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[all chattering]

[man] Listen to me! Killing a few hostages is not sufficient!

The Americans must be made to suffer.

- We must humiliate them. - [murmuring]

You do not go far enough, General Amin.

We must strip their entrails out and drag them from here to Damascus,

until they include us in the peace process.

[All murmuring]

Nonsense! This solution is not bold enough for Libya.

I say wipe out Washington and New York.

What? And spoil three years of good public relations?

I have the Americans believing I am a nice guy.

In some of their polls, I'm more popular than their president.

[All chattering]

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! This is getting us nowhere.

If we do nothing else this week,

we must conceive at least one terrorist act

that will show all the world

that the United States, the great Satan,

is but a paper tiger, a weak nation,

a weak people, a people ripe for destruction.

Cowards, no longer willing to fight.

Ahh!

[Grunts, groans]

[groans]

[squeaking]

I knew it!

[Grunts, groans]

[loud clang]

Yeah!

[Groans]

[man] Hey, who are you?

I'm Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

- [Groans] - And don't ever let me

catch you guys in America!

[Grunts]

[Frank yells]

[siren wailing]

- Watch out! - Whoa!

[All yelling]

[tires screeching]

[women screaming]

[people scream]

- [tires screech] - [bell rings]

[man 1] ...38, 39, 40. It's all here.

This completes our first shipment of heroin.

One hundred percent pure.

[man 2]Ah, it better be. All 40 kilos.

[man 1] The final shipment will be delivered in three days.

- Then we'll expect payment. - [man 2] Don't worry.

Police! Throw down your guns!

Kill him.

- [Sizzles] - Ahh!

Oh, no!

[Screams]

[screams]

[reporter] It's a great day for Americans everywhere. This man alone...

[crowd clamoring]

- There he is! - [women scream]

No flowers, thank you.

Welcome home, Frank. Good work in Beirut. We all heard what you did.

Thank you, Ed. I want to know one thing:

is it true what you wrote me about Victoria?

I'm afraid so, Frank. She just ran off with some guy.

They got married last week.

Then it's over. It's all over. All of this is meaningless.

I did it for her. I did everything for her.

And now she's gone.

And you came down here to get the hot story, didn't you?

Pictures of me to sell your lousy newspapers.

- Frank... - Sure, you think I'm a big hero,

the man of the hour, well...

Do any of you understand how a man can hurt inside?

Frank, they're not here for you.

"Weird Al" Yankovic is on the plane.

[Screaming, cheering]

What about the wedding? What was she wearing?

Don't torture yourself, Frank! Just put her out of your mind.

I can't get her out of my mind. What about the guy?

- Do you know anything about him? - Not much.

Just that he's an Olympic gymnast and it's the best sex she's ever had.

[Tires screech]

I trusted her and followed my heart. Foolishly, it seems.

I'm just gonna have to learn to forget.

That's why I took my vacation in Beirut,

to get her out of my mind, to find some peace.

It's not gonna be easy.

Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her.

Maybe it's just that cops and women don't mix.

What about Nordberg? I came as soon as I heard.

He's alive, Frank, though he's on life support.

Doctors say he's got a 50-50 chance of living,

though there's only a ten percent chance of that.

[Machines beeping]

Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm.

[Doctor] Where would you like it sent?

Oh Frank! I'm so glad you came!

Wilma, it's good to see you. I came as soon as I heard.

- Thank you, Frank. - You bet.

- Where's Nordberg? - He's right here.

Nordberg, it's me, Frank, your buddy.

- Oh! - Ah!

I'll get it!

[Nordberg] Ah!

Get the switch on the bottom of the bed!

[Nordberg groaning]

Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Who did this to you?

[Whispering] I... love you.

I love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?

- Ship... Boat... - That's right. Nordberg. A boat.

When you're better, we'll go sailing together,

on a boat, we'll take a cruise, just like last year.

No... Drugs.

Hey, nurse, give this man some drugs! Quick! Can't you see he's in pain?

- Give him a shot, quickly! - No...

Heroin! Heroin, Frank!

[Whispering] Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order.

You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.

[Wilma crying]

Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank.

He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?

It's hard to tell.

Could be a roving gang of thugs,

a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...

[Wilma shrieks]

Frank, get a hold of yourself!

A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed

by some cowardly hoodlums.

- That's no way for a man to die. - [Frank] You're right, Ed.

A parachute not opening, that's a way to die.

Getting caught in the gears of a combine,

having your nuts bit off by a Laplander.

That's the way I want to go.

[Wilma shrieks]

[crying] Oh, Frank! Oh, this is terrible!

Don't you worry, Wilma, your husband is going to be all right.

Don't you worry about anything.

Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.

He's right, Wilma, but I wouldn't wait until the last minute

to fill out those organ donor cards.

[Wilma shrieks]

What I'm trying to say is, as soon as Nordberg is better,

he's welcome back at Police Squad.

Unless he's a drooling vegetable,

- but I think that's only common sense. - [Wilma shrieks]

Wilma, can you think of any reason

that Nordberg was at the waterfront last night?

[Sobbing] No.

But I found this at home in a drawer.

