACK.

WHY ARE YOU DOING
THIS DOCUMENTARY?

I DON'T KNOW.

[ LAUGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY
UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE.

IT HASN'T BEEN GREAT.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

AND THAT KIND OF STARTED
THIS WHOLE PROJECT.

I'M NOW UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT PROBABLY I'M LIKE A
LITTLE BELOW AVERAGE.

HALF OF EVERYONE IS.

RIGHT. RIGHT. UM -- AND
"TOO SMALL" IS RELATIVE.

"TOO SMALL" IS RELATIVE?

TOO SMALL FOR HER.

RIGHT.

WE'VE PASSED THIS POINT WHERE

THE MALE BODY, ONCE UPON A TIME,

WAS NOT SUBJECT TO
A CRITICAL GAZE.

AND NOW IT IS.

AND NOW MEN'S GENITALS ARE A

SUBJECT OF SCRUTINY AND DEBATE

AND, YOU KNOW, THUMBS UP OR

THUMBS DOWN, IN A WAY THAT THEY

DIDN'T USED TO BE, AND IN THE

WAY THAT TITS ALWAYS WERE.

SHE HAD GOOD TITS.

SHE HAS BAD TITS.

SHE HAS BIG TITS.

SHE HAS A NICE RACK.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A NICE RACK.

WHERE DO YOU THINK THESE KIND

OF IDEAS ARE COMING FROM?

WELL, WE LIVE IN A
PORN-IFIED CULTURE.

MM-HMM.

PORN IS A SKEWED SAMPLE.

PEOPLE AREN'T SEEING A
REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF

PENISES ANYWHERE.

ALL THEY'RE SEEING
IS PORN PENISES.

WELL, THE FIRST PENIS I EVER

SAW LOOKED LIKE IT HAD CRASHED
LANDED ON THIS PLANET.

[ LAUGHS ]

AND IT, YOU KNOW,
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.

AND, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WITH

GUYS WHO HAVE THAT PENIS.

AND IT'S NOT FUN.

I THINK GUYS HAVE THIS IDEA

THAT WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND,

WOMEN ARE CONSTANTLY TALKING
ABOUT THEIR PENISES.

THE SIZE OF THEIR PENISES.

I THINK POP CULTURE
GIVES GUYS THAT IDEA.

I'M A FAG, AND I HANG OUT WITH

WOMEN WHEN THERE AREN'T
STRAIGHT GUYS AROUND.

AND IT ALMOST NEVER COMES UP.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONE FAMOUS

STUDY THAT SHOWED THAT WOMEN --

THE LONG-TERM PARTNERS OF MEN

WITH SMALL PENISES REPORTED
HIGHER LEVELS OF SEXUAL

SATISFACTION THAN LONG-TERM
PARTNERS OF MEN WITH

ABOVE-AVERAGE PENISES... HMM.

...BECAUSE THE GUYS WITH

SMALLER PENISES DIDN'T JUST RELY

ON THEIR MAGIC DICKS TO
GET THEIR GIRLFRIENDS OF,

NECESSARILY.

RIGHT.

THEY FELT LIKE THEY HAD TO GO

THE -- MAKE SOME EXTRA EFFORT.

YOU HAD TO KNOW HOW TO HAVE SEX.

I WAS WITH A GUY WHO HAD A SMALL

DICK, WHO WOULDN'T
SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT
THE SIZE OF HIS DICK.

I REALLY DIDN'T.

BUT LISTENING TO HIM COMPLAIN

ABOUT HIS DICK AND PROJECT HIS

INSECURITIES ONTO ME ALL THE

TIME WAS EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING.

I WAS FINE WITH HIS DICK.

I WASN'T FINE WITH HIS
ASSUMPTION THAT I WASN'T FINE

WITH HIS DICK, AND EVENTUALLY IT

CONTRIBUTED TO OUR BREAKUP.

SOMEBODY WITH A BELOW-AVERAGE
DICK ISN'T GONNA SATISFY

SOMEBODY WHO'S A COCK-HOUND OR

A SIZE QUEEN, AND SO WHAT?

YOU JUST DON'T, THEN,
MARRY A SIZE QUEEN.

MM-HMM.

YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY WHO

LIKE YOUR JUNK AND IT WORKS FOR

THEM AND RUN OFF TOGETHER.

RIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT
EVERYBODY HAS TO DO.

YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY WHO

LIKES EVERYTHING YOU
BRING TO THE TABLE.

THE ONLY WAY THAT I CAN MOVE

ON IS TO FIND SOMEBODY WHO LIKES

EVERYTHING THAT I
BRING TO THE TABLE.