A photograph!

"I Luv You" out of Caracas.

A Panamanian ship.

When Nordberg said "I love you", he was telling you the name of the ship!

I realize that... now.

- We'd better check this out. - I want every available man on this.

I can't spare anybody, Frank.

You know we're in charge of security for Queen Elizabeth's visit.

I'm shorthanded already.

Wilma, I promise you, whatever scum did this,

not one man on this force will rest for one minute

until he's behind bars.

- Now, let's grab a bite to eat. - Yeah, come on, Wilma.

[Car horns honk]

Due to the extraordinary efforts of some of our civic leaders,

Queen Elizabeth has included the city of Los Angeles

as one of the three cities she will visit during her American tour.

Mayor Barkley, will the city hire additional security officers

for the police force during the Queen's visit?

We have placed the Queen's security in the hands of Police Squad,

a special division of the Police Department,

represented here today by Lieutenant Frank Drebin.

[Muffled] Thank you, Your Honor.

[Frank continues inaudibly]

[man] Louder!

[Microphone static]

- [woman] You can use my radio mic. - Thank you.

[Coughs]

[snorts]

Thank you, Your Honor. Protecting the safety of the Queen

is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad.

For no matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us,

as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

Uh, Thank you, Lieutenant Drebin.

Of course, we all have a stake in seeing that this portion...

...of the Queen's American goodwill tour

is completely protected. And we can all take pride

that the Queen has chosen our city to visit.

[Amplified unzipping over P.A.]

[trickling over P.A.]

[Frank moans, sighs]

Indeed, it is for all the people,

who will be able to share in these, uh... celebrations...

[Frank grunts]

- Especially exciting... - [Frank vocalizing, trickling]

...will be... the Queen's...

...public appearances.

[Frank vocalizing, trickling]

[Frank vocalizing vigorously]

[trickling continues]

[tricking stops]

Um, we also would like...

- [trickling resumes] - [Frank vocalizing]

[Frank whistling]

- [trickling continues] - [Frank] Whoops!

[Urine splashing on floor]

- [Frank] Uh-oh. - [continues urinating]

[grunts, groans]

[Frank farts]

[Frank] Ed and I drove down to the docks,

where Nordberg had been found floating face down in the water.

[man screams]

[Frank] In a case where there are no leads, you have to start somewhere,

and that somewhere was the harbor area.

[man over bullhorn] Please disperse. Please disperse.

There's nothing for you to see here.

Keep moving.

Where did they find Nordberg, Ed?

Right out there, Frank. Do you wanna take a dinghy?

No, I took care of that at the press conference.

Doesn't make sense, you know.

Good policeman, bright future... then something like this happens.

He was found by the night watchman.

Wed better do some checking around. I'm gonna talk to the harbormaster.

I'll walk around the docks, take a snoop.

- Yeah? - Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad.

Oh, I remember you, Drebin. What do you want?

I wanna ask some questions. Are you familiar with that face?

I don't know. My memory ain't so great.

Oh, yeah? Maybe this'll refresh your memory.

- I don't know, still kind of hazy. - How about this?

Yeah. I remember him. I used to see him around.

Why do you want to know?

- I can't tell you that. - Maybe this'll help.

- I really don't think I should. - Still don't think so?

All right, his name is Nordberg, he's a cop.

- He was no cop, he was dealing H. - What?

I'm telling you, he was dirty!

You sniveling scum! I ought to run you in right now!

All right, he worked at Ludwig's Shipping.

He tried to push something on one of my boys.

What are you gonna do about it, copper?

Why should I tell you?

- Maybe this'll help. - I still don't think I should tell you.

Can you spot me 20? How about now?

All right, I'm going down to Ludwig's office.

I'll find out if you're telling the truth.

[Frank] Vincent Ludwig presided over one of the largest

corporations in the city.

A respected business man and civic leader, the mayor had chosen him

to be the chairman of the Queen's reception committee.

Now I was getting ready to question him

about drugs and attempted murder on his own docks.

[tires screech]

- Mr. Ludwig? - Yes?

Lieutenant Drebin to see you, sir.

Show him in.

- Lieutenant. - The feeling is mutual.

Nice to meet you, too. Uh, Cuban?

Uh, no, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.

Oh.

Uh, sit down.

Magnificent office you have here, Mr. Ludwig.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Most objects I have collected over a period of many years.

The Gainsborough, Ming vases. Priceless!

They are objects which I feel reflect my personality,

like the Japanese fighting fish.

Beautiful, graceful, elegant...

...yet single-minded of purpose

and deadly when it finds what it wants.

This particular one is valued at over $20,000.

A luxury item, to be certain,

but as you can see, I am a man who appreciates the finer things in life.

Oh, this! This is a rare Samurai pen,

a gift from Emperor Hirohito.

Unbreakable. Impervious to everything but water.

- Its value is beyond estimation. - That's fascinating.

But I'm sure you didn't pay me this visit

to hear a lecture on fine art, Lieutenant.

To what do I owe the honor?

I'm investigating the attempted murder of one of your dock workers...

..a man named Nordberg, a police officer.

He's still alive, then?

He was shot six times.

Fortunately, the bullets missed every vital organ,

and the salt water preserved him until he was found.

So they were able to...

So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?

Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

Well, this certainly comes as a shock to me, Lieutenant.

But as you know, I am not the kind of man

who takes this type of thing lightly.

And there is no room in my organization

Ahh!

For any type of criminal activity. Look out there.

A vast commercial development built by me.

Do you have any idea what was out there just five years ago?

[Screaming] Yeah!

You bet you do. Orange groves!

Acres of them. As far as the eye could see.

But now, of course, that land is able to generate

ten times the amount of profit per square foot.

Are you all right, Lieutenant?

Here, let me get you some Kleenex.

Has this officer...

What's his name? Nordberg?

...Been able to tell you anything?

Uh, well, of course, he hasn't been able to tell us a thing so far,

but as soon as he regains consciousness,

we'll see if he can still play the guitar.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, I've taken up too much of your time already.

I'd like to look at your employment records now,

and speak to someone in Personnel.

- If you don't mind, of course. - Of course.

Dominique, will you please send in Ms. Spencer.

[Dominique] Yes, sir.

As you know, I am quite busy making last minute arrangements

for the royal visit,

but I'll have my assistant provide you with anything you need.

You've been very cooperative. I'll make a note of that in my report.

My pleasure.

Ah, Ms. Spencer, this is Lieutenant Frank Drebin from Police Squad.

Hello... Mr. Drebin.

Hello.

[Grunts]

[thudding]

[Frank] Her hair was the color of gold in old paintings.

She had a full set of curves

and the kind of legs you'd like to suck on for a day.

She was giving me a look I could feel in my hip pocket.

Yep, this was starting to get interesting.

Nice beaver.

Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

Let me help you with that.

This should be what you're looking for, Lieutenant.

The shipping and employment records for Pier 32.

Thank you.

I've heard police work is dangerous.

It is, that's why I carry a big gun.

Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?

I used to have that problem.

What did you do about it?

I just think about baseball.

That's a honey of an ankle-bracelet you have there.

Did it slip down there again?

Yes, well... I'll go through this as fast as I can

and get them back to you tomorrow.

That would be fine, but there's no rush.

I mean, whenever you're through.

Thank you. I wish there was some way I could repay you.

How about dinner? I know this little out-of-the-way place

that serves great Viking food.

That's quite a tempting offer, Lieutenant,

but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get my rest this evening,

tomorrow being Arbor Day and all.

Of course. Perhaps some other time.

- How about a rain check? - Well, let's just stick to dinner.

Thank you for your help, Ms. Spencer.

My pleasure.

- Well? - Mr. Ludwig, you startled me!

I'm sorry, my dear.

I just wanted to know if you got the lieutenant what he wanted?

Yes, I gave him copies of the files for Pier 32.

Good. That's good.

He is an intriguing fellow, this Lieutenant Drebin, don't you think?

[Scoffs] Well, I don't know. I've only just met him.

He seems very nice.

Jane, I realize this is an unusual request,

but if there is something illegal going on in this company,

I need to know everything about it, so we can root out any wrongdoers.

That's why I want you to...

...well, to get to know Lieutenant Drebin a little better,

find out what he knows.

Oh, Mr. Ludwig, don't you think this is best handled by the police?

We are letting the police handle it, my dear!

But this company needs to know the facts quickly,

before anything gets into the newspapers.

Don't forget, I have a responsibility to the stockholders.

Well... if you put it that way...

- Yes, I'll do my best. - That's better.

[Inhales] I'm sure you will.

[Tires screech]

[Frank] It was about 4:00pm when I returned to Police Squad.

I figured I'd stop by and see what the lab boys

had come up with on Nordberg's jacket,

the one they'd found on the docks.

You can tell a lot from fiber samples if they aren't too wet.

And I was hoping in this case we wouldn't come up dry...

Hey, look out!

[People screaming]

Police! Halt!

[Screaming continues]

Anybody catch the license plate?

Anybody get a look at the driver?

[Woman screaming] Get out of the way!

Take the names of everybody here for questioning.

I've got to get... inside.

[Crowd clamoring]

Hi, Ed, Ted. You got those fiber samples yet?

- Sh-sh! We got some action out here. - What's happening?

[Ted] We're testing that new anti-graffiti wall.

[Ed] It looks like we've got customers.

It's set to react when the spray hits the sensors.

[Chattering]

[all reacting]

[Frank] You've done it again. Mazel tov!

Good work, Ted. What will you lab boys think of next?

Now that you mention it,

here's something we developed only yesterday.

To the casual observer, an ordinary shoe.

But in actuality... it makes quite a handy weapon.

And everything a cop in the field would need.

We call it the Swiss Army shoe.

That's great, Ted. What about the fiber samples?

Uh, let me just show you one more thing, Frank.

You see these cufflinks I'm wearing?

They're not just cufflinks.

Each one fires a single pin-sized dart,

that knocks out your victim for a few minutes,

but does no permanent damage.

- Here, let me demonstrate on Ed. - Huh?

[Groans] Ted! Why?

Don't worry. He'll be up and around in no time.