I NEED TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE.

SO, I'VE DECIDED TO ASK
KASSIA OUT ON A DATE.

SHE'S THE GIRL
FROM THE SEX SHOP.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

¶ MY HEART BEATS ¶ MY
HEART IS FEELING LOVE

¶ MY HEART BEATS ¶ MY
HEART BEATS STRONGER

¶ MY HEART BEATS ¶ MY
HEART IS FEELING LOVE

¶ MY HEART BEATS ¶ MY
HEART BEATS STRONGER

¶ MY HEART BEATS ¶ MY
HEART IS FEELING LOVE

¶ MY HEART BEATS ¶ MY
LOVE BEATS STRONGER

¶ MY HEART BEATS ¶ MY
HEART IS FEELING LOVE

¶ MY HEART BEATS ¶ MY
LOVE BEATS STRONGER

¶ AND WHAT ARE WE DOING?

¶ WHERE HAVE WE BEEN?

¶ NO, NO ¶ A STUPID BAD
CHAT ¶ TWO ON THE FLOOR

¶ AND WAS THAT THE NIGHT...

ALL RIGHT, SO,
WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT?

DID YOU HAVE A
GOOD TIME TONIGHT?

YEAH.

IS THAT FOR REAL? YOU DID?

YEAH. I DID.

I MEAN, I'M STILL
HAVING THE TIME.

STILL HAVING THE TIME?

YEAH. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.

GET BACK TO ME
AFTER IT'S OVER?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME?

AM I JUST A WEIRDO?

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE AWESOME.

I JUST FEEL LIKE YOU ARE A

LITTLE OBSESSED WITH
THIS WHOLE THING.

[ SIGHS ]

DO I SEEM OBSESSED?

IS THAT KIND OF HOW I COME OFF?

[ LAUGHS ] UM -- AS
I HOLD A CAMERA IN YOUR

FACE?

YES.

YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S WEIRD.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND, LIKE --

THERE'S SO MUCH MORE
GOING ON, I FEEL.

LIKE -- IF
YOU WANT TO HAVE A

RELATIONSHIP, IF YOU WANT TO BE

INTIMATE, IF ANY
OF THAT MATTERS.

I MEAN, I DON'T
KNOW HOW MEN FEEL.

IT'S SO NOT ALL ABOUT YOUR DICK.

HMM.

IF YOU GUYS CARE, P.S., IF

THIS EVER MAKES IT, IT'S
NOT ALL ABOUT YOUR DICK.

UH-OH. YOUR TURN?

YEAH.

[ SIGHS ]

I LIKE IT ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE CAMERA.

IT'S A LOT LESS --
IT'S BETTER, HUH?

YEAH, IT'S WAY BETTER.

WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED, NEEDS

TO HAPPEN BEFORE I FEEL LIKE WE

COULD EVEN GO GET A DRINK

WITHOUT YOU THINKING ABOUT IT.

I THOUGHT I COULD FIX MY

PROBLEM, BUT MAYBE
I AM THE PROBLEM.

I HAVE THE HONOR OF BRINGING
UP YOUR NEXT COMEDIAN.

PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE FOR
MY GOOD BUDDY PATRICK MOOTE,

EVERYBODY, PATRICK MOOTE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ANDREW SLEIGHTER, EVERYBODY.

GIVE IT UP.

SO, ANDREW TOLD YOU
GUYS I JUST GOT BACK.

WHOO! BACK!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU, GUYS.

IT WAS PRETTY COOL.

I GOT TO GO AROUND THE
WORLD, SEE SOME STUFF...

IN ORDER TO MAKE
MY PENIS BIGGER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IN TAIWAN, THERE'S
A GROUP OF PEOPLE.

THEY'RE THESE MARTIAL ARTISTS,

AND THEY TIE UP THEIR WHOLE

SITUATION WITH A ROPE, AND THEN

THEY HANG WEIGHTS, WHICH, IN
TAIWAN, IS PROBABLY COOL.

24 HOUR FITNESS?

OH, NOT SO MUCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PLUS, IT'S LIKE FUCKING
IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A SPOTTER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, YOU
WANT TO SPOT ME, BRO?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MY DICK? DOWN THERE?"

YOU KNOW? IT'S BEEN -- THIS
WHOLE THING THAT I'VE BEEN

DOING HAS BEEN CRAZY.

IT'S BEEN WEIRD, AND
IT'S BEEN AWESOME.

BUT THE THING THAT I REALIZED

THE MOST IS THAT, YOU KNOW, IT'S

NOT ABOUT THE INSECURITIES
THAT YOU HAVE, YOU KNOW?