Why don't you take a pair, Frank?

Well, actually, I could use another pair of cufflinks.

Good, I think you'll like them.

- You want this, chief? - Yes, thank you, Al.

There's something on the side of your mouth, Al.

No, no, the other side.

As you requested, Frank, we took some fiber samples from Nordberg's jacket.

I'm afraid it doesn't look good.

- What do you mean? - Take a look for yourself.

- I can't see anything. - Use your open eye, Frank.

Oh, yeah, I can see it now.

At first glance, it would appear to be the normal cotton fibers.

When we focused in closer, we discovered a fine, white powder.

- [Clicking] - [glass breaking]

We tested it. Pure heroin.

How well do you know Nordberg?

We were partners for nine years and he's my best friend.

I know, Frank, but we can't allow personal feelings to get in the way.

Are you saying that Nordberg is...?

I'm telling you that the Queen arrives here the day after tomorrow.

If the press should pick this up, with Nordberg still part of the force,

it could be embarrassing to the police and the city.

I'm sorry, Frank. I'm giving you 24 hours to clear Nordberg.

- Mr. Ludwig? - Yes?

- A Mr. Pahpshmir is here. - Show him in.

Is there something wrong, Mr. Ludwig?

No, no, it's nothing.

- Then may we get down to business? - Certainly. Please have a seat.

I can carry out your request.

- My price is 20 million dollars. - Your price is not a problem.

But there is concern on the part of those I represent,

that you would be able to...

...complete so difficult a task.

Tell me, Mr. Pahpshmir,

in all the world, who is the most effective assassin?

Well, I would think anyone who manages to conceal

his identity as an assassin.

Yes, but there is an even more ideal assassin.

One who doesn't know he is an assassin.

- Care for some tea? - Yes, please.

Dominique, service for two, please.

[Beeping]

I must kill Pahpshmir.

[Gun clicking]

Will that be with cream and sugar, sir?

Mr. Pahpshmir?

Cream only, please.

- Oh! There's a gun on the floor, sir! - Just leave it there.

It's all right, Dominique.

- The tea, please. - Of course, sir.

Tell me, Mr. Pahpshmir, have you ever seen sensory-induced hypnosis?

I think I just have.

But how will you get her near the target?

I doubt if it will be her.

Good secretaries are so hard to find these days.

And it seems to me...

...anyone can be an assassin.

[Tires screech]

[Frank] I had 24 hours to come up with something

that would clear my good friend's name.

[men yell]

I decided to return to the hospital with Ludwig's shipping records

to see if I could jog Nordberg's memory.

Oh, Dr. Alford, I have Mrs. Kepley's chart, if you're ready to go over it.

I'll be with you when I've finished with Mr. Nordberg.

Yes, doctor.

[Beeps]

I'll have you out of here in a couple of...

[beeping]

I'd like to see Officer Nordberg.

All right, I'll need you to sign in...

Wait a minute!

Where's the police officer who was on guard at that door?

Lieutenant Drebin called and sent him home.

Lieutenant Drebin?

I must kill Nordberg.

Drebin, Police Squad! Let go of that pillow!

[Groaning]

[Nordberg moans]

[Frank] Ah!

[Nordberg moans]

- [yells out] - [car horn honks]

Hey!

Medical emergency!

[Car horn honks]

Drebin, Police Squad.

Follow that black car!

The car! Follow that car!

Stephanie, check your mirror. Signal.

Now, pull into traffic.

[Tires screech]

Try and ease off on the brake.

- [Instructor] Give it a little gas. - I know a shortcut. Turn left here!

- There he is! - [Instructor] Easy!

[Screaming]

[tires screeching]

Turn right! Follow him to the right!

It's OK. Normally, you would not be going 65

down the wrong way of a one way street.

- [Horn honks] - Ahh!

Apply the brakes.

Now put it in reverse.

- You dumb broad! - Stephanie, gently extend your arm.

Extend your middle finger.

- Very good. Well done. - There he is!

Go for it, Stephanie!

[Honks horn]

[yelling]

[screaming]

Oh no!

- [Crowd clamoring] - [fireworks exploding]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

All right, move on! Nothing to see here!

Please disperse!

Nothing to see here. Please!

[Frank] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed.

And all the questions kept coming up over and over again,

like bubbles in a case of club soda.

Who was this character in the hospital?

Why was he trying to kill Nordberg, and for whom?

Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof,

but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either.

Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records?

And if it was, did he know about it?

And if he didn't, who did?

[birds squawking]

And where the hell was I?

It was almost midnight when I got to my door.

I just wanted a glass of Bosco and then slip under my blankets.

But my night was just about to begin.

[Frank grunts]

You're late.

That depends on what I'm late for.

You said we should have dinner sometime.

Tonight became "sometime".

I'm boiling a roast.

How hot and wet do you like it?

Very hot and awfully wet.

You seem to know your way around a kitchen.

I'm just as handy in other rooms of the house.

That shirt looks familiar.

It's yours. I didn't want to get stained or wrinkled.

At least... not yet.

Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?

There. That's better.

I hope you've brought your appetite.

I've brought everything.

Well, then, dig in.

[Thunder rumbles]

Interesting. Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.

I was young. I needed the work.

No, no, they were taken at Ludwig's docks.

A ship came in, a Panamanian ship. It wasn't on Ludwig's records.

Probably an oversight.

How is your... meat?

You be the judge of that.

Mmm.

[Giggles] Mmm.

I've got nine more.

Have you seen that ship?

I don't know. It doesn't look like one of ours.

But then again, we deal with so many ships.

Has Officer Nordberg been able to, um... tell you anything?

No, there was another attempt on his life. He's back in a coma.

That's terrible! This world is such a violent place.

If it wasn't, I'd be out of a job.

I'd be back on the circuit, riding motocross.

But I'd give it all up tomorrow to live in a world without crime.

That's beautiful.

This is all happening too fast.

- [Sighs] I've been hurt before. - I'm sorry.

I'd known her for years.

We used to go to all the police functions together.

Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music.

I think she had her music.

She'd hung out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony.

I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune.

Yet she was on the road 300 days out of the year.

In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas.

She asked me what it was.

It's the same old story.

Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy...

...boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl...

...girl dies in a tragic blimp accident

over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

- Goodyear? - No, the worst.

[Whimpering] Poor dear!

Now, now, I don't want to upset you.

Frank, it's not that.

Why did you have to be so wonderful?

- There's something I ought to tell you. - No! No need to tell me anything.

What's in the past doesn't matter anyway.

Maybe...

Maybe we're just two lonely souls who have found each other.

Funny face.

I want you to know, I... practice safe sex.

So do I.

[Rubber squeaks]

[♪ Peter Noone: "I'm Into Something Good"]

[crowd cheering]

I had a wonderful day, Frank.

I can't believe we just met yesterday.

You really mean that, Jane?

You're not just saying it, because we exchanged bodily fluids?

No, I really mean it. You're very special.

- Can I interest you in a nightcap? - No, thank you, I don't wear them.

Actually, I'm on duty. We're on stakeout tonight.

But I'll be thinking about you. I'll call you tomorrow.

OK.

[♪ Peter Noone: "I'm Into Something Good"]

Good night!

I'm telling you, the answer's up there in Ludwig's office.

Call it what you will, a hunch, women's intuition.

Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us.

A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?

Look, he's the only one outside of ourselves

who knew that Nordberg was still alive.

Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital.

That may be. But breaking into Ludwig's office is taking a big chance.

I know.

You could take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street

or sticking your face in a fan. Look, there he is.

All right, just trust me on this, Ed. I know I'm right.

OK, but be careful.

You get a good night's sleep. I'll see you in the morning.

[Elevator dings]

Bingo!

[Piano plays ragtime]

"20,000,000 deposited, Omani Bank, Zurich,

upon proof of Queen's death."

[yells]

[Frank grunting]

[piano plays ragtime]

[Frank exclaiming]

[glass shattering]

Ah!

Oh!

Oh!

- [Zapping] - [Frank] Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God!

[Sirens wailing]

[sirens continue]

- [horn honks] - [woman screams]

Ah.

Oh!

[Yells]

[straining]

[woman screams]

[Frank screams]

[creaking]

- [yells] - [glass shatters]

[gasping]

[screaming]

[scream echoes]

Entering without a search warrant,

destroying property, arson,

sexual assault with a concrete dildo?

What the hell were you doing there in the first place?

Yes, I know, I'm sorry about that, Your Honor,

but we have reason to believe that Vincent Ludwig

is involved in a plot to assassinate the Queen.

That's ridiculous! Where is this evidence?

Well, it... burned in the fire.

Gentlemen...

Vincent Ludwig is one of the most respected members of this community.

And if we're all very nice to him, he will agree not to press charges.

- Your Honor! - Did I make myself clear?

Yes, Your Honor, very clear. Good day.

Oh, Drebin!

I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the south side.

Understand? That's my policy.

Yes, well when I see five weirdos dressed in togas

stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people,

I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.

That was a Shakespeare In the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron!

- You killed five actors! Good ones. - Your Honor...

Drebin, your presence at the Queen's reception tonight will not be necessary.

Is that understood?

We understand, Your Honor. Thank you.

[Radio announcer] The plane has taxied to a stop.

They're rolling out the steps.

Any minute now, we expect the doors to open

and we'll get our first glimpse of the Queen, as she begins her first visit

to the Los Angeles area in over five years.

[announcer 2] That's right Bob, and it's a balmy, beautiful evening

for it too. She'll be going straight from here

to a formal reception hosted by the mayor, in honor of...

- [doorbell rings] - [radio shuts off]

- Jane! - Frank!

I'm just making some dinner. Are you hungry?

Well, maybe just a bite.

I just talked to Vincent Ludwig.

He wanted me to ask you to meet him tonight.

Jane, I think there's something you should know.

I was up in Vincent Ludwig's place last night.

Oh, how nice! Did he show you his priceless collection of Ming vases

and all those rare oil paintings? And what about...?

Jane, I think that Vincent Ludwig

is involved in a number of criminal activities.

Oh, Frank, stop it!