YOU GOT TO FIND SOMEBODY
WHO'S RIGHT FOR YOU.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THE PENIS.

I THINK THEY'RE ALL
BEAUTIFUL, JUST LIKE I THINK ALL

TREES ARE BEAUTIFUL,
IN THEIR OWN WAY.

IT'S WHAT IT IS,
AND IT'S FABULOUS.

IT'S GOT NERVE ENDINGS.

IT'S YOUR FRIEND.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

MY PENIS TOOK ME TO PLACES I

NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE.

IT MADE ME DO THINGS I
NEVER DREAMT I WOULD DO.

HEY!

AND ALONG THE WAY, I MET
SOME REALLY GREAT PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

BYE!

YEAH. BYE.

AH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

I STARTED THIS JOURNEY WITH A

QUESTION -- DOES SIZE MATTER?

AND IT DID -- TO ME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT DOESN'T ANYMORE.

HA!

AH! AH!

[ CHANTING IN
NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

I THINK THE BIGGEST THING,
THE WHOLE THING THAT I'VE

LEARNED THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE

JOURNEY, IS THAT, JUST BE
COOL WITH YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?

JUST BE GOOD WITH YOURSELF.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE AVERAGE DEPTH OF THE
FEMALE VAGINA IS 3.2".

THE AVERAGE LENGTH OF
THE MALE PENIS IS 4.4".

SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

MAN, YOU GOT PLENTY OF PEOPLE

IN YOUR LIFE THAT REALLY CARE
ABOUT YOU, AND, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S FUCKING MILLIONS OF

GIRLS OUT THERE, BRO, ALL RIGHT?

TAKE IT EASY.

THANKS A LOT!

IT'S BEEN GOOD.

MY NAME IS PATRICK MOOTE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

PATRICK MOOTE, EVERYBODY!

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, I GUESS THAT'S ABOUT IT.

I THINK I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT,

AT THIS POINT, I AM SICK
OF TALKING ABOUT MY DICK.

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT YOU'RE

ALL SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT, SO

I WILL SHUT UP ABOUT MY DICK AND

TALK ABOUT THIS YOUNG LADY...
[ CHUCKLES ]

...WHO IS AWESOME.

MM. SUPER.

...AND AMAZING, KIND OF PRETTY...
MM-HMM.

...GREAT ATTITUDE, LIKE --

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO WEIRD?

I'M NOT BEING WEIRD.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU THAT
I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
PROPOSE TO ME, ARE YOU?

WHAT? IS THAT --
[ LAUGHS ] COME ON!

¶ 'CAUSE EVERYTHING
MOVES ¶ EVERYTHING PULSES

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EVERYTHING MOVES ¶
EVERYTHING PULSES

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ IN THE EYES OF YOU
¶ IN THE EYES OF YOU

¶ RAMBLE ON, CHUG ALONG

¶ AND IF THE BEAT STOPS THUMPING

THEN SOMETHING'S WRONG ¶

¶ IGNORE IT, SON ¶
IT'S JUST A SONG

¶ BUT I CAN SEE YOUR
WHITE-KNUCKLED HAND FROM

HOLDING ON ¶

¶ SO LATELY I WONDER WHY WE
RELY ON THE SURE THING ¶

¶ IT'S TOO DAMN COMFORTING ¶
TO STAY ALIVE, OVERDRIVE,

TILL WE FIND SOMETHING NEW ¶

¶ TO KEEP THE PULSE
ALIVE IN YOU ¶

¶ SO MANY ANGLES ¶ SO MANY LINES

¶ SO MANY WAYS TO
SEE THE SUNRISE ¶

¶ 'CAUSE EVERYTHING MOVES
¶ EVERYTHING PULSES

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EVERYTHING MOVES ¶
EVERYTHING PULSES

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ IN THE EYES OF YOU
¶ IN THE EYES OF YOU

¶ EVEN THOUGH I DON'T
KNOW QUITE WHAT TO DO ¶

¶ THE TIME WILL SHOW WHAT WE
KNOW IS HARDLY EVER TRUE ¶

¶ I'D RATHER HAVE THEN NEVER
HAD THE SPINNING ROOM ¶=

¶ THE FEELING THAT I MOVED

¶ NO MORE STANDING STILL AT YOUR

WILL, BUT YOU CAN TRY UNTIL YOU

SEE THE MOTION'S MOVING YOU ¶

¶ 'CAUSE EVERYTHING MOVES
¶ EVERYTHING PULSES

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EVERYTHING MOVES ¶
EVERYTHING PULSES

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EVERYTHING LIES IN
THE EYES OF YOU ¶

¶ EYES OF YOU ¶ IN
THE EYES OF YOU