Vincent Ludwig is a well-respected, generous, kind man.

It's just too bad you don't know him like I do.

- Oh, yeah? And how's that? - What's that supposed to mean?

I'm... sorry.

I'm worried about you. I don't trust him and I don't want to see you

getting mixed up in anything dangerous.

Oh, Woo's... They back in business?

I thought they closed down three years ago.

Why, gee, has it been that long?

I don't feel like Chinese tonight anyway.

[Sniffs]

[groans]

Frank, it's sweet of you to be concerned about me,

but you're really wrong about Vincent Ludwig.

He's such a gentleman. He's so generous.

He just wants to have a talk with you

to clear up any doubts you might have about him.

- When? - Tonight.

He wants you to meet him at the 7th Street stockyards.

Near the 53rd Street entrance.

All right, but you promise me that you'll be careful.

Of course I will, funny face, for you.

Ah, I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow.

Are you sure you won't have something to eat?

[Cows moo]

[cows moo]

Ludwig?

- [Man] Drebin? - Yeah, I'm Drebin.

[Man] I have a message for you from Vincent Ludwig!

- [Gunfire] - [muffled shouting]

I'm sorry, I can't hear you!

Don't fire the gun while you're talking!

[Muffled] All right, put your gun down and your hands up!

[Yells]

[man gurgling]

[jazz music playing]

Matthews, stake out that end,

Adcock, check for anyone suspicious-looking.

- Ed... - Frank, what are you doing here?

I just came from the stockyards,

trading shots with one of Ludwig's goons.

They're planning to do it tonight, Ed, here.

That's' why they're trying to knock me off.

Right. We'd better be on the lookout.

Right, excuse me, ma'am, security.

- [Electronic buzzing] - [woman squealing]

- What's the meaning of this? - All right, just relax.

Take it easy. Nothing's gonna happen.

- I didn't do anything. - Oh, yeah? Well, what about this?

You think we were born yesterday? You didn't do anything, huh?

I got rights...

Look, Ed, he's got a picture of your wife!

Ethel!

- [Groans] - [crowd gasps]

All right, anyone else here seeing his wife?

That's all right. That's OK, Frank. Let's get in the hall.

Are you enjoying yourself, my dear?

Oh, Mr. Ludwig, I'm so excited to be here.

I really do appreciate your inviting me.

The pleasure is all mine, my dear.

- And perhaps afterwards we can... - [splashes]

- Drebin! - Frank!

You're both right. Surprised to see me, Mr. Ludwig?

This is not the time or place to talk.

It's way past the time we talked.

The gloves are off, I'm playing hardball, Ludwig.

It's fourth and fifteen, and you're looking at a full court press.

Mr. Drebin! If you have evidence, then use it.

If not, I am warning you, get off my back!

Or I promise you, it will cost you dearly.

Frank, what's wrong?

A lot of things, sweetie-pie.

A little meeting that turned into a peek-a-boo session with bullets,

all set up by someone who's been playing me like a violin

at the annual Saps Convention.

Funny face, I don't know what you're talking about.

My stockyard meeting, butter wings. Or don't you remember setting that up?

But Mr. Ludwig said you called the meeting off! Believe me, I...

Hum me another one, shnookie lumps!

Frank, it's the truth!

It's true what they say: cops and women don't mix.

Like eating a spoonful of Drano.

Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

Too bad, sugar puff.

We could have been something.

I was only doing what I was told to do!

- Like make love to me? - Frank!

- [Crowd gasps] - [music stops]

That only makes things easier, princess.

To think I trusted you! I made a big mistake.

- Here, you can take this back. - Whose is that?

- Doesn't matter. - [man] Hey, watch it!

Take care of yourself, baby.

By the way, I faked every orgasm.

Oh, funny face!

[Audience applauding]

And to commemorate our friendship,

the city of Los Angeles is proud to present to the Royal Family

this Revolutionary War musket,

generously donated by Mr. Vincent Ludwig.

[Audience applauds]

Ladies and gentlemen, Her Royal Highness,

Queen Elizabeth II!

[Trumpet fanfare blaring]

[all gasping]

[all exclaiming]

[gasps]

[camera shutters clicking]

[Ed] It's disgusting the way they splash this stuff all over the newspapers!

What is journalism coming to?

You're laying on top of the Queen with her legs wrapped around you

and they call that news!

They can't kick you off the force, Frank.

- It's just not fair. - I know, Ed. Life isn't always fair.

Just think, the next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.

Hey, look at that!

The missing evidence in the Kelner case!

My God, he was innocent!

He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.

Well... what's the use?

What good are these damn awards and citations?

[Man] Frank...

Frank, that's not your desk!

- Frank! - Jane!

- I've been looking all over for you! - What are you doing here?

Running another errand for your boyfriend?

I tried to call you last night. I even went by your place.

- Where were you? - I was out walking. All night.

Frank, you gotta listen to me! I have important information for you.

Please believe me. Vincent Ludwig and I, there was never anything between us.

- He likes East German men. - What about you?

I like cops.

- [All exclaiming] All right! Yeah! - Settle down. Take it easy.

- What have you got? - I overheard Ludwig after the banquet.

You were right all along, Frank.

Ludwig is planning to have someone assassinate the Queen!

- Where? - At the baseball game.

The Queen will be there this afternoon as a guest of Ludwig.

I'm supposed to be with him.

Are you telling us that Vincent Ludwig

is going to just shoot the Queen in front of 60,000 fans?

No, he said a player's gonna do it, during the 7th-inning stretch.

- That game starts in 20 minutes. - I'd better get down there right away.

- I'll go with you. - No, it's best you stay with Ludwig.

That way we won't arouse any suspicion.

- Right. OK, let's go! - Wait! Wait!

Now, listen, I've gotten you guys into enough trouble already.

I don't want you to risk this for me. I'll go alone.

No! This is gonna get you back on the force, Frank.

We're all right behind you.

[All clamoring]

Frank? I wanted you to know now,

I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop.

I'm a very lucky woman.

So am I.

[Crowd chattering]

[announcer]And a good afternoon to everyone.

We're coming to you live from the Big A,

where the California Angels meet the Seattle Mariners

in a showdown for the division lead

in this exciting American League West race.

Hello, everybody! I'm Curt Gowdy along with Jim Palmer,

Tim McCarver, Dick Vitale, Mel Allen,

Dick Enberg and Dr. Joyce Brothers,

inviting you to join us for this all-important ball game.

And a very special game it is, Curt.

As we all know, this game is being attended

by Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth.

And I'm sure Her Majesty will enjoy this game, Jim.

We've got all the exits covered.

I ought to go down and arrest Ludwig right now.

No, Frank, without any evidence,

we've got to let him make the first move.

Besides, with the mayor, she'd have you arrested on the spot.

You've gotta stay out of sight.

I've got to get that assassin before the 7th-inning stretch.

If Jane is right, it could be any one of those players.

I've got to find a way to get down there on that field

and search those players.

[Stadium announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please rise and give a hearty Los Angeles welcome

to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II!

[organ plays "God Save the Queen"]

One moment.

Huh?

- Over there. - Move down.

These seats are taken.

[Crowd applauds, cheers]

My dear, is something bothering you?

Why, no, why do you ask?

You haven't said a word. You seem... nervous.

Well, you know how important this game is for the Angels.

Why he's not here now?

I do not like being made to wait for him.

Mr. Pallazzo, our head usher will be here in two minutes

to take you onto the field. Please, just wait in here.

He should be here now, do you understand?

Yes, sir. I'll send him right over.

I do not wait for him! He waits for me!

- Yes? - Mr. Pallazzo?

- Si. - I am the head usher.

- Ah! - I am here to... Excuse me.

- Mr. Pallazzo? - Yes?

- I am the head usher. - One second.

[Stadium announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

on behalf of the California Angels and the City of Los Angeles,

on the occasion of Her Majesty's royal visit,

please welcome internationally renowned opera star, Enrico Pallazzo!

Ladies and gentlemen, let us honor America,

as Mr. Pallazzo will now sing our national anthem.

[chuckles nervously]

[singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" off-key]

Frank?

[Frank continues to sing off-key]

[mumbles lyrics]

- [moaning] - [Frank continues singing]

[crowd cheers]

And now, as the crowd settles back down,

we'll wait for the exchange of lineups

and the start of today's ball game.

Oh, excuse me, could you tell me, is this an official bat?

Well, the Queen's visit has brought a sell-out crowd. Could be a record.

And while the fans are awaiting the first pitch,

they're being entertained by the stadium's Angel vision,

showing some of those unusual moments in baseball over the years.

[crowd gasping]

[janitor] Whoops.

Sorry, fellas!

[Crowd gasps]

- [tiger roars] - [crowd gasps]

[laughing] How about that?

[Stadium announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, now taking the field,

your California Angels!

For the safety of the players and yourself,

we ask that you do not throw any objects in the stands or on the field.

We thank you for your cooperation.

So, as the Angels take the field,

we're about ready for the First Pitch ceremony

with the Queen of England ready to toss out the first ball.

[Stadium announcer] How about that Queen, ladies and gentlemen?

Let's have a nice round of applause!

Well, we're ready for the start of today's ball game,

and I'm sure that group of lovely ladies would agree.

[Jim Palmer] Well, they ought to. Those are the players' wives,

on hand to enjoy the game with us today.

[Stadium announcer] Introducing the umpires for today's game,

at first base, Lou Hernandez.

Second base, Dan Silva. Third base...

What do you say, Cummings? Are we gonna do this today?

Do what? Oh!

Play ball!

Frank! Al, it's Frank!

And this game's underway.

Dave Spiwack ready to face Jay Johnstone!

- Nothing to report so far, chief. - Don't worry, Al.

If one of those players is the killer, Frank is gonna find him,

even if he has to search every one of them.

[Announcer] ...Jay Johnstone. Johnstone.

Hello, pal. You all right? Let's see if that uniform's on straight.

Pretty good back here. Now let's see the shirt.

You should take a large.

Little tight in the crotch.

All right? All set?

OK, play ball!

[Crowd exclaims]

Batter up.

Strike?

[Crowd cheers]

Yeah, strike!

Stee-rike two!

Stee-rike three!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

[♪ Randy Newman: "I Love L.A."]

Strike!

You're clean!

You're out!

Have you found him yet?

No, and I've searched almost everybody.

Yeah, I saw that.

There's only one more out before the 7th innings stretch, Frank.

I'm gonna have my men on the alert, but you're gonna have to stall them.

Don't let 'em get that third out.

Right, Ed.

[Stadium announcer] The Mariners' short stop, number four, Armando Personi!

Personi!

- Ball! - Ball?

[Crowd boos]

Ball!

[Crowd boos]

[catcher mutters]

Catch it! Catch it!

[Screams]

- Fair ball! - [man] Go, go, go!

He's going home, he's going home!

[Man 2] Block the plate!

- Safe! - Safe? What do you mean, safe?

I don't believe this!

Hey, second base! On two!

There's a throw by the catcher

and now they've got Personi hung up between 1st and 2nd!

[Umpire] What the hell do you think you're doing?

What?

[Umpire] Hey, you're not supposed to do that!

Hey, wait a minute! Stop that!

Put that back down! Give me that ball!

I'll get you!

I know this is hard to believe,

but apparently the umpires have got Personi in a run down!

- Safe! - Safe?

How about that?

- Out! - Safe!

- Out! - He was safe!

- Out! - Safe!

There's a sight I've never seen.

- Out! Out! Out! - Safe! Safe! Safe!

- Safe! - What are you doing?

- Safe! Safe! Safe! - [umpire] He was out!

He was safe! He never tagged him with the ball!

You idiot! He was out when he ran out of the baseline!

All right, I've had enough! You're out of here!

- What do you mean? - You can't throw an umpire out!

All right, you're outta here!

Hold on! Even the guy running the scoreboard says he was out!

And he's way up there in the mezzanine!

My God, it's the third out!

[Beeping]

[umpires continue arguing]

I must kill... the Queen.

I must kill... the Queen.

Frank! Frank, it's the right fielder!

[All arguing]

- You're the boss! - It was safe.

Now we're going to take you for a little walk.

To think I respected you.

How could you do something so vicious?

It was easy, my dear.

Don't forget I spent two years as a building contractor.

Now let's go quietly.

Hey, look at that! Come on, let's get him!

[All clamoring]

[man] Kick him in the balls!

[All grunting, shouting]

I must kill... the Queen.

[Gasps]

Whoops.

- [Crowd murmuring] - [woman screaming]

The umpire... he saved the Queen's life!

That's not the umpire, Your Honor.

Hey, it's Enrico Pallazzo!

[All chanting] Rico Pallazzo! Rico Pallazzo!

Drebin!

Frank! Frank!

[Jane] Frank! Frank, help!

Frank! Frank, help!

[Jane] Frank!

- [Jane] Frank! - Stay where you are, Drebin!

- He's got a gun! - I know.

You ruined my life, Drebin. Now I'm going to ruin yours.

- Leave the girl alone! - I am. I'm going to kill you.

- I see. - [phone dings]

Two can play at that game!

Ah!

[Ludwig groaning]

- You killed him! - No, no, he's just stunned.

He'll be all right in a couple of minutes.

[Ludwig screams]

[loud crash]

Well...

[crunching]

[cowbell clicking]

- [marching band plays] - [crunching]

Frank... It's horrible!

- It's so horrible! - I know, Ed.

My father went the same way.

[Beeping]

I must kill... Frank Drebin.

I must kill Frank Drebin.

No, no, don't shoot!

Jane... it's me...

Funny face.

- [Jane] I must kill Frank Drebin. - [man] Hey, look! Up there!

[Frank] You love Frank Drebin.

And Frank Drebin loves you.

Jane, listen to me.

If you don't love me, you might as well pull that trigger,

because without you, I wouldn't want to live anyway.

I've finally found someone I can love...

...a good, clean love... without utensils.

I must kill Frank Drebin.

It's a topsy-turvy world, Jane,

and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans,

but this is our hill and these are our beans.

Jane, since I met you, I notice things I never knew were there before,

birds singing, dew glistening on a newly-formed leaf...

...stoplights...

- I must kill... - Jane, this morning...

I bought something for you.

It's not very much...

...but pretty good for an honest policeman's salary.

It's an engagement ring.

I would have given it to you earlier,

but I wanted to wait until we were alone.

- I... - I love you, Jane.

Oh, Frank!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday, I really am.

Drebin!

I was wrong about you.

This city, and I guess the whole world, owes you a debt of gratitude.

Thank you, Mayor.

And Monday morning we want you back at Police Squad...

...with a promotion to captain, of course.

- Mayor... - But don't thank me.

There's someone else here who wants to thank you.

- Nordberg! - Hiya, buddy!

The doc says I should be on my feet and as good as new in a week!

- And back on the force! - Nordberg, that's wonderful!

Whoa!

Oh, Frank! Everyone should have a friend like you!

[Nordberg screams]

[crashes]

[♪ Peter Noone: "I'm Into Something Good"]